You Are Not Broken – Episode 310: Redefining Masculinity and Safety

Host: Dr. Kelly Casperson | Guest: Traver Boehm
Date: March 30, 2025

Episode Theme Overview

In this dynamic episode, Dr. Kelly Casperson welcomes author, coach, and men’s work leader Traver Boehm. Together, they deeply explore the modern definition of masculinity, what it really means for men to create a sense of safety (especially for women and in relationships), and the cultural forces shaping connection, vulnerability, and partnership. With honesty and a splash of humor, they dissect long-held narratives about men and women, emotional maturity, therapy, and the shifting landscape of relationships in midlife.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Traver Boehm’s Origin Story: Path to Men’s Work

• The “Invisible Step” & Year to Live Project: Traver shares how his TEDx talk on living a year as if it were his last unexpectedly led men to reach out for help processing divorce and heartbreak.

  "Men started reaching out to me from that book, which I thought was insane. I did not expect that to happen." – Traver (03:15)

• The Book "Today I Rise": Originally written as 90 letters to anyone struggling after divorce, it incidentally became a conduit to men’s emotional struggles.
• Direct Engagement: Traver personally replied to every man who reached out:

  "Anytime a guy emailed me himself, I would reply, 'What's your phone number? I'd love to get on a call with you.'" (04:29)

• Discovering Patterns: Men’s pain often centered on shame (power, sexuality, sensitivity) and a lack of emotional or physical outlet.

2. Redefining Masculinity: Allowing the Full Spectrum

• The Primal & Divine: Traver splits men's experiences between primal (action, strength, aggression) and divine (sensitivity, creativity, emotional intelligence).

  "I couched it as the primal and the divine. And that was somewhere in between. The two men found themselves, and they needed to extend into the other." (06:06)

• Social Backlash: In the wake of #MeToo and “toxic masculinity” discourse, even talking directly to men became controversial.

  "Even back then, me just even speaking to men would get me attacked...I said, 'Hey guys, here's how you change your life.' 'Why aren't you talking to women…?' It was insane." (09:06)

• Permission & Purpose: Both hosts reflect on needing to “give themselves permission” to step into new, potentially controversial public roles.

  "The only permission you need is your own." – Kelly (11:27)

3. Defining Masculinity and Safety

• A Fluid Definition: Traver frames masculinity not as a set of behaviors, but as an orientation to life, a spectrum between primal and creative or grounded energies.

  "It's the way men orient themselves in the world. That's the best way I can describe it… Are you grounded? Are you stable? Are you centered?" (13:51)

• Internal Safety for Women: Kelly presses on the need for emotional and physical safety as a foundation for intimacy.

  "Nobody's even taught to think about safety…It's like, not that kind of safe. Internal safety." – Kelly (17:09)

4. The Lived Experience of Safety & Power Dynamics

• The Story of the Date: Traver recounts a date where, despite offering “protection,” his date was more afraid of him than any outside threat.

  "She goes, 'You think I'm scared of him, but I'm way more scared of you.' …I was like, okay, shit." (19:11)

• Doing the Work: The need for men (especially those with physical power) to do deep emotional work, not just offer surface-level assurances.

  "It's not my words that make women feel safe or people feel safe, it's literally my presence…" (20:08)

• Practical Safety Tips for Men: Kelly asks for actionable steps, leading to a discussion of awareness and emotional self-regulation.

5. Emotional Maturity, Triggers, and Intimacy

• Understanding Triggers: Men need to recognize the magnitude of their reactions – “your reactions will scare her way more than the outside world will.”
• Men's Circles, Therapy, & Meeting Themselves:

  "Being intimate with your own inner workings is probably the best thing you can ever do." – Traver (26:23)

• Workshop Story: At a co-ed event, women were unsettled by calm, grounded men – an unusual experience.

  “No one's gotten angry. No one's yelled...I don't feel like anybody's trying to fuck me from across the room.” – Participant, paraphrased by Traver (29:01)

6. Therapy & Mental Health Culture for Men

• Standard Therapy Gaps: Traditional therapy is often female-oriented; men often seek challenge and accountability in their healing.

  "The standard Western therapeutic model...is oriented towards women." – Traver (30:25)

• Finding the Right Fit: Men do better with therapists who “meet them,” give homework, and can hold them accountable – often with other men.

