Beth Stelling Returns

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: Beth Stelling Returns
Date: October 8, 2025
Guest: Beth Stelling

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Episode Overview

This episode marks the return of comedian Beth Stelling to "You Made It Weird." Pete and Beth dive deep into stand-up culture, body image, internet criticism, the shifting landscape of comedy, and personal weirdness—mixing personal stories, candid industry discussion, and riff-heavy humor. The tone is casual, honest, and playful, giving listeners both laughs and insight into the lives (and minds) of two veteran comics navigating comedy and culture in 2025.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comic Weirdness, Merch Talk, and Riffing on Names

• The episode opens with playful back-and-forth about merch, comedians' websites, and riffing on domain names.
• Pete and Beth immediately settle into their familiar banter full of inside-comedy jokes and gentle roasting (01:41–03:00).
• They muse about comedians’ online presence, and the absurdity of spelling and branding (e.g., “Mikebirbiglia.com” vs. “Burbiggs.com”) and riff on who owns whose website domains.

2. Stand-up Life: Touring, Sleep Schedules, and Valet Parking

• Beth talks about being a night owl on the road, doomscrolling, and the strange pleasures of being awake when no one else is (07:21).
• Both discuss the psychological need for “special time” either late at night or early in the morning—time when “no one is doing anything” (08:07).
• They connect these habits to dealing with social anxiety and comedian procrastination.

3. Shark Tank Bit & Societal Biases (09:02–12:46)

• Pete and Beth riff on "Shark Tank" production stories and muse about the show's subtle (and not-so-subtle) biases based on body image and who deserves investment:

  “If a thin, beautiful woman is selling her cookie dough company, they will all invest. If a heavier bodied person pitches their sprinkle company, they'll all be like, you, you got diabetes, get out of here. They shame them.” —Pete (10:38)

• Discussion about pop culture’s obsession with thinness, health, recovery from eating disorders, and how women’s bodies are judged.

4. Stand-up Special Talk & Internet Feedback (17:53–23:14)

• Beth reflects on the vulnerability of releasing material online and how instant social feedback changed comedy.
• Both agree: the best feedback is the genuine audience laugh—or lack thereof.
• The conversation touches on Beth’s new YouTube special The Landlord Special, which she released herself after traditional platforms (e.g., Netflix) passed:

  “...the reason there is a half hour on YouTube is because I couldn't get my next special made.” —Beth (32:09)

• Pete compliments Beth’s comedic voice—warm, honest, silly, and reminiscent of the variety and satisfaction of a Cheesecake Factory menu.

5. Authenticity, Aging, and Industry Pressures (24:01–26:07)

• Beth talks openly about aging naturally, plastic surgery, and navigating the pressures women face on and offstage.
• They discuss honesty in stand-up, and audience expectations, and sharing personal imperfections through jokes.

6. Engaging with Online Critics (26:12–29:47)

• Beth shares her approach to internet criticism: sometimes engaging, sometimes giving savage comebacks.

  “I think your time would be better spent making Nicole come with your mouth.” —Beth (26:47)

• They debate if engaging helps or hurts, with Pete noting it can fuel the algorithm but also cause headaches.

7. Comedy Styles and Roasting as a Form (41:53–54:31)

• Major discussion about different schools of comedy: word math/surprise (Anthony Jeselnik style) vs. personal, connective material (Beth, Pete).
• Roasting is examined—where, when, and for whom is it healthy or fun? Both express unease with roasts as a default mode, especially among young comics:

  “Roasting is for the time of harvest... but when the world gets really dark, I turn less to the cards against Humanity.” —Pete (52:25)

• They critique the normalization of making trauma or weakness a punchline without context or mutual trust.

8. Industry Shifts: From the Comedy Cellar to Social Media

• The pair reminisce about old NYC club attitudes—harsh, roast-heavy, competitive—and how a newer, softer, more honest wave (the "Nate and Mulaney" vibe) balanced that culture (61:05–63:50).
• Reflections on the impact of internet and social stats on comedic success and bookings.

9. Women in Comedy, Inclusivity, and Navigating Exploitation

• They discuss the issue of representation and how not all opportunities build supportive fanbases, citing examples like Kill Tony and America’s Got Talent (57:47–60:56).
• Wrestling with staying authentic while navigating the demand for social media presence.

10. Bits Workshop: Boobs, Boardwalks, and “Tributaries” (74:01–92:48)

• Pete and Beth workshop a bit about Pete's wife's boobs, and whether such jokes reinforce stereotypes or lovingly subvert them.
• Discussion about the difficulties and pitfalls of joking about body parts and personal relationships, especially for men.
• Beth encourages finding new angles (“tributaries”) and playfully suggests carrying his wife's boobs on a rolling podium or using her body for science tattoos.

11. Authorship, Self-Respect, and Handling Rejection

• Both reflect on the realities of having work passed over by streamers and industry gatekeepers (115:24–118:08).
• Beth shares her vulnerability about being rejected by Netflix—how it colored her mood but ultimately re-centered her on performing for the fans, not the suits.

  “It did take a hit. It sucked. And then I had to sort of go back to go, what do I care about giving these people a good show on the road? ...people care about what I do, and I have people that want to see it and I'm having fun.” —Beth (121:51)

12. Ghost Stories, Psychic Readings, and Permission to Be Weird

• They wrap up with stories of ghostly encounters, skepticism, and the longing for weird, ineffable moments (103:37–112:41).
• They muse on creative discipline, free-time paralysis, and how loss of routine can almost be a curse for artists.

13. On Parenting, Touring, and Real Life

• Beth shares about being a stepmom, touring constantly, and the struggle to be present for family (124:00–125:16).
• The episode closes with mutual appreciation, industry solidarity, and Pete touting Beth’s special as a must-see for fans of heartfelt and genuinely weird comedy.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On body standards:
  “Thin wins. You see someone recovering... and their body is looking healthier. But... when they were like cocaine skinny... everybody thought they were so attractive."
  —Beth (11:37)

• On audience feedback:
  “For the longest time, it was just a laugh or no laugh.”
  —Beth (18:42)

• On handling online critics:
  “I think your time would be better spent making Nicole come with your mouth.”
  —Beth (26:47)

• On the core of her comedy:
  “If you could turn it into a frequency, it would be like 432 hertz... it's like one of those calming [tones]... the strength of openness.”
  —Pete (29:11)

• On comedy generations:
  “If you went to the cellar, someone was going to make fun of your clothes... And then you get there, and everyone's like Dice Clay and saying the C word like it's sea salt.”
  —Pete (61:05)

• On creative rejection:
  “That’s how I felt, like I got shot last May and I was bleeding out through the end of the year.”
  —Beth (121:38)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |------------------------------------------|--------------------| | Merch and Comedian Website Riffs | 01:41–03:00 | | Sleep Schedules & Comedy Procrastination | 07:21–08:14 | | Shark Tank, Societal Biases | 09:02–12:46 | | The Landlord Special & Getting Passed Over| 21:37–32:09 | | Handling Criticism Online | 26:12–29:47 | | Roasting Culture Debate | 41:53–54:31 | | Boobs/New Material Workshop | 74:01–92:48 | | Creative Rejection & Resilience | 115:24–122:16 | | Ghost Stories and Psychic Readings | 103:37–112:41 | | Touring & Step-Parenting | 124:00–125:16 | | Closing Appreciation | 127:18–128:10 |

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Episode Tone & Vibe

The conversation is emblematic of the podcast’s ethos: vulnerable, self-deprecating, and joyously tangential. They alternate between riffing, sincerity, playful vulgarity, and frank talk about the costs and rewards of a life in comedy. Beth and Pete’s rapport is seasoned and affectionate, and the episode is full of both quotable lines and genuine moments that invite listeners to feel “in the room” with two pros at the top of—and sometimes tested by—their game.

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For fans of comedy, self-reflection, and hearing about the backstage life from those who live it, this is an essential listen.

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Highly Quotable Moments

• “You have to talk to that part. Like you talk to your daughter. You just have to be like, it is scary.” (115:38, Pete)
• “It's basically great. What was it? Is it a bell curve? Stand up in Chicago? I'd show up in sweats, I'd bike there. No makeup. Who gives a shit? … And now I'm like, I don't own a full-length mirror.” (98:30, Beth)

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Check out Beth’s special The Landlord Special on YouTube, and follow both Pete and Beth for more tour and comedy updates.

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“Keep it crispy.”
—Beth Stelling, (128:07)

Transcript

[Beth Stelling]

Lemonade.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is the return of the incredible, one of a kind heart, hilarious Beth Stelling. I'm so glad you're here. This is a great episode. Beth has a new special on YouTube called the Landlord special, which is a hilarious special. I absolutely loved it. Also, she has a Netflix special. You should check out just everything Beth's selling. Couldn't love it more. Including this conversation. I'm so glad you're here. Not much to plug up top, except my tour dates. I'm going to be coming to Cleveland this weekend. Yeah, this weekend. And then Largo in Los Angeles on November 1st. Those are always so fun. Chicago, Pittsburgh, New York, New York on November 14th, Atlantic City on November 15th. I'm gonna be at the Milwaukee Improv, the Brea Improv, North Carolina, South Carolina, Miami, Royal Oak, Michigan, and Madison, Wisconsin. All of Those are on peteholmes.com I'm so loving this tour. Hope to see you out on the road. Ticketsetholmes.com kept saying that. I guess. In the meantime, enjoy my chat with the wonderful, incomparable, hilarious Beth Stelling. Get into it.

[Beth Stelling]

I assume all these pillows are for me.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're all yours.

[Beth Stelling]

I'll be taking them, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, Pete. Home show pillows.

[Beth Stelling]

I love them.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that weird? That's for you.

[Beth Stelling]

Yay.

[Pete Holmes]

You have your merch. Where's your merch?

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This isn't my merch, but you know what I mean.

[Beth Stelling]

Remember what I said to you at Largo last time?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Beth Stelling]

I drink magic mine. But not because of you. Because of Brian Callan.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. That is a very, very funny rev. These are me women's. Oh, it's your mom's. Yes. What a sweet thing your mom said. So the joke is, these are available at mikebrobiglia.com these are available at bethstelling.com.

[Beth Stelling]

I did get Mike Birbiglia.com and he's gonna have to pay me so much.

[Pete Holmes]

To get well, because he's burbiggs.com because he's like, if you like my comedy, there's no way you can spell my name. Just call me Burbigs or do drink Mike.

[Beth Stelling]

He knows people.

[Pete Holmes]

He knows his fans. If you like this. Yeah, yeah. Just hit a bunch of keys.

[Beth Stelling]

I better put socks on.

[Pete Holmes]

I tried last night a bit.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yeah?

[Pete Holmes]

Where? What do you mean?

[Beth Stelling]

Well, I'm excited. I had questions I wanted to like.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this okay? Because we're rolling. There's like, feet.

[Beth Stelling]

People.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you Want me to, like. No, I never in my life. I'm not. I'm not a foot. I wish I was. They're everywhere.

[Beth Stelling]

I know. I wish I were, too.

[Pete Holmes]

They're actually.

[Beth Stelling]

I mean, I like my boyfriend's feet. Don't you like Val's feet?

[Pete Holmes]

I love Val's feet, but I'm not, like, aroused by her fate.

[Beth Stelling]

Taking a break.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. Foot people. They're so upset. And I'm looking right at them. Ooh, there's five toes. They're kind of weird. And not yours. All feet.

[Beth Stelling]

All feet are disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that what people like about them? It's like, oh, pretty girl. Pretty girl. But look at those fucking feet. Isn't that. I think that's as close. I know. That's creep. What I just said. Locked up is the one Radiohead song they won't play. Yeah, Locked Up. Nice. Because that was so creepy. But I did try to think, why would they like it? And I think it is because it's like. It's the one thing a woman can't control, other than the obvious thing, the vagine.

[Beth Stelling]

That one's.

[Pete Holmes]

That one's a roll of the dice.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Tough to lock up.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. It's not made out of Silly Putty, like a Barbie. Obviously. This is when you realize, I've never seen one. It's not. It's not just a smooth area.

[Beth Stelling]

No. There is actually a couple of holes in ripples.

[Pete Holmes]

Ripples. Look, I. I went through a big phase where I couldn't stop writing jokes about how vaginas are weird. Like, being straight. And also acknowledging that they're just kind of. They are what they are.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're making the best.

[Beth Stelling]

I think there's always those discoveries you make where you go, okay, cool. Like, everybody's is different. I think that's the coolest part. That's what.

[Pete Holmes]

That was my first question. What?

[Beth Stelling]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, when I. When my first wife left me.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My second wife has yet to leave. They're still my first one. Yeah. Every day I'm like.

[Beth Stelling]

And I text her that, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you on the way out? Yeah, yeah. You just go, question mark? And she knows what it means.

[Beth Stelling]

I just say, you're not a host.

[Pete Holmes]

She's free to leave. Like, Ohio. Very nice.

[Beth Stelling]

Deep cut.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, don't let me forget the compliments. But when my first wife left me and I. Brian Saka, who's a very funny comedian, his brother is Chris Saka on Shark Tank. Is it Chris Sacca? Who cares?

[Beth Stelling]

I say I have a Shark Tank bit right now, but I don't know anybody on it besides Chris Sacca looks.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. He looks. I don't know. I don't want to riff on his look. They all have billions.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want a red laser.

[Beth Stelling]

No. You might need to go in there sometime.

[Pete Holmes]

I might have to pitch.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Let's be real.

[Pete Holmes]

I've got women's stand up comedy socks. What are your sales? Let's not go there, guys. Yeah, that's what you say.

[Beth Stelling]

We're talking upwards. Two a week.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, two a week. And what do they cost to make? Almost exactly what they cost.

[Beth Stelling]

$22. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What is the Saka on? Do you have it?

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, Mark Cuban's the only one I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Mark Cuban hungry.

[Beth Stelling]

Maybe there's a Carol Mark Cuban hungry.

[Pete Holmes]

He's got a classic look. Chris Saka. Okay, I got it. Right. So anyway, Brian Sacca, who's in The Wolf of Wall Street.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't matter.

[Beth Stelling]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

What are we smoking? Cigars.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying. Brian was one of my friends. When I first got new leaf and first time single, I had only been with one person. And my first question was, what do you do when there's a weird one?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he said, it's so rare. He said it so sweetly. I know it sounds kind of like gross bro talk. It was tender. That was really like. I appreciate that.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was just like a Jack McBrayer, Buddy the Elf kind of guy. Are they weird?

[Beth Stelling]

When you said that, all I could think was, you gotta ask other people. I was like, I wanted you to ask more people.

[Pete Holmes]

More people?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You ding dongs. I'm not even.

[Beth Stelling]

Gosh, there's so many types of wieners.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying.

[Beth Stelling]

It's crazy. All of them are different.

[Pete Holmes]

They're all different. It's. They're sold in the same store, but it's a big store.

[Beth Stelling]

To know the person is to love their wiener.

[Pete Holmes]

Obviously, I still don't buy it. I mean, really, like that's not entirely true. I think Val just loves me so much. She's like, when I see your wiener, I see you. You know what I mean?

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Beth Stelling]

I'm trying to think of a time.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's get her on the phone.

[Beth Stelling]

Can we get her out here?

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie.

[Beth Stelling]

I just remember she's back here.

[Pete Holmes]

She's always got my back.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, here she is.

[Pete Holmes]

She's so sweet. She might. She is for a bit. Would you just be Back?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, she dropped back there for 15.

[Pete Holmes]

Minutes and then Betsy, fast as that. You were barely late.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, well, okay. I left.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you were eight. You were no la.

[Beth Stelling]

I had a weird. I did a. I'm a night owl and I do think like I was looking forward to seeing you and I stayed up till 4am but I sometimes do that also. I've been on the road so much there was some doom scrolling but basically I avoid things all day and then I get this little win where I go. Although the last two nights I've done this not last night, but the every other night I'm like at my computer like starting to die and it's like I'm keeping myself up. So there's probably.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm look this great Seinfeld book. He goes, we fight sleep.

[Beth Stelling]

I am fighting it.

[Pete Holmes]

Fight it.

[Beth Stelling]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. Well, because it's your special time.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Nobody else is doing anything.

[Pete Holmes]

I get up in the morning for the same phenomenon.

[Beth Stelling]

I can't do it in the morning.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's the same thing I'm trying to.

[Beth Stelling]

I did have.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm reaching across the aisle here.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay. Okay, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying the morning people and the late night people love the same thing.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The feeling that no one is doing anything.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If your phone rang at 3:30 in the morning. What?

