Nick Thune #3

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Guest: Nick Thune (#3)

Release Date: April 16, 2025
Main Theme: Comedy, secret weirdness, vulnerability, creative process, and personal growth, featuring two veteran comedians riffing deeply on shoplifting, family, stand-up culture, sobriety, and meaningful life advice.

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Episode Overview

In his third appearance on You Made It Weird, comedian Nick Thune returns for a candid, hilarious, and at times philosophical chat with Pete Holmes. The conversation covers everything from adolescent shoplifting and family stories, to the nuts and bolts of stand-up comedy, the evolution of podcast culture, sobriety, and the meaning of life. Thune shares about his new, clean comedy special "Born Young" and its production via Nate Bargatze’s Nateland. Throughout, the episode maintains Pete and Nick’s signature playful, self-deprecating banter, with surprising vulnerability and warmth.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Physical Comedy and Quick Riffing (00:15–04:06)

• The episode opens with Pete and Nick bantering about a physical trip hazard (“the Marianne Williamson tape"), leading into jokes about clumsy moments and comedic timing.
• Nick quips about the moment: “I just don’t look where I’m walk. It seems beneath me.” (01:58)

Memorable Excerpt:

Nick Thune (01:58):
“I just don’t look where I’m walk. I, oh, it seems beneath me.”
—A perfect setup for their “fast clip” conversational style.

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2. Comedy in the Digital World: Clips vs. TV Spots (02:31–04:42)

• Both discuss the modern reality where viral clips can eclipse traditional late-night TV appearances as career milestones.
• Pete: “You only do a TV spot now to clip it.” (02:48)

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3. Early Jobs and Inventive Lies (03:29–07:01)

• Nick recounts working at a Subaru dealership as a teenager and creating an elaborate lie (claiming to have HIV) as his way of quitting—underscoring his discomfort with regular work and classic teenage avoidance.
• Nick Thune (05:26):
  “Because I didn’t want to work there anymore. And I was so dumb that I thought …HIV felt like the only way out of that deal.”
• Discussion on the fallout with his father, illustrating family dynamics and young deceit.

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4. Adolescent Shoplifting Adventures (07:32–14:37)

• Both share childhood stories of stealing—from hair dye and chrome tire caps (“chromies”) to magazines and chewing tobacco—bonding over the thrill and guilt of minor lawbreaking.
• Pete: “You’re taking a Winona Ryder.” (08:44)
• Discussion of elaborate ruses like hiding magazines and dividing shoplifting tasks.
• Reflection on being caught, banned, and even narcing on other kids.

Memorable Excerpt:

Pete Holmes (13:00):
“I was so humorless about it. I hated that he did a bit. I was like, please, I don’t want to shoplift.”

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5. Gender Roles and Childhood Identities (16:00–17:05)

• Pete: “I always wanted to be hanging with the girls...I wanted to gossip, collect stickers. I wasn’t like the boys. All smelled like farts.” (16:16)
• They discuss their formative desires to fit in and be liked by girls, with Nick reflecting on mystique and social strategy.

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6. Parenting and ‘The Talk’ (17:05–22:24)

• Nick shares about his 11-year-old son’s first dating rumors and navigating “the birds and the bees” talk—spurred by a car conversation about Home Depot skeletons and penis bones.
• Comedy gold emerges from his confusion:
  Nick Thune (20:08):
  “I said, I don’t know.”
• Pete’s incredulity:
  “There’s no bone in there, Nick. What did you tell your son?”

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7. Playing a Penis, Podcast Golden Age, and Viral Bits (22:24–24:54)

• Nick details acting as a penis in "Bad Johnson" and connects it to a weird documentary he watched.
• Both reminisce on the camaraderie and culture of early stand-up podcasts, missing the insular 'golden time'.

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8. Idea Generation, Comedy Process & David Lynch (32:28–36:55)

• Nick, inspired by David Lynch, describes the creative process as glimpsing ideas you have to nurture—exemplified by a bit about expecting to see salsa with purchased tortilla chips, which went quickly from inspiration to a Tonight Show set.
• Nick Thune (33:11):
  “You can only see it. You can’t go in and get it. And then you have to take it and nurture it and build the idea off what you thought you saw.”

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9. Comedy Club Nuances: Late Friday Shows & Audience Energy (43:48–47:14)

• They analyze club show dynamics: the myth of the terrible late Friday audience, shifting trends where Fridays are now sometimes better than Saturdays.
• Pete: “Stand-up is writing with consequences.”
• The importance of live feedback, adapting to room energy, and recognizing the business realities of stand-up.

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10. Tour Life, Creativity & Age (47:14–50:26)

• Nick paints and does art in hotel rooms while on tour; Pete reads and advocates for “having a morning”—claiming control over your day by waking up early.
• Pete Holmes (48:56):
  “…if you have a thing at 9, I couldn’t feel more strongly about this… If you get up at 6:30 and have your day, that 9am is no longer the turning point of your day.”

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11. Norm Macdonald, Podcast Recommendations & Comic Admiration (51:29–57:15)

• The two wax lyrical about Norm Macdonald’s genius, discussing Norm's podcast, legendary bits (like the “ManGrate” saga), and the ineffable quality of certain comedic legends.
• Nick Thune (53:37):
  “His only sponsor was the Man Grate. And eventually they said, stop talking about us…”

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12. Shared Comedy History and Mushrooms Gone Awry (57:15–63:10)

• Reminiscing about a forgotten short film they made and a memorable (bad) mushroom trip on Pete’s show—underscoring how far they’ve both come in terms of self-knowledge and coping skills.
• Pete shares an important mantra for coping: “Yes, thank you.” (62:29)

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13. Self-care Rituals & Stand-up Coping Strategies (63:10–65:36)

• Nick listens to Toto’s “Rosanna” before Tonight Show performances; both comedians discuss their “hype” songs and self-care rituals for overcoming nerves.

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14. Spirituality, Church Trauma and Vulnerability (88:38–96:30)

• As the conversation winds down, Pete inquires about Nick’s current relationship with meaning, God, and life’s bigger questions.
• Nick shares gratitude for AA and the reality-based, non-judgmental support it offers, contrasting it with the performative aspects of some church cultures.
• Pete and Nick agree on the importance of honest, open conversations about reality (sex ed, porn, etc.) rather than shaming or denial.

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15. Self-awareness on Success, Touring, and Money (76:01–83:55)

• Both talk about choices around money, family, travel class, and providing for children, balanced against wanting to be present and not lose sight of personal priorities.

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16. Addiction & Quitting Nicotine (83:55–85:09)

• Deep dive into the reality of nicotine addiction and quitting, with both sharing hard-won lessons on dependency and the subtle freedom of pocket space.

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Notable Quotes

• Nick Thune (05:26):

  “HIV felt like the only way out of that deal.”

• Pete Holmes (43:48):

  “Stand-up is writing with consequences.”

• Nick Thune (33:11):

  “You can only see it. You can’t go in and get it. And then you have to take it and nurture it and build the idea off what you thought you saw.”

• Pete Holmes (48:56):

  “…if you have a thing at 9, I couldn’t feel more strongly about this… If you get up at 6:30 and have your day, that 9am is no longer the turning point of your day.”

• Pete Holmes (62:29):

  "The most powerful coping strategy for so many situations is to say yes, thank you—is to act like you like what's happening… When I go, yes, thank you. It always helps."

• Nick Thune (71:22):

  "[Nate Bargatze] just wants to share the stuff that he likes with the people that like him… I just want to put your special out for my audience to see it, buddy."

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Topic / Key Segment | |:-------------:|:--------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:15–01:48 | Opening banter and physical comedy riffs | | 03:29–07:01 | Subaru dealership quitting story, family intervention | | 07:32–14:37 | Shoplifting stories & early mischief | | 16:00–17:50 | Gender roles, childhood identities, fitting in | | 17:05–22:24 | Discussing "the talk", boners, and parenting awkwardness | | 32:28–36:55 | David Lynch & nurturing comedy ideas | | 43:48–47:14 | Comedy club insights: late Friday, Saturday, audience energy | | 47:14–50:26 | Touring, doing art, aging, and morning routines | | 51:29–57:15 | Norm Macdonald & comedy legend discussion | | 57:15–63:10 | Mushrooms gone wrong & coping strategies | | 63:10–65:36 | Performance rituals & preparing for TV | | 76:01–83:55 | Money, family, travel, and parental responsibility | | 83:55–85:09 | Quitting nicotine and addiction lessons | | 88:38–96:30 | Spirituality, church shame, and authenticity vs. performance |

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Recommendations and References

• Nick Thune’s Special: Born Young (available on YouTube)
• Podcast Recommendation: Valley Heat (Pete: “the world’s greatest podcast.”)
• Books: What’s Happening to My Body? referenced in penile anatomy debate.
• Norm Macdonald Bits: “Man Grate” podcast sponsor saga and infamous “Moth Joke” (Conan O’Brien).

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Closing

Nick Thune and Pete Holmes serve up an episode dense with laughter, wisdom, vulnerability, and deep dives into the weirdness that makes us human. From shoplifting as metaphor to stand-up as spiritual expression, this is required listening for fans of comedy and the creative process.

Closing Quote, Nick Thune (97:50):

“I genuinely hope that everyone keeps it crispy.”

Check out Nick’s special Born Young and keep it crispy, weirdos.

Transcript

[Nick Thune]

You made it weird. You made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah. You made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening, weirdos? Always, always, always a delight to sit down with the hilarious Nick Thune, who has a new special produced by Nate Bargazzi and Nateland Entertainment on YouTube right now. It's called Born Young. It's, it is hilarious. You need to check it out. It's very, very good. It's also clean, which is fun. What a fun one. I'm also on the road. I'm touring currently. Go to peteholmes.com for tickets. This is the PG13 tour. Not quite clean, but sort of clean. A mostly clean comedy tour. So not filthy is what I like to say. Let's see if you hear this. The week comes out this Fri, this Saturday. Excuse me. I'll be at the Paramount Theater in Austin. Following up with that, we'll have Toronto, Los Angeles, Nashville, Irvine, California, San Jose, California, Houston, Royal Oak, Michigan, Washington, D.C. and Boston, Massachusetts. We just added a second show for Boston, which is awesome. So come see me in Boston in August. All of Those are on peteholmes.com Hope you can be there. In the meantime, enjoy this chat with the wonderful Nick Thune and do and do check out his new special born young on YouTube.com right now. All right, get into it. Put the double tape on that. Put the double tape. That's the, what do we call it? What's her name? Marianne Williamson. It's the Marianne Williamson tape. We just realized it was like, I think she tripped on it. And we were like, we got to put some, some tape on there. But old thin still tripped on it.

[Nick Thune]

You could have, you could have brought it up to me when you, when you, when I walked in and we could have talked about it the whole way here. There's a step and I still would have tripped on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you think so? Are you a column?

[Nick Thune]

I, no, I just don't look where I'm walk. I, I, oh, it seems beneath me.

[Pete Holmes]

How did you do that?

[Nick Thune]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Rolling on that. How did you do that?

[Nick Thune]

I don't know. It just happened.

[Pete Holmes]

How did you do that? You wrote a perfect Nick Thune joke. Fresh.

[Nick Thune]

I want to, I want to actually remember that for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

You need. Well, yes, because everyone's going to be commenting it over this clip in the first five seconds.

[Nick Thune]

Too late. I can't do it on TV now. It's already been.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I disagree. Clip still good.

[Nick Thune]

Clips are good. Yeah. You're Okay. I would. I would take six clips over one television appearance.

[Pete Holmes]

Like six viral clips.

[Nick Thune]

Six viral clips over one hot TV spot.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you only do a TV spot now to clip it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Know what I'm saying?

[Nick Thune]

Also for the thrill of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Also the fun of it. Two grown men with muscles opening a curtain for you. I never knew that.

[Nick Thune]

Hard bodies. Couple.

[Pete Holmes]

Hard body. Real men.

[Nick Thune]

People don't use hard body.

[Pete Holmes]

They smell like cigarettes and.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah, union guys. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tough as nails. People don't use hard body.

[Nick Thune]

I love hard body. I. I love hard body. I really do.

[Pete Holmes]

I love hard body. You mean for men and women?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, I mean, I like it more for men. I think I just remember when I worked at a Subaru dealership.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry?

[Nick Thune]

I worked at a Subaru dealership.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, I guess two years ago in the outback. No. Too bad.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. You made a joke and I was just making my dumb Outback.

[Nick Thune]

No, in the forester. We were just.

[Pete Holmes]

So we're going too fast. We're going to sync up. Yeah, we'll sync up.

