Carol Leifer

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Episode: Carol Leifer
Release Date: May 14, 2025
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Carol Leifer

---

Overview

This episode features legendary comedian, TV writer, and stand-up performer Carol Leifer. Famous for her work on Seinfeld, Saturday Night Live, and The Larry Sanders Show, Leifer joins Pete for a fast-moving, joke-dense, and insightful conversation. Major topics include the evolution of stand-up, comedic writing processes, formative stories from comedy’s golden eras, the quirks and challenges of performing, and a focus on Leifer’s new book: How to Write a Funny Speech. The duo also riff endlessly—delighting in bits about Pirate’s Booty snacks, green rooms, “pilot in the audience” nerves, writers’ rooms, and perceptions of God. Their rapport is warm, silly, and earnest, making this episode rich for comedy fans and creators alike.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. How Carol Got Into Comedy

• College Days:

  • Carol attended Harper College (State University of New York) and was in a theater group with Paul Reiser.
    • "He was the funniest guy I ever met there. To this day, he's the funniest guy I've ever met." — Carol Leifer [08:00]
  • Reiser introduced her to New York open mics.
  • Early comedy clubs (Catch a Rising Star, Comic Strip) involved long lines and diverse acts—singers, jugglers, ventriloquists—before stand-up dominated.

• First Audition:

  • Carol’s first set at Catch a Rising Star went exceedingly well, with Larry David as emcee.
  • “Larry put me through the audition…he passed me!” — Carol Leifer [18:11]

• The “Sophomore Bomb”:

  • Second set was a disaster—friends in the audience groaned audibly.
    • "I had my cassette - you can hear my friend, in the middle of it…" (audible groaning). — Carol Leifer [20:14]
  • Both agree: First set is often good, second inevitably tough.
    • “If you have a bad set, your next one is usually good, right?” — Pete Holmes [23:59]
    • "Never fails." — Carol Leifer [24:00]

---

2. Green Rooms, Stage Distractions, and Comedy Etiquette

• The Curse of Pirate's Booty:

  • Carol tells a story of bombing because the promoter's wife was noisily eating Pirate’s Booty backstage.
    • "I want that to be my ringtone: 'She was eating a bag of Pirate’s Booty.'" — Pete Holmes [25:40]
  • Both agree green rooms are sacred: no friends, family, or snacks that make noise.

• Friends & Family as Disruptors:

  • The “VIP” phenomenon—hecklers or disruptive audience members are almost always someone’s friend.
    • "Tell your friends: you can't yell out at any point." — Carol Leifer [28:34]
  • Pete recounts discomfort performing for his own father.
    • "It's hard to do standup in front of the energy that turned you into a standup." — Pete Holmes [29:56]

---

3. Comedic Bits, Riffs, and Snack Food Tangents

• Pirate’s Booty vs. Cheetos Marketing:
  • Extended riff about snack foods’ marketing and how parents rationalize snacks.
  • Memorable observation on Pirate’s Booty:
    • "Pirate’s Booty is for children. It’s healthy-seeming Cheetos." — Pete Holmes [31:15]
    • "If you see a little bag backstage…know what? I’m gonna go with the booty." — Pete Holmes [31:07]
• Confetti as Applause:
  • Pete (slightly stoned) theorizes people like confetti because it mimics the sight of thousands applauding.
    • "Confetti is like, what if it was this? We like it—it looks like a celebration.” — Pete Holmes [56:32]

---

4. Writer’s Rooms, Comedy Process, and the Joy of Collaboration

• Seinfeld Writer’s Room:

  • Different from others: ideas are pitched directly to Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David.
  • “If Larry David didn’t like an idea…man, to see that face…” — Carol Leifer [62:32]
  • The energy in the room shifts drastically for an idea Larry likes: "Yes, yes, I like that!"

• Value of Collaboration:

  • Both Pete and Carol agree that the group effort often beats solo writing.
    • “I love being with other funny people…with every funniest person from their high school.” — Carol Leifer [71:27]
  • The ping-pong of ideas is what Carol enjoys most about writing for TV versus stand-up.

• Tips from Comedy Legends:

  • Steven Wright to Carol, when she was struggling early:
    • "You gotta do this every night for three years without judging yourself." — Steven Wright via Carol [38:14]

---

5. Signature "Weird" Comedy Stories

• Origins of “Pilot in the Audience” (Seinfeld):

  • Pete and Carol dissect the episode where Jerry is thrown off by the pilot being in the audience—a callback to how little disruptions can wreck performer focus.
    • “For some reason, if you told me the pilot is in the audience, it throws you off.” — Pete Holmes [46:53]
    • Carol explains Seinfeld’s stories were drawn from real-life minutiae.

• Curb Your Enthusiasm Moments in Real Life:

  • Pete recounts accidentally creating “Curb” moments—like awkwardly asking a neighbor to mail a letter.
    • Both theorize why these micro-awkwardnesses make classic TV bits.

---

6. Bits-in-Progress and Stand-Up Insights

• Carol’s New Material:

  • Joke about lesbian relationships and traditional gender roles (“I’m always by the door waiting, [yelling] let’s go!”).
  • Pete suggests tag lines: Lesbians 'get' why men are baffled by these situations, giving Carol a “different license” to joke about it.
    • "You're supposed to know what's taking so long…Isn’t the backbone that men don’t understand hair extensions?” — Pete Holmes [75:33]
  • Another bit: Adopting an elephant (“because I couldn’t have one naturally”). Pete suggests shifting the animal for quicker audience buy-in.

• Joke Writing Process:

  • How to identify the most fruitful comedic territory (ask “Who thought of this and why?”).
    • "One of the easiest ways to comedy is: who thought of this and why?" — Pete Holmes [73:18]
  • Writers’ room dynamic: group can transform half-baked ideas into real jokes.

---

7. Book: How to Write a Funny Speech

• Why the Book?
  • Addressed the need for everyday people to give funny speeches at events (weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc.).
    • "There was a chasm the size of one book, and you filled it." — Pete Holmes [83:30]
  • Co-authored with Rick Mitchell; includes “jokes to steal” for various events.
  • Topped Amazon’s public speaking category.
  • Carol’s advice: think of a speech as a stand-up set—there are steps you can follow.

---

8. Faith, Spirituality, and Meaning of Life (Final Minutes)

• Carol’s Perspective:
  • Jewish by culture and tradition—relates to the community, not dogma.
    • "I don’t believe there is an Almighty watching down on us…It's a link to my family." — Carol Leifer [87:10]
• Pete’s “Screen is God” Metaphor:
  • God as the infinite ground—like a movie screen to the movie, “God does not exist apart from the world, but as its very substance.”
    • "The screen to the things in the movie does not exist [for them], but it's what holds it all." — Pete Holmes [88:05]

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Comedy Bombing:

  • “You can hear my friend, in the middle of it…” — Carol Leifer describing her second bombed set [20:28]

• On Green Room Etiquette:

  • "No family members of promoters backstage. This is our sacred space." — Carol Leifer [26:27]

• On Writing and Collaboration:

  • “That synergy of back and forth, it’s so fascinating to me, and I love it.” — Carol Leifer [71:27]

• On the ‘Meaning of Life’

  • “I like the community of Judaism and the tradition and all that. But I don’t think there’s anybody supreme up there other than Diana Ross.” — Carol Leifer [87:05]
  • “The ground of all being is another term for God…the screen on which the movie plays.” — Pete Holmes [88:05]

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 05:00: Pete expresses nerves about interviewing a legend
• 07:18: Carol’s origin with Paul Reiser and early open mics
• 17:15: Story of auditioning, Larry David passing her
• 20:13: “Sophomore Bomb” and the trauma of a bad set
• 25:40: “Pirate’s Booty” green room story
• 29:56: On performing in front of family
• 38:14: Steven Wright’s advice
• 46:53: On “the pilot in the audience” and performance disruptions
• 62:32: Inside Seinfeld writers’ room
• 71:27: On the “ping-pong” synergy in writers’ rooms
• 75:00: Carol testing new bits about lesbian relationships
• 83:16: Carol’s book, “How to Write a Funny Speech”
• 87:05: Carol’s thoughts on Judaism and faith
• 88:05: Pete’s philosophical “screen and movie” God metaphor

---

Memorable Moments

• Pete and Carol riffing on snack food marketing (Pirate’s Booty vs. Cheetos)
• The deeply relatable story of bombing and the healing that comes after
• Writers’ room lore: Larry David’s “not impressed” body language
• Unique, meta “Curb” moments drawn from everyday frustrations
• Carol’s practical, jokey wisdom on writing speeches and for the stage
• Off-the-cuff bits on confetti, gender roles, and green room sanctity
• Heartfelt discussion on what spirituality means outside of dogma

---

Closing

This episode is a treasure trove for comedy aficionados, filled with wisdom on stagecraft, writing, performance anxiety, the culture of comedy in legendary eras, and deliciously weird riffs. Carol Leifer’s warmth and wit shine from beginning to end.

---

Recommended for:
Stand-up comics, writers, TV/film comedy fans, seekers of behind-the-scenes stories, and anyone looking to give a funnier speech.

---

Final Sign-off:
"What you gotta do is keep it crispy." — Carol Leifer [92:12]

Transcript

[Carol Leifer]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah, you made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? Well, it's official. I'm obsessed with Carol Leifer, who is our guest today. One of my all time favorite episodes. Winner of the most likely to become my dear friend IRL in the past couple months award. I was just blown away. Charming, funny, interesting, brilliant. She has a new book out which is called how to write a funny Speech. I can't believe that hasn't been done before that one of the best TV and comedy and standup writers in the world wrote a book for everybody. For bar mitzvahs, weddings, graduations. There you go. People do that. How do you do it? How do you do it? Well, get how to write a funny speech by Carol Leifer. It is so good. You so helpful and so funny and she is so funny. If you don't know who Carol is, she is a stand up. She wrote for snl, she wrote for Larry Sanders, she wrote for Seinfeld. We talk about all that in this episode and more. And I'm so glad that you are here. And peteholmes.com for my tour dates. It is no longer the PG13 tour because it's just. It's not PG13. It's called the Pete Here now tour. May 24th, I'm going to be at Largo in Los Angeles. Then the dates go like this. Nashville, Irvine, California, San Jose, California, Houston, Royal Oak, Michigan, Washington D.C. boston, Spokane, Washington, St. Louis, Cleveland, Homestead and Atlantic City. And I keep saying this, but right around Atlantic City we will be announcing New York City very, very soon. And all of those will be on peteholmes.com thank you to everybody that's been coming out. Toronto was incredible. What an amazing show. What an amazing city. We had so much fun and I'm glad you're here. We'll talk about Toronto. Probably more on we made it weird this week, but for now, what's happening right now? You are listening to the Carol Leifer episode of you made it weird. And I'm so glad you are because it's really wonderful. So get into it. You drink it, you get a bonus. Oh, good. Well, this is fresh and cold. And this is also. This is a sponsor as well. It's Magic mind. But I really like that as a writer, really, you might enjoy it. No, no, no. No ad talk. It's really nice. Okay, Little caffeine. Do you want it? Do you want it?

[Carol Leifer]

I don't know, I just had a big coffee.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You might not want it, then you might be all right. And then also. What do they say? No. No new routines on race day. You know what I mean? You're already here. You like how you feel. Don't change how you feel.

[Carol Leifer]

All right?

[Pete Holmes]

And for everybody, we're here. Honored to meet you.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, please.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you.

[Carol Leifer]

I am.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop it.

[Carol Leifer]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop it. No.

[Carol Leifer]

You have to let me. You gotta let me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll allow it. I'm not British or Jewish. I love praise.

[Carol Leifer]

What you know about green eggs and ham?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you like?

