Andrew Santino Returns

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Andrew Santino Returns

Release Date: October 5, 2022

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Episode Overview

In this lively, deeply candid, and consistently funny conversation, Pete Holmes welcomes comedian Andrew Santino back to the show—for the podcast’s first-ever video episode. The two dive into everything from secret weirdness and the realities of stand-up life, to mental health, burnout, creative ambition, and wild tangents about robots, exercise equipment, LA vs. Ojai, and ghosts. At once hilarious and introspective, Pete and Andrew keep it weird, raw, and relatable, lampooning the comedy grind while also pondering what it might look like to step off the treadmill.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Stand-Up Burnout & The Comedy Game

[09:30 – 14:53]

• Andrew confesses his fatigue and ambivalence about stand-up after taping his special:

  "I just shot my special in Denver, Colorado ... I'm gonna be real with you because sometimes we get very real, you and I ... I don't want to do stand-up anymore, buddy." (09:31)

• Pete mirrors this feeling, linking it to personal growth:

  "The more healed as a person I become, I have less compulsion to go out and earn it in front of strangers." (12:51)

• The two discuss the emotional highs and lows of performing, comparing it to a relationship that alternates between devotion and longing to leave.

Memorable Moment:

• Pete compares stand-up to Michael Jordan’s compulsion for the game, but notes he’s less drawn to the "shiny and fancy" now.

Quote:

Andrew: "You're having that conversation where you're like, you don't leave your wife. You don't leave your wife, but you do. If she pisses you off enough." (13:36)

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2. Changes in the Stand-Up Scene & Tape Anxiety

[14:09 – 16:00]

• The process of getting into stand-up has changed drastically; now even new comics have full high-resolution video for their socials, while older comics reminisce about fighting to get even crappy tapes.
• Andrew opens up about anxiety taping specials:

  "Knowing you're taping, it's the worst ... you're in your head. You're like, 'This is locked down forever.' ...all the pressure that finally gets left ... and then the moment you get off stage, you're—I hated every second of it, but I actually really liked it the way it came out." (16:00, 18:47)

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3. Shifting Culture, Social Media & Parasocial Relationships

[24:04 – 26:01]

• Pete and Andrew talk about moving out of the “cultural hum” of stand-up and the impact of social media.

• They agree the atmosphere feels heavier and more parasocial:

  Andrew: "Parasocial relationships are ruining us. ...In person contact has become so odd now because everyone is your friend on the Internet." (25:31)

• Pete shares he pays someone to run his socials, stepping away for his own sanity.

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4. Health, Fitness, and the Comedy Mindset

[25:50 – 34:40]

• Extended riffing on exercise equipment (Peloton and Tonal), with Pete admitting he ignores the instructor's calls for more resistance:

  "When she goes, 'Let's crank it up to 40,' ... I'm like, I'm already sweating. ...Why would I listen to a robot?" (31:47)

• Andrew, by contrast, follows the cues out of loyalty or fear of “being caught,” exposing their different personalities.

• Deep dive into how exercise, competition, and even cheating in fitness classes mirror broader societal incentives.

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5. Life Decisions: Ojai vs. LA, Escaping the Casino

[23:56 – 44:22]

• Discussion of moving out of Los Angeles for peace—Ojai as Pete’s “casino escape.”
• Andrew likens LA to a casino:

  "Los Angeles as a city ... is a casino. It adopts the exact same ideology as casinos ... you win even a little bit ... and you're like, I'd like to go home with some of my winnings. And the casino's like, 'The fuck you will.'" (41:09)

• Both contemplate whether chasing more “bells and whistles” in cities like LA and the comedy industry is worth it, or if it’s better to go “sit by a fucking river.”

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6. Mental Health, Burnout, and the Value of Partners

[51:25 – 55:06]

• Andrew discusses the overwhelming feeling from both shooting his special and jumping right into the new season of "Dave," leading to 14-hour days and emotional exhaustion. He emphasizes the difference between recognizing physical vs. mental fatigue.
• Pete and Andrew talk about the importance of partners who can “see all of it” and help regulate the rollercoaster of comedic highs and lows.
• Val, Pete’s wife, is credited for helping him gain perspective:

  Pete (as Val): "You're gonna have a great set tomorrow, and you're gonna come home and be like, stand up's the greatest thing. I'm never gonna stop doing it." Andrew: "You're right. Let's eat dinner." (54:01)

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7. On Saying No, Healthy Boundaries, and the Perception Game

[96:21 – 101:40]

• Andrew and Pete explore learning to say “no” in show business and how that’s interpreted based on your persona and physicality.

  "Because I'm strong, I'm like, strong personality, ...people like, 'I don't want—He probably doesn't want me.'" (100:15)

• They note that certain people, like Aziz Ansari, could get away with being nonchalant, while others may be misperceived.

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8. Sisyphus, Boulders, and Comedy’s Endless Climb

[114:11 – 116:46]

• The Greek myth of Sisyphus is invoked as a metaphor for the comedy (and life) grind—constantly pushing the boulder with a secret smile.

  Pete: "Even the things we hate, we secretly love." Andrew: "I'm pushing a little bit of a boulder. Sometimes you're like—well, actually, it's 20." (116:28)

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9. Wild Tangents and Comic Weirdness

(Throughout: see especially 62:01 – 63:24, 73:02 – 76:07, 120:00 – 121:25)

• Tangents span from Nessie’s emotional intelligence, to impressions of Michael McDonald, Will Smith, and Rodney "Safety" Field, to deeply silly riffs on exercise, pets, and ghost stories.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Andrew on the Pressure of Tapings:

  "People don't get... as soon as you get off stage... I was like, I hated every second of it, but I actually really liked it the way it came out." (18:47)

• On the Culture of LA:

  "Los Angeles as a city is a casino ... you win even a little bit ... and the casino's like, 'The fuck you will.'" (41:09)

• On Burnout and Partners:

  Pete (as Val): "You're gonna have a great set tomorrow, and you're gonna come home and be like, stand up's the greatest thing." (54:01)

• On Sisyphus:

  Pete: "Even the things we hate, we secretly love ... Sisyphus. I think that's right on." (115:45)

• Comic Relief:

  "If this is the joke that brings us both down, fine." – Pete (19:52, after riffing on Pixar movies/Black leads)

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Timestamped Segment Guide

• 07:34 – Show start, Andrew groggy but riffing on pimple, shooting “Dave”
• 09:30 – Burnout from stand-up, Andrew’s completed special, Pete taps into similar fatigue
• 14:09 – Generational change in stand-up, tape anxiety
• 24:04 – Living in Ojai, energy differences, leaving LA, digital/social fatigue
• 31:47 – Tangent on Peloton, Tonal, and following/ignoring the “robot” instructor
• 51:25 – Burnout and boundaries, importance of rest and self-care, Andrew on the grind shooting “Dave”
• 54:01 – Pete and Val’s marital dynamic re: stand-up highs/lows
• 62:01 – Tangent on Nessie, Creature from the Black Lagoon, what’s scary, and empathy for monsters
• 70:11 – Side story: Dinner with Dane Cook, social comparisons
• 96:21 – Saying no, healthy boundaries, and how public/fan perception is impacted by persona
• 101:46 – The role of physicality/personality in career interactions
• 114:11 – Sisyphus metaphor for endless showbiz striving
• 121:05 – Ghosts, hardest laughs, and comic superstitions
• 122:24 – Signature “keep it crispy” sign off (show close)

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Tone and Language

The episode is fast-paced, irreverent, and self-aware, with frequent meta-commentary and digressions. Pete and Andrew balance deep self-reflection with rapid-fire bits and playful ribbing. Despite the fun, they are vulnerable about emotional exhaustion, creative dissatisfaction, and the perpetual tug-of-war between ambition and personal well-being.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode offers a funny but unfiltered look at the secret weirdness and real emotional rollercoaster of modern stand-up life. With laughs, honesty, and sharp insights, Pete Holmes and Andrew Santino make the case that no matter how successful or seasoned you are, the struggle for meaning, mental health, and creative fulfillment—inside and outside of comedy—never really ends. If you’re a comedian, a fan, or just someone feeling burnt out by the grind, there’s plenty here to make you laugh and help you feel seen.

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Signature Sign-off:
Pete: “Keep it crispy.”
Andrew: “Keep it crispy.” (122:24)

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with.

[Andrew Santino]

You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? It is the Return and the first video episode with my dear friend Andrew Santino. This was effortless. I'm looking to Katie. We were both talking about how, how fun this episode was, how funny he is. He was even, I think he said he was tired and he just turns it on. We laugh like silly sillies and we had a blast. And I'm really excited that you guys are here. If you would like to come and see me doing standup comedy, you have a few options if you're in LA. I'm going to be at Largo on October 9th. That's coming up on Sunday. And I'm also going to be there November 3rd. November 3rd is going to be a fundraiser for, for Homeboy Industries, which I'm very excited about. But both of those shows are going to be stacked. We're going to get great guests, great musical guests. It's always the highlight of my month. Go to largo-la.com for tickets. And if you want to see me, I'm going on the road. Go to peteholmes.com for tickets. I'll just read some of the cities. October 14th, Toronto, the 15th, Atlantis, Atlantic City, New Jersey. October 16th, I'm at the Wilbur in Boston. That's like about 70% sold, I believe. So please, if you want to come to that one, my hometown, get tickets. These are also now available on the website. Chicago, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Atlanta, Charlotte and Washington, D.C. please come on out. I think Andrew and I talk about touring quite a bit. So this, this is, this is the one to come to. I'm not saying I'm retiring. I'm just saying let's make this a great one. I'm not retiring. I'm never going to stop doing stand up. But come on, this one, do this one. Go to PeteHomes.com I'm super excited about this hour. I'm super proud of it. So hopefully I will see you there. And if you like the show, why not try a Pete's Pick? These are what we call the ads. These are things that I love and I use especially with, without a doubt, for real, for real living libations. Living libations is a natural and real ingredient that skin, hair, teeth, eyes, baby body care company that has revolutionized all of those things and changed the way that I look at health and what I put on my body I was being very careful about what I was putting in my body, trying to eat natural, real organic things, but I wasn't being careful about what I put on my body. But of course, what you put on your body ends up in your body. Your skin is the largest organ. It absorbs that stuff into your bloodstream. So we shouldn't be putting strange chemicals and health beauty products, sunscreens, lotions, stuff that isn't intended for humans. If you read the ingredients and it's like seven Z's and the number X and the number Z, I can't speak today. And the number 28, just think of any number, Pete. And that bit works. It's probably not good for you. But I was fooled by branding and by marketing thinking that these things were good because they had French names. I want to eat food where I recognize the ingredients. And now I want my skincare to be the same. So enter Living Libations. A great example is their Love the Love the sun zinc based sunscreen. Every morning, our daughter, we have to slather her head to toe in sunblock. And I saw there were natural, quote unquote, natural things on Amazon and they just weren't like if you dug a little bit deeper and read the ingredients. These were not healthier sunscreens. And I was so happy to find the Living Libations. Love the sun sun formula. That is what we put on Leela every morning. It's great to know that I'm not putting something unnatural or bad for her on her body. Of course, at 4 years old, that's super important. And me personally, I use their ginger exfoliating scrub, which is not only healthy and natural and made with ingredients that I recognize, but it's the most badass exfoliant that I've ever used in my life. And at night, I use their best skin ever moisturizer. Smells great, feels great and gets your skin looking great. Of course, I use their Zen shave, I use their gum treatments, a lot of their dental stuff. And when Lila was a baby, we used tons of their baby stuff. Here's the point. If you want to support the show, Living Libations has small products and big products. If you want to give a little, if you want to give a lot, you can get something small. You can get a tongue scraper. Do whatever you want. It still supports the show. It lets our advertisers know that these ads are working and you'll be doing your body a favor. Whatever product you'd like to replace, I promise you Living Libations has a premium, natural and wonderful product to replace the random chemical nightmares that they sell at 7 11. So go to livinglibations.com and use promo code. This is new for this month. Weird 2020 2022. Weird 2022. That's 15 off. Go to livinglibations.com and use promo code weird2022 also we are brought to us by our friends at Ritual. I take Ritual multivitamins. I take Synbiotic plus pre post and probiotics every single morning. I'm super, super into health, feeling my best feeling ready to start my day and gut health and their Synbiotic plus pre post and probiotic is the best probiotic I found. I always, always, always start my day with it. And here's. Here's. I'll tell you a little. I'll tell you a little bit more about it. Does your probiotic contain clinically studied strains? Well, meet one that does. 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There's designed with moisture controlled bottle technology to provide to protect, excuse me, the probiotic strains. And best of all, you don't have to refrigerate them. I keep it right in my cupboard and they stay good. So Symbiotic and Ritual are here to celebrate, not hide your insides. There's no more shame in your gut game. That's why Ritual is offering weirdos 10% off during your first three months. Visit ritual.comweird to start ritual or add symbiotic plus to your subscription today. That's ritual.com/weird for 10% off during your first 3 months and show your support of the show. All right, guys, go to PeteHomes.com for the tour dates. Hope to see you at Largo if you're here in the LA area. In the meantime, enjoy the hilarious Whiskey Ginger Andrew Santino. Get into it. Get in here. Sandman. Topic. Topic of conversation number one. You don't want to do this. Get in here. Get in here.

[Andrew Santino]

Boy, oh, boy, do I not want to do this right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Show them the hair. Show them the hair.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm so tired.

[Pete Holmes]

You felt that was a thing. You didn't want me to take your hair?

[Andrew Santino]

Well, because I didn't do my hair. I didn't get. Well, look, I didn't get out of. I got out of the shower. I haven't done anything.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to apologize.

[Andrew Santino]

Start off by apologizing. Go for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me apologize to you. I'm sorry.

[Andrew Santino]

Go for it.

[Pete Holmes]

It made me hurt when you recoiled like that.

[Andrew Santino]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

And also, your hair looks fucking great.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm just tired. And you know what it is? And I have a pimple on my lip. And I put makeup on it. I went to the. I went to CBS and I got. Because.

[Pete Holmes]

Cvs.com whiskey whiskey cvs.com whisk ginge for.

[Andrew Santino]

10% off some of your makeup goods. But I put a little bit of tinted Clearasil. I put up some stuff on it, and then it makes it worse. And then you're like, it looks like I have a canker sore. And then you're like, I don't have a canker sore. I don't get canker sores.

[Pete Holmes]

Those are herpes.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I have herpes in my penis, but not in my mouth. That's insane. We'll be right back.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a herp.

[Andrew Santino]

Herpes.com weird for 10% rock valtrex ad right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Does that work? Does Valtrex? I thought there was a cure for herps.

[Andrew Santino]

No, no, no. I subsides some of the flare ups. Yeah, but I just, I got annoyed by it. And then I, I, I, I was so mad because, God, have I been shooting too much.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you doing? You're pickling up your gingers.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm doing Dave Season three, the Ding Dong Show. I gotta tell you something. These Jews cut and. Stop it.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop it.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I. Oh, Pete. Cut it out. Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

I forget how high it is. Pete. Pete. You got a high to do. Bill.

[Andrew Santino]

Slight return.

[Pete Holmes]

Fenway Park.

[Andrew Santino]

Fenway park sold it out. He did.

[Pete Holmes]

The Red Sox can't do that.

[Andrew Santino]

No, they can't. That's amazing. What does that feel like. Do you want to do amphitheaters and stadiums? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sounds like a nightmare to me.

[Andrew Santino]

I get big two bit. I just shot my special in Denver, Colorado, Also tired. And I'm gonna be real with you because sometimes we get very real, you and I hold that there. I don't want to do stand up anymore, buddy.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just on the phone today with my.

[Andrew Santino]

So exhausted. And after I shot the special, I said, go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

Go ahead. Hit it like it's stand up. Hit it like it's stand up. Stand up. And it.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh. And it always your life, but it always comes back into my life.

[Pete Holmes]

Just like, stand up.

[Andrew Santino]

I just think I just shot it in Denver. I had a fun time. Shout out to Denver. I had so much fun. But also, you know what?

[Pete Holmes]

Fuck Denver. I'm just kidding. Thank you, Denver. Thanks for coming out. See, we're chills.

