Myles’ Life Is About to Change Forever 🎙 #358

Summary

You Betcha Radio – Episode #358: “Myles’ Life Is About to Change Forever 🎙”

December 31, 2025

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Overview

In this comedy- and nostalgia-filled final episode of the year, Myles (“the You Betcha Guy”) and the crew—Ryan, Tyler, and Jerrod—gather to reflect on the most “Midwest” of topics: New Year's resolutions, home upgrades, Midwest life changes, and how getting older makes you appreciate new beds more than new video games.

The gang debates the intricacies of sticking to (or extending) resolutions, discusses Myles’ pending life upgrade with a fancy new mattress (and how it compares to past mattress mistakes), shares some quirky Midwest neighborly stories, gets way too passionate about bedding, and closes with an extended improv scenario about planning the New Year’s Eve Ball Drop. Along the way, they also sprinkle in “Would You Rather” questions and morbidly hilarious takes on millennial gravestones and death rituals.

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Key Discussion Points

1. New Year's Resolutions and the Rubik’s Cube Saga

[00:22–07:13]

• Myles’ 2025 resolution: Solve a Rubik’s Cube without learning the algorithm from YouTube.
• Progress: “I got the first layer done. I can do that lickety split.”
  – Myles, [06:25]
• Debate over extension: The group haggles over possible deadline extensions ranging from Myles’ requested 60 days down to the group’s 10–20 day offer.
• Midwestern negotiation: They compare Myles’ quest to inventing the atomic bomb (“Did they invent it in one year?” [01:35]) and joke about how New Year's contracts require “grace” and flexibility.
• Final verdict: The group suspends the resolution until next week, when Myles promises to bring in his progress for inspection before getting an 18-day extension. If more is needed, further debate will ensue.

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2. Big Life Change: The Great Mattress Upgrade

[07:27–22:32]

• Lesson learned: “Do not fucking buy a bed in a box. They're great right away, and three years later you're just sleeping in a crater.”
  – Myles, [08:11]
• Midwest relatability: Stories about stretching the life of a mattress, sleeping in “V formations,” and using tricks like the “penny test.”
• Shopping experience:
  • Firmness is key (recommendation from a chiropractor).
  • Discovery of “zero gravity” adjustable beds (“So I press the zero gravity button and—holy—I'm sitting there like a NASA test pilot.” [13:19]).
  • Split King vs. King Mattress debate: “How much time do we spend in the middle of the bed? 30 seconds, a couple times a week, maybe.” [18:00]
  • Extras include vibration modes and 15-year warranties (“It's like a knee replacement for your bed.” [21:02])
• Realization:
  • “I only got three mattresses left in my life, including this one. 45 years of madness.”
    – Myles, [21:34]
• Generational purchase: Joke about putting adjustable mattresses in wills and planning for future widowhood.
• Sheets logistics: The perils of split mattresses and fitted sheets.
• Midwest giddiness: Myles is so excited for the delivery that it inspires neighborly good deeds (“I was feeling like Mother Teresa that day” [30:07]).

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3. Midwest Betting, Prize Picks & Lessons Learned

[14:33–17:12]

• Friendly ribbing and competition with daily fantasy sports picks.
• Myles starts “fading” Tyler and Ryan’s bets and turns a profit.
  • “It feels pretty good to not have a heart.”
    – Myles, [16:04]
• Emphasizes that betting with your head beats betting with your heart.

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4. The Importance of Bedding & “Getting Old”

[24:45–32:46]

• Tyler’s bougie $200 pillow Christmas gift leads to an “aging gracefully” bit. (“Three years ago, I'd have been stoked over a video game, and now I'm skipping out on family Christmas so I can go put my head on a pillow.” – Tyler, [29:00])
• The gang explores side-sleeping vs. back-sleeping wisdom, weird pillow designs, and couples’ “sex pillows.”
• Realization that as you age, priorities shift from parties to getting the best night’s sleep.

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5. Morbid Midwest: Millennial Tombstones & Death Rituals

[35:24–47:57]

• Millennial headstones: The group riffs about future gravestone inscriptions, predicting emojis, Instagram bios, and “kept it 100” laser carvings.
  • “Our Instagram bios are just today's headstone sayings, you know.”
    – Myles, [36:18]
• Burial logistics:
  • Societal problems of limited grave space lead to jokes about vertical burials, Tetris cemeteries, and cremation.
  • “I want to die the way I live: in zero G’s.”
    – Myles, [48:48]
• Wants for afterlife: Myles jokes about being launched into space, buried in a Comfort King mattress, or combined caskets for couples.
• Performative grief: Tyler shares personal feelings on visiting his mother’s grave, finding it more “performative” than meaningful.
  • “If I ever miss my mom, I don't feel like I should talk to a stone because she's not a stone.”
    – Tyler, [42:18]
• Consensus: Most want cremation “wherever’s cheapest,” and nobody wants to be a burden or have people visit their grave out of obligation.

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6. Would You Rather: Midwest Money Math

[48:48–53:07]:

• $500,000 up front vs. $1,000 per mile (under 12 min):
  • “You could quit and that's your job. Run five miles in the morning. It's a great day.” – Tyler, [50:01]
  • The group overwhelmingly picks the per-mile option, quickly calculating financial gains and referencing family members who would clean up with this deal.
• $50 per yawn vs. $0.01 per blink:
  • The math is clear: Blinking wins, as you make much more just by existing (“14,000 blinks a day—$140, easy”).
  • Myles: “Imagine how little I'm going to yawn in about two days. Never again.” [52:54]

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7. Improv: The New Year's Eve Ball Drop Midwest Takeover

[54:03–71:16]

• Premise: The crew imagines being put in charge of the Times Square NYE Ball Drop.
• Core values brainstormed: “Balls, happiness makes the world go around, pop, lock, and drop it, and make it so good that they can't leave to go to the bathroom” [56:11].
• Gag gifts galore: Plan to switch the “ball drop” to a mass “ball gag drop” for silence and unity (“We'll hand out ball gags to everyone in Times Square” – Myles, [59:27]).
• Dealing with New Year's Eve logistics: Debate solutions for people pooping in the square, suggest moving to Central Park, running diaper sponsorships (“They just been watching where they step” – Ryan, [62:11]).
• Host pitches: Bring It On cast, Michael Strahan as the omnipresent TV host.
• Champagne dunk tanks & “dunking” celebrities: Kevin Hart, LeBron James, and the business opportunity in “I dunked LeBron!” T-shirts.
• Sponsorship ideas: Depends, Planet Fitness (“They're only busy in January” – Tyler, [65:17]), Lunk Alarm, New Year’s Eve subscription boxes.
• The value of “dropping”: Nicki Minaj, Snoop Dogg, Martha Stewart (deep frying pans as a countdown), Tony Hawk (rooftop drop-in), and more.
• Dick Clark wisdom: Ongoing bit about getting pre-recorded messages from Dick Clark for moral guidance.
• The “next year” ethos: “It says right there under Dick's photo: Next year is always the best year.” – [75:54]

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8. Bonus: Midwest Hardware Store War Improv

[83:06–92:31]

• Role play: The guys imagine hiring Jerrod’s faux-marketing agency for a new hardware store founded by cousins.
• Duelling hardware store concept: A split emerges—Tyler starts a competing hardware/strip club after signing fake NDA paperwork as “bend over goddess nonetheless.”
• Typical Midwest family drama: Mock arguments about cousin status, grandfather’s legacy, and reliance on marketing agencies with names like “Jared’s Wild Ride Marketing.”
• Resolution: The original crew “trims the fat,” jokes about plain branding, and plans to “break ground.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|---------------------------------------------------| | 01:35 | Myles | “Inventing the atomic bomb and solving a Rubik’s Cube are very closely related.” | | 08:11 | Myles | “Do not fucking buy a bed in a box. They're great right away, three years later you’re sleeping in a crater.” | | 13:19 | Myles | “[Zero gravity mattress pitch]—I can't go back to sleeping flat.” | | 21:34 | Myles | “I only got three mattresses left in my life, including this one.” | | 29:00 | Tyler | “Three years ago, I'd have been stoked over a video game, now I'm skipping out on family Christmas so I can go put my head on a pillow.” | | 36:18 | Myles | “Our Instagram bios are just today's headstone sayings.” | | 48:48 | Myles | “I want to die the way I live: in zero G’s.” | | 50:01 | Tyler | “You could quit and that's your job. Run five miles in the morning—it’s a great day.” | | 59:27 | Myles | “We'll hand out ball gags to everyone in Times Square.” | | 62:11 | Ryan | “They just been watching where they step.” (on dealing with New York’s NYE mess) | | 75:54 | Myles | “It says right there underneath Dick's photo. Next year is always the best year.” |

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:22–07:13 Rubik’s Cube Resolution Debates
• 07:27–22:32 Myles Buys A Mattress, Discovers “Zero Gravity”
• 14:33–17:12 Betting Recap & Prize Picks Segment
• 24:45–32:46 Big Pillow Energy—The Importance of Sleep for Aging Midwesterners
• 35:24–47:57 Millennial Headstones, Death, and Cremation
• 48:48–53:07 “Would You Rather” Midwest Edition
• 54:03–71:16 NYE Ball Drop: Midwest-ification & Madness
• 83:06–92:31 Midwest Hardware Store Improv

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Tone & Style

The episode is loose, highly improvisational, and filled with authentic Midwest humor. The crew’s chemistry is strong, and listeners are treated to a mix of heartfelt stories (particularly around family and death), observational comedy, and rapid-fire riffs on modern life, aging, and nostalgia.

They aren’t afraid to get a bit weird or darkly funny, but always land in a place that feels familiar and relatable for “Midwest” types—and anyone who’s ever thought too hard about their mattress.

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Summary for New Listeners:
Even if you’ve never solved a Rubik’s Cube, bought a $3,000 mattress, or planned a New Year’s Eve ball drop, you’ll appreciate the authenticity and heart here. Myles and the gang prove that as life changes—from video games to vertical burials—Midwest values (and Midwest humor) always endure. And next year? “Next year is always the best year.”

Transcript

[A]

Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of you Bet Your radio podcast. Guys, it is the, It's New Year's Eve right now, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or when is this coming out?

[B]

30Th. 30th.

[A]

It's. It's between the 30th and 31st. So this is the last podcast of the year.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

I have.

[D]

Don't say it. That's it.

[C]

We'll save it for the end podcast.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That old joke. Let's just live in the now.

[C]

Sure.

[D]

I, I it.

[A]

Ryan. Let's stay locked in.

[B]

Ryan wants to end the podcast.

[A]

I got a whole host of stuff. We had a long weekend. Turns out when I have long weekends, I, I apparently just do a lot of. Yeah, you're forced to is what I figured out. So I, I did buy a Rubik's Cube.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

A couple weeks ago.

[D]

That's confirmed. Also. I've seen it. Also confirmed.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Double confirmed.

[A]

I, I have it. I, I'm, I'm working on it. It's tough.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Turns out it's quite a bit of a challenge. The Rubik's Cube is. But I am slowly figuring out. So I want to start the podcast off. Obviously, my New Year's resolution for this year was to do a Rix cube without learning the algorithm from a YouTube video.

[C]

Right.

[A]

I'd like to file an extension.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

On my, on just like a 60 day extension on my resolution.

[D]

60 days.

[C]

A long 60 days.

[A]

I want you guys to realize, like, inventing the atomic bomb and solving a Rubik's Cube are very closely related. And it's like, did they invent the atomic bomb in one year?

[C]

Thank God they didn't start inventing it a month before they needed to drop it.

[A]

Correct. And they've been filing extension after extension. I'm not asking for a year extension. I'm asking for 60 days. I'm asking for two months.

