Lamorne Morris

Summary

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – Lamorne Morris (Dec 11, 2024)

Main Theme / Purpose

In this episode, Pete Holmes sits down with Lamorne Morris—Emmy-winning actor best known for "New Girl," "Fargo," and "Bloodshot"—for a candid, hilarious, and surprisingly philosophical conversation. They cover Lamorne’s career, comedic process, celebrity encounters, personal "weirdness," parenthood, spirituality, and what it means to live and work authentically. The tone is breezy and joke-filled, but the conversation dives into deep topics like faith, creativity, vulnerability, the reality of fame, and finding meaning.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Celebrity Gossip, Comedy, and Confidence

[02:00–07:15]

• Pete and Lamorne riff on rumors and celebrity scandals, using Trump as a jumping-off point to examine public personas.
• They discuss the irresistibility of doing Trump impressions—how the “grotesque confidence” is inherently funny on stage and in daily life.
  • Quote:

    "Grotesque confidence doesn’t mean gross confidence. It means absurd confidence, which is funny. Charlie Chaplin’s tramp is absurdly confident.”
    – Pete Holmes [04:00]

• The two joke about the comedic impulse to poke at whatever's in the zeitgeist, and why comedians mimic dominating voices (“If we had a president that talked like Elvis, we’d all be doing Elvis” [03:45]).

2. Fashion, Insecurity, and Perception

[08:20–13:10]

• Pete admits to feeling intimidated shopping for clothes and asks Lamorne about his own sense of style and confidence.
• Lamorne shares that fashion is all about confidence, not necessarily taste or price — effort can sometimes signal insecurity.
  • Quote:

    “The least confident person is the best dressed because they’re trying to stop you at the door—don’t go sniffing around my personality.”
    – Nick Kroll, quoted by Pete Holmes [11:44]

• They analyze why overperforming (“too put together”) reads as “corny,” connecting it to jealousy and effort in art.

3. Comedy Craft, Freestyling, and Performance Realities

[13:35–19:50]

• Discussion turns to comedy as deliberate practice and performance—nobody starts out perfect.
• Pete reflects on the “illusion of effortlessness” among musicians, standups, and actors.
  • Quote:

    “We just roll out of bed—shut the fuck up. You learned your scales, you practiced, you polished. That took decades of practice.”
    – Pete Holmes [13:36]

• Lamorne laughs about his claimed status as “one of the greatest” freestyle rappers—leading to a spoofed mini-freestyle (“I’ve been around to a lot of cities doing all your ditties. No Diddy. But yes.” [14:01]).
• They discuss acting on TV—editors’ power to make chaotic or unpolished performances seem tight (“The editors really did it.” [16:54]), and how improv sometimes makes the wildest actor look best on set.

4. Lessons from Big-League Co-Stars—Vin Diesel, Nicolas Cage, and More

[19:54–46:44]

• Lamorne reveals what he learned from working with Vin Diesel on "Bloodshot": Vin is always thinking like an editor, giving multiple versions of the same take to maximize the post-production options.
  • Quote:

    “I'll tell you, he—one time in particular...he goes, ‘That's the trailer.’ And I was like, huh, Vinnie.”
    – Lamorne Morris [21:16]

• Pete and Lamorne compare this approach to theater acting (pure, in-the-moment), versus film (building performances out of fragments).
• On set with Nicolas Cage, Lamorne is amazed by Cage's total script mastery:
  • Quote:

    "He knows the dialogue, he knows the lines from front to back and even back to front. If you say one, he knows exactly where in the script that is.” – Lamorne Morris [43:38]

• Cage offers the tacit advice: know your script to the point where acting becomes second nature.

5. Fame, Connection, and Weirdness

Vin Diesel, Gifting Stories, and Social Media
[29:06–41:41]

• Pete dives into Lamorne’s working relationship with Vin Diesel—playful insecurity about whether Vin “likes” him (“Doesn’t follow me on social media...no number…” [33:24]).
• Hilarious story: Lamorne trolls Vin on Instagram hoping for a sequel; receives an ambiguous gift—a giant box containing only a phone charger (“That’s why I was like, oh, he doesn’t like me.” [39:46]).

Jon Hamm, Shrooms, and Celebrity Summer Camp
[46:44–51:33]

• Lamorne describes meeting Jon Hamm for the first time—while tripping on shroom tea at a Dave Chappelle comedy retreat (great storytelling, funny paranoia).
  • Quote:

    “Maybe you should get some water.” …“I immediately, in that moment, thought he is Satan and he is trying to kill me by drowning me.”
    – Lamorne Morris [49:29]

6. Creativity, Weirdness, and "The Thin Veil"

[55:47–65:38]

• Pete introduces the idea (inspired by “The Telepathy Tapes” podcast) that highly creative people sometimes resemble shamans—“the veil is thinner” for them. Lamorne shares a story about being read by a “healer” who gave eerily accurate insights.
• The conversation meanders into the possibility of psychic abilities, animal telepathy, and why we’re drawn to the mysterious.

7. Relationships, Parenthood, and Fame

[66:12–76:57]

• They talk about Lamorne’s dating life, relationship philosophy (bento box vs PB&J approaches), and his daughter.
• Lamorne beams about fatherhood, his daughter’s personality and “tight five” of jokes—a language of playful familial pride.
• Discussion of fame’s impact on children—Lamorne’s daughter slowly realizing what he does for a living (“Daddy’s famous” [76:30]).
  • Memorable Moment:
    Lily, his daughter, uses the word “bitch” in context as a joke, leveraging her understanding for laughs and negotiation [73:25].

8. Improvisation, Comedy Roots, and Chicago Memories

[85:06–91:13]

• Lamorne and Pete reminisce about the Chicago comedy scene—Ed Debevic’s restaurant (rude servers), their interactions with TJ Miller, and learning improv from the best.

9. Spirituality, Religion, and Meaning

[99:06–121:32]

• Lamorne opens up about growing up Christian, shifting from traditional rituals to a personal, fluid, ongoing relationship with God:
  • Quote:

    “I communicate with God all the time, but it’s not necessarily in a traditional way...it’s not my job. I’ve been given a set of tools to go and try to attempt to continue to make people laugh... That comes from the foundation of the church.”
    – Lamorne Morris [109:08]

• They discuss spiritual growth—how “order->disorder->reorder” is essential to authentic faith.
• Lamorne’s view of the afterlife: more drawn to reincarnation, or energy returning to the universe, than to literal heaven/hell.
• Pete expresses how crisis and pain can deepen faith, “a God who protects [us] from nothing but sustains [us] in everything” [108:00].

10. Hardest Laughs, Preachers, and Cultural Impact

[114:41–119:32]

• Lamorne’s biggest laughs: “I used to laugh a lot in church. I used to mock the preacher a lot...he would drag it out like that.” [115:17]
• On black preachers and their storytelling stylings as a vital, dynamic, underappreciated contribution to culture and keeping faith communities awake!
  • Quote:

    “They made church interesting. You made church interesting.”
    – Pete Holmes [116:37]

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “The least confident person is the best dressed...” (Nick Kroll via Pete Holmes) [11:44]
• “He’s in the edit bay. He’s thinking ahead. He’s thinking of the trailer.” (On Vin Diesel) [21:10]
• “He knows the dialogue, he knows the lines from front to back and even back to front.” (On Nic Cage) [43:38]
• “Maybe you should get some water.” (Jon Hamm as Lucifer to shrooming Lamorne) [49:30]
• “I believe in a God who protects me from nothing but sustains me in everything.” (Pete Holmes quoting James Finley) [108:00]
• “I want someone else writing something incredible that I can then elevate… Standup is amazing because they’re your laughs, but I like doing other people’s stuff. But then when you go and do standup and it’s all yours. But also the failure is all yours too.” – Pete Holmes [25:34]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:00] – Trump impressions & comedic confidence
• [10:05] – Fashion, shame, and personal style
• [16:53] – The editor’s hidden hand in on-screen comedy
• [21:16] – Vin Diesel and “thinking like the trailer”
• [43:38] – Nicolas Cage’s discipline and script preparation
• [46:55] – Lamorne on Mushrooms: Meeting Jon Hamm at Chappelle’s summer camp
• [55:47] – Shamanic creativity & psychic phenomena
• [73:25] – Lamorne’s daughter uses “bitch” as comedic leverage
• [99:06] – Lamorne’s spiritual journey and relationship with faith
• [114:41] – Hardest laughs: Preacher impersonation and black church
• [119:30] – Black church culture; “don’t worship the sign, go to Detroit” (spiritual metaphor)

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Tone and Language

The banter is quick-witted, irreverent, heartfelt, and sprawling. Both speakers riff, self-deprecate, digress, and circle back to sincere reflections. Lamorne matches Pete’s playful philosophy with his own blend of standup rhythm and actorly insight.

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Summary for New Listeners

Pete Holmes and Lamorne Morris go deep in this conversation that covers comedy as craft and coping mechanism, the insecurities beneath style and performance, the oddities of celebrity culture, parenting, creativity’s mystical side, relationships, and the evolution of personal faith. The episode is equally fun for fans of “New Girl,” “Fargo,” or comedy itself as for anyone interested in how driven, talented people stay human and weird amid success. The dynamic is open, entertaining, and vulnerable—rich with quotable moments and genuine connection.

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Closing:
Lamorne keeps it “crispy” (and zesty), channeling Denzel in the show’s signature sign-off—ending on humor and heart.

Transcript

[Lamorne Morris]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening, weirdos? This is Lamorne. Lamorne Morris. I bumped the mic. Lamorne Morris. You know him. You love him. He was on Fargo, the newest season of Fargo, and was incredible and won an Emmy for that. Holy smokes. I'm not sure if this is our first Emmy. It can't be. But it's the first one in a long time. What a thrill. Also, he was in Game Night. New Girl. He's awesome. He also has his own podcast, which is also awesome. It's called the Morning after, and you should check that out. Whomever you get your podcasts. And I'm so glad you guys are here. This is an awesome episode. It's a fun. It's a fun chat, and I don't have much to say up top other than petehomes.com for all of my tour dates. If you're listening to this the day it comes out, I'm at Largo tonight, December 11th here in Los Angeles. After that, on December 19th, I'll be in Seattle. Then we have the next Largos. January 17th, Salt Lake City. I'll be there in January, February, Phoenix, and then April, I'll be in Austin. So all of Those are on PeteHomes.com. hope you can be there. And we do the Largo show in Los Angeles every month, even if I'm not listing that date. You can go to largo-la.com always fun. This week we have. This month we have Nikki Glaser, Lara Bites, and some music. It's going to be great every time. It's a great lineup. And I'm also there as well, so. All right, everybody. Enjoy Le Morin. Get into it, dude.

[Lamorne Morris]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

No, they were driving, too.

[Lamorne Morris]

What the fuck?

[Pete Holmes]

Anyone you've seen on this podcast that's like, can I have a beer? That's actually not true. Sam J. Had a couple beers. She wasn't driving.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay, good. Yeah, yeah. That would be really.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Shitty.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Lamorne Morris]

That'd be really horrible of these people.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. Don't go. Don't go chasing waterfalls. It's something I felt compelled to say, but also, don't go doing a Timberlake. Ooh.

[Lamorne Morris]

He was. He was doing a lot of stuff, wasn't he?

[Pete Holmes]

Was he.

[Lamorne Morris]

He had, like. There was some. He had this. He had weird, like, ancient shit in his system, apparently.

[Pete Holmes]

What was he doing? I don't want to drag Him. Everyone loves jt.

[Lamorne Morris]

I love J. He was having a good time.

[Pete Holmes]

He was out there with the ancient roots in the parks. Now we're starting a new rumor.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me what he. What do you know?

[Lamorne Morris]

He was on the gossip podcast. He was on the old Oriental dust.

[Pete Holmes]

He was. He was on opium.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I just made that up. But he possibly. I just. This is just coming from my. My very terrible memory. I have a great memory, but I do think it was, like, good self love there. Yeah, thanks. One of the best.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's one of the best memories.

[Pete Holmes]

Beautiful memory. Gives people ptsd. I tried doing Trump on stage since the win, and people literally, like, make a sad sound in some cities.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. My sister does it all the time. Because now I. When I speak, I just do like this as a bit to her.

[Pete Holmes]

Me too.

[Lamorne Morris]

She's just like, stop.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so fun. Look, all reality aside, yes, it is funny to just kind of. It is just kind of.

[Lamorne Morris]

I listen. It makes me laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Dude, what happens is you've lit me up. What happens is sometimes I'm on stage doing stand up, and I just end up talking like Trump by accident.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's a funny way to talk.

[Lamorne Morris]

I also think what it is is that he's so polarizing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Whoever's like, in the zeitgeist or whoever's. You know, it's true.

[Pete Holmes]

If we had a president that talked like Elvis.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We'd all be doing Elvis. It's in your consciousness.

[Lamorne Morris]

It just happens to be. And he happens to be funny. So it's one of those things.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, what it is, is, like, this isn't. Who cares? I was gonna say it's grotesque confidence, which is really funny. That doesn't mean gross confidence. Yeah, I know. You know that. But like, it means, like, absurd confidence, which. Which is funny. Charlie Chaplin's tramp is absurdly confident. He's a homeless. He's an unhoused Hitler mustached man, and he's going to fancy dinner parties and shit. Like, that's absurd. Grotesquely confident. So when I'm on stage and I'm doing a joke and it's not quite working, a little sprinkle of, like. If I had one critique of most comedy, specifically standup, I'd be like, say something. I don't mean political or life changing, but say something like, I have a joke right now where I go, can Starbucks stop pretending that pumpkin spice lattes are seasonal? At least we're talking about something. At least I'm mad and. But that Would be like, they're not seasonal, you know, they're not seasonal. They have them year round, you know, like that would be like a, like that's his thing is to, is to at least like provoke or go and. Too much comedy. And I mean at all levels. I mean, like established comedians do these kind of like, like a silent fart kind of joke that's like nothing, neither here nor there.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you'll never say what you want about old Donny boy, but he's not limping around.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, no, no, he's very aggressive.

[Pete Holmes]

Very aggressive and. Yeah, very aggressive.

[Lamorne Morris]

Even when he sucked at Mike's dick.

[Pete Holmes]

He did what now?

[Lamorne Morris]

He sucked the mic from like it was a penis.

[Pete Holmes]

He did what now?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, he took the microphone two handed it.

[Pete Holmes]

He did not he.

[Lamorne Morris]

A microphone.

[Pete Holmes]

And is this really sucked a ding dong? Yes, like a microphone ding dong. But he knew what he was doing. He was like, this is like what I'm doing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Here's what he was doing. Here's what he was doing. He was.

[Pete Holmes]

I get my news from my guests, by the way.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, here's the thing.

[Pete Holmes]

He.

[Lamorne Morris]

He was, he was. I saw a clip where they were like, what is this guy doing? He's at a rally, he's sucking off the, the mic stand. And I was like, I laughed at it. And I went, there's gotta be more to the story. There's gotta be more context to it. Because usually that's how the media works. When you're trying to smear one side, you use the part that will get him.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, no matter what side of the coin you stand on, it's. That's the name of the game. Let's make you look bad so we win.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

And so I looked at it just to see what the full clip was. And yeah, that's what he did. Like I watched front to back.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know what? There's no two ways to slice that.

[Lamorne Morris]

One, you know, but his reasoning behind it, in my opinion, it was like, I see what he's trying to say, but you still did the action.

[Pete Holmes]

He was making fun of someone else.

[Lamorne Morris]

He was making fun of how low the mic was. And like, they want me to do this. They want me to. He's like, it's so low and I need a good mic. And he was like shitting on the sound guy. And he was like, yeah. He was like, they're the worst. They're the worst. They're stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

They're so dumb. So dumb. These are the worst sound guys. Look at that guy. Back there, he doesn't even have headphones on. He doesn't even know what I'm saying.

