Leah Rudick and Alyssa Limperis

Summary

Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil

Episode: Leah Rudick and Alyssa Limperis
Date: January 22, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Wrong Turns delivers a hilarious, vulnerable, and often mortifying romp through stories of personal disasters—particularly those centered on humiliation, sex, and the endless embarrassments of growing up. Host Jameela Jamil is joined by comedians Leah Rudick and Alyssa Limperis, who delight in mining their most cringe-worthy moments for comedy gold. The tone is candid, warm, and irreverent: the guests and Jameela swap tales with no pretense of finding silver linings or lessons—just comfort and camaraderie in shared disaster.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Concussions, Clumsiness, and Physical Mishaps

[03:00 - 08:22]

• Alyssa Limperis kicks off by sharing she’s fresh from a concussion, incurred when running from a coyote and smashing her head on an AC unit.

• Jameela shares her own long, embarrassing history with concussions—six in total—including a stupendously humiliating one caused by retrieving a 30-day-old cookie from beside her bed, only to faint and trigger a seizure at work.

  • Notable quote [04:17, Jameela]: “I’m like those NFL players, except I don’t have any of the money or the muscles or the bitches.”
  • Notable quote [07:58, Leah]: “Also the origin story of it all—I mean, grabbing a 30 day old cookie, that’s what led to all this. It’s beautiful.”

• The conversation spirals into a commiseration about the fragility of brains and the randomness of damage: “It’s shocking that we’re alive, 100%.” [08:23, Leah]

---

2. Humiliation as Comedians—and as Humans

[09:06 - 10:07]

• Jameela probes: Do comedians become comedians because of deep embarrassment and self-consciousness?
  • Leah admits to feeling "constantly embarrassed" and “extremely self-conscious and anxious.”
  • Alyssa posits that comics are “hypersensitive to humiliation and shame,” so they lean into comedy as a defense.

---

3. Family, Sex, and the Generational Divide

[10:18 - 17:29]

• Leah tells a legendary mortifying story about her Canadian mother-in-law, who, upon their first meeting, enthusiastically offers Leah an array of her own sex toys and latex bodysuits.

  • Notable quote [11:13, Leah]: “She brought me into her bedroom and showed me her sex drawer.”
  • Notable quote [13:08, Leah]: “She wanted me to please her baby boy. Which I did.”
  • Jameela and Alyssa are astounded; Leah took a couple of bodysuits home and sheepishly admits to wearing one “all the time.”

• The trio contrast their prudish, repressed family backgrounds (British, Greek Orthodox, Pakistani) with Leah’s mother-in-law’s openness. Alyssa’s parents confronted her about blowjobs via a newspaper clipping (“Promise me you’ll never do this”—[15:21, Alyssa]), and Leah recollects being told “It’s a gross thing that gross people do” when she asked about masturbation.

• Jameela details her lack of any sex talk, awkwardly waiting into her 20s for her first kiss and sexual experience.

  • Quote [16:45, Jameela]: “I became a real hoe…But I was too scared. I didn’t know what an orgasm was…any time it was starting to happen, I would stop it.”

---

4. Micro-Humiliations and Professional Shame

[17:53 - 21:28]

• Alyssa describes a recent job acting in a (simulated) sex scene, only to be gently corrected by an intimacy coordinator for not knowing how to “accurately have sex” on camera (she was “just doing the Roomba,” as Jameela puts it).
  • Memorable moment [18:49, Alyssa]: “She literally, this woman was just like, I can’t let this slide. You’re not accurately having sex.”
  • The group laughs about having too few favorite sex positions and not wanting sex to feel like “reformer Pilates.”
    • Quote [21:40, Jameela]: “I don’t want to feel like I’m at the gym.”

---

5. Leah’s Big Wrong Turn: People-Pleasing Disaster in College

[25:18 - 33:42]

• Leah’s “big wrong turn” is a multi-layered humiliation from her first semester at Sarah Lawrence College:
  • Desperate to fit in with her glamorous, rich roommate (Winnie) and friends, she invites herself on their trip to New York City.
  • She’s painfully out of her element (never had sushi—asks for a fork!), follows the group to get fake IDs and belly piercings. She’s the only one brave enough to get pierced…and then no one else does it.
  • The fake ID gets confiscated back home, resulting in Leah’s parents attending a comedy club show while she sits in the car with her fresh, infected piercing wound.
• Quote [30:55, Leah]: “Nobody else does it…they’re just like, oh, we don’t actually want to do this.”
• The segment closes with warmth and insight on how formative—and wounding—the desire for acceptance can be.

---

6. Alyssa’s Big Wrong Turn: Sex, Naivety, and Childhood Repression

[36:13 - 44:34]

• Alyssa shares a series of vignettes about her sexual naivety and desperate efforts for approval:
  • In middle school, she misreads the phrase “Nick loves cock” scratched into a cafeteria table and loudly jokes, “You can just call me cock,” not knowing it meant “penis.”
    • [39:02, Alyssa]: “I literally announce to the table, call me cock. And everyone… was very similar to the reaction here—kind of stunned confusion.”
  • Her first attempt at sex “didn’t take”—she realized you can’t just “decide it’s time,” your body has to agree (wisdom echoed by Jameela).
  • A mortifying teen memory: her finished basement (the stuff of 90s American lore) as the scene of her dad walking in on her makeout session with a boy, then delivering a cryptic, traumatizing warning: “Men don’t always have the best intentions.”
  • Other humiliations: a carpool kid loudly asking, “Why does Alyssa have a mustache and she’s a girl?”

---

7. Misery Loves Company: Listener Disaster Story

[47:06 - 49:49]

• Jameela reads a listener submission from Shanice, who agreed to let a boyfriend “brush her ass” (assuming it was a euphemism) — only to have him fetch a literal hairbrush and proceed to brush her butt for five minutes.
  • [48:07, Jameela, reading]: “He ran to his bathroom to get an actual hairbrush. And he got behind me and I learned this is literally what he had in mind.”
  • The hosts are bewildered (“How hairy is my ass?!”), and Jameela expresses lasting gratitude: “2026 can never be bad now because you shared that story.”

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments With Timestamps

• Concussion tales

  • “I’m one concussion away from brain dead, I think, which I think shows. If you listen to the podcast, you hear I’m rapidly declining.” — [04:34, Jameela]

• Family sex talk chasm

  • “She brought me into her bedroom and showed me her sex drawer.” — [11:13, Leah]
  • “Promise me you will never do this.” — [15:21, Alyssa's mom, about blowjobs]
  • “I’m still not supposed to have had sex. I am still a virgin.” — [16:16, Jameela]

• Intimacy on camera

  • “You did Rihanna when we needed Mia Khalifa.” — [20:02, Jameela, describing Alyssa's "Roomba" sex scene performance]

• Adolescent tragedy

  • “I tried to get into a comedy club with my parents…sat in the car while my parents went.” — [31:33, Leah]

• Micro-humiliations

  • “I was figuring it out.” — [44:10, Alyssa]
  • “Call me penis.” — [39:44, Alyssa, continuing her confusion]

• Listener moment

  • “He ran to his bathroom to get an actual hairbrush…And he got behind me and I learned this is literally what he had in mind.” — [48:07, Jameela reading Shanice’s story]

---

Notable Segments With Timestamps

• [03:00–08:22] — "Concussion club" stories: physical comedy, embarrassment, brain injury humor.
• [10:18–16:43] — Cultures of sexual repression and the generational minefield of sex ed.
• [18:02–22:04] — Alyssa’s (in)accurate on-screen sex, sexual imposter syndrome.
• [25:18–33:42] — Leah’s epic journey of people-pleasing and humiliation in college.
• [36:13–44:34] — Alyssa’s history with sexual confusion, finished basements, and deeply awkward first love moments.
• [47:06–49:49] — “Misery Loves Company” listener disaster: the literal ass brushing story.