[Andrew Santino]

We're rowdy. We're chills, too rowdy.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know, ever since they legalized the. The tender greens. I remember doing the High Plains Festival the first year they legalized the tender greens.

[Andrew Santino]

That's how you have to say it when you walk in a store. Do you guys have any? They go, sir, get out. You take a walk around the block. Come back.

[Pete Holmes]

What's mdma? Do you have any? That's cocaine.

[Andrew Santino]

No, that's cocaine. Oh, MDMA is. Do you guys.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And you have to touch your nips.

[Andrew Santino]

That sound. Yeah. You have to rub your titties.

[Pete Holmes]

Rub your titties. Men have them, women have them. We have them. I have boob shadow. You can see it in photographs. Do you really muscle?

[Andrew Santino]

Look at that.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a new bit. Can I run it by you?

[Andrew Santino]

Put it down. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, go ahead. Keep it up.

[Andrew Santino]

No, no, no. Put it down.

[Pete Holmes]

I just started. Everybody knows this. Lifting weights. Who it turns out it's not. You're nobody. You're nobody special, muscle boy.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

All you did was this.

[Andrew Santino]

I did a lot more than you did, though.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's. Who cares?

[Andrew Santino]

But that point is, I did more than you. Society is all about more than you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Bigger house, bigger car, more the money. That's what I just do this more.

[Pete Holmes]

But you weren't fighting off wolverines.

[Andrew Santino]

In my mind, I was. In my mind, I was fighting off a lot of demons. So you. If you curl the heavier weight you curl, the more you can ward off.

[Pete Holmes]

Chrome means lift.

[Andrew Santino]

Mm. That's just how it goes.

[Pete Holmes]

The more wolverines you can ward off.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying for Those of us not you.

[Andrew Santino]

Let me tell you why I want.

[Pete Holmes]

To lift you out a weight. A white baseball cap in high school, let's be honest.

[Andrew Santino]

White baseball cap. White baseball cap. White baseball cap. White baseball cap.

[Pete Holmes]

White baseball cap. White baseball cap.

[Andrew Santino]

One of my favorite death cap songs.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

White baseball cap.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good.

[Andrew Santino]

He put out a new song the other day, and I listened to Gibboard, the Gibbs Dog. And it just. At this point in my life, I don't want to hear it anymore. I love his music.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to be real with you.

[Andrew Santino]

Because I'm getting tired of it.

[Pete Holmes]

We're circling. We're waiting to be cleared to land this conversation plane.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

At the terminal marked. Is it time to hang it up?

[Andrew Santino]

Is it time to hang it up?

[Pete Holmes]

I just, on the drive down, called my friend Rob Bell, okay? He's an author and a teacher. He's a genius. And I called him because I did a set at the Improv two nights ago, and I called him and I was like, bob, Bobby, I'm tired of this thing that I'm doing with Stand up when it gets me high, when I have a great set and everybody's like. I'm like, that was great. And if it sucks, I'm like, what am I doing? You know? And I'm like. I talk to some people and they're just. They seem so noble. They're just like.

[Andrew Santino]

I just love making people laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

I travel around the land and make them laugh. And I'm like Michael Jordan. I'm like, I'm out there. For me, I want to spin and dunk and have new shoes and be shiny and fancy and like, that game is becoming less interesting to me. I'm going to say something strange. The more healed as a person I become, I have less compulsion to go out and earn it in front of strangers. So, of course, Stand up is becoming. I'm going. I'm on tour currently, but, like, it's becoming hilarious.

[Andrew Santino]

Dot com. Grab those tickets.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to Beat Homes dot com. Well, no shit. Might be one. It might be the last time. I'm not saying that to threaten anybody.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't think it's going to be, but I do think it's.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't think it's going to be.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I think it's okay to feel that way. I always feel this way.

[Pete Holmes]

You're. We're having that conversation where you're like, you don't leave your wife. You don't leave your wife, but you do.

[Andrew Santino]

If she pisses you off enough. If it Just becomes sometimes standard.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me what you're thinking.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. You know what I really think it is? It's not just your age and you're settling into mediocrity. You can say mediocrity, it's just settling into who you really are. But it's not just that. As a mediocre, mediocre man, I just really believe that it has a lot more to do with the time. Stand up is about what's happening right now and it's changing. Like Ryan Stout, you know him, great comic.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

He just had a tweet that said something to the effect of like, I'm so jealous of comics that get like full high res videos the first, like three times they've ever done Stand Up.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Andrew Santino]

He's like, we used to have to fucking call a club.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Beg if they could allow recording equipment.

[Pete Holmes]

Set up a handycam on a tripod.

[Andrew Santino]

Which would get knocked over or stood in front of by someone's big fat dumb head for 20 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

And he's like, we had to do that. Like, getting a tape, quote unquote, was an impossible feat.

[Pete Holmes]

Sandman.

[Andrew Santino]

Impossible.

[Pete Holmes]

Sandman.

[Andrew Santino]

I have VHS tapes.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

That. I'm like, this. It had to be good enough.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Just so they could hear enough of this and kind of see you. And then they're like, maybe we'll let you be on tv.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Andrew Santino]

Most of the time. No.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I throw you something? You're gonna know what? I'm gonna get it. You're gonna get it.

[Andrew Santino]

Give it.

[Pete Holmes]

You've already signed for this package.

[Andrew Santino]

It's like a David Blaine. Is it included?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. David Blaine works for FedEx. He goes, can you sign this? And you look at it and you've already signed. And you look up and he's the package. David. And you open it and he's in there.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he asks you to sign again and this time you haven't signed. Honestly, he must get fucking what we're talking about. He's like, what do I got to do? Eat a living goat and it out and it's a donkey.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're like, yeah, you have to up your.

[Andrew Santino]

Almost die is what they want all performers to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Make yourself almost die for us. For me.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back to gladiators.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes, we are almost die. Okay, Tom, here's what I'm gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

Tape anxiety. The curse of the tape, can I.

[Andrew Santino]

Tell you, is what we. Hold my hand Old, old timers. So sad right now, though also because The Denver taping, man, it was so fun. But also, knowing you're taping, it's the worst. It's the worst. It's so hard because you're in your head. You're like, this is locked down forever.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the version.

[Andrew Santino]

This is the one that they have that they get to see, not the one that I did last week that I kind of changed in Minneapolis that I liked a little bit. That. It hurts, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Hold hands again. Yeah, I completely know what you mean.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And the whole thing, when you're doing a special, it's all about that second show.

[Andrew Santino]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

You do the first one and you get it, then the nerves are gone. Then the second one, you maybe do it well, but maybe you don't.

[Andrew Santino]

Maybe you don't. And sometimes it just. No, it went good. It's just also.

[Pete Holmes]

It went well.

[Andrew Santino]

You know, I've told this story on another podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll just plug it then.

[Andrew Santino]

All right. I don't think he's doing it anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow. How apropo.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I think it was Ron Jeremy. I think he's in trouble. No, I didn't do his podcast. That's insane. I did. No, I.

[Pete Holmes]

And Jeremy in trouble.

[Andrew Santino]

He's in prison.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he?

[Andrew Santino]

What? You don't. Did that go over your head? Ron Jeremy is a bad, bad boy.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know anything.

[Andrew Santino]

Bad boy.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a bad boy.

[Andrew Santino]

He got in trouble.

[Pete Holmes]

Not like a Will Smith. Martin. Martin. Martin Sherent.

[Andrew Santino]

Martin Sheen. New movie. Martin Sheen. Will Smith coming out really good, called the Slapper. Slap him up. Smack him around. After I did my half hour for Comedy Central, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Cried like a baby. Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm still thinking about a Will Smith commercial parody called the Slapper, where he turns off the lights by slapping somebody twice.

[Andrew Santino]

Slapping Martin. Slap on.

[Pete Holmes]

Slap on The Slapper. It's a new millennium, and that's like.

[Andrew Santino]

That's a good Will Smith. Do it again.

[Pete Holmes]

That was bad.

[Andrew Santino]

No, it was a bad Will Smith.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody thought it was good.

[Andrew Santino]

It was a bad Will Smith.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't do. Jay Farrow just did this. He did Will Smith, and when he does it. You didn't know that Will Smith sounded.

[Andrew Santino]

Like something Will Smith sounds. How does Will Smith sound?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you remember I asked Katie to do it? I can't do Will Smith.

[Andrew Santino]

I can do that. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Big Willie style.

[Andrew Santino]

That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Not bad. Uncle Phil. Uncle Phil.

[Andrew Santino]

That's closer. Hey, Uncle Phil On Viv.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, I'm Viv.

[Andrew Santino]

Mm. Not as good.

[Pete Holmes]

Phil was better. Hot wings. I don't know Hooters.

[Andrew Santino]

That's what they do. Yes, they were sponsored by Hooters. Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Sponsored with sponsored by Hooters. You know, my dad was so embarrassed to say Hooters back home when we drove. We were driving down one of those frontage roads and there was a Hooters over there. And he goes, make a left. The freeways up, it's. The old exit's closed. He says, you got to go over there by the. The chicken joint. And I was like, get out of the car. It was so annoying. And my mom was like, you're up.

[Pete Holmes]

There, you're playing Jisms.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, chicken joint. And he was like, well, I do. You know, the. The hood. Whatever it is. Like, whatever it is.

[Pete Holmes]

He acts like he doesn't know.

[Andrew Santino]

Liar. I cried after I did my half hour was what I was gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, tell me.

[Andrew Santino]

Because I hated every second of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Because. Because of that. No, I know who I did my half hour the same night as.

[Andrew Santino]

Who?

[Pete Holmes]

Ryan Stout. Keep going.

[Andrew Santino]

Did you really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I think it was all the pressure that finally gets left, you know, like took. It just falls. And then the moment you get off stage, you're. I was like, I hated every second of it, but I actually really liked.

[Pete Holmes]

It the way it came out.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but it just bummed me out for some reason. All the things make you.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you seen the movie Soul?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Remember when he plays with my favorite of the Pixar's.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want. I don't know why I'm whispering this, but I agree.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but because we're not allowed to say that because people will go, what are you racist? And you're like, yeah, but that has nothing to do with Soul.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't see that coming. I really didn't see the race thing coming in.

[Andrew Santino]

It's like naming. How many other black led Pixar movies are there?

[Pete Holmes]

I consider Nemo to be African American.

[Andrew Santino]

Name alone. Just the name alone. They go, Nemo.

[Pete Holmes]

Nemo sounds like one of the Jackson 5.

[Andrew Santino]

He does.

[Pete Holmes]

There is Tito. There is Michael. There is Nemo. We could never find Nemo.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, where is. He's never showing up for rehearsal. So stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

If this is the joke that brings us both down, fine.

[Andrew Santino]

Honestly, at this point, at this point.

[Pete Holmes]

Post Denver, you want to know who's.

[Andrew Santino]

Got a real disgusting sense of humor? Pete Holmes. He's out there doing Michael Jackson. Finding Nemo. Minority related. Poor joke. Trash taping is so hard is what I'm trying to say. It's just they. People don't get. Whenever somebody goes, oh, I didn't like the special, it just, blah, blah, blah. You're like, do you love the comic? Yeah, I like them. I just didn't like the special. It's like, well, then just hold on to the fact that you like the comic. Because specials are so hard to formulate.

[Pete Holmes]

Completely agree.

[Andrew Santino]

They're just so difficult for me.

[Pete Holmes]

And I want to hear you.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm always trying to optimize the Pete that shows up the night of the special. But really, at the end of the day, the older I get, the more I realize I'm not in control. And there really is a dice, a roll of the dice element to, like, boy, I can try to get psyched up and get excited or whatever, but if there's just something, it could be food, it could be sleep, it could be sex, it could be no sex, it could be a nap that went a little too long. And now I'm on stage going, I'm. I don't care. I walk.

[Andrew Santino]

You want to do that a little bit. That's why I feel like we kind of want to. You want to stop sometimes because you're like, oh, it's so much goes into it. And I know it's like, oh, you're crying. Oh, you little. Stand up. No, but honestly, I don't think people get how safe.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so difficult during the pandemic. Oh, no, during the Sandemic. That's what it was.

[Andrew Santino]

I created it during the Sandemic. Ladies and gentlemen, the Sandemic.

[Pete Holmes]

The Sandemic is huge. Andrew Santino, huge.

[Andrew Santino]

You have to get a Santino shot.

[Pete Holmes]

It's huge.

[Andrew Santino]

It's huge.

[Pete Holmes]

It's huge. Whiskey, ginger. I don't drink. I just have the whiskey. I mean, the ginger.

[Andrew Santino]

Imagine, he just. He listens to my podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

He loves it.

[Andrew Santino]

Love the show. Too many gays on there. Too many gays and non whites.

[Pete Holmes]

Too many.

[Andrew Santino]

He's like the Snake from. What's that movie where he's the.

[Pete Holmes]

Aladdin.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, Aladdin. That little sneaky snake.

[Pete Holmes]

The little sneaky snake. We're also Serpentor.

[Andrew Santino]

Serpentor.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, Serpentor? Was Serpentor Italian?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, he had to be.

[Pete Holmes]

Sergento. And Serpentor is the man who serves you the pizza.

[Andrew Santino]

Serpento.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, bring in Serpentor, please. Did you see that? He looked like Liberace. He's wearing a golden snake and he.

[Andrew Santino]

Plays the piano with his head.

[Pete Holmes]

And he spoke with kind of like a snaky lisp.

[Andrew Santino]

He did.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying Liberace had a Snaky Lisp.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes, he did.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

No, he didn't. Do you remember Liberace? What? He sounded like.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody knows what Liberace name a Liberace song. Let me.

[Andrew Santino]

Liberace Candelabra.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that a. I have no idea. Neni Ring Piano Candelabra. That's his hit? Yeah, that was his thing, the lottering, fancy piano playing.

[Andrew Santino]

Can we talk about Ojai?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Boy, oh, boy, is that cool that you live up there.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Andrew Santino]

It's so neat.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm pleased.

[Andrew Santino]

There's one other friend I have that lives up there.

[Pete Holmes]

Who? Michael McDonald. The singer?

[Andrew Santino]

No, the comedic actor. I know, I know. It's a. That's a tough name. It's a tough name. Hey, Pete. What are you doing up in Ohi land?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know you had a 10 out of 10. Michael McDonald. Can I tell you one of my.

[Andrew Santino]

Good to see you, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

This. This was one of my earliest bits. Was. Do you think Mike McDonald, after he lays down the track, goes out and was like, I can't do it nearly as well.

[Andrew Santino]

Do you think that was real good.

[Pete Holmes]

Who wants to go have his own?

[Andrew Santino]

He lives up by you. My buddy, Michael McDonald, he was on Mad TV. You remember him?

[Pete Holmes]

I. I bet the second I see him, I'll remember him and I'll write a note.

[Andrew Santino]

He's. He stayed up there for a while.

[Pete Holmes]

Jay Larson was just there and he told me. Another comedian that lives up in Ohio. But, dude, I'm gonna tell you one thing because I'm. I'm interested that you. You're into it.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There'S a lot of energy in this town.

[Andrew Santino]

Too much.

[Pete Holmes]

And it turns out that I'm very sensitive to the energy and when I get out of it, very good for pd.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I think that's a good, healthy way to look at my buddy. Just was on the phone with my buddy and he was saying how he stopped all social media, and he was like, I'm done. I was like, no way. He's like, I'm done.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm also off social media.

[Andrew Santino]

But he deleted all of it. It's all gone.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I just hired someone to run it for me. And please do follow me.

[Andrew Santino]

So, you know, he's all done what Jake is posting, and I understand that. Just be done with it. Sometimes I think we're moving into a really interesting time. What I. What we were saying before about the time of stand up, I think stand up's lost its. The hum is different now. And so, like, the cultural hum is.

[Pete Holmes]

You Turn the machine on and it goes like.

[Andrew Santino]

When stand up was at its peak culturally with like. Like fun. Hum. Socially. It was like hum dumpster. And now it's just like. It's too much like.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I looked to Katie who was listening.

[Andrew Santino]

It is a little over. Everything feels like heavy handed now. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's the earth. It's everything that's happening.