[Beth Stelling]

Like it just.

[Pete Holmes]

It would be an emergency.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So same with five in the morning.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's when you got up.

[Beth Stelling]

True.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody's there.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I'm always, you know, looking inward too often and so part of me is like, is it self sabotage? I knew I needed to be here. Like, like I, I stayed up till 4. I would have liked to sleep longer. Then I get up. I. When you texted me, that's when I was up.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, I texted you and I was like. It was actually kind of cool. I like gave you cool. I was like, oh, I'm like a dork. And I'm like up.

[Beth Stelling]

And I liked it. I need those.

[Pete Holmes]

Then I was like, beth, it's still a comedian. I know I'm a comedian and I.

[Beth Stelling]

Did a show last night.

[Pete Holmes]

Still a comedian.

[Beth Stelling]

I did a show last night in Malibu. I was thinking about. I like still have the. It was valet only my least favorite thing.

[Pete Holmes]

The forced. Just let me park the forced.

[Beth Stelling]

I can do it.

[Pete Holmes]

The forced valet. How about this? Shark tank. A car service. Tell me. Be real.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Hi, Sharks.

[Beth Stelling]

Hey.

[Pete Holmes]

We all love car services.

[Beth Stelling]

You gotta earn that high. I actually take that back.

[Pete Holmes]

Say it again.

[Beth Stelling]

I wanted you to earn the hive. I regret saying hi back.

[Pete Holmes]

I think. Have you heard anything about the production of Shark Tank?

[Beth Stelling]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

The first thing that happens is they ask you to go hit your mark. Everyone looks at the mark. I've never seen someone pitch the sharks and hit their mark. Not one actor. Not one actor. As a product. They all just look down at their marks and then they look up. And before they pitch, they say, stand there for, I think it's like 90 seconds. And the sharks stare at them. And they stare at the sharks and then they get a cue to go. So you get all this B roll. That's how they get all the. Like, that's all shot up top.

[Beth Stelling]

That's smart.

[Pete Holmes]

Smart. So we'll do that now.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. But I came out. This is my. This is my shark. Tell me if this. That was good. Okay, good. I can keep doing it. We're getting. We're getting it wild. We're still using these. Oh, oh. And here's when you tell Mark that it has any healing properties. Fuck you. I'm out.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, he hates it.

[Pete Holmes]

If you imply that lion's mane mushrooms, like, regulate your pulse. He'll kill your family. He hates it also. Sorry to riff.

[Beth Stelling]

Do you think he'd like beef tallow, though? I feel like that could be in his realm.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you? You mean for your skin or something?

[Beth Stelling]

For him, yeah. Because it's like beefy and food related.

[Pete Holmes]

It. Yes, I think he might, but it really depends on who's pitching it. If a thin, beautiful woman is selling her cookie dough company, they will all invest. If a heavier bodied person pitches their sprinkle company, they'll all be like, you, you got diabetes, get out of here. They shame them.

[Beth Stelling]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And they tell them like in no uncertain terms, like, you're a disgrace. It's the most. This is, isn't it?

[Beth Stelling]

Amazing?

[Pete Holmes]

Quantifiable. It's not my theory. They are so mean to heavy people on that show.

[Beth Stelling]

Well, makes sense if you're so amazed. Like just societally for sure. But I just mean is you just have to get like what they get away with when nobody's watching. Because I wouldn't have known that.

[Pete Holmes]

Known what?

[Beth Stelling]

What you just told me. Like, I can't believe they're getting away with that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Shark Tank is, but I mean.

[Beth Stelling]

They'Re in the power with the money and all.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. It's the most. As long as you're winning and as long as you have a ton of money. Yeah, we don't care.

[Beth Stelling]

I thought it recently. Thin. Thin wins. You know, like, thin wins. You see someone recovering from like, anorexia and their body is looking healthier. I just saw someone on Instagram and I was happy for them. But it's one of those. And you see, like, oh. So what I saw before was them sick. But everybody thought they were so beautiful and so thin and like when they.

[Pete Holmes]

Were like, cocaine skinny.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Like, because it didn't matter that it was unhealthy. Everybody thought they were so attractive.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

And now they're gaining weight, their body's like, recovering look. And it's sticking to them more. And I don't actually know the details of what it looks like if everybody's the same after anorexia, like, if they get big again or so. I don't know because I haven't lived it, but this person was really gaining more than you would like. I was just like, oh, my goodness, I've not seen them like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And I thought they looked great. I like the post. And I'm somebody who's, you know, real, Real men have curves.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you one of the things that I think about in movies and stuff? If I'm trying to cry, it's Kate Winslet with her daughter and they're in their underwear and they're looking in the mirror and. And Kate went. She told the story. She goes, aren't we lucky to have curves? She said to her daughter. It just makes me cry. Not anymore. For some reason, I thought you got.

[Beth Stelling]

To tear up a little.

[Pete Holmes]

A little bit. Just a little.

[Beth Stelling]

A song will get me. Songs make me cry. Oh, my gosh. I put on music this morning while I was making my grapevine.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, I need to tell you my idea.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, my God. Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't we. Can you hold on to that?

[Beth Stelling]

Of course. I mean, it was just. What was going to make me cry.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay.

[Beth Stelling]

But we can talk about grape nuts.

[Pete Holmes]

I do want to pitch you my idea.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay. Please. I'm dying. I'm actually running out of money because I gave it away to the three people before you, so hurry up.

[Pete Holmes]

Which ones?

[Beth Stelling]

The three people that just pitched.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I see. Cuz a very thin woman pitched her, like, cookie batter company.

[Beth Stelling]

I just bought an anorexics cookie batter.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. A fake woman. Somewhere there was a thicker person going, yes. Dance for me, my pretty. And counting the money. Yeah, yeah. Earpiece.

[Beth Stelling]

Tell them what's in it. I don't even know what. If it tastes good, I won't eat. I don't touch this.

[Pete Holmes]

And it doesn't matter. They're all just so taken. They're just. It's still 1951.

[Beth Stelling]

Sucks. I, I, they're like, I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

The numbers, and they're like, I know. Write a check. Just, if they could write it on a boner, they would. Here's your check. You know what I mean? It's so phallic. It's so machismo.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nacho Machismo. Anything. Doritos. Nachos.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I mean, that can go. That falls in the realm of Axe Body Spray. It's like nachos for macho people.

[Pete Holmes]

Would you eat Axe Body Spray if that taste was a flavor? No, no, no. It makes me kill bugs with it.

[Beth Stelling]

Makes me spit and blow air out of my nose.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's how you know it has, like a. Like the bug zapper. Like, if a bug zapper had a smell, I think it would be. I think it's behind that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so look, one of the best lines in your new special about the skydiving. Because you're so funny. I told you. I told Beth off camera, I was like, I don't want you to think it's show business. You're just so incredibly funny.

[Beth Stelling]

Thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

And so good.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

And one of a kind and clear. All the things. I sound like an executive, but, like, clear perspective, honest, but just deeply funny. And I don't want to ruin it, but I'm gonna tease it. You talk about the air in those indoor skydiving places being like, the hair, the air. It's not clean air. It's like the air that's displaced when.

[Beth Stelling]

You shove your foot in a sneaker.

[Pete Holmes]

Shove your foot. Which I did off camera, which is. You did. And there was a smell. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Such a good line. So there's moments like that where you get that, like, Gary Goulmany, like, holy shit, they did it. And then there's silliness and there's just storytelling. It's all of it.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, all the flavors.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a restaurant, like a Cheesecake Factory. And I mean that in a good way. I like Cheesecake Factory. Where they can do everything. A little bit of everything. Your Cheesecake Factory.

[Beth Stelling]

Why am I talking about Trump?

[Pete Holmes]

Your Cheesecake Factory. That's a compliment.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. We hated it.

[Beth Stelling]

That was pretty cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Did we hate it?

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. I hated it.

[Pete Holmes]

At my inauguration, we had Cheesecake Factory.

[Beth Stelling]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a beautiful factory. We're getting Americans back to work in the factory. Cheesecake Factory.

[Beth Stelling]

You're making too much sense. Honestly. To be him.

[Pete Holmes]

To be real.

[Beth Stelling]

To be him. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I see. To be.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Too logical.

[Beth Stelling]

He's making zero sense.

[Pete Holmes]

Facts. Well, lack of facts. Here's my pitch.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a car service, like Uber, but like to take you to the airport.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But they pull up, they get out. You drive.

[Beth Stelling]

Hell yeah. I'm in.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I don't even care if someone steals this idea. Please steal it.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not gonna do it. I think it's the most brilliant. Or have it be an option.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're insured, you drive.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I don't like being driven.

[Beth Stelling]

I hate it.

[Pete Holmes]

I hate it. I knew you hated based on how much you hate.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Your upstairs neighbors hate it. Sensitive people who, like, are locked in to the experience, like, of being driven. Some people are just like, it's all happening on tv, to quote Tay. Like, they're just not. They're fine. I'm not. I'm with him. I want to know his emotional state or her emotional state. I'm watching the phone activity.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, of course.

[Pete Holmes]

All of it.

[Beth Stelling]

What about you?

[Pete Holmes]

Take a nap. You look overworked. Is this your seventh time to the airport?

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll do this one.

[Beth Stelling]

I'll drive. Let me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll do this one. Come on.

[Beth Stelling]

Sit back. Lay back. Here. Where all the skin has been.

[Pete Holmes]

I just came up with the name where all the skin has been. Where all this has been leaving us. Oh, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Can we go all the windows, get some of the skin out and leave.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's also one of our services. We open both doors and leaf blow.

[Beth Stelling]

I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

No more skin. Or it's like a subway type material. Comfortable. And we hose it. Everyone gets hosed.

[Beth Stelling]

Or just a wipe down.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd take a wipe.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Because I think it would take too long to dry. Like fruit.

[Pete Holmes]

I need an alcohol based wipe down. Yeah, that evaporates. You can watch it. It's called Uber.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. I love it. I mean, being on the road so much this year, it's like. Yeah. I really dislike Uber and Lyft. Of course there's an outlier where I have a fine experience and the person's awake and you kind.

[Pete Holmes]

First one awake doesn't smell bad. All I want. Yeah, take a nap. You're a human. I care about you. You sleep.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll drive us.

[Beth Stelling]

100%. Well, this is like I. The long term issue of us Continuing to be comedians in this ever changing world of social media is like, I'm less free. I'm less. I'm more hesitant to put something out because of what the feedback will be on social. Yeah. And it doesn't mean it's so controversial.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

It's just like, oh, someone's going to hate that. Someone will say this. That's not funny enough. This or that. And I. It's not. It's not fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. You realize you're saying it to just too many people.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Whereas before, there wasn't that direct feedback. And I'm not saying, obviously, some feedback's good. Like, you need to learn and change and have it reflected back.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

But the simplest form of that for the longest time for me and for us was just a laugh or no laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Or a weird laugh.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Okay, so you didn't like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're getting a lot of. We're like Netflix.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now it's like too much data.

[Beth Stelling]

Somebody. I'm leaving my.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone paused it before. This can't be good if it was.

[Beth Stelling]

Paused my last hours coming off of Netflix here in, like, five days or something. And.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, they didn't renew it. No, See, because I'm up for renewal in, like, a couple years or whatever. And I'm like, do they ever do that?

[Beth Stelling]

Well, word on the street is no.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I'm not a businessman. I'm a businessman.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yay, Jay. Sorry. Wrong. Yeez. I don't. I think they're both called. I think they're both Yeezes.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yeah, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Jay Z is my favorite Yeezy.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not how it works.

[Beth Stelling]

Wait, I just was listening to Kid Cudi. What do we call him?

[Pete Holmes]

Kid Cudi Covid.

[Beth Stelling]

What do they call Jay Z? What's his other names?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Jay Z is called. We both just looked at Katie.

[Beth Stelling]

You're right. It's not yay. It's Jay Z. Who says that? I'm not a business man. I'm a business man. I can't believe I just did that.

[Pete Holmes]

Damn rude.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay, sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not a business man. But I'm like, why would they ever be? Like, because it's always, like, for people who don't know, Netflix will put your special up, and maybe it's not a lot of money, but then they're like, but if we renew it, we'll give you this much money.

[Beth Stelling]

And you go.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you're like, oh, why would you ever want to take it Down.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You like it now? You'll like it in three years. And they're like, in three years, we're going to be a mobile game app.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. We're actually going to have people place bets on whether or not we should keep you alive.

[Pete Holmes]

It'll be like a squid game with your special dangling over a boiling vat of coconut oil. And it'll smell good, but it'll be the destruction of everything you've made. Yes. Katie. What. What do we call Jay Z?

[Beth Stelling]

That's what I said. And then you said Covid.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Jehovah.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. The other one I don't really feel comfortable saying.

[Pete Holmes]

There's another one that has.

[Beth Stelling]

That maybe white people don't need to be saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, now I wanna.

[Beth Stelling]

It's just like, J, I, G, G.

[Pete Holmes]

A M A N. Yeah, that sounds.

[Beth Stelling]

I just don't need to say it.

[Pete Holmes]

It sounds like the name of a talkie that. That wasn't good. It wasn't good or right to enjoy. Two to that. You know, like. But it's okay. It's okay. Over there.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I just watched on 30 Rock, it was such a funny running gag that. He's dating Salma Hayek. Alec Baldwin is. And he keeps asking what he should call her, and she says, I'm a Puerto Rican. And he's like, I know that's what you call yourself, but what should I call? And it's like a runner through the show that every time someone says Puerto Rican, they're like, I don't think you're supposed to. It made me laugh. Where were we? The stuff in your bag. The valet. You like my. My. My shark idea.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yes. I think that's good. We were talking about Netflix not renewing. I have that, but we're. The special that's recent is on YouTube. It's called the Landlord Special.

[Pete Holmes]

And how did you. It's amazing.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you. Listen, thanks for doing that.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually listened to it. I hope you don't mind. I don't mind, but it's on the.

[Beth Stelling]

It's on the YouTube view counts. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess what? Didn't pause. Didn't pause once.

[Beth Stelling]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Straight through.

[Beth Stelling]

And that's incredible. These days.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Beth Stelling]

Because even good people I love and respect, you know, you're pausing. You're walking away to your desk or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Mike Birbiglio will start a setup. I'll pause and be like, he'll get to it. I actually won't pause. I'll go and make bread, and then I'll come back and I'll Be like, here we are in time for the punchline. I have my hot fresh sourdough and he's like, that's why we call him.

[Beth Stelling]

Is he gonna be tootsie Rolls. You're getting roasted.

[Pete Holmes]

I can roast. Mike.

[Beth Stelling]

I. I know you guys do have that roasting. Like you do have that relationship.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so close. I can non present roast.

[Beth Stelling]

I have to say, I am. Yeah. No, I know that I'm probably roastier because of you and my time.

[Pete Holmes]

You're roast here because of my time. Your time with me.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Because I didn't know that about you. And then I did. And same for Mulaney and you guys together. And very roasted tea. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Conan. Very roasty. I know that's name droppy, but you wouldn't think Conan was fierce.

[Beth Stelling]

I agree. He is.

[Pete Holmes]

He'll get you. He'll get you. He's not a talker. He'll get you.

[Beth Stelling]

I know. And yes, in the moment. I remember, you know, late night. Your set. My set on your show is one of my favorites. Like, I was very comfortable. You were so generous and like said, hey, laugh for this person. I like them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

It didn't feel like lattorial.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. And the other ones, I'm just kind.

[Pete Holmes]

Of happy to be on a planet where people say gladiatorial.

[Beth Stelling]

Well, I actually love that. I mean, that's. That can be a vibe sometime. Oh, yeah. This is my more merch. But this actually was made for me. This is like a joke from the special that's leaving that I'm sure will be on YouTube soon and I can make upwards $2 on it. This is actually from if you didn't want me then.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Which.

[Pete Holmes]

That record.

[Beth Stelling]

Which is. Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Beth Stelling]

Which is. Yeah. This is a joke about getting a lobotomy. Let's get our heads.

[Pete Holmes]

If you got work done, you would get our.

[Beth Stelling]

Because I'm aging naturally is the plan. I haven't done anything to my face.

[Pete Holmes]

Your face. Okay. You did it. You did like an ugly face.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just having like a. An. An appropriate friendly. You look great. When somebody has a bit like I'm aging. You're like, I wonder if I see next time I see Beth. I did see you recently.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, what if I see you and you look like you chose the wrong grail?