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, my God. Your bands. Really? Stay with me. I just admire you and love you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Carol Leifer]

So much. As a comedian. I'm not kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

What a thrill for me. I'm not. Because I was telling you we double booked.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just. In a. I have a six year old. How old is your.

[Carol Leifer]

19.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My goodness. My goodness. Well, we'll get to that. But you remember what's. Yeah, exactly. You tell me what I have to look forward to. But boy or a girl or boy. Okay. Boy. I'm gonna blame being a parent that I got the email. I emailed with your team.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. Because I requested to be on your podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

This is very fun for me. It is.

[Carol Leifer]

Wow. Now, I reached out to. I reached out to the Sklar brothers. Both of them.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I replied and I said, please. And then I did. This is so boring. But it's almost over. Everybody. Not the episode, but this dumb anecdote. I replied like, yes, today, 11. Didn't tell Katie. Didn't put in my calendar. What was I doing?

[Carol Leifer]

You know what? You have kids thing. Brain. It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's gracious of you. I was probably, you know, bubble bath overflowing. All the cliches. The Brian Regan bit. I'm stuck in the blinds.

[Carol Leifer]

I haven't heard that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great bit about how moms in commercials are always, like, clean and the dad's stuck in the blind, which is just such a great image.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a cat. So I, I apologize. And I, I.

[Carol Leifer]

No problem. The other guy has to wait, not me.

[Pete Holmes]

David Fox and I did rudely say, even if you had shown up first, we would have given it to Carol.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you are a Leon. Oh, I said it in. I. I get a little nervous talking to people that have done comedy for as long as you have.

[Carol Leifer]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Because I know there's areas that, if I ask you Gold, I don't even mean laughs. I just mean, like, you worked with Garry Shandling.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I could miss it. I could miss your great prior story. I could miss your great.

[Carol Leifer]

I don't have a prior story, so you're not gonna hear that.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't worry about it. But there is something on the table, and I don't know what it is, and I can't burden you, which is like, tell me something great. But. Well, let's. Let's know. We'll have a shared intention.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

To find that thing.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I love the era of comedy you're in now, but I also love all the way.

[Carol Leifer]

You came all the way back when there were talkies.

[Pete Holmes]

When there were talkies.

[Carol Leifer]

When you put a record on the Victrola.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. This whole time I was like, please don't think I'm calling you old. I'm just saying.

[Carol Leifer]

No, no, I get it, I get it. I was lucky to come up in the time that I did, which was.

[Pete Holmes]

A long time ago and a hot time. Did you read Comedy at the Edge or. I'm dying up Here. I mean, these books about New York and LA, both in, you know, the 70s, 80s.

[Carol Leifer]

I read the Last Laugh. I don't know if they have that anymore. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the racist one. I'm just kidding. I just, like, somehow smear you in that day.

[Carol Leifer]

That's what you had to read.

[Pete Holmes]

The Last Laugh does sound kind of severe, I guess is what made me.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, but that's what, you know, people of my comedy generation would read that and like, oh, there's this thing called stand up comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay, so that's an older book.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so it's not a history chronically.

[Carol Leifer]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

When did you start stand up? When did you get into. Or what was your first foray into comedy? Well, I'm gonna find the story.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay. I know you are.

[Pete Holmes]

It's gonna be you kicking, digging, ticking.

[Carol Leifer]

You'll find it.

[Pete Holmes]

You and John Candy in an elevator. Just one quick smooch. Just one quick With John.

[Carol Leifer]

You're close. We're gonna get there.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna get there. Larry David told you to fuck off. We're gonna get there. You know the clips these days. We need the Larry David mean to you story.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not gonna get that because he was a sweetheart.

[Carol Leifer]

He was. No, he was. We'll get to it. And then you're gonna go, ooh, digging, digging. Found the story.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

All right, all right, I'm. So here's what happened.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

I was going to school at Harper College, which is part of the State University of New York System.

[Pete Holmes]

And.

[Carol Leifer]

And I was in a theater group with Paul Reiser.

[Pete Holmes]

No way. Love arise.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes, He's.

[Pete Holmes]

Love arise.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to say underrated, because that makes it seem like he's not appreciated.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But I do feel like sometimes people might forget.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How great Rise was.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, and he's out doing stand up.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. He's still rising.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's ketchup. All Riser Star was the club that broke. Don't you laugh at that. Don't you laugh.

[Carol Leifer]

No, I love a good part.

[Pete Holmes]

Me, too.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think they're back in 2020. I know we need all the help.

[Carol Leifer]

Let's. Yeah, let's go.

[Pete Holmes]

About you. So you were in a theater group with Paul.

[Carol Leifer]

We were in a theater group. He was the funniest guy I ever met there.

[Pete Holmes]

Always.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. To this day, he's the funniest guy I've ever met. Naturally, just talking. Naturally.

[Pete Holmes]

Because, you know, that's a different skill.

[Carol Leifer]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

There's the, you know, Stephen goes into the lab.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Crafts.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Paul Reiser Seems like just a fun time at the movie.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. You know, Yakov Smirnoff off stage is just a regular Russian guy.

[Pete Holmes]

He's just a guy. He's just a man. He's just a beard.

[Carol Leifer]

Ordering a vodka, eating borscht.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. We don't need it. No, it's a pink soup. Get out of here. And then he gets on stage.

[Carol Leifer]

And then he gets on stage and in. Yeah. In America, you do this and we do that. So he saves it for the stage.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In America, you have Yellow Pages. In Russia, pages, yellow. You. I mean, poor guy.

[Carol Leifer]

That's his opening joke. It's so strong.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. And then, you know what's funny? He closes with it again.

[Carol Leifer]

People don't mind.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't mind, Right.

[Carol Leifer]

They're waiting for.

[Pete Holmes]

Waiting. There's people leaning forward. Is he gonna do pages, Yellow You. And then he does. And it's a standing. Oh, I feel bad, because that's his. Who are these people?

[Carol Leifer]

Completely.

[Pete Holmes]

And Seinfeld didn't really say who.

[Carol Leifer]

No, he never did.

[Pete Holmes]

Never did.

[Carol Leifer]

And yet this guy, right. When they do an impression of him, that's what they're gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

Same page. Same yellow page. All right, so you're with the funniest person you've ever known, Paul Reiser.

[Carol Leifer]

And Paul Reiser said to me, during the summer, I go down to New York and I go to these comedy clubs in Manhattan where they have open mic night and you get a number during the day and you can go on.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it wasn't. Now, if you want to go up at like the com. What am I thinking? Yeah, the one that's on the Upper east side. The classic. It's in New York, though.

[Carol Leifer]

Comic strip.

[Pete Holmes]

Comic strip. If you want to get on the comic strip.

[Carol Leifer]

We're going to get to that.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll get to the comic strip.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

See, when I. I don't want to disparage the comic strip, but I know there was a heyday of the comic strip then it was all the cellar. It seemed so far uptown. But there was a time there was. If you wanted to get in the comic strip, because I did. You'd wait in a line for like 24 hours.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you'd somehow be in a lottery and then they'd put all the tickets in the air and an eagle would pick one of them. And if the eagle didn't pick you, you were in the running.

[Carol Leifer]

Throwing them up in the air.

[Pete Holmes]

Throwing them in the air. And the eagle. No, not really. None of that was.

[Carol Leifer]

I thought that was.

[Pete Holmes]

Bless you for trust and I feel horrible for betraying.

[Carol Leifer]

I do trust you.

[Pete Holmes]

So the eagle was. You knew the eagle was fake, but.

[Carol Leifer]

No more than that. I know the disrespect that people have for comics that it wouldn't be surprised. Like, they throw them up and like whatever you get, you get.

[Pete Holmes]

You just stepped on one of my favorite. I love talking about. I think the disrespect comedians have to endure.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't even touch on. And I'm not trying to write other you, but as a female, I can't even. We'll probably get to that.

[Carol Leifer]

We'll get to that.

[Pete Holmes]

All right.

[Carol Leifer]

Digging, dig and digging. Female story.

[Pete Holmes]

Horrible indecencies. Tell me. I'm also going to throw this into the riser.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Good looking guy.

[Carol Leifer]

Very good looking guy. Yeah. Good looking guy, huh?

[Pete Holmes]

But you can picture him having sex.

[Carol Leifer]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I'm saying?

[Carol Leifer]

We went out. I totally pictured him having sex.

[Pete Holmes]

We did it. We did it. How long has it been? It's been 13 minutes.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

15 minutes.

[Carol Leifer]

We got the story.

[Pete Holmes]

Paul Reiser.

[Carol Leifer]

When you go out, that's what you do.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what you tend to do. Were you mad about it? Okay. Not quite a pun. It's like a corny joke. That's not a pun. That's just a dumb. It's a dad joke.

[Carol Leifer]

It's okay. It's all right. It said this. Still clever.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna get it.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You saw the effort. A for effort.

[Carol Leifer]

I did.

[Pete Holmes]

So you met him before you were dating him. He was like these open mix.

[Carol Leifer]

We were probably already dating. Yeah. So first of all, comedy clubs were so new at the time. When he was talking about, I go to these nightclubs. I'm like, who's this guy? Like Ricky Ricardo, you know, going to.

[Pete Holmes]

Nightclubs and performing with the microphone that you kind of hold like a woman's head that you're dipping. Swing low.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah. You're picturing little Bing Crosby microphone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Piano on the stage of.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. So we went. We stood outside. It wasn't like what you described. It was like a pretty okay line. You had to probably wait an hour. But what was crazy was while we were waiting on line, Pat Benatar went in to rehearse. And she had been an auditioner one day, too. So she turned to our line and she said, it really works, guys. Hang in there.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now, forgive me. Pat Benatar is a musician.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. But a catch. Rising star. They had singers.

[Pete Holmes]

Any store.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Any kind of star. Any star catcherizing. Paul Reizar.

[Carol Leifer]

You're a juggling star. Come on in.

[Pete Holmes]

They'd let a juggler.

[Carol Leifer]

It wasn't just stand up. Then. It was all kinds of acts.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they followed the money. We'll get to it. I mean, at a certain point, they're like, people are leaving during the juggler. No offense, juggler. You can handle it.

[Carol Leifer]

But then, you know, ventriloquists, they would put up comedic ventriloquists high.

[Pete Holmes]

Unless.

[Carol Leifer]

No, there was David. Oh, God, I forgot his name. There was a David.

[Pete Holmes]

And Goliath. The giant. It's the giant.

[Carol Leifer]

The giant came in. This is how long ago it was that David from. David and Goliath went on stage. That's how long ago I'm talking.

[Pete Holmes]

And David killed. Got him right between the eyes. Come on.

[Carol Leifer]

I like. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why isn't there a ventriloquist that has an enormous doll? It's always.

[Carol Leifer]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

How fragile are their egos that they have to be like, you know, you've.

[Carol Leifer]

Got to be smaller than you see. That's thinking. Any ventriloquists watching?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

Get a bigger doll.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're watching on mute because they love watching the mouse. They don't even know what we're saying. Get a bigger doll that you're pulling. Like a. Like a steam whistle.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Would that be less impressive?

[Carol Leifer]

I think it would be really impressive because nobody's ever seen it Nobody's ever seen it. Right. And that's hard to find these days.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactamundo. And it's also, I think maybe they don't do it because it's hard to do a booming giant voice with that. Like.

[Carol Leifer]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

It has to be like, easy. Like that's easy.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. That might throw it off.

[Pete Holmes]

The mouth hold says this sounds like a small person.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. But. But what about doll which would be visually, like people like, oh my God, I've never seen. And he has that little voice. And then he tease him about it like he's such a big guy. Why do you have a little voice?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to say it. We're at the Sans Casino Giant. Everyone's going nuts. This is their yellow pages.

