Jimmy Kimmel (Re-Release)

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Jimmy Kimmel
Episode: Jimmy Kimmel (Re-Release)
Release Date: October 10, 2025

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Episode Overview

This special re-release features late-night host and comedian Jimmy Kimmel sitting down with Pete Holmes for a funny, candid, and often heartfelt conversation. The episode explores Jimmy's upbringing, career journey, personal anxieties, thoughts on masculinity, family, comedy, and life itself. The chemistry and shared weirdness between Pete and Jimmy make for a deeply engaging and laughter-filled hour.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Setting the Stage

• Jimmy and Pete exchange playful greetings, joke about the audio setup, and introduce "Dan," Jimmy's friend visiting from New Jersey.
• Notable Quote:
  "Your microphones sound really good ... the headphones are almost childish. They're toys, is what they are."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (03:09)

2. Big Heads, Heritage, and Sexuality

• Spirited discussion about head sizes among comedians and their families (“Is your wife funny?” “She’s the big head writer.”)
• Playful riff on Irish heritage and its supposed links to hard-headedness.
• The spectrum of sexuality and feeling out of place at Pride events.
• Notable Quote:
  "Maybe we're more tightly wound because we feel like we have to look cool or masculine or something in order to put our penises into vaginas."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (05:41)

3. Masculinity, Permission, and Social Anxiety

• Why men struggle to fully let loose at parades, weddings, etc.—the need for “permission” (often alcohol).
• The burden and performance of masculinity: “We achieve erections — they're achievements.” (06:12)
• Comparison to ritualistic rites of passage for boys and what becoming an adult means in modern times.
• Timestamps:
  • Spectrum/Parade: 04:28–06:16
  • Alcoholic permission: 06:50–07:11

4. Marriage, Growing Up, and Family Dynamics

• Both married young — Jimmy at 20, Pete at 22.
• How marriage forced them into practical adulthood (moving, fixing sprinklers, etc.).
• Reflection on seeing early relationships not as failures but as formative experiences.
• “The thing that really made me a man was...packing a 26-foot moving truck... and driving it from Seattle to Phoenix.”
  — Jimmy Kimmel (07:58)

5. Childhood, Parenting, and Comic Book Nostalgia

• The difference in parenting sons vs. daughters, reliving childhood through their kids.
• Boys’ induction into “the men’s group” and the lack of clear contemporary rituals.
• Comic books, toys, and how economic freedom enables childish impulses (life-size Batman busts, “masturbation castle”).
• Timestamps:
  • Rites of passage: 09:16–10:37
  • Toy nostalgia: 11:11–11:49
  • Masturbation castle: 11:49–12:03

6. Generational Delayed Adulthood & the Value of Struggle

• Extended adolescence in the current generations due to abundance of “fun things.”
• The actual benefits of video games—skeet shooting skills for kids.
• The enduring value of “origin stories” and the warmth of war stories from struggling times.
• The agony of job hunting in early career radio, the Radio & Records magazine ritual.
• Notable Quote:
  "You forget to enjoy it when it's happening ... there was absolutely nothing funny about it."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (19:18)

7. The Burden of Obligations and Scheduling Anxiety

• The dread of obligations, even fun ones (“if it's on the calendar, I don’t want to do it”).
• Relates to dread for social rituals like weekends and scheduled fun.
• Procrastination and pranking his future self with delayed commitments (like nailing bacon to the wall to eat a year later).
• Timestamps:
  • Dreading fun: 24:16–24:50
  • Bacon prank: 26:27–27:40

8. Anxiety, Identity & Late-Night Television

• Jimmy’s anxiety around trying new things and watching the starts of other people’s talk shows.
• The pressure and anxiety of hosting live TV.
• The difference between live, unedited shows and the safety net of post-production.
• Discussion about the evolving authenticity in comedy audiences crave today.
• Timestamps:
  • Late night anxiety: 28:27–30:54
  • Talk show authenticity: 31:10–33:45

9. Comic Pranking, Sensitivities & Boundaries

• Era of pranks: The morality of pranking, the Paris Hilton plane stunt, and difference between cleverness and cruelty.
• Love for long-term targets (Aunt Chippy) and the joy of milking reactions (“ringing one more drop out of a bar rag”).
• Notable Quote:
  "There's nothing I like better than ringing one more drop out of a bar rag."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (38:39)

10. The Heaven/Hell of Talk Shows & Comedic Pressures

• The push-pull of daily creative output—sometimes "heaven," sometimes "have I gotten what I wished for?"
• The unique anxiety of segment-driven comedy (“You have seven minutes to be funny — in 30, I can be funny, but seven?”).
• The value of embracing failure and mistakes on air.
• Timestamps:
  • Segment pressure: 42:01–43:14
  • Embracing mistakes: 31:10–33:45

11. Faith, Upbringing & Meaning of Life

• Both raised Catholic; view church as a foundation for morality and community, if not literal faith.
• The golden rule, Jesus’ “love one another,” and resistance to red tape in religion.
• Pete presses Jimmy on the greater meaning of life — Jimmy references James Taylor’s “The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.”
• Notable Quote:
  "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time. And that is something that eludes me in general."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (76:37)

12. Mortality, Guilt, and Being a Good Person

• Jimmy’s honest discomfort with wealth, feeling he “should give more of my money to people” (very Catholic guilt).
• Discussion about performing good acts for intrinsic vs. extrinsic/reward-based reasons.
• Memories of childish fear of adults and the lasting effect of scary priests in Catholic upbringing.
• Philosophical reflections: Afterlife beliefs (“If you're a positive force, your energy goes on as part of a symphony...”) but ultimately accepting not knowing.
• Timestamps:
  • Wealth guilt: 83:09–83:46
  • Afterlife musings: 78:28–79:24

13. Comedy as Coping & Family Influence

• Early experiences making classmates laugh, getting hooked on audience reactions.
• Family wit and mischief, particularly his grandfather and their legendary pranks (putting out cake candles with wet hands).
• The joy in the “predictability” of certain types of humor (e.g., people walking into glass doors).
• Notable Quote:
  "Comedy's supposed to be based on surprise, but it's the predictability is what kills me."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (60:13)

14. Obsessions: Charging Phones, Limes, & Mundane Details

• Deep dive into Jimmy’s organizational anxiety — obsessive about plugging in devices, taking photos of his parking spots, and buying limes in bulk at Costco.
• Amusing tangent about lemons in Mexico and decaf coffee in South America.

15. Fame, Money, and Shyness

• The upside to fame: makes the world “a small town” and breaks the ice for a usually shy person.
• The relief of not worrying about money after years of genuine financial hardship.

16. Lightning Round (Weird Questions & Final Thoughts)

• Last time Jimmy cried: On-air talking about David Letterman retiring—his “nightmare” moment
• Fights: Many as a Brooklyn kid; had a dedicated “fighting shirt”
• Sleep: Has narcolepsy, can fall asleep instantly, sometimes even driving
• Hardest laughter ever: Childhood go-kart collision, church/funeral laughs, and legendary family fights
• Favorite parent: Deeper attachment to mother, more chumminess/video texts from father (who sometimes sends him photos of his own bowel movements!)
• Pete’s closing: You’ve hit the “hard laugh bell” so many times, this is one of the funniest episodes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Pranking & Family:

  "There's nothing I like better than ringing one more drop out of a bar rag. Like, just when you think there's nothing left, you get one more."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (38:39)

• On Obligations:

  "If it's on the calendar, I don't want to do it. ... It's terrible. It's a great, terrible way to live."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (24:16)

• On Struggle & Career:

  "You forget to enjoy it when it's happening ... there was absolutely nothing funny about it."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (19:18)

• On Money & Fame:

  "I do like that part about it because I am generally very shy. ... The idea that that ice is broken with almost everyone I meet is a great relief for me."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (84:07)

• On the Meaning of Life:

  "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time. And that is something that eludes me in general."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (76:37)

• On Being Good for the Sake of It:

  "There's something wrong with being a good person so you'll be rewarded for it in the future ... that kind of defeats the purpose."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (79:11)

• On Church Humor:

  "Church laugh is really good. Funeral laughs, crazy."
  — Jimmy Kimmel (110:45)

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Important Timestamps for Segments

• 03:13 – Microphones & comedy head sizes
• 04:28–06:16 – Sexuality, Pride, and masculinity
• 07:38–08:47 – Getting married young and growing up fast
• 09:16–10:37 – Rites of passage and masculinity
• 11:49–12:03 – Masturbation castle and man-childhood
• 19:08–20:07 – The agony of job hunting in early career
• 24:16–24:50 – Fear of obligations (the “calendar” quote)
• 26:27–27:40 – Future Jimmy’s problem: eating year-old bacon
• 31:10–33:45 – Talk show authenticity and parodies of parodies
• 60:13–60:22 – Laughing at predictable behavior
• 76:37 – The secret of life
• 79:11–79:24 – Afterlife musings
• 83:09–83:46 – Wealth guilt
• 110:45–112:57 – Church and funeral laughs

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Episode in a Nutshell

This episode is a warm, wide-ranging, and exceptionally funny conversation that dives deep into Jimmy Kimmel’s quirks, anxieties, memories, and comedic worldview. It's rich with stories about family, friends, pranks, and the pains and triumphs of life in show business. Pete and Jimmy are open, self-deprecating, and philosophical, making it as meaningful as it is hilarious. If you want rare insight into the mind and heart of a late-night legend—complete with tales of limes, prank wars, and the meaning of life—this is a can’t-miss episode.

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Ending Catchphrase:
Pete: "And we end the podcast with the guest saying, keep it crispy. It's just the thing."
Jimmy: "Keep it crispy." (117:52)

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Transcript

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening, weirdos? Sorry for the terrible audio quality. I'm recording this in the airport on my way to Cleveland. Thanks to all the weirdos that came out to these shows. I believe they sold out, which is awesome. If you'd like to see me on the road, go to peteholmes.com I'm so excited about this tour coming up of Los Angeles on November 1st. We have Chicago on November 6th, followed by Pittsburgh, New York, New York, Atlantic city, Milwaukee, Brea, North Carolina, South Carolina, Miami, Michigan, and Madison, Wisconsin. All of those are on PeteHolmes.com and this is the re release of Jimmy Kimmel. He's killing it. So big, so funny, so amazing. So it seemed like a good time to re release this episode, this wonderful chat. Do keep in mind it's a while ago, but it's still a great chat with a great person and a very, very funny man. So we're glad you're here. Enjoy the episode. Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage and we'll be right back for the episode.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's morning in. Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm Kathryn Grody. And we have a new podcast. It's called don't listen to Us.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Many of you have asked for our advice. Tell me, what is wrong with you people.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't listen to us. Our take it or leave it advice.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th.

[Pete Holmes]

A Lemonada Media original.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Hi there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. This fall, my podcast, Wiser Than Me.

[Pete Holmes]

Is back for season three with even more wisdom straight from some legendary old ladies.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

These chickadees have a lot to teach us.

[Pete Holmes]

Every word is a lesson in living.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Unapologetically and focusing on the stuff that really matters. From Lemonada Media Wiser than Me, Season 3 out now.

[Pete Holmes]

Find it wherever you get your podcasts, subscribe to Lemonada Premium in the Apple podcasts app and listen to every episode of season three A.D. free. All right, everybody, so glad you're here. Enjoy the wonderful Jimmy Kimmel. Get into it. Oh, how's it going, man?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Good. How you doing?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm doing great.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Are we on or. Oh, no. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You have your headphones on?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I just like to start.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, I see. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Who is Dan? Just. We'll talk about. There's a. There's a Dan sitting in.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Dan Sanborn's a friend of mine. He lives in New Jersey. He's out here visiting and we wanted to get together and he's A fan of yours as well, so I thought I'd bring him. By the way, your microphones sound really good, isn't it? The headphones are almost childish. They're toys, is what they are.

[Pete Holmes]

But the microphone sounds, they're not appropriate. And look at my gigantic head. Have you found that most comedians, you know, have larger heads than they ought to?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Since you've lost the weight, that's been more manifest.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I do have a pretty big head. My wife has a very big head.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? Is she funny?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes, she's funny. She's the head writer on our show.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we laugh at the joke? Head writer.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She's the big head writer. She loves that one.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, that's been said before you shockingly. Wait, how big is her head?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, I thought you were making a blowjob joke, so.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, come on, you're my guest. I'm not here to defame your wife.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't. You know what? I don't think anyone ever has, really. But she's weirdly pro that she has a big head.

[Pete Holmes]

Is she Irish?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She is Irish.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go. I think I get it from my Irish side, too. Lithuanians, Little heads.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Do you think the Irish have bigger heads?

[Pete Holmes]

We have hard heads. That's the thing. My dad, whenever he hits his head, he goes, it's okay, I'm Irish. I don't know what that means.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'm thick. I'm like, I don't know, two fifths Irish or something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you really just enough?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, just enough for my head to be oversized.

[Pete Holmes]

What percentage gay are you?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, it depends on what I'm doing. You know what I'm gonna say more than you would guess.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's funny. I have a bit on stage, I do from time to time about how sexuality is a spectrum, Right. And I'm trying to get. Sometimes it works great.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, are you a performer, you salty dog? You like how I wove that in.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes when I'm doing sets?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Jimmy.

[Pete Holmes]

But I talk about that, and sometimes it doesn't go well. So I don't mean that as a callous question, but when I asked you about being Irish, I remember I was just in New York and I went for a walk, and it was the biggest gay day ever.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It was the pride.

[Pete Holmes]

It was the pride day. I just happened to be there. And of course, it was wonderful. And energy. It was good. So I went from Irish pride to Gay pride. And that's where we never feel like.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

A bigger nerd than when there's A gay parade going on.