[Nick Thune]

We are.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I've forgotten how hilarious and quick you are, so I should just relax.

[Nick Thune]

No, we are.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm used to peppering in, but I.

[Nick Thune]

Just remember some guy. I washed cars at this. I eventually sold cars there, but I washed cars.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know that.

[Nick Thune]

Very brief senior year of high school.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Nick Thune]

I quit because of aids.

[Pete Holmes]

What? Quit because of aids?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. I.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody quits selling cars because of hiv.

[Nick Thune]

No, you're right. And that. That was probably part of the problem because. What. Cause what had happened was I did have an std. I don't remember what it was. Oh, it wasn't. I mean, it was. I do remember it was chlamydia.

[Pete Holmes]

You had chlamydia?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, when I was 17. Who knows how I got it?

[Pete Holmes]

From sex?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, mostly. Most likely. Mostly.

[Pete Holmes]

And also some swashbuckling, but mostly sex gave me chlamydia.

[Nick Thune]

And I had to get a blood test, and they didn't. You know, at the time, you know, this is 1997. Not one. No one really knew all the information about hiv. Yeah. And, you know, they were like, we'll get back to you in a few days with your HIV test. And so I took. You know, I hadn't been acting much yet, but I took that feeling with me of not knowing if I had HIV or not into the office of the owner of the Subaru dealership and sat down and broke into tears and said that I couldn't work there anymore because I had hiv.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait Is this real?

[Nick Thune]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Why did you do that?

[Nick Thune]

Because I didn't want to work there anymore. And I was so dumb that I thought it would really. They would drum up some pathos. They would not let me. They would be like, no, you're doing this. This is good for you. You know, like they're salesmen. They don't let you out of a deal, they keep you in. And HIV felt like the only way out of that deal.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you felt trapped at the Subaru dealership.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, I was a senior in high school.

[Pete Holmes]

But you were about to graduate.

[Nick Thune]

It was like a would have ended itself. No, I would have had to work there all summer and I wasn't going to go to college. It probably would have had to go on from there.

[Pete Holmes]

And you'd still be slinging soups.

[Nick Thune]

I know. Well, the problem is, is my dad's the one that got me the job there because he worked in the car business and I didn't really think that through.

[Pete Holmes]

So, like, you really would have been stuck, you mean?

[Nick Thune]

Well, yeah, but also my dad's going to hear about it. Like I. That night at dinner, I remember the phone, somebody called, my dad answered it and it was such a quick. Huh? No. Okay, thank you. He sits down and he says, hey, Nick, did you tell Ron Swanson or whatever his name is that you have aids? Yeah. Well, no, I said hiv, which, you.

[Pete Holmes]

Know, autoimmune deficiency known as aids.

[Nick Thune]

Well, you'll get there. Maybe, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

But your dad didn't even froze flutter think maybe my son has hiv?

[Nick Thune]

No, because he knew that I was a lying bastard. He knew.

[Pete Holmes]

He went to liar immediately.

[Nick Thune]

Well, yeah, one of like cuz like the type of lies that I pulled off. Like I stole hair dye and what color? Blonde, like bleach. And that day, stole it. Went to a friend's house, dyed my hair, went home, went to my math tutor, which was living next door. She got a call, another call from my dad. Okay, we'll have him outside. She goes, your parents are going to pick you up out front. I thought, well, that's weird because I just live right in the backyard. I go up front, I get in the car. They're not talking. I'm just sitting in the back and.

[Pete Holmes]

With bleach blonde hair.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And I'm thinking, something's not right here. We start getting closer to the grocery store and I think, okay, this is a store I stole the hair dye from. So we walk in, they still haven't mentioned it to me. They're just like. They're letting me sit in it in the back. And we go in and the clerk, we see the meet the manager, they take us to the hair dye aisle. And he. He goes, it's this one. He grabs it and he goes up and he rings it up and he goes, yeah, no one's bought this for two weeks. This is the one you say you dyed your hair with? Because I said, no, I bought it, you know, like, I like.

[Pete Holmes]

But this sounds like theater. Like, you think he was checking the database?

[Nick Thune]

He did check. That's what he said. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like that was fake.

[Nick Thune]

I'm sure it was.

[Pete Holmes]

I think they were entrapment. I think we have a case.

[Nick Thune]

I said, well, I said. I go, is there a chance that it's not in there? And he said, it is highly unlikely. And I said, okay, there it is. Me think there it is. Yeah. There's a. When you're saying there's a chance.

[Pete Holmes]

Saying there's a chance.

[Nick Thune]

And I left. And I don't think until my mid-20s. I finally said to my parents, I did steal that hair dye.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Nick Thune]

I stuck to it.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a question. Why didn't you buy it?

[Nick Thune]

Because of the thrill.

[Pete Holmes]

The thrill?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You were taking a Winota rider.

[Nick Thune]

I was. I was a thief.

[Pete Holmes]

I thief, a scoundrel.

[Nick Thune]

I would steal, you know, like the little chromies off cars. That was a big one.

[Pete Holmes]

The. The hood ornaments.

[Nick Thune]

I did take a couple hood ornaments. Those are not easy to take, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

No, those are on there.

[Nick Thune]

They're not only are they on there, but the older ones, especially the Mercedes, they're. They've got a really, like, a steel string coming up to it that you really have to like. It's not easy to get them off because they knew.

[Pete Holmes]

Aren't we asking for vandalism? And.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Dr. Mercedes was like, also.

[Nick Thune]

Why. Why would they think that? I mean, monsters out there.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to know, did the first generation of Mercedes that had the hoarder. I bet it was second, third generation. They were like, we need to fix this. You know what I'm saying?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. Do they still have them up there like that?

[Pete Holmes]

The string, you mean?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, they still have, like, the ones that pop out of the. Oh, they're now, like, flush with flush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want that anymore. No, no. But no, the chromies are the things on the air parts of the tires. If those were chrome. Oh, it was, you know, true. You know, the story was if you took.

[Pete Holmes]

The tails would go.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. If you took them into A pawn shop. They were worth about four bucks a pop.

[Pete Holmes]

The little on the. On the tire air gauge, if they were chrome. Oh, wow.

[Nick Thune]

Which are the nicer cars had. And I don't like it. Well, no, it's also just evidence of stealing. And then, you know, a friend of mine got caught, told his parents. I'm the one that taught him how to do it. My parents didn't have to look too deep into the house to find a baggie full of chromies.

[Pete Holmes]

You had enough for a baggie?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I don't like about it is it's just so annoying. You know what I mean?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. It's like a mosquito crime. It's annoying in it, but it.

[Nick Thune]

The exhilaration, you know, the thrill.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me join you instead of judging you. I'm just saying, like, for some reason, I specifically have a thing on the. Because I lose them. Like, they roll under the car. They're gone.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, am I leaking air? I don't think so. It seems to be fine. But anyway, I used to. My tactic would. I'd go into the corner store in Lexington Square Square. Lexington center, and one of us, usually.

[Nick Thune]

Me in New York.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Good. Yeah. They're Lexington Avenue. No, Lexington, the town. I would go in and I would ask. Would hide the Game Pro magazines. Because the nudie mags were behind the counter, kind of barely.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Almost to the side.

[Nick Thune]

They wanted you to think you could touch them.

[Pete Holmes]

They wanted them to be close enough to touch. And you could just kind of duck in and browse them. Yeah, but you know, you're right with the guy who rings them up.

[Nick Thune]

Anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

So I would hide Game Pro. That was always Game Pro. I'd put Game Pro behind a big.

[Nick Thune]

Magazine, which was like the Nintendo. Here's some new codes. Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a Nintendo Power, but for all the systems. Then I'd go up and say, do you have GamePro magazine? Knowing it's not there. He'd come from behind the counter, would look for Game Pro. My man Opie. That's his real name, would circle in, grab a Playboy and run out. And it worked. Well, we only did it once, but it worked.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, that's a good thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Worked every time. Yeah, it is. It has a flare of thoughtfulness.

[Nick Thune]

I got to get this guy out.

[Pete Holmes]

And we need him out for at least 30 seconds.

[Nick Thune]

The nice thing is, is you're never. You're never touching the Playboy.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm also clean.

[Nick Thune]

You're in the Store. But then I bet you guys walk in as friends.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. He never even saw.

[Nick Thune]

Never met this guy before.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know this guy. Second. I bet, though, the part that I blew that I'm under reporting is after he goes, oh, here it is. It's behind Better Homes and Gardens. For some reason, I didn't buy it. Like, a real slick criminal would have bought it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, good. One game pro. And then a really slick criminal would.

[Nick Thune]

Have left extra money, would have bought.

[Pete Holmes]

It and then left without it and like, like, dropped it on the way out, like. Because we did try. Sorry, Nick Thune. I don't mean to steamroll here. We. The first thing we did was I went in and said, will you sell me a Playboy? And he said, no. And he went, they make your eyes crossed. That's what he said.

[Nick Thune]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

They'll make your eyes crossed. And I was like. I was so humorless about it. I hated that he did a bit. I was like, please, I don't want to shoplift.

[Nick Thune]

Is that a Christian thing? They make your eyes crossed? Or is that just a. I feel like.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, this must have been like, you know, I'm in fifth grade, it's the 80s. So he. It might have been something that was popular in the 60s. Like, they'll make your eyes cross. Like your. Your hair. Palms get hairy. You know, it's like in the same family of myth.

[Nick Thune]

That's not true, is it?

[Pete Holmes]

If it were true, I'd be a sasquatch. So keep going. What were you were going to say? It reminded you of something?

[Nick Thune]

Oh, no. Well, I just. I. The partner that the kids. I would steal chewing tobacco. And the way we would do it. Yeah. Is there was. Because they used to keep chewing tobacco just out on one of the aisles. There was like a dispenser for them all. And a friend would get it and go. Yeah, yeah. He would get it and walk it down that aisle and then put it on top of a specific dog food. And then he would walk out the store, and then I would go down and pull it off the dog food, put it in my pocket, and exit a different way, thinking, there's no way we can get caught for this because.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't look like you were even near. What is the thing you would be shoplifting.

[Nick Thune]

And then the guy that was. I don't have anything on me. Yeah, we got caught. We got caught. Yeah, we got caught. Because it was like, next to a mall. And we were in the mall and they came. The security was part of the mall and the grocery store. They came and found us. And they go, we don't know how to prove it, but we know that you did it.

[Pete Holmes]

They showed your cards, Their cards. We can't prove it, so don't deny it, because you'll get away.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, you're banned. Basically, we're just banned.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, they banned you?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, they just said, you're banned from the store.

[Pete Holmes]

I got stopped in the CVS in Lexington center, and he said, empty your pockets. And I had been shoplifting from that store, but not that day. And I emptied my pockets, and there was nothing in there. But there was, like, a weird. I'll never forget, like, a Tweety Bird crayon. It didn't have Tweety Bird on the wrapper. It was shaped like Tweety Bird, and then it had, like, a crayon sticking out. It was like. I remember thinking, this is so embarrassing. Like, I have, like, a child's crayon in.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And another time we narc down.

[Nick Thune]

Do you remember why you had it?

[Pete Holmes]

No. I think I got it at church.

[Nick Thune]

Probably Red Robin.

[Pete Holmes]

Might have been a Red Robin. Like, I'm just on the cusp where placemats are still kind of fun. But I'm also thieving.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I also narcked on a kid that I saw stealing once. And me and my friend, it was almost to make up for it, for the thieving we had done. We told a cop, and I remember the cop, we were like, there's a kid in there shoplifting. And the cop was kind of like, all right. Like, knowing now he. That's not a big bust for him, but he's like, I'm gonna scare a kid straight.

[Nick Thune]

Also, if another kid is telling on a kid, I. It's just like, it's loaded. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like it.

[Nick Thune]

No. And it's also like, what are you trying to get away with? Because it does seem like you're up to something.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm definitely up to something. There's some kid beef.

[Nick Thune]

What would you. What would you have shoplifted that cvs?

[Pete Holmes]

That's a great question.

[Nick Thune]

Baseball cards.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't remember what we were stealing at cvs. I remember wanting to shoplift a Teen Beat magazine because I loved all those bands, but I was too embarrassed to buy one because they were girl magazines. But I wanted to see what Joey McIntyre had on the tour bus.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the times that I did read a Teen Beat magazine. See, I was always. Were you this way? I feel like you might have been. I always Wanted to be hanging with the girls. I wanted to read the girl magazines. I wanted to gossip, wanted to joke around, collect stickers. I wasn't like the boys all smelled like farts.