[Carol Leifer]

You okay?

[Pete Holmes]

And then he goes the first. And everyone goes huge laugh just off of that.

[Carol Leifer]

Different kind of laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Saw it coming. Laugh stuff.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not even a lab, really.

[Carol Leifer]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

I think we figured out something.

[Carol Leifer]

I think we did right. The big ventriloquist doll. They're making them right now.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, by the time this comes out. Oh, wait. We could short. Like, we could invest in giant dolls.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Knowing that when this episode drops.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Take the people. Yeah. Yeah. Pinball was made legal in the seventies. You remember?

[Carol Leifer]

I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a big pinball hall chick.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. I was the pinball wizard. They used to call me back in the day. But no, now you're. Yeah. Dealing with a little more male.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. Situations.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Women have less. I don't want to be divisive here, but women have less interest in ramming the machine.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Pong. I. I enjoyed Pong. I would have played Pong.

[Pete Holmes]

You loved Pong.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that seems more co Ed.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

It wasn't that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's when they were trying to make video games for everybody.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And they were like, everybody likes table.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. And they were like, women like, they're gonna like Pong.

[Pete Holmes]

They're gonna like it. And guess what? Just go ahead and focus on the men. That's. That's where the money is.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, Mario's not rescuing.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not the princess rescuing Mario later. You get that. But it's just boys playing that too.

[Carol Leifer]

We'll let Betty take Pong. You. You go in an office, figure it out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Sweetheart. Back in those days, you would say Betty, she was. She was definitely.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh my God. Everybody loved her. Everybody didn't love Raymond. Everybody loved Betty.

[Pete Holmes]

Joined me in a bad show joke. Were you Mad about it. Okay. So I said, paul Reiser's dreamy. You said you boinked. No good.

[Carol Leifer]

You know, relationship. And part of a relationship part is lovemaking. So did we indulge in lovemaking? I would say, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Indulge too. That's like you indulge in Godiva chocolate. Right?

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like if Paul Reiser sees this, he's like, I'm gonna indulge.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, I'm gonna be in so much trouble. Oh, my God, am I gonna be in trouble.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you indulge in, like, devil's food cake.

[Carol Leifer]

Let's get back to the comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, indeed. I'm with you.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm terrible.

[Carol Leifer]

So we go on Paul does good. I wind up killing. I went on fifth. I had my five minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

You knew what comedy was.

[Carol Leifer]

Well, that's the thing. When you go up, you know, as an auditioner, the bar is very low. So if you have jokes and you have some sort of comedic presence, the audience will be with you. So killed. I thought, oh, my God, this is so easy. I'm gonna be on the Tonight show in three weeks, have my own series. Ba Ba ba. It seemed fantastic. Larry David was the emcee that night.

[Pete Holmes]

Get out of the club.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. Yes. And Larry put me through the audition.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean, put you through? Oh, he passed.

[Carol Leifer]

You. Yeah. I say passed, and then people like. Does that mean they. That he passed?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they passed.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Only comedians would love that. I know it's negative language, but it means something good.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

They burned me. What do you mean? I own the club now.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So Larry David went. This kid's got it.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then we're. For those of you that don't know, you're gonna write for Seinfeld.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes, eventually. We can't go that far. We're staying. Staying in the club. Staying at Catch Rising Stove.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm directing this. So you're young Carol. Who's gonna play young Carol? Let's not get hung up. I know we're pushing in on you, and I want to see, like, a. Like, just frames of you in the Seinfeld writers room with the picture of the earth and the Hubble telescope. And there's Larry, and everyone's laughing at something you said.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Then we come back, just a little jump.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. To Amateur Carol. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because Netflix will love that. They want in the first five minutes to know it's going somewhere sensational.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

They're a car chase or the Seinfeld.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay. All right.

[Pete Holmes]

So.

[Carol Leifer]

So.

[Pete Holmes]

Good fortune.

[Carol Leifer]

Good fortune. But Pete Holmes, as I found out, as most comedians do, it was the second time that I went on there that I completely bombed and it was horrific.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a phenomenon.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Because first time you didn't know you were. I don't want to say you were lucky, but you were. We know how.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also what time you go on how much the audience is drinking. Who you follow.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a million sided Rubik's.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And you just lined up. Right. And they were in the mood for you and you was. Right. And you didn't have expectations. Allow me to ask Elise.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't think this one's funny.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

The first time you were kind of like, is this funny?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then you're jazz. Second time you're like, well, I did this last time.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. A little maybe I had a little swagger. A little swagger from the audition that the audience is like, thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Get that swag out of there.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. But it was so bad that I invited friends from college. I had my little cassette quarter on the table taping my set, and you can hear one of my friends in the middle of it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like this.

[Carol Leifer]

Here it comes. Doing so badly that you hear.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is brutal.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, it is.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a sound. It's an involuntary pain.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like someone dying. Like.

[Carol Leifer]

Well, I was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you were dying.

[Carol Leifer]

I was dying. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I still remember one time. Bombing in Lyle. No, Peoria. Will it play in Peoria?

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Bombing in Peoria opening for Bill Burr. 20 plus years ago. Nobody knew who Bill Burr was.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Good fortune for me. And I'm doing a joke and it's so bad. There's this guy. I kind of singled him out because he looked like me. He was like a big blonde guy.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, oh, this guy will like me because I don't know who I am.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

At least he kind of has the shape of me. I do a joke and he goes, what? Like it was so much worse than a heckle. Because he was like, he's trying. He's like, okay, okay, what? And I was like, that sound is a friend wanting you to do well. It's actually paining them.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They're not mad at you. They're actually suffering your pain.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. Along with you. Your pain that is bleeding out into the audience.

[Pete Holmes]

Quite a phenomenon that a room can suffer the same thing.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

In a room designed for pleasure.

[Carol Leifer]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. We're supposed.

[Carol Leifer]

It's painful when this person is doing bad and it's bringing everyone down.

[Pete Holmes]

That's Right. You don't still have the tape?

[Carol Leifer]

I might have it.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, I might have it because I save a lot of stuff. Where did you first. What was your first audition night?

[Pete Holmes]

I. The first place I did stand up was at the Comedy Connection in Boston.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I had an open mic that I think you called in and left it on an answering machine.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, you mean, I'd like to go on. And then they would call you back with your number. This.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I think so. And you would do it. And Kevin Knox was the comedian who hosted it every week. And then I. I remember I saw it in the newspaper. It was in the Globe. Doesn't this sound like the late 90s? I, like, was looking in the newspaper, and it would be like a hot lead. You're like. Like, you and Riser. You go. That will let you.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. They're looking for people.

[Pete Holmes]

They want people. They want me. I. I got on that stage a couple times also. Sort of famously, to me. Famously.

[Carol Leifer]

Famously famous to you, it's you.

[Pete Holmes]

To me, this is like peak canon. My origin story. I used to call the club Too Much.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

And I would call and be like, oh, I just want to get. Because the owner of the club, his name was Joey, said, we'll get you on one more time before you move to Chicago.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, this man said he'd do it. So I'd call probably every day.

[Carol Leifer]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Always leaving messages. And one time he. He picked up while I was leaving the message, and all he said was like, this isn't how it works.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

But he might as well have said, I'm gonna kill you.

[Carol Leifer]

You could tell I've been calling too much.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. He thought. He didn't say it. I was, like, so terrified. But, yeah, I. It was that and similar to you. First one, pretty good.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Second one, always Gonna Be bad.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sophomore album.

[Carol Leifer]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Then, yeah. You find this phenomenon in Stand Up. And this is a real question. I mean, I'm not just listening to myself talk. If you have a bad set, typically your next set is good.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Carol Leifer]

Never fails.

[Pete Holmes]

You want it.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're. And you were reminded.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Of how it feels.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Never again.

[Carol Leifer]

And it's true in show business. Bad dress rehearsal, great opening night.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Good dress rehearsal, bad opening night. Because you're cocky. It's the same phenomenon.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes, it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Want to go in? My friend Rob Bell says butterflies are good. You want to have that.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Juiced energy. Go out with that hyper, vigilant mind, and then you do well. But if you had a great dress rehearsal and you go out and you're like, we got this. God. All the best shows, all the worst shows I've had in my life started with me backstage. Not literally smoking, but the energy is like, we got this. And then you eat.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Stand up will tell you.

[Carol Leifer]

And you want to do well, the show after. Because you can't live with that feeling that you have from that show.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You need, like, a shower. And then I. I've gotten to the place where if I have a terrible show and, you know, by my. Who cares? My ego wanted me to be like, they're not that bad. But if I have a show that I didn't like.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My wife Val will say, the next one will be great.

[Carol Leifer]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because of this.

[Carol Leifer]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Pulling the bow back on the arrow.

[Carol Leifer]

Yep, yep.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's like, you need that sometimes, and you go up and it's fantastic.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so. I love that, you know. Of course you do.

[Carol Leifer]

Exactly. I had it last weekend. I was working in D.C. and I went on Saturday for a show which, you know, normally is the best show of the weekend.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

And the bag off stage was the promoter's wife. And she was eating a bag of pirate's booty.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop it. And stop the way you said. She was eating a bag of pirate's booty. I want that to be my ringtone. Sorry, Carol's calling me.

[Carol Leifer]

She was eating a bag of pirate's booty. And you could hear the crinkling. Every booty.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

Every single colonel. Every colonel made the loudest noise. And it. Pete. It was throwing me off so much.

[Pete Holmes]

The pilot is in the audience. It's the worst that. What?

[Carol Leifer]

That. I literally went to the audience. Excuse me one second. And I went off stage and I said, you've got to stop eating that pirate's booty. It's making so much noise.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you say loudly for everybody here? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

Because then that would be 10 minutes on the woman and the pirate's booty. Also, another thing that I feel comedians feel is no family members of promoters backstage. This is our sacred space, Carol. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I just saw you take off from half court at a basketball game and dunk it from half court. It's never been done.

[Carol Leifer]

Wow. High compliment.

[Pete Holmes]

60S people are like, is she ever gonna come down? Because I couldn't. And speaking of Bill Burr, I was in a green room once with him. I had never seen it before. And he was just like, everybody's gotta get out. And I was like, I'm such a people pleaser at that time.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like, go, go. It's all these agents, promoters, families.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. Get out.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll also say this, Carol, tell me if you know what I'm talking about. If there's a disruption. Pirate's booty or heckler or rhetorical question answerer.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

They are a friend, girlfriend or family member of someone. You. Or associated with the fear. Have you run into this phenomenon?

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You invite friends. One of the friends of your friends is the woman that when you say, anybody know what I'm talking about? They'll be like, yeah, because they're emboldened.

[Carol Leifer]

They are vip. Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't eat pirate's booty if you're not married to the fucking promoter. Are you nuts? You eat the quiet club food.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Chicken fingers.

[Carol Leifer]

Or not even. Like, don't eat. I want to look over stage. Right. And you're eating.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody wants that.

[Carol Leifer]

Nobody wants.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Yeah. Have you ever seen someone at the Oscars with a big pasta bolognese? Watch the show.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's kind of a heckle. It's like, this is something, but these meatballs or this Pirates.

[Carol Leifer]

I know I'll never eat pirate's booty the same again. It'll always remind me of that horrific stage experience. But what you said about people. It's always the people who heckle who come with friends. It's gotten so bad for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

That when I say to people, I've got you four comps. But tell your friends. You can't yell out at any point.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you think you're vip.

[Carol Leifer]

You're not.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not. In fact, I don't even see you as an individual. You're not. You know how mercury, a little blob of mercury in a big pool of mercury. You're now in the audience.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're now in the audience. Sh, sh, sh. I don't care that you're dating my friend Sonny.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Shut the fuck up.

[Carol Leifer]

Shut up.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a real example, by the way.