[Pete Holmes]

I felt very square and I also for me, very square.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I feel like I'm missing out on something that I would like to be part of.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I ask you something? What is it? Why can't we just kind of like. I'm not talking about straight. This isn't a straight stereotype. I'm saying you seem like my kind of guy. And I'm the kind of guy that will lean on a building on Fifth Avenue and watch the parade and I will smile. But there's something that stops me from being like. Arms in the air, dancing, cheer. I won't even go woo. Even though I feel it. I felt it in my heart that NYPD went by and I was very moved by that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Maybe we're more tightly wound because we feel like we have to look cool or masculine or something in order to put our penises into vaginas. Right. And maybe when you're looking for other guys, that's off the table. It's like, yeah, whatever. Let's go with, you know, let's.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like if there was another penis in the room, there would be more pressure to achieve an erection. Because he has one.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Or he doesn't have one.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

There's no pressure if you're gay, you know, I mean, then it's, you know. Do you feel pressure to get an erection?

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely. This is the burden of manhood. We achieve erections.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're achievements.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's not an achievement for me. It really isn't. I really. I'd like to call it an achievement.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually think what you said, like leaning on buildings and trying to act cool. And is that. I think I'm going to hypothesize here that most men are trying to psych themselves up consistently. Constantly trying to reaffirm their masculinity for when the time comes that they need an erection. No. Bit.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. I think you might be right. And I think that I find it's not just parades, it's weddings. Like, everybody will be dancing. Yep. And I'm uncomfortable. Unless I'm really hammered or something, I won't get out on the dance floor.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you bring into the idea that this is permission. You're not looking for alcohol necessarily. You're looking for some sort of excuse, you understand? Like you drink a little bit. It's like the non alcoholic beer experiment.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You drink the thing. And now I'm dancing at a wedding.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I think, I think sometimes people do that with sex also. It's like if I get Drunk enough I can have sex with this guy or this woman and absolutely alcohol.

[Pete Holmes]

Is something wrong?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

As Jamie Foxx.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's a hip hop hit. It's a hip hop.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It really was. That's exactly what it was.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny because, you know, you're like a. You're like a guy fellow.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, I guess so. Not really.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, if Carolla came on the show, I said the same thing to him. I'm interested in funny people that kind of come from a more traditional. Like, you seem to like sports. You seem to. You know how to drive a stick. I'm guessing I do.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I drove one here, as a matter of fact. See, I could drive you to the.

[Pete Holmes]

Hospital, but I'm gonna burn that clutch.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, there's a few things. You know what part of it is? I got married young. I got married when I was 20 years old.

[Pete Holmes]

I got married when I was 22.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You learn to do things that. That like my son who is 21, has no idea how to do, like fix sprinklers or.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you got married.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, because you get married and then you can call your dad to come over the house and fix it. Or in my case, my mom would be the one that would fix something if I needed it. And somebody needs. You don't have any money and you have to. You have to learn how to do things. You have to move like one of my big. I think the thing that really made me a man was, was moving. Packing a 26 foot moving truck with a Pontiac Grand Am attached to the back of it. And moving from Seattle to Phoenix and driving that moving truck, which I was terrified. And I think at the end of it, I felt like I'd accomplished something. It's almost like when people who of wealth or culture go to, like, spend a semester abroad. That was my semester abroad. Driving a beacon or whatever it was. Yeah, Some truck. From Seattle to Phoenix.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll do you one. Maybe not better, but different is that I've been reading I love Joseph Campbell. I don't know if you know who that is. He's the big myth guy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't matter.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I'm gonna explain it anyway. Why did I quiz you? I was gonna. Either way, I was gonna.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's what men do.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Do you know this?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Of course I know it.

[Pete Holmes]

And my boner tonight is gonna be 3% better. Cause I bested you and I'm gonna think of that upon insertion.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, good.

[Pete Holmes]

I was the big man. I really think that's at the core of so many things. Anyway, there's this thing. There's this idea that children.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Boys.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's speak of young boys. And you have a boy, right?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I have two. Well, you have one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, two children, but one boy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I have three children. Two are girls. One's a boy.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so you have a boy. I'm interested in what you think about this as a dad and as a guy. As a guy, man, is that the boy is born and the mom and the boy bond for a long time. This is his idea, and I agree with this idea. So he says, until you're about two, the man is just. He calls it mommy's hairy helper, which I think is so funny because there isn't the breastfeeding. There isn't the incubating in the womb and coming out of her body and all that sort of stuff. So the guy just kind of around, you know, that sort of awkwardness where he's like, I can feed it. And he takes his shirt off, and he does his best to kind of.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Even when the mother's mother comes over, you get kind of pushed to third. Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

She's not even really that genetically involved. You were so much more involved, and you get pushed aside by this strange old woman. But then around puberty, and this is where we get all these rituals, is the boy is brought into the men's group. And I'm starting to think of, what if I had a son? What would I do for this? Cause you need to do something at this point. A lot of times, this is where circumcision happens. But more importantly, this is where they're taught how to hunt. And this is where they're brought into some sort of scary cave. And it's a test, literally, like, you know, or, you know, Star wars is going into the woods with Yoda. I bring this up almost every episode.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, for us, our version of that is watching them going to the woods with Yoda. But that's what I'm saying. Reliving your you. For me, that was the best, you know, when, you know, I had my daughter and I was thrilled to have a daughter. But then when I had a son, it was like, not only do I get to watch, you know, I get to buy all the toys that I never got or that I had, buy them over again and play with them again. And really, like, you relive your own child.

[Pete Holmes]

This is dangerous for eyes. Let's get two instead of not getting it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Like, this comic book store is a place that I would Bring my son now and we'd both right, go crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that I do that for me, because I don't have any kids, I actually don't do it as much. But when I first was making a living, this is where you get the phenomenon of like, you couldn't walk into the store without getting like a life size bust of Batman. Right. And being like, it's eleven hundred dollars. But like you can and no one's stopping you. You absolutely shouldn't, but you can.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. And sometimes you do and sometimes you absolutely do. And the women, it really turns them on. And by the way, it's a self perpetuating thing because if you do get the life size $1100 Batman statue, no woman is going to allow you to impregnate her. And sometimes you get caught in that little vicious cycle and just never, you never get out of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you going to be in a masturbation castle, like an amazing masturbation castle with Batman and a red phone and all these toys, or are you going to have actual consensual sex?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, right. And I think most guys would probably settle for the castle.

[Pete Holmes]

I did for years.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

For years.

[Pete Holmes]

But you had this road trip and I'm saying that that was a little bit. It was late. You were 20. Yeah, but late. Better late than never. Is this idea that there needs to be some sort of inducting into the feeling of independence and this is postponed. I'm talking about my generation. One of the worst we can agree. We just keep postponing any sort of maturing or growing or independence.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It does seem to be more prevalent now, doesn't it?

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I think it's just because we're so involved with ourselves and there are so many. There's just so many fun things to do now that don't have any, like for me, any value. You know, I'm a very good speller. I read very quickly, I write pretty well. And I think it's because of comic books and baseball cards. And I think like I got good at math from calculating baseball statistics and I got interested in reading from comic books. But I don't know, I mean, I guess there are some. Like for instance, I took my son skeet shooting and he was unbelievably good at was as if he was born with a rifle in his hand and stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Let it lead.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I was like, okay, well this I guess is one of the few benefits.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause he played video games.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

From video games. Yeah. And I guess maybe if you were flying a jet or something. In the military that it would also be a benefit, but there don't seem to be much beyond that.

[Pete Holmes]

Was there any sort of idea of inducting your son into this male club? I know that especially these days, and I'm sympathetic to the idea that gender is, you know, blurry, but, you know, you want to bring your son in and be like, do you want to do some. Some guy stuff? And by that I just mean away from women. It could be anything. It could be painting, it could be writing poetry. I don't give a fuck. But some sort of, like, men like to brood together like gorillas. Like all the male gorillas just sit together all day.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't think I thought of it like that, but I think that probably, you know, I just wanted him to do the things that I wanted to do, like play baseball. You know, it's like I just wanted to push him to the things that I like. And some of them he, you know, some of them he went along with and some of them he didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

How old is he now?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

He's 21.

[Pete Holmes]

See, this is like our friend old Judd Apatow's bit where he's like, he doesn't want to ground his children because he wants to have fun, because if he grounds them, he has to, like, also be bored.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

He wants them to be able to watch R rated movies because he's watching an R rated movie. So it sounds like the same sort of thing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's called being a bad parent.

[Pete Holmes]

So what did your marriage do to you? I'm interested in that because we're in the married young age, what did it do to me phase. You say you don't regret it, right? I'm assuming.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, of course not. I don't regret it. I used to look at. I used to think of relationships that ended as a failure. You know, if they didn't go forever, they were a failure. But I don't really look at it like that anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't say that enough. Please say that to everybody you meet. I really can't. You can't get that message out enough. I don't.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Because you learn things from people and you learn how to be better in the. The next relationship. And, you know, I. I just don't. I don't look at it like that anymore. And I think that it's, you know, when you can look at certain things and say, oh, yes, I've matured in this area.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And that area. And that is. That's one of them.

[Pete Holmes]

And it made you I mean, you, you. Your brain just stopped developing when you got married. You were not able to legally drink. And then you found yourself in the. In the new comfort of this other person, this other feminine support. I have to assume, supporting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

My ex wife is three years older than I am, and my wife was three years older than. And she really had it together. Like, you know, she had a job and an apartment. And I was. When I was in college, I was living with my parents. You know, I lived in Las Vegas. I went to school in Las Vegas for a year. And then we moved to Arizona. And my parents said, you're coming to Arizona with us and you're going to Arizona State. So not only did I get married, the first time I ever lived outside of my parents house was with my wife.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So it was. It was like having a wife and a roommate at the same time.

[Pete Holmes]

That was me too. I went from home. First apartment was with my wife. In fact, I was so scared to be out in the real world. It was an impetus to get married.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Like, how old were you when. When this happened?

[Pete Holmes]

22.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

22.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was the first girl. I was religious. I know you're Catholic. We'll get to that. But the idea that I had sex with a girl, I make this joke sometimes that she went down on me. And most guys are just like enjoying it. I was thinking of like floral arrangements, like where we could get do the ceremony.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What's our first song gonna be? Do you think we should have the fish? It never really comes out good when served in Buffett. It's so dry.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so dry. And then I say it's so dry out loud. And she just thinks it's terrible. But where were we? I got.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You were getting a blowjob. Dry fish.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I yell every time I climax.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

We were talking about regretting and what we learned.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, and then I went to my first apartment was with this person because she had had an apartment before and she had had a little bit more life experience than me and I. When we broke up, it was a little bit like she. We were like, oh, you're my mom wife. You were my mommy wife, right? And especially I'm a performer to performers, to the open mic years. You know what I mean? Like, she really had to be there for all the anxiety and the. I have a show in three weeks and like, I can't eat tonight. You know what I mean? I have too much anxiety to eat tonight.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

There is something exciting about that though. And that kind of sometimes I think I Wish I was 17 years old and starting over again, because, you know, it was terrifying. And you have no money. And for me, I was in radio, and I had to move from town to town. You know, this is. The whole. This podcast thing is crazy to me, because in order to get on the air, you had to answer the telephone at a radio station for two years. And then if you're lucky, you got a shift on Sunday and you'd say, like, 27 words an hour. You know, you'd be talking over records. And the idea that you can go on and really do a show that people listen to. I mean, I suppose I could have just. I could have sat in the room and spoken to a tape recorder, but nobody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, who's gonna buy it? It's your mix even saying.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's just. There's no. There's no fun to it, even if you're doing it. If you're just doing it for fun, nobody's hearing it.

[Pete Holmes]

Right, right. Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And. And so I don't remember where I was, too. What's going on out there? There's some kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, there's a showdown stage when we.

[Pete Holmes]

Do the evening one. Sometimes we compete with something happening below us. You were saying you'd love to start over from when you were.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, sometimes I feel like that. I feel like it would be fun to start over and use the Internet and be able to make, you know, to have a video. Yeah, that's really funny because I think now it's. It's. It's. I won't say it's easier, but fruit.

[Pete Holmes]

Hanging a little bit lower.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'll.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll give you that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know, you're not going to make $30 million hosting a talk show ever again.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

But you could make $100,000 and be 14, and that's awesome. I mean, that's much better than making $30 million at 50.

[Pete Holmes]

It's also more compelling. Origin stories are always way better. Like, the first Avengers movie to bring in comic book examples was way better than the second. Just because you want to see how they get together.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who cares how? Like, your story, I have to imagine, and I don't know that much about it. I know the basics has to have been more interesting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's a wonderful story. It really is. I'd love to share it. Well, it's, you know, it's mostly interesting to me, but it was a struggle, and you kind of, you know, the whole Time, it's. You forget to enjoy it when it's happening. I remember being unemployed and, like, getting fired from a radio job, and I got fired from a lot of radio jobs and I'd have to pick up and move across the country, and it was terrible. And everybody thinks it's funny now, and I get a lot of laughs out of it, but there was absolutely nothing funny about it. It never even occurred to me that one day this will be a funny story. It was so terrible, it was just devastating. I mean, just the pack working alone made it terrible. And then the terror of, am I going to find another job that pays $20,000 in Tampa, Florida? And really, even just trying to get a program director on the telephone was a nightmare.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

There was a magazine called Radio and Records. I think it still exists, but it came out every Thursday and it got mailed to my house. It got there on Thursdays, and I would be waiting for the mailman when I been fired in Seattle and was back living with my parents, waiting for the mailman so I could go to the classifieds and find out what jobs were available and try to get my tape to that radio station before other DJs got theirs to the radio station. And if the mail was delayed and I didn't get it till Friday, it was really like 24 hours of agony. It was terror. It was terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

I know exactly what you're.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

On second thought, I don't. I don't want to do it all over again.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's almost like. Although those are your stories, I have to imagine when you're in some sort of leather relaxing chair in your nice house and you have some sort of scotch that's premium.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know, it's weird. I do have a leather chair in my house. How the. You're very good.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're sipping it and you're. And you're. And you know, the only friend of yours I know that is Corolla, but if you guys are talking about coming up or whatever, you love those. Don't they fill you with some sort of warmth? Well, great. You somebody with Adam.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

There's no real talking. There's listening.

