Eddie Ifft

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes: Eddie Ifft (Nov 1, 2023)

Overview

In this rich and freewheeling episode, Pete Holmes welcomes comedian Eddie Ifft for a wide-ranging conversation that dives into the secret weirdnesses, quirks, and philosophies of comedians and the comedy world. The theme circles around vulnerability, stand-up culture, fame, therapy, how comedy has shifted in the age of social media, and the ever-entertaining oddities and stories from both hosts’ lives. True to the show's spirit, the discussion moves organically from silly to deeply introspective, peppered with dark and playful humor.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Childhood, Trauma & Comedy’s Evolution

• Mandela Effect & Simulation Theory

  • The two discuss collective false memories ("Berenstain Bears," "We Are the Champions" misheard lyrics), using this as a springboard to talk about reality and belief systems.
  • Eddie: “I want the world to be magic. I want every conspiracy theory to turn out to be right. But I know they're not.” (09:13)

• Growing Up & Formative Weirdness

  • Eddie shares childhood stories involving school bus chases, teenage misadventures, and pranks gone wrong—relating them to the way comedians are often formed by early trauma, being outsiders, and finding humor as a defense.

Fame, Insecurity, and the Life of a Comic

• Struggles with Fame & Self-Doubt

  • “Fame is a mental illness.” (Pete, 22:58)
  • Eddie describes the double-edged sword of minor celebrity in Australia, saying the initial thrill quickly turns sour: “Day three, I’m like, how do I get rid of this?” (23:23)

• Impostor Syndrome & Peer Comparison

  • Both comedians reflect on their insecurities regardless of success, with Pete noting, “We’re never that far from the feeling that we’re done.” (26:21)
  • They compare stand-up to golf—where one great set makes you feel invincible and a bad one makes you question your life choices. (27:01)

The Changing Face of Stand-Up

• Shift from Intention to Outcome

  • Eddie laments comedy’s transition from artistry to metrics:
    • “Comedy has switched from intention to outcome. It used to be about sitting around talking jokes; now, it’s all about microphones, editing software, and viral videos.” (43:13–47:52)
  • Pete echoes the concern: “People are talking to comedians more because all we’re posting are these fuckin’ bullshit clips that aren’t funny.” (48:52)

• Social Media, Open Mics, and “Crowd Work”

  • Both note that open mics now focus more on camera equipment than on material, contrasting it with their days of “joke talk” and reverence for standup craft.
  • Pete: “Every show I do is crowd practice—for you, the crowd, to sit there and be a crowd… That’s your practice." (49:44)

• Advice from Industry Veterans

  • Legendary manager “Baby Doll” (James Dixon) and other veterans’ core advice: “Be undeniable. Just be undeniable.” (59:24)

The Comedy Community, Ritual, and Hazing

• Rough Culture of New York Comedy
  • “It was the meanest thing. So mean. Every conversation was either mean or like a story a pirate would tell.” (Pete, 31:37)
  • The culture used to revolve around “hazing,” from peer teasing to tough green room banter, and both agree they’ve outgrown that approach: “I went through it but I don’t want anybody to have to do that again.” (32:08)
  • Legendary tales include Bill Burr “waiting to share a putdown” at Pete’s expense—described as “ritualistically reenacting childhood trauma.” (34:02)

Therapy, Mental Health & Quirks

• Anxiety, Catastrophizing & Therapy

  • Eddie discusses cleithrophobia—a fear of being trapped, which keeps him from wearing rings or riding elevators.
    • “My kids are old enough now that they’re starting to make fun of me… I have to fix this quickly because I’ve gotta make them feel safe.” (83:09)
  • Both explore EMDR and EFT therapy techniques, and Pete frames these phobias as “overthinking disorders.”

• Self-Acceptance and Emotional Survival Tricks

  • Pete references the "Four Agreements" and the importance of not taking things personally (63:41), while Eddie describes “8-miling it,” using comedy to control the narrative around personal vulnerabilities. (88:53)

Generational Shifts, Tech & The Future

• Technology, AI, and Knowledge
  • Pete and Eddie muse about how memorization and creative thinking might become obsolete as AI and brain devices provide instant answers—a potential end to traditional standup as we know it.
  • Pete: “She’s learning how to learn… That was always my defense of learning algebra. You’re learning how to learn.” (112:09)

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Comedy’s Purpose

  • “We have a generation that isn’t coming up through knife fights… and a lot of them are fabulous. But I see a shift from intention to outcome.” (Pete & Eddie, 43:13–43:54)

• On Social Media’s Influence

  • “Is there any way you can get the punchline and have it said in the first three seconds? …You guys do this—because it makes me sick to my stomach.” (Eddie, 44:10)

• On Childhood Trauma and Humor

  • “I call it Punky Brewstering… if I do it first, you can’t do it.” (Pete, 89:05)

• On Phobias & Parenting

  • “If I don’t feel safe, [my kids] won’t feel safe. So I really need to fix this.” (Eddie, 83:18)

• On the “Marketplace of Jokes” & Originality

  • “I’m really interested in the marketplace of jokes. You could watch it like a stock market.” (Pete, 104:07)

• On the Undeniability Mantra

  • “Ignore you until they can’t.” (59:37–59:49)

---

Memorable Storytelling Beats & Comic Anecdotes

• The Houseguest Poop Story

  • Eddie recounts a wild Venice, CA story involving Steve Byrne, a houseguest squatting under their cottage, stolen bikes and tools, and how it concludes with the guest leaving a “giant, steamy human shit” on Eddie’s doorstep as an act of revenge. (127:14–128:33)

• “Blitzkrieg” Generation & Comedy Circles

  • Amusingly, Pete and Eddie reference the comics who “blitzkrieged” the scene and missed each other by a few years in New York/Chicago (30:45–31:22).

• Mitch Hedberg Encounters

  • Both trade tales about the beloved, awkward genius—Eddie shares seeing Mitch bomb, who then tells the crowd, “No, no, stick to your guns. You did not like me.” (121:55)
  • Pete describes an awkward green room greeting from Mitch after a show (“Who are you? ...If she’s your wife, why is she up here?” 116:24)

---

Timestamps for Noteworthy Segments

• Mandela Effect & Simulation (06:27–09:13)
• Mormon Afterlife, Religion Bits (09:22–11:09)
• Open Mic & Fame in Australia (23:23–25:04)
• The Nature of Comedy, Comparing Notes (26:05–28:34)
• Why Open Mics Have Changed (43:13–48:05)
• Rituals & Hazing in Comedy (31:24–36:31)
• Parental Influence & Therapy Talk (80:00–83:11)
• Crowd Work and Social Media’s Downside (48:52–50:12)
• The House Poop Revenge Story (127:14–128:33)
• Mitch Hedberg Stories (112:58–122:27)

---

Tone & Language

The episode is a riotous blend of insight and absurdity—irreverent, confessional, and grounded in the unvarnished truthfulness characteristic of great stand-up. Both hosts are unguarded, self-mocking, and wisecracking throughout, with rapid-fire riffs giving way to longer, contemplative digressions on the state of humanity, the art of comedy, and personal vulnerability.

---

Conclusion

This episode is a quintessential “You Made It Weird” hangout: comedians trading scars, laughing at and with each other’s weirdness, and pondering how technology and time are changing the funny business. For fans of comedy, philosophy, and raw honesty—with plenty of filthy, memorable stories—this Eddie Ifft episode is must-listen. As ever, listeners are left with the earnest sign-off: “Keep it crispy.” (129:28)

Transcript

[A]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah, you made it weird. Yes, you made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[B]

What's happening, weirdos? This is Eddie Ifttt. Eddie Iftt, who I only really got to know the past couple months. We. We ran into each other at the Comedy Store when we were in the green room, and I had just the most effortless and hilarious and fun and interesting conversation with him then and just really vibed with him. And then I checked him out, did a deep dive, which you should as well. He's got lots of comedy albums and specials. Check him out on Spotify. Check out his podcast, which is called Talking's Hit. Like talking shit. Talking shit. He's wonderful. This is one of those did we just become best friends episodes. And I'm so glad it was effortless. Like a classic. Like a classic. You made it weird. So fun, so funny, so interesting. Let's. Let's dive in. Only a couple things to talk about. Up top. My special I Am not for Everyone is available now on netflix.com it's a website or an app. The support for that has been tremendous and I'm so proud of it and I really hope the weirdos like it. There's a lot of stuff in there that if you like this podcast, you'll probably like the special. I guarantee it. I don't know how you're going to hold me to that guarantee, but anyway, I'm also on Tour. Go to PeteHomes.com I'll be in DC, Brea, California and I believe. What else? They're all on PeteMes.com Go to Peterms.com it's going to be exciting. Val walking by in the bathroom background. Anyway, this episode is brought to us by our friends at Element, which I have right here, of course, because I start every morning with Element. What is it? It's zero sugar hydration. It's the perfect blend of sodium, potassium and magnesium that gets my neuro connectivity jump started in the morning, replenishes everything that I'm sweating out after I exercise. And honestly, it's a great way to wind down the day. I have this is the chocolate salt flavor. I drink this hot at night and something about it gives my body what I lost during the day and it keeps me from peeing at night. I don't know what's going on. I've heard that about sodium, but there's something about an element before bed that keeps me in the bed all night. So it's Water plus electrolytes. It's the perfect blend of scientifically optimized for that optimum ratio. It also tastes incredible, which makes drinking water more pleasurable. Watermelon salt is my favorite favorite of the fruit flavors. Orange salt is incredible. Try it after a run or a workout. It feels so good to flood your system with everything that it's craving. So it's like, you know, a zero sugar version of these popular even from the 80s electrolyte drinks. But a lot of those have like 30 grams of sugar. It's like drinking a coke. This is zero sugar. It's five calories. Makes fasting really, really easy. Feels fantastic. Feels wonderful. To get your body what it needs, healthy hydration isn't just water. It's water plus electrolytes. And element is the most delicious, fast, efficient and effective way to get that sodium, potassium and magnesium into you for health, performance and energy. Fight off fatigue, headaches, brain fog. It's incredible. Tastes wonderful. And we have a free sample pack which is awesome because you want to try all these flavors. There's like a habanero one which is strangely good, like a spicy one. It's incredible. So if you order with this promo code, go to drinklmnt.com weird and use promo code weird. You'll get the free element sample pack with any order. When you order, that's LMNT. So drink LMNT.com/weird promo code weird and you'll get that free sample pack. Trust me, you're going to love it. I absolutely love it. I'm a, I'm a subscriber and a believer and was before we started doing these ads. So I'm so happy to be working with them. Similar situation as our friends at on it and Alpha Brand. You guys know since pretty much the show's inception, I've been taking alpha brain by onnit 15 minutes before I do anything that involves my brain. Writing a script, doing a podcast, doing stand up, even just going out to a party. We went to a Halloween party. Take a couple Alpha Brain before I get there. Because if you want the full access to your brain, your memory, your creativity, your focus, your vocabulary, all of that stuff, Alpha Brain is earth grown ingredients. It's not a stimulant. It just gives your brain the nutrition that it needs to dial in and focus and to create. Even if it is just creating a conversation with friends at a party. But if you are doing work, like focusing work. God, I wish I knew about Alpha Brain in college. It would have made things a lot easier I'm so glad I know about it. Now go to onnit o n n I t.com weird promo code. Weird. 10% off. It changed my life. No exaggeration. Alpha Brain changed my life. I always have it with me in my car, in my bag, in my coat pockets. I swear by it. It helps you dial in. It's not like it doesn't get you edgy like caffeine. It's not like that just gives your brain. It's like giving it food. Giving fish food to your ideas. So go to onnit.com weird for 10% off. Everything you see on that landing page. Support your brain. Support the show. All right, everybody. Let's enjoy Eddie IFT together. Get into it. Get that microphone and tell. Tell everyone how your wife is too good.

[A]

Oh, you're just going right now, are you?

[B]

Yeah, but we can edit this out.

[A]

I always.

[B]

You want this?

[A]

No, I don't care.

[B]

When I plug your wife.

[A]

No. I can say anything about textile. My life is so transparent. I'm an open book.

[B]

Did you realize that the show Transparent was transparent? No, Transparent. It's like when you realize the Beatles is B E A T. It's like a joke on the beat. And Transparent was a transparent.

[A]

Oh, did you know that? Yeah, I didn't know that.

[B]

You're almost. It's almost like. No, like. You know what I mean? It's like too perfect, too easy. Too easy.

[A]

Do you know about the Mandela effect? Tell me the Mandela effect.

[B]

Oh, is this simulation theory that Mandela. I just learned in prison.

[A]

But there's so many of them. Have you ever gone over them all? Like magic mirror on the wall, Berenstein bears?

[B]

Yeah, I don't. I'll tell you, I. I love this. Thank you for the. Eddie brought a gift. Let that. Let that be known.

[A]

Yes. For all you future gift.

[B]

Oh, sorry. Your gifts are over there. This is modern mammal. And this is magic. Mind if you want to drink it? It's really great.

[A]

Is this the stuff? The mushroom stuff?

[B]

No, that is not the first person over there. That's mushrooms. Anyway, let's. Let's talk about simulation theory because that's all for you then. Thank you for this. I don't buy the Berenstain bears. Berenstein bears. You know what I mean?

[A]

I thought it was the Berenstain bears.

[B]

Of course it was the Berenstein bears. And I know it's spelled stain, but like it's also Pirates of the Caribbean.

[A]

I would have not.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? We Just agreed.

[A]

I would have caught Baron Stain as a kid. Yeah, stain, that word you're looking for every bad word.

[B]

Don't you remember when you read in.

[A]

School and you would turn into bad words?

[B]

How do you even spell Belstein? I think you're just going like. I guess that's pronounced the one that.

[A]

The one that got us.

[B]

Speaking of, do you see Turd and Saturday? Because if you're not seeing Turd and Saturday, simulation theory just went out the window.

[A]

I didn't see Turd and T U.

[B]

R D. So there you go, pal.

[A]

How about this one? Did you know Queen? The end of the song. We Are the Champions? We are the champions We.

[B]

No time for good.

[A]

There's no time for good, my friend.

[B]

It's not my friend. Yeah, it is my friend.

[A]

There is no my friend. Shut up. I swear to God.

[B]

We are the champions.

[A]

We are the champions. There's no my friend at the end.

[B]

Not at the end, but in the middle.

[A]

In the middle there is, but not at the end. And everybody sings it, my friend. But it's not there.

[B]

But because it's in the middle.

[A]

That's what I think.

[B]

I'm all here. I'm here for this.

[A]

No, I'm not. I'm against it.

[B]

You are.

[A]

I'm against it. And I think that's why. I think you've heard it so many times that you just keep saying it.

[B]

And misinformation like, well, mirror, mirror on the wall. That's the other.

[A]

Which one's that?

[B]

People say. So for people that don't understand what we're talking about, these are like. What would you call them? Mass Agreed. Mistakes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like large groups of people believe something wrong.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And people are like, well, that's because they're not wrong. It's kind of funny when you say it like this. It's because we live in a simulation and there was a glitch. But like, it's a really fun feeling. Like a stomach droppy the world is magic kind of feeling.

[A]

I want the world to be magic. I want all these things to happen. I want every conspiracy theory to turn out to be right.

[B]

Oh, sure.

[A]

But I know they're not.

