Mike O'Gorman

Summary

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Mike O’Gorman
Release Date: August 31, 2022

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Pete Holmes welcomes comedian, actor, and master impressionist Mike O’Gorman for a deeply funny and thoughtful conversation. The pair reminisce about their comedy roots, swap impressions, reflect on the ups and downs of a showbiz career, and get “weird” about everything from near-death experiences to Catholic school and the meaning of life. It’s a heartfelt, hilariously meandering episode packed with improv, sincerity, career real-talk, and plenty of memorable moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Showbiz Friendships & Comedy Roots

• [04:45–09:02] Pete and Mike discuss the joy of reuniting, comparing their dynamic to magical imp-like figures who pop into each other's lives.
  • Pete likens his friendship with Mike to a recurring magical mushroom character in a dreamlike quest, reinforcing the pure joy of "hangout comedy" rooted in genuine laughter.
  • Quote:
    “Comedy is also what we did at sleepovers. It’s what we did at birthday parties.” – Pete Holmes ([08:40])
  • They both express gratitude for a dynamic that doesn’t feel like “work” or “performing,” just pure fun.

2. Impressions and the Art of Comedy

• [09:30–13:12] Mike talks about his origins in doing impressions, such as his signature Andre the Giant, modulated kidnapper voices, and more.
  • [10:30–12:17] Mike explains his early stand-up closer featuring the classic ransom call voice, pivoting it into characters doing mundane things.
  • The duo riff on the anxiety of food orders and improvise cold coffee riffs, Southern judges, and “boss hog” archetypes.
  • Quote:
    “What if he left [the kidnapper voice] on and then calls for Chinese takeout?” – Mike O’Gorman ([11:35])

3. Career Stories: Impressions, Voice Work, and Landing 'True Lies'

• [15:11–24:55] The conversation veers into how Mike’s impressions (Bale, Andre the Giant, etc.) developed, his past work (e.g., Ugly Americans), and the viral comedic audio they once created parodying Bale and Freeman.
  • [17:57–18:08] Mike unexpectedly ends up working for McG (the director once mocked in their bit) and James Cameron on CBS’s new “True Lies.”
  • [23:02–24:51] O’Gorman discusses booking the pilot, the tone of the show, and his “harmless misogynist” character.
  • Quote:
    “He’s a harmless misogynist. Yes, he hates women. But he doesn’t hit them.” – Mike O’Gorman ([24:14])
  • The segment is punctuated by riffing on action tropes, show development, and network comedy.

4. Acting Hustle: Navigating Lulls and Diversifying

• [27:06–34:07] Mike opens up about a “three-year drought” in his career, battling COVID shutdowns, and the importance of asking his agent to send him out for drama as well as comedy.
  • The discussion becomes a candid look at typecasting, auditioning, self-tapes, and reinventing oneself.
  • Emphasizes not relying on one “flavor” (single cam, sketch, stand-up), but diversifying skills: writing, acting, etc.
  • Quote:
    “Who does it work for? … Not your T (Tom) Cruises.” – Pete Holmes ([43:47])

5. Pilots & Rejection: 'Man from Los Angeles' and Industry Volatility

• [47:27–51:08] Mike describes pitching and selling a pilot (loosely inspired by “the Man from Taured” urban legend) to HBO Max, only to see it dropped due to shifting network priorities (“...they just changed their model completely”).
  • Both discuss how cancellations are rarely personal—projects are often cycled out for new corporate directions, not because you “stink.”
  • Quote:
    “I went in with it, they were like, ‘This is exactly what we want.’ ... By the time it went through development ... they were like, ‘Actually, we’re going to reboot Sex and the City and rerun Big Bang Theory.’” – Mike O’Gorman ([50:32])

6. Shifting Goals: From Alt-Comedy to Multicam Sitcoms

• [52:00–61:01] The duo reflect on their trajectories—from chasing SNL, the “alt comedy” New York scene, and the alleged uncoolness of multicam shows—to embracing network sitcoms for their lifestyle and stability.
  • Pete recounts the “How We Roll” sitcom experience, the “not cool” stigma, but the reality of job satisfaction, camaraderie, and work-life balance.
  • Quote:
    “If a network calls with a show—do it.” – Pete Holmes ([60:58])
  • Both acknowledge how priorities and ideas of “success” evolve as you age.

7. Existential Stuff, Faith, and the Meaning of Life

• [82:55–92:57] Pete probes Mike’s religious upbringing (strict Irish Catholic), spiritual evolution, and existential musings.
  • Pete posits that deep mystical teachings shouldn’t be pushed on kids, but that supportive communities are good.
  • They agree the “meaning of life” becomes about recognizing your deeper awareness beyond “the story” or ego.
  • Quote:
    “You have to be somebody before you can be nobody. Spirituality is about becoming nobody.” – Pete Holmes ([84:38])

8. Death, Near-Death, Reincarnation, and Cosmic Weirdness

• [78:23–96:46] Mike recounts a real near-drowning experience, the last time he pooped his pants, and discusses what happens at death—does consciousness continue, or is it over?
  • Pete provides philosophical perspectives (Rupert Spira’s “water vortex” analogy), raising questions about awareness, time, the ego, and the afterlife.
  • Quote:
    “If you’re afraid of dying, you haven’t figured out who you truly are… That’s the work of life.” – Pete Holmes ([89:27])

9. Impressions Galore & Laughing Fits

• Throughout – esp. [10:09–14:45], [70:09–74:07], [101:16–103:38]
  • Mike treats listeners to spot-on impressions: Andre the Giant, Christian Bale, Robert Evans, Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Dracula doing “Hey Jealousy,” Louis Armstrong/Jimmy Durante, and more.
  • Pete jumps in with Morgan Freeman, Southern lawyers, and others, turning the episode into a mini-masterclass on comedic mimicry.
  • Quote:
    “You motherfucking cats seem to need to eat every motherfucking day.” – Mike O’Gorman, as Robert Evans ([101:47])

10. Hardest Laughter & Comedy Influences

• [103:36–107:09] Mike recalls the hardest he’s ever laughed: watching Rowan Atkinson’s live show as a child, being deeply affected by “slices of life” and nuanced character comedy.
  • Pete and Mike discuss how the abundance of content today can dull novelty and how certain lines (e.g., “That escalated quickly”) become overused.
  • Quote:
    “You can do this. It’s interesting.” – Mike O’Gorman about Atkinson’s influence ([105:59])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (w/ Timestamps)

• On pure comedy friendship:
  “Whenever I see you, I die laughing, and I remember that comedy … can be kind of, for its own sake, pure.” – Pete ([08:01])

• On impressions as a tool:
  “If you put a French accent on that, then it becomes Andre the Giant.” – Mike ([15:11])

• On booking ‘True Lies’:
  “I had this three year drought basically of not really doing anything … so I reached out to my agent, I said, can you start sending me out on drama so we can cast a wider net...” – Mike ([27:06])

• On redefining career satisfaction:
  “To be a worker among workers—just to have your place, do your thing, and do it well.” – Pete ([62:44])

• On life's ultimate questions:
  “The best you can probably hope for is that you reach a point where you’re ready to go when it’s time, and it’s not a surprise.” – Mike ([90:53])

• On comedic upbringing:
  “I was raised in a very strict Irish Catholic house. I went to Catholic school my entire life.” – Mike ([83:00])

• On showbiz resilience:
  “The old model of the triple threat is kind of dead…but I think now the other threats are more like writing and, you know, directing or whatever.” – Mike ([43:28])

• On the meaning of spirituality:
  “You have to be somebody before you can be nobody. Spirituality is sort of about becoming nobody.” – Pete ([84:38])

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Highlighted Impressions & Segments (with Timestamps)

• Andre the Giant: [09:50], [15:11], [103:10]
• Christian Bale: [18:08], [70:09]
• Morgan Freeman: [19:29]
• Robert Evans (from ‘The Offer’): [101:41]
• Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Sudeikis, Charlie Day: [70:19–71:51]
• Dracula sings “Hey Jealousy”: [72:36]
• Louis Armstrong/Jimmy Durante: [74:07]
• Bill Murray's "this man has no penis": [106:06]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening Riff and Hangout Comedy (Friendship, Impressions): [04:45–14:45]
• Viral Impressions & 'Ugly Americans' Anecdotes: [15:11–19:55]
• Booking “True Lies” & Industry Churn: [23:05–34:07]
• Career Dry Spell, Pilot Sale, and COVID Impact: [27:06–34:07]
• Typecasting, Diversifying, and Triple Threats: [42:23–44:17]
• Meaning of Life, Near-Death, Faith: [82:53–94:35]
• Impression-Masterclass (Bale, Arnett, Bateman, Dracula): [70:09–74:07], [101:16–103:36]
• Biggest Laugh Ever (Rowan Atkinson): [103:36–106:06]
• Closing & “Keep it Crispy” (Andre the Giant style): [109:49–110:04]

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Closing

The episode concludes with Pete’s signature “Keep it crispy,” delivered via Mike’s Andre the Giant impression—a perfect coda to a meandering, hilarious, and philosophical episode that embodies exactly what “You Made It Weird” does best.

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Recommended for:
Fans of comedy, showbiz insiders, impression aficionados, and anyone seeking a blend of hearty laughs and existential musings.

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Listen for:
Masterful impressions, industry survival stories, behind-the-scenes anecdotes, and two comedians processing “the meaning of life” through both silliness and sincerity.

Transcript

[A]

You made it weird.

[B]

You made it weird.

[A]

You made it weird. Oh, yeah, you made it weird. Made it weird.

[B]

Yes, you did.

[A]

Made it weird.

[B]

You made it weird. With Pete Holmes.

[A]

What's happening, weirdos? This is my chat with my pal Mike o', Gorman, one of the funniest people alive, one of the best impressionists alive. And this, this episode is filled with impressions, which, you know, I absolutely love, and then also some really thoughtful and interesting, engaging stuff as well. So I hope you enjoy it. Only a couple things to plug up top. September 8th is my next show here in Los Angeles at Largo. Go to Largo L a r g o-la.com for tickets. That is my live standup show. I do it once a month. It's always incredible. Recently we've had Mulaney's come by, Amy Schumer's come by, Judd Apatow. Bo Burnham did it one time. Phoebe Bridgers did it one time. Music as well. It's always, always, always incredible. Some of my favorite people do it every single time. Val is usually there, almost always there. And it's the highlight of my month. I hope you can make it. Whenever you hear this episode, go to largo-la.com and look at the calendar for Pete Holmes living at Largo. The next one is September 8, 2022. And if you like this show, why not try a pizza pick? Only one pizza pick. Dimension up top here. And it's my friends at Magic Mind. Magic Mind. I think if I were to say that's changed my life in the biggest way in such a small bottle, it would be Magic Mind for sure. It has changed my relationship to work, to productivity, and to my brain. Magic Mind is not an energy drink. It is a productivity drink. In fact, it's the world's first productivity drink. It's a magical elixir that makes you focus better on your work, be more creative, and drink less coffee. It has adaptogens in it which round out the edges. If you take this with your coffee, it rounds out the edges and sort of smooths out the caffe. Not making you so jolty, but giving you energy and rounding out the energy you're getting from your coffee as well. Magic Mind on its own has about 35 milligrams of caffeine, which comes from Matcha, which, as you know, Matcha is a nice, rounded, even caffeine. So it's not like a wired drink, it's a dialed in drink. I take it before I go on stage, before I write, before I work, before I have to answer emails. It gives you about five to seven hours of flow state. And I find it incredibly mood elevating, not just energy, but like feeling like your brain has shown up. So it's not just like, oh, wake up and shock yourself back to life with thousands of milligrams of caffeine. It's not that. It's productivity in a bottle. This is one line I like. They say creators have create aid like athletes have Gatorade. This is creator aid. It is the creator's best friend. Helps fight off procrastination, brain fog, fatigue, and some symptoms of ADD getting you into that flow state. After three to seven days of continuous use, it's even easier to get into that flow state. And with a money back guarantee, any first purchase will be refunded, no questions asked if it doesn't meet your expectations. And I actually have an offer for weirdos from our friends at Magic Mind. All you have to do is go to www.magicmind co who has time for the full com magicmind co weird and use discount code weird to get 20% off. That's a limited 20% off your first order. Val swears by it. I swear by it. I keep it in my travel bag. I keep some in my car anytime I'm doing something where I need to get into that flow state and just focus, but also feel that elation and that happiness. Honestly, this like, mood elevation that helps me ease into what I'm doing. I swear, swear, swear by Magic Mind. It is a true Pete's pick. I reached out to them after I was using them for weeks and now we have the promo code. So I hope you like it as much as I do, and if you want to give it a try and Support the show, MagicMind Co weird and weird at checkout. All right, guys, that's it. Hope to see you at Largo on September 8 or any other month. It's always wonderful to have weirdos there. And in the meantime, enjoy my chat with the hilarious Mike O Gorman. Get into it. That's you, buddy. And as I always say. And can I get my coffee, please? It's that we can. It's a can full of wee.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Coffee from yesterday.

