Paul Chowdhry

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes — Paul Chowdhry (March 18, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this fast-paced, laughter-filled episode, Pete Holmes welcomes acclaimed British stand-up comedian Paul Chowdhry for a riff-heavy, cross-cultural chat. The two delve into comedy’s weirdness, British versus American styles, performing in massive venues, cancel culture, language quirks, and more, peppered with inside-baseball comedy anecdotes and playful roast-style banter. Whether they’re exchanging stories about colonoscopies, the realities of touring, or riffing on UK vs. US slang, the rapport is warm and sharp-witted. Both grapple with boundaries in comedy today and offer sincere, funny reflections on what it means to be an international performer.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Getting Comfortable

[04:00]

• Paul is surprised to learn the recording has already started, appreciating the casual, organic vibe.
• Pete and Paul riff about podcast logistics, pranks, and in-studio habits.
• Pete: “I like the way you move the pillows. It tells.”
• Discussion of phone etiquette, referencing Jaleel White (“Family Matters”).

2. Age, Presence, Heritage, and British-American Differences

[06:28]

• Paul reveals he’s 51 and jokes about “bruv” slang, British aging, and compliments Pete’s youthful look.
• They share playful banter about being tall in the UK, vegetarianism/veganism, and cultural expectations.
• “Brown doesn’t frown” — a failed attempt at coining a version of ‘Black don’t crack’.
• Pete: “You’re like a paperweight because you’re a man of confidence.”

3. On Faith, Upbringing, and Sikh Roots

[10:42]

• Discussion of religious backgrounds, with Paul noting he was born into a Sikh family but that “nobody’s born a religion.”
• Playful misunderstandings about Sikh symbols (knife vs. sword).
• Transition into London’s “knife crime epidemic” [12:12], discussing UK’s lack of guns resulting in knife-related crimes, "shank you up, bruv,” and criminal lingo.

4. Words, Slang & Cross-Cultural Comedy

[15:01]

• Exploration of UK/US slang: “queue” vs. “line,” “council estate” vs. “projects,” “crisps” vs. “chips,” etc.
• Discussion on navigating idioms, especially for international touring.
• Pete shares that certain British-isms are fine in LA; audiences enjoy “queue,” “torch,” “lorry,” etc., but warns about more obscure references.

5. Comedy Industry Backstage: Bookings, Headliner Customs, Diversity

[22:34]

• Paul recounts performing at LA clubs in the 2000s, the open mic system, “Chocolate Sundays,” and how comics were categorized by clubs (“can’t have two women…”).
• Pete observes: “Comedy clubs are like show business at the time of Sherlock Holmes… somehow 1902” [22:55].
• They discuss the tradition of British headliners performing first and American multi-opener lineups.
• Paul: “I’ll go first, have an intermission, and then I’ll go next. There’s nobody else there. It’s just me. Two hours.” [25:11]

6. British Comedy: Teeth, Class, and National Attitudes

[28:06]

• Myth of British “bad teeth” explored humorously, tying in The Beatles and pop culture stereotypes.
• “Once you have a certain amount of money, you’re not British. You’re rich.” [29:27]

7. Making Puns and Niche References Work

[30:24]

• Discussion of British fondness for puns vs. American aversion (“Americans want to seem smart — a pun is for everybody.”)
• Paul notes: “Black crowds, they don’t like puns. They like Big Pun.” [31:40]

8. Cancel Culture, Scandal, and Comedy Careers

[42:00 & beyond]

• They riff on comedians who are “canceled” and yet perform in massive venues.
• Pete: “I’ll be in a town happy to sell 350 seats, then drive past the international palace of superstardomanity… someone scandalizing and still grooming, and they’ll be in a 22,000 seat theater.” [43:41]
• Discussion on etiquette of removing episodes with controversial guests.

9. Large Venue Stand-Up — Glamor vs. Quality

[74:07]

• Honest talk about playing to thousands (“10,000 people... not very good though, is it?”)
• Paul: “You say something and a couple seconds later it hits the back of the room and the laugh comes back to you.”
• Both agree arenas dilute the intimacy and connection of stand-up.

10. Social Boundaries, Slurs, and Working Across Cultures

[67:41]

• Discussion of slurs specific to UK and US, racial and ethnic sensitivities, and reclaiming derogatory language.
• Pete and Paul explore how some slurs don’t cross the Atlantic, and the different dynamics of multicultural comedy audiences.

11. Royal Family, Colonialism, and UK Social Structure

[92:06]

• Jokes about the royal family, “The Crown,” colonization, class system, and the British legacy.
• Paul offers a pointed joke about “council house” family murder: “Do you know what the show’s called? The Crown.” [92:50]
• Conversation on post-colonial tensions, partition, and inherited British-Indian identity.

12. Advice on Touring and Final Reflections

[97:09]

• Pete asks Paul for advice on performing in London.
• Paul: “You have to be rougher with them… show them you don’t give a fuck. Somebody’s gonna yell, ‘Oi! Your shit, mate!’” [99:01]
• Cultural translation: “Holiday” vs. “vacation,” “fanny pack” vs. “minge,” and words that have vastly different meanings in US/UK English.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

On Comedy and Touring

• Pete: “Standup is this wonderful attunement between the audience and the performer.” [76:46]
• Paul: “If it’s funny, it’s money.” [48:01]
• Pete: “Once you have a certain amount of money, you’re not British anymore. You’re rich.” [29:29]

On Cancel Culture

• Pete: “No one was cancelled. That’s not entirely true. Some were.” [96:29]
• Paul: “[Cancellation is] very good for your career.” [42:08]

On Cross-Cultural Success

• Pete: “You don’t realize how much of a star you are in England.” [18:21]
• Paul: “I’d become your promoter. I’ll take 35%.”

Riffing on Language & Slang

• Pete: “What are you sneaking, a landline?” — on phone bits in stand-up. [05:00]
• Paul: “Brown doesn’t frown. That’s the closest I could get.” [09:02]
• On “queue”: “If I said, ‘Form a queue,’ everybody would know.” [20:11]
• Cockney rhyming slang: Pete riffs on “Britney Spears” = beers, “Pete Holmes” = go home.

Reflecting on Britishness & Class

• Pete: “Holmes is an English name that means owned a home. That’s how cool it was to own a home.” [71:48]
• Paul: “We have middle classes. How quaint.” [101:50]

Jokes About Notoriety and Scandal

• Pete: “What a scam if I made you do the podcast first and then got you arrested.” [96:43]
• Paul: “If you say cunt, just know you just dropped Thor’s hammer.” [67:05]
• On Michael Jackson: Pete: “Michael Jackson’s pronouns were he, he.” [50:24]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Starting the show, riffs on podcasting — [04:00]
• Age, presence, British slanguage — [06:28]
• Faith and Sikh upbringing — [10:42]
• Knife crime and London gangs — [12:12]
• British vs. American comedy, club systems — [22:34]
• Large venue vs. intimate standup — [74:07]
• Cancel culture, scandal, comedians — [42:00], [43:41]
• Class, the Royal family, colonialism — [92:06]
• Advice for American comics in the UK — [97:09]
• End riff, language quirks (“holiday,” “fanny pack,” “minge”) — [99:47]

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Memorable Closing Exchange

• Pete: “We have the guests say ‘keep it crispy’ to end. It’s not a trap.”
• Paul (in American accent): “Keep it crispy.”
• “You’ve got big dick energy.” [105:34]

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Tone & Style

• The tone is irreverent, witty, and conversationally intimate, with both comics riffing freely and satirizing themselves and their respective cultures.
• Paul is dry and understated; Pete is playful and enthusiastic. They blend sincere insider talk about comedy with plenty of meta-commentary about riffing, cancel culture, and the changing landscape of comedy across the Atlantic.

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Takeaways for New Listeners

• Expect quick back-and-forth, constant riffing on words, culture, and self-awareness about comedy’s limits and potential.
• The episode is both a comedic diagnostics session on cross-cultural performance and a masterclass in how to stay funny while talking about what’s “cancelable”—with humility, openness, and heaps of mutual respect.
• Beneath the laughs are genuine reflections on what makes stand-up endure, even as the world (and its language) shifts beneath comedians’ feet.

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If you love comedy shop talk, British/American contrasts, and meta-riffing about life on stage, this is a must-listen episode.

Transcript

[Paul Chowdhury]

You made it with. You made it with. You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah, you made it with.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yes you did.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is Paul Chowdhury who I had the pleasure of spending about an hour and a half, two hours. It was awesome. It was such a privilege. He's so funny. Charming. I'll say charming. Well dressed and he's a sensation. You, you, you need to check him out. Paul Chowdhury. C H O W d h r y.com if you're not familiar, you can find all four of his specials there, you can find his tour dates there and you're about to spend a good amount of time laughing with me and Paul. So I'm so glad you are here. He is British. We cover a lot of British stuff. It's a lot of fun. I have a couple things to plug up top as well. My new special silly silly fun boy is going to be available on YouTube. It's a website on March 24th YouTube.com you can also pre watch it. If you don't want to wait until March 24th, you can go to 800 pound gorilla's website and pay. I think you choose what you want to pay and then you can watch it ahead of time. Like Radiohead radio, remember in rainbows style where you name your price. A lot of people compare me to radiohead but 800 pound gorilla, their website has it. Or you can wait until March 24th and watch it on YouTube.com also. My children's book spells to cast on your parents, which I'm really, really proud of. My daughter loves it, I made it for her and she, I would read her this like mock up of the book and we loved it so much we, we made a real one. It spells. So the kids are encouraged to read like it's kind of sleeper teaching them to read, but it's also just like encouraging the parents and the kids to have like a very silly, fun, goofy, playful time where the kid is in charge. But within reason because I'm a parent too, it's not like I want to do anything too nuts, but I want the kid laughing and that's. And I'm very proud of it. So it's called spells to cast on your parents pre orders they tell me really help. So if you're thinking you might get it when it comes out in a couple months, few months, order it now. It would really help me out on whatever, whatever shopping website you use. I don't know, I use a lot of ones A lot of different ones, but spells to cast on your parents and petehomes.com for all my tour dates. I'm not even gonna list them, so all my tour dates, they're all on there. This hour is great. That's too much of an intro. This is too much intro for me. So glad you're here. Paul Choudhary. Get into it. You Made It Weird is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds because Progressive offers discounts for paying in full, owning a home and more. Plus, you can count on their great customer service to help you out when you need it. So your dollar goes a long way. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save on car insurance, Progressive Casualty Insurance company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfuss.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me, the show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor and their hard earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter

[Paul Chowdhury]

and definitely more inspired.