[Carol Leifer]

Even when I thought of you as a friend sitting in the audience, you've gone down.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I don't want my dad there. The silhouette of my giant dad. And I'm making fun of my dad.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. No, that's. Oh, God. I don't know how you do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I asked him not to come. That's another. In my mind, famous. And then I'm Backstage. And they go, pete, your dad's here. Literally someone in there. And I. I told them not to come. Yeah, he came and he's just there. I couldn't see him, but I knew. I could feel him. I could smell the canoe. It was Canoe cologne. I'm like, yeah. And the joke, I cut it from my special because it was my wife. I think she's brilliant. And she was like, nobody wants to hear stand up about stand up. And I was like, all right, got it. But the joke that got covered in my special was it's hard to do standup in front of the energy that turned you into a stand up.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh. Oh, that's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard to be a grownup in.

[Carol Leifer]

Front of people that perpetually see a child. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

What? They're talking about everything.

[Carol Leifer]

And the irony. You didn't give me enough attention as a child. And now you're at my show having to give me a lot of attention along with these people.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's a better angle. It's like, I want you didn't. I didn't get enough when I needed it. And now you're trying to join the group that's making up for you.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, there you go.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't join the group. No, that I pay papier mache into a dad. Yeah, be a dad in that group.

[Carol Leifer]

No, you're outside.

[Pete Holmes]

What's next? You're gonna come to my therapy and sit next to my male therapist. That's like, you're a good boy, Peter. And he's gonna be like, what he said?

[Carol Leifer]

It's like, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I pay him to be my dad. We can't have a real dad.

[Carol Leifer]

They can wind up anywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

That's too painful.

[Carol Leifer]

It is too weird.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't handle the Pirate's Booty. But I also understand completely.

[Carol Leifer]

I know if you see a little bag backstage, you'll probably. As a any other chip, you're gonna go. Know what? You know what? I'm gonna go with the booty.

[Pete Holmes]

That's an infantile choice. It takes them down a further peg leg.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. Because children.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Pirates Booty is for children.

[Carol Leifer]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's for children. It's healthy seeming. Cheetos.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's like a lighter texture. Like, Cheetos has really been frozen fried.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pirate's Booty is like, we just visited the fryer.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. If it's one minute in the fryer, what's the big deal?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. There's a star on it that says, just buy it my dog. I will put pirate's Booty in her lunch. I would never put Cheetahs. That's just good marketing.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How did they do it, really?

[Carol Leifer]

The Pirates booty?

[Pete Holmes]

I just mean, like, how did they convince.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, marketing people have a whole swath.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

For us.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You ever hear them explain.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Our customer is 30 to 50. They have kids later in life, they're interested in organic, they're somewhat vegan. They would never buy a Cheeto.

[Carol Leifer]

Never.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw my daughter with flaming hot Cheetos. I would whack it out of her hand.

[Carol Leifer]

You'd call child protective services for that?

[Pete Holmes]

I would step on it like a cigarette. I'd put out the flaming hot Cheeto like a cigarette. And then whoever gave it to her, I'd give them a punch in the face.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I will give her Pirate's Booty, which is essentially the same thing.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. No, they thought about it. They thought exactly what you're saying. We can't give children Cheetos. We need to put something in a very loud bag.

[Pete Holmes]

Take Sun Chips down one peg. That's our bag. We want a slightly softened sun chip bag.

[Carol Leifer]

It might have been even, like children, like loud noises. So we're gonna put it in a loud bag.

[Pete Holmes]

If you think for one second they don't have meetings where they're like, what's the most fun bag experience? What's the hand feel and what's the lick like? What's the retainer?

[Carol Leifer]

Tension is there because Cheetos. Cheetos is like, oh, forget it.

[Pete Holmes]

You look like Chester Cheetah took you downtown and he's printing you and he's like, ah, it's not easy being cheesy, is it? And like pirates, booty doesn't get you a full print.

[Carol Leifer]

No, no, it's definitely okay. Back to blocks. That's what it is. You don't have to clean the toys. It's very mommy that you're done.

[Pete Holmes]

And I've never seen my daughter after eating Cheetos. You ever have to get the teeth involved when you're getting Cheetos? Dust off your hands. Like, there's a scrape. It's so thick.

[Carol Leifer]

No, I've never noticed that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay, I'll go hard on a Cheeto. And like, it's so thick. It's not even a powder anymore. It's like you're halfway to a glove. Yeah, an orange glove.

[Carol Leifer]

No, an orange glove.

[Pete Holmes]

An orange glove.

[Carol Leifer]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what they call the heavy users.

[Carol Leifer]

The heavy users of the Cheetos. But you see, even what they're pitching to children works for adults. Like, I don't want to have Cheetos. That's a bit.

[Pete Holmes]

It's, you know, it's gauche.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes, it's a bit gauche.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a bit much.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. But my pirate's booty.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll eat it.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, I'll eat it. And if I have a child near me, I'll offer them some and no one will mind.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, Carol, I don't want to talk about this forever, but I will. A pirate is a scoundrel.

[Carol Leifer]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Cheetah is one of God's most majestic creatures. But you throw sunglasses on him.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, I don't trust him.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't trust him. I don't trust this cheetah. I would trust the word of a pirate before you, sir.

[Carol Leifer]

That's interesting. Yeah. Do they have a cheetah on the bag of Cheetos?

[Pete Holmes]

Cheetos has Chester on there.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, it does, right? With the sunglasses. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He's on there. And he looks like Joe Kim Camel.

[Carol Leifer]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Same face as Joe Camel.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. They bring children in for a little test marketing thing.

[Pete Holmes]

They do. And which one of these dudes seems like he has an extreme snack that you'd like to try? And they're like, what's the word?

[Carol Leifer]

Extreme. Just tell me that and then I can find out what you're looking for.

[Pete Holmes]

It can't be a penguin because that's like. That's like ice cream only.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, that is associated with them.

[Pete Holmes]

Two cans.

[Carol Leifer]

Two cans. Kids love two kids.

[Pete Holmes]

But then you said that, like, time. Kids love touches. They love them. Beautiful toucan.

[Carol Leifer]

I used to be in snack. That was my day job. I was in snack food technology. That's a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the eagle in the open mic ticket.

[Carol Leifer]

No, but children, I think, like pirates. Don't you think like pirates. Don't you think they're not afraid of them at that age? She does.

[Pete Holmes]

And she loves dinosaurs.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Loves. It's weird how easy they are to predict.

[Carol Leifer]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

And she really likes pirates.

[Carol Leifer]

Why? I know they. They haven't gotten to the stage yet where they hear that they pillage the other one, the R word, and they. Yeah, the R word. They're arguing. We're gonna do some ARG word now. That's the best fun of the day. You can beat that. You can beat that today. I. I'll be stupefied.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I know that's the one to.

[Carol Leifer]

Be the ARG word. That's so.

[Pete Holmes]

It's almost good. It'll never. It's a podcast bit.

[Carol Leifer]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

It'll never live anywhere.

[Carol Leifer]

No, it won't. But that's okay. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the beauty of the podcast. YouTube short.

[Carol Leifer]

Especially by pirates. You know what I mean? They're gonna go, lionel, you gotta see. You gotta see this.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to tell you two. Lionel, put down the parrot. There's a. You there. Be a YouTube short that you be needing to see.

[Carol Leifer]

You see, this is the brilliance of Pete Holmes. He takes the bit, he applies the appropriate terms and characters.

[Pete Holmes]

A YouTube short. TikTok can't be banned. It's how I filled my lonely days of at sea.

[Carol Leifer]

I'm telling you, that's why I'm a fan. That's why.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why I have two pirate bits. Okay, so we were talking about when I first started doing stand up.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Comedy Studio in Harvard Square. Did you ever perform there?

[Carol Leifer]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

It's where Stephen Wright and all those guys started. Great club. Rick Jenkins. Shout Out.

[Carol Leifer]

Anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, that's another. When I called Rick Jenkins.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And was like, hi. After getting yelled at by the Comedy Connection, he couldn't have been nicer.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like, yeah, come on down. You know, we'll give you five minutes. It's like, what the fuck? So that was my first foray into what is more of an alt scene.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a guy who loves comedy as opposed to a club where there's, like, cocaine in the back.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to sell liquor. Comedy stores seem to be about comedy more.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. But that's the thing about other comedians that I think is a misconception among people, that comedians like to help other comedians. They always think, oh, isn't it cutthroat? Isn't it competition? No. So many nice things Steven Wright gave me. When I was starting out, I was at the bar at the Improv. I had a terrible set, not knowing that the next day I would have a great set. And I was very depressed. And he came over to me and he said, you gotta do this every night for three years without judging yourself. And that helped me so much coming from him. Like, yeah, you got to do it, do it, do it. And not, you know, every night. I did. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Build up the callus.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So, Right. I firmly, firmly agree. Hey, Carol, you need to do this every night for three years. Don't judge yourself.

[Carol Leifer]

That's very good.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, if you had headphones on, it would be great.

[Carol Leifer]

I could feel it from here.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard to know how great this embrace from all the way over there. Okay. So I'm at the Comedy Store.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the first big laugh I ever got as a comedian, I think, was I went. I was thinking about organized crime.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We're on. We're on board.

[Carol Leifer]

We're on board.

[Pete Holmes]

People are leaning in. And I was like. I accidentally made a good joke. Do you remember that feeling when you're starting, like, I didn't know what I was.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, you didn't know. Well, why'd you bring up organized crime?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know, but that's what I mean is I accidentally went like, I was thinking about organized crime. That's a clean setup.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, thank you. And then I went. And listen to my Seinfeld influence, by the way. I go. And I was thinking about it, and what we had before the Mafia really was pirates. And it got this really big laugh. Wow. And that really is what makes me feel Seinfeld. It's also a New Yorker cartoon. Will slow you down with a word like really or however. Or like, it's these fun. Like what we had before the Mafia.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really was pirates.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we had. Before the Mafia was pirates. Not a joke.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, we had.

[Pete Holmes]

Before the Mafia. Really?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, oh, that's funny. Really?

[Carol Leifer]

The word really.

[Pete Holmes]

So I accidentally did that. Still remember it.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because all this adrenaline rushed into me, and I had nothing to follow it with, except that I was like, they're the only. They organize crime where they would let you know with a flag that they were coming. They're like, five miles out. They put up the skull and crossbones like were pirates. Watch the Seinfeld here, too. Hide your valuables.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a dumb strategy. Right?

[Pete Holmes]

And then the other one was pillage. I go, do you think the pirate. That first, like, it sounds like a mistake. You pillage a village. Do you think it just made a mistake and stuck with it? He was like, we're gonna rape. I know. You shouldn't. We're gonna arm the women.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're gonna pillage the village. And, like, everyone was scared of him.

[Carol Leifer]

When he just made a. You know, he said the wrong word. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're like, plan or something. But he said pillage and no one. And then it became a word.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna pillage the village. And then I might have made, like, a grape. The. You know, some other.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. But people, you got a great laugh. So you knew that it felt good. And.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, look, sorry. I don't know how I became the guest But I'm so enjoying talking to you. And you're like, so tell me more about that.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, I know. Well, I like to. Yeah. But organized crime is already a good bit. Because it's two words that don't go together. Other.

[Pete Holmes]

Organized crime. Yeah, you're right.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like jumbo shrimp.

[Carol Leifer]

Exactly. Jumbo shrimp.

[Pete Holmes]

Organized.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. Like you have a Filofax. Vinnie has a filofax. At 3 o'. Clock. We're gonna get a payment from Sal's Pizza at 4:00'. Clock.

[Pete Holmes]

You're very funny. It's like you like stabbing people. Yeah. Do you know Quickbooks? Do you know. Do you know Oracle? Do you know HTML? Can you hit that guy with an aluminum bat? You can. Can you help us make a website?

