Moshe Kasher #2 (Re-Release)

Summary

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Moshe Kasher (#2, Re-Release)
Release Date: July 2, 2025

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Overview

In this much-beloved re-release of their second conversation, Pete Holmes welcomes comedian and writer Moshe Kasher back to You Made It Weird. The episode quickly dives into their signature blend of deep personal reflection, Jewish identity, philosophical musings, and relentless, often absurd, comedians' riffing. The conversation weaves through religion, trauma, humor, relationships, the prison-industrial complex, and the power of embracing one's secret (and public) weirdness. The chemistry between Pete and Moshe makes for both gut-busting laughter and poignant, vulnerable truths.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up & Callback Riffs

• Early Laughter & In-Jokes:

  • The episode opens with Pete and Moshe referencing their previous "fuck guy" conversation, which fans still approach Moshe about at shows (08:02).
  • Extended, hilarious bits riffing on impressions—especially "racist Stephen Hawking," bad Schwarzenegger impressions, and video game nostalgia (10:00–13:54).

• Jewish Stereotypes and Gallows Humor:

  • Playing with sensitive topics ("Scrooge McDuck is Jewish," "did you get the secret call on 9/11") as a way to deflate hate and distance themselves from, rather than endorse, stereotypes (25:45–30:43, 29:03–30:43).
  • Moshe explores the purpose and power of lampooning stereotypes—to reveal their absurdity and rob them of power.

2. Moshe’s Upbringing and Family History

• Deaf Parents and Complex Jewish Lineage:

  • Moshe shares about being raised by two deaf parents, a father with a wild artist-to-devout swing, and a family roots in Hasidic Judaism (24:07–35:12).
  • Describes the duality of his upbringing—secular life in Oakland, CA mixed each year with immersion in a rigid Hasidic community in New York (73:20–77:49).

• Bar Mitzvah Trauma & Religious Shame:

  • Moshe details the alienation and fear of being "found out" as not truly religious, faking yeshiva attendance, and how childhood shame lingers into adulthood (90:49–99:49).
  • Shares a pivotal story of owning his difference—returning to New York as an adult with long hair, letting go of shame, and truly "becoming a man" (118:45–121:37).

• Memorable Quote:

  • “If you could go back to the place of your deepest childhood trauma and have it physically manifested on your head… I took a deep breath and let my hair spill down onto my shoulders like Samson. That day, I became a man.” —Moshe Kasher (120:45)

3. The Function & Necessity of Humor in Facing Pain

• Gallows Humor through History:

  • The historical roots of Jewish humor as a survival tool in times of oppression—including jokes in concentration camps and Moshe’s own family’s legacy of “some laughter, some tears.” (36:24–39:10)
  • Pete relates personal experiences with performance anxiety and using pain as fuel for creativity and personal growth (35:15–36:08).

• Notable Exchange:

  • “Anything you ever laugh at, you’ll never be ashamed of again.” —Moshe recounting an AA speaker’s wisdom (113:08)

4. Deep Dive: Law, Justice, and The Prison System

• Religious Law vs. Secular Law:

  • Moshe explains his rabbi brother’s research: religious law’s obsession with righteousness and justice vs. Western law’s focus on victory and winning (52:06–52:43).
  • References Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning in discussing how, tragically, the most compassionate perished in the Holocaust camps (53:14–54:33).

• American Prisons as Modern Slavery:

  • A serious tangent on the racist roots and present impacts of mass incarceration in the U.S.—specifically the transition from slavery to segregation to the war on drugs and then to mass imprisonment (40:45–45:32; 45:35–48:38).
  • “The criminal justice system is a form of new slavery dressed up to look like justice.” —Moshe Kasher (43:54)

5. Intimacy, Love, and the “Wolves & Dachshunds” Metaphor

• Monogamy, Fear of Losing Freedom, and Childhood Patterns:

  • Moshe, once a self-described “fuck guy,” talks about his first real relationship (with Natasha Leggero), the difficulty of moving from transactional sex to true intimacy, and ingrained fears from his mother’s overbearing love (59:20–67:17).
  • Pete and Moshe use the metaphor of the domesticated wolf to describe the ambivalence of leaving bachelorhood for committed partnership, the nostalgia for independence, and the challenge of building a “prison” for oneself out of love and habit.

• Notable Exchange:

  • “The furthest distance in the Universe is the 12 inches from your brain to your heart.” —Moshe Kasher (59:59)
  • “Every once in a while… I miss yelling at the moon.” —Pete Holmes (69:01)

6. Religious Texts, Belief, and Cognitive Dissonance

• Questioning the Torah and Bible:
  • Pete and Moshe discuss the paradoxes in “divinely inspired” scripture, how Jews and Christians deal (or don’t) with the idea that humans wrote and redacted religious texts (82:10–86:07).
  • Touching on the Mishnah, oral Torah, and the Jewish embrace of scripture’s ambiguity (“Only a fool would believe that all of the midrash are true, and only a fool would believe that none of them are”—85:04).

7. Pain, Authenticity, and Finding Joy

• Coming Full Circle—Embracing One’s Past:
  • Moshe recounts the transformative experience of confronting his childhood fears and letting go of religious shame, while Pete celebrates humor and openness as tools for healing (121:00–121:41).
  • The value of “no secrets” and sharing your weirdness as liberation (113:42–114:21).

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Opening Bit:
  “You made it weird. You made it with. You made it weird. Oh, yeah, you made it weird.” —Moshe Kasher (00:00)

• On Jewish Humor and Survival:
  “The Holocaust says they’ve made one too many Holocaust movies. It’s almost become obscure, cartoonish... At this point, when I see a poster for a Holocaust movie, my instinct is like, oh God, they’re doing this again. But there was joking in the camps so that people could make it through the most miserable points of existence.” —Moshe Kasher (36:38)

• On Self-Acceptance:
  “Why do I care what these strangers in a shtetl in Brooklyn think? Oh, no, he’s not religious. I’m not religious. Yeah, they’re right… What are they gonna do with that information? They’re just gonna go back to life.” —Moshe Kasher (121:00–121:07)

• On Laughter and Shame:
  “Anything you ever laugh at, you’ll never be ashamed of again. I think that really resonated with me. So I think that’s why I tell jokes about any subject.” —Moshe Kasher (113:08)

• On the Divine Comedy:
  [Running “medium soup” joke—as stand-in for the arbitrary and absurd in religious/familial life, emerges repeatedly, e.g.,]
  “The question is, if there’s an all-powerful God, can he make a cup of soup that is medium enough even for him?” —Moshe Kasher (107:53)

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Important Timestamps

• Moshe & Pete catch up, callback to first episode: (07:30–08:10)
• Impressions: Racist Stephen Hawking: (10:25–13:54)
• Moshe’s childhood, deaf parents, Hasidic upbringing: (24:07–35:12)
• Gallows humor & pain through laughter: (35:12–39:10)
• American prison as slavery, systemic injustice: (40:24–45:34)
• Intimacy & domesticated wolf metaphor: (59:20–69:11)
• Bar mitzvah shame & reclaiming adulthood: (118:44–121:41)
• AA wisdom: Laughter and shame: (113:08)

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Tone & Style

The tone is comedic, freewheeling, and deeply honest. The episode shifts effortlessly between irreverent, sometimes dark humor (riffing on racist stereotypes, Holocaust jokes, and phone sex lines), heartfelt vulnerability (reflecting on trauma, shame, and the search for authentic selfhood), and intellectual/philosophical discussions about religion, history, and the meaning of law and justice.

Pete’s role is a mixture of supportive friend, playful instigator, and philosophical sparring partner, while Moshe oscillates between storyteller, social critic, and deeply personal confessor.

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Conclusion

This episode is a quintessential You Made It Weird experience—raucous, searching, and unafraid to explore taboo or uncomfortable terrain in pursuit of understanding and, most of all, connection through humor. Whether discussing the trauma of not fitting into strict religious molds, the quirks of Jewish identity, or the profound desire to be known and loved, Pete and Moshe bring listeners laughter, insight, and reassurance that everyone’s weirdness—public or secret—is worth celebrating.

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Transcript

[Moshe Kasher]

You made it weird. You made it with. You made it weird. Oh, yeah, you made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Podcast Announcer]

What's happening, weirdos? This is a summer re release of Moshe Kasher, the second time he was on the show. I picked this episode because, looking online, lot of chatter, a lot of chatter about this. I believe it's episode 197, 193. Being the most beloved, you made it weird of all time. And yes, you could have just looked for it, scrubbed through the archives trying to find it, but it's so fun to re release it, so it shows up in all the weirdos feeds and we can get that cozy feeling that we are all listening to it and enjoying it together.

[Pete Holmes]

So we're so glad you're here.

[Podcast Announcer]

Moshe is doing his Endless Honeymoon podcast tour right now with with his hilarious wife, Natasha Leggero, starting July 3rd in Los Angeles. Then he's July 6th in Oakland with Kamau Bell. July 15th in Seattle with Sir Mix A Lot. July 16th with Kyle Kanane in Portland.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they're going to be.

[Podcast Announcer]

He's going to be doing standup in Eugene, Oregon, July 17th through 19th. Tickets are all available at moshacasher.com as are my tour dates. We got them all on there. We got some new dates on there. Chicago, we got Florida at the Miami Improv.

[Pete Holmes]

Lots of stuff. Cleveland, Ohio.

[Podcast Announcer]

Spokane, Washington. Boston, New Jersey. We're going to be adding New York very soon. All of Those are on PeteHomes.com Hope.

[Pete Holmes]

You can be there.

[Podcast Announcer]

And the show. We don't do traditional ads in the sense that I only promote things that I actually use and actually love. So, Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage and then we'll get right into the episode. Hit it. This is brought to us by one of our newest, Pete's Picks, which is absolutely not only changed my life, but revolutionized my life, which is Kenobody, the makers of some supplements that are truly transforming my energy levels, my willingness, willingness, my motivation to exercise, and my decisiveness. What am I talking about? I'm talking about testosterone. There was a study that found between 1987 and 2004, men's testosterone dropped about 1% per year. That means 30 to 40% lower testosterone than their grandfathers had in the 80s. I didn't even know that was a problem. I went to my doctor, they checked it. I was normal, low. So I started taking Keno body mojo and I'm like, is everything testosterone? It is a huge, huge game changer. I'VE noticed I'm feeling way more motivated, way more driven, more creative. My workouts are longer and easier and my energy is way up, including my blood flow and wink, wink, everything that that could possibly mean. That's why I think one of the reasons they call it Mojo Testostero is linked to dopamine, which is our motivational hormone. And dang, I am setting goals. I'm getting up earlier and when I have something on my to to do list, I'm full on Nike about it. I just do it. Mojo is the solution I didn't know I needed. It gives your body the vitamins and minerals it needs to produce testosterone naturally and lower cortisol, our stress hormone that gets your Mojo back. I love all of Kino bodies products, but especially Mojo. I love shred, I love nitro, and I love Kino Octane which is their all natural pre workout that gives you energy and euphoric focus. Try any of their products. I swear by this company they are legit. You can get 20 off at kinobody.com K-I-N-O-B-O-Y.com with your first order when you use promo code WEIRD. That's 20 off at kinobody.Com we're also brought to us by our friends at Element. Speaking of working out, speaking of the hot summer months, healthy hydration is not just water. It is water and electrolytes. But so much of the 80s and 90s and electrolyte drinks meant a flat soda. Element is here to fix that. It floods every cell in your body with healthy hydration. What does that mean? It means sodium means potassium and magnesium in the perfect dialed in ratio to give you that boost to flood you with hydration to keep away fatigue, brain fog, cramps and just make you feel fantastic. For years I've been drinking Element before I do shows. I I drink it first thing in the morning. It just jump starts my day. And now that we're doing all these hiking beach days workouts here in the hotter months, you need to get this in your life. Try their lemonade salt which is available now through the summer. It's their new flavor. It is unbelievable. Even if you've tried Element in the past before and it wasn't for you, Lemonade salt is a game changer. So get healthy hydration into your life. Go to drinklmnt.com weird you will get a free sample pack of every flavor with any purchase. That's drinklmnt.com weird.

[Pete Holmes]

All right everybody. We're so Glad you're here.

[Podcast Announcer]

Moshe Casher returns. He's back. Let's enjoy. Get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

This is where you sit. It's been a while. It's been a while, little chum. I'm wearing my earphones. It's funny because we were just talking in the car.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's different now.

[Pete Holmes]

Do we do that?

[Moshe Kasher]

Do what?

[Pete Holmes]

A bunch of yo's.

[Moshe Kasher]

We could.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we talk about. I just was crying with laughter. Crying with laughter. We're not going to get specific, but it was. Because it's a little too graphic.

[Moshe Kasher]

But the.

[Pete Holmes]

Or whatever. The idea of a studio. Can we say it? It's like your private idea.

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, it's a private idea. We could talk about it.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want people to steal it.

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, I. Someday we'll do it, but we can't really have the fun with it because it was about such a specific character.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it was about a specific character, but let's just say someone was taking a dump.

[Moshe Kasher]

We have a lot of fun with shit. We were talking shit.

[Pete Holmes]

We were talking shit.

[Moshe Kasher]

We literally were talking shit.

[Pete Holmes]

We quoted my friend Rob Buscemi, who's done this show, and we were talking about how talking shit is one of the few pleasures. And that led to actually a real.

[Moshe Kasher]

Good shit, shit story about someone taking a shit with her mother there, stroking her hair to help her along. Steam, for some reason, inexplicably coming up from her ankles. Cause I imagine like a pipe burst due to effort.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. Well, that's all I want to say, if I'm being honest. What really made me laugh was the idea of a TV show, including footage of a woman straining to take a shit. Just. And we were going.

[Moshe Kasher]

Honey, you go, go.

[Pete Holmes]

And this. There's a scene happening next to them that has nothing to do with it. That's all we'll say.

[Moshe Kasher]

How are you, Pete?

[Pete Holmes]

Are you comfortable with that?

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm totally comfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

How are you, Moshi?

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm fine. Are we already recording? Is this the podcast?

[Pete Holmes]

What are you doing a bit?

[Moshe Kasher]

No, this is. There was no intro.

[Pete Holmes]

There was no intro when you did it.

[Moshe Kasher]

What were you.

[Pete Holmes]

Episode.

[Moshe Kasher]

It was a long time ago.

[Pete Holmes]

What episode number were you. Do you know what?

[Moshe Kasher]

No, Aristotle's on it. A stock. A Stop, Stop again.

[Pete Holmes]

Aristotle over here.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, man. Yeah. It was a long time ago. You know, things have changed.

[Pete Holmes]

Things have changed for both of us. It's a big journey. It's a big journey. Well, that. That's something we were talking about on the way over because we've given this no thought, but I just wanted. I wanted to have you back on for a long time. And he was episode number six.

[Moshe Kasher]

Number six. And what episode are we on right now?

[Pete Holmes]

This is like 1 97.

[Moshe Kasher]

You know how. You know it's been too long since you've been on one of your good friends podcasts? When people ask you, or you see on the. On the Internet, people go, you should do an episode with Moshe Kasher. And they're like, it happened already.