[Pete Holmes]

And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on it all.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Wiser Than Me from Lemonada Media is

[Pete Holmes]

out now wherever you get your podcasts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Are we on at the moment?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, we already started.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that okay?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, this is. I like that. It's just straight in.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not supposed to be a prank. I actually hate pranks.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Like I was waiting for the producer to say, are you guys ready?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, Paul. I usually say on the way in, hey, just when you know, you'll come in and we'll just record. Yeah, because I like the way you put your bag down. Not just that specifically, but I like the way you move the pillows. I like it tells.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm a pillow mover.

[Pete Holmes]

I like the way you're putting your phone on who just did the show that their phone was ringing the whole time? It was. I remember Jaleel White, remember from Family. Did you watch Family Matters? Did that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, we had that.

[Pete Holmes]

You had that very. Yeah, I believe Jaleel's phone was going. Sometimes I'm ignoring a phone. No, no disrespect.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And the phone was just ringing and nobody just.

[Pete Holmes]

Some people just aren't sensitive to that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, people aren't sensitive to it. Normally the person whose phone is ringing everyone else. What about when it happens in A show, and they just ignore it. And then you're trying to do a bit.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean a full ring?

[Paul Chowdhury]

A full ring. And then you have to work out where it's coming from.

[Pete Holmes]

Can we all agree that it's. What is the word? It's like a com. Anyone can use it if somebody has their ring. Ring phone. The riff is, what did you bring in a landline? That's. That's just what we say. It's just. It's the new. Put that anywhere. Remember if a waitress would drop something, you say, put that anywhere. If somebody has the. You just go, what are you sneaking a landline? It murders. We love it. Look, we all just want to move on. I'm doing a bit. You know what I'm saying?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm taking that bit back to London.

[Pete Holmes]

You may have it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, I'll take it to the uk.

[Pete Holmes]

Speaking of which. So on the way in, first of all, welcome to the show. You look really. Can I say fly? Can a guy this white say fly?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm an honor. A son on a. I'm a much older man than you.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, you ended the 1970s.

[Pete Holmes]

Well done.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I've done points. Got to do research on British. You know, you gotta look at.

[Pete Holmes]

I research the host when I do a podcast.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Do you.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know where you're walking? Well, I. Sometimes I don't. And you. And you didn't research. Well, it wasn't. It's not that scandalous. But I did the George Janko podcast, and you can watch like, three minutes, and I go, wait, are you guys Christian? And George is a very big evangelical, I believe, and I just didn't know what I was getting into. And since then, I was. I've redoubled my efforts to be, like, know a little bit about what you're doing.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But you were going to be. I still would point.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. I still would have done it. I just like to know. You know what I mean? I might have offended or just been weird. I would. I would have gone in with a different vibe, maybe.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Are you a man of God?

[Pete Holmes]

I. What do you. I mean, we usually.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You are a creation of God. I'm not disputing that, but

[Pete Holmes]

I am. Yeah. Oh, God, I hate what I'm about to say, but I am very spiritual. But I'm not religious and I apologize.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think this podcast is done.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we done?

[Paul Chowdhury]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

What if you refuse? You only talk to the devout now, first of all, let's slow down. Just because. How old are you?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm 51, bro. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Bruv, may I?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Bruv, you can bruv me. I mean, I. Bruv, I'm not that part of London, but.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but I brought.

[Paul Chowdhury]

How do you know about the. Bruv, I.

[Pete Holmes]

Attack the block, bruv. You didn't you see the movie Attack the Block?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, Attack the Block. You watched it?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I haven't seen it, but I know the film.

[Pete Holmes]

They all said, bruv, they also brought. And we all watched it and we

[Paul Chowdhury]

all were like, it was a big film in America.

[Pete Holmes]

I was. It.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I don't know. I didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

It wasn't. I. You know why I'm adamant about that is because I want you to know that I'm cool, that I see, like, cool movies.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, you're a young man. You are cool. So 46, you're still a young man to me. That's five years, half a decade.

[Pete Holmes]

Colonoscopy, not yet. Vegetarian. Not to assume. I know you're British.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, you're. I know you're a vegan.

[Pete Holmes]

Ish. More veggie.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Vegan. Ish. So you're like a Hindu almost.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. In the.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Like a casual Hindu.

[Pete Holmes]

I go like this. This is not what I eat. I mean, once I had a baby, there was a lot of pizza going around.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So vegan went out the window.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But I don't eat meat. And I just got a colonoscopy and I'll tell you, Katie's vegan.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What's it like?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a victory lap. If you're a vegan and you got a colonoscopy, that's like your America's Got Talent. You get to show up and just be like, check it out, they're running their. It squeaks like a basketball floor.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What do they do?

[Pete Holmes]

Your colon is amazing. If not, they're like. Meat is like up colons.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Really.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just. I'm not saying it's going to make you sick necessarily, but if you have. I don't even like the word, but if you have stuff going on in there, it's. It's for me. And they'll tell you that. No agenda. They'll just be like, if you eat a lot of meat, we're going to be taking some stuff out while we're in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So this would happen. Yeah, I do now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm just. I know you're going to get. I'm going to get a lot of phobias in America now because you guys don't like anything.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're in California too. This is like.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is facelifts. I'm going to have to change my nose.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you look great. I'm trying to make a joke about brown doesn't. Black doesn't crack, but brown doesn't. What does brown. Brown doesn't frown. Is that what it is?

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's the closest I could get to it. When I tried to write a joke on it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

20 years ago. I thought that's.

[Pete Holmes]

How about this?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Then I never did it.

[Pete Holmes]

Brown looks fabulous.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It doesn't rhyme.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. But it's still. I'm just trying to tell you you look great. But your family are very 38. You have. You have a gravitas, though. That's why I'm like. I believe that you're 50. Whatever you just said. Because you feel it's my presence. Presence. This is another compliment.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I appreciate that.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not gonna lump it into your heritage. This is Paul.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I appreciate that you feel I have presence in this.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like a paperweight because you're.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You're a man of confidence. And you're a six. I didn't realize you were six foot six. Nobody knows that until they meet you.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I'm as tall as a door.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's too.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Not in England. You probably wouldn't fit through doors. They're very much smaller.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, right. Because everything's real old.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. Old and small.

[Pete Holmes]

I hit my head.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But most of it got blown up and by Hitler in the second World War.

[Pete Holmes]

Quite a bit. Those. Those lines with the holes in them.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But you would have problems in England.

[Pete Holmes]

I never noticed that because I just feel that way everywhere. Airplanes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You look like the right size of a man to be considered tall. You know, Not a short man. But I bet you're okay in most chairs. Cars.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I like this chair, but I think you expected me to be a lot bigger than I was.

[Pete Holmes]

We did have this flown in. No. This chair. Yeah. I'm just a little bit out of sorts in most places. First class seat is just a regular ass. Seat.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Seat for you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just a seat.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Even if you lie down.

[Pete Holmes]

Bro. So are you a man of God? I'll jump right into that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I believe I'm actually. I was born a Sikh. Right. So. Well, I wasn't born a Sikh. Because you. Yeah. Your parents tell you people say you were born a religion, but nobody's born a religion. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

A ladybug doesn't know it's Italian.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And did your dad carry a knife? Big about service, big beard, with escort,

[Paul Chowdhury]

which is a sword.

[Pete Holmes]

Sword. No, I wasn't even joking. I thought Sikhs carried knives.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, no, it's a sword they carry.

[Pete Holmes]

But then is it a sword?

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's a sword.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know that. That sounds like a bad crowd work. Does your dad carry a sw. I mean, it, like, seeks are big on service and swords. For most of history, something sharp was an iPhone. Yeah, that was the iPhone for thousands of years. Was a knife.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You could make calls on it. You could WhatsApp. It was the original blueberry.

[Pete Holmes]

You could poke somebody.

[Paul Chowdhury]

BlackBerry. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I like Blueberry more for some reason. I don't know why.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Poking somebody was Facebook.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but I was hoping we'd both just let it go by.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I should have let that go.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, I'm glad this is us figuring each other out, because in the best way, I'm glad we didn't let it go by. Poking was the best I could do.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That was flirtation. Original flirtation online.

[Pete Holmes]

Showing a knife.

[Paul Chowdhury]

No, poking. Yeah, showing a knife doesn't tend to work with women too much.

[Pete Holmes]

But in. I'm saying, 500 years ago, like, real talk, if you had a nice knife.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Showed that you had money. It showed that you could, like, keep something clean that's small and pokey.

[Paul Chowdhury]

See, we have a big knife crying epidemic in England.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, because there's no. Because there's no guns.

[Pete Holmes]

So stop or y'. All. Or I'll yell stop again.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So we go close up and then they. They shank you up. They call it they shank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, we have shank. I think you got that from us.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But the shank is the name of. But they shank you up is the term.

[Pete Holmes]

Shank you up.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm going to shank you up, bruv. So now we've.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna shank you up, bruv.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Bruv is generally the term they'll use.

[Pete Holmes]

Give me your fun terms for money.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, now in London, they have gangs on electric bikes who snatch your mobile

[Pete Holmes]

phones while you're using them.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Really? Yeah, kind of.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Respect.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, like.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And then it gets sent to third. Well, foreign countries. You can't say third.

[Pete Holmes]

The phone does.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The phone gets sent somewhere else. So it's a gang. Organized crime units who organize.

[Pete Holmes]

They.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They send these phones over to, like, Nigeria and other countries to. To use as parts or probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay. Not to. I don't know why. It was, like, really nefarious. When you watch people that, like, steal phones professionally and, like, know how to immediately recalibrate it to their face and then drain your crypto. Like, they know every app that might have money in it. Go to Amazon, buy it. But all that stuff that gives me the willies. Like, it's not as like, we, like, obviously we don't like criminals, but, like, we like stories about criminals, but we don't really like that. It's just too. It gives you the heebie jeebies. Like stealing somebody's diary or something.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Exactly. So. But they do it. It is my diaries world. Yeah, we. Diary, as in, I know you don't like the private log Diary.

[Pete Holmes]

Private log that you write.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Hello, diary. I would like to talk about their personal issues.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you call a diary? Journal.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, we call it a diary.

