Harland Williams Returns

Summary

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – "Harland Williams Returns"

Release Date: April 30, 2025
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Harland Williams

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Episode Overview

In this reunion episode, Pete Holmes welcomes back the unpredictable and surreal comedian Harland Williams for a quintessential "Weird" episode packed with wild riffing, off-the-wall observations, and tangents that veer from pure absurdity to unexpectedly sincere insights on comedy and the human experience. The conversation oscillates between joke-laden free association, rapid-fire bits, and moments of genuine reflection about creativity, happiness, optimism, and legacy.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Joy of Wordplay, Absurdity, and Callback Comedy

• Stream-of-consciousness Riffing: Williams and Holmes demonstrate comic chemistry through perpetual riffing—using each other's jokes as springboards for further absurdity (see the calorie/California/calligraphy bit [02:36], or the evolving "Calvin and Hobbes" as food for a tiger scenario [03:20]).
• Callback Mastery: The conversation is peppered with elaborate callbacks—whether about "butterflying a child" (see [04:02] vs [91:12]) or the recurring motif of dermatological metaphors for comedy and fast food.
• Word Association Play: The pair enjoy exploring how humor can be built on not just the meaning of words but their sound and associative absurdity (e.g., "calorie" as "an aneurysm for California" [02:57]).

2. Harland Williams’ Comedy Philosophy & Identity

• On Nicknames and Meeting People: Harland talks about defaulting to “Harley” because most people haven't encountered “Harland,” and shares mnemonic tricks for introductions ([07:15]).
• Blurring Reality and Bit: They riff on identity, riffing whether "Hobbes was real" in "Calvin and Hobbes," and stretch reality to the breaking point with bits, e.g., about the origins of Hooters, bank robbing at drive-thrus, and whether “JK” means “joking” or “just kidding” ([10:10]-[11:30]).

3. Stand-Up, Movies, and the Ephemeral Nature of Comedy

• Why Do Stand-Up?
  Williams expresses pure love for the craft—describing stand-up as intrinsic, joyful, and not something he’d stop even when busy with other work ([64:10]-[64:41]):

  “I always do it. Even when I’m doing other jobs. I love it so much that if I’m doing a movie or somewhere doing something else, I will find the local comedy clubs.” —Harland ([64:10])

• Stand-Up as Ghosts; Movies as Legacy:
  He contrasts ephemeral live performance with the enduring power of film:

  “Stand up shows are ghosts...they dissipate and vanish. There’s no record of them...But a movie lives in perpetuity.” ([68:19]-[69:26])

• Pete’s Perspective:
  Pete relates how performing stand-up is about personal balance and well-being—“my own well-being...more balanced and stable” ([66:33]-[67:07]).

4. Life, Optimism, and the Future

• Futurism & Technological Optimism:
  Williams embraces future tech, comparing skepticism about AI and neural links today to people on wagon trains dreading the idea of a Corvette Stingray ([50:10]-[51:23]):

  “Let’s embrace the shit that’s coming. I don’t know why people are so scared of it.” —Harland ([50:36])

• Cosmic/Spiritual Hope:
  Williams contends humanity is inherently wired to push toward a better, more harmonious world—whether “God” or not ([53:16]-[54:03]):

  “Maybe we’ll get there. But I think if people carry that optimism...I think it’s important to believe and have hope.” —Harland ([53:47])

• Happiness Defined:
  When asked what makes him happy, Williams answers with endearing earnestness:

  “Happy faces. You know, the emoji, the happy face.” ([25:32])
  But then broadens:
  “The world. Life, man. Just getting up and living and breathing and having a fucking box of onion rings and making people laugh and talking...Everything makes me happy.” ([63:37]-[63:58])

5. Pop Culture, Impressions, and Parody

• Movie Debate:
  Harland picks Citizen Kane and the original Blade Runner as his favorites, praising their artistic impact ([59:24]-[60:04]). Pete confesses he likes the newer Blade Runner for its Gosling-centric story and visuals, leading to a playful but sincere “cinephile showdown” ([60:41]-[61:38]).
• Deadpool and Sarcasm in Modern Movies:
  The two dissect why continuous, relentless sarcasm (as in Deadpool) can undermine emotional grounding in modern blockbusters, contrasting it with the “reverse formula” of movies past ([71:41]-[73:44]).
• Impressions and Animal-based Bits:
  The episode is heavy with riffed impressions—Simon & Gargoyle [14:03], Foghorn Leghorn [17:49], and others, and oddball gags about animal anatomy or fast food (“bucket of skin” at KFC [81:14]).

6. Mortality, Embalming, and the Absurd Humor of Death

• Dark Absurdities:
  Pete and Harland discuss funerals, embalming, and the odd things bodies go through in the process, always weaving in humor about anatomy and family ([35:28]-[36:37]).
• How To Die Funnier:
  Jokes about funny deaths (clown murders, golfing strokes, and more) serve as fodder for silliness but are a recurring way for the two to push boundaries and keep each other off-balance ([32:03]-[33:43]).

7. Social Commentary (Hidden in Riffing)

• On Fast Food and Health:
  Jokes about KFC “buckets of skin” and “bucket of meat for the health-conscious” are vehicles for commentary on American gluttony and marketing ([81:21]-[83:36]).
• Manual Labor vs. Creative Work:
  Much love is shown for tradespeople and practical skills—pointing out how society idolizes creatives but relies utterly on practical, skilled labor ([76:05]-[77:32]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Absurdist Logic:

  “The first three letters in calories is cal. Oh, so it’s an aneurysm for California.” —Harland ([02:57])

• On Comedy Identity:

  “If I’m meeting someone I know I’m never gonna see again... Harley. Like Harley Davidson. Then they never forget it.” —Harland ([07:38])

• On Ephemeral Stand-Up:

  “Stand up shows are ghosts... they all dissipate. They go away and they go to the grave with the people that saw them.” —Harland ([68:19])

• Optimism About Progress:

  “Let’s embrace the shit that’s coming. I don’t know why people are so scared of it.” —Harland ([50:36])

• On Why He Does Stand-Up:

  “I just love it so much.” —Harland ([64:10])

• On Unbridled Joy:

  “The world. Life, man. Just getting up and living and breathing and having a fucking box of onion rings and making people laugh and talking... Everything makes me happy.” —Harland ([63:37])

• Dissecting Superhero Fatigue:

  “They’re becoming predictable, mundane, repetitive and boring.” —Harland (Marvel movies, [70:57])

• On Chicken Skin at KFC:

  “Just give me the skin. Give me a bucket of skin. Nobody eats the damn chicken. We rip the skin off like a gazelle getting stripped by a pack of hyenas.” —Harland ([81:21])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Harland’s Absurd Calorie Bit – 02:36
• Calvin & Hobbes (Tiger as Master bit) – 03:20
• Hooters, Body Commentary, and Bank Robbing – 08:31–10:24
• Callback Masterclass ("Butterflying a kid like a shrimp") – 04:02, [91:12]
• On Nicknames and Meeting Strangers – 07:15–07:38
• Funeral/Death Humor and Absurdities – 35:28–36:37
• Legacy of Stand-Up vs. Movies – 68:19–69:26
• Futurism & AI Optimism – 50:10–54:03
• Philosophy of Happiness – 63:37–63:58
• Pop Culture Movie Debate (Blade Runner, Citizen Kane) – 59:24–61:38
• KFC ‘Bucket of Skin’ Bit – 81:14–83:36
• Clown Origins & Social Satire – 33:06–34:18
• Praise for Tradesmen and Practical Skills – 76:05–77:32

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Tone & Comedic Style

Wildly playful, surreal, and full of inventive wordplay and meta-commentary—the episode is a masterclass in free-associative riffing. Even the darkest subjects (death, embalming, disease) are playfully deconstructed into bits, with Pete serving as the straight man who tries to bring things back while Harland keeps pushing into further comic surrealism. There are intermittent moments of warmth and sincerity, especially when it comes to discussing stand-up as an artform, the future, and happiness.

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Conclusion

This episode is both a celebration of off-the-rails comedy and a candid glimpse into the mind of a comedian who finds joy in the weirdest places. Williams and Holmes riff with abandon, sprinkle in earnest (if fleeting) reflections, and never miss a beat in turning the most mundane topic (from bank robbery to KFC chicken skin) into something hilarious or philosophically odd. A must-listen for fans of comic wordplay, existential tangents, or anyone needing a reminder to “keep it crispy” and embrace the weird.

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Final Callback
Pete: "Would you say Harland Highway is the podcast? It's amazing. ‘Keep it crispy’ is the catchphrase..." Harland: “Keep it Krispy Kreme even. And now all the callbacks are complete.” ([92:13])

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Transcript

[Harland Williams]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird.

[Harland Williams]

Yes, you did.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is the return of the incredible, hilarious, warm, affable, kind, sweet and hilarious Harland Williams. Harland has his own podcast. It's called the Harland Highway. I've been on many times, and the last time I did it, I was like, we just have to do this on. You made it weird. It's just what we do. We get together, we riff, we're silly. He's stream of consciousness. Why am I telling you what he is? You're about to hear, so I'm glad you're here. And please, please, please enjoy the incredible Harlan Williams. The only thing I'm going to plug up top is my tour dates. I goofed. I shouldn't have called this tour the PG13 tour. It is too dirty to call it the PG13 tour. I wouldn't say it's filthy, but it' PG13. I also realized, why am I asking people to look at this, like, through that lens, through, like a critical lens? Like, is he. Is he staying within the lines that he painted for himself? That's. That's not what comedy is to me. This is just a normal Pete Holmes set, just like I've done for 20 years. So go to peteholmes.com it is now called the Pete Here now tour. I'm coming up on Toronto. I can't wait for Toronto. We have our show in Los angeles. Oh, sorry. May 1st. I'm here in Utah. I'm going to be at Wise Guys just for one night. If you saw me most recently in Utah, it's basically the same set. But if you missed me last time I was in Utah, come see me on May 1st. That's. That's tomorrow. If you're hearing this the day it came out, Louisiana on May 24, followed by Nashville, Irvine, San Jose, Houston, Royal Oak, Michigan, Washington, D.C. boston, St. Louis, Cleveland, Homestead, Philadelphia, Philadelphia. Philadelphia is not a state. Pennsylvania and Atlantic City, New Jersey. We're also going to be announcing New York pretty soon, so go to peteholmes.com and get tickets to the Pete Here now tour. I hope to see you out there. And in the meantime, enjoy my chat with the incomparable Harlan Williams. Get into it. Get in here. Hard.

[Harland Williams]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Always repping the pure leaf. Real brewed tea. Yeah, I've always known that about you, that you love lemon. It's a lot of. That's a lot of sugar. If this has 150 calories. Hard land. Yep.

[Harland Williams]

It has what?

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of sugar, bro.

[Harland Williams]

Calories don't mean anything to me.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Harland Williams]

Well, I'm from California.

[Pete Holmes]

This has 38 grams of sugar in it.

[Harland Williams]

I'm from California.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you.

[Harland Williams]

Are you sure?

[Pete Holmes]

Because you're drinking Cleveland right now.

[Harland Williams]

Well, the first three letters in calories is cal. Oh, so it's an aneurysm for California.

[Pete Holmes]

I see. An aneurysm.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. And so it's. You know when you call a fly a word.

[Pete Holmes]

K. Fly.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Calligraphy.

[Harland Williams]

Calligraphy.

[Pete Holmes]

If you write California in calligraphy, it says calorie calories. And Calvin and Hobbes is also an allegory for calories and carbohydrates and imaginary tigers. Was he imaginary?