[B]

I was just in Utah in my opener was like, God, I hope you're right. Like to be. Look, I might not be correct, but this was how the Latter Day Saint Mormon afterlife was explained to me. You get your own planet and your spirit wife and you populate it with spirit babies. And that's kind of what God did here. You get to be a God. But you do it by having celestial sex. And I was like, I hope you're right. I hope you are blowing space loads. And I was like, and Mormons don't have hell. If you don't believe, you just become one of their servants. And I was like, I'll happily bring you a Monte Cristo in between space loads. Are you kidding me?

[A]

I would love that.

[B]

And I'd be so happy. I'd be like, this is a great job. I bring snacks to this orgy. God.

[A]

But my problem with that is that John Smith.

[B]

Joseph.

[A]

Joseph Smith just came up with this. This was. There was. There wasn't a lot of input from other people.

[B]

I'm with you. And look, I don't happen to believe that the story is true, but you're.

[A]

Not wearing magical underpants.

[B]

I am, but it's a. It's a G string with a vibrator on my butthole. And I'm. That's the only way I can not come. The problem is I'm actually always coming. I don't know if you know this, but, like, I'm always just jizzing. I'm wearing. I'm wearing a garbage bag.

[A]

Could you imagine? Could you imagine if that was your thing?

[B]

Like, I have to stop myself from jizzing.

[A]

It's just like, I. I've had to learn Kegel exercises to stop from jizzing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm in a constant orgasmic state.

[B]

Some people are too sensy. Right.

[A]

Well, that's why you keep the foreskin.

[B]

The foreskin helps you have sex longer.

[A]

No less. If you have foreskin, you're more sensitive if you have covered and protected all the time. And then when it comes out to play. Yeah, it's because.

[B]

I was just gonna say, what is the evolutionary benefit of having sex longer? There's absolutely no benefit. In fact, having sex quickly would be rewarded evolutionarily because. So I live outside of the city, and people sometimes are mauled by wolves and stuff, and it's always when they're peeing. It's like a biker will pull off to the side of the road and take a leak. And animals know, you know, how your dog wants you to watch it while it poops. You know, everybody seems to have that joke that the dog, like, looks at you. He's saying, watch me because I'm vulnerable. Cause I'm shaking and I'm squatting and I'm vulnerable.

[A]

You just made me feel like such a hack, because I do have that joke. And I was, like, not a hack. It was One of those ones. I was like, no one has this joke. You know when you think, let me.

[B]

Put it this way.

[A]

Everyone has it.

[B]

No, I don't know. I think I've said it before, but I don't think it's hack.

[A]

I have the joke because my father in law. Hack judge my father.

[B]

You need to have hack judge.

[A]

My father in law pooped in a neighbor's lawn. Just pulled down his pants and pooped in a neighbor's lawn.

[B]

Why? For revenge or. He really had to go.

[A]

He had to go really badly. And he just dropped his drawer, which.

[B]

Means it was kind of loose. Probably it wasn't. Nobody really needs to let out a perfect poop.

[A]

But. But he did. The look, the dog look, the. The look at you real quick.

[B]

You just go. It was that. You acknowledge it wasn't. It was a bag of Skittles. But, I mean, he watched you to watch him.

[A]

I. But there had. We had to lock eyes. There was this moment of, well, yeah.

[B]

Also look out for the neighbor. I mean, you know what I mean? Like, we have other threats. Shame.

[A]

Well, I thought he was going to the neighbor's house to go knock on their neighbor like a normal human should. Even that I was worried about him going to a random neighbor and being like, hey, can I come. Can you imagine someone knocked on your.

[B]

Door and said, can I shit?

[A]

I need to come in your house and use your.

[B]

There's a face that we all know how to make, but we don't know how to do it on cue. Like, I couldn't do it right now, but if I really had to shit. And you go into a place where the bathrooms. There's a face.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like. And it's only for that. And it's. It's not just for when you need a bathroom and it's an employees only bathroom or whatever. It's a face that you make that says, like, I'm really not kidding. And I'm really. It's a subservient face. It's a face that says, I yield to that face.

[A]

Doesn't always work.

[B]

It never works.

[A]

I took that face.

[B]

It almost doesn't work.

[A]

I took that face into a place. I forget something. Pittsburgh Tavern or something on the top of Mount Washington. I would like to know their name so I could trash them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I took my daughter. We were home in Pittsburgh where I grew up, and I had my daughter and my son. And my daughter's like 8 years old. She's 8. So it was. It was just recently.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And there's nowhere to go at the top of Mount Washington that overlooks Pittsburgh. And I'm like, I'll take her to the bar across the street.

[B]

Wait, this is for her?

[A]

Yes. And I go in and it's a restaurant. Like, everybody's eating. And I gave the guy the look. Like, she had the look. I had the daddy look. Like, yeah, we need your bathroom, please.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the guy goes, sorry, can't use it. He goes, it's for customers only. And I was like, okay. And he goes, if you want to buy something. And it was a crowded restaurant.

[B]

And I was like, I'm dead inside right now.

[A]

That's what I felt like. It's one of those things. In those situations, I usually hand somebody too much money.

[B]

Oh. Just to say, fudge. You.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're like me. I'd go, here's $300.

[A]

And I guess you.

[B]

That's why.

[A]

And I hope. I hope this buys something that kills.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Go buy a motorcycle. Go buy a 3. A 300 motorcycle will definitely kill you. Go buy a crossbow.

[A]

You, yes. Drive right into an intersection today.

[B]

Because to me, the kid, an 8 year old. An 8 year old even, I'm gonna extend it up. Up until under 18. I'm gonna say up until 16. The kid, all rules go out the window. Yeah.

[A]

It felt like a kid has to go, I get it. This isn't a very touristy area where they probably get a lot of requests. But we both had the look.

[B]

The look, like this kid, the look has to go.

[A]

And it was so disheartened. My daughter was just like.

[B]

Like she should have father in law and pooped it on the lawn.

[A]

That actually would have been a great idea.

[B]

And she should have done it right there in the lobby. Can I buy my own shit back? How much for my own shit? Like, she shits on the floor and then goes, how much for this? Does this count as a purchase? And if it does, I'd like a receipt. I want you to type in blue ink on white paper, one human shit, dot, dot, dot, dot, Dot, $7. And please put a tip line because you're getting a big tip. You're getting a big tip for dealing with this. I'll tip 100%. You're getting 14 bucks.

[A]

I had a guy shit on my walk. Like, I had a neighbor or not a neighbor. There was a guy I used to live with, Steve Byrne.

[B]

I didn't know that. I love Steve.

[A]

Years ago, we lived in Venice together. We both moved to New York together and we're living in this cottage in Venice, like, half a block from the beach. And one day I come home, and there's a guy under the house. Like, he's going under this little. Like this little hutch. And I go, hey, excuse me. What are you doing? And he goes, oh, I. Your roommate said I could stay here. And I was like, okay. I was like, and Steve is always having guests. So I was like, you know what?

[B]

Steve was always having guests. Did you say to one of them they could live under the house? You're really Billy Goat Gruff. We're gonna let Billy go gruff. Live under the.

[A]

We had Joe Derosa. Enough. Now you're going with. Now you're going with.

[B]

See, that's the perfect place for Joe. I say that with full love. Joe would be like, I deserve this. And then put the grape back down. There's hoagie wrappers everywhere.

[A]

I'm making sandwiches.

[B]

Yeah, I'm making sandwiches. That's where Joey Rose's Sandwich Shop was born. Under a house.

[A]

So the guy's under the house. And I was like, okay. And every day I would come back and he'd be gone or something, and I wouldn't give it a little look, See what's going on? Every day he was adding to the. It was like, you know, under a Venice house.

[B]

Wait, did Steve cross? He could stay in the cross?

[A]

I think Steve said. I said, steve, did you tell this guy? And Steve goes, oh, I told him he could store some stuff there or something. And I went, okay. And the guy. The guy had one half white mustache.

[B]

Okay. If you have half a mustache, you're.

[A]

Gonna have to go, no, man's full mustache. Half of it was white.

[B]

Oh, full mustache and half white. So God gave him a weird look.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. I can look the other way on that.

[A]

That terrified me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anytime it's half.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I got Bell's palsy. I was like, God did that to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My face.

[B]

Well, it's a bit. Yeah. If it's only half, it's a bit.

[A]

That was God going, I'm bored today.

[B]

Here's some mold.

[A]

Half your face.

[B]

Did you get it from mold?

[A]

I think probably.

[B]

Yeah, probably from mold. New in New York.

[A]

No. That's funny you say that. We had mold in our house in Venice.

[B]

Is that in the Steve house?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That explains Steve's act.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm just kidding. I was just looking for a way to work in Steve.

[A]

Joe Derosa sandwich wrappers.

[B]

Cheese is mold. Cheese is mold. Your defense is cheese is mold. So, by the way, great Sandwich. Have you ever been to Joey Rosen?

[A]

But I want to.

[B]

It's actually really, really good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I couldn't edit that out unless it. No, I know you don't like to give Joe compliments.

[B]

I'm completely joking. But. But. But if I do, I'll say edit that out. It's really good.

[A]

Okay, so half mustache, under the house. He starts to put shelves, beds, mattresses. He's running electricity from our laundry to a cable.

[B]

Is Steve like, Jesus Christ, or is he just an idiot? You know what I mean? Was it like a move of compassion or was he like.

[A]

I honestly think it's a combination. Steve's a super generous guy.

[B]

He is. Yep.

[A]

And I think part of it was like, I probably would have let the guy, too, but as he started to remodel.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

When we were watching tv.

[B]

Is that the Property Brothers down?

[A]

When we were watching TV and we heard boom, boom, boom. Can you keep it down?

[B]

No. Shut the fuck up.

[A]

Shut the boom, boom, boom on the floor.

[B]

I was just giving a look to Katie because I was like, isn't it funny? I said the Property Brothers because Jonathan Scott was on the show yesterday. Yeah.

[A]

Which is clearly why we had one of them.

[B]

Just one of them. Yeah. Drew and I have a beef. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[A]

How did you only get one? I thought they're like the sklars. They have to come together, you know.

[B]

I've always wanted to have just one of the sklars on as well. You know why? I think that means a lot to twins. I think that's like. That's like. That's like watching somebody when they poop on their neighbor's lawn.

[A]

I would think that, too.

[B]

It's like a real. It's not why I did it. It's because I met Jonathan in the Wild Twinless. So that's how that happened.

[A]

But do they go away from each other?

[B]

I think so. But they lose power. It's like a WI fi.

[A]

I thought it's like the Amazing Race. They have to be able to see the other one of all time.

[B]

You have to be a line of sight.

[A]

Yeah, I think so.

[B]

Okay, so you're in your house and Steve Byrne let a half white mustache man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Move in downstairs. He starts putting in shelving and bedding.

[A]

Shelving, bedding. And you guys are like, candles.

[B]

You can't light a candle under the house.

[A]

Guy. Gas leak. Gas leak with lighting candles.

[B]

So he's dead?

[A]

No, he's not dead. Then These construction guys down the street come down. They go, hey, what's up with the guy under your house? And I said, I don't know. They said, he's, you know, he's got a new bicycle every day. And I went, oh. They're like, he's like a known bike thief in Venice. And I was like, oh. So then they said, we think he.

[B]

Stole our known bike.

[A]

We think he stole our tools. And I was like, okay. They're like, can we go under your house? I said, sure. Why don't you join?

[B]

You know what? Why not at this point?

[A]

Why not get under there?

[B]

Yeah, there is room at the end.

[A]

So he goes under, and he's like, here's all our tools. And I was like, oh, the guy's a thief. So then I say, the guy's gotta go. So I tell the guy. I go, hey, listen, man, I understand you stole some stuff, blah, blah, blah.

[B]

And you chill like that.

[A]

Yeah. But he was a bit aggressive. Like a.

[B]

Like a thief, Mike.

[A]

Yeah, Like a homeless Venice thief would be. And Venice is a good flavor for.

[B]

This, you have to say.

[A]

Like, he told me he was down on his lock, and the first day, he was, like, sweeping my steps.

[B]

You just didn't know he wasn't getting lucky, stealing.

[A]

We had Craig Gass live on our couch for six months. He was a way better guest than Craig Gas.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Like, Craig Gas.

[B]

Yeah. And isn't Craig Gas sort of famously wild? Is that what we're implying? I only know him a little.

[A]

Yeah. Craig Gass stayed for six months and gave me a sleeve of chocolate chip cookie dough.

[B]

That was the. Thank you.

[A]

That was it. Six months wasn't a blanket.

[B]

You could. And you're a gift person.

[A]

Yeah. And you're like, no, I didn't care. I just.

[B]

No, I know, but when you give good, good gifts, it's bad to get a sleep.

[A]

He said to me, he goes, hey. He came home one day, and my girlfriend was with me at the time. And he goes, hey, do you like chocolate chip cookie dough? And I was like, who doesn't? Is there anyone in this world?

[B]

Yeah, we all risk salmonella for it.

[A]

And any day. And then he goes, because Ralph's had a two for one. So I got you one.

[B]

So he didn't get you one. Ralph's got you one. Ralph's got you one. Don't tell me.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Don't tell me. Comedians are lunatics. So I got this one free, so it means nothing to me. So here you go.

[A]

Comedians are not talented. They're disabled.

[B]

I agree. And you know what? It is another mental illness. Fame. Fame is a mental illness.

[A]

Fame is a detriment that that creates a mental illness.

[B]

I like that.

[A]

And I always am like, careful you wish for. I have tiny, tiny, little teeny bit of fame in Australia. And I get there in the first two days I get there, I'm like, this is awesome. And day three, I'm like, how do I get rid of this?

[B]

Oh, wow. Really? What is the how do I get rid of it?

[A]

Impulse when someone, when I do dumb things and people be like, I saw.

[B]

You, you're Eddie ift.

[A]

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you just saw me do.

[B]

You saw me do surveillance while my father in law took a dump on a lawn.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm just like, God, why, why do I, why did I ever want any of this when I was younger? I wanted it so badly.

[B]

Can I say that salmonella is to cookie dough as an unwanted pregnancy. As to sex.

[A]

It's a very good analogy. It's a very, very good analogy.

[B]

So you know what's interesting? Here's a couple things that I know about you. One is you went overseas and got big there.

[A]

Not big. I always say, like people, I think it got overblown.

[B]

Like people would be like, that was the lore.

[A]

That was the Australia. And I'm like, I'm not. I was on a lot of TV shows, but it was like panel shows, like the VH1 type stuff.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But I mean, they only have four channels.

[B]

So at the time you're seeing him, you're seeing that.

[A]

So I was on. But I wasn't like, Arch Barker is a household name.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I would always be with ARJ and people would be like, Arch Barker and you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know, it was like I was you.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And if I, you. If I wasn't with arj, a lot of times they, no one would know who I was. But because I was with Arch, they're like, oh, other American comedian. Yeah, but, but ARJ was gigantic.

[B]

What was the play? What was the. Who told you about going overseas and were you frustrated? Like, what the fuck is with America?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I.

[B]

What was that period of your life, by the way? Maybe you don't want to talk.

[A]

Can I say I can talk about anything.

[B]

We're not going to forget to talk about that. I was listening to your newest record on the way in Malibu.

[A]

Sweet home Alabama.

[B]

Sweet home Alabama.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're like so talented. You're really, really good.

[A]

I really appreciate that. Yeah, I really, really do.