[Pete Holmes]

You do call it a diary.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm gonna put something into my calendar. Would you call it. Because obviously the iPhone is.

[Pete Holmes]

But diary of a CEO means the schedule of a CEO. Right. It doesn't mean the diary doesn't mean the diary, but we think it means.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's a podcast that's also a podcast. British podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

British love that podcast. But I thought it meant, like, let's get into the private Bartlett thoughts. Stephen.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Stephen Bartlett.

[Pete Holmes]

Stephen, Bruv Bartlett.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Stephen the Bruv Bartlett.

[Pete Holmes]

Stephen the Bruv Bartlett. Dreamy eyes. Eye Pencil X rapper. Is he.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, he. I think he tried it. Didn't work out. Started a podcast. Most people doesn't. Things don't work out. Start a podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Facts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

No offense, bruv.

[Pete Holmes]

What if credits are all. We've never had credits, but they just start rolling.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I miss credits.

[Pete Holmes]

I miss. I don't. I don't like that. It minimizes into the little screen. I'll go up, reselect it. Yeah, I want to see the credits. Sometimes it'll do it during the tag of a sitcom, you know, like the little blow or the little laughter beat.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Or if you stream. Would you like to see. And it's covered the credits and, like, I want to read who the gaffer

[Pete Holmes]

was and I'd like to see who the assistant to Mr. Giamatti was. Yeah, I'd also like. And I'm not just saying this because you're British, but at the end of, like, the Office or Extras, there's always a little moment. It's after the credits. Got to stay around for those. Might just be the janitor cleaning up. But it's. It's. It's tonal.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's still something that was shot that Took time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And it's. Stephen Merchant's father played the Janitor.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Facts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I used to gig with Stephen Merchant back in the day.

[Pete Holmes]

Really bad. Or is he just skinny? Am I taller than he's.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You.

[Pete Holmes]

He's taller than me.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's a bit taller, I think. Six, nine, six, eight.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm fascinated. And I would. I think hello, ladies, was great, but I really think it's interesting. Seinfeld and Larry David, Ricky and Steven. You know what I mean? I think it's really interesting. And I. I've had friends that had shows that didn't work, and they were brilliant, and it was like they would say, I do. I couldn't find my Larry David or I couldn't find my Stephen Merchant. And, like, it's. And I, I. I've been okay with stuff that Ricky's done without Stephen, but it doesn't have the same flavor, obviously. Why would it. You're missing this sort of ingredient.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Laurel didn't work without Hardy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Facts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I see what you mean. Like, I may have found my Larry David today.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you? Who, me?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even though I said. I was just gonna say. Even though I said, bruv, I kind

[Paul Chowdhury]

of feel at home now you've made me feel at home.

[Pete Holmes]

Attack the block, bro.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You might steal my phone.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, a block is what you call a project here.

[Paul Chowdhury]

A project? Yeah, yeah. Blow a block.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, a block mobile.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna take your mobile.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They originally called it a council estate.

[Pete Holmes]

Council estate?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That sounds like a gate opens up and there's rolling hills.

[Paul Chowdhury]

When Margaret Thatcher created council estates, she called it that.

[Pete Holmes]

That is what a very toity. Toity.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, toity.

[Pete Holmes]

Very sort of rich, privileged woman would be like, what should we call the project? I don't know. Council estate accounts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The state. And then it became the block is what the. The youth uses terminology.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The kids.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The kids, the utes, they call them.

[Pete Holmes]

What are they? What are the real talk. Maybe this could be helpful.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because when I even go to Canada, which is just America's hat, jk, you go up there, and sometimes you got to know, like, just so you know, this isn't called this. What. What are some. Because your tour starts in America today.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Today.

[Pete Holmes]

And I really am, first of all, touched that you did this. I. I hope you're feeling good about the tour, but I know you won't feel quite right until you break the seal.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

So thank you for being here, and if there's any. Any translation I could help with, because if I went to London, I would be very aware of, like, well, you've done London, right? I haven't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You haven't done London.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I haven't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And I'm just like, I need to promote. You in London would love it. I would become your promoter.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's do it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I will take 35%.

[Pete Holmes]

I've negotiated to 30. Still a terrible deal. 30. And you're like.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You cover your own flats and accommodation.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course. I'll stay in a beautiful.

[Paul Chowdhury]

My house.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. I was trying to remember what to call it. Council estate.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Council estate.

[Pete Holmes]

I tell you. My family. I found us the best council estate.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Which is my house.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is your house, of course, I'm assuming.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And then we'll put you on the biggest venues in the. In the country. Oh, because you're a big star. You don't realize how much of a star you are in England.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm just saying. I'm saying this is you to sell

[Pete Holmes]

me to do this.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm trying to be American.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I like this.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You know.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're. You're. You've been in California for 20 minutes and you're already overly encouraging people.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But you are one of the biggest.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a brand. People go, you know how they say, let's go get some Britney Spears? They say, get some Pete Holmes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, Pete Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

And that means chicken bones.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's go eat some chickens.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's cockney rhyming slang almost, that is. But, you know, up on a pair of stairs. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Britney Spears. Couple beers.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Couple of beers.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete Helms. Let's go home. It's very close to what it is. All right. I'm gonna slag off Pete Holmes. Why haven't. Terrible. I'm loving this vibe, Pete.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Homeboy.

[Pete Holmes]

Great, Pete. Homeboy. But in la, Holmes is used a lot as instead of Homeboy Holmes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, is it? Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

According to movies.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yo, what's up, homes?

[Pete Holmes]

People love doing that. I get that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They use. I get chowds.

[Pete Holmes]

Chowds.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

At least you're the only one. I'm like, I don't want to be another homes. I want to be Peter Holmes. Yeah. Chad's is good chowd. Sounds like a delicious hearty soup.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, it does clam like a clam chowder.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. New England.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So give me one that you're trying to. Unless you're not. Maybe you're not really worried about anything. Translating.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I had a joke. I remember in the last. I did a small tour last year, and I did. I talked about cues, the queuing system in England, which Is a line.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So I did a whole bit on cues.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And nobody. And I thought, oh, why is people. Why aren't they going with this bit? This. These kills. And. And then I. I would.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. For what it's worth, I feel like most people that are going to see you will know what a queue is. Because if I said guys, form a queue.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody would know. I. It depends. Katie, where do you stand on Q? QAnon. I'm just kidding. We all know. I feel like in la, hip city, British guy says Q, you'll be fine.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Like a Q. U, E, U, E. Of course. Yeah. I'm not that this routine as part of this tour.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but what is the one that you're worried about? Unless you don't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So now what I'm more worried about, I think I. I did a little run at the Comedy Cellar a few months ago.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw.

[Paul Chowdhury]

A couple of weeks.

[Pete Holmes]

You saw that they brought you up to sitar music.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, they. Yeah, this is. Bro, it was actually the Rolling Stones.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But you know, right. You got to play with.

[Pete Holmes]

Was on his mind. You were next. He heard it. He heard it through the brain that was holding the next guy's name, which is Indian name.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the riff comes out. Was that cypher sounds. I couldn't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That was cipher sounds.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Look, the comedy seller is. And I love the comedy seller, but especially like 20 years ago, it's where you go to be like, hey, Indian guy. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not saying maybe just New York in general. It doesn't shy away. It might not be unique to the seller. It's. It's just like we're gonna. There's a couple of black guys in the front. You might go. Anyone here like hip hop? Like, you'll just go for it. It's very New York to do that. La. Less so.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Less so.

[Pete Holmes]

I think so. I. And New York today you go to the Cellar. Now it looks like what the UCB used to be, which is like, you know, Josh Gondelman and get third. All the. All these, like, in my opinion, more sensitive comedians. More comedians that might not do that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep. Keep taking you away from.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, the last time I came to this, I've been here since 2007 and I. When I did the Laugh Factory and the Comedy Store.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is way back. And that guy who runs the place who was friends with Michael Jackson.

[Pete Holmes]

Jamie.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Jamie Masada at the Factory.

[Pete Holmes]

Laugh Factory.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's still there.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe so. Hey, I don't think I've ever met you.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Got us. You got a dvd. Some comedian. You have a special. I can't put you on again and get a special. He said this 2007.

[Pete Holmes]

That is making. I just quit comedy, actually, I think based on that story. You got a special.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was Michael Jackson's special.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, Jamie said that?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Jamie.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And got a dvd. Got dvd. This back in the DVD days. And then I ended up doing chocolate sundaes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Chocolate Sundays.

[Pete Holmes]

I did see comedy clubs are also like, okay, what do I do? It's like show business at the time of Sherlock Holmes. It's like someone's chewing on a matchstick and they're like, I guess I could put you on the black show. Like, we don't know what to do. A woman comes and they're like, ah, what do you dance? Like, it's somehow 1902.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Vaudeville.

[Pete Holmes]

It's vaudeville.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's very vaudeville here.

[Pete Holmes]

I've said this before, but I'd like to hear your response is like, when I was working a club in New York, like, literally working at the club and for stage time, you know, they'd be like, all right, we got this guy. This guy. Then we'll put a woman. You can't have two women. And then we got the black guy. You can't have two black guys. But then you got the other woman. Like, if an Indian guy. Indian, British, you understand? But they would see you as an Indian guy. They'd be like, well, we can't add the Indian guy up first. People would be like, what is this, an Indian show? Like, they would just be talking about you like a bearded lady. I'm a sword swallow.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I am a bearded lady.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew this.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's how I identify full transparency. I know it's going to get me more gigs in America.

[Pete Holmes]

It would.

[Paul Chowdhury]

If it works. It works.

[Pete Holmes]

It would.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What can you do?

[Pete Holmes]

Could. If it's real. We need it to be real.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And then the. Well, I actually got chocolate sundaes because Chappelle's producer, Stan Latham, got me on that show. So then the guy. You must be a big deal man, to get on because, like, just. You're straight on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Doing the show. And then I did Comedy Store. He got me on that. Which is another black knight. Well, you know. And they put the open micas on in those days at the start of the show.

[Pete Holmes]

They still do that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They still do it here. And then, like. And look out. And then Martin Lawrence is coming to his seat, talking to all his friends. And you're trying to do five minutes, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

Bruv, it's. It's. How do you feel about it? Because I understand in England the headliner sometimes goes first. That. That's what I do at my Largo show here in town. The headliner gone first.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's better to go up first.