---

Tone & Vibe

• Effortlessly funny, endlessly self-deprecating, and warm; the trio create an environment of strange but profound support for each other’s most embarrassing moments.
• No lessons, no judgment—just the joy (and relief) of mutual humiliation, honesty, and recognizing disaster is universal.

---

Final Thoughts

• The episode is a non-stop parade of wrong turns, from terrifyingly frank family sex talks to adolescent longing for acceptance to weird sexual misunderstandings as adults. The audience is left both cringing and laughing, reassured that life’s disasters make for the best stories (and company).
• As Jameela says near the end:
  • “Thank you both so much for bringing such a feeling of warmth and sisterhood. There’s been such support around this table. I almost feel like we’re sharing sex toys…My sex toys are still just my sex toys.” [46:17]

---

Find the guests:

• Leah Rudick: leahrudick.com
• Alyssa Limperis: @lissalimperis on social media

---

Summary by [Your Name], for listeners who want the full flavor of the episode's glorious disasters without risking their own concussions.

Transcript

[Host/Announcer]

January is when we recommit to the habits that support our health and well being. And naturally, we start looking at what can support those goals, including supplements. The supplement industry is a low trust category. It's lightly regulated, products are easy to make, and companies don't even have to list everything on their label. That's exactly why I choose Momentus. They've become the high trust brand in a low trust category. They weren't satisfied with the industry standard, so they built the Momentus standard. Their commitment to doing things the right way, not the easy way. What truly sets Momentous apart is their testing and transparency. Every product is independently certified by NSF for sport, meaning it's tested for contaminants, heavy metals, banned substances, and verified for label accuracy. So you always know exactly what you're putting in your body. And if a product doesn't meet their standard, it never hits the shelves. In a space where trust is rare, Momentous is redefining what trust looks like.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

And.

[Host/Announcer]

And I've genuinely felt the difference. Using their protein and creatine every day right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code PODCAST. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code PODCAST for up to 35 percent off your first order. That's livemomentous.com promo code PODCAST.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

This is an ad by BetterHelp.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Did I talk too much? I just let it go. Well.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

Take a breath. You're not alone.

[Jamila Jamil]

Let's talk about what's going on.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

Counseling helps you sort through the noise with qualified professionals and online therapy makes it convenient. See if it's for you. Visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of online therapy and let life feel better.

[Jamila Jamil]

Foreign. Hello. Are you tired of positive mindsets and silver linings being shoved up your ass? Then welcome to Wrong Turns, where dignity goes to die, where I am joined by my favorite funny people every week. And this week we have comedian, writer and actress who has appeared on High Maintenance. You can stream her debut comedy special, Spiraling, on Amazon and Apple. It's Leah Rudick. Hello. Look at the type. Oh, my God. This is women. This is women. And I am also thrilled to welcome a comedian, writer and actress from what We do in the Shadows and Dexter Resurrection. Her comedy special no Bad Days, is streaming on Peacock. Now it's Alyssa Lyn Barris.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yay. We love you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Thank you.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

Thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm throwing my underwear at both of you now. So exciting. Hi, guys.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

How are you?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Ah, we're great. How are you?

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm all right. Alyssa, you've got a concussion. I do.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I do right now. It happened on Sunday night.

[Leah Rudick]

Oh, my God.

[Jamila Jamil]

You are fresh. This is crazy.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I'm fresh, so anything that. Fresh, Young, fresh, young, fresh, young, basically. It's so lame. I was just walking my dog, and I saw a coyote, and I was like, get home, get home, get home. So my boyfriend took the dog up, and then I. I got curious, and I wanted to see where the coyote went, so I just leaned over my, like, little railing, and I stood up full force into an AC unit. Boom, boom, down. But it's been an interesting start to the new year because I've just. You can't look at screens. You can't really do anything. So I've just kind of been zenned out.

[Jamila Jamil]

What did the concussion feel like?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It felt at first just like, oh, that hurts. And then the next morning, I looked at my phone, and the whole room started spinning.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, you went to sleep straight after?

[Host/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

I said, pretty cool.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I didn't sleep at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just said, yeah. I looked up what to do, and it basically says, don't sleep. And I was like, but I'm tired, so slept and.

[Jamila Jamil]

Well, I'm really happy that you're still here with us today.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

No, but they said you should. If you're throwing up a lot, you should.

[Jamila Jamil]

Right, Right.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

So I wasn't throwing up.

[Jamila Jamil]

So I was like, well, I've had six concussions now. Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

So I'm.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

I'm.

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm like those NFL players, except I don't have any of the money or the muscles or the bitches. Yeah. Hey, there you go. Well, I've made it now, but, yeah, so I'm, like, one concussion away from, like, brain dead, I think, which I think shows. If you listen to the podcast, you hear I'm rapidly declining.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Right.

[Jamila Jamil]

But I can't stop. And I'm also. I'm too tall for my level of agility, so I once concussed myself hitting myself on a Mind you'd head sign, which I think was one of the more humiliating. It was, like, downstairs at this old Italian restaurant in England, and that was. It was so, so deeply embarrassing.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It feels like it's made for shorter. Like, it feels to me. I picture cottages. I picture a lot of, like, yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

It was Hobbit land, you know, And I'm a fucking giant, so it's all Alice in Wonderland for me everywhere I go. But one of them was. There was a very Very old cookie on the ground. I have a 30 day rule with food. You know for how long it's dropped on the floor.

[Leah Rudick]

Some people have like the five second.

[Jamila Jamil]

Rule you have to use.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

That's at least 25 business days.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Glad I didn't touch the Craftsman.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a coffee and I was like, oh, I need something sweet with my coffee. I can't drink coffee without a little sweet treat. And I was like, there's that cookie on the ground that's been under my bedside table, which I have not cleaned for a month. I was like, I'll just get that. I'm sure it's pretty still good. It's American. It's never gonna go off. So I reached down to pick it up and I smashed my head right at the temple on the corner of my bedside table.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Oh my God.