[Lamorne Morris]

He don't even have ears. That guy's deaf. So dumb and deaf.

[Pete Holmes]

Deaf voice goes viral.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

People would forgive it immediately.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then he leans over and he just grabs the mic and he goes, I had to do it. I had to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I had to do it. If I see something that low and.

[Lamorne Morris]

Hard, gotta put my mouth around it. It's gotta be, I got the best mouth. No one has a better mouth than me.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say I had to do it is what we're talking about. That's the comedy standpoint.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like I had to. I had to do it. Go ahead, please. I'll say something long winded while you have it.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I'm just.

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel you came in saying you were thirsty.

[Lamorne Morris]

I know, but then you were going and I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And now we're off and I can talk about what a great coat, Burberry, this old food. It's a guess, just a guess.

[Lamorne Morris]

Sandro, can we talk about.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know what that means.

[Lamorne Morris]

Sandra. It's the name of the brand.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know, but I don't know what that means. Am I like, ooh, Sandro, you should be. Oh, Sandro, Bullock, over here. There she is. Well, that might. That camera is very low. Don't go stuck. Don't do it. I got to do it. I got to do it, got to do it. I know everyone listening. I'm gonna apologize. I'm sorry. I diffuse everything in my life by making fun of it. And if I stop doing that voice, which I understand might be inciting to people, that's like the terrorists of one sort of moment. We need to keep shopping. We need to have the biggest Christmas ever, that sort of thing. So that's my rationale there.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, I just thought. I just think it's funny, that's all. That's the only reason why I do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I ask you as a well dressed man?

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

I just today went to AP upc.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Which stands for something in French.

[Lamorne Morris]

Apache.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what it means?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I just made that up.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that.

[Lamorne Morris]

But you did a very conviction native French.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very tempting to do Trump. I really want to do it. The whole episode, I'm going to want to do it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I feel like every time you, you, you're going to pronounce something incorrectly or. Or over enunciate certain parts, you have to do it. In Trump's voice as well.

[Pete Holmes]

China. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You have to say it. You have to say lying. You have to.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Whenever you're gonna, like, intentionally mispronounce something.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's the grotesque confidence. And you can't. And that's what comedy is, is getting over a lot of humps.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like you don't know how to say the word. Say it kind of funny.

[Lamorne Morris]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

That's been my coping strategy. My coping strategy. I'm dying this whole time. Anyway, so I go into APAC, but here's what, dude. First of all, I'm 6 foot 6, so a lot of times I go into these stores and they don't have anything for me. So there's like a certain amount of shame. But I was in the car. I'm gonna put this back to you. I'm in the car and I went to their website. Cause I haven't gone in an apc. It's for those that don't know. I wouldn't have known. It's like a fancy clothing store. And I went on their website just to see if I was like, what if they don't even have a men's section? But let me tell you, and this is what I want you to speak to. The amount of shame. I was so prepared to go in and be embarrassed. It's just a store, but I'm like, I'm going to look in the wrong section. I'm going to get the wrong thing. They're not going to have my size. Everything I put on is going to look ridiculous. Do you have any of that anxiety going in? You don't look like you do.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, hold on. First of all, it's a nice store. It's not Met Gala shit. I understand you're going to walk in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing was inflatable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a can of paint and shoes.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, I know. You're like, how do I put this on? How do I use the three seashells? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Actually, surprisingly, all three go on your left breast. And the rest we all enjoy. This is the new Met Gala, 100%. But you, you're comfortable.

[Lamorne Morris]

I am.

[Pete Holmes]

As a.

[Lamorne Morris]

Here's the thing.

[Pete Holmes]

As a. Well dressed. I was even gonna say fly.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, you know what's interesting about fashion nowadays is that it's just confidence. It's some. Some fashion that I've seen, in my opinion. I go, oh, you look awful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

But they are walking up with the chest high, they're smiling, and people are taking the photos. And I go, oh, I guess that must be.

[Pete Holmes]

We love confidence.

[Lamorne Morris]

You gotta be confident.

[Pete Holmes]

Bjork in the Swan. I immediately go to Bjork in the Swan. Anyone else in the Swan?

[Lamorne Morris]

Wasn't someone wearing meat?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Was that Lady Gaga? Lady Gaga, Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Lady Gaga.

[Pete Holmes]

Lady Gaga. We're just gonna have to put a warning on this episode. Look, guys, if you're still feeling it, don't listen.

[Lamorne Morris]

So I think it's a confidence thing. No, I go like, when I walk into a store, I'm like a hoodie person in a baseball hat, like, kind of person. Yeah. Everything else is some stuff that I don't. Thank you for saying.

[Pete Holmes]

I, I mean, I, I, you had me at tasteful's very soft, clean jacket. No, it's not pilling.

[Lamorne Morris]

Thank you. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

It looks like you take care of that jacket.

[Lamorne Morris]

Beat up, peeling jacket.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

But you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's not that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not, it's, it's clean.

[Lamorne Morris]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's ready to go. Thank you. And when I saw you, well, let me put this to you. Nick Kroll said to me, but this is 20 years ago. I don't know if he still feels this way because I was very curious about his fashion too. And he goes, in my experience, the least confident person is the best dressed because they're trying to like, oh, yeah, yeah. Stop you at the door. Don't go sniffing around my personality.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Part of it. Part of it's that too. Well, I wouldn't even say nicest dressed. I would say the person who looks like they put the most thought and attention.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because there are some people who. There are some people who are too well put together. It's like, oh, your hat matches your belt, which matches your shoes and the ring on your finger and the color of your diamonds.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's like, oh, you did too much.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, who'd you murder? You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, matches your glove, matches the knife. Yeah, I know what you mean. Why are we that way, though? We want to people to look good and that requires effort. But too much effort. Now you're corny.

[Lamorne Morris]

Now you're corny. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's weird, though. It's a fine line.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Because I think part of it is that we're lazy too. And then when you look at somebody who's dressed nice, you go, fuck you, man. I could have did that shit. I didn't do that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's you. That's what it is. It's similar to the paintings that you feel like you could do. Like, this isn't a good painting. You just had a studio where you threw. Painted a canvas.

[Lamorne Morris]

I could do that.

[Pete Holmes]

And we hate.

[Lamorne Morris]

I could do that because we didn't do it.

[Pete Holmes]

And because we didn't do it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I sometimes feel like I can't believe people get let standups get away with it. Considering that I spend a year premeditating what I think might make a group of strangers laugh. And then you look cool. You're a dork. That's how I feel about Guns N Roses and every band that's trying to look like they don't give a shit. I could pick a more modern band like mgmt. They're just like. We just roll out of bed. Shut the fuck up. You learned your scales, you practiced, you polished.

[Lamorne Morris]

That took decades of practice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we're nerds and nerdies. Even a bad thing. I just mean, like, I think about this all the time, but I'm going to put it to you. Like, take a really good rapper, a really good freestyler. They sucked the first time.

[Lamorne Morris]

Me?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you. Are you a good freestyler?

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm one of the greatest in the world, but I don't like to talk about it.

[Pete Holmes]

One of the greatest in the world.

[Lamorne Morris]

As far as the world goes. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The whole planet.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, worldwide.

[Pete Holmes]

Your talent spans it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Like I've been around to a lot of cities doing all your ditties. No diddy. But yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Not PE Did.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Nope. Not P. Diddy.

[Pete Holmes]

No baby oil.

[Lamorne Morris]

Lots of baby oil.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, P. Diddy didn't take baby oil. You can still enjoy baby oil.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's still nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Tiki torches are done. Baby oil is still fair. Babies are dry. Babies are dry.

[Lamorne Morris]

They are. Yes, it's true. They need the oil.

[Pete Holmes]

Slip it around.

[Lamorne Morris]

We need thousands of bottles of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Thousands.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's a lot of bab.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Okay. What were you saying?

[Lamorne Morris]

I. I forgot.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, freestyling.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, I'm not, I'm not. I'm just. I was just.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it. I actually saw you freestyling on Rick Glassman. Oh, I thought it was great.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, I get weird.

[Pete Holmes]

We're not going to freestyle.

[Lamorne Morris]

I appreciate. I had a beat that I was about to do.

[Pete Holmes]

You have one?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm just putting my phone on.

[Pete Holmes]

Lamore and Morris.

[Lamorne Morris]

Put my phone on. Undo.

[Pete Holmes]

Not a ST Alert the chorus.

[Lamorne Morris]

Whoa, whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Equipped. I'm not gonna.

[Lamorne Morris]

You came equipped.

[Pete Holmes]

Corny headband.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like your Horus.

[Pete Holmes]

Horus like Grant. Oh, yeah. I thought you meant the Egyptian sun God.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, no, he didn't have a lot of equipment. R.A. yes, I'm in.

[Pete Holmes]

R.A. on your SNL audition, you tried Obama.

[Lamorne Morris]

I did.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I only interview you in terrible freestyle. I actually watch because my YouTube knows I like freestyle videos. I do.

[Lamorne Morris]

It.

[Pete Holmes]

Showed me one, and I love Eminem, but it was bad. It was almost like. This is my point is, like, no one's perfect all the time. You do an amazing Denzel. I'm not priming you to do it. I just mean, like, even Denzel does some shit and you're like, that was so stupid.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Every day.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We just don't see it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Of course not.

[Pete Holmes]

This goes back to what I was saying. I think about what makes people laugh. Denzel. They only keep the parts in.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Where he was good.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, could you imagine the outtakes from Training Day that didn't make it. Yes. I'm. I'm the.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm the metal Godzilla. The director, like, just crawling. He'll get it. He'll get it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Dracula.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know, what are you gonna do? That's.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they cut it out and they make you look amazing. 100% amazing. It's a ruse.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's why I always fuck the editors.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you got it.

[Lamorne Morris]

You gotta do.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta sleep with them.

[Lamorne Morris]

You gotta sleep with the editors.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta take about.

[Lamorne Morris]

People talk about sleeping with directors and casting directors. No, the editors.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. Go right to the source. That's actually true. If I meet an editor on a movie, that's the first person I go up and I'm like, thank you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause they did it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

They really did do it. They did. They did it. And they cut out. And I've been in things where I've watched another actor struggling, and the editor fucking makes them look better. In fact, have you noticed the phenomenon that often the. In the project, who's worst on set is best on the show?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you noticed this?

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they're like, wild card.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they give you so many weird things. They can't remember their lines. They're not on their mark.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They change the scene, but not in a good way. Like, they fucked it up a lot of people. Because on crashing, a lot of the people were comedians, they weren't actors. But they cut together beautifully. Because they were nuts.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You've noticed that?

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, I notice it all the time. You know, And I wouldn't even say that they're bad. Like, they're acting poorly. They're just wild cards.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Lamorne Morris]

And they. And it's like, you don't know. Because I improvise a lot. But there are others who improvise. Like Jake Johnson, for example, improvises with the best of them. And there are times where you have to keep up. So him, if you're back in the new girl days. If it's him, Damon, Max, myself in a scene, you're like, I may as well not even read the script. Because Jake is gonna say something that's so far left. Max is gonna mispronounce words. Damon's gonna pull his butt out. Like, there's gotta be something so irreverent.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

That you have to just follow it and go with it. And then when you watch the show back, the editors, I think Steve Welch. Steve Welch was our editor. He will piece it together. And obviously with the help of directors in such a beautiful way where you're like, man, it's like this. It's like a great art to have to be able to pull what is.

[Pete Holmes]

The scene and what isn't. It's like sculpting. Right. You remove everything that isn't David. But they're like. When you're looking at the raw footage, so many of us would just be like, well, that whole thing was funny. But he's like, no, just a little. It's like a song.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

One. Cause bullshit. And I mean good bullshit. Like Jake saying some bullshit has a sound to it. You can kind of tell he's trying to make you laugh. That can't be the whole thing. Then it becomes masturbatory. But if you. If you season the scene with these little moments, but then keep the dialog intact. Now you're cooking.

[Lamorne Morris]

Now you're cooking. And it takes a great editor, especially an editor who has a great relationship with the director.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because they're all. They're helping you sculpt it. And if it's done beautifully, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The.

[Lamorne Morris]

The most. The biggest lunatic on set will come off looking.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

And the one time they say it or they save it in ADR or something. And that kind of. It has. In the past, I've had to make peace with. And there were just people on Crashing that, like, you built the performance in the editing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that would. It would make me resent them because I'm like, they didn't do it. And then we made it look like you did it. But then I was like, who fucking cares? There's so many people. You know what I mean? Like, that's their special thing. Not everybody needs to, like, do it properly on the day. Is that the most electric thing? Not always.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'll tell you, I worked with. I've worked with some pretty big actors who you're watching in real time, and they have this iconic library of films. And when you're watching them, it ain't. It ain't what? It ain't as beautiful as you thought.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

And they saw how the sausage was made. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And you're like, oh. But then you watch the movie and you go, well, that's a movie star.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because I don't know how you can say who it was. Go ahead.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, here's one. Here's one thing that is a guy who I admire so much, and I think he's mastered the art of the filmmaking business and is a classically trained dope actor. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel has these big blockbuster hits, hit after hit after hit after hit. And when I did a movie called Bloodshot with him, and there are some scenes that calls for a back and forth. And because he's an actor actor, he's. He's actually like doing the scene. And then there are moments where he's also thinking as a businessman, where there'll be a scene where he'll do a moment, he'll have a moment, and then he'll stop and reset himself and do like a movement and then just give like a look over his shoulder and then just say, like, I don't know what the fuck he was doing.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in the edit bay.

[Lamorne Morris]

He's in the edit bay.

[Pete Holmes]

He's thinking ahead. He's thinking of the trailer. He's playing five dimensional chess. Oh.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'll tell you, he. One time in particular, I had a line to him and then. And I'd done the scene, like, maybe like two or three times, different coverages. And then he goes, all right, let's go again. But this time when you say it, the second part of that line, just slow down. Just. Just really slow. It's not going to feel natural. Just go really slow. And I say it to him and he goes, that's the trailer. And I was like, huh, Vinnie, it is such a. It is. It's not theater. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, when you watch an action mov.

[Lamorne Morris]

Drama. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'm watching. I'm like, on set. That had to be so weird.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where it's what we're talking about. You. You're about to jump out of the plane and you look over your shoulder and go, I make this look incredible.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that makes sense when there's music and score and the camera's pushing in, but on the day, you're just some fucking dumbass.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that, to me, seems to be, like, the job.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, sorry, this is selfish. I use wonderful actors such as yourself, as my own. Like, you can hear what I'm working on as an actor based on what I ask about. And, like, one of the things that has really come into my. The forefront of my acting considerations is, like, get over how you're being perceived. Like, your job is to embarrass yourself.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And your job is to not. I've said this a million, but I'm saying it to you. It used to be my number one consideration was be most well liked.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Second was be funniest. No. No matter what the part was, be the funniest and the quickest. That goes in. Number two, like, show everyone how fucking shiny you are. Yeah. So be the best most liked and be the quickest. Funniest. Number three is do the scene. It's like, serve the movie. And now I'm seeing why you flip that. But you're doing something like Fargo, and now you're doing, like, real stuff. Like, you have to give a look to that dude that says, I'm gonna. I'll kill you. Try me. That had to feel kind of stupid.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, 100% right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mean you didn't feel like. You felt like it was stupid, but, you know, these guys just took lunch. Now there's a camera guy.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you look like you're going to kill somebody. Everyone knows the gun's fake. This guy's an actor. Your friends in real life.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean? Guy.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a sweet guy. And how much of the job. And I'm going to shut up because I really do want to hear your answer. Is how much of the job of acting is getting over that. Like, not thinking in the small, but thinking that's the trailer or that's the movie.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's a big part of that. Because I did learn that from Vin working on that movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

That there. There are other parts. You don't get paid to make a movie. You get paid to sell it. So there are other parts where you want to make sure it looks a certain way for the consumer.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very Schwarzenegger, too.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was, like, big into the. Like, how to market it, how to advertise and just shoot in that way. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Keep going. Yeah. 100%. And I. And I think that's Necessary in order to keep working. Because we all want to be in control of our careers. We want to be the marquee name so we can pick and choose what we do and how long we want to do it for. But the, you know, I look at theater, for example. Theater is acting at its purest form. For actors who want to get started in the business, for actors who just love it, who are just so passionate. That's why you see folks like Denzel still doing theater continuously. You know, being on that stage to get that, it's like doing stand up. It's like the audience, what the audience gives you.