[D]

I think we, I think we just, we take it to a poll.

[C]

I think so.

[D]

To a Spotify episode poll.

[C]

We'll let the listeners decide.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I know that's gonna go. This is a decision that stays in the room. Now, what do we care more about? Do we care more about the, the rules of the New Year's resolution thing, or do we care more about me accomplishing something that I work hard on?

[D]

Here's what I think we should do.

[A]

You're.

[D]

You're asking for a 60 day extension? I think, I think if we give you the 60 day extension, you're gonna then start. You'll put it down for 56 days. Okay, well, another one.

[A]

What. What do you want then? I.

[D]

So I don't think filing multiple extensions is out of the book. So I think we give you. I think we start with a 10 day extension. If you need to extend off of that, we do it again.

[C]

I feel better with that. I feel better. I like that.

[D]

Because then it just creates a little bit of urgency instead of, you know, at the end of the two months, then know.

[A]

Give me, give me 20 days. I mean, I, I went down. I'm. I'm doing 33% less than what I initially came in with.

[D]

How about we give you two and a half weeks? So we'll give you like se. We'll give like 17 days.

[B]

17 days.

[D]

I'll meet you in the middle 18.

[B]

And you can't extend again. You can only.

[A]

No, no, no, that's not real. If there's. What if there's an act of God?

[C]

How about we give it. We'll give.

[A]

There's an act of God.

[C]

We'll give you a 20. 20 days if you agree to no more extensions.

[A]

Yeah, I, I'll go 18 with future extensions. It's my final offer.

[B]

25 days.

[C]

I think we just have to deny the extension altogether.

[D]

We can go 16 days with one extension if needed.

[A]

Oh, that. I'm going to hold out on this pod if I don't get an extension. I'm not doing the podcast.

[D]

No, we can go 16 days with one. With one guaranteed extension. 16 plus one.

[A]

If, if you guys don't grab me an extension, I'm going to leave, go home, and I have to solve the Rubik's Cube, then I can't do anything else. So what do you guys.

[C]

I just, I want you to think, what would the roles be like if it was Ryan and this Rubik's Cube?

[A]

I'd be, I'd be forgiving.

[B]

You got a buddy.

[A]

I mean, honestly, in that scenario, it would have been my fault for not reminding him throughout the year that he needs to solve the Rubik's Cube.

[C]

Remind.

[A]

No, no, no. When I'd like to pull tape multiple times.

[C]

Multiple times.

[B]

The patrons are on it right now.

[A]

I don't, I just don't think. I mean, where are we at in this country is just. They don't allow grace anymore. You know, the IRS allows you to extend for six months and I'm asking for a measly 18 days with a future potential extension.

[D]

How about. Okay, what do you guys think of these terms? 20 days with a guaranteed 10 day extension if needed.

[C]

So it's just 30 days?

[D]

Pretty much, yeah.

[A]

18 days. Potential future.

[D]

How long is the extension? Another 18 days.

[A]

That's if we need it. That's just like a future thing and also something to think about. Like where, where are we at? Like, if we continue, if we become a podcast where we say we're going to do something and then don't do it, we lose all credibility with the listeners. You know, this is actually more about the longevity of this podcast. They're gonna start tuning out if we start saying we're gonna do something and then we don't do it.

[C]

I mean, regardless of the extension, we still, we don't meet the initial statement.

[A]

I know, but, but an extension is, is part of the contract. And when you sign up for a New Year's resolution, it's a contract.

[B]

That grandfather did.

[A]

I mean, I, I guess I just didn't realize that it was going to be this like pulling teeth. Never had a tooth pulled because I have really nice, good teeth.

[D]

I've had a lot of them pulled.

[A]

And it's pretty, pretty. It's a lot. It's painful.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Now you know how what I'm going through right now. 18 days put future potential extension.

[B]

What about any extensions? Half the amount of time? So it'd be first extension is nine days.

[A]

And then like, if you're going to do that, then I got to go 60. I got to go back up to 60. All right, 18 days. January 18th. Rubik's Cube solved. No problem.

[B]

Day of the week is out.

[A]

I. So does it help if I, if I give you an update of where I'm at? So I got the first layer done. I can do that lickety split.

[D]

It would be great if you, if you were to bring it in. We would like it, we would like a visual.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And the listeners would love a visual too, just to see what kind of progress.

[C]

Yeah, like, like you're giving out a loan. AKA our extension here. We want proof of income. We want to see the progress being made.

[A]

So here's what we'll do. We'll. We'll put a suspension on it until next week. I'll bring it in.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I'll show you the progress. And then based off the progress, you guys will grant me an extension of 18 days with an option to extend further?

[C]

Yes. Yep.

[A]

Are we cool with that?

[C]

I think, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Anyone have a gavel nut button?

[D]

Yeah. Yeah, the PA throws that.

[A]

So right now it's suspended.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Awaiting extension. Now there is A scenario where I just solve this before the clock hits midnight.

[C]

That would be ideal.

[A]

It's because we're recording this on the 29th.

[C]

Yeah. Do you have any New Year's Eve plans?

[A]

I do.

[C]

Is it the Rubik's Cube in a.

[A]

Chair I actually got. That's the next thing I want to talk about here is I got huge New Year's Eve.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I this weekend bought a new bed.

[C]

Okay. Nice. You break it in on New Year's Eve is what you're saying.

[A]

No. So it gets delivered on New Year's Eve, 3:30pm and it couldn't, couldn't be a worse day.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because then I have New Year's Eve plans the whole time. The one. The one night a year you're not supposed to be wanting to be at home. I'm just going to be thinking about the bed.

[C]

Are you going to get it set up though, before you go to your plans?

[A]

Well, okay, so hold on.

[C]

There'd be nothing better than waking up in a new bed on a new year.

[A]

So I woke up one day and I. So we got a bed in a box initially, right? Anyone listening? Do not fucking buy a bed in a box. They're great right away. You're like, fuck, this is cheap. It feels great when I lay on it. Three years later, you're just sleeping in a crater. Feel like I'm sleeping on the moon. A crater on the moon.

[D]

Good analogy. It's not fun.

[A]

It doesn't matter how much you rotate that sucker. You're just gonna end up in a pit. A pit of misery.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, it's dilly.

[A]

Dilly.

[D]

Boxes and beds are like tires. You just. You gotta. You rotate them and then eventually gotta get new ones.

[A]

Correct. And so I stretched it a whole nother year after the initial pitting.

[D]

Yeah. That sucker's boss.

[A]

It was pitted out.

[B]

Use the petty trick on the bed.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Honestly, I like the seams of the design.

[A]

Mine's now at silver dollar stage. It' even penny wouldn't do.

[D]

Yeah, it's. It's like.

[A]

It would be like. It'd be like a penny would disappear like a black hole in that thing.

[D]

They do like the ch. The child trick where they just like sit their child in the middle of the bed and then they take 10 steps back and if you can't see your child, then you. Time to get a new bed.

[A]

It's kind of how it is, dude. I mean, it's to the point where I'm like having to sleep in like a V formation.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. So my body's like now around the pit. Sure. And I just can't get comfortable.

[D]

You're conforming to the bed.

[A]

And then I wake up. I wake up and my whole ass is in the pit. And my back is all cranked like that. And I'm just like, this is a nightmare.

[D]

Yeah. Eventually it'll be one of them deals at the mall where you like, you drop the, you drop the coin down like the little ramp and then.

[A]

That'S how it is.

[C]

It's not.

[A]

It's already like that.

[D]

Yeah. You ever need. Yeah.

[A]

So I said, you know what? And little Christmas gift to me and her. Let's go buy a bed and let's do it the right way. So we went to a local mattress store, Comfort King.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

And I tell you what. Aptly named, correctly named Zap Lee. Even the right word for that.

[D]

Aptly, applicably named.

[A]

Yeah, it's. It applies. They are the Comfort King at Comfort King. And so I walk in, I'm like, let's just talk to my sister in law who's a chiropractor. And she's like, you just want to get as firm as you can stand. That's going to be best for you and your back. Long firm. Any sort of non.

[B]

There.

[A]

Wait, what is that?

[D]

Long term? Is it a long term?

[A]

I didn't mean to do that.

[B]

It's ready to slip.

[A]

Any sort of softness you're screwing yourself. Long, long, firm.

[D]

Sure. And where the red firm girl.

[A]

And so I'm like, all right, I'm just going in. I'm gonna pick. I'm gonna get. I'm gonna get the best bed they have. That's the firmest that they got for sure. And I walk in there and they have this setup where like, is it. They do a great job. They like, they clearly like just took like animal piss and just threw it on this like bed that was someone else's. You know, it's basically like, is your bed like this? And they have like a dummy that's in like a hole, like, you know, sitting on the bed, and he looks like this and it's whatever. And I was like, that's my life right there. I mean, less, less animal pistains on it. That's me, but that's me right there.

[D]

Which is my pistons.

[A]

And so he like, he's like, all right, so we can start over here. And he starts on the, that the. The side of the store with less fancy signage.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And it took me five seconds to lay on that Bed. And I said, I want to see your top of the line mattress. I know that this isn't it. I want. I want to go inside the store. The fancy stuff with the gel tops.

[D]

Yeah, purple.

[A]

Take me there. And I said, I want the firmest thing you got. And I laid down on it. And he was like, oh, well, are you thinking about, like, adjustable? And I told Anne beforehand, I was like, we don't need to adjustable. Like, let's just get the fur matches, get in, get out.

[D]

Until.

[A]

Until I laid on that firm ass master. And he handed me the rem. And there's a button on it says zero gravity. And I press the zero gravity button and. And I'm sitting like this, you know, like the zero gravity. Like lawn chairs. Sure. And I'm laying there and I'm like.

[D]

No way.

[A]

Holy.

[D]

Really?

[A]

And I'm sitting there, and Anne can see in real time my mind completely changing. So then I start grilling this guy. I'm like, so? So I'm like, time out. People just sleep in zero gravity. And he's like, yeah, I do. Every single night. I'm like, what do you mean, okay? He's like, because I. Because I was kind of the same way. And then. So then we text my sister in law. We're like, what's. So why are you holding out zero gravity on us? She's like, well, yeah, zero gravity is ideal.

[D]

Really?

[A]

And I'm like, let's go. But then I'm like, doing the math. I'm like, so I'm just gonna have to sleep on my back like a. Like a serial killer. Yeah, because once you're in the this mode, you know, it's weird to be like you're back in the same boat you were before, so you got to be a back sleeper. And then, you know, there's a mode where you can sit it all the way up, you can watch TV and all that other. And I'm like, this is. I'm. I. So then it was like, all right. And then I pressed the button to go back to flat. And as I'm here and it's slowly going back, I can just feel my back cranking until I'm all the way flat. And I'm like, I don't know how I sleep flat anymore. Oh, wow. It took me a total of 30 seconds to be like, I can't go back to sleeping flat.

[D]

And once you go back, you never go back.

[A]

And I realize this is like, you know, this is like a very fancy take by me, but we did this on Saturday. It's now Monday. Bed gets lifted. These have been the worst nights of sleep I've ever had.

[C]

He's just thinking about it. You up.

[A]

Time to do prize picks. And right now, prize picks will give you fifty dollars in lineups. When you play your first five dollar lineup, win or lose, you're getting fifty bucks in lineups. Use promo code YBR when you sign up today, your boy is on the. Is on the. The fade journey of his life.

[C]

Faded fade clan.

[A]

Tyler sent us a lineup and I took one look at that lineup. He had Max BROSMER More than 182 and a half pass yards. And I said, what are we doing here? And so I toggled that baby to less than. Tyler share with the folks how many pass yards he had?