[Jamila Jamil]

Which is the softest part of your. And I immediately black out, like blackout out. And a few hours later, I think I come back to and my alarm's going off and it's time to go to work at the Good place. And I don't know that I have a concussion. I just know something very bad happened. I only vaguely recollect it. Like I don't get to eat the cookie or drink the coffee. I just have to go to work. So I get my shit and I head to work. And I get in there and they put the lights on and in the trailer, which very, very bright. And it must have triggered a seizure. Cause I suddenly feel my whole body going limp. And I grab my makeup artist and I just say to her, because I'm eating blueberries in this moment in the chair, I go, somebody's drugged my blueberries. And then I'm out cold. And so that's the last thing anyone hears me say for ages. And when I come back to, there's like a medical team and there's also like a drug squad in the makeup trailer, like going. Testing my blueberries. Like going through the trash to see if there's any sign that I've been drugged. And it turned out I just had a concussion that had caused something called atonic or something. Seizures where you don't seize in a big way. You just power down. Completely power down. And what was really unfortunate is that it took three or four months to heal. And I was going on tour with my boyfriend who just invested like 200 grand into a new light show for his tour. So I would always try to, you know, I wanted to be out there and support. And I really Loved the show. So I'd go out there for a bit and I'd know when the dancing bit was gonna happen and then the light show would kick in. So I was like, that's fine. I'll just. I'll make it out before. But he's got adhd. He kept on changing the set list every night. So I kept on being caught short and just being like. Just falling dead in the middle of a crowd for an entire American tour. It was really awful. So, yeah, so I. There's nothing left in here. It's an echo.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Also the origin story of it all. I mean, grabbing a 30 day old cookie, that's what led to all this.

[Leah Rudick]

It's beautiful.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Really, it's beautiful. It's.

[Host/Announcer]

Wow.

[Jamila Jamil]

That's amazing. Yeah. I mean, I get everything that I deserve. Being such a dirty old fuck. It's crazy how this can happen. We're just walking around with this delicate little thing on the top of our bodies that we have no idea how much it can fuck us.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Well, that's the thing.

[Leah Rudick]

It's shocking that we're alive 100%.

[Jamila Jamil]

And what about you? How are you doing at the moment? Any concussions?

[Leah Rudick]

I've noticed.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

So I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I'm doing good. I'm feeling fine.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

I'm a little sleepy.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Is that right? Well, you're a road dog.

[Leah Rudick]

I mean, from that.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

You're. You're.

[Jamila Jamil]

Jesus.

[Ad Voice (Jerry)]

You're.

[Leah Rudick]

I'm a road dog.

[Jamila Jamil]

You're a road dog.

[Leah Rudick]

So I've been living a road dog life for a couple years now.

[Jamila Jamil]

Right, right, right. Is that for a profession or just a passion?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I love the road.

[Leah Rudick]

I just love the road, man. I just love the road.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I gotta get on it.

[Jamila Jamil]

That thumb is getting a lot of action.

[Leah Rudick]

That's right.

[Jamila Jamil]

Y.

[Leah Rudick]

No, I've just been doing stand up, you know.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. Preparing for the special.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

That's so exciting.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Oh, wow.

[Jamila Jamil]

When it comes to humiliation, is this a frequent part of your lives or does it sort of come out of nowhere and shock you?

[Leah Rudick]

I feel sort of constantly embarrassed.

[Jamila Jamil]

Mm.

[Leah Rudick]

Like by the smallest interactions.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Right, right.

[Jamila Jamil]

Like self conscious person.

[Leah Rudick]

Extremely self conscious and anxious.

[Jamila Jamil]

God, you chose such a great profession for someone with that constitution. You're a maniac.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I know, but I think that that. Cause that's kind of what I was thinking when I was trying to think of stuff for this too, is I was like, I think that maybe as comedians, we are hypersensitive to humiliation and shame. So that's why we do comedy to almost get ahead of it. So you're like, you can't, you can't make fun of me. I'm making fun of myself or whatever. So I do feel I go out of my way to not get embarrassed almost. So a lot of my stories are from like, when I was younger because I'm like. I feel like something must have happened in my life that then I was like, you will never catch me slipping again. You cannot embarrass me.

[Jamila Jamil]

And then Sunday comes and you slip and you smash your brain. Smash my brain, Exactly. Well, give me an example of. Because I would like to know the kind of things you consider embarrassingly so.

[Leah Rudick]

I'm married to a lovely Canadian man, and every time I see his family, I get confused about the greeting, the double kiss. Cause, you know, like, we didn't grow up here with touch at all. With human touch. Like, my family doesn't hug. Like, we, like, we pat each other on the back like frat boys. Just like, at a distance.

[Jamila Jamil]

So fist pump your dad? Yeah, yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

So like when I. God, the number of times that I have, like, tried to greet his family and just like, kissed them on the mouth, like. Cause I don't know which side it is.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Of course, of course.

[Leah Rudick]

Right, Left.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you use tongue or no?

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Hey, grandma.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah, I use tongue on all of it. He just has like a very comfortable. The very first time I met his. My mother in law, his mother, she. She brought me into her bedroom and showed me her sex drawer.

[Jamila Jamil]

Sorry.

[Leah Rudick]

She pulled out a sex drawer. She was, she's. She's a very generous woman. She, she does like estate sales, so she has a lot of stuff around that she's very like, every time I come over, she's like, leah, look at this, like jewelry. Look at this, like, scarf. Like, look at this. Like, she always has stuff that she wants to give me. But the first, Our first, she was. She was showing me things and I, like, I was also just like very nervous.

[Jamila Jamil]

What's in the drawer?

[Leah Rudick]

Like, sex stuff.

[Jamila Jamil]

Like what?

[Leah Rudick]

Like, there were. There were some handcuffs in there. Oh, my God. There were some like, like latex bodysuits.

[Jamila Jamil]

Why is she showing you this?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

And was it her own?

[Leah Rudick]

Because she was giving.

[Jamila Jamil]

She was, she was trying to share.

[Leah Rudick]

She wanted to give it to me.

[Jamila Jamil]

Sex toys with you? Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

She was, she was being generous?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yes. Sure.

[Jamila Jamil]

Very.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yes, extremely.

[Leah Rudick]

She said what? Take. Take whatever you want.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

This was your first meeting?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

And she wasn't uncomfortable with this?

[Leah Rudick]

Not at all?

[Jamila Jamil]

No. Okay.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

No.

[Jamila Jamil]

So actually your, like, hesitation would make you look like the weirdo in this situation.

[Leah Rudick]

She was maybe. She was maybe fucking with me. Like in retrospect, I was like, you got.

[Jamila Jamil]

That was good. How did she word it? Like, what was she. She was just.

[Leah Rudick]

She just started pulling things out and she was like, oh, Leah, you might like, want this. Like, look at this, like, like lacy thing. Like, do you want. Do you want this? And like, I. Because I just.

[Jamila Jamil]

Does she, like, know what his sexual preferences are? I think she wants a handcuff.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah. She wanted me to please her baby boy, which I did.

[Jamila Jamil]

Which I did.

[Leah Rudick]

I did what I had to do. I wanted to be a good daughter in law. So I took. I did take some stuff because I also just. I'm like a people pleaser and I didn't want. It was my first time meeting her. I wanted to. I knew that this was going to be the person that I marry. Like, I wanted to. I wanted to be like a good girl. Like a good.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah. This is crazy.

[Jamila Jamil]

I took.

[Leah Rudick]

I took like a body. I took a couple body suits.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Now. Has she worn them?

[Leah Rudick]

Well, I don't. I don't know, Alyssa. I'm not sure. And then I just brought them home. I packed them up and brought them home and then I just. I put them in my own sex drawer.

[Jamila Jamil]

Did you ever use them?

[Leah Rudick]

I actually. One of the body suits I wear all the time.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Oh my.

[Jamila Jamil]

She's like, I have her butt plug in me right now.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Actually fits perfectly.

[Leah Rudick]

It actually feels really good.

[Jamila Jamil]

Well, sharing is caring. I guess that's right. Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

That is extraordinary. And I guess the key to her happy marriage, you know, she's passive aggressively setting a kind of. I don't know, like she's sending a message, like, this is how I kept my man happy.

