Dana Gould Returns

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Dana Gould Returns" on You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Release Date: April 9, 2025

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Introduction and Background

In this episode of You Made It Weird, host Pete Holmes welcomes back the esteemed comedian and writer Dana Gould. Dana introduces himself with his characteristic humor, highlighting his extensive writing credentials, including contributions to The Simpsons. He also promotes his new stand-up special, "Perfectly Normal," available for free on YouTube, emphasizing its accessibility to all listeners.

Dana Gould [00:15]: “He’s also just a fantastic standup comedian. He has a new special that is out now on YouTube for free. Like. Like the old guy that thinks it’s a…”

Dana Gould's Career and The Simpsons

Dana delves into his early career, discussing his start in comedy at the age of 17 and his pivotal role in writing for The Simpsons. He shares an anecdote about his initial reluctance to commit fully to the show due to touring obligations, reflecting on past decisions with a mix of humor and regret.

Dana Gould [07:45]: “An orgasm of ignorance.”

Dana recounts how Mike Scully, then the showrunner of The Simpsons, unexpectedly offered him a permanent position, leading Dana to reconsider his commitments and ultimately embrace a more stable role in television writing.

Dana Gould [08:58]: “But he said, all right, I’ll call your agent. And then he just looked and went, sucker.”

Comedy Craft and Originality

The conversation shifts to the essence of comedy, with Dana emphasizing the importance of originality and the pitfalls of joke theft. Both hosts agree that authentic comedic expression cannot be replicated merely through imitation.

Pete Holmes [11:25]: “That's what Steve Martin said, like, your act should be unstealable.”

Dana Gould [11:50]: “I could not do Kevin Meaney's eye.”

Dana praises performers like George Carlin for their ability to convey profound messages with simplicity, illustrating his own comedic style's alignment with such legends.

Dana Gould [12:33]: “Here’s my math. George Carlin's text and Albert Brooks's delivery.”

Personal Relationships and Life Changes

Dana opens up about his personal life, discussing his marriages and the evolution of his relationships. He shares insights into his second marriage, highlighting the deep friendship and mutual support between him and his wife.

Dana Gould [33:00]: “I married my dad and then I married my mom.”

Pete Holmes [33:35]: “Oh, that's great.”

The episode also touches on Dana's divorce in 2013, exploring the emotional complexities and growth that followed.

Dana Gould [34:55]: “But it was just like, how can you not communicate with somebody that you were so intimate with?”

Coping with Loss and Grief

A poignant moment arises as Dana discusses the passing of his mother. He shares his initial numbness and the subsequent emotional challenges he faced, providing a heartfelt look into his process of coping with loss.

Dana Gould [67:22]: “And I have three daughters and a wife.”

He reflects on the difficulty of processing such a profound loss, intertwining humor with vulnerability to illustrate his journey through grief.

Dana Gould [68:40]: “I'm mad at her. You're right. You're absolutely right.”

Show Business Anecdotes

Dana recounts his experiences in the entertainment industry, sharing humorous and insightful stories about working with legendary figures like Jim Henson, Mel Brooks, and Robin Williams. He highlights the camaraderie and creative dynamics that define collaborative environments in comedy and television.

Dana Gould [81:06]: “I worked with him for a couple weeks.”

Pete Holmes [81:38]: “That's beautiful.”

He also narrates a memorable encounter involving Bob Dylan, blending his storytelling prowess with sharp comedic timing.

Dana Gould [54:23]: “This is how it is, if you told people, you’re gonna have a thing in your pocket about the size of a deck of cards…”

Societal Views on Capitalism and Social Media

The discussion takes a more analytical turn as Dana and Pete explore the pervasive influence of capitalism, characterizing it as a "state religion" that shapes societal values and behaviors. They critique the commodification of various aspects of life and the resultant social issues such as misogyny and racism.

Dana Gould [22:36]: “What if you stood back and said...”

Dana articulates how capitalist values prioritize profit over equitable solutions, drawing parallels with everyday examples like traffic systems and healthcare.

Dana Gould [24:10]: “But a capitalist would say, well, the red light stops us from making money during those two minutes.”

The hosts discuss the detrimental effects of social media algorithms that prioritize engagement through sensationalism, contributing to societal polarization and the spread of misinformation.

Dana Gould [66:31]: “It's just the wickedness of social media. It's like there's no money in showing people a diverse.”

Personal Reflections and Philosophies

Throughout the episode, Dana shares his philosophies on life, comedy, and personal growth. He emphasizes the balance between striving for improvement and acknowledging human imperfection, advocating for kindness and authenticity in both personal and professional realms.

Dana Gould [20:51]: “It's impossible. Yeah. It's impossible to… To walk through life and not leave your house.”

He reflects on the importance of genuine connections and the role of comedy in alleviating stress and fostering joy.

Dana Gould [99:18]: “When I can go like, wait, I think this is the kind of knot that comedy could untie.”

Conclusion

As the episode wraps up, Pete and Dana exchange heartfelt sentiments, celebrating their friendship and mutual respect. Dana thanks Pete for having him back on the show, while Pete commends Dana’s special, "Perfectly Normal," reinforcing the episode's blend of humor, introspection, and insightful dialogue.

Pete Holmes [99:17]: “And I always like to give this on YouTube compliment. It's on YouTube. When it’s true is I put it on to research. But the truth is I was driving and I had a very stressful morning and it was just, you know, I'm solo parenting.”

Dana Gould [104:30]: “Thanks for having me on, man.”

The episode concludes with a playful exchange, embodying the warmth and camaraderie that characterizes You Made It Weird.

Dana Gould [104:37]: “Keep it crispy.”

Pete Holmes [104:37]: “Thank you, my friend.”

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Dana Gould [07:45]: “An orgasm of ignorance.”

• Dana Gould [11:50]: “I could not do Kevin Meaney's eye.”

• Dana Gould [22:36]: “What if you stood back and said...”

• Dana Gould [24:10]: “But a capitalist would say, well, the red light stops us from making money during those two minutes.”

• Dana Gould [66:31]: “It's just the wickedness of social media. It's like there's no money in showing people a diverse.”

• Dana Gould [20:51]: “It's impossible. Yeah. It's impossible to… To walk through life and not leave your house.”

• Dana Gould [99:18]: “When I can go like, wait, I think this is the kind of knot that comedy could untie.”

These highlights encapsulate the depth and humor Dana brings to his discussions, offering listeners both laughs and thoughtful reflections.

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Final Thoughts

In "Dana Gould Returns," Pete Holmes and Dana Gould navigate a wide array of topics, from the intricacies of comedy writing and personal life experiences to broader societal critiques. The episode masterfully blends humor with vulnerability, providing listeners with an engaging and insightful conversation. Dana's candidness about his struggles and triumphs, coupled with Pete's thoughtful inquiries, creates a rich tapestry that both entertains and enlightens.

For those who haven’t listened to the episode, this summary offers a comprehensive glimpse into the meaningful and humorous exchanges that define Dana Gould’s return to You Made It Weird. Whether you're interested in comedy, personal growth, or societal issues, this episode promises a memorable and thought-provoking experience.

Transcript

[A]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[B]

What's happening, weirdos? This is the incomparable, the wonderful, the always delightful, the always hilarious Dana Gould, who has written for everything that you love, including the Simpsons, but he's also just a fantastic standup comedian. He has a new special that is out now on YouTube for free. Like. Like the old guy that thinks it's a. You have to mention that it's free. You can just go to YouTube.com and type in Dana Gould. Just type in Dana Gould and you'll see. Perfectly Normal is the name of his new special. It's fantastic. We talk a little bit about it and I'd like to play a clip. Here's a little taste from Perfectly Normal.

[A]

And when you go into, like, CVS or Walgreens, when they start to decorate for Halloween, they always lead with the big three monsters. Dracula, Frankenstein, and Older Woman. She doesn't even have to be in a witch's hat. It doesn't need it. Older Woman, can your heart stand the shocking facts of what time and gravity do to the female face? And the horror you'll feel when they leave the house? The big three. Dracula, Frankenstein, and Nana.

[B]

All right, everybody, I'm so glad you're here to laugh and enjoy the wonderful Dana Gould. I'm so glad. I'm so glad. I'm so glad I'm also on tour. That's why I paused there. I forgot to mention that I'm on Tour. Go to peteholmes.com we had to reschedule a couple dates because of a thing. We're rescheduling New Jersey, but Austin is happening on April 19th and we're rescheduling St. Louis, but we are going to reschedule that. Forgive me. Forgive me. Toronto is happening. Los Angeles, Nashville, Irvine, San Jose, Houston, Royal Oak, Michigan, Washington, D.C. and Boston, Massachusetts. I believe we're adding a second show for Boston, which is obviously so, so, so touching and amazing. It's called the PG13 Tour. It's a little bit naughty, but not too filthy. That's what I like to say. It's, you know, it's not bargazi, but it's not, you know, real hard. It's mostly clean, but a little bit. A little. A little wicked. You'll enjoy it. It's what I mostly do. You get it. Just, you know, come out. Petehomes.com get there, get there. All right. In the meantime, enjoy the wonderful Dana Gould. Get into it.

[A]

We had those step stools for our kids.

[B]

Everyone has those.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not saying you're a hack.

[A]

Well, this was. My kids are in college now. They don't need them.

[B]

You may. They do. They need them for puking.

[A]

Yeah, they do. My one daughter does, for sure. I did go to see my oldest daughter at her apartment in Berkeley.

[B]

Here. Let the people hear your. This. This sort of chitchat, you know, Honey.

[A]

In her apartment. She lives in Berkeley. And I'm like, you know, honey, there was a time when you'd hide your bongs, when your dad would come over.

[B]

So. Oh, wow. I think about this. I think about what my daughter will be like. Because there's this line in the movie Veep where George W. Bush is introduced. He's at a party, and he's, like, stumbling around. I think it's implying he's heavily coked up and drunk.

[A]

Highly in character.

[B]

So, yeah, Sam Rockwell did a good impression. And someone goes, too much unconditional love on that one. And I'm always like, oh, no. Oh, no. Cause my daughter and I are so. We're buddies.

[A]

Sure. Yeah.

[B]

There isn't a part of you that goes like, cool. She doesn't hide her bongs from you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't. That's a leading question.

[A]

No. I also just think that they are of a generation where it's not a thing. It's not a thing. Yeah. And. But my. You know, my goal in life, and I've succeeded in it, is my children are not afraid of.

[B]

I knew you were gonna say that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because we're from Boston.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Like, maybe that's not. Maybe that's everywhere, but.

[A]

No, it's. It's true. Like, my. You know, my. My dad would come home and we'd scatter.

[B]

That's right. You know, so my daughter. I've wanted to do a bit about it. I loved your set at Largo. I loved your special. You're such a. I want to give you a very. Don't let me forget what we're talking about.

[A]

Has been.

[B]

Where has been. I unconsciously included myself, and I didn't like it. We are. Has been.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

What I want to say is you're a. Has been.

[A]

Take that for me.

[B]

You have the title. No. Well, firstly, I want to say you're a fantastic performer. I think it's always like, dana Gould, comedy writer.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Get out of here. You're very good at using your voice, your face, and your body. Yeah. And I want you to know. And you know that, but, like, let's get that out of here.

[A]

Yeah. It's my. The false modesty aside, the reason I. The reason I do it is because when I'm done, I feel like that's. They saw a good example of this discipline, like, you know, it's like, it's you. I like to do something I know I'm good at.

[B]

Yeah, there you go.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Oh, you mean as a stand up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I thought you were saying the reason I label myself a comedy.

[A]

No, the reason. No, the reason I do stand up is like, I get. That's like. Because I'm not. I'm not.

[B]

No, it's blue check mark. When that meant something. I mean, like, I'm giving you. You don't need it for.

[A]

But I still, like, you know, I don't. I never. Because. Because the. I started so early in my career. I started at 17.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Chappelle had three specials. By the time Chappelle writes off your horse.

[A]

Chappelle writes a new 20 minutes every 15 minutes.

[B]

I had a burn where I said, chappelle's next special will be a long voice memo he sent a friend. It's just because he puts out so much drag there. No drag.

[A]

We have the same birthday.

[B]

You and Chappelle.

[A]

Me, Chappelle and Dave Keckner.