[C]

Like 40.

[A]

51.

[C]

Yeah, it wasn't good.

[A]

So I. And we had Guy not play. So I went five for five. Won 220 bucks.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

And then Ryan sent one, had Brady Cook going for more than 175 and a half. I said, and I won 40 bucks off of that one.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

So I'm feeling pretty good. 260 bucks off of fading. You guys feels pretty nice.

[C]

I didn't. I. I built that lineup and I originally had Brosmer less than. And then I was like, we did that in the YBR lineup. I can't root against my team. I got it.

[A]

And I knew that. That's your exact thought. I actually looked at it go. Tyler just. He's betting with his heart.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I was 100 and so it feels pretty good to not have a heart.

[C]

Yeah. But I did flex it, so I still got like 40 bucks out of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So better than nothing.

[A]

20.

[C]

No, it's not. It's significantly less.

[A]

So. Yeah. What do you got for picks this week?

[B]

I got Quinn ewers more than 188 and a half passing yards.

[C]

Tyler Miles faded that.

[A]

No, I didn't.

[D]

No, I didn't.

[A]

I got eyeballs test. I'm. I'm with you. You look good.

[C]

I got Shadir more than 187 and a half.

[A]

I have Derrick Henry more than 92 and a half.

[D]

I got Baker Mayfield less than 222 and a half.

[A]

I. I almost faded.

[C]

I. I'm almost fading. That too.

[A]

I. I didn't want to. I don't want to. I just said I don't want to press my fade luck here. You got to pick and choose my moments. I did get burned by Baker Mayfield earlier in the season.

[C]

I just one of My personal life mottos is to not bet against Baker.

[A]

But you just did.

[C]

I know, And I'm breaking it. And I hope that the curse is over.

[D]

Yeah, you guys go ahead and change it.

[C]

I can't.

[A]

No.

[C]

I submitted my lineup, and I didn't.

[D]

Pick that with my heart. I picked it with my gut. Okay, what you looking at my gut for.

[A]

Anyways? So ride with us. Fade us. Probably should fade us. Being smart is what I think this last week told us.

[C]

We're gonna win one, guys.

[A]

So use code ybr last time of the year. So. So then, right. So then it's like, all right, let's try zero gravity. And then I'm looking at Anne, and I'm like, ann ain't gonna fly with sleeping in zero gravity every single night. So not gonna go for that. So then. So I'm like. So he's like, well, if you guys, you know, want to have your own settings and stuff like that, like, you should get a split King.

[D]

Okay, that's nice. Yeah.

[A]

And I'm like, oh, God. I was like, well, how much? He's like, that's an extra however much to split the king. Whatever. And then this couple comes in as I'm. I'm laying on the. On the split king, testing it out, you know, seeing same but is different, you know? And this couple comes in, and they're like, we want the split mattress king adjustable. And I'm like. And I actually looked at my go. Excuse me. Sorry. I'm trying to decide if I'm gonna do the split king or the regular king. Why are you guys going with the split king? And they just looked at me kind of like. Like, why wouldn't you? That is so. That is such a dumb question. And they also said my. Our friends were in here earlier, and they convinced us to come in here. So, like. So then I'm like, all right, it. And then Anna and I are like, all right, all right, let's do the math. How much time are we spending in the middle of the bed? You know, about 30 seconds. A couple times a week, maybe. You know? And then, of course, my kid gets on there, and he starts messing with the remote, and he finds the. The vibrate button.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

So the bed vibrates, too. And he's like, hell, yeah. I'm like, holy.

[C]

So, possibilities.

[A]

I went in thinking, I'm gonna buy a king mattress, A firm king mattress, top of line. And I left with an adjustable. Two adjustable twin XL beds that vibrate.

[D]

The split King vibration. Zero gravity.

[A]

Yeah. And I just I cannot wait. I was. I was actually weirdly giddy the whole rest of the day. And I was like. And this is like the. Because you guys have to come over and try it. We will.

[D]

Yeah. No, for sure.

[A]

And so here's the other thing. I'm like, this is another bill is just racking up. I mean, the adjustable is almost. Almost the price of the mattress.

[D]

Yeah. Try to upsell you with a mattress.

[A]

So I did get two mattresses for the price of one.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

One, you know, 1.3 mattresses anyways. And I'm doing the math. So my bed in a box, which costs less, obviously, than this mattress, it lasted three years before I should have got to do. When I stretched it to four. So let's say three years of the lifetime on that. Well, then they get me with. They're like this. The warranty on this bed is 15 years. So anytime between now and the next 15 years, if it's. If you notice any sort of, like, dip or a certain percentage of, you know, dippage, we'll come and fix it for free. And then you just, like, back new.

[C]

Which is like, mattress mechanics.

[D]

What do you mean?

[A]

Yeah, because I think they, like, make it so you can zipper off the top, and then they can go in and replace, fluff it up. It's like. It's like a knee replacement for your bed.

[D]

It's kind of like lifting concrete up with foam or whatever.

[A]

So, like, they're guaranteeing it for 15 years, if that means I would have to go through five beds in a boxes. And I'm spending way more money on those five mattresses than, you know, by cheaping out and buying the cheaper mattress. I now buy one mattress, and I get it for 15 years. So I'm doing the math. I'm like, I only got. If I go this route every time. I only got three mattresses left in my life, including this one. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

45 years of madness. I got three mattresses left.

[C]

I mean, you can call in your Warranty at year 14, and for sure, that's what I'm.

[D]

That's what I'm doing.

[C]

Up for another 15 years.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[C]

So you have this one for 30 years.

[A]

So basically, at that point, it almost becomes a free mattress.

[C]

You're right.

[D]

This is. This is generational. This is a generational purchase.

[A]

Well, that's the thing is, you know, maybe my kids don't want the mattress, but they're going to definitely want the adjustable base for sure. Once I Get once I go. And plus once. It's also smart. I'm probably gonna die before Anne.

[B]

No.

[A]

So it was smart to do the Split King. So she can sell that. My mattress.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean. She only needs a twin xl. She's. She better not get remarried.

[C]

Are you a haunter?

[A]

I actually, I'm gonna put in my will that if she does get remarried, she has to at least buy a new mattress. It has to be from Comfort King.

[D]

Okay, sure. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So do you guys.

[C]

You had to put like separate sheets on these.

[A]

Yeah. So you got it. Basically we just. You just buy. It's just a twin XL mattress.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So we bought two. We. And doesn't let us have a top sheet. So you just gotta buy two twin XL fitted sheets and then a comforter. Whatever.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And what a day it was.

[D]

So. So like one of you could make your bed one day and the other one wouldn't have to. So you could have like a half made bed.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, we're. We're one step away from each getting our own comforter too.

[D]

Okay. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Comforters all. Okay, I got it.

[C]

Yeah, we already do that. Two comforters. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, we're this close. But I mean, like, you guys think that I can get locked in now. What happens when I finally get a perfect night? I sleep.

[C]

You can eat. Cancel your New Year's plans, dude.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. So it's. I might have to dip out of work early on. On it's New Year's Eve, so I don't think we're going to work the whole day anyways. But I kind of want to be there for when it shows up, for when it shows.

[C]

She's like a kid waiting at the door. Ma's just peeking through the.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

So then I also paid the extra money to have them bring it to my house, install it, and take the old mattress away. Of course.

[D]

I mean, you're already. The bill's already what it is, so.

[C]

Why not just only charge like 100 bucks for that?

[B]

So worth it.

[A]

You know, if it would have just been the mattress, I think I would have done it myself. But with the adjustable. I'm like, you guys can do that.

[D]

We're talking the SpaceX of mattresses, though.

[A]

Yeah. So I. And at Comfort King, my brother got a mattress there and their kids and their. They were. I saw them, whatever. And they had like these little like, like stuffed animal style mattress, their logo on it. And Anne was like, oh, that's cool. They gave your kids that for free. When you buy a mattress and we're going through it, and before the guy's even done with his pitch, Anne's like, so I have to ask, do you have any of those, Those stuffed mattresses for our kid? The guy was like, yeah, I was getting there. But yeah, here you go. That's the only thing Anne could think about. I'm like, how can you even be thinking about that after laying on that mattress? Yeah.

[D]

You should have zero grab on your mind.

[C]

Yeah, I, I get it on a much, much smaller scale. For Christmas this year, my wife bought me a bougie ass pillow. Like a 200 pillow.

[A]

It's not even in the same Stratosphere.

[C]

And I don't. No, I just, I. I can't imagine the mattress because I. We finish opening presents, we eat Christmas morning breakfast. I'm like, I gotta go take a nap. I gotta get my head on this pillow.

[D]

So what, like, what's a 200 pillow look like?

[A]

It's $200.

[C]

Something like that. Yeah. I looked at. She didn't tell me. I looked up the brand afterwards and they're there spending pillows. But it's like she got me the side sleeper one for my. I told you guys, I got the neck issues. It causes the headaches, yada, yada, yada. And it's kind of like a horseshoe type of thing. It looks like a regular pillow, but there's a half moon cut out of the bottom middle.

[D]

Can we look it up so we can get audio?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Of it.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Pillow 200. You might have to look at a zero gravity bed to fix that. Neck, ears.

[C]

Yeah, but then I couldn't.

[A]

I think you're just putting. Yeah, but, but we're not supposed to side sleep. I found out.

[D]

Yeah. Back sleeping is the best for you.

[A]

Correct.

[C]

Look up Coop.

[A]

How do you spell that's? I want the listeners to know that we said look up the pillow. And Jared just Google searched pillow.

[B]

Nobody was saying anything.

[D]

No, Jared. Yeah, Jared, you're good. My guy. Okay, which one?

[C]

Yeah, it looks kind of like the top one.

[A]

Oh, right there in the middle. 119 bucks.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, that guy.

[A]

Up top.

[C]

Up.

[A]

Right, right. It's right there. Right, right, right, right there, Right there.

[C]

Not that one.

[A]

That's the one you clicked on. Oh, you can choose the different thing there.

[D]

See the.

[A]

Yep, yep, yep.

[C]

Essentially, it looks like that. Yep. And then I got. She got me. Like there's extra filling.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Special filling that you put in there. And you get to choose based off of whatever. I'm supposed to measure the distance from my shoulder to my ear and all that noise. And it's.

[A]

And I know this seems boring, but this is maybe the most important thing. This is the most important thing in our life.

[C]

Oh, totally. Dude.

[A]

What the. What the is that? That's the one.

[C]

I got her the couple's pillow.

[D]

27 degree position memory foam wedge for neck and back support. She is currently in what looks like doggy.

[A]

But when it says couples pillow, that just means that's a sex pillow. Right?

[C]

For sure.

[A]

Holy. That you pair that. You put that in zero GS. Yeah.

[D]

You might not wake up.

[A]

That is the difference.

[D]

Because you're dead. Because you're sleeping really good also.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like she's gonna need a pillow for this couple's activities we're doing. Because I. It just. I just last so long. She's gonna need that support.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. And then it says, the perfect choice for sleep. But then underneath it says, take your love one step deeper.

[A]

So is it for love or is it crazy?

[C]

Both.

[D]

And it's on sale too, actually.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Because of the blindfold.

[D]

Sleep mask with a red bow on it. This is called the Frugal Fr.

[A]

And if you order now, you'll. You'll receive a free gift of a ball gag. Yeah. Holy. I didn't know that these existed. Yeah. All right. Rock, paper, scissors. Who's got to be the guinea pig for this?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot.

[C]

Miles is a guinea pig. No, I won you Rodman. Out.

[A]

Oh, now you guys go.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Also, Jared didn't go.

[B]

Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening.