[Leah Rudick]

I think it's so. I think it's so badass. And I don't have kids. But like, I like to think that if I. If in another life I did have like a, like a, A son, I would do the same thing, like, to the daughter and to like someone who came in and I was like, come here.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I cannot describe how different my life is.

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm not allowed to swear in front of my mother in law.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Like, I. I have a memory of. I was like literally 12. I came downstairs, my parents were sitting next to each other. They were like, come sit down, Alyssa. And they had a newspaper clipping and. And it was about blowjobs. And they sat me down. And I just remember maybe both. Definitely my mom Crying going, promise me you will never do this.

[Jamila Jamil]

No.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yes.

[Jamila Jamil]

What do you mean, yes?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

First of all, now, again, in retrospect, I'm like, was there an article in the paper about blowjobs? I'm sure it was about, like, STDs or something. I didn't know what a blowjob was. I was here, and my parents. I just remember it clear as day, sitting in the family room, just looking at me like, promise me. And I was like, I would never.

[Jamila Jamil]

I would.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

That's where they pee. I would never touch my mouth.

[Leah Rudick]

I would never touch the keyhole with my mouth.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I would never.

[Leah Rudick]

But here we are. Yeah, I feel like that that's what my upbringing was, too. Like, I. I have a very clear, like, similar memory of, like, at one point in my life, I had. I had seen the word masturbation. And I asked my mom, I was like, what is masturbating? And she was just like, it's a gross thing that gross people do.

[Host/Announcer]

Shaking.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Just like, get the devil out of my daughter.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

So I feel like we come from similar.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, same, same.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

I mean, Pakistani. Come on. Like, that's it. I'm still not supposed to have had sex. I am still a virgin.

[Leah Rudick]

Did you get. For anyone wondering, did you get any kind of sex talk?

[Jamila Jamil]

I got no sex talk whatsoever. We just had the condom on the carrot at school, and then that's all I had to deal with. So I didn't have my first kiss till I was 21. I didn't have sex till I was 22. Didn't have my first orgasm till I was about 23. Because I.

[Leah Rudick]

You packed a lot into those three years.

[Jamila Jamil]

I became a real hoe. Yeah. Because I was too scared. I didn't know what an orgasm was, so I didn't know what was happening. So anytime it was starting to happen, I would stop it. So I just denied myself orgasms for, like, 18 months into having sex because I was just like, something's wrong. Because no one had ever spoken to me about anything. We didn't really have the Internet and social media in the same way. So there was nothing. There was nowhere for me to get that information. Nobody told me, you don't pee. You think you're gonna pee, you don't pee. I mean, some people pee, but, like. Yeah, I didn't.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Anyway, so basically every time that happened, you were like, I'm about to pee 100. Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. I had no idea. And I was like, jesus Christ, this is so embarrassing. Like, I feel so weird. Inside stop myself totally crazy.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I said, I'm a very similar timeline.

[Jamila Jamil]

She sounds like a legend, this woman. She sounds like a legend.

[Leah Rudick]

It made me a little.

[Jamila Jamil]

It made me a little uncomfortable, the sharing of it all. It should have been new and in a packet and I think I could have maybe gotten to live with it. But I at a 30 day cookie off the ground. So really, who am I to judge anyone? Who are you to judge? Exactly? Yeah, yeah, I. I rescind my. My horror and I apologize. Isn't it wild? What about you give me some micro humiliations?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Okay.

[Host/Announcer]

No.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

So, yeah. So, you know, as I just mentioned, obviously I got told not to do a blowjob at like whatever, 15. I was like, of course.

[Jamila Jamil]

The greatest sin, kill someone, but never, never ever get a blowjob.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah. So I. I was on a job, shockingly recently, had to be two years ago. So very close to the age I am now. And we had an intimacy coordinator. Cause there was an intimate scene and the scene was that we were like hammered and we were having sex and the gentleman was behind me having sex. And so, you know, the intimacy coordinator, they're there to make sure that everything is like smooth and everyone feels comfortable and safe. So we do. The scene director says, cut. Like, Alyssa, can I grab you over here?

[Jamila Jamil]

Let's grab you.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

She's like, so that's not, that's not how sex.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh my God.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

What I'm doing. She literally, this woman was just like, I can't let this slide. You're not, you're not accurately having sex. And this isn't how it.

[Jamila Jamil]

You were a virgin?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Honestly, I might as well have been because basically I had never had sex in this position before.

[Jamila Jamil]

What position was it again?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I couldn't even tell you the name. I don't know. He was behind me. Doggy style, I guess. Doggy style. Standing up. Doggy style.

[Leah Rudick]

Oh, I don't.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I couldn't tell you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, standing up.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

So he's standing. I'm here. And basically I was just kind of going with the. I was jiving. I was going with emotion. And she was like, no, you can't. You know, it's gotta. You guys gotta go like this. So she's like, you have to resist. Like, you know, there's a. There would be a penis. So you have to resist. So then I had to.

[Jamila Jamil]

You have to meet the penis.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

That's right. And I had to practice with my scene partner so that I could be more accurately portraying this.

[Jamila Jamil]

Cause you were sort of doing the Roomba. Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I was crazy.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

You were just like, yeah, really grinding.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I was grinding.

[Jamila Jamil]

You were like.

[Leah Rudick]

I was like, yes, I know this.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, sure.

[Leah Rudick]

I did this in seventh grade.

[Jamila Jamil]

You did Rihanna when we needed Mia Khalifa.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

There we go. Exactly.

[Jamila Jamil]

That's hilarious.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah. So.

[Jamila Jamil]

That is so humbling.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

So humbling.

[Jamila Jamil]

So endearing. I love you both right now.

[Leah Rudick]

Oh, my God.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It's horrifying to just be like, okay.

[Leah Rudick]

I feel like that intimacy coordinator should be fired.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

That's right. I feel like I was less safe with her there emotionally.

[Leah Rudick]

How dare she? But she literally humiliate you like that.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

But I think she saved me from future humiliation. Cause she was like, you're gonna. People are gonna be like, that's a virgin. That someone doesn't know. That is crazy.

[Jamila Jamil]

Wait, do you have a partner?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yes.

[Jamila Jamil]

Were you partnered at the time?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yes.

[Jamila Jamil]

Did you go home and ask him, like, do I know how to have sex?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I'm sure I did not, nor will I ever again. This is. I'm from Massachusetts. Hi.

[Jamila Jamil]

How are you?

[Host/Announcer]

Oh, are you.

[Leah Rudick]

Good to see you.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

We don't talk about that kind of thing. Yeah. I did a joke once on stage that was just, like, someone asked me what my favorite position was, and I was like, of the two. And I swear to God, I called my friend before I did it, and I was like, just to be clear, like, there are more than two, right? And she's like, exactly, Exactly. And I was like, no, no, I'm not doing the joke. I'm making sure people out there are doing more than two positions of sex. And she was like, yes, yes. So, yeah.

[Ad Voice (Sundaes)]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

I mean, I don't.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Right. Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Who's like, who has time?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Who has time? Yeah, I got that.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I get to.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Whenever I've tried anything else, it just feels really laborious and like, I'm trying to perform porn rather than actually really enjoying it. Like, I don't. I don't want to feel like I'm at the gym.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I agree.