[Pete Holmes]

It happened almost 200 episodes ago.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's insane. This is before all the hubbub.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's true. You helped us break into the hubbub.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, I'm sure I played instrumental part.

[Pete Holmes]

We owe you big time.

[Moshe Kasher]

That was a good episode.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Fuck guy. That's what people do. They come up to me after shows and they go, you're a fuck guy. Right? They're referencing our episode.

[Pete Holmes]

They want some counsel.

[Moshe Kasher]

They want some dick.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the girls come up and say, dick counsel. They want some dick.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, I'm sure they don't. They just want to talk. They want to connect to me on a Pete Holmes level.

[Pete Holmes]

Mm.

[Moshe Kasher]

And I have to tell them, honey, sweetie, let's go into the bathroom, take a shit. I have some bad news.

[Pete Holmes]

And as it plops you, you go, I got a girl.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm not a fuck guy anymore. Well, you got.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you still are.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the thing. You are. We've discussed this a little bit after I've had. Since my ex wife, I've had three girlfriends. And then I took a break. I was single for the first time. Kumaila and Emily.

[Moshe Kasher]

I thought you were gonna say you took a lover. I took a lover that winter. That winter I took a lover. I wintered in the woods and took a lover indeed. Even as the fire burned low, I laid her down upon that bearskin rug and I took her there and she became a woman with my gauntlet. Why were you wearing a gauntlet? Now I'm picturing you naked, laying on top of a young woman with two gauntlets on. Because, you know, the gauntlet is like the.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what it is?

[Moshe Kasher]

It's like a wrist chalice? No, a gauntlet is something you actually wear on your wrist. Or. Or conversely, it's a really cool Hercules multiplayer game from the early 90s.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome, Blue Warrior.

[Moshe Kasher]

You chose Elf? Yeah, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Back in those days, if a video game talked, you were onto something.

[Moshe Kasher]

Wait, are you the one that does an altered beast joke? Rise from your grave. Rise from your grave.

[Pete Holmes]

It always sounded like they were underwater a little bit. Welcome to your doom. That's what he would say before he threw his face at you.

[Moshe Kasher]

Do you do any impressions? I do two. Do you want to hear them?

[Pete Holmes]

Since you've been on the show, I've done a lot of different impressions.

[Moshe Kasher]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

What? On the show? On this show?

[Pete Holmes]

On this show.

[Moshe Kasher]

I think you did a Picard. I remember.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Moshe Kasher]

On the show. Remember on your show, Frill Pussy.

[Pete Holmes]

Captain Picard, because he's on the holodeck and he's like, computer, show me two Dominican MILFs. I'm just watching.

[Moshe Kasher]

I do Stephen Hawking.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's hear it.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's not a particularly groundbreaking one.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to hear it.

[Moshe Kasher]

What should I say?

[Pete Holmes]

Steven, what's the name of your book?

[Moshe Kasher]

My book? My book is called My Book. My book is called I hope they Serve Beer in Hell.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not your book. It's called.

[Moshe Kasher]

My book is called the Game A Guide to Giddling Pussy While Still Chained to a wheelchair Due to Lew Gehrig's Disease. My body is a prison while my mind is freedom incarnate.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't say my body's a prison.

[Moshe Kasher]

I didn't. Steven did.

[Pete Holmes]

But you gotta make it better with but my mind is freedom incarnate.

[Moshe Kasher]

I am one of the great geniuses of this time. But even I do not like people of color. That's racist. Stephen Hawking.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you think of Chinese people?

[Moshe Kasher]

They're Chinese hard workers. Without them, no railroad. But I don't understand why they don't just speak English. It's America, for God's sake. Speak English, goddammit. Even I, who cannot actually speak at all, choose to type in English.

[Pete Holmes]

English.

[Moshe Kasher]

It sounds like he's got an accent, though. But that's pretty. That's one.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm weeping a good amount. They're committing to English.

[Moshe Kasher]

Say what you will, Adolf Hitler. He certainly has some good ideas. And boy, oh, boy. What a public speaker.

[Pete Holmes]

Racist. Racist. Stephen Hawking. Boy, oh, boy. Boy, oh, boy.

[Moshe Kasher]

My favorite. My favorite rock band. Definitely. Damn Yankees. Wow, that Ted Nugent. What a shredder. And also what a patriot.

[Pete Holmes]

Patriot.

[Moshe Kasher]

English. English hard workers. Somehow he's got a software that at the end of every sentence, it just upticks a bit. English incarnate. Hard workers. The nude. Hold on. I want to sing my favorite damn Yankees song. Can you take me high enough? It's never over. Whoa. Do you know that song by Damn Yankees? Can you take me high enough?

[Pete Holmes]

That's a Creed song.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, it's not. Or maybe it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, that was a joke.

[Moshe Kasher]

So that's one.

[Pete Holmes]

Uh huh.

[Moshe Kasher]

I feel like I shouldn't even bother doing the other one. That was so fun. English, you're tuned in too. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a small child.

[Moshe Kasher]

Small child.

[Pete Holmes]

I just saw a small child and it wasn't Gil.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh man, that was fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, I feel like as a host, I should buffer so you don't feel like you need to follow Steven Hawking.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. There's no way that she can get that in there.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'll go up and I'll do some time. I don't know what I should do. I, you know, I lean on Schwarzenegger a lot. It's very fun.

[Moshe Kasher]

Your Schwarzenegger is really great. You know what the secret to a good impression is? I'm not an impressionist at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Moshe Kasher]

But I feel like the secret for me to a good impression is not being good.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I'm gonna agree with you. And it also has a lot to do with when I was married. I said this before. When I was married, I used to feel like, I think maybe I could do impressions, but I didn't believe in myself. And there was something about, like, being married that solidified me being like, well, this is who I am. You know what I mean? There was something final about it.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, I've already become the man that I am.

[Pete Holmes]

I am him. I am he.

[Moshe Kasher]

I am him.

[Pete Holmes]

I did the English, I did that wrong. But for some reason, then when I got divorced, I was like, fuck it. I'm gonna be like, like, I'm a real sucker for bad comics doing like a Schwarzenegger.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, here's Schwarzenegger coming. Like, sure I will. I'll laugh at that. I'll hate it. You know what I mean? No, there are some things, you know what I mean? I'll hate it in a way.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, I understand what you're saying. There are some things that are so funny people do sincerely that if you say, like, I used to do this joke. Yeah. I used to do this joke where I would say, you ever be fucking a bitch? And it's hilarious. Well, I would say, I would say, you'll be fucking a bitch. You'd be all fucking her, you know, I'd be like, oh, I'll fucking you, bitch.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

And then I went in this joke. The real joke was like, people should stop calling women bitches.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's misogynistic.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Moshe Kasher]

Blah, blah, blah. And I don't know what they're talking about. They're like, dog, you got to come to this party. There's gonna be tons of bitches there. I'm like, oh, no, that's the. That's the joke. But the. The. The impetus to the joke was I was an open mic. I don't know if this is jokes thievery or not. I don't think it is, because I saw this open micr in Denver. He was saying, you ever be fucking a bitch? But, like, there was no jokey twist. He meant it. Do you ever be fucking a bitch?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

I just thought it was so funny that a person said something that stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? That bull, you know, Was he a black man?

[Moshe Kasher]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Hell no.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, no. I would not have stayed that night to watch that bullshit. What's up with this deaf comedy?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. Racist. Racist. Stephen Hawking. What are you doing back?

[Moshe Kasher]

This comedy jam was the worst thing to ever happen to comedy. The blue collar guys, man. That's my shit. I love that Dunham. You know you're a redneck when your body no longer functions due to als. No, no, no, no. He goes, you know you're. You know you're a redneck when your neck no longer is manipulatable by your own brain. You have to have an assistant move it for you. I'm gonna piss people off.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Well, that's kind of. That's a little bit of the fun, I suppose. It's kind of like. It's like laughing in church is. Nobody thinks ALS is funny, but this is. It's cartoonish, I guess.

[Moshe Kasher]

I don't think it's funny. It's just, you know. And also, Stephen Hawking's not racist. I'm sure he's not.

[Pete Holmes]

It would be funny if he was. If he just had some really close. I'm. You know, he's a three dimensional person. We think of him as a guy who's like, let me explain the universe to you in colloquial terms.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right, right. Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

And, you know, occasionally he's like, that Janet you had over yesterday. She's a cunt.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, no, a hundred percent. That's the whole thing with Martin Luther King. You know, people. You know, the great Achilles healed Martin Luther King is people say that he wasn't faithful to his wife, but it's like, well, of course he wasn't. There isn't a Jesus. I mean, there is, but, you know, I mean, no one's a real saint. They don't. That doesn't really exist. You know, Gandhi had. Gandhi was a wife beater or something weird like that. He was. Well, Aristotle, look it up. What's wrong with Gandhi? There's something bad about Gandhi too.

[Pete Holmes]

Gandhi.

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, everybody's got a problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome back to Going Going Gandhi, where we break down iconic figures of history.

[Moshe Kasher]

You're tuned in to go and goin, Gandhi. I got here on the line. I've got. Got Mother Teresa. Now, Mother Teresa, it says here that you were firmly against birth control. Is that correct?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know. I didn't know if I was. You know, see, and like, fully acknowledge. I don't think she was Spanish, was she?

[Moshe Kasher]

What was she? She was from Calcutta. But was she Indian? I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

I think she might have been Indian.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. So she would have been more like, hey, welcome. Right? I mean, am I right, guys? Am I right, you guys? No. What did you find? What is it about Gandhi? Bad thing about Gandhi.

[Pete Holmes]

Going Going Gandhi. Up next, Ryan Seacrest hates the Jews.

[Moshe Kasher]

That actually probably is true.

[Pete Holmes]

Well.

[Moshe Kasher]

Intolerant and tyrannical.

[Pete Holmes]

Really. What did you google? What's wrong with Gandhi?

[Moshe Kasher]

I googled Gandhi was a bad person.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Moshe Kasher]

Googled Gandhi was a bad person?

[Pete Holmes]

Did it fill it in for you? At what point? At B?

[Moshe Kasher]

Not at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Not at all. It kept trying to change your topic. It was like, Gandhi's great.

[Moshe Kasher]

You know, one of the things that people don't know about Bill W. The guy that started Alcoholics Anonymous, people within AA know, but they don't like to talk about it too much and they like to excuse it away.

[Pete Holmes]

Only ate venison.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's correct, yeah. Mm. No, he would not go down on his wife. No, I wanted it to be that. He's like.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted it to be that.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, me Bill W. You think Bill W. E, P, S E. Motherfucker, Please. No, he took acid.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, I knew that.

[Moshe Kasher]

You knew about this. He took acid and mushrooms. He took acid and what was the 60s? Yeah, he took LSD.

[Pete Holmes]

You know that like Cracker Jack in the 60s, it would have the prize. The paper that was wrapped in was actually acid.

[Moshe Kasher]

Wait, what does that mean?

[Pete Holmes]

That's how prevalent acid was.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, oh, oh, I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome back to Going Going Gandhi.

[Moshe Kasher]

Our guest today on so the first, it was a drive time Going, Going Gandhi. And now it's npr. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

So I'll be Drive time. Well, hey, everybody, and welcome back to Go and Go and Go Gandhi, where some of your favorite heroes of the civil rights movement are proven to Be pieces of shit. And then npr.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome back. Going, Going. Gandhi, act one. Our show today in three acts. Act one, Bill Huxtable. Wait, Cliff Huxtable.

[Moshe Kasher]

Bill Huxtable. Bill Cosby, Act 2. I know what you're doing, Claire William Allen.

[Pete Holmes]

Act 3, Act 3, Martin Luther King of philandering.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, it's more like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that one. Martin Luther King.

[Pete Holmes]

Every show, every act, slightly about kings philandering.

[Moshe Kasher]

Stay with us.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great show. Stay with us. That's a good show. Why is that considered a podcast? I don't think that's fair.

[Moshe Kasher]

It isn't fair.

[Pete Holmes]

NPR's a show. Yeah, it's like a real show.

[Moshe Kasher]

They put it out of the podcast with a million dollar an episode budget or more.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a podcast. I'm not saying. I'm saying they're better. That's a better show.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm with you.

[Pete Holmes]

And we are a podcast, and they are a show. It happens to be over the radio waves.

[Moshe Kasher]

So, okay, where were we? Wait, no, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

You were talking about. The shocking thing about Bill W. Was that he took acid.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh. Not only was he really into acid, he was into niacin. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I told you both of these things.

[Moshe Kasher]

You did not tell me this. For real, for real, for real, for real. I knew this stuff before I even had medicine.

[Pete Holmes]

Milligrams of niacin a day.

[Moshe Kasher]

You're tuned in right now to lying podcast host, today's guest.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, then, Moeshe. I'm just surprised because those are two of my fun facts. In fact, we were just at a party. I was talking to one of our friends. He used to be a big booze hound, and I told him to take vitamin B3, which is niacin.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's supposed to help.

[Pete Holmes]

In fact, I've done it. It does help.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'll tell you this when I.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's hard? Not wanting to drink. But you don't booze.

[Moshe Kasher]

Well, I'll tell you this. Speaking of niacin, when I was in rehab, which was. I've been in rehab many times when I was a kid. I went to rehab a bunch.

[Pete Holmes]

That's when you want to go when you're a kid. Yeah, go when you're a kid.

[Moshe Kasher]

I went for the first time when I was. When I was 12. 13. I was 13 years old.

[Pete Holmes]

Bar Mitzvah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Bar Mitzvah. So it's almost 14 years old when I got sent to rehab for the first time.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what you did with all the money?

[Moshe Kasher]

You Got no. You don't know that story?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh. What I did with all the money I got was. This is a true story. That's crazy. You don't know this. This is pretty much the crux of my current touring hour is this story. But do you want to hear the story? Of course. Tell the story. I.

[Pete Holmes]

We're not gonna cover the basics. This is episode two.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, man. I, act two. Act two, in which the boy has a bar mitzvah. Martin Luther Queen, open bar mitzvah. I. What was my bar mitzvah?

[Pete Holmes]

Was gonna laugh for open bar mitzvah.

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, oh, an open bar mitzvah. Because I was an alcoholic, but I wasn't yet. I was at that point. I was still there Was still. Spoil it. Okay, well, here's the thing. I was acting my bar mitzvah. First of all, you know, my father didn't invite. He refused to invite my mother to my bar mitzvah. And he did this convoluted explanation of how it would have made everybody there uncomfortable because he was religious and she wasn't. But he didn't. He didn't invite my mom. And at the time, I was so filled with weird religious shame that I kind of accepted it. You know, my dad, when my mom.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not normal. It's normal to not want a woman.

[Moshe Kasher]

To, like, dance with the Torah very much. Not normal.

[Pete Holmes]

I would say it's more normal to bring the woman.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And have her watch you sing with your voice all cracking and be all cute.

[Moshe Kasher]

I don't know. I should go back. I should take a step back because I think all we covered was sex. Right. On the last episode.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a big sex one.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. But for those that didn't read my book, my parents are both deaf.

[Pete Holmes]

Casher in the rye.

[Moshe Kasher]

Casher in the rye.