[Harland Williams]

He was.

[Pete Holmes]

Or was Hobbes the only real one?

[Harland Williams]

Hobbs was imaginary and it was actually. The tiger was real and that was his slave kid.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I've always thought, that Calvin was an indentured servant or he was.

[Harland Williams]

Just a side meal. Because sometimes tigers want to keep a kid around. Well, you want some meat.

[Pete Holmes]

Around.

[Harland Williams]

Around. And meat badly. Well, they're predators. They got to hunt.

[Pete Holmes]

And before refrigerators, the best way to keep meat fresh was to just have a living.

[Harland Williams]

Kid around.

[Pete Holmes]

Child.

[Harland Williams]

Befriend it. Pretend your buddies go on slides.

[Pete Holmes]

Buffet it.

[Harland Williams]

Buffet it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a walking buffet. Fillet.

[Harland Williams]

Butterfly it like a shrimp. Have you ever butterflied a kid like a shrimp? You will.

[Pete Holmes]

You will.

[Harland Williams]

You will. I won't, but you certainly most will. You must you most. You will. You must. You most. You will. Stop fondling my beverage. I have to put that on my mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Harland Williams]

Now you're.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but.

[Harland Williams]

Playing fingers. Your Billy Joel piano playing fingers are all over the rim of my delicious sugar free tea.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to tell you the story.

[Harland Williams]

Get your grease crap. No, off my feet. Off my. I can play this game, guy. Look here. Here. How about this?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no.

[Harland Williams]

Playing with a horseshoe crab earlier.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, all right.

[Harland Williams]

You're. You're not wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not wrong. I'm trying to save you from those 38 hard gram.

[Harland Williams]

Is that bad? You don't like sugar? Har.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone likes sugar.

[Harland Williams]

Har.

[Pete Holmes]

What are.

[Harland Williams]

You.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't say your own name is a. You don't like sugar, huh? It's not a way to talk.

[Harland Williams]

You don't like sugar. Hey, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the way. My name. Not your name, but wait.

[Harland Williams]

You don't like the sugs.

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't drink that.

[Harland Williams]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Because in an Hour and a half. You're gonna be, like, depressed, angry, and irritable, and you won't even know why.

[Harland Williams]

Not me?

[Pete Holmes]

You will.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, I can drink a can of coke and go right to bed and fall asleep.

[Pete Holmes]

You're one of those.

[Harland Williams]

It doesn't affect me.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you. Which? The sugar and the caffeine?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, how do you get your.

[Harland Williams]

They say cows have seven stomachs. I had a sonogram about four weeks ago.

[Pete Holmes]

I think we have. We pretty much confirmed.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, that's confirmed science. That's cow stomach science. But I have. I have six kidneys and two livers.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew that about you.

[Harland Williams]

And so this sugar just passes through me like Dolly Parton through a screw green door at a haunted fun house. Would you not spray on me, too? I already got this. I don't need the saliva to match the fingerprints.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, does Dolly Parton go easily through a screen door?

[Harland Williams]

It's like a forensic file. There's so many fingerprints on this. I don't know what to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the guy that loaded it, or.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, there he go.

[Pete Holmes]

He did that.

[Harland Williams]

There he goes with your little dill pickle. Grabbing fingers out of the jar, sucking. Why do the dill pickles have to have the bumps on them, too?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the little dick bumps.

[Harland Williams]

They're like little warts.

[Pete Holmes]

Because pickles are very promiscuous and they don't wear protection.

[Harland Williams]

I don't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, nobody likes it.

[Harland Williams]

Like, they're already a nice soft texture, but they get those little bumps.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but you kind of like it.

[Harland Williams]

Well, I did it, so I think.

[Pete Holmes]

No, but I'm telling you, there's a.

[Harland Williams]

Podcaster in this room that's not listening.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm telling you.

[Harland Williams]

Huge part of podcasting. I think it's half of it. You talk, you're not listening right now. You don't know when to talk of reality. You have to split people. And now you're all over it. I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

I love you, too. Thanks for coming on the show.

[Harland Williams]

And who am I? Har.

[Pete Holmes]

You're Har.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, Har.

[Pete Holmes]

You're Har Land.

[Harland Williams]

Har.

[Pete Holmes]

Did anyone ever call you Hard Land?

[Harland Williams]

Not Hard Land. I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I like it, too.

[Harland Williams]

I got Harley Davidson. I got Harley.

[Pete Holmes]

Harley.

[Harland Williams]

Harley.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Harley's cool. You know, when I meet people, I often just say Harley, because no one's heard Harland. So every time. What? What is it? And I just. Oh, God. So I just. If I'm meeting someone, I know I'm never gonna see them again. Yeah. Like, you know when you meet a rando at a party or. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Like what should I single use person?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. If I'm playing tennis and a new guy can. I'm never gonna play with. Yeah. Harley.

[Pete Holmes]

Harley.

[Harland Williams]

And they go, harley? Yeah, Like Harley Davidson. Then they never forget it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's a mnemonic.

[Harland Williams]

Because I can't say Harland like Colonel Saunders, because his name was Harland. It's Colonel Harland Saunders.

[Pete Holmes]

But if I were named Harland.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd say Harland, like Harlan Williams. You are the first Harland. If you Google as I did.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

You type in Harland?

[Harland Williams]

You know, Colonel Saunders is way more famous than me.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that chicken is fucking delicious.

[Harland Williams]

Right? Full of sugar, 38 grams. You know what I do? I like to go in and the kids get mad at me. The zit faced, braces wearing kids. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Voices are cracking. Hi, would you like some chicken? Would you like.

[Pete Holmes]

And they won't say breast.

[Harland Williams]

Would you like?

[Pete Holmes]

They're too embarrassed.

[Harland Williams]

Although I was in Bakersfield and one guy said, would you like some titty knockers? Like, he wouldn't say breasts, but he called them titty knockers.

[Pete Holmes]

Hooter. Hooters of chicken.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Would you like some chicken?

[Pete Holmes]

Hooters.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. This kid was.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what they call it. Wait a minute.

[Harland Williams]

Hooters.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait a minute. What Is that why hooters is called hooters? They serve wings, not breasts. Hooters is called hooters. Couple problems with hooters. One, it's a leg forward restaurant.

[Harland Williams]

A what?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a leg forward.

[Harland Williams]

What's that mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean all the waitresses, it seems like it's a leg outfit. Like it's a leg featuring outfit.

[Harland Williams]

Leg segueing in the buttock cheek.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Into an orange lower horizon.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. It's like somebody highlighted a butt with an orange highlighter.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then like, like pantyhose.

[Harland Williams]

They wear like pantyhose nylons, I think nylons. I know that because I used to be a bank robber, so I knew that about you.

[Pete Holmes]

If you did rob a bank, how would you do it? I know you. You'd smooth talk. You're going and going, Harley, like Davidson. You get him laughing and then you go, I'm not gonna pass you a note. Just believe me when I say I mean business. Give me the cash in the drawer.

[Harland Williams]

Just another little podcast tip.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Next time when you ask me a question.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Harland Williams]

Don't provide your answer. Let me answer. No, no, no. No, no, because that's not how I do it. I'm getting angry.

[Pete Holmes]

There's leading questions.

[Harland Williams]

I'm already getting angry.

[Pete Holmes]

And then there's three minutes where you take them all the way to the river and you make them drink.

[Harland Williams]

Listen, Dollywood, I'm going through a screen door. I. I'm a drive through guy. There are banks around that have a drive through window.

[Pete Holmes]

And you can rob from that.

[Harland Williams]

You can rob. They're right at the drive through window. You go, give me all the 20s, hundreds. I feel like denominations and with curly fries. Oh, you get a snack with one.

[Pete Holmes]

Of those Carl's Juniors. Yeah. Chase Juniors.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Oh, tender tears.

[Pete Holmes]

Apparently, note passing is a very easy way to rob a bank, but you only get the cash in the drawer.

[Harland Williams]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

If you want the vault, that's when you have to jump over the glass. You're gonna have to take some hostages. It's gonna be gross.

[Harland Williams]

Is it even a thing nowadays when we live in a world of credit cards and Apple Pay and PayPal? Like, do you really want to go into a bank and say, give me. Give me a big stack of paper money. You don't even know what to do with that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you have to mail it to PayPal Inc. Like, add this to my account.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're going to deposit into another bank. And how good do you feel about that?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, Nobody knows.

[Pete Holmes]

I just got this from a bank.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Way to bring it around. And way to do a kind of a verbal donut.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a verb dough.

[Harland Williams]

A verb dough.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Which is where I get my Airbnb. Vrbo.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, Jake.

[Pete Holmes]

Jk. I use Airbnb.

[Harland Williams]

Jk.

[Pete Holmes]

Jk.

[Harland Williams]

Joking.

[Pete Holmes]

J. Just kidding.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, just kidding. Oh, so JK is just kidding, not joking.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you think it was joking?

[Harland Williams]

Well, joking could be a verbalism for an aneurysm.

[Pete Holmes]

If you remove the vowels from joking, it's jk.

[Harland Williams]

But what if it's jfk? Is anybody laughing that a president took a shot to the head twice. Is that funny?

[Pete Holmes]

Did they get him twice?

[Harland Williams]

Twice. There was one from behind, one from the front, from the grassy knoll. And then they just released the JFK files. And apparently someone took a shot from a kfc, so it was like a JFK KFC type of arrangement.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's why Harland is more famous than you, that Harland? Yeah, as Colonel Sanders.

[Harland Williams]

The colonel took a shot.

[Pete Holmes]

Which part of that was real, though? They did have a. Is it confirmed that there's a shot from the front?

[Harland Williams]

Well, yeah, if you look at The Jehuder tapes.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a Brooder.

[Harland Williams]

Hooters. What? Shahuder.

[Pete Holmes]

Zabruders is a leg forward restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's grainy in there.

[Harland Williams]

Chicken right in front of you.

[Pete Holmes]

They shoot it, they bring it out. It's back into the left, into the ranch. Is that too soon?

[Harland Williams]

No. No, it's not too soon. Never, Never. With me and you, it's never too soon. Whoever's watching.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

It's too soon for them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Between us, it's almost not soon enough.

[Pete Holmes]

It can't be too soon if time is just how the thinking mind perceives eternity.

[Harland Williams]

I wished you had opened with it because it wasn't soon enough for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Like that wasn't too soon. You should have said it yesterday.

[Harland Williams]

You should have said it when we first sat down.

[Pete Holmes]

When we first sat down. I should have said, there's a Zapruder. It's like a Hooters restaurant. And the chicken gets dipped back into the left because that's where the ranch is.

[Harland Williams]

I think it would have set a nice tone for what we're doing here.

[Pete Holmes]

Tone.

[Harland Williams]

By the way, I'm tanning over. Have you ever been to Tantastic on Melrose? That's where I do my. My tanning.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you really tan?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You just chug 38 GS of sugar and then go sit in the UV, get nude.

[Harland Williams]

And I put those. Those little eye goggles on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

I accidentally put them on my nuts one day.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And I got home that night, my girlfriend thought there was a dragonfly loose in the room and she kicked me. Right. Well, if you're gonna laugh, maybe this isn't the conversation for me. What guy? God. God. Gargoyle. Grimps.

[Pete Holmes]

Gargoyle. Simon and Gargoyle. My favorite cover of the Monster Match is by Simon and Gargoyle.