[Jamila Jamil]

You know, I don't want to feel like I don't. I don't want it to be like a reformer. Pilates.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Exactly.

[Jamila Jamil]

I just want to have some sex.

[Leah Rudick]

You don't need to have. Sore again.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

We are brain injured. You can't. You can't even afford to be in a.

[Leah Rudick]

You guys have to be in a 40 crazy position.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Without a helmet.

[Jamila Jamil]

I don't know if it's even ethical for anyone to have sex with me. I don't know if that's just abused at this point. Like, I don't know if I'm even willfully consenting to anything.

[Leah Rudick]

The authority should be like, services, some kind of services.

[Jamila Jamil]

Some have protective services with Stone where I have the brain of a two year old now. Like, is it ethical? Oh God, we need to go to a break. I've taken this to a really weird place.

[Host/Announcer]

January is when we recommit to the habits that support our health and well being. And naturally we start looking at what can support those goals. Including supplements. The supplement industry is a low trust category. It's lightly regulated. Products are easy to make and companies don't even have to list everything on their label. That's exactly why I choose Momentous. They've become the high trust brand in a low trust category. They weren't satisfied with the industry standard, so they built the Momentus standard. Their commitment to doing things the right way, not the easy way. What truly sets Momentous apart is their testing and transparency. Every product is independently certified by NSF for sport, meaning it's tested for contaminants, heavy metals, banned substances, and verified for label accuracy. So you always know exactly what you're putting in your body. And if a product doesn't meet their standard, it never hits the shelves. In a space where trust is rare, Momentous is redefining what trust looks like. And I've genuinely felt the difference using their protein and creatine every day. Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code PODCAST. Head to livemomentous.com and use promo code PODCAST for up to 35 percent off your first order. That's livemomentous.com, promo code PODCAST.

[Ad Voice (Jerry)]

You know what's wild? Most people are still overpaying for car insurance just because it's a pain to switch. That's why there's Jerry. Jerry's the only app that compares rates from over 50 insurance in minutes and helps you switch fast with no spam calls or hidden fees. Drivers who save with Jerry could save over $1,300 a year. Before you renew your car insurance policy, do yourself a favor, download the Jerry app or head to Jerry AI Acast.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

BetterHelp Online Therapy bought this 30 second ad to remind you right now, wherever you are, to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath in and out. Feels better, right? That's 15 seconds of self care. Imagine what you could do with more visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of therapy. No pressure, just help. But for now, just Relax.

[Jamila Jamil]

And we are back. Good grief. That is just honestly one of the most enjoyable opening sections I've ever had on this podcast. I want you both to come back every single week. I love you both. Okay, so, Leah, it's time for your big wrong turn.

[Leah Rudick]

Okay, so this goes back to college. I am someone who will just do anything to get people to like me. And this has kind of been just my burden my entire life. And I. I just. So I went to a small liberal arts. I went to Sarah Lawrence College, small liberal arts college on the east coast from Ohio. I went there. It was like, total culture shock. Like, I was so out of my element, and I just wanted friends so badly, but I just couldn't quite find my way in. My roommate was a beautiful blonde trust fund girl from the West Village. I thought she was so cool. She just, like, binge watched Sex and the City all day and just was like. I was just obsessed with her.

[Jamila Jamil]

She's like something out of a movie.

[Leah Rudick]

She's something out of a movie. She had this, like, great, like, big laugh where she would throw back her head and just, like, cackle. She was Cameron Diaz. Exactly. And she immediately was just, like, friends with everybody. And I was just kind of, like, watching from the sidelines. Just like, let me in. Let me in. But, like, it was.

[Jamila Jamil]

It was.

[Leah Rudick]

I just was like, I didn't know anything about the world. I was like. It was. And so one day in the first semester, she was going with two of her cool, rich friends, and they were gonna drive into the city because one of them had, like, a car, by.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

The way, in college, people to have a car.

[Leah Rudick]

It was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And I was like, I'm gonna just, like, shoot my shot, and I'm gonna be like, can I come into the city with you guys?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

So brave.

[Leah Rudick]

Thank you so much. I did it. I, like, it was so hard.

[Jamila Jamil]

I still do that. Honestly. That is amazing.

[Leah Rudick]

I think I blacked out. Maybe I was concussed. I was like, can I come into the city with you guys? And she was like, oh, my God, of course.

[Ad Voice (Jerry)]

Of course.

[Leah Rudick]

So I get into this car. I think it's like a Lexus. It's like a rich person car. And it's these three beautiful girls, and we're driving, and we're like, halfway there.

[Jamila Jamil]

Stop, everyone. Because if someone's watching this, right? You're speaking about this as if you're. And I love him, but Steve Buscemi. And you are very, very beautiful. Like, you're outrageously beautiful yourself. You're speaking about this from, like, this Gollum perspective. And I just worry that if anyone's listening to this, they're just like, wow, this brave, Toothless. Like, can I come into this video in front of you? Yeah, exactly.

[Leah Rudick]

That's so nice to hear. But when I look back on that memory, like, that is how I see myself. You know what I mean?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. It's just like, all right, Uma Thurman. But.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Most of the time, I'm looking at you. I am not listening. I'm going, God.

[Leah Rudick]

Oh, my God, you guys are so nice.

[Jamila Jamil]

I don't remember a thing you've said. I don't even know your name.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I don't know where we are.

[Jamila Jamil]

I don't know what you think.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Wow.

[Leah Rudick]

Stop it.

[Jamila Jamil]

I thought this was America's Next Top Model. I was like.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I was like, you're in. You win.

[Host/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Sorry. Carry on with your story about how pathetic and disgusting you are.

[Leah Rudick]

Go on. So we're driving the city, and at one point, halfway through. Winnie. Her name's Winnie. Winifred, she turns to me and she.

[Jamila Jamil]

Goes, wait, who's Winnie?

[Leah Rudick]

My roommate.

[Jamila Jamil]

Okay, so there's one thing counting against that's like. That's good.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

My dog is called Winnie, but, yeah. Okay, so Winnie Fred is a crazy name to give her.

[Leah Rudick]

Winifred.

[Jamila Jamil]

They were trying to keep her a virgin for a very time long.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%.

[Jamila Jamil]

You can't be like, ah, Harder, Winifred.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

You know what I mean?

[Leah Rudick]

She's like. She's doing your thing. Alyssa. She turns to me and she goes, where? Where do you want us to drop you off?

[Jamila Jamil]

No, no, I can't.

[Ad Voice (Sundaes)]

Actually.

[Jamila Jamil]

I don't.

[Leah Rudick]

And to my credit, I stayed very brave. And I just said, oh, I was. I was thinking maybe I could hang out with you.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Hi. Fucking fuck. Thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, my gosh, thank you. That's high five as well. Yeah. She's a great honor of this.

[Leah Rudick]

And she's like, oh, sure. Like, so nice.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I love the shots each time. Oh, she's. Oh, yeah, of course.

[Leah Rudick]

Like, you exist. Yeah. So we go into the city, and.

[Jamila Jamil]

I just have this feeling. I have this image of her just dropping you off at the zoo. Just being like, you're home now. Yes, here.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Maybe with you.