[B]

No, Any one of these things. I'm just kidding. What if I just burned Keckner? I love him. I love him. I just worked with him. He's delicious. Hilarious.

[A]

He's a force of nature.

[B]

He's a force of nature. I just wanted to say one of.

[A]

These things is like. Which is true.

[B]

Like a real turd.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe I'll just leave it vague.

[A]

Leave it in. Yeah. Well, turn. You could be. Could.

[B]

One of them is a company.

[A]

Dave, obviously. Yeah.

[B]

For David. Dave.

[A]

Yeah. Two marshmallows and a Milk Dud.

[B]

Too much. Well, can I. Yes, I think you can. The old standard.

[A]

But you know that right when I was. Because I started so young that, you know, I. Right when I was good, like, was cresting.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I was kind of sick of it already, because I done it. I started in 1982.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And around 1999, you know, I had a bunch of stuff, you know, and I had just gotten. I was just about to get married and bought a house, and I got an offer to write on the Simpsons and it was like, well, I'm an idiot to not take this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was so arrogant when I was First, I was first offered to come in a day a week to just punch up jokes. Just like, be a punch up guy for a day a week consultant.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I remember going, well, I could only do it Tuesdays. Mondays or Tuesdays. Otherwise I can't do it because I have to go on the road. Like, okay, Tuesdays, you know, look, I look back and I just should blow my brains out.

[B]

Yes. And then what would you have done now? You'd go, I'll just be in the room. Would you have just said, I'll just be in the room, or would you stick to the one day?

[A]

No, I would have. If they said, we can only do Fridays, I can't do it. And what I would look back on now is an orgasm of ignorance.

[B]

Yeah, but if they had offered it to you, knowing what you know now, would you have just said, just put me in the room?

[A]

Yeah, I was just doing.

[B]

Yeah, whatever you want.

[A]

Well, because what happened was then I was consulting. Then I, you know, I got married and everything, and Mike Scully was running the show. One day I was sitting there and he came in and he said, I think your contract is up. And I was gathering my stuff to leave, like, oh, I'm so sorry. And he just said, you want to just come every day? And I said, yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And he said, all right, I'll call your agent. And then he just looked and went, sucker.

[B]

And I have to imagine, with respect and a little bit of it myself, the autism in that office, I have to imagine there's a lot of, like, your contract is up. Want to just stay.

[A]

No, Scully is the opposite. Scully is the most human.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Human. Dude.

[B]

There's very, very funny.

[A]

There's a. No, there's a lot of. There's. There is a lot of that. And there's a lot of Harvard. Yeah. In that room. But no, Scully is the opposite. In fact, like, Mike took his Simpsons, some of his Simpsons money and made a documentary about nrbq. If you're even familiar with nrbq, There are the extra New England. No, New Rhythm and Blues Quartet. There's like a bar band in Massachusetts in the. Like this in the. From the 60s to the early. Early aughts. And they were like the. The. The. The world's most famous bar band. And like, no, Mike is. He's all about humanity.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And. And.

[B]

But go ahead.

[A]

So I was just gonna say I'd walk into a volcano for that guy. And. And. And that's how it went. So. But I. What. What happened was I took just The Comedians of Comedy thing kind of started.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I took myself out of it because I had a day job.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And that kind of went ahead. And so when I left after, like, you know, 10 years, I had to kind of play catch up, so I. I kind of missed the train to become a bigger name than I am.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But it doesn't matter. I mean, it doesn't. It matters financially, but it doesn't matter to me. As long as I like the show, I don't care.

[B]

Yeah, I understand. So you. I. I thank you for that refresher because you did do the POD before, and some of that was familiar, but it was so long ago.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And really what I'm talking about is how good you are.

[A]

Oh, thanks.

[B]

And it. There really is like a. This is an old man thing to say, but, like, I just really salute the craft when I see it.

[A]

Oh, thanks.

[B]

And. And that's what the special is. It's airtight. I think you know that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

No, but it's fat on it.

[A]

No, there's not. And. And. But because I'm just like, who. When you were a kid, who was. Who was the comedian that you were just like, I want to do that.

[B]

Steve Martin.

[A]

That's what I. That. That track. Yeah. Because you guys have a similar goof. Yeah. And it's like, I. It's like, if I was to tell somebody about you, it's like it was like you or Kevin Meaney is another example. Like, you got to see them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You got to see it. You get to experience it.

[B]

That's nice. That's really nice.

[A]

Yeah. And like, what Steve Martin said, like, you're. You're. You're. Your act should be unstealable.

[B]

That's. I completely agree.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was just talking to somebody about that, where I was like, I have so many jokes that are. And it's not just me. Comics sometimes write jokes like this, where if you're not, like, pushing the boulder, it's not funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have to, like, get behind it and you have to get worked up. And that itself is the joke. And if someone else did it, it would be like, what is this?

[A]

Yeah. Like, I could not do Kevin Meaney's eye.

[B]

Exactly. January, February, March, April.

[A]

I have a weird thing about. I have the weird story about Kevin Meadows, but the thing.

[B]

I was just gonna say, you are. Because I do.

[A]

When I was coming up, I was Carlin. I was all about Carlin. And you can see that in my act.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's. It's Very like literal and.

[B]

But what I like about this is not dragging Carlin. I keep saying dragging. Like I'm trying to be cool. I'm just saying I'm not putting.

[A]

Let's collab on dragging.

[B]

Let's sesh. I love Carlin, obviously, but when I watch you, I put you in this category of the ranting guy. I don't mean that.

[A]

No, no, no, it's fine putting it. Yeah.

[B]

I just mean I think it's harder to do than it looks. A lot of the ranting and it's not even quite right. But the sort of. And even saying you're not criminal.

[A]

Here's my, here's my. Here's my math. George Carlin's text and Albert Brooks's delivery.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When he did stand up. Yeah, that's my act.

[B]

That's. There you go. Well, that exactly articulates what I'm talking about. Sometimes people are just like fucking shit. And I'm just like. I'm in the back going like, where's this. What I hear your screwdriver turns until the wood starts to creak.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's so tight, it's like it almost splits the wood.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I love it. And it never drags. It drags again. But there's no waiting for the good part.

[A]

No, I. I remember seeing Elvis Costello in 1986 at the Beacon Theater. Oh, wow. In Boston. And he walked out, played, opened with I Don't Want to Go to Chelsea, played 19 other songs.

[B]

And just left.

[A]

Put a guitar on the left. I was like, that's. That's how you do that.

[B]

Well, as someone.

[A]

It was like a flurry of punches.

[B]

I struggle with self indulgence. It's a weird.

[A]

Well, yeah, I'm just terrified of the silence. That's why I. Yeah.

[B]

But when I. A guy like me watches a guy like you and I go, oh, you've distilled something down to the essence. Like, you'll find a way. Especially if I want to talk about my family or something. It'll go in all these weird directions and you'll just be like, no, just this. One of my, my brothers is a bully and he beat me up more than my parents did. And he's self entitled and he's a prick. Guess which one of my brothers became a cop? And I'm just like, wow. I know. I just kind of ruined it. Like you found a way to be as revealing as a guy like me is trying to be. Like me and Birbiglia say if you're not telling secrets. Who cares? So you're still telling the secret. You're still doing it. You're just doing it in about five seconds. So you're not even giving the audience a chance to be fatigued at an artist being like, and then my mother. You're not doing that at all. You're really tricking them into liking something that almost would be a one man show if it wasn't so funny.

[A]

Well, yeah. And I did the one man. I did the one man show. I, I, I did that in the early 90s.

[B]

As good as Gould.

[A]

Dana Gold. All that's missing is you. No, no. It was called Insomnia and I, I was the first one man show with the Just for Laughs. That was the first one. You made it up so fast. Oh, no, that's old. That's all. You found it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You found it on the floor in your little shed.

[A]

It was called Missing is you.

[C]

You.

[A]

It was. I was, I was the first one man show at the Just for Last festival.

[B]

Oh, no. And do you think you're why it ended?

[A]

I'm the one that put him out of business.

[B]

I think it came back.

[A]

They went out of business because of a scam.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. They got scammed for like $400,000.

[B]

What?

[A]

Literally, like, somebody sent them like, you owe us $400,000. And like somebody not high up in the organization paid this scam bill. Yes. It's the most. I was like, of course it happened. Wow. Yep.

[B]

My bit on it is how can, how can something that's just for laughs go out of business? Anyway, watching you, it was so, it was so phenomenal. I also, I actually, I, I had listened to your act at Largo and then I listened to your hour. I like to do it right before I see you do it this morning.

[A]

Yeah. My apologies.

[B]

No, I was cackling at, you know, you'll do in like thoughtful family stuff, but then he'll also just throw us a great Bill Cosby. And I didn't know I wanted it so badly. I don't want you. It's not morning radio. But you found a way. Meaning you don't have to do the bit. But you found. And then a Michael Jackson joke right after. She's like. And then the through line. Anyway.

[A]

But you know who's. You know what? You know what that is? From what like you talk about the. Do I do an impression of Bill Cosby? You will just do it.

[B]

I'm going to do it. You're not going to do it. But I'm saying they let him out of.

[A]

Oh, Sue.

[B]

A frizzle Sewer frizzle. I think they were worried he was going to commit suicrizzle.

[A]

Right. Zuzafrizzle.

[B]

This is an open shut case of sizzle frizzle.

[A]

The cops get there, and he's the greatest joke.

[B]

Well, this is clearly sizzle frizzle.

[A]

This is a clear cut case of prison sousafrazzle. So dark. Oh, yeah. The best one is Bobcat Goldthwaite as a joke is like, you know, Cosby's first day in prison, they serve jello at lunch. You know, the guys are in the kitchen going, guys, we gotta do it.

[B]

What? That.

[A]

Well, you're better like the guys in the kitchen.

[B]

We have to, we have to, we have to.

[A]

But it's so funny. Like, I was talking about this with Mrs. Gould. His albums, like, they're still like, you go to used record stores.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And the comedy bins are full of Bill Cosby because everybody's like, oh, you can't have Bill Cosby records anymore.

[B]

You mean they sold them back?

[A]

Yeah, but it's like, no, these records are still amazing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Cosby and Steve Martin were the two that.

[A]

Yeah. But it's like, you do have to separate. Like, you can't take out what he did.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, in the same way. Like. And by the way, I'm sure Chuck Berry did some terrible things that we don't know about, and a lot of.

[B]

Things that we do know about, I think. Yeah, exactly. Unfortunately, we're all very. I feel like as a society, we're very well versed now in going like, everything's everything. Well, you have a bit about it.

[A]

Yeah. You want.

[B]

You don't want to watch how the cow.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. You can't drag everything back to the point where it's awful and everything eventually is awful. Yeah.

[B]

And then just to. I think you'd agree with this, to represent the other side. I just think we need represent, like, we need to be honest and open.

[A]

Yeah, well put.

[B]

We can't be at the dinner table pretending someone didn't assault someone like that. You know what I'm saying? As a nation. So we can say this rapist, you know, or whatever. I know that sounds so like He's.

[A]

He's called Mr. President.

[B]

Yikes.

[A]

Yeah. You know, it's like.

[B]

That's true. There is a weird.

[A]

But it's like. It's like. Not to get, like, obvious, but let's all remember that the guy who wrote All Men Are Created Equal Owned some folks.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[A]

So right out of. I always think when people say, like, you know, on. When. When JFK was assassinated, the whole thing. Today America lost its innocence. And like every black.

[B]

It's true. The atrocities that we look the other way on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's why when you mention. By the way, one of my favorite things to do. I'm a mostly vegan. That's not even true. I had pizza with my daughter last night. I. I break rules all the time. I think that's important. I don't know why. But anyway, when a vegetarian criticizes a. A meat eater.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I can't. I wish I had been at that dinner a vegetarian made fun of you. Because the vegan community, I don't know if you know, this does not recognize the vegetarian community.

[A]

Oh, no. Is it subdivided?

[B]

It's one of the funny. Well, being from Boston, you know, it's like, how certain.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

Each other.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Vegetarians and vegans should have a holy alliance. But like, vegans love meaning. I love.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Bring up how atrocious dairy and eggs and all that sort of stuff. It's like nobody. But this is actually kind of. My point is like, we need to hold a paradox in our minds. One, we should be virtuous and we should strive to be better and keep getting better and do the right thing and cause the least amount of harm. And on the other hand, we all have blood on our hands, like every moment.