[Pete Holmes]

There's nothing better.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't fake it. You can't think. Once Denzel or anybody got a taste.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you gonna.

[Lamorne Morris]

You can't.

[Pete Holmes]

You get a different rush on a movie or even on a set, a TV set.

[Lamorne Morris]

100%. I've only done stand up a few times in my life. I'm obsessed with it. And I've only been on State. Like, I've only done maybe like 5 shows, but I go, it's the fucking greatest thing. I go, I see why people don't stop.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's like you get laughs and you're like, I have a 10 inch dick.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you 10 inch.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's a massive one. I'm scaring people with it. Like, it's back.

[Pete Holmes]

But that, that's. You're absolutely right. There's nothing quite like it.

[Lamorne Morris]

And your response to when I said that was almost like, well, that's small.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean your dick shrunk a little bit?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, no, the one that would be. You like, do you have a foot long penis?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I'm saying. I was, I was going with it. Like, I was like, oh, you mean a tennis dick? Like, you get a little scared, kind of retreats a little bit.

[Lamorne Morris]

God damn it.

[Pete Holmes]

10 inches. Me post cold pool.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes. No, I.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. They're also your laughs. Yeah, there's something about. I like doing other people's material. That's actually my favorite thing. I don't know if you've ever. My favorite thing that I think about. I'm like, what I really want is I want someone else writing something incredible that I can then elevate. Like, I can add to it everything. So much of what I've done is me writing it. And that's a different thriller. Stand up is amazing because they're your laughs, but I like doing other people's stuff. But then when you go and do stand up and it's all yours. But also the failure is all yours too.

[Lamorne Morris]

The failure is all yours. There's no one to blame but you.

[Pete Holmes]

No one to blame.

[Lamorne Morris]

Can't blame the sound guy, man. The mics were fucked up. Yeah. What's wrong with you?

[Pete Holmes]

Terrible sound guy.

[Lamorne Morris]

Terrible sound guy, but.

[Pete Holmes]

So you are obsessed with stand up even though you've only done it a couple times. Yeah, because of that rush.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because of that rush.

[Pete Holmes]

And those were my words. It's your laughs. What was it for you? The immediacy? What was.

[Lamorne Morris]

Was knowing that I worked on writing this joke and when I got on stage, people were like, that's hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Holy shit. And then it's when you're. And then when the show's done, there's this immediate like. Well, I mean that again, that's why they.

[Pete Holmes]

There was like a big cocaine problem. I'm not trying to be funny. It's like people are trying to chase your body. Just made cocaine. Yeah, you made it. And now you're like, I need something that feels like that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

For me, it was never that. It was always like, I'll go eat a cupcake or something. Like, that's still a struggle. Like, you're just dopamine. You know when you like scroll on Instagram and then you notice you're hungry.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or you're horny. Your brain is just going more field.

[Lamorne Morris]

Going.

[Pete Holmes]

Up on the. Okay. Cupid. I know the app some out there.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You've been cheating on my wife. Don't worry about it. Raya. Is it Raya?

[Lamorne Morris]

It's Raya.

[Pete Holmes]

I pretend I don't know.

[Lamorne Morris]

I've seen you on Ryan Big Daddy Homes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's awkward. Yeah, it's awkward when you're cheating on your spouse and like, you. You're kind of a known person and people see you and aren't you like, known to be a married person? You're like, yeah, that's just fake. Yeah, that's marketing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, marketing. Got to stay married for the. For the fans.

[Pete Holmes]

For the fans. Ring don't mean a thing.

[Lamorne Morris]

But no, what I mean is, what I mean by the, you know, going back to the film element is that when you're on set, you're. You're taking some of that, the purest form of acting with you. Obviously.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

But there's another element to it now. Now the element is. It's creating, it's putting a puzzle together.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

There's this 95 page script. We have to shoot a bunch of stuff, put it together and see what Works. Some of it might not work. So we're going to try different takes and different versions of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Theater, you don't have that luxury. So when I see someone like Vin, who will stop and start a scene every once in a while just to make sure he's sculpting it for marketing purposes, I applaud that, because I go, he's looking at the aft. He's looking at the. He's looking at post in real time.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. Well, Fast and Furious. That's not an accident. Like, I think people look down on it. Maybe I've even looked down on it. I think there's a difference between Mission Impossible and Fast and Furious. That's all. Yeah, there's. And they know it's like a different thing. They're going a different way. The stunts are a little bit more outrageous. Yeah, they know. But it's not a mistake. Nobody's making 12 movies.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes. There's a lot by accident. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So Vinnie D would stop a scene and just kind of go, what?

[Lamorne Morris]

He will stop it. I give you a moment. There is one scene where him and I are having this conversation inside of a camper, the end of the movie, and he just. The line is, thank you, Wiggins. And then he leaves. Now, in his brain, he's probably going, does that line work? I don't know. Does it look cooler over my left shoulder than over my right shoulder? I don't know. So he'll stop and start and give the editor five, six, seven options.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

In that one moment, while I'm just sitting there like this. And he'll just stop and go, thanks. Thank you, Wiggins. Wiggins, my man. And he'll just, like, try these different versions, and I'm dead. And if initially I was like, what's he doing? But then I thought, I mean, he is brilliant like he is. And then I do his credit. I then look at that when I'm filming.

[Pete Holmes]

Now, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'll go back sometimes to a director and go, can I try it one more way? And I'll try. I'll do the scene, I'll play the scene, and I'll look at subtext and all these different things of how I feel I could be. But as long as it looks natural and real and all those things. And then. And then I'll go back and I'll go, but commercially, what looks cooler? And then I'll stop it. I'll say, let me try. Let me try one more thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then I'll come back and I'll do a cooler take. And sometimes it gets used, sometimes it doesn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, if you're making a mosaic, why not just make as many tiles as you can? There are other types of filmmakers. Like, I'm thinking, like Clint Eastwood does, like two takes and just keep moving.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a different style. It gives you a different kind of movie. But when you are in the edit, you know, it reminds me of Adam McKay and it reminds me of Judd Apatow. The guys that are yelling out alts.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because these guys are going, we don't know. I'll tell you one of the things Jed told me, actually. He's like, what they would do. And you see it. Yeah, you see it in everything. I just saw Moana too. They do it in Moana too.

[Lamorne Morris]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

It's the biggest laugh in the movie. Excuse me. It was the Grinch. I have a six year old. I watch a lot. It was the Grinch. The biggest laugh in that movie is there's a reindeer and it's a little reindeer and it screams. It doesn't. It doesn't make a regular reindeer sound. It goes. It's a really funny scream. Movie ends. It's panning out. There he is. He screams. And we cut to black, it's done. So Judd told me they would. They'd screen the movie, whatever the biggest laugh was. They'd do reshoots and call it back in the end. Now that, I mean, we've already. You probably already knew that, but it's like, watch any movie, any comedy. That's what they're doing. It's crazy. And you're like, how did they know? They didn't know.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. They.

[Pete Holmes]

Vin Diesel, that they're just shooting a bunch of shit.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then putting it together. But Vin's trying to do it without the reshoot fee.

[Lamorne Morris]

Probably. My man Wiggins, he's smart. That man is smart.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm telling you, I would bring this in under budget.

[Lamorne Morris]

Under budget.

[Pete Holmes]

Under budget.

[Lamorne Morris]

That leftover goes to me, which is what I mean when I say, like, I don't look at. I don't look at actors like that. As, as, as crazy. Now I go, no, you're just smart. Like, you're just. You just understand the business in a way that I didn't understand before.

[Pete Holmes]

I worked with someone who worked with Keanu Reeves. Welcome to the Thunderdome. I got that secondhand. It wasn't me, but they were doing a scene with Keanu Reeves and he did it, then he did it again. And then he stopped and went Wait. And then he, like, reset himself and he went. And it was some dumb line. It was probably on this podcast, the story. He went, like what? I don't know. Like just a normal line. And then he did it that way. And he went. That's the one. He was also in the edit.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And thinking ahead, he was Vinnie. Ding it. Did you ever go to Vin's house? I'm pretty obsessed with Vin Diesel. I'm realizing as I'm chatting with you.

[Lamorne Morris]

I've never gone to his house. I don't know if Vin likes me. What? I love him. Yeah. I don't. Here's the thing. I. I don't. I think he likes me. I just don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Does he love me?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Vin, I know you like me. Do you love me? No. And here's why. And this is.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's a couple. You have his number?

[Lamorne Morris]

No. That's what I was about to say. Doesn't follow me on social media.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not him.

[Lamorne Morris]

Don't have his number.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna dismiss the first one.

[Lamorne Morris]

There's him.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it is.

[Lamorne Morris]

He posted of. I was. One day, we were at adr, he was sitting down, we were talking, and he takes a video and he starts talking about the movie with me. Oh, you're gonna love this kid in the movie. Blah, blah, blah. And he posted it on his Instagram, so I'm not sure how often he's.

[Pete Holmes]

Tagging you, but it's not coming up because he doesn't follow you.

[Lamorne Morris]

And he's like, that might be true.

[Pete Holmes]

I think, what if he doesn't know your name? Like, what if it's been this whole time and it's too late? He's only called you Wiggins now he's like, I can't ask this guy his name.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. You know, because he always calls me Chi Town.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go.

[Lamorne Morris]

He probably doesn't know my name.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I think we cracked it. Vin Diesel does like you. He just isn't sure what your name is.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I could.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that.

[Pete Holmes]

He could have read the credits he puts on his readers during the credits.

[Lamorne Morris]

He goes, ah, Vin doesn't stick around for the credits. He leaves.

[Pete Holmes]

So you don't know if he, like. No text, no social?

[Lamorne Morris]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Never got his number?

[Lamorne Morris]

No. And here's what I. And here's.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, he looks like he would always talk on a sat phone. Vin Diesel looks like he shouldn't just be on an iPhone. Vin Diesel. He should have a satellite phone.

[Lamorne Morris]

He doesn't need any interruptions. No, he needs to.

[Pete Holmes]

I always have service.

[Lamorne Morris]

Whenever I'm calling world leader dignitaries, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Know, I feel like he just breaks out perfect Mandarin. I wouldn't put it past him.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, I saw all my movies.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw all my movies.

[Lamorne Morris]

But he. What I did one day. I don't know. This is what I mean by. I don't think he likes me. Can't wait, because I could be wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna decide today.

[Lamorne Morris]

I. I once trolled him on social media, but in a positive way, I thought.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You remember that. That picture that he posted with. What he posted of the Rock when he's trying to get the Rock to come back to Fast and Furious? Well, he had posted. He had this plea to the Rock and said, listen, we're family. We're brothers. My kids look up to you. They call you Uncle Dwayne.

[Pete Holmes]

Just the last line of every Fast and Furious story. You just copied and pasted it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Drive your car.

[Pete Holmes]

You got to drive a stand. Helps with the control. I interviewed the Fast and Furious guest for one of them, and I said, when it cuts to the inserts of your feet on the clutch, are those your feet? Ludacris laughed like I was an idiot. He had no idea who I was, so he didn't know I was joking. But, yeah, keep going, Steve.

[Lamorne Morris]

You crazy, Steve. Oh, man. So.

[Pete Holmes]

So he posted, said, we're family. Come on. They call you Uncle Dwayne? Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

It was all this stuff, you know, and so. And I was excited. I was like, shit.

[Pete Holmes]

The Rock.

[Lamorne Morris]

Back in the moolah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I like the franchise.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

But then later on, I was wondering why we weren't getting a sequel to Bloodshot.

[Pete Holmes]

So did it do well? I'm not trying.

[Lamorne Morris]

It did well On Demand. We were the last movie during the pandemic. Like, we. Our premiere was about to be canceled because they had started shutting theaters down.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Lamorne Morris]

But the studio was like, well, let's just release it anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And, like, the theaters were shut down, of course. So we went straight to.

[Pete Holmes]

You still win an Oscar.

[Lamorne Morris]

We didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

No Oscar.

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't think we were even nominated.

[Pete Holmes]

No category?

[Lamorne Morris]

No category. I mean, visually.

[Pete Holmes]

Visual effects alone, great. Visually, look at my shoulders.

[Lamorne Morris]

I thought there were great performances in the movie.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I actually saw that tour you gave of your house, and you said, that's Bloodshot. It's the greatest action movie ever made. And you seem to believe it. I'm not. Again, I haven't seen it. So I'm not questioning.

[Lamorne Morris]

To be fair, it's the only action movie I've ever made.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

So. Just going to say that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

Just going to listen. I got. We ride together, we die together.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Once you're in a Vin Diesel movie, you're obligated. You're in the family now.

[Lamorne Morris]

Listen.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're not. Tell me. Tell me what happened.

[Lamorne Morris]

So I posted a photo of us, and I. I just. I just rewrote what he had written to the Rock, but I wrote it to him.

[Pete Holmes]

To put you in the movie?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, to. To make Bloodshot two. I was like, come on. Like, the people need us. They've been calling for it. My daughter, she's never met you, but she calls you Uncle Vin. You know, we tried to. I said, we reached out to that tree and I said, we knew we couldn't get you, so we reached out to that tree in Guardians of the Galaxy, but he was busy, so we reached that back out to you. So hopefully, you know, you and I. But I was doing it in a way which I thought he would think was funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And I don't think so, because then I was sent a gift in the first of all, like, some producers hit me up and they were like, are you good with Vin? Or. I was like, what do you mean? They were like, that's like a. You might want to take that down. I was like, oh, no, I'm just being funny. Like, I thought I got, like, what? I don't have a problem. What do you mean? And they were like, they didn't get the bit. I was like, do you remember the picture he posted? They were like, no. And I was like, go look at the thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then people kind of understood it. And I was like, I think he would understand it. I get a big box in the mail from Vin with a bow on it or from his company, One Race Pictures. I open it.

[Pete Holmes]

One Race.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, well, he's multiracial, but, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, like human race.

[Lamorne Morris]

Human race.

[Pete Holmes]

It does sound kind of like there should be one race. You know what I mean? I'm not saying that's what he means, but I'm not calling my company One Race Pictures.

[Lamorne Morris]

Aryan race.

[Pete Holmes]

What the.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, but he.

[Pete Holmes]

One Race. Oh, God, that's too real. That gave me the Willy Joys.

[Lamorne Morris]

But no, he. Then I then opened the box. It's big Christmas box.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

But in it is a plat. Like a pad. A phone charger. That's just a pad.

[Pete Holmes]

Like A The kind you put your phone.

[Lamorne Morris]

Just put your phone on.

[Pete Holmes]

Big box, big box inside, small. So it's like a joke? Yeah, it's like, oh, shit. This is gonna be like a 3D printer or something.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm thinking it's gonna be a damn Ferrari. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

This box is big family now. Yeah. You know how to drive a standard? Let me do that again. You know how to drive. Hey, Wiggins. You know how to drive a standard? And you open it, and there's a charging battery.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's why I was like, oh, he doesn't like me. I think I up.

[Pete Holmes]

How big is the box? Are you sure it was a joke, or was it just an oversight at the one True Race production company?

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't know. I don't. It was the box. I'm not exaggerating when I say the box was probably, like, a good half this size. Probably, like, it'd be like this big, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, the size of that cushion. Half the cushion.