[Beth Stelling]

I mean, it's going to drop eventually. There'll be a time where it's like, okay. But I have honestly, the hour I'm touring with right now probably has 20 minutes on aging naturally in plastic surgery. It's a fine. What do we say? Needle to thread? Because.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It is a fine needle thread.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Because it sounds wrong. I know that is it. But it is wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

It sounds wrong.

[Beth Stelling]

I. I'm really enjoying it because it's like my. You know, it's how I feel, and I'm passionate about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Beth Stelling]

Also, of course, I see people like. I also the crux of some of the jokes that are like, yeah. I mean, just keep it in the open. That helps everybody to be like, oh, I got this done, and I've been doing Botox and this or that. Because, well, you have. No, I've done none of it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I was like, sorry.

[Beth Stelling]

No, no, I'm saying it helps when people talk like that on their Instagram.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you want to. No problem. I don't have ownership of your body or an opinion of it.

[Beth Stelling]

Exactly. This is the issue. I mean, with this and stand up. Sometimes in general, I want feedback. Right. Because I don't want to miss something that's glaring. Because sometimes our perspectives are limited. Like, that's part of being human. Just in general, in stand up.

[Pete Holmes]

Of your comedy. I thought you meant your face.

[Beth Stelling]

No, no, I welcome it.

[Pete Holmes]

I scan the comments, I search for the word face. This person thinks I have a big round face. That's useful for my craft.

[Beth Stelling]

Somebody just speaking to this point, I said, this special's coming down. And some guy wrote, I've watched it one and a half times. Do you want my critique?

[Pete Holmes]

And I said, roger Ebert.

[Beth Stelling]

I said, I don't even remember it. Honestly, I don't remember the special or any of the jokes in it. Like, this rings a bell. And whatever you said back. No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

The.

[Beth Stelling]

If you didn't want me, then it's two years old. I don't remember it. Do you want a critique? I don't remember it. It's done.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, it's done.

[Beth Stelling]

And then I just said, what would your opinion do for me?

[Pete Holmes]

Right. You. Oh, nice. You engaged?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I always think that helps the algorithm.

[Beth Stelling]

I often do.

[Pete Holmes]

I often do.

[Beth Stelling]

Everybody says I shouldn't, and it does. There are times where it makes me feel really bad because I've never. I've definitely been cruel for sure, back to somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Beth Stelling]

100%.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Okay, tell me that. I looked for a take and I was like, I don't really have, like, an opinion.

[Beth Stelling]

I've been mean to people who, like, just.

[Pete Holmes]

But Sarah, who we both love, will sometimes go, the. What's up, buddy? Yeah, Route sort of famously.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But you'll go though.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, it depends on my mood.

[Pete Holmes]

How little is your pekka?

[Beth Stelling]

No, I'll just, like, look up their. I'll click on their Facebook profile, see they're married to a woman named Nicole, and say, I think your time would be better spent making Nicole come with your mouth. Well, and you should be focusing on that. I didn't even laugh at that.

[Pete Holmes]

I just said it. That's when I realized we are assassins. You're like. And then I'll sneak up behind them in the tub, I'll stab them six times. And I'm like, wow. Not. Not horrified. Just kind of like, wow.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You should go make Nicole come with your mouth.

[Beth Stelling]

Focus on making Nicole come with your mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is pretty great.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, why are you wasting your time doing this with me if you don't like?

[Pete Holmes]

You are also implying, like, you're a loser who could be engaging in cunning instead. You're kind of flinging at me, Right?

[Beth Stelling]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Anything. I'm workshop.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

What if you go on and go, Stop kind of flinging at me? Delete. Delete. It was awful every time. We thought it. Okay. Yeah. So you engage.

[Beth Stelling]

But you were saying, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

You're also right. There is a misunderstanding that it's like they want to tell you something. I don't know. Everybody just. Maybe I'm just feeling spacious today, if that makes sense, that I'm just sort of like, he just wants to talk to you. But I also have another mode where I'm like, yeah, this is. This is your trip. Like, you just want to be like, I know what was right and I know what was wrong.

[Beth Stelling]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is like, so much of.

[Beth Stelling]

There are varying degrees of what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

In some ways, you don't want to be the person that's like, oh, did somebody hit you at school? They like you, right? You don't want to be like, why.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it on you?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. In other ways, you go, okay, this world has been incurred. Has encouraged them to engage. Like. Like, our brains are all rewired.

[Pete Holmes]

One of your great lines is like, were men first or were they the only ones allowed? Like, when it comes to flight and stuff? Sorry. It just brings it to mind.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. It's like, were you the first to do it? Or were you the first or the only one allowed to do it?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. It's like white men the first to make slavery. Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't know what the riff is. But it's like a white man.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. First in flight.

[Pete Holmes]

Allowed to do a lot of things and privilege. So this guy in that sort of cocoon was like, I'm going to tell this person what to do.

[Beth Stelling]

Which I can bring back to my comment, my descriptor of gladiatorial, which is. Oh, yeah, I don't like it. Yeah, I like to. It's like, leave me alone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, leave me alone. I would actually say alone. That's what I love. Not just saying love about your stand up is the like. If you could turn it into a frequency, it would be like 432 hertz or something. It's like one of those calming. I don't mean sleepy.

[Beth Stelling]

Well, I'm not offended whatsoever.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a spacious. I don't. I'm not asking, but not in a. Like. I'm not asking. Oh, it's not like that. But there's like a oak like authority that is still soft in soft. Not. I don't mean feminine soft. I mean like it's the strength of openness.

[Beth Stelling]

Stink.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the like. What was that? Like when you go. Are you the Denver elites?

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's a nice little moment.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

And you see that this person isn't doing comedy. It's my favorite compliment. You're not doing complimenting. My favorite compliment. Some say it's the best that you aren't doing comedy at them. You're doing it. You're not. You're not even really doing it. You know what I mean? There's no, like.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean you're just being funny. You're being funny instead of doing jokes.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. Or. Or performing a script or something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

You're. You're there. When you laugh, it feels genuine. Unlike me.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't want to.

[Pete Holmes]

Just kidding. Sorry. Bringing myself.

[Beth Stelling]

You are locked in. I mean, like, you know, at Largo, you're.

[Pete Holmes]

I think we're very similar and I don't mean to give you all these compliments, but I think we're going after the same thing. I would say that a locked in.

[Beth Stelling]

I want to present. Yeah. Relationship based. Like with the people who are there. Like, I look out and like the people I see. Yeah, very much.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean you like them?

[Beth Stelling]

I do. I mean the people that come to see me, I've curated over many years and they're.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel the same way.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. It's like I have a relationship with them. I look, can I remember every single person's name? No. But I do Remember faces and people that come back to see me. And it means a lot to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Same.

[Beth Stelling]

It's like, I. This is. You guys are the reason I can keep coming.

[Pete Holmes]

You're the kind of sunlight that is right for the kind of flower you are.

[Beth Stelling]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But they. We need each other so badly.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And so much of comedy, especially in the early years, is learning how to be bulletproof or this is one way to do it. Become, like, indestructible and, like, I can do it. These jokes are tried and true. And then, like, if you're fortunate, you get to a place where you have fans and you have a voice and you go, like. Like the act that you do on the Landlord special, available now on YouTube for free. And then later it'll be optioned by Netflix. It's so weird. But then you owe them $100,000.

[Beth Stelling]

I say, you can have it for free. And they say, no, thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

I just got a pass from quite a few places. And I was like, but you didn't even lowball me. You're just saying no. Which. Look, that's just my hurt feelings. I don't know.

[Beth Stelling]

I. I've. I've been trying. I. The reason it's on, the reason there is a half hour on YouTube is because I couldn't get my next special made.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

So I lifted. I kept growing that story. And then I said, this is an easy lift from my new hour. So I'll put this here because I want something. I want to put something out for my fans and people who like me and to generate people to come see me on the road, which I'm so many people, I'm sure you experience this are like, well, we didn't watch it because we wanted to see you on the road. It's like, if I put it out typically within the first, I should be done with.

[Pete Holmes]

Actually never gotten that. And that concerns me.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, well, it should, because people are doing the same act for, like, a lot lately. I've heard what people who are very popular, who came up quickly don't have much material.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying so hard not to be snarky.

[Beth Stelling]

I know. But I'm just saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Beth Stelling]

The feedback has been.

[Pete Holmes]

Go on.

[Beth Stelling]

We didn't watch this special that you just put out because we were going to come here and I said, oh, it's all new.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

I mean, relative.

[Pete Holmes]

We're the old school.

[Beth Stelling]

I moved from that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I retired it.

[Beth Stelling]

That's what I mean when somebody said, you want to critique on what? My past.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

On something. I Did as a three year old. You want me to redo it?

[Pete Holmes]

The Sistine Chapel's open and you just looked up. Done. No notes. And we. We've disassembled the scaffolding.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. And that's it. Like. Well, to all this point, it's like. It is a give and take of critique or feedback or whatever. But similarly, like the new, to me, Late Night is like a don't tell comedy set. Like, you know that group of people, they do shows all over the country. It's called don't tell comedy, and they put out sets for people, and it is kind of like it's. It's the new late night in a lot of ways.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, is that right? Okay.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Because it gets a lot of views and they have it an audience. I put up some. I. I did a 10 minute set for them and I wanted to do old stuff because I was about to record things and it was just old. It was an old joke. I thought, it's still good. I'll do it. I haven't been dating in forever. And it was about a dating app joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Some girl commented on it and was like, Just to let you know, Kyle Kanan did this better. And I just tagged Kyle and I said, oof, looks like one of your biggest fans, you know, like this. And Kyle wrote back, isn't the Internet the fucking worst? He goes, tom Papa did better than both of us. And he quoted one of Tom's jokes that's also about.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the same.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, we all wrote something on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

We're all fucking human beings. And it's done. I don't. I. I'm not even doing that joke anymore. It's there. It's commemorated in that way.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if you remember, because we would talk about the sun crashing a lot. I've told this story too many times, but I can tell it in 10 seconds.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Greg Fitzsimmons, who I love, and he would stand by this. He goes, a guy stole my fountain joke. And I go, no, he didn't. And he goes, yeah, it was. I'm making the story better. He's like, yes, he did. Really setting it up. I was like, let me guess. It's about how we have so much water, we just put it in fountains and we throw money in the fountains. And he was like, yeah. And it was like. It was a really sweet moment because Greg is brilliant. That joke is good.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's only so many jokes you can write, and we do jump too quick. He wasn't mad, by the way. Yeah, yeah, he was just saying, like, I think someone might have stolen it. I made the story better. But anyway, it's like we jump too quickly to someone tackling me.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes they were just saying something or ordering a drink. Or ordering a drink.

[Beth Stelling]

Maybe I've kicked people out for ordering a drink like seven years ago.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. We turn them into problems and we put them into Fight Flight. This is one of my big talking points. I can't stop making this point. But there's. Sometimes they're just going, like, what? But we take it as what? Or like, you.

[Beth Stelling]

I had one last night. I riffed and then I left. But it wasn't like, volatile.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, you know, with time, you. It's like, you know, waves over rocks on the ocean.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. You ease up. But that's also what I'm picking up in your stand up is you've eased up. Like, I'm not seeing someone in Fight Flight.

[Beth Stelling]

And I was for a while, especially what I've been through. Like, there were times where I was on stage. You were the one who pointed it out. When I was talking about things that were deeply personal, upsetting. I. And I'm trying to make jokes about them. I. Would you notice that I was going like this.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, covering your fear hole.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. And so my hand wouldn't shake.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Because it was making me so upset.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And yeah. Part of me was like, okay, so am I not ready to make these jokes? Should I distance myself from them? And so it's like, did you tell.

[Pete Holmes]

Me at the time, like, it's because my hand's gonna shake? And then.

[Beth Stelling]

No, I think it's a mix of both. No, no, I think you were like, you're like. I don't know if you're ready to be talking about it because you're like, protecting yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Like this.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope I take those cues as like, oh, your body knows.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, very much. And I was like, I was in therapy. I was going to somatic therapy. Like, you know, I was working things out of my body for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

That were painful and from, you know, being abused. But.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

So I was able to get to a point too with those jokes where I could distance myself from it, but what I was left with was like, okay, let me put my armor on before I go to war on stage. It sounds so dramatic.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

All my gladiatorial references. But, like, you know, I'm gonna put my armor on. I'm gonna Go out and do it and fight. And everybody's not here on my side and everybody is here to go, you know, make us laugh. When in so many ways, even during those times, if I couldn't, I couldn't let it in. But people paid to see me. They like me. They like.

[Pete Holmes]

They want you to do that was.

[Beth Stelling]

The beauty of Meltdown. Whenever I see Katie, I think of meltdown, but it's like, I remember the first compliment from that realm of our time there. Someone came up to me was like, we always love when you're on the show because we just want to. Whatever you have to say about anything, we just want to hear it. Like, you know, it was just sort of like. That's when I understood. Like, you can give yourself some grace because it doesn't always have to be these hard hitting jokes. Sometimes people just grow to like you and they want to spend time with you.

[Pete Holmes]

The whole sorry feel very strongly. Everything's an excuse to hang out. Literally this podcast, we just hang out for two hours and talk. So that's quite literally an excuse to hang out. But the show is too. Them with each other and them with you and then all of us together. And it's wrong to be like. It's to grade the set.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, we want the set to be good, but let us worry about that. It's a little bit like parenting. It's like sometimes Leela will. My daughter will be like. Like, she'll catch me zoning out and like, maybe I just kind of look serious. And she's like, are you okay? And I'm like, dad's always okay. And you don't have to worry about that. Like, Like, I got it. You're the child.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And in a sweet way, not a condescending way. I'll. I got it. Like, let me worry about it. Just enjoy it. Let's just enjoy each other.

[Beth Stelling]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a chef making a meal. It's a loving act.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll be the one that loses sleep on how to shave a line and change a thing and yeah, talking to myself in the car. I'll do that. That's. That's the price I pay to happily to like, do this. You just enjoy it.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's sweet.

[Beth Stelling]

And that's why I think too. I mean, you know, that's why people either love or hate an open mic because that person's not in charge and they don't know what they're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

And they're scared and that's uncomfortable to watch.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a first time babysitter and you're like, yeah, they're not watching your kid. They're watching your life.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. There is. There is a.

[Pete Holmes]

In charge of your life for four minutes. God damn people.

[Beth Stelling]

I remember.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember, like, if a pilot was like, does anyone want to just try it? This is, this is how we all learn.

[Beth Stelling]

They're making bad jokes. Did you guys feel that one?

[Pete Holmes]

I. By the way, how many pilots get on that PA and just do a little. Have you had this, Had a pilot.

[Beth Stelling]

Try to be funny?

[Pete Holmes]

I've had flight attendants and pilots both do little routines.

[Beth Stelling]

I've. They've gotten me a couple times. Sometimes they're very annoying, and other times.

[Pete Holmes]

Depends on your mood.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

A lesson for us. But I'm also like, look, we have people cross through a threshold, enter into a space called the comedy club.

[Beth Stelling]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm on an airplane.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I need you to take this a little more seriously, honestly, so.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, Yes. I prefer it when they're like 222 souls on board. You ever hear them, like, they take it real serious to remind them how many people they're in charge of. I don't want them to be like, cockpit.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no chickens up here. I don't. I don't want that. I don't want that at all. You were saying? I interrupted.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, I forgot.

[Pete Holmes]

We're talking about somatic healing.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's not seeing the audience as an adversary.

[Beth Stelling]

Right. And also, just in general, you're like, my mom has said this to me before, which I appreciate is just this idea of, like, she's like, your vulnerability, your willingness to do that. You put so much of yourself into it. It's your strength and your weakness.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And I am extremely vulnerable, and it does sometimes harm me because it's. I, I. It's harder to separate myself from my act because it's my life. It is you now, and it's very much me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can feel rejected. No, we're going for the same thing.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Very, very similar.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. That's what I like. I don't. I'm not really here for word math and the shock stuff. Like, how are we not past shock? You're just shocking. Of corpse. I, I agree that, like, you know, whatever. It's been discussed a lot lately, of course, because of all the comedians that helped get this monster in office, but it's like you're a defibrillator on a corpse, saying the R word or the F word or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, oh, shocking. Yeah. Dead thing.

[Beth Stelling]

Who you want. Your audience is corpses.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

I mean, it's just such a dumb thing to try to do.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean by corpses?

[Beth Stelling]

It's just like. Because these are just brain dead. It's just like brain dead. People are just like.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what I. I sort of. I don't like when people reduce comedy to anything. And I love Anthony. But I saw a clip, Jesel Nick who he had a clip where he goes, I think comedy is a hundred percent surprise. Like that's the whole gimmick. And I was like a certain kind of comedy.