[Andrew Santino]

It's hard for us to talk about it when you're like everything's kind of annoying and blech and craziness.

[Pete Holmes]

It could be. Look, I think.

[Andrew Santino]

And parasocial relationships are ruining us. Tell me we're done.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Andrew Santino]

In person contact has become so odd now because parasocial relationships. Everyone is your friend on the Internet.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I. Here's a new bet. New prem. Give it to me premise.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a pellet. Val has a peloton.

[Andrew Santino]

I was gonna say you don't know about peloton.

[Pete Holmes]

Old homes. He started using it though, because Val doesn't like it.

[Andrew Santino]

Why didn't she like it?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, she was trying to ride it like a real bike.

[Andrew Santino]

She did. She.

[Pete Holmes]

Was holding onto the backs of cars and getting some good speed going to Milanese.

[Andrew Santino]

Just metal scraping on the car.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Val. It's a stationary bike. And then she pulls out a pen and she's like, I know. Not that stationary.

[Andrew Santino]

She's doing admin work while she's on the peloton.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what the screen is for.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, of course.

[Pete Holmes]

But old homy Old homesy has a peloton and a tonal and both of those are things that.

[Andrew Santino]

What are tonal?

[Pete Holmes]

Tonal is like a peloton but for weights. Yeah, I love it actually. You'd like a yol.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, you tonal. Is it plugged into the wall or connected to the wall? I've seen those. That's cool.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a. It's like one of those mirror screens.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah. And you can move them any way you want. And how strong could you have to be to to.

[Pete Holmes]

It goes up to 200 something. 200 pounds.

[Andrew Santino]

That's pretty good for a wall thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's also heavier than that because it's. It's. Each arm is independent. I could. This is.

[Andrew Santino]

How about this though? I know you didn't put it up. You had somebody put it up.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't put it up yourself.

[Andrew Santino]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Tonal policy. It's tonal's policy. You can't install it yourself. They won't let you do it. You can't Check the box. I'm Bob Vila. I will install this myself.

[Andrew Santino]

What if he wants to? What if Bob Villa wants to. So they send. But they send a demon to your house.

[Pete Holmes]

Listen, if you're going to put something on your wall, into the studs, and then all you're ever going to do to that thing is try to pull it off the wall with all your force, you might be a redneck. You're gonna. You're gonna want to make sure. You're gonna want to make sure it's on there secure. Yeah, that's. That's a million lawsuits waiting to happen. So they make it sound like they're doing you a nice thing, like white glove installations included. But really, it's like no lawsuit installation is included.

[Andrew Santino]

Palatine got in trouble. Trouble. That's because they don't have any installation. They're like. They deliver it to you, and you're like. You put it together.

[Pete Holmes]

And also, people go too hard on it.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I think. What? Like a little kid got really? Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw.

[Andrew Santino]

There's no safety mechanism to stop it from getting someone caught in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What would that look like, a mosquito net over it? Some sort of netting?

[Andrew Santino]

You guys don't have kid cages at the house? It's just mobile cages that you move around objects that you don't want them to touch.

[Pete Holmes]

You put it around everything. The fridge, if he's. If he's snacking too much. We put a kid.

[Andrew Santino]

Total policy. Kid cages. Sometimes you leave a kid inside.

[Pete Holmes]

I am Serpentor.

[Andrew Santino]

I am Serpentor.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

We found out Donald Trump is actually Serpentor, the snake for the pimento cheese.

[Pete Holmes]

Maker from the Italian Liberace. Gold snake, man. From GI Joe of the 80s. This whole time, it turns out that was Donald Trump. It was Serpentor. I was also Cobra Commander. Beautiful mask.

[Andrew Santino]

Gosh. Let people see more than we know, I guess.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, true. And he was also Dr. Claw.

[Andrew Santino]

Go back. So, Ojai.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Andrew Santino]

You walk around Ojai.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to tell you the bit. Then we'll get back to Ohio. Don't forget. We won't forget Ojai.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay, here's the bit. Because I'm so interested in it when.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm on the peloton.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're like, crank it up to 50. Put the resistance to 50.

[Andrew Santino]

Is that £50 of.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I don't know what. What it is.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, it's a fake. It's in.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a number. It's. It's. A normal resistance would be 35 would be like a moderate.

[Andrew Santino]

That funny. That number means nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

It means nothing.

[Andrew Santino]

But they're allowed to just. They can start at 400.

[Pete Holmes]

So did the Mayans. Making up zero.

[Andrew Santino]

Bullshit.

[Pete Holmes]

Some guys drinking chocolate goes, what if there's a number that means no numbers? And they're like, this guy genius. Let's play elbow ball and kill the.

[Andrew Santino]

Team that loses the Mayan Italians. This guy's a genius.

[Pete Holmes]

There was one Italian in every culture for sure. Oh, my God. We should be worshiping cats over here. That was Egypt. I'm going over the river of death over here.

[Andrew Santino]

Why don't you do me a favor and build yourself a great wall?

[Pete Holmes]

If it's so great, where's the mozzarell? Does it keep my mother in law out? No, she's a saint. She's the same. I love her.

[Andrew Santino]

I love you, Mary. I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

I love you, Mary. And you're all Mary. Let's be clear. You're all. Every one of you is Mary.

[Andrew Santino]

Crank it up to 50.

[Pete Holmes]

The peloton person so old Holmes is sweating. This is important, okay? I try to do. Did you know 30 minutes of cardio is as effective as Prozac? I'm screaming. This is from the.

[Andrew Santino]

Is that real?

[Pete Holmes]

I just had my brain scan and the doctor was like, if you elevate your heart rate for 30 minutes, it's the same as me putting you on Prozac.

[Andrew Santino]

What if I plummet it down below? What does that do when I get.

[Pete Holmes]

If you don't move at all? That's the same as being on Vicodin.

[Andrew Santino]

Old Sanny loves Vicodin.

[Pete Holmes]

Eating a bag of Jacks, that's Vicodin.

[Andrew Santino]

So you gotta juice up your mind for 30 minutes a day.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

So I. Juicing up the bod I get.

[Pete Holmes]

I got it's. It's a good anti deprix. So I get on it for anti deprive.

[Andrew Santino]

Got it.

[Pete Holmes]

And the teacher who is a video. This is your parasocial relationship thing. I know she's not really there. So when she goes, let's crank it up to 40. I just come now. I go, I'm. I'm already sweating. I'm getting a workout. Why. Why would I listen to a. It would. It would be like listening to a YouTube video.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, see, I'm such an idiot. I would do it.

[Pete Holmes]

You would.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, my God. I'm cranking. I'm afraid she's going to know I didn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

You are going to be ranked lower at the end of it.

[Andrew Santino]

And I'm just going to go, well, then. I see.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why you fit. That's why you fit, because you a Kringus. Well, also, I'm calling you a Kring.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm a Kring.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the clickbait.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm Kring.

[Pete Holmes]

I call you a Kringus, you storm out. Do me a favor. I could use the Internet heat. Storm out. You fucking. You call me a Kringas. There it is. Put PeteHomes.com on the screen with the tour dates.

[Andrew Santino]

I would listen to.

[Pete Holmes]

You would listen to it. That's why you're fit.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I got mad at the. I got mad. I did Orange Theory. Bad. I'm not plugging, but I did Orange Theory.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that a philosophy class you taught?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, it's my philosophy class. The Theory of Life by an Orangeman. No, it's like a, it's like a social workout class. And you do, you do rowing and biking and lifting and all this stuff. And they put your stuff up on the screen and people aren't finishing the workouts, so it's not your level of like heart rate and output and calories burned. They want to be first. So they want to be done first. But it'll be like, you know, 35 up downs and then 15 seconds sprint and then. But people aren't doing 35 up downs or they're not doing a row for two minutes. They're doing a row for half a minute.

[Pete Holmes]

Why wouldn't it?

[Andrew Santino]

Because they want to be done before everybody else. Oh. It doesn't. Because it doesn't tell. It'll. It can't clock, like, how many push ups or sit ups that you do. It's only clocking your heart rate and calories burned. But they want to be moved up in the timing of, like, how quickly they're moving on to the next station.

[Pete Holmes]

So they say they're done.

[Andrew Santino]

Yep. And it bothered me so much. And so I never went back again because I was like, I'm doing every single one. And I was more fit than almost everyone in the class.

[Pete Holmes]

Well.

[Andrew Santino]

And they were all way ahead of me. Time wise. I was like, that's impossible.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they figured out how to cheat.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, they were cheating the system. And then it worked. And then they, then they just, they felt better about being in first because they couldn't physically be in first. Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

To me, once I'm sweating, I just want to stay sweating and stay efforting. Is that a word?

[Andrew Santino]

No, but you're efforting. So here you are efforting out. You're sweating And Val is cheering you on.

[Pete Holmes]

And Val is there. She's cooking a pot roast. I'm like, honey, not now. And I go, as long as I'm getting a workout, I'm fine. But some people would listen to the robot.

[Andrew Santino]

I listen to the robot.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't listen to the robot.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but that's why you're in Ojai.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Andrew Santino]

And that's why I'm still in the madhouse of Los Angeles.

[Pete Holmes]

The robot told the robot.

[Andrew Santino]

The robot has told me to stay right put even.

[Pete Holmes]

Like the. When the watch is like, close your circles, I'm like, eat a shit, dick. Like, I don't. I don't fucking work for you, sir.

[Andrew Santino]

Your dick. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

I love a dick, man. It's actually horseshit.

[Andrew Santino]

Is it really?

[Pete Holmes]

It's mostly hay.

[Andrew Santino]

It's better for you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not even gross. It's just fiber. It worked for the horse. It's not only fiber, it's fiber that, you know, worked.

[Andrew Santino]

It worked.

[Pete Holmes]

It cleaned out that horse. You eat it. Shape of a dick. You shit it.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Human centipede.

[Andrew Santino]

Cut to the shit dick commercial, please. 1999 self a shitdick.

[Pete Holmes]

Whiskey, ginger whiskey.

[Andrew Santino]

16% off.

[Pete Holmes]

I sometimes say 10% added to your bill. So, yeah, we got out. Do you and the lady think about getting out? And I really do want to know if you're gonna quit. Stand up, because this is. That's a hot top.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't think I'm gonna. I just think I want to walk for a while. Just want to get it. I just. Meanwhile, I'm supposed to do New Year's Eve, but that's like a party show.

[Pete Holmes]

New Year's.

[Andrew Santino]

You know what I mean? Yeah. New Year's Rock and me and Dick Clark. He's back.

[Pete Holmes]

He's back.

[Andrew Santino]

They just have him propped up. We got Bernie's.

[Pete Holmes]

Almost no effort. Almost no effort.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm doing a New Year show in Boston. I'm doing New Year's Eve just because I was like, that'll be a fun. Yeah, it. Those things are wild and stupid and fun. But. But I was like, I don't want to do any dates for a while. Like, literal dates for a while. I also have nothing. I don't have anything. I dumped everything. And I vowed that I'm not gonna do any of that stuff ever again after the taping. I'm done. People are like, well, you can still do it before that comes out. And I'm literally done. I said to myself, mentally, don't over any of that stuff again.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I do think there's. You need to have some infinite potential. You need some spaciousness is what Rob told me too. You need some, like, wide open, like free falling, not. Not knowing what you're gonna do. And then something exciting will enter your life.

[Andrew Santino]

I also had a depressive week because I wanted this to be a part of this project. And I don't think it's gonna happen anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Which one?

[Andrew Santino]

It's a movie that's gonna be back in the works, and I don't want to talk bad stuff about it. I'll tell you off camera, but it's a. There's something that happened and I was like, man, I really. I wanted to be a part of this for seven years.

[Pete Holmes]

Back in the works. It feels like a clue. Stop or my mama will shoot again.

[Andrew Santino]

How do you know?

[Pete Holmes]

I knew.

[Andrew Santino]

It's twins.

[Pete Holmes]

Twins too.

[Andrew Santino]

Twins too.

[Pete Holmes]

This time they're identical.

[Andrew Santino]

This time because the face swap technology.

[Pete Holmes]

They can put Arnie's face on Danny Vito's body. Like, ah, I'm tiny. Look at me. Look at my lats. They're small. Like, I would eat that. I would eat that in between. What's that?

[Andrew Santino]

Now do devito.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the veto. I'm little. Now do Arnie as Oni?

[Andrew Santino]

No, as Danny.

[Pete Holmes]

But they're both Arnie.

[Andrew Santino]

They're both Arnie. Yeah, well, they're both his voice.

[Pete Holmes]

But Danny DeVito. Let me try.

[Andrew Santino]

Impossible.

[Pete Holmes]

Hahaha. Hot wings.

[Andrew Santino]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

Hot wings. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I slapped you, Danny DeVito. I'm sorry. Now I'm doing Will Smith. Doing Muhammad Ali.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm the greatest. I'm the millennium. This is nightmare.

[Andrew Santino]

This is the wild.

[Pete Holmes]

People don't know me. Only as Wild Wild west in the album Millennium.

[Andrew Santino]

That's the only one he did.

[Pete Holmes]

No Big Willy style.

[Andrew Santino]

Fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Y' all in it.

[Andrew Santino]

Parents just don't understand.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't understand. And Mike Tyson. I fought Mike Tyson. Remember that one? Oh, yeah. One punch is all it took. Hit me in my ribs and my inside shook. How could I say this? By being discreet. Let's just say my bouts released. He was a clean. He was a clean. Classy.

[Andrew Santino]

Will we ever have another clean rapper again?

[Pete Holmes]

That's a good question. These things swing. You're talking about the cha cha cha cha cha of the. I sometimes wonder, are we heading towards a regression? Not a regression. Like it's bad backwards. I mean, like, are people gonna be like, let's just keep it simple. I just want a good time. Rapper.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, they find it in other places, right? Like. Like, boy bands are back. BTS is like, that's. Yeah, that's. They're the biggest in the world.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And they are a. Just give me something light to chew on.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. When comedy was like this, where I was like, let me tell you, I had a glass of water. Really? I should say the glass of water had me. Right? The people in the audience. One woman's ear was, like, falling off. A guy had his last nickel. He decides to eat it. He's, like, just washing it down with his last sip of seltzer. Everybody had ties that were too short, Pants that were made. Made out of hay. What I'm saying is, times were rough. Like, times being rough isn't new. Right. And the rougher things get, the more you want someone that's just gonna, like, deny reality and be like streaks on the china. Never met him before. Like, we're gonna see a lot of this with the hat like that. Because we don't want to go. A lot of us don't want to go out and have people be like, you see the doomsday clock? It's at 11:59. We don't, like, Shut up.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just sing the theme song to Mr. Velvet here. Streaks on the china. Never met him. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

People just don't want to feel like it's over, even though it is. Is it? Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You think?

[Andrew Santino]

I think it's coming to a close.

[Pete Holmes]

Then why are you sweating anything? I have a bit of.

[Andrew Santino]

Because I'm. I think I need to go out with anxiety.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to keep riding it?

[Andrew Santino]

Because I feel like. Like if a plane is crashing.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep watching the movie.

[Andrew Santino]

What's the last two words that you say? Planes crashing. You're in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you.

[Andrew Santino]

Thank you. See, there you go. And I say. Knew it. Knew it as. Knew it. Because all my anxiety will have. It will have come to fruition.

[Pete Holmes]

Pitch. We cut to the exterior of the plane as it goes into a mountain. Called it.

[Andrew Santino]

It's faint. It's faint.

[Pete Holmes]

Brought to you by Orange theory. These people aren't doing the crunch. I actually.

[Andrew Santino]

I need to start letting it go, but I feel like my plate is so full, it's stupid. I'm putting too much on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's. That's the Ohio of it. Is like when Sandman.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, when a little less. When a little more grass and clouds and stars. Not just Ojai, but, like, your Ojai. Your Thing.

[Andrew Santino]

I guess I wanted it to be soon, but LA is a fickle mistress. It's just gross. It does this thing to you, but it's so gross. It's like, you know what? Los Angeles as a city is a. Is the. Is a casino. It adopts the exact same ideology as casinos.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Andrew Santino]

Where they're like, come on, look at all the. Look at all this money and shiny stuff. And you get here and you're like, hey, I'd like to play. And they're like, come on. And you play and you're like, oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Seinfeld's like, come on, come on, you gotta play.