[A]

It's impossible. Yeah. It's impossible to. To walk through life and not leave your house.

[B]

Neil DeGrasse Tyson said this on the podcast. I said it all the time. Your house was a habitat for owls. Like no one. That's not to say we should give up. You just have to hold both.

[A]

Yeah. It's very hard to do and be aware and not. And you know, and. And you know, now it's. You know, we're both sides are on 11.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And people like, you know, there is this Christian belief. Not a Christian belief. There's this weird. I don't know what it is where it comes from that, you know, God gave us the earth to use.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So we should use it up.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then there is. The other people go, well, that sounds a little nuts.

[B]

You know, I think it's so weird how. And I. There's a type of RA racism that I got illuminated to doing this podcast.

[A]

I thought you were gonna say there's a type of racism that I really like.

[B]

I love my favorite I one time asked a girl on a date, what's your least favorite race? As a joke. And she answered, I.

[A]

Was shocked.

[B]

I was shocked. But there's a type of subtle stereotyping or racism, whatever you want to call it, when you glorify all Native American culture as one thing.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So I want to be careful here. But there did seem to be an appreciation of balance that we just don't seem to have. And harmony and seasons and flow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Certainly not in every case. But like, when we come and we just. Like the churning. We're just everything's. I've been trying to find somebody to explain to me. Maybe it's you. How capitalism, meaning everything being used for something and being narcissistic, leads to misogyny, leads to sexism, racism. Do you have thoughts on that?

[A]

I do. You know, because we don't have a. It used to be that we were a. You know, we're not a democracy, we're a representative republic or something like that.

[B]

You know, it's like, I knew.

[A]

Specific thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And we use capitalism as our economic model and we don't have a state religion. What it is, really is we are a capitalist endeavor. Capitalism is our state religion. And we use democracy to give people the vague illusion of choice and.

[B]

Which is very like capital. Capitalism itself is like, which of these five phone cases do you want?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because you're an individual.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah. We have.

[B]

And like your great line where it's like, like, like a true independent thinker. He believes what all the other independent thinkers do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's all smoke and mirror.

[A]

Yeah. If they're all independent thinkers, why do they all have the same hat? You know, but. But now it's like, if it makes a profit, it's good. You know, the idea that health care is for profit and they believe. Well, that will drive. And that the market will. Will drive it to the point that it's equitable for all.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That only works with rules. You know, this is. I just look at it as a street grid. Like, you know, the street works, the traffic grid in LA works because we have stop signs and red lights and yellow lights and green lights. If you take those out, it's carnage.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But a capitalist would say, well, the red light stops us from making money during those two minutes. We got to get them out of here and we can improve our. You know. I see. And.

[B]

And, you know, leads to crashes and fatalities.

[A]

Yeah. And, you know, the false belief. And there's all these false canards that are. Oh, sorry, Put on people they like. If we raise the minimum wage, jobs dry up. That has been. That is not true. If you tax corporations, they won't hire people. That is not true. And these are just things that they say because they don't want to get taxed.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, and you just have to look at the wealth disparity from the 50s to now. It's insane. The top tax bracket in the 1950s, and that's always where people point to. If you want to know what Donald Trump wants from our culture, you look to America in the 1950s. That's what he wants. That's because that's where he grew up. It's like it was a 90% tax bracket.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

In the 1950s, the top 1% paid 90% taxes. You know, I'll go back to that.

[B]

You know, it's, you know. Okay, so a lot of things came from that one. That was Donald Trump's season of snl. That's why he has a fondness.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

That was his cast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But also, I. In going with that metaphor of like, we need to take these red lights out of here, and that leads to carnage, and then there's one sociopath on a motorcycle that it does benefit.

[A]

Right. Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Right? Yeah.

[B]

And then we're like, all the businesses are kind of like, what if it's us?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So keep going. Because you seem like a. You seem like a learned gentleman. When everything is for profit, we look at things and we forgive things that pay out.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And we want. And we. We curse and spit out of our mouths things that don't pay out.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I really feel like that leads to some very black and white thinking, which leads to people just being like, if it's success, a success, we like it, but if it's in need, we hate it. And, yeah, that.

[A]

And it's the definition of profit. And I always like, what if you didn't make all the money?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What if you just made some and then other people had money, too?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and that is seen as a weakness. Like, you know, you know, Jamie Dimon is talking about, like, these people have weekends off. I said yes, because they're not sociopaths like you are.

[B]

He wanted to take the weekend away.

[A]

Well, he was complaining that he calls his workers on Saturday and Sunday in their home.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, you know, your money is a way to live your life, and you should live your life and. And enjoy your life. And if other people make money, that doesn't mean that there's less money for you.

[B]

It's the depravity model. It's very similar to probably how they view love. It's intolerable to see mommy pick up somebody else and feed them.

[A]

Yeah. And I get it. Because those, the people with that chip missing in their brains are the people that get those jobs because they're the people that are driven enough to. To get to that position. Unfortunately, you know, then people look up to them as the model and no, those that. You don't want that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's like, you know, I, I could, I could look like Kamal, but I don't want to do what it takes to look like that.

[B]

You don't want to blend chickens.

[A]

Nothing against him.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and nothing again. But it's just like I, Yeah, I could get jacked, but I don't want to do that much work, you know, similar. I would like balloons in my arms that I could just inflate at will. And then I'll have some biceps. And then at night.

[B]

That's actually a really interesting question. If there was a way to just have muscles, like, let's say there's an ocean.

[A]

And I only said. I only said Camille because.

[B]

Because he's our friend.

[A]

Well, you've still friendly. Came up on my Instagram today, like, I didn't know I wasn't following him and said, you should follow this guy's like, oh, shit than that.

[B]

You don't have to be afraid. He's a gentle giant. He's not going to hurt.

[A]

Oh, he could kill me.

[C]

Yeah, but he won't.

[B]

He won't. He has a new bit of. It's very funny bit about how these muscles are for show only funny. But if you could go in like a, like a cryo chamber and come out with muscles, would they mean the same? You know what I mean? Like, they're not funny. But if muscles aren't funny. No, that's for sure. But like, if muscles weren't a sign of discipline, like, if you could just get them, would they be less attractive?

[A]

I don't want to look like that. And I always love. I really don't. Like, I, you know, I look, I'm on the bmi. I'm obese.

[C]

Yeah, I am.

[B]

Me too. Yeah, me too.

[A]

Literally.

[B]

And the BMI is that little circle.

[A]

Yeah. And by the way, the BMI is one of the leading causes of teenage anorexia and girls, because they put in their weight and their height and they go, oh, you're obese.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's been 10 years puking up my.

[B]

My new doctor does not use the little paper circle. Oh, my outdated system. I'm sure Kumail is obese based on his weight.

[A]

I go to Dr. Shame. Do you go, Dr. Shame. Hi, fatty. What circus do you work in? No.

[B]

Our anesthesiologist was named doctor. No, Dr. My name.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Yeah. My daughter's like, well. And I. And I. And I say. Because I just had a big physical, and it's like, well. And I go like, how am I.

[B]

When I say Kumail's obese, it's just because he weighs so much.

[A]

Yeah. No, there's a. There's a guy that I follow on Instagram who's like a bodybuilder, weightlifter, and.

[B]

He'S like, I'm obese.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, look, I'm obese. And it looks like Hercules.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

It's an outmoded model. But I went to my doctor, like, look, I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't take drugs. I've never done any drugs. I've never been high. I've never, never. I got drunk once in 1980. I. And I eat fairly. Fairly disciplined, like, And I. And I don't understand it. He's like, what do you have for breakfast? I go, usually for breakfast, I have coffee. What do you put in it? Like, a little bit of milk? Forget it. Eat a sheet cake. You forget it.

[B]

You know, it's like, wait, what does he mean?

[A]

It's just like, you can't do anything. Like, you know, it's like, you know.

[B]

Put a little milk.

[A]

Yeah. Put a thumbnail of chicken on a scale and then eat a week later. As George. As George Carlin once said, all I can eat now is a cup of Woolite and a wicker swing set.

[B]

What a great turn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tell me your Kevin Meaney story. I was curious.

[A]

Oh, well, I was talking about to. With Bobcat about this recently. You know, we all came up in Boston in the 80s, which was virulently homophobic.

[B]

Yeah, well, Kevin Meaney is a homosexual. He was out, right?

[A]

No, not. He was not out. This was the thing. I think he came out towards the end of his life for context, for content.

[B]

But very, very funny comedian.

[A]

Very, very funny comedian hung out with this group of guys whose jokes would be hate speech today. I mean, literally, this is at the beginning of the AIDS crisis, and literally, I can't even repeat some of the stuff that was. It just sounded like stuff from a Bund rally and people would go bananas.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And Kevin, I caught the tail end of that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it stopped working.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was kind of fun.

[A]

Oh, that's good, too. That's good to see that there was a guy. Yeah. But there were. There were jokes that were just like. And even in the. Even in the time when you could do or say anything, I'm like, jesus Christ.

[B]

Yeah, I remember.

[A]

And Kevin is hanging with those guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And not only is he closeted and these guys are his best friends, he's going on stage in a bow tie, closing his act with a Judy Garland song.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't Care from meet me in St. Louis. And it never entered any of our minds.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That he was.

[B]

This is the Liberace phenomenon.

[A]

It never. And. And now I talk to my. It's just like, how. What. How did it never, ever enter our mind?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and I feel for him to have to be. To have to have existed like that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, if you're. Well, we're talking about our own self doubt, and if you really kind of are beating yourself up and you're hanging out with people who are also beating up your identity, even if they don't know it, it can feel kind of familiar. Something.

[A]

Well put. Yeah. Well put.

[B]

Something that I've been going back to. I just read it in a book. I audiobook read it. I listened to a book, and it said, you don't search for happiness. You search for your most familiar feeling.

[A]

Sure. I was like, well, that's why you marry your parents.

[B]

I know. When you said that in your act, I really appreciated it and took a moment and I went. I didn't. I could be wrong, Dana, but you. You made this joke about that you married your.

[A]

I married my mother. I certainly did.

[B]

Whoops a doodle.

[A]

Yeah. My wife. I love. It's so funny. My. My first wife and my second wife.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I married my dad and then I married my mom.

[B]

You got to have the set.

[A]

I did. And when I say my dad. When I say my. When I say my dad, I mean, my first wife made more money than I did, was much more adult than I was, dragged me into a. In a way that my dad didn't.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, my. My. My first wife was the dad I wanted. Like, new dad taught me how to grow up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, my first wife.

[B]

Powerful, influential person.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And. And we're great friends.

[B]

Oh, are you?

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, I'm Happy?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, we're. No, we live four minutes away from each other. We have three kids together. We talk every day.

[B]

Oh, that's great.

[A]

Yeah. And she's the. She's. She's terrific. And. But, like, she made me grow up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm very eternally grateful, by the way.

[B]

When did you get divorced?

[A]

2013.

[B]

Okay. Well, I mean, you've had the time. But it's so valuable to me, in my personal experience, too, when you break up with somebody and it ends, there's this temptation. It's an addict kind of thinking to scorch the earth and go, that person's the devil.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's really beautiful to go. Because I had a relationship that was pretty chunky, funky, and now I've had those. That person helped me put up all these boundaries with my family that I didn't even know she did. And now I try, when I think of her, to have this fondness for someone who really broke me out of prison.

[A]

I didn't even know. Well, I never understood. And it's just my emotional immaturity that, like, you could be really. And it's different when you. I mean, we have kids. We're. We're taught. And we. And we grew up together.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, not. You know, we met in our 20s. In our 20s, and we were together 18 years. Yeah. But, like, I would have a. The rel. The relationship I had after my marriage, my first marriage, was very intense. Two people going through divorces and triplets. No. Someone else.

[B]

Look at you out there in the mix.

[A]

Rhymes with Barley's, Barone. But. But, like. And we. We. You know, that. That was doomed from the start. You know, two people. Two people on fire.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we have no communication. And. And I'm like, how can you not communicate with somebody that you were so intimate with?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then it took me a long time to realize that's why it's like, you can't have a casual relationship with that person. It was way too. Way too intimate.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But I have this theory that when you. When you are in a relationship with someone, that doesn't go there. There is a time when you sleep together for the last time.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

But you don't know it's the last time at the time. And I think at the end of that, when you lie back in the bed, the credits of your relationship should go up on the ceiling, and it would be like the end of the Sopranos. What? That's it. We're done.