[Beth Stelling]

And he does word math, though.

[Pete Holmes]

He does perfect jokes. He would tell you like he's trying. So math is another way of saying precision.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Delivery.

[Beth Stelling]

There's no heart. There's no personal.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not his thing.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Our thing.

[Beth Stelling]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Is not. In fact, it would be the opposite. I. Whenever I go out on stage, people know this. I say, it's not about the words. It's not about the words. It's about some sort of connection. My favorite reviews are the ones where they're like, he was locked in with the audience. That's what I'm going for. Not I made them. And this is not putting down Anthony. They thought I was going to say banana and I said kiwis with a big pussy. You know what I mean? I surprise you. I did it. Kiwis don't have vaginas.

[Beth Stelling]

Wait a minute.

[Pete Holmes]

With a big. And I said it kind of.

[Beth Stelling]

I've never seen a wrinkly kiwi.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's a wrinkly. Ever cut into a kiwi. And there's a pussy. What a God awful moment in this podcast.

[Beth Stelling]

Forgive us.

[Pete Holmes]

Forgive us our sins. What a weird thing to say. Okay, so. Yeah, you know, can I selfishly. Go ahead.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

No. What do you got? You're the guest.

[Beth Stelling]

Well, I'm just saying. Of course there's different tastes. There's like. I. This is another thing I've been saying lately. I'm in this current hour, I'm touring.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I feel like I have to stop mentioning your. Your hot new tour.

[Beth Stelling]

I was just at McGoobies in Baltimore. Things are not good.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, gotta move those texts. That's selling dot com the same place as the socks.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, of course. Two new orders just rolled in.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's for one side.

[Beth Stelling]

The reason I'm saying is because, you know, I don't like to be disingenuous. If someone then later hears me on tour, I should probably stop prefacing. That, that's like a pet peeve.

[Pete Holmes]

What? What?

[Beth Stelling]

Being like, I'm have a joke about this, or I'm talking about this right now.

[Pete Holmes]

I think the windows are open and the doors are unlocked.

[Beth Stelling]

Well, I, it just like, I never wanted to feel like Bob and Tom, where they're like, I heard you've been hiking with your scarf on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I, I, I stopped doing it, but I was about to just full on. Do I think podcasts. It's a sleepover. Yeah, it's different.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no, there's no, like, this is a show. It is a show, but I think you're, you're safe. It doesn't burn material.

[Beth Stelling]

Well, not burning material. I just don't want to be like slipping it in.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I see.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, I don't care about burning material. Okay. But in currently, I'm just saying this idea of Bob, Tom really helped me.

[Pete Holmes]

Help me get into that audience. They'd say, mike, how are you? And I'd be like, I should have said nothing.

[Beth Stelling]

I didn't do the thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't do it. This episode is brought to us by our [e-mail]. this ever happened to you? You ever fall in love with a couch or a lamp online and then your soul leaves your body when you see the price tag? That happens to everybody. And that is where dupe comes in. I've been using dupe and it is awesome. You just type dupe.com before any product link and boom, it does all the work for you. It shows you similar, more affordable versions. I'm talking same vibe, same quality, sometimes even the exact same thing. Just not marked up with a fancy label. Because you find a chair you want, it's too expensive, you type in dupe.com and then the link for that chair, they find you the same chair, half price. Now you can buy two and make that breakfast. Nook sing, baby. It's totally free. No sign up, no weird pop up. So you can even add the browser extension or grab the app. So stop overpaying for a name. Decorate your home of your dreams without going broke. Go to dupe.com today and start saving. That'S-U-P e.com. it's free, it's easy, and honestly, it's a little bit addictive. Try it. Hello, I'm James Corden, and on my new show, this Life of Mine, I sit down each week with some of the most fascinating people on planet Earth. From Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore to David Beckham to Cynthia Erivo to Martin Scorsese to Jeremy Renner to Denzel Washington to Kim Kardashian. We talk about the people, places, possessions, music, and memories that made them who they are. These are in intimate conversations, full of stories that you've never heard before. This Life of Mine premieres October 21st. Wherever you get your podcasts, go on.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay. I forgot.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay, whatever. Who cares? This. There's different genres of music. There's different genres of comedy. If you don't like me, that's fine. Don't come see me. But same Anthony's a different thing. You want to go?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

In fact, you would have to prepare some of my fans to be okay to go watch that. They'd be like, I bet it's not real.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Beth Stelling]

When he says the thing about this, he's just a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I understand that completely.

[Beth Stelling]

I just say that to my mom when I opened for him, like, a decade ago.

[Pete Holmes]

Anthony. Oh. You were like. Just so you know, it's not real. The joke is. It's a joke.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I was like, don't invest in this. Like, don't take it personally.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes you really. I mean, it's like the Internet.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you take it too literally. What I was gonna say, if you'll allow it.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Allowed. I think forgot to look at my hair. Has it been nuts?

[Pete Holmes]

It's great. We also have that in common, our hair. Yeah. Val will be like, pete, please, please look in the mirror. And you had that line where you go, oh, yeah, I didn't look at the back of my head, which is funny. This is so. This is so best selling, meaning it's already good. We're already happy. And then you went, it's none of my business. What's back there is none of my business. And I was like, fucking good. Your mom is right. The gold medal. I love that. Did she really say women's?

[Beth Stelling]

She said she meant.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's the Olympic joke.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, I'm. She meant. She said this in conversation. She says so many funny things to me lately. She's been like, I haven't cussed. And she started saying the F word. And she was like, yeah, I. I didn't cuss in 75 years, but I just feel like it's time, you know, she started dropping F bombs lately, which is different. It's like, so you don't hear your mom saying that. And then all of a sudden, 75, she's like, it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, just. It.

[Beth Stelling]

It.

[Pete Holmes]

Beth.

[Beth Stelling]

And that guy's a. Oh, my gosh. She was having a. A, A. A spat with her neighbor.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And she, like, prefaced it like, you're never going to believe what I said.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Beth Stelling]

And what? They got into it. And my mom said to her, and.

[Pete Holmes]

This was the big shocker over blocking shade or something.

[Beth Stelling]

It was trimming. My mom. The lady wanted to trim her bush back.

[Pete Holmes]

It's always trim.

[Beth Stelling]

But my mom bush was actually on her property. It was.

[Pete Holmes]

So your mom's bush was bleeding onto your neighbor's and it was filled with bugs.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. So. No.

[Pete Holmes]

Very earthy.

[Beth Stelling]

She goes, you'll never believe what I said. I said, you bugged the hell out of me. That was the big. That was the big drop.

[Pete Holmes]

Where is this again?

[Beth Stelling]

Ohio. Southwest. Ohio State.

[Pete Holmes]

We were just talking about it. That is amazing. You bug the hell out of me.

[Beth Stelling]

You bugged the hell out of me.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what?

[Beth Stelling]

You bugged that.

[Pete Holmes]

You've gotten my goat, madam. You're grinding my gears.

[Beth Stelling]

You've got my tail in a knot.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I. Speaking of workshopping bits, let's borrow Mike Birbiglia's podcast for a moment. No one will notice. Jk. He's doing great, I will say, because I've been roasting Mikey. He's so funny, and he's even funnier than I remember. Whenever I make fun of him for, like, being like, whatever, Whatever I'm teasing him about, then I listen to his podcast, because I do.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called working it out. I'll just be like, God damn it. Every. He's just working on something, and you're like, it's already great. So he's wonderful.

[Beth Stelling]

So, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That earnestness. That will end.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't like seeing him live. I saw that. Old man in the Sea.

[Pete Holmes]

Old man in the Pool.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you. Duh. The other one is.

[Pete Holmes]

This was me realizing it was a play on Old man in the Sea.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And it. Because it's Old man and the Sea. This is Old man in the pool.

[Beth Stelling]

Wait, Old man and the pool. Or in.

[Pete Holmes]

It's in the pool.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay. Either way, Scott.

[Pete Holmes]

My favorite Birbiglia roasts. You look like something you'd find in a pool filter. Just like you pull a person out of a pool filter. You look like Paul Rudd hasn't had vitamin D in a few decades. Okay. We're having fun. Oh, no, that was. I said you. You look like. We can finally find out what Paul Rudd will look like when he ages. Anyway. Sorry, Mike. Bru. Biglary.

[Beth Stelling]

I always try to think of the. I'm not good at Roasts. I feel the only ones. References from the show. I don't know if I ever made it in. I said, even when Pete's naked, he looks like he's wearing khakis.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if we got in either.

[Beth Stelling]

Either way, I'm not good at it. Like, that's. I could. Sometimes I am. Okay. I can come up with a roast joke.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think you should be. This is not false modesty. You should be glad when someone's really good at roasting. And I'm pretty okay at it, but I have to, like, activate it. Like that wheel in the Princess Bride that they torture the guy with. If I get it going for days, I'll just walk around being like, look at this piece of.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Boob shadow. You like. I. And Jeff Ross is so sweet. But I'm like, it comes at a cost.

[Beth Stelling]

It does.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you walk through an airport.

[Beth Stelling]

It's not my vibe, and I don't want to do it. All the people who I see these. Honestly, there's some talented young people coming up in roasts.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And I'm like, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I know we're losing them. I'm not saying it's the dark side, because I really love.

[Beth Stelling]

It's a little dark side for me. But you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Turn you dark. Dark side. I don't know.

[Beth Stelling]

I think of Natasha doing Bieber, and she was such a standout, and it was so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

You know, so there are times where you go. And she's Natasha. She's not.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll actually.

[Beth Stelling]

The dark side.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll talk out the other side of my face. I. I think it can be some of the funniest stuff ever. I just think the tone. I make this point all the time. Remember cards against humanity.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you don't know, it's like a card game. And it's like, what's your least favorite race? Like, it's just a joke.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Supposed to be shocking once the world got more like, what's your least favorite race? And I'm not even trying to be funny. It just got more sinister and nasty. The need for roasting. Roasting is for the time of harvest.

[Beth Stelling]

I see.

[Pete Holmes]

It's when we should be around the maypole and somebody is like, but remember darkness.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And somebody's like, oh, that was a hoot. When he put on the frog mask and said I was. Whatever. A tyrant.

[Beth Stelling]

No, I see what you mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's fun. But when the world gets really dark, I turn less to the cards against Humanity.

[Beth Stelling]

That makes sense. No, I do like that. I think, too. I've also just been, like, on Boots on the ground here at, like, comedy festivals and stuff, where I'm seeing no name people, you know, in the least disrespectful way possible. It's not a famous person, and it's.

[Pete Holmes]

Just two people being like, no real person involved.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, no real person involved.

[Pete Holmes]

No real person involved. Yikes.

[Beth Stelling]

You know, and they're up there truly being like, your mom died in a car accident.

[Pete Holmes]

Awful.

[Beth Stelling]

Your dad's overdosed and you got.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Art in high school. It's like, are. Is everybody okay?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

You don't just, like, deeply research someone's trauma and say it into a microphone?

[Pete Holmes]

There's something about passing on the worst of us. And again, I like roasts. I'm just saying, like, the young. You mentioned the young people doing it. It's like we're handing down, like, a weird. It's a franchise now, but it's a weird trait.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, why carry that to your point of the harvest? It's. It's also like. Well, typically when they happened, it was someone who did kind of need to either be taken down a peg or brought back into society after they did something crappy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, it doesn't make a lot of sense to roast. Just to echo your.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We used to roast George Burns, and the guy was like, yeah, I think beloved and. And well off and. And it was fun to, like, kind.

[Beth Stelling]

Of make fun of that power, I guess, like, counterpoint. I've never loved the idea of we roast those we love. That doesn't resonate with me. It's like, you know, when there's a comic on stage, you just can't hear them. That word, that sentence. I'm like, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

To me, the best ones that I've enjoyed or that are necessary or what I just said a second ago, which is like, Bieber was acting or.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Rob Lowe.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Dealt with all this crap. Charlie Sheen.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

He made a mockery of himself in public. And now we.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Honestly, it's a weird little up way to bring people back into society.

[Pete Holmes]

It can, at its best, be the opposite of when there's been a trauma in a family or an abuse and no one talks about it.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That nastiness, that darkness that all the grows in a roast can be like, we don't do that here, dad, you're an alcoholic. You know what I mean? It's sort of mirroring that. You know what I'm saying, Yeah. I don't know what I was saying. What is that beep?

[Beth Stelling]

I bet it's some garbage person or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't sound like a regular beep. Sounds like a beep. We don't know when it's gonna be back.

[Beth Stelling]

An unpredictable beep.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't remember what I was saying. Roasting, but I was gonna say. I've been wanting to say this for a minute. Remember? I was like, let's do Mike's podcast. That's what brought us onto the roasts. Oh, we don't roast those who we love. There was a great revisionist history podcast about Sammy Davis Jr. And he. It's actually really. I think I found it to be quite sad. And they were talking about how Sammy. They were exploring the idea of the. That calling somebody a house slave.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Not in that. Those terms. They're like, where does that come from? What does that mean? And kind of digresses into an exploration of Sammy Davis Jr. As this guy who likes a lot of black people, had an issue with how he sort of like, okay, yeah, like, when. I don't know. You should listen the podcast.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Clearly not the person to explain this, but they play audio of the roast of Sammy Davis Jr. And he's dying laughing. And you're like. This, to me, is like not roasting someone you love. This is like, these guys couldn't wait.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

To make every lazy racist joke. And I'm not even on a high horse. I'm just saying there was just something very low.

[Beth Stelling]

Was it a lot of white guys doing it?

[Pete Holmes]

It's all white guys.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay. That's what I just wanted.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a hundred percent white. There's this one black guy, and you'd think, yeah, it's gonna come up.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the only thing that came up. And. And what killed me, though, is him. Because I've been this guy.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When I was young, someone like Marc Maron would make fun of me and I'd be like. But on the inside, you're like, that hurts.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sucks.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's like, again, you should listen to the podcast. I can't summarize it, but anyway, it's relative to today.

[Beth Stelling]

We don't. I don't know how much we want to get into it as two white people.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not white.

[Beth Stelling]

Tell me more. Did you do.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in big trouble. You're in big trouble. No, I'm.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I don't. Again, like you kind of just said, we're not really the people to talk about it. But, but I have spoken with other non white comics throughout my big tour. You know, big hot tours. Yeah. Cuz like we're, we're, we're backstage, we're riffing, we're talking about stuff, stuff's in the news. We have the Kill Tony stuff going on and the current regime.

[Pete Holmes]

You just mean that Kill Tony is a thing.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, just that like there is a connection lately between politics and comics.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know because I don't check it. I didn't know if something had happened.

[Beth Stelling]

Well, it comes up and when, if I, if I've young people opening for me or we're, you know, chatting backstage, but.

[Pete Holmes]

And when do you make me cry? You're like, oh, we don't do that. What?

[Beth Stelling]

We don't do that here. But yeah, to your point. And then we can move on because again, I'm not really the person to talk about it. There is this idea of like is, was Sammy Davis Jr. Laughing all the way to the bank?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And I believe MG Malcolm Gladwell considers that.

[Beth Stelling]

So.

[Pete Holmes]

And did he, was he a trailblazer? Like they're kind of questioning like, was he sort of like a patsy? I don't know how to say it. Or was he like brilliant.

[Beth Stelling]

Right. But the reason I'm bringing it up is Kill Tony. The reason I brought it up is there, there are comics right now that I've spoken to some of the like, like people that came up on Kill Tony. Like I don't know if they're playing the game. It's the same reason, I guess Chappelle like left the country. People are laughing for the wrong reasons.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

And to your point of, you know, like, that's not helping us now obviously a race of people is not a monolith, but it's just this idea of, okay, you're getting rich and famous off of this in a white centered show.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I understand what you're saying.

[Beth Stelling]

And that's not helping us on the road because that's not how we are. We don't like you're, you're losing track.

[Pete Holmes]

Of some of the us's.

[Beth Stelling]

I know, sorry. I'm trying to know you're doing. Because I don't want to like call a comic out when it's like, are you not my story to tell?

[Pete Holmes]

Are the, the comics that might be getting to the point where they can tour from Kill Tony where maybe they were uncomfortable or, or like it was weird.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Or even I, I've had there was they all. It's like, I Don't want. I. I need to, like, not speak to someone else's experience. But it's like, yeah. Laughing for the wrong reasons.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I see.