[Harland Williams]

Wouldn't you love to be walking down, like, New York, like on 5th and 29th or whatever? And I'll say, hello, Dr. Sm. And you see, you look up, you see Simon and Garfunkel hanging on the side of a building, singing, and then.

[Pete Holmes]

You have it ready to go. More like Simon and Gargoyle.

[Harland Williams]

Simon and Gargoyle.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody hears you, and then you're hit by a bus.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, I would love to get hit by a bus. A double decker. A British one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

It feels like you're getting hit by two buses in one.

[Pete Holmes]

And you were hit on the goofy side of the street.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Two buses.

[Harland Williams]

Two buses in one.

[Pete Holmes]

It's too much bus.

[Harland Williams]

Not for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Not enough.

[Harland Williams]

If I want to get hit by a bus, I want a double Decker or a Greyhound on the way to Bakersfield.

[Pete Holmes]

The dog or the bus?

[Harland Williams]

I'd like to get hit by a dog and then a bus. I mean, why not? I like to double it up, you know? I like to double.

[Pete Holmes]

So here's the short film. We're going to enter all the festivals. You're crossing the street on your way to Bakersfield, A lean, gray greyhound dog runs into you. You kind of pick it up and you go, oh, yeah, thank God it wasn't the other kind of greyhound.

[Harland Williams]

Boom.

[Pete Holmes]

Before you can even say greyhound, you're smashed by a Greyhound bus.

[Harland Williams]

And then it's a double greyhound.

[Pete Holmes]

Double greyhound. And I think it says Finn to give it kind of like an artsy.

[Harland Williams]

Flavor of what now?

[Pete Holmes]

Fin.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, the end. Fin.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Italian or French?

[Pete Holmes]

Joaquin. Joaquin Phoenix means the guacamole is over. Let's rise again from the ashes.

[Harland Williams]

That's not nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Joaquin. That's over the line.

[Harland Williams]

You know he can't eat guacamole because of his cleft lip.

[Pete Holmes]

It's been fixed, man.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, but it's still guac ready. It's demented. It looks like he's whistling with barbed wire.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't join you on this riff.

[Harland Williams]

Well, you go on the queen.

[Pete Holmes]

I just brought up Joaquin.

[Harland Williams]

You said qua quim, and then you said avocado wok cream.

[Pete Holmes]

Phoenix is a different person.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, the guy's lip is. I'm aware that he has a Predator 3. Or. Or what's that one he did? Predator 3? No, the. The one with the. The guys in the leather and the. The thing in Rome. They're glad they're there.

[Pete Holmes]

Gladiator.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, they're gladiators. Yeah. His lip is, like, seven ways to Thursday, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not.

[Harland Williams]

It looks like he got an apple at Halloween and there was a Gillette in it.

[Pete Holmes]

That was a rumor. That happened.

[Harland Williams]

How do you get your lips?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a birth thing.

[Harland Williams]

I don't know. If him and Angelina Jolie put those lips together, you'd have, like, the Caesarean Gap and the. You know that. Where James Cameron went down in the ocean with the deepest part.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we going to bring the people that died looking for the Titanic into this riff?

[Harland Williams]

The Crush family. You know what? No, I'm not kidding. Did you watch the footage? One of the kids was drinking a Grape Crush.

[Pete Holmes]

That can't be.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, look at the foot. He's got a Grape Crush halfway to his lips, and the thing cracked Crushed.

[Pete Holmes]

And a Nestle Crunch bar. I'll join you because you're my guest. I have to.

[Harland Williams]

I am. Or are you my guest? Am I Calvin or am I Hobbs?

[Pete Holmes]

Hobbs was the only real one.

[Harland Williams]

But I'm sure I'm here.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, wait, wait. Let's do clickbait. Did you know in Calvin and Hobbes, there's a theory that Hobbes is the only real one?

[Harland Williams]

No. Tell me.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that'll go viral.

[Harland Williams]

I think that reeked.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't like it.

[Harland Williams]

Well, it had no beginning, middle, and end.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, well, then the beginning is. Did you know in. In Calvin and Hobbes, Hobbs is actually the only real one? Calvin is a figment of his imagination. And you can prove this?

[Harland Williams]

I say. I say.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, and I say One Leghorn was a man in a rooster costume.

[Harland Williams]

I. I'll say. I'll say. Nice boy, but about as sharp as a bowling ball.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that.

[Harland Williams]

Remember that Foghorn? Famous Foghorn Leghorn line? You didn't think I was gonna come? Ready guy.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I know you do bird impressions. I know you do bird impressions. I didn't know you did Foghorn.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know who I like?

[Harland Williams]

Who?

[Pete Holmes]

You're on the podcast.

[Harland Williams]

Even. Heavens to Murgatroyd. Even. Exit Stage Podcast. Even. Let's make love in the bedroom. Even.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that Snagglepuss?

[Harland Williams]

No, it's Steven.

[Pete Holmes]

Even Steven?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. You didn't know his name was Steven?

[Pete Holmes]

Steven. He's doing what you do, Har. He was doing your thing.

[Harland Williams]

It's even Steve.

[Pete Holmes]

It's even Stepheny.

[Harland Williams]

Even. Even Steven Spielberg. Even.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, even Steven. Even Everybody. Okay, so it's. Everybody likes it. We cut to Steven Spielberg. Standing ovation. Even Steven. Even. There's your clip.

[Harland Williams]

God, is that chair denim?

[Pete Holmes]

It is. This is a Jay Leno.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, I thought it was a Levi's.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no Levi's. Oh, nah, I don't know.

[Harland Williams]

It's a Leno.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, racists won't wear Levi's because they're made. But I think it's a Jewish company. So fun.

[Harland Williams]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Skinheads won't wear Levi's.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, what a shame, because they look so good in them.

[Pete Holmes]

A skinhead in a 501.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I'm cut. A boot slim with a little. Oh, a little fold and then the Doc Martens.

[Harland Williams]

I mean, there's nothing like a neck stomp on a curb when you see a nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Before you. Okay. American History X.

[Harland Williams]

There's my guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Reference noted. I just want to know As I brought up racist. Where? Levi's. I was like, why am I putting that quarter in this jukebox? Because you're gonna play chicken with me all day.

[Harland Williams]

The music's gotta play.

[Pete Holmes]

The music's gotta play.

[Harland Williams]

But I feel like we went around. You had a legit question about the shooting of jfk. Oh, I did, and I believe there really was. Part of the mystery is if you watch the brassiere tape, his head goes forward. His head goes forward.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

But then there's also. It goes back.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

There's no way your head goes back if you're getting shot from behind. But he goes severely back.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

[Harland Williams]

They claim that there was a shooter behind the grassy knoll.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And I was wondering, is it legitimate that they did release new information about that?

[Harland Williams]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That seems fake. That seemed fake the way you said it.

[Harland Williams]

Well, you can. I mean, were you.

[Pete Holmes]

Where Were you on November 22?

[Harland Williams]

I was at Noel Berry Farms going on the rides.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean Knott's Berry.

[Harland Williams]

Knott's Berry Farms.

[Pete Holmes]

There's got to be a sketch where a detective keeps helping the person. Like, you mean knots?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay. And it's like, stop helping him. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And then he actually shows up at the trial, and he's still helping him.

[Pete Holmes]

Help the two good cops.

[Harland Williams]

Helpful. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Open it up.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You ever see that Letterman on Charlie Rose where he wants to light his cigar the entire interview? It's very funny. It's like he keeps trying to light it and.

[Harland Williams]

Power sock. They call me Daddy Power Suck down at the ymca. Dude, stop, stop, stop. Immed immediately.

[Pete Holmes]

Is the YMCA a hotbed for homosexual activity? I think it was, like, in the seventies.

[Harland Williams]

I don't know. I do there go to do I use the steam room like this.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's gotta be ground zero if it's happening.

[Harland Williams]

I don't know. It's so steamy in there. You can't see. You can feel things.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody's gray in the gay.

[Harland Williams]

It's almost like you're in the room.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody's gay in the gray. Excuse me.

[Harland Williams]

I said it wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone's gay in the gray.

[Harland Williams]

But when you get in the steam room, you don't know if it's gay or straight because you can't see.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying.

[Harland Williams]

Like a. It's almost like being in a car wash. When you go through things that you don't know if it's a woman, a man, it's a mist of pleasure.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a mist of pleasure.

[Harland Williams]

It's a mist of pleasure.

[Pete Holmes]

You go in and you're so confused, but you leave relaxed. You have a cigarette.

[Harland Williams]

I think of it like Skull island in King Kong, remember? Where they're. They're lost in that. They call it a pea soup fog, maybe with a hint of bacon. And. And you come through. And they come through it. And there's Skull Island. It's not registered. It's not documented on any map. There's no toperary, toper area, no topographic. And there's this mysterious island with this giant manape. He's 38ft tall.

[Pete Holmes]

Manape.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, huge manape. Have you seen King Kong? The Ridge, the Orig. And the. The one with Jessica Lang and.

[Pete Holmes]

And the Jordan Voight Roberts one, The new one. No, that's Skull Island.

[Harland Williams]

No, those are the Peter Jackson ones with Jack Black and. And then Peter Jack, Skull Island. But there was one in between with Jeff Bridges and Jessica.

[Pete Holmes]

I just think this. There's a big ape over there and I think we should give him a ride. It wasn't good at the end. It came out at the end wrong, though. I just think we should go to Skull island and take a look around.

[Harland Williams]

And can I introduce a concept? What if he sees the hairy ape and he asks, does anyone have a razor?

[Pete Holmes]

Look at that thing, man.

[Harland Williams]

Does anybody have a razor? You need a shaveless ape.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you just got a big man, man. Yeah, it's pretty good. It got better as we went. Jeff Bridges is.

[Harland Williams]

I don't like to swear, but. Oh, my fucking Christ. What did I just see? You are like a bridge over troubled impressions. Wow. Pop goes the weasel. A bridge over troubled impressions.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never seen a King Kong that made me feel like he was really big. Because once you get close on him, he just looks like a gorilla. I need. I need that perspective.

[Harland Williams]

But didn't they do that the whole movie? Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Now that you say it.

[Harland Williams]

Did you watch it on a. On your Apple Iwatch or something? I mean, what are you talking.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, now that you say it.

[Harland Williams]

Movie was predicated on making it look huge. Were you squinting the whole time? Good Lord. Learn how to use your eyes, please. Okay, you're a good talker, but learn to use the eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever said something and immediately you're like, what am I saying? Like, that was.

[Harland Williams]

And you're so deep into it, you can't get out.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't get out.

[Harland Williams]

Realize it's a huge blunder.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a blunder.

[Harland Williams]

So now you got to try to convince the other person. But I didn't take the bait. The ant didn't walk into the ant trap.

[Pete Holmes]

And if I can give myself a compliment, at least, I immediately collapsed. I just was like, I don't know what I'm talking about.

[Harland Williams]

And what's so gracious about you is that you fessed up to it and you admitted you didn't try to hide and weave.

[Pete Holmes]

Just say, I don't know what I.

[Harland Williams]

Why? It was beautiful. It was beautiful to see the honesty. We need more integrity. We need more people. See that in today's landscape. Today.

[Pete Holmes]

You're absolutely right.

[Harland Williams]

I love you for that.

[Pete Holmes]

We need more of it.

[Harland Williams]

Thank you for. Thank you for that. Just wonderful to see. It's just missing in society.

[Pete Holmes]

Harlan, what makes you happy?

[Harland Williams]

Oh, God, I love happy faces. You know, the emoji, the happy face.