[Nick Thune]

I didn't know that was possible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I guess I was a trailblazer.

[Nick Thune]

Like.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't say it. Yeah, I guess you're right. I was a bit of a trailblazer. I didn't know I was welcome. I might have been like the weird, sticky kid that was just, like, hovering and I don't. It might have just been a couple.

[Nick Thune]

Times, but, I mean, I wanted to be liked by the girls.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's what it was. I just wanted the girls.

[Nick Thune]

And I thought the more I'm around them, the less they'll like me.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, interesting, your mystique.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You need mystique.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

My son supposedly dating somebody. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

How old is. Is your son now?

[Nick Thune]

11.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Nick Thune]

He's. Apparently when I was gone in New York for a week, there was a. There's a girl. I don't know. It's the first we've heard of New.

[Pete Holmes]

York for a week.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And your son started dating someone. What grade is he in?

[Nick Thune]

He's in fifth.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Nick Thune]

He just had an overnight camp with. With school. I mean, he won't admit to it, but there's something going on here. I mean, it's. You know. And I just had the talk with.

[Pete Holmes]

Him about sexual intercourse. How'd that go?

[Nick Thune]

It went. It was odd.

[Pete Holmes]

It was.

[Nick Thune]

It went. It went really good in the sense that I think I got it all out.

[Pete Holmes]

How did you start it?

[Nick Thune]

That's the problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me tell you about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees.

[Nick Thune]

You just put that song on and.

[Pete Holmes]

Then you just go. And you walk out.

[Nick Thune]

Now flowers, now bees. They pollen it, you know? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like you started with that. No, no. What did you start with?

[Nick Thune]

I mean, that was the problem. I had made a joke with him a while ago about we. You know those huge skeletons that are like Home Depot. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The people who take Halloween real hard.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. We were driving by one and I forgot that he was actually in the passenger seat. I thought, I don't know what. Who I was talking to. And I said, I go, what if those had dicks? And I looked and I realized it was him. And I was like, oh, shit. And wait.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, there's a lot. You're driving, you see the giant skeleton. You sense someone is there.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Enough.

[Nick Thune]

He hadn't been sitting in that seat for Long. It was a kind of a new thing. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Yes. So you're like, usually Rhodes is in the back.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And now somebody's up front. It's probably safe to say.

[Nick Thune]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

And what did he say?

[Nick Thune]

It was silent for, like a minute. And I knew the amount of thinking that was going on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Because I know that he's probably had boners.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And he probably was like, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he hits my window.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And so he said, do penises have bones?

[Pete Holmes]

This is. This is this. Can I just say, it's like a six year gap where boys are like, do penises have bones?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a good portion of your life.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where you're just going, whoever named it a boner. What were you doing? What were you doing?

[Nick Thune]

The thing is, I'm not sure that they don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Viagra is a bone extender. I mean, that makes so much more sense than they swell up with blood.

[Nick Thune]

I mean, you know, like, what are the things that lobster have?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Thorax.

[Pete Holmes]

Like the tail.

[Nick Thune]

They have like a thorax. It's their spine. Right. They're.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I don't know.

[Nick Thune]

What if we had thoraxes? I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Axiom. Cable.

[Nick Thune]

I think there is a type of bone in there.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no bone in there, Nick. What did you tell your son?

[Nick Thune]

I said, I don't know. You did not.

[Pete Holmes]

You did not say, I don't know.

[Nick Thune]

I'd seen a movie.

[Pete Holmes]

No, Nick, you didn't say, I don't know. You did. You didn't say, I don't know because.

[Nick Thune]

I've gotten in trouble with saying stuff that I don't know, and I've been.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, that's defensible.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you should know that you're. You. You think you.

[Nick Thune]

I'm confused.

[Pete Holmes]

Gotten a dick X ray by now.

[Nick Thune]

Can we have the live chat, kind of get in on this?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Thune]

No, but I. I saw a movie, a documentary about penises.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Nick Thune]

About a guy that collected penises from, like, dead animals. Scientifically. Scientifically, this isn't like a guy that's just like, finding roadkill. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

He scientifically was interested in all that.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And he's like, in Finland or something, and there's a museum.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why that checks out, but it does.

[Nick Thune]

There's a penis museum.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Nick Thune]

And there's also this guy that was a real. What do they call guys that are really. You know, it's like. It's not like a. Like a lothario.

[Pete Holmes]

Lothario. Like He's a. Isn't a lothario like a swinging dick?

[Nick Thune]

Like, just like a gigolo? Like a guy that pretty much. It's a small country.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And almost all the women have slept with him. I mean, the guy is known for his penis. No, no, this is just a guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Oh.

[Nick Thune]

And he decided he let the museum guy, like, measure it and all this stuff, and they did, like, tests on it, and then he said, when I die, you can have my penis, and it's in the museum.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he looked at a lady, and he went, you can have it before I die.

[Nick Thune]

Before he gets it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but before you get it it.

[Nick Thune]

Who's the camera operator over there?

[Pete Holmes]

So he said, you can have my perfect wang after I die.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And I think even towards the end, he was like, maybe I don't want to do that. You know, I think he kind of started to have second thoughts. This is a documentary, But I saw this documentary because I played a penis in a movie.

[Pete Holmes]

You played a penis?

[Nick Thune]

Yes, A guy. It's called Bad Johnson is the movie. I shot it. I actually opened up for you while I was shooting it in Chicago. Do you remember that? Forever ago. I was there for, like, two months shooting a movie, and you were doing a spot, the Lincoln Lodge. And I always remember because I was like, your podcast had just kind of gotten big, and, like, you. You, like. All of a sudden, you just, like. You were, like, living high on, like, I'm selling tickets, man. It was like, hog. It was cool.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember that. Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And I remember, like, opening for you being like, this is cool. Yeah, this is really cool.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that was a golden time.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When it was very fresh and new that anybody would come to see anyone cared.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And they knew about you, and they, like. I remember afterwards, people were like, you know, asking you questions about your, like, things. Yeah. I was like, how do they know that stuff? I talk on my podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I. I don't want to say I. It seems to me that there was this golden time when there were only a few podcasts, and I feel like because of that, we had more, probably more fans. I don't know if that's true, but it seems like we had more fans, and there was just more novelty to the whole experience. Like, that was when we were saying, like, laser accuracy and not feeling it and all of these fuck you forever. We had all these catchphrases and T shirts, and it was, like, had a real culture to it. I kind of miss it. I just don't have as much time to till those fields.

[Nick Thune]

I mean, I remember even then thinking, it's too late to start one.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, when I started it, people said that, too, but I know what you mean.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, you were like, right? And you did it at the perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Time, it turns out.

[Nick Thune]

And then the pandemic hit, and I thought, it's too late to start one. Even on the way here, I thought, it's too late to start one.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean. Yeah, go on, though. You open for me. You played a dick.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah, but I played a penis.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's no bone in it.

[Nick Thune]

Well, they do a movie, and I feel like they brought up in the movie that there actually is a bone.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna need Katie to Google this because this is misinformation and this is not Facebook. Katie, open it incognito. We don't need this anymore. You don't need that.

[Nick Thune]

You think incognito saves you?

[Pete Holmes]

You don't think so? I think incognito is the only contract that the Internet honors.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Dead serious. Like, I think they're like, look, we'll do anything and everything. We'll spy on you, we'll listen to you, watch everything.

[Nick Thune]

We're not gonna step over this line.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's the one. I really think that.

[Nick Thune]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And don't take it from me. There is no bone in the human. There's no bone in the human being.

[Nick Thune]

Is that on Wikipedia?

[Pete Holmes]

Bonapedia.

[Nick Thune]

I believe it was right there.

[Pete Holmes]

I said bonaped.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no bone. Because I remember reading the book, what's Happening to My Body? That's what it's called. What's Happening to My great title.

[Nick Thune]

I have that book.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll read it, Nick. Because it says, there's a picture and it points to an erect penis, and it says, not a bone.

[Nick Thune]

No bone.

[Pete Holmes]

Dude, if you had a bone in your wiener, people would be cracking all 10. And then they'd give themselves a little. Of course. Do you know how good that would feel? It would be like something you do when you're coming. You'd be like, no.

[Nick Thune]

Chiropractors are getting in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they tug it, and when you tug it, you'd hear it crack every.

[Nick Thune]

Once in a while. I just saw a dog. Dog chiropractor. You ever seen those videos?

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, it's deep in a TikTok. You can see a pit pole get adjusted and do they love it? Oh, God, that seems like heaven for them. Really? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll say. I started doing Something called trauma release exercises or tension release. It goes. The T can stand for apparently whatever you want. Yeah, thune Release exercises. That's what your ex girlfriends do. They have to do these special exercises to forget the magic of the man real quickly.

[Nick Thune]

Can we put it in here where it looks like. I knew there wasn't a bone on a penis.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, we can make that work.

[Nick Thune]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. We'll just have to re record the whole beginning, including, like, you have to trip. And I have to say, like, you got to watch where you're going.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You go. I don't look down when I walk.

[Nick Thune]

It's beneath me.

[Pete Holmes]

I think he said, it seems beneath.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Or is it beneath me? I don't know.

[Nick Thune]

I don't know. I know that the second that I saw it, I thought, you got something here. You know that feeling good. I want to hear about this trauma release. I want to know. But I actually am interested in it.

[Pete Holmes]

I will tell you. But there is nothing better in the world. And one of the things I love about Valerie of the millions Millions. Flirt. That's a flirt. Is she knows when I'm considering if something's a bit. And she'll give me a moment. We just had one. You tell me we're having dinner. I would have to set it up with, like, Sometimes I just don't know what to say. It's one of those, like, I just don't know what to say. And I was a little bit stoned, but barely. So I want to leave that out when I say that on stage because it kind of makes it a different category of, like, dumb things you say when you're stoned. And I don't think it was because I was stoned, but she was saying, like, I'm. We're looking at the skyline. She's like, I'm optimistic. Look at what human beings do. AI is coming. But, like, we always find a way to persevere. We make skyscrapers and cities. Like, we're so creative and adaptive. Like, look at that. And I swear this is what I said. I went. I wasn't joking either. I went, yeah. It's like if we didn't interrupt the beavers, they'd build casinos. And we laughed for about 45 minutes. And then I went. And she's like, you're thinking about whether or not. I still don't know if it'll make it on the stage.

[Nick Thune]

I know it. But the thing is, it's really easy to get into. That is. I think that should make it on.

[Pete Holmes]

Stage, it's because I go. Sometimes you just say something, and you're just like, where did that even come from?

[Nick Thune]

No, it's talking about AI. Like, talking about fear of, like, things being overtaken and maybe the things that we've interrupted already that we didn't even know about.

[Pete Holmes]

See? You understand what I was trying to say? Yeah, there is a slight logic to what I'm saying. She's saying there is we, if we've got to keep moving, and if we stopped distracting the beavers and talking about these dams that they've made.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They'd make casinos.

[Nick Thune]

I mean, who knows?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm actually, as I say it to you, I'm like, I don't think that's gonna make the transplant.

[Nick Thune]

No, it was funny to us. I had a funny to us thing with my girlfriend where she has these two small white dogs.

[Pete Holmes]

Double brag.

[Nick Thune]

And can I say. And we were at a field. We were, like, alone, triple brag. And we. And we look across the field, and somebody else shows up with two small white dogs. And I look over at them, and I go, your dogs right now are looking over there wondering, is that us?

[Pete Holmes]

It's very funny.

[Nick Thune]

And we just laughed forever. And I thought, there's no way to take that anywhere.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Is that us?

[Pete Holmes]

Is that us? The hardest we've ever laughed. Sometimes we talk about the hardest we've ever laughed on the show. And when people turn it back around on me, I remember we're staying at the Bowery Hotel, which is important. I don't know why it's important. It's kind of like a nicer hotel.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, I like that. You get the little bear and you.

[Pete Holmes]

And the key. Yeah, they give you a little key.

[Nick Thune]

Leave it at the front.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So we're in the Bowery, and I walked in. I was walking out of the bathroom, and my pants were down at my ankles, but I was wearing underwear, and I was being very silly. Please drink that. And I was like. And I go to Val. I go do something that's never been done. Do something that's never been done before. That's what I said. And I tried to spin around. I swear, Nick, I hit my head on a lamp. And then I tripped on my pants and fell onto the bed, luckily. But I did, like, classic, like, real life slapstick. I go do something that's never been done. Hit my head. Spin, fall trip. Then Val laughed so hard she farted. And then we laughed. Yeah, we laughed more than a human's ever laughed. And it was out of nowhere comedy. You're like, I'm gonna go laugh. Funny movie. I'm gonna go laugh. Sometimes a guy just comes out of the bathroom, spins, trips, hits his head, and then your girlfriend farts. Yeah, like an involuntary. She doesn't want this fart to come out.