[Beth Stelling]

I want them to, like, a comic goes on. Who I'm trying to think of is I just. The reason I'm, like, hesitating is because I just don't want to name someone and tell their story.

[Pete Holmes]

That's okay.

[Beth Stelling]

But it's basically, like, getting a lot of fans who might not be respectful to you.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't think that's unique to Kill Tony or any way of coming up. But what's interesting, when you're picking your path, you might be attracted. Like, you. You mentioned how much you love your fans.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I did my show last night, and I was like, oh, my God, these are just such special people. I was like. I asked them. I was like, what would you like to talk about? And someone said, joseph Campbell. And another person said, God. And I was like, what is this? Like, it's just, like, such a special, sensitive and smart group, and I'm really grateful. So when you're playing the hands and the avenues that are available to you, you might be getting you. Right. You might. You might be letting something.

[Beth Stelling]

If I. Yeah. If I came. I think we've seen it, too, with a less charged topic that I'm not qualified to speak on. America's Got Talent. We've seen people come up on that, and that might not be, like, their exact fan base that. That should be seeing them. They just happen to go clean for those three minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. That's. That's nice.

[Beth Stelling]

So I think that's a better comparison to what I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's part of show business.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. You don't want to be looking out at a crowd of people who actually don't have respect for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Beth Stelling]

Or you're pushing, you know, behaviors and, I don't know, certain types of things that don't benefit others.

[Pete Holmes]

I just think that energy. Roasty. Mean cutting, which when we were coming up. I'm going to include you. Was like, a big part of the culture. Like, if you went to the seller, someone was going to make fun of your clothes.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And someone was going to make fun of your lack of credits, and it just sucked. And that's what crashing was about in a big way. Was when I started and Nate Bragazzi was there, meaning there were other. And Mulaney, to a certain extent, there were these kind of, like, sweeties or, like, more that More sensitive people that were showing up, and everyone was wearing a leather jacket. That's crashing. That's the tension of crashing. It's like, imagine you love Ellen and Ray Romano and Jerry Seinfeld or whatever. And then. And then you get there, and everyone's like Dice Clay and saying the C word like it's sea salt. It's like everyone's just constantly. And, like, if somebody had a disability, like a comedian, that's the first thing that was being discussed. There was, like, a rhythm to it.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, and now they're gonna make fun of his hand. And now they're gonna make fun of this person's eye. And now they're gonna have to make fun of this person's race. Like, remember, tough crown. Now, I'm not saying that's off menu. I'm saying it's a little bit weird that. But that was a part of what we did, and it's becoming a bigger, bigger, bigger part. That's all I'm saying. It almost kind of, like, with the Fallonization, and I mean that as, like, a good thing. There was kind of like a. Or whatever. It was like a softening of that, and I was like, oh, things are kind of going more the Seth Meyers route, more the Nate route, more the Mulaney route. And it was becoming less of that. Like, the crowd is hostile. It's all pirates, but I'm going to shock them with my yeast infection opener. And it started to become more like, Gary Gomen, like, had more of a place at the. Anyway, that's true.

[Beth Stelling]

You had to be a little tougher. Yeah, it is.

[Pete Holmes]

But. But I'm actually. I was trying to. Thank you. I was trying to say, like, I will defend and enjoy that harsh energy. I just think it's a garnish. And it's weird that it's become, like, the entree. And it's also weird that we're imposing it on the young people or the young people. People think that's what comedy is. When I'm like, well, no, Gary is. Is just as much a comedian as a shocking person. And, like, that's.

[Beth Stelling]

And Mike, too. I mean, Mike's vibe is totally different. Like, there would be a time where that wasn't even really considered at the Cellar.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And now you go to the seller, and it's mostly Mike's.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, but that's.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Beth Stelling]

And having dated someone on that scene back, you know, when they were younger, coming up into that, I remember them coming home and saying, like, oh, this person bumped Me for, like. And I didn't get to go up for, like, 30 minutes, 40 minutes, or I can't wear the sweater anymore because, you know, Keith always rips on it or. And it's not like, boohoo.

[Pete Holmes]

You even say that. And I'm kind of like, keith, he's so funny.

[Beth Stelling]

So I'm not just like, they came home crying. But they also were very good at cutting to the chase and, like, very direct. And there was a time where that was appreciated. Now I think people call it, like, some more of a personality disorder. But it used to be, like, now.

[Pete Holmes]

We see it as a diagnosis. Wow. You really couldn't not say that. What's that like for you? It's like Keith's like, God damn it.

[Beth Stelling]

I didn't want all this, but somebody, like, comes up to the table or whatever, and back then it would be very easy to be like, nobody wants you here. And then they would turn around and walk away.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Beth Stelling]

And there is a beauty to that because it's direct into your face. And sometimes you chalk that up to, like, New York. And then other times, people will be like, oh, that comics actually Asperger's or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, right.

[Beth Stelling]

It is a blend. There are a lot of us and different kinds of us. And comic wise.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This has been interesting. I don't feel tense, but I do feel sort of like, how do we get it right right now? Represent ourselves.

[Beth Stelling]

I know, I know, I know. It's not a comfortable conversation because it's like a green room thing. And we are very aware of being videotaped right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, these are being. These are on.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna need the footage.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, we're gonna need to edit out about 20 minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

I just jumped. Beth, how are you? And then it's. Keep it crispy.

[Beth Stelling]

But also, I think. I think that's part of it, too. Like, it's our experience. I've been talking about it with people on the road. It's very part of the zeitgeist right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And it's hard because, like, I think of a message I got one time that was like, this is five years ago, HBO Special. Somebody was like, you're heteronormative. Some guy messaged me that. That now that's not just saying I'm heterosexual. That's saying I promote a heterosexual lifestyle, which, if anything, my life's a cautionary tale. But I'm just saying, like, sir, what did you want me to do? And now I'm going to put on my lesbian mask where I do those jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

That aren't mine to tell.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. So that's why it's a little tense right now. Because, like, some of this isn't maybe ours to tell, but I'm observing it. I don't want to be like the oversensitive white person or ableist or whatever and say, don't go and kill Tony with a claw. They're gonna make fun of your hand claw.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And I don't want that for you. And then that person's like, it. Yeah, I'm gonna follow the money.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

I'm gonna get the attention I want. It's. I can be in charge of how I'm perceived.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That breaks my heart because to a certain extent, we've all done that.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. So I'm just sort of like, I can't speak to that person, be like, oh, don't go on there.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Beth Stelling]

If you're.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Beth Stelling]

You know, I.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's interesting. The image of a clown comes to mind. And a clown with the big shoes stepping on people's feet, knocking things over and tumbling around. Comedy is kind of like that. And if a clown got up after his tumble act and was like, did anyone feel unsafe? You'd get a lot of straight walking, small shoed clowns. And look, I don't know where to slice the cheesecake. I don't want the pressure of being the first one to decide how big.

[Beth Stelling]

The slices are gonna be.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm also like, look, it's possible to just hold the tension of both of those.

[Beth Stelling]

Ye.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like when the clown broke that vase so close to my head. And it was funny when he kind of scared that old woman. Is it possible that it's both?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. And it's not my place to be over here doling out, are you okay? Like, I didn't like it when they made fun of your speech impediment or the fact that you're in a wheelchair and the person's like, fuck you. This is how I regain my power or take control over my story.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw Paul Mercurio do crowd warmup at the Daily show, and there's a person in a wheelchair, and it was really beautiful. I'm not just saying that. He made fun of them and they were dying, and at one point he went over to them and he was like, some of the people are uncomfortable because they don't want me to treat you like you're just another person in the audience. They want Me to other you and, like, see you as different. But I'm just gonna keep doing comedy to you the way I do it to everybody. I was like, wow, I really buy this.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought it was about that person having a good time. And that's what he was doing. He was making fun of everybody.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, Stephen Hawking shouldn't go to a taping of the Daily show if he doesn't want a little razzle dazzle. He was the guest, and yet Paul was still roasting him. Look at this. Like, in the 80s, this would have led to a great. We would have done the Voice.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Wait for him. He's sitting at. He's giving us a message. Just wait a minute. He's got a retort.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Life. Okay, so here's the thing that I really wanted to selfishly run by you.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not asking you. I'm asking you to just be Beth selling. Not represent women or anything. But we already started doing it. So that big boob joke I have about my wife.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I did it again last.

[Beth Stelling]

That's what I was curious about. I wanted to. This was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, here we are. Well, the first bit that I was going to run by you was all comedians sound like their names. Like, they'll barely Belper. Belper Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld. Mitch Hedberg. Right. Chris Rock.

[Beth Stelling]

Chris Rock Maniscalco.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. And then I go, except Nate Bargetzi. That dude looks like Dale Johnson. That is not a Bargetzi. They didn't like that, by the way. They backed off on that. I don't know why. And I was like, I love Nate. If you saw him and didn't know his name, you wouldn't go a bagazi.

[Beth Stelling]

His fans don't know how to say it. In fact, his fans would prefer he change his last name to Johnson or something.

[Pete Holmes]

He should be Jelly Roll. He should be Jelly Roll the comedian. There's Jelly Roll the musician. Jelly Roll the comedian. And he's one of my absolute favorites. I'm just saying. No one's thinking Bargazzi and Birbiglia. He's Nate.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Birbiglia. What's that?

[Beth Stelling]

It just like, he doesn't seem like a Nate. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nate doesn't quite feel right.

[Beth Stelling]

It's a little too spicy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little too spicy. I'm sorry. I asked for plain. That would be a great Nate Bargetzi title. Nate Bargetzi Plane.

[Beth Stelling]

I asked for plain.

[Pete Holmes]

I asked for plain. He's one of My favorites. I can't say that enough. This isn't a roast. But anyway, that was the first bit I wanted to run by, just because how true you are. Beth Stelling.

[Beth Stelling]

Beth Stelling.

[Pete Holmes]

Beth Stelling. Sarah Silverman.

[Beth Stelling]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

This is Silverman. Ryan Reagan.

[Beth Stelling]

Do you?

[Pete Holmes]

Pete Holmes. I don't know if that's quite right. Yeah, because sometimes I'm Pete Holmes.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, it's like that. That's better.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete Holmes. Ray Romano.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, that's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Ray Romano.

[Beth Stelling]

Wanda Sykes.

[Pete Holmes]

Wanda. Well, edit that out. No, don't. Don't leave it in. It was an earnest try, and it just sounded like. Like a stereotypical bad choice.

[Beth Stelling]

Ellen DeGeneres.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep. David Letterman. Jay Leno. Perfect. All of them are perfect.

[Beth Stelling]

It's sort of in the realm of. I don't know, part. It does work, but part of me is like, are we doing this, like, you know, people who look like their dogs or. Oh, is it like astrology? Like, we're just like. You read. You read your horoscope and you're like, yeah, that is me.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but. Hannibal Burris.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What is Hannibal Burris?

[Beth Stelling]

When he named his special Animal Furnace. That's one of my. That's one of my favorite special names. Hannibal Burris, Animal Furnace.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like Nick Finn's pin. It is good, but I don't like that. Nick, you stole that from Animal. This is Animal Furnace. I'm just kidding. Animal Furnace is amazing.

[Beth Stelling]

It's too good. You know how many I always get comments like, when are you gonna name? Or when are you gonna write a book and call it Beth? Beth Stelling Best or Best selling?

[Pete Holmes]

Beth Selling.

[Beth Stelling]

That's too much. You imagine going a press tour for that? I would blow my brains out.

[Pete Holmes]

And there she goes. You have just a couple blank pages. Catch the blood splatter. Hold that up behind me because this is. I named the book. Is this too dark? No, I don't sign the books. I blood splatter them.

[Beth Stelling]

Yep. And I'm running out of blood. We gotta wrap this up.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you for. Yes. Sand. It would have been weird if you got cold on that. And I'm just like. And you.

[Beth Stelling]

You kill yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I want to do a bit like, the only. Like the Turing thing. Like, AI is getting so advanced that the only way. I won't, though. Never the only way you can tell in the future that someone's not an AI because there'll be times when you want to know if you're talking to an AI, you'll have to say, should I Kill myself.

[Beth Stelling]

And what will they say?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, an AI would be, no, an AI can never tell you to kill yourself. Like, that's one of the things. The less funny, more shocking version would be like, say, a slur.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay, Like.

[Pete Holmes]

But think about a future briefly. I'm not this kind of comedian where you have to. Let's say long is a slur that you're not allowed for some race that doesn't exist. And in the future, we have to be like, hello, I'm a human. Long, long, long, long, long, long. Anyway, I want to talk to Congress today to prove that you're biological human. You have to say something an AI would never say. Like, you should all kill yourselves. It's a wonderful thing to be here talking to this board today. Like, you just have to prove an AI will never say, you should kill yourself. I didn't know that's the reverse captcha.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay. Yeah. I didn't know that was a rule.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure.

[Beth Stelling]

Or an AI rule.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure Grok will tell you to kill yourself.

[Beth Stelling]

I was just gonna say, like, with.

[Pete Holmes]

Elon behind everything, Brock's prompt is, and why haven't you killed yourself today? And you're like. Like, sorry. Thank you. But I'm wondering about my circuit breaker. Cool. Okay. My wife has big boobs. Is. Is a tricky huge knock subject. Huge knockers. Knockers is my funny. I think the funniest.

[Beth Stelling]

I love knockers.

[Pete Holmes]

The funniest.

[Beth Stelling]

I say jublies right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Jublies.

[Beth Stelling]

I got a jublies bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. So there's three. Jublies is great. Want to acknowledge that.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

There's three parts to this joke, and it's actually one. Val and I were talking about it. Me and her big boobs were talking about it on the ride home.

[Beth Stelling]

That all three of us.

[Pete Holmes]

All four.

[Beth Stelling]

No, four.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't mean to. Math explain that to you?

[Beth Stelling]

I needed it.

[Pete Holmes]

I was asking for it. Can I tell you a bit? That never works. It worked once, and I've never made it to work. I go, look, I know, ladies, we're not supposed to mansplain, but you don't know how good it feels to corner a woman. And just explain the, like, layout of Game of Thrones. Like, you don't know the thrill to watch the life draining from her eyes. It works in la, kind of. And then I do it anywhere else, and people are like, what are you even talking? I'm like, great. You don't. That's fine. Okay, so the first part of the joke, which is the Most problematic, which I think I'm going to cut is. And it's based on a real experience. I was like, I've worked on comedy to become a famous comedian for over 20 years and my wife has big boobs. And if we walk down a crowded boardwalk, we get the same reaction. So I am as famous as a woman with big boobs. And that's a great area. We get the same number of double takes. People are whispering and I think that guy just took a photo. It's like that. Right. But the problem with this. But if I start with that, I.

[Beth Stelling]

Love that you love it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what we were like, we gotta cut it.

[Beth Stelling]

I love it. It's. I'm the same. Because it's fun. It's self deprecating.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's. Look, I'm with you. The clown just walked through and knocked over vases. And it's funny. Then we were like, sometimes it gets a little touchy or dodgy in the audience. And we were like, why? And we were like, I think I'm clearly saying my value is what I do. That's very important.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

My value. So I've become a success and people look at me.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then there's sort of the implication, and we might be over gilding the lily here.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That Valerie's value, what culture values is her boobs.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know. I mean, I know, but like, as a joke. That's.

[Beth Stelling]

It is a joke. This goes back to. Are we reinforced, you know, back to the deeper previous conversation we were tiptoeing around, which is, are we flat shoeing? But yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We were doing a floating. It was like just slowly. We were sludging through it.

[Beth Stelling]

We didn't realize we stepped on flypaper.

[Pete Holmes]

But we're just going, don't clip this. Don't clip any part of this. No parts of clip.

[Beth Stelling]

This is bad.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, if. If.

[Beth Stelling]

But okay, but. So I guess this is interesting because I'm going as a woman, I'm going, well, it's reflective of society. It is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Beth Stelling]

You could argue it's reinforcing stereotypes. But now is the time to add a line that helps us, which is. So her value is in her titties. But what you don't know is she's a microphysicist. You know, like, you can't. What she's.

[Pete Holmes]

She's a macro boobisist, but a microphysicist.

[Beth Stelling]

What do you. We need a tattoo on those titties.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like we should put a map. That's so funny. I had a joke about how they should sell ads on eye patches because everyone stares at them. And I should say this. This round space is brought to you by Squarespace. Use promo code ahoy for 10% off kills at the Comedy Store.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I go anywhere else, they're like, why are you making fun of the handicap? I swear.

[Beth Stelling]

Really? It's so weird eye patches exist, even temporarily.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's what I call you. Exactly. We're just training.