[B]

And it's not just that you're killing and you are, but there you don't lull. This is the same compliment I gave Sam J. But meaning. I'm saying that because I want you to know I mean it for both of you. It. It's like running water. It's natural. You know what I mean?

[A]

It's because I talk a lot.

[B]

Yeah. But the themes are. Are tied together, and stand up can be so jarring. Like, now we're talking about this, why? And you're just like, somehow you tied.

[A]

I appreciate, but I also feel like. I watch guys like you, and I feel like you work really hard and are really talented, and then I go, oh, I suck. I'm a fraud. I'm a charlatan. I don't know how I figured this out.

[B]

I think we all feel that way.

[A]

Okay. When you.

[B]

When I watch a great comic, just doing it, doing the craft, it doesn't matter if it's Dave Chappelle, super famous or some. I don't want to name someone not famous, but somebody not famous, an open micr who's doing it. I'll still be like, God damn it.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

You're just like, I had a show not that long ago when I got off stage and I said to Matt, who tours with me, I was like, am I done? You know what I mean? We're never that far. And he was like, pete, listen to the tape. You killed. Sometimes you're so tired.

[A]

But that's what makes it like golf. I don't play golf. I hate golf. I agree, but golf, I played as a kid. You hit that hole in one, and you go, I could be a pro.

[B]

I did it.

[A]

I'm a. I'm a pro level. I shot one shot into the hole. I should do this all the time. Everybody should watch me. And then there's a day you go out and shoot 150, and you're like, I'm done. I can't believe my parents kept me.

[B]

Like, buddy, I feel so seen. I also use the same analogy. And after that show, which was great, by the way. It's just sometimes you're so tired and vulnerable and, like, tender, and you've been doing too many shows, and you're doing the show and. And you're feeling something that isn't happening except inside of you. You know what I'm saying? But you get off stage, and some of the. I'm not gonna lie. Some of the lines, I was like, that just didn't work. And I'm like. And that's like, one of my favorite jokes, and it just didn't work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And, like, it's a joke that, like, works or doesn't work. Like, there's a point and a twist and the twist is revealed, and everyone's.

[A]

Like, oh, so I get upset feeling.

[B]

But yes. And I love what you're saying, because what happens, and I'm getting closer to being able to do this in real time is you go, this is what makes standup something you can do your whole life endlessly interesting and compelling and meaning making. Because you never know. You might go up and it might be kind of. If it was always just home run derbies, you'd get bored of that.

[A]

But a thing that I've kind of programmed into my brain to make me get through that is there are times when I used to sell merch a lot. And after the shows, the nights that I would feel like I didn't do so well, I would sell the most merch. And I don't know if it's. They felt sorry for me or I'm.

[B]

Gonna say it's not that, or they were listeners.

[A]

And the reason I say that is I don't laugh a lot, but I'll go, oh, that's funny. That's great. I love that. That's incredible. I like. You'll hear me cackle when something goes. Goes awry or. Yeah, something shouldn't have happened. Or they say something that the crowd doesn't laugh at. That I think is so. And I want to show the crowd, like, you're all dumb.

[B]

Yeah, you eat. You eat crab guts. Everyone else is eating the claws here. Give me the germs.

[A]

Missing out on something so funny.

[B]

I'm with you.

[A]

So I went to see Jon Stewart once. I used to have the same manager as him. And I was doing a show at Acme in Minneapolis, and my manager goes, hey, you want to go see John? I was like, I'm kind of at the same time, but I'll go watch, like, the first half of his show. So I went in and I'm like. He got me, like, great seats, and I'm sitting right in the front. And it was, you know, nobody talks about John stand up that much, but it was one of the best I saw, like, the first 45 minutes. It was like, one of the best sets of comedy I've ever seen. I was blown away.

[B]

Edit that out.

[A]

And.

[B]

I edit that out. He's had enough. He's had enough. Can't we instead start the lore that.

[A]

He'S like, I laughed twice.

[B]

I saw.

[A]

I laughed twice. I was like, huh, huh? And I said to myself right then I was like, don't get mad when they're not laughing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like. But, you know, you get that.

[B]

That's what.

[A]

When you walk off and somebody goes to you, and you know you had a bad set, and they're like, you were great. You were great. And you're like, no, I wasn't.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like, I know.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But wait, how did the Jon Stewart set tie? Were they quiet at points?

[A]

No, I was.

[B]

Oh, you were quiet. I.

[A]

So I was like, don't get mad at the audience when they're not laughing.

[B]

This is actually where you and I, in my opinion, we had, like, a classic Comedy Store green room hang where I felt really close to you. I think I even said that I.

[A]

Was like, which is weird.

[B]

Really close to you right now.

[A]

We missed.

[B]

Yeah, we missed. That's exactly right.

[A]

You came in. In the generation of guys that just stormed the business, like the blitzkrieg were known.

[B]

I don't. You did.

[A]

There was a whole group of you.

[B]

What if I meant that? You mean the Blitzkrieg.

[A]

That's what we've been calling.

[B]

We all. We have a thread.

[A]

We have a text thread. We met. There's a guy called Churchill the Creed. You.

[B]

Yeah, we missed each other.

[A]

I was in New York.

[B]

Which year did you start in New York? Yeah, I moved.

[A]

Were you Chicago first?

[B]

I was Chicago from 2001 to 2004.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

2004 to 2000.

[A]

That's why we missed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I was New York from, like, 97 to about 2005. 6.

[B]

Yeah, barely.

[A]

And I was.

[B]

And you wouldn't have seen me then anyway. Cause it was open mics and stuff.

[A]

And I was going to England a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so when I came in, it was like a nightmare. It was so mean.

[B]

New York.

[A]

Ugh.

[B]

Can I say nothing? I just love that you're pointing this out.

[A]

Cause it fucking was. It was the meanest thing. It was so mean. So mean.

[B]

Every conversation was something that I'm like, you know, like, aghast. It was either mean or it was like something a story a pirate would tell. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we stole their rum. And you're like.

[A]

But now. Now I feel like that guy that, like, I went through it. I do, too, of course. But I don't want anyone to ever have to do that again.

[B]

Me, too, dude. It was me and Nate Bargazzi. Standing in a circle out front. The cellar. We weren't performing there. We'd just go and hang out there. And it's. You know. And these aren't bad people. I'm just saying, they were like, yeah, they are.

[A]

They're terrible people. There was a group of very bad people there. But. But I look at them like, I look at them the way you look at a pit bull in a shelter.

[B]

Yeah, that's great.

[A]

They are abused. They're talented. That's why they're talented, because of the abuse that was inflicted on them.

[B]

This is good.

[A]

But they're going to bite you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're going to bite your friends.

[B]

Can I tell you one that. I've told this before, and it's Billy Burr, and we love Billy Burr. But. And there was a time when I was just so tail between my legs, open mic guy. And I said something stupid, trying to be funny. I hadn't. I didn't know how to be that level of confident with, like, fucking all these greats, all these murderers and me and Nate, and we'd just keep our mouths shut. And then I said something. It doesn't matter what it was like, yeah, that's why Eddie's wearing Navy, because they don't have army blue or something.

[A]

And they trounced on him.

[B]

Worse. Everyone was talking when I said it. The only one who heard me was Bill. And Bill goes. He said. And they were still talking. And then he waited, and I watched him wait. And he. And he was like. He knew as soon as they stopped talking, like the newspaper, he's gonna tell them. He said. And he did. And the most emasculated is maybe not exactly the right word, but I felt really, really maybe neutered or just fucking sad, waiting politely for Bill to introduce the topic.

[A]

As you told me that I could feel like it was like, the trauma coming.

[B]

It's trauma. It is. And that's why we're ritualistically reenacting childhood trauma. I'm always saying that, but you have to get curious about what is the pain that's familiar to you and how does it attract you to situations, relationships, people, friendships, jobs that help you feel comfortably uncomfortable. Does that make sense?

[A]

That makes total sense.

[B]

And then when you get older, you go, I'm not doing that anymore. And I'm not going to do it to the young guys either.

[A]

No, I'm not going to. I was in a fraternity in college, and they tried to haze me, and I was kind of like, no. And they would. They would be like, you worked. They better do. Like, you're going to do this. And I was like, no, you did.

[B]

The thing that I've always wondered. They're like, in. The last one to jizz on the cookie has to eat it.

[A]

And first of all. And I was just like, the last.

[B]

One to jizz on the cookie. If you're doing that horrible. I hope it's an urban legend, Okie cookie thing.

[A]

I think it's an urgent.

[B]

Everyone jizzes on the cookie, and you're the last one to jizz on the cookie, and you have to eat it. Why would you still jizz on. Why would you be like, ah, man, I'm gonna have to eat this cookie when I'm done.

[A]

Might as well put my own special sauce on there.

[B]

At least it's a little familiar.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe mine are overwhelmed. The taste.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I hope that's not real. No. So I. When I was in the fraternity, and they would do it, and I would just go, no. And they would go, okay, because they really couldn't. And so then.

[B]

These are college kids. Yeah.

[A]

Then when I became an older brother, they'd be doing it, and I'm like, this is ridiculous. And they're like, you're not gonna go to the. And I'm like, no. And. And then I'd call pledges up to my room, and I'd be like. They'd be like, maybe do things. I'd go, just sit here and watch tv. And they're like, you mean, what are you going to do to us? And I'm like, I'm not going to do anything. Hey, hang out. Let's have fun.

[B]

That's my fit. Because that is. I see why you went from where we were to where we went. Because comedy is like a frat.

[A]

It is.

[B]

And there are people that believe in hazing, and I'm not.

[A]

I think it was just the seller. I think the seller was worse than anywhere. And I. I just watched Patrice's documentary because somebody told me to see. I haven't seen it.

[B]

Is there a Patrice documentary?

[A]

There's a Patrice documentary. And they get me in it. Like, they hammer me again. And it was just like, oh, it's still happening. He's dead, and they're still coming at me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And it was actually funny, but I think it was Burr or Norton told the story. But Jim Norton walked past stage one time I was on at the Cellar in front of, like, six people, and he just comes down to go to the bathroom, and he's as far as me to the camera. And he just, you know, you have to, like, go straight in the room. And then you make that, right? He goes, ugh.

[B]

He makes his patented sound, and the.

[A]

Whole room hears it. He just looks in my face and goes. Goes to the bathroom, comes out of the bathroom, looks at me again and goes, double ugh.

[B]

He said it again. So while he's peeing, he's like, I'm gonna call it back.

[A]

And. And I'm just on stage, like, I gotta quit this business.

[B]

That's why. You know what I was thinking? There was a time around the same time where I sat at a table with Godfrey, but this is different. I said something and I made him laugh, and he was generous enough to actually engage and listen to me. I made him laugh so hard. And I was like, I don't really know what to make of this. Cause I also. There's a little badge of honor that I wear on the inside that I'm like, I went through a tough time and I'm reading. I heard about it from somebody. The Coddling of the American Mind or whatever. It's interesting. I don't know if that's a controversial book. I have to say this now. I don't know if that's, like, hate speech I just started, but it's very interesting. And it's talking about, like, how, like, negative experiences, other opinions that you disagree with, are really good for, like, sharpening you up. And I just heard someone talking about the Navy seals, and the reason why the training is so difficult is because they want, like, insane people that, like, will go through anything to do that makes sense. And then I'm like. But I think we've seen something really interesting with comedy is that, like, we have a generation that isn't coming up through.

[A]

Not at all.

[B]

Knife fights.

[A]

Not at all.

[B]

And there. A lot of them are fabulous. I can't say everybody is, but that's never true.

[A]

I see. I'm going to disagree with you there.

[B]

That they're not fabulous.

[A]

I'm a big fan of action sports and because of the Internet, like. Like skateboarding, BMX surfing.

[B]

Didn't it used to be called something else? Not extreme sport.

[A]

Extreme is like, I don't know. That's. I don't.

[B]

Isn't it funny that Tony Hawk looks.

[A]

Like me a little bit? I get it. No, we both have the Hitler haircut.

[B]

I was gonna say he looks like a guy who's so relaxed he's gonna fall asleep and he's, like, doing loop de loops. In a pipe.

[A]

So amazing. He's so. He's like. He's like 50 some years old. He can still do everything.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He cannot.

[A]

He and Kelly Slater are both in their 50s and are still. I mean, who's Kelly Slater? Kelly Slayer is one of the best surfers in the whole world. He's surfing on the world.

[B]

Kelly slater.

[A]

Kelly at 50. He's gonna be 52 this year.

[B]

No kidding.

[A]

It's like. It just makes me feel like we can all live forever.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

That's incredible.

[A]

Back to. This is important to me. I say this all the time. The progression of all those sports is phenomenal. Because when I was a little kid and I wrote a BMX bike, you'd read a magazine that came out every month and you'd see the trick and you'd have to kind of figure out how it was done in the pictures and someday meet someone that knew how to do it. And it would take. It's like an information trade a year to learn it.

[B]

You're giving me. Mine is video games, but somebody that knows how to do a move and you're like, you know how to do it.

[A]

Exactly, yeah. The pattern.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Now with the Internet, they learn it.

[B]

The next day and it's meaningless.

[A]

And so they progress and they progress and they progress and they progress.

[B]

Oh, I thought. I thought you were going a different way. I thought you were going to say, because it's so readily accessible, the thrill of the pursuit is gone, so the meaning is drained. And they don't learn it. They do learn it.

[A]

They learn it and then they take it another step.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Like, oh, you did one backflip. I'm going to do two. Oh, you did two. I'm going to do three. I'm going to put a twist in my three. I'm going to put a one leg, you know, and they do this amazing stuff in stand up comedy. I thought that was gonna happen. I thought because they all have access. When I was coming up in Stand up, you had like Evening at the Improv or Caroline's Comedy.

[B]

I go to the library.

[A]

What?

[B]

Would you go to the library just.

[A]

To read both the album.

[B]

Some libraries did have album, and some libraries album did have a VHS section. And I remember, I found. And once ebay came out, I mean, old ebay, no, buy it now. You could only bid all this shit. I got Jerry Seinfeld, Stand Up Confidential. Have you seen that special?

[A]

No.

[B]

It has sketches in it, bro. It has Jerry doing sketches. It's all on YouTube.

[A]

Now I'm dying to see that now.

[B]

And I know the sketches as well as I know the material. Cause I watched that tape. Not until I wore it out, but I watched it over and over. But it was a treasure to me. And now you could get it on YouTube.

[A]

Doesn't that kind of.

[B]

I think it would rob it. I. I mean, I used to take the train into downtown Boston to find the One Tower records that had a comedy set. You'd have to call them. So there was a quest and there was more meaning when you found was.

[A]

A big deal that. And it made it special.

[B]

It did make it special. And it made me more likely to cherish it. And when you cherish it, you watch it and you take it very seriously.

[A]

And that's why you know every word of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which now the information just goes right in and right out.

[B]

Well, that's right. And I couldn't just change like just sidebar what I do with my daughter, what I'm trying to do. She watches tv. We're not a zero screen family. But what I try to do is I go, before we turn it on. She won't always do this, but I go, we can watch. But before we turn it on, what do we want to watch? And that's what we're going to watch. Because like there's something about the committing.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

And if she sees something else, which she will because that's how it's designed. You're like, no, we decided we're going to watch.

[A]

That's a good idea. I'm going to try that.