[Carol Leifer]

You can do this tomorrow. You could do it tomorrow.

[Pete Holmes]

Organized crime.

[Carol Leifer]

Well, I don't know about tomorrow, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we both know it's another podcast bit.

[Carol Leifer]

It is another podcast bit.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's what I like about this. Yeah, it's low. This is what I wanted comedy to be. Nobody's here to laugh.

[Carol Leifer]

No, we don't need them.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't need them.

[Carol Leifer]

They don't need them.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't get those tour dates on the screen. Carolifer.com. carolifer.com l, e, I, F, E, R.

[Carol Leifer]

You got it right. Don't spell it wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you also have leaf just for the real dingbats? No, you gotta.

[Carol Leifer]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. What if that was my hot business advice? Carol, you're leaving.

[Carol Leifer]

I go home, I call my tech guy. We gotta do Carol Leafer. Leaf. F, er for the. The dumbass.

[Pete Holmes]

A, R, O, L. We're losing money because people.

[Carol Leifer]

You're my fans, they don't know me.

[Pete Holmes]

They can't spell. They don't know you.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Leafer.

[Carol Leifer]

Make it easy for him.

[Pete Holmes]

Dub. Davidoff. Do you know him?

[Carol Leifer]

I'm going to do his podcast in New York.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, what fun. He's won.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay, good. I like getting the seal of approval.

[Pete Holmes]

Dove like the bird. Dot com. Because nobody knew how to spell dub. Dove.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Davidoff.

[Carol Leifer]

Dove like the bird.

[Pete Holmes]

Dove like the bird. I don't think it is anymore. I'm glad he said podcast, because I think he used to. We talked about orgies when he was. My podcast. You're like, oh, when I'm in New York, I'm doing devs. Sorry, podcast, like that's a better. Oh, it's a better thing.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, much better.

[Pete Holmes]

No, dove orgies.

[Carol Leifer]

But you see, you did that joke, the one that you got the Big laugh on the first time. Organized crime. Yeah. And then you're. And then you're addicted. You've drank the good Kool Aid.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Carol Leifer]

And it's fantastic. I gotta. You want to hear the joke? I got a really big laugh on when my first five minutes.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't wait.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay. Trident gum. Now, they say four out of five dentists recommend sugar scum. Who's this fifth guy? Okay, but here's. Here's where you see the age. Here's where you see the age of the joke. What's he recommending? Rock candy and jujubes. Two candies that are not really around anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Jujubee.

[Carol Leifer]

Jujubee.

[Pete Holmes]

Jujubee made its way onto Seinfeld, didn't it?

[Carol Leifer]

Junior Mint.

[Pete Holmes]

Jujubee. Jujube. Mint went into this. The whole of this?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Jujubee. You're telling me something about Seinfeld.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm trying to. I'm going to sign splain this to you.

[Carol Leifer]

All right, we got to Google this right away or I am ashen.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a. A bit where Jerry and Elaine are at the. At the. And there's something about how hard they are to chew.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And it gets in your teeth or something. Katie, if you're not Googling that right now. Is it juju fruit? She buys it before she goes to the hospital. Oh, you stopped to get the juju fruit. Okay, maybe you didn't have the rights to say it. I think. I think you were right. Jujubes was never.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah, but jujubee is a funny word.

[Pete Holmes]

Jujube is Nathan. Juju fruit. But juju fruit isn't real.

[Carol Leifer]

You were close.

[Pete Holmes]

It is. Wow, Katie, I've nursing you so lit up.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, I bought them at Ralph's. Four for five bucks.

[Pete Holmes]

Juju Fruit. Yes. You. You won. And I'm sorry. I tried to sign splain that to you.

[Carol Leifer]

No, that's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's get that from time to time.

[Carol Leifer]

I know, but you did get something that I had no idea about, which does not make me, as a writer from Seinfeld, to feel very good about. I'm gonna go home and really feel bad about it.

[Pete Holmes]

You just look in the corner while Johnny Cash's Hurt plays. Can I ask who wrote Sorry, we're not going to do this very much, but it came up with the Pirates booty. Yeah, me and my opener, Matt McCarthy, who I love. Whenever someone comes back and says something weird like, just so you know, the friar makes a loud noise and sometimes the. Or, just so you know, everyone has to pay their Bill on their phone. So they're not on their phone, they're paying their bill, they'll leave. And we always look at each other and go, the pilot's in the audience. And do you have any memory of how that came about? It's my favorite Seinfeld thing ever. If people don't know, Jerry goes on stage and his agent says, just so you know, the pilot who plane that you took to the city, he's in the audience and it throws him.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I've never felt more seen as a performer because it's pirate's booty.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like we're simultaneously so confident, so self assured and having so much fun. But for some reason, sometimes you told me the pilot is in the audience and it throws you off.

[Carol Leifer]

Throws you completely off.

[Pete Holmes]

And either what do you got on that? You don't need to tell me the origin of it just. Does that resonate with you as well?

[Carol Leifer]

It probably happened to Jerry because what they liked on Seinfeld, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld were stories from real life. Like being a comedian, you know, in the 90s, have a gig. No, Uber. You have a car service come pick you up. And as you know, you gotta leave sometimes. Four in the morning, five o' clock to make that flight. And every car service guy I had was the chattiest. Kathy. Oh, my God. Motor mouth on and on. And I'm like, barely up. And it made me nuts.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Carol Leifer]

So the beauty of Seinfeld was when I told a story like that, I know that Jerry would of course appreciate that. And Larry David having been a standup. But then it was taken one step further, like where I would say, I wish I could pretend I was deaf so these guys wouldn't talk to me. And that becomes a Seinfeld episode. So anything personal, I would think, I love that. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the more specific, the strange, I guess, is that a paradox would become incredibly universal.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And obviously Seinfeld became the show that people were like, no, be more niche, be more ungettable. People like the sensation of being let in on something.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And even if you can't relate, everybody's had had a chatty friend or whatever it might be. It's kind of fun to be a voyeur and be like, car service chatty guy. It was Elaine, though.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. For her work, Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, My version of that. And I'm saying this just because it's so fun to riff with you. I get these car services at 4 in the morning. Carol. Look at how lit up I can't wait to tell you this. Okay, so we're going to lax. I live about two hours from lax. It's a serious drive, right? So it's four in the morning. I get in the car every time, I swear, which means it's probably happened four times. The guy tells me that he's been up since one that he was. He didn't. His shift ended at 11pm he got up at 12, and he drove here. And I'm like. And then I'm like, did you sleep while you were waiting? He's like, no. And then I proceed to go, well, I can't sleep on this ride anymore. I can't even tune out because I'm looking at his eyes in the rear view. And by the way, my heart goes out to these drivers. They seem to be overworked. So I want to, you know, be. Be kind and considerate here. But I'm watching this guy nod off the entire.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

It happened once where Val was in the car. She's pregnant. This guy's falling asleep.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And my reversal lane is now I got to talk to this guy.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, to wake him up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I have to be like, so are you from la?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, you like, I'm so pissed.

[Carol Leifer]

Suddenly he's the driver for Princess Diana.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Ye got to watch out for this guy.

[Pete Holmes]

My pitch would be in my Seinfeld writers room. Can I drive?

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, can I drive?

[Pete Holmes]

I just don't. I don't. I wouldn't mind if there was a service where they pull up, you get in the car, you get out at the airport, they drive you home. I'd do that every time.

[Carol Leifer]

You know what, Pete? That's an even better. Curb your enthusiasm.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, oh, I see.

[Carol Leifer]

That is because picturing Larry going, you know what? I want to drive. Get, get.

[Pete Holmes]

Getting a backseat. I'm not a good passenger. I'm not a good passenger. Please let me drive.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you, I just had a cur. I'm sorry, Carol, I must. I'm just loving talking to you. We're gonna get to your book. We're gonna get back to your story. But I just had a curb. I had a curb.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, it happened.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess this is a real curb.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

In my life. Oh, we had friends over.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

These are our neighbors. We have them over for Sunday dinner. It's very folksy, it's warm. It's not show busy, and we're, you know, having dinner. I had tried to Mail a letter that day to my business manager. There's a letter. And I didn't have any stamps. So I said to my friend Ariella, I go, would you mail this for me? And she was. And I would say this if she was here, because we laughed about it.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

She was clearly, like, put out.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like. She's like, what am I, your assistant? I was like, no, it's a cup of milk. It's a.

[Carol Leifer]

It's a right. And you told her you didn't have any stamps.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't have any stamps.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. Not just.

[Pete Holmes]

Just. I don't have any samples. I need to mail this. You're going home. Could you put it in your outgoing.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And she sent me a text about, like, National Assistance Day. Like, it became a bit. And Val was like, that's a curb.

[Carol Leifer]

It's totally a curb. It's a curb. Right. Because it's so much. About how much will people do for other people. That seems trivial.

[Pete Holmes]

Seems trivial. But you can understand both sides. I understand. As the Larry in this scene. What's the big. It's very George, too. It's all pipes.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Pee in the shower.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Will you mail this letter? Why? Could I ask for, you know, milk or a ride to the airport?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I can't just say, can I have a stamp?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It felt too. And there's a power dynamic, too, where I'm like, will you mail my check to my business manager? She didn't know it was a check, but it was.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, but did you really frame it with. I really hate to ask you this. This. And I feel like such a big idiot. But I don't have any snaps.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Because I must. Whatever Larry has. I have a smidge of it, too, because I just go, will you mail this for me? I just said it like a idiot at Lift Farm Restaurant.

[Carol Leifer]

But she did take it and did mail it.

[Pete Holmes]

But then I can't. It can't be Autism, because I'm watching her face, and I'm like, you don't like this? It might be a sprinkle. It's not a serious. Yeah, because I'm like, I can tell you hate this.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then she's like, no, no, I'll take it. It. It was a great scene. We could have shot it.

[Carol Leifer]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, it's fine. Do you want me to pick up your dry cleaning? You know what I mean? It's like, you want me.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are there certain tasks that are for assistance only?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. And not for I'll give you a letter for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, if you gave me a letter, I would do it, but there is an imposition. There's like a. Yeah, there is a.

[Carol Leifer]

Little bit, but it can't be bothered. No. Yeah, I know it. Yeah. But that is the perfect. Larry David would have loved, loved, loved that. Yeah, he would have. Absolutely. He loves things that are very small, that you wouldn't. You wouldn't come up with that in a typical writer's room. Especially the person. The things that happen to you personally. Like I told him at curb that. You know when you have a meeting with the network and you go. And there's like a. A fruit bowl sitting in the middle of the table?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

How weird would it be if you grabbed one of those apples and you started eating it during the meeting? And not just that. When you were done with it, you know, and you ate the whole thing. The core. You got up and you put it in the office trash can.

[Pete Holmes]

A smell bomb.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

If you have an empty yolk container. Oh, you're on a task, my friend.

[Carol Leifer]

You got it right.

[Pete Holmes]

You're on a journey.

[Carol Leifer]

You gotta win.

[Pete Holmes]

An outdoor trash can.

[Carol Leifer]

Exactly. By the parking lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Empty, regular.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Or put in a dumpster that already smells like baby vomit.

[Carol Leifer]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't put it in there.

[Carol Leifer]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to leave a fish in my radiator? It's absolutely right. The apple. And apple's almost like. I don't know. When there's a smell and it's not bad. There's something extra violating about that. Kind of a sweet. But it's getting worse.

[Carol Leifer]

Apple perfume.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I get that. Because he could be like, apple's a good smell.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to smell your apple.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Apple candle. Okay. Your apple. Your life is gross.