[Pete Holmes]

My show. Yeah, first crack. You're setting the tone.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But when you do your shows, how

[Pete Holmes]

long do you do at Largo? Yeah, I'll do about 40 minutes up top.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Then I'll bring out the guests. Right. And I'll talk to them in between. Maybe do a couple bits in between. But I like to. Because then you enjoy the show.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And also you get first crack, you know? Am I right? Is that. And that's an English thing. Like in London you might have more shows. If it's the Paul Chowdhury, you're doing like, not like an arena, but you're doing like a residency at a thing. If I'm an English audience member, I'm not shocked that you come out first.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, no, but then most comics have openers. Like Chappelle would have like five openers before him.

[Pete Holmes]

That is. That's what I would call the American style, the American stuff.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But when I do tour shows outside of arenas and just theaters.

[Pete Holmes]

You first. I'll.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'll go first.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Have an intermission and then I'll go next. There's no. There's nobody else there. It's just me. Two hours.

[Pete Holmes]

Two hours. You tell a lot of stories, don't you?

[Paul Chowdhury]

So.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. I wanted to somehow take you down a bed. Cause you're doing two hours.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Two hours on the tour.

[Pete Holmes]

So you do an hour intermission now.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I do about 45, 40 ish. A break. And then an hour, an hour and 10.

[Pete Holmes]

Hour 10.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We have intermissions in the UK.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're counting that towards your time?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What if I. That, like, took it all the credit away? Oh, there's a 10 minute intermission. Sorry, I thought you did two hours.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's an hour and a half of crowd work and 20 minutes of material that's actually more.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought you were serious. Do you pick a and a half where you do the crowd work?

[Paul Chowdhury]

No, I just kind of sprinkle it in here and there. I tend to write the show and then whatever happens afterwards.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that based on feeling like, oh, it's getting a little stodgy in here when you. When you go into the crowd. This guy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, if it relates to Something I'm talking about. Yeah, look at your face, mate. You know? Yeah, this guy. Yeah, look, what's your problem? What are you looking at?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, most of that sort of stuff.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, that concept.

[Pete Holmes]

Speaking of Indian boy, Great Britain, stand up comedy in a pub tense.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, well, when I started. Yeah, I mean, I started mid. Late 98, you know, Stephen Merchant era.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Before they got the Office.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. Back when he was just.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Just a comic.

[Pete Holmes]

Just some guy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Just me.

[Pete Holmes]

Just a swizzle stick.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. Ricky Gervais was. Barely did the circuit at that time. And then he did say that before the Office. He did it after. Oh, he did, he did. So he did it. He did do a compilation show in Edinburgh. There's a three. Three comic compilation show. That's the way when there's three comics. And then I did a refringe where they do 20 minutes each.

[Pete Holmes]

So he did one of those before the Office.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I didn't know.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think it was around that time.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was about 2000, 2001.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Not that I know him personally.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's fine. But thank you for meeting me. You're doing great as a. Just got here talking to a Los Angeleno. Well, you're like, look, I'm British. You probably want to talk about the Office. You probably know who Ricky Gervais is.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I had nothing to do with Stephen Merchant. Yeah, I know, I know. But at least we're doing British people, not Indian people. Yeah, right.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

That's an upgrade.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's true. Because you could have spoken about British Indian shows.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Which don't exist. Apart from that, actually, I, you know, you're going to get complaints. Goodness Gracious Me was a sketch show.

[Pete Holmes]

What if I was like, I'm well aware that Goodness Gracious Me was an Indian sketch show in England. I'm a bit of a gracious head.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Are you? Oh, I didn't realize you were such a fan. Not that I had anything to do with that show either.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I'm here to have you represent things you don't have any claim to whatsoever. But you were saying. Oh, I was wondering if it was rough to show my complete hand here

[Paul Chowdhury]

we're doing pubs and stuff. Yeah, well, because the perception of British people for Americans is they don't have any teeth or they have got a couple of teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Terrible teeth. Terrible teeth. That actually still plays.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What is it with the.

[Pete Holmes]

The Beatles?

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's because the Beatles had bad teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

These are the first teeth.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Is that where it came from?

[Pete Holmes]

These Are the superstar teeth. These are the superstar teeth.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But they're 60s teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Superstar teeth.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Dental hygiene wasn't where it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Not here. We were fucking killing it here.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I was watching an Abbott video, by the way.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not sure if we were killing it here.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You were killing it here.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I just read a book. Facts. When are we not. I just read a thing about Elvis meeting the Beatles and the first thing he said was like, what's up with their teeth? They have the money. Because he was obsessed with dental hygiene. Yeah. As we. Off and straight teeth. Which I understand. I get the idea that we don't need to be straightening and whitening and making them all look.

[Paul Chowdhury]

As opposed to gay teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Gay teeth. Well, my teeth are bicurious for sure.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm always like, stop it, stop it. Your teeth have pronouns.

[Pete Holmes]

They're pulling me. They are, they, thems. They are my teeth. There's a bunch of them.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They, they, they are. They are good teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Keep going.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You have got good teeth. Actually, I do have good teeth. Great teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, they're big old teeth. I like this. What have we done here? Are these.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm trying to show you British teeth.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but these aren't British teeth. Those are rich teeth.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Once you have a certain amount of money, you're not British anymore.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You're not British anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you're rich. But that's the international passport everyone respects. You're not in the eu. You're in the eu. That dude's rich. I can't do it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I can't rep. Well, we're not in the EU after Brexit.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right, I forgot.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. Wait a minute. Yeah. Because of Brexit. You know Brexit, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. You know, brush it. Because you guys need to start doing.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Brush it.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to. How about. That's a terrible bet. But imagine if I went to London, you promote me and I go, how about enough with Brexit? You guys ever try brush it? And it's just dead silent.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We can use that as the. The Instagram clip to promote the tour.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. Cheers.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Forget Brexit. Just brush it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Great line. No, that's what you call a pun in England.

[Pete Holmes]

But you guys love puns.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We love puns. British people love puns. They don't like puns in America much.

[Pete Holmes]

No. And I'm trying to change that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We had Dimitri Martin. He came over to the uk. He did well with puns. They.

[Pete Holmes]

I bet he brought a lot of puns that he had cut from his act back.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm my act currently right now. My era right now has four very good puns in it. And after the first one, I go, guys, it's. It's 2026 now. But I go, it's 2026. I'm calling puns off the bench.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We're.

[Pete Holmes]

We're done pretending like we don't like them. But there's something about the American. Sorry, but, you know, being from different parts of the world, there's something. Americans want to seem smart. So if you tell them a joke that, like, kind of anyone could get, which is what a pun is, sort of for everybody, we're like, but that doesn't make me special for understanding it. I think that might be part of it. Does that make sense?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's similar to guitar comedy. It's similar to impressions. We're hesitant to something that it doesn't tell everyone that. I'm the audience member. I'm good, smart, clever for understanding it. And if it's too clever, we're like, fuck, we hate that too. But, like, puns are. You can do a good pun in Britain.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You can do a good pun in Britain. But puns only work to certain audiences. Now, when I used to play multicultural audiences then say, black crowds, they don't like puns.

[Pete Holmes]

No puns.

[Paul Chowdhury]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

They like big pun.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They like big, Big Punisher.

[Pete Holmes]

That was one of the worst jokes that's ever happened on this podcast. But I just feel so safe with you. I was like, I'm gonna say it. They like, big is a terrible joke.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Was that punny?

[Pete Holmes]

It was punish. It was punishing. So black audiences, not so much on the punts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even black British.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, Black British audiences. I was doing black rooms here back in, you know, the 2000s.

[Pete Holmes]

Black in the 2000s.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Black and back to black. I also met, back in the day, Amy Winehouse.

[Pete Holmes]

Amy Winehouse.

[Paul Chowdhury]

When I met her, when she was alive, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope so.

[Paul Chowdhury]

She was from the same area of London. That's northwest London.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, what was that like? How high was the hair?

[Paul Chowdhury]

This was pre hair.

[Pete Holmes]

Pre hair. Pre hair. I met her before you met Amy Wine? It was before the hair, before the hair, before, like, the whole image.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Your first album.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, and how was that?

[Paul Chowdhury]

She was just a normal. Hello. Yeah. All right.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Invited to a gig. She didn't come.

[Pete Holmes]

Huh.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And then Russell Brand. I don't know if I can discuss this.

[Pete Holmes]

You may.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Russell Brand, I used to gig with. At the time, he was friends with her, and now he's on multiple Sex offense charges.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, he's Russell. Oh, Russell Brand. I'm thinking of Russell Peters. Forgive me, I thought you only knew other Browns.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Some white people.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad. And only the best.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Only the best white people. Some are alive.

[Pete Holmes]

So Russell Brand. Yeah. Is he.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's British.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know, but this is.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He was here a long time. It was for a long time. He was here.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. He did the pod. He did the pod. He did the pod and I think

[Paul Chowdhury]

he deleted the episode yet or still there?

[Pete Holmes]

It's still up.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Still up. You don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you supposed to. Is that the etiquette strip? The Internet.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Did you keep the Andrew Tate one

[Pete Holmes]

up or do what?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Andrew Tate.

[Pete Holmes]

Andrew Tate is still one of our biggest episodes. I don't know who that is. I don't follow. Enough of the news. Who is Andrew Tate? Are we editing this out? What do we. What is happening? Tell me, Katie. This is how I get misogynistic Internet personality. Is it okay that I don't know who he is? Sometimes I don't know who some.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's a good thing. I didn't really. Sometimes I thought you were an incel.

[Pete Holmes]

I am involuntarily celibate. But by choice.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah,

[Pete Holmes]

I think I did that joke. You have.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think I did that joke once.

[Pete Holmes]

You're rubbing off on me.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, Russell,

[Pete Holmes]

you're making me British.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Don't ever call me Russell again.

[Pete Holmes]

I meant Peters. No, that's even worse. That's even worse.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They're both as offensive as each other.

[Pete Holmes]

Russell Peters.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, calling me Brown and then.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's what I meant. Calling you Russell isn't offensive because we don't like Russell. I understand there's a lot going on

[Paul Chowdhury]

here, but you've had Russell another.

[Pete Holmes]

The Internet's really good with subtlety.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Let's just release it. Nuance and see what happens. Undertones in comedy go down.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, people love to scour our intention before they make a comment.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And you had Russell Howard, a friend of mine, on this show.