[A]

So I'll drink a coffee from yesterday. Will you?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Have you seen. This is good.

[B]

You know what I love about this? Are we rolling?

[A]

Yeah, we're rolling.

[B]

Because this is what. When I listen to podcasts and they're like, are we rolling? And you go, how the fuck do you not know that you're rolling?

[A]

What do you tell me every. You mean they should know because they're in a studio and you're holding a mic. They're like, are we. Is this it?

[B]

Are we on?

[A]

Yeah, I think the old.

[B]

But now I get it because I just came in and here we are.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. Now you've seen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You've seen the other side. There's a. I think the old way was, of course you're not rolling, right? Because you'd be smoking cigarettes like Johnny Carson. And. Yeah, you'd be saying, like, inappropriate, like, slurs and stuff. And you'd be like, yeah, check out the gams on that day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, man, she's been doing our cue cuts.

[B]

I'll have my girl call you tomorrow. Exactly.

[A]

And then he's like, oh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sitting here with Michael Gorman. Like, it was more show.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Now it's more biz.

[B]

Yeah, now. Now we're just going to make any sense. A guest house.

[A]

And I mean, thanks for calling it a guest house. That's an upgrade. This is a Raj.

[B]

Is it a garage?

[A]

I said Raj.

[B]

Okay. Far cooler than me.

[A]

Raj al Ghul.

[B]

Look, this is my water.

[A]

Yes, Excellent. Enjoy it.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

It's not. I'm glad that you knew that was a water and not an ice cold beer. Would you not say no to an ice cold beer? That's a beer. That's an ice cold beer. Just kidding. It's.

[B]

It is. You drink.

[A]

You. You, my friend, are drinking liquid death.

[B]

Liquid death water.

[A]

There were two things that have already. First of all, for real, I. I like. It seems like I turned on my showbiz Persona because I greeted you at the door very casual.

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[A]

Walked you back.

[B]

I was gonna say it was very cash.

[A]

Super. Well, I don't want anything. I. The moment where we want to be like, hey, oh, my God, we did that day. I want all that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But I want you to also know that I didn't, like, kick it up a gear for the show. I'm actually, like, sincerely and legitimately. Those all mean the same thing. Very excited to see you. You're one of the funniest human beings dude alive.

[B]

Please. I felt the same way the whole time that I've known I was going to do this because, you know, it's. We have a unique relationship in that we don't see each other very often, but when we do, it's just like the funnest. Like, we laugh a lot and it's great.

[A]

I'm having Like a, a weird dream. That is my life. Right. And you're this delightful little. I wanted to say imp. Is imp bad? I mean like, like an elfish, like, meaning magical. Like it's like I've eaten a lot of mushrooms.

[B]

I pop in when you need me.

[A]

And you pop in. But I'm on a quest and like my quest is just my life. I don't mean it's like a special quest. I'm just kind of doing my things. And whenever I see the Anita Mascaria. Is that what it's called? The red with the white.it's a little hot. And you open the door and you're wearing an apron. There's a little blood on it. Because you know how mushrooms are kind of scary. Sure. There's like some blood on it. Like there's something kind of devilish about you. Potentially. Sure. But I always come in and you serve me little acorn. Acorn caps filled with hot tea.

[B]

Yeah. And like wine or hot tea.

[A]

Plum wine and honeysuckle bread.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we eat it by a tiny fire. And every single time I see you, I die laughing. And I remember that comedy. Thanks. Comedy can be kind of, for its own sake, pure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And entertaining to us, I think. You know, I'm going to put it to you one final thing. It's like I just feel like when you, when everybody likes pirating, but then when you become a full time pirate, then you're kinda like, yeah, I swashbuckle. But like it's my job.

[B]

Like anything, it gets boring after a while.

[A]

It gets boring and it becomes something that you associate with throwing it into gear or delivering. And it's very rare and true to have those imps that you've run into along the way that whenever I'm with you, I just remember that comedy is also what we did at sleepovers. It's what we did at birthday parties.

[B]

It's more of a hangout comedy than it feels more.

[A]

A hangout comedy. Yeah. I never feel like working when I. When I'm with you.

[B]

Yeah, same.

[A]

Which actually goes all the way. But I was going to laugh because two things just came up. One, I was going to say cold coffee. Drinking yesterday's coffee. Mic dropping, buddy. You know, where. What film references drinking cold coffee. The coffee that you leave out overnight and drink it the next day.

[B]

No.

[A]

This is going to seem like I forced it, but it happened. My dinner with Andrew and is there anything that needs to happen more? My Andre the Giant impression is your Andre the Giant impression. Like when I did your talk show, the Andre the Giant Show. It's on YouTube, right.

[B]

You see it there?

[A]

And that's just me, sweaty and red.

[B]

Like I am now.

[A]

But it's jumping around to give it some structure. But the actual day was just me dying. I had never heard someone do Andre the Giant. I didn't even put it together that Andre the Giant was French.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Until I had heard you do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I feel like the world needs my dinner with Andre the Giant.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And.

[B]

Okay, so let me. I'll go. Because we're on a podcast. I can go into kind of the origins of how I figured that out. So in the. I would love nothing more in the brief moment that I did stand up.

[A]

What year is this?

[B]

This is probably like 2004. 2004. Actually, maybe. Maybe more like 2005. 2006.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I had a joke. My closing in my. On my tight five or seven was. My closing was like, I love movies, and I love suspense thrillers, and I love when the. The kidnapper call makes that ransom call, and he's got that modulator on the phone call, and he goes, if you want to see your daughter Again, bring $50,000 to the garbage can behind the supermarket. We have. We have your family. Yeah. Your family is on a ski lift. Your family's on a ski lift. And you'll bring. Stop the ski lift. They're amidst.

[A]

So good. How are you doing that?

[B]

I just figured I could do that.

[A]

There's a power to it. See, when I do it, I go low and I lose power. Like, I can't project at that.

[B]

Yeah. There's. There's got to be a force through. You have to be able to force it through. And imagine being that guy.

[A]

But you are just making, like, a dinner reservation.

[B]

Well, that's how you. The joke was. The joke was, what if he left it on and then calls for, like, Chinese takeout?

[A]

That's unbelievable. We went the same way.

[B]

And he goes. And he goes, you know, And I would do the whole thing. Like, there's a group of guys around, and it's like, yeah, let me get a order of. Let me get, like, five egg rolls, a thing of General Chow's chicken. And then I would go, a thing. I go, what? Well, look at the menu. Because I'm on the phone with the guy now. His friend just walked in. So that. So I would do that joke.

[A]

Look at the menu.

[B]

Yeah, well, hurry up. I'm on the phone with. I'm on the. With the guy.

[A]

Can I say great Comedy points out something that I feel, which is the tension of when you're making an order and someone comes in late.

[B]

I got to get this done.

[A]

Like, you're wasting their time. Where have you been? And they're going to fuck up the order, or like they're going to take it out on us somehow. And it's food, and it's like we're animals and we're weird about our food.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

And some guy comes in and he's casual. You're in. You're in a situation now.

[B]

Where were you five minutes ago?

[A]

And you better pick fast.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the guy that goes, I'll decide. By the time it comes back around to me, you better fucking decide. Or you just. You'll say, I'll have what he's having. Yeah, you better. Harry Met Sally. This shit.

[B]

Yeah. Yes. Hurry up, Katie.

[A]

Let's just point the fan at Michael Gorman, who is a toasty roasty. Sorry. I'm just. I'm just accommodating. I'm accommodating.

[B]

I appreciate it.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

It'll be done in a second.

[A]

I like being like a hot, sweaty boy. Like. Like a boss hog.

[B]

I just am one. Well, like a. Like a. Like a Memphis judge.

[A]

A Memphis judge. Your Honor, if I could just please the court.

[B]

Order in my court, please.

[A]

They always wear white, the color that shows sweat the most.

[B]

See?

[A]

And you can see it's kind of white. Yellow. Yellowy, yes. Yellowy brown.

[B]

Their. Their stuff has been soiled.

[A]

Yes, it's soiled. Give me. Give me a white suit. I plan on sweating quite a bit in the courtroom tomorrow. The first Southern court that had air conditioning. Everybody left that trial and was like something was off. I had my kerchief, but I didn't. I didn't use it a single time. And it threw my rhythm. He was like, ladies and gentlemen, there's.

[B]

No sweat upon my brow.

[A]

How am I going to convince you of my earnestness and how hard I'm fighting for the innocence of this young man?

[B]

There's a drama in that. Down.

[A]

What I'm saying is, they say, don't act with cigarettes. Don't act with food, because. Become this guy. You want to do it like. It's so. It slows you down, naturalizes what you're doing. Same for a Southern lawyer. Don't pat your brow. Let it drip. Let it gather on your eyebrow and then drip down. Drip down as you're addressing the cliffhanger. I want it to flip, fall. Like his friend at the beginning of Cliffhanger.

[B]

Michael Rooker. Michael Rooker's girlfriend in the beginning of Cliffhanger.

[A]

You are living weed. Oh, my God. Just be with.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

I was gonna say just be with me all the time.

[B]

I'm happy to do that.

[A]

I. I appreciate that. But it's also that be with me means, like, be with me. Like, have sex. And that's. That's. Who started that.

[B]

No, that doesn't have to always be what that means.

[A]

I completely agree, and I appreciate your. Yes. And so we were doing the bed. You got.

[B]

You got. Right. So then just some. Somewhere along the line, I picked up that if you put a French accent on that, then it becomes Andre the Die. It's just a subtle French thing that happens. Well, then it becomes Andre.

[A]

It's that day. That day. I. I feel like it's important to the story. I can't say for sure, but I knew you. We had done Ugly Americans together in New York.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I knew you and I knew. Sometimes Pete's memory is smarter than Pete. You know what I mean? Pete might go like, do I want to do something? Like, I don't know. Maybe I was busy. I don't even know. But Pete's memory goes. I seem to recall.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You love being with Michael Gorman.

[B]

Well, we had done the. When we were doing Ugly Americans, our good buddy Dan Powell had that Love Dan separate thing that he wanted to do. Where it was. It was right. I think before the. Maybe it was when the Dark Knight came out and we did the Christian Bale or.

[A]

Well, you're. You're bringing up. Yes. Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman, yeah. And what happened on the day. So Dan Powell had the idea that we could try. This almost always fails, unfortunately, when you try to make a viral video.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And it didn't end up working in that way, but he had the idea that we could make a fake video and say that it was leaked audio right. From the set of the Dark Knight.

[B]

The Dark Knight.

[A]

I think the Dark Knight was being filmed at the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All we knew was Christian Bale and Morgan Freeman were in it.

[B]

So he was like, funny enough, this was before Christian Bale's leaked audio from Terminator Salvation.

[A]

And would that have happened had we not made our video?

[B]

The answer is no. It's a definitive no.

[A]

All things being super connected, I'm gonna say we made that happen. So this is before McJ, that whole thing. Poor guy. I feel bad for everybody.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I feel bad for everybody. I know. I. I don't Mean to make this about Christian Bale, but when people were like, what an. I was like, man, when you make somebody a superstar, like, they're basically walking around with the pressure of a lot. Yeah, of a lot.

[B]

You eat what you cook.

[A]

You eat what you cook. Same ferocious intensity. That makes him great. Is also what makes him snap at McG.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Mick G. Who later we learned was kind of known to be a turd.

[B]

That's what I heard, I guess. I don't know. He's actually my current boss.

[A]

McG? No.

[B]

I start filming on in September on true lies for CBS. And he's one of the. Mick G. McG. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Mick G. And Jimmy Cameron are my bosses on this show. James?

[A]

Never.

[B]

I've not met either of them, but they're my bosses. James, Jimmy Cameron and James Avatar Cameron.

[A]

James Vegan Cameron. And McG, the cinematographer from Terminator Salvation.

[B]

Yeah. Do you direct that movie?

[A]

No, I think he's just a cinematographer.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And you do the best Christian Bale that's of all time. You have to yell at him as Christian Bale day one.

[B]

Oh, maybe I will.

[A]

Day one.

[B]

He's there. He wasn't there for the pilot, but if he's there, I'll yell at him in that.

[A]

Because you. I was going to say, you have to start. I've never heard. I'm sorry to make this morning radio. No, it's the best Christian Bale I've ever heard.

[B]

Well, and that comes from. In Batman Begins, there's a scene where he's talking to Katie.