[Leah Rudick]

Disney, disgusting monster. Going to the cage. So I go with these girls into the city, and, like, we go. We get sushi. I have never had sushi before. I, like, ask for a fork. Like, it's like I'm out of my element. And then we get fake IDs that they were gonna go get fake IDs. So we go to this place on St. Mark's we all get fake IDs. I don't even drink at the time. Like, I'm such a. Like, I've never touched alcohol, but I do it because I want these girls to like me. And then one of them is like, we should get our belly buttons pierced. And I was like, yes, of course. Like, I've been wanting to get my belly button pierced, even though, like, I don't. The last time I had a piercing, I, like, fainted. Like, I don't want to get a piercing. So I'm like, oh, let's do it. So we go to this little shop, and being young is so awful.

[Jamila Jamil]

It's so brutal.

[Leah Rudick]

And then everyone is, like, getting nervous because no one, like, actually wants to do it. So I'm like, let me step up. And, like. Like, they're gonna really like me if I, like, get. So I'm like, I'll do it. I'll get my belly button pierced so I get it pierced. How was Was. It was fine, but it.

[Jamila Jamil]

It.

[Leah Rudick]

It got infected immediately.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I've been to that place, by the way. I can picture it.

[Leah Rudick]

All the bongs.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

All the bongs.

[Leah Rudick]

I've been there.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I've got.

[Leah Rudick]

I guess we were maybe there at the same time.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Absolutely.

[Leah Rudick]

And then. Nobody else does it.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

No.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh. Because watching you do it was so brutal, I guess. Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

They're just like, oh, we don't actually want to do this.

[Jamila Jamil]

That is bullying.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Right?

[Leah Rudick]

Thank you.

[Jamila Jamil]

That is bullying.

[Leah Rudick]

Thank you. And then I had this fake id, and I brought it home for the holidays, and I tried to get into a comedy club with my parents.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Oh.

[Leah Rudick]

And they, like, almost called the. They almost arrested me. The club. My parents were like, oh, well, let's go to a club. Leah has this fake id. Like, we'll get you in. And they confiscated my fake id. And then I had to. I sat in the car while my parents went.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Oh, my. Your parents went to the show? Oh, my God. You could not win that year. That was not your year.

[Jamila Jamil]

That is legendary behavior from your parents.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah, I know. It's really.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

But I'm sure if you were a people pleaser, you were just like, please go to the car. I want to be in the car. I love the truck. I love the car. I want a piece.

[Leah Rudick]

I'm gonna go nurse my belly button wound.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I really do feel, though, like, hearing that. I'm like, it is such. I think we have to Go through it. But even hearing that, like, why did we spend so much time wanting to be friends with people who didn't like.

[Jamila Jamil]

Us, who wouldn't give us time of day?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It's such a sad thing to look back on. Cause I'm like, ugh. Even I didn't.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It's just. So when you're like, oh, if you think of yourself now, you'd be like, I would just not. I'd be like, oh, I don't care about. But it's so tough.

[Jamila Jamil]

My entire youth was just trying to, you know, like. And I really did such a bad job. I've spoken before on the podcast about the fact that I used to set up a coat check at parties, and if it was the summer, then there would be no coats. So I would bring a bin bag and clean up at the parties. And I thought that would make people like me because I was so helpful.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Of course.

[Jamila Jamil]

And I would just be cleaning up all the red carpets in the chat. Yeah. They were like, oh, the cleaning lady's so young. The maid is a. This is child labor. Yeah. Anyway, thank you for that story. That is devastating. And I'm so proud of the ways in which you put yourself out there.

[Leah Rudick]

It felt like I was learning to take risks, and you take risks and you win some and you lose some.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. And that. That's why you're the road dog now. That's why I'm on the road dog life.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

You're the one in the car now. You don't have to ask to be in the car. I'm driving the day.

[Leah Rudick]

Get in. I'll take you to the city.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

That's right. We're getting our pierced.

[Jamila Jamil]

Leah, thank you for that story. We're gonna go to a quick break to have a rest.

[Ad Voice (Jerry)]

Tired of your car insurance rate going up? Even with a clean driving record, you're not alone. That's why there's Jerry, your proactive insurance assistant. Jerry compares rates side by side from over 50 top insurers and helps you switch with ease. Jerry even tracks market rates and alerts you when it's best to shop. No spam calls, no hidden fees. Drivers who save with Jerry could save over $1,300 a year. Switch with confidence. Download the Jerry app or visit Jerry AI acast.

[Ad Voice (Sundaes)]

Today is your dog's food created to maximize your dog's quality of life or to extend the food's shelf life? It's time to make the switch to Sundaes. Sundaes was founded by a veterinarian and mom Dr. Tori Waxman who got tired of seeing so called premium dog food full of fillers and synthetics. So she designed sundaes, air dried real food made in a human grade kitchen using the same ingredients and care you'd use to cook for yourself and your family. Every bite of sundaes is clean and made from real meat, fruits and veggies with no kibble. That means no weird ingredients you can't pronounce and no fillers because your dog deserves food made with care, not in the interest of cost cutting. You just scoop and serve. No freezer, no thawing or prep, no mess. Just nutrient rich clean food that fuels their happiest, healthiest days so you get more of them to share together. So go right now to sundaysfordogs.com Acast30 and get 30% off your first three orders. Or you can use code Acast30 at checkout. That's 30% off your first order at Sundays for dogs.com Acast30 or use code Acast30 at checkout.

[Ad Voice (Matt from P1)]

Hi, it's Matt here from P1 with Matt and Tommy and this episode is sponsored by ebay. Ever tried to buy a car online and end up in a parking lot with a stranger, a paper title and some blind trust? With secure purchase on ebay you don't have to. Secure purchase means sellers and titles are verified, financing cover, registration, handled delivery, get your ride plates and paperwork shipped to you. So you can skip the DMV and sketchy meetups. Buy your next car on ebay. Ebay Things people love. Secure purchase is powered by Caramel Dealer Services LLC, an eBay subsidiary.

[Jamila Jamil]

And we're back. What about you? Do you have a big wrong turn for us today?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I think that's. But it's. When I look at the story I told you at first, it's like it's a lot of that going backwards.

[Jamila Jamil]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

If I think of kind of similar.

[Jamila Jamil]

Or as in like lots of sex stories or humans lots.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

You couldn't even call them sex stories. But lots of it would not be.

[Jamila Jamil]

It would be a situation to put.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Them in a category of sex. Even when you were saying like we have the same timeline of when things happen except orgasm was like 32. But anyway, I.

[Jamila Jamil]

Any day now, Any day now.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

But put me in touch with your mother in law, please.

[Leah Rudick]

I have some stuff I can give you. I have a suitcase in my account.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, this is like the sisterhood of the traveling Dillon. It's so insane.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It really is like kind of the one thing you really can't Share. You should not be sharing anyway.

[Leah Rudick]

Right, Right.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

But yeah, even when you're saying 22, it's like, I remember the first time I had sex. Just like, it didn't. It didn't even work. Like, do you remember that? Like, I remember the first. Like, it just. It didn't take. It didn't take.

[Leah Rudick]

Like, it didn't.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Cause I was just.

[Leah Rudick]

It didn't go in.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Imagine go in.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Cause I was just like, it's time we do it. Let's do it. And it was just like, it didn't.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. And that's just not really how the bone works.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It's not really how it works.

[Leah Rudick]

You can't just be like, go ahead.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. She has to say it's time.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

That's right. I was not listening to her.