[Pete Holmes]

Russell Howard, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Who? I did his TV show more than anyone. I was on his show more than any other comic.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is reminding me, Russell Howard, too, how much I love the forgive. I'm not saying you're all the same, but there's a type of mind that shines in British comedy that I really enjoy. It's quick, it's sharp. I'm trying to compliment you and Russell, but, like, fast.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I take that as a compliment.

[Pete Holmes]

High processing and silly.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Seeing that my brain is now 51 I know it's a compliment.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell everything.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, but you're looking good for 46.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks, bruv. Really?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just, you know, just started swimming. Really like it? Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Pull ups and. No, couldn't do one Calisthenics.

[Pete Holmes]

Kundalini aesthetics.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What's happened to Kundalini?

[Pete Holmes]

Kundalini. Sorry to whitesplain that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But Kundalini I believe, which is a made up. I don't know if it's made up. I think. What. I think it's funny when there was a Kundalini yoga documentary and they're like, it's just made up. And I'm like, everything's made up by somebody. But yeah, that was a big sex scandal.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Thing. But I think there are still people that really swear by. Kundalini is breath, work, energy, yoga. It's similar to Korea, I believe. It's, you know, it's like an energetic euphoric.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Was that the orgasmic Indian guy who did. Who's the.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. He was definitely.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What was his name? I slipped my mind.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Was that him?

[Pete Holmes]

Guru Jagat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got real. He got hard. Yoga canceled.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He got yoga.

[Pete Holmes]

But he was grooming. And I mean, all the bad.

[Paul Chowdhury]

See, that was a term I needed to ask you.

[Pete Holmes]

Grooming.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Grooming. I have a grooming joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And does the term grooming work in America?

[Pete Holmes]

Meaning preparing somebody to.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. Not doing this.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I mean, is grooming a word?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'll be fine here. Then I'm ready to groom you got.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your first hour.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's just grooming. The grooming Paul Chowdhury hour.

[Pete Holmes]

Chowdhury is Paul.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Paul.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is the best choice if you're gonna make your name easier to say.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, my full name is actually Taj Paul.

[Pete Holmes]

Taj Paul.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Taj Paul Singh Chowdhury.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's P A L, right?

[Paul Chowdhury]

P A U, L. It is still P A U, L. It is, yeah. People actually do think that's a very good. Tell Wikipedia, as Wikipedia changed it.

[Pete Holmes]

We can change it. That's on us. But P A, J. P A L. Paul, that. Is that what it says this morning. It also said you've been canceled. I'm just kidding. No, I'm just kidding.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think that was a different.

[Pete Holmes]

Different guy. If you're anything like me, you've been hearing a lot about glp. One medication in the news. People, you know, taking it, friends. I have so many friends taking it. And at first I thought it was just like a trend, some sort of wellness fading. But the more I've learned, the more I see these are actual serious health care tools that are more about not just weight loss, but energy cravings, overall health, not just the number on the scale. One thing that made GLP1 feel kind of daunting to people is that it's usually a self administered shot. But now there's a new FDA approved GLP1 pill which makes the whole thing feel so much more approachable. And that's where roe comes in. Ro offers the first FDA approved GLP1 pill for weight loss at the lowest cost around. It is the same weight loss ingredient as the shot and delivers comparable results, helping patients lose about 14% of their body weight in a year on average. RO makes everything simple with 100% online care, access to FDA approved GLP1 medication, free insurance checks, side effect management, dosing support and provider messaging. And honestly, if I was going to do this, this is the path I would take. Roe is what I would use. So go to RO Co Weird to see if you're eligible for the new GLP1 pill on RO. That's Roe Co weird to get started. Roe Co safety for box warning and full safety information about GLP1 medication based on study in non diabetics with obesity or overweight plus a weight related condition with diet and exercise this episode is brought to us by our friends at Pesti, which I was in desperate need of. Desperate need of Pesti. We moved out of the city a while ago. Not to say that the city doesn't have bugs, but there are a ton of bugs where we live now. And imagine my horror when I woke up and there was like a river of ants. Like a Billy Joel album. Just a river of ants working its way all over the counter. I think I had left like a single pistachio out and that was enough to call in the hoard and Val was like please handle this bug situation. Luckily someone told me about Pesty which made it so easy and maybe even a little fun. It was do yourself pest control. That's actually the same pro grade stuff the professionals use. It's not some watered down candy ass version. It's the real stuff, just way easier and more affordable. They send you one simple kit with everything you need. I loved it. It was even cool packaging. There was a sprayer, a mixing bag, gloves, the pesticide and super clear instructions that made it even easy for a goofus like me to do it in 10 minutes. And it took care of the job. 10 minutes. Pesti customizes the treatment based on your location the season and the climate, which is great because bugs in California are very different from bugs in Minnesota. And it's also so much stronger, as I mentioned, than the diluted stuff you buy at the store. And the best part, no strangers came to my house. No appointments, no hassle, none of that. Pesty can get rid of over 100 types of bugs. Spiders, the worst, ants, the worst, roaches the worst. That's the worst. Even scorpions. And it starts at just $35 per treatment, which is way less than the hundreds pest companies usually charge for house calls. It's insane. It's also kid and pet friendly when used as directed. And the pesticides they use are fully registered and have been used in hospitals and schools all over the country. They offer 100% bug free guarantee. If the bugs don't go away, you get your money back. So listen, bugs, hate to see you coming with Pesty. Go to pesti.com weird that's P E S T-I E.com weird and you'll get an extra 10% off your order. Pesty.com weird for an extra 10% off. Trust only 18 states require sex ed to be medically accurate. And relationship classes. Let's fix that. I'm Shan, an ASEX certified sex educator with a master's in psych. And on my podcast Lovers by Shan, we make learning about love as mind blowing as making it. Celebrities and fascinating people share an intimate story. Then we uncover the lesson for all of us. Watch Lovers by Shan from Lemonada Media on YouTube or listen wherever you like your podcast

[Paul Chowdhury]

cancellation does. You know, you can really take off now with cancellations.

[Pete Holmes]

People are recommending it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Very good for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good for your career.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Very good for your career.

[Pete Holmes]

I was thinking that recently, yesterday, and I don't mean to be. I don't think we say butthurt anymore. That's a 90s thing. I'm giving you tips.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's a very Beavis and Butt head joke.

[Pete Holmes]

It is butthurt, but it is a little. Is it homophobic? I'm not even trying to be funny. It's like, oh, you. Everything in so much of both of our languages is like, who's getting fucked?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Like we're all about. Well, when we say both of our languages, we doom in English.

[Pete Holmes]

Your language that we ruined with the Croissan'.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Wich.

[Pete Holmes]

I know that's French, but you know what I'm saying? I don't know. I'm not gonna say butthurt, but like, I will be in a town and I'm happy with where I am. I'm not. One of the reasons I don't follow the news and surf the web, God help me, is because I don't want to be jealous. And I'm not jealous. I'm happy and I'm grateful. But I will be in a town and sometimes reality will be the Internet and I'll see something and I'm happy that I sold at a 350 seat theater. I'm like, hey, pretty good. All right. And then I'll drive past like the international palace of superstardomanity. Like ripped from the headlines, somebody. And I'm not talking about Louis. This is not. I'm not talking about Louis CK I'm not talking about someone who was scandalized and has been processing that and hasn't been re. Scandalized. I'm talking about scandalizers who still keep. Keep on scandalizing. Like, still are grooming and bad guys and they'll be in like a 22,000 seat theater. I'm like, bro,

[Paul Chowdhury]

I didn't know which comics are doing that here.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I don't know why. For some reason, this is an interesting trend in comedy podcasts. When we talk about these things, we never say their name. You're right.

[Paul Chowdhury]

If I was watching at home, I'd be Chris d'.

[Pete Holmes]

Elia.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. I did Montreal with him.

[Pete Holmes]

He was in My New Faces. He's on the wall right there. See the 10 comics to watch.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We went to a strip club together. Maybe let's cut that out.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you were in Montreal.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what you do in Montreal. You go to strip club clubs. So you, you were, you were at a bar with Crystal. Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And people started stripping around us. We were unaware. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like being in Portland, Oregon.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Somehow there's Marcino cherries and now there's some breasts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. I was doing, you know, I was headlining the British showcase in Montreal and then I did the gala with William H. Macy. Was hosting on that.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Famed stand up comedian William H. Macy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They always seem to get. I know I've never done stand up. I know someone writes them a set that doesn't work. It's the first time they've ever said out loud.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And there's always some audio video component.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like, I'll be saved by a screen.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like if there's a screen with a picture of an ass on it, will it be funnier? When I say ass and I feel bad for these guys, I'm like, I'm sure they got 150,000.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or more.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Because it's the TV gala.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's probably.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And they die so badly. Is it dying here? They bomb so bad.

[Pete Holmes]

You can say die.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They die so badly. And then bring you straight on.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. It's like when you do a gig and they're like. They show a video about homeless cats that have no ears. And then they go. And now Paul Choudhury. And it is Taj Paul, but it's spelled Paul. And you hear people take out their laptops and they're changing Wikipedia.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Changing in the audience, which takes time to change. You can't even change. I've never been able to change.

[Pete Holmes]

You kind of have to. You don't have to know HTML to change Wikipedia, but you have to be willing to look at it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Look at it. It.

[Pete Holmes]

You guessed that so well. Look at it. Yeah, like it was like dead serious

[Paul Chowdhury]

about look at it. Look at it.

[Pete Holmes]

Two guys. You have to see some backslashes. There's going to be parentheses.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's going to look like Math.Semicolons.

[Pete Holmes]

it's HTML is the Alphabet was like, what if I'm math? And I don't mean like algebra is. I mean like crazy Einstein math.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's Asian math.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like hard Asian. Not you real Asian. Next, like what we meant by Asian in 1982. Y' all became Asian.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We. We're kind of 20, but you call

[Pete Holmes]

us South Asian right now. That's what it is. 20, 26. South Asian. I know you're having fun, but what if you weren't? Because you just went like. That would have been such a great moment. And a publicist comes in and pulls you.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They never even come with me anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so glad. We predicted, due to your stature, that you might be a publicist with you person. And I don't mind saying we don't like when the publicist.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I know. I realize that you're a comic. I'm a comic. And it's uncomfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, then you'll see on those episodes, I keep turning to them because, like, I can put the audience that will watch the show out of my mind in the good way, but I can't. Your fucking publicist. And they're always on their phone. They're on their phone the whole time. And then you tell some story and it's great.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And they cut it.