[Beth Stelling]

My best friend has an eye patch.

[Pete Holmes]

Occasionally, the joke is sorry, but the prep with the joke is dead, so we might as well have it live here.

[Beth Stelling]

I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never felt more proud of myself. My daughter and I were going to school. The garage door wouldn't open. I had to call a garage company to help us open the garage. It was busted. Guy shows up, he has an eye patch, and I ignored it. I've never been more proud. Do you know when someone shows up and you're not expecting an eye patch, and you're just like, oh, God, look, there it is. And he had a bald head. He looked like a. Like, he flew a seaplane.

[Beth Stelling]

I feel like the worst thing in my head, the worst thing you could have said was, ooh, this is cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, nice eye patch.

[Beth Stelling]

I like this.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, we need to come up with a better solution. It's a hole in your head. And it just looks like a hole in your head. It's just a black, black void. Like, get. Then. That's the ad thing. But, like, sometimes talk about the feedback you get. It's not that none of that is funny, but sometimes a crowd is telling you, like it. It's funny, but this isn't you, Peter. Yeah, I guess that's what they're saying.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. And. And, you know, I guess to be. I don't know if it's hypocritical, but when there was a time. Who cares? Ten years ago, where everybody, like, really needed to have a rape joke in my head, I would go, why are you writing jokes from the perspective of a rapist?

[Pete Holmes]

That's so funny.

[Beth Stelling]

Why, if not one?

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Beth Stelling]

And did you grow up going, like, mom, someday I want to write a joke that makes so many. Some, like, four out of five women in the crowd, uncomfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know that's what me and Kumail used to say at meltdown?

[Beth Stelling]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Is somebody made, like, an assault joke? Like, I won't even say it. Assault. Sorry. I'm not trying to make light of it. No, no, I don't I don't like the word.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't like the word either.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody does. Nobody does.

[Beth Stelling]

It used to make me way uncomfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

When people said it so flippantly.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure. And there was a time it was so. It was that time when Meltdown was around, and Kumail and I would always just go. We. We thought it was three out of six, three out of five or something, but it's a staggering.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's brilliant, though. You're gonna write from that perspective, and that's something. Remember when we were doing. I guess it was season two of Crashing, and Beth was in the writers room, and we had that conversation, and I think I was. It was like a learning moment for me. I was like. I don't understand. Like. Oh, it was Because. I hope this isn't too much to say, but I killed a guy.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just kidding.

[Beth Stelling]

Absolutely. Sometimes I did wonder if you and Oren killed someone together.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Orin, for sure. Well, we were talking about all the scandalized. This was right when all of the MeToo was happening, and Louis. His thing came out. I didn't mean it like that, but.

[Beth Stelling]

He had that great press.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Beth Stelling]

He had that great press.

[Pete Holmes]

He had great press. Perfect. He had great. No, it turns out there is bad press. That's the best headline. Turns out, anyway. So I remember asking, not saying it was my position, but asking the room, what about forgiveness? What about, like, just going like, this person made a mistake. And that was not the tone at all. I don't mean with you guys. I mean culturally.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We were like, we need to. And I was like, but when you see someone who's sitting alone, I don't care who you are. If you're, like, sitting alone and the whole world hates you.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll always have an impulse to be like, we should go sit with that person. Like, it. It's not fashionable. It's not good. You should do it because it's so sad.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you. I definitely know Jamie said this, but I think you were there, and I think you were. You tell me. They.

[Beth Stelling]

They were, like, privately stewing.

[Pete Holmes]

Privately stewing, which was just.

[Beth Stelling]

What'd she say?

[Pete Holmes]

What it's like to work with me? Just. Would you like to privately stew? Let me ask you this before we hire you.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Do it.

[Pete Holmes]

When you stew, do you do it quietly?

[Beth Stelling]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You probably were stewing because I was being vulnerable and going like, help me. And what came back with compassion to me was, sit with us. Sit with the victim.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody's sitting there's. Other people that are sitting alone right now. Sit with us.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Or like, to be a little cheesy, we're sitting alone within a group.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

Because nobody's, like, talking about it. Like, we already feel so alone. Meanwhile, if we did just say things like, oh, my gosh, you too, you too, you too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Which is the point of the movement, which is like, oh, my gosh. What? Me too.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

I. I hesitate to say this because it's like, that was how I used to describe comedy for me. You know, Anthony says it's a joke, whatever. For me, it was like the crowd is basically like, me too, me too, me too.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's percolating. Me too.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, I like that. But that was before.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I can't really say that the slogan meant something.

[Beth Stelling]

But, you know, to your point, also, time changes, perspective changes. We live in a very punitive society that doesn't encourage accountability. So when I was in the writers room for Strange Planet, little cartoon on Apple, it's about these little blue beings. They don't have gender. They don't have names similar. And they have names and genders.

[Pete Holmes]

There's one woman and every comedian. Yeah. She is exhausted. Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf is 21 years old. He's just trying to keep everybody organized.

[Beth Stelling]

But in that room, we were asked to read a book. There was, you know, like, hey, everybody, could you read this? It was Sand Talk by Tyson Yunkaporta. He's an aboriginal Australian.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Beth Stelling]

Anyway, I've talked about this a lot just in my life.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna put my riffs over here.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, put your riffs over there. No, but. But I've talked about this a lot just because. Liked the book, and it was helpful. And the broad strokes are this. And my takeaway was like, in Aboriginal culture, you mess up, it's encouraged to take accountability for it. They. They decide on what. What the fitting punishment is for the transgression. And then once you've served that time or whatever that is, we welcome you back. Yeah, we don't live like that. You know, everyone's scared of getting canceled, so nobody's going to take accountability. We don't encourage accountability. In fact, when people do it, it's like, thank you. You're, like, basically saying thank you to someone who's done something wrong to admit to it. Which is why Louie was important in the sense that, you know, the day before that article came out, the article comes out, you know, scattered across Facebook. Oh, he never did this. This is Louie's Like, I did it. And everybody's like, yeah, but that was important. Even, like, I don't want to get into this because I don't know the details of it, but, like, Kobe Bryant at that time had even said, like, maybe I did do something like, that was important to say, like, okay, yeah, yeah. Because otherwise it's so many raped and no rapists.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, right.

[Beth Stelling]

You know, which is why we. Why people constantly feel gas. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

It's the best PR for men to be like, don't believe women. It's so beautiful. It, like, works so well.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? Yeah. And there is, you know, I should say beautiful.

[Beth Stelling]

It's disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know what you meant.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a joke. You're joking. You're taking the position of the rapist as you always do.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, I always do that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's always. That's like, your thing, trying hard to riff in the bounds.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're fine. But anyway, I guess it's just, like, times have changed. So I also. Having been in a position where it's like, you're. You do have compassion for the transgressor.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, often that is the case.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Beth Stelling]

So when you say, like, oh, should we offer them forgiveness? Should we go to them? It's like, I never wanted to be like. And. And get the cr. What's it called, like, in Beauty and the Beast, the. With the pitchfork. I never wanted to, like, storm. Yeah, whatever. Capital. Well, I did, but I never wanted to be like, pitchforks, let's kill this person. And it was like, I hope he gets help.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, so many people do feel that way that are the victim, like, I. Because they are made to feel that, like, well, I don't want to be, like, vocal and say, like, yeah, I want to punish him. This is what I want for him. It's like, yeah, I hope he gets help. That's often the take of victims, is like, I don't want him to do that to someone else. Yeah, I hope he gets help.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

But also, of course, there's anger because you see them going on just fine in society, and you're like, well, nothing's gonna happen to that guy. You don't want to be the judge during executioner. You want to say, this happened to me. I don't want it to happen to somebody else.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

I hope they get help.

[Pete Holmes]

It's weird how much getting away with stuff there is just in our culture, you're talking about aboriginal cultures and accountability. And I made this point before, but I'll make it Quickly. It's like the. The cardinal sin of early tribes was hoarding. And if you took more, if you were found hiding resources from the group, they would kill you.

[Beth Stelling]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And now it's like, our hoarders material. Hoarders are, like, the most celebrated, like, icons.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like your dream. Imagine, like, I just heard, like, Elon Musk might make a trillion. He might become a trillionaire. And it's like, yeah. Through all of human history, that would not have been taught. And this is not. This isn't some. I'm not calling for violence. I. The tribes would do.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying it's weird that we don't have anything in place. In fact, we celebrate. It's also weird. Like, and I'm one of them. I love movies about bank robbers. You know what I mean? Guys, like, specifically, like. Like, it's always guys getting away with stuff. It's like, kind of. I. I'm not saying that extends to all crimes, but it's interesting that we're like, yeah, get it.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, go ahead. Add a dollar to my prime membership. Like, you got it. You got me. Keep getting me. It's just a weird culture. It's a weird thing that we have. We love winners. We're back to Shark Tank. If you can be cruel and scam and under bid and all this stuff, as long as you're the cool guy winning.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, we don't care. Okay. Back to boobs.

[Beth Stelling]

Yep. Please.

[Pete Holmes]

Always part A.

[Beth Stelling]

Beginning.

[Pete Holmes]

Big boob.

[Beth Stelling]

But it's problematic.

[Pete Holmes]

It's okay. I will say this. I delivered it perfectly here because my tone was clear. It's a joke where you really have to see a twinkle of, like, I love my wife.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm joking. Yeah. Like, and it's true. It's based on a real experience where people are like, is he looking at me? And it's also laughing at me that I'm. When I'm walking on a boardwalk, I'm clocking.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's getting noticed.

[Beth Stelling]

That's why I like it. But I think it's. That's why I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying it's definitely going away.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's part A. Part B is an old joke. I've started to do this. If I have a line from a special that's 10 years ago and it applies and it's a quick laugh, I'll just do it.

[Beth Stelling]

Same. I, I actually. I.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that fun?

[Beth Stelling]

I still say back of the head in while I'm touring. I love saying it.

[Pete Holmes]

Why wouldn't you?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, I have fun. I say, I'll lift a line from a past special and put it in the next one.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you what I call it? Just in case you want to use this term? Cut. Stealing from myself. Yeah, it's the best.

[Beth Stelling]

It's if it's. What if it's like, if it's one line, it's mine. I have fun with it.

[Pete Holmes]

So that comes into play. I go, my wife has big boobs. And I. I always am careful to say that with some reluctance. Like, I don't go, like, she's got big boobs. You know, I go like, like this is. It's important to the joke. My wife has big boobs. I know. And then I go, because I don't give up on my goddamn childhood dream. That's the old line. And I go, nine year old me is so happy with me. I'm not a quitter. All I need is a race car bed. And I have everything I ever wanted. So that brings in a playfulness. And. And then I go, this is true. I walked into my kitchen and my friend Ariella, who was staying with us, was in our kitchen and she was talking to Val and she was talking about getting a breast reduction, how she had gotten a breast reduction. She's like, after my reduction, I didn't even know I had migraines, but then they went away and I didn't even know I had back pain. After my breast reduction, it's like I had a different body. I felt 10 years younger. And this is real. It was a joke. I went up to her and I grabbed her by the elbow from behind. I went, can I talk to you for a second? You saw this? And I walked her over. This was for everyone's benefit, for Val's benefit. I just took her three feet away and went, what the fuck are you doing right now? And then the line, you pitched on it. And I'd love your take on all of this. But then I go, those are valid points. Migraines, back pain. The only thing I can come back to the debate with is, but chugga.

[Beth Stelling]

D, chuggity chuggity chugga.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not a good. I have no leg to stand on. Is my. And now this idiot has the floor. Your honor. Like that. That's dumb. So that's where that joke is ended now. How do you feel about it?

[Beth Stelling]

It's ending with.

[Pete Holmes]

That's where it ends now.

[Beth Stelling]

I love the joke. I like exploring these things. Anyway, And I. And I do. You know, like we just said, flipping it on its head. I think there's still totally. There's. There's more on the bone. There's more tributaries to take.

[Pete Holmes]

You're good at a trip.

[Beth Stelling]

I know. And I love that there's more tributaries to take because it's like we. What we. When we were together, what we riffed on was, okay, well, is there any way. What can we do to keep these? Like, what can I do to keep these?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I'll carry.

[Beth Stelling]

You know, can I carry them from behind? Can I give you massages once a week? Like, what. What can I negotiate here?

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

To keep these titties on the table.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

We could get them on a table. You know, like, what can we do?

[Pete Holmes]

And then I gotta keep these on the table. Maybe some type of table. Yeah, I'm just spitballing.

[Beth Stelling]

Let's make the table higher.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, like a high. Like a. Like a speaker has a rolling podium. Could we put them on the rolling podium? Because you're right, the area that. When you first saw the bit I was riffing on was I. I thought this was so funny, because I'm comparing it to comedy. So back pain and migraines, open mics. I'm like, everything good comes at a cost. Like, Comedy sucks for 10 years.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And migraine sucks. But my business is a joker. But that was too hard of a needle to thread.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, I think, too. Okay, so there's also an area of like. But women are used to that. Migraines and back pain.

[Pete Holmes]

You're absolutely right. You know, I'm not even contesting that. It's just like, I'm representing the guy that goes, like, deal with it, sweetheart. That's. It's a Frank Sinatra joke. Basically. You think I like touring 300 days a year. Sorry you have a headache, babe. That's the attitude. Which then I would. Which was why I'm not sure about the joke, which is part, I think of the humor, is that, like, a guy who clearly loves his wife, who's trying, not trying, but just tends to lean sweet, is kind of saying what Frank Sinatra would say.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, all great things come at a cost.

[Beth Stelling]

But that. What if that's the tributary? So we go into this Frank Sinatra rift, and then you're like. Like, now I'm Tony Soprano. Like, do you like your pillows?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

You know, like, where you're staying?

[Pete Holmes]

Because I. What? That is a mobster.

[Beth Stelling]

Are you comfortable?

[Pete Holmes]

Are you comfortable? You like the food in my refrigerator? Maybe you shut Your mo.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, yeah. Leave my wife's tits out.

[Pete Holmes]

Leave my wife's tits out of your mouth.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Keep my wife's tits out of your mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

Like all of this as we're talking about it. I'm like, it works best in this format. Maybe we'll see if I. If it lives. But table.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And out of your mouth.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. And the Tony Soprano take. And.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm Frank Sinatra. I. I think that's a good, like, built in save.

[Beth Stelling]

Because women are in a ton of pain. We take birth control. It causes all these bad side effects, so we don't get pregnant with your kids, you don't have to pay more and go on the road more. You know, the sex, what can. Yeah, exactly. And it like. My boyfriend also has a vasectomy, and.

[Pete Holmes]

I know he did mine. Actually, after you get a vasectomy, you can give any man a vasectomy without consent. So I've been sterilizing.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you for your work.

[Pete Holmes]

I know they think.

[Beth Stelling]

They don't know it's such great sex because it's like worryless great sex.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say, especially as a religion. Growing up, up, the amount of pregnancy. I can't believe. Leo Allen used to have a joke where he was like. I think what did he relate it to? Is like, oh, sex is like a roller coaster. But if there was a roller coaster that at the end of the roller coaster someone handed you a baby, you would never go on the roller coaster. But we're just out there rolling the dice, you know? Like, that's a weird risk to take. Yeah, but it's wee. Like, that's so funny. And after the snippy poo, I was like, oh, my God. This is like the greatest cheat code of all time. Not to overshare. But it's great.

[Beth Stelling]

No, it is great. I think it creates great. It's better for intimacy. The worry's not there and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And you don't want to be like, could you take this drug that was probably designed to, like, cure blindness that will also, like, make your vagina think it's October. Your vagina will always think it's October. So the seed will just be repelled and stored in an area of the ass that you don't need to think about. Like.

[Beth Stelling]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's such black magic. It's so. It's so voodoo. I hate it.

[Beth Stelling]

Sickening.

[Pete Holmes]

I never. It's poison. I know, I know.

[Beth Stelling]

Psychological warfare.

[Pete Holmes]

We were the rhythm method, which is why we have a kid. I'm kidding. We. We were trying to he's planned, she's planned. She's a planner.

[Beth Stelling]

When you were take. I have. You know when you forget a bck, you drop it because it's not really good enough. Yeah, I have some roller coaster bit. That's why I took my eyes went a little this way. Cuz I was. What was my bit?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, what do you have?

[Beth Stelling]

Sex is like a roller coaster. I don't know. I'll figure it out later. I can't think of it right now. I'm brain dead.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that a new phone? That's yellow.

[Beth Stelling]

I think it's pretty old.