[Pete Holmes]

That can't be your answer.

[Harland Williams]

It is. Yeah. Happy.

[Pete Holmes]

Your answer can't be the happy face. Emoji.

[Harland Williams]

Cancer can't be what?

[Pete Holmes]

Your cancer.

[Harland Williams]

What did you say?

[Pete Holmes]

What is the. Wait, when we. When we cure cancer.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Giant stage doctor comes out and goes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the cancer answer. The curtain falls down and they just unveil it.

[Harland Williams]

Wait, they unveil what?

[Pete Holmes]

Don't call it the cure for cancer. Say we're looking for the cancer answer. I'm just saying it's a grim topic. Lighten it up a little bit.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you agree?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. I thought you were kind of going with, is there a. Because we're talking emojis. I thought you were going to say the curtain falls and there's a cancer emoji.

[Pete Holmes]

There is no cancer emoji.

[Harland Williams]

Which is sort of lame because you have one for shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Harland Williams]

Like, that's as dark as a bowel movement with eyes on it, and it's smiling.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Like it's a happy shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, happy shit.

[Harland Williams]

So why can't there be a black melanoma scab with eyes and just, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Why can't we make cancer happy again the way it used to be?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I don't make cancer happy again. Is that your hat? Is that what your hat says?

[Harland Williams]

No, it says, be a good human. Be a good human.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, I didn't even read it.

[Harland Williams]

I met a training guy, came up to me the other day. He thought it said, have some good humus. Or hummus.

[Pete Holmes]

Have some good humus.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or Hunan beef. Be a good Hunan.

[Harland Williams]

Be a good Hunan.

[Pete Holmes]

Be a good. Oh, you're eating some beef and you go, you haven't Eaten it yet. And you go, oh, please, be a good Hunan. Please.

[Harland Williams]

Imagine you have a hat that says, be a good Hunan. And you can feel someone looking at you at a diner. And you look over and there's a cow just glaring at you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's our second short film.

[Harland Williams]

Ow.

[Pete Holmes]

Right on the nards. Right on the dragonfly.

[Harland Williams]

There's a sponge on here. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do you think this is for wind? It's actually because we're always dropping.

[Harland Williams]

We're dropping it on the old Lululemon.

[Pete Holmes]

On the. Right, on the Lululemon.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. On the way. On the way over here, I got into a slap.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Harland Williams]

There's an old lady and I. What are you drinking, by the way?

[Pete Holmes]

This is just a green. Look at. Dark green. That is. That's a dark green juice.

[Harland Williams]

Like Shrek's urine sample.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I had a dream about Mike Myers last night.

[Harland Williams]

I said Shrek.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but who is the voice of Shrek? Don't say Chris Farley. Oh, Donkey. No, it went on the nards again. The Lulus.

[Harland Williams]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta get it clear of the lulu. So if you're gonna drop the mic, it needs to be.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, it's like a. What you did. You did. Sign of a drop throw dt.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, nice. Good technique. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You love emojis.

[Harland Williams]

Well, emojis, yeah, but I was saying we should have. We should have a happy cancer emoji.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, but that's what I was gonna say. I think with the new iPhone, you can tell it to make you an emoji. So you couldn't say that, but you could say, make a black circle with a smiley face. It would do it.

[Harland Williams]

That could be misinterpreted as a raw shock emoji, though.

[Pete Holmes]

Roshak.

[Harland Williams]

Like a raw shock.

[Pete Holmes]

Rorschach. Rorschach.

[Harland Williams]

Rorschach.

[Pete Holmes]

Rorschach.

[Harland Williams]

Rorschach from Night Stalker. Emoji from Watchmen. Yep, Rorschach. Raw shock.

[Pete Holmes]

Rorschach.

[Harland Williams]

Also a flavor of Baskin Robbins. It's like black licorice and vanilla. And you get, like, in. On some bubble gum. You get a comic at the bottom of the cone, you get a psychological evaluation.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that.

[Harland Williams]

Wonderful.

[Pete Holmes]

Was there cones that had cartoons at the bottom?

[Harland Williams]

No, but the Rashaw cone. If basket that baskin Robin down in the bottom, it has. It's almost like a fortune cookie, but as a psychological evaluation.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Basket Case robins.

[Harland Williams]

Daddy put the candle in the window and the apple cobbler in the oven. Baby's coming home.

[Pete Holmes]

Who's better than you. I'm gonna say this.

[Harland Williams]

We need.

[Pete Holmes]

How much would people pay to just have you spend their birthday with them? Like it's somebody's birthday.

[Harland Williams]

I don't like birthdays. I'm anti birthday. I hate placenta. We were all born. We were. When we were all born, we were covered in placenta.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true. The seaweed of the womb.

[Harland Williams]

Right. And I just. The smells never left me. And so whenever. Whenever I get around a birthday or even. It's just I have these traumatic memories of. I almost feel like I'm in this. Swimming in bean with bacon Campbell soup without a cracker. Definitely not soon enough.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to watch that again because you're doing the riff. I think it's over. So I start talking, and then you slip in without a cracker and slipped.

[Harland Williams]

It under a Ritz. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like getting hit in the face with an oar. It was unbelievable.

[Harland Williams]

Well done. Yeah. Thank you. Or also one of my favorite minerals.

[Pete Holmes]

Or.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Or. Or. Yeah. Iron ore. Oh, I know you're referring to the paddle, but there's another ore.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't mean Bobby.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're talking about the mineral third. Or.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then also.

[Harland Williams]

Or. By the way, can canoeists get strokes? If you had a stroke while you were canoeing, would you be able to know if it was a. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or is this me?

[Harland Williams]

Were you dying?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Is this what I'm doing?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or is this what's being done to me?

[Harland Williams]

Right. And what if you're in the middle of a severe stroke and someone yells, nice stroke.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And then you die offended, which was one of the worst ways to die. What about you had a strok while you were golfing, which I have to think happens every day, but then you come back and someone goes, hey, Phil, you're. You're better. What's your secret? And he went, I took a stroke off my game.

[Harland Williams]

Oh. Or what if he had three more strokes?

[Pete Holmes]

The stroke. That's the thing that kills you.

[Harland Williams]

No, but someone yelled four because he's.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, I have three more strokes. And then someone goes, four. And he goes, all right.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, four. It's like a golf themed death.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, there's got to be funnier ways to die.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Fifteen, love. Hey, tennis. How about one? Nothing. Yeah, 15, love. What are you just.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Making up.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. There actually are funnier ways to die, and a few people experienced it. Are you familiar with John Wayne Gacy?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

He dressed as a clown. Hilarious. And a feek. He probably took out. I Think they found about 34 bodies in his basement.

[Pete Holmes]

Was that true?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, under the. Encased in cement. So what funnier way to die than by a clown? I mean, I mean, you brought it up. I'm just.

[Pete Holmes]

But are clowns. Is it because before John Wayne Gacy, were clowns terrifying? They were. Right.

[Harland Williams]

Well, that's what people say, but I think it's just somebody said that and thought it sounded sort of like profound, but I think it's pretentious.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like being like Chuck E. Cheese is scary.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Like happy face emojis caused me to murder in the night.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what Adam, name drop Adam McKay taught me on this podcast is that clowns are to help us laugh at drunks. So like our scary drunk dads. So they have red noses, red cheeks, big floppy shoes, and they're always falling down. And it's a way for us to culturally be like, laugh at the scary horror of your drunk. Who. Maybe it's your dad, maybe someone else. But the scariness of a grown up, that's out of control.

[Harland Williams]

That would be a great way so we don't have to spend all our tax dollars on these. These ride check things. You know, the police stuff you like. Bartenders have to do clown makeup on a drunk. So when they get behind the wheel.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

You just have to. When you're dry. Oh, God, there's bongo.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Let's get around and get around. Chuckles.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, and the cops are excited when they pull over a clown because, you know, you caught 75 clowns in.

[Harland Williams]

That one car in the trunk. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If you get drunk.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They should put clown makeup on you.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like to know. I ever figure out mid conversation like, oh, this guy's fucked up.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like to know, here comes a clown.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Some people can hide it real well, like being drunk. Yeah. They're called functioning alcoholics.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because it just gets them to baseline.

[Harland Williams]

Right. My. This was a sad story. My. When my father passed away, his coroner was a. Was a closeted alcohol and function. And they leave telltale signs. Like they. They look so normal when we were talking to him. And then when we, you know, they showed his body at the funeral and my father's face was on backwards. I mean, this guy just functioning drunk, but you don't know it till they leave a clue.

[Pete Holmes]

So his, like, his eye makeup was down here?

[Harland Williams]

No, his face was on the back of his head.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's even worse.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

It was just bizarre. I mean, we had to roll him over just to whisper in his ear.

[Pete Holmes]

What's great is his ears would be in the same spot. But I liked it. I still really liked it.

[Harland Williams]

Trying to make it work. Great.

[Pete Holmes]

It worked every.

[Harland Williams]

It was.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a cracker moment.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

With a cracker. Why are we putting makeup. Are you gonna cremate?

[Harland Williams]

I might. I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Harland Williams]

I have my coffee black. But.

[Pete Holmes]

I just mean when you go to a funeral.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the corpse often, like, they're flattened. Like if they had a big belly that's gone. This is very dark. But then also, like, because they've been kind of, like, excavated, I guess.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. They've had all their innards sucked out.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know about sucked out.

[Harland Williams]

They're embalmed.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what embalmed means?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, that. Well, what they do is they remove a lot of, like, the intestines and all the. All the guts. Like gutting a fish.

[Pete Holmes]

Why?

[Harland Williams]

Because that's the stuff that rots and causes gas and stink.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Harland Williams]

So you ever got. You ever got a fish? Have you ever caught a fish?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Harland Williams]

Basically, you just rip the innards out. It's same as when you skin an animal. You. You let all the innards drop out because that's the stuff that corrodes and. Oh, and then. And then they inject you with embalming fluid.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this Canadian stuff?

[Harland Williams]

No, this is international. It's in India, where they burn people on what's called a funeral pyre.

[Pete Holmes]

A got.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

I think there's a line in. Come on, Baby, Light My Fire by the Doors. Yeah. I love is like a funeral pyre. Oh, yeah Come on, baby try to set the night on fire the time to hesitate is true Let no time to wallow in the mire Try now we can only lose and you love become a funeral fire Come on, baby, light my fire Come on, baby, light.

[Pete Holmes]

My fire it's also might as well be walking on the sun oh, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Might as well be walking on the sun.

[Pete Holmes]

Darling Couldn't get much higher that to say to you this ain't no joke Our mindset sign is old and don't end Ain't the world to sing in perfect harmony and which I will lie knowledge it might as well be.

[Harland Williams]

Put away the crack before the crack put you away My favorite line. You know where I heard that song? Driving in a car for the first time in Miami with Ben Stiller. We were shooting something about Mary, and he took me to a basketball game, and we're. He was driving and we're in the car and that song came out. So that memory just came back. Memory? Yeah, it just popped into my head.

[Pete Holmes]

But if Ben Stiller was wearing like a suit made out of human flesh to protect him. Oh, he's a very fit man.

[Harland Williams]

He is. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm sort of caught that Play DOH Fun Factory body.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I got that Play DOH Fun Factory.

[Harland Williams]

Don't forget Plato was a God.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And my dick is actually the star shape, you know? You know when you push it through the. The thing.

[Harland Williams]

A star shape.

[Pete Holmes]

You know when you push it through the thing.