[Nick Thune]

There's like videos on YouTube that's like maybe one or two that have captured moments like that where there's like.

[Pete Holmes]

They're beautiful.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, God. And have you ever found yourself just crying? Like laughing at the.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean crying emotionally?

[Nick Thune]

No, like. Like laughing so hard, actually, because that is a cry laugh situation.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody just brought up to me. Who was it? We've been doing a lot of podcasts lately, but maybe Katie. I don't know, you know. Oh, it was Russell Howard, maybe. Anyway, we were talking about Jer Jeremiah. We're talking about Gerard Carmichael and how what he does and all of the, like, pausing and the introspection and the like, life sharing stuff. When you ask him about it, he says, I'm trying to save stand up comedy. Who do you remember? Sorry, I thought you turned. Because he's trying to do something like, if you want to laugh, Instagram Reels or TikTok sort of is the quickest way just to laugh. I'm not saying it's the highest art form or something, but the first time I did it, I was scrolling and crying, laughing. I couldn't believe it. I was like, I'm a comedian. Five seconds later, this thing's figured out what I like and it's only showing me what I like. I love these videos where it's somebody with like enormous ears and it just reads the comments, but it sings them like an epic choir. Have you ever seen that?

[Nick Thune]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

See, it's like talking about your dream. Nobody knows what the fuck you're talking about, but I'm dying. And now it just shows me those over and over people singing comments mean comments about people's physicality. So it's kind of mean.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, it sounds great.

[Pete Holmes]

I am scream laughing. And then I'm like, so Jarrod is right. We, as artists, we need to make stand up something other than just we're here to make you laugh. It has to have some sort of nurturing or inspiring or comforting quality because just laughs. You can't beat dog chiropractor.

[Nick Thune]

No, but I want to so bad because I. I have a bit that I. That really kind of re did me recently where I, like I was having that thing. Am I ever going to have an idea again? You know, if you ever have that thought where you're like, where do those even come from? And. Yeah, and David lynch died and maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

He was my ideas.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, there they go. But all the interviews of him started popping up and, you know, and he talks about ideas in this one interview about how he gets them and nurtures them. And, like, he describes it as like an idea being in, like, a room that you really can't get into, but you can see into every now and again.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Nick Thune]

And then it's almost like, you know, I'm paraphrasing it a lot here and maybe taking my own what I took from it there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but putting a bone in a deck.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. To me, it seems like he's saying, you can only see it. You can't go in and get it. And then you have to take it and nurture it and build the idea off what you thought you saw. Wow. You know, and that same day I thought, okay, I'm going to really see something today and take it and nurture it. And it was this most simple thing. At the grocery store, I saw some. A woman in front of me, her stuff was getting rung up and tortilla chips came out of her thing. I didn't see any of her other groceries. And I thought to myself, I bet salsa's coming pretty soon.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Nick Thune]

And then salsa never came. And then I just went down this rabbit hole where I was leaving a voice note to myself in my car about what would have happened if salsa didn't come. No, it didn't come. But what would have happened if she realized it and decided to make a dash for Salsa? Yeah, and we're all in line. And so I kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great.

[Nick Thune]

Came up with this whole thing.

[Pete Holmes]

If I had thought of that, I'd be like, oh, that's like a Nick Thune joke. Because it's like a low stake, high stakes situation.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Have you ever darted out of the line? See, I would say, have you ever darted out of line? You would go, I saw a lady. Salsa's coming soon. She forgot it. Then she runs out, but the tension is there. So, yeah, backflip story. It's like a, you know, we need. Exactly.

[Nick Thune]

That's what I saw there. And then three weeks later, I did it on the Tonight Show. It was like that quick of a bit. And then two days after that, I came up with a better close, which is when you do a bit that early on something, it's still good, but like.

[Pete Holmes]

But I trade off perfection for some of that freshness. Maybe it was better fresh.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe fresh was better than closure, but.

[Nick Thune]

You know, when you get the fresh, it's like. I remember hitting the voice note thing, and I started to kind of tell the story, and I was like, I was standing in line. There were three women ahead of me, and they all had one thing in common. I was right behind them. Like, I'm just in the moment of getting that inspiration. I just am talking in the way that I like to write.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Suddenly, you're. I'm not trying to be sexual here. Like, you're wet. Like, it's like, it's as different being dry or being wet. Or you could say you're lit up. Instead of being dark, you're lit up. I know exactly what you're talking about. Something will push you into your voice, I guess you're saying. I completely understand what you're saying. And sometimes there's just windows, there's pockets where you're like, oh, my God, Funny Pete is here. Usually I have to conjure him up, but he got pulled out of me by seeing something.

[Nick Thune]

And in the moments when funny Pete or Funny Nick's not there to observe what Funny Pete or Nick had done, in a bird's eye kind of point of view can sometimes also order it, you know, like, it's. It's funny. It's like two of you kind of together working.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's. The conscious mind organizes, the unconscious mind creates. And I think Steve Martin said, the unconscious mind creates and the conscious mind edits. And I think that's correct. It's. That's why it's actually Seinfeld's analogy of the transplant. I go, I know. It's funny that I said if we didn't interrupt the beavers, they would make casinos because we laughed at it. But then Seinfeld's analogy is like, can we transplant the organ? Like, when a body rejects an organ, it's because it took too long to get there. It, like, turned. Like, the liver in the cooler turned. And I'm like, I don't think we can get there. Or he also has the chasm one. Like, it's too far to ask them to jump. Like, and sometimes the crowd falls in the chasm between my idea and what I'm planting in their brain. It just doesn't get there. That's really fun. You did it that quickly, too.

[Nick Thune]

That quickly, Yeah, I have a bit too, that I've been like, it's funny. Like, you. You. You wonder if you do something long enough, it'll if it'll fit in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there is something.

[Pete Holmes]

What's the bet?

[Nick Thune]

Well, it's about trying to create. It's about trying to create a say. Like, what. What it means to create a saying. Like, two birds, one stone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And it all started with my. We. A bird died at our house. It hit the window, and I have, like, a whole thing about that. And then we bury the bird in our neighbor's backyard because it's the best part of our backyard to do it, I think. And that's kind of like all these kind of great parts coming up to it. And then it's us, me and my son, trying to implement better than a dead bird in a backyard as a two birds, one stone type of a thing. And I. I mean, it's like, it gets laughs and it's. There kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

It's really tricky.

[Nick Thune]

It is. It's a long. A long walk.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody, a while ago, I forget their name. Forgive me. But they somehow got in touch with me to help them write a joke, like a street joke that would become a joke everyone tells. I was like, people don't really do jokes anymore. Like, if you really want to permeate the culture, they ended up not taking this advice. You need something like. Like think of a mug that says, I think you're on mute. Like, that's a joke that actually went viral. Like, everybody, like, gets that and thinks that's funny. You actually kind of need to make, like, a maxim like that. That would fill a gap. But, like, what is better than a bird in a backyard?

[Nick Thune]

Dead bird. That's the thing. Well, the bit is, is that we don't even know what it means. Like, the bit is, like, we see our neighbor, and we're like, hey, have you tried that burger down the street? And he's like, no, have you? And I go, what am I, a dead bird in the backyard? Yeah, I tried it. And then, you know, three days later, nice day out, huh? Yeah. Thank God I'm not a dead bird in backyard, you know? And, like, that's kind of the. The road that I'm trying to go down with it, where we are just trying to get our neighbor to resay the saying as if he thinks it's a saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Nick Thune]

And then in the end, he does. He comes home from work, and he looks tired, and I say, how you doing, man? He says, honestly, I feel like a dead bird in the backyard.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And I go, that's crazy. I've been trying to. For a year, I've been trying to tell you we buried a dead bird in your backyard. And that's kind of the ending.

[Pete Holmes]

But very funny.

[Nick Thune]

It doesn't. Like it's not there.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean.

[Nick Thune]

And sometimes it works.

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't be surprised.

[Nick Thune]

And those are the times when people are like really into me and they're like, we want to hear every aside that you've got. Every joke.

[Pete Holmes]

No. And a beaver. If we stopped interrupting the beavers that make casinos would work for certain crowds. And then, you know. Are you touring?

[Nick Thune]

On and off.

[Pete Holmes]

On and off. Who books that? I'm just kidding. On an on and on. Enough.

[Nick Thune]

On and off. Not enough. Not enough is what I was trying to say.

[Pete Holmes]

Not enough.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not enough.

[Nick Thune]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

But on and off.

[Nick Thune]

But on and off to our this.

[Pete Holmes]

Episode is brought to us by our friends at Apollo Neuro. That's what this is. You probably see me wearing this little piece of wearable technology in every episode of this podcast because I never take my Apollo off. That's not entirely true. My daughter recently took my Apollo off and she lost it and I didn't have it for three days and I couldn't believe what a difference I noticed in my life. My sleep took a nosedive. I was waking up in the night. My anxiety, my calmness, my overall sense of well being. It's true. Apollo sends sub perceptual meaning. You can have it on a very low setting, which is what I do. Vibrations directly into your nervous system speaking to your body in its own language in a language that it can understand. That makes it feel safe, held and in control. And what I mean when I say it's true, it's true that it works. This is not woo woo. This is made by a board certified psychiatrist and a I want to get this right. A neuroscientist. Got to get the right kind of science in there. Apollo Neuro is a wearable that helps your body recover from stress by sending those vibrations into your nervous system, helping you sleep, focus, relax and be more productive. It's worn on the wrist like me or the ankle like valve. Apollo Neuro is like finding the fuse box for your body with the emotions, with settings like energy and wake up, social and open, clear and focus, joy, rebuild and recover, calm, unwind and fall asleep. As I mentioned, I turn it on to fall asleep, but then it automatically reruns the program while I'm asleep to keep me asleep. It's a chemical free sleep aid. It is incredible. It is a game changer. And Apollo's effects on stress, sleep, cognitive Performance and recovery has been proven in multiple clinical trials and real world studies. And you can get $40 off at ApolloNeuro.com weird and use promo code weird. That's a P-O-L-L-O-N-E U-R-O.com weird. Use promo code weird for $40 off. Also. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let's talk numbers. Traditional in person therapy can cost anywhere from 100, the copy says, to 250.

[Nick Thune]

Ha ha.

[Pete Holmes]

Try 350 in LA. What are you nuts? Goes way up beyond that and that adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per session. With BetterHelp, you pay. You pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and time. Therapy, we're big believers in therapy on the show. Obviously it should feel accessible, not like a luxury luxury. And with online therapy, you can get quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety, boundaries, relationships and everyday stress. Believe me, your mental health is worth it. And now it's within reach. Therapy is the greater than the sum of its parts. It has helped me so dramatically set up healthy boundaries with my family. Get out of toxic relationships, friendships, work situations. It is a game changer. So give yourself the gift of therapy. It couldn't be easier with BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. And it's convenient. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time. Your wellbeing is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com weirdo today to get 10 off your first month. That's betterhelp. H E L p.com weirdo. But when I tour, it's actually, I think it's beautifully humbling because I'm not exclusively theaters by any means. I do a lot of cities where it's clubs. So it's like five shows and then you do like a late Friday and you. And you're up there going like it's. Beavers make casinos. And it's just like the harshest. Like it's. Oh, you just realize you need to.

[Nick Thune]

Have that is a dark feeling.

[Pete Holmes]

It's good, like I'm with you. But look, I've said this a million like stand up is writing with consequences. Meaning if you're just writing a book, who cares if your little joke stinks no one knows but you. Yeah, but that's why it stinks. Stand up. You get hit in the face enough times, you cut. You cut the joke. You know, beavers make casinos, and there is a certain loss there, but, like, there's also something kind of gained as you're just getting stronger and faster.

[Nick Thune]

That late Friday night feeling when you do that joke and you're. And you can actually see yourself from them. And you think, I wouldn't want to hear this either. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's actually what's happening, is you're borrowing.

[Nick Thune]

God, I get you guys.

[Pete Holmes]

That's actually my favorite save line is. I'm like, you're right.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that one was not worthy of you.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When you get them going. And sometimes. You know what's been happening lately, it's almost like the word is out that late Friday is the worst show. And now I've been having a lot of great late Fridays and weak early Saturdays.

[Nick Thune]

Nate and I were talking. Nate Bargetzi and I were talking, and we decided that Fridays are the new Saturdays.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me everything.