[A]

Bob's in the kitchen. A little 90s, right?

[B]

And he just said this line that. Where I was like, oh, that. And it was. He says to Katie Holmes, who plays Rachel Dawes in the movie, he says, he's talking about the guy who killed his parents. And he goes. He goes, rachel, I cannot let that pass. And he just had this. He has this thing in his mouth that. Where his tongue is almost too big for his mouth. And, you know, you can't in. And then I could go back and, you know, then you could kind of go back and forth to the British and then, you know, you know, sort of back to American. It's just. It's just this tongue thing that happens. And I don't know if that sounds good in this.

[A]

No, it does. But you would do it. Like what. What we did for Dan Powell was I was Morgan Freeman and you were Christian Bale. And like, five minutes in, I realized my Morgan Freeman was like finger paint Morgan Freeman. And I like your I really appreciate it, but we were trying to do, like, a conversation. It was like, cut. And then you'd be like, we ended.

[B]

Up talking about sandwiches or something. Like, oh, what do they have for lunch? Or something like that.

[A]

Right?

[B]

It was like, I think somebody said sandwiches. It's sandwiches today. Like, something like that.

[A]

Well, and then when you hear yours, which sounds like a real guy, yours sounds like a guy. And then I'd be like, I sound like a guy doing an impression. Well, a delicious sandwich is always good for lunch. And it's like. Is that how he sounds like Morgan Freeman? Like, for real on a movie set? Probably sounds like, well, great. I can't even do it right. It's probably like, deeper.

[B]

Wonderful.

[A]

And then he goes. And then he does his Morgan Freeman when he's like, the Penguins go up the hill.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Four days and seven nights. God, Morgan, you said four days and seven nights.

[B]

It doesn't really work out that way.

[A]

You get one take. Use the 4 from 4 days and paste it over the 7.

[B]

I'm sure I use another number at some point in the.

[A]

In the narrative, in fact. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Just cut to everyone waiting. 7, 8, 9, 0.

[B]

I'm going to 37. 18. He has a. He has a number.

[A]

I always do. 37. You'll never see a movie where Morgan Freeman says 38. Okay.

[B]

Okay, great. All right. Well, funny enough, so we did that audio thing, the Christian Bale Morgan Freeman thing.

[A]

Two years later, spilled coffee on my shirt. Mike.

[B]

Bitch. At least it wasn't yesterday's. And so two conversations were having about.

[A]

The metaphysical are really blowing my mind.

[B]

At least it wasn't yesterday's coffee. That is you.

[A]

Do you have, like a sing song equality? Like, yeah, it's not like that simple that he's like, at least it wasn't yesterday's coffee. Like, he's just kind of, like, kind of happy.

[B]

Go.

[A]

Lucky.

[B]

Every sentence is a presentation sometimes with him. Yeah. I decided today to wear this hat.

[A]

Okay, you were saying.

[B]

Sorry. So two years later or something like that. I was. I had moved here. Were having. I was having. I had a friend over. And he goes. The. I forget what. The conversation, how it started, but he goes, have you ever heard that. That audio recording where they did Morgan Freeman and Christian Bale? And I went, that's me. No, he had known. He knew about the thing and he didn't know me. And I was like, that's me and Pete Holmes.

[A]

No, he believed that it was.

[B]

I don't think he believed it, but he was. He was like, has heard it. And was like, yeah, I heard this guy does a Christian. Or maybe I had done it. And then he was like, yeah, I heard this video, this thing. And he was like, that's a good Christian Bale too. And I was like, yeah, because it's me.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

The same one.

[A]

So what is this thing you're doing with Jim James Cameron?

[B]

Like, yeah, not to force this into.

[A]

The podcast, into that. We call it a narrative.

[B]

I did a pilot in November. So CBS is doing a series version of the movie True Lies.

[A]

Wow. And so the Tom Arnold guy cast. Wait, you're. You're the Schwarzenegger?

[B]

No, no, no, I'm. I play like a new character, but I am a spy that works with him. We're like co workers. And I mean, it's not a spoiler to say, like in the movie, you know, he struggles with Joe Manganiello, who's the Schwarzenegger. Oh, Steve. Howie.

[A]

Steve.

[B]

You might know from Shameless.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And in. In the movie, he's sort of. Arnold is struggling with the juggling the fact that he's a spy, but he has to keep this huge secret from his family.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He's a family guy. And so in the show, I play a co worker spy of the Harry Tasker character who, you know, when he's sort of dealing with this, I'm the guy that's like, well, he shouldn't have gotten married. What a fucking idiot. Like, you know, like, I'm a clown. And like the. He's. They describe him as a harmless misogynist.

[A]

Which is what we call the man for, like, most of known history. Yes, he's a harmless misogynist. Yes, he hates women.

[B]

Yeah. But he doesn't hit them.

[A]

This is a win. He calls them broads. He calls them gay.

[B]

Take what you can get. Take what you're getting.

[A]

It's a win. It's a win. That's wonderful. And did you meet Flock of Seagulls, Cameron?

[B]

No, no, I didn't meet. He wasn't there. Nor was Mick G was. McG was directing a movie in Atlanta. We shot in New Orleans. And so I didn't meet them on there, but we start the. I think we start shooting the series in early September. I don't know if they'll be down there at all, but.

[A]

And this is a single camera.

[B]

This is.

[A]

What if it was a multi cam?

[B]

It is a. Ladies and gentlemen, True Lies, everybody.

[A]

He's not doing shorts.

[B]

He's not doing the Austrian accent. We've lost that from the original, unfortunately.

[A]

And are there cutaways to fantasies? Because remember in True Lies that was kind of a thing was like he'd be test driving the car and it punched the guy.

[B]

Yeah. I mean it's possible we could do that. There's none of that in the pilot. But yeah, that's like not out of the realm of possibility for this show.

[A]

You want a pilot written, right? Jimmy.

[B]

Jimmy.

[A]

You know, there's certain. We call them mechanisms that are established in the world.

[B]

Everyone's blue. Yeah, he's going, he's going full Avatar. I think he's. I think this is just an ad for Avatar and Avatar.

[A]

Do you remember when Avatar came out and everyone thought it was virtual Jamiroquai insanity? That, that it was going to be like cgi. Do you remember that?

[B]

I remember, yeah. I remember like everybody being like, it's going to be the most like CGI or like the, the most involved visual.

[A]

Then we had seen dinosaurs be cgi.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And then somebody was like, no, the whole thing is cgi. Like there is no Pandora, sweetheart. You can't go to Pandora. It's not.

[B]

I don't know if you know this.

[A]

You want to see Pandora. He has a USB drive on him.

[B]

Just to make the point is Pandora.

[A]

He sees Pandora's. And then, and then he drives home and he.

[B]

All the mountains, all the hills, all.

[A]

The rivers, all the bread on this thing going to the dragon. Then he drives home later that day and goes, I should have said this is Pandora's box. Is it too late to go back?

[B]

Turn it around.

[A]

He does a ue on the freeway, goes back. This is Pandora's back. We reveal he's talking to a skeleton. I don't know why he took. He took any human form. So that's incredible. So like you straight auditioned and booked. Big deal.

[B]

Yeah, it was a. It was weird because I had, I had. I had like this three year drought basically of not really doing anything and Covid and all that stuff. And so self tapes were not a thing. And I got to a point where my number of auditions were not what they had been a couple years ago for various reasons. And so I reached out to my agent, I said, can you start sending me out on drama so we can cast a wider net so I can just get out on more stuff and that, you know. Cause you know this.

[A]

And then he was like, yeah. And you're like, also, why am I thinking of this? Why was this my idea?

[B]

You know this. You get pigeonholed into these pockets of like, well, you know, I, and I don't. I never know how to describe myself because I, I wasn't a stand up like you. I did sketch, but I, I came up.

[A]

Here are a few words for you. Dashing.

[B]

I used to, I used to say just one word. I used to go, you know John Krasinski. Yeah. And I go, I kind of do what he does. Like I'm just like a comedic actor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like I'm not a stand up.

[A]

I wasn't. Krisin called his agent and was like, I want to be Jack Ryan.

[B]

Right. And that works.

[A]

And it does work. I mean like I like it. That's always been a show that I'm like, should I be watching Jack Ryan?

[B]

It's fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They have. The Amazon has cornered the market on all the Jacks. They got Reacher, they got Ryan.

[A]

Hey. They got Jack Frost. I'm talking the Michael Keaton horror movie where he plays a sociopathic snowman.

[B]

He comes back to life as a snowman.

[A]

Every movie pitch I've ever had where they're like, it doesn't seem like for us, I'm like, you know, someone made Jack Frost. And then I flick lit cigarettes at each of the executives.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I have my, my assistant holding lit cigarettes that are towards the, towards the nub.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I can feel tiny.

[B]

You want it to, I want it to spin at least to the butt. Yeah.

[A]

Smoke it to the filter.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And hit him in the eye. Ideally, yes. And then I. And then I leave DVDs of Jack Frost. No HDVDS. I leave H. DVDs. High definition video desk, you know, in the black box.

[B]

In the, the ones in the black box.

[A]

They tried.

[B]

They sure did.

[A]

In swooped Blu Ray.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Sorry, you do know we're doing a documentary about hdv.

[B]

About the transition from HDV to Blu Ray.

[A]

Hdv.

[B]

It was a weird time.

[A]

It was a dark time. It was a dark time. Armageddon and deep impact. Okay. So you were saying. Oh, you call your agent.

[B]

Oh. So I said, this is a good.

[A]

Story by the way. You're in a three year slump. This couldn't have been easy.

[B]

No, it was. I, I wasn't getting stuff and in Covid we were doing self tape auditions where.

[A]

Living alone.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So just might go.

[B]

So no, I was, I was, I was base. I was living. I was separated from my wife at the time and I was dating somebody else and I was living with her basically, but using my place as like an office so I'd come home.

[A]

Sorry, you mean the la Way.

[B]

Yeah, the LA way. And. And anyway, so what if you just.

[A]

See me, like, loudly and conspicuously write down separated from wife. You can hear based on.

[B]

I want to go back.

[A]

You're like, that was an S. Yeah.

[B]

Huh? Yep.

[A]

Well, as a divorced, I love talking about divorce. I find it to be helpful and interesting, but we will put a pin.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But I wanted you to. The little glimmer in the Holmesy eye when I'm like, ooh, okay. A heartbreak.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

More lessons learned. Lessons were learned, though.

[B]

I bet.

[A]

Okay, so you're living with your girlfriend who.

[B]

Yeah. So then. So then I, I. And this was kind of before COVID but the first, like, dramatic thing he sends me out on is Perry Mason, which was. They redid that for hbo. And I get it. And first, that was live. That was a live audition before COVID And so I went, see, See? And so more of that came in. But then covet happened.

[A]

This really seems like when products figure out that they have, like, a male. Forgive me. I watch Shark Tank sometimes. They have a male skewing pro product.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And they're always like, make the female version.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And you're like, you guys have this folder mark comedy and this folder marked drama.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're dragging the Michael Gorman headshot just to the comedy folder.

[B]

You don't even have to walk it down the hall.

[A]

You also lose nothing sending somebody out on dramas.

[B]

Exactly, Exactly.

[A]

I. I guess maybe. Should I be telling them to send me out?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you have. That's what you kind of think. You're like, God, do I broach this subject? But, yeah, I kind of had to.

[A]

And then for you.

[B]

So fast forward through Covid and. And was your girl.

[A]

It was your lady at the Friend. Friend at the time. A actor as well.

[B]

No, no. Worked in the business, but not. Not in front of the camera. Okay.

[A]

For some reason, that added nuance to the story, to me to be like, and we're both actors. We're both hitting the bottom. We need help.

[B]

We're both frustrated. I'm drinking in the morning.

[A]

We're drinking in the morning. We're drinking in the evening. And pizza at supper time. When you put pizza on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime. Pizza bites.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bagel, pizza, bagels.

[B]

Is that a sponsor?

[A]

Yeah. I'm sorry, I have to do this. Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening. Just one second. Pizza at suppertime. When pizza's on bagel, you can have pizza anytime. Yeah, you can have pizza anytime. You can have pizza anytime. We got there, you got real good. By the end, you did like a.

[B]

You just gotta bend the nose sometimes. You just gotta bend the notes like.

[A]

A Joe Perry arrows. You moved. You moved it. That was digital manipulation.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sorry. Yes. Dot weird for 50 added to your checkout price.

[B]

Yeah. So in November, I was kind of like that. The True Lies thing came across and I was like, I'm never gonna get this, but I'll put myself on tape for it. And. Because it's an hour long. And it just didn't seem right because.

[A]

It was too serious.