[D]

Hang on, hang on. I. I was so. Okay. Okay, ready? Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot, paper.

[C]

Ryan. All right.

[A]

Yeah. Ryan, you gotta buy it.

[C]

You gotta buy it.

[A]

84 bucks.

[C]

I don't think you're that upset about it, to be honest.

[D]

Well, Jared missed the first round, so I think.

[A]

Anyways.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So.

[C]

Yeah, fine, I'll buy it.

[A]

I mean, like, this is the definition of, like, how life changes from being.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

From being 29 years old to 32 years.

[C]

Three years ago, I'd have been stoked over a video game, and now I'm fucking skipping out on family Christmas so I can go put my head on a pillow.

[A]

Yeah. So it's going to be a weird New Year's Eve for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's also kind of nice because, like, sometimes New Year's Eve, you're like, oh, I'm having a lot of fun. I don't want to go home now. I'm be like, I had my fun. Now it's time to go get into that. Into my NASA bed. Yeah.

[D]

Can you imagine the first night you're trying to sleep and your. Your kid just. He just. He's so restless. Won't go to sleep.

[A]

I just can't. Yeah, I. I don't get to spend any time.

[D]

You gotta get a babysitter for that first.

[A]

That is actually. Yeah, let's get a night nurse. Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna actually text and say, hey, what are the chances we can get an overnight babysitter for the. For the 31st? She's like, we're not even gonna be out that late. And he's like, it's not for that.

[D]

Yeah, it's for it.

[A]

So we get uninterrupted zero G time.

[B]

I feel like that's a Super bowl for babysitters that night.

[C]

Oh, it's gotta be.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Yeah. Because they're at least being out till midnight, right? Yeah. So, yeah.

[C]

I'm excited for you.

[A]

I felt so good. I was driving home. We're driving home and neighbors were clearly gone for the holidays. And it was garbage day day before. I said, anne, why don't you pop out of the car and run that garbage can up to their garage door for them?

[D]

That's. That's. That's some neighborly love. Yeah, you might need to let them.

[A]

And I probably would have done that normally, but I was feeling like Mother Teresa that day. I was like, hey, let's go. Let's bake some goods. Let's bring it to the neighbor.

[D]

It's a season of giving.

[C]

He gets 30 seconds of zero G.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You should put that in the neighborhood Facebook group. What the zero g bad?

[A]

Just.

[D]

Just put the word out.

[C]

Yeah, why not?

[A]

I mean, this is a. I mean, objectively, this is a bigger platform than the neighborhood Facebook group.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, that's.

[A]

You want boots on the ground?

[D]

Well, I'm just saying you can reach them directly.

[A]

So now I'm just a door to door salesman for Comfort King, selling zero.

[C]

G beds without commission. He's just doing it for the love of the game.

[D]

You just do it. Yeah.

[A]

And obviously I will need to report back after about 30 days. You say it takes about 30 days for your body adjusts in your mattress checks. I'll report back in 30 days. But this is like after spending a minute and a half on that bed, it's like, couldn't. Couldn't recommend Higher. Investing in a real bed. You know, my brother always says, you want to invest in things that go between you and the ground. Sure. That's cute. I didn't feel like investing in a bed until I felt the zero gravity. You know what I mean?

[D]

Yeah. I. I've laughed at the image of you just, like, accidentally, like, rolling over onto your stomach. You wake up and you just can't move.

[A]

Scorpion. Scorpion. No, it's just. It's just not gonna happen.

[C]

It's just.

[A]

That's just not gonna happen.

[C]

He's having a bad dream and he wakes up inverted.

[A]

And I don't know if you guys met me before, but even if I can't stand la, like, laying on my back all night, I'm gonna gut it out till I'm used to it.

[D]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

[A]

So then I. So then the. So I'm like. I'm already, like, convinced that this is, like. I imagine this is how Jesus disciples felt when they met Jesus, Right? Like, I'm fully converted. I'm gonna give up everything. I'm gonna follow this guy the rest of my life. I'm now following zero gravity the rest of my life. And I'm starting to do the math. I'm like, well, you know, we have a lake cabin. Like, am I gonna have to now? Oh, that's right. I was gonna say, what the look on Ann's face, like, oh, yeah, because we're already spending a arm and a leg on this mattress. I'm like, hey, let's try it out. But probably in May, we'll be back.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Long, firm, it'll be good.

[A]

What's up?

[D]

Long, firm, it'll be good.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Long, firm, it's good. Move.

[C]

What are you gonna do when you travel?

[A]

Well, that's. So I asked the guy. So. So the guy selling it, which also, they're not commission based. And I can feel that. I was like, it's great. So the guy. The guy is selling this to me, is actually making the mattresses in the back when. Well, he's trying to sell me this.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So he's doing, like, the. Hey, you guys talk about it. I'm go. Got to go back to making this mattress. And I know this because they have the big zoo windows there. Yeah. See, it's like.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I was like, all right, so what do you got? And he's like, I got this set up. You know, I got the zero gravity. I'm like, so what? I was like, what do you do when, like, you go stay in A hotel. He's like, yeah, it obviously sucks, but, you know, it's just, like, something you got to deal with. So I'm just, like, gonna be dreading sleeping in a hotel.

[C]

Yeah. You're just not ever gonna want to leave again.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe it's a bad thing.

[A]

Yeah, no, no, it's too good. Don't yuck my yum here. Yeah, I'm. I'm very excited.

[B]

Get your bed. FedEx. Wherever you go.

[A]

It's like, brings his own toilet everywhere or whatever. North Korean dictator. Yeah, that'll be me with my bed.

[D]

You just find an airbnb in that area, too. I'm sure someone out there is. BNB in a crg.

[C]

Yeah. Is there a filter when you search on airbnb for zero G beds?

[A]

Yeah. I just know that Ann's just not gonna be grateful for the zero gravity. She's gonna sleep flat like a crazy person.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It takes 30 days to get adjusted.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Just start adjusting it for her while she's asleep.

[A]

That is actually a conditioner. That is actually pretty funny bit, just like, because you can sit pretty much like a chair all the way up. It'll go all the way up.

[D]

Do that kind of nice for your kid, too, because, I mean, you get like a. You get like a slab of cardboard or something. Throw at the top. He can just slide.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And jump at the end of the legs up.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

So, yeah, that's. That was my weekend. That's what's currently buzzing in my world.

[D]

It's exciting. Yeah.

[A]

It's gonna be a good week.

[D]

You got me.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You got me thinking. Definitely got me. You got the wheels turning in my head again.

[A]

Wait for my report.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But it's the right move. Well, should we take break? Yeah. Jared, you said you have something to share with the group?

[B]

Yeah. I drove by a cemetery the other day, and I was thinking, like, all the old gravestones of, like, grandpas and stuff, it's like, good man, better husband, whatever. It's like five words or whatever. I was thinking that, like, when our generation dies millennials, it's all gonna be, like, cutesy, quirky, like, things written on our tombstones.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

It'd be like the. Like, it'll be like the name. The name naming your kids in the last 10.

[A]

Exactly.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's going to be like.

[A]

Like a.

[B]

Just a skull emoji or something.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Or like. Like, he, like, wanderlusted my whole life, like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just as hashtag wanderlust.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Kept it 100. And it's just the. Just the red 100 with the three dashes underneath.

[D]

Yeah. And then like, like every place they've like just been to. With a plane in between. And then the last one.

[B]

It's just an Instagram bio.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Ye. Our Instagram bios just are. Is just today's headstone saying, you know.

[C]

What, that's a good way to think about when you're building your Instagram bios. Like, would you want this to be on your headstone? And if you say no, don't make it your bio.

[A]

Right. Well, actually, yeah. I mean, I don't know if I want to put what I would put on my headstone in my Instagram bio either, though. You know, like small, small, big heart. It's not clear eyes. Can't lose.

[C]

You would go.

[D]

Can't die.

[C]

Small chicken emoji. Big heart emoji.

[A]

Yeah, you're right.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

Yeah. I mean people. The people engraving those headstones are going to be in for something here in the next like 40.

[A]

They're up to years.

[B]

Learn how to carve emojis.

[C]

Yeah, you can do that CNC machine or whatever they're using.

[B]

It's true. Laser.

[A]

Have you guys ever have the thought about cemeteries that like, if our society lives long enough, like there won't be enough earth left.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[A]

For us to bury people. So we're just going to have to start like reusing graves.

[C]

There's places that are now already like you built. You. You bury verdict. Like you first family member, you dig really far down and you just, you stack them on top of each other.

[A]

But even that, like, let's say we did figure out how to exist forever a society, we're gonna. We're just gonna have where's cremation is gonna be the only way to do it at one point. I mean, bear people vertically.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like feet down. Like in Star wars when he's like encased in the carbonite like Austin Powers.

[D]

When he's frozen in the deal. Yeah, I mean, we're talking square. Square footage matters here.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah. I guess the only ways to go down. So there's.

[C]

There's a mortician on Tick Tock who all he does is answers questions from his TikTok audience. And somebody asked, why don't we bury people vertically? And they said it's basically because if they ever need to exhume the body, all the fluids will have drained and it gets really gross.

[B]

We don't. That's fine.

[C]

But like, who cares?

[B]

Yeah, they're Done.

[D]

Well, maybe they could just like ax the option of, of open, like open caskets, like not getting cremated. So maybe like you're. You're just forced to get cremated.

[A]

Yeah, I think I would like to be shot into space. I'd like my casket to be shot into space. That's actually maybe the coolest way.

[C]

Yeah, he's obsessed with zero gravity.

[A]

Dude, I want to die the way I live. And that's in zero G's.

[C]

Miles wants a zero G casket.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Then the, the cemetery becomes like playing Tetris around his. Around his tomb or whatever. Yeah, it's casket.

[A]

Yeah, I wouldn't. Yeah. Maybe Comfort King can make me a casket. Yeah, I'd like to be buried in a Comfort King, so I'd have to probably need like a doubly thick mattress or. Doubly thick casket.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Because. Because I'm on a twin xl. So just make the casket around the twin XL and me.

[C]

Yeah, well, you just cut the twin XL to fit the casket.

[B]

Yeah, it's good long.

[C]

You don't need the width.

[A]

Don't. With my mattress.

[C]

Well, no, you don't need it anymore. You're dead.

[D]

They're just gonna. They're just gonna recreate his Comfort King mattress as a casket.

[A]

And then.

[D]

So when Ann dies after Miles, then that's just where they'll.

[C]

That's just where hers will be flat and his will be zero.

[D]

Yeah. Then it's really Tetris.

[C]

That's a big casket bill. A custom casket bill.

[D]

Yeah, you. You can buy cemetery. A cemetery spot whenever, can't you?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I'll never say no to that.

[A]

Who?

[D]

Like who?

[A]

Wait, you want to buy this and not do anything with it for 30 years? Yeah.

[C]

Investment people were buying their headstones while they're still alive.

[A]

My grandma and grandpa have their links locked and loaded. Done. Only thing left is the final death.

[C]

Date and somebody shows up with a friggin chisel and just punches in 2026 or whatever. Yeah, I told my family to just do the cheapest option. I. I am no good to you dead. Just don't spend money on me dead. Spend it on me when I'm alive. You want to spend money?

[A]

Are you guys in on cremation or being buried? Which one you want?

[C]

Whatever's cheaper. I don't know what's cheaper.

[A]

Cremation is significant.

[D]

Well, your kids could cremate. They could do the cremation themselves.

[C]

Yeah, that one. I'm in on cremation then.

[B]

I've been buried just in Case I come back to life. Just in case. Probably not gonna happen.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, like, if they find a way to take your DNA and transfer your consciousness into a robot. You guys want to come back?