[Pete Holmes]

And they cut it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I had one situation once and I did an interview in the public. This is the only time they. Where they jumped in. But I wanted this to continue. And the Woman said, but apparent. Why do people get offended by your material? So how do you feel about that? And I'm like, what people. You know, people can get offended. It's just like, what. Can you give me an example? Because I don't really know what you're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You know, just. But if. Why do you say things that potentially can event. You know, make people offended? And then she jumped and said, can we move on? But I wanted to see.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That would have been lovely.

[Pete Holmes]

That would have been. I actually felt like in this moment you'd like to talk about that. That's interesting.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because what is your take? There's different takes. We got Gervais on the mind and his. His take is like, fuck off. Like, he loves.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I don't give a fuck.

[Pete Holmes]

He wants to be a provocateur.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which. Fine. I don't get that sense necessarily.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Not really. I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just trying to.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm not a shot comic.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to get some laughs.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just have a good time.

[Paul Chowdhury]

If it's funny, it's money.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's financial.

[Paul Chowdhury]

If it's funny, it's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny. It's money. Oh, my.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Never heard that one.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think so. Isn't it?

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Did I make it up? I'm sure that must be out there.

[Pete Holmes]

Brown doesn't frown.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It must be there in the urethra.

[Pete Holmes]

Urethra. Not since Brexit. Get that colonoscopy. Brav.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I need to get this. Who's. Who's the guy?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'll give you. You want in a good LA around here. Speaking of Michael Jackson.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Right before I. I love.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He lives. He lived mj. He used to live near here.

[Pete Holmes]

Michael.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, I don't think so.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Where was his?

[Pete Holmes]

Neverland is in our minds and hearts I believe I know to get to Neverland we go towards the moon and fly until morning. Where is. I can't. I can't. Oh, was it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, I thought so. I was staying there New Year's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's up near where I live. I'm gonna go.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's now amusing. You can walk in there now. It's like an amusement place.

[Pete Holmes]

There have been people. There's somebody that did our. This show. I can't believe I'm blanking that. Broke into it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

And they walked around. Yeah. It was a weird. Like right after he died, security was like, well, he's gone. And you could just jump the fence and they took pictures. It Was crazy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The weird thing is Bubbles is still alive.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Bubbles is still there. He smokes a pack a day, but he's fine.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's got depression.

[Pete Holmes]

He's very depressed.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He saw a lot of stuff we didn't see.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to say this. You're not supposed to say this about Bubbles, but here's bananas.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I knew this was a highbrow podcast. I knew what I was entering.

[Pete Holmes]

Awful. Just the best kind of awful. Like, you ever eat a cheese that's so smelly. It's awful, but you love it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They should sell out my arena tours in America.

[Pete Holmes]

This podcast should open it up.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This should be the clip. I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

You're welcome to at Royalty Free. And they'll all be like, wow, Russell Howard. Put on a few. They'll have no idea who I am.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I almost met Michael Jackson, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Tell me.

[Paul Chowdhury]

In London.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why, but there's something. Maybe it's your. There's something heft as a presence. I'm like the guy who meets Michael Jackson.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I identify as a he.

[Pete Holmes]

As a he.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He.

[Pete Holmes]

Michael Jackson's pronouns were he, he, dad. Do it tonight. I'm sure no one's done it. Are you sure? Google it. Michael Jackson's pronouns are he, it must be done. It's not. Google it. You just. You. You did it. Most of it. I just scooped it up and gave it back to you. That's not done. Michael Jackson's pronouns were he. Look, I was just gonna say pronoun. Like jokes are done. Like that. Like my pronoun, my whatever. That's the best one that's ever happened.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I appreciate that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's ever. Do you see anything online about it?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I do. I knew it.

[Pete Holmes]

Everything's done. Yeah, but who said it? This is the next level of. Of jokeability. It apparently was on key appeal.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, was it really? Google AI.

[Pete Holmes]

There is a thing. But I.

[Paul Chowdhury]

There's also, like, jokes on Reddit.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why I'm like, if it's on Reddit, I wouldn't steal a joke. If you thought of it on your own. And. And then it's. Somebody commented it on a. I don't know. I don't know. It's really up to your own taste. I mean, remember Lizzo? It's bad o' clock or whatever. She got it from some tweet. Anyway, so tell me about comics.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We can't do that. I agree. We can't pay homage to a joke.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Tarantino can't pay homage to several different Japanese film directors.

[Pete Holmes]

Although it is funny, I know you love Prior and Carlin. I'm trying to remember everybody that was on your list. Kinison was a nice standout.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Jackie Mason.

[Pete Holmes]

Jackie Mason. When we talk about AI, it's just using everything that's come before it and mimicking it. I'm like, bruv, I was Brian Regan for three years in the early 2000s. I mean, not so much that he would have been upset, but like, if you watch a video of me doing Sene in my first three years, I was like, the big yellow one is the sun. Like, it was. It was just my training wheels.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I was with Brian actually. What, when he was in London?

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Great guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Does he do good in.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He did. Well, it was a big American crowd. I was there with. With Tom Holland.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. The actor.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The actor Batman.

[Pete Holmes]

You were there with Bane?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Spider.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. Tom Holland is Spider Man.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Dominic Holland was. Was a comedian I used to do shows with. So his dad is a stand up.

[Pete Holmes]

Tom Holland's dad is a stand up.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Stand up Dominic Holland.

[Pete Holmes]

Uncle Ben did stand. I thought he died in that robber.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He died. So I had to take him to the. To the show.

[Pete Holmes]

We died on stage a few times. And then Spider man was like, I'm gonna avenge him.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And he's very Christian, man.

[Pete Holmes]

Tom Holland's dad. Yeah, mucho's Christian.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. Dominic Holland.

[Pete Holmes]

Dominic, yeah. Let's give him respect.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's not Uncle Ben.

[Pete Holmes]

Not Uncle Ben. It's Uncle Ben. Right. Respectively these riffs. This is the first show after the holiday break. So I'm like, I don't know if I can rip anymore.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Not Bane.

[Pete Holmes]

So you were with Tom Holland, who's the new Spider Man?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, well, he came. Dominic bought his entire family with him because they knew, I think they met Brian in America.

[Pete Holmes]

They just went to the show to watch.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They came to the show. Leicester Square Theater.

[Pete Holmes]

Amazing.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But Brian's such a nice guy.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, sweetheart. Yeah. So tell me about mj.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Mj. I remember I was driving down and there was near a hotel in. This was in Holborn in central London. And there was a car, limousine in front of me. So people start banging on the car. And I open the windows, what's going on? You know? And they said, Michael Jackson's in that car. I mean, literally the car's driving down the street and people are like, literally in the street and they're. They're trying to just claw at the car.

[Pete Holmes]

They're throwing their monkeys.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, they're throwing bananas. Like, I don't think I can say

[Pete Holmes]

that the riff was dangerous because of racial. Because I meant he owns a monkey. They throw their monkeys.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's why I tried to.

[Pete Holmes]

And no, you're protected by the law of. Yes. And yeah, nobody thinks you were. Out of nowhere. You were.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Bubbles were still in level.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a bubbles. It was. We were in a bubbles bubble. We were protected by the bubble. The bubbles bubble protects us both from that riff.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And then I actually just performed at the O2 arena this year, which was the venue that Michael Jackson was supposed to do his residency in before he died.

[Pete Holmes]

Before he died.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And then I was given an award for selling out that venue in the Michael Jackson room.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And there's his handprint on the wall. And then you go into the room and then there's a secret door which goes into another room around the back, which I filmed and stuck on YouTube. So you can.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You can see the actual little hands. They were. The hands are about that big.

[Pete Holmes]

Big hand. It's a huge hand. I can't believe you're not reacting more. That's a very big hand.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The very he. They're very he, him hands. He.

[Pete Holmes]

Him hands were there when he pressed it in. Was he wearing the glove? I mean, has there been an easier person to riff on than Michael? So I got my colonoscopy and they. The drug they gave me was the drug that Michael used to take to sleep. So they're about Profipol. Yes, I think. No, no, not. Not pro. Not profile.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was not Profopol Chowdhury.

[Pete Holmes]

I fell asleep with that joke. More like Profipol Chowdhury.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. Yeah, Propofol. Okay. So I'm about to be put down. What I started to say was put down. You know what I mean? Not like a dog, like a person. Like, I'll be back. But I love being in that tender place where I need everybody. Like, I'm about to be completely passed out and they're in the most, you know, violatable position. You know what I mean?

[Paul Chowdhury]

But then you.

[Pete Holmes]

For the colonoscopy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

If I go and do that after this podcast, I can't do the gig tonight.

[Pete Holmes]

It depends. Not recommended, is it?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I've got to do another podcast. And then which one? I've got to do Adam Corolla. Adam Sandler.

[Pete Holmes]

Adam Sandler's podcast.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I thought I'd pretend I was.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, that would have been great. But if Adam was doing a podcast, I'd be like.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It would be an interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

So, Paul, you're. You Hell out. Big, big red fuchsia. I felt like that was pretty good.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That was. That was good.

[Pete Holmes]

That was good.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Have you never done that in song?

[Pete Holmes]

I've done them, but not that small. You know what I mean? You know, like a big but. Well, he did the show that he did these two. I mean, come on. Yeah, Just once.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The highest paid actor in Hollywood.

[Pete Holmes]

Once. Now, who is it? Gabriel Iglesias.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Who's the highest? I think it. It was the Rock. Who is it now?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, not Chalamet. Chalamet is like our double espresso star.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Very good table tennis player.

[Pete Holmes]

You played him?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I never played him, but I want to play.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, in Marty Supreme.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Martin Supreme.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a Marty supreme for lunch. Was the Rock. Now it's probably. We're having fun. We're really leaning.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is a lot of googling.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of googling. Welcome to the show. Two guys googling.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And a googly is a good pitch in cricket. In it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And the googly eye is somebody who has a lazy eye. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But it's not lazy, is it? We don't say that anymore.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You can't say lazy eye.

[Pete Holmes]

Differently able.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Differently able.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know what we say.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You can't even say googly.