[B]

Oh, my God. I've heard that. For picking your kid.

[A]

Well. Well, of anger, your mother. Wait, all the credits.

[B]

I've never thought of that. There's a last time you have sex.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Unfortunately, I remember the last time I had sex with my. My ex wife and it was just so clearly over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, emotional and like, we both were like, what is this? Because she was having an affair and I didn't know and it's like, this isn't working. Where are you? Kind of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Very sad, very horrible. But ultimately for the best.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

That could have been black screen Soprano. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. That's it.

[B]

And anyone watching, by the way, would have been like, how does this kid not see this?

[A]

Yeah, that.

[B]

That goes back to you growing up. What did that. When you say growing up, what do you mean? What did you learn? I think people are very interested.

[A]

Well, because I was a kid, you know, I was, as I like to say, like, I was not raised. I was housed. You know, I didn't. You know, I. We didn't have it. I went out into the world and I. You know, I. I meet people that I knew before I turned 30 and I just. Blanket apology. I'm sorry. Like, I was every naked, needy. I mean, you saw Joyride.

[B]

I loved it.

[A]

Bob witnessed, like, he was like, you were a train wreck. And I was like, yes, I was.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And I just had to teach myself how to. I grew up in a small town where everybody knew each. I didn't know people I didn't know.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I went out into the world. Like, everybody knows me. Everybody thinks I'm fun. Like, I was so known. And I got fired by the Catholic church in my town.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I was a. I was electoral at church, which is. You go up and you read at the beginning of this. Of the mass.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And everyone in town knew who I was, and everyone in town knew I was funny. And so I would go up to read and people would start to laugh. And the more serious I would try to be, the more they would laugh. And Father Riga took me aside and was like, it's not you, but it ain't working.

[B]

You were like the Urkel. Like, no matter what.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's just asking for cheese.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Everyone's clapping.

[A]

And then I went out into the world to people that didn't know me. I'm like, why don't you think I'm awesome?

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I need you. I need your attention.

[B]

I had that same experience, but my town was my mom, like, thinking I was the Greatest.

[A]

Right?

[B]

But you had. What was it? Hautel. Oh, sorry.

[A]

Hope is. Is also there. Hail. But. But my first wife. It's not working. Like, you know, who just bought a house, had kids, that Roy Wood Jr.

[B]

Was fired by Ron White. And he goes. He's like, it's not working. He goes. He's like, what? What happened? He goes, too good.

[A]

Yeah, that happens too.

[B]

Too good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he paid him out. He paid him for all the dates.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

That's awesome. Imagine being too good.

[A]

I was standing backstage with a pretty well known comedian who shall remain nameless watching his opening act, who will also remain nameless. And the opening act was not a great. And this very famous comedian just went. Looked at us and just went. He's easy to follow.

[B]

That is very, very funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I remember that's happened to me in certain situations where it's just a tonal thing and it's like, it's not working.

[A]

Yeah, it just doesn't. Yeah, it just doesn't.

[B]

We don't want this jamming. And often I'll say to my openers, I'm like, please don't, you know, don't do crowd work. Don't be jumping around and stuff. Because then when I come up, it's like boring and dumb to save. That's part of the.

[A]

Well, you want to. You want to. Do you want a different. You want a different, like, different. I used to open for Steven Wright and it was a really good mix because I. I'm very, you know. And he's so specific.

[B]

As long as it's changing the channel.

[A]

Yeah. Well put.

[B]

Well, it can't be the same show.

[A]

What's so funny about Stephen Wright is that what people don't realize is that he's so silly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, as a. As a guy, I.

[B]

He just did the pot. I loved him.

[A]

He's a great owl.

[B]

He took gloves off. I always think about this. He had gloves. He goes, randall, cars are disgusting. And I'm like, yeah, but everything's disgusting. That's what I'm thinking. I don't want to give him a.

[A]

Yeah, he has one of those. There are a couple of jokes. There's like six of them on Earth where I just shake my head because they're perfect. Yeah, they're perfect.

[B]

Can you think of one?

[A]

Well, his. Yeah. Is. Yeah, I think it's. There's two of them, actually. I think it's wrong. Only one company makes Monopoly.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

And the other one is attributed to him. It sounds like him. Which Is. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

I know. I say it every time he comes up. But I love. And I also love doing it in the impression. I go. A friend of mine is a cesarean section. You can't tell. But every once in a while, when he leaves the house, he goes out the window.

[A]

Yep. That was on his first Tonight Show.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Yeah. It's insane. I love it. And then there's a joke that I. It's my favorite joke. And I don't know who told it, but it's the. There's two. There's two more. One is the first two people that thought Superman was a bird or a plane. What's all the excitement? It's a bird. Yes. Okay. It's a plane. Okay. All right. Okay. No.

[B]

You know what those people are? Everyone's looking at a man flying, and they're in. I'm gonna say hot take. There are too many people out there going, it's a bird. Even though they are looking at something.

[A]

Because their brain's trying to make sense of it. It's a bird.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Shut up.

[A]

I have a friend.

[B]

Let us enjoy it.

[A]

I have a friend who's a. Not a comedian, special effects guy. And he goes, you know, King Kong, they capture him in the jungle. They bring him to New York, they put him on stage. They open up the curtain, and there's Kong. And they start taking pictures, and he freaks out and he breaks loose. If he didn't break loose, what was the show that's so great?

[B]

You know what? Okay. That's such a great show business joke, too.

[A]

Yeah, It's a great show.

[B]

You know, there's a relieved producer who was like, thank God he escaped. Cause we had nothing.

[A]

We had Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy. They can't follow this. Yeah.

[B]

They just show them the. You can't open with Kong. You gotta build to it. You open with Kong, you need a guy that comes out his fingers the size of a New York subway train. You know, you gotta build it up.

[A]

You gotta. Then have the reveal.

[B]

Let him. You want to hear him? Like, let's hear him first. Yeah.

[A]

See, you know how to do this?

[B]

Bring one person backstage to see it and let her scream.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then we all get chills. You can't just open it up.

[A]

It's like the first scene in Star wars is the attack on the Death Star. No, no, no, no. There's nowhere to go. So we're done.

[B]

If he hadn't escaped, what was the show is now my new Favorite show business.

[A]

Oh, I love it. Yeah, it's like, how's the house from the elephant.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

Oh, it's an old showbiz joke about this guy gets a job in the circus and his first. First is my joke about the circus, which I. It's like it's never really getting the laugh I wanted to have.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

People always say when they're a kid, I'm gonna run away and join the circus. The circus travels around from town to town.

[B]

Just wait.

[A]

Yeah, you just have to go outside and wait. But I'm gonna go out front and wait for the circus. Doesn't sound as good.

[B]

I'm shocked that that doesn't work. I'm tickled.

[A]

I was.

[B]

I'm gonna go out front and wait for the circus.

[A]

It's a funny.

[B]

Have you tried screaming it.

[C]

That's the people.

[A]

Maybe that's what I do. I was on a. I was on a tv. I was on a TV series called Mob City. That was Frank Darabon who created Walking Dead. It was his series after Walking Dead. It was the LA mob squad in the 1940s, and it only ran for one season. But it was the coolest job I've ever had, you know, playing a detective. You know, it was just.

[B]

Well, you were on it.

[A]

I was on it. Yeah. I was one of. I was in the Cavs. One of the detectives. I got shot. I shot a guy. Yeah. It was the coolest job I've ever had.

[B]

I could see you as a great detective.

[A]

Yeah, I was. I'll tell you two quick stories about it. I have some great stories, but this isn't the time or the place.

[B]

That's a guy on a podcast.

[A]

But so funny. But there was a scene. There was this great scene. We shot it three nights in Griffith park where John Bernthal, who's a very famous. It was the lead in the show.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's two or three mobsters that are trying to kill him. And they're on the Merry Go Round at Griffith park at night. And they're going in opposite directions.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And it just. We're just going over. And I said to the first ad, why doesn't John just step off and wait for them to come by and shoot them? Guy went, don't tell Frank, because it.

[B]

Would have ruined it because he would.

[A]

Have murdered me.

[B]

The guy. That ruins it. Yeah. Because the movie needs to have. Or the show needs.

[A]

The show needs it.

[B]

Yeah, the show needs.

[A]

It was beautiful. And then there was one scene, and I was in an episode where I got. I was in a shootout and I got shot and then I had to crawl. And it was a big action scene. And they wire me with squibs, and I'm in the thing. Special effects guy comes up to me and he goes, okay, so just so you know, when these. And they're telling you this, like, action movie acting is not easy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you have to. You can't think about it when you're doing it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I literally had to rehearse by crawling on the floor. Because you have to. It has to be second nature.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Doing it. So special picture. He goes, all right, the scrubs are going to go off and you're going to want to turn. And it would. Went from my left rib to my right shoulder.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you're going to want to turn to the left when they go off as it moves across your chest. But don't, because we're going to blow this wall out on your left side. So don't turn your head or it's going to be. So just try to keep. And I go, okay. Okay. You're going to. Because you've done this before, right? No. And he went, oh.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

But it's. You don't have to. You know.

[B]

But then you didn't get a face full of wall, did you?

[A]

No, but I would have had he not said that. But then you, you know, you do. You know that. Then it takes over. And I had a really good acting teacher who helped me get through that, Leslie Khan. And I. When I got the job, I called my friend, because I'm a comedy guy and this is not a comedy show. And I called my friend Todd Stashwick, who, if you know who Todd is, he was on the. The Star Trek. He was in Star Trek. He was on Picard. He. If you watch Picard, he was the captain of the ship on Picard. He's a big actor. He's a second City guy. He's a comedy guy. Okay. And I said, how do I do this? How do you do this?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I don't know what I'm doing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he just went, leslie Khan, that's it. Yeah.

[C]

That's all you need.

[A]

I went over to her and she goes, let's do a scene. I go, okay. And I start. She goes, I'm gonna stop you right there.

[B]

Right away.

[A]

Yeah. Right out of the gate. And she goes, you're gonna be really easy to fix because you're doing everything perfectly wrong. Yeah. And she was right.

[B]

Although, you know, it's funny. I was watching the new season of Reacher, and I like that show.

[A]

Sure. But I'm like, you're a man.

[B]

Because I'm a man. And. And we men just have an insatiable appetite to pretend that they're an Alpha who doesn't exercise, eats candy bars, and always knows everything that he needs to know.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

It's like Sherlock Holmes who beats people up. That's what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's sort of embarrassing that there will always be an audience for a guy who's just like, well, Dana, your coffee cup tells me that you're actually an alcoholic. We love it because men just want to be useful. And this is the most useful guy who just can't stop going to towns and having the cops ask for help. I mean, it's such a male fantasy. It's embarrassing. They're like, he doesn't work out. But if you saw that guy, you would say, all you do is work out. Right. In fact, I've seen interviews with that actor, and he's like, I have to work out constantly to look like this. But we just want to look like that. Yeah, not us. Not you and I. But he looks like that. And then the cops are like, please, you're the only one. You're the only one. And he's like. And women are just like, please, I'm in love with you. And he's just walking around, like, in a strip club, turning down dances.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's our fantasy. But I'm watching it. And this isn't really a criticism of the show as much of the genre is like, he's wiping his prints off the truck, and he has to say, you got a name, kid? And I'm like, I can't. If I was the actor, I would have been like, can he please just say, what's your name?

[A]

Yeah, they can't.

[B]

They have to be like, you got a name, kid? They're gonna find us. Not if we find him first. Like, we just can't stop.

[A]

Well, you know what Leslie Kahn would say?

[B]

What? Yet that's kind of what I'm hoping. Throw it away.

[A]

No, ask. Ask, what's your name?

[B]

But say, you got a name, kid. That's like Birbiglia. He says, think, but don't say it. That's how you take swears out of your act.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like. Yeah. You just have to. It's.

[B]

I'm gonna try.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

You gotta.

[A]

It's not easy. Acting is not easy.

[B]

I hated it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got a name kid? I hate it. Can you say you got a name kid to me without feeling like a piece of shit?