[Lamorne Morris]

Half the cushion.

[Pete Holmes]

And there was a little thing in it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, about this. The pad is about this big and.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing else in it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Nothing else in it. And I was so.

[Pete Holmes]

Card. No voiceover in your head.

[Lamorne Morris]

Fuck you. That's what I thought it said.

[Pete Holmes]

Lamorne, it's me. Remember that tweet you did?

[Lamorne Morris]

You might want to charge your phone because it's gonna be plenty more tweets where that comes from.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, there is kind of a. There's gotta be something. There's a corollary.

[Lamorne Morris]

There's gotta be.

[Pete Holmes]

You're out there tweeting on your phone. You better charge up.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, so I don't know. I don't know if he likes me or doesn't like me, but I love him. So I don't know if that's a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a friend who, again, secondhand, who did a movie with Joaquin Phoenix. I was actually cut out of that movie. And he said he would text Joaquin. They got close, and Joaquin would just text him pages and pages of giraffe facts. So what does that have to do with the story you just told me? Famous people are crazy. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not saying bad crazy. I'm saying they're eclectic. Eccentric, kooky.

[Lamorne Morris]

I feel like there's a reason that you could get to that level of creativity.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. The veil is thinner.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, they're 100%.

[Pete Holmes]

They're porous.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're grabbing it. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Cause you see, I'm working with Nic Cage right now. Couldn't be a more normal person. Hey, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, man. Great to meet you. Love, new girl, Zooey Deschanel. She's great. Anyway, let's go.

[Lamorne Morris]

Fuck you.

[Pete Holmes]

Nick Cage was on point today. That came out better than that. And it's usually horrible, so.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah. No, he's one of those guys that I. Because I had these previous experiences with certain folks, I was like. Because his reputation is so broad and out there, I go, I wonder. I wonder what this will be like, working with him. Couldn't be a more generous actor. He's as kind as they come, really. I mean, like, what.

[Pete Holmes]

He'll be like, how's Lamorne being framed right now?

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, Snow. He'll go, he'll look like if I do something, like if I try something, There are moments where I go, like I said, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna try something else in this moment. And I'll go and try it. And he'll go, he'll go, he'll. I'll do it. And then when I'm done, he'll. He'll, like, wink at me, go, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. That was good. That's pretty good. That was pretty good. And I go, thank you. And it's. And he's open about his. Like, we talk about personal stuff. He's very, you know, he's. He's upfront about advice that he, you know, if he sees something, he, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

What'S a piece of advice? I love. I collect the advice.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, he, you know, actually, one of his pieces of advice, he didn't really tell me. He just did it and don't eat Supermarket trip.

[Pete Holmes]

They say it's pre cooked. I don't trust it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Ralph's sushi isn't real sushi.

[Pete Holmes]

Ralph's sushi. I'd rather eat airport sushi.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'd rather eat an airport. No, he.

[Pete Holmes]

I could eat a peach for hours. What was that movie Face Off?

[Lamorne Morris]

Was it Face Off?

[Pete Holmes]

It might have been. Katie, you're too generous to look up what is. I could eat a peach for hours. I could eat a peach.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, but I watched. I had asked him about his.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Face Off.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, I watched him about his. His preparation. Because he knows everything about the script, like if episodes in advance. He knows the dialogue, he knows the lines from front to back and even back to front.

[Pete Holmes]

What does that mean? He can say them backwards.

[Lamorne Morris]

He can say the. The last line and the line that comes before that. And the line comes up into the first line. He Knows. If you say one, he knows exactly where in the script. That is.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. He's such a student still of the craft. And so without telling me his advice, he gave me advice.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, you.

[Lamorne Morris]

He's like, you're. The work doesn't. He's like, you need to know this, the script, in such a way before the work even begins. And I'm like, holy shit. And I look at him, I look at myself, and I go, I got work to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I got work to do. That is, again, as I'm developing still as an actor and as a privilege to develop as an actor while you're being an actor, that's a privilege and I'm grateful. But, like, sometimes I just watched something I was in and I was like, oh, I should have done more script work. Cause sometimes I'm just rolling in and doing the scene and, like, it sounds like someone like Nick Cage would know the scene that came before the scene, that comes after three scenes before. You know what I mean? And that sounds like the most obvious thing in the world. But you know what it's like sometimes when you get in the rhythm. You've been on a shoot for two months, you just go and do the scene. And you didn't take the moment to go, like, wait, in the scene before this, I was crying. I should look like I was just crying. That's not the true example. But, like, sometimes it doesn't carry over. It sounds like Nick Cage is the opposite of that.

[Lamorne Morris]

He's the opposite of a lazy actor.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because you don't even have to be lazy. There are moments in which you do get lazy or complacent. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And you don't do the full scope of the work for that scene because you know it. You know the character, you know your lines and you just play it. But then a director will have to come in and remind you of what happened this year.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what happened in my case, by the way. The director was like, you were crying. Oh, right. Oh, my bad. I know. Yeah. That was just for fun. That one was for us, Nick.

[Lamorne Morris]

You don't have to remind me.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are you laughing? Does that want to be the most well liked?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes. And funniest. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And third, your movie.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So Nick Cage was.

[Lamorne Morris]

You don't have to remind him.

[Pete Holmes]

How did you know he knew it backwards? Would he do that?

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, we talked about it. He said that you have to know the words front to back. Literally know them this way. Just. That's what you. That's his process.

[Pete Holmes]

And then also that way. That way.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's his process.

[Pete Holmes]

I wonder if he sees it visual, like, if he's like that kind of learner.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm still picking his brain.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And you know what's crazy? The great thing about being on a shoot with somebody that you admire like that. Let's say I was on that same shoot with Vin. I would have. He would have been annoyed with me because I would have been picking his brain non stop.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's what I get out of these things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because I'm gonna go on and do my own stuff after we work together.

[Pete Holmes]

You keep this up, you're gonna get another cel phone charger. Back away.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm like, hey, man, I'm picking your brain. I don't give a what you say. Yeah, you know, I'm going be in your trailer.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the trailer, but he's pointing to your trailer.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's over there, like, oh, this triple banger. All right, I'll go in there.

[Pete Holmes]

So. Okay. Nick Cage. That's incredible. I love that. I love that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then Hambone, you worked with Johnny Ham. I. I saw somewhere and I didn't watch the clip because I wanted to hear it from you, that you met Jon Hamm on mushrooms. Is this. Is this real?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true.

[Lamorne Morris]

Chappelle had. He would do these summer camps where these, like, during the pandemic, where these comics would come out and go on stage and, you know, tell jokes and literally on a farm, he built this. Yeah, yeah. In Ohio. So I went out there a couple times, and one of the times that I was out there, there was this lady who was like, making this specialized shroom tea, and apparently I was the only one who wanted some because I. I'd never done it. I was like, I want.

[Pete Holmes]

Ooh, you had never done Russians?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I was like, I want to trip. I want to do some weird. I want to see shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And I'm assuming everybody else is doing it as you're chugging, but I'm assuming everybody else has probably done it. It.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I see.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, you know what I mean? But, like, so I'm assuming. Yeah, they've done it. They're clearly gonna accept this tea from this woman. Yeah, the strange woman that no one can recall, but she was there, gave me this tea. And all I remember is Tiffany Haddish was telling a joke. She told this one joke, and her joke was, y' all ever wonder what happened to Grace Jones? That is Sergi Baka. And I. When I say was in tears, do you know who Sergio Baca is?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Lamorne Morris]

Sergio. Basketball player. Former basketball player. He's got the cheekbones like Grace Jones.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Lamorne Morris]

If you put the picture of the two up side by side, I was in tears.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

And at the time, it was the funniest joke. So I kept asking her to tell it again, and she did. And then I just kept saying, please, Tiffany, just say it one more time. And at this point, everybody's looking at me like, yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[Pete Holmes]

Be cool.

[Lamorne Morris]

Be cool, dude.

[Pete Holmes]

Be cool.

[Lamorne Morris]

I was like. And I mean, when I say tears, I'm laughing so hard, and everybody's like, what the fuck? Michael Che is there, and he's going, nigga, stop.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And John is sitting right next to me, and I'm like, holy shit, man. I'm sitting next to Jon Am right now. This shit is crazy. And then he goes. He looks at me, and in Dave's backyard, he has these red neon lights. And in Dave's backyard, it's, like, glowing. It's bouncing off the thing. It's everything. And right behind. Right behind him, there's this red aura. And Jon Hamm goes, maybe you should get some water. And I lost it.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it looked like the devil.

[Lamorne Morris]

He. I immediately, in that moment, thought he is Satan and he is trying to kill me by drowning me. I'm like, why? Are you suggesting I go drink water? How much water should I drink? All of it, John. And I was lost my mind. I got up and I walked away. I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go get some water. And I walked away, off into the forest.

[Pete Holmes]

Every mushroom story has some point where you walk off into the forest. You have to.

[Lamorne Morris]

I was. I saw deer. I was like, wait, for real? Yeah, yeah. No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I walked tripping deer.

[Lamorne Morris]

I just walked that way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And I was. And when I say freaking out, I was freaking out. But I was also, like, on a mission. I just knew that I had to get away from John Hamm, because I was like, if the devil's that way, you go that way. Because that's what the Bible says.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, so that's what happened.

[Pete Holmes]

And what did you do once you were in the woods? I sat.

[Lamorne Morris]

I sat by a tree for a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

And you just wrote it out?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you having a good time? That sounds like it might be an amazing time.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, once I. No, not originally.

[Pete Holmes]

Paranoia.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I hear that possibility as well. But maybe I was hoping for you to get away from the worst place for me to be on mushrooms. Just one of them has to be with a red light. Jon Hamm, Tiffany Haddish, who thinks you're being weird. Michael Shea, who wants you to get it under control. Then you go to the woods and you're like, this is where the mushrooms wanted me to be. Yes, Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

Eventually it got to that point, that place.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because it was. When I say pitch black, it was so dark, but I knew maybe, you know, five, 600ft that way, people are there. That's safety. My car is there. Yeah. There.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And maybe about an hour, I. I think I sat by at the tree. In about an hour, I went back to my car, sat in my car for a while, fell asleep maybe for about 30 minutes, got up and was like, what the. I'm gonna go home. And I just drove maybe three blocks to my hotel.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa.

[Lamorne Morris]

And that was it. And yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's incredible. This episode is brought to us by our friends at the Perfect Jean. Literally, the only jeans that I wear, which pretty much makes them the only pants that I wear. I hate hard pants. I love the perfect jean because they look fantastic. They're built fantastically and they have a little bit of stretch, meaning these are comfortable, soft pants that look good. You don't have to wear, you know, like some sting pant or like a Phil Collins pajama pant. You can just wear amazing looking jeans that give you a little bit of stretch. They got 2% spandex, 2.5% rayon for extra comfort and movement that your man parts require. Especially now, around the holidays, you're going to be watching football games, you're going to be watching movie marathons. You're going to be going up for seconds and thirds from your holiday table. You might even fall asleep in your pants. If you're like me and you're gonna want them to be the perfect gene, they are liberating over 400,000 men's balls. 400,001, including me. And you can get 15% off with our code BABYBUNS15, it's finally time to stop crushing your balls in uncomfortable jeans by going to ThePerfectGene NYC. That's. That's J E A N the Perfect Gene NYC. Our listeners get 15 off your first order plus free shipping, free returns, and free exchanges. When you use code BABY BUNS15, that's 15 off new customers at ThePerfectGene NYC with promo code BABY BUNS. 15 after you purchase, they're gonna ask where you heard about them. Please say our show. Support our show. Support your balls, support your pants look good, your khakis and get the perfect gene. Little sniff there for accent. We're also brought to us by our friends at Armor. I was just putting armor in my smoothie this morning and thinking this is a perfect gift for someone you don't know what to get for. Because who doesn't want to be healthier, feel better, look better and just kind of get that glow that Colostrum gives you. But you know, maybe they don't know about it. If you have somebody on your list that's very hard to get a gift for, I'm one of those kinds of people. Get them some armor. Colostrum. I am obsessed with ways to strengthen my immunity and my gut health as well as fitness, endurance, metabolism as well as hair and skin radiance, also reducing bloat, fortifying gut health, igniting your metabolism. That's the main thing I notice when I take my armor every day, which I do, I feel lighter in my belly. It just kind of equalizes the whole environment down there and I feel fantastic. It also stabilizes my blood sugar, it accelerates fat burning. It really is a superfood. It, it fuels your fitness, performance and recovery. Armor Colostrum is a proprietary concentrate of bovine colostrum. It's just a powder, doesn't taste like anything. They do have some flavored. I really like their blood orange flavor in the packets. That's really fantastic. But IT harnesses over 400 living bioactive nutrients that rebuild the barriers of the body and fuel cellular health for a host of research backed health benefits. And it couldn't be easier to take. There's no taste. You can take it in water, you can put it in your smoothie, you can just throw it in your mouth. That's what I do sometimes. Totally natural, sustainable, grass fed in the US and they guarantee the highest potency and bioavailability of any Colostrum on the market. For results you can actually see and feel and both Val and I actually see and feel those results. For real? For real. We worked out a special offer for weirdos. Get 15 off your first order. Go to tryarmora.com weird or enter weird to get 15 off. That's t R Y A R m r a.com weird. Back to the show. Going back to what we were saying about Nick Cage, I realized that there was something that we didn't talk about. I was just talking to a Friend of mine, he's like, we were talking about ayahuasca earlier, but like he said, there's something that really blew my mind. He was like, you know, with schizophrenic people and, and people that have what we label as a mental illness, it's like we medicate them and we sequester them, we institutionalize them and we sedate them, basically. And there. It's because I'm listening to this podcast called the, the Telepathy Tapes, which is incredible. And it's about non verbal autistic people that can, that have telepathy. It's unbelievable, dude. It's a must. Listen. You have to listen to it, okay. And go in with all your skepticism because it's, it's, that's the best way to enjoy it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll go nuts. So we were talking about it when he said it, he was like, yeah, in jungle cultures, if you were like, if the veil was really thin and you had, like, access to, like, you were saying, creativity, but all sorts of weird spiritual gifts, they made you a shaman. Like, the old shaman would like, train you and you'd be, dude, shamans are freaky dudes. It's not some guy named Keith in Santa Monica talking about, like jungle Amazonian shamans. These are, these are like, away from the tribe and they're seeing shit and they're talking shit. But they would train them very mo. Like a movie. Anyway, I'm just saying, like, it's interesting that another place for people where the veil is thin, meaning your grasp of reality is a little bit different, is creativity. And that's why it's not surprising when you're talking to Nick Cage, that he can, like, look at a script two ways and like, and make such interesting choices.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because he's a shaman.

[Pete Holmes]

Because, well, I am a shaman. I'm a healer.

[Lamorne Morris]

Nick Cage is a healer.

[Pete Holmes]

Face Off.

[Lamorne Morris]

I ran into a guy the other day who said he was a healer. And I don't, I don't subscribe to that kind of thing. I could be totally wrong. Could be. I'm open to it being true. I just haven't really seen it. Sure. In action. But this guy comes up and he's. This guy coming up and he's talking to me and my sister were sitting down at a restaurant and he, when I say showed up and was just so accurate with every detail. I, I, it blew my mind.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he was reading you guys.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. He had said, he had mentioned this past month of my life has been really chaotic. Busy, but fulfilling and successful. He's like. He goes. He talked about my sister and a trial that she's going through.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, literally a trialer. Like Bible talk.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. She's. She's going to prison.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, that was very well done. No, like, it's just like a trial.