[B]

Read serious. But later they were like. Because what? I just. I did improv. Improv stuff in there to make it funnier.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because that's what I do. And then that's what kind of got me the gig. Because they were like, it's not like an ncis. It's. It's an action comedy. We want the humor in it.

[A]

So all I remember from True Lies was that it was funny.

[B]

It was funny. Right. And so they want to try and capture the tone of that. And so. Yeah, but it didn't read like that.

[A]

It read again.

[B]

You know, if Jimmy Cameron, you know.

[A]

Who'S available for script writing. I would have loved to adapt True Lies into an hour long.

[B]

Yeah. Well, when I saw this, when I saw it, I was like, of course. Yeah, What a great idea. Yeah, of course. This should be a show.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And I'm.

[A]

Is this daughter named Dana?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's my first. Schwarzenegger was just yelling, dana.

[B]

Dinah.

[A]

Dinah. You always bring like. I'm serving, like, just kind of heated up chicken broth. And then you're always like, is there celery?

[B]

I always. I think I revert to, like. I always loved Darrell Hammond's Arnold because he would do the thing that Arnold does, like in interviews. So he'd be like, we went on vacation and we're talking about this and that and all this stuff and all these things. And then we. We climb the. The mountain and we get to the top and we're looking out at all these things and all this stuff. Like he. These little nuanced, like, things that he puts in the middle of his phrases. And so I kind of stole that from him.

[A]

I've talked about it on the POD before, but it's one of the best things you can ever watch is his DVD commentary on Total Recall where no one told poor Arnold what a DVD commentary was. They were kind of new. And he's just going. And this is the scene where I have to put a locator in my nose. And of course, it doesn't fit, so it's very painful to pull it out. And everyone's like, no, no, no. Like, talk about. Talk about, like what it was like on set or whatever. Don't just say, and now Sharon Stone, she's an agent and she's fighting me, and I'm gonna win. But, like, it looks like I might lose. Look at this. I might look. It's just like, right here.

[B]

I might lose, but then I don't lose. Let's flip her over the table.

[A]

I flip her over the table. That was something they only did in the 90s where it was like a fight scene, but it was kind of like, is this sexy? I think I saw a nipple. Like, a nipple was part of it.

[B]

I like this.

[A]

Why do I like this? Just idiot, man. I like this violence.

[B]

I want more of this time.

[A]

What fun.

[B]

Bill Hader. I'm, like, telling Bill Hader story. Like, I know him, but he has a funny story. I think he was like a PA on the movie, like Erasure. And he said that at one point, Arnold was relaying a story that from the shooting Predator.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And he's an. Arnold is making schnitzel hang on a.

[A]

Grill and he goes in the jungle.

[B]

I guess so. Yeah. And then someone came.

[A]

Oh, this is on the set of Eraser or.

[B]

No, he's telling the story on Eraser, but he's talking about Predator, and he's talking about how he's grilling on the set of Predator. And he goes, and. And this is how Bill Hader tells it. He just goes. And Bill Duke. Love the schnitzel. Jesse Ventura. Love the schnitzel. The car Weathers. Love the schnitzel. It's just like. Just listing.

[A]

That's what I mean. There's sort of like a child. Not childish, just a child, like. And it's part of why he was good in Kindergarten Cop and stuff.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is there something earnest and just sort of like. And everybody likes Jujubes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You pull them out. It doesn't have to be at the movies. You put them in your living room. Everybody puts them. You get them stuck in your teeth. Enjoy it later.

[B]

Enjoy it later.

[A]

In the car.

[B]

When you're in the car, you just pick it up. You pick it out of your teeth.

[A]

And you look at it because you want to know what color it is.

[B]

It's like a booger.

[A]

It's like a booger. But it's okay. Nobody minds.

[B]

It could be Red. It could be yellow. It could be green. It doesn't have to be the one color.

[A]

Maybe it's a bunch of them stuck together. Mine is getting worse as yours is getting worse.

[B]

I feel like mine's getting worse.

[A]

No, it's because you're listening to mine. My first was actually from Predator, which was Kill me.

[B]

I'm here. Kill me now.

[A]

Kill me now.

[B]

Who are you waiting for? It's.

[A]

See, it's getting worse. This is perfect. Because obviously I was excited to do impressions with you today. And I was like, I hope my pitch is on and it's off.

[B]

It's. I feel like it's fine.

[A]

Well, that's because you're a good and true friend.

[B]

But it's because you're a good and true friend and you're a liar and.

[A]

You'Re lying to me like a true friend might. You were saying you book true lies.

[B]

Yeah. So it was kind of a rigorous casting, but I did end up booking it. And it was.

[A]

Tell me about the improv process. Do you remember? Because people are interested. Believe it or not. You and I are walking around smoking filterless Camel cigarettes, riding on longboard skateboards down Hollywood Boulevard between casinos. Between casinos. Spitting on the names of our foes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know, on the stars. But there's a lot of people watching that are like, I want to be an actor. I'm interested in acting. And one of the things that's interesting to me about Funny Folk is when you add to the audition in an appropriate way.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And can you think of a line or a moment that you think.

[B]

There was a scene that we did where. So my partner in the show, who's played by Erica Hernandez, who's wonderful. The character's name is Maria, and we have this sort of contentious relationship. We butt heads a lot. And the scene in the audition was kind of like this argument that we're having. And she says something at the very end of the scene. And I think. I think for, like, dramatic stuff, if I were to do this, it's always, like, at the tail end, you just, like, button it with something rather than, like, pop it in the middle.

[A]

This is what I'm saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Most people have to audit a class at NYU where, like, some actors coming in to give a guest. Like. I mean it. Like, we're living in a really good time. If you're trying to get into, like, a. Yeah. Off the path profession. Because what you're saying is. What we're saying is when you're auditioning, you don't Want to up the whole scene and add all of this.

[B]

You don't want to like make it too busy.

[A]

But at the end. Great moment.

[B]

Yeah. You just. So that she says this thing and then I kind of like, I'm. I'm like embarrassed and then I kind of like. Because the. The scene has the Tom Arnold character, Gib in it. He's not in. He doesn't have dialogue but he's there. And so I just kind of turned and was like a. It's a good looking sandwich kid. Where'd you get that? Would you get that sandwich? Or something like that. But it was just like a. Like it's like I don't want to be in this conversation anymore. I want to, you know, do hurt. So like this little funny moment. And yeah. It's just. It doesn't that some of those things don't work to pop something in the middle and make it about you. It works at the end when you serve whatever the thing is you show.

[A]

Them that you can do it.

[B]

Photo realist.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And then you get that impressionist. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

There was another. The other one was the same thing. We're having like a back and forth and then she walks off and I just went or like I made some face. Like I made some face like that's you. Like, you know, that's you. So.

[A]

Yeah buddy, I. I think that's fantastic. I'm also interested. Sorry to keep bringing this back up. Like I'm trying to get you to cry or something but like in the lifestyle of being a comedian and an actor and looking for these breaks, which I'm so I'm not just saying this. I'm going to watch True Lies if only just you. But I would also probably be interested in that anyway.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm gonna check that out. And I love that you book Perry Mason, but a little bit because when people are talking about wanting to be an actor, I think they're just like. They think they're gonna like glide on one roller skate top. Listen to Hollywood and have someone start taking pictures of them. And that's thing.

[B]

You know, that's certainly what I thought.

[A]

Certainly what both of us did in the first half of our careers.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But little do you know, you should have put a roller skating on that other foot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because it's a long ride, baby.

[B]

Two or better. Two or better.

[A]

But that. That dry spell is interesting to me. You were going well and then. And then how did you make it work?

[B]

Well, I. You know. And this is like this Is a cop out. Because it's like, you know, what's the secret? Well, my secret was I sold a pilot script.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

And floated on that through.

[A]

But that's a great secret. It sounds like. Not a secret. Like, you're like, well, I did this other thing that might not be relatable, but I think it should be relatable, because especially when you're trying to make it in show business, it seems like diversifying is always really, really good advice.

[B]

The old model of the triple threat is kind of dead people don't sing and dance an act anymore. But I think.

[A]

Imagine there was a time when guys like us would have been expected to know how to dance.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, would go into auditions and be like, yeah, let's see your moves, periwinkle. And you're like, right away, sir.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Next.

[B]

What is a. Mulaney says that he took tap lessons, like, as a kid because he was watching all these old movies, and he's like, that's just what you do to get in show business.

[A]

And also, he was like, this voice. Get me. Sign me up for classes, and I'm gonna talk like these boys.

[B]

I took tap dancing lessons.

[A]

I took tap. I wanted to do it, and I. Murdered.

[B]

That's spelled with an o instead of murdered. Murdered it.

[A]

Give me a toothpick and two regular. Two chocolate donuts. Give me the same thing to go.

[B]

But, yeah, like, that was. But I think now the. You know, the. The other threats are more like writing and, you know, directing or what. Right.

[A]

Whatever.

[B]

Like, you can't. I don't know. For me, like, it just wasn't working to do one.

[A]

Yeah. No. Who does it work for? I mean, Jason Siegel did this pod. And I really admire him for doing exactly what I did. I probably. I think I learned it directly from him.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Which is, like, guys especially, like, us, like, comedian guys. Not your T cruises.

[B]

Right.

[A]

T cruise is rollerblade into town on one rollerblade.

[B]

Yes. He managed to make that work. I'm not saying it's really just a tiny skateboard, if you think about it.

[A]

A rollerblade.

[B]

Oh, not a rollerblade. A roller skate.

[A]

Oh, my God. It's a footboard.

[B]

Yeah. Because you. Because you would be pedaling with the other foot if you're just wearing one.

[A]

If you wear one roller skate, brother, you're wearing a skateboard.

[B]

You're wearing a little skateboard.

[A]

And you kind of daintily put it up on your foot and then go back, fan. Tastic.

[B]

Just cruising.

[A]

Speaking. Well, what I was gonna say, was I? Even if you're beautiful, I do think in this town it is a cliche that there's like 300,000 people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There are even people that kind of look like T. Cruise.

[B]

Oh, sure. Yeah.

[A]

Take Notaro.

[B]

Does she look like Tom Cruise?

[A]

She has a joke about how she looks like Tom Cruise. So that joke is Tig approved. But what I'm saying is, I don't know. I've been overhearing people in my life lately being like, tea Cruise sucks. And I'm like, cruz is fantastic.

[B]

He's great.

[A]

You can't. Thank you. Everybody that knows knows.

[B]

And I, you know, I guess I'm one of these people that has decided to just set aside the fact that he probably knows where Shelley Miscavige is buried. But I go. I pay to see his movies. I will. I am. I don't.

[A]

That we should have this here. There's always a moment in the pod where I'm like, not sure how to respond.

[B]

And I'm like, yeah, I just, you know, we've kind of put away. We've kind of put to the side the Scientology thing.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Where. But look, I'll be first online to see that new Mission Impossible.

[A]

Are you karate kicking me right now? Yeah, I'll be.

[B]

I think I've seen that trailer no less than a hundred times. I just keep watching it.

[A]

The no doors trailer. I have one note for the trailer. They. They go back to that car with no doors a few too many times.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We've seen a Jeep Cherokee.

[B]

True.

[A]

We've seen a Carlistor.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But. But I'm also watching it. I'm like, they fucking did it. They always do it in those movies where I'm like, I don't think I've ever seen that place. Like, they find some city.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, have you heard of Istanbul?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

30 clicks south.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

There's a town called Yamash.

[B]

30 clicks south, there's a little bridge where we're gonna have Esai Morales fight with a sword.

[A]

And you watch it and you. It. I actually think those movies subconsciously make you just go, like, the world is big.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Sometimes thinking that the world is big, like, when there are all these ugly pockets of the world, like, arguably, we sometimes live in one of. Like, there's certain parts of LA where you're like, oh, God. It just kind of depresses you that it looks so shitty. Then you watch a movie like that and you're just like, some places the.

[B]

Water is clean and there's Fish bluer than my water.

[A]

Maybe we are. Okay. You pick up a fish with your bare hand and just take a bite of it.

[B]

Yeah. Just take a bite out. Just bite the head off, dunk it.

[A]

Right back in the water, and it just bleeds out.

[B]

It's horrible.

[A]

And as he continues to walk towards camera, majestic and glistening in this idyllic place, you can still kind of see the fish bleeding out.

[B]

Yeah. And spasmodic blood running down his chin just a little.

[A]

We. Oh, I'm asking. So you sold a pilot?

[B]

Yeah, I sold a pilot. Like, right as things kind of locked down.

[A]

Tell me the name of the pilot and I'll tell you what it's about.

[B]

Oh, it's. It was called the man from Los Angeles.

[A]

All right. The man from Los Angeles. This is a show. It's a half hour single cam comedy.