[Pete Holmes]

Actually, I just listened to something where somebody got mad at somebody for calling aliens aliens. Not alien. Like you moved here. Inner terrestrial extraterrestrials. Yeah. Called them aliens. And I was like, that's pejorative. I was like, where have you heard the joke that liberals have annoyed the world into being fascist? Isn't that funny? I'm a liberal, but I'm just saying, like, there's about that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's kind of the conspiracy, isn't it?

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I do think it's been nudged in that when the left is so

[Paul Chowdhury]

far left, they become right.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I didn't even. I just meant, like, once. And I don't like saying my side because I'm not a really super political person. But once, let's just for fun, say my side. The liberal side started saying things like, we were at dinner with a friend of mine who's very, very political, very liberal. It's a Mexican restaurant, and there's a Basque cheesecake. And she doesn't want to get it because of the colonial implications.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right. A basket of Basque.

[Pete Holmes]

Basque, as in the race Basque. It's a mountainous region between Spain. So it wasn't even between Spain. She was wrong. It was near Spain, so she was wrong. But it was a Mexican restaurant. But she wasn't gonna eat It. Because it was on the menu at a Mexican or a Oaxacan restaurant. And I was just like, this is why. People are like, this is why. Going the Third Reich way.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which sucks. I'm not saying. But I'm like, this isn't helping. I want some more.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's incredible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And what did you do?

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I just did is I made that story better by being at that dinner. My wife. So you know what I did? I heard that story and just took it as my own. Right.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Now you used it as your own story.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I didn't think you were. You're very good at going, which scandalized comedian are we talking about? And what did you do? That's the correct question.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Just checking if anyone else is up on your.

[Pete Holmes]

You may.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Who has been canceled?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, no, on my. We got Drud Carmichael, Kristalia, Josh Fadem, Me, Thomas Middleditch. Thomas had some. Some dust ups and stuff. I think. I. I think he was ultimately. Okay. I don't. I don't really follow this stuff. Tim Minchin.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Tim Minchin, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Honorable mention.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's always in England.

[Pete Holmes]

He's not British, is he?

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's Australia.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. Your discards there.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Were our discards originally. Ex convicts sent to an island.

[Pete Holmes]

Whole island. A big Alcatraz.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was the original Epstein Island Austatraz. I'm not saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, I understand.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. Because now. We're gonna stick with it now. Can't call Australia anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't unpack it. No, they'll love it. Rebel Wilson. Speaking of Aussie.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Rebel Wilson. She's an Aussie.

[Pete Holmes]

Harris Whittles, Rest in peace. One of the greats. And Ali Wong were my 10 comics to watch. I've never done that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, you were on that.

[Pete Holmes]

That was. Yeah. Varieties.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What year was that?

[Pete Holmes]

That would have, I don't know, 2000, I'd guess eight.

[Paul Chowdhury]

2011.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what it says?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, 2011.

[Pete Holmes]

Good eyesight. Contacts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

No, I'm actually. I can see one. Yeah. I need reading glasses now. Actually, I've actually bought them with me just in case.

[Pete Holmes]

1.25.

[Paul Chowdhury]

1 point. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

How do you know? Did you look?

[Pete Holmes]

No, couldn't see if I did. Can we please be the new Abbott

[Paul Chowdhury]

and Costello but on grey.

[Pete Holmes]

British. Yeah, we'll be the ones that are like having a bit of cake on.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We're covering a lot of. We're ticking a lot of boxes here.

[Pete Holmes]

Diversity,

[Paul Chowdhury]

Gender.

[Pete Holmes]

Gender. We both have gender. Look, I'm sorry, but you make up for some of that. Like I'M like, yeah. But then it's like, wait.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, oh, status quo. And then it's like, hold on. So you always. In all the promo pictures, that would be like coming out from behind me, just. Me with a music cake, and you're like, I don't know why the no smile. You're not even.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is straight.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not gonna have this much fun on Sandler's podcast. Okay? We got what you're doing. Okay, here's what it is. Huge venues. You just sold out. MJ's thing. That's what we were talking about. I'm gonna say a hot take, and I want your honest take. You do these venues. What's that? What is the Wembley?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I did Wembley.

[Pete Holmes]

How big is that?

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's 10.

[Pete Holmes]

10,000? 10?

[Paul Chowdhury]

15. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. You know, it's a big venue. When you're like, give or take five of the venues that I would play.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah,

[Pete Holmes]

give or take five. You mean 5x my venue. So there could be five of my shows happening at your show.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You play arenas, right?

[Pete Holmes]

No. Really? Cheers.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think you could sell arenas. Pete Holmes. I know you in London.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just your thing again.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You're doing that thing since I, you know, you started.

[Pete Holmes]

You're doing a thing.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You're. You're hugely successful international superstar Pete Holmes is.

[Pete Holmes]

You're having a go.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm not having. I'm not having a go, mate.

[Pete Holmes]

You are.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm not trying to. I'm not trying to butter you up.

[Pete Holmes]

You're buttering my scone.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm not trying to bite. I know. Bread and scones are two different things.

[Pete Holmes]

Just so you know. We have bread and we have scones. You guys just have scones.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We just have scones.

[Pete Holmes]

The two scone sandwich. That's why your little cucumber sandwiches are so small, because it's two scones in it. We love in it. Oh, here's how. Here's how to pan to us.

[Paul Chowdhury]

One of my shows. Lamaste special is cool. Live in it.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And we love in it. We love Girlfriend.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Girlfriend.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Girlfriend.

[Pete Holmes]

We love the way you say girlfriend.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What do you say?

[Pete Holmes]

Girlfriend.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What did I say?

[Pete Holmes]

Say it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Girlfriend.

[Pete Holmes]

It's different.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Is it? Is it different?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you hear it?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Girlfriend.

[Pete Holmes]

Friend. You hit friend. And also say, my full name is Peter.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Peter. Thank you, Peter Holmes.

[Pete Holmes]

Takes me right to Peter Pan. We're back to Neverland.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You're a distant relative of John Holmes, right?

[Pete Holmes]

We call him Shorty.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Johnny Holmes. Big old Ding Dong Paul Thomas Anderson did a great movie, Boogie Nights about him.

[Pete Holmes]

Not many people know that was about

[Paul Chowdhury]

John Holmes because he wasn't allowed to say. Due to the estate, they weren't allowed to mention his name.

[Pete Holmes]

Very similar to the master.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which also about a porn star. Are you a Scientologist?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm not, but I did go to the building.

[Pete Holmes]

You are though, right? I mean, I am now. Okay. You have to be for 24 hours.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. I think I. If I converted or to a faith with. Or even to Scientology.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Would that be beneficial to my American career?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think so.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Really? Because I heard it could be very beneficial from them. From them. When they asked me to join.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. That's another Elvis thing. They always wanted Elvis to join the church.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And he hated them famously. And then after he died, his wife and child became Scientologists. So they got Elvis's money. Right. In the end. So what I'm saying is I was at the premier.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The Elvis film.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I haven't seen it. Is it good?

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was interesting. It was different. I mean I saw the. Kurt Russell did a version. 1970s.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Kurt Russell was an interesting Elvis.

[Pete Holmes]

This is just so much with Elvis.

[Paul Chowdhury]

There's so much to unpack.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He never came to London.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He never performed in.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, the real Elvis.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The real Elvis. Really? I was just like America, baby. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just like America.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you got? Indian food at the gas stations. No.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Have you done this? And I've done a novice impersonation.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that wasn't good.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That was.

[Pete Holmes]

That was my first try Elvis. Not a lot of episodes. Have my first crack at something. Oh, Paul Child, it's good to see you. He just sounds like a ghost.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Sounds like an old Elvis.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, old Elvis.

[Paul Chowdhury]

An old age.

[Pete Holmes]

He died 42 or something. Very young.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Very young.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Colon issues, was it? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought he had a stroke from

[Paul Chowdhury]

pushing on the toilet.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But that doesn't mean your colon wasn't really colon. Might have just been watching your heart have a hard time.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So you shouldn't push.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that's what they say. A friend of mine in college had a stroke. He's 24. Had a stroke from pushing 24. But he ripped a blood clot. Doing sit ups. Too many sit ups.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is why Wadi blood clot. Which is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Which is a big one.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Big one. This is Jamaican.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't say that like I. I've been told by Jamaican friends like you don't say it's like, it's like the c word times 10.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But the C word here. See, that's a good one.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's a good one.

[Pete Holmes]

If you say cunt, just know you just dropped Thor's hammer.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But Australians get away with it. And I think British people get Jim Jeffries.

[Pete Holmes]

We're just like. I don't know. He used to keep him away from me. That's what the. The audiences are just like, he can do whatever he wants.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Jim Jeffries, when I used to gig. Because he was in London just before he came out here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think 2006.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And, yeah. He used to use terms that you couldn't get away with. And even in England, in Australia, you can get away. Even the P word.

[Pete Holmes]

Pregnancy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

See, now I'm trying to.

[Pete Holmes]

Pee isn't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Pee is like the drug. Say if you take the country Pakistan.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, we don't do that one.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's not one.

[Pete Holmes]

And we love racism.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we've never adopted. Because we don't know what a Pak Pakistani is.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not. I'm not trying to be funny. There's a. There's a intermingling that seems to be happening in the UK that leads to slurs that aren't. Don't seem necessary to your average white.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So what's the drug due term for Indian people? Like South Indian? Is there one in America?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I love that Katie's thinking.

[Paul Chowdhury]

There was like, awful. I know there was ragheads and I know there was things.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I heard towel saying. Same suffix.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Very offensive. But that was towards the Sikh community.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Awful.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Which the Americans didn't differentiate between people from Afghanistan or. Or Arab. Because the head is just a.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Houston play.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember Punch out. Yeah, that. That's every brown. You know what I mean? It's a Muslim, it's a Saudi. You know, it's a Sikh. It's a. It's a Hindu, it's a Indian, it's a. It's just.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're not. That's what I mean is there's not. Not that it's good.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That England has the P1. But when you said P, I was at a loss.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't even want to go into the search. They're all awful.

[Paul Chowdhury]

They're old. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But the word. The one that you probably. You don't need to know this.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I've reclaimed it, though, the P word in England.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're not Pakistani.

[Paul Chowdhury]

No, but that. That was used towards all Indian.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. Oh, so it was broad. Okay. So it wasn't. Nobody was like, hold on, before I insult you. Where are you from?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was just like, I see.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So it became our N word.