[Pete Holmes]

That's my gorilla.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's pretty good. Here's the deal, man.

[Pete Holmes]

He got a lot of listeners on this podcast. Not upset, but a lot of people were.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, did he? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because he's. He's a different.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

He's gone crazy. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he lost his mind.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, here's the thing about Adam, and he would probably argue with this, but he'll just say whatever at any time. So you can give him any subject. And he will. It's more sport for him. It's not necessarily that he means the things or believes the things that he says. The ball in the air, he's just. It's a mental exercise. Yeah, you're exactly right. He wants to keep the ball in the air and explore every avenue. And oftentimes those avenues lead into dark alleys. Yeah. And. But I think that if you, you know, you know him on the air is he's a very different person in real life.

[Pete Holmes]

In real life, he's more.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

More life on the air.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, it. You got it. That's exactly right.

[Pete Holmes]

But the idea of the origin stories.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I love that people got mad at you on your podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, I know.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

How dare you?

[Pete Holmes]

The one place. But the idea of your war stories, that's the thing that I try and impart to young comics is like, you're gonna love those stories. The stories of driving to some as a stand up, some shitty roadhouse and getting heckled and people blowing smoke at you and not making any money.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Who the hell wants to hear that stuff though? When you're going through it, it's like, oh, ye good. I'm glad. I'm gonna love these stories one day. In the meantime, I'm bleeding.

[Pete Holmes]

But you know what I try and do, and this might sound detached, is I try. And when we watch tv, if you were watching a TV show about a young guy working in radio who keeps getting fired, Right. You'd be like, this is a great.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Episode and a big indicator. And I think this goes for any job is they stop yelling at you. When they stop taking the time to yell at you, then you know that there's trouble on the horizon.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just reading about Eric Stoltz. Remember, he shot for five weeks?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I read that too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And they. And they knew they were going to let him go, but he was still shooting. I'm sure no one was yelling at him during that time. They're like, we got it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That was a crazy story.

[Pete Holmes]

Was a great story. Crazy, great story.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And even telling the story is kind of a bummer for Eric Stoltz because it's like the part about the crew breaking into applause when he announced that he was fired. I don't know. I didn't like that part. I don't know the guy. I've never met him. I don't know if he deserved it or not, but I didn't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's brutal. I want to address. Because I know we don't have that much time.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Right? We have plenty of time. We're.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, well, I'll keep it moving just because, you know, who cares? But the idea. You said something that I love when I saw you. Yeah. And I want to. I've been quoting it like mad. Like crazy. Is the idea that if it's on the calendar, I don't want to do it because people ask you, isn't that great? It's your own quote. But you can agree that it's.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, it's terrible. It's a great, terrible way to live. It's a great quote. But it's. It's really a bad way to live. There's something scheduled. It doesn't matter what it is. Right. Even my wife organized a softball game for Father's Day. And I have to say that even that, which is it probably would be my favorite thing to do is just to play softball with a bunch of people from work or whatever. Even that I had a moment of like, oh, we gotta go. Go do that. I have to be there on time. And that's my favorite thing to do. It doesn't make. It's really like. It's. It's a terrible way to learn.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to do it. You know what it made me think of is like, I hate Friday and Saturday night. I really hate.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

The juiced up date nights.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, you mean being out and stuff. Amateur hour.

[Pete Holmes]

Go out.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I like staying. I don't have a problem with it when I'm just like staying at home or seeing a couple friends or whatever, but even go to the movies and people are like, ah, that's gotta hurt. You know what I mean? Night behavior.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I prefer the other night. So that to me is part of what you're saying is like the feeling of like, it's Friday, we gotta get drunk, it's our time. I don't even like that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It doesn't matter if I am somewhere, I'm occasionally pleasantly surprised, but it doesn't matter where it is. If I'm there and I have to be there, I don't wanna be there.

[Pete Holmes]

And this relates to the talk show. That's how somebody phrase it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

They say like that it relates to everything. It's like, yeah, people, are you having fun? And I don't know how to answer the question because I don't want to bum people out and go, no, I'm not having fun. I'm at work. I mean, really. But I think every job is like that. I Think, you know, I'm sure baseball players who get to play baseball every day are like, oh, God damn it. 11 innings. Really just get hit by the pitch. Let's get this over with.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where Russell Brand, they ask him to sing. They're like, he's in the audience. Let's get him up here. And as he's walking up, he goes, this isn't fun. This is like work for me. And then he goes on stage and acts like it's fun.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, you have to.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'll give you another thing, though. Even though I know full well that I hate obligations, if you ask me far enough in advance, I will agree to do almost anything.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's like, hey, you know what? On December 28th, I like to cut your little finger off. I'd be like, maybe we could do that in January. And, yeah, okay, lock it down. And then January comes around. I'm like, what? One of the. Probably the worst thing I did like that was I worked at kroq, a radio station here in la, on the Kevin and Bean show, on the morning show. And Bean is a vegetarian.

[Pete Holmes]

I've done the Kevin and Bean show.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. So Bean's a vegetarian, but he's not a particularly strict vegetarian. So he'll order an egg McMuffin, and if it comes with that circle of bacon on top of it, he just pulls it off and he'll eat the egg McMuffin without it. Well, I grabbed his Canadian bacon, which is like a flat disc. I mean, it looks like a coaster. And I nailed it to the wall of the studio. And I said, and I wrote the date under it, and I said, one year from today, I will eat this bacon. And I did, you know, and as like the month, the months leading up to this, I started to dread it. And I was like, why did I do this? You know? But I did. The reason why is because it was a year away. That's why.

[Pete Holmes]

It's future Jimmy's problem.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. It's not my problem.

[Pete Holmes]

You're making problems for future Jimmy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's funny you say that, because sometimes I look back at bad things that happened to me and how bad they were at the time. And I think if I now, at this age, had the power to go back in time and reverse that bad thing or that embarrassing or that, you know, shitting in your pants at dinner with your in laws or something like that, if I had the power to go reverse it, I go, no, fuck him. It's like, I'M playing pranks on myself. You are.

[Pete Holmes]

And enjoying the replays in your mind.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

You wouldn't change it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's a weird thing. I'm sure if I had enough therapy I would be able to get over that, but I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a weird question for you. Are you aware that I had a late night show?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I am aware of that. Okay. I didn't know. Well, I told you in an email. I was embarrassed that I. I couldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell what you meant.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I did not watch it. And in fact I was explaining to.

[Pete Holmes]

Dan, I read that email to Mike Birbigl both like, he means your stand up show.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, I meant your talk show and I'll tell you why. And I was explaining this to Dan on the drive over because Dan was. Is a big fan of yours and was talking about how funny your show is. It causes me a lot of anxiety to watch someone start a talk show.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So I need a few years to like before I will even sample it because I have so much empathy that it really like. Because those years were so difficult.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember feeling that for you.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How long ago was that?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That was almost 13 years ago.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so I was 23 and I wasn't. What do you give a shit? I wasn't really watching it, but I would get clips and little glimpses of it on other shows like Entertainment Tonight or however we got our entertainment news. And I would be like, oh man, he looks.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, you were seeing the best things, I'm sure too. You were getting the nugget. You were getting the stuff we sent out.

[Pete Holmes]

I just remember you were the first guy because you were starting, you know, I guess Conan started. When did Conan start?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I guess he started way before I did.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. So I was old enough to kind of know what late night was when you were starting. So you were my guy and you were the first guy that I was like, oh, what a difficult thing the show was.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Thank you. The show was. That's my secret. I make it look hard. I make it look difficult. The show was live at the time and you don't realize how much nipping and tucking goes on on every to talk show.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't believe you did until you're.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Doing one that doesn't have any of it. And I didn't even realize it until I was a guest on other people's shows and they'd cut little parts out.

[Pete Holmes]

You say that because every late night show or talk show or whatever I do now as somebody who. I only did 80 episodes, but that's enough to have an opinion.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, don't do it like it's live. I get so mad. I get so worked up. Talking to the producers after. I'm like, why did he throw it? A commercial, five minutes. It's not live.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Why should the audience suffer? Give the audience a polish.

[Pete Holmes]

And why should the guest suffer? Just because, like the anecdote. You asked me about it too late, and now you're like, well, that's all the time we had. And it's like, motherfucker, that's not all the time we have. I get so upset about this. Keep going.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It doesn't make a whole lot. Somewhere to be.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you have somewhere to be? I hate it. Don't do it like, it's like every show I've ever done.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, but it. They. People do, and I don't know. Something. I think people. You have. I had to. It was live. Yeah, I was live. And there was. There were moments of death. There were moments of death, and that was it. Now there are still moments of death, but we choose to air them if there is one.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, isn't that. You know, that's something that we did was. We loved all the mistakes, but that's. That's really the tone and vibe of comedy nowadays, I think, is this sort of authenticity. All the. All these shows that show, like talent contests and reality tv, we want to see the foibles as opposed to the polish.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, it was back when Dave started, for sure. I mean. I mean, when Letterman started at the very beginning, there were no songs played when the guest entered because they didn't have money to license those songs. So, yeah, on his morning show, people just walk out and. To a smattering of applause. And that's fine. That's okay. When you're not used to the Johnny Carson show or the Mike Douglas show or whatever was on at that time, but when you're used to that other stuff, it just feels weird. It's like a sitcom without a laugh track. You know, in the 70s, just the.

[Pete Holmes]

Creaking floorboards of the set.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You don't realize sitting down, how much that you're aware of. I think. I think, like, that's what. Like when we do, like a fake press conference or something. I wrote, like, because I'm a maniac. And we'll have new directors come in every once in a while, and they have to kind of figure out. Get the swing of things. I wrote, like a Nine page document on how to shoot a press conference. Yeah. And because what people wind up doing, which makes me crazy, and they'll do this with like, commercial parodies too, is they're parodying parodies. They're parodying things that don't exist anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And you know, things that. That you rarely ever see.

[Pete Holmes]

We were just talking about that. Michael Shea did the show. He hosts Weekend Update now. And we were like, your par. We talked about this openly. It wasn't like, oh, don't mention that you're parroting the evening news.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, most people watching don't even. You're just parodying Weekend Update like you're furthering a parody of a parody.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's true. And I think the farther you get away from that source material, the worse it is because the human mind picks up every little detail. And like, you can't set up a podium and put a bunch of microphones and then have. And like, you know, because there's no clicking sound anymore, people are using digital cameras and, you know, it's. And they always, almost always have advertising logos behind the person that's giving a press conference. You know, all these little details that I think, like, sometimes you forget about and you just have this vision of what a press conference was like when you were a kid or something. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But you want to do it real. Is that what you're saying?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Well, you know, if you're trying to trick people at least into thinking it's real, you know, you have to have all those tiny little details. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny, man. I have to think. I know you love Letterman, and to me you are the closest in tone. And I mean that obviously as a compliment to Letterman. You have. You have some balls and yet you have some snark and you don't mind hurting people's feelings.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's not true. I do mind hurting people.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, I know. But you also don't mind it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't have a great meter as to whether I am hurting their feelings or not is really what it is. It's like, I always think people will take it in the spirit of a joke, and then sometimes that's not the case.

[Pete Holmes]

I wasn't covertly calling you an asshole. No, no, I was.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

People do think that, but I mean, honestly, there's nothing I like less than hurting other people. I mean, it will. For years I will think about things. I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's always true. The meanest quote, unquote, meanest. Comedians are always the biggest softies. They're always the ones that are like, I can't believe that lady walked out. You were yelling cunt. Your closer is yelling the word cunt.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I feel different, though. I just feel remorse and like, you know, I've, you know, I really do. I like some. I mean, there are things and I won't go into them because they would be re insulting the same people. But there are people who, to this day, when they are on the show, I am triply extra nice to. Because I feel so bad about what I said or what happened, you know? Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But even the, the kind of like doing like, prank videos, which are brilliant. I mean, they're brilliant even to have that in this day and age. I really think it takes a little bit of balls to do a prank, to be like, I gotcha.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Even that people are much more sensitive. Did you see what they did to Paris Hilton on the plane? The. In Egypt? Oh, they pulled a terrible prank on Paris Hilton. And I. She's not a sympathetic character, but in a way that's, you know, really like, if that's a person you're going to attack, I think it makes you even more cowardly in a way. It's like, oh, nobody will care if I push this person out of a bus. What happened? But they pretended they had a stunt pilot and pretended their plane was crashing. Everyone started crying. You have to see it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't care for that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's not funny at all. I mean, and I'm sure there are people that think it's funny. And maybe I would have thought it was funny when I was 19, but when you watch it, it's like, wow, what is going on here? There's really no cleverness here. It's just a terrible terror.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like in uhf. Remember the Weird Al movie on the prank show where they have a cop go to the door and be like, your son's dead.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's the prank. That's not a prank.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, it's not a prank.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just an asshole. Everyone involved in that is just an asshole.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And with that said, I'm sure there are many people who think the same thing about, like. Like, I like to do things to my aunt Chippy. She's 75 years old and I've been doing it since I was a little kid. I used to load her cigarettes and they would explode. I mean, I did things to her every single time. I, you know, tie the cans underneath her car and she'd drive off and she had to pull over and get the Cans off the car. And I just love doing stuff. I love her reaction. And there's nothing nice about it. I mean, there really isn't. But I also know that somewhere deep down, she appreciates it. Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're not doing it maliciously.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

We have close enough relationship that I can do that to her.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She does get mad and she does scream at me and she'll occasionally become violent. But I had. When I was about 15 years old, I decided that my real goal, if I had any goal, was to have enough money that I could paint someone's house a crazy color and then see what their reaction was when they got back from work. Luckily, I have a TV show that will pay for this sort of thing. So I was driving with my Aunt Chippy. I was in Arizona and visiting my parents and it was some family event and we were driving. And she's complaining about people who come to the United States and don't learn to speak English. My grandparents came from Italy and they learned to speak, you know, like, she's going on. And I'm like, oh, please. You know, like, as if she would have learned to speak English if she was in that situation. So I just, I collect this information and I wanted to compound the prank. So she went to work. We painted her house bright green and orange. We painted the trees. We painted everything. Painted everything. I mean, it was insane looking. And on top of it, when she came home, there were painters with paint rollers painting the trees who didn't speak any English. And one of them hands her a beer in the middle of her tirade against. And she went absolutely nuts like you've never seen before. I mean, she went absolutely crazy, right? And then coincidentally, in the middle of this, I happened to call her house. And it's, you know, it's ridiculous. No one should ever believe. I mean, she should have known immediately that it was me. But we get her every single time, over and over and over again.