[Andrew Santino]

You gotta play. Roulette.

[Pete Holmes]

Roulette. It spins. Black, red, black, red. Who bets?

[Andrew Santino]

Green.

[Pete Holmes]

Black. Don't bet green. Green never goes.

[Andrew Santino]

So I play it, you play it. And then as soon as you win even a little bit, even a minuscule amount, you win. And you're like, I'd like to go home with some of my winnings. And the casino's like, the fuck you will.

[Pete Holmes]

We're going to comp.

[Andrew Santino]

You're going to sit here in a free room.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And get more. You're like, I've got more. But you're losing as you're winning, and you're like, I feel like I'm losing all this stuff. And they're like, come on, you're in fudgeing Vegas, baby.

[Pete Holmes]

Seeing carrots and sticks. I'm going to tell you something.

[Andrew Santino]

That's how it feels.

[Pete Holmes]

I did Montreal, and I'm not even putting down Montreal. See, I'm even afraid to say this, but I'm going to say it. You, Montreal, like the 10th time. It's like the 10th time I've been.

[Andrew Santino]

To Montreal this past time. You just did it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was fun. Yeah, it's fine. It was fun and fine. And I was grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

And, you know. And then Bruce just turns off the podcast now.

[Pete Holmes]

He's, like, blacklisted. But then I remember. I won't say who it was, but I remember somebody was hosting a gala, and I was like, I bet you Sandman that they said, I don't want to go to Montreal. I'm done with it. Because they've probably been 20 times.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they said they're offering you a gala, Meaning that's what they do. You do it 10, 15 times. You have your moment of clarity where you're like, this is a casino. I keep trying to go home with my money. And you go, you know what? I'm Going home with my money. And not just money, but, like, I'm going home with these.

[Andrew Santino]

Whatever. Yeah. Whatever I need. I got something.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I don't mean cash. I just mean all of it.

[Andrew Santino]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

The livelihood and the experience. And you did it. You punched your ticket. You rang the bell. I think that's enough. Maybe I should just go sit by a fucking river. And they go.

[Andrew Santino]

I shrill burr, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Shrillburr.

[Andrew Santino]

This fire's so fucking hot. Peeking.

[Pete Holmes]

I swear. And I could be wrong, but that's when they go. My manager would go, they're offering you a gala, and then you have to go.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I'm saying? But you don't have much to go. No, no, no. I'm saying you don't have to go. But I'm saying that's. And I'm not even saying that's how they get you, but I'm agreeing with your point that there's a certain you. This is what they mean by selling your soul. You come, you ring a bunch of bells. You punch a bunch of tickets. A lot of your trains come in and you go, like. And now you hear about, like, Jeff Daniels lives in, like, fucking Montana. You hear about. There's. There's types that, like, sort of get out. And you're like, maybe I'll do that. And I know exactly what you mean. Then they go, like, but will. But do they have a no. Boo. You know what I mean? But do they have the Hollywood Bowl? They'll literally give you tickets. You're feeling a little sad. Guess who's coming to Hollywood Bowl. Ben Gibbet.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I just said I don't want to see him. Did I say Ben Gibbard? I said Soundgarden. Didn't he die?

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. That's the thing, is they keep tricking you with whatever they think is going.

[Pete Holmes]

To give you back, buddy. Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

So that's why you moved.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You got away from the casino.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it? I think so. And I want. I wanted to write a book about how every. Everything has, like, a secret, deep meaning to it. And one of the things is it. Actually, I saw it most recently in red Dead Redemption 2. But it's a. It's a trope.

[Andrew Santino]

A video game.

[Pete Holmes]

The video game. The game. The TV game. Yeah, the tv Handheld control monitor game. The monitor. No. Keyboard game.

[Andrew Santino]

I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Unless you play it on a PC.

[Andrew Santino]

And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Better frame rate, too. Yeah, Better frame rate. Better frame rate.

[Andrew Santino]

My graphics card is incredible.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a dedicated gaming PC. This is my dedicated pornography PC. This is my dedicated word processing PC. Okay. In Red Dead 2. What's his name? Did he play it?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Really, I. You were too busy lifting weights.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't play video games. I don't know why.

[Pete Holmes]

You're fine.

[Andrew Santino]

I'd like to.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, stop it.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's another casino.

[Andrew Santino]

Do you know what I do instead of playing video games?

[Pete Holmes]

Jacket.

[Andrew Santino]

I sit there sometimes and just think about playing video games. I'll just sit there for hours going, God, I should be playing video games.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. You know. You're kidding. But you know what I do now that I have a baby instead of playing video games? YouTubes of other people playing video games.

[Andrew Santino]

That's so. The people love watching.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Andrew Santino]

Esports.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I don't watch necessarily, just live footage of people playing, but I'll just. I'll watch, like, what's that game? Like? And they just kind of show you it. And I'm like, that was my game for today. So sad. It's actually not Sad. I'm fucking 43. It's not just my age. I found other things to fill my life.

[Andrew Santino]

Busy.

[Pete Holmes]

Not just busy. I'm fulfilled. I don't need. And I've also been to therapy. I used to play video games and, like, go ahead and shoot a bunch of headshots. And it was like, yeah, you haven't resolved your shit with your dad. So you're in Assassin's Creed, in a garden, in some kingdom, backstabbing every. Everybody.

[Andrew Santino]

You don't.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not even part of the mission. Because you're like, fuck you, Dad. I am a man. Like, I put that to bed. I don't need to play that simulation anymore.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The more you heal, the less entertainment there is.

[Andrew Santino]

That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

You can just sit and be like, I guess I'm a man. Here's my point. I think his name is Duke or Dwight or. It doesn't matter. Duke. People are yelling at their radios right now. Unrelated, they're listening to this podcast and the radio simultaneously.

[Andrew Santino]

It's so inefficient.

[Pete Holmes]

But the. The leader of the gang is always saying, one more job, and then we retire. You know that this is a trope in cowboy movies. Any villain. This is the last job. We're the movie, the town. We're gonna rob Fenway park, and then we retire. Because that's how the ego works. I'm not trying to get all. Pete Holmes is spiritual about this.

[Andrew Santino]

You do every time.

[Pete Holmes]

I know I do not every Time. Katie's been in every episode. She knows sometimes the guests. Homie, don't play that anyway. But that's what our ego does. We love those stories because we have a voice in our head that goes like, don't worry, baby. After Denver, we can finally put our feet up. But the fucking thing is, by the time you accrue enough wealth or means or access to get that life, all the work you did to get there has made you addicted to the work. You don't know who you are without it. So, of course, the rest of your Life, you'll be 75, going, like, one more big job. It's like, fuck off. At least be honest. Be like, I'm gonna do this till I die. That would be more honest.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, but we lie to ourselves.

[Andrew Santino]

But I might not do it till I die.

[Pete Holmes]

But that. Look, I'm not saying I figured out. I am saying we did make a break, and I know other people that have made a break, and it's made a difference. And I. I think it's. I still can come in and do sets. I can still come in and do this, of course.

[Andrew Santino]

But it also. But when everyone. Whenever I say, where am I going? And then I think, well, I don't know where I want to. I don't know where I want to even go. Like, Ojai is a thing you chose. Yeah, I don't choose Ojai. I don't not. I don't not. I just don't know if someone's like, throw a dart. Where do you want to go?

[Pete Holmes]

I can't tell you, buddy. I think, look, we're in a similar place. Home, home.

[Andrew Santino]

I'd love to go home.

[Pete Holmes]

Where's home?

[Andrew Santino]

Chicago.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to Chicago.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm not going there.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't go there.

[Andrew Santino]

But that's the thing is, I would love to go there, but I'm not going there. That's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. There will be blood.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If I saw that house, I think I would be sick to my stomach. Meaning you can't go home.

[Andrew Santino]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Because by the time you do all the things that you did to get away from home, it changes who you are, and you can't go home.

[Andrew Santino]

Can't go home.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't go home.

[Andrew Santino]

So let's pick a new place for me.

[Pete Holmes]

But what we're talking about at the beginning of this conversation and what we're talking about right now is not just, where should we live? It's what do we want, where are we going? And what is the feeling underneath it. You're talking about how the world might be over and a plane's crashing into a mountain, and you're like, knew it.

[Andrew Santino]

You knew it.

[Pete Holmes]

That might be a debilitating belief because there's, like, a despondency that's latching onto you that goes like, who cares? I should just grind this out because it's all fucking bullshit. Of course I'm stressed out. And Denver fucking sucked. I'm reading between the lines. Your new special sucks.

[Andrew Santino]

It does.

[Pete Holmes]

But you know what I mean, like, that's what Val was good for. For me.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I say to Val all the time, we walk around our place, and I'm like, if it weren't for you, I'd still be living in a cop's apartment in Hollywood.

[Andrew Santino]

Just like, don't you miss that cop's apartment, though?

[Pete Holmes]

He's still living in.

[Andrew Santino]

So much evidence. Everywhere, all the time. You can take this home. Take whatever you want.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't know how much coke was in that bag. Let me tell you something. My nose knows, and it's about 50%, but, you know, peering out our blinds, waiting till our set time. I get it. There's a romance to it. But at a certain point. So let's. Let's figure it out. What is. What. What do you want to do? What does your wife want to do? That's a good cl.

[Andrew Santino]

No, I think we. I think we both are on the same plane that we do want to. We do want to depart a little bit, but we just don't know where to go. We've kind of kicked around a million different ideas.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

We jokingly even said, go to New York. I was like, am I gonna really.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to New York to mix it.

[Andrew Santino]

Up just because I do love New York? And why not? I don't know. What's the difference?

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen the T shirt.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I made those. Those were mine.

[Pete Holmes]

Those are your. No. If you love New York, it says.

[Andrew Santino]

Andersantino, whiskey, ginger code. Whiskey for 10 off. I love New York. I heart New York. T shirts.

[Pete Holmes]

Add 10 to your metro card. But you do love. That was you.

[Andrew Santino]

How many times have you swiped a Metro card? And it gets. It doesn't go. And then you hit your hip on the turnstile and you look like such a dummy.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's called the New York bruise.

[Andrew Santino]

What an idiot I've done.

[Pete Holmes]

You live in New York. Show me your hip bruise.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, this guy's got a perfect line.

[Pete Holmes]

You could see it. I almost want to push it and go on the 2 train.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know where I want to go. I do know that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well. Do you get energized by. Do you like the feeling of being surrounded?

[Andrew Santino]

I think, I think the real reason I'm having all this, all these feelings post, post shooting the special is because all the build up to it and then also being in the thick. I got no time off before we started shooting the third season of Dave. We're in it now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And it feels overwhelming.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're burnt out.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, that's. It's all. It's just that, I mean, I'll feel remarkably different when this is done. I just know me when it's done. I'm just like, oh, I feel great again.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

But 14 hour days, it just gets to you. And then mentally, you know, you just get. You, you, you don't understand mental exhaustion the way you understand physical exhaustion as a human. Physical exhaustion I get. But mental exhaustion, you kind of don't register at all until your brain's like. And it starts to break.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Andrew Santino]

And then you're like, oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

If you can't lift something, you go, I need to rest. But if your brain is like not giving you the answer or the directions or helping you read, you're just like, come on, you fucking brain. You're absolutely right. Because it's a different kind of fatigue. It's the same thing with illness when you have the flu. Yeah, I got the flu, I gotta stay home. But if you're like mentally broken, it's hard to recognize. You can't take a thermometer to it.

[Andrew Santino]

And here's what's even more deep and kind of scary. Even when someone tells you that they recognize patterns, that you're having a mental thing, you still kind of deny it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Because you're like, you're in, you're. You're doing that, you're doing that. I didn't, I don't do that. You're saying, I'm being this way. And then until you actually have a point of self reflection when something happens, moment of clarity. Then you go, oh, do I always do that?

[Pete Holmes]

This is what's helpful with a partner too. I don't mean to say. Not everybody needs to have a partner. Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Some people look at flying solo. Some people love to fly. No, but it is. They really balance you out.

[Pete Holmes]

It's really not. Val said, here's my impression of Val. You be me. You come home from a set, you go, just sort of stunk. I don't think I Wanted to do stand up.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm Pete Holmes. Ready?

[Pete Holmes]

Go ahead. Okay. Very good. Very good. Hey, Val. I just got home from a set.

[Andrew Santino]

And it was a stinker. And Val just comes in on angel wings, and she's like, listen, Pete. Soft and sweet. All right, I'm Pete. Ready? I just. That set was terrible. I hated every second of it. I don't want to do stand up anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna have a great set tomorrow, and you're gonna come home and be like, stand up's the greatest thing. I'm never gonna stop doing it.

[Andrew Santino]

You're right. Let's eat dinner.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it. I know that's it.

[Andrew Santino]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

And I need that. You're talking about, like, here's what we want. When a doctor says you're doing this, or a therapist says you're doing this, we do resist it. But if you have a partner who's watching you all the time and is with you all the time and goes like, have you noticed you're a pretty black and white? Either stand up's the best thing in the world or it's the worst thing in the world. You go like, fuck. I can't say you're an incredible witness, because you're. You're always here.

[Andrew Santino]

You're seeing all of it.

[Pete Holmes]

You're seeing all.

[Andrew Santino]

But how often is it black and white? Or is it mostly. I love it. I love it. I love it. And then only sometimes, I can't stand it.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I.

[Andrew Santino]

What has it been for you? The last Pete and Friends show that you did.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Largo, I love you.

[Andrew Santino]

Tear the roof down. Everyone has a good time. Everyone's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Val and I. I told you on the drive down, we were talking about this, and we're like, maybe I should mix it up. I don't know what that means. I don't know how standup fits into that, but maybe we just gotta shake it up somehow. Not just modify and change the levels, but really redefine and think of something creatively exciting for me. Could be a TV show, could be.

[Andrew Santino]

Something I haven't done before, and I want to do something different. I hear you.

[Pete Holmes]

And she was like, okay, let's say, just as a thought experiment, you stop doing Santa. Neal Brennan comes and goes. I didn't realize you had started, Neil. Sorry. Somebody dropped a vegan cracker back here. I'm gonna be full for weeks. Why? On one of my dear friends. For being.

[Andrew Santino]

But it's so true.

[Pete Holmes]

For being thin.

[Andrew Santino]

It's so thin.

[Pete Holmes]

He's very thin.

[Andrew Santino]

That's where the crossroads restaurant reference comes from is that you're about to die. We'll see you at the crossroads, man. You show up, eat it. Eat a little bit more vegan food and you're barely making it out of this place.

[Pete Holmes]

Vegans, I really feel like that's only for me.

[Andrew Santino]

It's for you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my favorite restaurant.

[Andrew Santino]

And I'm sorry, I don't mean I'm not making fun of vegans because I know I'm going to get a lot of vegan hate online.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going to get a lot of hemps stationary. Coming to Whiskey ginger.

[Andrew Santino]

Can you imagine all the vegan trying to conjure up all that energy to yell at me?

[Pete Holmes]

But they just don't, you know I'm mostly vegan, right?

[Andrew Santino]

I know, I'm teasing.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's, you know, But I did, I did have eggs this morning. Because I'll tell you something, when you go to Ojai and you know the chicken that laid them, you don't feel as bad about eating them.

[Andrew Santino]

See, that's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

I just don't want to eat those eggs where it's 300,000 chickens in a box on top of each other and.

[Andrew Santino]

They'Re all cross eyed just farting out eggs all day long.

[Pete Holmes]

Please make me a meat one.

[Andrew Santino]

But when you have a normal one.

[Pete Holmes]

But when a normal one just happening, it does it right on your plate, it goes.

[Andrew Santino]

I think that's true. The way to eat meats is if you know them, know them.

[Pete Holmes]

If you know them, know them, know them.

[Andrew Santino]

Also. I, I, I saw a pig, a pet pig. A friend has a pet. A friend had a pet pig. And.

[Pete Holmes]

I just, I changed everything.