[Pete Holmes]

She's going to prison.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like tribulations.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, yeah, like that, you know, a time. And so she's figuring some things out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And. And that's something that her and I talk about all the time. He just walked up and was like, that that's gonna go away. And he's like, roughly. Around March, I think around March, they're gonna be some revelations that you're gonna figure out that's going to. You're gonna explore this and that, and it's gonna make you think differently about this and this and this. But he was very specific about the things that she was going through, even with me. And for me, I'm a little more skeptical because Google exists. And I think maybe if they know me.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

He knows that I just won an Emmy, so maybe he's like, yeah, yeah. You know, saying certain things that could, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

But he was very specific with her. He doesn't know her.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

Very accurate with her.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

And. And I mean, he was very specific with me as well, but I thought maybe that could.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to listen to the telepathy tapes. And so do you, Katie. It is fucking unbelievable.

[Lamorne Morris]

And so do you folks at home.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, for real. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Telepathy tapes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one of the most interesting things. Paradigm shifting. It actually aligned with my view of the universe already, even though I'm not super woo. But I was like, this makes sense. This tracks for me. But I'm talking about like repeatable side and 100 accuracy. Not like 30%. Even though 30%. The odds of like a 30 accuracy is like 1 to a gazillion or something.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But these guys are nailing it. They put them in tanks, they put them behind steel. And then there are endless stories where people are like, email somebody. And we're like, you were in the woods last night and this is what you prayed about. And like.

[Lamorne Morris]

But how do we. How are we confirming this?

[Pete Holmes]

That's fair. But there's lots of confirmed. That's an anecdotal one that I just told you where. It's like this kid emailed me and said what I was praying about. Yeah. You'd have to be the guy. But what's interesting about stuff like that is Time and time again, everybody, including me, you'll always be a little bit skeptical until it happens to you. And the podcast is filled with people that are like, I went in, I had this word in my head. And he took. And he typed it out. The first thing he did when he came in, he typed out the word that I had in my head. I was just like. And people are like on the verge of tears talking about this. Skeptics.

[Lamorne Morris]

You mean magicians?

[Pete Holmes]

Magicians. These guys. These guys are magicians.

[Lamorne Morris]

They're Magic Castle regulars.

[Pete Holmes]

They're all Magic Castle regulars. But some of it, not all of it, but a lot of it really holds up to. Actually, I'm gonna say a great majority of it holds up to the scientific method.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm really. I want. I want to be involved in something like this.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And here's the reason why I'm probably not. Because then I'll know it's real. And if I know it's real, I'm gonna seek out the ability to do it. And if I seek out the ability to do it and become successful at it, I'm gonna use my powers for evil.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll be right back. You think? So if you realized deep in your.

[Lamorne Morris]

Experience, can I move? Like telepathy, meaning just to communicate or.

[Pete Holmes]

To like move, read minds, that. That's psychokinesis or telekinesis.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's telekinesis. That's telemedicines.

[Pete Holmes]

Telekinesis.

[Lamorne Morris]

So telepathy just so the ability to communicate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Well, you and I could be talking and just be like, it happens. So the. I don't know, no one knows the reason, but these are non verbal, highly intelligent people stuck, you know, in their bodies, bodies that don't work or don't do what they want them to do. And they're developing this way of talking. So caretakers, teachers, parents, very close relationships. They just started. And once. And no one wanted to talk about it, but once they started talking about it, but we realized it was a worldwide phenomenon.

[Lamorne Morris]

I could buy it because whales do it. I mean, they use.

[Pete Holmes]

Dolphins do it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I could buy it to a certain degree.

[Pete Holmes]

There were that. Okay. One of my favorite stories is there was a guy who saved a tribe of elephants. They were being. They were going to be murdered basically because they were being a nuisance to the people. They were like trampling. It was dangerous elephants. So, like, we're going to kill these elephants. Their plan was in motion to kill this, like, herd of elephants. This dude had a sanctuary, went in. Now he couldn't Just go in and get them. Because they were, like, feral. They were, like dangerous elephants. And he went in and lived with them for, like, a week. I don't know the dude's name. That's. I wish I did. Let's say it was Aaron, just so I can refer to him. So Aaron goes and lives with the guy with the elephants for like a week, gets them to trust him, gets his stuff in there, gets them to go on the truck, relocates them to this, like, thousand acre preserve, right? He dies like, 10 years later. The elephants all showed up at his house. They like, his house was on the property. They hadn't visited in years. They, like, they traveled over 90 hours. They walked towards the guy's house and showed up after he died. I'm pretty sure on the day that he died, they showed up, which means they, like, were leaving knowing he was dying. Showed up, he's dead. Then here's the kicker. Every year on the anniversary of his death, they showed up.

[Lamorne Morris]

So my question is, who sent them an email to let them know about the death?

[Pete Holmes]

You don't need that email. You don't need that. And then there were ones with parrots. They had a parrot in the attic. And the woman in the basement should look at pictures and they have the audio of it. And the parrot would go like, ring, ring.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's the phone.

[Pete Holmes]

She's looking at a picture of a phone. Dude, I'm telling you, these are, like, low. This is the well liquor of this podcast. The top shelf will fucking blow your. It's paradigm shifting. It's insane.

[Lamorne Morris]

I need that ability. Well, because. And when I say powerful for evil, it's not really for evil. I'm a very shy guy in important moments. When it. When it comes to the opposite sex.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

There are some women that I have been in love with over the years that I've not told them. If I had this ability, I could just whisper in their brains, I'm behind you. What? I love you. Oh, my God. And who's that? And I could go, me with the hoodie on. They'd be like, how are you doing that? I go, imagine the other possibilities of what I can do to you.

[Pete Holmes]

This is just the beginning.

[Lamorne Morris]

This is just the beginning.

[Pete Holmes]

Inches is my pool. Well, that's funny because they would have to have telekinesis for you to do that.

[Lamorne Morris]

But I could train them if I know that it's an ability.

[Pete Holmes]

So your strategy. I can see my. Maybe you're having some difficulties. Your strategy to meet a woman is to first Train her.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

In telepathy. And then freak her out. But she can hear everyone's thoughts.

[Lamorne Morris]

And now. You got to hear me out, man. You gotta hear me out. What are the odds of two people in the same room? Say it's a thousand people in the room. The odds that two people have telekinesis. Very low.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Very rare. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Right. If. If. If I. If I meet Zoe Kravitz under the pretense that I'm gonna train her.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And guide her in something. And then once she's learning and she's figuring it out, she's like, oh, my God. Then I don't need to communicate with her. She's gonna be my wife.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's true.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's my goal in life. You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's true. Isn't she married?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't she dating someone?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, no, no, no. My friend. My friend's a soothsayer. He says that they're gonna break up soon.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's already public that her and Channing Tatum called it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's who it was.

[Lamorne Morris]

They called it quits.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're out for Zoe. Put it out there, man.

[Lamorne Morris]

Zoe, what's happening? Also, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

So let me ask you something. You'd be okay dating a mega famous Zoe Kravitz type?

[Lamorne Morris]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, it depends, because I don't know, there's like a stereotype about those women and those men who are super famous that they have. They're crazy. That they, like, we just talked about. They have these.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. Once you're kind of that. By the way, this is not a woman thing. I wouldn't want to date if I was a lady or a gay man. Channing Tatum, either. I'd just be like that. I can't be going to the Vanity Fair party every year.

[Lamorne Morris]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Lamorne Morris]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But that would be your life. So I want you to think again.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, not necessarily. Here's my logic.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Lamorne Morris]

Three years they were together.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I would see her post photos or you would see magazine things at different part. I would see her out at parties sometimes. I didn't see him. He's busy. He's got his own life.

[Pete Holmes]

I see.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm busy. I got my own to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I can't be bailing on work because of this party or that party. And it's nice to go every once in a while.

[Pete Holmes]

So you'd have your own. You'd be bento box 100.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, 100.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I meant? Yeah. 100, I think. I do not. Take your pick.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Bento box. Well, I meant some people Val and my wife were just talking about. This is like some relationships styles are like, you're over here and I'm over here, and occasionally the rice gets in the fish. And occasionally. But usually we're just over here, separate.

[Lamorne Morris]

You can just a la carte it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I like that, too. Yeah, but we're PB and J. Val and I, we're just. We're all up in each other.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, I would hope so.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how it is. Yeah, but that's what I want. Your relationship style, you don't want. This is very personal. But, like, you don't want. I saw your house, NBA Jam on the theater, then eat a lemon by the pool. Like, are you, like, a relationship guy? Meaning, like the. The life merger? Or is. And there's no judgment on this? Or is it more sat phone talking to Zoe on the way to. What is the Vin Diesel bio Blood.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, Bloodshot.

[Pete Holmes]

Bloodshot two, where Vin gives you a big hug and goes, I've been texting the wrong guy. He said it was you. Then he kisses you on both cheeks. And you get a phone from Zoe Kravitz, and she's like, I can't be at dinner because of this, by the way. That might not even be true, but is that your style, or do you want to be, like, in PJs? Are you in PJs? Are you in pj's? Or you want both?

[Lamorne Morris]

I want both, you know, because I do have to provide for my family. So a lot of times you have to go and do the song and dance. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How much money do you have?

[Lamorne Morris]

Me? Hundreds of millions. About 700 million.

[Pete Holmes]

You want seven seasons of New Girl.

[Lamorne Morris]

Each season, 100 million.

[Pete Holmes]

And you were on. I'm just saying provide for my family.

[Lamorne Morris]

This is a. Oh, no, no. I see what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I, I, I. What I mean by provide for my family. What I mean by provide for my family is. Is that you know how this business goes. If I like, you kind of have to be in a rhythm to continuously. You ride certain waves. You know, you win an award, you. Let's see what's. Let's see what. Let's see where this takes me.

[Pete Holmes]

Great, right?

[Lamorne Morris]

It was fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, then the offers.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that it?

[Lamorne Morris]

That's my point.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The real Emmy is now people know you're out There.

[Lamorne Morris]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, they already knew.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. But now and then it's kind of like. It's like a strike while the iron's hot kind of thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then, you know, and also you enjoy it. I, I love acting. I love performing. I love the song and dance of it. It's great business to be in.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's what.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Yeah. I love fans, I love all. I love. I love damn near most aspects of the business. I, I enjoy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I just don't like early call times. That's about it. But with.

[Pete Holmes]

What about night shoots?

[Lamorne Morris]

I actually don't mind night shoots that much. Yeah, you know, I don't mind it. I just hate waking up at the ass crack of dawn.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not a morning person. No, I'm that guy. If we have a 5am call, I'm there. I'm so happy.

[Lamorne Morris]

He's like, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Everybody do.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. Let's shoot this sunrise for sunset and just be done.

[Lamorne Morris]

But Zoe, you know, she, you know, she seems like a person who would be boring with you every once in a while.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I believe it. None of this had anything to do with Zoe, by the way.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, don't talk bad about her.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not dragging Zoe.

[Lamorne Morris]

Don't talk bad about her.

[Pete Holmes]

But were you married before? There's very little about. All it says is you have one kid. This is what it says about your private life on your Wikipedia page. Children, One. That's all it says.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's intentional.

[Pete Holmes]

And how old you have a daughter, though?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, she's four.

[Pete Holmes]

And so we're similar age, I mean. Six.

[Lamorne Morris]

Six. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not that far off.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, she's the, she's the wildest. Do you know you have. You said you have a son.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a daughter.

[Lamorne Morris]

Daughter of a daughter. Yeah. Is she funny?

[Pete Holmes]

She's funny. She's so funny.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's the, that's the best part of my life is watching. I know her new material.

[Pete Holmes]

You're about to. I know every parent says this because they say it to me too, but six. Holy. Like four. It finally it's here. Like you're seeing the personality. So I'm not saying you're not there.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying. But buckle up. It gets so much better.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, man.

[Pete Holmes]

And the two that. You see their attitude, you see their perspective.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She had nothing to do with it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? There it is.

[Lamorne Morris]

Here it is. This is, this is her thing. You know what I mean? And.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, how is she funny?

[Lamorne Morris]

She. She Tries out material. Like straight up jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me everything.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like straight up jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

What? Yeah, like, so she's verbal. Like, she talks. She's a talker.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Understand? Yeah, jokes.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah. And she. Her recall is crazy. Really? Like, she'll think of. So like your dad.

[Pete Holmes]

One of the best in the business.

[Lamorne Morris]

One of the best in the business.

[Pete Holmes]

Best freestyler, best memory, Best recall. Total Recall. Total Recall. He's got it. Not the Colin one. Colin was great. The penguin didn't care for the Total Recall.

[Lamorne Morris]

Love Tiger Land. But I'm not a.

[Pete Holmes]

The Banshees of Inisherin was a very moving picture. Cut to the crowd, dead silence. They're like, sorry.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, but she has these. She has these. She has all kinds of moments.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, what's a bit that she tried that. Then she refined.

[Lamorne Morris]

So let's see. Well, there's a few the other day. Wait. Damn it. Okay. Yeah, there's a few. There's like. I was just thinking of one too, because, like, when I say her recall is crazy, she'll think of a. A joke. Okay, so my sister was over and she called my friend Danielle a. But they were joking, like when they were talking. And she was like, you go, yeah, girl, you better stop.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, did people laugh when she said it?

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, no. My sister is saying this to Danielle.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know, but. Yeah, but what I've noticed with my daughter is one time. Sorry to interrupt, but my wife's auto dictating a text. This is such a dad moment. She's telling our babysitter or our house sitter to unplug the E bikes per my request because apparently it can cause a fire. Oh, that's something somebody told me. So she's going, and Pete was wondering, I know this is kind of annoying. If you could please unplug the E bikes in the garage. And then I lean over and go into someone else's voice dictated text. Apparently it can cause a fire. So it gets in the text. We all die laughing. Because that's. That's insane. It's insane to co opt and invade someone else's text. So we're all laughing. Then after that day, my daughter won't stop saying, apparently it can cause a fire. Cause that's what she noticed. So when I'm asking, when she said bitch, did they laugh? Did she go, oh, that's a funny word.

[Lamorne Morris]

No. Okay. No. So she heard her say that. Now I'm in the bathroom at this time, and then all I hear is, lily, no. And I come out. I come out of the bathroom. I go, what's going on? And Lily's in the corner smiling. And I'm like, lily, what's wrong? And she goes, I was like, wait, what? I said, wait, what? She goes, b. Why is she saying. Why is she saying this? And my sister was like, I'm so sorry. I was telling Danielle that I said, bitch. And so Lily, she just kept going, bitch. And she does it now when she does it. This happened months ago. And even. Even the other day, my. My friend was at my house with my daughter. They were going to go for a walk, and she was like, come on, Lily. She's like, come on. Lily was trying to put her shoes on. She goes, don't leave me. If you leave me, I'm gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God, she's got a card. This is advanced.

[Lamorne Morris]

I feel like before.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, she knows what's up. That's incredible. Oh, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Very manipulative, too, in a way that I have to pretend to be upset with.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're glad that she's sharp.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I feel about my daughter's toughness. I'm super soft. I'm always on Leela's side. Val laughs at that. Like, we haven't seen Leela punch somebody, but if she did, I'd be like, that kid was harassing her. Like, I just. Obviously, I have to work on that. And when it comes to negotiating with children, I see everybody's side. But personally, I'm always like, what you do? Do what you do, what you do. I just. I just can't help it. I'm obsessed with her.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't look to me for fair and balance.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, not.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm over here going, leela was right to start a fire in your kitchen. That was very creative.

[Lamorne Morris]

Your parents deserve to die. So sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I'm so rough with other kids. Like, I.

[Lamorne Morris]

With.

[Pete Holmes]

With. I love treating kids in, like, a rough uncle kind of way. It makes me so happy just messing with them. But with Lila, I'm so gentle. Similar name, by the way. Lily.

[Lamorne Morris]

Lily and Lila.

[Pete Holmes]

Four letters.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. L, I, L, Y.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice, bro.

[Lamorne Morris]

What are you?

[Pete Holmes]

L, I. L, A. Whoa.

[Lamorne Morris]

Tip. Touch.