[Pete Holmes]

She thought someone else who was painting her house.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

There's nothing I like better than ringing one more drop out of a bar rag. Like, just when you think there's nothing left, you get one more. And that is what really, that's what turns me on more than anything is like, can we do this one more time? Can this possibly happen again? And with Aunt Chippy, it always does. I did one where my cousin, her daughter was pregnant, and my aunt had never seen an ultrasound before. And it occurred to me, because we'd had an ultrasound and I was like, wow, this is so amazing. So we set up a fake ultrasound clinic, and we put video. We inserted video into the ultrasound monitor. And the baby is doing jumping jacks, and the baby is picking its nose, and she doesn't know what the hell's going on. She went. And then the baby's head is my head and my cousin Sal's head. And we walk in, and she was. I mean, she was just like, completely. Just mentally broken. It was great.

[Pete Holmes]

Did she laugh?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Not really, no. I wouldn't say she laughed at all. No, she's not. Still to this day, she's not laughed, but somewhere in her, she knows that it's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the key.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I mean, it was ages and ages ago, but, like, I remember you interviewed Eminem. I'm sure you've interviewed him a bunch of times.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

This is a. Twice, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, twice. Okay. And I just remember seeing that and that. I. I think I'm basing all of that on, like, oh, this guy has balls. Because you were kind of making fun of him, and it seems like such a. Such a guy that, like, nobody makes fun of.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Although I. I mean, in.

[Pete Holmes]

Correct me if I'm wrong, I'm. I'm becoming overly.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I would. Believe me, I would love to be the brave, ballsy guy who says whatever he wants to anybody, but I did have a sense that Eminem had a sense of humor. And, in fact, I did a show called Crank Anchors, and he loved the show and asked to be a part. Asked to be a part of it. So we went to Detroit and we taped a bunch of calls with him and kind of spent, like, the weekend with him. So I didn't know him a little bit. And if I know you for more than an hour, I'll feel comfortable saying almost anything.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you knew him before? That was before the interview. Okay, there you go. But I mean, again, it wasn't coming off as callous. It's just a little bit more.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, no, I. I didn't take it like that. Yeah, but, no, I mean, yeah, I. I do get a kick out of saying weird things to people.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. And also the. The editing. Oh, you're cutting me out.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I touch your.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's just this. If you wiggle this, I lose my. My audio. Who cares?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Here, play with this.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'll never touch anything again. Oh, thank you. It's a coaster.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just with my friend Josh Rubin, one of the funniest episodes of the podcast ever, and he kept going like, and like, as a character, he kept going, can I touch all this? Which I thought was just such a funny.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

We're in a therapist's office.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, can I touch this? Can I touch the. I couldn't stop laughing at someone asking for permission to touch things. Am I allowed? So, so funny. But, yeah, we were also having an interesting conversation. Well, let me ask you this, the heaven hell thing. I've had some conversations with Conan. He wouldn't mind me saying that there is an element of, like, you're doing late night. The rigor of it. And I don't want to say this in an obvious way, but if someone who did it a little bit. We should do nine episodes in a week. And that because we had to air.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's crazy. It was crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

They're half hour, but, you know, like I said, we wouldn't do them.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

A half hour show is harder than an hour show.

[Pete Holmes]

You think so?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Absolutely. Because there's more pressure and. Yeah, you don't have that kind, you know. You know, if given enough time, you're going to be funny. Right. And that's the thing that it's hard about doing a talk show segment because you're like, I have seven minutes here to be funny. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I know for sure I can be funny in 30 minutes, but I don't know for sure that I'm going to be funny in seven.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's. That's the pressure of it. So we. I knew the role and there were days when I. I'd roll into set and you park in your spot and whatever it is that. That turns you on and you get there and you're like, this is heaven.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I've done it.

[Pete Holmes]

The audience has come to me. You do new material every day. That was.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's the best part.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the best part. That's the drug of it for me.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Was when I went back to stand up and I was doing stand up a little bit during the time, I was like, I just tell the same old jokes. There's no cue cards. You know what I mean?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I liked having the cards because then you could play around and always go back if you wanted to. And that was a real adrenaline thing for me. And then there were days where you're just kind of like, oh, no, have I gotten what I wished for? And it's just this sort of out of touch. Your feet are never really on the ground. The world is just kind of passing through you sort of feeling. Does it ever feel that way for you.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Sometimes you feel like you have to compromise just because you have to get the show on the air. You know, sometimes you feel like, you know, if I had another two hours, this could be really good. But this is gonna be gone tomorrow and I need to put something on the air.

[Pete Holmes]

It needs to happen.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I would be lying if I told you that there haven't been times where, especially at the beginning of the show when we were live, when it was just like, this is not very good, but we have to put it on the air because it's scheduled tonight.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny that you said I wanted to ask you about. Maybe you don't wanna say, but. But I wanted to talk about, like, the worst segments. I remember I did a segment for Conan. This is before my talk show. And he was like, go to. He didn't say this. His segment producer was like, we want somebody to go to where the Mets.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Play Chase Stadium at the time, or Citi Field.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it was Citi Field. It seemed like it was City Field, and we weren't allowed to shoot the game. And we were also, like, going into this big conference center. It was like some sort of. I don't know anything about sports. And we thought that might be funny. It's like, I don't know anything about sports. And we kind of pitched that and then we went. And I just did. I was going for that found humor stuff. I'm just kind of talking to people, being like, well, how do you suggest somebody who doesn't like sports enjoy a baseball game after, like, three hours of everyone just telling me to drink? You know what I mean?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

We hand in this piece. They didn't air it. Like, they just didn't air it. That was like my foray into late night was Conan. He never said. Nobody ever said anything. They just didn't air it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Right. Yeah. It's a bummer. Do you find that it's hard, Hard, Much harder to do comedy outdoors?

[Pete Holmes]

Completely.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no. There's no intimacy. There's no stakes. And it sucks to have to like, bark people down and be like, hi, I'm from Conan. Like, you just feel like a schmuck.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's just their. Their attention is scattered and. And it's. Yeah, it's very, very different with birds.

[Pete Holmes]

And clouds, the stuff of daydream. And you're like, think about me. So that died. And then I remember one thing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

We.

[Pete Holmes]

We interviewed a robot. I don't know if you inter interviewed this robot. It's a. It's a Talk about Batman bust. It's a bust of a black. Of a black woman. And she has, like, what we have for artificial intelligence. And I interviewed her.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, I didn't interview her.

[Pete Holmes]

You should be glad. My head hurt for three days after.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Why?

[Pete Holmes]

Because of the. Of the literal mind fuck of talking to a robot.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, I see.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, if you can imagine. Like, I can't do an impression of me because I am human. But I was like, how are you? And she's like, I am fine. What is up with you?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I'm like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, not much. I'm good. Today is Wednesday. And you're like, why did he say that? And all my circuits started crossing. And I literally had a headache for three days. Couldn't watch the segment that never aired.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, well. Yeah, some things just don't work. And I had one that I did about a year ago, not even that long ago, where it was very elaborate. I had this idea that I would be a security guard for the show. And then I would go out and stand in front of the building. It comes. Cause people ask the security guards questions all the time, and most of the questions are about me. So I would be out there, and I had this big fat suit on, and there was a lot of latex. It took hours to put this thing on. And about 10 minutes into it, I realized, this is not going to work. We're not gonna use one minute of this. I have no feel for whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing here. People know I'm not. What made me think people were gonna think I was a real human being? I look like a trick or treater.

[Pete Holmes]

Look like Robert Durst dressed as a woman.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Like, even if they believed I was a real person, that would mean that they were crazy. So it's like, it was ridiculous.

[Pete Holmes]

So now we have footage of a.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Lunatic talking to you, but I have to go. You know, I have to shoot several hours because it cost a fortune to make this suit, and it took forever for me to get into this thing, and I can't. And I know I just should have bagged it and said, forget about it, but I didn't want to set that example for the staff. You know, I just. And so I just went out there, and at a certain point, I just laid on the ground in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard and let people walk past me. And I thought, well, maybe something funny will happen here. If I lay on the ground and nothing funny happened, I just laid on the ground. But at least I was laying down. You know, I do. I will gravitate towards. If a bit is written in which I'm in bed, I will say yes to it because that means I can just lay down in bed. And, you know, a lot of the things I will. The conditions, like, you see certain movies that are filmed, like a movie made in Hawaii with a whole bunch of fun people and you know exactly what happened there. It's like, hey, this would be fun. We'll go to Hawaii. Yeah. As if anything good has ever been made in Hawaii.

[Pete Holmes]

As Seinfeld said, nothing funny was on the beach. There you go.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, that's true. That's. Yeah, that's a good point.

[Pete Holmes]

And that goes back to your point. Outside.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Outside is no good. Stay indoors. That's a great. That's the best message for young people.

[Pete Holmes]

Stay indoors.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Stay indoors.

[Pete Holmes]

That's absolutely right. You were telling me something interesting you. About Letterman. You get the feeling that he didn't want to go. I thought that was interesting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I did get the feel. Well, I think he gave that feeling. I mean, it was. I think in the interviews that he did, you know, he suddenly seemed like. I think maybe it was one of those things where. I think it was one of those things where it was a year and a half in advance. And he said, yeah, I'll go in a year and a half and I'll probably be ready then. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he nailed the bacon.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

He did it, too. He ate the bacon.

[Pete Holmes]

He ate the year bacon. Oh, my God. We need to make a new term. Oh, man. Letterman ate the bacon on that one.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. He got talk show trichinosis is what happened.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a weird. This podcast is called you made it weird. So I'm supposed to ask you, like, strange questions.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Is the idea.

[Pete Holmes]

And here's a strange one for you. And feel free to be like, that's ridiculous. Let's not even talk about that. But you. One of the things that I thought was interesting when I listened to your podcast with Marin and you've talked about this many times, is that you were obsessed with late night.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You had a vanity plate that said late night. You. Back in these days. It was. It was fun to find another late night fan. It wasn't as rampant as it is these days. And then you ended up becoming a talk show host. Do you think. Feel free. Do you think there was anything. What was that? Were you setting an intention on the. On a very base level, something deep in your subconscious? Were you setting a goal? Nothing mystical about that. Did you know where you were headed? Did you know what you wanted? Or do you think stars did align? Was there something kind of set in motion? That's. Do you ever feel that way?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

No, I don't. I mean, I never set out to be. I never imagined myself being a late night talk show host. I never imagined anyone being a late night talk show host other than Johnny Carson and David Letterman. I just didn't think like that. And it's funny because I knew the names of every writer on the show on Late Night with David Letterman. I knew them by face when they were in a sketch, sitting in the audience, whatever. I knew if it was, you know, Jeff Martin or Sandy Frank or Steve o'. Donnell. But it never occurred to me that, oh, maybe one day you, you might want to be a writer for, for this show. Because that occurred to you. That didn't even. Writer didn't. I just thought, oh well, they're the writers. People are much, you know, your generation is much different. I, you know, that never ever occurred to me.

[Pete Holmes]

That'll be me one day.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's all us that I could. That's somehow, you know, that they'd even like. It never occurred to me there was turn staff, you know, and I think really the reason that I wound up with the show is because just by chance, just by my background in radio and then doing cable television shows and doing. I did football picks on Fox NFL Sunday just because I knew so much about late night television from watching it and from reading about it, that I was very good. In the meeting with ABC where we talked about late night television, they're like, this guy knows you know everything.

[Pete Holmes]

Run the show. You can run your own show. And you knew you were talking about.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I knew what I was talking about. With that said, I didn't even know I was there for an interview. I didn't know I was there for an. I didn't know they were looking for a late night talk show. I was there because they wanted to pitch me. They told me I was there because they wanted to pitch me a variety show on third to air on Thursday nights at 10 o'. Clock. Oh my God. And I told my agent, well, I'm not, I don't want to do that. You know, the one thing I've done right consistently is turn bad ideas down. You know, rarely do I find myself in a situation where I'm doing something that I knew was a mistake going in.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm really eating the bacon on this and this.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, well, except for that. I mean, I mean, you haven't eaten career bacon.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, you've been good.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And so. And I turned down a bunch of things. And I said, I don't want to have this meeting. I don't want to waste their time. I know they're busy and I don't want to sit there and pretend I'm considering this. And my agent's like, listen, it's the president of abc. This is not some develop. You have to go meet with him if he wants to meet with you. So I did, and we just talked about Letterman the whole time and we talked about late night television. And then the next day they offered me the show. I didn't even know I was there interviewing for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Very, very similar with me, different again. I always want to belittle the show. It wasn't the same thing. But we had meetings. I had a meeting with Conan, had a meeting with the network, all these things. And then I was like, no one.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Told you that that's what you were gonna do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. There was no ruse of a Thursday night 10 o' clock sketcher.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So they got it in their head that they wanted you to do a.