[Pete Holmes]

Still waiting for a cease and desist from J.D.

[Moshe Kasher]

I wish, man. I wish.

[Pete Holmes]

Big public.

[Moshe Kasher]

We're a little past that point, I think. But yeah, my parents are both deaf. My parents got. They divorced when I was a kid. Very young, nine months old. My mom moved us from Brooklyn to new. To Oakland, which is where I grew up. And I was raised in Oakland. But my dad, as soon as my mom left, he sort of plunged into becoming religious. And so when I flew back, my family going back is very religious. My father's mother was the first non religious Jew in many, many generations. I mean, these were all Yiddish speaking, straight up, like Fievel goes West type of, you know what I mean? Like legit. Were they Jewish?

[Pete Holmes]

He Had a baggy hat.

[Moshe Kasher]

He was Jewish. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Fievel was Jew.

[Moshe Kasher]

Feivel was a Jew. Yeah. And the cats were Cossacks. And you know that they stole that idea. I've heard they stole that idea from Maus.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna say for mounds. I read mounds.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew that was about the Jewish.

[Moshe Kasher]

And Mouse was coming out and then all of a sudden they heard that there was a Disney version. They had pitched something to Disney and all of a sudden they heard there was a Disney version coming out that was a lot less hardcore.

[Pete Holmes]

Disney would never do anything against the Jews. You take it back. When I was in. When I was in Disneyland, I wanted to make a Vine with Walt Disney about the Jews because he's holding hands with Mickey and he's putting his hand up. And I wanted to be like, not a Jew in sight. But I couldn't do it. I was afraid of the Gestapo. What you say?

[Moshe Kasher]

He comes to life.

[Pete Holmes]

Get over here, bitch.

[Moshe Kasher]

You Jew lover, you. Get out of here. Gorsh. Mickey, you need some help taking care of this here Jew lover?

[Pete Holmes]

Help me find his teeth in his blood.

[Moshe Kasher]

What's the tooth? That's Donald. But it's funny that Disney wouldn't be in the Jews because they had a very prominent Jewish character, of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Who?

[Moshe Kasher]

Scrooge McDuck.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, he's a scotch.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, but he's a Jewish guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Scots are also cheap.

[Moshe Kasher]

He would go swimming.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, in the stereotype.

[Moshe Kasher]

He would go swimming in piles of gold.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the Gargamel is the.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's literally. That's a bar Mitzvah ceremony.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why you don't let us see.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, that's the inter sanctum.

[Pete Holmes]

And now to go back for a quiet cup of tea.

[Moshe Kasher]

We'll talk to you later, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Malt door.

[Moshe Kasher]

You know. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I think spinning the coins out there.

[Moshe Kasher]

I.

[Pete Holmes]

Now let's go work in that bank. From Harry Potter.

[Moshe Kasher]

Gringott. That was so intense.

[Pete Holmes]

That was an anti Semitic cartoon.

[Moshe Kasher]

That was so crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

That was so. How did that slip by?

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, it was crazy bankers with big noses that are short and greedy. It's like, come on, I'll show you to your vault. Right there. Vallani, please sign this form in triplicate. You can follow me. Well, you're a comic, eh? What do you think of Henny Omen? One of my favorites. I did like Seinfeld. If you'll follow me. Do you have the soup in a medium size? Soup? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't quite want a cup.

[Moshe Kasher]

I don't want Quite a bowl. I don't quite want a bow. I shouldn't have to pay for a large sou. Or if I don't want that much soup, I shouldn't be forced to get two small soups. What I'd like is a medium soup. It's a simple request. The reason that I'm saying that is I was in this kosher restaurant and I saw someone. This old Jewish couple. This old Jewish couple. I remember, by the way, my family's all Jews. My brother's a rabbi.

[Pete Holmes]

In case you get dumb, Moshe's Jewish.

[Moshe Kasher]

Very Jewish. People sometimes say, like, I talk too much about it. It's like I. It's so big a part of my life. My brother's a rabbi. My family's all Hasidic Jews.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my gosh.

[Moshe Kasher]

So I was in this. This kosher restaurant, and this old Jewish couple, this old Jewish couple, they brought him a soup. Like a cup of soup or. No, a bowl of soup. And then they brought somebody else a cup of soup. And the old guy goes, excuse me, you didn't tell me that there was a cup size available. You should have mentioned it before when I ordered the bowl of soup. And I was just like, oh, man. It's like a. It was a rough. It was a rough day.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me a medium soup.

[Moshe Kasher]

I want a medium. Welcome to Gringotts. No, I don't go in for all that magic stuff. Follow me.

[Pete Holmes]

I got bad blood pressure. I don't know if I'm allowed to do it, but I sure am right there having a fun time with stereotypes.

[Moshe Kasher]

What was crazy, though, as a Jew, was when we got the call on 9 11, not to go in.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, oh, my God. When you said not to go in, I thought you meant, like, not to get into something deep.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, we all.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean when you got the alert not to go in?

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. Every Jew got a call that day. And of course, none of us called our friends and family who are not Jewish.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

We're gonna. We couldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

As is your way.

[Moshe Kasher]

We couldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

Some of us wanted to.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

But we were unable to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Why?

[Moshe Kasher]

Because it's a. It's a part of the agreement. I mean, what are you gonna do at the meeting? At the money meeting?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

There are rules that are.

[Pete Holmes]

Who lets you spit it?

[Moshe Kasher]

Welcome to the money meeting.

[Pete Holmes]

The most distinguished man comes from the coin.

[Moshe Kasher]

I said, welcome to the money meeting. They're falling off of him. Now, look here. I actually have a theory about this kind of stuff. I've Been criticized at points for digging into these stereotypes and my jokes and stuff. But I think that there's power in digging into the stereotypes because they are that ridiculous. There was, in fact, a call.

[Pete Holmes]

We're making fun of a grotesque stereotype in the Harry Potter movie.

[Moshe Kasher]

And I think it's helpful, though, because it shows in full repose how ridiculous and absurd these people really believed that there were no Jews in the towers in New York City on 911 in the all county. In all the Jews had been called that morning and not gone in and not called their friends that they'd been working with for decades because people believed that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

And in fact, my. My, My stepsister's father. Does that make sense?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not going to try to follow that.

[Moshe Kasher]

Was killed in 9 11.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's a Jew.

[Moshe Kasher]

Was a Jew. I mean, I know why I'm saying that. Of course there were Jews.

[Pete Holmes]

Evan Forsh was a. Is a New Yorker cartoonist that I worked with. Jewish, worked in the Trade Center. And, you know, it's so silly to say that he got the joke, but I saw him have good success with the joke. I guess I missed the call or something like he. He would make that joke.

[Moshe Kasher]

So. Okay, so my family's Jewish. Oh. So. So by the time I went back to see my father, right. I was 6 years old and I found. And my father, I. And I think you were 6 when I saw my daddy.

[Pete Holmes]

Less than 19 months to 6.

[Moshe Kasher]

I think my dad came to visit us in Oakland when I was like, four.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

And then when we were six, he won visitation rights. There was a horrible, bitter custody dispute. So we fly back home like medium.

[Pete Holmes]

Soup levels of dispute.

[Moshe Kasher]

Like almost that bath. Almost that bath that my father, I think in the Gulf that my. Of emptiness that my mother left when she took my brother and I and herself out of his life.

[Pete Holmes]

He filled with the Torah. He filled with the first four books of Moses.

[Moshe Kasher]

But what was interesting was he. My father was a painter. He was an abstraction. Abstract impressionist painter, deaf abstract impressionist painter. He was a real freako artist who was a colorist in the fashion industry. And he was a painter in the Lower east side in New York in the 60s and 70s. And he's deaf. And Marcel Marceau, they say this is family legend. Marcel Marceau. Saw him doing some performance art, invited him to come on the road with him to be his like, understudy because he was so physically gifted, because he's a deaf man. He was a funny guy and very charismatic, very beautiful. I always describe my dad as like a king. Whatever. A king had a good king. Not like, you know, somebody's Pliny the Short or something. Like one of the good ones, you know, like a Charlemagne. Yeah, yeah, whatever. They had my hat. My father had like a. Like a whisper of it. People worshiped.

[Pete Holmes]

He was regal.

[Moshe Kasher]

People just loved to worship him. There are certain people like that. Oh, sure. And I don't mean people like you, Pete, who people are fans of. That's a different thing. There's a person, certain kind of personality where people want to worship them. You want to worship at their feet.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Just because of their.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think I've run into that at all. I don't ever known anybody. I don't mean me.

[Moshe Kasher]

My best friend growing up was like that. Like people. Obviously, I. No, he was a. He was a banker at Gringotts. So we. So anyway, so he was this weird painter. I mean, he was a real freako. I mean, you know, nudes and just like. Like he. If I could show you a picture, I mean, you would see like, oh, this is like a cool beatnik type of dude. Ye. When I flew back to New York, I'm six years old.

[Pete Holmes]

You go alone?

[Moshe Kasher]

No, I went. Yeah, I took it Took a private jet. Well, I took the JIU jet.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that was free.

[Moshe Kasher]

Of course it was. I mean, it wasn't free.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard to know when you can take it because there's so many holidays.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's right. We can't go on Shabbat. But I flew back and my father had become incredibly religious. He had. So my grandmother, his mother was like I said, she was from a line of religious Jews going back hundreds of years. And my great grandfather, when he came over, left all of them in Hungary and came over and started making a living to try to bring them over. This is before the Holocaust. The thing, the made up thing that we use to get sympathy from the world. My mother. We're just doing the thing. I'm just leaning into it at this point. I'm sorry, I don't know how to respond. You shouldn't. No, but my point is, before the Holocaust, my great grandfather came over and while he was away, he was gone too long and my grandmother decided, fuck him, fuck this, I'm done. And she was the first non religious person in the family for fucking generations.

[Pete Holmes]

Where did she go to? Atheist.

[Moshe Kasher]

Atheist. She's an American Communist Party member. She was a civil rights activist. She was a.

[Pete Holmes]

She became a humanist.

[Moshe Kasher]

Absolutely. She became a Jewish Leftist intellectual. Literally communist.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

American Communist Party member. Married my grandfather, who was a Yiddish novelist who would write with Shalm Aleichem. Do you know the famous author Shalm Aleichem? And there's. That's his name. But anyway, he was a famous author. He wrote something called Some Laughter, Some Tears, which, if there's anything that more exactly illustrates the Jewish historical experience, it's the name of that book. Some Laughter, Some Tears. That's what we do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So I kind of want to interject.

[Moshe Kasher]

Please.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want to talk about the role of pain and humor.

[Moshe Kasher]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

Just. Just for two seconds.

[Moshe Kasher]

No one could. No one could be more. I love. This is my topic.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I thought you were going to just make fun of me and be like, no one could be more aware of pain and stuff. Like, I haven't had, like, exorbitant amounts of pain in my life. But, like, I'm just talking. I was just talking about at the party we were just at, where I was like, you have a bad set that you need that bad set. The most mature thing I've done recently as a performer was we were taping shows, and the first show was great for the TV show. They were great, but I wasn't, like, feeling magic. You know what I mean? Good. You know, you go home and you go, good. This is now. Now in comes the. The tide of pain, and it is. It's painful. I know I'm being dramatic, but it's very painful. You're gonna replay it every moment, a thousand times. You sleep, but your brain is churning like if it was a laptop.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you wake up and you have something to fight against that pain. That's why the. The Jewish idea of a sense of humor and some laughter, some tears is perfect. And we're not necessarily just saying the Holocaust. This is. This is a hugely oppressed people throughout just period.

[Moshe Kasher]

I think that gallows humor is one of the, like, the most powerful and important things, you know, people that made it through. And the Holocaust, because you know what? I was thinking about the Holocaust. Not to put a pin in your pin that it's been put in, but I.

[Pete Holmes]

Please don't forget your story. You're talking about your father.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm not going to. But. But the Holocaust says they've made one too many Holocaust movies. It's almost become obscure, cartoonish.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

At this point, but they've almost dug into it too much. Because at this point, like, when I see a poster for a Holocaust movie, my instinct is like, oh, God, they're Doing this again. But there is so much like, there was joking in the camps so that people could make it through the most miserable points of existence.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you imagine? In fact, I just took a moment to imagine any sort of terrible situation like that, finding someone with humor. I'm not saying there was a happy guy. I'm saying everyone's miserable or, you know, everybody's there. But there was one guy that had how hungry you must be for some sort of.

[Moshe Kasher]

I swear to God, I've always fancied. I've always had a fantasy that I would have made it through. I swear to God, I would have made it through the Holocaust because I was funny. That, like, the German, you know, like, Viper, would have been like, come here. I heard you are funny. Please stop performing. And I would have been like, you know, taking my, like, my cap off with, like, a patch on it, put in my hand and been like, medium soup, please. And it would have been like, oh, here's good. Come. Come to the Biajal. And I would have somehow survived in that way. I didn't mean that.

[Pete Holmes]

I just meant, like, with your comrades, with. With your people, like, adding some. You mean you would go and, like, sell out?

[Moshe Kasher]

I just mean, like, you know, there's this trope, and. And it's true that people would make. The way. The way that you would make it sometimes is that somebody would identify you, had a skill. If you were a silversmith, then they would bring you in. They'd be like, well, you can smith the silver.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's in a much less extreme and a fictional circumstance. It's Shawshank Redemption when he finds out he can do his taxes.

[Moshe Kasher]

Correct. Exactly. So I've always had this fantasy that I would, like, you know, be performing in front of a buddy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm the same way. Mine wasn't the Holocaust. Mine is war. I would have survived war because people would have looked out for me because I was the guy. At the end of the day, I'm like. And bullets are flying, like, oh, bajoo. And then comes Big Tony, and he's got a fucking guy's leg on his arm, and he's running like. I've never seen him run before. Everyone's dying.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's Pete. He's so funny, man. Pete. This technology doesn't exist yet, but in 60 years, if they ever create a way to make a radio show. Not on the radio, some sort of information superhighway, I really think you should look into that.

[Pete Holmes]

I promise I will.

[Moshe Kasher]

Go on without me.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's so funny because that is a real fantasy that I've never thought about or talked about publicly is the idea that people like it. Kind of. This is completely different from the Holocaust thing, but it's almost like you make yourself useful to your pack. You know what I mean?

[Moshe Kasher]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That. That was my fantasy, was. I was like, if I'm funny, and then the. The extent of that fantasy is I'm wounded and they'll go back for me because I told those funny jokes.

[Moshe Kasher]

Well, I think about it, like, in terms of prison, like, how would I make it through prison? I've always had that. That thought, how would I make it to prison? And I think the way that you and I would make it through prison is through talent. There has to be. They would want us around.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. I hope.

[Moshe Kasher]

I hope, you know, through talent or through, like, really, like, the butthole, like a tight. You know what I mean? But I think we'd make it. You're white, so you. You could join the white people. This is my great fan.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I actually say it's funny that you say that. That is one of my biggest fears is the prison. First of all, prison is so fucked. I'm not just saying that to be like, oh, Pete's a good guy. He sees that prison is a bad place. I just think the American prison system is so weird.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, it's slavery. The prison system is slavery. Straight up.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Moshe Kasher]

The prison system is, you know. Okay. This is. We're really tangential. Is that okay here? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want me to write anything?