[Nick Thune]

We just noticed. We were like, you know, I opened for him at, like, Irvine for a week, and he was trying out new stuff and it was really fun. And obviously his crowds are. Is always good, kind of no matter what. But the Friday shows just go better. Yeah. And I've been noticing that on my own, like what I just said to you. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And sat. You know what? I'll. Here's my theory. I wonder if you guys had a theory. My theory is Saturday, they expect it to be good. Friday, they're surprised that it's good, but Saturday's like. It's Saturday.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. The. The. Oh, 8 o' clock Saturday. The sweet spot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

You know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You know my favorite Sunday?

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a Sunday or a Thursday.

[Nick Thune]

Thursdays are my favorite.

[Pete Holmes]

It's always my favorite.

[Nick Thune]

Those are the. I'd rather do a dedicated kind of like, we want to see this show.

[Pete Holmes]

We want to see this.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Saturday, we've uncovered it. We've solved it. Saturday, they were at the fucking Cold Stone Creamery.

[Nick Thune]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

And the show wasn't sold out. And that's fine. I'm glad. Thank you for coming. But it has a different sizzle than, like, we want to be here on.

[Nick Thune]

Thursday or it was planned to be there. They were like, yeah. And then Saturday, they didn't have anything to do all day. So all day they're thinking, show tonight. We're going to that show. That's going to be the end of our day. That'll probably be the best part of our day. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Whereas Friday, they're like, God, I just want to get through work. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They had something else on their mind.

[Nick Thune]

And then works over and they're like.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wait, they built it up too much.

[Nick Thune]

Surprise.

[Pete Holmes]

They built it up too much.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you do during the day when you're touring? I'm a zero. I do zero.

[Nick Thune]

I do a lot of art. Like, I paint a lot on the road. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You bring your painting supplies?

[Nick Thune]

Not like oil. Like I've got an easel or something, but just like all different types of like, like I'll bring like a, like canvas, paper and oil pastel stuff. Oh, okay, do that. And then I'll like hang it up in my room. No, really, just like tape it on the wall and just kind of create this.

[Pete Holmes]

An indie movie.

[Nick Thune]

I mean, I want to make one for sure, but I, I do it because I used to use the whole thing's room. No, by the end of the weekend, I have like five or six cool pieces that I. What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Like by the end you're like, I've made something beautiful.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And it kind of walks away. And it's like, I have some cool. Sometimes I'll even like make a map of the city as I know it from since I've been there, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's great fun.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's the Chipotle.

[Nick Thune]

But it's better for me than watching stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

I started doing that and reading.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah, me too. We're the exact same age, you and I. Yeah. So we're probably having similar trajectories. I've talked about it a million. But on the old Pete Holmes show, we did a monologue that I'm still so proud. Proud of. It's called have a Morning and it's such an old guy monologue. It's like, don't sleep in. Get up and have a morning. And I'm like, that is the. That's my middle age creeping in. I was probably like 30, but I was like, that is how I feel now on the road. Don't sleep till 1 o'. Clock. That used to be what I would try to do.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Get up, find great espresso, read and you paint. I mean, that's, you've. You've. Next leveled me.

[Nick Thune]

Well also like, I have, like, if I have something at 9am here at home, I'm not going to get up at 8 or 8:30. I'm going to get up at 6:30. Or 7. Because now I realize, like, if I'm going to be somewhere and I want to be myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you need time to become yourself.

[Nick Thune]

I need to become me.

[Pete Holmes]

You also. I. I'm. Welcome to middle age chat. It's so true though. And it was true in our twenties as well. We just didn't know it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, we had no idea.

[Pete Holmes]

We're just old men now thinking we know better. But I think it's true. If you have a thing at 9, I couldn't feel more strongly about this. I'm lit up right now and you get up at 8:30. That 9am thing just made you its bitch. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. It's like it said fuck you and you got smacked in the face by it because you let it set the tone for your day. You let it be your first taste. It dominated you. But if you get up at 6:30 and have your day, that 9am is no longer the turning point of your day. It's just one of the things you did because you're the master of your own ship.

[Nick Thune]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I'm saying?

[Nick Thune]

Oh, believe me.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe you do.

[Nick Thune]

I believe both of us on that. And also I'm gonna say this. Getting up, if you do get up early, if you do get up with time and you go to your phone, that is like input, you know, like you're taking stuff in.

[Pete Holmes]

You've just become a receptacle instead of a vessel.

[Nick Thune]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a, like a sea faring vessel. Like a fucking through an iceberg. I.

[Nick Thune]

And I do it. I still make the mistake.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say my phone. I'm not. Look, I mean, I'm proud of this. I won't look at it for a long time. Sometimes it bites you in the butt, but almost certainly won't. You'll be fine. I'll look at it before. So I drove here for this podcast. Says I'll check. Did Katie text? Did Nick cancel? Because that's. That's worth looking at. My communique device. Yeah, but the people. I was just talking to somebody and it almost broke my heart. He was like, I get up really early and I was like, all right, this is my kind of guy. Because the morning is like stolen time. It's second night if you get up early enough. Second night. Yeah, but nobody's awake. It's a heist.

[Nick Thune]

Except like the people that are like.

[Pete Holmes]

4:00Am The 4:00am Is a little much. Are you a puritan?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're waking up to dig up the.

[Nick Thune]

Radishes it's like Mark Wahlberg stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't need that. And I don't believe it either. Get the fuck out. But anyway, that probably does mean it. Who cares? But I'm saying like, second night, where was I going? What were we saying? How did I lose it?

[Nick Thune]

Second night?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Oh, the second he's like, oh. I was like, oh, this is a second night guy. He understands the thrill of the. The morning heist. And he goes, I get up, I do my wordle and I'm like, dude, look, if wordle was like a by hand game that you did by candlelight, I'd be like, yeah, get the brain going. But if you're looking at your infinite news, communication update, fucking time wasting device to play your brain game, I wouldn't trust myself to do that. It's like going to McDonald's and getting a salad. Like, you're not gonna do it. You're gonna smell the fries. Next thing you're on TikTok watching a pit bull get a chiropractic. Became Dennis Miller for some reason.

[Nick Thune]

That was good.

[Pete Holmes]

Next thing you know, you're on TikTok watching a pit bull get a chiropractic.

[Nick Thune]

I love watching Dennis Miller and Norm MacDonald together. I don't know if you've ever watched those. Those moments, but there it's a really. Because he just obviously loves Norm so much and gets him on such a level that he really loads him up, feeds him and he. It's really fun.

[Pete Holmes]

That's super fun. I think they're doing a Norm documentary.

[Nick Thune]

That mean. I would hope.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope so too.

[Nick Thune]

I mean, I have a tweet that I look back on that was like, YouTube just sent me an email saying there's no more Norm MacDonald material. And this is way before he died. It was just like, stop searching. You're not going to find anything else. Like, because you've seen it all.

[Pete Holmes]

You've seen it all. We're sorry. It's like a new 404 page 404 file not found.

[Nick Thune]

You had.

[Pete Holmes]

You've seen all of it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, you hit the thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel a little extreme, excluded. I say this for fun from Norm, meaning there are some people, great people, brilliant people. They're not all one kind of person. But some people see Norm and they're like, this is everything. I see Norm and I go, this is great. I don't go, this is everything. But there's a lot of people.

[Nick Thune]

I would be on the, this is everything.

[Pete Holmes]

This is everything. I know. And I actually feel excluded. Because I see the excluded meaning. I envy the fervor because it's all people I love.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, they're all. They're all people that I respect and enjoy. We should. You told me to get. I check name check you out every time. You told me about Valley Heat, which is the world's greatest podcast. Are you on it?

[Nick Thune]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

I always think I hear your voice.

[Nick Thune]

I wish.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, you could do it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. It's so good. No, I mean, the amount of people I've turned onto that is like, I should be getting at least some sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

You should be getting a royalty.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You told me about it at Largo, and I owe you everything.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, you listen. That night, you remember, you text when you got home, you were like, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

The greatest thing ever.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But what's. What brought it to mind about Norm? There's some things that are just pure. And if there's something pure, like Norm is pure. Norm is doing his thing. I want in. I want in on it. And if I can't quite access it, just for some reason, I know I'm missing out on something really, really special. Maybe we should just give another try. But Valley Heat is one of those things.

[Nick Thune]

There's a Norm video that a lot of people haven't seen, that a lot of people have seen. But it's. He had a sponsor for his podcast called the Man Great. You ever hear about the Man Great?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Nick Thune]

Then you'd love this. So he had. He. His only sponsor was the Man. Great.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't handle this. And he.

[Nick Thune]

Eventually they said, stop talking about us. We. They pulled their sponsorship because he was making such a big thing out of the Mangrate. And there's a super cut on YouTube of just mangrate and him and the guests. And that's. It's a cry. You're laughing so hard.

[Pete Holmes]

Really.

[Nick Thune]

And it's when you get the part of the Part of Norm that's like making fun of the fact that this is the only thing that's on his podcast, but then also taking it seriously to the point of, like, wanting to get it out there. And anyway, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I ask what a man grate is?

[Nick Thune]

It's a grilling grate, which, if you've seen it, you hear me say grilling grate. And go, oh, God. And he goes, have you. He goes, have you, Dr. They go, they call it a revolution. They go, have you heard the revolution? He goes, the revolution it is. So. And Andy Dick has one. Like, he gives it to Andy Dick. Andy Dick Accidentally throws it on the ground and he goes, that was yours. Like, he's giving him his own man. Great. Oh, it's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess I do get it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe it's just one of those things that I love and I just like classical music. I know. It's great. I just don't throw it on.

[Nick Thune]

Or the jokes at the end of his podcast. Did you ever get into that?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Nick Thune]

He. At the end of his podcast, he would have the guests read jokes on cards, and it was never admitted. Did he write these jokes? Who wrote these jokes?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And he's getting people. Fred Willard, Bob Saget, all these people to say the worst things that are, like, hilarious. Yeah. Obviously written by him. And I think Jim McDonald is that. Or Jim. Jim Downey.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Nick Thune]

He was a writer at SNL that wrote Weekend Update for. For Norm. That was like, one of the best writers, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

And they wrote these. Like, they're racist or something.

[Nick Thune]

They're everything.

[Pete Holmes]

They're everything.

[Nick Thune]

They're everything. And they're under the guise of. We don't know who wrote them, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Nick Thune]

It's fun.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very fun. I will say. I guess my intro to Norm was like the long joke that leads to the punchline. And I'm always like, actually, you're helping me uncover that. This hesitancy I feel for being all in for Norm goes back to being in high school. I had the same thing for Andy Kaufman where I was like, if you're lucky enough to be on tv, do it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's how I felt. I now understand that these are artists, they're doing it differently. But I would be going crazy. Like, why did you. Like, I didn't understand. It's like, tell the joke quickly and.

[Nick Thune]

Well, like, I'm like, why the SNL thing?

[Pete Holmes]

No, like, when he's on Conan and he's like, oh, there's a moth. And. And it takes 45 minutes.

[Nick Thune]

Well, the story behind that is kind of amazing as well.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Nick Thune]

That they went to commercial and they were like, we have seven minutes left. And. And Norm was like, okay. And he basically took a joke that shoot. Who told it to him? Somebody we know told it to him. Is the stupidest short joke and turned it into a seven minute Russian novel.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Like, all the characters and the names and all this stuff and just on the fly.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Nick Thune]

And. And so. Yeah, yeah. And it's so dumb. On fly. On.

[Pete Holmes]

Super dumb. That was super dumb, too. But, like, the joke is something like, what? Why do you come in? Oh.

[Nick Thune]

He goes, the light was on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. He's like, is there something wrong with you? He's like, no. What about that? No. Then why'd you come in? Because the light was on.

[Nick Thune]

But in it. Yeah. The parts that he adds, I looked at them. I looked in the mirror and I saw the same face that my father had. And, you know, he's like, going so deep into this father son relationship and his wife. I turn over and see her in bed, and I don't even recognize her anymore. Doc, you know, he's like. He's doing all of this. Yeah. It's just so. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, it's great.

[Nick Thune]

There's certain things, like there's something that you and I did that makes me laugh every time. There's two things that we did. One thing that we did that never really got out. It was like, out. John Doer made it. Remember that short film we made with Nathan Fielder in Montreal?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Where we were all, like, in a barn?

[Pete Holmes]

Was that a short film?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, it was a. It was like a short for an HBO Canada series. Yeah. It's on Vimeo.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay.

[Nick Thune]

And I've never tried to, like, post it before because I think it's so good. Yeah, it's really funny. You're super funny in it.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never seen it.