[Pete Holmes]

So it sounds like you enjoy being a dad.

[Lamorne Morris]

Always the best.

[Pete Holmes]

Does she understand what you do now?

[Lamorne Morris]

She does.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Initially, she.

[Pete Holmes]

After the fifth screening of Game Night.

[Lamorne Morris]

She has to sit through it. This is how we pay the bills.

[Pete Holmes]

Sweetie, stay awake. It's 11pm she can get tape on her eyes.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's not abuse. I didn't hit you. I didn't hit you.

[Pete Holmes]

So now, like, people recognize you when you're with her and stuff.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. So initially, that was happening when she was too young to understand. We'd take a walk. She'd be in her stroller, and, you know, we played this game where we would just point out things. Lily, what's that tree? What's that cat? You know, she's identifying certain things. And so people would always stop us on this. This is why I lived in West Hollywood. So I'd be walking down Melrose, you know, and people would always stop and ask for a photo. And then one time, one lady asked for. It was weird. She. She was like, can I. And I. This is when I was walking with my daughter in my hand, and she said, oh, my God, Can I have a photo with you and your daughter? And I said, oh, no, no, not my. Not my daughter. And then she was like, okay. And she's getting the picture. She's putting her arm around me and my kid. And I was like, wait. I was like, hold on for a second. And Lily just. Lily just goes, that's my daddy. And then later on, she asked about who that lady was. Like, I forget what exactly what her exact words were. I said, oh, well, sometimes people ask Daddy for photos because they like Daddy. She's like, why? I go, well, Daddy's on television. And some people appreciate that, and they. They want a photo. And we'll drive down the street and have a big BMO billboard somewhere, and she'll go, daddy's famous. Daddy's famous. Like, she'll point it out. And I'm like, oh, I think she's getting it, but not quite. And then now she just knows. Yeah, she'll tell her friends at school, my daddy won a trophy. Like, holy shit.

[Pete Holmes]

And you thanked her. By the way, did Robert Downey Jr. Sign your poster?

[Lamorne Morris]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Fuck.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know my heroes, man.

[Pete Holmes]

How did he not.

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't know. I don't. He's busy.

[Pete Holmes]

For those of you. Bitch. For those of you that don't. You want another one? You can have this one.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, my God. What flavor is this?

[Pete Holmes]

I believe that's just plain. Is it cold?

[Lamorne Morris]

It's cold enough.

[Pete Holmes]

We can have a cold.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I don't do cold. No, not you. I do room temp. I do.

[Pete Holmes]

I do Denzel going. It's. It's from Ian Edwards. Not Ian Edwards.

[Lamorne Morris]

Dean Edwards.

[Pete Holmes]

Dean Edwards. Thank you, my brain.

[Lamorne Morris]

You want some hot sauce and mild sauce?

[Pete Holmes]

Hot sauce? Yeah, that's good.

[Lamorne Morris]

His Denzel is crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

His Denzel is Crazy. And since I saw him do it, I'm completely conceited. Meeting that I just lifted it from. I don't do it for money or on stage. I just go, that's you. That's you.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's you. This is Denzel meeting your girlfriend. That's you. Oh, that's you. That's you. All right.

[Lamorne Morris]

You guys lay together. You know her in the biblical sense.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

God bless. God is good all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I don't think you can legislate love. Where they were like, do you think congress should be doing more against racism? And right off the bat he goes, I don't think you can legislate love. And I was like, jesus Christ. It was like one of the most brilliant. It's kind of like a gotcha moment. They were like, it was some issue. It was like they just voted against this. And he was like, you can't legislate away hate.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, fuck. It was awesome. It's pretty good when people are who you want them to be.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, 100%.

[Pete Holmes]

When you want them to be as brilliant. I'm obsessed with the Equalizer movies. I think they're so good.

[Lamorne Morris]

I love when he just goes like this. Beep.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Lamorne Morris]

16 seconds.

[Pete Holmes]

16. They go, he about to kill you in 16 seconds. 16 seconds. Oh, and there's something he does. What? I can never fully articulate what I mean, but he does interesting acting. And there's such a fine line. You do it too much. It sucks. But he's still and he's moving. You know what I mean?

[Lamorne Morris]

He's engaging. You don't want to. Every time he's on screen, you want to be looking at him.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

He commands the entire frame.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why. Right. But there's also something. He's quiet. The blinking.

[Lamorne Morris]

You ever see his death scenes?

[Pete Holmes]

Wait.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh my God. He just won't die. He just like.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's right.

[Lamorne Morris]

He's. It's the most interesting deaths you will ever see.

[Pete Holmes]

Cuz he has to die on his terms. Well, that's Training Day.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Which?

[Lamorne Morris]

Training Day, I think Safe, Safe House with Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, but he's just like, yep, he won't die.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's something. Why is it cool? Like the blinking. You really nailed the blinking. Why is that cool? I also noticed, like, cool guys in movies, they always take their pills without water. Why is having a moist throat cool? Yeah, but it is. And that's real mammal shit. Where we go, they're lubricated they're not dying. They're not. Like, they're not. They don't need water.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's like dry throat.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like, what lions think is cool about other lions. And it made it to humans. Like, you just throw in pills and swallow it. And Denzel's quiet. I tried to do a bit about this where I was like, why is it cool to be quiet? Denzel's like, you want to go out? You want to go out?

[Lamorne Morris]

You want to get. You come out.

[Pete Holmes]

Think about it. Even when he's loud, he's kind of quiet. And then think about, like a dork. He's like, hey, guys, what's going on? They don't know the room. You just gave away their location. Everyone knows where you are. The alpha is like, we're going to go over there. There's going to be food over there.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's real primal stuff.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because he'll go. He'll. In some. There's some moments where he'll start high and then get low so you can understand what he's. So you put the emphasis on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean? You understand what I'm telling you? Understand what I'm telling you.

[Pete Holmes]

You understand what I'm telling you? You understand what I'm telling you? That is good.

[Lamorne Morris]

I like that interview that he did with that. I forget.

[Pete Holmes]

Five pounds of pressure, son. Five pounds of pressure. That's all it takes. He makes this line where he goes, man isn't spelled G U N, son. How do you make that cool? Look, I love the equalizer, but that's a bad line, yo. Meaning it's a bad line to say.

[Lamorne Morris]

But he makes it.

[Pete Holmes]

He makes it. Man isn't spelled G U N. Yeah. Show me the greats and have them say that line without it being stupid.

[Lamorne Morris]

And if we knew. And if we knew, we'd be Denzel. We'd be Denzel.

[Pete Holmes]

Man isn't spelled G U N, Son.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Does he add a son? I don't even know if he does that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Somebody else goes. It's not. I just thought about that. It's not spelled. Come on, Miles. You miss a tackle, you run a.

[Pete Holmes]

Mile in equalizer three gets shot in the back, and he sits down, and he's doing that. You do it. Yeah, that's good.

[Lamorne Morris]

What it is, is confusion.

[Pete Holmes]

He's confused.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, Book, even. Even in Book of Eli, when he saved. He's. This man is blind.

[Pete Holmes]

You like Book Eli?

[Lamorne Morris]

I loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Lamorne Morris]

But his. He's blind. Right? That's the reveal at the end. But. But. But in the beginning, like when. Not in the beginning, but when he gets shot. Yeah, he's. He's like. Or is he stabbed or. So I forget, but he's just kind of like. Yeah, you could see his face. And he's looking. I looked at that cell, like, because he does this look sometimes where he'll look and he'll just go, that. And then I go, who is he looking at?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, that blind. But he wasn't born blind. I think he was blinded by whatever wiped out people.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's. Sorry, don't get me started on Book of Eli. Because in the opening scene when he walks into the first house, there's a tell that he's blind. He puts his hand out and he knocks stuff over. And if you know he's blind on second viewing, you're like, holy. Yeah, he's being completely blind in that first scene.

[Lamorne Morris]

My friend told me the ending to Sixth Sense before I saw it. And I didn't know, you see, that it was a spoiler.

[Pete Holmes]

You see dead people.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, I see dead people.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

So the moment. The moment that film started, I said to myself, I said, okay, Bruce Willis is a ghost. I am with the understanding that this man is a ghost. He's a ghost. Boo. Ooh, Casper. I was like. So at the end when everyone, like, gasped and they went. I was like, what the is wrong with them?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, I was supposed to know he was a ghost.

[Pete Holmes]

Got Rob.

[Lamorne Morris]

I got robbed.

[Pete Holmes]

These days, they're so revealing with trailers. They would make the trailer that tells you he's a ghost.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Everything is in there. There's no more surprise casting in Bruce.

[Lamorne Morris]

Willis's most spooky performance.

[Pete Holmes]

Told me I'm dead. Okay, let's. I'm loving talking with you. It's funny. This is a 4 o'. Clock. This has 4 o' clock energy to me, and I love it. It's a lot more chill. Usually I do this at 11 after my first coffee, and I can't. It's really.

[Lamorne Morris]

You gotta relax, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Just have your own cards. You want to relax. You want to.

[Lamorne Morris]

You all want to relax. Oh, you want to relax?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when he's getting ready to be mad. Oh, you want to relax?

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, you want to relax.

[Pete Holmes]

That was just a bad one right there. You want to relax.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's what you're telling me.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what it should sound like.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's what you Tell me that's what you tell.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't do it. Look. Oh, do you do Will Smith as well? I love impressions.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I, I saw it online. You know, I'll tell you this. I'll tell it to them. My wife's name.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Lamorne Morris]

My son. No. So he. I, I, when I say I like, Denzel came from Dean. My Denzel, just like you said.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Dean.

[Lamorne Morris]

Dean. You know, it's inspired by Dean, but it's also inspired by Jay Pharoah. I mean, Will Smith inspired by Jay Pharaoh for me, because I. Yeah, I never thought to do a Will Smith impression.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Until I saw Jay Pharoah do it.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's like, wait, that sounds exactly like Will Smith. What's he doing?

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I, I feel that way. Taran Killam did this podcast. He did Brad Pitt. And after I. When you hear someone that does an impression and you go, I didn't even know that person talks away. Yeah, I can't do it. But Taryn's like, boom, I can't do it. He figured it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I would cry. I know the sign that I made it is when someone can do an impression of me because I don't think I have a particular interesting way of sounding.

[Pete Holmes]

Sounding.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, I don't know. Some of my.

[Pete Holmes]

That's you. I just turned into I. You know, it's interesting. If someone did you, I think I would know it was you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Really.

[Pete Holmes]

But now that I'm talking to you, I don't know what that would sound like.

[Lamorne Morris]

I, I.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

There are people who do impressions of you. Are there? It's got to be.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I. James Adomian does it, but he just yells, I want somebody that does the. Yeah, there is.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm gonna work on it. I'm gonna work on it.

[Pete Holmes]

It depends on what you're doing, because I talk differently sometimes when I'm doing stand up, there's like a fight flight thing that goes on. So I'm adrenalized.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I start talking a different cadence. I'll be like, can Starbucks stop? You know, close up a little bit. And there's podcasts. It doesn't matter. What am I talking about?

[Lamorne Morris]

How to do an impression of me. I have a question. Yeah, we can cut this out too, if you want.

[Pete Holmes]

I guarantee I won't care, whatever it is.

[Lamorne Morris]

Do you remember a show, and I'm not sure if this has happened often, but I haven't talked to him in a while. Old buddy of mine, TJ Miller.

[Pete Holmes]

How do you know tj.

[Lamorne Morris]

Second City Days. Chicago.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where he and I met.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. So we had, like, a brief.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, did you know Steve o'? Harvey, Ed Dubik's very funny comedian? He actually passed. But you worked at Ed Dubevix.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Steve O. Harvey worked at Ed Dubevik's. His name was Steve Harvey, I think. But he added the.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like. So a bunch of comics. Maybe even tj. We all went to Ed Dubvix. Holy. And like, eight there. And you might have been there. When I read that, I was like, that's fucking nuts.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, there were two at debevix.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

There was one out in one where.

[Pete Holmes]

They'Re nice to you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes, it's super nice.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Edward de Bevic.

[Lamorne Morris]

You walk in and they suck your dick.

[Pete Holmes]

I had to. It was down there. I had to do it.

[Lamorne Morris]

We're really nice here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, the super nice.

[Lamorne Morris]

Everyone gets an orgasm.

[Pete Holmes]

Ed Dubik's for people. It's hard to say. It's a restaurant where they're mean to you on purpose.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, we're mean to you on purpose. And there was one out in the burbs. In Lombard.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And at the Yorkville Mall. And then there was one in the city.

[Pete Holmes]

I think this one was. I can't remember.

[Lamorne Morris]

It had to have been in the city.

[Pete Holmes]

Probably in the city. And I remember I had to get my own drinks. Like, we ordered drinks and Steve O. Waited on us. And he was like, you get him?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's when I got him. And it was such a thrill.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, that's the kind of place it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you were saying how you knew. No.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. So.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, tj. Something like tj. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

So tj, we met through that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, and then actually, I think I ran into him on the street once in New York. He had just done that ABC show, Carpoolers. Carpoolers.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And I just. I saw that. I was. I was living in New York at the time, walking past each other, and I stopped him. I was like, dude, Second City. Because I used to see him there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And so. And so. But anyway, so TJ and I would hang out often. Then we did a pilot together for cbs. Yeah, we did a pilot together. The assistants.

[Pete Holmes]

Vaguely.

[Lamorne Morris]

It was Heather Locklear, Sarah Wright, David Henry. Yeah. Jason Jones.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, but wait, Jason Jones?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. The comedian?

[Pete Holmes]

Daily Show.

[Lamorne Morris]

Daily Show. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Married to Samantha Bee.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's crazy, because I did Samantha B's podcast this morning.

[Lamorne Morris]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Mentioning Jason. I was like, oh, right. Jason Jones.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's Jason Jones.

[Pete Holmes]

Came up twice in the same day. That's weird for me.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. That means he's meant to be in your life.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I have telepathy, so that's no big deal for me. Zoe. Not now, Zoe. All right, so you did a pilot.

[Lamorne Morris]

So we. So we became buddies. And, you know, I would go watch him perform all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And one show, my girlfriend at the time, her mom was in town and she was like, oh, my mom wants to go to a comedy show. So I called tj. Hey, man, are you performing anywhere? My girlfriend's mom is in town. I want to take her to see. See your show. He's like, yeah, man, I'm performing at. At this place at good. The Gower Gulch. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gower Gulch.

[Lamorne Morris]

Gower Gulch.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Tiger Lily.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, Tiger Lily. Tiger Lily. And so you were hosting.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

And he was you. Yeah. And DJ TJ was you. You kept calling for TJ to come to the state. You were stalling.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And TJ and I'm like texting.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, he wasn't coming on stage.

[Lamorne Morris]

He wasn't coming on stage. He was supposed to and we were, and no one knew where he was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And so I'm texting him, I'm like, where are you? And he's not answering. That finally hits me back. Oh, man. I'm in. I'm in the kitchen hanging out with the cooks. So he was in the back, fucked up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then he comes on stage and I remember he couldn't do his material. So you come back on stage.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And you guys do. Which might be the funniest thing I've ever seen on a stage. A two man set where you're. Now, you're basically holding him up in a way.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

But you guys are bouncing off of each other as if it's a sketch show.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

And it was one of the funny. So my girlfriend at the time, her mom went from being. Because she black mom, too. So she was just kind of like, what is this shit? Oh, he late. Oh, he's drunk on stage. Okay. And then she went from that to being in tears.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Lamorne Morris]

Laughing going. That was the funniest shit I've ever seen.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I could see it. I have very, very little memory of that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, it was at the Tiger Lily.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I can picture it. It's like my mind is making the memory. And TJ and I would occasionally go on stage and perform together.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Me and Mulaney would do that from time to time.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

As well. It was a weird thing. Usually when you're hosting, go up with someone else, and now. Now you got two people riffing. Makes it easier. I remember feeling that tj, who was a much, you know, blew up faster than all of us, was very generous in that way, would, like, riff with us and.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Kind of like, let some of that rub off on us, too. We also. I say this all the time, is like, we all kind of learn how to improvise from tj. He's a really, really quick improviser.