[Moshe Kasher]

It doesn't matter to me. I'm happy to come. I'm happy to come back. The point is it, you know how, like, these white racists in.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that was my fear.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I would have to go to the white racists.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, you would.

[Pete Holmes]

That I would be so afraid for my life that all of a sudden I'm getting a fucking tattoo. The. What is it, 44 or 88?

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, 88.

[Pete Holmes]

Heil Hitler.

[Moshe Kasher]

Say that again.

[Pete Holmes]

The 88. If you see a white supremacist or if you see someone with 88 on their arm. Where did I get this?

[Moshe Kasher]

No, no. What did you just say, though? What?

[Pete Holmes]

I said that the HH stands for H. What? Hotler.

[Moshe Kasher]

Hi, Hal Hitler here, and thank you for tuning in to Go and Go and Gandhi.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm your host.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm your host, Hal Hitler. Do you need a place to put your money away, but are tired of going to that door pit of Jewish vipers over at Gringotts we'll come on down to Hal Hitler's credit union. Hal Hitler's, where we'll never treat you like a Nazi. Unless of course you're a Jew. No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. So please. Yeah, you're slavery. I'm interested.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, okay. Like, okay. You know this, like this, this, this sentiment is like when people go like, okay, yeah, man, to black America. Get, get over it. That was then, this is now. Get over it. You know, that kind of sentiment. I was thinking about this the other day. So there was slavery, right. We had slavery then after slavery there was like a four year reconstruction period where things were looked weirdly good, but then it just plunged right back into segregation. Yeah, right. So you had slavery then buttressed right up against it was segregation, which ended in what? I don't know, 60, 65, 60. I don't know exactly. But let's say then you had the 70s, then in the 80s you had the war on drugs, which is where they would. They just reconstituted the messaging so that they could find another way to make black Americans be enslaved and oppressed and separate from society. So when you say get over it, you're really just like talking about the 70s or like a year or not at all. And you know what, people are trying to have a good time in the 70s. You know, they were like in Bell bot that was time for to wear bell bottoms and celebrate.

[Pete Holmes]

You're saying the 70s was the only time when we didn't have a repackaged slavery thing.

[Moshe Kasher]

My thing is really, I'm trying to be a little bit funny about it. But in fact, when you think about it like that, that it went slavery, segregation, war on drugs, there's never been a time to get over it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Moshe Kasher]

So you know that more than 70. I think it's something like 70%.

[Pete Holmes]

There were prisons in the 70s and there was a.

[Moshe Kasher]

But they didn't have the war on drugs. And the war on drugs is when they reconstituted the law so that we could begin to lock away every single person violated a drug. It's basically just a gussied up way to lock black men away.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Do you know 70% of black males will be in jail at some point in their life?

[Pete Holmes]

70%.

[Moshe Kasher]

Look it up, Aristotle. Let's see if I'm right.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, I just sounded like an infomercial. 70%.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's right, Pete, 70%. So how do the question becomes how do you stay out of prison? But no, no, I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

That was racist. Stephen Hawking.

[Moshe Kasher]

Stephen Hawking. Made a reappearance. I don't know why we're talking about this. It's too intense. But it's true. I really believe this. The criminal justice system is a form of new slavery dressed up to look like justice so that everybody can celebrate and bang the pots, you know, as we lock away an entire generation of people.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. And I'm also familiar with the. This is a common saying I believe is like, you got to put someone in the prisons. Like, they keep building the prisons.

[Moshe Kasher]

They keep building the prisons because they've changed the laws to lock people away for forever.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're going to put people in those prisons, but find ways to put.

[Moshe Kasher]

People in those prisons? Absolutely. I mean, it's. You know, we're there.

[Pete Holmes]

We're.

[Moshe Kasher]

Anyway, so my dad moved to.

[Pete Holmes]

So then you're saying once they're in there, when people say slave slavery, typically you think that they're being used for work or something, and that even when you were gonna take it there, even.

[Moshe Kasher]

When they're not being used for work and in some prisons, they are. I just saw this documentary about Angola. It's called Life on the Farm. And Angola is the largest prison in Louisiana. It's like 8 fucking city. And they take them out into the field in Louisiana. And the prison guards are on horseback with weapons as these prisoners sit and till the fields in the South.

[Pete Holmes]

That doesn't remind me of anything.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, I mean, it's fucking crazy. Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a documentary.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. So when, like, people are constantly being locked up who did nothing wrong. Constantly. Who didn't even violate drug laws, they just violated the. The racial profiling that looks at certain people and says they must be involved in drugs in some way. So, anyway, I don't want. I mean, this is. I don't even know if this is compelling, but I definitely believe.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it is compelling. I'm compelled. Don't.

[Moshe Kasher]

Here's why I think that. Don't. Don't do this. How Hitler.

[Pete Holmes]

We had some huge laughs up top.

[Moshe Kasher]

I know. And now we're delving.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you've earned it.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, good.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very interesting. I just.

[Moshe Kasher]

Don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what I was gonna say is I. There. There is a part of the human brain, psychologically, that can't handle when we're looking at injustice on such a huge scale. You know what I mean?

[Moshe Kasher]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

There's lots of things in this way we just can't handle them. It's kind of like childbirth. We've talked about this on the show before, whereas Childbirth is so traumatic and painful. One of the woman. The job of the woman brain. Female brain.

[Moshe Kasher]

The woman brain. No, it's called a woman brain.

[Pete Holmes]

The woman brain. You know, the smaller woman brain.

[Moshe Kasher]

Going, going, gone is back.

[Pete Holmes]

The wonderful, glorious. Now I make it clear that I was joking. The female brain has a thing in it that's unique, I believe, to the female brain that erases the trauma of childbirth.

[Moshe Kasher]

Is that true? Oh, the physical trauma of childbirth, yes. Oh, that's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Will help you forget it.

[Moshe Kasher]

I can believe that.

[Pete Holmes]

But then like similarly, when we get into big conspiracies and stuff, actually there was. They did this 911 conspiracy on PBS. And the thing that made it interesting was one, that it was on PBS, but two, that the third act, act three was about why people won't accept it. It.

[Moshe Kasher]

Why people won't accept it, why you.

[Pete Holmes]

Won'T sign seal delivered. That's not mine. Stevie Wonder reference.

[Moshe Kasher]

I like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that was not bad sign. Still delivered.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's not mine. Won't accept the trauma of childbirth. Well.

[Pete Holmes]

But also won't accept the enormity. Something. What you're saying when you say 70% of a black of black men will be in prison. I go, what do we do? And then you. I can feel your. My brain. Not necessarily right now, but go like, let's just shovel some snow on that. Well, similarly, you can say the same thing about factory farming. You can say the same thing about a lot of huge issues. Certainly human beings come first, and that is way different from factory farming. I'm just saying there's a lot of things we're turning a blind eye to.

[Moshe Kasher]

I understand.

[Pete Holmes]

And your brain is built to shovel Snow.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, I 100. You know, the. That's not mine. Ram Dass was talking about this thing where if you were to walk through the world and experience everybody's trauma, everybody's pain and misery and confusion of every individual. You're my friend, Pete, so I know some of your pain and you know a little bit of mine. If you were to walk around experiencing everybody's trauma and the way that you experience that with your inner circle, it would break you. It would overwhelm and destroy you. And so people's response is to shut off to everybody. But the people in their small circle, their friends, their family, the people that are surrounding them, those are the people we can have an open heart to and everybody around us. But almost by nature of the terror that we experience, of what it would be like to engage with those people, we shut them out. They become Less than human.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

And the Buddha. I'm not a Buddhist, but this is. Ram Dass is the Buddha. The Buddha, who also was a huge pervert. We'll be right back on Go and Go and Gandhi. No, but the Buddha, you know, he's got that smile on his face, that Asian Buddha. The fat one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I love the fat Buddha.

[Moshe Kasher]

So that smile, they call it the smile of infinite compassion. So it's a smile that. Because the Buddha, you know, the paradigmatic uber man, Ubermensch to, you know, he'll.

[Pete Holmes]

Give you a ride anywhere.

[Moshe Kasher]

He will open his heart to your pain.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

He will walk through the world with a. With a conscious decision to open himself to your pain, to everybody's pain.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I give you something? Give it two things. I'm gonna actually write it down because I've been kind of spacey lately. I love what you just said. It's fantastic. And it's something that I think about a lot. One is that the human condition, the mammal in all of us that wants what's best for us now and what's good for our clan and our. And to be inward and to understand that reason, like, we got to put us first. We got to put us first. That's like in our. That's in our DNA, basically. That's like how we've survived all this time. When you get people like the Buddha and people like Christ. Jesus Christ.

[Moshe Kasher]

Jesus. You walk through this world with the Christ Jesus on your mind. With the smile of infinite compassion upon your face. You can empty your own vessel and intake other people's pain. And it will be transmogrified into the blood of Christ in that healing water.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, we'll. When we take in the pain of our neighbor.

[Moshe Kasher]

I don't know what I just said.

[Pete Holmes]

It'll turn into the blood of Christ.

[Moshe Kasher]

While I was doing it, I was freaking out that I was going to drop the ball in the middle of the pit. And then I was getting impressed that I wasn't dropping it. But then that would distract me, which is very Buddhist, because when you're meditating and you get distracted by the things that your impressive. Anyway, I dropped it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I loved it. Welcome back.

[Moshe Kasher]

Back. We're bank on Go and Go and.

[Pete Holmes]

Gandhi to Sidharta and Nancy.

[Moshe Kasher]

So Christ, you were saying Christ was.

[Pete Holmes]

The guy that came and said, like, let's look at the big picture. Let's look. Love your neighbor, love your enemy. All that sort of stuff.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Was outward. It doesn't really make sense. It doesn't have a good Instant return that protects us and clothes us and sheltered us to love your neighbor. When. When the Romans are like. When there's a. There's a verse, a parable Christ tells where he's like, if a Roman comes up to you and wants your walking stick, give him your cloak as well. And these were Romans that were just like, fucking murdering these people, like, straight up. So it's like completely against our programming. Denial. Programming. True Detective. Yeah, the other one talking about seeing transgressions and Buddha seeing people and seeing their pain and letting in their pain. Here's. I don't think you thought I was gonna go here. I think Sherlock is the BBC Sherlock.

[Moshe Kasher]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Benny Cumberbatch is a Christ figure. I think it's pretty obvious in the way that he, you know, dies and, you know, there's another season after that. I'm not spoiling anything. So obviously he comes back, but beyond that, he sees your transgressions. When I look at you and I go, well, obviously, by the way, that you scratch your nose, right? Then you're obviously a compulsive masturbator. But he's a sociopath, so he doesn't judge them. So that's like a type of grace. I see your pain. I see. And then there's the law. And this is something Rob Bell said. We were talking about this. The law. The. The Scotland Yard are trying to catch the criminal.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's a Sanhedrin.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's Jesus. And he's like, ugh. He's working with them, but he's so ahead of them.

[Moshe Kasher]

Well, okay, I have a couple of things to say.

[Pete Holmes]

But he lets in humanity, right? That's what no one does.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, no, I mean, that's really interesting. My brother right now, the rabbi, is also a PhD student at UC Berkeley Law, so he's getting a doctorate in law. And his basic research, what he's writing his thesis on, is the difference between religion and secular law. Now, say what you will about the failings and trappings of religion, what religious law is obsessed with is justice. It's obsessed with being right. Righteousness, even when that righteousness is off kilter, you know, abortion, homosexuality, it's still. They're obsessed with what's the right thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's going for something good.

[Moshe Kasher]

The Western, Western law is obsessed. Its main obsession is with victory. It's not justice. We're not really after search for the truth, but in fact, after search for.

[Pete Holmes]

Winning, the know who benefits? Who gives a shit?

[Moshe Kasher]

But you know that. You know that it's True. You know, like the law doesn't work. Trying in an obsessive quest for justice and righteousness. The law works because we all know there are laws that don't have anything to do with righteousness. You know what I mean? They just have to do with victory.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

The other thing I was going to say is there's this very chilling passage from Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, which is part. It's a book. Do you know that book?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh Man's Search for Meaning. The Holocaust Survive.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's a holocaust. But half of it is a Holocaust memoir. Half of it is a psychological textbook or whatever. And in. In what were you were just talking about that Christ. Like, kind of like open yourself to everybody's pain.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

Accept people for what they are. Love people and thrive in that way. Which is also a very AA kind of, you know, mentality. Yeah. Structure or whatever. It's like, help yourself through helping others. Frankl in that book, says, the scary thing that all of us who made it through the camps know is that the best of us perished in the camps. The best people that entered, the compassionate, loving people that entered, that tried to help people, they were all killed because they tried to help people. It was the selfish, greedy people that were willing to kick their comrades into the. Into the dirt to get that next heel of bread were the ones that were able to survive an environment like the camp.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know what's funny is that just seems like an analogy for all of us. You know what I mean? I don't think I'm really being that breakthrough in saying that. It's like that's who's thriving a lot of the time. But also there are. There is compassion as well. That, that is a terrifying.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's. It's terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

Thought the best of us died in the campus.

[Moshe Kasher]

Terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

Sad.

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, it's a terrible passage.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

But anyway, my dad.

[Pete Holmes]

Really interesting though. I was gonna say that, like, romantic love is often the only way that we have. That's our great experiment in being like, I'm going to let you in. And that's why it hurts us so badly when it doesn't work and when we let people in and all that sort of stuff. But like, that is, you know, like, this is gonna sound kind of sappy, but like, sometimes when I'm kissing somebody, this is so fucking weird. But who cares? What I'll think is not like, ooh, tits and vagina. That doesn't turn me on as much.

[Moshe Kasher]

As, ooh, pecs and dicks is.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, I'm opening up. That was so good.

[Moshe Kasher]

I had to.

[Pete Holmes]

But I mean, it's not actually gender specific. It's just that, like, this person is here and they're alive at the same time. And then like, you actually, it's. It can be meditative. And this isn't always. I've kissed somebody and just been like, oh, yeah, this is how we do it. You know, just think everybody coming or just trying to, like, have some sex or whatever.

[Moshe Kasher]

Have you ever had that kiss? This is a bad. There's a. There's a worse kiss than the one you're describing. Way worse.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Moshe Kasher]

It's the flail my tongue around until we can start having sex.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Time waster kiss. It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a non kiss.

[Moshe Kasher]

How long do I have to do this? Until the weekend. I mean, that's a bad feeling.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Moshe Kasher]

So transaction. You're just like, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we getting this over with?

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, it's. But there's something together.

[Pete Holmes]

Something I've noticed. I've been talking with my friend David about this, which is like when he. He does free diving, right? Where he realizes that when you're going down, and that's just. With a snorkel, that's as opposed to scuba diving, you just go down and you start to panic. You think you're out of water. And he realized that if you just calm down and deny your instinct to go back up, you'll realize you have like another lung. Is basically what he called it. He's like, you have another lung. So there's this deliberate sort of of quieting in that moment. And I've been noticing that with energy. Like, I go out to meals and I'm so tired and I'm so like, distracted and stuff. And then you can go like, I think I'm just tired and distracted because I'm not calming myself down a little bit. Like, calm down. It's in you. You have another lung. Relax. Sometimes you're tired. But I mean, like, a lot of the times I'm tired because I'm like, I have radio in the morning. So, like, I'll start panicking and then you lose that extra lung of air. Going back to the kissing thing is you kiss and you go like, this is a thing. Like, I'm not. People who listen to the show know. I am no expert. And it's okay. You can vapor smoke into the mic.