[B]

Yes. About a sci fi comedy.

[A]

Okay, don't correct me.

[B]

You're right. I'm sorry.

[A]

The man from Los Angeles. Okay. Now I know it's a science fiction. Okay. And it's in the future, and it's a guy, aliens come, and he's from Los Angeles, and he only knows movies.

[B]

That's all you ruined Close.

[A]

Really?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, my God. Meaning he thinks reality is movies, and they take him and he tells them all about movies, and that's what they think Earth is.

[B]

I like that. That's almost like a. Like a galaxy quest kind of thing.

[A]

A galaxy quest being there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All he knows is show business. So he's the man from last.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna refine it.

[B]

Okay. A.L.I.E.

[A]

Abduct one guy, and they happen to get a guy from Los Angeles so they can learn about what Earth is. And from this, like, parody, you learn that, like, all he knows is what he knows from, like, Instagram and movies and stuff.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So they get a very skewed version.

[B]

Of the world, but they're so impressed.

[A]

But they're so.

[B]

When they try to replicate these.

[A]

Oh, and then they take it back to their planet. Yeah, of course. And they have, like, gifting suites and swag bags and Teslas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're like, this is Earth culture. You. One of the most successful cultures.

[B]

Yeah. This is the Met Gala.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Vanity Fair is an essential publication. They just start saying the things he says.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. It was loosely based on an urban legend called the man from Taured. And the. The pilot was about a guy who's on a business trip in New York, and when he flies back home to L. A. And he Lands. He's in an alternate universe where his best friend's married to his girlfriend and, you know, he has a different job and he's got a sort of. He has to throw himself into this alternate life while he also tries to.

[A]

Figure out, yeah, last time I fly JetBlue, I'll tell you that right now. I'll tell you this, that pilot would be very short. I walk in, best friend, stupid. My girlfriend, I murder him. I don't know what's worse.

[B]

The alternate universe of those peanuts where they get those things.

[A]

And why is the bag so small? It's a six hour flight.

[B]

It's three peanuts in there.

[A]

I need protein. That's a great idea.

[B]

It was fun.

[A]

Is that an urban legend or just like a myth? That just sounds like a fairy tale.

[B]

It was, it's like a story that's out there.

[A]

Yeah. About on the streets.

[B]

Yeah. The story is that in like, it's like 1954, a guy lands in Japan and the same thing kind of happened to him. And then. But you know, so they detain him and they put him in a hotel and then the next day they go and he's gone.

[A]

That's allegedly a true story, right? That's what they say, right?

[B]

Yeah. So I kind of, I kind of poached a little bit of that and then made it my own.

[A]

And what, and what happened? It was hour long.

[B]

No, it was a half hour comedy. It was at a streamer and they. I guess I can just say it. It was at HBO Max. And when I went in with it, they were like, this is, this is exactly what we want. This is like a world building show that's big and has a lot of charact characters and stuff. And then by the time it went through development, as you know, it was like a long process. That's a pain in the ass. By the time it went through and they said no, it was like, you know what, we're actually going to reboot Sex in the City and rerun Big Bang Theory instead. You know, they were, they were. They just changed their model completely.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

And, and so it was not. It was no longer about these big world building just because they were coming off Game of Thrones and I think they.

[A]

West World.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. So, you know, and that's fine. But that happens. Yeah, and that always happens.

[A]

And you're talking to a fellow who's just canceled because they were like, we're going a completely different and well, this is what the best way to get canceled, actually. You don't Want to be canceled because you're like, you stink.

[B]

Is that what that. That was the thing.

[A]

Maybe I'm believing what I was told, but it seems real. Is that they canceled, like, four of their comedies, and they're like, we're doing drama like that.

[B]

I wonder if they canceled your show so they could put mine on, actually.

[A]

I mean, I'm supposed to be like, you son of a.

[B]

You.

[A]

My wife. I would be thrilled if that were the case, because at least it'll be. I mean, not at least. I mean, I'd love it to be a friend and so.

[B]

Right. Right.

[A]

It's gotta be with somebody. I'm glad it's you. I'm drunk. I'm glad CBS is with you, baby.

[B]

I. I wanted to ask you about that because I had. I watched every episode of that show. You did? I did. And I was. I'm curious because, again, like, we didn't know each other then, but I know we came up at the same time. And, you know, when. When we were starting out was, like, the advent of, like, alt comedy. Rafifi and all that stuff. I ended up doing more stuff for, like, the Pit and that. But. Yeah.

[A]

And I'm curious a little bit at the Pit.

[B]

I just ended up doing a lot of stuff at the Pit. And. And I was curious to know because. So my thing is, when I was in my late 20s, early 30s, I'm like, chasing SNL. I want to do this, I want to do that, I want to hop around. The dream is to get on, like, a Parks and Rec or something like.

[A]

That, which you'd be perfect for, by the way. You're like a true dyed in the wool. You're like a Chris Pratt. You should be in Jurassic Park.

[B]

I should be in Jurassic Park. I will bring this up.

[A]

I don't mean the movie. I think we should make a dangerous park and let you die there. No, but, like, you have, like, the first thing I said when you came to the door, I was like, you're always better because the level of funny you are. You should have a hobble. You should be hobbled. And you should. You should have one skateboard shoe. I keep waiting for the. Like, when I'm talking to you. I keep waiting for something to level it. That lets me know why you developed a personality like I did. Mine is boob shadow and sort of like a spotty ruddy Lithuanian thing. You. You could be like a Chris Brown.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I just want to get it out there.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Play that clip for your agent. Old one folder out of two at wme.

[B]

Well, so my. My question is. Is, like, so I was trying for that for such a long time, and then I got to be, like, 38, and I was like, well, someone just hand me a CBS procedural and put me out of my misery and just let me last for 10 years.

[A]

Yeah. Let me ride it out on bones.

[B]

And hopefully that that's what will now happen and I'll have some stability for a long time instead of just hopping around through guest spots. But I was curious because, like, I feel like when in. In the. In the early 2000s or mid 2000s, when we were starting, it wasn't cool to do the multicam thing. Right. You know, like, everybody was looking to do something new and different.

[A]

Weird people all our age were raised with multicam. So I think it might have felt like the old thing.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

You wanted to be on Wilford. Is that the show?

[B]

Wilfred.

[A]

Wilfred.

[B]

I had a pitch meeting at FX one time, and the phone rang. I'm sitting on a couch like this, and the phone rang next to me, and they go, just pick it up and hang it up. And I picked it up, and I hung it up. And then I picked it up again, and I go, what? They canceled, Wilfred. Oh, my God. It did go well in the room.

[A]

It killed. Of course it killed. I think actually, I'm putting this together for the first time. People our age grew up with multi cams, and that was what comedy was. And friends being the tail end of that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Then Arrested Development comes out when we're like, 20. 20, 20ish around there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In our 20s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're like, oh, this is the new thing. This is what you want to be on a show that looks like a movie.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They were doing different things. So then I think that built that stigma also. It's just. It is kind of traditionally a different joke style. This morning, I was writing a multicam pilot, and I was like, I just kind of like it because you can make. I'm not saying. Let's put it this way. Single cam. You're just making a lot more, like, subtle, sort of real grounded moments.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And in multicam, you're free to be like. Like, okay, I guess that's a no.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, it's like that. And.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And that's fun. Yeah. I was this. I didn't. But it's this close to be like a burp and someone be like, I'll take that as a no. Like that sort of thing. But there is A. A music to it. I'm not saying you can't elevate it and do it in a really interesting way, but there's something liberating, like improv comedy, where you're like, if there's a joke, take it. Yeah, do it. Don't. Don't necessarily just, yeah, play it first. Just realism. Let's go see a play today. Right?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So go on.

[B]

Right. No, that was.

[A]

That.

[B]

That's what I was curious about was like, I don't think you're the kind of person that would ever do anything because you felt that you had to. But, you know, notoriously, for those who don't know, like, the multicam thing, the schedules are better now. You have a family. Like, did it. Did it fit better for you now, buddy?

[A]

I've just been. I've been spending the past, like, three. First of all, generous question. Thank you. I've been spending, like, when the show was canceled, I was like, totally fine. I was like, oh, yeah, okay. That's not personal. Mark Gross, the guy who created it, my friend, he called me. He let me know. I was like, oh, that's a bummer.

[B]

Right?

[A]

But, you know, we immediately started looking for the upside. We're like, but at least we know we had been waiting for a while. We're like, at least we have our answer.

[B]

Right?

[A]

We can stop. And, you know, we did a good job and we're proud of it. At least they aired them all. Sometimes they cancel it, like, two in.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And it's over. And I think. I'm not sure how that works, but I'm pretty sure you only get paid for whatever. Your guarantee was not to be coarse, but I think the ones that you didn't shoot or didn't err, I mean, that. That just never happened.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So it goes away. So I was like, at least they aired them all. We're proud of it. All this positive stuff. And then, like, slowly but surely, exactly what you're saying started creeping in, where I was like, I miss my friends. I made friends with all of these people, especially Katie Lowe's. We got really close. My. My TV wife. And the schedule was so good and so fun. And when I say easy, I don't mean it didn't have its challenges because it was just challenging enough to be interesting. But it wasn't so hard that you were pulling your hair out.

[B]

Right?

[A]

But it was. The schedule and the lifestyle was so good that it was impossible to find other people, other actors, comedians that you could talk to about it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because Nobody wanted to hear it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It would be like. You're like me flying to St. Louis and all the shit that goes into that. And you're like, I drive 10 minutes and I go in my parking spot, and you walk on set and flick a lit cigarette at a guy and, like, you fuck. Like, if you could see what a Monday looked like, which is where the script is the roughest. You do a table read, and then later on, you're kind of rehearsing it, but you know they're going to change it. It's mostly so you're on the set. You're in the kitchen with the swinging door, and you're sitting in the chairs at the kitchen table with these friends, and you have your script and the director's there, and you're just. You talk and fuck around and laugh for, like, 30 minutes, and then you rehearse for 15 minutes, and you're like, this is all gonna change. But maybe. Maybe. Go to the kitchen. Go to the fridge. When you say that. Right, let's try it. You do it once or twice, you're done. Early afternoon. I'll say, I pick my daughter up every day.

[B]

Oh, that's great.

[A]

But to your point, and the coolness thing, because when the. When the offer came in, I was like, this isn't, like, cool. It's not like the COVID of Rolling Stone. Nobody's gonna be like, how we roll on spin. Just like I'm on a bowling ball, though, how Pete hums Bowled Over America. And then it says Curly sue reboot in the works, like, underneath it, for some reason.

[B]

Like, it's not that.

[A]

And I. I've told the story before, but I called all of so many of my showbiz friends and asked them their advice, and everybody was like, what. What the are you doing? But I grew up in that. I came up in that Rafifi way where it was it, like, if Eugene Mirman didn't think it was cool, you shouldn't do it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then I'm so glad I did it. And to your point, I would do it again. And Val said to me just the other day, she's like, look, you did a good job. You weren't an asshole. And I've heard a lot of stories about people on multicams kind of having meltdowns.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Because you're the fancy boy on set, and you kind of start to believe your own hype and turn into a dick. No one was a dick on that set. We were all nice. We had a great time. We did Our job, we were funny. We were on time. We had a good time. She's like, I wouldn't be surprised if you got another network, multicam, or network show. And I was like, any day. Like, I've completely flipped. I don't have a lot of people to give this advice, but I'm like, if. If a network calls with a show, do it. And don't just do it, because everybody goes, must be nice. Make a lot of cheddar cheese. I'm like, buddy, cheddar cheese. I get it.

[B]

It's fine.

[A]

I need cheddar cheese. A good one.

[B]

They actually pay me in money, not cheese. This time.

[A]

They pay me in gruyere.

[B]

Why is money always like food? Cheese, lettuce, bread.

[A]

Some good bread for that. Do you just want a sandwich?

[B]

Making your bread and butter?

[A]

Look, I need a job. I need to make some bread. I need to make some bread and butter. I need to make some cheese. I need to make some lettuce. A little bit of green.

[B]

I think you just want a sandwich.

[A]

And then we widen a reveal. They're in a subway. You're gonna love this job. You get nine employee subs a day. But I'm gonna tell you something. We don't recommend you take all night.

[B]

Even you, you have to take all nine. What?

[A]

Good news, bad news.

[B]

You get nine, they watch you eat them.

[A]

Bad news. Jared comes by. This is in the 90s.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Pre scan. Jared comes by. This is pre scan. He says that this is pre scandal.

[B]

What?

[A]

Oh, we knew the whole time.

[B]

Yikes.