[Harland Williams]

I had to choose Play doh.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Play doh. What did you think I meant?

[Harland Williams]

I said. Said Plato was a God. Your body is godlike.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Have you heard about Plato's Cave?

[Harland Williams]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just a fun cave. You go in and make fun things. Shapes, animals.

[Harland Williams]

Where is it though? Geographically?

[Pete Holmes]

Plato's Cave.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I think it's a metaphor for reality. So we're in Plato's Cave right now. But Plato's Cave is a offshoot of Mattel Land.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Play doh.

[Pete Holmes]

Play doh.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Socrates.

[Harland Williams]

And the original Play DOH was like a pasty white, honky color.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And you could press it on colored comics.

[Pete Holmes]

You're talking about Silly Putty.

[Harland Williams]

Silly Putty?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Silly Putty was Elaine's boyfriend on Seinfeld. Did you know Jim Carrey very well?

[Harland Williams]

Not super well until I met him. Wait, I guess. Isn't that how it works with everyone? What guess? I gotta.

[Pete Holmes]

Arlen, you could have taken a 45 minute break quietly in a room and gone.

[Harland Williams]

I'm about to, by the way. Like I'm this close guy.

[Pete Holmes]

What's the funniest way to answer the question? Do you know Jim Carrey well? And he said no, not before I met him.

[Harland Williams]

Someone asked me something the other day. I said I gotta get to the 24 hour McDonald's drive thru before it closes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's too good. You said that. Yeah, it's just too good. That's a great, like bad. Sorry, I gotta get to the 24 hour McDonald's.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Before it closes. It's a great way to get out of any event or function.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I like.

[Harland Williams]

And they don't realize. What? They don't do the math until after.

[Pete Holmes]

Unless it's like.

[Harland Williams]

Wait a minute, it's 24 hours. What's he talking about? That scoundrel. He didn't want to talk to us. That's except we have a lisp. We've Got a Jaquin Phoenix lift.

[Pete Holmes]

Walk, fiend, guacamole. Excuse me, when did you meet Jim? I just saw that you credit him as helping you break through.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, yeah, man. Jim, Jim. I met Jim. The first time I met Jim was he hosted a comedy festival up in Toronto, I believe.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Harland Williams]

And I was on it, and he was. He was bringing out all the guests.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this pre Ace Ventura?

[Harland Williams]

Yes, this was when he was on In Living Color.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. He hadn't done any movies yet, and. And then I met him there just briefly because he was the host. And then this was just when I just made my move to la. And then once I was in la, he became aware of me and then he. We would do shows together at the Laugh Factory and stuff. And.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Harland Williams]

He. He took a liking to me, liked my comedy, and. And. And so we got to know each other and became friends. And then he was the one that recommended me for Dumb and Dumber and.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, to the Fairlies.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. So that was my first movie, and that was thanks to him. So thanks, Jim.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks, Jim.

[Harland Williams]

Thanks, Jimmy.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks, Dr. Robotnik.

[Harland Williams]

Jimmy.

[Pete Holmes]

He always wants to be called his most recent character. I don't know if you knew that.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, he does.

[Pete Holmes]

So if you see Jim. Oh, it's a. It's an Andy Kaufman thing. It's like, you have to calm Dr. Robotnik or he'll punch you.

[Harland Williams]

Is that from that movie? What's the Sonic? Sonic, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you a big Sonic guy?

[Harland Williams]

I'm more of a McDonald's guy. I like McDonald's a lot better. The burgers are just a little meatier.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you eat. Do you eat McDonald's? Yeah, I got the feeling that you might, but you love it.

[Harland Williams]

Love it. I love Scottish food. I'm nuts for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Scott, I'm in the mood for Scottish food. You want to go down, let's go.

[Harland Williams]

To McDonald's and get a Mac Hagus. Let's go have a Mac Haggis and a Lochness shake.

[Pete Holmes]

The Lochness shake. It's only available in March. Is it?

[Harland Williams]

Ah, I spilled it on me bagpipes. Shiver me timbers. Wait, that's. That's. That's Irish.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we were doing Irish the whole time. Scottish is. You really gotta watch this one on video. Guys, like, you're like, hop on over to YouTube or you're just gonna be in your car. Like, is he in an iron lung? Oh, wow, nice.

[Harland Williams]

You know, there's a lung fish. There's a fish called a lungfish.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like that?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what the filet o fish is?

[Harland Williams]

Well, it's interesting. It's a lungfish, but it's a fish and it lives underwater.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The last place you'd want a lung, Right?

[Harland Williams]

Because it's called a gill.

[Pete Holmes]

It should be called a gillfish. Yeah, but it looks like a human lung.

[Harland Williams]

I don't know. It looks sort of like an. It's eel. Like, it looks. It's very long and cylindrical.

[Pete Holmes]

Does it have lungs?

[Harland Williams]

It's an ugly fish. Look, it looks almost like potatoesque.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think you can say that.

[Harland Williams]

I just did. I don't know if you can say that anymore. Well, can we take a vote? The nays for potatoes and the eyes for potatoes.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the eyes are gonna have it, aren't they?

[Harland Williams]

Because it's a potato.

[Pete Holmes]

Did I ruin it? Oh, it's on his Ding Dong.

[Harland Williams]

It's on his Ding Dong, yeah. Lungfish.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you eat a lot of fish?

[Harland Williams]

I like to eat lungfish, but I find if I eat too much, it's hard to breathe. I mean, they just get stuck in my throat. Imagine getting the Heimlich maneuver because you're choking on a longfish. Wow. Talk about the irony.

[Pete Holmes]

One of my first T shirt ideas, it's so bad, it said the Heimlich maneuver. Ask for it by name. Which, when you're choking, you can't ask for it. That's the joke. That's the kind of joke.

[Harland Williams]

You have to juke for it by name, I guess.

[Pete Holmes]

Point for it by name.

[Harland Williams]

Have you ever done the Heimlich?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Harland Williams]

Have you ever performed it on somebody?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I thought you meant the popular dance in the 80s.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember that. Will Smith.

[Harland Williams]

I did the Heimlich maneuver, and it was. I. I really. There's some things in life you don't think you can.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait. Did you do it?

[Harland Williams]

I performed the Heimlich maneuver on a guy, and of all things, he had a tracheotomy.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop it.

[Harland Williams]

And so this fucking shrimp popped out of his throat like a cannonball out of a Civil War cannon. Flew across the room, hit someone in the forehead. There was an Indian guy with a bindi, and it hit him. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't know the term. You can't know the term and make that joke. Somehow it negates it.

[Harland Williams]

I don't know. Why negate me?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Harland Williams]

Isn't that how Nixon ended up losing?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the. The big scandal. The Negate Hotel.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, God. So can you give the Heimlich maneuver to Someone with a with a trachea, they probably just whistle like a jug.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Harland Williams]

Never blow into a. Like if you gave a guy the Heimlich with a tracheotomy. If you did about seven of them, you could be a Dixieland band.

[Pete Holmes]

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[Harland Williams]

Oh my God. That sounds more like a lung fish. Jesus. Sounds like a mouse orgasming.

[Pete Holmes]

Was it worth it to bring the phone out?

[Harland Williams]

I liked it.

[Pete Holmes]

You liked it?

[Harland Williams]

I like electronic noises.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna love the future.

[Harland Williams]

I am?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be all the beeps and the boops.

[Harland Williams]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you gonna allow micro robots to clean your arteries?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You will?

[Harland Williams]

Oh yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in.

[Harland Williams]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Will you let them put something like a neural link? Will you accept a neural link?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, you will? I'm. I'm excited about all the futuristic technology stuff. Yeah. I mean, you know, that's like people on a wagon train crossing the Great Plains in the pioneer days going, I hope they never build a Corvette Stingray.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Like, let's embrace the shit that's coming. I don't know why people are so scared of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's great.

[Harland Williams]

And I'll tell you what, I said this to someone the other day.

[Pete Holmes]

Bobby Lee, Was it? Bobby Lee?

[Harland Williams]

Who's that?

[Pete Holmes]

Keep going. Funniest thing you could have said.

[Harland Williams]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You like, like a crossroads devil violin situation. You were like, make it. So I say the funniest thing, I go, was it Bobby Lee? And you go, who is that?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, who is it?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, just the best. Keep going.

[Harland Williams]

But what I was saying is, you know, people have this trepidation about the future technology, AI.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And I contend that, that we're building towards something bigger and stronger and like in 15 years people will be going, AI, remember that. Like, I think if there's a bigger force, if there's a bigger purpose to humanity, to life, to people, to the galaxies, I think that we're slowly being pushed up and up and up and we're going to crescendo and come to a place where we get over the hump and live in this, this elusive harmony that maybe we all crave and believe is out there somewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Star Trek style.

[Harland Williams]

Maybe. But Star Trek was riddled with conflict. Just about every planet they went to, there was fighting and war and women with four pussy lips. I mean, I don't know, I didn't see, I didn't look in their underpants. But they were green. They definitely were green.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody felt that one coming.

[Harland Williams]

If you're green, you gotta have more than two pussy lips.

[Pete Holmes]

He did it. He did it.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying whenever, whenever they reference Earth. Like did you watch the Orville. Orville, Seth MacFarlane's sci fi show?

[Harland Williams]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Similar situation. Earth is a utopia and that's why we have the Starcrafts to go and explore and kind of like bring enlightenment to the. It's very.

[Harland Williams]

Right, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I, but I'm with you. I think there is definitely we have a chance. I mean, think about asking it to cure global warming, world hunger. Yeah, all those things. So I'm with you. I like that.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. I mean there's got to be, there seems to be a reason for everything in life, whether you believe in God or you don't believe in God or you believe. I, I believe that there has to be some sort of invisible force that keeps pushing us forward and the human curiosity to never stop chasing new frontiers.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Harland Williams]

And there's got to be a, a hardwired reason for that within us.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's interesting we have that.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're saying that's a clue to like the word way the whole thing works.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. And, and, and, and, and it'll just keep going and never end. And the innovations. And you have to imagine that even though everything has a dark underbelly, I think the ultimate goal is to get to a place where everything could just be harmonious and like the Garden of Eden or Shangri La.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And maybe we'll get there. But I think if people carry that optimism and if they want to have skepticism about it, sure. But don't. Don't have zero optimism.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Like, I think it's important to believe and have hope.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

That there's this place, this Utopia maybe we can sort of get to.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Well, it's funny, so many things talk about. Like, the first time the word robot was used, I learned this was in a play. And the play was about robots turning on us and killing us.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So we've had that concern since the beginning, since the word was invented. But we've also had these other things like Star Wars, Star Trek that are like, no, maybe we're going someplace where 3PO is a helpful translator and the world has spaceships. And they never seem to be talking about a lack of blue milk.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tatooine.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Yeah. Was it Tatooine who's tattooing? I wonder if hervey village has lived on tattooing.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that a guy with a lot of tattoos?

[Harland Williams]

That was the guy from Fantasy Island.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, tattoo.

[Harland Williams]

That's what I said.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But I didn't get it.

[Harland Williams]

Well, I wish you would.

[Pete Holmes]

Taylor Swift.

[Harland Williams]

No, thanks, I'm busy. Ow. Caught on my thumb. Like, it's like I had a koala thumb for a second. You ever see koala thumb? They got these hands. Like, if I was a girl, I would definitely want to go to first. Like, it's almost like God gave them, like, nipple flicking. Like, if you ever wanted to get groped by an animal critter, it would be a koala. Because they come in, they cup the breast, but then they got the little nipple flickers. Like, if that's. If you're allowed to say that, you're.