[Jamila Jamil]

The issue of your 20s is learning that your brain can't say it's time your pussy has to die.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Right.

[Jamila Jamil]

Exactly.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah. But no, I just have this memory because similar. Although I guess maybe less than, like, wanting people to like me. I just always was like, if I make people laugh, then so it's the same.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

But I was with my friends in the cafeteria. Had to be, I don't know, eighth grade, maybe. All my friends and I saw etched on the table was just like, nick loves cock. And Nick was, like, really smoking hot guy, maybe. You know what I mean? Who knows? I was in 8th grade. Couldn't tell you. But at the time, I was.

[Jamila Jamil]

Do you know who Nick was?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Oh, well, in my head, you know, my world's small, so I'm like, if it says Nick on the table, it's got to be the one Nick. I know. Granted, the school was, like 400 people. But in my head, I'm like, it must be this man who I'm thinking of who's so hot and, like, I'm obsessed with. And everyone's obsessed with him. He's the hot guy. He's got the crew cut. He's got. Well, that. See, even that is a leap. I didn't. I'm not there yet. So I see Nick loves cock. I literally just look at it. I turn to my table of friends, and I'm just like, well, well, well, ladies. You can just call me cock. I literally announce to the table, call me cock.

[Leah Rudick]

Did you know?

[Jamila Jamil]

No.

[Leah Rudick]

You didn't know what cock meant?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I didn't know what cock meant. No, I was just like, cock. I don't know. This person loves cock. So I'm. Nick's gonna love me, bitches. Like, call me Cock. And everyone. It was very similar to the reaction here. Kind of a stunned confusion.

[Jamila Jamil]

You can call me Al now, but you can call me.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

You can.

[Host/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

So.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

And then they were like, do you know what cock was? I think eventually I kind of was like a chicken or something. And then it eventually went to penis. And I don't even think I still made the leap of like, they're trying to say that Nick loves penis.

[Leah Rudick]

I don't know what a penis is.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Even if it was.

[Jamila Jamil]

You just go, call me penis.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Call me penis. Yeah, yeah. So it's sort of like that was kind of my intro to just whatever. But then I did end up, like, really liking this guy and, like, my, like, being kind of, like feeling a charge in my body by this guy. My family was very, you know, grew up Greek Orthodox and went to Catholic school. So I was just locked up on kind of. Every door was bolted. But this guy was coming over. I think he was like a year older than me. He was coming over, and maybe he picked me up another time and he. I just. I have a memory of him honking and my parents really hating that. Being like, this is not a good guy. You come to the door. You come to the door. My parents, by the way, before they went on a first date, which was in college, my dad had to go out to dinner with my mom parents. So this is kind of what we're doing.

[Jamila Jamil]

I think we need to bring that back.

[Leah Rudick]

I think that we should bring that back.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I think it's nice. I think it's nice. Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

A psycho back check.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

You know what I mean?

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Right?

[Leah Rudick]

Cause it's like, go ahead. You want to take it.

[Jamila Jamil]

It will stop someone from wasting your fucking time.

[Leah Rudick]

That's true.

[Jamila Jamil]

I mean.

[Ad Voice (Jerry)]

Yeah, it's true.

[Jamila Jamil]

And you're right. Honking is rude.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It is rude.

[Jamila Jamil]

It was rude.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

In retrospect, they were totally right.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

But I was like, nick, this is not Nick. I wish. Please. Nick was again. This is a many steps down from him.

[Leah Rudick]

Listen, I will. He was stuck on Nick.

[Jamila Jamil]

It sounds like Nick was busy with some other men.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Which I'm happy for him. But. Yeah, he was not as interested in.

[Host/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Gay rights. Yeah, gay rights.

[Leah Rudick]

Of course.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

So, yeah. So anyway, this guy comes over for the first time, and we had. Hello. A finished basement. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

You were one of those.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Did you have a finished basement? No. Do you know about the lore of.

[Jamila Jamil]

The finished basement basement in Finland? I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means.

[Leah Rudick]

Like a Basement with, like, carpet and, like, a tv. Like a rec room where you can go and hang out.

[Jamila Jamil]

That is, like, finished.

[Leah Rudick]

Like, it's. It's done like.

[Jamila Jamil]

Like a man cave.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Exactly.

[Jamila Jamil]

Like a kid cave.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

So it's kind of like. That's where we.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, cool.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Wow.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

Okay.

[Leah Rudick]

So you were the cool kid.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Let's say things were looking up from Nick loves. Because it's probably two years later. I turned some things around. So I'm in the basement and we got a movie on, and my parents are. So this guy is here with me. My parents are. They are coming down those. I just. You know, it's like, so cinematic. It's like the couch is here, and then you can just see, like, there's. The stairs are half hidden. So, like, they're popping down to look at basically any time.

[Leah Rudick]

Are they bringing you treats?

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

They're bringing me treats. They're checking in. They're looking for things in the basement. Oh, my billiard cube. You know, they're just doing whatever they can to kind of keep interrupting. Interrupting.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

And then there was, like, a lull, and this guy got just on top of me. So many clothes on. Every layer of clothing on. No, clothes are off. And we were just having a smooch. As he does this. My dad comes down. The guy jumps off of me. That's all I remember. And then the next day, my dad drove me to school, and it was silence for 30 minutes. We are literally pulling up to school. My dad just goes, was. You know, men don't always have the best intentions. And not.

[Jamila Jamil]

No, not.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

No. Yeah, yeah. And I don't think I ever, like, went out with him again. And then I lost my virginity probably a decade later.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, no.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

No.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, God.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah. That was probably a full. Cause it was just like.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Ad Voice (BetterHelp)]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

I was like, oh, okay.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

What is he going to do? Because also, men don't have the best intentions. You know, I don't even know what that means.

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm going, like, what's he gonna.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

What's he trying to do? What's. Is he. Is he coming to kill me? Is he gonna get me? Is he gonna get me in the basement? You know, so. Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

It also sounds like you weren't prepared to try anything ever again in your home. Correct.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Correct.

[Jamila Jamil]

So you really have to wait till you were out of there. Yeah. Great point. That is traumatizing.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

That's a great point.

[Leah Rudick]

That's mortifying.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Someone walking. A parent walking in on me would kill me.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

But it's funny. Cause it's like they were walking in on me, but. But not even.

[Leah Rudick]

I just have this image of you guys both just in big coat, like, fluffy coats and, like, boots. Like, ugg boots.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Totally.

[Leah Rudick]

Just laying like snowmen on top of each other.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Exactly, exactly. This was also, like, the same year that I was just. I was so, like, I was in a carpool, and there was, like, a little boy in the carpool, maybe three years younger than me. And we arrive at school and he just goes, mom, why does Alyssa have a mustache and she's a girl?

[Jamila Jamil]

You know, it's just.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

It was a tough, it was a tough.

[Jamila Jamil]

It was a tough time.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I was figuring it out.

[Leah Rudick]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I was figuring it out.

[Leah Rudick]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

But that's it. That is horrifying. I am very proud of you for your stoicism in life, and I'm amazed you ever had sex again. Frankly, after ever being walked in on by a parent. I just can't. It's just, I think I don't know which one's worse. Is it worse to be walked in on a parent or to walk on a parent shagging? And has that ever happened to you?