[Lamorne Morris]

He's one of the best ever.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And if I would say, if you watch the people from our class of Chicago comedians, I don't really do crowd work anymore. But it doesn't even have to be crowd work. It's like the way TJ really figured out a code that if you want to riff on something, start from this angle, not this angle. And we all just picked that up. The first time I saw him, I was like, I don't know what the. Is happening right now.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, it really.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that was in high. I think it was called high tops in Chicago.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

But we've sort of fallen out of touch. But, like, I. I try to give respect.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah. I haven't. I haven't talked to him in a while, but, yeah, I hope he's doing great, man, because he's.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he's super fun.

[Lamorne Morris]

He's brilliant.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can. Thanks for being considerate. We keep that in. Of course. Keep it in. I thought you're gonna ask me something about God or my wife or something.

[Lamorne Morris]

Something. Yeah. So how's your wife in the sack, actually?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you. Well. Oh, you're. I don't know why you feel like a married dude to me. For some reason, I was going to be like, our sex does get better. I'm really happy to say that we've been together for 12 years, and, like, it's not like we're getting kinky and freaky, but, like, we're so close. Yeah, it's. It's like. It's that, like, sort of not to overshare here, but, like, that mergy sex. It's not really even about the sex. You're, like, kind of like. You love each other so much, you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Can just kind of melt into each other.

[Pete Holmes]

It's really, really beautiful. And I like sharing that. Not to be like, I'm cool, but to be like. You can find relationships that have depth, have some sort of subtlety. That continues to go. Because the normal comedy angle would be like, when we can do it, like that sort of thing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Because I always thought, because I'm not married and, you know, I'm not even close to it, you know, I'm kind of dating and seeing what's going on.

[Pete Holmes]

Against marriage or open.

[Lamorne Morris]

I wouldn't say. I wouldn't say. I wouldn't say I'm against marriage. I'm for whatever happens in the moment, because each. I get a different energy from anyone that I'm dating at the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

So that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's good because it's a cliche. Those long couples that are against marriage, next person they date, they get married.

[Lamorne Morris]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So you have to be honest and open to what. What's being asked and what you want 100%.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, what. What's right for me and this woman might not be right for my next relationship.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Lamorne Morris]

And, you know, so if I. I could meet someone who I have the best relationship with, and she could say, I like open marriages or open relationships, and that's a decision I have to make in real time. Like, is that something that I could be cool with? Right. And, you know, at times you might say, yeah, and you find out you're not. Yeah. And you go, nope, I'm not cool with this. That's a monster. I saw you me tell. Take. You know, like, I don't want. I don't. No, ma'. Am. No, I don't like this. Why is he breathing that heavy? Why is he sweating so much? Why? I mean, why did you tell him you loved him? Why did you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not dirty talk.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, that's not dirty talk at all. Why did you.

[Pete Holmes]

You were just saying, I love you. You're better than my partner. Dirty talk.

[Lamorne Morris]

Why'd you change the locks on the door and they give him the new key? They did not give it to me, you know, so that it could happen, and I don't. And then, you know, you have to shift it up. But then sometimes I've been in situations where it makes. I want to be married immediately. Yeah. I want to spend every moment with this person. So, I don't know. I'm not against it, but I'm also. I'm not necessarily for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, I understand. You're just living in the. In reality.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Whatever's all he wants to do. I mean, whatever she wants to do.

[Pete Holmes]

She's Lenny's daughter. Yeah, I mean, that's.

[Lamorne Morris]

But I'm her daddy. What? What? I'm sorry, she's never gonna date me.

[Pete Holmes]

What I was gonna say, I watched some show where Lenny was showing us. It might have been cribs or something like that. Shown us around his island. I was like, that. You can't date that man's daughter.

[Lamorne Morris]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

If your dad is that cool.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, there's a lot of rich people. Yeah, there's not a lot of rich people that are that creative, that are like, I want to own an organic vegan farm. And he knows all his staff and he's like, this is where I make my music.

[Lamorne Morris]

And he's so cool. This man works out in leather pants. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

Honestly part of the tour. Was like, this is the tree where I do my workouts. Like, it was a tree. It was a tree. Like, I just, you know, I facetime with my trainer and I was like, you can't. I couldn't. I couldn't follow that.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's why I do my workouts. But this tree.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's the male figure that she had.

[Lamorne Morris]

So what am I going to provide? What am I going to provide? You like equinox? Like, what am I going to provide for this one?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm used to guys working out on a tree. It's just the right shape for push ups.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I got a fantastic night's sleep last night. And that's in large part because I've started using mouth tape. But not just any mouth tape. I've tried other kinds of mouth tape and they smell like chemicals and they rip your skin when they come off. Our friends at hostage tape have dialed it in perfectly. Why do you want to be putting tape over your mouth before you sleep? Kind of sounds crazy, right? That's what I thought. I thought it would be claustrophobic. I thought it would make it impossible to sleep. It's the opposite. Your brain gets the message immediately. You close the tunnel, it takes the bridge. And now What? You're getting 20% up to 20% more oxygen because you're breathing through your nose like you should be. Don't be a mouth breather. You're also reducing your risk of sleep apnea. It eliminated snoring for me. It even helps with oral hygiene and bad breath. And it makes me sleep so well and so deep and for so long. Boom. Gets it done. How do I know? Well, I feel fantastic when I wake up. Feel like I flooded my body and my brain with oxygen, which I have. And I get those deep, deep good dreams, which means I'm getting into that REM state. I've tried other brands. Hostage tape is the one. They are the official breathing aid of the UFC for a reason and they have a special deal you can only get on this show. That's true. Only on the show. Six month supply and trust me, you're going to want six month supply because once you try it you're never going to go back. 99 for a six month supply. That means you save $50 when you go to hostagetape.com weird this is the only place that hostage tape sells a six month bundle. Go to hostagetape.com weird and sleep better tonight. Get into it. We're also brought to us by our friends. If you're watching the video, this is my Apollo Neuro. It is the one piece of wearable tech, tech hands down, that has changed my life for the better over the past years. It is a technique. It's a technology really that helps your body recover from stress by sending vibrations into your body that gives your nervous system then the sensation of being touched or held. So it's like a digital hug on your wrist on demand. And when I'm feeling stressed, when I'm traveling, when I'm freaking out, when I want to slow down or when I want to energize. Focus, calm down. Be social. Be joyful. There are settings for all of these on your Apollo Neuro. It's hooked up to your phone. You pick how you want to feel and boom. It's almost sub perceptual. You're not going to really notice it unless you really crank it up. But Apollo can help you relax, sleep, focus, be more productive. You can wear it on your wrist or your ankle. It even helps you fall asleep. Which if that was all it did, it would be worth it. The Apollo Neuro is not woo woo. It was developed by a neuroscientist. It was developed by a neuroscientist and a board certified psychiatrist who have been studying the impacts of chronic stress in humans for nearly 15 years. And Apollo's effects on stress, sleep, cognitive performance and recovery have been proven in multiple clinical trials and real world studies. You can get 40 bucks off. It's an amazing gift for that friend that's hard to shop for or for yourself. $40 off at ApolloNeuro.com weird and use promo code weird. That's a P-O-L-L-O N E U-R-O.com weird. We usually talk about the meaning of life. When you won your Emmy, maybe it was meaningless, but you thanked God right off the bat. Any Spiritual lingering, by the way. Maybe you don't know this, but this is a very safe space to talk about whatever your feelings are.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, no, I. I'm Christian. I grew up Christian. Yeah?

[Pete Holmes]

What kind?

[Lamorne Morris]

Non denominational Christian. Me too. Yeah. Word. Yeah, Word. The Word. The Word.

[Pete Holmes]

Word. The podcast is just eating itself in this way.

[Lamorne Morris]

Wow. Yeah. So I grew up south side of Chicago, so I went to the Colonial Village Church of Christ there. But I don't, you know, I gotta say, still Christian, but my understanding of God is a little different now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And I just feel like I have a different relationship with God. And I'm sure a lot of people say that. And it might not feel Christian, I don't know, but I. I just feel like I communicate with God all the time, but it's not necessarily in a traditional way where people. I go to church, sit down, pray, do communion, do all those things. I still donate to the church, I still give to the church. Whenever I'm back home in Chicago, I still go. But I don't practice the ritualistic things on a daily basis.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's funny, dude, is that to me is deeply Christian when you consider what Jesus did. Jesus was always getting in trouble for picking wheat on the Sabbath, not doing the rituals, not praying in public, up the temple, all this stuff. But isn't it weird that it's become this thing where it's like. Well, I don't know if it holds up to the scrutiny of what Christianity is, when really we're talking about the religion built on the back of a wandering sadhu, basically a homeless person. I'm saying that with full respect. An unhoused person, son of man, has no place to lay his head. So we're talking about a wandering guy, like a wandering philosopher who was the disciple of another wandering philosopher, John the Baptist, who people also thought was insane, meaning people thought both of these dudes were insane. And then it became you telling me that you feel like you have a personal relationship to God, that you have access to the kingdom of heaven inside of you and you're worried that that sounds unchristian. Yes, I get it, because I grew up in that too. But how, how hard have we lost the narrative that you're like, you know, I love Jesus, but like, I feel like I'm with God without the rituals, without the kind of the Pharisee stuff.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're worried that sounds unchristian, which I get, by the way.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. You know, when you grow up traditionally in the Christian church, there's so much to it. I get into conversations all the time with people who are devout Christians and they're like, you got to go to church on Sunday. You got to go do this. You have to do this. You have to say that. And it has to be in this order of operations. And it has to be like that.

[Pete Holmes]

We used to do that too. It's like, don't pray to God. You have to pray to Jesus and.

[Lamorne Morris]

Then Jesus will tell God for you.

[Pete Holmes]

And I feel like it's almost like Richard Rohrer, my homeboy, he's a Franciscan, I love him to death. He calls them smelt and bells people. It's people that just love church. They love. It's almost like there's no disrespect here. This is my interpretation, by the way, of smells and bells. It's like it's their sports.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like you can't. Well, the manager talks to the owner.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And really, you know, there's more money. They just love it. And I used to love it too. I was like, the rules.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the tribe and the identity and we're non denominational. We're not Catholic. We're not methods.

[Lamorne Morris]

We don't do those things.

[Pete Holmes]

We do full immersion baptism and it's a whole. And when I say it's a hobby, I don't mean it to put it down. It's a real fun thing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. I mean, listen, if it were, I look at it like this. If it gives you meaning, your relationship to God is your relationship to God. If you want to go through these steps, great. And if it's working for you, then even better. But it doesn't mean it works for everybody. You know what I mean? Everyone doesn't. I think. I think God is so complex that you can have a different relationship with God that God can have. God will meet you where you are.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean? If you're. If you, if you're not equipped to do certain things or, you know, follow certain guidelines or whatever the case may be, that's between you and God. It has nothing to do with me.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

I need you to figure that out for yourself and, and move through life, which we're all trying to navigate.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

The best way you know how to move through life.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. Is this. It sounds familiar. I'm wondering, are you like, when it comes to like, premarital sex. That's what I'm feeling. You defending here.

[Lamorne Morris]

Here's what I'm trying to say, because.

[Pete Holmes]

I relate to that. I just grew up Enough in that I remember certain celebrities saying they were Christian and I would be like, but you, like, famously dated that. I know you're having sex. And, like, that was the deal.

[Lamorne Morris]

Brett, you fingered Rihanna.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. You bragged about.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's in your song.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And that was always very confusing to me. And it's just kind of like a nice moment where I'm like, oh, I think Lamorne might be talking about that. Like, that there might still be people in your life that's like, how can you do this, this, and this and call yourself a Christian?

[Lamorne Morris]

I swear a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Swearing is another one of the dirtiest.

[Lamorne Morris]

Mind and mouth comedically.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's just. It's. It's always been, you know, I think. I think. I think this is when it happened. When I realized Bob Saget was a dirty comic.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I was like, wait, what? Yeah, but he's America's favorite dad.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

How is he on stage talking about butts?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, and so I was like, oh. Then I started thinking to myself, I could. If it's funny, it's funny. I could, you know, maybe I could do it all, and then I'll get in trouble for saying certain things. And I would go, but those people are laughing. And I liked it, and I didn't hurt anybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's like, well, God doesn't want you to do that. He told you that?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you know, I could talk about this for nine years, but I'm trying to think of a good Jesus quote for you. Like, he said, let the weeds grow with the wheat. That's one of the ones I like. And the way that I interpret that is, I think, speaking for myself. My mom, for example, somebody said. She told me. She goes, my hairdresser said. Or somebody at church said, I saw your son special. I loved it. And I said, what's wrong with you? She can't even understand how somebody would like what I do.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She doesn't mean it, by the way. With my mom, I'm kind of like, you don't mean anything that you say. It's kind of a weird thing. But she doesn't even understand because I'm talking about sex and I'm swearing, and I'm over here going, like, it's the whole experience. It's the whole human experience. And it's honest and it's artistic and it's beautiful and it's transparent. It's of service. It's gritty and it's dirty and it's messy. And that actually Feels very holy to me. Even though if. When I was 22, I would have made no sense to me. When I was 22.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was all about don't smoke, don't drink, don't swear, don't have sex. But that's, you know, I feel like that's cart before the horse stuff.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's like, I. I honestly think it's. It's. You are where you're supposed to be in those moments. Yeah. You might have had to have been that person at those. At that age. So you can develop some sort of base or foundation.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Lamorne Morris]

100%.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then you go from there. And then, you know, I know the parameters in which I will not go.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And that. And that evolves over time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean? There's certain things I don't make fun of.

[Pete Holmes]

You have your boundaries.

[Lamorne Morris]

I have my boundaries.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And, you know, I think that does come from this, the strong base in the church. And I think. I think that is the point that it has served in my life, that, you know, my mission in life and my goal in life is to make people happy and to treat people with kindness and to try to set people up to succeed on their own. That's always been my goal. I have the most fun doing it. And I think that comes from the church. But some of the more ritualistic things, I go, I don't think I'm useful to you in that manner. You know what I mean? I don't think I'm useful to Christianity that way.

[Pete Holmes]

Or the world.

[Lamorne Morris]

Or the world.

[Pete Holmes]

Your audience. Yeah, I completely agree. Richard Rohr, again, he has a book. I forget what it's called, but the subtitle is Order, Disorder, Reorder, and that is the. That's the Hero's Journey. But it's also how our souls are transformed. It's how we're converted.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And a lot of people just stop at order.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's fine. I don't think it's great. But I'm not here to judge. We got the rules, we got the thing. We're gonna stay in the village. But the hero's journey is you leave the village, you go on the journey, you get dirty, things get strange, you forget yourself. There's an all is lost moment. There's the boon, there's the helper. You learn, you're transformed, then you go back to the village. Yeah, that's the reorder. But you need the disorder.

[Lamorne Morris]

You need it.

[Pete Holmes]

My faith was forged in the fires of my Divorce. If I had never got. If my wife had never had an affair and left, I would probably. I don't know. I hope that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Is that, like a famous. Like, not a famous thing, but like a public thing that she had an affair.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Holy.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Lamorne Morris]

Holy.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna.

[Lamorne Morris]

You're gonna. Chanting table.

[Pete Holmes]

What would. What would Denzel say to my wife? You're gonna. You're gonna cheat on this, man.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, you're gonna cheat. You're gonna walk down that road, huh? Slippery slope, huh? Hope you got on your aqua socks, because it's about to get wet. And I don't mean in a good kind of wet. I mean that kind that you put up your nose. Huh? You like to get wet. That angel dust. Mm. That's icky. Icky. It's gonna get. It's gonna get.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mean good wet like Denzel.