[Andrew Santino]

It made me shift my thoughts of bacon buddy. Because I was like, pigs are neat.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And this is mean. But cows, I've never seen a cow where I was like, oh, I shouldn't eat meat. Every time I see a cow, I'm like, we gotta get rid of these things. Possible.

[Pete Holmes]

Did I do this bit in Largo?

[Andrew Santino]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, there's pigs.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, either hooves. Hooves, yeah, hooves. Yes. That's my favorite. We don't eat dogs because they don't have hooves. That's the difference. Paws and hooves. Paws and hooves.

[Pete Holmes]

Picture a pig with paws. No way.

[Andrew Santino]

Cute. And especially by the way that like little, little tiny paws. The way they click.

[Pete Holmes]

I say, I think, I say about cows, it's too much like us. Like if you go, it's us.

[Andrew Santino]

If we bend us, it's us. If we just went on all fours.

[Pete Holmes]

I think there's a Chinese thing where they're like, if it has one leg, eat it as much as you want. Meaning a plant. If it has two legs, eat it. You know, moderate.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If it has three legs, what is it?

[Andrew Santino]

What is it? Well, definitely, this is an ancient Chinese text.

[Pete Holmes]

If it has three legs, what is it?

[Andrew Santino]

Please write below, if it has three legs, please indicate what it is. And if it has four legs, eat it. Rarely, Rarely. What if it has five legs?

[Pete Holmes]

I actually think if it has no legs. Fishy fish. It's interesting. The more legs you have. A spider. That's a cholesterol nightmare.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I was just going to say that's worse than a couple. That's worse than egg yolk spiders. Those things are just. Do you know the egg yolk spider, when you bite into it? Just little yellow thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody wanted that. Nobody wanted that. I'm editing that out.

[Andrew Santino]

Get it out. Get it my mind. And Katie gets it out.

[Pete Holmes]

No, Katie won't get it out.

[Andrew Santino]

Katie, is this annoying to sit and listen to all this?

[Pete Holmes]

What if. Oh, my God, Katie, what if you're over there going, like, I need to mix it up.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, she does.

[Pete Holmes]

She's like, I got not just reinvent. I need to like, infinite potential, blue sky.

[Andrew Santino]

And then where would you move, Katie, if you could move Monterey. Oh, my God, how beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

Monterey. Isn't that what killed Steve Irwin?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, boy. You can edit my joke out.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna edit out my dog.

[Andrew Santino]

Monterey is beautiful. I could see that. Is it California? Yeah, Northern. It's a. Anything up, how far it's between? It's like two hours south of San Francisco. It's like by Santa Cruz. It's so pretty, man.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go.

[Andrew Santino]

Half Moon Bay. It's a lot of elderly. The. It is really.

[Pete Holmes]

I love the elderly.

[Andrew Santino]

I love them. No, no, they're good to me. I did the San Francisco comedy competition and we did one show at the Half Moon. But you know who won? It was Brett Weinbach before we ever really, like, officially met. But he was like a beloved figure in San Francisco. And I went up there, way out of my league, too young in the game, didn't know what I was doing. And I watched him perform.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, forget it.

[Andrew Santino]

And I was like, I get it. I absolutely get where he is and why he is. And we were all. I mean, he was relatively new as well, but I don't know if he's from San Francisco or he's from the Bay Area, right? Am I Wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

He feels like he's from another planet.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, a comedy planet, but he. But no, I think he's.

[Pete Holmes]

That was actually a compliment, not a. What a weirdo. He's so good, he'll give you imposter syndrome.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I have that in spades. But that David Spades. Yeah, Kate.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I have sarcasm in David Spades. Okay. I mean, is it ready to go?

[Andrew Santino]

Don't let me say anything about David.

[Pete Holmes]

Classic David Spades. Punk ass frightening to you.

[Andrew Santino]

I'd probably say he was listening. I'd probably say.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you need a help?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Werewolf?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Frankenstein's monster.

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Vampire?

[Andrew Santino]

Not really.

[Pete Holmes]

Creature from the Black Lagoon.

[Andrew Santino]

Now we're getting warmer water. Yeah, water is yucky, weirdos.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you're in like a swamp that's already gross.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Swampy.

[Pete Holmes]

About to have sex. These people are always about to like bone in a swamp.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, swamps are hot.

[Pete Holmes]

Swamps are hot.

[Andrew Santino]

Something about taking your old lady down to the swamp for a little poke and choke.

[Pete Holmes]

I like about. I like a body of water that can fart. Swamps are always like.

[Andrew Santino]

I do like, I think that might be the scariest or the creepiest. Anything water related if it comes.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody likes it. Good choice.

[Andrew Santino]

I mean, it's very cool the way that they've constructed those creatures do make me afraid of them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

They look.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's the classic, like 1950s Creature from the Black Lagoon. Still as scary now as it was then.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. But werewolves? Nah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, werewolf I think is because I.

[Andrew Santino]

Know it's a guy under there.

[Pete Holmes]

But werewolf is the fear that deep down you are an animal.

[Andrew Santino]

Right. That's the creature the Black Lagoon is.

[Pete Holmes]

He's just. I'm here to eat.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, he's an experiment gone wrong, you know, that's just when.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

When Halliburton is dumping chemicals into a pond. That's what comes from.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Andrew Santino]

So that, that's, you know, that's like, wow. That's actually. They constructed that.

[Pete Holmes]

Say something weird.

[Andrew Santino]

Give it.

[Pete Holmes]

I find Nessie to be off. Off putting.

[Andrew Santino]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Here's what I'm gonna say to you.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna put you in a Tylenol capsule.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. I'm looking at it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's as big as you thumb.

[Andrew Santino]

And you can.

[Pete Holmes]

You can breathe in it though. And now I'm gonna drop it. It's also weighted on the bottom like a. Like one of those inflatable so you can't knock it over. I'm gonna drop you into the Loch Ness. But here's the twist.

[Andrew Santino]

Got it.

[Pete Holmes]

Nessie's real. And you're just gonna wait in the murky darkness for like.

[Andrew Santino]

Not scared.

[Pete Holmes]

Not scared.

[Andrew Santino]

First of all, a water dinosaur. I bet you. Not not scared. I bet you a water dinosaur.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not picturing it big enough.

[Andrew Santino]

She's a water dinosaur. And first of all, she's a female.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. So you think you can charm her?

[Andrew Santino]

Well, she feels my fear and she immediately starts to go. She emotionally is more.

[Pete Holmes]

She's gonna be one of these.

[Andrew Santino]

Tell me another creature. The night. Like that. That's if it's inherently a female.

[Pete Holmes]

Mothra?

[Andrew Santino]

No. Werewolf guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Bigfoot guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Creature from the Black.

[Andrew Santino]

Rogoon guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Frankenstein's monster guy. Made a guy.

[Andrew Santino]

So the only one is Ness. Because old Nessie is a sensitive. This is the misconception that people have that she's this evil lake dwelling creature. She's just a sweet leftover from an era from millions of years ago. And she just wants to live and chill out and roam.

[Pete Holmes]

That's her Ojai.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. That's her fucking Ohio. That lake is her Ojai.

[Pete Holmes]

And a bunch of nerds. Keep going.

[Andrew Santino]

Just leave her alone.

[Pete Holmes]

Leave her alone.

[Andrew Santino]

She got out. But the other ones have real issues.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The other ones want to kill you.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes. She doesn't want to kill it. She's never had one instance where someone's like, they. She wrapped the boat and broke it in half. It didn't happen.

[Pete Holmes]

What about this?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Giant squid. I'm gonna say where you are now, you're not in a Tylenol. You're on a seafaring vessel. You're on like an old, old wooden ship.

[Andrew Santino]

Scared out of my mind.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Too many hands. So many hands. It's just. It just can do so many things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You think it's doing this, but really it's over here to be like that.

[Andrew Santino]

I also don't. It can lift you up and look at you while it's about to kill you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. As you go towards that tiny. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Like that.

[Pete Holmes]

That gay.

[Andrew Santino]

Yucks me out.

[Pete Holmes]

An octopus is the animal embodiment of when people come up to you and they tap ears.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. It's so stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

They're.

[Andrew Santino]

That it is.

[Pete Holmes]

They're that.

[Andrew Santino]

So. But. But I found a common theme. I'm being serious.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

These are all man related, creepy ones.

[Pete Holmes]

As long as it's not Nessie you're afraid.

[Andrew Santino]

Nessie's the only one that I think gives me actual comfort. If I was lost in a big, big lake.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

And Nessie came up. I Would try to imitate her, to let her know I come in peace.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

Kind of like they did an arrival.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Whatever makes her.

[Pete Holmes]

How much respect would you lose for me if I didn't understand the end of arrival? I did. I'm being real. It's really important that you were lost on it. Yeah. But if I was like. If you and I saw it together and I was just like, I.

[Andrew Santino]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't understand.

[Andrew Santino]

I'd be like, p. Can I see your phone? And I go to my number and I just delete my number and hand it back to you and walk away.

[Pete Holmes]

Honestly. Here's another question.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, wait, hold on. Before we go forward. I have a friend that. I have a friend that. Touchdown. I have a friend that walked out. You guys saw everything everywhere, all at once.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

I have a friend that walked out of that movie.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's.

[Andrew Santino]

And. And I was in shock. And it changed my ideas of him because I was like, what didn't you like? He's a really, like, keen guy. And I was like, what is. And he's like, I think it was overkill. And then I started to think was I just sold on it so much that I didn't notice that it was overkill.

[Pete Holmes]

Sandman. I'm an agreeable mup. Right. But I saw that movie.

[Andrew Santino]

You hated it.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Andrew Santino]

You loved him.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Andrew Santino]

You were okay with that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And if Val had said, let's go. You know the part I'm talking about when she's walking past everyone. Yeah. Don't give it away. Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And around the time when they're like the.

[Andrew Santino]

When they're smoking pot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, but the. Let's just say the round thing.

[Andrew Santino]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

If she. Because it's an overwhelming movie by design.

[Andrew Santino]

It's heavy.

[Pete Holmes]

And if Val was like, you know what? This is too much. I would have happily gone to Cheesecake Factory.

[Andrew Santino]

That's a yard house next door. No, it's no longer cheesecake where you're talking about, but, yeah, it's a yard. Well, come on, man. It's 32 ounce beers. What are you gonna do? What, are you gonna knock at the yard? I'll be right back, you guys.

[Pete Holmes]

The alcoholic is so charming. What are you gonna knock at? The 68 ounce beer?

[Andrew Santino]

Come on, it's three feet of booze. You need it. I'll be back with those poppers.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say this as someone who stopped drinking everyone who thinks no one knows I've been drinking? Yes, we do.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. But I used to be one of those people that was like, it's my slippery little secret. And it's like, no, it wasn't like everyone. As soon as you're like, I won't say who it was, but there was somebody who was drunk near me recently and was like, do you know that's a count dad jokes? And I was like, you're drunk. Like, it was immediately clear no.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, boy. The way you recoil when somebody says no. What? Like you have to back up to think about it in your brain needs.

[Pete Holmes]

More air time you put a match in front of them. What it is not. Weed is also hard to get away with.

[Andrew Santino]

No, actually, I am.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going to say, disagree.

[Andrew Santino]

I just.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to throw down the draw. 4. Are we playing Uno?

[Andrew Santino]

Honestly, I've been around some good friends and I don't know that they're stoned anymore. And maybe I've lost my spidey senses.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that.

[Andrew Santino]

Because I actually quit smoking pot.

[Pete Holmes]

I also quit brain scan. And they were like, stop smoking pot. And I barely.

[Andrew Santino]

Wait, really? You had something wrong with the old noggin?

[Pete Holmes]

I just wanted to see if I had add. By the way, this brain scan, I've been talking a lot about it.

[Andrew Santino]

80 bucks use promo code. You made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's actually my point. It's prohibitive. I love to say things are prohibitively expensive. It's just such a fun. Prohibitively. That's prohibitively expensive. It was like $5,500.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, my. Well, yeah, those machines got a pocket.

[Pete Holmes]

For sure, but, like, what the fuck? Why do you have to be. Why do you have to have $5,000? Just that you don't need. If you want to know if you have add. This is some bullshit.

[Andrew Santino]

Is there another way to find out if you have add?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Did you walk out of everything everywhere all at once?

[Andrew Santino]

You got add?

[Pete Holmes]

You might be a redneck with add. If you can't follow this joke, you might be a redneck with add.

[Andrew Santino]

It is true, though, that you being healthy has everything to do with how much you can afford to be healthy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna go back to our muscle talk.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you can, like, pay someone to make you work out and go and get, like, clean, good food.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but it's a bell curve, isn't it? I found out that people that are making good money, they get in good shape and they eat very well and they live a good, healthy life. And then when they get too much money.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Andrew Santino]

They get remarkably out of shape and ugly and gross and Sad and fat and miserable because they have too much. They have everything they've ever wanted. The richest people I know are some of the most out of shape, out of touch.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Andrew Santino]

Because they have time, they have everything. They have all the things. They don't need it, they don't want it, they're miserable.

[Pete Holmes]

Another premise coming at you.

[Andrew Santino]

Give it, give it, give it.

[Pete Holmes]

I was talking about a fancy friend and I was like having dinner with them and I knew that they had had dinner the previous night with like, Elon Musk. That's. Yeah, it might as well be Elon Musk. And you're like, how do you compete with someone who. The previous. You're where Elon was. Now I am just going like. And Val says she wants bunnies. Like, it's. I had the same feeling. I had lunch with Dane Cook. Pennies dropped. That's what British people say for name dropping.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you knew.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Spread them, slut. You're a little slut. I know it. You whore bag. That's why you wanted me to come back to this dungeon. As soon as Katie leaves, I'm fucked. Pennies drop. Wait, you and Dane had lunch or dinner?

[Pete Holmes]

Dane and I had a lunch.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It might have been breakfast.

[Andrew Santino]

Let me guess.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Where we went.

[Andrew Santino]

Sweet Corn Grill.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't remember where it was.

[Andrew Santino]

It was a good guess though, isn't it?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a good guess.

[Andrew Santino]

It seems like a middle ground.

[Pete Holmes]

Jones on third.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, not for me.

[Andrew Santino]

That's probably my second guess. Chinese chicken salad.

[Pete Holmes]

Every time I've gone, is it called Jones?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, Jones on third. Joanne.

[Pete Holmes]

Every time I've been to Jones on third, I'm like, this is. Sorry. Jonesonthird.com weird for 10 off your bill. It's weird to. On a sponsor like this, but every time I've been there, I'm like, why is Larry David here? You know what I mean?

[Andrew Santino]

I'll tell you exactly why.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me why.

[Andrew Santino]

Places like this have captivated. There is a subculture in restaurant there, in restaurant culture of Los Angeles where once you've kind of made it through the time, you've lasted long enough. If you've lasted long enough in this town, there's a subculture where it's cool to go because it's kind of. Because LA has no history other than real la.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

But Hollywood has no history in terms of like, you know, every fucking four days there's a new restaurant, a new bar, a new thing. Yeah, Right. So because of that, if you've lasted just long Enough people are like, it's cool to go to that. Because I used to go to that seven years ago when I first came here. 100% like cantors. Exactly. The food is not good.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's weird about cantors? Not one Jewish singer.

[Andrew Santino]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that what a cantor is? Even Katie didn't get it. And she's chosen.

[Andrew Santino]

I got it. I think it's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Do not disturb. Hans.

[Andrew Santino]

Are you Jewish?

[Pete Holmes]

Still getting the calls.

[Andrew Santino]

You know why I knew?

[Pete Holmes]

Because you.

[Andrew Santino]

Because I trusted you. You made the most like it. You think it's going to be anti Semitic. You flip it on their head.

[Pete Holmes]

You know?

[Andrew Santino]

You know how I know you're Jewish? Because I enjoyed your company.

[Pete Holmes]

Then you have to go, hi, Andrew Santino. Like, that's how it goes. You know? I know you're a bunch of Jews.

[Andrew Santino]

That's reverse. Roddy Dangerfield.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. You're the best looking sons of I've ever seen high end.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm Rodney Safety Field. You know why I know you're a Jew? Because you're pleasant.