[Carol Leifer]

And also a power dynamic because if the head of the meeting. The head of the network picked up an apple and started to eat it, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Everybody'd be like, great, we're back to pirates booty.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The alpha eats first. I was just talking to my wife about this. I was like. I saw.

[Carol Leifer]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

I was a little bit stoned. This was last night. A little bit stone. And I. I don't. I don't know why I want to tell you. I don't smoke often, but I did, and I was telling her that, like, I think when men order for women. Which is agreed. I've never done it.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Douchey thing.

[Carol Leifer]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

But I was like, it's an out. It's an alpha dog thing. It's the Wolf. You're. You're a beta.

[Carol Leifer]

Ah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm the alpha.

[Carol Leifer]

And interesting. I push over the stick, but he's going to.

[Pete Holmes]

Going, I'm in charge.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But not so really on an animal level. I'm bigger than you. Let's just say in this case, I am bigger than you. So I am like the physical alpha threat person. Not only am I not a threat to your food, your Carol food, I'm an advocate for it. Watch, I'll get it for you. Like, that's what a big man I am, but it's claiming the. The ego hit.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm doing something kind in quotes.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. But not really. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. I'm using it as a way to look like the alpha. But it is like the. The nosing.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. That's so true.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why it feels so douchey.

[Carol Leifer]

Completely.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. That was good. You came up with that. A little stoned.

[Pete Holmes]

I was a barely. I took one hit, it hit me a little bit harder.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay. But that's a good one to have when you're a little bit stoned.

[Pete Holmes]

Just that observation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I get into that, like. Like the books. What was it called? It wasn't called Species Sapiens. Like, I'll have a sapien stone where I start zooming out and I'm like, the reason we like confetti.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is because it looks like applauding. It looks like thousands of people applauding.

[Carol Leifer]

Ah.

[Pete Holmes]

Stadium.

[Carol Leifer]

I never thought of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Flickering.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Confetti is like, what if it was this?

[Carol Leifer]

Ah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we like it. We're like, this looks like celebration.

[Carol Leifer]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it looks like thousands of people clapping. That was the kind of stoned I was last.

[Carol Leifer]

I see. But you see, I'm the type of person, I can't enjoy the celebration of confetti because all I think about is the poor person who comes out with the broom and the thing and has to clean it up because we had two seconds of enjoyment.

[Pete Holmes]

It's true.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But if you're gonna sweep something, should be confetti. Confetti. You kind of look like you're on top of a cake. Like, push broom in it.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or is it the saddest thing to sweep up because it's like, they had their fun.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. They had their fun. Now I have my misery.

[Pete Holmes]

You're cleaning up our fun.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a squiggly one. The kind of hasidic. Sometimes there's a hasidic confetti.

[Carol Leifer]

Hasidic is that Jewish people go to stores and go, I can't buy regular. So will you get you had. Do you have hasidic confetti? They call beforehand. I don't want to go down there. If you don't have acidic, I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Want the goy confetti going. Confetti is just the square, the acidic confetti. You know what I'm talking about. You pull the string on a potty, a body pop up. Every once in a while there's like a little curly cue.

[Carol Leifer]

Jews came up with that.

[Pete Holmes]

Jews love that.

[Carol Leifer]

We love it. They love it. We invented it. It's fine. We're not gonna have your regular confetti. No, not for us. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

You pull it on a Friday, it doesn't come out.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, not yet.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice try.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, it looks.

[Pete Holmes]

Looks for the sun. Not yet.

[Carol Leifer]

No Shabbat shalom yet. Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Saturday the sun goes out. It's by itself. Shoots out.

[Carol Leifer]

There you are.

[Pete Holmes]

There you are.

[Carol Leifer]

Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

Pardon the interruption, friends. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Mud Water. Mud Water is. I'm obsessed. It is a coffee alternative that is delicious with energy and natural and no crash. It's warm, delicious. It's got cacao chai and adaptogenic mushrooms that dial you in feeling focused and refreshed with just the right amount of energy without feeling jittery or wired. It's not just energy, it's an energy and a warm, grounded feeling. It's very earthy. It's not jacked. It's solid for when 3pm rolls around and you're losing energy but you don't want another cup of coffee that's going to keep you up all night and the jitters that come with it. And as I said, there's no dip. It just. Just eases you in and it eases you out. Mud water is 100% organic, gluten free and vegan coffee alternative that's so chock full of goodness, it's no wonder it makes you feel amazing. My energy is up, my sleep is improved and now that I'm getting more natural energy and drinking less coffee. Mushrooms and superfood to boost your energy. Cacao chai, just a hint of caffeine and a hot chocolate like flavor. Lion's man for focus, Cordyceps to promote natural energy in both Chaga and Rishu for a healthy immune system. So if you're ready to make the switch to cleaner energy, head tomud watermud wtr.com and grab your starter kit today right now weirdos get an exclusive deal up to 43 off your entire order, plus free shipping and a free rechargeable frother. When you use Code Weird, you'll be supporting the show and your morning ritual. That's right up to 43 off with code weird@m u d w t r.com after your purchase, tell them we sent you. Helps us out. Keep your energy natural and refreshing all year long with mud water. Because life's too short for anything less than clean, delicious energy. We're also brought to us by our friends at Modern Mammals. I always want my hair to look good. And for years and years, my secret was to not wash it. It's kind of a gross secret. Kat, my friend who cuts my hair, last time she cut it, she said running a comb through it is like running a comb through wet cement. Cement. It's like the grease trap at Arby's. It's disgusting. But I didn't want to wash it because whenever I did, it looked like tumbleweed. Looked dried and fried and frizzled and fluffy and unmanageable. And I had to coat it with all sorts of products and chemicals that I just didn't want to do. Enter Modern Mammals. The only shampoo that's like a non shampoo that somehow cleans your hair but leaves it perfect. It's like a perfect hair day in 15 seconds. It still has structure, but it has some of its natural moisture and. And it stays in place, has that flow, and looks incredible. Now when I want my hair to look perfect for a red carpet or a movie premiere or whatever it is, I wash it. It's the complete opposite. So now it's clean and it looks perfect. That is win win. Over 40,000 guys have switched to this instead of traditional shampoo. Once you go to Modern Mammals, you will be hooked for Life. I am Hooked for Life is a small punk rock company. I love these guys. They were fed up with shampoo and they made something better. They have the bars, which is like a ph balance. No plastic, no fragrance, no frills version to kind of clean your hair very lightly. Or the bottle, which is called Magic Mud, which is more like a traditional shampoo experience that gets in, rinses out and makes it look perfect in six seconds. Modernmammals.com weird. You can try both the bar and the bottle for 44 bucks. And those will last a very, very, very long time. Time. It's incredible how long they last. Modern mammals.com weird. All right, back to the show. Okay, Paul Reiser you're going back.

[Carol Leifer]

It's not a news flash. People know you.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I meant just taking you back to your story.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, we're going. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you'd like.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I will say, I can see why you've been in so many great writers rooms. What a joy. Oh, it's so fun.

[Carol Leifer]

I love writers Room.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, it's something about. It's fun to make you loud. It's like, really? You got a great energy.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Well, I love. That's why I love being in a writer's room. A lot of people like, why didn't you, you know, focus more on stand up? Well, I like stand up, but being in a writer's room. Yeah. And I loved your show. Crashing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thank you. Trying to think if I would consider that a fundraiser I was in. When it's not your show, the writers room is more fun.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, probably.

[Pete Holmes]

I wonder, did Seinfeld and LD seem to be having fun?

[Carol Leifer]

Seinfeld was a different kind of writer's room because you came in with ideas, you pitched them to Larry and Jerry. Hopefully they liked a couple. Or at least one where you could go back and work on it. If Larry David didn't like an idea. I'm telling you to see that face. And he'd move his thing. Nah.

[Pete Holmes]

Stretching.

[Carol Leifer]

He'd start moving his. His arm. Because of golf. He hurt something in his shoulder, and.

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel so bad. It would activate his tennis ball.

[Carol Leifer]

It would activate his. Because as opposed to that, if he liked an idea, you know, like, Elaine thinks there are skinny mirrors. He'd be like, yes, yes, I like that. That's great. The whole energy would change in the room.

[Pete Holmes]

Withholding father. I'm not saying he was doing that on purpose. You just hear those stories of Lauren. You hear those stories of.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

This story.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

One time. All these drug stories. But I was on mushrooms and I went like this. I went, mom thinks it's great. Dad's not impressed. This is how we learn to do our best. And that energy. Comedians love it.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Hurts when it's not good, huh? And it. It's amazing.

[Carol Leifer]

Joy. Yes. Instant joy.

[Pete Holmes]

And I actually have the chills right now because it's like. Like, it's like the movie Whiplash. The really mean guy. But it's like, we want a great song.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

All be. You know.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Phoniness.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It has to be. You're actually hurting my arm.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, Skinny man. I was my. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. We were at a nice hotel last night. It's the. It's the Ritz downtown.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Looking in the mirror.

[Carol Leifer]

Mirror.

[Pete Holmes]

Immediately I just go. I don't even know it. As a Seinfeld thing. I just go, five star mirror.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. You look amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

Amazing.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Amazing, right? If I could take this me, could.

[Pete Holmes]

I be this exactly. I want. It's like my after picture in glass.

[Carol Leifer]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

How do they do it?

[Carol Leifer]

I don't know. But much like the pirates booty people who have a lot of meetings, the mirror people are like, let's distort them so people are thinner and so they eat more.

[Pete Holmes]

You're at the pool now.

[Carol Leifer]

I didn't think of that. And now you're right. They're eating more in the restaurant.

[Pete Holmes]

The flourless chocolate cake. Because I look great.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then you go home to your regular mirror and you're like, oh.

[Carol Leifer]

And then you're sorry you ate so much.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoops.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, whoops. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess it's not the flour that makes cake. Fattening. It doesn't help. I'm so with you. In fact, I tried. I did cartoons for the New Yorker. Hold for applause. And one of them was. I didn't. I might have gotten this from Seinfeld unconsciously. It's a waiting room for a plastic surgeon's office.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's a guy installing a mirror and the back of his onesie. You know that work. Onesie. Yeah, Onesie coveralls.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Says unflattering mirror company. It's so bad. It's so bad.

[Carol Leifer]

I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I was going to. Yeah. I feel like if. Roz. Chaz. It would have been better. Like, because part of the medium is.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But anyway, the idea that at a plastic surgeon's office, they probably have unflattering.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Yeah. You see? So that was in the New Yorker.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it never.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, I never.

[Pete Holmes]

Rightly. I don't often agree with Bob Mankoff, but when I do, I just.

[Carol Leifer]

I submitted a cartoon recently.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. And it got a big Pasadena because.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know this? Are you ready?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't want one cartoon. They want 10 cartoons a week.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, they told me that they were like, you could have the best cartoon in the world.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You wouldn't buy it if you just sent in a cartoon. Even if you are care. Maybe if they're you. But that's.

[Carol Leifer]

That's not a good business thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the other fun thing. We're almost done. Everybody listening. They don't want New Yorker cartoon fun facts. But here's one for you.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

They have enough cartoons where they could not buy another cartoon and be in print for another 10.

[Carol Leifer]

Really? You've gotten all the New Yorker magazine cartoon intel.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you need? I'll tell you what. Florida is on Tuesdays. It's great.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have, so don't take it personally.

[Carol Leifer]

All right. I feel a little better. I had a friend, Liza Donnelly, cartoonist from the New Yorker, draw it for me, but I thought it would get in. It was old people walking by a cemetery and saying the caption was spoiler alert.

[Pete Holmes]

Carol, come on.

[Carol Leifer]

Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't tell you.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How many times I tried to make a cartoon where the caption was spoiler alert. Sometimes I'd reverse caption.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually think they should do that. Reverse caption content.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The caption is spoiler alert. What's the drawing?