[Moshe Kasher]

Don't ruin the illusion.

[Pete Holmes]

You can smoke that hookah with the caterpillar into the mic. But. Oh, fuck, what was I saying?

[Moshe Kasher]

When you're kissing someone and you have that other lung.

[Pete Holmes]

But yeah, but it was something else. Dick on a bread. You know, just dick on bread. You know what I mean? Just dick on bread.

[Moshe Kasher]

I don't know what you mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Just like a bear's dick.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, on bread. I think we were talking about connection. Yeah. Going.

[Pete Holmes]

There can be a moment where you go, oh, quantum physics. That's what I was saying was like. When Stephen Hawking actually goes back to him, this is going to be bullshit and butchered and terrible.

[Moshe Kasher]

Come on, bring it.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's saying, when we're not in a room, when we're in a room that's not being observed, every possible reality is happen in that room because it's not being observed. And then as soon as you're, like, looking at it again, it resumes, like, its natural order and whatnot. And then, like, again, butchered. But, like, every time a decision is made, there's all these parallel universes. The multiverse theory, right. So there's a universe, I went surfing today where I was eaten by a shark. But there's also a universe where an eagle, when we were walking out from the parking lot, flew down and took out both of my eyeballs. Like, absurd things also could happen in these multiverses. But then just to make it a little bit more normal, that means there's a multiverse where, like, I died. Or there's a multiverse where the person I'm kissing didn't live. We are here together in this multiverse. If this is true, what a unique, unbelievable matching of patterns and circumstances that we've skied down a mountain and we're here together.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. There's a multiverse where you just didn't meet that night.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying.

[Moshe Kasher]

Something so just a hair off. And I didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

But we're in this one, right? What the fuck? That's what, you know, Dick's pecs. And that gets me really going.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's a powerful idea because. And this, I think, can lead us back to love.

[Pete Holmes]

Dicks and dicks.

[Moshe Kasher]

And this can lead us back to our original episode, which is. Since our episode, I've been in a relationship now. A monogamous relationship.

[Pete Holmes]

Monog. First time in your life?

[Moshe Kasher]

First time in my life.

[Pete Holmes]

In your life?

[Moshe Kasher]

In my life for a year and a half. More than a year and a half.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Do you say who it's with?

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. Natasha Leggero.

[Pete Holmes]

You do it.

[Moshe Kasher]

But it's like, I Have these experiences where there were. There were sensations that I knew intellectually were involved in an intimacy. Like, if you had told me, oh, well, intimacy is about, like, partnership or. But they never could sink from my brain into my heart. You know, there's a saying, like, the furthest distance in the Universe is the 12 inches from your brain to your heart. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

I've never heard that. But that's great. That's great.

[Moshe Kasher]

And it's like, I would go like, oh, this is one of those things, you know, I'm connecting to the person that I am engaged in sex, love with, you know, as opposed to the mashing tongues together. Transactional.

[Pete Holmes]

Just.

[Moshe Kasher]

Or even I find you pleasant. But, you know, most of the time it was that. It wasn't always just like, horrible, you know, meaningless connections.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, sure.

[Moshe Kasher]

But sometimes it was just like, this is a cool person who I fuck.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Moshe Kasher]

And then it becomes this other thing. This, like, okay, this is what they meant. Oh, okay. I had a bad day. And I can say I had a bad day, right? I'm not a big. Even to this day. And I don't think Natasha would be too. Too forlorn to hear this. I'm not a romantic, and I'm not. I don't really see in the cards for me to be like, a romantic. Like, I don't think, like, you know, there's magic to love other than the magic you're talking about, which is like, that you happen to find this. This person who you can be around, you know, but to experience those things is like a. It's not that it feels, like, magical and mystical. It's that it feels like. Like different. Like, I. Like, I. It was not promised to me. And that's really what I started to feel like at the end of our. At the end of my life. An end. But at the end of that cycle of my life as a chronically single person, fuck guy was like, if I don't find a way to get off of this cycle, I won't ever experience the other thing. Because, yeah, it's becoming so ingrained and habitual behaviorally. If I don't find it, it's not gonna happen.

[Pete Holmes]

That's interesting. That's a real risk that we run in all sorts of different ways, not just sexually, because I notice that, you know, I'll be hanging out with a girl that I see, and if I have been too autonomous, just like, no, I go home, like, here's the thing. So I see a girl long distance. So that's what's happening? I don't know how to classify this. That. Yeah, that's how you classify it. It's a long distance thing. But she. She was just visiting, and then, like, she came to a taping. And then when I'm leaving, I normally listen to the national. I just love the national. It's very chill, and it's a good thing to listen to. And she wanted to listen to this other thing. Some of her friends were there, too. Completely reasonable that you don't want to listen to the national with your other two girlfriends.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like. And it didn't bother me, but it's this weird moment where you're like, right. Hey, wait. Hey, wait. I had.

[Moshe Kasher]

I listen to the national. That's what I do. Beyond that, Pete, when you had told me, if you had told me, if I had described that sensation to you before, I was in a relationship.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's not just that. I would have gone, like, I don't want to be a guy that has to, like, ask permission to listen to the National. I would be physically. I would get the physical chills thinking about the idea of, like, calling my girl a world where I call my girlfriend and say, hey, me and Pete are gonna go get dinner tonight. Okay. It's just like, ugh, pathetic, disgusting. It would, like, literally send chills down my spine. And a lot of it is because my mother. My mom was this person that I describe in the book as she lived on top of my chest my entire childhood. She literally was like, if she could have been inside of my body, like, manipulating it for me, she would have. That's how smothering she was. So the idea of having another one.

[Pete Holmes]

Another one. And electing. You inherited that first one.

[Moshe Kasher]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And then electing to build another prison.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right. Not only did I inherit her, I also got rid of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

You know, you broke out. I was also able to escape from the prison.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you go into another prison. Not all relationships are prison, you know, I understand. But, like, you're. You were afraid of checking in and being like, hello. You have three square meals a day in a warm bed. Like, that's good enough for me.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, absolutely. It's like you jump over the citadel, the wall, the truncheon wall of the prison that you were born into, and you run. Run across the field, stop, catch your breath, dig into the river, make a clay brick, and start laying them down for the truncheon walls to the one that you're building for yourself. I mean, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

But that is. That is A hundred percent.

[Moshe Kasher]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

I want to be talking about this show every day. I think about that all the time.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I look, you know, to be honest, like, I. In the freedom of being single, you get to look around a lot and go, like, what is happening? You know, I say it sometimes is the in flight menu. What are the things that are just kind of expected of you? But then if you can go into something loving because with your eyes open, as opposed to making that brick out of fear or familiarity or some sort of Stockholm syndrome where you're like, I. I like it better on the inside. Deal with it on the outside a little bit, get your ass kicked a little bit, and then. And then choose to go in. And when I say with your eyes open, open. I really believe in complete and open honesty with people, as I know that if you're gonna date, and this is a new thing for me, but, like, here's everything. I'm not gonna.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's one is I'm not gonna pretend that I'm not attracted to that beautiful woman or something. It doesn't mean I'm gonna have sex with her or anything, but I really value that in a relationship where you can just be like, that's obviously an attractive person. That's what I think. I mentioned this a lot, but those vacation movies where Chevy Chase is always like. Like, I'm gonna go for a swim, and there's, like, a hot bikini person and he's like, why? Why is that one of the prison rules? I'm not saying you fuck them. I know I do that a lot where. I know.

[Moshe Kasher]

And that's really the question, right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, well, then now we're getting into the 60s hippie, and we're gonna be asked to apprentice with your dad. But I'm with you.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm just saying, like, if it's true. And look, your tongue is falling out of, like, the wolf's mouth.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in a pretend thing. Thing.

[Moshe Kasher]

What's that? Chevy.

[Pete Holmes]

Chevy. In that situation is in a pretend thing.

[Moshe Kasher]

He's not. Are you mean. He's just thinking about her, but we made up.

[Pete Holmes]

And that I would wager, is almost worse to have him just kind of being like, not worse, but you know what I mean? A similar type of gross. Bad for him to be like. And then, like, in bed with his wife later just like, oh, man. I'm not saying you should fuck that person, but I am saying it's interesting that we make this. Make these rules and then kill ourselves over them.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, it Is. And it's also. It's also like. I mean, I guess the idea is not to build the brick at all, to say that there's freedom in my connection with this human being. I found freedom, I found partnership, I found intimacy. Of all that stuff. That's actually freedom. And as opposed to thinking of love as taking on a series of, you know, a yoke of strictures.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's more like taking on a partner to walk with.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a partner to walk with. As opposed to, remember, motion, no hoagies.

[Moshe Kasher]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? That said, which I'm not saying that's all women. I'm saying some men make a woman be that way to them and some men.

[Moshe Kasher]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

Some women make a man be that way to them.

[Moshe Kasher]

And every person either feels that way on some level about love. It's like, oh God, they own a part of my. That's what I was terrified of is that another person would own a part of me, that I would owe them a part of my energetic self.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

And my mother owned all of that when I was growing up. So if another person owns that for me, I owe them something.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a co signer.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. Yeah. I. That just fucking terrified me.

[Pete Holmes]

It still makes me. I completely relate. I. It makes me nauseous. And I think it might be because of my relationship with my mother as well. Whereas I, I was like, why would I. I fantasize about that whole thing. It's like, can't. Like the idea is like, let's be committed. Let's just be committed to each other. I like all that sort of extra stuff on the other side of it just seems.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. And that said, there's not a day that goes by that I don't say to myself, I don't know if I'm. I don't know if this is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

You know, the world that. I mean, you know, maybe I was meant to be single. Yeah. And I love being in this relationship, but it's also like, it's a whole other thing. And I don't, I don't have a Pollyanna view on love at all. I don't feel like love has fulfilled me or has fundamentally made me a different person. I think maybe I've had a fuller experience, but as a. Of myself as a person. But that's mainly because my experience on the other side was so one sided. I was such a single guy. I was not just at the very end. Sex was almost, a lot of the time became almost transactional. You know what I mean? Like, it would be. It would be like I would go out, go to a show, and at the end of the night, like, hook up with someone. I mean, it was. It just felt very non connective. So obviously, being in a loving situation is much more connected.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's also great that you can be in that loving situation and say without any sort of concern or fear. It'd be like. And every day. And I know that you communicate about that because you are the guy. You know what I mean? You're the domesticated wolf. But it's very nice. Not wolf. You know what I mean? But it's nice.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's nice for the wolf occasionally to be like, you know, I used to.

[Moshe Kasher]

Be a wolf, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Back before I was a dachshund.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I really. Every once in a while, you know, I love it here. But I do. I do. I. I do miss yelling at the moon.

[Moshe Kasher]

The wolf looks up. Lassie, just. Can I. Have I ever told you about my life as a wolf? Every fucking day, wolfie. Well, just. If I could, I would pray. You know what prey is.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, man. There was some good prey that night.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, my Mama mia. I used to eviscerate the rabbits, if you know what I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

There was a great New Yorker cartoon by Bruce Eric where there's a lion and a woman. I used to rip his style off a lot. Like, I just thought it was so funny. And I love arguments between two things. Like, I drew one where it was a woman and a pirate, and he has a treasure map, and she's pointing to her heart and she's saying, I'm more interested in what's buried in here. Like, I like that sort of stuff. Like, why is she with a pirate? All that sort of stuff. So he had one where he was. It's a woman with a lion. And it's like a real big lion. It's lying on the floor. It's not like in a suit. Suit. It's a lion. And she's saying, like, something to the effect of like. Do you know how that makes me feel when you say your years in the jungle were the best of your life?

[Moshe Kasher]

That's. That's literally what we're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna get that cartoon for you. But what are you gonna do?

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm gonna order a medium soup.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, God. You don't know. I love the bed. I love the bed.

[Moshe Kasher]

The bread's good. Olives in it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got the olives in there. And. And then we cuddle and there's the fire. But, oh, God, I look at that gazelle. They'd look at you, but they wouldn't really be looking at you. You know what I mean? They heard a snap. Cause I'd always.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, the way the neck. I still can remember the way the fold in the neck as they would turn the neck suddenly, as if. As if to say, you want a bite of this?

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes I'd snap a twig just. Just to get the turn.

[Moshe Kasher]

Just to see that neck turn.

[Pete Holmes]

I could have done it without the turn, but I like the game.

[Moshe Kasher]

But. But, honey, I love you. I love the way you turn, but I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

I love the way you. This is better, you know? And you know what I think what we're saying is there are things that are better, but it's also okay to be like.

[Moshe Kasher]

Like, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that moon.

[Moshe Kasher]

I love that moon. But I don't go to the moon anymore. Well, stay on Earth.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, since we've had our talk, I had my. My time, you know, whoring it up.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's almost like I gave that to you. You did give it to me. I feel like on some psychic level, I gave it.

[Pete Holmes]

We had a weird thing where we go to meals now, and this was a while ago, but we would go to meals and I would tell you like. Like a sex story, and then you would tell me a story about some sort of casserole.

[Moshe Kasher]

About some sort of what?

[Pete Holmes]

Casserole. I was joking.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, Natasha makes the best tuna casserole. That's a wonderful group sex story, Pete, but with a little bit of cream of mushroom soup and the. Ooh, it's the French onions that tie the whole thing together. I miss that moon, Pete. I miss the moon, Pete.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was a roll. It was a weird roll. Ver. Now, I never went really hard at it, but I was pretty proud to, like, kind of try and, you know, do that a little bit more, have sex with people that I wasn't in a relationship with. That was a really big deal for me. But then, you know, I've also come around. Like, I think that's what people do in the sense that you start to realize that, like, there is a reason why people get married five times. You know what I mean?

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's also a reason why people get divorced, you know what I mean? And they. Or break up with people. But there's also a reason we're drawn to it for one reason or another. It's like one of our favorite things to do.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. As a group is to, to connect.

[Pete Holmes]

Connect to one person. And that goes back to Buddha smile. It's like, tell me all your. I'll tell you all my. And you will see it and love me and I'll see yours and you'll love me. And then the tuna casserole.

[Moshe Kasher]

And then we'll have casserole forever. And you know what we'll do? We'll take out that casserole once a month, we'll form it into a little circle, we'll put it on the wall, and it'll be our moon. Oh, my God, it'll be our moon. This is NPR's going, going Gandhi.

[Pete Holmes]

Really good, really special. Here's a couple things that. Well, let's finish the dad story.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, I, I don't quite know what I was. I knew, oh, Jewish bar mitzvah.

[Pete Holmes]

Dad six years old.

[Moshe Kasher]

So he became religious. So when my mom left, left, he put away his paints.