[B]

Yeah. Because that's what we should be doing with ourselves.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

I'm kind of like that. I mean I will get caught in a scroll. But of course, I don't want to lose this train of thought. Cuz I really.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, please. I'm stoked to hear you say what you're about to say. Berenstein bear.

[A]

So the comedians.

[B]

Nelson Mandela. Come on. Magic mirror on the wall.

[A]

What's the other one? Luke, I'm your father.

[B]

What is it really?

[A]

I'm your father. He doesn't say, Luke, I love it.

[B]

And how would you take that quote and make it a meme? You'd have to add Luke. Otherwise it just sounds like you're saying I am your father, but I'm with you. It's interesting the way memory works.

[A]

Okay, so back to this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're gonna get there.

[B]

I can tell your podcast host and I love it.

[A]

I just have been Thinking about this so much lately. This, this idea. The comedians today get popular through likes, views, everything. So they're constantly Buddha. Like the Buddhist thing is always like, it's about the intention, not the outcome. You should be intention oriented, not outcome. And I believe comedy has switched from intention to outcome. Where I used to sit around the clubs and we would all talk.

[B]

I feel like we should take a four minute silence just to. That's really good what you just said. We've shifted from intention to outcome.

[A]

It's like we're so commercial. So not about the art.

[B]

Sell it.

[A]

Yeah, just sell it. Make it, make more.

[B]

Can I add to that? That I know that There are some YouTubers that think of the title and the thumbnail first and then reverse engineer the content because they know people will click on it.

[A]

I've talked, I've had like really good social media managers and they're like, hey, is there any way you can get the punchline and have it said in the first three seconds? Because then it'll keep people. And we need to get them to stay engagement and we need clickbaity titles and we need this. And I just go, you guys do this because it makes me sick to my stomach. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna do what I do. Yeah, I'll just give you, you take my Dropbox and do whatever you do with it. But I have to get out of this because I'll, I'll, I'll quit the business.

[B]

I feel you keep going. So we've shifted from intention.

[A]

So we it. So the comedians today are more focused on, on what they're making and how they're going to sell it and how they're going to get. Go viral and be popular without doing the hard work of creating the art. And I, I feel like I'm that old man and I didn't want to be it, but one night I was at Zany's last year in Chicago and I did my show. And after my show they had the open mic. No, I was at the. Is there one inverted.

[B]

Yeah, there is one inverted hill. Or there was.

[A]

Oh, I did the one downtown.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And I went to get food and I came back and I'm like, I haven't watched an open mic in a while. I'm gonna watch the open mic.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So you know when you watch an open mic and you see, you always see like one or two people that you're like, oh, oh, like, that's amazing. Or this person's got it or they're Gonna.

[B]

Dude. I was in an open mic. Everyone knows this story, but I love saying it. And I saw someone say, you ever see a kid so fat he looks like he has a job? And I was like, that's the greatest joke I've ever heard in my life. And I can't help. Every time I see a kid that's a little heavier, I'm like, he looks like he has a job. That's a great observation, because they look like little men is really all he's saying. But like that. Yes. So I'm with you.

[A]

So you see it and you're like, oh, my God. Well, I. I don't know. I don't want to mention any. I don't know any of the names, but I didn't see anything.

[B]

No name. Nobody did that.

[A]

Nobody got anything that, like, made me go, oh. So I went upstairs because I, like, couldn't take it anymore. I went upstairs, I'm eating, and the. All the comics are up there, and I'm listening to them converse, and they're like, what Law of Mic do you use? And they're going, I've been editing on Premiere, but I. Somebody's telling me I should use Final Cut Pro and blah, blah, blah, whatever the other one is. And they're like, you know. But I'm thinking, using two cameras and blah, blah, blah. And I'm listening to all this, and I'm just listening. I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm remembering. And this is me being the old man. I'm remembering the room going, did you hear Hedberg's joke? Did you hear Geraldo? Did you hear that bit? Geraldo did. I heard he did it like this the other night. But he doesn't always say that. He adds this in. And I wrote this joke. What do you think of this? What if I said this and then somebody goes, you can't say that because so and so says that. And it was all joke talk. And now I'm hearing all angles, cameras, uploads, every single bit of. And I went like this. And this is unlike me, but I went, excuse me. And I don't know if any of them even knew I was the headliner earlier or anything. And I didn't want to be like, hey, I'm. I just went. I don't know if you guys. I'm nobody, but I'm listening to all of you. And I've been doing this for, like, almost 30 years. And I go, all I've heard you guys talk about is the business side of the Business. And I haven't heard any of you talk about the art. None of you. And I go, it's really gross. And I go, you said that. I go, it's gross, Luke.

[B]

I am your father.

[A]

And I said, gross. And. And I said, and. And. And it's just. It's making me sick.

[B]

It's funny because I can picture the green room, which is where I met Mitch Hedberg, by the way.

[A]

Oh, wow. I need to hear that story, too. I love a Mitch Hedberg. Me. Like, I can.

[B]

Well, he was very awkward.

[A]

Wait, let's split. Yeah, we'll put a pin. I said, yeah, put a pin in.

[B]

It's a. There's a pin in Hedberg. I'm so with.

[A]

Because I want the head.

[B]

I want to add to your story, by the way. I was just at Wise Guys in Salt Lake and the owner was like, when you. That we have an open mic and you look at the back and it looks like it's a news conference.

[A]

It's.

[B]

Everybody has a. Has two phones, two cameras, GoPros, all this stuff, filming. I say this as someone who came from open mics that were terrible. I'm not. And I didn't see the open mic. But you're filming nothing and editing it and putting it up, hoping that lightning strikes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Don't get me started on how Instagram is ruining stand up. People are talking to the comedian more because all we're posting are these fucking bullshit clips that aren't funny. Crowd work is for the live audience only. What's your name? Eddie. If I have a better last name, why the fuck is that in my feed?

[A]

And it's encouraging.

[B]

Nice hat. Yeah. Is that a VCR hat?

[A]

The younger generation thinks that's what they're supposed to do now.

[B]

And crowds think that's what they're supposed to do.

[A]

Yeah, I just.

[B]

Look, the crowds were great in Salt Lake, but I noticed if I said anything to anybody, they were like, I'm.

[A]

Gonna be in the video.

[B]

Exactly. I went, you guys know bad 80? I have a joke about how my parents are bad 80? And someone just goes, no. I'm like, that sometimes happens anyway. But it's happening more that people are like, here's my time. Do crowds go to crowd open mics where they work on their fucking shit? I might say, that's got to hurt. You say, hey, oh, we should do.

[A]

That as a joke. We should be like, hey, we're having a crowd practice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We guys want to come down to the improv. We're going to Practice being crowd, doing so, doing crowd work.

[B]

I don't want to sound like a turd, but every show I do is crowd practice for you to sit there and be a crowd. There's your practice. You know why? The greater good, that's why some fuck is like, this helps the show. It doesn't. Doesn't. And it's not. I'm not mad at you. And look, I'm like you. I'm the guy that's like, I'd like to shine. Well, shine. But you know what you got to do before you shine? Fucking polish your fucking balls.

[A]

Well, that's what one. One of the kids said to me. One of the kids that night when I said that. Goes. You don't get it. He goes, it's so hard to move up. You've got to have a viral video, and it's the only way you're going to get spots and get recognized. And I go, I think you guys are off. I said, I sat down there during your open mic, and I'm not going to lie to you, if I saw something that I really liked, I would have told every club owner in the country. I go, I go to clubs, I'm friends with the owners. I would have been like, there's this kid in Chicago, you got to see him. He's so amazing. Yeah.

[B]

And by the way, I believe you and I do similar things. You know why? It's not even philanthropy. It's the love, the wonderful flow of energy that we were given, and it's a privilege to give it. You know what I mean? When you see somebody new and you're like, God, not only is it good for them and makes you feel nice to do something good, but put all that aside, it makes you look good.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's in the mix. You're like a curator.

[B]

Good comedy and you're helping comedy.

[A]

Right. And I remember when I saw Gerard Carmichael at like a. Like a horrible J. Davis show, like at some bar somewhere.

[B]

An hjds. Horrible J. Davis show. I got an hjds.

[A]

Yeah, this was an hjds. And I watched Gerard.

[B]

I don't know anything.

[A]

And I went, oh, my God. Like, it was like, yeah. Oh, I see it. Yeah, I see this.

[B]

And that's a great feeling. It's like falling in non romantic, non sexual love.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're like, someone's doing it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because here's. I think what you're saying too is there's nothing more impressive than just incredible standup comedy. And to reduce it to a girls Gone Wild video where it's like, that's what it is. We've. Oh, I had a moment. And look, I want to be very clear. I understand comedians posting crowd work videos. I'm very lucky that I have a lot of content and I can do that. And if I didn't, would I be posting little riff and mo? Yeah, probably do it too. Probably, yeah.

[A]

If that's the way the systems.

[B]

I love our people. And I'm just going like, be a Jedi. Be a fucking surprise. Get really good. You know, like inside Llewyn Davis. You know that movie, Oscar Isaac?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He goes, you never release your old. It ruins mystique. I was like, that's right. You know what I mean? It's like, it's so exciting. Now I sound like an old man. But the reason I went to Chicago for as part of it was it was like this great incubation. There wasn't a lot of scene there. It's different now, but like, I wanted to be a little anonymous. And that was. That's what Gaffigan and Burr and all these guys told me. Then you go to New York and I was already three years good. That's. And you go to an open mic where everyone's three weeks good, and you're three years good. Now you get booked shows.

[A]

Somebody told me, you're only new once. Don't let them see your growing pains.

[B]

Only one chance to make a first impression. That sort of thing. Yeah, we're in that business. There are clubs that if they see you suck, they'll never. That's the way the fucking brain works. It's a pattern recognition bullshit machine.

[A]

I've had one of the biggest guys in the business on the industry side who used to be somewhere else, saw me have a horrible set. And it has followed my career. Like, he just keeps getting in more and more important positions. And everywhere he goes, I'm like, I'm out there.

[B]

He's the guy.

[A]

I'm out there. And I'm like, told my manager, I'm like, can we buy him a vacation so that he will watch me a new association? Like, yeah, like, how do we break that pattern?

[B]

But you're absolutely right. And I saw Louis say to young people in a talk, scandal noted. That's what I like to say, scandal noted. And I saw him say, scandal noted. It's the. It's the least time consuming way to say, like, I understand that. That's sort of like an inciting person, but I saw him say to young people, just opt out. Like, I see people booking clubs because they have 70,000 Instagram followers. And yeah, we will let you work. And dude, I hate to admit this, there have been people that asked to do the podcast, so I'm. I'm a times in that way too. And I go, yeah, right? And I'm like, holy shit. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, same here.

[B]

Because that's the fucking gross. I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't do it all the time. And that's the gross capitalistic model that we're all kind of stuck in. But Louis saying, opt out.

[A]

We have to feed our children.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So the. The middle way of this, I'm like, do both. You know, maybe post some clips, but just be careful. You know what I mean? You can't also. You also can't reinvent yourself. Like, when Dimitri Martin started, I don't know if he was doing his style.

[A]

No, he wasn't. I started kind of with Dimitri. We were good friends. We. We wrote a film together.

[B]

Oh, no way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which one? It's not the one.

[A]

No, we never. We never finished it. We never. It was. It was a funny film. It was about a. A renegade marching band. It was about a marching band that. It was. The quarterback gets kicked off the football team because the coach is cheating and he's a good saxophone player until he goes into the band because it's the only way he can keep his scholarship. And he's a stud. And they're all nerds and he doesn't like that they're being shit on, so he kind of has them revolt. And it's based on the. The Stanford Marching Band, which is. Have you ever seen anything about the Stanford Marching Band?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, watch the documentaries. It's the most amazing thing ever, really. They were like. They were like the coolest geeks ever. Ever. Oh, they had like a band house that was like a frat house kind of thing. And they would dress up. They would torture other teams.

[B]

They would.

[A]

They. Like when Reagan had cancer, they. They made a nose on the field, like with a tumor on the nose.

[B]

Out of their shape.

[A]

You know how they all in formation and then they had like a scalpel come in and cut the tumor off. And they were just, you know, really smart, creative kids.

[B]

Can. I wanna. Because this movie didn't. Didn't exist. I want. When you said renegade marching band, you know, what I really wanted was some situation where a high school has taken over and the marching band kill, like toy soldiers, Kills the terrorists with their instrument. That's where I was going just for that sort of like get out moment where someone shoves a flute through someone's neck. It was like really grotesque.

[A]

I'm on a high school chat with my seven best friends from high school and we talk 20 times a day and they buy lottery tickets now and it drives me nuts because they talk about it and I won't buy and they shit on me all day long about it. And they said, what are you doing? You should be out buying a lottery ticket. I said, I'm writing a film about a group of guys that all buy lottery tickets. And one guy doesn't buy them and they hit and they get billions of dollars and they won't share it with them. And so he murders them one by one.

[B]

That's fantastic. Do you want to know my lottery movie?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I win the lottery. Let's say it's me and you. I win the lottery. And I'm worried that I will lose all relatability as a comedian. So I don't want to claim it. So let's say you're my brother, you're not a comedian. I give you the ticket, I ask you to claim it so you can be in the pictures and everything and then you abscond with the money and then I have to like find you and murder you with, with a flute.

[A]

Is this the life of Dane Cook?

[B]

It is similar to Dane. You know, when Dane did my pot, I was like, oh yeah, your brother in law stole like a million dollars. And he goes, 10 million. That's what he said. I think I'm remembering that correctly. It's so much more money than you think.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Isn't that terrible? And you know, the story is they're in jail, they know where the money is and they're just riding out their sentence. So when they get out they can go get the money.

[A]

But if I was Dan, I'd just have the best private investigator following him everywhere.

[B]

I think we all know there's going to be a guy in a super finger T shirt in an idling Chrysler in front of the prison. And he's, he's going to be.

[A]

I, I picture a Trans Am.

[B]

Okay. A Trans Am. Yeah. With aviators and.

[A]

No, those iridium.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the ones I was trying to think that are back in style.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I picture him.

[B]

Okay, Go back to how the young people stink. I, I interjected by saying the, the open mind.

[A]

But you, you summed it up. No, but we got it. You summed it up. And that's the. That's the. Well.

[B]

Oh, and I didn't stick the landing on the Louis thing, because I'd like to know. I want to talk about that Middle Way thing. He's like, just don't do it. Just become incredible. That's kind of what we're saying.

[A]

That's what they all. I mean, my old manager that. I love this guy, James Dixon. You ever hear of Baby Doll?

[B]

That's what he went by.

[A]

Everybody calls him Baby Doll.

[B]

Even Jon Stewart.

[A]

John. They all call me.

[B]

This is the guy that used to manage John.

[A]

Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert. He had everybody.

[B]

I know. The Snowman, Frosty, the Showman.

[A]

No, that's an agent.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Well, this guy, he just used to say to me, be undeniable. Just be. And that's what.

[B]

That's the advice that I got from Jim Gavigan.

[A]

Yeah, they just.

[B]

They got. Baby.

[A]

Barry said it. Barry Cat said it a lot.

[B]

Just be undeniable.

[A]

Undeniable.

[B]

But they ignore you until they can't. I actually saw that on a T shirt, and I was like, every, you know, broken clock, broken T shirt. I was like, that's. That's right.