[Nick Thune]

And we're all trying to convince each other, like, we can't go out to get wood or look for help anyway. It's really, really funny. But the other thing that we made.

[Pete Holmes]

How do people find it? It's on Vimeo.

[Nick Thune]

I think it's on Vimeo. John Doerr.

[Pete Holmes]

John Doerr, out. Nick Thune, Thin Pete Holmes, out.

[Nick Thune]

I don't know. Out. Is it out?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I thought you said it was called out.

[Nick Thune]

No, I don't know what it's called. Okay, well, people will find it if they're good enough, if they're.

[Pete Holmes]

If they're worthy.

[Nick Thune]

It's like one of those cachet things, or. I don't know, what are those things around town that are like secret little things that people find?

[Pete Holmes]

Pokemon.

[Nick Thune]

It's kind of like that. But it's like people are like. Anyways, the other bit that we did was us on mushrooms. Yeah. That clip of you and me. I sometimes I watch that and it just makes me laugh because we're just. We are laughing so hard.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so free.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I tell that story all the time because people want to know if I've had a bad mushroom trip. And that actually was. I still remember how you looked. It was the worst situation. We won't do. I'm sure you did it. We were on in 2019. I'm sure we told the whole story, but, like, I was with you, who I knew fairly well. I mean.

[Nick Thune]

No, no, this was. We did this on your TV show.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, No, I know. No, I'm aware. And there was, like a video of it and everything, but, like. Anyway, the set and setting wasn't right. And I remember you looked like Christian Bale and the machinist. Like, you started turning into, like, an emaciated dead person. It was rough.

[Nick Thune]

Well, we took mushrooms two different ways.

[Pete Holmes]

You and I. Yeah. What do you mean?

[Nick Thune]

Well, you chopped it up in peanut butter, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And then you just took a big.

[Pete Holmes]

I just ate them.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And I just kind of took a quarter of it. Like, I'm just gonna take this slowly as we go. Oh, and that's a problem. You don't. You don't do that. I didn't know at the time. You're supposed to just do what everyone else is doing. I think so. That way, you guys, you're on the same page. You're in it. Yeah, Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember you left and went to the stor store.

[Nick Thune]

I went to 711 to get you bananas. Bananas.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And then I had to leave my car there because that's when it really hit me. I remember that I drove to 7 11. Wasn't too far away. It was about a mile. Yeah. And when I was in there, I was like, oh, I can't drive back.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa. And you walked back?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, I left my car. Yeah. We did a lot of walk. We did a lot of swimming and walking.

[Pete Holmes]

Swimming and walking. I remember. I. This is such. It feels like a different life. But I was. I knew I had Xanax and Harris Whittles, our beloved Harris, told me that if you're taking mushrooms and you're having a bad time to take a Xanax. So I poured the pills out into my hand. This is all legal, prescribed stuff, but there were also Ambien in there and, like, maybe some other supplements. Like, I was just using this bottle as a catch all. And I poured them in my hand, and it was this hand, and the hand looked like a football field. It was like a Ren and Stimpy. Like a. And I was, like, trying to pick up, like, the claw game. Which one of these is a Xana? It was pure horror. It sounds funny.

[Nick Thune]

Are you sure you got the Xanax?

[Pete Holmes]

I got it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I definitely did. I made sure but it was one of those. I did mushrooms recently and every time I do them since then I've been like, please don't do that. Because what that was was it kicked in immediately and went from 0 to 100 very fast. But the last time I took them, I, it was a tea and I, I was sipping it slowly over 30 minutes.

[Nick Thune]

You're also more control of your mind now. Like, at that point that we were, we were babies, we also didn't know like, we were. It seemed like a hit and miss sort of a thing. Like it could be good or bad, we don't know. Whereas, like now we're like, I think I can handle. I mean, I don't do it anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

But no, I'm with you. I mean, I do still do it occasionally. But like, I think the difference between me now and me then, one of the main differences is I have about. And this isn't cockiness. I can still get very overwhelmed in life or in mushrooms, who knows? But like, I have about 75, pretty great coping strategies. And when I was that age, I had none.

[Nick Thune]

And all those 75. Yeah, right. And I, I get that because I, I do. Like. Do you always remember to do them?

[Pete Holmes]

No, in fact, I never remembered to do them and then I remember to do them and then they work and, and. But every time, just to share one of them. I think the most powerful coping strategy for so many different situations is to say yes, thank you. Is to act like you like what's happening. Not even act like it, but like, really try to step into a place where you're like, this is what's happening. And I, I'm with it and I'm grateful for it. I'm not saying that would have pulled me out of that bad trip necessarily, but it wouldn't have hurt. Certainly wouldn't have hurt. But that works for like a bad mood or a bad situation, a delayed flight, traffic. And I always forget. And then when I go, yes, thank you. It always helps.

[Nick Thune]

It's so funny. Like, the coping mechanism, like, for me, like, when I do the. Tonight. I did the Tonight show recently. Every time I do that.

[Pete Holmes]

One of your nine times.

[Nick Thune]

I do. I don't know too. It's Leno and stuff, but. But yeah, that doesn't mean anything. It just, I don't know what it means.

[Pete Holmes]

But we call this chair the Leno because it's all denim.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, it's nice. But I finally realized what I, I listened to Toto Rosanna. Yeah, about 10 minutes before I go on every time before you go on stage? Before I do the Tonight Show.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, before you go on Tonight Show. Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Okay. Because I know that that song is gonna loosen me up. It's silly. It's so fun and, like, it's like, I have a great time. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That song is kind of like sneaking in in a funny way.

[Nick Thune]

There's like, six different songs in that song. I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

But yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That horn. I can't even sing it.

[Nick Thune]

And then it hits that.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd play it, but YouTube would flag us.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, couldn't. They might flag us for how on you were with the.

[Pete Holmes]

Be Too far Away. Great choice, by the way. I have certain songs like that. The Childish Gambino Sweatpants. I love that song. That really makes me feel happy. Oh, Chance the Rapper, Hot Shower. These are like, my go to. Like, it's gonna make you feel happy.

[Nick Thune]

Piece of My Heart by Irma Franklin.

[Pete Holmes]

Not Cher.

[Nick Thune]

No. Irma Franklin is the first one to do it. And Janis Joplin did it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Janice Joplin is.

[Nick Thune]

But Irma Franklin was Aretha Franklin's sister. And it is. It's a song. I come out on stage, too. It's. To me, it is the loosest. There's a line in it when you're out on the street looking good, and you know deep down in your heart that ain't right. What? I love that line.

[Pete Holmes]

What does she even mean?

[Nick Thune]

That she's talking about the scoundrel of a guy that's, like, taking every piece of her heart and, like, throwing it away. And this guy's just out on the town looking good, trying to.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And he knows it's not right.

[Pete Holmes]

He's cheating.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. He's just out there, and it's like, I love that idea of just being out looking good, but knowing it ain't right. Good.

[Pete Holmes]

This isn't good. No, you're right. You're right on.

[Nick Thune]

And then the end of it, you know, you got it if it makes you feel good. To me, that lyric is like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's good that you have, like a North Star.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like we do. I would just. So, Harlan Williams. We don't often do two episodes in a day, but when I do, it's dose Equis. But he just did the pod, and we were talking about how there's something, like, intuition is such an undervalued thing, and it's true. You know, you got it. When it makes you feel good, there's a certain attunement that you feel like it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like one of my. Well, anyway, Rupert Spiro, who I love very much, is like, teaches non. Duality. And it's like, how do you. He's all about experience. It's like, we should go to our experience. That's the first thing we should go to. And people often ask him, well, all we really know is our own experience. So why aren't we solipsists? Why don't we believe that it's just us. We're the only real consciousness. Everybody else's. Our dream or Truman show or, you know, it's. It's a figment of our imagination, but we're real. And he goes, because when I act that way, the. The world doesn't reward me with peace and happiness. This. It's like, you go ahead, treat the world like you're the only real thing. It doesn't. It doesn't work. It doesn't line up. You know, you don't got it because it doesn't make you feel good. And then when you treat people like we're all having a shared experience, it does feel good. It does reward you. It. It. It. Like, it's like circumstantial evidence. Like, oh, I think I'm on to something. It feels good.

[Nick Thune]

That's a. I had an Uber driver this week in Cincinnati who I was mad at before he picked me up.

[Pete Holmes]

Why?

[Nick Thune]

Because I ordered him the day before, and then he was like 20 minutes late, and this was at like 5am to get to the airport, you know? And it was like. It was like I was frustrated.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And then I got in the car and immediately decided before I said anything, who cares?

[Pete Holmes]

I like this. That's your. Yes. Thank you.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And I just sat there and then ended up this guy, he's older, he's just got over cancer. He's doing this to pay for his medical bills. It's like, well, what if I would have gotten in angry at a guy that is driving me to the airport to pay his medical bills for cancer?

[Pete Holmes]

Right, Right. And you made your flight, I'm assuming.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All worked out even if you didn't. But I'm just saying, like, yeah, ease up.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Be. Be compassionate.

[Nick Thune]

Did he break the rules? Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Uber promised me. They said, we got you.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, he let you down.

[Nick Thune]

He did. But also, it wasn't his fault either.

[Pete Holmes]

He.

[Nick Thune]

He even said he's like, I'm sorry I'm late. Uber, they don't know. They, you know, they let me take another ride, but they didn't know that it was gonna. I was gonna have to help the Guy with his groceries, which was gonna put me back, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow, this guy's being sweet in 12 different ways.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, and he's a vet.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, folks, let's talk about gut health. Because if you're like me, you've had those moments. You eat a big meal, you're feeling good, then chap how you're bloated, sluggish, and wondering why your pants suddenly don't love you. I've been there and I've thought, okay, maybe I need a detox. Maybe I need to cut out everything fun. But then I found something that actually works. Peaks Pure tea. I always say it weird because I want you to remember Pu erh, P U dash or apostrophe er Pu er T. I'm not kidding when I tell you this stuff changes the game. I start my mornings with green pu er. I gotta tell you, it's like flipping a switch. I get this calm, focus, energy that doesn't come with all the caffeine jitters or that dreaded afternoon crash. And after meals, black pu erh is my go to. It is smooth, earthy, and leaves me feeling light and balanced instead of like I just swallowed a brick or licked a car battery, you know, drinking too much caffeine. But here's the kicker. Pu' er tea isn't just tea. It's fermented, which means it's loaded with living probiotics and prebiotics that actually support your gut health, which is an amazing thing for your entire body. It's like a reset button for your microbiome, and the science backs it up. The antioxidants from this tea help with digestion and energy metabolism, even radiant skin. And yes, this is tea that makes you glow. Who knew? Let's talk about quality, because not all tea is created equal. Peak pu erh tea is wild harvested. It's triple toxin screened and dissolves instantly in hot or cold water, making it such an easy and pleasurable process to make instant gut healing magic fast and easy. Now, because you listen to this podcast, Pen is hooking you up with 20% off. For life? Yes, for life. Plus a free rechargeable frother and glass beaker when you grab their Puair bundle. This is an exclusive offer just for weirdos. And Peak backs it up with a 90 day money back guarantee so you can try it risk free. Go to peaklife.com weird to grab yours. Now that's peaklife.com weird. Your gut and your energy will thank you. How did you get to this wonderful new special which is called Nick Thune. Here I am, shoes and all.

[Nick Thune]

Born young. Here I am, shoes and all. You were searching for the title and then you saw my shoes.

[Pete Holmes]

You saw me see them.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Here I am, shoes and all. Born young.

[Nick Thune]

Born young.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a wonderful new special, Born Young, which I love you did something that I actually called. Considered doing in my special, which is these kind of like jump cuts or you do stylized cuts, which I thought was really cool. But apart from that, it's a wonderful set and awesome. How did you get with Nate to do that? Like, how did that come about?

[Nick Thune]

Well, Nate is just generous, you know, and he has gained. I mean, he's worked his ass off and now has this crazy fan, you know, I mean, he. Ever since I've known him, he's been touring like an animal non stop, you know, and really building and building and building. And now he wants to share, you know, the stuff that he likes with the people that like him, which I think is such a great thing, you know, like he was like, I just want to put your special out for my audience to see it, buddy. Like, I just want.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And I was like, that's great.

[Pete Holmes]

He put it on his page as well.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow. That's awesome. Yeah, it's incredible, man.

[Nick Thune]

It's a cool. It's. It's, you know, he's, he's just generous, which I think anybody in his position, all the guys like that are kind of making it, I think are doing that for people that they know and they like, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad that that's sort of the standard.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Bill Burr produced my last special and I wouldn't have gotten on Netflix without him.