[Pete Holmes]

Talk show because then it's easier to let it go. Like, you have the meeting and I'm like, what's up, idiots? Like moonwalking in the office. And they're like, we just wanted to pitch you a 10 o' clock show. Let us know. But it, you know, apparently. And all we did was talk about late night, too. We talked about late night and we talked about being from Boston.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Isn't that something? Yeah. And it's. I guess that's the way to do it. Yeah. Because then you don't have to break somebody's heart, Right? Exactly. Perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what? That actually, and I'm not forcing this. It kind of reminds me of Leno, Leno's weird work ethic.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Jay Leno.

[Pete Holmes]

Jay Leno, Alen Leno.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's called communicating. You have to let the listeners in on what you're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

The idea that he always worked harder than the next guy. He had this story. And we all have mixed feelings about Leno, but the idea that he'd be in a line for some sort of open call, someone would leave the line and he'd be like, yeah, move forward without even doing anything. So here you are learning everything you can learn for the passion of it. But then that kind of hard work paying out. Not in a Machiavellian sense, but like, it helped you out that you had kind of prepared in this way.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, well, for me, I don't know if it's a work ethic as much. It is pure anxiety and pure fear and just really, just dreading the silence and just really suffering when things go badly and wanting to know that even if things did go badly, that I was prepared and I'd done my homework and I was, I'd done everything that I could do. I mean, that helps to relieve some of my anxiety.

[Pete Holmes]

In general, are you an anxious guy?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you drink coffee?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I do, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Interesting. Sometimes with anxious people, I'm like, do you need anything to get your heart going or is it just general?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

But it's funny. I do drink coffee, but I've always been very anxious and I didn't drink coffee until probably 13 years ago.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. It wasn't like I was diagnosing your anxiety. But sometimes I'm so anxious, I look at people drinking coffee and I'm like, like, why do you need to perk up? Like, I'm always just kind of like.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, what kind of anxiety do you have? Like, where does it come.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's a lot. It's a, it's way better than it used to be. But when I was, you know, young, it was just generalized. Like, will. A lot of it was like the drive of trying to get into comedy. It's never going to happen.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Or like, what about when you're a kid? Were you scared of adults?

[Pete Holmes]

Terrified.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Me too. Yeah. I feel like kids now aren't scared of adults anymore. It's like coyotes, you know, it's like, unless you like shoot them with a paintball gun, they won't. They're going to get closer and closer. Eventually they're going to eat your bunny rabbit. But kids are just like, yeah, what are you doing? It's like, what? Yeah, like if you meet a kid that behaves like I did when I was a kid, you think, oh, there's something wrong with that kid.

[Pete Holmes]

That's really funny. When my parents would argue not to overshare. But that's where a lot of my need to salve situations and entertainment stuff, it was like Greek gods fighting. It was like Thor.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

It might not have even been that bad. I'm not sure. I honestly don't remember. But it was just grown ups. That's also part of why I was religious was grown ups told me things. They were like, well, you go to hell. I was like, yes, sir. You know what I mean? Like this giant man with a mustache, his hair on his face.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I was an altar boy for Seven years. And, you know, I had. I luckily had my main priest throughout my life, was a. Is a great guy, and he's still a very good friend of mine. And he was. He's a really good, like a liberal priest, you know, like, not a judgmental person and, you know, that supports gays and, you know, is he Franciscan, isn't gay? No, he's not Franciscan, actually. But I do know some Franciscan priests. But I did have other priests who were very, very, very scary. And it was almost like they were trying to be scary and mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. It's funny when you kind of go back and review and go, oh, this is supposed to be. Be the. You know, we're supposed to be behaving like Jesus, and instead everyone's mean and petty and weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Scare thy neighbor.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, that's the golden rule. Yeah. And it's funny. Yeah. I remember a certain priest that I was so, so scared of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I remember being scared to. My hair was a mess, and there was a comb back in the sacristy, and I wanted to run it through my hair because there was a mirror there. But I was so paralyzed, and I rem combing my hair and fearing that Father Art would come through that door. And I don't know what I thought he would do to me for using whoever's comb that was, but I was scared. I was really scared of this tiny little man with a German accent.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you think that did to you?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't know. Nothing good.

[Pete Holmes]

Where did the. It's an obvious question, but I think it's a fun one. Is like, where did for you, the need come to entertain? And it. Was it, like, getting rid of some of this anxiety? Was it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't know. I might. You know, I just. It's. It just gives me pleasure to. You know, when I was in class, you know, you make a joke and. And everyone laughs, and it's just a great feeling.

[Pete Holmes]

I completely agree.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. I remember the first therapist I saw. He was like, peter, try and get in touch with the part of you that needs to perform. I was like, what a hack. I remember really thinking that I was like, what a hack. I never saw him again. Again. But now the older I get, I'm like, there is something to be said about, like, I was trying to get attention from certain places and not necessarily getting it and then getting it from strangers felt really, really good. It still feels really, really good.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Of course it does. My mom was funny. My. My mom is funny, and she was the class wit in her high school. And my grandfather is one of the funniest people, maybe the funniest person I've ever known. I mean, he was just always, always funny at all times. And he could be funny without saying anything. I mean, at his. One of his birthdays, he was 80 years old or something, they bring a cake out. It's got 80 candles on. It took them, like, 45 minutes to light them all. And the cake comes out. And unbeknownst to everyone at the table, he's dipped his hands in a plate of water underneath the table. And when the cake comes, instead of blowing the candles out, he had these giant hands. He puts them out with his hands, which of course, results in my mother and my aunt all screaming at him.

[Pete Holmes]

What the hell is wrong with you?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know, whatever. And I was the only one that got it and saw that he was, you know, fucking around. And I was in tears. I was laughing so hard. And everyone is yelling at him now. I mean, like, the whole family is screaming at him. He's turned what should have been a lovely moment into a moment of everyone yelling at him. Except I'm laughing at, and I'm cracking up. And he leans over and he sees me laughing. He goes, take me to the hospital.

[Pete Holmes]

Is there something. It seems like a big part of your sense of humor is this pushing towards, like, why are we taking this all so seriously?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I like reactions, too. Well, that is part of it for sure, but to me, I just love reactions. I love when. One of my favorite things is when. When you tell somebody, like, I'll tell you guys, oh, wait till you meet this person, this guy. He'll go right to the craft service table, and he will not stop eating the whole time he's here. And then the guy walks in, and the guy goes right to the craft service table, and he starts eating. And that makes me laugh hysterically. It's like the opposite. You know, comedy's supposed to be based on surprise, but it's the predictability is what kills me. That's people who deliver when you. You know, I love that.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought for sure you were gonna twist it in some way. Just consistent delivery.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

When they do what I think they're going to do, it makes me laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

That makes me so happy when people walk in there.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I mean, there was. When I was in college in Vegas, there was a big glass window in kind of the entryway of this building I had class in, and I saw a couple of different people walk into this glass because the glass is very Clean. And it looked you were just walking outside. And so I would then spend all of my free time between classes sitting there waiting and watching for people to walk into the glass. And every single time, it made me die laughing. Every single time.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so funny. That was one of the hardest times I've ever laughed in my life, actually. I was at a Taco Bell in Burlington, Massachusetts, and I was leaving with my friend and this big biker guy. Huge. We had noticed that one of the doors was locked, like, permanently locked. Big bar push that you pushed to go in, so of course you're gonna push it. And people were bumping into it kind of slow. And this guy wanted his Double Decker burrito so badly. And I was walking out, and he was walking in. And this is a biker. He had, like, a leather vest, neck tattoo, big beard, scary guy. And he was in a huff and slammed into it. Like, his face hit the glass a little bit. And I was, like, 15, so I just didn't. I didn't know better, I guess, or I did, and I just laughed. Sword in his face. Like, in his face.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And you never forget those moments.

[Pete Holmes]

I will never forget it. My friend was so afraid for my life that this guy was gonna, like, hurt me. I don't remember him even getting mad.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

People getting mad, too. There was this. We went to this Halloween party at our church. This is me and my best friend, who's now the band leader on my show, Clean. And we were probably 14 and 13 years old. And weird. I always was a werewolf because I never, like, had a costume. So I just wear a flannel shirt and mess my hair up and paint my face kind of brown. And so I was a werewolf. And I don't know what the hell he was, but there was a guy, and this is in the 70s, you know, there was a guy with a great Darth Vader costume. And I'd never seen a person in the wild with a Darth Vader costume. It was probably like, 78 or something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, not that long after they came out, this guy jumped on him.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Darth Vader was still scary then. It was like, you know, like, I had a moment of fear when I saw Darth Vader. And this was a big guy, a big scary guy and a Darth Vader. But Darth Vader also. I was suffering from diarrhea that night. And every time he kept going to the bathroom, and every time he went to the bathroom, my friend Cleto, who is really, like, the pranks, he really was the Bad one would go in. He'd wait till he got in the stall and got settled and he turned the lights off so it was pitch black in the bathroom. And this guy was like, hey, who the hell is that? And Darth Vader was screaming at us and we were. And we did it over and over again. And he would look around before he went into the bathroom. And we started to get sense maybe he was waiting in the doorway for us. So we delayed our entry and it was just fucking hysterical over and over again. There's nothing funnier than making somebody mad for a dumb reason.

[Pete Holmes]

I think my favorite detail of that is Darth Vader was still scary. Cuz he is.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

He was scary at the time.

[Pete Holmes]

A weird black skull face.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Now we've seen his, his old fat head and, and, and he's Luke's father and stuff and we don't think of it that way, but there was a time when he was scary.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Now he's been, you know, they have videos online where he's in the supermarket and stuff. They've kind of ruined it, you know, I don't think kids understand that anymore because they've seen like Chad Vader and they're like, oh, that's funny. And then like, how scared are you going to be of Darth Vader when you finally get to see that movie? Not today. Taking the cape down so he could shit.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember being in New York City, I used to hand out flyers for stage time, right? And it would be winter and you're cold, so you'd wear like 20 layers. And then you'd have to take a. And you'd go in and it would be a production. You'd be sweating. By the time an asshole made an appearance, you were sweating and you'd lay, you'd lay down, you'd sit down on the toilet and then immediately someone would knock on the one seater. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. The easiest, most intuitive, and I'd even say fun all in one website platform that helps you stand out, out and succeed online. Whether you're starting a business, sharing your art, or just need a place to say, hi, it's me, Gary. Squarespace makes it easy to claim your domain, build a beautiful site, and even get paid all in one place. What I love is it actually looks good right out of the gate. Obviously that's super important for a website and you don't have to be a designer to make something that feels pro with their blueprint AI feature. It will build a custom website website for you, you just tell it what you want in plain English and a little bit about your vibe and it generates polished pages, great copy and design ideas in seconds. Then you can tweak everything with a simple drag and drop editor just like your website is sitting right in front of you on a table. Or you can choose from tons of award winning templates if you want to start from scratch. So whether you're selling merch, posting tour dates like me, or just showing off your work work, Squarespace gives you all the tools you need. No coding required. Head to squarespace.com weird for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use Offer Code weird to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com weird a hole, balloon knot, fart box, stink, wrinkle. They're only dirty words if you wipe because you need to up your butthole game with a tushy bidet. We did and I absolutely love it. There's a there's no going back. You feel so much cleaner. Think about it. If you got poop on your hand, would you just wipe it off with a little piece of paper? No, you'd power wash it off like your neighbor blasting leaves off his driveway. And that's what Tushy does. Except the leaves are poop and the hose is your toilet seat. It's easy, it's comfortable and leaves you actually clean. Tushy is the everyday luxury bidet that upgrades your bathroom and your life. The Tushy Waves installs in about 10 minutes. No plumber, no nonsense and gives you a modern sleek seat with front and rear rear nozzles for a more complete clean. It's gentle, soothing and uses nothing but fresh water, which means less irritation, less TP and a way happier butt. In fact, Tushy users use up to 80% less toilet paper, which is better for you, your pipes and the planet. So remember, a hole is only a dirty word if you wipe for a limited time. You can get 10% off your first SP today when you go to hellotushy.com and use promo Code Weird at checkout. Support your butt. Support the show. HelloTushy.com promo code weird for 10 off I'm so excited to tell you guys about modern mammals. The only shampoo that I use, and it's the only shampoo that I've ever loved because it gives your hair not a fluffed out, fried out consistency, but kind of the consistency of like you just were at the the beach. You were swimming in the ocean it's got a little bit of hold. It's almost like a dry shampoo in the sense that you don't need to put product in it afterwards. It's not all fluffy like a bale of hay. It actually looks styled. It has flow, and it's all in one good place right after you wash it, which is unheard of. For years, I just wouldn't use shampoo. My hair stylist cat was like, pete, your hair is disgusting. It's like a grease trap at an Arby's. And then I discovered modern male animals, and now we're both so much happier. Your hair still maintains the natural oil it needs to look amazing in seconds. And it's clean. It's fantastic. Get that hair flow. Over 40, 000 guys have switched. You should see the reviews for this product. People lose their mind, and it's a small punk rock company. I love the people I work with over there. And we need to get the word out. There's so many guys that hate shampoo. And modern mammals is the answer. Answer. There's the mud, which is like a shampoo. And there's the bar for daily maintenance. You can try both when you go to modernmammals.com weird for 44 bucks, and that will last you a really, really long time. Modernmammals.com Weird here's another weird one for you. I'm trying to think of some questions that other people wouldn't have asked. Isn't there some sort of parallel? You got divorced. I'm also divorced. Letterman got divorced.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he dated his. His head writer.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you got divorced, and then you're married to your head writer.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's funny because what's going on here at that time when it's like you're.