[A]

A little side Barry story.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was listening to his podcast, and he always says, if you have a problem with someone in this business, make up with them. Reach out the olive branch. Make friends with them. It's not. It's just. It's not worth it, blah, blah, blah. And Barry and I had a beef. So I call him. He lives out near where I live. We meet up for coffee. And I was like, hey, Barry, I listen to your podcast, and you were saying. And I, you know, that you should clear up your differences. And I said, I just want to apologize if there was any bad blood between us. And. And he goes, I don't know what you're talking about, man.

[B]

I thought about Barry yesterday, because I did. Barry's pod. This is that.

[A]

I think I heard your Barry podcast, maybe, because I really liked his podcast.

[B]

I liked doing. Yeah, I thought it was really fun. But one of the things that I remember from the Berrycats episode, that conversation we had, and I was thrilled because he's, you know, he's in comedian. He's like a legend. And I was like, oh, this is great. So I was very. And I have all respect for him. So it was just a. Something that really stuck with me. It might be a generational difference, but my wife and I, yesterday were planning a vacation, just a little trip. And I was like, I always think of Barry saying, don't worry about. I might be getting this wrong, but he's like, don't worry about, like, spending time with your kids and, like, dropping them off at school and stuff. They don't remember any of that. They only remember vacations. And I was like, what is this thought system? What is this? What. What just happened? Look, he might not feel that way anymore, but I was like, I couldn't disagree more.

[A]

Me, too.

[B]

It's only the rides to school.

[A]

I do remember vacations a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

However, horrible.

[B]

Hornets, nests of being stuck with people.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. No, I. I had a. I always like to say I had a pretty good. This is where I always felt like I didn't fit into comedy. I had a very good upbringing. Like, I love my parents, love my siblings.

[B]

I love your parents.

[A]

Thank you. And. And they love you. My mom. My mom's passed, but my mom loves. Loved Dean Edwards.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

She would always say to me, she saw him live. She saw him live. He. He talked to her.

[B]

Yeah. And he's handsome, handsome, talented.

[A]

The nicest person in the world. And he would call her Mom. He's like, how's mom? How's Mom? And he saw her a few times, and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's like, he's smooth. And my mom's like this, you know, little white lady from Pittsburgh that's like, oh. She's like, I love that guy with the big.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, the Afro. She's like, he's my favorite.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And she just loved him because he was just. And it wasn't even the comedy. It was just, of course, he was just so nice to her.

[B]

What I like about. I like a lot of things about that story. And it kind of brings me back to what I was saying about the Comedy Store. We don't know. I love what you said about, don't freak out. If they're quiet, they might just be listening. That's something Val, my wife, says to me, too, because I'll get off and I'll be like, what was that? And she's like, pete, sometimes they're just. They're running out of steam. Like, it might not be the bit and it might not be you. Like, stop taking it so personally. And that's what you said. We were talking. Do you remember the exact context? It was like, I got mad. I didn't let it out, but I did get mad at some way that someone said something or ruined a bit or something. I don't even.

[A]

I don't store that night.

[B]

Yeah. I don't Remember what it was. It doesn't matter what it was. It was. I felt something that made me uncomfortable, and I was taking it very personally. And you were like, this is why I read the Four Agreements. And I re. I've been rereading the Four Agreements since we saw each other.

[A]

It works for comedy, doesn't it?

[B]

We'll talk about that a little bit. I mean, I. Would you mind? Because I realized I was getting in a trap. Before you get to the Four Agreements, Eckhart Tolle tells this story about the. The monk with sweaty palms. Have you heard about the monk with sweaty palms?

[A]

No, but I have sweaty palms all the time, so I feel like the monk.

[B]

It might be the monk with shaky hands. I also have clammy hands. I have a bit about it. I can put out a candle without licking. But see, you got to know your audience. I'm like, if you have sweaty hands, I'm ready.

[A]

It's hyperhidrosis.

[B]

Is that what it's called?

[A]

It's called hyperhidrosis. And I had it as something Gatorade would claim. And I grew up really Catholic and would go to church every single Sunday. And I was an altar boy and everything. And the part where they go, the peace of the Lord be with you always, and also with you. And then they go, hand of peace or whatever. When you shake hands with the people next to you, I was like.

[B]

And so the fist bump is a gift to Hydro.

[A]

Hydro. Thank God.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And it's only when I'm nervous. And church knowing that it was coming.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It got to the point when I was old enough, my family would all be in the pew together and I would just go, see ya.

[B]

Yeah. How about the wave of peace? Yeah.

[A]

Time to bathroom. Bathroom break for Eddie.

[B]

Yeah. Irish Catholic. Goodbye.

[A]

And I. I would just head to the bathroom and then come back, and I'd be like. And my sisters would look at me and they go, are your hands getting sweaty? And I was like, just stop.

[B]

Yeah. No, I relate hard to that. In college was the. Their peak sweatiness. And that was every. I was only. I was friends with mostly girls, and they were all. They were like sisters. Now that I look back, I never had a sister. But in college I just had this, like, gaggle of lady friends, and they would, like, tease me. Merciless, brutal. And they were like. I remember one of them said, with good intentions. They were like, and you'll find someone. Someone who doesn't even mind your sweaty hands. And she wasn't even trying to be funny. And you know what my bit was? And isn't this a comedian? I'd go, I don't even remember. I somehow linked it to virility, to, like. I'm, like, so, so charged. Not even jizzy because I was such a sweetie. I wouldn't have said that, but I would have. I was so. I somehow found a way to be.

[A]

Like, it's because I'm emanating fluid.

[B]

I can't even do it now. I don't know how I did it, but what was I saying? Oh, the monk with shaky hands is. There was a monk who believed himself to be enlightened, and he was going to give a talk for, like, 500 monks. And he's backstage what's on his rider, like a gong. I'm just kidding. We're just riffing. What's on your rider? Vegetarian food. Okay. And he noticed he's about to go on stage and his hands are shaking. He's nervous. So he left. He walked into the woods like you. And he didn't return to society until he had actually reached enlightenment. This is probably a myth at this point, but the reason why he realized he wasn't fully cooked, as I like to say, like, he hadn't reached realization was because he was nervous. Because he was like, if I know it's all one and I'm just talking to myself, or like, it's not real or however you want to phrase this. Why would I be nervous to, like, be in a dream where I'm just giving a talk? Like, who cares? Like, you see the monks that were at Shandling's funeral, and they're going up after the greats.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Bob saget murders for 40 minutes and now Trungpa, you know, like, this guy. I saw the footage, and I was like, these cats are the real deal. They were not monks with shaky hands. They followed you. And I would be like, I can't follow professional comedians. And they go up. They don't do comedy. They sit in a temple and they kill. And they're calm and they're steady, and they're just in this way that you're just like, oh, you can't fake that. And I like that. Nerves is an indication that I've forgotten that you're me. Like, if I was nervous talking to you, it would be because. Millions of reasons. But, like, one way I can calm myself is I'm just like. I'm just kind of talking to myself. It's just like a dream. And we're each these localized things. Let's not get too deep. But you see what I'm saying?

[A]

No, I do see if I can.

[B]

Get in touch with oneness. Anxiety goes away. Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Arm ra. You guys know I'm always on the lookout for ways to strengthen immunity, gut health, improve my fitness, my metabolism, recovery, enhance hair, skin radiance. Well, I recently discovered, I don't know how I was in the dark on Colostrum but Armor Colostrum. I just discovered this. Thousands of 5 star reviews from life changing testimonials from users. What is it? Colostrum is the first nutrition we receive in life and contains all of the essential essential nutrients our bodies need in order to thrive. And it turns out we can supplement this, which is really cool. Armor Colostrum is a proprietary concentrate of bovine colostrum that harnesses over 400 living bioactive nutrients that rebuild the barriers of your body and fuel cellular health. For a host of research back health benefits. It strengthens immunity, ignites metabolism and anti inflammation, fortifies gut health, activates hair growth and skin radiance, powers fitness recovery and performance and confers powerful anti aging benefits. I mean that's insane. How did I not know about this? ARMRA is premium bovine colostrum concentrate and unlike any other products on the market, it is wholly natural, sustainable and was developed with the highest integrity from start to finish. Since I've been taking it, I'm noticing all sorts of benefits. Hair, skin, glowing, feeling, that radiance from inside gut health, you know, and everything that goes along with that is improved metabolism. Been feeling great in that regard and working out. I get, you know, I'm 44, I get sore muscles, sore shoulders especially. This is helping in my performance in fitness and super important my recovery. I've also noticed that this is the season that kids are bringing home colds and stuff. Old homes is over here. I'm rocking it just fine. Supporting your immune system comes down so much to supplementation and armor is making a huge difference. We've worked out a special offer for my audience. Receive 15% off your first order. Go to tri armor a r m r a.com weird or enter weird to get 15 off your first order. That's try Armor T R Y A r m r a.com weird and get it in you support your body and support this show. Speaking of support, we can also be supporting the earth with our friends at Blue Land. Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown away each year? 5 billion. And if that's not bad enough, most cleaning formulas are 90% water. This makes no sense. It's heavy to ship, leads to excessive carbon emissions on the trucks hauling them around the country. Plus those products are often filled with nasty ingredients like chlorine. Chlorine. Excuse me, chlorine and ammonia. I combine the two into chlorine. That's a lose lose situation for you and the planet. And it doesn't have to be this way. We don't need water to be shipped around. Blue Land is here to fix this. They're on a mission to eliminate single use plastic by reinventing cleaning essentials to be better for you and the planet. Their idea is simple. They offer endlessly refillable, refillable cleaning products with a beautiful cohesive design which looks great on your counter. That's actually kind of the hook that we got into it. We saw it at someone else's house, the clean white bottles. And the mission took it over the top. We were a Blue Land fam. Just fill your bottles with your own water that you have in your house. Drop in the tablets and wait for them to dissolve. You'll never even have to grab bulky cleaning supplies on your grocery run. And refills start at just $2.25. You can even set up a subscription or buy in bulk for additional savings from cleaning sprays to hand soap, toilet bowl cleaner and laundry tablets. All Blueland products are made with clean, clean ingredients you can feel good about. And you'll be doing something wonderful for the planet. And save some bread. Blueland has a special offer for weirdos right now. Get 15 off your first order by going to blueland.com ymiw like you made it weird. Ymiw. You won't want to miss this. Blueland.com YMIW for 15 off. That's blueland.com YMIW 15 off. All right, everybody, let's get back to Eddie Ift.

[A]

Yeah, well that's, that's flow state. That's totally. I don't want to get all metaphysical, but I was listening like that we are the only beings that actually suffer from our past and our future. Like we get, we, we, we, we have anxiety of the future and we have pain from the past where most animals live in the now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if we could get to the now, which is getting to the now is what this, this was somebody who's explaining death to me and they were saying that's what death is, is like you're almost in this, like complete. Like when you meditate and there's nothing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that nothingness. We observe the universe our whole life, and then when we die, we are the universe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so it's like, you are God, you are universe or God, you. You become. You just have tired of talking.

[B]

I'm so excited to talk about this. Oh.

[A]

So you become God, you become the universe. And it's like when we achieve that. And so, like, the monks are the closest thing to that because they've figured out how to get to that, where they don't have the anxiety or the.

[B]

Yeah. Because the river ran back into the ocean.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The thing that I was going to. Very excited to tell you. I always mention Rupert Spira. I think he's incredible. And he talks about how this consciousness without an object, meaning, a sense of awareness, but nowhere to point it. And you could say death is like that. You just become awareness itself. And what's interesting, I was doing this on the ride down. I was just kind of listening to yacht rock and just kind of being aware, and it was absolute bliss. And you notice that your awareness actually isn't neutral. It seems neutral when you are first getting into it, kind of exploring it, but you actually start to recognize that it has attributes, this, like, knowing presence that's looking at your eyes and listening out your ears and all that stuff. It itself is peaceful. And you could even use words like is happy, is like fulfilled, because it's one. It's not. It's separate. So we like it. Okay, that's a nice idea. But let's talk about the exploration of that idea. And he would say, every night we go to bed and in deep sleep, like your deepest sleep, not dreaming nothing, you're just gone. He would say, that's not the absence of awareness. That's the awareness of absence. So it's pure knowing, but there's nothing to know. And that's kind of like death. And he goes, but we don't dread going to sleep at night. No, we're not afraid to go to sleep at night. He goes, you look forward to going to sleep at night because when you are unencumbered and naked and I'm not thinking about, like, this morning I woke up, and you know that feeling where it just. Oh, that thing I was worried about when I went to sleep, like, re latches to me. And I go, shit. Because it was so nice being asleep.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And further evidence to his point, if it was the absence of awareness, we would close our eyes and then would wake up and it's the morning and I'M not saying that doesn't happen sometimes. That's sometimes how our brain narrativizes the experience. But we all know it felt like. How long it felt like. It felt like 10 hours.

[A]

Weird question. Have you ever had a colonoscopy?

[B]

Am I about to get one?

[A]

I'd love to. There's a camera on this microphone. I had my colonoscopy and they gave me propofol, which is the. The drug that killed Michael Jackson.

[B]

It says that on the bottom.

[A]

That's the way the doctor sold it to me. She goes, you have two choices. You can do propofol, which is what killed Michael Jackson, or we can give you fentanyl, which killed everybody else. Dark joke, but thank God you didn't go into sales. Yeah. I go, this is. And I said, I don't like to be put into a deep sleep. I've done it for a couple surgeries, wisdom teeth. I go, I don't. I don't want that. And she goes, I think you do. And I was like, why not? She's like, because fentanyl, you're not really out. You're kind of there, and there's gonna be a bunch of guys playing in your butthole. And I was like, okay, let's.

[B]

Did she say playing in your butthole?

[A]

That's exactly. Those were her words.

[B]

Who is this doctor?

[A]

Yeah, you have to go to, like.

[B]

Did she live under your house in Venice?

[A]

You have to go to this initial meeting. I didn't finish that story. We'll get back to that.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

But so anyway, I took the propofol, which is kind of weird, and when they gave it to me, they're like, you're out in 3, 3, 2, 1. Boom.

[B]

You're just watching the credits of your life, executive producer Eddie.

[A]

And everyone said to me, they go, you are going to have the best nap of your life. It's like this sleep. And it's not. It's dark, light. You are, like, out and you're out. It's not like sleep. It's not like, you know, you're gone. It's the closest thing, I think, to time travel. Dead.

[B]

Yeah, dad.

[A]

And I think it's because you wake up and you're like, well, what is life? Time travel. It's very time.

[B]

Life is the. Is experience, is awareness plus time. Right. So we can tell a story. Sure. And you were experiencing. Because I've smoked 5 Meo DMT. And that also is eternal and timeless. It was. It was nothing. What I'm saying is we're talking about eternity. You experienced. I don't know what you experienced. I'm wondering if you experience close to the eternal. And the eternal eternity doesn't mean endless time. Like, wow, we've been in heaven. That's what, a long time. It means the absence of time.

[A]

That's what I do. That's my fear of death is that. And I have huge fear of death. I'm going to a therapist right now because I have a thing called cleathrophobia, and it's a fear of being trapped, and I can't.

[B]

That's why you don't wear a wedding ring.

[A]

It's exactly why.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And your bit made me go.

[B]

I started going like, yeah, I can come off. Mine's actually very loose. This is like my third one. I've lost it in lakes and stuff.

[A]

Did you see Jimmy Fallon's finger?