[Carol Leifer]

Yes, Right there. You're just a fountain of ideas.

[Pete Holmes]

You are crusty up there counting their money and.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Moving their faces when they laugh. I'm just kidding. Thanks for all the love. I'm just saying. That's right there. Reverse caption content. You can take it. You don't have to say, presented by Pete Holmes. But spoiler alert is such a compelling punchline. I had one where it was a guy in bed. It's his deathbed, and his son is saying, don't give away the ending.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, that. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I was also.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes, I like that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's okay. It's similar kind of idea.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I was also obsessed with it, with a Don't give away the ending.

[Carol Leifer]

It's really good.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't give away the end.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And if I keep saying it to you. And then I was fat. I was obsessed with two captions. One was too soon. How could you make a cartoon where the caption was too soon?

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The closest I came was, there's a guy with an arrow in his head and there's a guy. It's like, clearly just happened. Because it has to be something that clearly just happened. He's saying to these other two people, they find the body and goes, talk about an arrowhead. Too soon. That's not funny. I want it to be just too soon. Just want too soon.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then the other one was, I had a lot of I believe in you jokes. Santa Claus is shooting a free throw. I believe in you.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, that's great.

[Pete Holmes]

By a single one. One.

[Carol Leifer]

I can't believe it.

[Pete Holmes]

But none of those. None of those.

[Carol Leifer]

Well, you know what? They're very pipe smoking. And we have a system that we use and we're not going to change it at all.

[Pete Holmes]

So when you submitted your wonderful cartoon, was it as Liz? Is that her name?

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Was it as Liz? Was it in her submissions?

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. That's the way to do it. So they really did just straight up.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. But here's the other thing, because as comedians, you know, we're all operators to a certain degree.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

I had submitted it 11 years ago and I said to Liza, maybe they'll have forgotten Carol.

[Pete Holmes]

I every comedian there. So the cartoonists at the New Yorker were not prepared for the arrogance, not even confidence, the arrogance of the average stand up comedian. They were all. And I love them, but they, they all had the demeanor of Todd Berry after no sleep for a month. Just like a very kind of diminished. I love Todd. I'm just saying these were like, oh.

[Carol Leifer]

So you were with these, Some of these people.

[Pete Holmes]

They were. Oh, they all go on Tuesdays and they all just kind of look right. They look like Shelley Levine and Glengarry Glen Ross. They were all just like, well, maybe.

[Carol Leifer]

They'Ll buy one this week.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, very like, yeah, downtrodden, downtrodden. And I would go in and I'd be like, if he doesn't buy a cartoon, you, you ever resubmitted? And they're like, oh, no, you don't do that. I resubmitted. I can tell you the ones I resubmitted. Oh, two angels in heaven with giant wings. And he looks kind of flat and he says, I miss back rubs. That's a great.

[Carol Leifer]

That is a great cartoon right there. Oh, my God. New Yorker.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on, come on. So I would resubmit it. Didn't even apologize. Here's another chance. Yeah, I should have put a post it note on it because I would see what was coming out and I'm like, this is better.

[Carol Leifer]

How, how much later than the original submission?

[Pete Holmes]

Never the next week, but like, you know, two, three weeks later. Yeah, there it is again.

[Carol Leifer]

All right, well, that's. Yeah, that's ballsy.

[Pete Holmes]

Two or three weeks later, also in a writer's room, you know what they called me?

[Carol Leifer]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

The re pitcher.

[Carol Leifer]

The re pitcher.

[Pete Holmes]

If they didn't take the joke, I would be like, guys, what is this? A BBBBQ is still on the table. You know what I mean?

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I just, I wouldn't change it about myself. I've calmed down, but as a young person in a writer's room. And now we're back to our Favorite topic. The dance of it. Like, you need to know when to take your lump and shut up.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The. The guy or the showrunner didn't take it, so be quiet.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I would get talkings too. People would be like, you need to chill the beans. And is that your experience? Like a good writer's room when it's humming.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Has a certain elegance to it. It.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. I think what I find most fascinating about the writers room is when you're all together and like I told you, I love being with other funny people. I'm like. I'm like with every funniest person from their high school, you know? That's so great. And then somebody will say an idea, a joke that's like half there. Somebody ping pongs it back a little better. And then somebody, the third person, they've got it like, you know, that synergy of back and forth, it's so fascinating to me and I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's greater than had we done it alone. Right. That's a dumb thing to say, but it's like we all made it a.

[Carol Leifer]

Little bit better and I see how. What's it with Mike Birbiglio? You were going over material. You make material so much better.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, thank you.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. So I want to get together with you and bring some jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're. Well, anytime.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay, great.

[Pete Holmes]

Anytime.

[Carol Leifer]

Right, Great.

[Pete Holmes]

I hate that we're only doing 90 minutes because it's double booking.

[Carol Leifer]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

So I will say anytime.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay, good.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you have a bit you're working on right now?

[Carol Leifer]

I do have a bit that I'm working on right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you don't have to do it now.

[Carol Leifer]

No, no, no, no. I wanted to do it. It's about, you know, because I'm gay, lesbian, and I don't want. No, I say lesbian. Yeah. We do get our own word.

[Pete Holmes]

Gay men are gay. Gay women are gay. Gay. But gay women are lesbians and then lesbians.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Carol Leifer]

Subaru was in charge of that. They wanted to make sure. Subaru, they said, we got to get that other word out there.

[Pete Holmes]

We need one that means gay women. Don't ask us why.

[Carol Leifer]

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, that was. Look how many meetings we've had today. Pirates, booty.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Carol Leifer]

Mirror meeting. That's lesbian meeting.

[Pete Holmes]

One of the easiest ways to comedy is who thought of this and why?

[Carol Leifer]

Yes. Who said, who thought of this?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, why are there two types of screwdrivers? I just want to talk about that. And some people don't want to talk about that.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. I didn't. I did not know that.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't?

[Carol Leifer]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not very lesbian.

[Carol Leifer]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Phillips head and flathead.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's the most American capitalist thing of all time. If you have a flathead screwdriver and it's a Phillips head screw, you can't use it, so you have to buy another one.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

You took a thing that's only one thing and made 12 things. That's. That's America.

[Carol Leifer]

That's not in the lipstick lesbian handbook.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, just the giant rings of keys. I guess we stop at giant rings. I'm getting that from some musical about lesbians.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about, dear Evan Hansen. No, no, no. It was the other one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We both know what I'm talking about. So keep going. So you're.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. So what's interesting to me about the lesbian relationship is that becomes a secret.

[Pete Holmes]

From the 30s when you start talking.

[Carol Leifer]

About your lesbian relationship. You know, we have a lot of jobs that are typically male, female. Okay. Like many times the bit that I want to do, as many times on a Saturday night, I am by the front door at 8pm already 20 minutes late for whatever engagement we need to be at. And then it's like, I don't know, screaming at, you know, screaming at the top of my lungs. Let's go.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yes.

[Carol Leifer]

You know, I feel like people, Men could relate to that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Carol Leifer]

What is she doing in there? Does she have.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, you're not saying in your relationship.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

There's there. You're feeling in a traditionally masculine position.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Of waiting for your partner to. To move it.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is funny cuz you are a woman.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And yet. But I'm like.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

How is this happening? I feel like when Sam J. Did this. She's a lesbian comedian who's very funny and she had a lot of really great stuff about like how she felt like she was the man.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And related to the men. So this is a good area. Yeah, I like this area.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay, good.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're supposed to know what's taking so long. Isn't the backbone of that that men don't understand hair extensions or something?

[Carol Leifer]

Well, understand. I thought after that it'd be like, what's she doing in there? Did she buy another face? You know what I mean? It's like it's makeup.

[Pete Holmes]

Not a whole nother face.

[Carol Leifer]

There's a whole nother face in there that she's working on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

So something like that. But I'm glad that you like the area because that is good. But I have another joke that I felt thought. Do you want to say more about the other face?

[Pete Holmes]

I would step it out and be like, guys, you should love lesbians. And not for the reason you already love lesbians. So that's a 45 minute applause.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's because we understand you're not crazy.

[Carol Leifer]

We understand.

[Pete Holmes]

We understand.

[Carol Leifer]

That's a good.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a woman.

[Carol Leifer]

Tee up.

[Pete Holmes]

I do what?

[Carol Leifer]

Right, right.

[Pete Holmes]

With a woman. She presumably does what women does. Why does it take four hours?

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to drive. Drive. Do you drive the car?

[Carol Leifer]

No, she does.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. She's having it both ways.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. But I'm outside. She is. But I'm the typical. Can I say typical woman or is that. Stop that.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's okay with waiting for.

[Carol Leifer]

Her to unlock the car with a million. Come on, let's go. Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

With the purse. With so many. There's tissues, Tic tacs.

[Carol Leifer]

It's everything.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't make certs anymore. How do you have no right.

[Carol Leifer]

If Monty hall was back and he stopped us and needed something from that purse, he would get it.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're waiting. I mean, I like this. The weird thing is I think we always want to laugh at that stuff. And you have a different license.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A guy complaining about it. It might seem a little bit weird, but it is a little bit softened by the lesbian.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay, guys. Right. You will understand this. That's a. That's a good tee up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Carol Leifer]

The other joke that I thought, oh, my God, is this a great joke? And it doesn't really get much. I'm. I already threw it out.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't wait.

[Carol Leifer]

Was. I love animals. And through the wildlife Federation, I recently adopted an elephant. And usually people applaud. And then I say because I couldn't have one natural.

[Pete Holmes]

See, it's very good. No, I just went right to thinking, Yeah, I wasn't. We've sw. We've switched gears. I think people are bumping on elephant. I think they don't believe you. You know what I mean?

[Carol Leifer]

Even with the applause, I think you.

[Pete Holmes]

Could just say, my partner and I adopted this. I think this is the first. My partner and I just adopted a greyhound because we couldn't have one naturally. It's the same joke.

[Carol Leifer]

But I write to a dog.

[Pete Holmes]

You say elephant. I'm too hung up on. Okay, is that real? Where does she keep it? What is she.

[Carol Leifer]

Did you see? What I'm trying to convey was through a federation where you know, it's out in Africa, but you pay for it to be taken care of.

[Pete Holmes]

I see.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, you missed that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I get. I think. I didn't care.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay. Yeah, no, no, I lost them there.

[Pete Holmes]

I just was like, it made me think. It made me go to. It's it something like that, or is she going to have it? What kind of a joke is this? My. My guess was I adopted an elephant because that's caring. And you went because we needed to have our piano reed. Like something mean.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? Like, I'm waiting for, like, I love animals.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. Because my memory is failing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. I needed to remember. There's all these different ways to do it. Right. I love animals, except they're delicious. Like, it's so.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's so many ways. I, I, I would say my wife and I just adopted a golden retriever because we couldn't have one Now.

[Carol Leifer]

I like that. Okay, I'm going to try that.

[Pete Holmes]

We were going to do artificial insemination. Like, it gets really weird.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. But, you know, which one of us would it be? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a joke, too. You're reminding me of another. I was like, my wife and I, this is what my first wife, we moved to Park Slope because we're lesbians. And then I said, she's pregnant. We think it's a golden retriever. So that. I think these are New York where lesbian live jokes.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it worked.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, look at that.

[Pete Holmes]

You're making me think of. Well, a good joke will make you think of other times you've tried.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes, we're very similar.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, we're trying for.

[Carol Leifer]

Right, right.

[Pete Holmes]

We're trying for lesbian adopting jokes. Trying to think, like, okay, what about something like this? It's like, my partner and I adopted a golden retriever because we can't have one naturally.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We are a little worried when he comes of age that he'll look for his birth parents.