[Pete Holmes]

Has anyone ever taken the, the black magazine, Jet magazine and made Jew?

[Moshe Kasher]

I don't think so. But Jews, since we run the media, probably could say that. I used to say that in black clubs. I used to say, of course Jews, you know, run the media. My first two magazines were Jet and Ebony.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's great. So you visit your dad, you're six years old.

[Moshe Kasher]

And I would go back home and I found that my dad in my absence, had joined up, up with a group of Hasidic Jews.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Moshe Kasher]

Known as the Satmar Hasidim. Who are the Modest Yahoos? No, they're like, they make modest Yahoo look like, like, like Trotsky. What I'm saying is compared to, they're into it. They're way into.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't take, they don't take freestyle breaks.

[Moshe Kasher]

They're the most extreme group of Hasidic Jews. Now, my dad wasn't really. Actually, he was. This is a very interesting story. It's not my story. It's my brother's. So we were raised in this Hasidic world six weeks a year. So most of the year would be secular kids in California and summer vacation. We would fly back home and become Hasidic Jews for six weeks a year. And it was like, terrible. And the kids in my neighborhood spoke Yiddish as a first language. Yiddish. I have family that is third generation American who speak with Eastern European accent when they speak English. I swear to God.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Moshe Kasher]

My cousin Liebish, Libish, Liebish and Shmieloo Shmiel. These are my cousins.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he a little guy? Is that a nickname?

[Moshe Kasher]

No, just a Shmiel. Just a small little shmieloo. Actually, this is. I want to tell you a few things about this shmiel. One time when my father was dying, we were in the hospital room together and we were talking. We never really talked as adults. Adults. And it was just me and shmieloo, me and Shmieloo. Thursdays with Maury or whatever, and then Wednesdays with Shmeeloo. And he turned to me and he goes. He goes, you're so lucky. I'm like, why? He's like, you can do it whatever you want. I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, I always wanted to be a lawyer. I was like, be a lawyer. It's like, I could never be a lawyer. Lawyer. His. He was so religious that his family would have been ashamed of him and cut him off if he had become a lawyer.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Jews like being lawyers, and Jewish parents typically like it when their kids. This is how religious. This guy. There would never be a. You're in Harvard Law, I swear to God.

[Pete Holmes]

How dare you.

[Moshe Kasher]

You're gonna be some lawyer in the secular world? Some lawyer. There's only one thing in that level of Hasidic Judaism that has value, and that's the Torah. Nothing else has value. You work only as a means to make money to enable you to study the Torah more. The only reason.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Moshe Kasher]

So another.

[Pete Holmes]

When I was a kid, that's what I thought all religious people should be doing, by the way. I was like, if we believe this is true, why aren't we all just, like, trying to stay alive and read it?

[Moshe Kasher]

Well, Hasidic Jews have figured out a way to do that. And in fact, in Israel, it's. So it's state sponsored.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

All of the.

[Pete Holmes]

And you don't have to go to the military. Lot of resentment.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, yeah, they're all on welfare. They're literally all welfare cheats. They're just staying on welfare because in the. In the old days, we're getting off topic a little bit. But in the old days, they would identify the scholars in the neighborhood, take them, put them in a seminary and have them read the Torah all day. And the other people, the dumb people would. And the regular people would go get jobs to support this whole system. System. But now that they're state sponsored religious support, the Hasidic Jews are literally the Hasidic communities in Israel. Some of them, not all of them, are manipulating the system so that every single Hasidic person will stay in seminary their entire life. Just sucking on the teat of Israeli welfare. As the Secular people go to the military to fight for them, and they say, hey, if nobody was studying Torah, this country would be collapsed anyway. We're doing well. It's like, okay, good. Good magic. But anyway, so my brother also. He was in seminary himself at one point, and he was. I'll never forget this story. He was reading the Lord of the Rings, and this guy goes to him, what?

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't Shmiel a Jew?

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, definitely, my precious.

[Pete Holmes]

I was trying Smeagol.

[Moshe Kasher]

Smeagol. Smilo schmeagle.

[Pete Holmes]

I was trying to say that. And I said, schmegen. I was gonna say it wasn't Shmieloo. If he's not in it, he's one of the towns.

[Moshe Kasher]

So my brother's reading Lord of the Rings, and one of his compatriots comes up to him and goes, why are you reading this? And he's like, what? He's like, what do you read? What is this, fiction? He's like, yeah, I guess it's fun. It's just a book. He goes, never read fiction. Why would I want to read another man's lies? That's how useless everything is. Is if it's not the Torah. Yeah. It's not, like, a lovely work of art. It's another man's lies.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Moshe Kasher]

So my brother was. When he was. He was. Before he became religious himself. They went to Israel on this college tour. No, it was like a semester abroad. And they're having, like, a meeting with a Hasidic person. And the Hasidic person is sitting there, and he's going, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's sitting there.

[Moshe Kasher]

He's sitting there with his hat, and he's saying, oh, you know, Hasidic Jews, we celebrate life, and we love religion and we love God, and it's lovely and wonderful. We dance. And my brother's sitting there, and he's getting more and more angry. Tell me the story. Getting more and more angry. And he finally. He just goes. He just goes. This is. I don't know what he said, but something to the effect of inappropriately made everyone uncomfortable. He's like, this is complete bullshit. This isn't a bunch of dancing and happiness and wonder. It's judgmental. It's fucking stark. It's. It's. It's angry. It's terrible. And the Hasidic guy, to his credit, very calmly, was like. He goes, I grew up like this, you know? I know you're just filling this. This room with bullshit. And the guy goes, let me. Let me ask you a question. What. What Sect of Judaism. Of Hasidic Judaism. Was your family from my brother's, like, Satmar and New Square? Why? And he goes, I hate to tell you this, but you just got really, really unlucky with the two groups that your father was affiliated with. Like every. Those are the two most intense, the most stark, the most like. He said that this Hasidic Jew basically, was like, if you had grown up in a different sect of Hasidic Judaism, you would have a different. You would have had a different experience. These are the two worst that you could have selected.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Moshe Kasher]

I don't know about worse. I don't want to say worse, but the least fun for a person.

[Pete Holmes]

The most stark.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. So that's the world that my. That I was dropped into six weeks a year.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Moshe Kasher]

So my bar mitzvah was. It was. This is. How old were you? How far into this are we? Because I have a ending to go. No, not at all. But I have an end to this story that I think I'll end this episode well.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Moshe Kasher]

So it's my bar mitzvah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, do it to it.

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, whatever. We. It doesn't. Whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell the story.

[Moshe Kasher]

My bar mitzvah. My brother's bar mitzvah was even worse than mine.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I get a laugh for. How old were you?

[Moshe Kasher]

I didn't even hear it.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's really good. Yeah, I was 40. No, my. It's my bar mitzvah and it's Hasidic. It's the world that my dad lives in now. So what happened was my dad, you know, he got divorced and he was this painter. He put his paints away. Put his paints away forever.

[Pete Holmes]

No more painting.

[Moshe Kasher]

No more painting. He joined. He got a job at the post office.

[Pete Holmes]

Doesn't someone have to, like, paint the maps in the back of the Bible and stuff?

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, absolutely. He could have painted. But why would I want to paint another man's lies?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, his own lies.

[Moshe Kasher]

His own lies.

[Pete Holmes]

How do they reconcile the fact that this is a big question, but that, like, men, like human man, wrote these words.

[Moshe Kasher]

They don't believe that.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't believe that the Bible. That the Torah fell from the sky on a parachute.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, they do.

[Pete Holmes]

They do.

[Moshe Kasher]

I mean, what do you mean by that? I mean, what's your question mean?

[Pete Holmes]

People, you know, it's rumored that Moses wrote Genesis, for example.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Moses, God perspective. Oh, that God character. You know what I mean? God changing his mind. It's all throughout the Old Testament.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right. I mean, I understand the question. That you're asking like people, religious people.

[Pete Holmes]

Like me love being like. Well, that was added by a scholar later. That's not as historically accurate as this. And you know, people like me who still consider myself spiritual can be like, or this is perhaps just a huge myth. Where do they get the footing to be like, this is, is Joseph's style. This is carved in gold.

[Moshe Kasher]

Well, what's really interesting actually is Christianity is even more interesting. That cognitive dissonance that you're talking about is even more pronounced in Christianity because there's literally no way that it was written by God. I mean it's not possible. Even according to its own mythology, it's not true. The Gospel of Luke, the Gospel of Mark, these are written by Luke and Mark.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Moshe Kasher]

And not only that, everybody knows historically there was many more gospels and then they had a. This blew my mind. This blew my mind when I heard about the Council of Nicaea. Like when I heard about the.

[Pete Holmes]

But that happened with the Torah as well. For sure. There were other writings.

[Moshe Kasher]

There are, there's no, I don't doubt that. But what I'm saying is it's historically inarguable to say it happened, that happened.

[Pete Holmes]

It did happen, happen.

[Moshe Kasher]

Everybody accepts that it happened, that they had a meeting where they went, this, this, this book, this represents the divine. It's a crazy cognitive dissonance we're looking at.

[Pete Holmes]

And here's the great thing. I'm just agreeing with you as we're saying that was a type of divine inspiration that occurred then and then stopped occurring.

[Moshe Kasher]

The ability to select which things were divine.

[Pete Holmes]

And then people that. That's what I meant. Yes. And also the people that wrote those things were having divine inspiration when Paul wrote, you know, allegedly, I think it was Paul wrote revelation from prison. Right. I think that's Paul. It doesn't matter. You don't have to Google that one comment. It was, you know, I'm just saying, you know, what's, what's really divine inspiration that we, the Mormon, the Mormon Church says that still occurs. There are active prophets writing now writing things that's.

[Moshe Kasher]

But there's a difference between prophecy and canonized Torah, the Bible gospel.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

So even, even Paul's letters are different than the gospel, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Paul's letters are critiques on.

[Moshe Kasher]

Even though they are accepted canonically, they're not the same level of divinity as the Gospel.

[Pete Holmes]

Not, no, not to a Bible believing Christian. But like, in fact, most of, most of what you would recognize as Christianity is coming from Paul.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, I'm familiar with that. But like, in Judaism, there's this thing called them midrash, which are oral. The Oral Torah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Moshe Kasher]

So these are commentary on the text.

[Pete Holmes]

Oral Torah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oral Torah, yeah. Where you, you know, you just. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I wasn't making that joke.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, I thought you were.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. Those words sound the same. Oral Torah. It's like Rur Jeral juror.

[Moshe Kasher]

So there's this saying in. About the midrash, because the midrash are these commentaries and stories about the stories that were written down.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Moshe Kasher]

There's a story on the midrash that says only a fool would believe that all of the midrash are true and only a fool would believe that none of them are. So that's weird.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's right in there.

[Moshe Kasher]

Well, that's a saying about it. But it's like, that's weird. Well, what am I supposed to believe? And they would say something like, believe them all, but, you know, but only a fool. It's like, it's very Jewish. You know what I mean? What I enjoy about Believe Them all, but, you know, they're not all true.

[Pete Holmes]

Judaism being like, let's look at the. This scripture in every possible way. You know what I mean? Having a little bit of a relationship with it. Anyway, you go to your story. I feel like I've derailed that.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, no, I think this is also interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Okay, good. I'm. I'm also interested.

[Moshe Kasher]

So how do. How do Jews.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Where do they. I'm basically. Where do they get off?

[Moshe Kasher]

Where do they get off believing this crap?

[Pete Holmes]

But it's just interesting to me. You're saying, at least in your experience, it was treated obviously like, no, this is true, and everything else is a lie someone made up.

[Moshe Kasher]

Well, there's actually a really beautiful story about the authorship of the. Of the Bible. So the b. The tablets were given by God.

[Pete Holmes]

Those are the commandments.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, the tablets. The Ten Commandments.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

So this is a very strange story. My brother was just talking about this in the Bible. It's a very weird story, the Ten Commandments. Moses goes up, God gives him two tablets. God says, I made these. Check them out. Here you go.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Moses takes the tablets that God gave him, walks back down the mountain. The people are worshiping the golden calf because they got afraid because he was gone for so long. He throws the tablets at the golden calf calf, Ba boom. And then goes back up the mountain, and God forgives him and says, now you build the tablets. It's like, very strange, right?

[Pete Holmes]

That is.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, that's it's like a very weird narrative. But anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why the tablets weren't in God's handwriting. Honestly, that's kind of what I feel like we're covering up.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right? Covering. Yeah, it's not a great cover story. But back then, why didn't Moses just walk down and say God made these?

[Pete Holmes]

If you heard an Ammonite Shyamalan twist back in the Bible days, your dick would have exploded. That was considered a huge twist. That would be in God's hand ring. But he threw them.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, you're saying there was a lady in the water.

[Pete Holmes]

From half court. Moshe catcher.

[Moshe Kasher]

Okay, so then somebody wrote the Bible. You're right. Correct. Moses was inspired to write the Bible. He had connection with God. I don't think that's really. I don't think that's up for debate. I mean, it's up for debate whether he was inspired by God. But I think that that's implicit in the belief system is that Moses was getting revelations from God, writing them down. The really interesting. This is a pretty profound story. There's a passage at the end of the Torah at the end of Exodus, because Moses never made it to Israel. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Not let in.

[Moshe Kasher]

So who wrote the part where they walked across into Israel? If Moses wrote the Bible and Moses died before they got to Israel, who was the one that wrote the. The whole part at the end?

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

And so some people. The less romantic version is that Aaron, his brother who carried on the torch or whatever wrote, wrote that Aaron the stutterer. No, no, no. Moses was a stutterer.

[Pete Holmes]

No, Moses spoke for Aaron.

[Moshe Kasher]

No other way around.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Moshe Kasher]

That's actually what's so interesting about Moses as a figure. I'm reading this book right now called History of the Jews by Paul Johnson and it's basically saying that Moses couldn't have been a made up figure because who would create a character that flawed? He can't speak. He's a coward, he's stern. People don't like him. He murdered a dude. People don't even like him. The people don't even like him. They like Aaron. Aaron's the guy they like. He's handsome, he can speak well.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're right. I did mix it up.

[Moshe Kasher]

So they say. So the less romantic version is that Aaron wrote the passages, they crossed over into Israel and Moses stayed on the other side and died. Yeah, but the more romantic one is that Moses wrote it with tears falling onto the page. He wrote as he watched this people walk away. But then I guess where did the book if he wrote it, where'd they get the passage from? If they came back? They doubled back a while ago. Yeah. Can I get the medium soup?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's, you know, it's kind of like when I watch a reality show now, and I'm following you mo sh. In the car.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're like, I'm gonna go meet Julie for the first time. I'm nervous, but, you know, it's been a while since I howled at the moon. You pull up, and then if you watch the reality show, there's one camera following you up to Julie's house, and then the shot that they get is from inside Julie's house opening the door.

[Moshe Kasher]

Reality.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? So it's like. That's the Bible version.

[Moshe Kasher]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

But who wrote. How did they get the camera crew in Julie's house?

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And why was Julie miked?

[Moshe Kasher]

Just in case. So. So that's. So it's my bar mitzvah. That's the world that I'm living in. This world.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a wild world.