[B]

Yeah, but I'm not doing a lot of falling in my kitchen. I'm not trying to say anything. I'm not trying to say anything. Jake, this is not the clip. This is for listeners of the pod only. No, in fairness, I could fall in my kitchen.

[A]

I saw a guy who jumped on a. A bar to swing and the ring just de gloved it. It's called de gloving for anybody. I don't.

[B]

Which is what killed Michael Jackson. I was just thinking, Katie, we haven't had, like, a really big podcast where the bit emerges from the conversation.

[A]

Don't anybody Google degloving. Do not do it. Do. I'm telling you, it's one of the most horrific things you'll ever see. And it's why I can't wear a ring.

[B]

But.

[A]

No, but it. I feel trapped.

[B]

I can't. I get it. My dad didn't wear one roller coaster bar. Yeah.

[A]

Over me.

[B]

You don't feel snug as a bug.

[A]

I used to love them. Used to love roller coasters.

[B]

I sleep in one belt.

[A]

Could you imagine on an airplane?

[B]

That'd be great. On an airplane.

[A]

The airplane. I let out all the slack so that I could slide out.

[B]

But that's not safe, Eddie.

[A]

I don't care. I'm. I.

[B]

It says high and tight across your lap and the nearest exit may be behind you.

[A]

You've got that.

[B]

Every time I think this, I go, it's not worth it. Go.

[A]

But I. It's so I can slide out if I need to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't like bathrooms with. With window. But I'm fixing it. I'm really working.

[B]

You don't like Bathrooms with windows. You can't go out.

[A]

No. If it doesn't have a window.

[B]

Oh, you just want a window.

[A]

Yeah. I need to be able to break.

[B]

Out, you know, All I'm feeling is everything you're saying is completely valid, which is what my therapist used to say. He goes, paranoia is correct. We just have to get over it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? So we can validate all of that. I just. My biggest feeling right now is I wish you could experience the snugness of, like, the good constraints. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's something that you're. It's like when people are allergic to peanuts. I'm like, oh, Thai food. You know, when you're saying this, I'm not thinking, what a weirdo. I'm thinking like, oh, like a little, like, secret closet where you go in and read your comics. Like, you don't get that?

[A]

No, it's. We're. I'm doing this thing called emdr. Yeah, I know emdr and.

[B]

But explain it a little bit.

[A]

It's. It's like a bilateral.

[B]

You move your eyes in different ways.

[A]

Yeah, you move your eyes or they. You can wear headphones with beeping or hold buzzers that buzz, buzz. And basically they're. The woman that. That founded it discovered she was working with, like, PTSD patients and that she had cancer. And when she would walk through the woods.

[B]

Don't tell the marching band. They do it for non celebrities. That doesn't seem okay.

[A]

Here they come into the field.

[B]

That's how your doctor tells you.

[A]

They played a song called get it out too. Oh, my God. Anyway, she figured out that when she would walk, her eyes were moving side to side, and at the end of the walk, the fear would be gone. But it's. It's about, like, your fears, you know, starting your limbic system and they move up. And when we're young, when all the trauma's formed, we don't have the. Our brain's not fully formed in the frontal lobe to kind of work those fears out. And so they stay stuck kind of in our brain. And this rewires it.

[B]

It sounds very similar to eft. Have you heard of eft?

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. I think it's very tapping.

[B]

Is that tapping? But it also has like a. You look this way.

[A]

I think it's almost the same thing.

[B]

I think it's very similar.

[A]

And because she does fingers like you.

[B]

Can do EFT for those Emotional freedom technique, which sounds so stupid, which is why we call it eft but like, that's one of those things I file under. Like, why don't I do that more?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, it works.

[A]

I mean, one session, I didn't even do a session. I just talked to her and I was like, I feel so much better already.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And on to like, I get it.

[B]

And this is to work on what?

[A]

I don't ride elevators. And it's. My sister lived on the 15th story in New York City and I used to stay with her. I had a class at the University of Pittsburgh on the 42nd floor.

[B]

You walked up.

[A]

I just didn't go.

[B]

No elevator.

[A]

I showed up for the final and the professor went, well, it's nice to meet you.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I was like, well, I just climbed Everest to get to you.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not normally this wet.

[A]

You know, that's more than my hands.

[B]

So it's inconveniencing your life.

[A]

Yeah, at this point. And it's. You know what got me is my kids are old enough now that they're starting to make fun of me. And I realize I can't be a good father because I've got to make them feel safe.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And if I don't feel safe, and they won't feel safe. And so I really need to fix this, like, quickly because they're like, my four year old son's going, come on, dad, you're gonna ride the elevator with me. He's like, you'll be okay.

[B]

Wow. And I'm like, do you.

[A]

No. I was just in Vegas all last week and I refused to ride the elevator. And then I got to get a security guard to take me up each time, come back and get it. And then I feel even more trapped. And.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I was like, this is. This is. This has been too long.

[B]

It's interesting, I think all of these issues. It's interesting to. Here's what I would.

[A]

Do you want to hear something crazy? I do San Jose improv. Have you ever played there? They have a hotel that all the comics stay and it's like right across the street. And when I went, they had to get a security guard to take me over. And you go like through the banquet room, down the hallway, around this, up here, up this stairwell. And I'm always embarrassed when the security guards take me. And I said, hey, sorry, you got to do this. I go, do you do this a lot? You know, with people that don't. He goes now, you know, like, yeah, you're the only freak.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he goes, he's like, where the. He didn't know that I was a comedian. He goes, we're the hotel for the comedians. He's like, weirdly, a whole bunch of comedians. No, I went, really? And so I don't want to name them, but he named me a bunch of comedians. And, you know, it turns out that Patrice o'. Neill. No, I'm just kidding.

[B]

I was. What are the names?

[A]

I'll tell you off air.

[B]

Yeah, I got it. I've known more. I don't have it as much as I used to, but when I was in college, I had a real shy bladder. And I think it's similar. Here's why. It's an overthinking disorder. Sure. And comedians are overthinkers. The reason I mention that. And I also won't name names, but I never met more shy bladders than comedians of my style. Meaning I don't think Jim Norton has a shy bladder. You know what I mean? I don't think Dane Cook has a shy bladder. But if you know a guy who's talking about his feelings and stuff, especially when I was, again, it's not a thing anymore. I'm so grateful. But I remember bonding with other comics being like, I'll walk. Like this is in New York. I walk four blocks because I know there's a one seater at the Village Underground because I just don't want to. What happens is you're at a urinal and you're like, they're peeing. I'm not peeing. Do they know I'm not peeing? It's just. It's just. It's actually not shy bladder disorder. It's overthinking and a little bit of narcissism. Like, they're looking at me, they're noticing me. And like, it's like when you're having sex, like, what happens if I can't get a boner? That's also not an issue. It's all overthinking stuff. You'd be like, well, now I'm flaccid because I kept thinking, thinking, well, that's the worst thing that could happen. Here's what I was going to put to you, though. I got curious about how far will I go to be special? Unconsciously speaking, Do I kind of like. Like losing a boner is a better example. Do I want to lose a boner so she'll treat me special in some way? I used to. It was in one of the Batman videos. I go, one of the sexiest things a woman can do is Forgive. Right. And that was based on my life at that time, was I can't remember if I was with Val, but let's say I was, and we're having sex, we're new and it's not happening. And she'd understand. She'd be like, it's fine. Don't worry about it. And then I'd be like, completely into her because she saw me. And not only saw me, but she saw me as special. So that's what I was going to ask you.

[A]

I wonder that. I've wondered, is this me becoming quirky? Because I remember years ago, I went on a tour with Bert Kreischer and Ben Gleb, and Bert goes, I said, can I get a room on the first floor, the hotel? And Burke goes, why do you want to be on the first floor? I go, I don't like to ride elevators. He's like, why don't you like to ride elevators? And I said, because I'm afraid I'll get stuck in there. He goes, oh, are you. Are you afraid it's gonna fall or are you afraid? And I go, no, I'm just afraid I'll have no one to talk to.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And then you'll vanish. Yeah, I mean, that is it. It's like, that's why they have that call button. But I catastrophize. I'm like, that button doesn't work. Yeah, there's a tornado outside. It killed everybody.

[B]

You know, you. Catastrophe. Yeah, no, that's great. That's a huge step.

[A]

And I'm like, I can create this scenario. And my friend's a therapist and I talk to her all the time. It's like, friends. She's like, yeah, you've got a creative brain. And you start creating these, like, no, it's amazing superpower.

[B]

It's just your spider bite hurting. Instead of giving you wall crawling abilities. Just a gross infected spider bite.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And you have to deal with it because you also like crawling on buildings and stuff. I feel the same way. It's like in situations I can catastrophize. It's not. I wouldn't call it a problem, but it's because I write stories. I just told you a story about winning the lottery, giving the ticket to my brother, and then he absconds with it because that's my job. You know what I mean? But when, like, these things start making it awkward for you and your children or whatever, one of the things I don't like about that is for you feeling your. Your pain is I'M like, I don't like the shame element of it. I wish it wasn't shame motivated.

[A]

I kind of laughed at, you know, being a comedian. I, you know, I think that's what we do. We. We find a way to make our embarrassing issues and problems comedy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it's like, haha. I always, I always call it 8 miling, you know, in. In when you do. When he does the thing, Eminem would always go, hey, I grew up. What are you gonna do? I'm from the trailer park. What are you gonna get me with now?

[B]

I call it Punky Brewstering because there was a heavy girl and she was friends with Punky and she would always make jokes about how at the time we would say fat, she would make all these fat jokes. And then at the end of the very special episode, they were like, why are you always doing that? And she's like, if I do it first, you can't do it. And I was at home going like, just crying sweet tears because I ate so many Twizzlers. Just sugar tears. But.

[A]

Yeah, but that's. Yeah, that's. And I think that's what we do as comics.

[B]

So control the narrative.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You say it first. Yeah, yeah. So.

[A]

But part of me was like, have I created this? But I think it's some trauma. And I've got to figure. It's funny, I was telling this woman, I was like, I don't have any real trauma in my life. I go, I've never had. And I start telling her stuff about my family and she's like. And she's like, I. I think we've got enough.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's like, we've got it. She's like, what you perceive as trauma. She's like, you have lots.

[B]

Yeah, this is. This is it. What you just said is, it is like we need to greenlight our goals and our dreams and believe in ourselves. You also have to believe in yourself in the other direction and go, this is what I just figured out. I'm just figuring this out. My wife is a genius at this stuff. And she. And having someone validate and go like, that was trauma that you experienced. Trauma. It doesn't have to be Karate Kid kids with ghost makeup chasing you on bikes.

[A]

That did happen to me, though.

[B]

I mean, it happened to all of us. That movie was a plague. It did not.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Yeah, it did.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

What? Oh, my. Go to. It doesn't have to be. That did happen to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Chased by kids on bikes.

[A]

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

[B]

What?

[A]

Oh, Yeah. I came home one day on the school bus, and the school bus would let me out about a hundred yards from my driveway.

[B]

I'll do the sound.

[A]

And there's a. I'm in eighth grade, the junior high, and there's a bunch of high school kids with their car waiting with baseball bats at my stop for me. And I see them, and I'm like.

[B]

I'll get the next one.

[A]

I'm going to die. And I was like. And I go, I don't know what to do. And one of my friends, Nina Kratza, said to me, just stay on the bus and go to my house.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, genius. So the bus starts moving, and they all jump in their car to follow us. And I realize Nina lives, like, a mile from her bus stop.

[B]

You've just given them a lot more terrain to chase you.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I'm like, you went from a walkway to your house to Nina's?

[A]

And I was like, I'm dead. I'm dead. So he's just about. The bus driver's at my driveway. He's gone like a hundred yards, and I go, stop the bus. And he's like, stop the bus. And he stops, and I come running up, and he's got his hand on the door, and I go, open the door. Open the door.

[B]

And.

[A]

And I was a bit of a mischief maker as a child. And the bus driver knows that there's a bunch of kids with baseball bats chasing me. He looks at me and goes, are you gonna be good? Are you gonna be good from now on? I go. I promise.

[B]

He saw his opportunity to negotiate.

[A]

Yeah, I'll be a model student. I'll be a model bus rider. And he goes. And he opens the door, and I fly out.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

With them all chasing me out of their car and run in and slam my door and. And how did they pick you? They had these guys. They. They had a fort in the woods. That was the most amazing fort you could ever see. It looked like something from, like a. Like apocalypse. Yes, sort of. They built out of. They cut down trees. And I grew up in Pittsburgh in this little suburb of Pittsburgh. And down by this in the woods, we live in a very wooded area. They cut all these trees down and built forts, and they were high school kids, and they would build, like, cabins almost. Some of them were two stories. Some of them. They had a creek that went under one of them, and they had a whole little village, and they would all go there and have parties.

[B]

I hate this.

[A]

Well, they were kind of I don't.

[B]

Want to be there.

[A]

They were kind of nerdy kids, okay? They weren't the cool kids. They weren't. And the cool kids want once. And trashed their whole fort.

[B]

Okay, Now I like them a little more.

[A]

But they. They were always drinking down there less. And they had alcohol there. And somehow the alcohol was stolen. And I had a little tree fort in my. In my yard. It ended up on the top of my tree fort, the booze. So they assumed I stole it.

[B]

I would love it if you did steal it, but that's still how you tell the story, like a mafia guy. And let's just say that alcohol ended up on the top of my tree fort, okay?

[A]

I don't know how it got there.

[B]

It fell off a truck. And I'm like, I think they were getting.

[A]

There was a. There was a cousin of Joey's.

[B]

But whoever stole the booze, Carl Krieble. Carl Krebel.

[A]

Carl Krieble was one of them and took it and planted it on me.

[B]

Creeble.

[A]

Creeblue. And he planted it on me. Now cut to. I'm friends with all those guys. Kreebull, not so much. Kreebull.

[B]

Were your friends with the wood.

[A]

Boys, the guys with the bats that were chasing me?

[B]

But they.

[A]

I.

[B]

Okay, look, I still hate that they were chasing you with bats, but at least there was some. Hey, that's the guy that took our. Yeah, I'm guessing the plastic bottles of vodka and.

[A]

No, it was a. Like, it was like a case of beer or something that they were gonna kill me over. But, you know, a case of beer is important when you're 16 years old.

[B]

I mean, good Lord.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There are all these stories. Like, I don't know. Like, what if they caught you? They would have hit you with bats?

[A]

I don't know, because the one. One of them I'm really, really close with now, he's one of my best friends.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, I don't even know why I was there. He's like, they were telling me I had to beat you up. And they were all like, you've gotta. And he's like, I was there to fight you. And he goes, I don't know why, but I was just peer pressured into. And he's like the most passive guy in the whole world. I don't think he's ever been in a fistfight in his life. He's like, I was ready to kill you.

[B]

I know in high school, a lot of people are just pretending that they have been in Fights, pretending everything. Pretending you've kissed somebody or whatever.

[A]

I don't think they do it anymore, though. I don't think they do anything.

[B]

Well, it's been chalomized, you know what I mean? And I mean that in a good way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Timothy Chalamet made it, like, cool to just be like, what? Like that Simpsons joke. Nice PJs to Bart Nelson says, nice PJs your mama get you for. Get them for you.

[A]

And he goes, yeah, yeah, it's Eminem.