[Carol Leifer]

I like that he'll look for his birth dogs. His birth dog.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. What I like about that is that's the kind of tag that you're actually still laughing at. The first punchline just gives you another chance to catch up.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, oh, she's. She's making it like adopting. I'm a dog mom, which isn't like a mom at all, because I could kill my dog and no one would kill. No, I'm just saying there are ways. There's something about being a dog mom.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. Dog mom.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's like, it's not quite the same.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? If I had a baby and just put out a bowl of dry crackers twice a day, people would call protective services.

[Carol Leifer]

There's something there. And again, dog, mom. Two words that don't go together.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Carol Leifer]

Not like chocolate and peanut butter, which go together.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my favorite.

[Carol Leifer]

Me, too.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, my God, Pete, we have so much in common. It's a phenomenon.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't handle it. I can't. You know those protein candies? It doesn't matter. Quest. This brand.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They make these chocolate peanut butter cups. It tastes exactly like Reese's piece.

[Carol Leifer]

It does.

[Pete Holmes]

Even an ad.

[Carol Leifer]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

We should edit this out. They're doing fine. They should. Do they just send me money randomly? I'm just giving them a plug.

[Carol Leifer]

I'm so surprised because they always say it tastes like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Carol Leifer]

And it doesn't.

[Pete Holmes]

So, Valerie, my brilliant wife, who you'll meet when you come over for a joke session.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

She. We're eating it and we're like, it's perfect. And she goes, it's because Reese's peanut butter cups already taste chemically. There's already. There's already something a little off about interesting that we don't even notice anymore. But then you eat something that's trying to taste like one and it's a little off. It's off in the right way.

[Carol Leifer]

That's very good. You married a very interesting thinking person.

[Pete Holmes]

She's brilliant. And she puts up with me when I'm like, confetti is like. Applause. Like, shut up.

[Carol Leifer]

I've always thought that about spouses, partners of comedians. Like, if somebody asked me, what do you like best about your wife? I would say, say, she puts up with me.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't handle that enough.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And my love language is the benefit of the doubt. And that's what Val does. I'll say something. I'll be like, I'll say something horrible.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she'll go, he's. He's just wants love.

[Carol Leifer]

He pets you. Yes. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He. He's trying to connect.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She'll say that he's trying to connect like I'm some Transylvanian.

[Carol Leifer]

That's so perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Just trying to connect. It's true. Well, tell us a little bit about the book in our final.

[Carol Leifer]

Okay. Do you have my book? I should. I should have brought it from my car. I like to hold it up.

[Pete Holmes]

I like. But did you read it?

[Carol Leifer]

I wrote it.

[Pete Holmes]

But did you audiobook it?

[Carol Leifer]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You got Audiobook.

[Carol Leifer]

I know we haven't had a company yet.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw real shame in your face.

[Carol Leifer]

Well, I'm, you know, I'm mad about it, so. The shame.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm mad.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just mean you're so funny. I. I'd love to hear you.

[Carol Leifer]

I would like to read it too. It's called how to write a Funny speech for a Wedding, Bar Mitzvah graduation and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead. That. There was a.

[Carol Leifer]

Come on, come on.

[Pete Holmes]

There was a chasm the size of one book.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And you filled it.

[Carol Leifer]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Who better than you? Well, is it out? It's out.

[Carol Leifer]

It's out. I wrote it. Yes. It's number. No, no, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it a bestseller?

[Carol Leifer]

It's number one on Amazon in public speaking.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good.

[Carol Leifer]

Come on, come on. Yeah. I wrote it with Rick Mitchell. Do you know him? He's another comedian. Great. I will. I feel bad.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to know.

[Carol Leifer]

I will. He's great. And you know, we were tired of going to events and people bombing and making an event horrible. And as you know. No, it's steps.

[Pete Holmes]

It's steps.

[Carol Leifer]

A stand up set is a speech every night.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. It's a. Nate Bargetzi says it's a mean speech.

[Carol Leifer]

There you go, a mean speech.

[Pete Holmes]

I am so with you. I have bits that I've given people. I'm like, do this as your best man bit.

[Carol Leifer]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It works, See? Do it. Why are we reinventing the wheel every time?

[Carol Leifer]

No, we. In the back we have. We call it jokes to steal. For every event we have lists of jokes that people are more than free to take.

[Pete Holmes]

Jokes to steal. Yes, brilliant. Can I. I'm sure you get this all the time. I saw my friend Tom got married and his brother is a cop and I was like nervous for him. He's the best man giving. Not because he's a cop, but. Yeah, because he's kind of a quieter guy. Funny guy. Never saw him public speak. He went up and murdered. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget it. And he did this story and everyone. He built the tension. He was like, I'll never forget when Tom met. I won't say their real names, but he was like his wife. You know when I knew it was serious is he called me and he goes, tim. He was going slower than this.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, Tim.

[Pete Holmes]

I need you to run a background check. And it merged. It was killer. And I was like, when someone's sleeper good at.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, My God. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And just doesn't have the compulsion.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. Like what? Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You could be doing this.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, But.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that. What a great idea for a book. Say the title again.

[Carol Leifer]

How to Write a Funny Speech for a Wedding, Bar mitzvah, graduation, and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place.

[Pete Holmes]

Unbelievable.

[Carol Leifer]

Pick it up. And. Yeah, and it's also very handy. It's short, it's sweet. It just. It's not a tome, you know, that you have to carry out on a dolly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. You don't wheel it around like Hannibal Lecter. It's a little book. Reminds me, Jeff Tweedy has a book called how to Write One Song.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Genre.

[Carol Leifer]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Just this.

[Carol Leifer]

And that is a great idea, too.

[Pete Holmes]

It is a great idea. What's a bad idea is your book being a chapter in a book about jokes.

[Carol Leifer]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, people need help.

[Carol Leifer]

They need help, and you're a great person to help them from experienced people. That's what they need.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we have four minutes. Meaning of life.

[Carol Leifer]

Meaning of life.

[Pete Holmes]

Anything. Do you have any big picture feeling?

[Carol Leifer]

Big picture feeling?

[Pete Holmes]

God. No. God energy.

[Carol Leifer]

I know that you talk about this in your special.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't worry about it. But I. But it's not in.

[Carol Leifer]

No. I don't believe there is an Almighty watching down on us. I mean, I do spiritually, because I'm Jewish, if you couldn't tell. You know, we were talking about Hasidic confetti.

[Pete Holmes]

When Hasidic confetti came out of my mouth, I was like, if she doesn't. Yes. And this.

[Carol Leifer]

If I can't roll with that.

[Pete Holmes]

If she doesn't. Yes. And there's some Yiddish way of saying hashem. If she doesn't. Yes. Hashem.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah. If I don't. By this. Men saying. Yeah. Hasidic confetti. Something. Something. There's mishigas going here, and something is very wrong. I, you know, Jewish in the sense of. I like the community of Judaism and the tradition and all that. It's a link to my family because, you know, they were Jewish and it was important to them. But I don't think they're. There's anybody supreme up there other than Diana Ross.

[Pete Holmes]

Am I right?

[Carol Leifer]

Am I right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Carol Leifer]

Am I right, people?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I couldn't agree more. For what it's worth, this is a micro version. People tell me their beliefs, and then I tell them. Ideally, I like to tell them how.

[Carol Leifer]

I think I would like to hear it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, if there's a God somewhere Else. Something. Something else somewhere else. Watching.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Your. Your issue with that. I. I have that exact same issue. We all believe that God is infinite. That's like one of the defining characteristics. But we also say it ends here. It ends here.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm somehow perimetered.

[Carol Leifer]

Right, Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Block that.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I have to achieve that. Somehow I have to win it over. It's watching and grading. But it's like. But we just said it was infinite. But we have a. We have a hard time with that.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But I would. I would say in our last two minutes that the God of the Old Testament. I am. That I am. God is amnes. So it's like. The great metaphor is God is like the screen, and we're the movie. And the screen to the things in the movie does not exist.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not there. You can't find it. So if your character's in the movie going, there's no screen. You're right. Relatively speaking. But this is another Old Testament. Actually, it's New Testament. But the ground of all being is another term for God. The ground, like the screen, that on which that out of which that all of your thoughts emerge and into which they all recede is consciousness, is the God of the Old Testament.

[Carol Leifer]

That's very good. I like that.

[Pete Holmes]

So you could say, technically speaking, God does not exist. It does not stand out from itself.

[Carol Leifer]

Right, Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Also, neither do we, because we are sustained and animated by this one being that we share and to which we return when really you were never of a part apart from it.

[Carol Leifer]

That's true. That's very. The other feeling I have about God. That people who feel like God is everywhere and always with you. He's very busy. You know what I mean? He doesn't have time to think about you, you know, in the hazard lane of the 405 because you have a flat D. I'm with you.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't pray for parking spots. And I actually. It gets a little callous and cold. And I wish we had more time.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But perfect oneness can't even really know about. About Carol as a subject. Except as Carol. It gets weird. The infinite knows about you and me as you and me.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But in its own knowing of itself, it's all it knows. It only knows its completion.

[Carol Leifer]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's infinite, timeless, perfect. So it isn't really in the same way that a screen isn't involved in the movie, but is also its sustenance. And there is a loving acceptance of everything in the movie.

[Carol Leifer]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's not going. The screen does not go. I will now help Brad Pitt find a car.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or a parking spot. But that's where non duality gets a little bit high and a little bit shaky. At least for me. It took a long time to get comfortable with the idea because there is a comfort in the God over there somewhere else, something else. Watching you and helping you. And that is one of the things you have to drop, I think, to know the God that Moses met. I made it Jewish.

[Carol Leifer]

Ah, I like that, you see, because you're a host and I'm the guest. You did that?

[Pete Holmes]

I did that.

[Carol Leifer]

You did.

[Pete Holmes]

I would have done that either, even if it wasn't. Oh, and he says, take your sandals off. Which is the most Jewish God. Take your sandals off. Holy ground. Take them off. You've been. You've literally been wandering in the desert. Take your sandals.

[Carol Leifer]

I do a bit about how, you know, they say Jesus was Jewish. You know, of course, you know, I don't buy it for a few reasons, but of course, you know, my. An Estelle would be like. He shortened it. It was originally, you know, Christowitz and they Anglicized it and they made it shorter.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they did.

[Carol Leifer]

He. He's not a carpenter. He's out in the field. He runs the construction company.

[Pete Holmes]

He supervises. Oh, my God. Trying to think of Christ construction jokes. Carol, please come back on the show.

[Carol Leifer]

I would love to.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Because we need. This would have been a three hour episode.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, my God. Easy, easy. But I talk to you. Are you kidding?

[Pete Holmes]

Guest. How to write a funny speech.

[Carol Leifer]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

A long swallow.

[Carol Leifer]

It's a very just. How to write a funny speech. They'll find it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry. How to write a funny speech.

[Carol Leifer]

Yeah, yeah. Not by Dale Carnegie.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't need Dale in this. And we have the guest say the catchphrase, which is keep it crispy. Would you please?

[Carol Leifer]

Okay, which camera should I choose?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I point there because that's where it says it. But.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, you.

[Pete Holmes]

That is your camera right there. The one on the right.

[Carol Leifer]

Right. Okay, people, if you. You gotta listen to me like you've never listened to me before because it's important. What you've got to do is keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

See? How to write a funny speech. You build tension. Yeah, it's not funny to just say it.

[Carol Leifer]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

You build tension.

[Carol Leifer]

You gotta. Yeah, it's an important concept. You gotta tee it up a little bit. Give it its due.

[Pete Holmes]

People don't know.

[Carol Leifer]

They don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't know now. They do. What a delight you are. Thank you for being.

[Carol Leifer]

Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

[Pete Holmes]

We're done.

[Carol Leifer]

So much fun.