[A]

So, yes, I the thought of doing something that you like, this is what you tell me the goal of my life now, and it seems insane, and the majority of the world's cultures would not understand what I'm about to say. But I'm 43 through history. I mean, I'm 43 years old, and just now I'm starting to be like, what would be the best life? Not just like, what will make Michael Gorman look at me and go, gee whiz. What would make Nick crawl, gander at me and be like, how do you do that?

[B]

Yeah, I'm having the same thing. I'm just like, I'm 42.

[A]

A job.

[B]

The same.

[A]

A job. A job. This is what Maddie and I would say. To be a worker among workers, Just to have your place, to do your thing, to do it well. To not be not very 43, not be traveling around, not be chasing it, not be, like, grinding and hustling. Like, I really feel like there's still Some grind in me and still some hustle in me for sure. But like the young man's thing of like, do you want to go to Indiana to do a 3pm show in a firehouse for 28 Mormons? I'm like, what's. Yes. I mean, what's it pay?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I mean, I'm already committed. Like, it pays a tiny bag of JetBlue peanuts.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. If someone told me they wanted to fly me out to Sonoma now. Yeah. To do Trump at the Yellow Tail, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Retreat.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Which I did several times. Like, no, I don't think at this.

[A]

Point those days are over. I'm true lies, baby. But I'll tell you this, and this is kind of interesting, so I hope for you. I called Mike Birbiglia and after the show was going, I was like, you know, it's interesting. I'm not working on a lot of my ideas anymore. Like, I kind of thought like, it satiated every need. There's a great line in Mad Men where Roger Sterling says, when this job is good, it meets every need. And how we roll met every need. It met my social need.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

It met my comedy need, like my performance. I gotta razzle dazzle them.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But like the number one really was the social feeling. Like you belonged and that you were making something with 150, 200 other people.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

Like literally the builders and the light.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So I just felt so satisfied.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was also. We were also good financially, so I was like, I just don't feel the need to come home and work on that movie script. And Mike Birbigli was like, like, that's one of the reasons I don't do shows like that. Like, I think Birbiglia gets offered things like that. I think he says no. And the reason is, is like, there's a certain thing of like, have you seen the movie Big Fish?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, when he, he's in the middle of his journey and he goes into Spectre, the perfect town.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's where Steve Buscemi lives. And they're all like, stay, stay, inspector. Stay, inspector. And he has to leave.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He has to eventually escape. Right. There is the honeypot trap. As I'm saying this, buddy, please put me back in the honey pot. But there are like those Andy Warhol ride or die artists like Birbiglia that are like, there's a risk to doing something that takes you and actually satiates your needs. And it might be you don't write the man from Los Angeles. You know what I mean?

[B]

Right.

[A]

But really consider that like if you're a hovering awareness, looking at your life at the end of it and, and they're like. And that's when you book true lies. And you're like, I remember that. That was the best day of my life. And they're like, actually, look what would have happened if you hadn't booked through lies and they smear and it's like you create the COVID cure, you know, like something like that. I'm not, of course, I'm exaggerating, but there's like. I think you and I are saying the same thing. Like, that's okay. We've put enough of the grind in. Because when we were young, all we did was grind and there's a little bit of a shift in priorities.

[B]

And I feel I. Because I'm, I'm. I was curious about that because, yeah, I'm having the same thing. It's like now I'm. Now I'm gonna. I'm going into a thing where I'm doing like an hour long show which has a little more drama to it. There's a comedy element to it, but it's. The stakes are going to be high.

[A]

Especially after these notes I'm laying out.

[B]

Yes. But it's like not the thing I intended.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm super excited about it and I love it.

[A]

I'm going to tell you something. Everything we're saying is just speculative. Speculative. It's just to give us, not give us something to talk about, but it's looking at the other side for fun. Well, maybe you would have written, you know, Steel Magnolias.

[B]

Oh, but I could have done that.

[A]

But Mike, this is kind of the bigger point and this is my current fascination. I'm like, when. Better life. When. Better life. Right when.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, like. I really think, especially in Western consumer achiever society, I see it honestly with people in my family, like older people in my family, I'm like, oh, you'll just never do it. Because by the time you could retire or slow down the grooves in your brain to work, earn your approval, like, you're only good if you're being extra shiny and killing it. And in the trades and in the mix and all that stuff, those grooves are so in there that I'm like, pick your, pick your person. Meaning. I don't mean to single out Tim Allen, but Tim Allen would love to be back in the mix and can you, can you blame him? But like, should we be or Is it possible to strive for something else? Can I just. Just make my life? I know we're talking about being on a show and having a good life, but, like, instead of Ride or die and not stopping until you get the exact thing you wanted or doing this thing, that's just a wonderful life, right?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. And I. And I. I do think 42. I'm settling into that mindset of, like, you know, I was. I was pretty bummed when I didn't get snl because that was like a dream for a long time.

[A]

You had Ash.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Tell me the store.

[B]

I auditioned in 2011, and I had just. I had, like, just signed with. With my agency and. And they were like, what do you want to do? And I was like, well, I want to. I want to audition for snl. It had been a dream of mine for a long time. And I was like, do impressions.

[A]

And what if they were like, snl? Like, that's when you realize they don't know you at all. Huh.

[B]

Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live.

[A]

Saturday Night Live is. Are you planning a meeting right now? You want to see me on Saturday night?

[B]

This was maybe a mistake. What if I was like. What if I was like. I auditioned in 2011 and I got it and I was on the cast for seven years and they never used me. We're not really sure what to do with you. They didn't even put me in the credits, but I was paid.

[A]

Please don't go out for good night. I tried. I just. What? Tell me who else was auditioning when you were there.

[B]

I don't remember the first time. The second time was in 2013, and it was right when they had that mass exodus. It was like Armisen and Sudeikis and Hayter. They all left. And so they were basically seeing everyone. And I remember, I think the. When the new cast came, it was like, Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney. My buddy John Millhiser got on. He did a season. So it was that. That was the season I was auditioning for. But, yeah, it was just. It was sort of run of the mill audition.

[A]

Yeah. Who did you do?

[B]

Who did I do? I did Andre, I think. Gosh, I don't remember even. I might have done bail.

[A]

I hope he did bail.

[B]

At the time. At the time, I was trying to do a Will Arnett. I haven't done that in a long time.

[A]

I can't do it. I can hear it.

[B]

Yeah, he's just got this low sort of, you know, little love smoker's voice.

[A]

Josh Rubin and I. He. He lets me do his Jason Bateman, which is just, yeah, don't do that, buddy, or something like that. But it's. It's just the. Is all I want to do.

[B]

I've never. I've never done this honest for him because I'm friendly with him, but I. I would. I was. I forget when I was doing this. I think I was just doing it on a FaceTime with a friend. But it was like a scene from Horrible Bosses 3. And I don't do the other impressions well, but I got to do, like, a Sudeikis from hanging around with him. And so it's like Charlie Day would be like, yeah, we need to do.

[A]

Something cool like blow up a bank.

[B]

I was like, that's like, not a bad idea. We'll blow up a bank. And then Bateman would be like, guys, guys, we're not gonna blow up a bank.

[A]

That was great. We gotta do something cool like blow up a bank. Blow up a bank. My sydegus is always Mulaney. Milkshakes. I can't even do it. I'm off.

[B]

My ear is all plugged. He has a thing.

[A]

Milkshakes.

[B]

When you milkshakes. He has a thing where he kind of thinks out loud. Yeah. So, like, he'll have a thought that's not totally done yet. But he just. So he's. He was like, oh. You know, it's like he kind of. You know, he can't find. He's like. He's not. But he's thinking about it out loud.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And so he has these little mannerisms that I've picked up.

[A]

And then Ted Lasso is just that. With a Southern accent, I believe.

[B]

Yeah, it's just. It's. It's. Yeah. Well, Kansas or something.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love it. Need it. Love that. Where were we? We were just in the brink of. Oh, you're SNL story. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Who.

[A]

You did and you did.

[B]

I did. I also did. This was like a karaoke thing that I do is.

[A]

What do you mean, a bit you did when you'd play Duke?

[B]

I've seen karaoke. I will do. What's the hey. Jealousy. But as Dracula. Tell me, do you think it'd be all right if I could just crash here tonight? So I did that, and then when I came off stage, one of the crew guys came up to me. He goes, you know, our stage manager is married to the lead singer of Gin Blossoms. And I was like, no. I was like, I did not know that. But she's like. She loved It. I was like, great. Wow.

[A]

Hey, jealousy.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, jealousy. And I would do like, oh, I forget. I can't think of all the lyrics. But you inject like. Like, you know, tell me, do you think it'd be all right to suck your blood tonight? Like, just adding in little draculisms.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My only karaoke bit is usually we'll go to a Korean place, plays, and there's videos that have nothing to do.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, I love that with the song. And I'll just sing what I'm seeing. So I'll be like, that's a great. And I'm in the cab and I'm with a girl, and it looks like we just maybe broke up. Oh, now we're kissing. And, like, it usually does that.

[B]

I like to do what a Wonderful World. And what I'll do is I'll start it like, you know, I see Trees are green. Louie.

[A]

Clouds of white.

[B]

And I do a duet with myself, basically as Louis Armstrong and myself. And I just toss it back and forth.

[A]

That was one of my. It might be the earliest impression I ever did because when we were in, like, third grade, yeah. Me and my brother would go. And I think to myself, there's a frog in my throat. We thought that was so funny that he just needed to cough.

[B]

I recently thought of a bit. I don't know where to put it, but, like, Louis Armstrong and Jimmy Durante having a conversation with each other. Who's Jimmy Durante? Same voice.

[A]

Oh, okay. He. He.

[B]

He's the nerve. You know, He. He's a little sharper and, like. But it's like, hi, Jimmy.

[A]

Hey, Louie.

[B]

You're like. They basically have the same voice. So you really can't discern who's talking when.

[A]

I want to know who the first person was to play that song what a Wonderful World over, like, dystopian footage. Because that's been overdone so many times. It's like, just show the worst stuff and be like, yeah, I'll do white. They're really saying, I love you. Like the A bomb.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You're like, oh, God.

[B]

Okay, here we go again.

[A]

I'll give to UNICEF. All right.

[B]

All right. Sarah McLaughlin. You got me.

[A]

Same with Sarah McLach. I used to love Angel. Loved Angel. Now I just see a Chihuahua being like, please, yeah, please help.

[B]

It's got one eye. Yeah.

[A]

It rolls out. Severed fish in the background. So you didn't get it. What happened in 2011? Is there any story.

[B]

If I remember correctly, it was. I believe that was the year that Kate McKinnon got hired. And I think they. They had the audition and then were like, you know what? We're just gonna. We're high. We need, like, four women. So we're just hiring women, which. Which happens. For those of you who don't know, that happens a lot with that show where the, you know, you'll audition and then they're like, well, we just need this and this. We don't, you know, we don't need another white, you know, game show host guy. Yeah, you know, we have that. Or we have, you know, we need. We're looking for this. So it just. It was not game show guy. Yeah, they always have the game show guy.

[A]

We already have the game show guy.

[B]

We have the game show guy. We don't need another game show guy.

[A]

At the same time, we have the Pernell. Beck is our Pernell. Kate is our wig. He's just really phoning it in. Who's our Will? Lauren?

[B]

I think we need a will this year.

[A]

Will was our John, and John was our Dan. Oh, those guys were on the same season. Ackroyd. Yeah. Okay. He's malfunctioned.

[B]

Dennis Miller did its own thing, but I never liked it.

[A]

Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by DraftKings. The wait is almost over. A new football season is about to begin. Get ready for the NFL Week 1 action with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. To celebrate the return of football, DraftKings is giving new customers a can't miss offer. Bet just $5 on any football game and get $200 in free bets instantly. Want more action for opening night? Everyone can experience the thrill of DraftKings early win promotion. Get up 7. You win. Bet on any NFL team of your choice. And if your team leads by seven points at any point during the game, you get get paid instantly. Even if your team loses. DraftKings is safe, secure, and reliable. Best of all, you can deposit and withdraw your cash whenever you want. So download the DraftKings sportsbook app now and use promo code weird to get $200 in free bets instantly. When you place a $5 bet on any football game. That's code weird only at DraftKings sportsbook and official sports betting partner of the NFL. Minimum age and eligibility. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See our show notes for more details. Back to the show. Have you ever almost died?

[B]

Great question. Yes, I.

[A]

I. Krasinski.

[B]

I was at a. We were staying at a lake in Michigan.

[A]

Lake Michigan.

[B]

Small. No, it's a small lake about 15 minutes away from Lake Michigan. It's just like a.

[A]

It's a hard lake to be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm a lake in Michigan. Lake Michigan. About 15. No, it's like being Jim Correll.

[B]

And there was this little inlet, and I was sure that I could swim across it, so I rode. I rode a bike around.