[B]

That's the shalomizing, the eminizing of just like, yeah, I'm not shit. Like, why would I pretend to be shit? But I think in the 80s, you know what else was happening?

[A]

My nephew does that to me.

[B]

He's.

[A]

He's 17. And I'll go, are you. Are you really gonna wear that out? And he'll go, yeah. And I'm just like, you got me. Yeah, you got me again. And I'll be like, oh, that's nerdy. And he says, yes, it is. You know, and he just owns everything.

[B]

They figured.

[A]

And I. Yeah, yeah. Can't get them at all ever.

[B]

I love that. Yeah. It was dinguses like us that hoped Bill Burr would be sweet to us. That kid would be like, he wouldn't be in the circle. No, we were only in the circle because we were from the 80s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we're like, this is normal.

[A]

You know, it's so funny. A friend of mine, that's comedian that kind of came up with me. We always talk about that. Like, why did we keep going back there?

[B]

Because we were ritualistically reenacting our childhood traumas.

[A]

Like, we're like, that's so interesting.

[B]

You can be my abusive family. I'm not saying my family was an abusive family. I'm saying this is familiar. Tension.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The. The irregularity of like. But it was worse practice.

[A]

It was worse than anything I had experienced when I was a little kid. It was physical with all, like, cousins and neighbors. And we grew up in, like a. It was a very well affluent area, but it was. It was Irish Catholic. A lot of, like, fights. My dad will always, hey, you get in a fight, you don't start it, you end it. Never start a fight. End every fight. You know, like, that's how I was raised.

[B]

Grab a bottle.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, grab a bottle.

[B]

Break it.

[A]

Somebody comes after you, you do what you got to do, you know, like. And.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so very tough kids and very. Lots of sports and lots of.

[B]

I think my dad was tough. And then, like, I We just weren't. We were. I want to say, Nancy, about. I don't know if you can say.

[A]

Well, then your mom did a good job.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, taking that out. Because I see that happened with my wife's family. My. My wife's.

[B]

Yeah. My mom did do a good. Protecting us from, like. You don't have to teach your son. Have you seen the movie Black Mass?

[A]

No.

[B]

Johnny Depp plays Whitey Bulger. There's a moment where he's basically telling his son, like, if you do something and nobody sees it, did you do it? And he thinks he's doing right by his kid, like, teaching him how to cheat and steal, kill or be killed sort of stuff. And there is a certain amount. I. I don't know what the amount is, but we used to think it was £70, and now I think it might be a thimble of, like, look out for yourself, you know, Like. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

It used to be like, somebody's giving you. In the school.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You go up and break his legs. Right, right. And now it's like, have some awareness of who might not be safe, you know, it's like more like that.

[A]

Yeah. And. And I. I know because I always talk to my children the way the book say. I always. I. I say I'm the Book of Mormon. Well, my whole life is. I go to Instagram University, and there's.

[B]

Good stuff on there.

[A]

So much good stuff. I always want to say I read, but I feel like going, I scrolled and saw.

[B]

Isn't it funny that when we say I read somewhere, we all know you mean TikTok. I was reading. Really? In your study with little reading glasses on your nose.

[A]

Can't remember the last time.

[B]

Or were you taking a dump?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Looking at Instagram. Is that what it was? Yeah.

[A]

That's so funny. And I hate. I hate that you just did that, because you did. You did. With Chris Rock's done a million times. Where I have an idea. And it's so unformulated.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I know there's something funny in it. And then you see someone do it succinctly.

[B]

Yeah. And you go, I know.

[A]

You captured something that needs to be talked about.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And just got it in that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then it's first to market who's going to film it first.

[A]

But it's also like. But if it's. It's all like, Chris does that a lot. He finds it where no one else finds it. Like, we all kind of knew it, but no one knew that it could possibly be done.

[B]

Can I run something by you? Sure, I think so. That idea was in the marketplace. What young and all those people, the collective unconscious, that all creative people are kind of like sending their kites into the storm clouds, and we pull it back and we have the idea. And sometimes there's an idea for a movie that just is in the unconscious because we're getting all the same input and stuff. I think one of the greatest evidences for that being real, meaning, like, there just are these ideas, and we kind of fish for them, and then when they're caught, they kind of become less. This isn't necessarily literally 100% real, but just hear me out. They almost become less available. It's like, I've got it. And it's. Here's. Here's what I'm trying to rationalize. How many comedians are doing a new hour every year or two, and how much parallel thought is there.

[A]

So much.

[B]

I was gonna say not that much.

[A]

Oh, I think there's so much.

[B]

There should be way more is what I'm saying.

[A]

I think I'm so scared to look. I'm so scared to look at, like, if I'm doing a bit.

[B]

Yeah, I won't look either. But then when my special drops, I should be getting all these. Like, that was on this. That was on. I will say there's a lot on my new special. There's a bit I do about prove you're not a robot. That seems to be a premise that I saw Ornie Adams do a bit about it. Somebody said, hey, you should watch Mulaney's a bit about that just to make sure it's not the same, which I did, and it's not. But there are topics that float.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

But I mean, like, we really should be seeing, like, the exact same observation.

[A]

Well, it's like. And I try and I strive. Like, I wrote this joke, and I always use it as an example of, like, no one could possibly have this job joke. I have a bit about taking my dogs to rattlesnake aversion training.

[B]

Yeah. I think you're in a unique space.

[A]

Because it was so funny. I should. You know Chuck Martin.

[B]

No.

[A]

Chuck Martin was the director of Arrested Development. He opens for Seinfeld a lot, and he hangs out at the improv. Used to hang out at the improv bar all the time. He's kind of like Cliff at the bar. You know, like, Gene Pompa was Norm, and he's Cliff and the two of them are hilarious. They just make fun of each other. And I walk in one night, and it's just like sitting down at Cheers. And he goes, hey, what's up? You know, I'm like, hey. He's like, what'd you do today? You know? And I go, I went to rattlesnake version training for my dogs. And he goes, I hope you're going to open with that.

[B]

And sometimes you need someone from the outside.

[A]

I remember going, yeah, like, that's a really unique. And I had a whole story about it. And then I thought about it. I'm like, if there's any other comedian in the world that went to rattlesnake aversion training with their dog. Yeah, they're gonna have a bit too, because.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's just too.

[B]

I agree. I've made this before. In the crashing writers room, Greg Fitzsimmons was saying someone. And I. I've talked about this with Greg. I'm not sure.

[A]

Tell me who was in that room. Who all.

[B]

Well, it was. It rotated so much. It really did it. Yeah. Judd did an interesting thing where he would do, like, four week stints with a certain room and then would funnel it down. It was. It was interesting. And it wasn't. I don't. I can't say, but I imagine it wasn't necessarily the best for the people that were being rotated out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, that would kind of suck, but it's not.

[B]

So. Yeah, but. But then a core group, as long.

[A]

As they knew coming in, though, that it was only.

[B]

That's true. That's true. And then by the end, the room had solidified more. But I'm trying. It was like Beth Stelling, Mike Lawrence, Solomon Giorgio. I'm trying to think of other. It was a great room.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But Greg. And Greg. Greg Fitzsimmons was one of them.

[A]

Incredible.

[B]

He's awesome. But we had this kind of friendly debate where he was like, somebody stole my wishing fountain joke. And we were like. And I was like, don't tell me what the bit is, but is it about, like. And we kind of got to it. Like, we have so much water, we waste it in fountains. Like, is that it? And it was.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he added to it. And we even throw money in it. Like, it's. It's double wasteful. I was like, I just feel like that's there. That is the joke. I had a version that's not nearly as funny, but I was like, I saw this was back in my open mic. Days I saw a glade made, an air freshener made with real fruit. This is. I'm so desperate for material. I'm like, I'm gonna do something on that. And I'm like, I love that people are. And I'm also very seinfeldy at the time. And I like made with real fruit. I love that people are starving, but I just took a dump. You know what I mean? It's like someone could have eaten the fruit, but I just took a shit. We got a. We got a situation. It's like real fruit, so it's fine. But meaning that category of joke. And I'm really interested in the marketplace of jokes. I really feel like you could watch it like a stock market. Like right now we're seeing a huge spike. And managers and agents are like stock traders and they go to where the money is. And right now the money is in like comics who are talking shit. I've seen like way more. I don't mean talking shit like haters. I mean, like, if you're in this world where you're not supposed to say certain things and you're saying them anyway. I've seen a spike.

[A]

Yeah, that's the backlash to the PC.

[B]

But it's the backlash. And it's. And now it's popular. It's. It's an NWA record with a explicit lyrics. There's more money to be made if you're up there saying this, this and this, and that's a thrill and it's entertaining and it's delightful and it has a bigger market than people even anticipate. But I think that's really interesting to watch. And similar. Like you said, the PC movement. There was a time where, oh, now this is going to spike. This is going to. But there's also topics that spike and things that come around.

[A]

Yeah, it would be nice. And I think with AI, we probably will be able to track it easily because they saying they're going to start throwing podcasting into AI, where it's sourcing from AI once they get podcasts, once they get everything in it. And that's kind of. I mean, this could be a whole other podcast, but it's what make it disgusting.

[B]

What do you. You mean like disgustingly powerful?

[A]

Well, it's. I mean, that's why I thought going back to stand up, that I thought stand up would get better and progress.

[B]

Oh, yeah, finish your book.

[A]

Because we, when I did kind of finish it. But remember when you used to say something and you'd go, I need like three examples and so you'd sit all day and try to think of examples. Now you just go on chat GPT and go give me 20 examples of blah blah blah. And it's like, oh, I'll use this one, this one, this one, Boom, throw those in. So you're like there, that joke's done. Time to.

[B]

I've done that. I've gone on Chat GPT and said give me an example of something that seems like it would be a good idea but it ends up not being like it has to be more specific. And it'll give you 19 garbage ones and one pretty good one.

[A]

Right. And so I would think the progression of stand up would be just incredible but it's not. It sucks.

[B]

You'd think we'd be getting stronger, pessimistic.

[A]

Well I also think about who the best stand ups are right now they're on their 40s and 50s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because they've developed and they've developed and, and it didn't always used to be like that. Eddie Murphy was 18 years old.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now it's like you're watching these guys in their 50s that are just crushing it.

[B]

I, I, yeah, I was just talking to Bigli about that like because, well, I won't tell you why because it was self serving but we were talking about how we were all getting funnier. Let's just say that. Yeah, because you're in your 40s, probably.

[A]

Doing your best stuff.

[B]

That's what it was. Yeah. Like this, this is the best special you've done and it's because you're 44.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I was like, right, yeah, that makes sense. But what's interesting, I don't know if my daughter will. It could go one of two ways. One, it's like a throwback in the way that people still like watching VHS tapes today. Like because it's fun and people love stand up and it becomes more interesting, more human maybe. Or I think it's probably the smarter money is like it just won't exist in 50 years because I don't think what is standup except like someone with a special skill to remember and deliver, adapt and engage. But you are remembering you like studied something and if that is no longer that interesting, like why remember. What I'm saying is I don't know if my daughter is going to know. It's very interesting memorizing stuff.

[A]

Very interesting point.

[B]

Like and it won't be a.

[A]

Have you seen the thing where the people wear. Have you seen this yet? I'll send you the video. This guy Created this thing, and it, like, goes on his bone here and comes down and he. They can ask him a question.

[B]

A Hasidic Jew. Is that what we're. Is that we? Because that's a culture.

[A]

I don't. I didn't curl.

[B]

You need to grow. He's got this. And he. And he has a little piece of the Talmud is in a thing. Like, what if. I really thought that's what you meant. You mean an orthodox Hasidic.

[A]

If I was acidic, I would do this move every day.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I'd accentuate points with it. I think that's my seat. Yeah. Use it. Use it or lose it, as they say. I don't know what that means.

[A]

That would be my tagline.

[B]

Use it or lose it.

[A]

That'd be my. Get her done.

[B]

Yeah. Or the. What's it called? Teflim.

[A]

The.

[B]

The strings from your. Oh, that they wear from your belt.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Those are pretty cool. I'm not even doing a bit. I think they look cool.

[A]

I forget what I was talking about.

[B]

The guy had a thing in his jawline.

[A]

Oh, yeah. And he would. They would ask him a question, like, what's the capital of Kenya? Or something? And he would think it.

[B]

Yeah, I read. Well, that's what's happening next is mind reading. Yeah.

[A]

And it would Google for him. And in his brain, this thing would Then. And he would have the answer.

[B]

It would hear the answer. It would be in his brain.

[A]

In his brain.

[B]

The answer would show up in his brain.

[A]

The answer would show up in his brain like his brain was taking it in. He would then send it out to this device that was connected mentally. Yeah.

[B]

Like, as you get over there, kind of go to the device.

[A]

And then he would have the answer.

[B]

Well, that's what I'm saying. If this is happening now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And my daughter will be entering. I hate the term the workforce. It sounds like Stalin or something. Now she shall be one of the cogs. But, like, that was the wrong accent. But if that's already kind of happening. I heard Joe Rogan say, like, we're in the Atari version of that. And, like, we'll be in the Xbox version of it. I think people are gonna watch movies from our time and see us in university lecture halls just listening and going like. And writing it down. It actually is fucking like, what is this, 1691? Oh, you write down something they know and write it down in the hopes that you can be disciplined enough to cram it into your brain. And now we're just going like, no, just put it in your brain.

[A]

My daughter's school, her principal's this new principal that they've brought in, and his whole concept is this, like, growth mindset that, like, why waste the time with the things that aren't going to exist? So don't make them have to do those things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cursive is one of the things. I remember. I was at a school meeting this. Are they going to learn curts of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And I dress like Mozart.

[B]

Are they going to learn cursive? Pray tell, please, not cursive. Where you shake a little salt on it afterwards. So the ink dries. Is that what it shall be? No. Get the fuck out of here.

[A]

The person asked, they were like, are they gonna learn cursive? And the teacher was like, I don't want to answer this. And the teacher was like, well, we haven't really found it necessary. And I was about to be like, what the. And then I was like, yeah, it.

[B]

Really is a waste, buddy. It's return addresses on envelopes. It's signing a check. It's all gone. But here's the good news. It doesn't matter what you learn. You. You're learning how to learn.

[A]

That's what they.

[B]

That's what they would say. Right?

[A]

Growth mindset is learning how to be creative because there's always going to be a need, a new creativity.

[B]

Yeah. And learning how to learn. My daughter's in a monastery school, and they're teaching her how to learn. It doesn't matter if it's sewing a little thing or pouring some water from. Into a glass. She's learning how to learn. And that was always my defense of learning algebra and all these things. You're not going to need it. Well, you're learning how to learn. That's all you're doing.

[A]

And I wish you defend algebra.

[B]

I hate.

[A]

Don't you defend it?

[B]

I know, but I think it's going to be interesting to talk about a marketplace of ideas and beliefs and what's valued. If one of the things, and I really think this is sort of pulling the curtain back, is like, how do you remember all those words? How does a standup go up and, like, seamlessly do an hour of talking? If that's no longer interesting, something else will become interesting.

[A]

True. And it'll evolve.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Crowd work.

[B]

And it'll be just crowd work.

[A]

Can I hear your Mitch Edberg story?

[B]

You can. And then you're going to finish here under the. Under the porch story.

[A]

I was.

[B]

Deal. And you'll tell you. You'll tell your Mitch. I'll tell. I'll tell my Mitch. You tell your Mitch, then you tell your porch.