[C]

No.

[B]

Sure?

[D]

Nah, I'm good.

[A]

About all the stuff that's painful.

[C]

I mean, if I die when I'm, like, 40, then maybe. But if I get to be 75 plus, just let me be.

[D]

Yeah. I think I'm in a cremation, too, because then I can be. I can. I can be spread out in multiple spots at once.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

So I can be in fire. I like fire, too.

[C]

Yeah, you do.

[D]

I can be in, like, 10.

[A]

Yeah. They should put you in your burn barrel.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Stuff you in there.

[D]

Could put me in the bb.

[A]

Burn you with a couple of car batteries and tires.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

The way you'd want less real estate taken up, too. Just, you know, looking out for other people who need space.

[A]

I think more and more people are going the cremation route.

[C]

I think so.

[A]

Yeah. I also don't want people to go visit my grave after I die. Is that weird?

[C]

Maybe.

[A]

I feel like. I feel like people go visit graves really often. I feel like they're just. They have unresolved, like, stuff. They just need to just, you know, not have closure. Not enough closures work on getting the closure and then, you know, and have to go back, you know?

[C]

Yeah. I almost never visit my mother's grave. Maybe.

[A]

What's the reason for that, if you don't mind me asking? I just.

[C]

I don't feel really anything when I'm there. If I ever miss my mom. I don't feel like I should go talk to this stone because she's not a stone. Yeah. It's just, like. It feels empty to me.

[A]

Yes. She's a living memory in your head.

[C]

Yeah, it feels okay. The right word is performative. It feels more performative than anything to go to her grave and be sad in front of this rock.

[B]

I think you posted on social media.

[C]

Yep. Take a selfie with Ma.

[A]

It's also not very private. No, it's a bunch of other dead people. Yeah.

[C]

And her cemetery is right off the highway, so I got room sitting here.

[D]

Yeah. You don't even need a headstone, do you?

[C]

No. I mean, I would. The only way I would want a headstone is if they want to come visit. I don't give a. I'm dead.

[D]

Well, like, in your case, can you just get. Can they cremate you and either, like, put you above the fireplace or, like, spread you out somewhere yeah, that's gonna.

[C]

Be one request for me. I don't want my urn in the house. I think that's weird.

[D]

No, no. Yeah, yeah. It was more so a joke than anything.

[A]

But no, I do think that that's definitely. I think. I think if you get cremated, you should get your ass to get spread somewhere.

[C]

Yeah, I just don't want to be like.

[A]

It's also weird though, to be like, I am now. I'm now just this thing of ash. That's all I earn. But you are dust and onto dust you shall return. Yep. Lent's coming up, Jared. Remember that.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[D]

Yeah. Dust is gonna settle pretty soon.

[A]

But back to your original headstone. What would you want on your headstone, Jared?

[B]

Member of the clean plate club.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

Yeah, I think you should get. You and your wife should get matching headstones. That'd be the other thing, right? Be like, well, I'll be 75. We'll still be like posted on social media and be like going to pick out our matching headstones. His is the. And like, by then it won't just be like stone anymore. You'll be able to like do like ship. Lap styled.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Holograms.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

All sorts of crazy. But you and your wife, Jared and Ty, you should think about this too. And Ryan, you guys should do matching headstones where it's chiseled, you and your wife. And one of you is going like this and the other one is going like this.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

And then on both ears it's just go. Yours says. And then her says school on it.

[C]

Nice.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I said just think about it.

[C]

Yeah, I'm thinking about it now. Maybe, maybe rethinking my.

[A]

Yeah, yours just says, yeah. And then her says skull and she's going like this. Or you could be holding the drumstick.

[C]

Yeah, one's got the drumstick, the other one has the galler horn on it.

[D]

Yeah. I mean, you could just have the horns coming off of your gravestone.

[C]

Well, one out of each.

[A]

Correct.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I dig it.

[D]

What do you guys think about Christmas lights on your. On your headstone in the Christmas.

[C]

I don't even put those on my house.

[A]

What do you mean?

[D]

What do you mean, what do I mean?

[A]

Just like, someone's got to go put like, they gotta.

[D]

Like your kids are.

[A]

They gotta run power to your.

[D]

They got power out there. I'm sure there's a light. There's a light with a flag usually, isn't there?

[A]

Yeah. But then they gotta run it underground. All the way to your. I think.

[D]

I think it's just temporary.

[B]

So just.

[D]

You just run it on. On top.

[B]

I would like an inflatable of myself, like wearing a Santa hat or something.

[D]

Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah. Like inflatables in front of your gravestone.

[C]

It's me.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

That might be the one time I get behind the inflatable decorations.

[B]

It's me.

[C]

You don't tell, like, your aunt like that. We put that up and she just drives by and sees Jared's body flailing in the wind.

[A]

Yeah. It's like, not even a Santa blob. It's a car dealership.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Cemeteries are gonna get much Sillier, though. Like 40 years.

[D]

I think we need them to get sillier just so it's not.

[B]

It's gonna be. It's gonna be too silly and, like, cringe.

[A]

Performative, just like everything has in society.

[C]

There's gonna be like sections, but of the cemetery where you have to pay an upgrade to get into buried premium.

[A]

Well, I mean, that's just the mausoleum, right?

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

The concept of a mausoleum and being like, I'm so important that I need this giant thing after I die is crazy to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I've only ever seen one in my life, and it was for just a couple. They built a mausoleum in a regular graveyard with everybody else that just has stones and it's just giant moth.

[A]

I know. That's what I'm saying. I feel like that's crazy to be like, I deserve this.

[B]

That's why you don't have too much money.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[C]

I think I didn't want to leave it to your kids.

[A]

So you build yourself, like, unless you are the royal family, you know, you're not royalty.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But even then, just because you were born into a royal family doesn't make you. To make you.

[D]

I think when the tick tock generation starts passing away, they're gonna start doing tick tock haircuts onto the gray, onto the headstock.

[A]

I think what's gonna happen be a really fluffy front.

[D]

They're gonna get. Start getting silly with it.

[A]

It's gonna be very. The eulogy is gonna be live on TikTok live, and they'll be sending galaxies and roses to pay for the funeral.

[B]

Black roses.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Every galaxy we get, guys, we'll open.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Once we get to 4, 000 galaxies, we'll finally close the casket. So.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Once we hit, we're doing a giveaway. We're Doing a giveaway of this casket.

[B]

Give a wet willie.

[A]

It's like, you know, they'll do like.

[C]

All right.

[A]

If you send roses accounts for this and if you send galaxies accounts for this. And like galaxies are close the casket and roses are keep the casket open. Just keep going back and forth.

[D]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's like the battle or whatever the.

[B]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know, like for this heart, for this. That's what it's gonna be like.

[D]

They're gonna get silly.

[A]

It's gonna get silly.

[C]

Thousand galaxies. I'll work skibidi into my eulogy.

[A]

Oh, man. All right. Jared, you got some wood do Rathers for us.

[B]

I do. Would you rather have $500,000 right now or a thousand dollars every time you run one mile in less than 12 minutes for the rest of your life?

[D]

So 500 miles to break even with a thousand dollars? Yeah.

[B]

I'll just say it one more time. Would you rather have $500,000 right now or $1,000 every time you run one mile in less than 12 minutes for.

[A]

The rest of your life? I think I go run a mile same. And I'm notorious non runner guy. But that's because I'm not getting paid for it.

[D]

Yeah. It's almost like you're taking the 500k on them. Just like a payment plan. You're just taking monthly installments now if.

[A]

You take that 500k. So let's say you ran. I mean it's going to take you what, 360, it's like a year and a half ish. To get to 500k if you ran a mile every day. Under 12.

[C]

Yeah. Can I run three miles under 36 minutes and still get my. Get three grand? I think so. In a day?

[D]

Yeah. The average just got to be under 12.

[C]

Yeah. I'm for sure taking the thousand miles.

[D]

Me too.

[A]

So work every day.

[C]

Yeah. I. You could quit and that's your job. Run five miles in the morning. It's a great day.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

That is pretty true. You've become a professional runner at that point.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then you're. You're really healthy too.

[A]

You're really healthy and you have a zero gravity bed to recover it.

[D]

Yeah. You could pay for a zero g bed in I don't know, five, six, seven miles.

[C]

Three afternoons.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You just get after on that treadmill.

[D]

The turkey trot. You're getting, you know you're getting three grand for a turkey truck.

[A]

Oh yeah. And. And a 12 minute mile. Not that hard.

[C]

What did it run like a eight, seven, almost eight minute mile with no running for the last three years.

[D]

Correct.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. This is the easiest question.

[D]

You can speed walk now.

[A]

If you said, if you said $2 million, I think it's a lot different.

[D]

It is, I would agree.

[B]

In an 8 minute mile.

[A]

Oh yeah. Even 500k with 8 minute miles, definitely. I'm thinking something different, but once you.

[C]

Get over that initial hump, eight minute miles, nothing.

[A]

Cake easy.

[D]

Cakewalk?

[A]

Yeah. Better than six. Cake easy.

[C]

Yeah. Like my dad's girlfriend runs 18 miles a day and I bet you they're all under 12. 12 minutes.

[A]

It's 18 grand in one day.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's doing that for free.

[C]

She's just doing it.

[D]

Yeah. She's paying money, shoes, gear, time.

[C]

And if it's your job, you can write all that off, so.

[D]

For sure.

[A]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I think about taxes too. Guys, who's paying you?

[D]

Jared? Who? Like who? Right. Who signs the checks? You know the guy? I don't know, just the guys.

[C]

Fitness.

[D]

Probably Forrest Gump.

[B]

Yeah, probably.

[C]

He's got a shitload of money. Bubblegum shrimp, co Apple stock, that fruit company he likes.

[D]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Would you rather get $50 every time you yawn or $0.01 every time you blink?

[C]

$0.01 every time I blink. You're blinking all day long.

[A]

Yeah, like before bed. You can just.

[C]

Okay. Does it have to be a real yawn?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, then. Blinking for sure.

[A]

Blinking.

[B]

So I did some research. You blink roughly 14, 000 to 21, 000 times a day.

[A]

So it's 140 bucks a day.

[B]

Roughly 150. Yeah.

[D]

Versus three yawns.

[B]

And then the average person yawns five to 20 times a day.

[A]

That. That is not correct. There'll be days where I won't yawn at all.

[D]

You don't know, Jared, your research is so wrong.

[A]

I understand that you found this somewhere. I'm saying that's so wrong.

[C]

We're also not the average person, guys. We're, we're.

[B]

We're built different.

[C]

We're super built. We're so arrested.

[A]

Imagine how little I'm gonna yawn in about two days.

[C]

Never again.

[D]

Well, 32 days, because again, 30.

[A]

Yeah, I definitely can't do the yawn thing. After I get this zero gravity bed, then I'm gonna make no money. How am I gonna pay for the bed?

[D]

Well, but here's the thing though. When you're doing that Rubik's Cube, you probably ain't gonna be blinking Much. You're gonna be so dialed.

[B]

It's a great point.

[A]

Right.

[D]

So you can be making money doing that Rubik's Cube. And we have. We're at like what, 120 days plus a three month extension after that.

[C]

Yeah, I think was the final 2027, I think is now the don't finish date.

[A]

You agreed to it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't sit there and act after the fact like it's just big.

[C]

You did kind of strong arm into it with threatening to end the podcast.

[A]

Well, no, I said if I'm gonna solve it by the time, then I have to go home right now. So it's just. It's just. It's suspended for the moment.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's the terms right now.

[A]

It's suspended. Yeah. Not indefinitely. It's just suspended until next week's podcast. What else you got, Jared?