[Moshe Kasher]

A very strange. I couldn't give over to you how strange it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

I couldn't possibly. I mean, it's so fucking weird that it's a part of my. If you look at.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you trying to, like. Bang.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, I was terrified. I was. I was terrified, really. I grew up in this world, I mean, filled with dread and shame that at any moment the covers would be pulled on me and it would be revealed that I was a. I was a sham, that I wasn't religious. I didn't know what I was doing. I used to walk into temple with an English prayer book. A prayer book that had both English and Hebrew. And people would stare at it like I had brought a fucking. Like, you know, pentouts for them. I mean, straight. They'd be like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, English. Yeah, that's how. And I was just terrified. In fact, there's a story in the book. This is a very funny story. My. My father would coach us.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this the story you wanted to tell?

[Moshe Kasher]

No. No. Are we done? Were we out of time?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Moshe Kasher]

My father would coach us. He would say. He would give us lies to tell because he was involved in this shame game, too. And I think he must have been ashamed of his own past as a secular person. And he just wanted people to think of him as this, like, pat. This. You know, there's this thing in religious Judaism called ffb. From. From birth. From means religious. It's Yiddish for religious. From. From birth. So when you're making a match, you know. Oh, I got this guy, Pete Holmes. He's great. Brilliant, good looking. Is he ffb? Well, he's not. Ah, it's not from for me. No. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

He's not FFB.

[Moshe Kasher]

He's not ffb. Oh, they want a from. From birth.

[Pete Holmes]

I won't FB anybody if they're not ffb.

[Moshe Kasher]

I hear you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how I am.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, hashtag ffb. From. From.

[Moshe Kasher]

From.

[Pete Holmes]

From.

[Moshe Kasher]

From.

[Pete Holmes]

From.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's an easy one to pronounce. From, From. So we're going to pizza. So my, my. My father pulls me aside one day and he says to my brother and I, he goes, okay, if anybody ever asks you what yeshiva you go to, what seminary, what religious school you go to, we don't go. We go to public school. Yeah, we're in public school in Oakland. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

We don't know anything about religious stuff really, except for how to pretend to look like we know what we're doing. What was your catchphrase? I'm a fucking expert.

[Pete Holmes]

Ah, the mysteries of G D. Whatever.

[Moshe Kasher]

People would ask or say, hey, what can I say? G D. Now.

[Pete Holmes]

You did have a phrase.

[Moshe Kasher]

I didn't have a phrase. I would, Yeah, I would have ways of talking and acting. And in temple especially, I would get up and I would shuckle in such a way that it looked very. I would look around and I became this kind of meaning, like feeling sway back and forth.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I've seen the shock.

[Moshe Kasher]

So you. I would look around, I would see the way people do it. Not too much. If you do it too much, it's obvious that you're a neophyte and being like, touched by the spirit. You don't want to look touched by the spirit. You want to look like you're wearing it like a loose garment. You know what I mean? You want to look like you've been doing this your whole life.

[Pete Holmes]

Not touched by the spirit, but having a meaningful phone call with the spirit.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, man, that looks bad. Yeah. No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

No meaningful phone call.

[Moshe Kasher]

No. This should just be like, I'm in. I'm in it. I do this. You couldn't possibly imagine how uninspired the prayer services are in a Satmar Hasidic temple in Sea Gate. You couldn't possibly.

[Pete Holmes]

They're not. Not rousing.

[Moshe Kasher]

They're so beyond not rousing. They're incomprehensible. It's literally just a group of men going, literally going like, mumbling in Hebrew, mumbling. So this is what I Mean, when we got. We stumbled into a bad sect, another kind of Hasidic Judaism, there'd be songs and dancing and. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what happened that your brother was mad about.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right. But we didn't know that there was a difference.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. So.

[Moshe Kasher]

My father says, if anybody asks you what yeshiva you go to, tell them. Okay? Tell them you go to Beth Jacob. Beth Jacob was the name of an Orthodox temple in Oakland that my father would go to and he would come visit us. Seemed like a plausible lie. My father, the religious Jew, love him, God rest his soul, is telling us a lie to tell people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Just so that people will not be nosy, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. My brother, it's one of the Big Ten, though.

[Moshe Kasher]

It is one of the Big Ten.

[Pete Holmes]

Exodus 20, bro.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right, right. But you know what else is true is it's also one of the big soft tan to figure out how religious and good people. Other people are. Oh, people are very into that. Oh, what yeshiva do you go to? Oh, you go to that yeshiva. Oh, you fff. Oh, you're not.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you claim ffb?

[Moshe Kasher]

No one would have ever said, are you from birth? They would say that behind your back.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, he's totally not ffb.

[Moshe Kasher]

So clearly I wasn't, by the way. Nobody was fooled.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Yeah. I love. In a world where we all joke that your name is Moshe and you're very, like, overt with your Judaism and your upbringing, you were in a community where people were like, that guy's not a Jew.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, they would scream goy at me.

[Pete Holmes]

They would.

[Moshe Kasher]

In the neighborhood, there would be be dodgeball games where it would be the. It would be the ultra Orthodox kids versus the act, the really religious kids. That's how intense it was.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Moshe Kasher]

Okay. They were. It was so intense. And I lived in this terror, this abject terror that I would get found out in that world when I was a kid, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

So you would say, you went to beth. That's a 90. You went to Beth.

[Moshe Kasher]

Beth Jacob.

[Pete Holmes]

Beth Jacob Jacob.

[Moshe Kasher]

But my brother goes, no, no, let's say. Let's say it in Yiddish to make it sound more authentic. Brother's like, you know, like I say in the book, like shucking and jiving, trying to bolster this illusion, you know? And you go, no, no, no, don't say Beth Jacob. Say base Yaakov. That's Yiddish. It'll sound better. Base Yaakov. Let's say we go to Base Yaakov. So we go to. We go to pizza one day, and sure enough, I don't like, this story.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like what's happening. Why would you tell me specifically what your brother said to say? And it's Yiddish.

[Moshe Kasher]

So, sure enough, we're at the pizza.

[Pete Holmes]

Doubling down.

[Moshe Kasher]

We're at the. We're at the pizza joint, and this fucking couple walks right up to us.

[Pete Holmes]

A fucking couple.

[Moshe Kasher]

A married couple. Oh, that.

[Pete Holmes]

You said cuppa, which.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a heavy Jew.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, no, cuppa. Cup of soup, medium. This old couple, this married couple walks up to us, starts small talk. Small talk. And then they turn to us and they're like, so, new to what yeshiva do you go? That's another weird thing about American Orthodox Jews. They have a strange vernacular. It's very true. To what yeshiva do you go? Who by? Who are you staying for? Shabbos.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, 100%.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Moshe Kasher]

100%. They have their own vernacular. Right. It's not a dialect because you would understand it, but it's a very.

[Pete Holmes]

See, that's interesting, because I was just reading about how, like, couples that have, like, a lot of language of their own.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Are, like, way more likely to stay together.

[Moshe Kasher]

Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's, like. It's. I'm not saying this is a cult necessarily. I'm just saying that's a cult thing, right? Like, different religions. Different. Certainly modern religions, too, will do that, where we're like. We don't call that this, and we don't talk that way, and we say this, you know, in Christianity. We had that too.

[Moshe Kasher]

Right. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I imagine some of it has to do with the fact that linguistically, the Hasidic community is mixed up. You know, they've been praying in a dead language. They speak in a dead. In a secondary dead language. And then they live in America, so they speak. Speak English. So it's all mixed up.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Moshe Kasher]

Say, like, by who? You staying by the Shabbos?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Staying by never. Whose house are you going to for Shabbos? Yeah, always. Who's staying by?

[Pete Holmes]

Who are you staying by?

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. Wow. And then new new is a big thing. New new means, like. So new new, like a new topic emerges.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no.

[Moshe Kasher]

And you. New New Pete, when are you gonna. New Pete, when are you gonna put out a new podcast?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, with Spanish?

[Moshe Kasher]

Este, maybe. So they come up to us. So they come up to us. They go, no. So to what yeshiva do you go? And I was just like, you know, just. And I'm like. I mean, I'm just terrified. You know, I can't speak. You know, I just thought that at some point I would just scream like, I love black people. I didn't know what to say because I'm a public school kid. My brother gallantly, like, steps in and goes to Basyakov. We go to Base Yaakov. And then the woman goes, Basyakov, the girls school. Apparently there was a famous girls yeshiva in Brooklyn called Base Yakov. We had not been briefed on this logistical possibility.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh no.

[Moshe Kasher]

And we looked to my father for.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he was there.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, he's there. What do we do? My dad is like, sort of like looking off into the dark.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, thank God I'm deaf.

[Moshe Kasher]

Exactly. So that was another day.

[Pete Holmes]

But in my reality, he heard it.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, totally, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

But then it was like, thank God people think I'm deaf.

[Moshe Kasher]

He's never been deaf. So, you know, that was the kind of world I lived in.

[Pete Holmes]

What did you say?

[Moshe Kasher]

I have no idea. I think I grabbed my forehead, pulled it out, popped a zipper handle out, zipped down my own skin, took off my skin and handed it to the lady, like, you'll be keeping that. And walked out into a world of lemon juice. But so you'll be keeping that. So that's the background. I mean, I wish I have so many stories I could tell you about.

[Pete Holmes]

This world, but I'll so many I want to hear. Well, what was the other one that you were like? And. Oh, so you got a lot of chums in the.

[Moshe Kasher]

Chums in the chayer.

[Pete Holmes]

When you do it, it's better. When I do it, it's like he's trying.

[Moshe Kasher]

So my bar mitzvah. So my brother's bar mitzvah is even worse than mine. My brother's bar mitzvah. It would just be like they would hire a hall, a weird catering hall, like, you know, the Armenian ones you see here in El.

[Pete Holmes]

Uh huh.

[Moshe Kasher]

It was like that, but for Hasidic people. Hira hall, you know, partition down the middle, men on one side, women on the other. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it.

[Moshe Kasher]

My brothers. The entertainment at my brother's bar mitzvah was literally a man, an old Hasidic man with a synthesizer. I swear, just a p. Just Heidel dull Die di die Medium soup Idle di dal die medium soup Swimming in the coins like Scooch mcduck soup. What do you have to say? Stephen Hawking. Mazel tov.

[Pete Holmes]

Do the song again just as you did it.

[Moshe Kasher]

Tidal didle die Medium soup oh Heidi diddle die Medium soup what did the Jews do? We survived the Holocaust so we could come and never talk to non Jews again. Idle deidle die Medium soup Hi, little die diddle die Medium zoom. New to what yeshiva did you go? The girl school. Shame on you. You're a public school guy.

[Pete Holmes]

It sounded Native American, which really.

[Moshe Kasher]

Cause that. Actually, when you started banging on the table, that was actually very legit.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Moshe Kasher]

That would be a very. That was what you would do. You would bang on the table and create a beat. So that was just one man.

[Pete Holmes]

Medium soup. So they make beverages small, medium large. Why does the soup.

[Moshe Kasher]

Why. I mean, so. So my brother had that entertainment, but my bar mitzvah came around. My dad convinced me not to invite my own mother. And look, it sounds like I'm resentful of my dad. I'm really not. I think everybody in my family was. My mom was a complete villain in the story, too. You know, she did terrible things, too. I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you said she lived in your bosom.

[Moshe Kasher]

And she told my. Me. My father loved my brother more than me. And she did terrible. Everybody did terrible. I did terrible things. I was violent back. The whole thing is a fucking mess. You know, we were. We were in a typically atypical dysfunctional family. So at my bar mitzvah, I don't know anyone at my own bar mitzvah. None of my friends. Not one of my friends. It was just, as I say in my act, there's just extras from the set of Fiddler on the Roof that had been hired to come play the part of my friends and family. No, that's Little Big Man, Different Jew, different movie. But for the entertainment. For the entertainment. My dad, he stepped his game up. Maybe, maybe. Maybe because he felt guilty about.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe Medium Soup wasn't available.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm booked. He got this guy, Mordechai Ben David, who is the biggest Hasidic Jewish pop star in. In the world, or was at that time. There might be people that have eclipsed him at this point, but he was like, he's a big star, and if you Google him. I've googled him and sins, his shit is pretty good. I mean, he's got a good. He's got a good voice. I mean, he's got something. And he lived in the neighborhood my dad lived in.

[Pete Holmes]

He's got that king gene or something, right?

[Moshe Kasher]

So he shows up to my bar mitzvah, and my dad goes, look, it's Mordechai Ben David. You know, he said he had to come play. He wanted to come play. And I. It took me 20 years to realize there's no fucking way Mordechai Ben David had to play.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

It'd be like if you walked in to some kind of kids, you know, bar mitzvah and they're like, that's comedian Pete Holmes. He said he had to perform here. He wanted to be at your bar mitzvah so bad. No, my dad begged him to come or paid him, and he came, and it was like a big deal. And, you know, unfortunately, I am available for bar mitzvah. Yeah. Right. So Drake style. My, you know, my dad was, you know, spared the shocking realization because he was deaf, that even the best of Hasidic pop stars still sound pretty much, hi, it'll die. But I was, you know, whatever it was that was my bar mitzvahs, I'm fucking miserable. Yeah. And what I ended up spending my bar mitzvah money on, just to tell you the question you asked at the beginning, what I ended up blowing all fifteen hundred dollars of my bar mitzvah money on was phone sex. I would sneak down.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you mentioned that was where.

[Moshe Kasher]

I became a fuck up.

[Pete Holmes]

That's perfect.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. I would sneak downstairs while my Hasidic family slept, and I would call phone sex lines in the middle of the.

[Pete Holmes]

Night and then pay them back.

[Moshe Kasher]

Well, then eventually, when you're doing phone sex, you're just trying. Speaking of cognitive dissonance about texts, you're just trying to ignore the fact that there's phone bills coming and that deaf people don't call phone sex lines so they'll be able to identify who the culprit is. Phone sex is entirely wasted on the deaf. So diddle die, diddle die. What are you wearing? Are you wet for me? Hi, diddle die. Of course I am 18. Why are you asking? Oh, I sound like a teen.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, were you good at phone sex as a teenager?

[Moshe Kasher]

I guess I must have been, huh? But they're good.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of practice, you know, they're good.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, they. They, they're. They're. They're used to. I mean, that's their job, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Then they get a lot of kids. I think I've maybe told this story on the show before, but I called the phone sex line and I was like, hi. Oh, what are your.

[Moshe Kasher]

What are your. No Jews in sight.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, why?

[Moshe Kasher]

Because you're Mickey. You sound like Ranky Mouse, straight up.

[Pete Holmes]

That was good. Not a Jew in sight.

[Moshe Kasher]

Hey, Minnie Gorsh. Mickey. There's not a Jew in sight.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, so phone sex.

[Moshe Kasher]

10. Phone sex. That's how it happened. I mean, I can't do that. I want to do the bit. But it's like, it's a bit. I'm not gonna do a bit on your podcast. Oh, you have a bit. Come see me live. It's the. It's the bulk of my story.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right.

[Moshe Kasher]

But the bulk of my current touring hour is this story of the phone sex. So come see me live. Yeah, but so years go by, 10 years later, it's my, you know, my dad gets sick very quickly, rapidly declines. He's, you know, dying. I have that conversation with Shmieloo. You remember Shmiel? Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

You're so lucky.