[Pete Holmes]

Rodney Safe Safety Field. I tell you, I get just enough respect. Not more than others, not less than some. I'm feeling pretty good about my prospects.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, look at that hat. Looks good on you. Genuinely great outfit.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice shirt. Clearly it does come in your size. Rodney Safety Field.

[Andrew Santino]

Such a good fun bit. Rodney. Say, this is what's good about when you and I get together.

[Pete Holmes]

When you and I.

[Andrew Santino]

We can only do these bits on a podcast. You can't do that live because you'd be so embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's my impression of Rodney Saffield. The comedies are what if there was a guy named Rodney Safety Field.

[Andrew Santino]

Bring out Anthony Jessel.

[Pete Holmes]

Nick, you are correct. Do you want to hear my Anthony Justin joke?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell it any chance I get.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I'm like, it is.

[Andrew Santino]

It is. We'll blank it out. Katie can edit it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we'll all vote. Is this cancelable?

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. Two blacks right away.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Andrew Santino]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

I've told it on the pod before and he won't do it and he doesn't like it. I'm on. I'm on. I can't do them. I'm on the Santa Monica Pier and they had a shirt. This is true. That was for sale. That said, I didn't ask to be born Mexican. God just likes me more. I said, I love it. Is it available in white?

[Andrew Santino]

What do you mean? That's a great joke.

[Pete Holmes]

You think so?

[Andrew Santino]

That's a very Jeselnik joke.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I thought.

[Andrew Santino]

That couldn't be more him.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the most jes. It's the most Jeselnik joke that you've wrote. La, la la, la, la la.

[Andrew Santino]

That is really the most Jeselnick joke.

[Pete Holmes]

So Jeselnik. I have a beard and a leather jacket right now.

[Andrew Santino]

Was on the Santa Monica Pier.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good.

[Andrew Santino]

Selling a shirt said. Saw a shirt said, I didn't ask to be Mexican born Mexican. I didn't ask to be born Mexican. God just likes me more. I said, that's a great shirt. Does it come in white?

[Pete Holmes]

That. That was very good.

[Andrew Santino]

The white was very him in white. Does it come in white?

[Pete Holmes]

That. Is that confirmed?

[Andrew Santino]

That was a Justin. A joke.

[Pete Holmes]

He should be doing that joke.

[Andrew Santino]

Why wouldn't he? That's a per. That's a great. You told it to him and he was like, I'm not doing.

[Pete Holmes]

You know why he said he won't do it. I want to give you one guess.

[Andrew Santino]

Because you wrote it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a. That's probably the true.

[Andrew Santino]

That's actually the real.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the real reason he doesn't. He said, I would never say I love it or that's a great shirt. And I think it. It needs that. It needs like, that's great.

[Andrew Santino]

But why doesn't he just go, well, you're. Yes. He says he needs it. Because if he just goes straight from, hey, I read the shirt. It said I wasn't asked to be. I didn't. I didn't ask to be born Mexican. God just loves me more. If he goes right to, hey, do you have this shirt in white?

[Pete Holmes]

It loses something. You need it. No, that's a misdirect to go. I love it. Does it come in white?

[Andrew Santino]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

You could go, so I go to the guy. Is it available in white?

[Andrew Santino]

He's not a. So I go to the guy. Guy.

[Pete Holmes]

He's not.

[Andrew Santino]

Do we need to be one more bridge of like, I saw this shirt and. And if.

[Pete Holmes]

And a seagull flew by and on it.

[Andrew Santino]

And I said, that would look better in white. You know, like that. That would be it. Wow. He would need one more bridge to make it more Jessel now and then.

[Pete Holmes]

I would say it does look better. And white is a bridge too far. You know what I mean?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It makes it too. It's too proud, boys.

[Andrew Santino]

There is. There is a. Yeah. If you put a dead baby in there somewhere. He would. He'd like it a little bit more if there was like a baby on fire.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna ask you a new saw.

[Andrew Santino]

This Baby's penis on fire.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You asked me a what?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna ask you a new. I asked this Deval recently.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then we had a great chat.

[Andrew Santino]

Who I love. She's the best, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll see her on the way out.

[Andrew Santino]

What a cool gem.

[Pete Holmes]

What a gem.

[Andrew Santino]

What a. Like a babe. A cool chick. A smarty pants. And it's Marty Pants. Not. Not as in a smart Alec. Yeah, I don't like that. Those two things get mixed up.

[Pete Holmes]

Me neither.

[Andrew Santino]

Smarty pants means she's just smart. Look at her. No smart pants walking around because she's intelligent. Smart Alec because Alec is an asshole.

[Pete Holmes]

Every Alec.

[Andrew Santino]

Name one that's not an asshole. Sulkin Trebek.

[Pete Holmes]

Shit. We just disproved our stink. I asked her Rip and she was like, that's got to be one of the new ones, because I have the questions I ask every time.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But here with Andrew Santino returns.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. And I'm sorry I wasn't as good as I should have been today.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you fucking nuts?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, Katie knows. The way she looked at me. She threw one of those. I'm sick of this idiot.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you something?

[Andrew Santino]

This is a Katie look. Ready? This is a Katie look. Say a bad joke, and I'll give you a Katie look. Ready?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. What if I just did your act?

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, my God. Do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to get my wife pregnant. But you can't just pump it once. You gotta pump it like a Super Soaker.

[Andrew Santino]

That's what Katie does. It's a little laugh and then look away like, oh, I don't like these guys anymore. I can see right through Katie. Dude. She.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie.

[Andrew Santino]

Katie did.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie.

[Andrew Santino]

Katie did.

[Pete Holmes]

Is the consistent. That's with K. Yeah. Consistent quality. Not with a K. I was gonna say slow down.

[Andrew Santino]

With too many K's. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I want too many kids.

[Andrew Santino]

Katie. Katie.

[Pete Holmes]

Just saying. She's great.

[Andrew Santino]

Welcome back to Katy, Katy, Katy. My show, Gertie, Gertie, Gertie. Premiering January 6th on Fox.

[Pete Holmes]

But the font is too big, so it's just. All you can see is case.

[Andrew Santino]

Tell me the question.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna love it. Where are we at in time? 112.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, that's great. Love that group.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we can't go to midweek. We went to mid rolls 12 minutes ago. It doesn't matter.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay? It doesn't matter. Well, ask me the question.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the question. No, the Mid Rolls will just jump in at some random.

[Andrew Santino]

Who gives a shit?

[Pete Holmes]

Who gives a shit?

[Andrew Santino]

There's always a break point.

[Pete Holmes]

There's always a break. Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Blue Microphones. Do you love podcasts? Sure you do. You're in listening to one right now. And maybe you've even been thinking about starting your own podcast. Or maybe you want to, I don't know, record an album that sounds fantastic or do voiceover for that cartoon series you've been wanting to upload to YouTube. Does this sound familiar? Well, if it does, you got to get yourself a blue microphone, guys. Studio quality sound does not have to be a huge, huge price. You can make things sound amazing with blue microphones. They've got you covered. For the first years of this podcast, we recorded many, many episodes on Blue's most famous mic, the Blue Yeti, which is a USB mic that you can just plug right into your computer and start to podcasts. It makes things so easy and it sounds great even if you're new to recording. It's the only USB mic I found with different settings for solo sitting across from another person and omnidirectional for when you want to record every sound in the room, which is super, super cool. It's made by some of the same companies that make high end studio mics that have that have been used on lots of big records. And Blue's been around for more than 20 years. Today Blue is part of Logitech for creators and they even have a new XLR mic, which is what Val and I use for. We made it weird. It's my favorite mic. It's the Sona Mic. It's just been released. It's xlr, which means it's as good as it gets. It sounds incredible. And if you want that next step up from the Blue Yeti, it's so cool to get the Sona XLR mic. It's for podcasting, it's for voiceover. I use it for so many things. In fact, I just use it on my zooms to be the person who sounds good. It's fantastic. If you're trying to do something creative that involves voiceover, involves music, or is a podcast, you gotta get yourself a blue mic. That's what we've been doing for over a decade now. So go to bluemic.com and use promo code weird for a special deal on any blue microphone that's Blue mic and show your support of this podcast. This episode is also brought to us by our friends at Trade Coffee. You know, for years I didn't really drink coffee. I used to say, I don't drink coffee. I run on anxiety. Well, now I love it. It's one of my favorite parts of my morning. I literally go to bed at night going, I'm looking forward to tomorrow's Coffee and Trade Coffee is here to take your coffee game up to the next level. I don't know why so many people settle for blah coffee every day. With Trade Coffee, you can start your morning every day with something special. Let me tell you a little about Trade Coffee. It's a coffee subscription service unlike anything you've tried before. Because they partner with top independent roasters to freshly roast and send the best coffees in the country directly to your home or on forgive on your preferred schedule. Your trade experience can be as simple or sophisticated as you want. You can quickly select from curated collections by Roast, Flavor Profile, Brewing Method and more. Their team of experts do all the work taste testing hundreds of coffees from across the US every month to curate over 450 exceptional coffees that make the cut. It really is pretty effing cool. Or if you want something curated just for you, then take a minute and complete Trades Coffee's Trades Coffee questionnaire. You'll be expertly matched with your perfect coffee and a fresh bag of beans will be on its way. I love this service. I love the diversity. Trying different coffees. I'm really shocked what a difference a different bean can make, a different grind or a different preparation can make. And I've been blown away with the quality and frankly, how these coffees make me feel and how good they taste takes the guesswork out of it and makes my morning ritual that much more special. And trade is the easiest way to get your very best tasting coffee delivered fresh when you need it. You've got nothing to lose because Trade guarantees you'll love your first bag. If not, they'll work with you to replace it for free. So if you want to support small businesses and brew the best cup of coffee you've ever made at home, it's time to try Trade Coffee. Right now, Trade is offering our listeners a total of 30 bucks off your first order, plus free shipping. That's 30 bucks off and free [e-mail] weird that's drinktrade.com weird for $30 off your subscription to the Best coffees in the country and show your support of this show. Thanks to Trade Coffee. Back to the show. Tell me what if you hate it, tell me about a great I think I love it. Even if you hate it, I love it. Tell me About a great nap you took in your life.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, that's really good because it takes.

[Pete Holmes]

You just to that perfect afternoon where you slipped in one. You weren't expecting it.

[Andrew Santino]

I think the best nap. Well, it's funny, I'm thinking of a recent nap.

[Pete Holmes]

A recent nap is great. Glad you're napping.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, I'm thinking about historic naps. Like, what was a great nap moment?

[Pete Holmes]

You want to know mine?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just a jog. Yeah, I mean, you're a fit guy. You're out there jogging.

[Andrew Santino]

Please can't stop.

[Pete Holmes]

Please can't stop.

[Andrew Santino]

Only could stop my mind from running so fast.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, Rodney? Safety field. Yeah, I keep thinking of solutions for the environment. I was in college, my roommate Chuck bought this love seat, little couch. And I watched Bad Boys. Funny that Bad Boys. Choice one. Yeah, I'm not into two.

[Andrew Santino]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Watching Bad Boys one and some Skittles. And I fell asleep watching it. It was the first time in my life. I'm very sound sensitive. And I'm a real nap. I'm going to say it. I'm a nap bitch. I need like white noise. I need earplugs. I need like a heavy blanket. Yeah, I'm annoying. You think I like being a nap.

[Andrew Santino]

No, no, no. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I need like, pristine. But this was an unplanned daytime, striped love seat. Bad boys, loud dorm, unexpected. I just drifted off. Next thing I know, Tia Leone has already been rescued. The credits are rolling.

[Andrew Santino]

Credit roll.

[Pete Holmes]

Bad Boys is playing. And I woke up and I felt unexpected. Like, I know I don't drink anymore, but it's like getting drunk unexpectedly is always better. And napping when you didn't. You weren't a nappy.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you didn't plan it. And you just went like, oh, my God. I think it's like seeing a UFO or something. You're like, it's happening. It's real, it's amazing. And then you wake up and it's always, ah, it's making me excited. It's making me, like feel excited about life. Just to think that that sometimes happens.

[Andrew Santino]

It's gonna happen. I. Mine's a little toxic, but like Brittany, I'm a slave for you. Did she want to be out of the conservatorship?

[Pete Holmes]

If you listen to these lyrics, I.

[Andrew Santino]

Mean, sounds like I'd like to be.

[Pete Holmes]

Under your control, Daddy.

[Andrew Santino]

Isn't that what she said?

[Pete Holmes]

I can't handle my offenses.

[Andrew Santino]

I think mine is toxic. I'm not gonna lie. But. So what happens to me is if I run really Hot. And the old lady says, you're running hot. It means I'm emotionally kind of wound up and anxious. And she can see my anxiety. This whole thing we talked about before, about your partner balancing.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Andrew Santino]

I do that all the time. I crack my wrist.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Andrew Santino]

I will crash.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So everybody shuts it down. It's wild, it's overwhelmed.

[Andrew Santino]

But when I. When it. When it happens, it feels. That's not good. Because it's not good for me, but it feels. I can't explain the feeling. It's like your nap thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's good.

[Andrew Santino]

I'll be panicking, freaking out, but it. And I'll sit on the couch and I'll just kind of like, take a couple of breaths and. I'm not kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Apple menu. Sleep. Laptop closed.

[Andrew Santino]

It's amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

Locked.

[Andrew Santino]

Within moments, I. I'm out. And when I wake up, this is beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

You're overwhelmed in your body and with its own intelligence, circumvents your brain's intelligence. It does a hard reboot and goes like, I don't like this. And they go.

[Andrew Santino]

And I do. I'll crash and I'll wake up 20, 30 minutes later and I'll feel.

[Pete Holmes]

And I need to.

[Andrew Santino]

I immediately say, sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry.

[Andrew Santino]

I immediately. I wake up with a sorry. I go, sorry. Sorry. I immediately say sorry. Because I know that I was heavy before. I crash.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Andrew Santino]

And then I feel incredible. Oh, my God. I have to go take, like a long walk just to, like, enjoy it. Yeah. To soak it in a victory lap. Oh, it feels so nice, buddy.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

But it's bad physically for me. I know those aren't good. Those physical crashes can't be good.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think it's the crash that's bad or the. The sleep.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, what's happening beforehand is bad.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a coping mechanism. I think what you're saying, I could be wrong, is there must be a healthier conscious way to deal with this. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Your naps are voluntary, minor. My crashes are involuntary.

[Pete Holmes]

I think those are comas.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You went into a 20 minute coma.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or a fugue state.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Ken Fuchs.

[Pete Holmes]

Ken Fuchs.

[Andrew Santino]

A Fuchs state.

[Pete Holmes]

There it is, Val. So Jay Larson was in Ojai. Swung by. It's one of the great things.

[Andrew Santino]

What's she doing up there?

[Pete Holmes]

It's too much acid. That's my Jay Larson. He was just swinging by. We had brekkie and he was telling me that. I mean, pennies dropped. Not what it means, but he was telling me I seem much more Relaxed and happy and have been for a while. And. And I'm like, yeah. But also this morning, I was driving Leela to school and Val was with me, and I was like, I just noticed what you're saying. Hot heart.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm only saying this because, like, I know I can be, like, right now, I'm in my silly place. I love seeing you. You bring it out. And me, it's one of the reasons I love being with you.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's different beats. And Pete was driving, and Pete was thinking about. He had a call at 10, he had a lunch at 12. He had to do something that was going to take two hours. Somehow, in between those things, it's going to be tight. Then I got to get to la. I got to do this podcast. And we have this thing after this, and I just started, like, really kind of spinning out. That's what my thing. Val knows. This I've talked about on the podcast before, but the solution, I haven't talked about yet. The voice of my. What we call it pain body or my panic or my Just my wound is I'm not supported. I don't have enough time. No one understands how hard my job is. I know it looks fun, but I actually, you know, Katie knows better than anybody. Like, we have to book it. We have to find that it's all.