[B]

This is from Ice Mounter, which is a patron. Patron, yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Hashtag miles is charged. If we. If you were guys were in charge of the New Year's Eve ball drop, who would do what?

[A]

Like in Times Square? Yep, like one Times Square. I'm in charge.

[D]

Why are you laughing?

[C]

Just. I can't remember who.

[D]

You think the ball's dropping?

[C]

No, I can't remember who it was. It was like two or three years ago. The host was just clearly hammered.

[D]

Oh yeah.

[C]

And it was so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was bombed during the New Year's Eve ball drop up.

[A]

So side note, before we get into this New Year's. So was Troy Aikman hammered on. On the broadcast a couple weeks ago?

[B]

I think he's always has a couple beers at least.

[A]

Because broadcast it was like, maybe he does this every time, but Joe Buck was like. And Troy Aikman will join us shortly. He like wasn't there throwing up.

[C]

He's black.

[A]

I don't know what he was doing, but no idea. And then he seemed like he was having a good time that night.

[C]

I. I don't know which game this is. I don't.

[A]

Yeah, I don't remember.

[D]

I don't remember.

[A]

Should I play? This has turned into Eddie Gordados. All right, so we're in charge. We're in charge of New Year's Eve ball drop. All right, so I first like to start off the meeting. Let's talk about our core values and mission statement here. Okay, sure. Which are what? What's. What's one of our core values, Tyler? You know these. You know, we talk about these all the time. All right, what are they? Rattle mouth.

[C]

When it Comes down to it. It's all about the ball.

[A]

Balls, balls. So what it's about, Jared, what's our other core value?

[B]

Happiness makes the world go around.

[A]

Happiness makes the world go around. It's our job to make the world go round through our balls and happiness. Yep. Ryan, what's number three?

[D]

Pop, lock and drop it.

[A]

Pop, lock and drop it. And remind everyone listening to this meeting, who sings Pop, lock and drop it?

[D]

Snoop Dogg.

[B]

That's. He's always does that joke every time.

[A]

You got him.

[D]

What joke?

[C]

He's just kidding. Ryan the jokester.

[D]

I'm confused.

[A]

Yeah. So split right now. Balls. Happiness makes the world go around. Pop, lock and drop it.

[D]

Pop the champagne, lock the door. And the ball drops.

[A]

And our final one is. Make it so good that they can't leave to go to the bathroom. Yes. Okay, so knowing that, these all feed into our mission statement. And what's our mission statement, Jared?

[B]

Make. Make happiness the number one priority for the year.

[D]

Yeah, we want that this upcoming year. Next year is the best year.

[C]

Yeah. Nice.

[A]

You. You know, you guys know it. You guys know and live it. And with that in mind, I've been getting. I just had my meeting with Dick Clark.

[C]

Nice. How is he doing?

[B]

And at the mausoleum.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, so what he did was he. You guys know this about Dick?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He foresaw that he was going to pass because I know that he passed.

[C]

Who?

[D]

The Dick Clark.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

He's.

[A]

He's like.

[D]

He's.

[A]

The guy we have is. Who do you think that was?

[B]

Eve.

[C]

He's the godfather of New Year's Eve.

[A]

He invent. He's right there on our wall.

[D]

You're right. You're right.

[B]

You don't know.

[A]

Who did you think that was? Who did you think that was?

[C]

St. Nicholas.

[D]

Ridiculous. Okay, you did say earlier you had a Dick meeting, correct? Okay.

[A]

What'd you think I met?

[D]

Well, yeah. Again, my.

[B]

We can't swear in front of.

[A]

So Dick being the. The. The visionary that he is, he. He. He recorded a bunch of videos for future years to the chairman of New Year's Eve. And it's, you know, same thing that Abraham Lincoln did. He recorded those videos. So all future presidents, every year they. There's a new one. He predicted what the problems were going to be.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And Dick, since I know that he passed, he left me a video this year. And he. He. He's just. There's a reason why. He's the goat. He knew what we were going to need in 2026. And he talked a lot about how the country's somewhat divided, all the other stuff. And so he said, this year, you really got to bring it. And that's what he said. And just be predicted. He knew that we needed the advice, that we really need to bring it this year.

[C]

Yeah. And I. I think. I think I'm. I'm gonna bring it.

[A]

So what are we bringing?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Like you said, no idea is a bad idea.

[C]

Okay. I think that, like you said, the country's so divided, and Dick says we have to bring it. And a divided country is only divided because there's so much talking on this side and so much talking on that side. What stops talking? Gay Trump. We gotta get this year's ball drop. We trained it to the ball gag.

[A]

The ball gag drop? Yeah.

[C]

Then nobody's talking. They're just living in the moment.

[A]

I like that. It's like when you go to an NBA game, they have shirts sitting on all the chairs. We'll just hand out. Every person that comes to Times Square gets a ball game.

[D]

Everyone gets a BG.

[C]

We'll fill the square with gags, and.

[B]

We'Ll have 20, 26 handcuffs. So be like, the O will be one part of the rest.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Center of the six will be other.

[A]

Yes. Y.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. The glasses will have the.

[B]

Yeah, very like the glasses.

[A]

That's another thing. Side note, we're starting to get to a point. It was really easy for us in the sunglasses game to make in, like, 2000 was the pinnacle. It's so easy.

[C]

So easy.

[A]

Design was really nice.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

2003, 2004.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Very symmetrical and nice.

[C]

No. So I think.

[A]

What do we have any ideas?

[C]

We still have a zero. So we're 20, 26. We could make the zero the ball of said gag and then have a two on one side of it and then a two, six. Yeah, we'll just abandon the glasses.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, that's fine with me. Okay. So we got. I like where we're at. We're at ball keg.

[C]

Me too.

[A]

You know, everyone shut the upper up and just celebrate the new year.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

What are we going to do? Last year, we had too many people defecating in Times Square, and the cleanup took months. It was. It was worse than the Boston molasses disaster.

[C]

It was the New York assets disaster.

[A]

Correct. You know, what's the status on the porta potties? Jared, you. You're in charge of that.

[D]

Well, I think. I don't. I don't know if it's as much of a problem with the porta Pies as it is. The. The. The homeless problem.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

So if we could have a. I ran the data.

[B]

I didn't really see much homeless. That was.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, here's Jared. You're in charge. Rides like homeless people. He always does this.

[D]

Here's what we could do.

[B]

We could be in charge of sanitation all the time.

[D]

We could move. We could move the ball gags and the ball drop to Central park, where we could. There's grass to on.

[A]

That's true.

[D]

Grass.

[A]

You just have to send out do doggy bags for everyone to clean up their own.

[D]

Oh. I mean, it's also great for Great fertilizer, fer.

[C]

I really, really like where your head's at, though. 1. There's one issue. Central park has about 8 inches of snow in it right now, so there's no grass to on, so.

[D]

Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's an. That is an issue.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Definitely an issue.

[A]

You know, we'll circle back. Honestly, I'm not worried about it. People have just been adjusting. There's more and more people wearing diapers every single year.

[D]

They just been watching where they step.

[B]

I just got off the phone with the pens, and they're like, can we get all these diapers? They're like, well, depends how many you want. So I think they're.

[A]

So we just need to get them a number, because right now it just depends on how many.

[B]

Depends exactly, but I think there is.

[A]

Okay, you're in. Perfect. All right, what are we talking broadcast here? What do you guys think?

[C]

Yeah, I think the first thing we need to tackle is who are you guys thinking for hosts this year? I mean, obviously, we can't have Dick's hologram because he. He's licensed. Just that one video to you every year, so can't bring back Dick.

[D]

Do we want to stay in the hologram route, or do we want to go, you know, face to face, boots on the ground?

[B]

Dick did say bring it. Bring it on this year, right?

[C]

He did.

[B]

Okay, so I think we bring the bring it on cast.

[C]

That's great.

[A]

And also great. Dude, we need to get Michael Strahan. That guy we know he can't turn down an opportunity. That guy will do anything that gets put in front of him.

[C]

I kind of think he's a hologram. He can't be in that many places at once.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Fox and abc.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When did he see his kids?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyways, it's gotta take a gap year.

[A]

Yeah, he actually might be on gap year. Seems like he's on a gap year every year.

[C]

Though he has a pretty famous gap tooth.

[A]

Any kind of festivities that we could do on the broadcast? You know, in the past we've done the like, where, you know, everyone's pretty jacked up. We did that one year where Gronk spiked the Lego head of Steve Harvey. And if you guys remember that. Yeah, it was a huge iconic moment.

[C]

I don't know if you should repeat that. Harvey was pissed. He was, yeah, Steve Harvey. He was not a happy camper. That mustache was quivering.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think champagne dunk tank could be good.

[C]

And we just put some of the least likable people ever in the dunk tank.

[B]

I don't think Billy McFarlane's doing much, so we could put him.

[C]

Yeah, well, he's pretty great. I was thinking more like Kevin Hart.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I'd love to dunk him in some champagne.

[A]

So it's Kevin Hart. Now this is off topic, but is Kevin Hart notably a guy that people hate?

[C]

A lot of people are very annoyed by Kevin Hart.

[A]

Yeah. Because the vibe that I get is that Kevin Hart is like, yeah. You're like, oh, but that's just Kevin Hart. Yeah, like I hate Kevin Hart. You're just like, yeah, it's just Kevin Hart. He's gonna do the high pitched voice, the small man bit.

[D]

With Kevin Hart comes LeBron James and Drew Ski too. So are we willing to dish that kind of out?

[C]

I, you know, honestly, I, I think I'd love to dunk LeBron James. How many people could say they've dunked on LeBron James? Yeah, I think, I think I'd be big with that. Yeah, sure.

[B]

We sell shirts like I dunked LeBron James. Yeah. They say in the business.

[C]

Yeah, cash grab.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, it's a great cash grab.

[A]

It's a great cash grab. Speaking of, let's talk cash grabs.

[C]

Okay. I mean, sponsors, we got depends on board. Just need to get them a number. Yep. Planet Fitness.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[D]

Weight Watchers is another one.

[A]

Remind me again, I know we talked about this. Remind me again, why Planet Fitness?

[C]

Because they're only busy during January.

[A]

Got it, got it, got it. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, but it's not even about getting people in the door. It's about getting the memberships to get flowing.

[C]

Exactly. Yeah, it's great. We should maybe copy Planet Fitness, get some sort of New Year's Eve ball drop membership thing going. Sure, we'll make it super hard to cancel.

[D]

Is it like a monthly, like gift box type deal? You get a new, new gig every year.

[C]

Honestly, they just, every month. It's lifetime Tickets, they just. They can come, but they won't, you know?

[B]

And we'll bring the Lunk Alarm over.

[C]

Yeah. So if you're being super annoying on New Year's Eve, we'll ring the Lunk Alarm on them.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Presented by Planet Fitness.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, guys, I feel like we're getting away from our core values again.

[C]

Sorry, sorry.

[A]

Which are balls.

[C]

It's all about the balls.

[A]

Happiness makes the world go around. Pop, lock and drop it. And what was the last one again?

[D]

This next year is the best year.

[C]

That's. That's our motto.

[A]

That's our mission. Yeah. Yeah, that's our mission.

[C]

We have one more core value.

[D]

That's the mish.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I think it's a good time to just veto that one if no one remembers it. Yeah.

[C]

Great call.

[A]

Yeah. It's like trimming the fat going in 20, 26. Let's drop. Let's drop a core value. Sure.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

If we don't believe in it anymore, break it up. So I think we need more balls. I think we need more making the world go around. And right now we kind of like we've gone all in on that one ball. What other stuff can we drop? You know?

[D]

Ass.