[Moshe Kasher]

You're so lucky you can actually do the scandalous thing of becoming an attorney.

[Pete Holmes]

What I wouldn't give to be grueling away in law school.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

That's his Bahamas.

[Moshe Kasher]

That's his rock star, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

You know what I mean? That's his stand up comic or whatever. Yeah. So my dad dies and we're sitting shiva, you know, and the way that shiva works is you sit there and three times a day, 10 men will gather and you'll say a prayer for the soul of the departed. And you have to have 10 men for some special express train prayer to go to God.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

So it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, God, we got a prayer.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, how many men?

[Pete Holmes]

It's four.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm busy. Call me when it's 10. I'll have a medium soup. He's at a diner. For some reason. He's at a diner.

[Pete Holmes]

If there were Oscars for improvised medium soup callbacks, everyone would standing ovation when you got that award. God, I throw you into a God room. I'm picturing him just on a cloud or something.

[Moshe Kasher]

Me too, though. But he also is at a restaurant because all things are possible with the Lord.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a medium slave.

[Moshe Kasher]

He turns away from his assistant back to his waitress.

[Pete Holmes]

God himself. The Lord finds a bowl a bit much and a cup not quite enough.

[Moshe Kasher]

The question is, if there's an all powerful God, can he make a cup of soup that is medium enough even for him?

[Pete Holmes]

And I like that. It's not like clam chowder or minestrone.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's just.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll have the medium soup. I think you said omni. I'll have a medium soup.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'll have a medium soup. What kind of soup? I'm God. Matzo ball. So, so, so, so as you know, the bar mitzvah is the ascension into manhood, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Moshe Kasher]

So 10 years later, my dad is sick and he dies and we're sitting shiva. And like I said, this express train so 10, 10 men will gather at the house every day as you commemorate the. Do you want to do some more superstars?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just laughing about.

[Moshe Kasher]

What did you happen?

[Pete Holmes]

10 men come in.

[Moshe Kasher]

So one day, 10 men come in. Actually, 10 men come in. My father's best friend, Billy Newman, who is a deaf man, and another deaf man who's my brother, his brother in law are there. And then guess who comes and is the tenth men. Tenth man, Mordecai. Mordechai Ben David walks into the house just to pay his respects. And he's the 10th man. And we say, great, we've got 10 men. Let's start the prayers. And Mordechai Ben David. Stop, stop, stop, stop. We don't have 10 men officially yet. The two deaf guys don't count. Now I'm in my father's house, a deaf man's house, a deaf man's house. His best friend and his brother in law are in there. And he stops it and says, the two deaf guys can't be counted in a minion. What's called a minion, the express train thing, because they're deaf. It's theologically incorrect. But I. And it's also just common sense. Why? Indecent?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Moshe Kasher]

You know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Moshe Kasher]

And I wanted to stand up. You know me, yeah, I'm an asshole. I'll fucking tell anybody anything. You know, I want. I'm 20. I want to stand up and say, you know, get the fuck out of my house. But I'm so filled with that childhood shame when I was a kid being found out to be not good enough in that Jewish way. I just couldn't muster the strength to do it. And I just sat there as he did this. And we waited for two more men to come. Oh, and my brother, too. We both just sat there, were shocked. Our dad died literally days earlier, like two days earlier. And we didn't do anything. We didn't do anything. And I just sat there and I promised myself that if I were ever to be asked to do a prominent podcast for a second time, I would use that opportunity to tell the world what a piece of shit Mordechai Ben David was. And my book and every other form.

[Pete Holmes]

Of media that you've ever had.

[Moshe Kasher]

He didn't just make a mistake because my aunt wrote him a letter and said, this is why theologically, what you did was wrong. And this is why morally what you did was wrong. And he never wrote back. So he deserves. I hope to God he's heard about my book. That passage in the book.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Where I say, I just promised myself if I ever wrote a book, I would tell the world. Use it to tell the world what a piece of shit Mordechai be David was.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow. Wow.

[Moshe Kasher]

So here's the end of the story. It was really intense.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

End of the story, a year later.

[Pete Holmes]

There is a sketch version where he keeps going down the line of why some of the guys don't count as men.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, yeah, Bernie. Bernie's not a man. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at this little weird neck. We need another guy to cover Bernie.

[Moshe Kasher]

Hold on.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I hadn't picked such an obvious name.

[Moshe Kasher]

So a year goes by.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Moshe Kasher]

And the Shiva's really an intense thing. You know, you spend seven days sitting, dealing with your grief. The end of the seventh day, you stand up, you walk around the block as if to let the soul of the departed person go. And they're gone. Then you spend 30 days not shaving, not listening to music, not going to movies. And then you spend a year saying the prayer for the dead when you go to temple. And it's like a very structured grief thing.

[Pete Holmes]

What happens if someone dies during the Shiva? Someone else dies.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, I guess you would just have no idea.

[Pete Holmes]

Start over.

[Moshe Kasher]

14 day Shiva. Yikes. That sounds shitty.

[Pete Holmes]

That's too much Shiva. What if they die on the first day of Shiva and you're like, we.

[Moshe Kasher]

Could, we could double it up, do an eight day Shiva. Mordechai. What do you think? That's good.

[Pete Holmes]

No deaths.

[Moshe Kasher]

Was he deaf, the guy that died? Yeah, he was. Alright, you're fine. You don't even have to start over.

[Pete Holmes]

30 minute Shiva for a death, you wipe your hands with a moist jack. You roller skate with one roller skate. That's a shiver for a deaf.

[Moshe Kasher]

Shiver for a deaf. Some laughter, some tears. I mean, speak of gallows humor and pain in humor. Like, you know, people, you know, this is the stuff that I think back at. This is how I find like, like we're talking about pain through humor. Like this is it. Like my whole book was, was about. My whole life is about laughing at things that were painful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

And there was this AA speaker. I was once heard, it said, anything you ever laugh at, you'll never be ashamed of again. I think that really resonated with me. So I think that's why I tell jokes about any subject. I think that's great with impunity because it's like, this is what we're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

You'Ll never be ashamed of again. Yeah, I love that. And that's a Good mantra for this. You know, we share so much on the show, right. You have to wonder, like, what is the purpose of that all? And then I also love. I believe it was Freud said the ultimate way to not need therapy or to, like, be completely sound is to have no secrets. And I find that to be very nice, too.

[Moshe Kasher]

For sure. You know, there's also a saying from the Torah, which is. There is. There's two people that are guaranteed a place in. What? Say it. What?

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel a medium soup coming.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not. It's not. This is real. Yeah. There's a mishnah, you know, the ones that you believe, all of them, you're a fool. But there's a Mishnah that says that there are two people that are guaranteed a place in the world to come. One. I don't remember. Two. I don't remember the first one. Two. Oh, comedian.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. The comedian that made a person laugh is guaranteed a place in the world to come because he brought joy to other people.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Moshe Kasher]

Swear to God.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Moshe Kasher]

Guaranteed a place in heaven is a mitzvah. That Mishnah is one that I believe because it's convenient. Yeah, exactly. Because it applies to me.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Moshe Kasher]

Great. So a year goes by. It's a year later, I'm now, I think, I guess 21 years old. The year after my dad died. I'm gonna start comedy pretty soon. I'm not there yet at this point in my life. I go home, I grow my hair out, I look crazy. You know what I mean? Like, I look. I look like I've got long hair, super long hair. I just look like a wild man, you know, big old kind of Samsony hair.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a wolf.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah, yeah. Or like Samson, you know? You know the story of Samson in.

[Pete Holmes]

The Bible with the gauntlets?

[Moshe Kasher]

Got all this power from his hair. From his hair. You know, he knocked down the walls to Jericho because he had this powerful hair, you know, the super, super strength.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at that hair.

[Moshe Kasher]

So what a powerful head of hair.

[Pete Holmes]

So the two guys watching it, like a giant man.

[Moshe Kasher]

Hold on a minute. Interpret.

[Pete Holmes]

Interpreting it so wrong. It must be the hair.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, my God. The writer of the story, he's a giant. I mean, big, strong man. Wow. Great hair. Oh, he's got good hair. Must be. That's before they knew what strength was.

[Pete Holmes]

It's gotta be that hair.

[Moshe Kasher]

I would assume it's the hair.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean, you want me to rewrite this where it's not his hair?

[Moshe Kasher]

It's clearly his hair. I have a medium soup. Okay, so look, look, let's take the.

[Pete Holmes]

Manuscript, we'll get a couple medium soups.

[Moshe Kasher]

I got lunch with God right now. Okay, I too will have a medium soup. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll have what he's having. Always the right choice when you're having lunch with God.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh yeah, totally. You're in a diner, you look over at somebody making a lot of noise, right? Sitting with Billy Crystal, making a lot of noise. He's going, let there be light. I'll have medium soup. I'll have what he's having.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what God says when he comes. Let there be light. That was your, what was it? When Harry Sally orgasm scene.

[Moshe Kasher]

I just want to stop you because I feel like you just said something accidentally profound. Has anyone ever said before that the creation of the universe is God coming? When you think about it, that's what that is. I'm not trying to make a joke here even, but it's hilarious.

[Pete Holmes]

Like life exists, life shoots out of God. The big bang.

[Moshe Kasher]

The big bang is God literally shooting big fat universe sized load all over time. And what was, what is now? Time and space?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

The biggest load ever. This is a big fat pile of cum. It contains this universe, the multiverse, the universe where you kiss the girl and don't kiss the girl as you are drenched in God's Cummings. Welcome back to Going Going God. Act one. We discuss a medium soup size bowl of God's cum.

[Pete Holmes]

Buddha with Buddha with butterfly wings.

[Moshe Kasher]

Act three, taking God's cum and telling everybody else to come on, change the world. Come all, I have a dream.

[Pete Holmes]

Come all ye faithful.

[Moshe Kasher]

Come all ye faithful.

[Pete Holmes]

On today's Come out ye faithful gay people.

[Moshe Kasher]

Come out.

[Pete Holmes]

Come out of the closet. Where, where were we?

[Moshe Kasher]

So it's a year later. Yep, I got long hair like Samson. Yep, I walk.

[Pete Holmes]

It's gotta be the hit.

[Moshe Kasher]

It's a, it must be the hit. I go back to Seagate to, to New York on the year anniversary of my father's death to celebrate his death. And what you do, you get together, I mean, celebrate his life. But the year anniversary is like a big thing. So I fly back home and you know, you have a little party and then you go to temple and you do this final prayer of the morning of the dead of the year. You're done, you're done with this prayer that you've been saying all year long. And I fly back home and we're getting ready to go to temple and all of a sudden I Realize that I've got this fucking hair, you know, And I shrink to this little 7 year old kid again in that pizza place. Like fucking base Yakov, no skin. Terrified. Everybody's gonna find out. And of course they're gonna find out. It's demonstrative. It's on my. It's on my head.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

Like, I have long hair.

[Pete Holmes]

You were supposed to stop cutting it, though.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, no, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

That was just during the 30 days.

[Moshe Kasher]

No, you don't shave for 30 days. That's not connected to. No, I've got literally long hair. Like if an English prayer book is an alarm bell for. Look at this goy. I have long hair like a rock and roll guy. Now that's fine. In Oakland, where I. I'm living. But again, I'm not 21 years old, you know, But I'm. I'm freaking out. Like, I'm a seven year old boy again. Everybody's gonna know. I'm gonna go to temple. They're all gonna turn, they're all gonna look. I'm like, I'm. I'm literally freaking out. I'm grabbing my little brother's bar mitzvah hat. Like, you know those Borsalinos that the Jews wear? You know, the like fedoras?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

You know, this is not the cool Williamsburg fedora. This is like the old school, like Mafioso fedora.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

And I'm like, literally like comment stuffing. It's a hat for a person with a smaller head than me. It does not fit on top of my head.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

And I'm like stuffing my hair into the hat.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Marge Simpson style.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah. Like the scarecrow from wizard of Oz. Like stuffing my brains back into my head as they spill out. And all of a sudden I'm literally panicking, you know, because it's like, if you could go back to your place of deepest childhood trauma and have it physically manifested on your head. And I just take this moment where I go. I take a deep breath and I go, look at my feet. You know, I go, okay, here I am. I'm 21 years old. I'm not a child. I'm not seven. I'm not. I'm not back then. I'm not. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm here. They're gonna see my hair. I took a deep breath. I took that hat off of my head, let my hair spill down onto my shoulders like Samson, you know, I got my strength back. I broke down the walls to my past. And I, that day, became a man. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you went.

[Moshe Kasher]

And I went. And I just thought, this is it, man. What do I care? I'm a grown up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

I'm a man now. That's the day I felt like I became a man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

What do I care what these random, like, medium soups think? What the fuck do I care? Why do I care? It's not even like, fuck those guys. It's like, fuck my own past.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

What. What world am I living in where I care?

[Pete Holmes]

What belief system? What's important?

[Moshe Kasher]

What do I care what these strangers in a. In a shtetl in Brooklyn think? Oh, no, he's not religious. I'm not religious. Yeah, they're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

And what are they gonna do with that information? They're gonna go like this. Oh, not religious. Scandalous. I mean, they're just gonna go back to life. And so that's what happened. I went to temple. You know what happened in temple? And I walked in with long hair, but nothing. Yeah, nothing. Yeah, nothing happened. They probably looked and thought, oh, that guy's not religious. You know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I do.

[Moshe Kasher]

If I'd been like, can I hang out with you? They probably been like, no, you have long hair. Yeah, that was it. Yeah, I was done.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's great.

[Moshe Kasher]

And I've never felt ashamed religiously since that point.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. That is a good way to end.

[Moshe Kasher]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you feel satiated?

[Moshe Kasher]

I feel very good.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel great. Gosh, I have. You make me laugh so hard.

[Moshe Kasher]

You too, man. You're the easiest person to talk to in the world for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate that. But we were crying with laughter on the way over.

[Moshe Kasher]

That was so fun.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been weeping this episode.

[Moshe Kasher]

Really funny. There's been some great moments.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Moshe Kasher]

I loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

And now begins the post show. Why does Katie have a 49ers sticker up? Get that shit out of here.

[Moshe Kasher]

Are you a football?

[Pete Holmes]

No, this is a house of nerds.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, fair enough, right?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't care about the 49.49ers. Well, thank you, Moshe. That was incredible.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, yeah, dude, I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

I love you too, man. So much. And I really appreciate it. Do you mind saying the silly thing we say? Keep it crisp.

[Moshe Kasher]

Oh, wait, he'll do it as I want to grasp me. No, hold on. Game band Gramps. Me. Oh, wait, how did I do it with the. Yeah, grants me. Anyway, guys, keep it crispy. Wait, do we plug things? Just go to my website or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Cashier of the. And the rest Rye.

[Moshe Kasher]

The champs podcast, moshacashern. Com. I love you, Mocha. Cash Earn. Thank you, Pete. Thanks, Moshe. Greens Bean. So crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so crispy.

[Moshe Kasher]

My ice can't make you haters want to get me?