[Nick Thune]

That's amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's really sweet, man. I'm glad to hear that. Yeah, I like Nate muches.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, he's funny, you know. Like, that's the thing about it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, isn't that great?

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And what's it like opening. What's that crowd like?

[Nick Thune]

Nuts. They're so good. I mean, because of the clean aspect, which, you know, my special is clean because he. That's part of the deal for him putting it out, which is great for me.

[Pete Holmes]

I like, he only does clean special.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And I. And his, his act is totally clean. And the audience because of that is from. You see 12 year old kids in the audience. Not a lot, but you see some up to grandparents.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Like multi, multi generational families coming together to see Nate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And all of them liking it for different reasons, for different, you know, whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And these people are just rooting on anybody that Nate is like, hey, see my friend? You know?

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Nick Thune]

And plus it's like, does he introduce you? No, no, he goes on at the end.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I just mean voice of God.

[Nick Thune]

No, no, no. But I think it's good. I think they're so excited to see him, you know. But also it's like once you get up, you're like, hey, I'm still. Still. And Nick here.

[Pete Holmes]

Hilarious. Close. And three letters.

[Nick Thune]

It's pretty insane this though, to, you know, like when you get to the point in a comedy club, they're like, let's add a show. That's cool. But when you get to the point in an arena where they're like, let's add a show. They're adding a 3pm show in an arena.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Nick Thune]

And then they're bringing out blowers to get the 7 o' clock show ready. Like they're walking down aisles with blowers.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what does that mean? I don't understand.

[Nick Thune]

Like leaf blowers cleaning out the aisles between the 3 o' clock and the 7 o'. Clock.

[Pete Holmes]

To clean it rapidly.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's amazing. I'm curious why. I think it's a great decision, but I'd like to know, I'd like to understand the reasoning for a 30 minute special. Is that just how YouTube is going?

[Nick Thune]

Well, just because I have a lot of material that, you know, I had like maybe two hours of material and I. Nate was like, I want it to be clean. I want it to be for my audience, all this stuff. And I thought, what a great way to just like, like make an ep. You know, like when a band is like, this isn't a full album, this is an ep. Yeah. And also with the idea that does it matter anymore?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I anticipate. I. I think it's very interesting. What your first part. And then I was anticipating you're going to say the second part. Well, Fitzsimmons just put out a YouTube and he was like, I wish I had done two 30s. And I'm editing my special right now. I don't know where it's going to land.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, should I do two 30s? I don't know. It seems to be algorithmically sound.

[Nick Thune]

Well, you put it out and people see it there. Or you put it on clips in your thing and people see it there. I mean, my manager's assistant, I gotta. This guy is like, save me as far as, like, social media goes, because he just is on me. He's like, you gotta post a joke. I'm like, oh, my God, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And he. His name's Steven. He's great. A little shout out for Steven. But he. One time he called me, he's like, hey, put up an old joke. Yeah, just post one from like forever ago. He's like, doesn't matter anymore. You can post a same joke every month if you want. And it's going to get a new field of views. And this isn't saying. This is me on stage you're watching and paying for. It's like, here's a free thing that I'm just trying to get out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you should use my guy. Shout out to Jake.

[Nick Thune]

Jake, Jake Rowert.

[Pete Holmes]

He does my social media as a couple other guys, a couple other people. And he's incredible. And he's a lot less. I've used, like, I used. I don't want to drag anybody. I use the company of that. Some of the big guys we know, and Jake is way better and like, half as much. You should definitely use them.

[Nick Thune]

Well, I just do it my own.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Do you like that? How's that working?

[Nick Thune]

It's hard. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You hate it?

[Nick Thune]

No, but I've learned a lot and it's gotten easier. Okay. And I would like to pay it out, but I'd rather have my son play on, like, a club soccer team than me. Like, have a. I see that.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, now, you didn't have to embarrass me.

[Nick Thune]

Well, no, you probably have more money than me. That's probably. Probably. The nice thing is that you've had a, you know, a TV show and everything, whereas I'm like, so.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, you've hit me twice in very sensitive spots. I love my son. And you have more money face.

[Nick Thune]

No, I want it. I don't care. I mean, I wish that I cared more about money. I think a lot of people in my life have said that to me. Like, tell me I wish he cared more about money.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just not.

[Nick Thune]

The only reason I think about it is I know that someday whatever I have collected will be his.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

So I should try and get as much for him as possible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

But as the time goes, it's like, I love being home. What's the best way to be home and live and you know, that he can play soccer and we can do things and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

I don't know. It's not like I'm noble or anything. It's just. I Don't think I never learned about money growing up. And so I was pretty bad with it until I made it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

And, like, I mean bad. Like, I didn't do taxes for five or six years.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Nick Thune]

And then owed, like, 60 grand to the government because I just was claiming exempt.

[Pete Holmes]

You just checked it with absolutely no authority to do.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, because I heard someone be like, hey, if you just do exempt, they won't take any taxes out. I was like, oh, that's cool. Bone and a penis. No problem. We're both thinking about bone.

[Pete Holmes]

My opponent of Venus was, if you're not home, who's going to teach your son that there's a bone in your penis? I think I. You know, I just want you to know I'm so with you. It's a huge sticking point is, like, our kids are growing up. We got to be around. And that's really important to me as well, so. I also think it's really beautiful. That's why. Well, this is dumb, but, like, I fly coach, and I'm in my mind, I'm like, yeah, I'd rather be. I'm six. Six. You're tall, too.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Rather deal with that pain. And it literally, at my age, is pain to, like, have Leela X, Y, or Z.

[Nick Thune]

But you're also going to get upgraded sometimes. Sometimes. But, you know, I do. I. I've always been the same way. It's like, anytime that I've flown first class and I've landed, I've been like, I could have done that, Coach.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, it's true.

[Nick Thune]

It wouldn't have been.

[Pete Holmes]

It wouldn't have been that bad.

[Nick Thune]

It would have looked cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, look at this cool. Big guy back here doesn't care about coach. No one thinks that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I. That's what I found is I actually thought I went through a big stint of flying first, and then when I went and coach, I was like, what are people gonna think? Nobody gives a shit, dude. Like, what are you talking about? Like, we. Well, you just said it. I thought people might be like, wow, man of the people. Now nobody. Nobody's thinking about you.

[Nick Thune]

Everyone's just thinking, God, I don't hope I don't have to sit next to that big guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. That looks like a seatbelt extender right there.

[Nick Thune]

I had a real. I had a real airplane interaction where I got on an AI.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what AI is, right? Airplane interaction.

[Nick Thune]

Airplane.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why there's all this buzz about AI.

[Nick Thune]

You know, what's new In AI is the guy that was sitting in my seat.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, this happens.

[Nick Thune]

White guy, dreadlocks, face tattoos. You know, I don't. I'm not getting into all the things with that.

[Pete Holmes]

This guy's post. Post Malone.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And he's sitting Gold's gym shirt. And he's sitting in my seat, which is a window.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna ask.

[Nick Thune]

And there was a skinny guy sitting next to him. And then the seat. Middle seat in the front row, row ahead of that was a big, bigger guy. And I go, hey, sorry. And he was asleep already. We're boarding the flight.

[Pete Holmes]

And I go, he knew he was up to.

[Nick Thune]

Can you wake that guy up? So this guy wakes him up, and I go, hey, you're in 10F. And he goes, oh, is this 10F? Oh, I mean, I guess I thought it was 9F. And I go, well, it's not like. I'm not gonna let you leave silence for me to say. I'll take 9F. Because now the way that you're doing this. I'm not into the way that you're doing this.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like the way you're doing this. Fake sleep. Strike one.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And then he goes, I mean, I was already asleep, and I turned, and there's people sitting in chairs, and I hate the like. And everybody cheered. But I look over at these people, and they were just like. And. And I just was like. I go, yeah, sorry, man. I'm. I'm 10F. I'd rather play by the rules. And he got up, and he went to 10 and went to nine next.

[Pete Holmes]

To a really big guy. That's what he was trying to avoid.

[Nick Thune]

Yes. And then. But the best part, this was the real kick in it.

[Pete Holmes]

I was already asleep. He said, I.

[Nick Thune]

When we. I love doing this. I love getting it off a plane and having Starbucks waiting for me with a mobile app.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, look, they're not a sponsor, but I'm way with you.

[Nick Thune]

It's. We're living the same life. Yeah. I mean, I want to buy Starbucks and grab it.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. I don't know why more people aren't stealing those, by the way. No, they're just.

[Nick Thune]

I mean, it's just.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just there, and they're waiting for someone to literally come up.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, I'm Nick. Yeah. Well, you don't even have to ask. What if this guy would have taken mine? But he was.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Nick Thune]

I thought I was there. I thought I was 10 fnick.

[Pete Holmes]

I was already drinking it.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. Yeah. But He. He's ahead of me. He's 9F. So he gets off first, and we're both walking to Starbucks, and I see him walk into the line. That's not good. It's not a good line. And I walked, and I made sure that he saw as I grabbed mine off the thing and walked out. And I was just like, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's how you do it.

[Nick Thune]

That's winning. That is.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it? Because we're both 45, but I don't think there's anything as sweet as ordering a Starbucks on the plane.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're looking for your gate, and.

[Nick Thune]

You'Re like, or in tsa.

[Pete Holmes]

In Nick. We're having the same.

[Nick Thune]

I like the idea of. I. I shot a video. I was like, one time, I was like, what if you walked up and you're like, hey, listen, I don't have a flight, but I do have a Starbucks waiting for me over at.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, okay, okay. You ever do it on the wrong one? I've been at Burbank, and I ordered. I thought was the Starbucks, but it was the one across the street. And I'm like. Like, somebody just got a free cortado.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. Oh, you get a cortado.

[Pete Holmes]

Ever since I figured out you could get a latte with less milk, that's all I've ever wanted.

[Nick Thune]

I just started doing that. That's my second drink of the day.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your first drink.

[Nick Thune]

A Red Eye.

[Pete Holmes]

That's coffee with an espresso in it. That's serious, bro. That's sober living right there.

[Nick Thune]

Feels good. Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a.

[Nick Thune]

So I quit nicotine, too.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. I know. I. You didn't have to tell me that. If you're drinking a Red Eye, tell me the four things you quit over the past 10 years. Like you're off something.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. He made it down the H, and now he's trying to get back up in a way that seems odd.

[Pete Holmes]

Nicotine, I'm also off. I've been off for over a year, and I used to kind of flap my gums a lot on this podcast about how it was benign and it was good, and it fights off Alzheimer's. I was like. It also makes you deeply chemically dependent on something that if you don't have, you become a complete piece of shit and you're miserable. And that dependency is not benign. It's like a fucking. Real fucking thing.

[Nick Thune]

I got off. I got. Got the norovirus.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me the. Oh, I know.

[Nick Thune]

The stomach flu, basically.

[Pete Holmes]

And it keeps coming back.

[Nick Thune]

It was just intense for weeks. And I just for three days didn't have any nicotine. And I thought, I'm gonna ride this out. But one of the things, the bonus that I, I realized is that Since I was 14, I've had nicotine of some kind. Cigarettes, chewing tobacco, indazin, whatever. There's always another thing. My wallet, my keys, my phone, buddy, my nicotine.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I just said. I mean, I, I'm, I'm hard agreeing with you. It's another thing. You need this other thing that is not.

[Nick Thune]

But just pockets though. Like even, even just the pocket.

[Pete Holmes]

Pocket space alone, it stung. The times I had been in my car and realized I didn't have nicotine and had to go back. That's not chill.

[Nick Thune]

Pull into a new place.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. Zinn is not a sin.

[Nick Thune]

It's not Zen.

[Pete Holmes]

Zin Zinn is not Zen. How about that?

[Nick Thune]

Not. It's not.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not chill.

[Nick Thune]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

It's another. I love coffee, but you can get coffee anywhere. Guess what they don't sell at airports? Nicotine.

[Nick Thune]

They don't. They used to.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't. I mean, I didn't know that, but I used to sell you the number one place you want nicotine gum is getting on a 12 hour flight. They don't sell it.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, you did the gum?

[Pete Holmes]

I did the gum. I love the gum.

[Nick Thune]

I thought about.

[Pete Holmes]

Lucy had 6 milligram gum.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, I've had the Lucy. Yeah. Snooze things or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Those are intense too, man.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, they make a weird milligram of though. They make like 12.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I used to do on the, on the pouches and that would rip into you. That's addict stuff too. I'm saying that as an addict.