[A]

He a name kid.

[B]

How did you feel?

[A]

As good as it could be. It's bad, it's. I feel bad. Like it's so funny because you, you.

[B]

Know, you got a name kid is over.

[A]

Harrison Ford famously said to Jordan, famously threatened George Lucas to tie him to a chair and make him say his dialogue in Star Wars. He goes, you can write this stuff, but you can't say it.

[B]

That's hilarious.

[A]

I've been from one side of this galaxy to the other and I've seen a lot of strange things. Like you got to be able to write the way people talk, you know?

[B]

Pardon the interruption, weirdos. I am obsessed with dad Grass leisure drinks. I had one last night. My friend was barbecuing burgers beyond burgers, but it was still a barbecue and I wanted to hold a drink in my hand that makes me laugh and silly and have fun. And that's dad Grass weed is so strong these days, it's always flooding your system. I can't focus on a movie, I can't hold a conversation, and I always end up eating an entire pizza. Dad Grass leisure drinks are amazing. I'm not just saying that. They taste heavenly. And they have the perfect microdose of hemp THC that gets into you quickly because it's a liquid and leaves your body quickly because it's a liquid. That's just how it works. You go in, you feel fantastic, you laugh more, you enjoy more, you feel nice. Of course it's stackable if you want to go further. I find one dad Grass leisure drink to be perfect. It tastes amazing. It's like a yuzu flavor and it gives me. I'm California sober, I don't drink alcohol. Gives me a can of something I can hold that takes the edge off, that helps me settle into a social situation and have fun. We're talking 3 milligrams of THC, 6 milligrams of CBD and 2,200 milligrams of Lion's Mane per can. It's mild dose. It's fast acting. Hits you in 10 minutes. Leisure drinks are amazing and they ship everywhere. If you are 21, you can get it, go get leisure drinks or all of dad Grass's products, including joints and gummies by going to dadgrass.com weird use promo code weird for 20% off for the perfect amazing tasting can THC experience that I am obsessed with. That's dad grass.com weird. Use promo code. We're for 20% off. We're also brought to us. I'm wearing the hat, which feels like wearing the T shirt of the band to the concert. But I wear this hat all the time because I love Element. Element is an electrolyte supplement that you add to water that gets you drinking more water, that gets you hydrated better, more complete, more quickly. And it tastes amazing. So of course I'm obsessed with it. Growing up, an electrolyte drink after a workout meant flat soda, basically tons and tons of sugar. Element is no BS LMNT element no BS 5 calories doesn't interrupt to fast. In fact, it's wonderful if you're fasting makes you feel satiated and wonderful. And is the feeling of sodium, potassium and magnesium in the perfect ratio to flood every cell of your body with optimum hydration. It's wonderful for fatigue, it's wonderful for mental clarity. It's wonderful after a workout. But it's also just a great way to jumpstart your day. It's replaced my morning cup of coffee. I start my day with Element. It's a huge part of my wellness program that I genuinely look forward to. I love their watermelon salt flavor. You also see us drinking it here on set. The 16 ounce cans that they make. Try this. Get it in your body and feel the feeling of optimum hydration. What it does to your mind, your body, your mood, everything. It's fantastic. And it's no BS stuff. Go to drink lmnt.com weird and use promo code weird to get a free Element sample pack with any order. Include when no matter what you order. Sorry, I should have said including the new sparkling 16 ounce cans of electrolyte sparkling water. And if Element doesn't exceed your expectations, they have a no question, questions asked refund policy. And this sample pack is like a 14 value, so it's awesome. And you get to try all the flavors. So support your body, support the show. Go to drinklmnt.com weird get your free sample pack with any purchase. That's drinklmnt.com weird. Tell your Bob Dylan story. Do you mind?

[A]

Which one?

[B]

The one you told me at Largo about the friend of yours.

[A]

Oh yeah, yeah. My friend. My friend Eddie. I know, I'm confused.

[B]

Completely jumping topic.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, it's a good story about show business.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

The best story about show business.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I have a very good friend. I'm not going to say his name and he'll either be angry That I didn't say his name, or he'll be angry that I did say his name. I'm not sure which way to go.

[B]

But he's got a name, kid.

[A]

He's got a name. I'll tell you. If you knew. And he worked for Bob Dylan.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And he said famously, like, never in my life did I think I would be getting phone calls from Bob Dylan, much less dodging phone calls from Bob Dylan.

[B]

This is what it is. I was at ucb, and I will also omit the name, but somebody was there doing Ask Cat. That's the show where all the celebrities are there. And it was a young lady, and she goes, if you would have told me when I was 12 that I'd be hiding from Chevy Chase, I wouldn't have believed.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the Mel Brooks Cary Grant story.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

It was literally like, Mel Brooks gets an office on 20th Century Fox, and he goes to the thing and he sees Cary Grant in the commissary, and Cary Grant has lunch with him, and he goes, I can't believe it. I have Carrie Grant. Then the next day, Carrie Grant wants to go to lunch, and he's like, I can't. I can't have lunch with Gary Grant today.

[B]

That's just what it is. Yeah, that's just what it is.

[A]

So my friend. My friend gets a job for Bob Dylan, and Bob Dylan is playing at the Hollywood bowl. And they say to my friend, do you want to go to the show? And he goes, yeah, I'd love to go to the show. Goes, oh, just come to the show. I'll put your name at the door. With his wife. He goes to Hollywood bowl and just gives his name, and they let him in, and he's thinking, this is amazing. I just walked up to the Hollywood bowl, gave my name, and then let me in. This is crazy, because he's a guy from Massachusetts.

[B]

Yeah, I've made it.

[A]

Yeah. And then they go, no, go in there. Go in there. There's a. There's a thing. So he goes, I go in this room, and there's just, like, picnic tables and chests of ice with beer in them. Like, this is. This is insane. This is like how the other half lives. And they go, no, go up. Go there. Go to the. Go to the private lounge. Private lounge. So I go to this upstairs, and there's this other room, and then there's a bar, and I see, like, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick.

[B]

And I'm like, you said Jack Nicholson oh, no, no.

[A]

It gives me a.

[B]

Sorry, I'm sorry.

[A]

Like, oh, my God. And they go, no, go, go up there. So I go to this other lounge, like the Super Duper. I go from the Super Lounge to the Super Duper Lounge.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And then there's Warren Beatty and Jack Nicholson, and there's no bar.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

There's just waitresses with trays and they're giving you drinks. And like, this is crazy. And then somebody goes, hey, Bob wants to ask you a question. Bob wants to talk to you. So I go down this corridor, I open up the door, and there's an old Jewish man without a shirt on sitting on a folding chair. And I think I went in too deep. I went in for. I went in too far. Yeah, waiting. Yeah, sure. Old Jewish man. Hey, hey, you got any Hostess Fruit Pies or whatever he wants?

[B]

You should have stopped at the second.

[A]

Yeah, we stopped at the.

[B]

Yeah, stop at the Nicholson Room.

[A]

Yeah. But no, you go in too deep. And that, you know, that is, that is how it is.

[B]

I am, you know. Thank you. I love that. And now do you have another Bob Dylan story?

[A]

Well, I talked to him. So this, this guy worked on Bob's radio show, Theme Time radio hour on SiriusXM. And he said, and I grew up on Bob Dylan. My, I have older brothers and they played Blood on the Tracks and Desire every day when I was a kid. Like, I know those albums front to back. And I, I love Bob Dylan. I, I, you know. And my friend goes, do you want to play a caller on the show? Because it would. It was a serious show, pre recorded, but they were like, hey, we got a call, and people would call, and it was all pre recorded.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I said, yeah, yeah, of course. And so I'm in the shower, I'm getting ready to go to work. I was getting ready to go to the Simpsons, and I was in the shower and the phone rang and I thought it was my wife who had left for work. So I run out of the shower dripping, naked, pick up the phone as my friend goes, hey, can you do this call now?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Goes, hey, Bob, this is Dana. Hey. So I talked to Bob Dylan on the phone.

[B]

Naked.

[A]

Naked and wet.

[B]

Water on the tracks.

[A]

Put a towel on it. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

What did you talk about?

[A]

I just said I, I had to do. They wanted somebody with a Boston accent to call in and ask for a song like Dirty Water or something. And then he goes, you sound like Ted Kennedy.

[B]

That was it. What is so funny about Bob Dylan and how he's Having I told you my line as I go. I've been getting really into Bob Dylan lately for no reason. Just such a hack. I'm so obvious. It's a great joke, and it comes through the zeitgeist. And I bite, I write, I get.

[A]

But you like. You like Bob Dylan.

[B]

I never. I look, I. I like him, but not enough. Now I'm really. I watched Don't Look Back. Yeah, the Scorsese.

[A]

He's such an a hole. And don't look Back. Who threw the bottle?

[B]

What's that?

[A]

Who threw the bottle, Man?

[B]

I actually really liked him. And Don't Look Back because the story is. Don't Look Back is the black and white documentary.

[A]

Yeah. By D.A. pennebaker.

[B]

And he said when he watched it, he was aghast and didn't like it and didn't want it to be released, probably. And then the director said, just think of it as you're playing the character of Bob Dylan. And then he loved it.

[A]

Oh, that's interesting.

[B]

I was like, okay. I can see. Because I didn't think he was too much of a turd. I'm such an un.

[A]

He's mean to Donovan.

[B]

He is mean to Donna. I didn't know who that was.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And he sings him a song, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like Donovan, but, you know, mellow yellow.

[A]

He had a big mellow yellow.

[B]

Yellow. That's kind of. All of those people are the monkeys to me.

[A]

Sure. Okay.

[B]

I don't know who it was. I'm a little older, but I liked him in that movie very, very much. Oh, what was I going to say? I just think someone somewhere knows this. That's how I feel about all the chosen prophets. You know what I mean? And the more we learn about Bob Dylan, the more he is just an old Jewish man on a folding chair.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the more you learn about anybody. That's why I'm like. I had this line and I don't think it. I don't know if it made my book, but I was like. When I was a kid, I was like, I wish someone had been there to film Jesus. And I'm like, what? And ruin it?

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

That's how you feel.

[A]

Picking his nose.

[B]

Picking his nose, calling everyone chief. You know what I mean? It's just like, you can't have your saviors in footage of them as well.

[A]

I heard an interesting thing. You might know this, but it was a very interesting thing that nowhere in the Bible or in the Gospel does Jesus say to worship me.

[B]

That's for sure.

[A]

Just follow me.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah. And it is. It must be associated. Like, you're all wrong. You're all ruining this.

[B]

Well, he also. He says a lot of things. One of the ones that I like to go to is he says to his disciples, you'll do far greater things than these. So he's telling them, like, take the ball and run with it. Like, take my. What I've taught you, but go on your own journey. And the fact that we stopped and, like, instead of just going to Detroit, we worship the sign that says Detroit this way. Like, we don't explore. We don't ask ourselves, who am I? We don't ask ourselves, what is our relationship to God really, deep down. We just kind of throw endless parties for this other guy. If you pointed it out, and that's.

[A]

The way it is, if you told people, you're gonna have a thing in your pocket about the size of a deck of cards, and you're going to be able to access anything on earth, you'll be able to learn anything on Earth. And then, like, what is. What is the thing that people, like? Amateur gang bangs. Yeah, that's right. You know, it's like, oh, I thought it would be French. I could learn French. No, no.

[B]

And, well, that's why, as I get older, I'm like, I can't even.

[A]

Why amateur?

[B]

Like, what? Well, this gang bang is.

[A]

Leave this to the pros.

[B]

These are professional.

[A]

People don't, like, you know what people don't like? Expertise.

[B]

They want to see the flaws.

[A]

They want to. Well, that's why people, like, vote for Lake Trip. He goes with his gut. That's why I like him. He reminds me of me. Yeah, they don't apply that to, like, a pilot or a heart surgeon. Those jobs are important.

[B]

What's funny is, like, the. The very arrogant, confident guy who's winning is our favorite thing.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Or a lot of our favorite things. And the very arrogant, confident guy who loses is our least favorite thing. Right. Opposer. Like a phony. Someone who goes into something. Like, think of Kendall Roy in the. In the pilot succession, he goes in and he pitches and he doesn't work. You couldn't be a bigger heel. Like, that's exactly what America can't wait to turn its back on. But if you're a blowhard and you keep seeming to win, you know what I mean? Like, in everything you do, people will love that more than anything.