[Lamorne Morris]

Wet like Denzel wet. Not the kind of wet when you get a burrito with the sauce on the outside. I'm not talking about that kind of wet Christmas style.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to do it so bad. You're so good at it. Yeah. So, like, I had that image of God was the guy who's looking out for me, protecting me. Nothing bad would happen to me. There's this great James Finley quote. He goes, I believe in a God who protects me from nothing but sustains me in everything. Isn't that good? Yeah, because that's. It's not. It's not the mafia. He's not protecting your bakery.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying there isn't intervention or some sort of room for miracles or whatever it might be, but I'm saying, like, now I have a faith that can understand and sustain through things. Not going your way.

[Lamorne Morris]

I had this conversation with my sister today. We were talking about just, like, career stuff and disappointments in career and figuring out, you know, what you're. You know, what you should be doing and breaking in and doing all those things.

[Pete Holmes]

And she an actor.

[Lamorne Morris]

She's an actor. And we were talking about faith and where the. How much of that comes into play. And I said, you. You won't see me going to church every Sunday, and you won't hear me saying out loud, like, dear God, what do I do in this moment? Because I already have an understanding, and I'm internally always having those conversations where I'm just like, well, the faith is already there, you know, and the work, the foundation has already been laid, so I know that God is with me. And even when it doesn't feel like it. Even in troublesome times, I go, this is a part of the journey. This is. This is it. You know what I mean? And because I've hit rock bottom before, I've slept in my car. I've been. I've couch served. Yeah. I've been almost in my car. That's right. I've had an encounter with the devil, John.

[Pete Holmes]

Ha.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes. And. And I bounced back. I endured. I got on Dave's private jet and I came right back to realization. Buckle up.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, man. Hey, man. My jet.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Get in my jet.

[Lamorne Morris]

So, yeah, so I. So I just tell. I just told her. I said my confidence in my career and in my ability. And I'm never in a position. I never feel like. I never feel like it's not gonna go my way. Even when it doesn't go my way, I go. It wasn't supposed to go my way. You know what I mean? And that, And I do think that comes from the foundation of the church.

[Pete Holmes]

That's funny, because Richard Roy's definition of faith isn't believing in unbelievable things. It's being comfortable in not knowing. And that's what it sounds like you're describing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know how it's gonna go.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're. Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's not my job. I've been given a set of tools to go and try to attempt to continue to make people laugh or entertain folks. And for the time being, that's what I enjoy doing. So I'm just gonna do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

And be grateful when it's time to be grateful. Even when it's a down season, just be grateful that, you know, I'm still able to provide for my family.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, so. Yeah, I just, I just. I just chalk it up to the. The base.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. You know, that's great. Beautiful bass.

[Lamorne Morris]

Beautiful bass. I got the best bass. Not deplorables. Good bass.

[Pete Holmes]

And dead. Over. Do you think it's over when we die?

[Lamorne Morris]

Honest now, I don't. I, I. Here's the crazy thing. I watch a lot of conspiracy conspiratorial videos.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The algorithm figured that out. You clicked on the wrong thing. Martin Lawrence got cloned.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, my God. Like, I, you know, I do it. I want to believe in a heaven and hell. It's just not what. It's just not what I think. It's just not what traditionally people think it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

In my opinion. I just, I do think we. I think we die and we don't know we Died. And we come back as something else. And we don't know of our past life.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's what I think. Or energy is moving into something else, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, now I'm a Chinese boy named PI. PI.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Over there. Over there in Taipei.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

We sold our movie for $48 million. Vin Diesel, China callback. And all of those past lives, I. I take it to the next level, are happening simultaneously. So it's not actually a past life. It's just one life. All these expressions and they're all happening at once. That's how I like to think about it. And if you ever get guffed for that, you should Google. I won't spat them off here, but there's a lot of New Testament references to reincarnation, really? And some of them that were taken out. One of them that does come to mind is a boy was born blind. And the disciples asked Jesus, did the boy sin or. Oh, it was something like, did his parents sin or did he sin in a previous life? There's some question like that where it's just kind of assumed, like, reincarnation is probably a thing. There's a couple other ones like that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. And.

[Pete Holmes]

And they say when Jesus says who, they say that I am. They go, some say you're John the Baptist. Well, John the Baptist is dead.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's like, well, what. What we're talking about life recycling itself.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Interesting.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Amen. Maybe I'm accurate.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe you're what?

[Lamorne Morris]

Accurate. Am I? Am I?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Maybe. Maybe it's right. Maybe I come back as you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Come back as you.

[Lamorne Morris]

I come back as you. Huh? You want to be me? I want to be you.

[Pete Holmes]

Huh?

[Lamorne Morris]

And who are we, huh? Face off, too. That's what we are. I want his face off, dude. Face off.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's a black guy and a white guy, so when the face is on, it's a different color, the hands are different. You just look like the Karate Kids with, like a white ghost face on. That is insane.

[Lamorne Morris]

Can you imagine? They come from the operation and they look around and he just goes, what about the hands? That's going to be a problem. Ah, shit. Go back under.

[Pete Holmes]

Now we need hands off.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, now we need hands off you.

[Pete Holmes]

To get your hands off me.

[Lamorne Morris]

Get your hands off me.

[Pete Holmes]

That was good. That was good. Oh, here's the last question to get you out of here. Can you remember the time in your life where you laughed the hardest in your whole life? Maybe you were a kid, maybe somebody fell, maybe somebody farted. Maybe you were in a place you weren't supposed to laugh.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, boy. Church. I used to laugh a lot in church. I used to mock the preacher a lot because the preacher, Brother Daniel Carter Sr. He used to wear his. His. Everything about him coordinated. Like he was every. Every Sunday. And he was very particular about the. The wristwatch and how it would match his shoes. Remember earlier when I was talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I was referring to him. Callback, callback.

[Pete Holmes]

And I thought of the Def Jam joke where the dude goes, sentence, sentence, period.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because everything.

[Lamorne Morris]

Or even John Witherspoon, you had to coordinate. Sometimes you gotta coordinate and inside match this part and that. That's how he was. Very, very stylish guy. And he would always. When he would tell people to turn to the text, he would go, ah. If you turn to the text, Matthew five, ah, and five, he would drag it out like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Lamorne Morris]

And it'd be so engaging. Everybody, he'd be so engaged because he's such a powerful speaker. But I would be in tears, laughing.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm like, what's taking him so long.

[Pete Holmes]

To say the scripture? It ain't that hard of a scripture.

[Lamorne Morris]

He's still saying.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to say, of all the contributions of black culture to the world at large, the black preacher, like, is underrated.

[Lamorne Morris]

Underrated. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

John Roy the comic used to have a joke about how white kids talk like black people, but it's only one kind of black guy. It's like the hip hop guy. It's like, you should do black preacher. And he goes, if you want redemption, you should find Jesus. This is great bit. But I was like, he's not wrong. When you're looking at, like, ways to keep people engaged and changing your. That singing, they made that up. Yes, they made that up. You made church interesting.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? Full respect. But I used to go to a black church in Mattapan occasionally, and I was like, what the fuck is happening? I go back to my church in Lexington. Very white, very boring. And I was like, this dude's saying the same message, but everyone's falling asleep.

[Lamorne Morris]

Everyone's falling asleep.

[Pete Holmes]

It was brutal.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Black preachers, man, they got style.

[Pete Holmes]

They had style and they knew how to communicate and entertain.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the music, don't get me started. I was in a gospel choir. It was one of the coolest things.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah. It was so fun. I had. I remember this one preacher, I think his name was Brother Doolin out of Dallas, Texas. We used to go to this. This big conference. And I remember this one thing about. He was, like, preaching and going on and on and on and on and on. And then Eddie said, let me wake you up for a second. So he took the Bible and threw it. Everybody was like, what? And he goes, it's just paper. It's just paper. He starts going. Everyone's like, whoa. He goes, it's in here. It's here. It's here. It's just paper. Somebody printed it. And he starts going on and on. I was like, whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, well, look, I don't want to force the synchronicity, but I wrote a couple episodes of the Simpsons, and really, my character was a pastor, and he got in trouble for burning a Bible. And it was because he was making that point.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was going, it's not here. Don't worship the road sign. Yeah, the road sign's telling you to go. This way is Detroit. He goes, go to Detroit. Yeah, he burned the Bible, and that's why he got scandalized. That's why my character gets fired and I go away. But it was making that point. So I have the chills right now. That's what's up. Like, that's. That's the real message right there. Good on him.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, name?

[Pete Holmes]

Brother Doolan. Brother.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wherever you are, respect.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, dude. I was. I was a kid when it happened. I was like, did he just throw the Bible?

[Pete Holmes]

But, I mean, it was back to what you were saying. It's like, we can't get lost. This is a Ram Dass line. Don't worship the sign that says this way to Detroit. Go to Detroit. It's not about. It's really. Who said it? St. Augustine. Love God and do whatever you want. It's like, if that's what it's about converting the fundamental. Your fundamental relationship with reality. You could say your relationship with God. And then everything else is just kind of window dressing. Including a holy scripture, Including a deity. Including an image of a deity. Because if you can picture it, it's not it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It transcends all of that 100. There's a line in the dao where they go. The dao meaning consciousness, awareness. The big. The word that was with God and was God.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The dao. There's no room for yes or no. There. There's a poem where they go, God. God knows everything, but he doesn't know anything about addition or subtraction.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like. It doesn't make sense.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Lamorn being in or out. Doesn't make sense to the fundamental.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what we mean when we say God's love is eternal.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's crazy. Anyway. You got me preaching.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's so wild. We go from Trump, sucking, sucking dick. You can say it. God's love is eternal.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I said, I've been saying this on stage all the time. I'm like, maybe if I picked one lane, I'd be, like, 30 times more popular. But you know what, dude? I love where I am. And I. I say to my audiences all the time, I'm like, I got jizz jokes. I have jokes, literally, about Jesus. Like, talking about the prodigal son. I'm like, who are you?

[Lamorne Morris]

That's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

But those are those. That's, like, my tribe. I want, like, people like you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Let's.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's get filthy and let's talk about. Because I don't like that. That what I would consider everyone's birthright. The question, who am I? What am I doing here? What is reality? What is the source of reality? Got somehow sequestered with the polite people and the nice people and the sweet people. And in my summation, like, when I was growing up, kind of the phony people. I'm just talking about my own experience. Not everybody.

[Lamorne Morris]

Very similar experience.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was just kind of like, these are the fucking chosen people. You know what I mean? I was like, then you meet the people that honestly, that Jesus was drawn to. The derelicts, the outcasts. Jesus hung out with tax collectors. You know, that's kind of like the Mafia.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, if you look at history, tax collectors weren't H and R Block. It was dudes that collected on debt.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

100 people up. And that's why they were mad that Jesus was eating with them. And with prostitutes, obvious. Sex workers, all that sort of stuff.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we've just lost that. We've lost that narrative.

[Lamorne Morris]

We got to hang out with sex workers more.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. And tax collectors.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's go.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm on my way.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna go get some. I've told you on this episode that I am unfaithful. That would be so creepy. I'm not, by the way. That would be such a heartbreaker. I'm not even saying Val would know. I'm joking. I'm saying that for the people. If you have any stock in our relationship. I am joking. Anyway. Lamore, this was awesome, dude.

[Lamorne Morris]

Thank you, man. I appreciate you having me, man.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so glad you did it. I enjoyed every second. Would you on Max Greenfield for never even replying to my emails. Just give him a nice little you, dude.

[Lamorne Morris]

Why can I do it for multiple reasons?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

You, Max, because you don't reply to Pete's emails. But also you, because you don't respond to my texts either. Either.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry. When you look like better looking John Mulaney, you just get to live however you want, Is that it?

[Lamorne Morris]

When you're one of people's sexiest men alive, you get. You get to do whatever you want.

[Pete Holmes]

You look like Peter Parker, but in a universe where every character is better looking. All minor about just how I'm attracted to him.

[Lamorne Morris]

You're a better looking Peter Parker. You don't have to buy six pack. That makes me damp.

[Pete Holmes]

You, dude. Eat, dude. I got a confusing erection right now. Do this podcast we had, Jake. We got. What if this whole thing was just deployed? Get Max.

[Lamorne Morris]

Mine never airs. Just as.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way. I'm just kidding. Life is complicated. He'll do it. At some point.

[Lamorne Morris]

He will.

[Pete Holmes]

We're going to make him do it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. You know, he lives like three blocks from here. It's. I pulled up, I said, hey, this.

[Pete Holmes]

Max house right here, we're going to get Zoe on just to. With Max. That'll be the one.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Cuz she lives furthest out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. So you got you. I'd probably say I live for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I saw you there.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh yeah, I saw you. Are you going to another one? Christmas party.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't go this year.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, I don't think I can either.

[Pete Holmes]

Sucks.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry to name drop, but a Zoe Deschanel Christmas party, It's fantastic.

[Lamorne Morris]

They are not cheap.

[Pete Holmes]

The party.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you mean them as people.

[Lamorne Morris]

There's a lot of good food.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. You get a big box from them. It's not a charging pad.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, it's not. No, no, it's not.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. And Vin Diesel, you're not invited.

[Lamorne Morris]

I got a big box once from Zoe for a gift and it was a piano for my daughter. Like a cool little bitty piano for my daughter. I was like, she gives good gifts. She still has it.

[Pete Holmes]

We watched Elf this year and we were like, sweetie, she came to our house. Mila doesn't give a shit. She's like, she sure did. Whatever.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's the hard part about when you watch TV and you go, I want to tell you so bad that I know that person or that cartoon that you like. I know The. I know the woman doing the voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I tell you, everyone that knows this podcast has this before, but I'm going to tell you as a dad, in a moment of vulnerability, I said to Val, I was like, what if, when Leela is a teenager, I'm not doing anything? What if I dry up and I'm just like a fucking n. I was going to say nothing. Obviously, that's not true, but I feel like nothing's going in my life. And Val just goes, you'll be her dad. What are you talking about? Nothing. That's why Leela doesn't give a shit. Zoe Deschanel is an elf. You're her dad.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, right. 100.

[Pete Holmes]

So take that 100. Keep it in that silky soft camel skin coat. Sandra Sandro.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

John Wick. Kind of. You look like a good guy in John Wick.

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't think one of the good ones.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't got common face. No, I don't mean common like ordinary. I mean the rapper. The rapper. Common, common sense. Rapper, slash actor from Chicago.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, he was there, too, when I was on Shrooms. Really? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sounds like I should have gone to one of. I actually. I hate. I. I'm not going to say I hate things like that, but they're not fun.

[Lamorne Morris]

It. It was fun.

[Pete Holmes]

I bet it was fun. I don't like it.

[Lamorne Morris]

It was fun. You would have loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I would have loved it. Oh, man. Thank you, man. Would you say, keep it crispy? It's how we end. You could say it as Denzel, only because it's so joyful. If you want.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay. Keep it crisp us. Denzel. Keep it crispy. Extra lightly battered.

[Pete Holmes]

Everything I eat is crispy. It's delicious.

[Lamorne Morris]

Little lemon zest.

[Pete Holmes]

Put it. Get it on the private jet. Dave Chappelle is there. Dave. Dave loves me.

[Lamorne Morris]

I love Dave. Dave loves me.

[Pete Holmes]

I got dragon energy. Wait, that was Kanye. I confused. I confused, like, whoa.

[Lamorne Morris]

What's going on, man?

[Pete Holmes]

You finish that sentence. You confused.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, man. Anyway, keep it zesty. Is that what it was? Crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I thought you were with me.

[Lamorne Morris]

No, it just literally, keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks, man.

[Lamorne Morris]

Thank you.