[Pete Holmes]

The reincarnation of Letterman while he's still alive.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'm trying to get a gap put between my teeth. I'm David Letterman without the respect or achievements. Yeah, it is a little weird. And people. Yeah, it's strange. And, yeah, people kind of like made note of that and they love to, you know, they love to grab onto something like that and make a big deal out of it. But, you know, people meet at work. It's just how it goes.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand. I. My wife left me for a small Italian man named Rocco. Are you. I'm sure you've talked for real. Yeah, I think that's funny. It was eight years ago.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Okay, all right.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. It was eight years ago.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

How small was he?

[Pete Holmes]

I Just say small. I'm six. Six. So everybody's small to me. Right. Probably average. But it's funny to say he was small. He wasn't a very tall guy. He was very muscular. I remember feeling very insecure about that because my wife left me for, like, a really muscular. Like a man's guy. I bet he can drive a stick, you know?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, probably.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm over here soft and making grilled cheese. Probably.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What? Yeah, but he's probably. Well, I don't want to speculate on Rocco. I mean, I was just trying to make you feel better.

[Pete Holmes]

But people always guessed, and they still do. They go, was it your career? It must have been your career. It must have been that you were touring too much much. Or that you be. And I was like, that's practically open micing at that point. It's not even that. Do you get that as well? Where people like, oh, your career stop blowing up and your wife gets a little bored at home.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. No, yeah, I know. People kind of assume that you. Because for us, it was very. Really very practical. It was like we finally had enough money to get divorced. No. Really? Yeah, because we never really got along. I mean, from the beginning, we never got along. Well, she never. She did not like me. And the alternative to being married was, you know, listen, I was making $20,000, and then. And after a little while, we had two kids.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And so. Which, by the way, is something that can extend a marriage because you start focusing on the children and. And they're fun, and, you know, that's. That becomes like something you have in common, and it can. It can extend a marriage for a long. You know, I was married for almost 15 years. Oh, my God. And. And. But, you know, really, for us or for me, anyway, I don't. I don't want to say what. What she thought, but I knew that if. If we got divorced, I'd have to be living on someone's couch somewhere, you know, and there would be no place for my kids to sleep.

[Pete Holmes]

That's interesting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So.

[Pete Holmes]

So there was a practical element to it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There waited, and then it came together. What made it come together?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What, the divorce?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I mean, what gave you the money? Was it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, doing well? I got a raise at the radio station I worked. Worked at, and then doing Win Ben Signs Money and the man show, and I finally accumulated a little bit of money.

[Pete Holmes]

So she was around for that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She was, yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Interesting. Are you still in touch? I haven't talked.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, we are. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's great.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She sent me bacon for Father's Day.

[Pete Holmes]

Did she nail it to anything? We'll be right back.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's called a boom jingle in radio.

[Pete Holmes]

A boom jingle?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Boom jingle. You come in with the big line, they go into the jingle. Boom jingle.

[Pete Holmes]

Boom jingle.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Boom jingle. That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

We should have hit the jingle at that moment.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That was my job at KROQ because I was the sports guy and a character on the show. And Kevin and Bean. If I felt it had been, it'd be. It was going too long. I'd be out in the hall listening to the show. Show. I'd walk in and say something funny so they could go to the commercial.

[Pete Holmes]

So you could be the boom jingle.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'd be the boom jingle.

[Pete Holmes]

That's fantastic. I. You just. We need to nail this up just in case you are gonna go. I. I could listen to you tell stories that make you laugh all day. I've been crying the half this time. But we always talk about the meaning of life, and you can interpret that however you want. Dan knows this. Dan knows I. Did you warn him? Not warn him.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

The meaning of life, but, I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you were raised Catholic. You're still Catholic.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I am. I had my daughter baptized on Sunday or Saturday, as a matter of fact now.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, well, let's start with that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And my wife was immediately. She regretted it immediately when the Pope said that women can't be priests. Really? Yeah. She's. She doesn't like that. But I, I, you know, listen, I don't agree with everything, but I think that. That, for me, it was kind of a good foundation of at least, like, kind of learning to be a good person. And I don't think. I think you have your. You can choose what you want to do when you get older, but I think if you never. If you aren't introduced to that at a young age, the odds that you will ever go back to it are very, very slim.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's really interesting. Speaking of Franciscans, I mentioned Franciscans earlier. The only reason I know what Franciscans are, because I was raised Protestant, is because Richard Rohrer, who's a friar, did this podcast, and he was talking about that very thing about raising people in some sort of structure that you may not necessarily literally believe in, but believe in some sort of essence or spirit or foundation to it that they can. It's, like, built into it to deconstruct later and then return to something on their own terms. Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I mean, if you boil it down, and I don't want to get like, too serious or religious or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

But we can talk about people slipping after this.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Just. I mean, listen, there's. Jesus summed it up and said, love one another. And that's it. That's all there is to it. And all the other stuff is stuff that people, you know, and everybody said this. This is nothing. Not an original thought, but it's all red tape and hoops and nonsense.

[Pete Holmes]

But what are we doing? What are we doing here? What is this?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

What are we doing right now? No, no, no. We're in a comic book store. We're doing a podcast, talking about Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, like, do you accept reality or do you ever just kind of.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Go, like, I reject. Get it? I'm gonna fly out the window my way out.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand there's physics and laws and science, and we're carbon and we're these things, but, like, what is going on here? Why is there life? What is the meaning for you? I'll tell you what Richard Rohr said. He said, it's to humbly and proudly return what you've been given. So there's some sort of call to what is your path? What is your purpose? And then following that gives life some sort of meaning.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, I think that's a very good answer. And I think that. That, you know, when you meet people like that, you can't help but wonder, like, what would the world be like if everyone had this philosophy? If everyone thought that way and people took care of each other and even just recycled and, you know, like, you know, didn't take a shower for 13 minutes without thinking about the effects of that, and, you know, we're all guilty of this stuff. I mean, you know, I drive a car that runs on gas, and, you know, it makes you feel better if you get, you know, if you have a Prius or something like that. Those are all good things, but, you know, to be really hardcore about it, like, Ed Begley Jr. Is a guy that always impressed me. I mean, this is a guy who, you know, rarely even flushes when he shits. You know, he looks too mellow. And, you know, he will. He will, like, use a computer well, well past its practical time period. You know, it'll be 30 years old, and he's still got a 14.4 modem or something. And he's like, well, you know, this one still works. So I add to the landfill, and you go, okay, asshole, I'm getting a new MacBook. But I can't help but envy those people because I do think they're better than I am.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And for me, I think. I don't know what the reason for life is, but I think there's a song that I love that James Taylor sings called the Secret of Life. And there's one line in it. The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time. And that is something that eludes me in general. I mean, not that I never enjoy myself, but that being able to do that and to be in the moment and to enjoy the passing of time without, like focusing on something that's ahead or getting through this and whatever. That's hard for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, I think that's hard. That's certainly hard for me. We talk about that a lot on this podcast. The idea of, of. Of being present and trying to enjoy the moment because it's all you have. But, you know, I think a lot of high functioning. You're certainly high functioning people are off often projecting themselves into the future. What am I going to do? Maybe even on the ride over you, like, this podcast is going to go this way or this segment or this guest or whatever it is you're thinking about. And that's what makes you funnier and better and sharper.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's funny too, because when, like for instance, now I feel like I am in the moment and I'm enjoying speaking to you and have a conversation. And I wonder if part of that isn't that I know we're making something right now that's going to be heard in the future.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny because I was gonna, I was just gonna. We hit it off when I met you at Largo, and I was just gonna ask if you wanted to get drinks or dinner or something. And then I was like, it's better doing the podcast. It's just better. Like you feel this undercurrent of. And then this will exist.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, though, you know, I mean, we could go, you know, we could go out dancing or we could do whatever you want. Do people still bowl? We could do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. People bowl. There's a Lucky Lucky Strike on Hollywood.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. That's not real bowling, though.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like we'll have them turn the lights on.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Some sort of space bowling.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me ask you this because it's a weird one. What do you think happens when you die? Do you worry about that?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, I feel like I'm smart enough to know that I don't know what happens when we die. If I had to guess, I feel like, do I believe in heaven or hell? I feel like I have to believe that there's some version of that, that if you're a positive force, that your energy goes on to be part of some kind of symphony or something and you just kind of buzz through the rest of eternity or something. And I hate to think that it's just over, but I also, I don't worry about it too much because I know that if it is just over, over, it's just over.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I also think there's something wrong with like being a good person so that you'll be rewarded for it in the future.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I think that kind of defeats the purpose in a way. You know, if there is a God, there's no, you're not going to pull one over on him.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I think that's so funny that that was one of the first things when I, you know, when I was starting out, I really identified as a Christian and I'm doing comedy and then I would make these jokes that involved God or involved Jesus in some way in some very silly, very tame way that you or I would not bat an eye at. And I remember people being at my weird Christian college being offended by that. And I remember I'd had to be like, I have to think if God made me and made everything, he has to know I'm kidding.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I feel the same way.

[Pete Holmes]

He has to know I'm kidding.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

When I was a kid, I drew a picture of God. My mother asked me to draw a picture of God and I drew a picture of an old man in a sweatshirt with a G on it. A big like college style G on it. And yeah, of course you have to believe. I mean, everybody has their own version of God and Jesus and for us, he's got a sense of humor. He must have a sense of humor.

[Pete Holmes]

But that goes with the all knowing thing. If we are going to talk about some sort of omnipotent lifeguard God that knows everything, he also knows that you're kidding.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes, exactly. And appreciates it and appreciates us sharing our gifts.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And that's a silly thing, I think, kind of a. I don't know, maybe people just don't understand or whatever. But this idea that if you use God's name in any kind of, you know, for comedy in any way, that it's somehow disrespectful or right. I don't agree with that at all. I really, I just don't. I know how I feel and, you know, I know what my, you know, my intentions are and what, you know, what lurks beneath and I know when I'm doing something to be an asshole. I know when I'm doing something to upset somebody and. And it's. That's never the case. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's interesting. Do you ha. You know, it's funny. I was watching Ex Machina. Did you watch?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I haven't seen it yet. I'm dying to see it though. Really good. It's one of those movies though. I, you know, I would never see a movie without my wife really. Unless it's for work and having a hard time rallying her for that one.

[Pete Holmes]

I just watch it with my girlfriend if it's any. If it, if it greases. She liked it, but she really loved it. Yeah, Yeah, I think it's. Yeah, it's got something for everybody. I don't mean to make that so obvious like it's a masculine movie or feminine movie. Everybody will enjoy it. Why did I bring that up? Ex Machina. Oh, she asks him.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not a spoiler. She can kind of like tell when people are lying because she's a robot. And she's like, oh, you're projecting like discomfort, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, are you a good person? And he's like, he gets all weird about it. And obviously, you know, my way of participating with the film ozone. I'm like, what would I say? Then I started thinking about the things that I regret. It's all like relationships and dating and that's the stuff. If a girl gets involved, that's when I'm like, was I the right guy?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Capital R, capital G. Did you treat her properly?

[Pete Holmes]

That sort of stuff.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Do you have a thing where when you break up with somebody you feel like you're doing the worst possible thing to them? Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, because I was going to.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Ask you, how are they going to live without me? Me?

[Pete Holmes]

I know the arrogance of that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's so arrogant.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's funny. That's one of my big regrets was breaking up with a long term girlfriend over the phone. And that's actually what I was just thinking about when I said sex relationships. I was thinking about breaking up with.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

This girl on the phone. So it's funny that. But nowadays though, you know, because it used to be, can you believe he broke up with me over the phone? And now the phone has been replaced by text messages. So as long as you didn't text that person, the phone is almost like Phone is very. Taking them away for the weekend now to let them down even easily.

[Pete Holmes]

No one will relate. When I'm an Old man. And I'm like, I broke up with.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

A girl over the phone.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, well, good man.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You're a bigger man than I am.

[Pete Holmes]

What if I ask you if you're a good person? Do you have. What kind of. What are the areas that make you feel guilty?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I feel like I should give more of my money to people. You know, I feel. You know, I mean, I really. I. And of course, I would never do this. This. But I feel like I should give all of my money away. And that's very Catholic. Yeah, it's a very Catholic thing. Right? To think. And. And I do feel very guilty about. You know, sometimes you go like, wow, this is a lot of money to spend on something. And then you drive by somebody and then, you know they don't have shoes. Right. And so that. I think I would say that that's probably, you know, that's probably. Probably the top one.

[Pete Holmes]

How do. How do you find. How do you. How are you doing with money and. And fame? Like, how does that suit you? Have you ever heard Letterman's quote about fame? Did you ever hear this?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't know. You did.

[Pete Holmes]

It was on Charlie Rose. He goes, how do you like fame? He goes, I love it. I love being famous. It turns the world into a small town. He's like. Everybody's like, hey, Dave, how are you? And he's like, hello. You know what I mean? I. I was shocked that he said that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Yeah. That doesn't seem like him. Although I think for me, the part I. That is the part I do like about it because. Because I am generally very shy. And I mean, I will not. Like, I failed a test in college because I was too shy to ask someone if I could borrow a pencil. So I took a zero on it. That's how shy I am. And especially, you know, reluctant to ask people for things. And the idea that that ice is broken with almost everyone I meet is a great relief for me. It really is. Now, of course, sometimes it's too much, and you're like, could you just leave me alone? You know, I'm trying to eat. Eat. Or something like that. Or I'm in the middle of a serious conversation and you want to take a picture, you know, and of course there's that, but. But I do like. I do like that part about it. I love being able to get a reservation at a restaurant almost anytime I. I want to. And do you call yourself. Yes, I will call myself. And I have, on occasion, pretended to be my own assistant.