[Pete Holmes]

I like a yellow phone.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought that was another couple on your phone. Which would be so funny.

[Beth Stelling]

Stock photo.

[Pete Holmes]

So funny because for a second it just didn't quite look like you.

[Beth Stelling]

It's me.

[Pete Holmes]

It's definitely you. And there's him.

[Beth Stelling]

I just look like.

[Pete Holmes]

You look like absolute compared to that photo. You ever see a good photo of somebody and you're like, this is what you think you look like.

[Beth Stelling]

How dare you use this as your profile photo. This is not you.

[Pete Holmes]

This is not you. That was a microsecond of your life.

[Beth Stelling]

I have an ex whose profile photo. I'm like, that's not you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not you. Not you. It's not you. It's not fair. Everyone can look unbelievable for one frame. One frame. The perfect lighting.

[Beth Stelling]

Sometimes to. To their credit or whoever's credit, it is hard to tell sometimes like what you really do look like. I wanted.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I show you?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just did this podcast.

[Beth Stelling]

I love this. Speaking of buddy, look at this.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah, that's a good the tf. Are we gonna say it?

[Beth Stelling]

Pearl necklace, titty, titty.

[Pete Holmes]

Is there anything. Rory Scoville, One of the kings. Know thyself. Okay. He has a bit where he goes titty fucking. Are you supposed to feel like an idiot the entire time? Like that was the bit. No, I don't want. Don't autoplay.

[Beth Stelling]

Cause it really is.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't tell you how many times.

[Beth Stelling]

I've turned off your stomach on my face.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at this. Look at this keyframe they used of me.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, that doesn't look like you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. Look. Thank you. First of all, thanks for being a girlfriend.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, that doesn't work.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop playing. I can't tell you how many times I've tried.

[Beth Stelling]

It's almost like they've actually warped your head. It almost looks like they went like this. It's pushed up.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna do a screen Grab of it and I'm gonna zoom in on it. This is the worst photo of me that's ever happened.

[Beth Stelling]

That looks like a different timeline of you.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's the Know Thyself podcast, which is like a spiritual podcast. And my first thought was, it's a test. It's like, I come on and I talk all the spiritual stuff. And they're like, oh, yeah, here's the ugliest fucking photo. You say, we're not our egos. Prove it. If you email us and say, can you please use a better photo? We'll know you're full of shit.

[Beth Stelling]

And we. And we will include it in the.

[Pete Holmes]

And we'll. It'll be the Patreon only.

[Beth Stelling]

I am over it now. Like, I'm not saying I don't see. I see photos of myself where I go, oh. But, yeah, I. It's basically great. What was it? Is it a bell curve? Like, stand up in Chicago? I'd show up in sweats, I'd bike there. No makeup. Who gives a shit? Then it's like, oh, I need to be pretty and wear makeup and look really good on stage and care about my outfit. And now I'm like, I don't own a full length mirror.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't it the best?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I'm just over it. It doesn't mean I never try.

[Pete Holmes]

First of all, as a girlfriend, get out of here. You always look great.

[Beth Stelling]

Thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

Whenever I see you, I've showed up.

[Beth Stelling]

To some of your shows, just, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

But I also. Maybe it's because I'm a 90s kid. I think. I think this is where it's at.

[Beth Stelling]

And my boyfriend too.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's weird when somebody comes with the Tammy Faye Bake. With full respect. I'm just kind of like, what are you doing?

[Beth Stelling]

And also, you could have done so much more cool things with your time.

[Pete Holmes]

You could have made Nancy come with your mouth.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, you could have made Nicole come with your mouth. Nicole, dammit. Don't you hate that when you ask an audience member their name and you want to call it back later and you're like, fuck, what's their name?

[Pete Holmes]

I. Yes.

[Beth Stelling]

God.

[Pete Holmes]

And I lock them in so hard. Amy is the name of the person I talked to last night. That's how hard I'm locking them in.

[Beth Stelling]

I want to remember the last time I did.

[Pete Holmes]

You ever. You ever talk to a fan and you learn their name and then you see them hours later and you go, hey, Jordan. It's one of the best.

[Beth Stelling]

It is good.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. It's like, look, I'm not saying it means anything to them.

[Beth Stelling]

To me, I think it does.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope it does. My intent is to be magical.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't mean like so much to them, but it's cool.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not George Clooney. I don't know any references. I realize every time I riffed last night it was Dave Matthews Band, like Eminem, John Wick. I was like, I'm out.

[Beth Stelling]

I had a.

[Pete Holmes]

Out.

[Beth Stelling]

I had a couple. John. What do you mean you're out?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know what the fuck.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh, it's going on.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm still going, like.

[Beth Stelling]

But that's fun.

[Pete Holmes]

What is this trl?

[Beth Stelling]

Last night in Malibu, you know, before I went up, of course, they said something like, this crowd doesn't respond well to political material. I'm like, well, good thing I'm talking about my own.

[Pete Holmes]

But here's some butt stuff.

[Beth Stelling]

Here's some butt stuff from Beth. Anyway, I. To your point of references, I was talking about my sister, soon to be ex husband, like, tells tall tales and it really bothers me, you know, and it's like when somebody, like, it's easier to just sit through whatever they're saying than ask questions.

[Pete Holmes]

Your sister says she's going through a divorce. He says a five headed red dragon.

[Beth Stelling]

Came out of the earth. Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Forced them apart.

[Beth Stelling]

Exactly. Okay, so the joke is like, you know, he'll say something like, I could have beat staph infection without antibiotics. And I'm like, did Ms. Frizzle help somebody in the crowd? That's exactly. Somebody in the crowd goes, what? To the point of references? Ms. Frizzle and the magic school bus. She would take the school bus sometimes, shrink it down, go in someone's nose and go through their body to teach the kids about platelets.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The big floppy ones.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. So it's a. It's a.

[Pete Holmes]

The knockers of the blood cells. Big floppers, that is.

[Beth Stelling]

Look, and I'll keep it in. It's for me. It's for five other people. I like it. It's like a. You know what I'm saying?

[Pete Holmes]

No, of course.

[Beth Stelling]

So, yeah. But some guy last night verbally goes, what? I go, do you not know Ms. Frizzle? Are you somebody who tells tall tales? Look for the guy after the show with an open wound. That's what I ripped last night.

[Pete Holmes]

Along the lines of that I love a good riff. Just an idiot.

[Beth Stelling]

And then I left.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm an idiot.

[Beth Stelling]

I've been like, not really needing to end on a Big laugh on my showcase since. I mean I.

[Pete Holmes]

Was looking at my set list. I went, I should end it on that. Yeah, I will end on that. And I felt so good.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you could. It's important that you could. But you didn't.

[Beth Stelling]

Sometimes I can't think of a better short one. And I have more respect for my spot time than me doing whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And that needs to become more popular. People need to be looking at themselves more often. If it's your own show, that's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Beth Stelling]

But I need you to stick to your time.

[Pete Holmes]

Speed. Agree.

[Beth Stelling]

Whoever you are.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you see the Naked Gun?

[Beth Stelling]

Not. I wanted to go see that in theaters and I didn't go. Did you see it?

[Pete Holmes]

I did see it, but not in theaters.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay. Is it out now where I can watch it at home?

[Pete Holmes]

You can watch it at home.

[Beth Stelling]

I'll do that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like the forty dollar buy. $41 rent.

[Beth Stelling]

Are you kidding me?

[Pete Holmes]

I am. I'm exaggerating the prices.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay, good.

[Pete Holmes]

But you know when, when buy is like. Like $22.

[Beth Stelling]

24.

[Pete Holmes]

19.99 and you're like, I have to own ALF.

[Beth Stelling]

I'll do it.

[Pete Holmes]

The references. It's a refreshing 90 minutes. And everybody was like, it's a refreshing 90 minutes. And I was like, we should all learn this. We should all learn. I. I try when I do my live show, it's 90 minutes.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because that feels good.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We didn't. Gorgeous. We had enough. Got out clean. I love it. Have you ever seen a ghost you see?

[Beth Stelling]

I think so.

[Pete Holmes]

I always say that.

[Beth Stelling]

I do think so. I've had feelings of it and been frightened. But also sometimes it will be someone prefacing it. Like that room is favorite thing is someone going.

[Pete Holmes]

It's.

[Beth Stelling]

It's a.

[Pete Holmes]

A.

[Beth Stelling]

It's a dumb local comic where they put you up the Biltmore.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you met Nancy?

[Beth Stelling]

Did you see her yet? Shut.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't want to know. What are you talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

Let it be pure.

[Beth Stelling]

Please leave.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, if I saw a ghost, I'mma mention it. I don't need you to say. I'll tell you.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. Don't. Don't tell me that. I might. Could be spooky.

[Pete Holmes]

That hotel in Austin, I think Driscoll. Gary Oldman. Yeah, the Driscoll. I. I think is doing a documentary. The most LA thing I. I've ever said. I think Gary Oldman actually is doing a doc about it. Oh God. You look back and I have a noose.

[Beth Stelling]

On my book.

[Pete Holmes]

She's killing me. And your book is behind me, which is called best selling.

[Beth Stelling]

Best selling.

[Pete Holmes]

Selling. It's unsayable.

[Beth Stelling]

You can't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's unsayable.

[Beth Stelling]

People type it, thinking it's a good thing. And I go, no, we're not.

[Pete Holmes]

That was another thing I ripped last night was like, why do books have forwards? It's like, books suck so much that even the book is like, we know you don't want to be here. Here's this other guy.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

An opening act.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't have time for a dedication at this point.

[Pete Holmes]

Skip it. Skip it.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't care who this for. You know it's for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's.

[Beth Stelling]

I bought it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. We already bought it. We're already reading it.

[Beth Stelling]

Mine's gonna say dedicated to someone. Has to be, like, the thing I.

[Pete Holmes]

Like about Beth Stelling. Yeah. I already like her. That's why I boug. Bought it. I have to hear from Judd Apatow.

[Beth Stelling]

Save it for the back.

[Pete Holmes]

Judd is a great forward writer and a friend.

[Beth Stelling]

Did he write your forward?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't do forwards.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna say, it's like, our specials now. Just start. The book world needs to catch up on this.

[Beth Stelling]

I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

Preface, dedication.

[Beth Stelling]

You're is already done with this new.

[Pete Holmes]

Book, or how do you know? New book. Did I tell you? New book.

[Beth Stelling]

We were talking about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Is that something I'm not allowed to say?

[Pete Holmes]

No. No.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I was Donald Glover.

[Beth Stelling]

You got one coming.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I just mean, like, I wrote the Ford. If Donald, like, the times I. I see Donald, like, I. You know, if he says something, you're like, that's news.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What? I mean, like, I'm always asking him to do my Largo shot. I'm like, it's funny that if you did it, it would be news. Like, Donald Glover did stand.

[Beth Stelling]

Does he not want to come out or.

[Pete Holmes]

I think he's. I. I think it's okay to say that. He might. Might be thinking about it. I. I think of him like Prince.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I don't like talking about Prince's business.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I have that reverence for his level of talent. But I will say, as a fan, I hope he does. But it hasn't happened. I just text someone, I'm doing my logo. Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

He usually just replies something really cool.

[Beth Stelling]

I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't. Something really dope like, no.

[Beth Stelling]

No. The answer is no.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got to be a trip to Be that famous.

[Beth Stelling]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

To be so big that. That I'm like, how's he gonna reply? It's a cool like. Or it's not even how's he gonna reply? Whatever he replies, I'm like, so cool.

[Beth Stelling]

I know. But also.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was just. I was thinking about that.

[Beth Stelling]

I was thinking about that too. That there are people you just like that drift off and you don't get to see them anymore. And it's no hard feelings, but then you can't even really feel like you can text them.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that get real huge.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, I felt like that with people. And I'm not like sad consistently about it, but I'm like, like, yeah, that's just. It's actually weird in general for everybody. Yeah, I'm sure for them too. Cuz I'm like, well, what? Things changed? Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

So if I see you, like, I've actually sometimes seen friends at like the grocery and I go, I'm not going to bother.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. J.D. vance. I saw him out and I just, I. I wanted to say hello, but I was like, it's different now. He's busy. I am so out of the loop. I couldn't remember J.D. vance's last. His name. And I said, who's the vice president? And I said, pendergrast. It's like something Pendergrass. And honestly, everyone should envy me. I know there's a level of attention that's helpful, but then there's a level of obsession that's not helpful. And we don't even know where we all are. Everyone doesn't know where they are.

[Beth Stelling]

Are.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll say this, to not know the vice president's name. It's an onion ring in the bag of fries. It's an unbelievable joy. Do you know how fucking fight the power I feel to just be like, I don't even know his name. Remember in Mad Men when Don Draper's like, I don't think about you at all. That's how I am with J.D. pendergrass. I don't even know.

[Beth Stelling]

The funny thing is, like, sometimes I'll like, you know, it's like when somebody will say a name wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

It's because they definitely know the name, but they're trying to make that person feel like, yeah, not you. Right. Right now.

[Pete Holmes]

I just mean I. I had a bit that I think was too mean. Again, the audience responded and I was like, you ever leave a typo in a text just to tell them you don't give a. Beth, I knew you were going to like it. I knew you were going to like it. And I'll tell you the truth. I do that. I'll leave a misspelling or a typo just to be like, I want you to know that I didn't even circle back. So mean.

[Beth Stelling]

You ain't worth the proofread, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Worth it. And I'm certainly not gonna long hold for an edit. You gotta.

[Beth Stelling]

Hell no.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll be there at 11. I knew you would like it. I don't know why I felt like that was right in the zone. The pocket of mean that you might enjoy.

[Beth Stelling]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

People didn't like it. Ghost energy. Gary Oldman. When did you feel that?

[Beth Stelling]

I actually got really scared at Lake Arrowhead because the innkeeper put with the lantern. Yes, I was performing. It might have been NPR related. I don't know. I forget.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh no, it's.

[Beth Stelling]

I'm attaching it to that. But it could have just been a random Lake Arrowhead live show and I had just done npr. Something's going on. Or I was about to. So I was running a story. That's what's going on for eerie Glass Trying to remember. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I tried so hard for Terry Gross.

[Beth Stelling]

This would have had to have been like, you know, whatever 10 years ago. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. And I'm performing and then my ex came with me. Comic. And we're kind of new and as we go the innkeeper says, I'm gonna put you guys up in the honeymoon suite. And we're kind of thinking like, oh, that's probably seems nice. She's like, the tail is.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh great.

[Beth Stelling]

There's a woman ghost up there. Who wherever couple stays there, they break up. She breaks them up. Cause something like she died on the planet.

[Pete Holmes]

I was hoping for like an unholy three way.

[Beth Stelling]

But no, I'm telling you, I was scared to pee in the middle of the night. I felt something. Of course we did break up for other reasons, but.

[Pete Holmes]

But predicting divorce is like the fucking dumbass psychic move. I don't think it's gonna make it. It's like, great.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's just like going meds, you fucking dingus. I think that's gonna end.

[Beth Stelling]

I think it might end.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then it does. And they're like, I called it 20 years ago.

[Beth Stelling]

I told you.

[Pete Holmes]

Fucking dumbass.

[Beth Stelling]

So yes, something happened. No, I don't think there was an event. It was just scary and I was scared.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And it felt there. It did feel. But again, it could be the same thing. I Mentioned earlier, like, when somebody gives you a horoscope and you're like, that is true.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny. I had a psychic reading two days ago, and they. I know. And I thought it was great. I have someone, Josh Rubin did the pot. And he was like, I have this great psychic. And I was like, I don't know why, but I'm in the mood. I'm in the mood. And they were going and going and going and. Because I do have, like a. Especially if it's good. Yeah, this sounds like me.

[Beth Stelling]

But was it on zoom? Was it in person?

[Pete Holmes]

Phone with no info? And it was great. But they kept saying, like, the first thing they said, they were like, you're very direct and bold person. I was like, okay, look, it's not like. I was like, give me a reading. You. All we had was.

[Beth Stelling]

She called and you said, what go. You got.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone knocked on my door and went, she's open. All right, You're a mechanic.

[Beth Stelling]

You're very direct. I see that you're very direct.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel it was. She. She just started going. And what I do when I'm in those situations is I think of someone else. Else. Like, my. It doesn't. I won't name somebody, but I'll. It doesn't matter. I'm thinking, my friend Chris, and I'm like, that's not true of my friend Chris. How does she know she's not talking to Chris? You know what I mean? Like, it's. It seems so obvious when it's you. You're like, well, that's right. And that's right. And that's right. It's a little too right until you go like. But if I had been my friend Mark, none of the things she said were right about my friend Mark. So it makes. Imbues it with more wonder.