[C]

Yeah, that's part of the pop off and drop it. That's great.

[A]

It's also a great opportunity. Like the. The dropping is a great opportunity for sponsors. We can get like, Nicki Minaj to do a, like, ass drop to midnight.

[D]

To Snoop Dogg doing an acid drop.

[C]

Drop it like it's hot.

[A]

You could drop it like it's just him and Martha Stewart in the kitchen dropping pans that are hot.

[C]

Yeah. They're deep frying in the hot oil. They're just dropping it in and they.

[A]

Have to hold it. Bare hands. And 10, nine, eight. And if they drop, we have to start over.

[C]

Yeah. The new year doesn't start until Martha gets it right.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. The acid drop with Grateful Dead.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

You do that one.

[C]

Good, good.

[B]

Be tough to buck, but we'll get them.

[D]

Yeah. Free ass.

[A]

We need more dropping is what we need.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Tony Hawk can drop into a court half bite.

[C]

Yeah, that's a good one. Jared.

[A]

Put them on the roof.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then Red Bull will sponsor it. They'll sponsor anything.

[C]

They'll love that.

[A]

They're gonna love it.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

And that's how we get some cash grabs into this thing.

[C]

I'm all in on this.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, this is what I think Dick would want for sure. When he said bring it, I think this is what he meant.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And you said bringing the world together.

[A]

He said bring. Let's bring it on. We're going all or nothing.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What did you say last year?

[D]

Well, last year's in the past, so we.

[A]

Look, this is Jared's first year, so he wasn't here last year. Sure, but, but, sure. But do go ahead and remind him. What?

[D]

Dick.

[C]

I wasn't there because it's only for the chairman of the board to see, but essentially he just said, you gotta do your best.

[A]

And it's just crazy how he was able to know exactly what we need to hear at certain times.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why he's the goat.

[D]

Yep.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. So without Dick, I don't know where the New Year's Eve ball drop would be.

[A]

And we did our best last year.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, we did do our best. It was awesome.

[D]

But this year, guys, we are gonna bring it on.

[A]

If that doesn't get all or nothing.

[D]

So is it bringing on or all or nothing?

[C]

That's number two.

[A]

That's.

[D]

That's next year.

[A]

That's next year's model. This year's just bringing out.

[B]

You looked ahead.

[D]

Okay, though, a little teaser.

[A]

I did, I did pe. They didn't. They didn't. They didn't. They didn't encrypt them. I can just look at. If you want me to look. I can see what he said about 2042.

[D]

Sure.

[C]

And he's. I think he says, just give it your all.

[A]

In 2069. This is. I, I had to look at that one. He said, just bury yourself in the work. Just bury your face into the work.

[D]

Yeah, Work.

[A]

I imagine that's going to be perfect at that time. Work stinks.

[D]

But bury yourself.

[C]

Yeah. Whatever you give, you will receive.

[A]

I know that it may stink, but you have to bury your face in the work. That's a. That's what he has his words.

[C]

That's great.

[A]

He's so wise.

[D]

From the bottom to the top.

[A]

All right, so what we'll do is you guys will do up a pitch deck and we will bring this to the five mob families to make sure they're cool with it.

[C]

Perfect.

[A]

Cool. And then once we get their approval, we'll get her done.

[C]

I got pretty good connections with Rudy Giuliani, so I'll hit him.

[D]

Jules.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

When's your next Dick appointment?

[A]

Not sure.

[D]

Okay, sure.

[B]

It's always the day before New Year's Eve.

[D]

Yeah, well, I didn't know if we had just had a quick touch up.

[C]

Meeting on the day before New Year's Eve. We're planning all this. Ball drop has nothing planned.

[A]

Well, the ball's always there.

[B]

It is.

[C]

It's just waiting to drop.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What.

[A]

So what it's gonna. We got tons of gags laying around. We can just slap that on the ball.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Everyone gets a gag gift.

[C]

I just forget sometimes that we plan this. The last minute we do so good, it feels like we've been planning for months.

[B]

T's got a head injury. He forgets.

[C]

Easy.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

New Year, New me.

[A]

I. I knew. I knew the. The. The stunt we did back in 2017 where we had people bungee jump off the top of the building when the ball drops.

[C]

I knew that was a problem.

[A]

And I knew we should have hired professionals. We should have, but we only plan a day ahead, so we had. You were their only option.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I. I still regret that.

[C]

Somebody had to test it.

[A]

And that was. Coincidentally, that was the one year I didn't open up the. The Dick Clark fil. See what his vice was. I looked at it afterwards, and he was. He said, this is the year to play it safe. And I didn't listen to him. He. He just knows. And so. Yeah, I apologize for that. I know you got a plate in your head now.

[C]

I. I already forgot what we were talking about. I have that stupid memory thing.

[A]

It's good that we put you in charge of the schedule.

[C]

And I really appreciate those VCR tapes you guys give me to watch every morning on our boat.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I remember who I am and what my life is about. Thanks for that, guys.

[A]

Yeah. It's the last time I know. And open up a dick video.

[D]

When I think you guys, we.

[A]

I just. I knew I looked at the cord. I said, it's too much cord.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I should listen to my gut.

[C]

Too much cord, not enough building. That was the real motto of 2017. Thank God I landed in that random wagon of hay so I didn't die completely.

[A]

It was a blessing. Well, I mean, the silver lining is. Thank God we went with the Assassin's Creed sponsorship that year.

[C]

Yeah. Assassin's Creed, Sin City.

[A]

Yeah. Thank God they were a sponsor a year. Otherwise you'd have been.

[C]

Yeah, totally.

[A]

And it would have totally dominated the. The news circuit that next day.

[B]

Should have played it safe.

[A]

Dick was right.

[D]

Have you told them about the special guest appearance this year? What is his name? Marcus. The guy sitting off the edge of the bed.

[A]

I believe he also has videos that we can watch. I believe that he's. He's passed. So we're doing the hologram.

[D]

Is that what you're saying that was a special. Yeah, it's a hologram.

[A]

The hologram was Marcus. Of the guy with the huge. Sitting on the edge of the bed.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he's dead.

[C]

He's dead.

[D]

He is. But it's a hologram.

[A]

Okay. Because you said special appearance.

[D]

Well, the hologram. The dick appearance or the. Yeah, the dick video.

[A]

Yeah. So we have two dick holograms this year.

[D]

I mean it was bringing on. So it's like we're bringing all the.

[A]

Next year's all or nothing, let's say.

[D]

Okay. Yeah. And it can go year to year.

[A]

That and next year is going to be. Why it's going to be wild. Because we're going to have to decide between doing it all and doing nothing.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And I just. It's. It's strange that that may be the advice considering I don't think Dick would want us to do nothing.

[C]

He's just telling us not to half asset. Either don't do it at all or go all out.

[A]

I know. But what if we don't go out? Then we can't do it at all. There's going to be no ball drop.

[C]

Yeah. Until we just gotta go.

[A]

We're all gonna lose our jobs. So we have to. I guess that's what he wanted. He wanted us to go all out. We have to.

[C]

He's just letting us know the stakes and how important this event is.

[A]

But also maybe he's a genius because it's like, oh, news cycle. They didn't do the ball drop this year. And then the next following year so many more people are going to tune in to see if the ball drops or not.

[B]

We're double our money.

[A]

Triple it. Actually skipping.

[B]

Yeah. But guess what? We don't double.

[D]

That would be much gap.

[A]

Double would be insane.

[B]

We might as well just do it. Might as well go all out.

[A]

Quadruple. Because this is a cash grab.

[B]

Don't tell the customer.

[C]

The cash grab. Where the. One of our main core values is to spread happiness.

[B]

Yeah. But money makes us happy.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

We're spreading that around.

[C]

I'm feeling pretty confident.

[A]

Me too. I wasn't going into this meeting. Now I am. Balls to make the world go around through happiness. Pop, lock and drop it. And what's the mission statement again?

[D]

Mission statement is this year's the best year.

[C]

Yes.

[D]

The best year is the next year.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

No, no, I think he's right.

[A]

I think that's right.

[D]

Next year. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It says it right there underneath Dick's photo. Next year is always the best year. Underneath the dick pick, what's your favorite year? It says the next year. That's actually what the mission statement is.

[B]

I have dick. Like, I mean, dyslexia. Sorry, I can't read that.

[A]

Nice one, Jared.

[D]

2017.

[A]

All right, well, we got New Year's Eve planned. Is that it, Jared?

[B]

One fun fact. In Denmark, people smash old place against friends doors for good luck.

[A]

Plates.

[B]

Yep. Smash old plates.

[A]

Like just year round or like on New Year's? Just on New Year's they do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what if you don't have any old plates?

[B]

Probably go to Goodwill or something.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's a new plate.

[A]

All right, I'm gonna do that to you guys.

[D]

Are you Danish?

[C]

Don't you dare.

[A]

You're right. That might be so in valor. Or it could be a celebration of other cultures.

[D]

That's true. And if you haven't done 23me there, that's another sponsor for the year 23me.

[A]

You know, you want to just collect everyone's DNA when they show up to Times Square.

[D]

Also, we don't have people, people with non Dane in them be smashing plates, you know, and then what we could do is we could throw a little Danish in everybody and then we invest in thrift store stock and then, you.

[A]

Know, so I did a pretty funny bit. I'll end the podcast. This one I had friends were bragging about. They did 23andMe. They got all this information. I advised everyone to do this. Anytime someone starts talking about 23andMe, you need to go, oh, that's cool. Are you concerned at all that they now have your DNA and they're a private company and they can be sold to anyone. So they can just sell your DNA to anyone and then just stop, walk.

[C]

Out of the room?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What did your friends say to that?

[A]

They're like, I don't think we're worried about that. I don't.

[C]

Should we be worried?

[A]

I would because I actually think that's what happens. Happened to 23. It is. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. I did 23 me. Like 10. I don't know, probably.

[A]

Oh, yeah. How does it feel that they had someone else?

[C]

So you have a 10 year old clone running around.

[D]

It's not. Yeah, it's not great. I. I've been trying to figure out. They don't make it easy to get that destroyed.

[A]

Did you try?

[D]

I looked into it, yeah. I mean, because then they send it to sell it to the health insurance companies and then my premiums go up.

[B]

And Then like you get targeted ads because you're.

[D]

Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

And then they make another one of you and then they just try and like say it's your kid.

[C]

Yeah. There's a 10 year old and you're.

[A]

Paying child support payments to people who now own 23andMe big 23. 18 years. They got you on the hook for 18 years.

[C]

Would you owe child. Why not put on a clone?

[A]

You think? Well, it's got your DNA. I don't know. Is, is, is your clone technically your child?

[C]

Whoa. It's obvious. Or is.

[A]

Or no, actually you're over your parents. Your parents are gonna have to pay child support.

[C]

They gotta put another kid through College.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But May 18th birthday, they found out it wasn't. It wasn't theirs.

[C]

But that would mean you're not theirs. It's your clone.

[A]

That would be.

[D]

That's true. 18th birthday. Found out I wasn't he.

[A]

So that's kind information. Try it out someday.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's fun.

[D]

Yeah. You got to be feeling so good going to new. That is like you ain't got any DNA with private companies and you have a zero G bed on the way. You gotta be feeling great, dude. Next year, best year.

[B]

And you got more thermals coming. Probably.

[D]

More thermies in the mail.

[A]

I did. I. I do have. I have a, a brown one and a white one coming.

[D]

White's a good.

[A]

I try to buy black. Sold out.

[D]

Of course. Yeah. People want to look skinny in the new year. Yes.

[B]

This.

[A]

Which actually sucks. But I'll find, I'll find a black thermal.

[C]

You can set alerts. You get an alert.