[Pete Holmes]

So how does that go. You go like, we're all booked up. You. And you're like, the name's Kimmel.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yes. Well, you know what my other move is? I pretend to know the hostess as if we've met before. And there is a chance. I do. If it's a restaurant I go to regularly. I go, hey, it's Jimmy Kimmel. I was. You know, we're gonna come in. I was wondering if you have a table for four or whatever. And it's like, hold on. And then the worst part is when they're like, no, we don't have anything till, like, 9:45. She's like, you motherfucker. You've taken everything from me in that moment. You're very miserable. Who do you think you are?

[Pete Holmes]

You hear Jimmy Fallon laughing in the background.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I bet Jimmy Fallon would get a table. You wouldn't do this to him.

[Pete Holmes]

And, yeah, then also the ice being broken with other people. And what about the. The money thing?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, that's the greatest. I mean, it really is. I don't want to. I don't want to pretend that it's anything other than it, but I distinctly remember many, many times in my life going to the ATM and praying I would have more than $20 in my account so that I could have lunch. And 1689 would be in there. And it's like, I can't get any money. I can't get any money out. I have no money. Right? And that happened to me over a long period of time. Not a short period of time. It wasn't just when I was in high school and college. It went till I was in my, like, you know, early 30s. And. And that. That is a cause of great anxiety for me. So that it has definitely relieved a lot of my anxiety.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's a way to. I feel like there's two types of rich people there. The rich people that are always obsessing and thinking about money and talking about money. And then the people that use their wealth as a means to not really think or talk or invest, literally, not. Not financially, but invest in their.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'm all over the place. I mean, like, I will. I've picked up the last 85 dinner checks in a row, and yet I will go to Costco on the weekend and stock up, because I know that. That, you know, that a bag of oranges is going to be $4 cheaper than if I'd buy them individually. Like, I hate to buy limes at the supermarket. I feel like. I feel like it's against everything I Believe when I know I can go to Costco and for $4, get a whole bag, a whole netted bag of so many limes, I'll never even think about using them. I just want them.

[Pete Holmes]

A sack of limes?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, a sack of limes. Limes are probably my number one item that I obsess on. His limes are now like a dollar at the store, you know, like two or three for a dollar. And they're not even the big limes, they're little limes. And it makes me crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

You just need a neighbor with a lime tree. That's all you need.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Do you know they don't have lemons in Mexico? Come again? This is not like my Eskimos with the diapers thing either. I. Well, in the parts of Mexico I've spent some time in, you know, I like to cook when we're, like, renting a house or something like that. And there are recipes for which I need lemons, not lime.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And you. I went to six supermarkets, and they were like, what you want? What? And like the. You know. No, I was like, no, no, no, no, no. The yellow ones. The yellow ones, their version of lemon is a. Is an unripe lime, you know, not the same thing. Isn't that crazy?

[Pete Holmes]

That is crazy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You'd think lemons would be, like, in the top five most prevalent things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, everywhere.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Not the case everywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

They have lime.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Not in Mohico.

[Pete Holmes]

They have. Also when I was in South America, not the same as Mexico at all, but when I was in South America, no decaf.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to order decaf coffee in Spanish. So we're saying, like, sin caffeine, Sin caffeine. They were like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's funny because that's probably where most of the decaf coffee comes from, but they're probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, they're growing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

We're sending this to those assholes.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a strange thing that I caught myself thinking. You're doing your shit shopping. One of the guys from Mad Men, Vincent, he plays Peter or whatever, right? I remember I asked him to do my. My talk show, and he was like, no, I won't. Because he didn't want to get stopped on the street. He didn't want to be, like, a famous person. And he said that somebody told him the way to not have that not happen was never do late night, because that's how you come into people.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's probably some celebrity who can't get booked on the shows. So you know what? I never do late Night. And I'll tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're. You're in people's homes every day, four nights a week.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, five. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, five nights a week. Excuse me. So you have this, this recognizability. So the idea of you going, even you coming here. That's why I emailed you the picture of the stairs. I was like, I gotta give him a route in quickly. I have to imagine that people are constantly bothering you. Is that the case?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I wouldn't say bothering me. And people do. You know, people recognize me pretty much everywhere unless I'm. I. I do have a certain look that is so hobo esque that no one would ever. And I'm sometimes startled when people like see through my. I go, whoa. What you know is I have a hat on and glasses and I haven't shaved and I'm wearing, you know, like shorts from 1985. And you know, just, I'm a. I look like a disaster. But yeah, people. Yeah, people do. And I also think that people, people assume that I am approachable, which I in general am. And I'll always take a picture. I mean, unless I'm running to a plane, you know, I'll always take a picture. Right, sure. Which is, you know, sometimes a bum. Sometimes a bummer for people who are with me, you know? Right, sure. My kids are with me or something. It's like I try to do it fast and, you know, nobody can use their. Nobody use their goddamn phones.

[Pete Holmes]

I've had so many phones die the moment they're taking the pictures. That's never happened to me in their mind. Life charge your phone.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I know. Yeah. Well, I'm obsessive about charging things. Are you? Oh, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, I just got an electric car and the guy's like, okay, you know, if the charge gets below 20%, I'm like, the charge will never get below 20%. Because I am the guy who goes around plugging in other people's phones. I'll plug in other people's iPads. I am completely obsessed with charging. Last night on Amazon At 1 o' clock in the morning, I ordered six iPhone docs box to make sure I have lightning plugs on every nightstand in my house. I'm crazy about it. I'm really.

[Pete Holmes]

Where does this come from?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Anxiety. I think that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the phone I remember that was the, the golden age of anxiety was pre cell phone because it's like, what if, what if I'm lost? Like, that was a big. Now I'm remembering that was not knowing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Where I was going, that was an age of terror and tears, really. It was what it was. I mean, I. My mom dropped me off at the airport in Phoenix to fly to San Diego for a job interview, and I'd been out of work for quite a while.

[Pete Holmes]

Again, I laugh at you being fired.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And apparently, what wound up happening is I got there, and then I got to the radio station, and the guy couldn't do it. And I went back home right away. And anyway, my mom was on the wrong level waiting for me. I was on arrival, she was on departure, and I couldn't find her. And she was paging, and it was like the paging going on and this and that. And by the way, I'm not a kid here. I'm. You know, I'm at this time, 22 years old, and I really. I think I might have cried. I think I might have actually cried. I've lost my car and been so despondent that, you know, like, just lost in a parking lot and so mad at myself and so angry that I have shed tears. Yep. It's. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is where. Plugging phones in constantly. And speaking of that, when I park in a parking garage, I'm taking photos from, like, 13 angles of where I park.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I do that.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm writing it down.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Like, I take pictures every single time. People think it's funny. It's like, listen, I know I. When I'm there, I go, of course I'll remember. It's P5.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

But then I know that I won't remember. Not only will. It's not that I won't remember, it's. I'll remember every level I ever parked on at that airport. I. I'm fine if it's a place I've never been to before, but when I've been someplace a lot of times, confusion sets in because I recognize everything and I don't know where to go.

[Pete Holmes]

That is the feel that is exactly what my anxiety was until. When did cell phone show up? 22. I was 22. 2001.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. So. Well, no. Well, before that for sure. But, yeah, they were expensive. Yeah, I had. I had a cell phone that was 20 minutes a month, and I would never use more than, like, three minutes. And one of the. Like, I used 18 minutes one month on one telephone call with Adam Carolla in which I probably didn't say anything, but it was after a meeting I had that. It was a terrible meeting about doing a daytime talk show with this woman. And. And they were like. And this is going to be a show for women and you'll appeal to women. And I was like, oh, my wife doesn't even like me, so I don't know how that's going to come. And I called Adam and I said, we gotta do a show for men called the Man Show. And that was. And I felt like I spent 18 of my minutes on that telephone call. And at the end, Adam was like, yeah, all right, whatever. I mean, trampolines, Trampolines. That was the only idea I had for it was the trampoline.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so funny that you say that you left a bad pitch meeting and had in that kind of frustration.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's exactly what happened. I know it sounds too convenient to be true, but exactly what happened, Jimmy James.

[Pete Holmes]

I was leaving a pitch meeting that was. It wasn't that it was bad. It was. We went into pitch, let's say it was a cooking show. It wasn't a cooking show. And in the first two minutes of the meeting they were like, we don't want any more cooking shows. They just said that in the small talk part of the meeting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're like, uh huh. And like scrambling for other ideas. And on the way out, this is right after my show got canceled. Right on the way out, just in that sort of blue ball sort of feeling of energy going nowhere. I had this like manic episode where I came up with a show that I'm very hoping by the time this airs I'll know if.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

If. And you pitched it there to them at that time?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't pitch it to them, no. It wasn't right for that network. So I brought it somewhere else.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Did you pitch the cooking show or whatever it was. Anyway, since you were there to pitch it.

[Pete Holmes]

That's brilliant.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

How did the rest of the meeting go?

[Pete Holmes]

I kept referencing it like, I know you don't want cooking shows, but if we did one, I mean like traditional kind of Julia style, one camera. But I mean, you know, you don't want that. You don't want that. I think we just pulled something out of our ass. Yeah, I mean, we didn't even. I don't think we even pitched anything. It just got demoted to a general.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Became a general.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, nice to meet.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Never had a general that ever led to anything. It's like, I think that there's a certain level of executive at, at companies in Hollywood. All they do is meet with people to make managers happy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Because I've had some general meetings when I was, you know, just starting out out here that Went so well. I felt like I'd be vacationing with the executive. Like, I was like. And like. And I get a call, like, from my managers, like, oh, my God, Wow. What happened in this meeting? They. They loved you. And I was like, yeah, they really did. See, I mean, it really. I really like them too. It really was, really was a great meeting. And then you just never hear from these people again. It's like, what, How. What do you have to do to get one. Get some. Something going.

[Pete Holmes]

Those people are on staff just to have generals.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. That's why they're there.

[Pete Holmes]

That's their position.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And their goal is to get out of these general. Just out of the generals. Just to rise above these useless meetings that are there for no one.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a general payoff recently because I went back to meet with someone else and I remembered the guy from years earlier and he remembered me, and it lubricated that meeting. But who knows if that meeting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, but you're beyond generals. You're not really having generals anymore. You think you're having generals, right? I think.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. But they have, it's like that. The talk show thing. Like, they kind of have something in mind, probably, or maybe whatever, and they want to, you know, see what's going on with you.

[Pete Holmes]

One more late night question for you. Do you ever get the feeling with all. And I'm sure you've been asked this before, so forgive me, I'm asking you this almost just as a guy. Like, I would ask you this if we had had dinner.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it. Is it becoming too much? Oh, what did you think?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I thought that was the question.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it becoming.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Is it becoming too much?

[Pete Holmes]

There's so many of them. Even when I was doing it and invested in it and a big part of it and kind of defending the relevance of it, there's so many of them right now, and there's more coming.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And like you're saying it's almost a parody of itself and it's not even clear what we're parodying anymore. Right. I understand that there are new ways to do it, and you, I think, are really one of the guys at the forefront revitalizing it when. When Letterman left and was like, I can't do it anymore, I see where it's going. I think he's talking about the things that you're doing. You know what I'm saying?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Although I still believe that if Dave just. If he felt like putting in the hours, he could, he would still be coming up with brand new Things and doing. It's just. You just get tired after a while. Sure. But no, I don't think it's too much. And I'll tell you why, please. Because, first of all, I mean, just to be very kind of businesslike about it, the goal is to make money for a company. And as long as there are. As long as your show is making money for your company, it's, you did it. They'll continue to. To multiply.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I mean, that's really. We can kid ourselves, but that's what it's all about, right? The. The. Our part is filler. The commercials are what count.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll tell you that. If you get canceled, you started preaching that gospel real quick. Well, it's true. When I got kid, I was like, we didn't make the money, so we're gone. It's not that they didn't like us.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It is true. And yeah, and of course, there are many, you know, there are many good things that don't make money, but I think that's. I think, you know what? Nowadays, it's the best time because if you do something good and if you find the right platform for it at the outset, it's almost certainly going to work for some, you know, it may not make you a lot of money, may not be worth it, but it's. It's definitely going to work if it's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, this goes back to what we were talking about at the beginning, almost how you'd like to start over now. There are all these resources. There is this wonderful thing, the Internet connecting everybody and things, having more ways to get out there than ever. So it is kind of exciting, right?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's very exciting. And for me, one of the things that's been. That's, for me, the most fun is helping people who I think are talented kind of, you know, do what they want to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I've, you know, I was. I was lucky enough to be able to do it before I was, you know, I mean, there are some people that I helped that, I mean, like Carson Daly was a kid who I met when he was 12 years old in Hawaii.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that true?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. I met him with his parents on a church trip, a youth group trip with this priest that I'm friends with. We went to Hawaii, and at the table, we were drinking, and I was 17 years old at the table next to me was Carson and his mom and dad. And his mom is very gregarious, and she started talking to us, and eventually we wound up at their table talking the whole time. Time. And we went and visited them in Santa Monica. When I went back home, we went and spent the day with them. And then I didn't talk to them again for many years until I was working as a morning radio DJ in Palm Springs, and I saw their picture in the local newspaper. They had a house in Palm Springs. And I started talking about them on the air, and someone called and gave me their telephone number. So I called them up and I said, hey, do you remember me? And they're like, we always wondered what happened to you, you know, and they said, you know, come over our house. And, you know, I said, oh, yeah, I'd love to, you know, And I went. And Carson was 17 now at the time, or 19 or something. 19 years old at the time. And I said, you should be my intern at the radio station. You drop out of college. He was majoring in golf, and you should be my intern. And so that's what happened. And that's how Carson got into radio. And Adam Carolla was my boxing instructor when I met him. He'd never done anything on anything. And there are a lot of people like that, you know that. Some are famous and some are successful and in various areas, and I love that. And I really get a real kick out of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's it, man. I love that. The plugging people in, getting that sort of.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Giving them ideas and giving them a little platform and, you know, like kind of then letting them go. And some of them. It's worked out great for some of them.