[Andrew Santino]

Pain in the ass.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lot of. There's. There's, like, way more upkeep than you would think.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And sometimes I run out of guests. I'm like, we don't have a guest. And, like, that is one of my least favorite feelings. Anyway, so I'll get into my plain view, my Daniel Plainview, where I'm like. Because then I can't make gold. Blow gold everywhere Eli. Right. Like, I just want to murder Eli Sunday. Because I'm all rage, but, you know, it's not really coming out. And Val maybe notices. I don't think so.

[Andrew Santino]

She just does.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know. She's Nessie.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Well, you have to hum back at her sometimes.

[Pete Holmes]

See, to my credit, old homes, he knows how to feel his rage, panic, hot heart and go. And she's. To her credit, she's a safe space. So I can just say, I'm in my pain body right now. I go, I don't know why, but I'm in my pain body. And that's a code that means I'm completely overwhelmed. If it's hysterical, it's historical. So something is going on that is my past. My parents were also Just in town and no joke, it takes me about two weeks to get back to level regular cruising altitude. I actually thought this. I was like, they're my kryptonite. Then I was like, oh, my God. Krypton was Superman's home planet. The thing that makes him not super is his home. And I was like, the thing that makes me not super, that makes me feel like a child, are my parents. Then I can't go out to a theater and be Mr. Saturday night after I've had someone be like, you have cream cheese on your face.

[Andrew Santino]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like. I feel like an 8 year old and an 8 year old can't fly to Toronto on October. I just plugged it, so I'm having panic. It has probably something to do with them being in town and. And you know when you take all that time off to just be with your family and now all the work is coming back flooding in. So I'm really panicking. And Val's like, it probably has something to do with her parents. And she's like, just picture them saying to you what you wish they would say to you. Just imagine it saying it to your little boy.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm doing it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is what I did. I did it right when she said it. I pictured myself in Cape Cod, which is where we used to go on these little trips. I just pictured my mom being like, you're a good boy. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much. You're great. You don't owe me anything. Thank you for everything you do. You're perfect. All that sort of stuff. And for some reason that day, that's what untwisted the rage and I didn't need the shutdown. Does that resonate to you? Child self stuff?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it. We'll be right back.

[Andrew Santino]

Because I think with me.

[Pete Holmes]

Hold on. Athletic, green.

[Andrew Santino]

Sorry. Alpha brain.

[Pete Holmes]

Alpha brain.

[Andrew Santino]

And I think with me it's more.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I love your honesty.

[Andrew Santino]

I. I know what my. Well, because.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell it, Spit it, as they say.

[Andrew Santino]

Because my parents, you know, they. My dad texted me on the day I'm shooting my special. I'm overwhelmed. And they went down to Florida to be with their friends, which, by the way, they just got out. Huge storm today. Like insane. You know, they just got out of like, Florida is a Class 5 hurricane or some.

[Pete Holmes]

Really.

[Andrew Santino]

They just got out on time. And my dad texted me on the day. The morning chewed my special, made it to Florida. A picture of him and his buddy on a boat. Go Vols. Like his. The Tennessee Volunteer. He Went to University of Tennessee college football Saturday and go Vols. And it fucking. I want to throw my phone out the car window. Like, go fucking Vols. Go fuck yourself. What are you. But like, I just had so much panic all day. I didn't even need them to see. That's what's different. I didn't even want them to be like, good luck on the special.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

But I didn't want the other thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I'd rather have nothing because the other thing to me is more annoying. That's like, what the fuck out of here.

[Pete Holmes]

You. And I don't know what to do with the other thing.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you got like a coherent, like, I'll be your dad.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Andrew, I know you're probably under a lot of pressure right now. I just want you to know it's gonna be fantastic.

[Andrew Santino]

No, shut the fuck up.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know what to do with that.

[Andrew Santino]

No. Well, you.

[Pete Holmes]

You're more comfortable with go votes. Here's a picture of me with a salmon.

[Andrew Santino]

Because I know how to make fun of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, because the other things are brokenness. Well, because the other thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Some people do have the dad that goes, my baby boy is going to tape us special tonight.

[Andrew Santino]

But if they did say so, proud of you, happy, da da, da, da, da. I would have gone, no. I do know how to deal with it. But it is. Our family's different. We're like. It's like, okay, I love you. I love you. Like, it's. We're. It's not super, like, abusive.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Andrew Santino]

Like, I would have been like, oh, thank you. Thank you. And that's. And we would move forward.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Andrew Santino]

It's like a pleasantry.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You know, so we're not really big on that. Like, I noticed that with. I don't know if I'd tell the story. Tell it well.

[Pete Holmes]

Here it is.

[Andrew Santino]

In shooting Dave. Dave's connection to his parents is. Is. It's like, remarkable. It's like his irl. They're just so supportive in real life. Yes. It's amazing. And in order to get prepared for a scene, he was watching a video from his mom. And I feel like a piece of me is like, oh, this is no one else's business. But it was kind of sweet. I'm not going to divulge anymore. But it was just like. It was so unfamiliar. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We can keep it about you. It made you feel.

[Andrew Santino]

I would never.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I could never.

[Pete Holmes]

If someone's like. If I needed to do a scene where I had to break Apart like a giant statue with a sledgehammer.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I might hit play on the audio message from my mother, and I'd be like.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't. I don't have the other thing. I don't have the other. Like, we just don't. That's just not a part of my history.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And it's not a bad thing. It's just different. Like, for me, when I have the hot, hot heart. You call it like the heavy, heavy brain. When I'm running hot, as she says, my relief is. I guess the biggest relief is, like, just getting better at being like, it. I don't care. And just pissing away all, like, the. All the heavy breaths. I'll just sit down sometimes and go like this. Today I had too many things scheduled. I canceled the thing right before this. And I. I used to get real guilty.

[Pete Holmes]

It was jury duty.

[Andrew Santino]

It was. You can't cancel that, by the way. He did it. What do you want to know?

[Pete Holmes]

You won't tell the Dave video story, but you'll be like, this guy.

[Andrew Santino]

This guy definitely did it. But. But I canceled something. And I used to feel bad about that stuff, but then I thought, you're.

[Pete Holmes]

Back to mental health.

[Andrew Santino]

You're allowed to go. I don't really want to do that. I don't think I have the time to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Andrew Santino]

And that's okay. But I have to learn to do that. Because when I was young, a people pleaser, and you're always like, me and Fahim Anwar were just talking about this on the phone. When you're so afraid in our business to go, I don't want to do that. Or I don't feel like doing that. Because when you're young, you're like, well, what are they gonna fucking. They're gonna hate me, and I'm gonna be an asshole and always difficult. And you're like, I just. Sometimes I don't want to do stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And I don't want you to have the ability to, like, bully me into doing stuff. And they do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And that's the thing when you're talking about. People don't realize they bully you into things and you feel like. Well, I guess I'm most of feel lucky to do it, so I guess I have to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Even though you're like, I don't want to do this. It's a nightmare.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Andrew Santino]

So you get older and you go, I don't think I'm gonna do that. And I don't feel Bad about saying, hey, man, I really can't do that. I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

When I started, I remember watching Aziz. Aziz was around the same time. I'd been doing it three years. I think he'd been doing it one year maybe. And I watched this guy say no to things around me left and right. And like, not this. I've probably told this story before, but probably not in five, six years. But it's like we were doing best week ever, which is an old TV show, and Fred Graver was the executive producer.

[Andrew Santino]

God, he sounds like he was 80.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Fred Graver.

[Pete Holmes]

Graver, yeah. It's not Cradler.

[Andrew Santino]

So incomes got that.

[Pete Holmes]

Incomes. Fred. Face of death. That was his middle name. No, but Fred was a great guy. He gave us this first break. I have to back it up. I have to walk it back. Not a lot, Fred. Beautiful, Fred. Thank you, Fred. He's not around, but edit that out. But edit it back in. That's a Todd Glass bit. That's what Todd says. Anyway, we started doing these shows at UCB in New York to see if we would do a live tour. And at this point, we had only been on the show two or three times. And it was the kind of show that you got booked by the week.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, they would call you on Monday to see if you'd be on that week. So me, I was like a. Like a dolled up Dame in 1942.

[Andrew Santino]

Whatever you need to.

[Pete Holmes]

Waiting by the phone, flapping my lashes, just waiting for the phone ring. So I meet Fred Graver and I go into full J. Holmes. That's my father. And I'm like a politician. I'm like, hello, Mr. Gray. Well, wonderful to me. Thank you for this opportunity. What. What a thrill. Best week. Have a great show. Show, great show. Just so happy to be here. Happy to be a part. Hope this tour is a success. Would love to go on the road for you, sir. He goes up to Aziz, who's right next to me, like, minutes after. He didn't do anything.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't want to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, thanks. I'm out. Randy. He didn't do any of that. But Fred goes up to Aziz, and I'm, like, curious because his in is in the same position as me. It's his first TV thing, basically, I guess. Here's the big dog. I swear, when Fred is shaking Aziz's hand, Aziz is already turning away from him before Fred has released his grip. It was like. It was like Bob Dylan in 62. You know, Bob Dylan would just, like, not look at reporters and be like, yeah, I like playing guitar. What can I say? And then he just rolls into a pool. It was like, either the coolest thing.

[Andrew Santino]

In the world or the most disrespectful or just.

[Pete Holmes]

Or maybe it was just like this. This dude's so anxious that he doesn't know what to do. It could be anything.

[Andrew Santino]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But it wasn't what I was raised to do. I was raised. Mr. Big is here. How you doing, sir? And then. And then after that, is. He is. They wanted him so bad, and then he backed away from the show. He ended up doing other things. And I was like, oh, there is another way to play it. Which is the.

[Andrew Santino]

But I think it has a lot to do with that. The only certain people can do it because some people misunderstood. It depends on who you are and your energy and your physicality. There's so many elements that go into this. The. The nuances of that. You're a big guy. You're tall.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Your attitude is domineering. People may think you're a dick or you're being a jerk.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this how you tell me?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

But, like, I. People say this often. To me, like, a fan will be like, oh, man, I thought you were. You know, like, a lot of times sometimes people will be like, hey, I know you don't want to be bothered, but it's like, I don't. It's a physical projection. People think because I'm strong, I'm like, strong personality that people like, I don't want. He probably doesn't want me. But Aziz is a smaller guy, and he's kind of quirky, so it goes along with. He can get away with. If, in fact, he was being an asshole.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

It can be misinterpreted as, oh, he's just nervous and actually want to get out of there. If you and I do that because of personalities, it's like he's a fucking dick. So when I say there's other ways to do it, I just think, I've seen guys. Gerard Carmichael is a great example. I remember Gerard at the store being so, like, whimsical about it. It was like. It was like. Everything was like, who knows?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

But he knew.

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel. I don't. I don't know.

[Andrew Santino]

And then people just absorb that as, like, Gerard's perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Disposition. It was strange and. And it was real to him. But, like, to you and me, it's just. It's not natural. So whenever I see those things, whenever somebody says no all the time, or whenever someone, like, they're, like, credited for these moments that you're like, we couldn't do that. I just have come to the understanding I'm like, yeah, because I'm not built. I'm. That's not what I am. Built. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's interesting.

[Andrew Santino]

I just look my physical line with.

[Pete Holmes]

The story that's already being told as they're approaching.

[Andrew Santino]

Like, if Kyle Kanane was like, super eager beaver, you'd be like, this is. Something's wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You want Kyle to be like, yeah, it would.

[Andrew Santino]

It would you off. If it was the other way. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't want. If Kyle acted like me, everyone would be like, kill that guy. This guy out of show.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, let's murder that guy. I think you have to match everything, estimate. And I don't think you know that when you're young. I think when you get older, you go, oh, that's why I said it.

[Pete Holmes]

Was like Bob Dylan. Because Bob Dylan was a little squirrely.

[Andrew Santino]

That's who he was. No, no, seriously. His physical was that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean is like, he looked like a guy that was like, I don't have the time of day, and I don't have a day for time.

[Andrew Santino]

Someone's like, is that a hit record, Bob?

[Pete Holmes]

Someone like us? Yeah, I think we should put that on vinyl. Exactly.

[Andrew Santino]

And we do make a lot of money off of it, Bob.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Andrew Santino]

Just to be fair. And Bob doesn't care.

[Pete Holmes]

It'd be a great thin tie, record executive.

[Andrew Santino]

Let me tell you something, Bob.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me tell you something, Bob.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm making a couple of bucks.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna change that name.

[Andrew Santino]

That's a hit. Get the girls.

[Pete Holmes]

Wake the girls. The girls are always there.

[Andrew Santino]

They're always there.

[Pete Holmes]

Wake the girls. They're mean, sitting by the boat.

[Andrew Santino]

Get in tune. But we had. We're not privileged in that way that we have that thing, I think that just goes along with all the things I've ever known, as when I meet people and I go, right. That lines up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Katie is Whether you. If you never saw her before and somebody passes her on the street, immediately looking at her physically, someone would go, I bet you she's nice. I bet you she's nice. They see you on the street and.

[Pete Holmes]

They go, keep your food and cookies away from this.

[Andrew Santino]

I was giving you. I was giving you room for the joke.

[Pete Holmes]

The food and cookies away from this face. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

See what I mean? It's like they immediately. People are gonna make the judgment, and.

[Pete Holmes]

If you don't you can either go with it or go against it.

[Andrew Santino]

And it's hard to go against.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I remember there was this guy I started comedy with named Nathan Trenholm, and very funny guy. And he was short and he had glasses and he went out when he did premium blend. And I swear he stood there just looking miserable for 30 seconds before he started. And it killed.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, he was just like.

[Pete Holmes]

But here's. Here's another side of that. One time I got huge laughs, just adjusting the mic and being like. Like real Pete.

[Andrew Santino]

But you do have a Pete Holmes face.

[Pete Holmes]

The first time that happened, I was like, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened. But you do.

[Andrew Santino]

You being goofy Pete Holmes face. It's a part of your face.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my face.

[Andrew Santino]

That's why you're able to sell tickets in Toronto. Toronto, October 8th. Guys, come on. October. That's why you're able to sell wackadoo shit. Because you're like, if I get too wacky on stage, people almost don't buy it a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. It's like, well, is that.

[Pete Holmes]

But I love when you're a silly billy.

[Andrew Santino]

I like to be silly boy. But also I look Billy, but I. No silly. I can't. So that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's too silly.

[Andrew Santino]

That was. That is. It's a little too silly for me. Silly Billy. Silly boy is fine.

[Pete Holmes]

And we've seen silly Billy.

[Andrew Santino]

Silly boy.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll be right back. Athletic greens.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm going to have a beautiful dinner tonight with one of my oldest friends. And boy, oh, boy, I can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

Who is it?

[Andrew Santino]

My buddy James from Chicago. I love him so much.

[Pete Holmes]

What if you're like Bill Cosby?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, he got out. Should I not be telling people about that? My buddy James. And it's so funny, because he's home. That's home. And it's.

[Pete Holmes]

You can have a great time.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, it's just nice. He's a guy that I wish I ate more food with, but I just don't see people like that as much, which stinks, because you just don't. You don't.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, maybe you're an Evanston guy.

[Andrew Santino]

You want me to move to northern suburbs of Chicago?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

If I move out of Chicago. Just like we said in New York. We were looking at places in New York and it was like this whole idea of like, well, do we want to.

[Pete Holmes]

You did you got that far?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where?

[Andrew Santino]

Where in New York? Well, that's what I'm about to tell you. That's the funny part. As I said, I'm not going to move all the way to New York to not live in New York. So I'd probably live downtown somewhere, you know, like. I don't know, I really like, like, I mean, SoHo would be incredible or anything down there, you know, would be.

[Pete Holmes]

Kind of nice cobblestone street.

[Andrew Santino]

I just want to live in the. I like downtown a lot for some. I really like. Or as close as I can get. Throw me over to Dumbo or, you know, something like that. But I was like, yeah, because the joke was like, oh, should we go out there and see like a nice house? And I was like, no, we have to live in the guts of the thing if we're going to go. We should live in the belly of the beast. Yeah, why else would I go? Yeah, we already live in the, you know, sub. The suburbs here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

In Pacoima. Put my address right here, Katie, if you can.

[Pete Holmes]

Kyron my address slash whiskey ginger.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but I just, I feel like if we were gonna go, I'd want to live inside of the machine. I would want to live. Give me all the.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, give me the.