[Pete Holmes]

Gonna have to watch this one on YouTube.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, this isn't being recorded.

[Pete Holmes]

It's.

[Harland Williams]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

It's audio, but it's also on YouTube.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, yeah. If anyone's listening to this, they're an idiot. Like, a stupid, moronic idiot.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not gonna see the nipple flicking koala thumbs.

[Harland Williams]

If someone's like, in their car right now listening this, can I just say it? You're an idiot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, unless you have an iPad strapped to.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're watching.

[Harland Williams]

If you're just listening this, you're a stupid, moronic idiot. Pull over.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Take your signal on. Get out of your car, slam your face on the guardrail. Become dizzy, wander out into traffic, get hit by 12 cars and turn into a Domino's. Like Deli Blend Pizza.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, like a flat Domino's Deli Blend Pizza.

[Harland Williams]

Up yours. Listeners.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's what you want to do.

[Harland Williams]

We want watchers here, not listeners.

[Pete Holmes]

We want watchers and listeners.

[Harland Williams]

No, no, because listeners are what? Stupid idiots. Dumb stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

And watchers are.

[Harland Williams]

Watchers are genius. Brain developed lower cranium, upper cerebral.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember Weight Watchers?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, they say, I'd rather watch paint dry.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd rather watch myself gain weight.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's slower. Yeah, because you eat a big meal, how long before that gets stapled to your ass?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

At least 30 days.

[Harland Williams]

It's sneaky. It sneaks up on you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like when you buy a movie on itunes. The bill comes, like, two days later.

[Harland Williams]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They could bill you right away. They pace it out so you don't feel guilty. And it's the same with a Twinkie.

[Harland Williams]

I love a girl. A fat girl with lots of cellulite, though. I use the little pockets. Like, I put change in them. I'll put car keys and sometimes even a dollop of butter.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's fun is you just. You just always keep me. I feel like we're walking around your Zen garden. Hear those stories about Zen masters that will then, like, hit you with a stick.

[Harland Williams]

Yes. That's you. Bamboo stick.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, out of nowhere. A cellulite rift that I don't know how to participate in.

[Harland Williams]

You don't. Have you ever gone out with a cellulite girl? They're almost like. Have you ever stuck your fingers in a bowling ball?

[Pete Holmes]

Stop.

[Harland Williams]

Like you could grab a cellulite girl and pick her up by the leg.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't say a cellulite girl.

[Harland Williams]

Said it twice.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't say a cellulite girl.

[Harland Williams]

I'm gonna say it a third time.

[Pete Holmes]

Every woman at a certain age has a little cell. Margot Robbie has some cellulite.

[Harland Williams]

I'm talking about the deep ones. The deep. The deep. Well, cellulites. Where you could, like, put a dollop of butter.

[Pete Holmes]

Say, the deep one.

[Harland Williams]

If you ever had a. You ever have one of those lucky rabbit foots on a keychain? Like you could put a whole lucky rabbit's foot into a deep one. Oh, my God. Deep cellulite hole.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how John Malkovich got the bullets into the presidential dinner. In the line of fire.

[Harland Williams]

In.

[Pete Holmes]

In the line of fire.

[Harland Williams]

No, Frank. What I'm trying to tell you here, I have a Buddy. That does that whole run.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Michael Rosenbaum standing over the grave of another dead president. Now, what. Why did you shoot that duck? You remember that part?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then he kills him.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

That's his save the duck moment.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. What's your favorite movie?

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

You seem like a movie guy.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, I love movies.

[Pete Holmes]

You seem like a cognac cigarette screening room guy. Like, you love it.

[Harland Williams]

I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

You do it properly.

[Harland Williams]

I love Citizen Kane.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you really?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, you really do. I really love you.

[Pete Holmes]

Throw it on for kicks.

[Harland Williams]

No, but I love it. It's ingrained in my memory. I probably watched it about four times.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. All right.

[Harland Williams]

And it just. The first time I saw it, it blew my mind.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like to watch it again as a grown up because I saw it in high school.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. It's just when you. When you realize that it did so many things with the camera that had never been done.

[Pete Holmes]

Deep focus.

[Harland Williams]

Well, it did all these things. And moving through. Through sets and coming up over windows. Yeah, it was. It was revolutionary.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And then I love the. The original Blade Runner. Oh, I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you like the second one? Because that's one of my favorite.

[Harland Williams]

I didn't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one of my.

[Harland Williams]

It is. It's one of my favorite Ritz.

[Pete Holmes]

It is one of my favorites.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, well, let's talk about the first one versus the one you like. Okay, go. Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Why first one?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure it's great.

[Harland Williams]

You didn't see it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think I've ever seen it.

[Harland Williams]

Donny.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think I've ever seen it. I think I saw it again in high school, but if you're. I don't know. I need a little more hand holding.

[Harland Williams]

Well, then tell me what you loved about the second one. So much.

[Pete Holmes]

I love any movie with Ryan Gosling being a lonely guy trying to solve a crime.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, that's it.

[Pete Holmes]

And Harrison Ford shows up.

[Harland Williams]

Just a Gosling thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a. It's a sci fi Gosling thing. Not every Gosling.

[Harland Williams]

So if Gosling wasn't in it, you wouldn't like it so much?

[Pete Holmes]

No, that could have been Gyllenhaal. I'm gonna recast it as Gyllenhaal right now. It could have been Joaquin Fiend, but.

[Harland Williams]

It could have been any of them. But you're saying it's the actor that drew you to the movie? Not the movie. Because to me, a movie's about the writing, the script, the directing, the lighting, the everything.

[Pete Holmes]

But I.

[Harland Williams]

But that you sound like all you care about is the leading man.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that got me in the door.

[Harland Williams]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But then I do think the cinematography.

[Harland Williams]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fantastic. You didn't care for it?

[Harland Williams]

I thought the cinematography was good. But if you hold it up to the original. Yeah, it's inferior. Yeah. Are you sure? Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you just watching who you were when you first saw the first 100?

[Harland Williams]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Harland Williams]

Very confident.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, then I'm gonna try it again. I have seen it, but it's been a very, very long time. And I was probably seeing 16 when I saw it.

[Harland Williams]

But the second one, I just found the story wasn't. It was a bit of a letdown. The ending was a letdown. They didn't use the original one. The music done by Vangelis. Vangelis was integral to the mood and the spirit of the original one. It's unbelievable. And in the second one, they didn't tap into Vangelis's soundtrack until the very last scene when Ryan Gosling's spoiler, Al laying on the steps in the snow, dying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And it was just like. So it was instrumentally a part of that movie. The soundtracks, it's. To me, it's as integrated as in the old Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns, the Sergio Leone or whatever his name was. And that music defined those westerns. Whereas I think Vangelis soundtrack and Blade Runner helped define that movie. And without it, in the second one, it felt just vacuous. Kind of like my sister's face, because she has a really wide face. She has halibut eyes. Have you ever seen a halibut? Yeah, their eyes are. They. They start on the side of their head at youth, at infancy, and they migrate, and they migrate to the top of the head. And my sister's eyes are, like, right there.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, wait, they're close.

[Harland Williams]

They're close. But her forehead's really wide. Like, some kids got the belt when they were bad. My dad used to hit my sister with a canoe paddle with butter on it. He'd butter it first like you would.

[Pete Holmes]

Kill a fish in a boat.

[Harland Williams]

Just slap her face to buttered canoe.

[Pete Holmes]

Harlan Pepper, how very dare you? What else makes you happy? Not just emojis.

[Harland Williams]

Happy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You seem like a happy.

[Harland Williams]

The world. Life, man. Just getting up and living and breathing and having a fucking box of onion rings and making people laugh and talking and.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you do.

[Harland Williams]

Seeing the birds and the animals and the air, just the air makes me happy. We're alive, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Harland Williams]

Everything makes me happy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yes, I believe it.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When I say you still, I just mean you've been doing stand up a really long time.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you ever not do stand up since you started?

[Harland Williams]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You just been doing it?

[Harland Williams]

I always do it. Even when I'm doing other jobs. I love it so much that if I'm. If I'm doing a movie or I'm somewhere doing something else, I will find the local comedy clubs.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Harland Williams]

And just go up. Like, I've been in places. I was in Vancouver doing a sitcom for two years, and they're grueling. And I'd get there at six in the morning and finish it nine at night and go from there right to the comedy club and go do a set. Like, I just. I just love it so much.

[Pete Holmes]

So you do it because it's fun?

[Harland Williams]

I do it because it's fun. It brings me joy and it brings people joy and it's just. It's just. It's just. It's just wired in me to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that.

[Harland Williams]

Like a lungfish that needs to breathe. Breathe.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's funny. Here's where I would like to see if you're different than me. I'm doing a set tonight, for example.

[Harland Williams]

Me too.

[Pete Holmes]

Where?

[Harland Williams]

The Comedy Store.

[Pete Holmes]

What time?

[Harland Williams]

Oh, that one. I heard that one. That one.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Harland Williams]

You know, those, those, those balls you. That you. You do them, they go clack, clack.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I got them.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

I was a desk toy on that.

[Harland Williams]

Your balls right now are going clack, clack.

[Pete Holmes]

They still are. It's a perpetual motion machine.

[Harland Williams]

Through the loom undies.

[Pete Holmes]

They're me. And he's an old sponsor.

[Harland Williams]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I wonder if promo code Weird still works. That's how the ad goes.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I wonder if it still works.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Or promo code Clackers. I'm at the store tonight at 8pm.

[Pete Holmes]

In the main room.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, me too. Me, you, Bob. Oh, yeah, me, you. Bobby Lee. Who's Bobby Lee?

[Pete Holmes]

Who is that? I'm excited to meet him.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, I'm excited you mentioned him early. But who is he?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Harland Williams]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Harland Williams]

Bobby Lee Harvey Oswald.

[Pete Holmes]

Bobby Lee.

[Harland Williams]

He's the guy that took out Kennedy Grassy. No, Lee.

[Pete Holmes]

He works at Zabruders.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Bobby Lee would work at Hooters and he'd be great.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah. Nobody would mind because he's got chicken wings. He's got those little arms, those little Asian arms. Chicken wing arms.

[Pete Holmes]

Little Asian chicken wing arms. Yeah. I feel like we can say that.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, we can. We just did.

[Pete Holmes]

Should have said it yesterday. So I'm doing it tonight because I get a feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling I get when I haven't performed.

[Harland Williams]

That was a quickie because I didn't want to interrupt you.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it.

[Harland Williams]

Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

Pure leaf brand tea. 38 grams of hard ones. I'm saying this is. I'm not crazy about this, by the way. I like what you just said. You like making people happy. It makes people happy. You like performing. You do it for the joy of it. That's part of the formula for me. But a lot of it has to do with, like, my own well being. Like, I'll perform. I'm going away for a week, so I'll perform tonight because I know I won't be able to perform for a week.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I want to. Like, it makes me feel good and more balanced and stable.

[Harland Williams]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

But there is sort of like a selfish component.

[Harland Williams]

It's sort of therapeutic, almost therapeutic.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that more.

[Harland Williams]

There's nothing wrong with that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Is that part of your equation as well? Like, if you don't do stand up, do you start to feel a little itchy?

[Harland Williams]

I don't rely on it. Like, you know, I don't. I don't need it for my mental state or mental stability or anything, but. But I just miss it because I enjoy it, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

So.