[Pete Holmes]

And that makes sense to me. I remember a Largo. You told that story about Carolla getting offered a late night show and he didn't want to go against you. I thought that was very, very sweet.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. When CBS was looking to replace Craig Kilborn. Yeah. They wanted him to be one of the, like, five finalists or whatever and do a whole week. And he said, no, I don't want to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not going against Jimmy. I can't do it. Broads aren't funny.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Which is an act of love. It is an act of.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's very, very, very sweet. I took a shot at him while I was talking.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, that's not sensical. He doesn't believe that anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that you? Oh, that's gimmicks.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's just that at that moment, it came out of his mouth, you know, Adam extrapolates. He's an extrapolator. That's. That's the only way I can explain him. He. His parents were on welfare and didn't work and didn't want to work. So he thinks that's how everyone who's poor, that's, that's the situation with everyone who is on welfare.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's interesting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And, and, and that's kind of how he, he does things.

[Pete Holmes]

Extrapolating.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me ask you a bunch of weird questions and then we'll wrap this up, get you.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Get on out of here. When's the last time you cried?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Let's see, the last time I cried, I actually was on television talking about David Letterman. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Which is my nightmare, really is. And everybody goes, oh, it's so sweet. And you know, everybody compliments you for it and stuff like that, but I spend the whole day talking to myself and going like, okay. And you know, I thought about what I was going to say and, and I said, I can get through this. This is not gonna, you know, I mean, it's not like he's dying, you know, he's, he's retiring and he's gonna enjoy himself and this and that. And then as soon as I began to speak, I started to cry at the moment I began to speak. And as I'm talking, as my mouth is going, my brain is going, what the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking asshole.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you talk to him about it?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

About that? No, no, I didn't know.

[Pete Holmes]

He didn't call you and like he.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Sent me a letter. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

About crying?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, not about crying, but it said, dear Jimmy, you are a pussy. See ya, Dave.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever been in a fight?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, I've been in a lot of fights.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of fights. We'll pick one. What was your first fight?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

My first fight was. Well, I grew up in Brooklyn, you know, and we used to fight like as if it was like for fun, you know? But the one I probably remember most vividly was there. There were two kids around the block, big kids named Tommy Black and Eddie Fahey. And I had a fighting. I had a fighting shirt. I had a shirt I would put on when I knew I was probably going to get in a fight that day. Shut up. It was a brown T shirt that was very tight fitting and it was very stretchy. And I knew because I knew my mother, I didn't want my mother to know I was fighting. And I knew if I got blood on it that it would not show through.

[Pete Holmes]

Shut up.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

But I remember these big kids from around the block, they would come over. I had a friend named Mark and they would beat the shit out of us all the time. And it never occurred to me, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Punches to the face. Are punches to the face happening?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Worse than punches to the face pinning you down, grabbing you by the hair and banging your head against the cement kind of thing. And I remember it was snowing once and a kid grabbed me, one of these two kids grabbed me by the back of the hair and ground my face into the snow. And I remember even thinking at the time, time, like there's something like almost clever about this. He's not even like, this is. There's no damage to him at all. He's got me by the back of the hair and my. In the. My face and the. The pavement are really doing all the work.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he thought it out.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. That guy went on to invent soft scrub, you know, the little scrubbing bubbles. Yeah, I just made that up. You're very trust.

[Pete Holmes]

So what is the one. Is that the one that.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's probably. I mean, I remember a lot of them, but yeah, that one I remember.

[Pete Holmes]

When you go to bed at night, I have to imagine you're pretty adrenalized. Do you have some sort of sleep ritual?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I. I fall asleep within one or two minutes of getting into bed.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? No effort.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I have some form of narcolepsy and I can fall asleep driving. You know, it's. It. But it. I tell you what, I'd rather have it than not. I really would because.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you mean you literally have like a medical. Medical thing. Okay.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

For like 11 years, I took medication every day basically just to keep me awake at work.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And I finally just decided to stop. I was grinding my teeth and I felt like it was.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's like an upper.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, well, yeah, it's kind of like. It's called. The one I took was called Provigil, and it's something like fighter pilots will take for their long trips, you know, to go bomb somebody. And I've never thought about it. It makes it sound cooler than it sounds.

[Pete Holmes]

I never thought about the trip there.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, the trip there. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got to be a 20 hour flight.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It's got to be nerve wracking.

[Pete Holmes]

A bomb.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's where they. That's where we need to have a camera. You know, the trip there, just kind of speaking aloud.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a podcast I'd listen to.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Five phases you go through. So you. You would take that. So to this day, when you lay down, it's. You're done.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I go right out.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's great.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

After 9 11, I hosted the Comedy Central roast of Hugh Hefner, and Adam Carolla was one of the roasters. And this was right after. I mean, it was like, one of the first, like, things in New York. It was like, the first big Entertainment event after 9 11. I think it was, like, the first. It was the first day you could fly to New York after 9 11. And we got on a flight at 6am and Adam and I were at the airport, and I was very keyed up, and I. I said, listen, we gotta make a pact here, because we're sitting in first class. And I said, if we see any sign of anything, we have to act, we have to pounce. And Adam was a boxing instructor. So I'm really thinking you have to pounce, but we have to pounce on. Even if we get stabbed or whatever, because I feel like that window right at the top is the only chance that we have to save the plane, even if we wind up getting stabbed or something. And I was like, jesus, yeah, okay. He's like, you know, he wasn't, like, worried like I was. So we get on the plane, and it is very solemn and very tense. I mean, it is very tense on the plane. We're flying to jfk, and we sit down and, you know, I am just ready to leap on somebody, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And I remember all around that time, you'd think everybody would think, what would you do? Dane Cook actually had a bit about. I remember because it was something I had thought and made me laugh really hard. He was like, I'd snap a CD in half. That's how I'd get something sharp to attack somebody.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

So I'm sitting upright and. And Adam is now also very keyed up. And before the plane started to move, Adam looks over at me and I am sound asleep against the window, out cold. Cold.

[Pete Holmes]

After you planted the bug in him.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I planted the bug and hit the hay.

[Pete Holmes]

So much for your pack.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. This is why I was not selected as an air Marshal.

[Pete Holmes]

You've given us so many. I'm almost, like, remiss to ask you this, but I have to. Do you remember the hardest time you've ever laughed? That's the question we always kind of close with.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You've given us so many.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. Well, boy, I could probably give you, like, four answers to that. Of things. You know, they almost always involve my cousin Sal, who is just unbelievably funny at all times. And. But I will say that. Just remember one from childhood where I was driving a Go kart. And there was a man who was mad. It was, I, I, I'm a bad driver. And I was a bad driver in a go kart. And I, like, I bumped the. I. I didn't have any control of my car. And I was a kid, and I was with my friend Cleto and his dad. Guys are in my band, and. And this guy, like, I, like, I. I accidentally, like, he was mad, and he was yelling at me, and he was really pissed, which, of course, you know, made all of us laugh. And he. He pulled up in front of the, you know, at that finish line, and I was a good half length behind him. I'd crashed into everything. And I pull in, and I just. I never even slowed down. I drove right into the back of him. And, like, with, like, my friend Kalito and his dad and I almost. They almost had to call an ambulance to take us off the track because we were laughing so hard that, you know, it's one of those things where, like, it starts to become painful, and it becomes, like, like, okay, enough already. But that's one of them. A lot of them have happened in church. You know, church laugh. Church laugh is really good. Funeral laughs, crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

When Zach Galifianakis did this podcast, he told the story of, like, an Easter Sunday, and they're lighting everybody's candle. Like, the idea was you have a lit candle and you light your neighbors. And Zach was looking at his dad, who is trying. They're singing silent, singing Silent Night. And the whole time, he's not even enjoying it. He's just trying to get his goddamn candle lit. And as soon as he gets it lit, everyone blows it out. Like, the song ends, and they blow it out. The candle part is done, and he finally gets it. He just wept. Church laughter is some of the best laughing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. My Aunt Chippy was a reader in church at my sister's wedding. And, you know, I'm an adult now. And my Aunt Chippy, who is the meanest woman. I mean, she's got a foul mouth. And she would scream at my uncle when he was alive like, nothing. I mean, like, my uncle. I have a tape of them that I will reenact for you. Now imagine it's an audio tape. I would just tape them and listen to. To it of my Uncle Frank trying to get some ketchup onto his plate. And he's. And he's shaking it, and he's shaking it, and all of a sudden you hear him go, chip. Her name's Chip. Chip, how do you pour this? She Goes, you gotta shake it, Frank. And she goes back to talking about whatever she's talking. And he's shaking it and nothing's happening. She's like, shake it, Frank. Frank, Frank. You got that? You got the goddamn cap on, Frank, you gotta open the bottle before the goddamn pour out. And then she goes into one of the greatest rants I've ever heard. She goes, he's so stupid, it's pathetic. He'll never invent the light bulb. He'll never invent the airplane. He's lucky if he knows how to fly in one. And there's so many good things about those words. He'll never invent the light bulb. He'll never invent the airplane. I laugh pretty hard at that one, too.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mind the third line. The third line's pretty good. He's lucky he can even fly in one.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, yeah, she's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not bad.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

She's vicious, but she is funny.

[Pete Holmes]

You've hit, like, the. The hard laugh bell, like nine times is one of the funniest episodes.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Where is the bell? Can I touch it?

[Pete Holmes]

There's a. What did you call it? The radio term?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, boom jingle.

[Pete Holmes]

You've had. You've had like nine boom jingles. Let me look at this. Don't want to do it. I wanted to cover that. Which was your favorite parent, by the way.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

For those listening right now, your notes consist of up. It's a three. One of these binders. Not three ring, but binders. But there's a whole page and there's like seven words on the whole thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Normal episode looks like wow for you. I prepared. You can tell I wrote things down. This is a normal. This one just says Borat family in provolone. Dmv. Pasadena dmv. I wanted to tell somebody that the DMV isn't that bad. I went to one in Pasadena. Yeah.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know what? In certain places, it's not that bad. Yeah, but they set a pretty low bar as what happens. And you go into one where people are friendly and you're like, wow, they're not that bad.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Yelp.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Is it? It's Yelp. They're yelping the dmv.

[Pete Holmes]

You have a way to fight back. You can give them a one star and they get fucking chewed out by, I don't know, the state. I don't know.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I'm a Yelper. And by the way, I almost exclusively use it for places that I hate, which I know is terrible, but they force you to Write like a five line review. I would like to give a place just a five star rating. Say, great food, great service, great.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to do five.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Oh, yeah. They make you, like, write a par. It's like homework. It's crazy. There's like. It's the opposite of Twitter. It's like there. You must have at least 140 characters or we're not posting this and. But I will say it's funny because I have a television show and I'm of course, completely anonymous on Yelp. But there's no greater thrill than when somebody, like, favorites your little Yelp review. You can get a Yelp review, some cupcake shop or something that wronged you. Yeah, you get little. And I have to say, I got a real kick out of it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna start doing that now. Here's a weird one. Who is your favorite parent?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Wow. Yeah, that's. You know what? That's funny that my cousin Sal, when he was a kid and he's a lunatic, once would not let me go to sleep until I answered. Who would I rather died first, my mother or my father. By the way, he was like 9 years old at the time. I was like 13. And he would not let me go. But you know what? They. Who's my favorite parent? I mean, it depends. It really depends. Like, who would I rather spend a month with on an island? Yeah, sure. Probably my father. Who do I probably have a deeper attachment to? Probably my mother.

[Pete Holmes]

Interesting.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

You know, but you, like, you have.

[Pete Holmes]

A chumminess with your dad or an ease with your dad?

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, well, we talk. We don't. You know, my mom likes to really get into, like, deep stuff. And my dad is like, I fought it. My dad will send me a. My dad sends pictures of his shits to me sometimes. He does?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

And he told me a great story that I don't even know if he realizes how great it was about being at work. And they have these big industrial toilets that, like, you know, suck your colon down the thing. You know, they look powerful. Like, like, you know, you could, like, lose. You could have, like a miscarriage in one of these and not even know you were pregnant. And my dad. My dad got his iPhone ready because he knew the moment he lifted his ass off the toilet seat, it was automatically going to flush. And he knew there was something great in there and he wanted to take a picture. So he got his phone ready and whirled around and just missed it. And he was very. He was really upset.

[Pete Holmes]

At least he didn't go for. Between the legs. He could have done the between the legs and gotten part of it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah, well. Yeah, well, he's cl. He's got a lot of class. He's a classy guy.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a classy guy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Well, do you feel good? I feel great. I feel good.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel very satisfied.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I feel like we enjoyed the passage of time. Time.

[Pete Holmes]

We. We did enjoy the passage of time.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

That's the secret old life.

[Pete Holmes]

It is the secret old life. And there's something about a small room. And I even. I. I say, I even enjoyed Dan being here because I objected to a witness.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Yeah. By the way, I was impressed by that because, you know, it's. It shows a real level of professionalism. But I also couldn't let Dan roam around a comic book store for two hours.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I meant it when I said it was up to you. And Dan was a lovely.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

His.

[Pete Holmes]

His energy was good.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

It was good. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't. I felt only.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

I don't hang around with.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you're doing all right.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

All right.

[Pete Holmes]

And we end the podcast with the guy saying, keep it crispy. It's just the thing.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

You did it.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

All right. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Shows without the ads?

[Pete Holmes]

Subscribe to Lemonada Premium. On Apple podcast podcasts, you'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show feed on Apple podcasts and hit subscribe. Make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium Premium. Are you looking for ways to make.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

Your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast.

[Jimmy Kimmel]

My co host and happiness guinea pig.

[Pete Holmes]

Is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.