[D]

There's no company out there with black page.

[A]

No. This, this thermal.

[D]

The entire world is sold out of black thermal.

[A]

I actually almost bought an extra of each one of them because these are gonna go to. And they're not gonna sell these forever, you know.

[D]

Correct. Yeah.

[A]

It's like I'm buying like a 20 year insurance plan on these thermals.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

No warranty.

[A]

If it doesn't exist. Like you maybe get a new throw. But it won't be the same one.

[D]

Correct.

[A]

You know that's true. Like think of all the people that are like, God, I wish I would have bought two of those back in the day.

[C]

Like my dad.

[A]

His coffee mug. Oh yeah. His coffee mug lid started leaking after 30 years and he was all pissy. Couldn't buy another one because they don't make them anymore. That's going to be me.

[D]

Me.

[A]

You should get the thermals.

[D]

Yeah. Get him a 3D printer. He can make his own.

[B]

That's a good idea.

[A]

I would pay so much money to watch my dad try and figure out.

[D]

Get him set up. Yeah. Set his username, password, and then let him.

[A]

Me and my brother have been. Been really getting after my parents, being like, you guys have to start learning stuff because we're at my grandma's, and my uncle came over and hooked up the Roku for my GR grandparents so they could watch the Vikings game on Netflix. And he waltzed in. He's older than my mom. It's her brother. Waltzed in, plugged it in, signed in, did the whole thing, got the game on. And I just was like, mom, mom.

[D]

Mother, Mommy, Mom, Mom.

[A]

He's older than you. You couldn't do that if you spend a week.

[D]

Age is not an excuse, you know?

[A]

And then I was like, what happens if I go? What happened if all of us moved away? She goes, well, I'd probably just hire a kid to mow our lawn and then, you know, lure them into my house and make him do all that stuff. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Is that what you said?

[A]

It's pretty much.

[D]

It's like, house your mouth.

[A]

Anyways. Anyways, that's, like a little goal of mine, is I want to stay text tech savvy all the way through. Sure. And if I don't understand something, I need to try and learn it, not just go, hey, can you do this for me?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Have some grit.

[C]

Or if you do need help, just have them teach you. Like, my grandpa got some new TV cable thing, but he has to have an Amazon fire stick because that's the only thing that supports his new TV app, and we had to plug it into every tv. I had to show him how to do the first one, but then he did the rest after I showed him how to do the first one.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, because I teach them it. They can do it in that moment, and then as soon as I walk out the door, it's gone. But anyways, sorry. That's a per. That's. Yeah. Anyways.

[D]

That's.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You guys are.

[A]

Well, guys, I appreciate you guys tuned in to us for another year. Yeah, no problem. Another year in a. In the books. We appreciate you. We hope you enjoyed the best of last week, and we'll see you next year.

[D]

See you next year. Bet.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Miles is in charge. Create your own home improvement store.

[A]

Jared, welcome to our initial meeting to open up the hardware store.

[B]

I'm excited. I've been waiting for this day a long time.

[A]

Yeah, well, it's kind of weird. You've been waiting for this day for a long time because I just called you last week and told you we wanted to hire you to do the marketing for this store.

[B]

I split my days into, like, three days.

[A]

You're right. Yeah. You've been kicking everyone's butt. Yeah. So I'm so happy that we hired you. You. What was the name of your marketing agency again?

[B]

Jared's Wild Ride Marketing.

[A]

Jared's Wild Ride Marketing. Which one? We love. Did we not, guys?

[D]

We did.

[B]

And the other one.

[D]

Nice.

[C]

Nice, dude.

[D]

That's marketing 101 right there.

[A]

That's marketing. LOL.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So first of all, we love. We appreciate you meeting with us. We just. A little backstory about. About us. We are all cousins.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And my mom's the oldest. Jared or Ryan. And. Wow. We're cousins. This is a family thing.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You guys have. Yeah.

[C]

You wouldn't get it.

[D]

You gotta be really.

[A]

Tyler's dad is my mom's brother, so. And then my.

[D]

And then my stepmom is your mom's half brother's husband.

[A]

Correct.

[C]

But white. Cousin nonetheless.

[A]

Cousin nonetheless.

[D]

I'm a cousin.

[A]

And that's actually their last name on that side of the family is Nonetheless.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

That's. That's what we call him. Cousin Nonetheless.

[D]

Nonetheless.

[C]

When people are talking about me and Miles, we have to make sure that they know Ryan is cousin nonetheless. Yeah.

[D]

NTL for sure.

[A]

So we're first cousin and he's cousin nonetheless. And our. Our. I don't. Our mutual grandfather.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you in on this? Grandfather.

[C]

Step grandfather.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Never step grandfather. He actually owned a hardware store in Aberdeen, South Dakota, and kind of wanted to bring back his legacy.

[B]

Okay. It was right by Storybook Land. I remember that.

[D]

Yeah. A lot of roosters around there.

[A]

Aberdeen. And we kind of want to bring back that same vibe, but also we want to be able to succeed in 2026, so we thought we'd bring you in. What was your Jared's House of Pain? What was it again? Jared's Wild Ride.

[D]

And the L is A one, because he's number one at marketing.

[A]

Jared's Wild Ride Marketing Services Agency. We need help with a name and kind of overall vibe and branding, so we'd love to hear you. You said you've been looking forward to this for a long time, and so I'm guessing you have an elaborate pitch prepared.

[B]

I do.

[A]

So we'd love to see your PowerPoint and hear your pitch.

[B]

Okay, so your. Your grandpa's. Correct. Was near Aberdeen. The old hardware store.

[A]

Yeah. Pat.

[C]

Pat.

[A]

Pap.

[B]

Pap.

[D]

Pap.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

His name was Hank.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So I loved that he had the Storybook Land theme in his hardware store.

[A]

Diddy. Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

No. No Diddy.

[D]

That's why we hired. That's a good.

[C]

I'm so glad he thought of that.

[A]

We actually were gonna do a little Diddy theme. We're gonna do a little Diddy about Jack and Diane. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. You know them two. Two American kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Little did Kitty about Jack and Diane.

[C]

They had a cousin nonetheless too. I heard.

[B]

So the main attraction.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So the main attraction at Storybook Land was Wizard of Oz, as we all know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm thinking yellow brick.

[A]

The whole floor. Okay.

[B]

And we're gonna modernize it with a wicked theme.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

So yellow floor, maybe emerald. Everything else.

[B]

Everything else.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yep. Actually, not too bad.

[D]

No, I don't mind.

[C]

You know what? I think I'm out. I think I'm going to start my own hardware store right across the street. And we can have dueling hardware stores.

[A]

Me and cousin nonetheless. Cannot tell if you are joking, I'm serious, or if this is. Because if this is true, we're going to need Jared to step out because we got some stuff to talk about.

[C]

I think. I think I'm starting my own hardware store.

[A]

Okay. Well, what's it going to be?

[C]

Whatever you do, I'm just going to do the opposite. So I'm just waiting to hear Mr. Jared's.

[A]

You're going to do a green road with yellow walls?

[C]

No, I think going to. We're. What's opposite colors. I will do.

[D]

We're not here to help you because we're you.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

My mom was right about your dad. And you. You guys are pieces of. You've been. You've been mooching off of us and Grandpa for how long? I thought I'd bring you along, but here we are. So you know what? Fine.

[C]

Grand.

[A]

Let's hear. Let's hear what hardware store you're going to do because I was smart enough to hire Jared's house. Fun.

[C]

Wild ride.

[D]

The L's are one.

[A]

And so there we go. And now you.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Have you been. Have you been planning this the whole time or what's going on? Are you. What's going on?

[C]

I've been thinking about it ever since we got gifted the hardware store. That you guys are just this emerald and golden road thing.

[D]

It's just.

[C]

Grandpa's rolling over his grave and so I am going to take my dueling hardware store and combine with another Dueling business in town. The strip club.

[A]

Oh, it's kind of a good idea.

[D]

Yeah. But the best part about is he's got a 10 year non compete and he signed every NDA we have.

[A]

Yeah. Oh yeah.

[C]

So yeah. Do you think I used a fake name on all those documents?

[A]

Oh really? Let me look. I'm pulled documents. He bend over Goddess.

[C]

Gotcha. Nonetheless, that's what we're gonna be making.

[D]

Him do though here soon is bending over.

[A]

So are you. You're gone then.

[C]

Yeah, I'm gone.

[A]

Sayonara.

[C]

Yep, I'm stepping out of them.

[D]

Thank God we didn't let Jared's wild ride getting too deep into the pitch because now we still have secrets in our back pocket.

[C]

All right. I did get the diddy thing though, so thanks for that. I'll keep that out of my strip club hardware store.

[A]

All right, so see you later, Tyler.

[D]

Guys.

[A]

Don'T even think about coming to Christmas, okay? I'm going to burn your stocking.

[B]

All right?

[D]

Yeah. And you're not getting your check from grandpa.

[C]

Yeah, I already got it. How do you think I bought funded my hardware strip club?

[A]

All right, goodbye. So that was the I pre. I. Tyler's gone now.

[D]

Okay, he's out.

[B]

Tyler.

[A]

Mute Tyler. He's gone. All right, folks, let's go.

[D]

Hey. We just.

[A]

Our plan worked to perfection.

[D]

We just turned the fat.

[A]

Our plan worked to perfection. He's gonna run that other thing into the ground. We're gonna get all the business and.

[D]

We have a strip club.

[A]

Great fake pitch. The whole Jared's. Jared's World of Outlaws. What was it?

[D]

World of Outlaws?

[A]

Was it Wilder? Hey, the world. The. The ride thing. That was money. Where'd you come up with the storybook landing? That was great. Yeah. All right, so we're probably just gonna call it Jared Miles and Ryan's Hardware, right?

[B]

Yeah. J, M R. Yeah.

[A]

And we're just gonna just like have a pretty basic logo. Times new Roman. Maybe on the outside people will call.

[D]

Us Jammer for short.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Go to jammers.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And then what do you guys think? It's just like great customer service.

[D]

Easy.

[A]

Great selection.

[B]

12 rebate.

[A]

12 rebate.

[D]

And.

[A]

Popcorn.

[B]

Very salty though. And we'll sell more drinks.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Cool. Cool. All right, let's break ground.

[B]

Yep.

[D]

Now we got a strip club across.

[A]

That's what I would do. Organize the. I guess it's not a. I guess it wasn't a coup. It was kind of a. I. I've of trimming of the fat.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Cloak and dagger.

[A]

Yeah. Little Cloak and daggy.

[D]

Well, C and D. I learned that one from Chuck.

[A]

Rhs from Billions.

[D]

He.

[A]

Something he would have done. Made it seem like we were shocked that you were leaving, but in reality, we wanted you to leave.

[C]

I. Oh, I'm back. Yeah, I was gonna say. I can't talk yet. I love that Jared just got adopted. He. I wasn't a marketing guy.

[A]

No, he's. He's other. He's.

[D]

He's.

[A]

He's his other cousin.

[C]

His secret cousin.

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah, I like that.

[A]

I was very quick on your featured to come up with the wizard of Oz theme.

[B]

Well, there's storybook Landon Aberdeen.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

I just try to give him props. He's just like. Yeah, I didn't mean that you came up with the wizard of Oz. I just met. You know, the yellow floors and emerald look. You know, it's a great box. Great pitch. It was really. It's. He thought the whole thing was real.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Guys, if you want more, you bet your radio you gotta check out our Patreon. You gotta go to patreon.com radio or look us up on the app. And we have hundreds of hours of other episodes on there that you can't get unless you're signed up. So you gotta check us out on Patreon. You bet your radio, baby.