[Ad Voice (Jerry)]

No.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

No. Thank God, No.

[Jamila Jamil]

Same. No.

[Leah Rudick]

I, I would never recover. I think walking in on parents is, is worse.

[Jamila Jamil]

Right, Right, right, right, right.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I think it's worse.

[Jamila Jamil]

Apparently, that's how a friend of mine's kink started for high heels. He walked in on his parents having sex, like a kind of when he was like, seven or eight, just as he's starting to get a little bit of sexual feeling. And his mother was wearing, like, red heels at the time. And the moment of sexual arousal, plus seeing her heels led to, like, a lifelong shoe fucking session.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

This is like the concussion shit. It's like our brains are too.

[Jamila Jamil]

That shouldn't have. And isn't it crazy how we just raw dog these brains? We're just looking at trauma all day on our phones and triggers and dopamine. And then people are watching fucking porn and they're watching scary movies and True Detective and all this, like, shit. We're just bombarding these brains. We're just not wearing hair helmets all the time. We should be wearing I should be wearing a helmet all the time. You know, my doctor actually suggested that. He was like, I think it could be time to discuss a permanent helmet, which is crazy. I was like, I'm on television. That's not gonna work.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Your character's riding a bike. I, I, yeah, he said that out loud.

[Jamila Jamil]

He was like, I think it's worth.

[Leah Rudick]

Considering a full time helmet, I think it's time for a bubble.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Thank you both so much for bringing such a feeling of warmth and sisterhood. There's been such support around this table. Do you know what I mean? I almost feel like we're sharing sex toys. You know, there's that bonding feeling of true kinship here.

[Leah Rudick]

My sex toys are both of your sex toys. Thank you. You're welcome.

[Jamila Jamil]

My sex toys are still just my sex toys.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

My sex British toys are just lights on, lights off. And they're for everyone. You can all share those.

[Jamila Jamil]

You know, I have a friend who brings around an entire like Santa sack of sex toys with her wherever she travels, either by herself or with her husband. Like a full, like a trunk. Sometimes it's a trunk, sometimes it's a sack. And like if she goes over to his parents house for the holidays, she'll still bring her little Santa sack of butt plugs and dildos and all kinds of things. And I, I'm. I'm both horrified, but also so in awe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Leah Rudick]

I could never, I would never, could never, would never. Other than the time I did cart sex toys across the border from my mother in law.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Right?

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. That. I'm gonna never, ever, ever stop thinking about that story. I agree. Okay, so before we go, we have wonderful listeners who like to join in the fun. And they share their vulnerable wrong turns. We call this item Misery Loves Company. And this one's from Shanice. So Shanice says, the first time I thought I was gonna have sex. Okay, there's a theme today. Well done. To our producer, Stuart. I was with a guy who I had been.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Sick freak. Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

He'S rock hard in the corner. He's just. Okay. So the first time I thought I was going to have sex, I was with a guy who I'd been dating for about four months. We had only ever engaged in heavy petting. We need to retire that phrase. Okay. And I told him I was ready for more. There you go. That's a girl who understands pussy. First his face lit up and very excitedly he asked if he could.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Hold my hand.

[Jamila Jamil]

Wait, what? He asked if he could brush my ass. Brush my ass. I didn't know what this meant. Okay, thank God, because neither did I.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

No.

[Jamila Jamil]

And I assumed it was a sex expression. So I gave him the green light and we both got naked and I was so into it. And then he ran to his. No, he ran to his bathroom to get an actual hairbrush.

[Leah Rudick]

Oh.

[Jamila Jamil]

And he got behind me and I learned this is literally what he had in mind.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

I can't. Oh, my God.

[Jamila Jamil]

After about five minutes, which is such a long. I asked if we could move on to whatever was next, and he said.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

He was just getting started. God, that would be so painful.

[Jamila Jamil]

All this bristle. You don't have a brush. And also you'd be like, how hairy is my ass? How hairy?

[Host/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jamila Jamil]

I told him I was calling it a day. And I don't mean to kink shame, but how long does ass brushing take?

[Leah Rudick]

Shanice?

[Jamila Jamil]

2026 can never be bad now because you shared that story and it will keep me warm in my darkest moments. Oh, that's one of. I didn't think I could ever be surprised after six months of doing this podcast. I thought I'd heard it all, but that is really. Oh, dude, that is something.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Also such a good sport to just do it for five. To not question it for the first five.

[Leah Rudick]

To go to five minutes.

[Jamila Jamil]

Where does that kink start? Right, we've spoken about my friend who saw, like, the mum fucking and, like, with the shoes on. And then he has the. Like, was this, like. Was he cleaning his dog or something? Like a horse?

[Leah Rudick]

Like a horse. Like brushing the horse. It's a horse he wants to fuck off.

[Jamila Jamil]

He's a horsefucker. That's what it is. Well done for running, Shanice. You're a legend. Thank you for that amazing wrong turn. Incredible stories all around. I'm in such a fucking good mood. I feel as though I've never even had one single concussion. Thank you so much for coming when you are freshly concussed.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Now this healed me. I feel I feel a thousand times better.

[Jamila Jamil]

Oh, I feel really genuinely good and warm and so.

[Leah Rudick]

Me too.

[Jamila Jamil]

Thank you both. Before we go, Leah, do you have anything you want people to see and hear about?

[Leah Rudick]

Oh, I have some fun shows coming up that are. It's on my social media or on my website. Leahrudick.com.

[Jamila Jamil]

Yeah, perfect. And Alyssa.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Yes, same, but not shows. I have a short film that just went out on short of the week and I have some. Thanks. I have some films coming out that you can follow. Lissalimp. My social media will tell you all you need to know and more.

[Jamila Jamil]

Ooh, fascinating.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

And more.

[Jamila Jamil]

I'm sure everyone will flock to your accounts and follow you everywhere you go. I adore you both and I'm such a fan. Thank you so much for coming.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

Thanks for having us.

[Jamila Jamil]

Wrong Turns was created and produced by me, Jamila Jamil and Stuart Bailey. And thank you to consulting producer Colin Anderson, you can email us a voice memo of your own wrong turns. All you have to do is email personal disaster storiesmail.com and if you are also enjoying me as a person, I have a substance stack. It's called a low Desire to Please. That's enough of me. I'm gonna fuck off now. Bye.

[Ad Voice (LifeLock)]

The New year brings new health goals and wealth goals. Protecting your identity is an important step. Your info is in endless places that could expose you to identity theft leading to lost funds. LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second. If your identity is stolen, our restoration specialists will fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Resolve to make identity, health and wealth part of your New year's goals with LifeLock, save up to 40% your first year. Visit LifeLock.com SpecialOffer Terms Apply.

[Jamila Jamil]

Acast powers.

[Alyssa Lynne Barris]

The World's best Podcasts Here's a show that we recommend.

[Ad Voice (TED Health)]

A random influencer, a friend who read something somewhere your doctor it can be hard to know where to get trusted health information. Tedhealth is a podcast that will help you focus on the stuff that you actually need to know to live your healthiest life. I'm Dr. Shoshana Ungerleiter, a practicing internist and I share weekly TED talks from certified health experts that break down the questions you're always getting different answers to get the science backed ideas for a healthier you with TED Health. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Jamila Jamil]

ACAST helps.

[Leah Rudick]

Creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

[Jamila Jamil]

Acast.com.