[A]

Well, you know, my brother. My brother Kev is. Loves, you know. You know, he's a. He's a great guy and he's hilariously funny.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But he's a Trump supporter. He's a Republican. Pictures of John Wayne all over the House.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I could tell, you know, well, John Wayne is 100% fabrication.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Real name Marion, did not serve in World War II.

[B]

Somehow dodged it.

[A]

Yeah. Kept putting it off to the point that it was a big problem with him. And John Ford, who did serve in World War II and then became a right wing zealot because of his guilt at not serving in World War II. I could tell them that 100 times. It doesn't matter.

[B]

Right. Symbols.

[A]

Don't want to hear it. Yeah. They don't want to hear it.

[B]

And it is our dad. My take on the allure of Trump is my dad can beat up your dad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's the guy that is just like, he doesn't know karate. He knows karazi.

[A]

Korezi. And it's also the. It's the H.L. mencken. You know, it's like, it's simple solutions to complex problems.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And as H.L. mencken said, for every complex problem, there's a solution that's simple, easy and wrong.

[B]

Well, that's right. And would rather have that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And that's a very American Scotch Irish mentality. Those are all the American heroes who just like, you know, the guy that comes into town with a gun, solves all the problems.

[B]

And I'll show all my cards and be like, I'm still. I'm talking about Reacher. Reacher is a. You don't have to say Reacher is a show. Let's just say forever.

[A]

If there's a clinician movie on, I watch it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I, I'm. There's a biological imperative that I, you know, I have those. I have those fantasies too. Right. But they're fantasies.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I wonder how we're being conditioned. That's what I'm wondering. As I'm watching my daughter growing up, I'm like, you know, we watch Ninja Turtles and we love it, but I'm also like. It is teaching you again, we love Ninja Turtles, but it's teaching you, like, if somebody's being bad, to go and hit them with a stick until they stop. And I'm sort of like, there's not a lot of, like. Well, Shredder is clearly mentally ill. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But now you're going, you're going back to that thing we talked before. It's camping. Capitalism. Because. And I, I actually said this on the show. That we did, but it's true. Like, I made a joke about Chuck Schumer online.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Not that I don't like Chuck Schumer. I want him to do better.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I want him to do more as I, you know, like when. When King Kong is on top of the Empire State Building. Get a plane and shoot at him.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't go. We're very disappointed in Kong's decision. You know, I just do something. But because I made a joke about Chuck Schumer, the algorithm of my threads went, oh, do you. Do you want to. Do you want that? Would you like suggested reels? You know, celebrate January 6th with this commemorative jar of Freedom Mace. All Democrats are coming. It's like, oh, did you want to be a poison spewing? No, I don't.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I. You know, but the hate algorithm.

[B]

Switch one way or.

[A]

And it's just like, do you want us to feed you hate? And then.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, that's, you know, again, step back. What if you didn't make all the money?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What if you stood back and said and. And caution people that, you know, people of. What if the algorithm was. So people of goodwill can have differing opinions.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But there's not as much money in that.

[B]

Right. Yeah. That. That's truly haunting. I clicked on the wrong Facebook thing, and it's been trying to show me that Tupac still alive for weeks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It.

[A]

Just. Stop, Stop.

[B]

But you're absolutely right, and that is the wickedness of social media. It's like there's no money in showing people a diverse.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's just. Get them all riled up.

[A]

Yeah. Get them all riled up. Get them all riled up. Engagement. Engagement. Engagement.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hopefully. You know, it is like giving. Giving human beings. The Internet was like giving a machete to a chimp. It's like, let's see what happens. Like, I don't think it's going to be. I don't think there's. We have the social evolution to handle this.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[A]

As Morrissey said, it's easy to laugh, it's easy to hate, it's tough to be gentle and kind.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I didn't know that line.

[A]

That's a good line.

[B]

I thought that was the monkeys.

[A]

Well, they're all the monkeys.

[B]

They're all the monkeys to me, baby.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let me ask you. So you got remarried. We also have. Your mom died. These are big topics.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which one. Which one do you want?

[A]

Well, I'll tell you about. I was thinking about this the other day. The other day being this morning. My mom died last April, and I, I have, I have not. I've yet to cry. Like when she'd been ill for a long time, so it was not a surprise. But when my dad called me and said, your mom died last night, I just went, huh.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

But I live. I have three daughters and. I have three daughters and a wife.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

In my home, someone cries every day.

[B]

There's a lot of cry.

[A]

It's just crying.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Big feelings.

[A]

Yeah. Big feelings all the time.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I, I couldn't cry. I couldn't cry. In a crime contest.

[B]

You got a. Huh?

[A]

I can't cry. I just, it's like.

[B]

And what, what is the feeling? Numb.

[A]

Yeah. And it was a slow. I mean, it was a slow walk. I mean, she'd been in a. She, she, she did not know who I was for four or five years, so.

[B]

So she was dead to you?

[A]

She was. She's dead for a long time. Yeah. No, I am mad at her. You're right. You're absolutely right.

[B]

Wait, is that true?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

For dying.

[A]

Yeah. And for not knowing who I was.

[B]

All of that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's hard, right?

[A]

I mean, well, it's intellectual versus emotional. I know that it's not her faul. But I'm, I'm like, see? You never love me. See?

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

You know, And I had.

[B]

Oh, wait. When she didn't know who you were, you took that as a. Unconsciously, you never loved me.

[C]

That. Yes.

[B]

I knew it.

[A]

Yeah. I knew because I'm. Because of my bmi. She doesn't love me because I'm fat. Yeah. No, but that's absolutely true. I was like, see? You know, and, and I, So I, I, I talk about my mom dying in my act.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And the, the law. It's so funny how comedy works. This used to be the line I would say to get into the bit. I recorded the special, and at the end of my special, I was out of material and I panicked and I went into that comedian hands. Hands are funny. What's funny about hands? Like, just anything.

[B]

You go to the zoo hoping there's gotta be something.

[A]

Follow a garbage truck. What's going on with these guys? And, and then I said, no, what's gonna happen is I'm gonna live my life. Stuff's gonna happen, and they'll talk about it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And two days later, my mom died. Like, I don't need new material that badly.

[B]

It's very funny.

[A]

Audiences just crater.

[B]

Really crater.

[A]

And then I would have to dig out of it.

[B]

I want to clean it up. You go, my mom died. Which is great, because I needed new material.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's the one line.

[A]

The better way to do it.

[B]

I'm not sure.

[A]

No, but what's so funny was. That was Crater. Then I came up with another line.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Which gets a laugh. And. And the audience then goes into the bit much lighter and it's much more funny just because I changed the. In. Just because they changed. This is very inside baseball comedy craft stuff. But it was just. Just because it should. And what it is, I'm talking about, you know, I do the thing about the Internet, and I said, you know, my mother was a big Trump fan, and just before the election, she died. Ha ha. And that. Yeah. But that gets a huge laugh because it's not a. It's just about. I don't know for why one and not the other. Which is kind of thing about comedy is you still don't know what's going to work and what's not going to work.

[B]

And there's. I mean, we could talk about that for 45 minutes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The. The power dynamics of that joke. Mother is introduced, death is introduced, and then, like, I don't know, broken expectations, how life works. What are we assuming about your mother? That she was an old woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who loved Trump. So she was probably not very nuanced and was very, like, kind of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then she didn't get to see the ceremony.

[A]

Yeah. But, yeah, it's just like, I think the Haha. I did a funny. I did a thing I thought was funny, which was I took the frame from the Zapruder film.

[B]

Okay. Which frame?

[A]

The. The 218. Like the head going kablooey.

[B]

You know the number.

[A]

Well, I think it's frame 218. Yeah. And then I put a dialogue balloon over Jackie going, haha. And sent it to some friends, and everyone to a man was horrified.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's horrifying. That's truly horrifying.

[A]

It was so funny.

[B]

Wait, why? Because Jackie didn't like him.

[A]

Like, I need help. What's the last thing on earth she would do in that moment?

[B]

Okay, that helps. That tone of haha.

[A]

Helps. That sort of the Ralph. Yeah, Ralph. Wicked them.

[B]

But Nelson.

[A]

Nelson Muntz.

[B]

Nelson. All right, so when your mom died and it took you a while to process and you still have.

[A]

I don't have it.

[B]

And you haven't processed it.

[A]

I haven't processed. Yeah.

[B]

What do we do?

[A]

I don't think any of us have.

[B]

You don't Know if we can.

[A]

Yeah. And I find it. Here's the thing that. And I talk again. Like I'm not, like, running material, but. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The. And I've said this. You know, the thing about having your mother die is it gives the other members of your family an opportunity to disappoint you in ways you never thought imagined.

[B]

Yes. I remember this.

[A]

And everybody was just caught flat footed. Like, nobody.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We didn't have a funeral. And it was just like, can we. Can we do something?

[B]

Well, and then you're in California, and.

[A]

I'm in California, but I. And she. She's on the mantle. She's in the living room.

[B]

Still no ceremony.

[A]

We had a wake. We had a wake at the house, like, a while later. But she was cremated and she's in the. In the house. I don't understand that at all. I don't understand. I don't understand keeping ashes in the house or scattering them in different places.

[B]

Tell me why.

[A]

I just, like, if that's their body, I think they want to be together.

[C]

That.

[B]

Well, that's true.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We'll put the arms in the Chesapeake.

[A]

Yeah. I don't understand. I don't get that at all.

[B]

It's a weird blend. You're a coffee bag. You're a bag of coffee grounds now.

[A]

And this is. I say this in my act, and it's a joke that I put on Twitter that was stolen by Beige Cardigan and made into a popular meme. But I do it anyway out of stubbornness.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Which is, you have to have a plan for your aftercare.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And mine is, I told my children I want my remains scattered along Mulholland Drive, but I don't want to be cremated. Just chunks. I want to stay a source of excitement.

[B]

Just junk.

[A]

Just chunks. But that was turned to. They changed when I. Chunks. I tweeted. And this was like, 2012, when I die, I want my remains scattered on a beach, but I don't want to be cremated. And then beige cardigan.

[B]

Like, it was Beige cardigan.

[A]

It was one of those. It was one of those Twitter feeds that would just steal people's jokes and make memes out of them. And then they had so many followers, they would charge and they made money. Yeah. And it was. They changed. I want my remains scattered at Disneyland, but I don't want to be cremated. And then, you know, they made a lot of. So when I do that, dude. Oh, it's a meme. Like, yes, it's mine.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I hate every part of that.

[A]

Yeah. Can I. Can I be arrogant and tell you something else? That's mine.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Old man yells at cloud.

[B]

Old man yells at cloud. Which is a. Simpson.

[A]

Abe Simpson. Yeah. Which is now enter the vernacular. It's like when people complain about stuff, it's old man yells at cloud.

[B]

Wait, But I'm trying to remember.

[A]

It was a headline in the Simpsons. It was a picture of grandpa screaming at the sky.

[B]

It's in the newspaper.

[A]

Yeah. Old man yells at cloud. And it was. It was based on my dog Bella, who would go back and my wife would go, what's Bella do? I just barking at the clouds. And then we needed a thing in the Simpsons, I went, oh, man yells a cloud. And they'd kind of get. It has its own life. It's like Richard Lewis is from hell. The dentist from hell.

[B]

Is that real, though?

[A]

That's Richard Lewis.

[B]

Does he really.

[A]

Yeah, that's absolutely him. That was his.

[B]

That I was like, come.

[A]

No, absolutely true.

[B]

You absolutely was the first one.

[A]

He absolutely made it popular. He. Because I would see him on Letterman.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It was. It was a. David was a dentist from hell. It was a dentist from hell.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nobody else did it. That was. That was Richard Lewis 100.

[B]

Unbelievable.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who made the homer going backwards through the hedge? I don't know.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

That seems like. I think that was a later episode.

[A]

It might have been a later.

[B]

That doesn't seem like something that would have happened.