[Pete Holmes]

But you could go a couple weeks and it wouldn't like, hurt.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, yeah, I've. I can go. I could go two months and it would be okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I love that.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Yeah. I can shut it off, but I. I always know I want to return to it or I always want to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. Where is it on your, on your list? Like doing movies. Doing your podcast, Harlan Highway.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, thanks.

[Pete Holmes]

Doing stand up. What else do you got? Writing, animation, voice work. Like, what are your faves?

[Harland Williams]

I think movies is the top.

[Pete Holmes]

You love movies the most.

[Harland Williams]

Like, I love stand up. It's. It's my through line.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

It's my spine. It's your wife never goes away.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. It's your.

[Harland Williams]

It's your life, I always say. And it's a little bit sad, but it's true. Movies are ghosts or. Sorry. Stand up shows are ghosts.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me what you mean.

[Harland Williams]

Well, you do them, you say them and they dissipate and they vanish.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

There's no record of them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And most people, regrettably, if you go into the lobby after a show and say, what was my favorite joke? Most People draw a blank.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And I'm not condemning or insulting people. It's just people have a short term.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'll do you one worse. You ever have someone come up and say, I really love that joke you do about Subway and you're like, that was the guy after me.

[Harland Williams]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that happens too.

[Harland Williams]

That happens. Or it's even a guy that wasn't even on the show. Yeah, it's like some other guy's joke. Like Stephen Wright joke from the 1980s.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Harland Williams]

So sadly, stand up shows, whether you're in an arena or you're in a little dusty club somewhere, the shows are all ghosts. They all dissipate. They go away and they go to the grave with the people that saw them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

So there's no record of them. Even though they're wonderful and beautiful and they might have provided joy or therapy for someone in. In real time, they're gone for eternity. But a movie lives in perpetuity.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

That's what I love about movies. Even TV shows seem to fade away, but somehow movies seem to be the, the highest form of entertainment that stays present and is gen. Can, can go past generations and, and move through different decades. And like we just talked about Citizen Kane.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And how impactful it was and how the artistry of it. And yet I think it was shot in the 50s, the 40s of the 50s. I think it was the 50s, perhaps. But I mean, we still talk about Charlie Chaplin movies, the silent movies of Buster Keaton, like. Yeah, but you, you can't get back, you know, 3,000 Bill Cosby or George Carlin or Gary Shandling. Stand up shows, they're just, just. There's actually no proof they ever existed.

[Pete Holmes]

They were swept away. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And it's sad. They're beautiful in the moment. So I love that. Movies time stamp forever.

[Pete Holmes]

And I like that we haven't really changed that much. Like it used to be marble. You know, the marble guys, the sculptors would look at the painters and be like, well, you're one fire away. Like David would make it through a fire.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. It would be severely charred.

[Pete Holmes]

It'd be charred.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, it'd be.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a joke here. We're not gonna do it.

[Harland Williams]

We're not.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Harland Williams]

I don't think we should be joking about marble. It's one of the nicest rocks.

[Pete Holmes]

I love marble movies.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, me too.

[Pete Holmes]

They're great, actually. I do feel like the tide is turning a little bit.

[Harland Williams]

It is. They're becoming predictable, mundane, Repetitive and boring.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, if you told me that a new Captain America Hulk movie came out and I was like, you saw it.

[Harland Williams]

No, I refuse.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I was zero. I'm not even on anybody involved.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying, like, I can't believe they've been a thing for so long that I aged out of them.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, I. I wasn't even a little bit curious.

[Harland Williams]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Harrison Ford's in it. And I'm just like, I don't care.

[Harland Williams]

He's 90. I don't believe that a 90 year old guy turns into the fittest guy on the planet and turns red. Like a beat.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, that's a spoiler. But who cares?

[Harland Williams]

Who cares?

[Pete Holmes]

Did you like Deadpool? Wolverine?

[Harland Williams]

I liked it to a point. I find. I find when you have a movie where every single line is sarcastic.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I get an interesting take. Like, if every sarcasm is a cilantro, it's supposed to be like, thank you. We need shirts that say, sarcasm is a cilantro.

[Harland Williams]

I like that. They should have that at Chipotle as a dish because that menu is getting stale.

[Pete Holmes]

It is.

[Harland Williams]

Would you like the chicken? The. Or the cilantro or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Chipotle, listen up. You're killing it for now, but if you don't do something right, everyone's gonna drive by like it's their grandma's house.

[Harland Williams]

Like, when are they gonna introduce shrimp?

[Pete Holmes]

Can we get a shrimp?

[Harland Williams]

Some freaking shrimp.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we get a shrimp? Can we get a cucumber salsa? Like a fresh mango salsa?

[Harland Williams]

It's always the same thing.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what Chipotle is? I give up. Yeah, I fucking give up. I know what it is. I know I'm going to be very full. I give up.

[Harland Williams]

You're a chip off the old Oatley. Now here's the thing. The thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It took me that long to get it off the old Oatley.

[Harland Williams]

Go on. But here's the thing. The sarcasm. I appreciate the writing. I appreciate the witness, but it's just like overkill. Because then I don't. At some point when I'm watching a movie, there needs to be a groundedness where I at least invest that this is sort of a real character.

[Pete Holmes]

And Deadpool as a franchise is always trying to do that. The bare minimum.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's actually admirable when they pull it off, they'll have like one scene where he's a dad or he's getting married. And that's supposed to be enough because everyone wants to just like, mainline the mania.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it used to be kind of the reverse formula.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. You know the only place I think that really works. Well, it's not even sarcasm. It's more jokey as like the airplane movies, but in Deadpool, when every single line. Like you get a knife through your heart and you do a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

You cut a guy's head off and you do a joke that just. It's like I get bored because it's like, here comes another one. Like I run out of.

[Pete Holmes]

I think this is the age we're in. We're finding out that getting exactly what we want isn't always. Well, we want.

[Harland Williams]

Ooh, say that again.

[Pete Holmes]

We're living in the age where we're realizing that getting what we want isn't exactly what we want. It's not.

[Harland Williams]

One more time in a girl's voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I am a woman and I have a deep, sultry voice. Because you can't call one voice a woman's voice and another not a woman's voice. So this is my beautiful cigar smoking, bathtub taking, luxuriating in a beautiful velour gown.

[Harland Williams]

Why are you grinding your hips while you do that?

[Pete Holmes]

I gotta get into my hips. My hips are how I find my woman.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

My woman voice.

[Harland Williams]

I like this woman.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think this is the age of finding out.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

That what we want isn't always worthwhile. Baby.

[Harland Williams]

Wow. Thank you for that.

[Pete Holmes]

I went somewhere.

[Harland Williams]

You did.

[Pete Holmes]

It was great. Yeah, I was at the Hollywood.

[Harland Williams]

Bakersfield, I think. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Said Bakersfield a lot. That's where my brother in law lives.

[Harland Williams]

I know. I have a tramp stamp of it on my. Right over my ass crack.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean that. You didn't even have to say where it is. That's where tramp stamps go.

[Harland Williams]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Tramp stamp.

[Harland Williams]

I got a tattoo in this in my groin area. A new one.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Harland Williams]

It's a. You're gonna love it. Do you like animals?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

It's a tattoo of a giraffe sleeping on a beanbag chair. And when I get excited, it actually stands up and projectile vomits. Vanilla yogurt. What? Why can't. When is it my turn to shine? God, what a good lord. Shouldn't have come here today. I shouldn't have come here today.

[Pete Holmes]

What are we gonna do? We have to do something.

[Harland Williams]

When you and me. What are you talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

Somehow?

[Harland Williams]

Oh, you mean like a project?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I mean we gotta.

[Harland Williams]

A construction project or a creative project.

[Pete Holmes]

I was thinking construction. We could go into our.

[Harland Williams]

I'd love to slap a wall unit together with you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Drywall.

[Harland Williams]

Put drywall up and then a wall unit.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody put drywall in my house. There's a hole in one of our walls. And they had to do drywall.

[Harland Williams]

Uh. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

And I left. No, I left him for like 20 minutes. I came back and it was done. And I was like, how did you do. Like, I have no concept of how dry it was done.

[Harland Williams]

Isn't it amazing?

[Pete Holmes]

How did you do it? It's very few tools.

[Harland Williams]

I have a handyman that I use.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And this guy can do everything from drywall to shingling to carpentry to electric to plumbing. And it's humbling because you look at guys like us who sometimes people in different. Like, whether you're. You work for Apple or you're an entertainer. You're. You're Stephen King. You're this prolific writer.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

You think you're so.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

You know, and people sort of put you on a pedestal and then.

[Pete Holmes]

But who builds the.

[Harland Williams]

Go out and do our stuff. Who builds the pedestal? That's an amazing way to put it. You look at a guy walk in a house and literally fix 12 things, and you stand there and go, I can't do one of those.

[Pete Holmes]

We're useless in the post apocalypse.

[Harland Williams]

So admirable. I completely agree. There's so much technique and artistry, and it's backwards.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like teachers, mechanics, painters, construction workers. These are like any alien would be like, sorry, the guy that built that skyscraper, the 300 people that built it are like. Like ne' er do wells. Smoking cigarettes and hooting at girls. Excuse me. This should be your king.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But the guy that drew it on a piece of paper.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's get in line to suck his D. That's insane.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, I didn't expect you to go there.

[Pete Holmes]

His derringer, it was a way of freshening breath in the Wild West.

[Harland Williams]

A derringer. I thought it was a rifle.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. The reason why derringer is the small gun is because a nickel has a sterilizing quality. So cowboys used to throw a small gun in there. You didn't know this? No, that's what. That's what suck my D means.

[Harland Williams]

They throw a small gun in their mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

You put the small nickel derringer in. What's it called? Sanitizes.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And, you know, kills all the germs because of the metal. That's how they used to. They didn't have toothpaste in the Wild West.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, shoot.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's why the gun was so small. Then you'd shoot it every once in a while, as a joke, you'd pull it and someone go, why does it smell like bad breath in here? That was a lot of people's. Not their last words. Cuz the derringer would just kind of. Yeah, but it would be the last thing you said before you were shot with a small bullet.

[Harland Williams]

Oh my goodness. I didn't know history.

[Pete Holmes]

People don't know history.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, I certainly don't.

[Pete Holmes]

People don't know history.

[Harland Williams]

I don't even know what happened last year.

[Pete Holmes]

2024.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, I didn't even know it was. There was a four on the end of it.

[Pete Holmes]

There are some twists.

[Harland Williams]

I thought it was 22.

[Pete Holmes]

22. And then question mark. It's like a cool party.

[Harland Williams]

I thought it was 202, the year 200. I didn't realize there was a 4 on the end.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't hear a lot about the.

[Harland Williams]

Year 202 unless you have a friend named Korg. Korg? Korg, like moose meat. Isn't that. Wasn't that a caveman year?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no.

[Harland Williams]

Was 202A.D.

[Pete Holmes]

202.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Caveman year is like 3000 BC. I'm pretty sure.

[Harland Williams]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you're a few. So Jesus is already born. It's Jesus times.

[Harland Williams]

BC means before Christ.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they often say BCE before common era.

[Harland Williams]

Or Baconator. It could be Baconator.

[Pete Holmes]

Baconator is a very popular sandwich. What's your favorite fast food thing to eat? We're almost out of time. So this, this can be.

[Harland Williams]

How much time do we have? Because I have about a 45 minute story I wanted to tell. Oh, God. Whoa. Go Speed Racer Ghost.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's see if I can do it.