[A]

Mine's not that exciting.

[B]

Mine's not exciting at all.

[A]

But I just love.

[B]

He was smoking a pipe.

[A]

How could you say this?

[B]

He was smoking a. Like a gentleman.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I did not picture him with a ball.

[B]

No, no, it was a regular. Like a Sherlock Holmes pipe.

[A]

Why, hello, Pete.

[B]

Yeah, well, I was.

[A]

Side of his mouth.

[B]

You hear it?

[A]

I think Godfrey smokes a pipe.

[B]

You know, it smells great. I've smoked a pipe. It doesn't taste like it smells. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

My grandfather did every once in a while. Is it. Did he have the pipe that was like this or was it corn cob?

[B]

I think it was more corn cob, but dark wood. Because Zany's downtown is next to that really great tobacco area.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know that one, the old town?

[A]

No. I don't know.

[B]

It doesn't matter. But I wasn't even working. I went and saw him, you know.

[A]

That one opposed to the other one, the old.

[B]

You know that one.

[A]

Tobacco.

[B]

It's next to an apothecary. They'll bloodlet you and sell you a cigar. I would love. I think cigar smoking is so stupid. Just do nicotine.

[A]

I think bloodletting is funny.

[B]

I don't know why we're bringing carbon monoxide into our nicotine consumption. Any who's a woozle, can we act.

[A]

Like we're smoking a pipe?

[B]

Well, where was I? In Utah? I walked by a bar and there was a young hipster smoking a pipe. And I was like, times have changed. They always go like, it's not cool. You know what's cool?

[A]

Cigarettes were cool.

[B]

Letting it in and exhaling it like a dragon. Not, sorry, was your soup too hot? That's the same thing. It's not a cool. If you have to pucker and pop. It's not a cool tobacco experience.

[A]

So Mitch.

[B]

Yeah, Mitch was. And we had just watched him. Part of the story is what I remember from his set, too, because there were bits that he. Not even bits. But, yeah, it was a bit. He talked about on stage how he couldn't sell a TV show. And I remember this bit because I think the logic of it is so bad. That's what made it stand out. He goes, people in LA won't give me a show because they don't think I can entertain people for 30 minutes. But I'm like, every night I do 45 minutes. That's like a TV show and a half, Right. And I'm sitting like. But it's completely different. You know what I mean? I'm just kind of like. And it didn't really work. He was just trying something new, but that stood out. And then after the show, my wife at the time came up with me. And I'm also. I'm just remembering. I think Duane Kennedy opened and he murdered.

[A]

Your wife was a comic?

[B]

No, no, she.

[A]

She was. When you said came up with me.

[B]

It'S like, no, she came upstairs.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And this is not a scandal. But Mitch, very awkwardly, I was like. And he goes, who are you? To my wife? I said, like, whatever. I said. Gave him a real wet sandwich handshake. He's like, gross. Your hand is so clammy. But I've never seen a clam say to another clam, man, you're like a young man's hand doesn't go the other way. Sand is like a million little rocks. But I just wanted to do it.

[A]

It sounds like a bit.

[B]

It does, right? I'm good at channeling other people's voice. Here we go. I go, this is my wife. He goes, who are you? I go, this is my wife. And he goes, if she's your wife, why is she up here? Kind of like. But like, everyone knew. He's not, like, sending groupies up. He was with his wife at the time, but he made, like, an awkward, like. And you could tell he felt weird that he said it. He was like. He almost. Yeah, basically, with his body language, was like, why did I say that? You know? But he did say, like, why is a.

[A]

We never got one. We never got to see Mitch do this.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

And I think if we had gotten to this, we would have found out that Mitch was who Mitch was. Because there's probably a lot of social phobia and a lot of like, oh.

[B]

Yeah, he was awkward.

[A]

Yeah. And. And we never got to see.

[B]

Or he could be awkward just like all of us could be awkward.

[A]

He looked so cool.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

But it was probably just a front for how uncool he felt.

[B]

I watched an early set of his, and I was like, before he had really figured out that pace and stuff. And I was like, he. His dorkiness. And I say this as a dorky guy. I'm like. Was very clear to me. It was just sort of like, you know, a lot of his bits aren't hip. It was like, how he did.

[A]

Oh, sure. And a lot of his bits said by anyone else are not funny.

[B]

Yeah. I remember being in an open mic and a guy had clearly just remember when every 19th comic was just doing Mitch.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And he went up on stage and this is his bit. This bit is coming back from 15 people saw it. And now I'm gonna do it for a lot of people. But he goes like this. He goes, this is not Mitch Hedberg. This is a guy ripping Mitch Hedberg's style. He goes, it's so bad. I dated a woman with no thumbs already. I hate it. I didn't know she had no thumbs until we went hitchhiking. That bitch went nowhere. You liked it. You liked it?

[A]

He liked it. He liked it.

[B]

He liked it. That vision went nowhere. You know what?

[A]

I gave Mitch a joke once.

[B]

I didn't hate it.

[A]

As I said, I gave Mitch a joke and he looked at me like, okay, man, thank you. And meanwhile, I know he was like, I will never use that.

[B]

Yeah, what was it?

[A]

I said, I like to wear camouflage because I'm afraid of war. And that way, if there's a war, I could hide in an Army Navy surplus store.

[B]

That's. I like that.

[A]

I thought it was like. I wrote it for me, and then I was like, it's not funny.

[B]

I'm gonna make it a one liner, though. The best place to hide with camouflage is an Army Navy sewer.

[A]

Better. Way more succinct.

[B]

But it was your premise. I wrote a joke that was very much like Mitch. I probably told on the podcast before, but he goes, I'm gonna tell it like Mitch. But I didn't. But it was the same words. I go, I was in my apartment and there was a moth and I was gonna kill it, but my friend said, don't, otherwise a giant moth might come by and kill you. So I spared it. Now I'm afraid a giant moth is gonna come by and thank me. Wanna give me a big dusty hug? Hang out by the light bulb sometime? I don't need any more friends.

[A]

The last part of it is where you really. You need it. You channel Mitch.

[B]

Oh, I definitely channel. You also need it. There's like a real curve to that where it's like. It's interesting jokes.

[A]

It's like, I don't need any more friends.

[B]

It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It is worth it.

[A]

Like the sandwiches. Sandwiches.

[B]

Sandwiches are like a story that starts with bread and there's a callback at the end.

[A]

Story about Medium is not that exciting. John Bush. Do you know John Bush? He was a New York. New York comic. He was from Minneapolis. He, I guess, was friends with Mitch way back in the day, back there from. I think Mitch was originally a Minnesota comic. Or was he Seattle? Anyway, he comes to New York and he's like. He's in the comic strip where we all kind of hung out there almost as much or more than the seller at the time. And he's like, do you know who this is? And I said, no. He said, this is Mitch Hedberg. He goes, he's really funny. And I was like, okay. It's like, we're gonna go play darts across the street. You want to come? I said, yeah. So we're playing darts and Mitch was really nice. He's like, hello, nice to meet you. And I was like. He's like. And I was like, hey, Mitch, I heard you're really funny or whatever. And he's like, oh, cool, man. Thanks. And I looked down and he's wearing tree torn tennis shoes. Do you remember tree torns? No, tree torns. They kind of actually kind of look like this, but they had a little upside down V. And the only people that wore them were like, Bjorn Borg, the tennis player.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it was mostly women wore them at, like, country clubs in tennis. And I go. And it's like, I. I had nothing to say to him. And I just go, tree torrents. And he goes, yeah, I like them. They're real comfy.

[B]

They're real comfy.

[A]

But it was like he was wearing, like, a woman's shoe.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because it was. He didn't care. Yeah. What anybody thought. He was like, they're comfy. And then I saw him one night say the funniest thing on stage at the Boston Comedy Club. He was bombing so badly.

[B]

Yeah. Wow.

[A]

And everyone did. It was impossible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Unless you, you know, that's where I came up.

[B]

I never thought of him on that stage so hard.

[A]

And he. He's bombing. And he goes, well, okay, I guess that will be it for me. I will be leaving. And the crowd starts doing like this, like, you know, like clapping, kind of like, good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Next comic. And they all start doing the clap. And he goes, no, no, stick to your guns. You did not like me. Wow. And it was just right there. I went, that was like, brilliant how he, you know, no comic would say, yeah, that's like our worst, our lowest moment. We know we've just bombed. We want to get out of there and we just want to shower this off our body.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he said something so funny and leaving. No, stop. You did not like me.

[B]

Dimitri Martin, back to where we were earlier. He went up at the Boston.

[A]

He used to bomb there a lot.

[B]

And he. He didn't do well, but no one did. And I. I'll never forget it because I was bombing probably 20 comics after him at, like, one in the morning. But he went.

[A]

My stink was on the stage.

[B]

Yes. Yeah.

[A]

It was just. Just there. You could feel it.

[B]

Yes. Like a mist. But Dimitri in the middle of his set, and he was doing fine, but he wasn't going well. He goes, I can tell I'm not your cup of tea. Like, he just called it out. I know that's not. It's not as good as your Mitch story, but I just never seen someone acknowledge, like, comfortably. I know I'm not for you. That's okay. Because I'm like, if you're not for them, you deserve to die.

[A]

You know, you've got to think about Demetrius. Confidence, though. I know he dropped out of law school after two years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just. I. I was like, dimitri, maybe you should just finish. Yeah, it's just one more year. Just get it done, man.

[B]

Yeah. And he was like, no, I got this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He knew. And I was like. And I knew how funny he was. I was, like, enamored of him, but he wasn't doing well. And I was like, are you sure? Like, like, you really.

[B]

You're making me realize. What was significant about that story was he was one of my favorite. He is one of my favorites. But at that time, idolizing this guy. He bombed where I was bombing something Gavigan told me when I was starting, he was like, we both kind of had a rough set in Germantown, Wisconsin. And he goes, there are some crowds you don't want to do well for. And I was like, what? Like, I just never. I thought it was supposed to be a home run derby, but really, there's a con. If you bomb with in front of people who just don't have a taste for what you're going for.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can show there will be blood to somebody, and they'll be like, that was boring.

[A]

If I did a show on good. If I did a show on the Capital Steps on January 6th, I'm pretty sure you'd bomb.

[B]

Well, you can't say bomb. You would not do well. You would do poorly. I just said that at the airport.

[A]

No, go ahead. You used the worm.

[B]

No, no, I didn't use the word.

[A]

Bomb, but my bag.

[B]

I only travel with a backpack. If anyone who sees me. Somebody came to my show twice in Utah. I'M like, if you're wondering why I'm wearing the same shirt, it's because I want to travel with a backpack.

[A]

I'm the same way.

[B]

I don't give a who the is going to be like, did you wear the same shirt?

[A]

I don't care. I don't care. I want to travel so lightly. Get out of my house as quickly as possible. It's like a go as quickly as possible.

[B]

It's still packed, Eddie. Yeah, it's still packed. I don't unpack it. I mean, I take the dirty line.

[A]

Somebody told me to keep one in your car. Just keep.

[B]

I have a go bag in my.

[A]

Do you.

[B]

And that's when you gave me your wife's blanket. I was like, this is going in the car. Yeah. Because I've been in situations where it gets cold. I'm like, if we broke down, would need some blankets. I'll be thinking of you as I'm dying. I'm dying slightly slower because of this thin Lagoona beach blanket. I'm just kidding. What was I saying? It doesn't matter.

[A]

The crowd that you want to bomb.

[B]

For, you want to bomb for.

[A]

We still have to talk about the poop.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Thank you. So the bag. Thank you, Katie. Is stuffed. Not horribly, but if you open it, it's going to spring open and stuff is going to fall out.

[A]

It's going to spring open like a parachute, basically.

[B]

And they. And I got randomly selected because I had an apple in my bag that got me flagged. Anyway, so the TSA agent who I'm always like, I don't know if you're this way. It's like when you give too much money to the guy that won't let you use the bathroom. I'm so nice to the tsa, especially if they're kind of curt with me. I'm like, overly like. Anyway, so they're opening the bag, and I go, careful, it's really full. It's going to explode.

[A]

Oh, oh.

[B]

And we both just let it slide. I go, careful, it's really full. It's gonna explode. But it did explode with socks and stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like a prank.

[A]

I'm the same way, though. It's so funny. You do that. Yeah. Okay. So the guy pooped on my steps. I kicked him out of the house. And I said, you're gonna have to leave. And he said, I need to talk to the landlord. And I go, I am your landlord. And I go, you have to go. You've stolen this stuff. So he wouldn't leave. And I said, look, it was like a couple days ago. I'm gonna give you a couple more. I gotta get a truck. I go, look. After a couple days of it, I go, look, we're putting a padlock on there on Friday. You have to have your stuff out by noon on Friday. He's like, okay. So he. I see him unloading. He shouldered me one time on the way out, and he would just give me these dirty looks, wouldn't talk to me. I mean, I can kind of see how he got to the place where he is in life. Like, you know, when.

[B]

Like, he's not a chill hang.

[A]

No, he's just a very oppositional person that. That I saw it come out, and I was like, oh, this is. Yeah, you know, you have. You struggle in life. And I was still trying to be, like, nice to this guy because I felt bad about. But you can't steal stuff and keep it under my house.

[B]

I feel like that's a good line.

[A]

So he leaves. I come home that night, and there is a giant, steamy human shit right in front of my door.

[B]

It's funny how you know a human shit. I mean, you look at one several times a day.

[A]

Yes. But the thing I thought about it, I wasn't that mad. I kind of laughed because I knew I was gonna have to get a shovel and, like, pick it up and throw, which is gonna be like those.

[B]

Things they slide pizzas into ovens. You go. And then put it in an oven, crisp it.

[A]

But I thought it was probably worse for him. Like, I'm a. Yeah. His was a. Yeah. Comfortable with his dis.

[B]

And you're squatting and squat. And your dick gets compressed into this like you're hovering. Yeah.

[A]

Your quads are tightening, and it doesn't want to hit his pants.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And he's just sitting there, and I thought, you know what, you idiot?

[B]

You won.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What a thrill. Eddie, thank you for doing this.

[A]

Oh, this is so much fun.

[B]

So much fun. Effortless. We'll talk about it some other time.

[A]

Some people call my comedy effortless.

[B]

Effortless. Well, I did say it flows. We have the guests say, keep it crispy at the end. It's just the sign off. And I'm just pointing because it says it on that sign. But you do get all this stuff. We have similar hair types. You'll like the modern mammals. You should take the magic mind with you, and you'll get some first person. What is this, a game show? I'm just saying that's. Don't Forget it.

[A]

I can't wait to read Misfit.

[B]

And you can read an advanced unproved copy of Misfit by Gary Gulman.

[A]

Is that really. That's unproved.

[B]

There's no typos in it, though. It's fucking Gary Goldman.

[A]

Yeah. Everything's perfect.

[B]

Yeah, it's perfect. It's. It's. I'm seeing Gary. It's perfect.

[A]

That's. That's a good Gary.

[B]

Perfect. I can see it. Okay. Would you grace us with the Keep it crispy and thank you for being here.

[A]

Keep it crispy and thanks for being here. Very good.

[B]

Very good.

[A]

See why I don't act?

[B]

I drive to your house and poop on the lawn just for that.

[A]

Would be funny if someday Steve burns like I'm the one that took the shit.

[B]

It was me. His dying words, Eddie. It was me.

[A]

It.