[A]

George Meyer usually would come up with. The better would be the one that. The visual gag or just, like, the. The joke that you never like. We were. We were doing a thing once. He came up with my cat's breath smells like cat food, which is just like. You just kind of like, stand back and clap.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

We were working, and it was a thing. It's called the Rube Goldberg, where, like, Homer falls off a building and he hits a flagpole and bounces onto a balcony and bounces onto a. Whatever those things are called. An awning. And. And we didn't know how to end it. It.

[B]

My father went the same way. Naked Gun. And the parade goes over and he goes.

[A]

My father went the same way. Amazing. Amazing. I love when he goes. Every. Every place I look, I think of her. And it shows that I think of.

[B]

That every time I drive by there. I just found out, though, that the Naked Gun, speaking of stealing, stole a lot of their stuff.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Did it really put it in YouTube? If you want to ruin your favorite movie. But that was kind of. I'm not there's.

[A]

A new one coming out with Liam Neeson.

[B]

Oh, that'll be great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm sure they won't do that. There was just a lot.

[A]

No, it's.

[B]

I. Oh, you work.

[A]

I was involved in it.

[B]

Oh, good.

[A]

It's very funny.

[B]

They. I mean, they have receipts, as the kids like to say. You can find the clip from Spy Hard or whatever.

[A]

Oh, funny.

[B]

Where they're stealing the. And it's a little bit like, what happened to you with your meme? It's like there are people that are like, have the ball and they're running and they're like, we'll just take that. No one will stop.

[A]

Right?

[B]

We'll get it out, out. And. And then in 2025, there'll be a YouTube about it. Right?

[A]

No one cares. They don't care. So we. We were trying to. We were trying to solve this thing, and George was just like, come up, folks. Come on, guys. And it was getting late, and.

[B]

Isn't the Simpsons writer.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And we're, like, looking. And he goes, it's not written on the ceiling, people.

[B]

That's very funny. That's very funny.

[A]

And then finally, just like, like, in disgust, he was just like, all right. It. All right. Homer bounces off the flagpole, falls into the back of a dump truck, but it's full of marshmallow fluff. So he sighs and he's relieved. And then a bunch of scorpions come out of the marshmallow fluff and sting him. Like that was his. Like, I'm so disgusted. We'll just do this.

[B]

That's his protest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did that make it?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's what happens. Oh, my God.

[A]

And I'm like, I wouldn't have. I could have been there a year and I wouldn't have come up with that.

[B]

That is very. That's a very special kind of mind.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So it was. Watching him work was really great.

[B]

A wonderful and easy way to support the show is to go to livinglibations.com weird and get some skin care, get some eye care, teeth care, baby care, sunblock. You could even, even just get like a tongue scraper, something small. Or do what me and Valerie did, which is a complete medicine cabinet beauty cabinet overhaul. Because living Libations makes incredibly effective, high end, beautifully packaged and very, very powerful effective skin beauty care. Stuff that is not filled with random chemical nightmare toxicity levels never intended for human consumption. Because I had been careful for many years about what I put in my body in terms of food or drinks, but I wasn't careful about what I put on my body. I thought things at malls and kiosks that have French names mean they're good and good for you. They're not. They're filled with so many chemical random bull that makes its way into your bloodstream and is not healthy for you or your body. Living Libations is here to help all that with incredibly effective, incredibly beautifully packaged, incredibly long lasting and very badass stuff with ingredients you can pronounce and that you will recognize. It is skin care, it is hair care, it is eye care, it is mouth, gums, teeth, everything. Sun care for the babies that you can feel good about putting on your kids or yourself. I love their best skin ever moisturizer. I bought a bottle of that about two years ago and I'm still using the same bottle. This is a great way to support your healthy skin, your healthy body, your healthy kids, healthy sun care, whatever you need that you're putting on your body. Living Libations has a replacement product for it. Support your body, support the show. One of our longest sponsors. We love them. I genuinely think you will love them as well. For 15% off go to living libations.com weird. That's living libations.com weird. For 15% off. Speaking of watching people work, you worked with Jim Henson and we. I have a bit about Jim Henson right now and it made me.

[A]

It's so great.

[B]

You told me. I appreciate it. You told me about meeting him. I was very interested.

[A]

I worked with him for a couple weeks.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Right before he passed.

[A]

It was like the weeks. Yeah, the week before he died. Two weeks before he died. And then he was very nice. He was, he was. I. I've been very, very, very lucky. I've worked with Jim Henson. I worked with Mel Brooks and. And I mean, I met everybody, but I've worked with those guys like for a prolonged period of time. Like. Yeah, they became Jim and Mel, you know, and. And both of them were everything you wanted them to be.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

You know, they weren't nobody. Nobody. Disappointed. Yeah.

[B]

That's beautiful.

[A]

Yeah, it is great. It's. It. You know, they, it was great. And, and also Adam west was just everything. Everything.

[B]

I feel like he's a guy who understood how people saw him. Like it understood what people might be thinking. It would be fun. That Adam West.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And I think it came around to that. I think it took him a while to come around to that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But the story I tell was on the. It was on the Simpsons and he Was. It was a flashback to where Krusty was a Batman villain and he voiced Batman and he came in and we were just like, it's Adam West. And I'm sure you've seen. Look well. Oh, look well is the pilot that Robert Smigel and Conan O'Brien wrote for Adam. Yeah, it's on YouTube. Yeah, watch. Look well, it's on YouTube. It's. It's astounding. And the. And the. The reason wasn't picked up was like, we don't know how there'll be episode two. Oh, wow. But when you watch it, you can almost see why. Because it was like Naked Gun. It's so dense. And. But so they said to Adam, we just need. We did his dialogue and it's like, we just need some. And just, you know, all Batman lines. You pernicious polyachi of perfidy. Like, he had all that stuff. And then we go, all right, Crusty's tied you up. And we. You're struggling, so we just need some grunts and groans like you're struggling in vain. Yeah, okay. And then instead of grunting and groaning, he goes, struggling in vain. We were just like, yeah, it's like the master. The master.

[B]

And you use that.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I was like, well, that's fantastic. Yeah, that's fantastic. I imagine you haven't seen a ghost. You don't seem like a guy who's seen a ghost. You seem like a guy who, if he saw a ghost, would. He didn't see a ghost.

[A]

It's funny. I had this conversation with my sister after my mother passed. My sister, who's. Did you watch the Sopranos?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Imagine Janice Soprano.

[B]

I already was there, but without all.

[A]

The elegance and sophistication. Now you have my sister.

[B]

What a great line.

[A]

What a great. So my sister says to me, you know, I really feel Ma's presence in the house. You know, like, I really feel her presence. And I go, you couldn't do a.

[B]

Voice that put her down more? That impression is such a slam.

[A]

Just wait. You know, I really feel my impressions. And then I say, like a. Like a ghost? No, like an angel. Like, she's angel in the house. Well, you're describing a ghost. And then we got into a 25 minute screaming argument over what job mom got in heaven. You know, it's like. You know, it's like this is just a coping mechanism. We don't know what happens. We don't know where she is.

[B]

So you were firm. No ghost.

[A]

I. I'm totally open to It, I, I, you know, I, I hope, you know, there's, you know, ghost, Bigfoot, the Hulk. I hope they're all real. No, I, here's my attitude in all honesty. And it's my, and it's my attitude towards devout atheists. It's like, all I know is I don't know. And, and, and, and, and the device. And I have very good friends that are hardcore devout atheists.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, so your attitude is you're so dumb, you think you know what happens after you die.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I know what happens.

[C]

Right.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Nothing. Well, you don't know that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You, you, you can't say that.

[B]

Right. Life is an absurd mystery. What's to say there isn't more?

[A]

Yeah. And I believe in, like, like, you know, you can leave an energy behind or, you know, how, you know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And the, the analogy, I was like, my dog cannot comprehend my computer.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But they can be in the same room at the same time.

[B]

Right, right, right. That's right.

[A]

Doesn't mean my computer doesn't exist to my dog.

[B]

That's right. And you can order your dog dog food. I do.

[A]

And I do.

[B]

And I do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I loved your joke about the pleasure chest, which is a sex toy shop here in Hollywood. And you go, don't these people have the Internet?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, who wants to browse for dildos in a brick and mortar?

[A]

Apparently a lot of, A lot of people don't. A lot of people don't care. This is, you know, I am very, you know, I was very, you know, Irish Catholic, repressed. My parents didn't have the same bedroom when I was a kid. Like, I did not grow up with a healthy attitude. Attitude towards sex at all. And when I was a kid, my father subscribed to Hustler, which is for.

[B]

Those who don't know.

[A]

Yeah. For those who don't know, don't investigate.

[B]

Hustler is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a click down from Club International.

[A]

Yeah. Or Swank. Or we. Yeah. It's like, don't, It's. Yeah. Don't invite. Yeah. If, if you work with cold cuts and have a propensity to scream, don't investigate. And I had access.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I had access to that long before I should have. And it did damage.

[B]

Oh, you mean it was coming with the bills.

[A]

It was just right up. Yeah. And it was just. And we knew where it was. And it was just way too much, too soon. Oh, God. And my mom would know when we were in my dad's day like when five kids go upstairs and it's quiet.

[B]

Yeah. You know, go look at the Hustler.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Together.

[A]

Well, no, but it would be like we all grab one. There was a stack, you know, you'd go off keeping the package. Yes. And my mother would always say, whatever you're doing up there, all of your relatives up in heaven are watching you. Like, my question, how is that heaven? Like, hey, you want to go over to Abe Lincoln's house? Well, I like to, but my nephew is going to rub one out. I should probably stay and watch. I have to watch my nephew Jack in it. But he just did it. I know. He's 13. I can't leave the house.

[B]

That's that great bit of your guardian angel is like, what are you looking at on the computer?

[A]

Yeah. Not again. Yeah. I could have learned a language.

[B]

Which brings us to. You have to tell the Robin Williams story. Do you remember the one you told me at Largo? It was when you were talking about how he was aware that celebrities, when they would go on stage, would get a tape.

[A]

Oh, yeah. So great. Yeah. So great. Robin. And he's one of those people that. A handful of people that I like. I'm sure you have the same thing.

[B]

A hairy handful.

[A]

A kid you can't believe. Well, Robin. Yeah.

[B]

Shaved him for Hook.

[A]

He looked.

[C]

He.

[A]

Yeah. Bobcat, who was Robin's best friend, tells a story about how Robin went to visit. And this is something I talk about in my. Coco the gorilla. And Robin visited Coco the gorilla.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And Coco wanted to take Robin into the back room.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And Robin said to the keeper, what would happen? And the keeper said, anything Coco wants. But it was. But anything with a shirt off. You know, with a shirt off. Robin looks like a gorilla.

[B]

That's right. I mean, Coco wasn't far off.

[A]

Yeah. He was. Her suit.

[B]

But is that a word that means Harry.

[A]

Harry. Her suit.

[B]

Yeah, Our suit.

[A]

H I R S U I T E. Her suit. No, U T S U T E. Her suit.

[B]

Her suit. He was a very.

[A]

Her suit individual.

[B]

That's always followed by Harry.

[A]

Harry.

[B]

It's never been picked up.

[A]

Never. And. But you know, but who's like, who's somebody that you can't believe you're friends with?

[B]

Well, Jed Apatow is one of my dear.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's a very good friend. Yeah.

[B]

That's definitely a person that I'm.

[A]

Yeah. You're like emails from Judd Apatow.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, when I remember seeing the 40 year old virgin poster on Canal street is huge. Billboard notes was like, oh, my. Like, it ch. Changed my life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I couldn't believe somebody was making something that funny.

[A]

Yeah. I introduced Judd to Ben Stiller, and six weeks later, he was my boss.

[B]

You said to Judd, not me. This better looking version.

[A]

Ben, I want you to meet my smarter friend.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

You.

[B]

You found your replacement.

[A]

Yeah, no, we've. We. I've known him for a long time. Jed and I were both. Jed and I were both friends with a brilliant comedian named Kevin Rooney. And it was through knowing Kevin that I knew Judd from a. For a very early age.

[B]

What happened to Kevin Rooney?

[A]

Kevin passed about two years ago. But Kevin was. Was completely hysterical. Yeah. He was one of those guys that was like, not hugely famous, but every great comedian from that generation, like Bill Maher and Seinfeld and Leno, there are like, well, Rooney. Like, he was the guy at the table. Rooney.

[B]

That's the phenomenon. There's more than Rooney. There's always the black and white photo. And it's Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal and someone you may not know.