[Beth Stelling]

I love the word imbue.

[Pete Holmes]

Me, too. It's the gladiatorial imbues. Great.

[Beth Stelling]

I love that. So it was good. Was there information given where you felt like, that's going to lead me in a different direction?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, because I was like, there's. I'm about to go do this thing, and then there's this other thing. And I was like, should I do that other thing? She was like, I think another opportunity is going to come up. You shouldn't. You should be home for during that time. I was like, all right.

[Beth Stelling]

Sometimes you do just need that, though. Just someone to make the decision for you, though.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, where do you want to go to dinner? Dinner. We're gonna call her and be like.

[Beth Stelling]

Ty, I've had readings, though, before. I have had readings before, though, where they're off and. No, it's not that they're off. It's like a chore. And then I don't do the chore.

[Pete Holmes]

What's a chore?

[Beth Stelling]

Like, the reading was like, you're gonna have like four books by the time you're 40. And to me, that felt like, well, now I gotta write four books. And I didn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

It Right. You were Oedipus and you didn't.

[Beth Stelling]

I didn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You were like, guess what? You can change your fate.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If my fate is. And that feels bad, I can definitely change my fate.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I feel like that feels bad that I didn't do it. Thanks for that. But I didn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

She talked a lot about discipline and routine, and I was. And so there was kind of like a gotta, gotta keep this going.

[Beth Stelling]

I need more discipline and routine. I think I was more disciplined and had a routine when I was working other jobs as opposed to being a full time comic. And I'm not lazy, but I feel it sometimes.

[Pete Holmes]

Loki was right. We're meant to be ruled Avengers. But there is something to it. It's like when. Because Val is making short films and she's writing, and I'm like, this was 10 years ago. She's gotten so much better at it. But I was like, okay, you now don't have a job. Hooray.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Also, you don't know how hard it can be to stare down the barrel of 12 free hours.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like Gaffigan had that great bit where he goes, you ever have 20 things to do on a Saturday? So you just do none of them. That's a lot of what it's like to be a freelancer.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. It's. It's like to say it's hard. People, like, fuck you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You can acknowledge the cool whippery of it and then be like, but it. When someone is on your ass. The reason why corporate America is structured that way is because it works.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Someone is there to go. Like, I need that. And when. No one's saying I need that.

[Beth Stelling]

But sometimes even when they do say I need it. It's like, I been promoting the special here and there when I can. And somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

My landlord special.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. But Blonde Medicine put it out audio wise. They're like, oh, we'll do it. It could be great audio. And I was like, okay, cool. And they have a PR branch, so they've been also, like, putting my name out there and saying, hey, can you do this? Sending me some questions? I mean, they asked me to fill out a questionnaire like a month ago. I just sent it last night at, you know, 3:30am do you know what I'm saying?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, yes.

[Beth Stelling]

That's going to help me in a way that would reach my work to people who I want to, to see it. And I didn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying. You're right in, right where I am right now. Because as a bold and direct person who reads confident and does love himself. That's all true. There's also this very soft, scared core.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

In there. And I think we all have that. And what she was like, she, she's like, you have to talk to that part. Like you talk to your daughter. You just have to be like, it is scary. Like, someone will be like, do this. Fill out this form. Yeah. And I don't want to call it a fear of success, but there's like a fear of. Well, we were just talking about how I'm getting passes on my special. People aren't making it. And it really hurts my feelings.

[Beth Stelling]

I couldn't. I.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you go, like, why would I fill out that form? Why? So you can hurt me?

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. 100%. And I couldn't relate to that more. I, I, you know, you have a bigger following than me, just in general. Meaning, like, when I got passed on last May, it also hurt my feelings. And I had a choice. I'm doing podcasts all the time. We all have friends. It's fun. I had a choice. I said I could pretend I'm doing great. And because Hollywood is very much like, we don't want to give it to the person that wants it bad. We want to give to the person who doesn't need it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Because if you're desperate, that's disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

And I want to come off as I'm still that great comic that you guys love. And don't worry, there will be a special soon and somebody will make it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

No, I was going on podcasts. Like, everybody just passed and all the feedback was, this is some of your best material. We saw it live. We loved it. It. We're looking for people who do huge numbers on social media. That's what all the streamers said to me last May.

[Pete Holmes]

I can taste my dick went so in my body, I can taste it.

[Beth Stelling]

And so that was tough for me. And I'm again, no, I liked it.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry.

[Beth Stelling]

It didn't phase me. Whatsoever.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I know we're assassins and I choked them with a piano wire. Just unfazed, just normal conversation.

[Beth Stelling]

And that hurt my feelings. And then I could, I, I, I, I felt like maybe I make, maybe this is dumb of me to say this and I wasn't going on a, what's it called, a tear telling everybody nobody wants me. And this sucks. But it did hurt my feelings and I chose to be honest about it, which is kind of like weird and rare and maybe did hurt me more. I have no clue.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think it.

[Beth Stelling]

But I'm still. Yeah, but even to hear you say that you're dealing with this now, I go, well, that makes me feel a little better. You know what I'm saying? Cuz I go, well, okay, they're passing and other people they passed on that are great.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm going, I'm hearing muchos passes.

[Beth Stelling]

Same from people who are great comics.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. And I'm not even. It's hard to be convincingly be convincing when I'm like, this isn't from the place of hurt feelings. I think they're seeing things that are gangbusters. So let's say they have 10 things that are gangbusters. And then we're like, but you could put 10 of us together and would be one more gangbuster thing. And they're like, we'd rather just invest in these gangbuster things. Yeah, yeah, I guess that's fine.

[Beth Stelling]

Fine. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's not. What I'm waiting for is somebody I don't know. I guess in every aspect of show business, we're looking for people that are like, I love this, I love comedy and this is good. And, and that's why.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we are getting. And I, I've been honest about this. Sometimes I'll see a great comic at a show. And I'm like, wow, I should have them on. We do have them on. We have people with small followings on. On. I just can't help but be like, if they have a lot of followers being more likely. So we're all full of. Yeah, in some ways because we're all. It's like that Black Mirror episode where everyone has a rating. Yeah, it's like happening.

[Beth Stelling]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

But we still have small guests on. And I'm proud of that.

[Beth Stelling]

But thanks for having me.

[Pete Holmes]

Not you. I didn't mean Totally kidding. I would be an insane person. In fact, this whole time I'm like, oh, we've been looking for like a hero episode because we're just Going to a new network. And I was like, this one's great. It's like a classic. You made it weird and I love it. And I was like, it's a big guest. That's how I thought. So please know that.

[Beth Stelling]

No, no, no, I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

But.

[Beth Stelling]

But sometimes I'll make myself feel better, even think. Because, you know, Bamford's one of my favorite comics.

[Pete Holmes]

Bam.

[Beth Stelling]

Bam.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a name. Maria's right. Maria's right. Bamford. It's good, right? That's right. Is right. It is for the names. These are the right names. Tig could not be Susie Whiteflower.

[Beth Stelling]

No. Tig is so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Tig is the only name.

[Beth Stelling]

But yeah, I'm like, I'll look at Maria and like, of course, in my mind's eye or whatever the world, it's like, she should have 2 million, 5 million followers.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

But she doesn't. And so then I have to go again. I hate to do the whole, like, it makes me feel better to hear that that didn't go well for you. It's not, Not. It's not the. It's not a joy. It's to say like, well, I respect that person and they don't have this or that's what's going on for them too.

[Pete Holmes]

Solidarity.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a beautiful thing.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. So I'm just sort of like, I have to know how much I love and respect Maria. And for. To see her not have millions, I go, okay, well, yeah. And I wanted to have millions. But yeah. It's become, you know, it's always a currency.

[Pete Holmes]

But I know I. It's going to be interesting to see where it all heads. Because we are like, I wonder if the next generation, you know how they like physical media, vhs. And I wonder if there'll be like a resurgence of like just a little bit more of that tactile like 60s happening. Like. Cool.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you and I came up in a scene that was like the cool.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. And it was so fun to be there, to know who they are.

[Pete Holmes]

And then murder.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, not to sound like an old person, but that's what mattered. This person destroyed. And now there is like a. What's the hook? What's the haircut? What are the pants?

[Beth Stelling]

And having. Well, yeah. And I don't envy that. Having to like have that be.

[Pete Holmes]

Me neither. We're back to the people. And I. Look, I'm not trying to drag anybody up. Drag. I'm just saying, keeping it non cringe. I'm just such an idiot. I Don't envy the Queen. Quick Splash because. Because it's empty either way. But we have to say the acceptance can be one thing and the rejection, but it doesn't. Just keep doing your thing.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I think that's what I've come back to because I'm. I experienced kind of some of the stuff you're having to deal with right now. Getting your. A recent no. It's like I've kind of been living in that.

[Pete Holmes]

A fresh no.

[Beth Stelling]

And it did.

[Pete Holmes]

And when Netflix gives you a no, it actually says next no in 5, 4.

[Beth Stelling]

I felt like I got shot.

[Pete Holmes]

Binged nose.

[Beth Stelling]

I felt like I got shot last May and I was bleeding out through the end of the year.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Beth Stelling]

That's how I felt like it was. It was informing me on the road. I was like, I don't. Nobody cares and I'm not good enough. Even though the feedback was, this is great material. It was a compliment.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

So I. But it. It did take a hit. It sucked. And then I had to sort of go back to go, what do I care about giving these people a good show on the road? That I'm great live, that people care about what I do, and I have people that want to see it and I'm having fun, obviously. I'm trying to focus on that. I am lost, however, on what I do with this current hour, because I don't wanna. I still have it. I have an hour. I'm touring right now and I. I'm ready. It could be ready.

[Pete Holmes]

Situation. I have a new hour and I have a filmed hour. So I'm sitting.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

On a hard drive.

[Beth Stelling]

So it's just sort of like. I don't know. I need to start moving on. I don't have mine filmed. Well, I have a version of it that I hate, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, nice.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So release that.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, I have a version of it I hate. I've made it better since. I'd love to record this, but then. What? No, I don't want to fund it myself because I don't have the money to fund it.

[Pete Holmes]

I see.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't want to do that and risk. What? Making $2 back on YouTube. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Beth Stelling]

The landlord special was easy. My boyfriend is so talented. He, like, did that himself.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow. Why not do that?

[Beth Stelling]

I could.

[Pete Holmes]

It looks so great.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. Yeah. We'll do it again. Yeah, I think we'll do that again. Just like in a club or something. But yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a little too inside baseball, but I think it's almost over this piece of advice, One of the things that I like. You can get someone to sponsor it. Like, instead of counting on views, which can be a little nebulous if you sell a sponsor card, especially if you have some sort of proof of concept.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

That seems like an. An area of business that I. Nobody told me about.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when we did the Batman videos and stuff, we would be like Magic Mind Presents. Like, that's a way of recouping. Instead of going, oh, somebody told me every million views, you make $10,000. That's not true.

[Beth Stelling]

No. I think I'm at 259.

[Pete Holmes]

259.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And your agents and managers. So you're getting a. A heartache.

[Beth Stelling]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

You're getting a Paul Thomas Anderson. Have you seen the new.

[Beth Stelling]

Not yet.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going to see it tonight. I love PTA so much. It's babysitter. Good.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'll get a babysitter. We didn't even talk about how you're like a.

[Beth Stelling]

Like a fledgling stepmother.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like an impermanent stepmom.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. I'm just.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like a.

[Beth Stelling]

You can't even say mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Your mom, question mark.

[Beth Stelling]

My Beth. I'm like their Beth.

[Pete Holmes]

Beth. Sometimes you see that you're seeing more representation. There's a kids book I have. It's like my dad and my. And they make the word mom, and like, let's say it's Marjorie. It's my Marjorie. Mom. Or something like that.

[Beth Stelling]

Interesting. I've been trying to figure that out myself. Stepmom is like, a yucky word.

[Pete Holmes]

Are they boys or girls?

[Beth Stelling]

Girls. Boy and girl.

[Pete Holmes]

Boy and girl. How old?

[Beth Stelling]

9 and 12. Who's 12? Owen.

[Pete Holmes]

The boy?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah. The boy is 12 and the girl is 9.

[Pete Holmes]

Cute.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you like it?

[Beth Stelling]

I do. I love them.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you gonna say? No, not really.

[Beth Stelling]

I love them, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Can this be the clip?

[Beth Stelling]

They're all right.

[Pete Holmes]

Dead. Fine. I like one of them. I won't tell you which, but she's better. Fun.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Good.

[Beth Stelling]

I do like it. It's been good. I think the tough part for me is, like, I go to things that I can, but I am out of town a lot, and so that does feel weird. That's like an extra.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

I feel like they've never made me feel like I'm letting them down.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

But I miss a lot because I'm gone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

And so that. That is hard because it's like, I would be there if I could, but. What? You want to tell them that all the time it gets old.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Like, sorry, I can't make your game. I would, but I'm on the road. Road. Sorry I can't make you think.

[Pete Holmes]

How much do you tour? Muchos.

[Beth Stelling]

This year I. I think I have like 36 weekends down. It's been nuts.

[Pete Holmes]

What's your airline?

[Beth Stelling]

All of them.

[Pete Holmes]

Me too.

[Beth Stelling]

Whatever gets me there.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never been in a way that feels good. There's a Delta at 5am yeah, yeah. And an American at 1pm I'll take the Delta because I'm loyal to Delta. Like, even they're like, we know you have a choice in airlines. I'm like, bitch, you were when you got me where I needed to be.

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody's going Delta.

[Beth Stelling]

I just did Southwest of Baltimore. You think I wanted to do that?

[Pete Holmes]

I'll do a Southwest.

[Beth Stelling]

It was at 5am I think that should be illegal. They were calling it a red eye. They sent an email out the night before that was like how to prepare for a red eye. They're basically saying it's at 5am but they're basically like, hey, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Quiet down.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Just remember, nobody.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, they tell everyone. Shut the up. Yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

Hey, everybody, pack a pillow. Cuz you. We need you to shut the up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

It's five. I want to remind you that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. And middle seat, pack a sleeping bag that fills with a foam, like a fire retardant foam. So you zip it up and you can just sleep in stasis.

[Beth Stelling]

I don't know if I could do it. I need like some sort of heavier.

[Pete Holmes]

No, the foam will be lean.

[Beth Stelling]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll get a lean. I use my other. You use a Emily Gordon.

[Beth Stelling]

Put me onto the turtle.

[Pete Holmes]

What's a turtle?

[Beth Stelling]

T R T E L. It's a. Edit that out.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding.

[Beth Stelling]

It's a neck.

[Pete Holmes]

Unless they're paying. They don't.

[Beth Stelling]

They don't pay. No, it's a neck pillow, but it's like a neck brace basically wrapped in a scarf.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I think I've seen things.

[Beth Stelling]

I like it. It's not for everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

[Beth Stelling]

If you don't, maybe they'll make my next special turtle.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. Turtle presents.

[Beth Stelling]

I wear it the whole show.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Ali Wong when she was promoting reproducing. Was that anything? Thank you. Thank you for that. Like, I thought that was a marketing make babies sponsored by talk about promoting heteronormative behavior. Well, thank you. I feel like we could talk about a million other things.

[Beth Stelling]

But I'll come back.

[Pete Holmes]

It's 120 and Katie's silent disco she.

[Beth Stelling]

Has to get to.

[Pete Holmes]

She's going to dance on the beach with headphones on. This was a delight.

[Beth Stelling]

I had a great time.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're so funny. You're funny and you're special. Stop it. I paused for more. Stop. But what do you like the most? The special. The Landlord special. Very funny.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

You weren't around here, were you? That building.

[Beth Stelling]

Wait, what?

[Pete Holmes]

The Landlord special. Was that a building in this neighborhood.

[Beth Stelling]

Where I filmed it?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, sorry. That the story is about.

[Beth Stelling]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no.

[Beth Stelling]

The building was in Franklin Village by ucb.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, near Tall John?

[Beth Stelling]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He used to live up there. Maybe he still does. Okay. You're the best. Thank you.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Really appreciate it. You're so funny.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

You're the gold winner.

[Beth Stelling]

Thank you for having me.

[Pete Holmes]

You're the gold winner.

[Beth Stelling]

Yes. That was a real phone call.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on, Mom. Bethstelling.com Would you say keep it crispy? It's how we end.

[Beth Stelling]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice. I don't know why I loved it so much, but I did.