[A]

I thought for a second. So I rode my horse. Mike.

[B]

No, I got on a bike. I rode around to the end of the lake to the inlet, and I was gonna swim across the inlet to this other side where there was, like, a beach.

[A]

Forgive the city boy question, but an.

[B]

Inlet is so, like. It's like. Like, picture. Like, the lake is like the Mickey Mouse's face. Yeah. And the inlet is like the ear. It's like a smaller, like, little cove I see within the lake.

[A]

I'm really glad I asked about Mickey Mouse. And it makes me happy. And swim across.

[B]

So I decided to swim across this little section of the lake to this, like, beach area on the other side. And. Oh, no, I didn't ride my bike around that time. I got. My wife at the time dropped me off on a jet ski on one side, and I was like, I'm going to swim. And I nearly made it to the other side, but I got gassed real fast, and I. I put my feet down because I thought there was. I thought I could stand, and I couldn't. I was still in deep water. And I'm watching her ride away, and she turns and I'm waving. I'm, like, waving like I'm drowning. And she just goes, waves, waves. And then turns and goes back to the house. And I basically was like, all right. I took a deep breath, and I went underwater and swam the rest of the way till I could touch bottom, and then I could stand. But I. It was really scary for, like, a good minute. I was like, I cannot hold. I cannot tread water anymore.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So that was the closest to death.

[A]

That the way that we say, hello, everything's fine. The same hand gesture is, I'm dying.

[B]

I'm drowning. I'm drowning in front of you.

[A]

I'm drowning. And you can help.

[B]

Help. Yeah.

[A]

You're on a motorcycle of the sea.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Come get me easily.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Won't even be five minutes of your day.

[B]

Yeah. And she's like, yep. See ya. I'm gonna go have a sandwich.

[A]

Nightmare.

[B]

Yeah, it was. It was off. As I watched her drive off, I was just like, I'm on my own.

[A]

And you. And you went down to make it easier to swim.

[B]

Yes. I just. I just couldn't stay above anymore, so I.

[A]

You were wasting too much energy staying above.

[B]

Yeah. So I went under and I just.

[A]

Thank God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What a nutso. You ever poopy your pants or. When's the last time you pooped your pants?

[B]

The last time I pooped my pants was.

[A]

Can you tell it. It's Christian.

[B]

The last. The last time I pooped my pants, it would have been in, like, 2009 or 10. I had the flu and I'm laying on the couch with, like, 102 fever.

[A]

102 flu poo.

[B]

Some 102 flu po. Which sounds like a children's show.

[A]

And you trusted a fart.

[B]

I trusted a fart too. Too loudly. And I. And I just. What did. I just. I was just watching something, and he said. He said, I'm stealing this now. But, yeah, I stood up and I felt the fart run down my leg.

[A]

Is there another. It seems like you have a bunch of poo story, poop your pants stories.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Is that. I like that. That's like a method you use for your guests where it's like. It sounds like you do. And then they go, all right, the other one.

[A]

Only because you went, well, the last time.

[B]

Oh, I just meant, like, you know, since being, like, a child.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I don't. No, I have not pooped my pants. Well, I think that was the only adult time other than the underwater 69.

[A]

What about the Meaning of Life? We're at that point in the show.

[B]

Oh, Christ.

[A]

Good answer. I'm just. Do you. Did you. Were you raised religioso?

[B]

I was raised in a very strict Irish Catholic house. I went to Catholic school my entire life. Was it grades first through 12?

[A]

Was it everything everybody sees in the movies?

[B]

It was. They had. They had done away with the beatings by the time I got there.

[A]

Good.

[B]

But. But the. The psychological beatings were still very much in play.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

And did you have to do all that? Like, what are the mortal sins, Michael?

[B]

Yeah. You know, they take you to confession and all this. You go to Mass, I think we had Mass was the first Wednesday of every month. You'd go to class, Mass and all that stuff. And we went to church every Sunday.

[A]

I was just. So I. One of the guys I love very much, he's like a father to me is Richard Rohr. He's a Franciscan, which is fun. So that's Catholic. And he was talking about how, like, spirituality is almost all about self surrender. Realizing that your ego isn't and letting it die and waking up to your true identity. So he goes, so really until you're like 30.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like really when you like fully are ready to start going.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's, by the way, when Jesus did it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? 30. You start to kind of go like, wait a minute.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This thing I call PETE is really just an abstraction. I'm gonna let it go and realize we can even use scientific language. I'm. I'm awareness or I'm consciousness, or I'm a part of something bigger or I. It's all one. Whatever you want to say. But the Pete thing is really just kind of like my outfit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But that.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

That self surrender can't really happen until, as Ram Dass would say, his pictures up there. You have to be somebody before you can be nobody. And spirituality is sort of about becoming nobody. So anyway, Richard, a Catholic, was like, until they're that age, all we should be doing is praising them and supporting them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

He's like, just being like, you're good. I see you. Because they need to get all that competition out of their way. All of that energy, all of that zeal for life. They're new. You're new here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You want to touch and run and throw and all that stuff. So, like, it's. All that first stuff is just about giving them a good container. But, like, it's crazy. I'm not saying it's crazy. I think it might be a little misguided to start telling people, like, the serious teachings of, of mysticism or religion.

[B]

I can't when you're like, cigarette till I'm 18. But I'm supposed to embody this life philosophy that is in front. Six years old or five years old, which is which.

[A]

Yes. I. The more I think about it, the more I'm like, I really think that's insane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It should just be. This is your group. Like, it's nice to kind of belong to a group. This is how to be nice. Even though deep down that's not what it's about. But we're going to teach you how to be nice. Teach you some basics, make you a little less afraid of death.

[B]

The right and wrong of it is great. Unnecessary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's a lot. I mean, I don't, I don't regret growing up that way. I. I think it shaped me into a good person. Yeah. But even, even the philosophical thing about it wasn't even the reason why I stopped Going. It was. It's more like if you're fed the same meal, the same dinner every night for 18 years.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're not. And somebody puts something new in front of you, you're gonna. You're gonna go for that. Yeah, I'm done with it. I'm done.

[A]

Loaves and fishes. Every night.

[B]

You get a little. You get a little wafer and a sip of wine. Yeah.

[A]

And some places they dip. You gotta ask ahead. Is this a dip church?

[B]

Do you dunk. Yeah.

[A]

Is this transgressions or sins? When you do the Lord's Prayer. So you. What did what. When you broke away from your Catholic meal, what did you do?

[B]

I think I completely, kind of rejected it for a long time. No meals, no. No food.

[A]

No food. And although atheism is its own food or taking a break from religion is.

[B]

Its own, atheism is probably just as much effort as, you know.

[A]

Sure. Well, it's the way that any world view is. It seems like it's the. I'm out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's. It's hard. You're not off the hook. It would be great if you could just go, I'm out. And be off the hook.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even some. We have friends that just seem so carefree and they don't give a shit about any. Like, why are we here? What is this all about? Where are we going? I don't buy it.

[B]

No.

[A]

Meaning. It's unconscious. Like you might just be going and. And watching the new Sonic movie. Stoned, but somewhere.

[B]

I should have gotten stoned when I.

[A]

Watched me Sonic movies. Me too. Although Benny. Schwartz. You were great. Ben Schwartz. Wonderful Schwartz. One of my best. Schwartz.

[B]

He's a Ben. He's a Schwartz. You put him together. He's been Schwartz.

[A]

But I still think it's at that point. It's latent. It's unconscious. Meaning your existential dread is still at play. You're just not dealing with it. And the work that you're putting off, not to make. Not to say everybody needs to do it, but I kind of think you do. At a certain point, you have to go like. Like, Mike, we're molecules. It's nuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a conundrum. And if you think the origin of these conscious molecules having a conversation on something that we've agreed to call a couch. If you think that's nothing, that's still a very interesting worldview. It's still. It doesn't get you off the hook, is my point.

[B]

Right.

[A]

If you think this is a cosmic accident, it doesn't mean, like, you understand where it's going or what it does next.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Or anything, really.

[B]

Yeah. And that's that. That, to me is like, you know, if you talk to somebody and they're like, you know, and you don't necessarily have to be afraid of it, but if somebody's like, I don't, you know, death. I don't really think about it. It's like. You don't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because that's. Sometimes that's all I think about, you know, or like these heavy things that, you know, you act like doesn't bother you, but you have to think about it. You have to wonder what.

[A]

It's the clock on the game. Yeah. You can't play the game well if you don't know what quarter you're in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And what the score is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I actually. That goes back to what I think Christianity is about at its deeper levels. When you are a fully formed person is not just acknowledging that death is coming, but that, you know, to quote the ancients, the Greeks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We have to die before we die. You have to. If you're afraid of dying, you haven't figured out who you truly are. And that's the work of life, is to go like, wait, There are these things that you use as markers to identify yourself, but they're in shift. They're in flux. They're changing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I can change a lot of them. The extreme example I like to use is like, even if you're like, I'm from this area or I'm this or that, I could somehow extract your consciousness, like in a science fiction movie, and put it in an amorphous blob and move that amorphous blob to a planet that's entirely water. And you just swim with other jellyfish and you're there for a million years. You won't even remember ever being Michael Gorman. But you. The backdrop upon which we write all of those stories will still be the same.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's what spirituality is. It goes, okay, then what is the backdrop? What is the least divisible essence element of existence?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's who you are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And when you can realize you're that, you get a lot less nervous that you're going to die, that the story is going to die.

[B]

Guy.

[A]

Or that the white. The whiteboard is going to be wiped clean.

[B]

Right. I think my grandmother lived to be 100, and towards the end, she really only started to, like, lose her sort of faculties in the last six months that she was alive. And towards the end. She kept saying, like, I'm ready. I'm ready to go. And you hear that when older people they, I'm ready to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I just, you know, you can. The best you can probably hope for is that you reach out a point where you're ready to go when it's time and it's not a surprise.

[A]

You know, that's another one of those. Well, we talk, Val and I. I don't know if it's morbid. We always go, do you want to die happy or do you want to die sad? And I, I don't think. I don't know what the right answer is. If you're happy, you're flush with this feeling of like, I can't wait to see what's next. I want to extend this. I want. Like you're excited about the. Or do you want to. Like, we decided the last time we talked about it, you want to have just rounded a mountain. You did a thing. You wrapped season 317 of True Lies and you've gone over the mountain and you're like, that was good. Like your grandmother. That was good. But you don't want to be like, and tomorrow we shoot season nine. It's like, wait, yeah, but that's, It's a joke. But it's also like the non attachment to things is one of the secrets, it seems, not just how to die well, but just how to live well.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Realize that this conversation is the only thing that's happening is how to have a good conversation.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But if I was kind of going like, and then I'm gonna have a tuna fish sandwich, it's like, that's dividing me. And, and you can let go into whatever, into the mystery or whatever it is, but do you. No. Wrong answer. Do you think consciousness survives the body? Do you think death is the end?

[B]

I think I like to think that, you know, consciousness survives, that it's an energy and then it can't be destroyed. And I think I, you know, part of me is just like, oh, maybe that's the science of it. And then part of me is like, well, this is the hope that I hold so that I just don't go crazy thinking that there's nothing after.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So.

[B]

But either way, it's, you know, it's. That's sort of comforting to me to think that, yeah, at least there's some sort of energy that survives on.

[A]

I completely agree. I. I mean, obviously I, I agree. Everybody knows I'm pretty woo by this point, but Val and I just went to the Brea Tar Pits and we were watching a thing about the end of the Ice Age and what happened to all the woolly mammoths, how they went extinct and just how cruel. Obviously, when you look at it as a story, it's very cruel. Like, even the. The tar pits themselves as they go in and. And then another animal would go in to eat that animal and another one would go in to eat that animal, and there's millions of bones in this one place. And you're just like, wow, that really is a pretty stark example of a pretty uncaring universe that's just like, sometimes the universe is dark and you want to eat.

[B]

This world will. Will literally eat you alive, Right? Yeah.

[A]

And you're going like, well, fuck that. That doesn't really seem to jive with this idea that, like, there's purpose and we survive death and all that stuff. But I was like, no, it doesn't. To me, the awareness that is looking at the eyes of the mammoth is the same as the awareness that's looking out our eyes.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And, yeah, they're gone in the same way that I'll be gone, Pete will be gone. But I think that smallest sampling, the most fundamental thing to both that mammoth and me isn't going anywhere and can't go anywhere.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And that, that isn't that. That's why it's like good news, bad news. It's like good news, you never die. Bad news, you know, Mike o' Gorman dies. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So it's like both. I can't from where I'm standing, and that could be completely wrong, and maybe I'll be standing somewhere else. It's bad, bad news to you, to your ego. I'll never be able to be like, don't worry, you're still going to be number one. You know what I mean?