  "We don't need another mom. We need someone to come in and go, 'All right, bro, I'm gonna love you through this, and I'm gonna fucking hold your feet to the fire.'" (34:32)

7. What Men & Women Get Wrong About Each Other

• Different Orientations: Women tend toward complexity and flow; men toward singular focus and need for decompression.

  "Men are more singular...Women, it's more… holding all of those in my head… if you understood how we exist in our bodies, there would be a bit more grace for us." – Traver (36:00+)

8. Changing Role Models, Divorce, and Fulfillment in Relationships

• Statistics & Cultural Shifts: Most divorces (especially among educated couples) are now initiated by women.

  "At some point, you needed us to orient yourself…Now you can do whatever the fuck you want without us... choice is this amazing thing that's now in the female collective." – Traver (42:45)

• Consequences of Choice: With independence, women are less willing to tolerate unfulfilling relationships; men are often less likely to leave, enduring even unhappy marriages.
• Communication Breakdown Around Sex: The inability or immaturity to discuss sex directly is a root cause of many midlife splits.

  "I got married to someone with less conversations [about intimacy] and we didn't have, we didn't have like a 10 minute conversation." – Traver (52:39)

9. Pornography, Purpose, and Numbing

• Addiction & Numbing: Porn appeals to unmet needs for relief, belonging, and escape for men, and is often not handled responsibly.

  "I don't think most men can handle it...It's so fucking slippery and so attuned to the male needs." – Traver (57:46)

• Communication with Partners: Traver and Kelly advocate for honest conversations about porn use, especially when in relationships.

10. Menopause, Hormones, and Humanizing Your Partner

• Educational Gaps: Many men don’t understand the biological changes women undergo midlife; education could bridge empathy and improve intimacy.

  "My guys view their partners as humans first. Hey, this is a human in front of me…not my sexual delivery service." – Traver (62:32)

11. Mature Communication and Relationship Revamp

• Maturity Required: Healthy partnerships require adult conversations about difficult issues, especially around sex and unmet needs.
• Societal Narratives: Both hosts urge the need to recognize each other’s humanity for deeper, more sustainable connection.

  "If I could get every man in the world and every woman in the world in the same room…Tell me about your life. What is it like to be in your body? Holy shit…" – Traver (64:25)

Selected Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Kelly on Permission:

  "The only permission you need is your own." (11:27)

• Traver on Masculinity:

  "Are you orienting yourself in a way that feels authentic to you as a man? ... Are the people around you safe? Do they feel comfortable in your presence? Are you the peace and calm that walks into the room?" (16:00)

• Traver shares date story:

  "'I'm going to be honest with you. You think I'm scared of him, but I'm way more scared of you.'" (19:23)

• Traver on Therapy for Men:

  "We don't need another mom. We need someone to come in and go...I'm going to fucking hold your feet to the fire." (34:42)

• On Divorce:

  "Now you have choice. And so I think there's a positive element to that and then there's a shadow element to that." (42:48)

• On Sex & Communication:

  "We didn't have like a 10 minute conversation [before marriage]." (52:39)

• On Seeing Partners as Human:

  "This is a human. This is not my sexual delivery service...This is a human." (62:32)

• On Gender Differences:

  "Women are highly logical creatures who often exist in an emotional manner. Men are vastly emotional creatures who exist in a logical manner." (41:15)

Timestamps for Major Sections

• Traver's journey, TEDx, men’s emotional struggles: 02:00–06:30
• Redefining masculinity, societal resistance: 06:30–10:30
• Safety and emotional labor in relationships: 13:50–21:00
• Date story – redefining presence and safety: 18:16–21:48
• Tips for men to foster safety: 23:06–28:00
• Therapy for men, accountability: 30:25–34:31
• Understanding one another – “man is a Honda, woman a Ferrari” analogy: 39:40–41:00
• Divorce, gender differences, relationship challenges: 42:00–52:16
• Communication about sex/AI & porn culture: 52:25–61:15
• Hormones, menopause, and humanizing partners: 61:15–67:19

Resources and Plugs

• Traver Boehm’s Work:
  Website: manuncivilized.com
  Instagram: @traverboehm
  Book: 28 Days in Darkness (upcoming)

• Dr. Kelly Casperson’s Resources:
  Adult Sex Education Masterclass, Memberships, and more at kellycaspersonmd.com

This episode offers a raw and paradigm-shifting conversation for anyone seeking to understand how masculinity, safety, and growth can powerfully intersect in our lives and relationships. Both men and women will find valuable perspectives, practical takeaways, and inspiration to embrace deeper intimacy and authentic self-expression.