[A]

Yeah. Who is the funniest?

[B]

Who was always the funniest?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kevin invented the rant for Dennis Miller. I don't want to go off on a rant here. That was Kevin.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

He was the head writer on Dennis's show. But. So Robin was one of those people for me. Like, I can't believe that. Robin. Yeah, I know him. I get emails from him and he comes to see me.

[B]

Did he have a funny email?

[A]

No, it was very nondescript. Oh, really? But he would come to see me at the Punchline. We. I just have known it for a long time. So. And Robin knew that when you're super famous and you go on stage, people will laugh at anything for 10 minutes.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it dies, and you have to really be funny. And that's just the way it is.

[B]

The grace period.

[A]

Yeah, the grace period. But the grace period does wear off. And he was on stage once at the Punchline, and he told a joke that just tanked and he went, 10 minutes already. But I remember I was performing at Cobb.

[B]

So you tell time.

[A]

Yeah, by the grace. I'm sorry.

[B]

I thought it was like, ha ha, ha, ha ha. Fun.

[A]

He was. I remember I was performing at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, and the club owner said, when you're done, because Rick Overton's gonna come over and he wants to do a set.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, well, I'm headlining. I.

[B]

Okay, you Know, it's like, well, I'm the headliner.

[A]

Yeah. So you think. You think that would be the end of the show, but. Okay. And I love Rick, so it didn't matter. So I go, I'll please welcome a really good friend of mine with a special guest, Rick Overton. So Rick comes on stage and Robin is with him.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And I go, oh. And then I. I go to walk off, and Robin grabs me and he goes, no, we're doing improv. Oh, no, I don't. I get so anxious doing improv.

[B]

So I was like, dinner, stay.

[A]

No, I had to. And I was like, me, Robin and Rick.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah, it was. I mean, I, I. No one knew that I was awful and terrible, but it was just, like, flew by. Yeah. But you don't want to. It's just like. It's like, hey, want to spar? I don't know, Mr. Ali.

[B]

Yeah, maybe not. I opened for Rick Overton 20 years ago. @ the end of the show, he would have both of us come up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do improv with him. And we were like, what?

[A]

Yeah, these guys.

[B]

School.

[A]

It's a totally different school. And you know, like. And these guys, I really admire them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

These improv bastards that could just. Just go. I get so anxious.

[B]

I. Well, it's funny because then I remember it was me and my friend Darren Boedecker and Rick Overton. These are great names. And we would do like, world's worst. So name a profession. And then you'd say, yeah, you do a reason why you're the worst one. And they were all, you know, you do Ray Charles. You gotta do Ray Charles is most of them. And you just sing. You got the right one, baby. Which was a Diet Pepsi.

[A]

Oh, my God, you're right.

[B]

So you just go, you got the right one, baby. And then, like, we did that on Thursday, and then on Friday we're doing it, and like, a lot of the same ones would come back and you'd do them again. And I'd feel guilty because I was. I also love doing improv, and I wanted to be a real improviser. And Rick was just like, club pro.

[C]

He had.

[B]

He had a term for it.

[A]

Club pro.

[B]

You just do it. Club Prof. You do it. You have the line. Do it. And I was like, that was something that Rick and I think Robin too, for sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have a bag of tricks. Who cares if everyone wants to be tricked? It's not a trick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a strategy.

[A]

They gotta get. Yeah. They gotta.

[B]

To note on your Guitar.

[A]

Yeah. And they know. They. The audience doesn't know.

[B]

Nobody cares.

[A]

You brought something to my. I was thinking about on the way here because I saw a bench ad. You talking about Ray Charles?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a guy that climbed Mount Everest blind.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Do we know he wasn't just on the roof? Like, would his friends be just like, I don't really want to go to Everest.

[B]

Oh, that has the picture of him.

[A]

Yeah. Well, here we are. Here we are in Mount Everest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's only been an hour. Oh, you're very good.

[B]

You're very good.

[A]

I worked with a. I worked with a guy two nights ago. It was in this club I was performing at. Game. Pepper Lang, black comic. And the reason I say that is because he had his joke. He goes, thank God for white people. Thanks to white people, I know what's on the top of every mountain.

[B]

It's very funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's such a joke. Now we know.

[A]

Yeah, that's such a great joke. It's like. Yeah. Yeah. I can't argue it.

[B]

That is so good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dana, where. This has been a delight. Oh, my God. It's already 12:30, which is when I'm. I should head back in case my daughter. She's been bailing on her after school activity, which I think is so sweet. She has the teacher call me and I go pick her up early, which is what I used to do when I was little.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And it meant so much. Everyone knew it was bullshit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it was this little way to love. When you get love.

[A]

Here's. Here's my question.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

When you would go home.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What was the. Was it always the same? When you would have a sick day, was it always the same movie?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What was the movie? Three amigos for me. McKenna's gold. It was always McKenna's gold. McKenna's gold. Which is this old random movie with.

[B]

You, sir, have given me a gift today. Yes. When you have to pick a movie you can watch in front of your mom. I'd watch like, the Time Machine.

[A]

Oh, sure. Old movie. Yeah.

[B]

And would love it. Or I'd watch the first Captain America movie. I don't mean Chris Evans. I mean the really old.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. The really old one. Yeah.

[B]

90, early 80s maybe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But that was a genre of movie. The Sick Day movie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you'd get the same one.

[A]

Yeah. It was always the same one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Always the same.

[B]

And I watched Three Amigos now. And I'm like. I kind of feel like I should be eating saltines.

[A]

That's Great.

[B]

That's a great observation though. I feel like you. If you need material, the. The Sick Day movie, it's so funny.

[A]

You talk about. I know we gotta go, but like we were. I was on the road this weekend and. And we have a. We were in Honolulu. I was in Honolulu and my wife's friend lives there and she has a six year old daughter and single mom, Dad's a pos. He's nowhere around. And this girl, she's six and she doesn't get picked up much because she has a mom.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And she wanted to get picked up, carried around. So I spent the weekend carrying her around.

[B]

Cute.

[A]

Yeah. And boy, am I feeling it because you forget those that, that like when my kids were growing up, my right side was like freakishly strong. And now my neck and shoulder on my other side are screaming, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm. When I get a massage, which isn't very often, I just say I have a six year old and they're like, yeah, yeah, say no more.

[A]

What arm do you use? Yeah, it's right up this whole. Yep.

[B]

There's like right in the neck. There were mutants in X Men and stuff that would have like the gargantuan left arm. That's how I feel. And my daughter will climb in bed and sleep on this arm. So it's the same arm that holds her. It's probably why she likes it. She's like being held and I'm like, this arm is jacked.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't be muscular.

[A]

The other side is up.

[B]

No, no flapping in the breeze. I got one Kermit arm. I got Kermit French fry fingers on this arm. And I got Kumail arm on this side.

[A]

You have Kumail and Jonah in the same body.

[B]

Very, very good. Dan. I could talk to you all day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel bad that I have to go.

[A]

I know exactly where you're going.

[B]

Exactly right. Your special.

[A]

It's called Perfectly normal.

[B]

Perfectly normal. And it's fantastic.

[A]

Oh, thanks so much.

[B]

And I always like to give this on YouTube compliment. It's on YouTube. When it's true is I put it on to research. But the truth is I was driving and I had a very stressful morning and it was just, you know, I'm solo parenting. My wife is in San Francisco for a little birthday trip. And even when you get up early and you're behind the ball, it doesn't matter. There's something about like caring so deeply about this child and being alone.

[A]

Sure. Oh, I know, I know. I know the feeling.

[B]

Yeah. Everybody that knows that sensation. So it doesn't matter how well I tried to do. I was tense by the time I dropped her off. There's a real like. And now I'm driving to LA and I'm, like, noticing I'm in a bad mood. And I was like, I need a laugh. Which is such a beautiful thing, when we can get in touch. I'm not saying with stress. I'm stressed all the time, but like, when I can go like, wait, I think this is the kind of knot that comedy could untie. And you put it on. Not to research, just to enjoy it. To enjoy it. And I laughed the whole time.

[A]

Oh, that's great.

[B]

And I never, never even thought about turning it off.

[A]

And I also think it's because. And tell me if I'm wrong. You enjoy me the way I would enjoy you. We don't do the same thing.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I won't. I'll give you an example. I won't listen to Patton.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

For pleasure.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because Patton and I are. We're both heavy metal bands.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I don't say. I'm not ragging on.

[B]

I have a shot to enjoy you and you have a shot to enjoy.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. I'm just like. Cuz when I hear Pat, everything he says, like, ah, damn it. I want. God damn it.

[B]

That's how I feel about Rory. Rory Scoville.

[A]

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But I have a harder time.

[A]

And that's why you killed Meanie.

[B]

Did you see my face? I didn't even know what you meant.

[A]

I was like, what?

[B]

Well, yeah, Kevin Meanie. This is the lineage of the silly boys.

[A]

Another one bites the dust.

[B]

The silly. The silly, silly boys. That it is harder for me to watch Kevin Meaney, especially somebody who's better at it than I am. Like, really tapping into a silly place.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That guy was a savant. Rory. Every bit Rory does. I go, God damn it.

[A]

Yeah, that's it.

[B]

And if I'm ever. If I'm ever in doubt of a joke or a special title or anything, Val will say, imagine if Rory did it. And I go, it helps me see that the joke is good. I'm like, if Rory did it, I would love it. Sometimes I'm just tired of myself. And I go, like, if I could see someone else like Roy do it, I would love it.

[A]

You know what? I do. And I know we gotta go. I know, but same thing. Same thing, but different. The. The most nervous I ever get is when you're doing a talk show like Conan or Tonight show or something. And you're behind the curtain waiting to go on.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're alone.

[B]

Union guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Curtain. Curtain.

[A]

Right. And you're alone, and you're gonna go out and you're gonna be the only thing on television on that channel.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you gotta. And even though you have cue cards, you're frantically trying to remember your act.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And what I would do, what I learned to do, is I would pretend that I was George carlin in the 70s.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

When he was on the Tonight show, like, every four days. And it was such a effortless thing for him that he would just, like, stand, wait, think about what. He's gonna go home, have a bag of Fritos in the car, whatever he's gonna do.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he would go out and it would just. It would get me out of my own body for that.

[B]

I love that minutes.

[A]

And then it would open up and then like, oh, I'm here now. I can work.

[B]

Symbols.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This. This is the power of not to tie it. Force it back to what we were talking about earlier, but becoming like a. A simple solution to a very complicated.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes there's a good version of that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would go out and now I'm pushing my own pickup for my daughter. She'll be fine. She won't. She's gonna make it through aftercare. She's not gonna call. But I. When I was going out into Manhattan, which was very scary, believe it or not.

[A]

Oh, no. I feel the same way.

[B]

Yeah. I.

[A]

Going into Manhattan, horribly nervous in New.

[B]

York to this day, I never was that comfortable. It was always weird, especially at the.

[A]

Beginning, being under the hood of a truck.

[B]

Perfect. Perfect. Exactly right. And the show doesn't start till 10:30, and you're taking the train. And you'd go in and I'd be nervous. And sometimes I'm handing out flyers to do it, all this stuff. And I'd go like, I'm Batman. I know that sounds crazy.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

But I'd be like, Batman would go into the city at night.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And it'd make people feel better.

[A]

Yep. And I get it. And I got it completely.

[B]

And I think this is why we need these symbols. Carlin and even Bob Dylan. Who's that? Yeah. There he is. That's exactly Batman. Batman. That's why that's there. No one's ever pointed that out. That's it. We need symbols and we need good standards and we need craftsmen. See how I did that, like yourself, that made such a great, special. Be proud.

[A]

I am.

[B]

And I'm glad that you have found just enough happiness to make a Boston guy think he might be happy.

[A]

That's exactly right.

[B]

Just a tolerable level.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Not too much.

[A]

Not. Yeah, you don't want to get. Don't.

[B]

Don't get gross with it.

[A]

Don't ask yourself.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. You just.

[B]

Just a little bit. Well, I'm glad you found it.

[A]

I try.

[B]

Thank you, Dana, for coming back.

[A]

Thanks for having me on, man.

[B]

Would you say keep it crispy? It's how we close.

[A]

Keep it crispy.

[B]

Thank you, my friend.