[B]

Well, that's. I, I think about that. That too, because I think about. I think about the process of that energy and sort of a reincarnation idea where, you know, maybe that energy does go into something else and then, well, if you come back, like, what if I come back as a dog or, you know, someone who needs a wheelchair or, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I think, like, whereas, like, maybe when you're younger, you think, well, I'll just come. Reincarnation is just a human coming back as a human.

[A]

Yeah. But there's a million different ways.

[B]

There's a million different things.

[A]

Well, Dan Natterman had a great bit about that where he's like, the Chances of me being born in America twice. And he was just like, he doesn't want to live.

[B]

I actually think scientifically there is a higher chance than he would think, because if you're buried in the States, your proteins and stuff are devoured and consumed by the planet in this. In the. In America.

[A]

And then you might come back there.

[B]

And then you might come back, which.

[A]

Is why, as a nation, we refuse to grow. It's the same. The same people. We die going, mountain Dew and cheese fries.

[B]

That's why I want to be. I don't. I don't know. I want to be cremated. I would love to be just not embalmed and just dumped off a boat in the middle of the ocean and just not having to rot in a box.

[A]

Would you like to be buried, cremated, or eat by fish?

[B]

Take. Eat by fish.

[A]

I'll tell you, just in case you get as much out of this image as I did. But Rupert Spira, who I love S P I R A, he's incredible. He talks about. He believes reincarnation is a possibility, but he says that everything that's happening is made of consciousness. Right? Which sounds like such a weird idea until you go like. Like, imagine everything's underwater. And like I said, everything's molecules. And I am a activity of that water. Meaning I'm like a little spiral.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

In the water. And that exists for a while, and there's a little spiral, but it's really made. And what he means by that is like, my experience. Just like your experience is just these sensations that are experienced in consciousness. Nothing happens outside of consciousness.

[B]

Right? Right.

[A]

We think we're like. But we're out here. And consciousness is something we use to, you know, experience an objective reality. He's like, there is no objective reality. The only reason we think this exists is because when I do this, something is written on consciousness that I. That I go, it's this shape and it's this.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Gives the perception of, like. In the way that a movement of water gives the perception of a little tornado underwater. And he thinks, if that stops, obviously nothing's happened to water. The tornado, or the. What is it called? Underwater whirlpool.

[B]

Whirlpool works.

[A]

No, Katie's case. We're all stoned right now. Wait, not a squirrel. A bugle.

[B]

It's a bugle of water.

[A]

But then he goes, once that's dissipated, nothing. Water spout. Did you go to waterspout.com? she said, no, but it just. That's what I thought.

[B]

That makes sense. Whirlpool okay.

[A]

It sounds like that should be like a.

[B]

Like I picture that as like a tornado where the top is on the surface.

[A]

Yeah. Like that's a water spout.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

According to waterspout.

[B]

Com. Right.

[A]

So anyway, everything that dissipates is still there. And then if it's. If it runs into another current of movement, it would. That same. All the same bits of water would be reanimated. Right. That's a way of like visualizing what could be happening at a moment. Like death?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Just an image or like, same. I always think about, like, I was fascinated by black holes and how like time slows down when you reach the event horizon.

[A]

Yeah. Scary movie. I don't care for it. I don't even know. That's like out of my pay grade. So you're going towards a black hole and time slows down.

[B]

Yeah, time slows down the closer you get into it.

[A]

How do they know that? They send a little alarm clock, like a 80s alarm clock. They're like, look, it's slowing down so much of science.

[B]

My watch is ahead of the clock that we sent into the event horizon of this black hole.

[A]

That's good science, Jimmy.

[B]

They tied a string to an alarm clock and then they just sent it out and then they pulled it back.

[A]

They pull it back and they go, yeah, time. Then go.

[B]

Watches ahead of this. Time was so.

[A]

And could it just be the hands of the clock? No, it was time itself. Because I don't even know how you measure time now. We are just two stoners objectively. Like, isn't time like, does. Does time exist?

[B]

It only. I mean, it does only because. Well, I feel like we could say anything. We could just have. We could. We don't have to have hours and minutes. We could just have one 24 hour unit of time.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But we've broken it up because of.

[A]

The sun moving around. And we know things are decaying at a rate that is observable.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I really think it has a lot to do with our heartbeats. Gave us this sense of like, sure. Rhythm and this, this, then this and this. But really sorry to freak everybody the out, including me. This now is the same. Now how many. This is also. Rupert Spira, how many nows have you experienced?

[B]

I mean, encounter.

[A]

Right. Or just one.

[B]

Or just one. Yeah, just one long.

[A]

Right, Right. I. I know you mean it seems like frames of a movie that really was all just like.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It was the same one.

[B]

Yeah. Yes.

[A]

Oh, man. My edible just kicked in it was a jujube. You pick it out of your neck. Out of your neck.

[B]

Sometimes it gets stuck in your teeth. You just. You're in the car and your tongue finds it and you just pick it out of your teeth.

[A]

Trying to remember who else. Before we close, let's. Let's not forget any impressions. That is so hot today.

[B]

It is hot, real hot.

[A]

But this is the sleepy summer series. This happens every summer. The episodes just get a little more chill.

[B]

Do we know how hot it is today?

[A]

Oh, but a wet 77.

[B]

Oh, it's humid. I'm trying to remember the old wet 77. Everybody knows I drove that thing around for years.

[A]

What? I'm trying to remember what impressions you do that maybe are more rare or you're more proud of.

[B]

I've been doing this one at home. Are you watching this show? The Offer.

[A]

The Offer.

[B]

It's a miniseries on. I think it's on Paramount. Plus it's a miniseries about the making of the Godfather. So it's actors playing the producers and people who put together the movie. And Matthew Good, who's a British actor that I quite like. He is playing legendary mega producer Robert Evans.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

He's not doing like a totally true to life impression, but I've been doing his impression of Robert Evans just like.

[A]

Around the house from the Kid Stays in the picture.

[B]

Yes, yes. And so I walk around the house and I'm like, you motherfucking cats seem to need to eat every motherfucking day. And I'm just doing his Robert Evans, like, around the house to no one.

[A]

Can I just say I watched a documentary, like a mini featurette documentary on the making of Butch Cassidy on the Sundance Kid. And there's this brief moment where they're talking to the director. And this is around the time, you know, maybe a little before Bob Evans. But like, there was just a time when men just talked that way. And the guy was like, and of course we got Julie. Julie's a hot dame. She's got perfect breasts. And he was like, yikes.

[B]

It's when you're like, my buddy's watching it. And I left. Like, I sent him like a voice memo. I was like, so you say you lost your wallet. Well, that reminds me of the time my wife, Allie McGraw left me for screen sensation Steve McQueen. They met on the Getaway, which ended up being a fantastic picture.

[A]

Fantastic.

[B]

So, yeah, I like that one a lot.

[A]

Any that you do that nobody else seems to do.

[B]

I mean, that's kind of.

[A]

That Bail is your. I know Bail Is your special.

[B]

I used to have a. I feel like I have a bunch. I just can't think of of a bunch.

[A]

But don't even worry about it.

[B]

I mean, Andre is kind of. That's a singular one that I don't. I mean, a lot of people do, like lines from the Princess Bride and kindness will try and sound. But I feel like I have the.

[A]

Fact that the Andre the Giant talk show isn't in its 11th season.

[B]

Well, maybe True Lies can make that happen. I mean, catapult me into a place where I can bring it back. I definitely have thought about doing that again.

[A]

It was so good.

[B]

It's fun. It was very fun to make.

[A]

And this is our final question because we did get into the meaning of neutrinos. Do you. Can you think of the time in your life you laughed the hardest, Harder than you've ever laughed?

[B]

Yes. In. When I was 11, I. My parents. I was born in London. My dad was working there at the time. And so they fell in love with all this British comedy. And when I was 11, Rowan Atkinson had done a tour around Europe, like a couple years prior to that. When I was 11, HBO aired it as like a comedy special. And they were, like, excited to see it because they loved him. And when they were there and stuff, and I had no interest. What's that?

[A]

Mr. Bean.

[B]

Mr. Bean. Well, a lot of people know him as Mr. Bean, but I think his other stuff and his live stuff and his. His Black Adder is so much more. So much more interesting to me than Mr. Bean. But. So there was. It was basically this one man show that he did. He toured Europe with. And I lit. I went to bed that night like I could not sleep because I could not stop laughing so hard at what.

[A]

What was it?

[B]

It was just he. He was doing. He was doing comedy in a way. You know, Bob Newhart does the phone thing, and I had never seen that before, but I was watching Rowan Atkinson does this thing where there was two in particular, where one was, he's playing the devil and welcoming like a new group into hell. So it's like, you know, lawyers, you know, whatever. And. And just like he, you know, and then in the middle of it, he'd be. He'd be like, he, like, you know, loyal over here and stop screaming. You know, just these little. These little accents that like, of course they're in hell. They're terrified. But he's just like an administrator that's checking people off a list.

[A]

It's like St. Peter, but in hell.

[B]

Yeah, yes, exactly. So, like that, just that one man stuff and his little. These little slices of life were so just new to me, you know, because I of course, like, I loved when I was a kid. I loved Ghostbusters and all the things that we love when we're kids. But this was just like, oh, like, you can do this.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

It's interesting. Yeah.

[A]

Is it, is it Bill Murray in Ghostbusters where he goes, it's true, this man has no penis?

[B]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

[A]

When you said that, I immediately went to Bill Murray going, it's true. Yes, this man has no penis. It was like, like, talk about right on the razor's edge of what an 11 year old could hear.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

And love. No, is dirty.

[B]

Yep. Yep. I feel like we weren't so precious back then.

[A]

No. In the 80s it did. It just had to. I don't know. You're absolutely right. I really do sort of worry about, like this. Val said it perfectly the other day. We're sort of just printing money and I don't. She doesn't mean money. It means we're like flooding the market with so much content.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's almost like this absurd. We've entered into a season of absurdity where it's like even watching things, you might hear a joke you've heard on another show. It's all sort of bleeding into itself. And what she means by printing money is there's no scarcity. So you're just like, at the time, it's true, this man has no penis. You weren't like, well, that's like 78,000 other things I've seen. You're just like, no, I've never seen this before.

[B]

I. One of my favorite comedies of all time is Anchorman. I love it. I'll always love it. The term that escalated quickly has been so corrupted and co opted by so many other things that I. I cannot in my mind if, if I'm a writer or director on a film and somebody said that I'd be like, we can't say that. That was. Yeah, that's the joke they used.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So we.

[A]

And.

[B]

And the only other. Yeah.

[A]

That didn't exist until that's the first.

[B]

Time I heard it. It was funny in reference to what had happened because it was like this huge fight that erupted.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was a funny bit. And then I see like Zac Efron at the end of Neighbors was like, you know, they're talking about their sort of neighbor war and he's like, that escalated quickly. I'M like, really? You're just blatantly stealing this line.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

From this thing that had such a reference in. In their own thing.

[A]

Right. I'm fascinated with the history of all things. Because really, I'm not. Not to defend neighbors, but everything sort of like, I want to see a thing about, like, when's the first time you close the refrigerator and the. And the bad guy was right behind it. Or like, when. Or we even make fun of them.

[B]

I thought you're gonna say, open the refrigerator and there's a train. Is that a thing Laurel and Hardy like. Or whatever.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I've seen that.

[B]

With the door.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Muppet babies. Or like, you come home, it's dark, and someone turns on a lamp, and they're sitting in the dark.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, I. I really am interested in, like, break. Because I bet everything that we do, like, was at some. Like, that's gotta hurt. Was new.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

When they did it in the anchorman of 1938.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's gotta hurt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Look out, Billy. That's gotta hurt. We widen out. Mulaney's watching it. This and tap dance. That's how. I'll be the comeback kid. He knows. What a. What a delightful chat. Do you feel satiated?

[B]

I do. This was great.

[A]

Do you feel toasted? Like, pretty hot?

[B]

It's hot. It's hot. But I run hot. I'm always hot.

[A]

Let's kill our. Let's kill our Liquid Deaths. You didn't kill it. And would. There's. This is an interesting moment because it's like, what. How. Who do you say? Keep it crispy. Because that's how we end the show. The guest says, keep it crispy. But, I mean, you could do it. I. There's no shame in doing it as Andre because, you know, I'll laugh.

[B]

I think we should just do that. Okay.

[A]

Thank you so much for being here. And we're all gonna watch True Lies.

[B]

Thank you, Pete.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Thank you, Pete.

[A]

In the time slot.

[B]

And keep it crispy. I can't just keep it crispy.

[A]

Thanks, man.

[B]

Thank you.