[Andrew Santino]

Give me the fucking New York. Give me New York.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you just grabbing New York by the big ass?

[Andrew Santino]

By the apple and it's got a crest, it's got an apple ass, but maybe New York. I think it might be a good way to also read, reconfigure my artistic drive because New York is just different. The vibe of stand up and comedy and art is just different than it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, have you ever lived in New York?

[Andrew Santino]

No. Just spent chunks of time.

[Pete Holmes]

Because if you walk from one set to another set, you have a new bit by the time you get there.

[Andrew Santino]

I know it's. What's that? So what's so nice? I just. I just know that. I just know. Just be a new perspective. Definitely changes the way you deliver comedy. Even when I. When I go there and I perform, I just. I like I did the Cellar when I was just there. Even just going there, I immediately am like, I'm telling jokes a different way. Yeah, the same joke. It's just I'm telling them different.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel that way about the store, actually. Well, there's certain jokes. I do a joke at the improv or something and then I'm like, it's funny when I do it at the store. This isn't. This will make sense. I bet to you. I go, I almost do it like I'm chewing gum. There's like more attitude, there's more fearlessness. Because at the store, there's just a feeling of like, show us your wares. Like your weirdest, your dirty.

[Andrew Santino]

I like. That's what I love. The seller feels exactly like that.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. That's what you're.

[Andrew Santino]

It's like a.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you. And I love Largo more than anything. If I could only perform at Largo, that would be totally great for me. But there is sometimes I. If I do the store the night before Largo and then I go to Largo and like, I have a line in my act where I call jokingly, obviously, Val a low blood sugar.

[Andrew Santino]

Whoa, whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

You made me feel bad about it.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, you should. That's bad. She have diabetes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, if that's your sandwich at Subway, you are a low blood sugar.

[Andrew Santino]

That's true. That's good. Okay, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm not just saying you low blood sugar.

[Andrew Santino]

And you know this low blood sugar I'm living with.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even know what pejorative means. I'm saying it in the pejorative sense. I don't know what that means.

[Andrew Santino]

The audience knows.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody knows. Google it. Email it to yourself. Then when it comes in market as.

[Andrew Santino]

Market as spam, flag it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I did it at the Comedy Store and they were lighting mattresses on fire. They were doing backflips. People were screaming, low blood sugar.

[Andrew Santino]

Woman had a baby.

[Pete Holmes]

A woman had a baby. And she was like, I didn't even know I was pregnant because they were filming that show at the time. That's a giveaway if the crew for I didn't know I was pregnant is following you. You might be a redneck, but I. Then I go to Largo, which is a nice place. People might even put on a jacket to go to Largo. I know you low blood sugar bitch. And people are like, not so sure about that one. So it takes all different. But you go to the cellar. Low blood sugar.

[Andrew Santino]

Low blood sugar also. But. But in the cellar, it's you. Yeah. Are you a sugar free bitch? That's what I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Andrew Santino]

It's like the same joke but a different spin on.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're going to say it even.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, you might say it a little bit different, but it's kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

You're trying to say you're fine, Keith.

[Andrew Santino]

What are you gonna do?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Andrew Santino]

He's up there.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna do what he's supposed to say. You're gonna adapt have you ever. Did I ask you this last time you did it. Have you ever almost died?

[Andrew Santino]

Many, many, many, many, many times.

[Pete Holmes]

Pick one.

[Andrew Santino]

Was riding in the back of a truck at the bed of a pickup truck when I was in college. Oh, yeah, I am the truck.

[Pete Holmes]

You're riding in the back of a.

[Andrew Santino]

Pickup truck in the bed of a pickup truck flying down.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do they call it a bed?

[Andrew Santino]

Anyone sleeping back there? And a cab. A cab is a cab. Why is the cab of a truck a cab?

[Pete Holmes]

There's a cab in the front, a bed in the back.

[Andrew Santino]

What? Come on, Seinfeld, find it.

[Pete Holmes]

He has a stroke. What is this? Oh, yeah. Okay, I'm taking you to your new apartment where you're moving in the mattress. He just melts like the. Like he drank from the wrong Last Crusade.

[Andrew Santino]

Why does it start at 150? Ford F. 150. 250. You made 149 of these before you came up with this one. I mean, can you imagine getting mad at us for doing these bits on him? So mad.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are you doing it? Oh, yeah, I paved the way for you. You pave away, you take away.

[Andrew Santino]

And what are you using to pave anyway? Asphalt. Concrete was more stable.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't be an asphalt.

[Andrew Santino]

He's becoming a civil engineer.

[Pete Holmes]

As we continue on, Seinfeld, in other jobs, we need to move units.

[Andrew Santino]

Are you diversifying any of your portfolio at all?

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lot of organic synergy happening. What does that even mean?

[Andrew Santino]

I was in the bed of a pickup truck coming back from Mexico into South Padre Island, Texas, on spring break with some friends. I was intoxicated. I'm not proud of this moment. The gentleman driving the truck was intoxicated. I'm not proud of that moment. And we hitched a free ride from a man we don't know. But I know he had been drinking, I probably definitely knew. And the truck was bouncing around over this bridge, rickety bridge, going from Mexico to South Padre Island. And I sobered up because, I mean, for a hot second, because we swerved a little bit because a truck had been pulled over on the side of the road and we almost clipped it. And I realized this hits. I fly out of this thing and either ping pong my head against some of the bridge iron before falling in, before falling into the ocean, or I fly out of the back of this thing onto this narrow two lane bridge and get immediately run over by a cascade of cars. And it fucked me up. I held so tightly onto the sides, just like wishing to the universe that we would make it okay. And it was one of those things where. Yeah. But the whole time I kept thinking, this is it. I am going to die like this. Like it was us just clip, Missing. Clipping that car and swerving.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Was the. I, I. It was a wake up call for I could. I was like, I should never get in these. A car with someone who's been drinking again, I didn't know. But we did know. Do you know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

It was so obvious.

[Pete Holmes]

My observation. You know, dad jokes right there.

[Andrew Santino]

The neck. Whenever the neck goes back, they're drunk.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody, Josh Rubin, told me it's when their eyes go before their head. So say something to me.

[Andrew Santino]

Have you been drinking tonight, sir? Oh, my God. They follow.

[Pete Holmes]

Josh because.

[Andrew Santino]

Because the eyes are still working at full speed.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the eyes aren't drunk, but the body is. The body's drunk. The eyes are like, oh, God, he's drunk.

[Andrew Santino]

No, we have to take care of all this. Over. Look that way. Good boy. Good boy. All right, now close your eyes for a second.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. How much of life is you just want to be babied? And getting drunk, you need to be babied. You need help. You need someone to be like, do you need a burrito, buddy? Like, we love it.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, in the morning, you're hungover, and someone's like, do you need another burrito?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I want two. Yeah, I want. All of life is actually trying to get back to the feeling of not knowing anything.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You're just like, how can I get back to not knowing much?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And that's how you get. You've. You put away all the things and then. And then you want to use abuse stuff to feel like you don't have to think about them anymore. And then when you sober up, you move to Ohio and you think about all of them.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd think my mind would be racing up there, but I have no problem.

[Andrew Santino]

No, no. I mean, you think about all the things, but from an.

[Pete Holmes]

From a. Oh, from a new perspective.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, from very introspective. Now.

[Pete Holmes]

Now you can think about it critically, the spiritual thing here, but here I go.

[Andrew Santino]

Here he is.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, being conscious but with no thoughts is a heavenly state.

[Andrew Santino]

You're there right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Am I doing it right now? No, I'm thinking about this interview.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm Sisyphus.

[Pete Holmes]

You're pushing that rock.

[Andrew Santino]

I keep pushing. I. I'm gonna stop soon, but I am pushing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Sisyphus has to put that rock down and just go, like, it doesn't this.

[Andrew Santino]

Hill is so big.

[Pete Holmes]

What am I?

[Andrew Santino]

Seinfeld's next to him. You'll never get it up there. That's a huge hill. And what will you do when it's up? That'll fall down the other side. Is that a part of Sisyphus, though, that he kept pushing the rock up the hill and he never make it?

[Pete Holmes]

But he never makes it.

[Andrew Santino]

But, but was there ever a conversation about once he got it up there, is there a other side to it or is it a crescendo? Is there a. Is there a summit?

[Pete Holmes]

And why does he want it up there?

[Andrew Santino]

That was the other thing. What was it? Is it flat up there?

[Pete Holmes]

I remember Alex Gray, the.

[Andrew Santino]

How funny. It's just a little tilted. He gets it up there and it sits and he stands next to it. But for a second.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And then it rolls back.

[Pete Holmes]

Now you're designing a good.

[Andrew Santino]

Hell, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like let him think. And then. And it has to roll over his foot. And now he has to do it.

[Andrew Santino]

Jumping up and down is a rule.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course. Alex Gray, the psychedelic painter, you've probably seen his stuff. Yeah, it doesn't matter. He. He had a trip or a dream. I think it was a trip where he saw Sisyphus and. And the trip like zoomed in on his face. So here's a guy pushing the boulder and it zoomed in on his face and showed that there was a little smile and he called it the smile of Sisyphus. And I think that's right on. I think even the things we hate, we secretly love.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh yeah, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Even you. When you were little, little 8 year old Santino would have loved to been like, I just. I take my special. My dad's texting me now. I gotta fucking go. Oh, Dave. I'm shooting. Dave. 14 hour days. When you were little, you used to walk around and be like 14 hour day. Like you wanted to be stressed out so badly.

[Andrew Santino]

I love it. I still do love it. No, that's why I said I'm enjoying. I'm not accusing, but I enjoy it so much. But that it is. You do feel like you're. I'm pushing a little bit of a boulder. Sometimes you're like, well, no, actually, you know what it is? It's if you zoom out a little bit, I'm pushing a boulder. When you zoom in on. On my acid trip, you realize it looks like it's one, but it's 20.

[Pete Holmes]

20 boulders.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. And they're all kind of. I'm like, I'm Actually going like this, like, trying to make sure they all.

[Pete Holmes]

Stay like a pyramid of them.

[Andrew Santino]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Like, to me, it's like, I feel. That's what I feel like that I'm roll. It looks like one, but me, it's way too many.

[Pete Holmes]

I see.

[Andrew Santino]

And if I just patted one rock up the hill, I'd probably get it up there.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, just Dave. But you're like, I'll also film my special. Right.

[Andrew Santino]

And do two podcasts and develop this show. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just that the Chicagoland. James.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. My boy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, sorry. He's your boy.

[Andrew Santino]

He's a. He is a prince of a man.

[Pete Holmes]

I bet he is.

[Andrew Santino]

I'm picturing him a wonderful story, too. A man who rode dirt bikes and then professionally did, like, tricks on them and all that. And then also almost died. Met his wife, who almost. Who had a friend die in front of her face. That's what got her to quit. They were both like, trickster.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, someone died riding dirt bikes. Yeah, he met his wife.

[Andrew Santino]

I think they were on motorcycles. I think this was motorcycle times. I met his wife when they were doing. When he was, like, touring the world.

[Pete Holmes]

Doing tricks and the cigarette of Transportation 100. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Circus bikes going to kill you.

[Pete Holmes]

But, hey, when you have a GoPro on your helmet for the case coming up where you have to. You're wearing exhibit A.

[Andrew Santino]

Your head is decapitated. But they still have it on the helmets. Like, we can't get the GoPro off, so we brought the head in.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at the shock on his face. He clearly didn't see this coming.

[Andrew Santino]

Speaking of loose heads, I can't. I kind of get them out. I got in my brain because I watched Dahmer and Dahmer's new show, Dahmer the Monster on Netflix. It's like, one of the biggest. What? Why'd you watch it? Did you watch it, Katie? It's. It's. It's. It's just dark. Because Evan Peter's a great actor. Boy, oh, boy, does he do a good job. And it's got, like, a very subtle Wisconsin accent to him. I mean, he's doing Joe Pera. You know Joe Pera? Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He talks to me.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah. It's great. That thing. It's literally. It's literally Joe. Joe Pera.

[Pete Holmes]

Joe Pera decapitates you.

[Andrew Santino]

It's Joe Pera. Like, every time I see it, I'm like. And he's blonde and his hair swift down.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's get you to your thing.

[Andrew Santino]

Okay. Yeah. What time is It.

[Pete Holmes]

It's about time.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh. Six, 20. Daddy's gotta go.

[Pete Holmes]

Daddy's gotta.

[Andrew Santino]

How do I end this with Pete?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, how do you get out?

[Andrew Santino]

No, how do I end this with you?

[Pete Holmes]

Go. Old PD usually asks the hardest time you've ever laughed. You've done the pod before and you already.

[Andrew Santino]

I know. I remember the other one that I named last time. What's. What's another hard time I've ever laughed?

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe with James you could also answer this. Anything. Unexplainable. Psychic ghost, ufo.

[Andrew Santino]

What if they're both the same thing.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's the hardest laugh?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever had, like, a psychic tell you something and you're like, ha.

[Andrew Santino]

I've never been to a psychic. Never been to a psychic. I've never seen ghost. Never seen ufo. Seen a ghost. I think we talked about ghosts. I said, I've seen a ghost in my buddy Tyler's basement.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good hosting.

[Andrew Santino]

And then what's the other thing I'm trying to think of?

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't sound familiar. Does that sound familiar to you?

[Andrew Santino]

I think you did it on my show. I think we came. On my show we talked about.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, nobody's watching that.

[Andrew Santino]

That's correct. Promo code. Get help if you're sad at better help. Promo code. Whiskey making me sad on your show. I want to think of the heart. One of the. Another hardest time I've ever laughed was.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to think about the ghost.

[Andrew Santino]

We're thinking about the ghost. I think ghosts.

[Pete Holmes]

Great ghost Chains. Translucent, beautiful ghost.

[Andrew Santino]

They're both. It was the ghost. And the hardest I've ever laughed were happened at the same time.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Always.

[Andrew Santino]

I saw. Do it again. If you're a real ghost, do it one more time right now. If there's actually a ghost in here, do it now. Now. Now. You can make ghostings happen at your level whenever you need them. You can always find a ghosting. Like if I go, oh, yeah. If you're in here, do nothing. See, they're there. They're tempting us.

[Pete Holmes]

That is so.

[Andrew Santino]

They're tempting us. Make ghostings your own. That's what I figured out about those ghost shows. They'll go, did you hear that? You can make anything be a here thing. Anything was. I did here. Oh, I heard that. Did you hear it? People will start to go, I. I heard. I heard it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's true.

[Andrew Santino]

It's like a fart where you're like, oh. Immediately someone will go, oh, is it so. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You want it to smell because you Want to be a part of a fart that's not there.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the old Eddie Murphy bit.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, you want to. You wanted to smell. You want to smell it because in the back of your mind, you want to grade the fart. Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So you can have the story. Remember that fart you made? It's made.

[Andrew Santino]

Made.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember that fart you made?

[Andrew Santino]

That far you made? What's the hardest I've ever laughed is probably recently. Oh, God, that's so hard, man. That's tough. That's tough. How about this? I'll end it in a better way.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to sing a song at the same time?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to follow me or I'll follow you.

[Andrew Santino]

I'll follow you.

[Pete Holmes]

What's the song called? Katie? Doesn't matter. Katie says, oh, God, I don't know. Oh, sweet Lord, I don't know what the fuck is going down. Trickster Trick. Dexter. Have you ever opened up your cupboard and there's a dead cat smoking cigarettes and he looks at you and he says, I'm not dead. I'm actually made out of jelly. Means you're not singing with me. You're not even trying.

[Andrew Santino]

You went up and went down.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep it crispy.

[Andrew Santino]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

You said. It's so all American.

[Andrew Santino]

Keep it crispy. That's a catchphrase. Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how we end Zaxby's.

[Andrew Santino]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

We're done. Show's over.

[Andrew Santino]

I love you. I love you, Bombas.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks for not canceling.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, please, I would never. I had to push.

[Pete Holmes]

You did. Twice.

[Andrew Santino]

I had to push. That's not a cancel. Cancel means you don't make it. Push means you got to change it.