[Nick Thune]

I mean, I just did twos and sixes, you know, like twos and sixes.

[Pete Holmes]

But a twelve. I mean, it's just too much.

[Nick Thune]

No, it's just too much.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you're off it. I did on a. On a lark too. I was on a Rupert Spire retreat and those things are like rehab. And I was like, all you do is meditate and chill. And I was.

[Nick Thune]

No talking or something or some talks.

[Pete Holmes]

And quite Q and A's and stuff. But I was like, oh, I haven't wanted nicotine. It's because all of my needs were being met. Like addiction has so much to do with your life. Like you've probably heard me say there's a million. But like they did two studies with Two sets of rats, one both had access to heroin. And the community of rats that had nothing to do other than heroin all did heroin all day. You know, there's food and stuff and they could have sex. But, like, the ones that had, like, rat utopia, where there was toys and areas and community and all this stuff, none of them, like, it was like, 2% of them did heroin. And it was. They saw the link between having your needs met, social needs, exercise needs, whatever it might be, would get them all. They didn't see the need for it.

[Nick Thune]

I wonder what the. That 2%, if that was like, the.

[Pete Holmes]

Those dudes just. That was the motley crew of the rats.

[Nick Thune]

That's just how they were born.

[Pete Holmes]

They loved it.

[Nick Thune]

They're like. That's like the me of rats.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Some people are just those rats. Yeah, you're the rats. Are you still. So Be Noodles.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, good. What if you weren't? Would all.

[Nick Thune]

Would I know?

[Pete Holmes]

You ever see somebody that you know is sober drinking at a bar and.

[Nick Thune]

You'Re like, I mean, I've been that guy. I've had to transition before.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, let me tell you, everyone hates it. Oh, I would have the worst feeling.

[Nick Thune]

When I did relapse my last, like, you know, 16 years ago when I started drinking again. I remember I relapsed alone in Vegas, and then I came back and was like, oh, how do I tell everyone? So I was like, you know, I was thinking about trying drinking again.

[Pete Holmes]

Like it didn't already happen.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. Everyone's like, really? You're thinking about it? Like, yeah, maybe get a margarita tonight. I don't know. Probably just one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yikes.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I remember, with full respect, right before Geraldo died that the line was usually like, just beer and wine. Just beer and wine. That was like, look, these are real diseases. So there's no flaw in his character. That's just like, a way of saying.

[Nick Thune]

Like, that's what he said. Just beer and wine.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That's what I heard that. But that's kind of like a classic. Like, I'm not gonna do the hard stuff.

[Nick Thune]

I remember that. That I filled in for him that weekend at. And at a club. Like, it was like, you know, the weekend he died. The weekend after he died.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow.

[Nick Thune]

The club he was doing, which was the Portland Helium, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow. Wow, he was so great. Yeah, he was so funny.

[Nick Thune]

I remember I watched him once. I. I did a college gig with him. I think Dan Levy was there, and Zach Galifianakis. It was, like, in Florida or North Carolina or something. And Greg was going last. It went, Dan, me, Zach, Greg. And Zach was murdering. And I remember watching Greg backstage and he was like, I'm even fucking here. Like, he was just like, I don't want to follow this. Yeah, it's too good. It's doing too good. You know, not like ang. Not like anything except just like, I am worthless compared to what's happening right now.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I don't want to praise that.

[Nick Thune]

And then he went out.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to praise that mentality, but it makes me feel seen. I've never been chill backstage. I think it's an attribute of greatness to be very uncomfortable watching someone else on a stage you're about to be on murdering.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you are just, like, gracious about it, there's a certain. There's a certain something missing in what you do. If you're just kind of like, wow, good for him. Like, I bet the funniest people are the ones that are just like, God damn it.

[Nick Thune]

Well, I have the feeling of. I had it this weekend. My opener was doing really well. And I thought for a second I was like, oh, God. Because he only has to do 20 now I gotta do an hour. It's harder.

[Pete Holmes]

Hot 20.

[Nick Thune]

But then I thought, this is good for business. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If it's.

[Nick Thune]

I had to make myself get there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Nick Thune]

Good for business.

[Pete Holmes]

If it's Matt who opens, does the show with me. Matt McCarthy is wonderful. I'll be like, this crowd's hot. It's amazing. But if I'm like, co headlining with Zach, I don't know. There's something about the situation you set up. Up.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Made me know I would be really uncomfortable with that too.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah, that was scary.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a tricky one. That's actually what it is.

[Nick Thune]

The Greg Giraldo one. But that was also a college that at that point would never go anywhere past that room, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Thune]

Whereas, like, now anything can go anywhere. Yeah. You know, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

So we're almost out of time. We have about 12 minutes left. Where are you on the meaning of life? You. We've had similar trajectories. And where's thunzes now on the meaning of life? What I mean by that? Let me be more clear. We're looking for. What I'm looking for is like, is there a God in your sobriety or in your life? Is there when we die, is it over? Is there a meaning? Do you have any framework or story or narrative or tradition tied to the Miracle of consciousness.

[Nick Thune]

I believe in God.

[Pete Holmes]

He just doesn't believe in me.

[Nick Thune]

Like, it sounded like you're confident he's unaware of me.

[Pete Holmes]

I was ready. He was what?

[Nick Thune]

He's unaware of me. At this point, I think I really do. And especially once you have a kid and you want it to be real, you know, I mean, sometimes I wonder what the difference between believing and just wanting to believe and if they are actually different, you know, like, because through Alcoholics Anonymous, which I really am so grateful for. And I love. I love that there's just a room of people I can go sit with and be like, yeah, not alone. You know, I wish everyone had that for themselves. Which could, you know, unfortunately, was what church was.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I was gonna say AA is. It's funny. Richard Rohr wrote a book called Swimming Underwater. I always mentioned this, but I loved it. And he talks about how AA is what the church is supposed to be.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because church is aa, minus the brokenness. So it's just like posturing that you're okay. Whereas AA is just. I've been shattered. I've been humbled and broken, and here I am, and I need help, and I need. I need.

[Nick Thune]

The problem. That's the problem with the church is when somebody says, I am shattered. And they go, ooh. We kind of. Of course, you know, like, if it's a pastor, you can't show weakness. No.

[Pete Holmes]

It's pageantry. And not all churches, but mine certainly was when my first wife obviously left me. I'm at church and I'm like, isn't this supposed to be where I get help? This guy who I really love, his name is Charles, who's like a associate pastor at the church. He just admitted it. He goes, unfortunately, the church isn't really good with disgrace and pain. And he's like, we do much. He meant as an apology.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, we need to work on this. Like, let me help you. But it was like, they're much better at, like, we're okay. Things are good, and let's be nice people. So. Yeah, I hear you.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah. And I mean, I had so many thoughts about church. Just, you know, the frustration of. I feel like this weekend there was somebody in the audience that was very Christian, like a pastor. I just got the feeling this guy. And I was talking. Trying to work out, talking about telling my son about sexual. And the reason was, is because somebody had told me that their older son had seen porn, probably told his younger. Their younger son, who's friends with my son. And so I should probably talk to my son. Like, I want to talk to him about porn before a friend at school does, if it hasn't already happened. You know? And I'm talking about this on stage, and I could just see the disapproval from this guy that I just was convinced was a pastor. And I'm like, are you. Like, I haven't said one swear word my whole set. I'm talking about wanting to tell my son about something that is dangerous for somebody that doesn't know what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nick Thune]

That is a. And. And you are just saying you can't talk about that. This is untalkable. And it's like, that's what I don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I. You couldn't. You're in my most sensitive spot.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, when did loving God become denying reality, denying everything that read the. The Bible, man. It's filled with doubt and pain, and I'm not even defending the Bible. I'm just saying, if that's where you're coming from.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're talking about a very human story about every human feeling. Talking about. Can I talk about Bathsheba and. And a king sending the guy that had sex with a woman to the front line so he would be murdered. Like, there's a million, you know, human gritty things in it. And again, Richard Rohrt, we've turned it into the religion of. Of being polite, being nice, not being a dirty, wicked boy. And I'm like, I can't handle that.

[Nick Thune]

I mean, I got shamed. And I. I know. I don't blame my parents for it, but I wasn't allowed to go to sex ed. Like, they wouldn't sign the paper that said, we are aware that our son's gonna learn about safe sex and all this stuff. So I had to go to the library. Yeah. I mean, seriously? Yeah, seriously. Yeah. So I had to go to the library and miss out on that. You know, I'll never know what the teacher did with that banana that I saw in there, but I have some ideas.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me tell you. It's not what you want. No, go ahead.

[Nick Thune]

No, but the shame that I felt from that. And then when I got caught masturbating, which wasn't, like, in the act, it was just, like, they found out that I was reading this verse. To me, that was a. I don't even know where it is in the Bible. I always say Leviticus, but it's like, Onan, as the gardener, was on his way to the garden, he accidentally spilt Some of his seed on the path and he was ashamed.

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually Onan. I, I can't stand the Onan example. It's, it's Christians or whoever grasping at stress trying to find something in the Bible that says don't masturbate. And what it actually is is that Onan's brother died. I can't believe I know this. Died in battle. And the law of the time was that if your brother, if you have a brother and that, that brother is to give you a son.

[Nick Thune]

Hand job.

[Pete Holmes]

A hand job. He's to white lotus you. No, if, if a guy dies in battle and he has a brother, it's that brother's duty to impregnate the widow. So that's as close as we can get to continuing his bloodline. And that brother was named Onan. And Onan, before he would climax, would pull out and spill his seed. It's not a gardener. The line is spill his seed, meaning he'd come on the ground or whatever and not impregnate the woman. So it's not about masturbation at all. It's just as best we could do to be like, see, it says don't jerk off.

[Nick Thune]

He was having sex for pleasure.

[Pete Holmes]

He. No, he wasn't obliging his duty to give his dead brother a son. It's way. It couldn't be more far afield from jerking off.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

He was pulling out and not impregnating her.

[Nick Thune]

Her.

[Pete Holmes]

Like come on guys, the sins, so, so called sins of the body, pooping coming, all of that stuff.

[Nick Thune]

Sin.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I just mean like we're, we have such body shame that those become the hot sins. And, and it, it couldn't be less vital to the narrative, I would say.

[Nick Thune]

And I would hate for my son to grow up with any fear of any of that. You know, and that's. I did and I think, you know, made me who I am or whatever. But I would like to avoid that. And the idea of trying to work out on stage, the idea of trying to avoid that and people being like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, I can't. I'm going to apologize on behalf of who knows who. But I'm sorry you went through that because I can't stand it. It really bugs me. And for what it's worth, I'm like ultimate reality is as involved in you talking to your son about pornography as it is involved in praying in a cathedral. It's. It saturates everything and every. Everyone. And yeah, that's, it's a beautiful and.

[Nick Thune]

Fine thing out of that conversation with him at the end, I go, anything in there that you related to? I mean, this is like going from armpit hair to filming sex, you know, puberty to sex. And he goes, morning Wood. Which was just an aside that I made. At some point, you wake up in the morning, it's called Morning Wood.

[Pete Holmes]

Or in Britain, Morning Glory.

[Nick Thune]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What's the story? Morning Glory.

[Nick Thune]

No, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

It's about getting boners in the morning.

[Nick Thune]

That song.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know if that's what that.

[Nick Thune]

Song, but that's because I was like Oasis on another level, to be honest.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a low level, but it's like a diving board.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nick Thune, I could talk to you for nine years. I have to go.

[Nick Thune]

Great.

[Pete Holmes]

And you, you also have to.

[Nick Thune]

I think I'll tag along.

[Pete Holmes]

You have to leave this area as well. We're going to lock this area.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, I'll tag along with you. No problem.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell people. In closing, tell people what your voicemail greeting says.

[Nick Thune]

Please.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a joke from the special. It's so funny. You need to watch it. It's called Nick Th. Here I am, shoes and all. It's called Born Young and Do you mind?

[Nick Thune]

I just call my phone and it says, hey, it's Nick. Give me a call back when you get this. And it really hits the spot. I mean, it's never done me wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

It's great. It's. For the next 45 minutes. They're confused as to who called who.

[Nick Thune]

Yeah, it's great.

[Pete Holmes]

Would you say. Thank you, everybody. Check out this special. Nick Dune, obviously one of the funniest people alive. Would you say keep it crispy? It's your third. Keep it crispy.

[Nick Thune]

I. I genuinely hope that everyone keeps it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

You. Nice. I loved it. I love you.

[Nick Thune]

Hey, I love you too.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks for being here. I liked it.