[Harland Williams]

Fax machine, Geiger counter.

[Pete Holmes]

Hear how it gets the little hairs?

[Harland Williams]

Oh, yeah. It's like a post apocalyptic static ham radio.

[Pete Holmes]

The static is what makes it special.

[Harland Williams]

You're in a bunker underground. Okay, you do that and I'll do the other part.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you doing Hitler?

[Harland Williams]

No, I'm doing like the. The mysterious voice that breaks in. All of a sudden we're at the tank, we're at the beast. Bring seven people. We have guns. You know, there's always like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a ham radio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best pork based radio.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, they're so good.

[Pete Holmes]

It's better glazed.

[Harland Williams]

I like a glazed ham radio.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you a ham guy?

[Harland Williams]

Thanksgiving? I am, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You carve up a ham, the whole.

[Harland Williams]

Family gets on the ham and we call people all over the country.

[Pete Holmes]

The whole family?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, the whole family. Mark Hamill.

[Pete Holmes]

Homily. The priest has a homily for Mark Hamill and the whole Hamley gives it a hand.

[Harland Williams]

Wow, you're a Marvel superhero.

[Pete Holmes]

Those movies.

[Harland Williams]

Wow. You were asking me what my favorite fast food was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was just to see where it would go. Oh, you look like a bucket of classic kfc.

[Harland Williams]

I love kfc. But they get mad at me because I go in there and you know, the kids look and I go, just, just kid, let's go. Let you know what I want make with the buck. And they just stare at me. They go, they go, what do you mean, sir? And I said, don't mess around, zit face. Like. And I go, what? So I go, just give me the skin. Give me a bucket of skin. Nobody eats the damn chicken. We. We rip the skin off like a gazelle getting stripped by a pack of hyenas. We throw the damn chicken out the car window. Just, just save me the work. Just give me a bucket of skin, you zit faced, train track brace teeth, greasy haired, touching your own anus in the bathroom freak.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, do you think for real? For real. If KFC put out a bento box and the main part of the box was just a pile of fried chicken skin and you serve it with chopsticks to class it up. So you have coleslaw, the skin pile and maybe some beans, would people buy it?

[Harland Williams]

I think so. I think it sounds like no, but that's what I mean. The reality is people would guiltily do it. They would not want to admit to it. But if you went in and they had on the menu a stack of skin.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And maybe some rice or something like.

[Pete Holmes]

An accoutrement that you're not gonna eat.

[Harland Williams]

Like, like you, you'd want just to maybe like maybe a thin piece of toast or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Something that. But that's why the chopsticks really helps it because you're eating it classy and you call it Raccoon's delight.

[Harland Williams]

Oh yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like something the raccoons would find in the bag. Yeah, because remember when the double down came out and everyone was like, what now double down's like a totally normal concept.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Two chicken bees with a thing. A thing.

[Harland Williams]

I think box of skin. If people were, who worked for KFC were watching this, and I know a lot of them do Chipotle watches.

[Pete Holmes]

So we're gonna see some changes.

[Harland Williams]

I think if they took a, did a test run of just selling skin. Skin.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And then they took the meat and made like a soup or something. Or not.

[Pete Holmes]

Chicken.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, that's for the health people.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want it without the skin?

[Harland Williams]

So if they start, we should be their marketing.

[Pete Holmes]

Naked, wet, dark meat.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the. It's like when Aqua Aquafina came out. It's just coke without the syrup.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the bubbles say that.

[Harland Williams]

What'd you just say? Naked.

[Pete Holmes]

Naked, dark meat.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. I just got a flashback to the YMCA steam room. I'm sorry, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you're holding on to that Canadian story. Your out is very Americanized. But you're sorry.

[Harland Williams]

My out?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you gotta. What? What? In the US we would call that a normal. Out, out, out, out. We say sorry.

[Harland Williams]

Sorry, but I'm going out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It went from Canada and then we went south for that out.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. I like it that I still have my Canadian accent.

[Pete Holmes]

Got to keep your Canadian.

[Harland Williams]

I like it when people point it out because it reminds me of home.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're clearly Canadian.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever seen a UFO or ghost? An alien?

[Harland Williams]

I've wanted to badly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And I think I might have seen UFOs once. I was on a walk in the Hollywood Hills, middle of the day with my ex girlfriend and.

[Pete Holmes]

What's her name? I'm just kidding.

[Harland Williams]

How dare you.

[Pete Holmes]

What was her name?

[Harland Williams]

Skin.

[Pete Holmes]

Skin pile.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

With chopsticks, though. Classy. Classy.

[Harland Williams]

Well, you can't have chopsticks at kfc. Now you're introducing a whole new culture.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you could eat that popcorn chicken with the chopsticks as well.

[Harland Williams]

True.

[Pete Holmes]

I think. I think chops. I think chopsticks. At kfc, I think it would. Oh, he came out. Every once in a while, he comes out, get a chopstick on Air Force One. Eat them. I call them America sticks. They're flagless poles. Two flagging spoons. And he'd eat the skin.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he'd make it a sensation.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, I love it. I would eat the skin. But I was. I was on a walk once and I just. I don't even know why. I looked up into the sky. We stopped to talk to someone and I sort of drifted. And I'm looking and it's a clear day, no clouds. And I looked way, way, way, way up. Like just way. And I just see these little three.

[Pete Holmes]

It's always three.

[Harland Williams]

It almost looked like. Like the head of a nail. These three little dots, but in a triangle. Shape.

[Pete Holmes]

Shape. It's always a triangle.

[Harland Williams]

And it was way up there. And it's one of those things. You could barely see it. But I could see it. And it wasn't Moving. They were just sitting there. And after a couple of minutes, I said to my girl, I said, do you see that? She goes, where? And I said, just look way up there and then focus. And she saw it too. And then I took my phone and I tried to film it, but it was so far up, it won't even read. Just these little dots. So it had to be something like. It definitely technically was a ufo. Unidentified flying object. Because it was up there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

But I've never had the classic, you know, the hovering.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but that's the new classic, the three dots. Oh, is it called the Dorito?

[Harland Williams]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's often orange, but like, we. There's some comedians. I know they were in Porch in Brooklyn. Three dots came, did a little rotate and.

[Harland Williams]

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that stuff. I believe there's got to be something out there.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, if I was an alien and I saw your stand up, I'd be like, we got to get in touch with this guy.

[Harland Williams]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

To do us to book a show.

[Pete Holmes]

You wouldn't believe what they pay. It's huge.

[Harland Williams]

Is it huge?

[Pete Holmes]

Because they're like post money. They don't care.

[Harland Williams]

I wonder if the triangle. If it flew over the Bermuda Triangle and went right down, would it be a perfect fit?

[Pete Holmes]

I think you're onto something, huh? I remember in church they gave us a talk on satanic symbols. I've probably said this before. Obviously, the pentagram.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Upside down cross, the third one triangle. And I was. I. I loved everything in church. And even that. I was like, come on. But maybe.

[Harland Williams]

What about an isosceles triangle?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, isosceles was a freak.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great philosopher, though.

[Pete Holmes]

Great.

[Harland Williams]

That guy could triangulate.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I knew anything about an isosceles triangle. Although, remember I saw all these isosceles Doritos are isosceles triangles.

[Harland Williams]

When I. Christmas at Halloween, what I do is I go to Staples, you know? Staples?

[Pete Holmes]

The store?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. And they have. You can buy isosceles triangles by the bag. I mean, they sell them there in the ruler section.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

And so what I do just for fun on Halloween, I'll get bags of isosceles triangles and I'll go around the neighborhood and stab them into the front of the eyes of the Jack o'. Lanterns. So it looks like all the pumpkins in my neighborhood are wearing sunglasses, like 80s style. 70s.

[Pete Holmes]

70S, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Like thick sun, like disco glasses.

[Pete Holmes]

What were the 70s of the 70s?

[Harland Williams]

Disco dancing, disco clogs. Men wore Clogs with that. Clogs were a thing. Earth shoes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got to be.

[Harland Williams]

It's got D. Oh, it's got to have a D in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Seven days of the seventies.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, the seventies, okay, sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

The seventies.

[Harland Williams]

Disco. Disco. Dildos.

[Pete Holmes]

Dildos.

[Harland Williams]

Donny Osmond.

[Pete Holmes]

Donnie.

[Harland Williams]

Diarrhea was big.

[Pete Holmes]

Diarrhea was huge. I don't think there was any awareness of what caused or how to get rid of diarrhea.

[Harland Williams]

Right. That's why it was so fun. People just used it as a recreational.

[Pete Holmes]

And to think that it was the era of white pants. It's very disorienting.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. So it was back then. Diarrhea was recreational.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

You can do it in a park. Yeah. Museum.

[Pete Holmes]

It's push free pooping.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. What else? Diphtheria.

[Pete Holmes]

Dysteria.

[Harland Williams]

Diphtheria was a big one in the 70s. It's like a disease you get if you get bit by a mosquito in the twat.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, but you need to wear DEET.

[Harland Williams]

Right, to get rid of it. We're DEET and Dean Martin. Dean Martin in the 70s.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Harland Williams]

You did it, baby. It's cold outside, Baby. I smell your diarrhea. I don't. I don't know. Christmas.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you doing some push free pooping? Maybe just half a squirt more, baby. It's fun. Diarrhea is fun. You wipe it. It looks like the Shroud of Turin. It's all wet.

[Harland Williams]

You know, Shroud of Turin? Do you believe it's actually the very first Rorschach test?

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, you, sir, have done a 90 minute callback.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You get the. You get the PD. The PD award.

[Harland Williams]

What's that?

[Pete Holmes]

We're miming. This is improv.

[Harland Williams]

Oh. I'd like to thank the Academy.

[Pete Holmes]

They're playing the music.

[Harland Williams]

I'm not finished yet. I'd like to thank the denim chair. I'd like to thank all the members except for the people listening. I'd like to thank the people watching. Those of you listening will never know what my award looks like. You can go to Steve Martin's house and suck cucumbers out of his vacuum cleaner.

[Pete Holmes]

With the bumps.

[Harland Williams]

Those are dill pickles.

[Pete Holmes]

But cucumbers are dill pickles.

[Harland Williams]

Well, are they?

[Pete Holmes]

They will be.

[Harland Williams]

You will.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll butterfly a child. We did it. We did every callback. Well, you're a gift to the. To the planet.

[Harland Williams]

So are you.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks for being here. So are ye. For the. For the time travelers listening.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And thank you. And do you want to plug anything.

[Harland Williams]

Well, if you have a chance, check out my podcast, the Harland Highway. Pete's been on it twice, and we had a riot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, always fun.

[Harland Williams]

Real riot.

[Pete Holmes]

Twice. And we'll do it again. That's why I was like, let's just do it on mine, because we want to do it all the time. Yeah, but just mix it up.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate you coming this way.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, yeah, no, it's. This is great, buddy. Thanks for having me.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved every second of it. Would you say Harland highway is the podcast? It's amazing. Keep it crispy is the catchphrase. It's how we end. You say keep it crispy.

[Harland Williams]

I say it.

[Pete Holmes]

You say it.

[Harland Williams]

Can I say keep it Krispy Kreme, or just you can say keep it Krispy Kreme because I love those donuts.

[Pete Holmes]

I do have a. A request. Would you say it how people think you talk?

[Harland Williams]

Keep it Krispy Kreme even. And now all the callbacks are complete.

[Pete Holmes]

What a delight. Thank you.

[Harland Williams]

Thank you, buddy.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved every second of that.