[Pete Holmes]

I see. Because that's in the British office, too. It's in the pilot, I believe. My favorite P word.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

He says it in the first episode of the British Office. There's two Pakistani guys that work in the office. You never see them again.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think it's just for.

[Paul Chowdhury]

In the American office.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, British.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And the British.

[Pete Holmes]

And Ricky says, do your Ali G impression.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's in one of the episodes. That's my friend.

[Pete Holmes]

No way.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He plays the character he says it to. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So you do all know. That was a big swing. That was a big swing. That was a big.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That was an uppercut. That was a sneaky one. Right in the solar plexus.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's funny because big swing here is baseball.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I took a swing at a ball. I was watching.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was a box.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like. I don't say, oh, so you do all know each other. But I was like, I think we're there as friends. And I.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That was good.

[Pete Holmes]

And it hit.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I appreciate it. But if you hadn't laughed, it would have been uncomfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

Would definitely have edited it out. My cake. Or you say pudding. Very confused.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We say pudding.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't like that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Or you say dessert, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah. Pudding is one of the desserts.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Pudding is. Is our.

[Pete Holmes]

You can have. Can you have pudding for pudding?

[Paul Chowdhury]

If pudding is pudding now.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but what about cake can't be pudding then? Because pudding is a bowl of chocolate.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But what are you putting in pudding,

[Pete Holmes]

Bro? One of my teachers is British. Rupert.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, right.

[Pete Holmes]

I could have just told you his name was Rupert.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But you've got a double barrel name, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

How's that?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Because you have three names. You don't use your middle name.

[Pete Holmes]

Peter Benedict. Benedict. Very British.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Very British name. Yeah, but your mother was Lithuanian. Lithuanian. Google Lithuanian refugee.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Left when she was 7.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And your father's part Irish and British

[Pete Holmes]

and underreported how English I believe he is because he really wanted to be Italian and Irish because those are the fun ones. Yeah, English just kind of seems like the paper you write other races on.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, of course, English.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You got the other box.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. But Holmes is an English name that means owned a home. Right. That's how cool it was to own a home.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Really.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Peter. Which Peter? You know, the. One of the homes and multiple homes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Now you have multiple homes. This Home. That home. I don't know where you live, but that home.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm on Redfin. I use Redfin like Amazon. Add to cart.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What's Redfin?

[Pete Holmes]

That's not true. Redfin. Okay, good.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Zillow, Zillow, Godzilla. My favorite real estate app is Lizzo. No, Redfin and Zillow are apps that we use to spy on how much our friends homes are worth.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right. These are good ones. These are. These are reference.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a good reference.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is a good reference. I need.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think you're clean on crisps. You're okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Chips, you call them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I think you can say Chris. I think you can even say torch. I'm saying there's actually a fine line as a British comedian where the audience will like that. You say torch. Lori. Could go either way. Lift. You're clear.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Torch. As in a light torch. We call them torches.

[Pete Holmes]

I think if you say torch, you're okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And you call them lights.

[Pete Holmes]

Lori, you should say truck. Laura used to say Lower east side.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Lower east side, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Lift, though. You're good.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Elevator.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. What do you call an escalator?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think we call them escalators.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Seems like you'd be like, get on the escalator, mate.

[Pete Holmes]

The queens. Get on the queen's knees.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, Queen's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's hard to rip on the queen. Got a king now.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We've got a king now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Hey, everyone, it's Leah Greenberg and Ezra Levin. You might know us as two of the lead organizers of the no Kings protests. We're also the co founders of Indivisible, the grassroots movement organizing against Trump's regime. And this is what's the Plan? Your weekly guide to the state of our democracy and how we fight back. This is not canned talking points. It's a real live discussion space for the pro democracy movement. We wrestle with strategy together. We take your top voted questions in real time, and we talk about the most impactful actions we can take. Right now. Democracy is a participatory sport. The fascists win. When we sit on the sidelines, what's the Plan? Is about how we get into the game. What's the plan? Available Friday, January 23rd, wherever you get your podcasts, subscribe, recruit, discuss, organize and win. That's the plan. Oh, this is my question.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Wembley. Yeah, I remember. I was going somewhere.

[Pete Holmes]

10 something. Here's my leading question. Yes, this is a hot moment. Ready? I don't mean you.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

10,000 people. Shows. Not very good though, is it?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you agree? I wasn't trying to scandalize you. Are you saying could take it out? I'm just saying it's not an ideal number to do a show. I've done seven and I'm like, what is this?

[Paul Chowdhury]

7,000, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Which venue was that?

[Pete Holmes]

Radio City.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Radio City. But that's how I was there.

[Pete Holmes]

Not the night I did it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I was there when he did with Chris Rock, and we went to the Box afterwards.

[Pete Holmes]

What's the Box?

[Paul Chowdhury]

The nightclub.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, is that the one where there's,

[Paul Chowdhury]

like, girls on trapezes and then people shitting on stage at the beginning?

[Pete Holmes]

They did.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Were you there that night? No, this was 2017.

[Pete Holmes]

I was the. I was there the night they were pissing.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I wish I was at that show.

[Pete Holmes]

It's way better if you have a ticket to the early show where they poop or the late where they pee. Go to the pee. Because they're peeing really hard at the poop stains. That's how they clean the stove. I wasn't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Producers aren't impressed with this. Slun of.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Katie is used to this.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

My wife this morning was like, you are on one. I'm just all. I'm just happy to be back at my life. It's been two weeks at home. Two weeks at homes for the Happy Christmas. As you say, two weeks at homes. I gotta stay on my toes. So you agree. It's not. But I'm not trying to catch you. I'm just saying when I see people doing Madison Square Garden, when I see people doing. Not Wembley. I didn't know what Wembley was.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The O2. You're right. It does have a different flavor. Yeah. Because you say something and a couple of seconds later hits the back of the room and the laugh comes back to you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly right. It's like throwing papers into a tornado.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I tried to do something different, though, when I did the Birmingham arena, which is in the middle of England. The Midlands, they call it. They call it the Black Country.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, is that near Mordor? Thank you for laughing. That was so basic. I feel like it was so bad. It was okay.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was good. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You went right to Tolkien's map. It's like, here's where you're playing tonight. Your agent is a goblin.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, go on. This is an area you may well play because it's a major city in England. When you do arenas in the uk, this might be one of the.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop banging my mash. I don't know how to tell you. I Don't know how to say this in your parlance.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Bangers and mash.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop warming my beer, my ale. Forgive me.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And I decided to have no support at an arena. So I did the entire two hour show and my voice was done the next day.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you, you kind of project yell.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, you can't help it. Because the amount you naturally, you.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't play Fight Flight.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

There's too many people.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And there's why, hey, you can't. In the heckles. You can't hear.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what if, if you're doing a show and a thousand people could get up and go to the bathroom and you wouldn't even address it. Well, it seems like we agree. I'm just saying, like, stand up. To me is this wonderful attunement between the audience and the performer. And if you're just like, here's so many people, you can't even go, what's wrong with your face? Or these people liked it. These people don't. Because you're in the round. It just seems like the opposite. Don't get me wrong. If Madison Square Garden was like, look, yeah, we think you could sell it out. You want to do it? Everybody does it. But it does seem like a money play. Like, like Gabriel Iglesias we mentioned, he, he broke, broke the record. I mean, he sold out Dodgers Stadium like nine times or something. And it's just in like four minutes. And. But you're. I would say the same thing to him. I'm like, there's no way that's a good show for him.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Tough show.

[Pete Holmes]

You're up there and you're just like,

[Paul Chowdhury]

yeah, no subtleties, no facial expression. I had screens. So you have screens.

[Pete Holmes]

You gotta have screens. And they're all watching the screens. So even the people in the front

[Paul Chowdhury]

row are like, yeah, right. And then also when you talk somebody in the front, they'll pan to the front guy and then you got to wait for it to come back to you and then you got to think, oh, they're on the wrong person. So. But you talk to someone and that they, they get, they get a shot of somebody else that you're not even talking to. So, yes, it's very messy.

[Pete Holmes]

Where are you playing here?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Have you heard of a venue called Madison Square Garden Gardens? I'm doing New York as well.

[Pete Holmes]

But you're doing MSG in New York.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm doing a venue four miles from there.

[Pete Holmes]

I should. Why didn't I walk through? You open the door and I was like, this is the end. Of the joke.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's actually one of the jokes from the tour.

[Pete Holmes]

I took a crowbar and you're into the four miles from there. Where are you playing here?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, I'm doing the three.

[Pete Holmes]

If you start saying some corporate brands, I know it's huge.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm doing the three.

[Pete Holmes]

M presents Nokia at. And is this Hollywood Bowl?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Is that.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that. Is that a good. You're not doing the Hollywood bowl, are you?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Is it good? Is it bad?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm more of a Greek man myself.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you? No. See, this is tricky because I would believe that you're doing the Hollywood Bowl. Are you?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, sorry. Three clubs, three of clubs.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Paul Chowdhury]

The three clubs.

[Pete Holmes]

Three clubs, yeah. Is that real? I don't know why I looked at Katie. Katie, you take the rest off. I mean that we've reached three clubs.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Three clubs.

[Pete Holmes]

How many seats?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, it's a tiny room.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, tiny room.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, so you're doing like a. Like a regular. Yeah. Is this real?

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is now. This is real.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, that's great.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm playing it down from the Hollywood bowl. But leave for the edit. Can you leave the Hollywood Bowl?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. We'll actually end the episode there and we'll have it like. And then say, Chow Dream.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is gonna be as well received as the Chevy Chase documentary.

[Pete Holmes]

Did that come out?

[Paul Chowdhury]

That came out last week.

[Pete Holmes]

How were people mad?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I saw somebody because he says. She says, oh, so why do you. She asked him a question and he says, I can't answer that because even if I answer that, you're not going to understand what I say because you're not smart enough.

[Pete Holmes]

Cut that bit out, he says. He says, cut that bit out.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And they leave it in the edit because he didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

And let me guess what doesn't come up at the end of that documentary. Executive producer Chevy Chase. It says somebody else.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Have you worked with Chevy?

[Pete Holmes]

That's what happened to Michael.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Michael Richards.

[Pete Holmes]

Jackson.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Remember? He really got Chevy Chase.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm already using it as a Leaving Neverland.

[Pete Holmes]

No, the whole Jesus. Jews. Like, he really opened up to that guy. I forget his name. The documentarian. It doesn't matter.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

So should I watch this documentary?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Great. Really?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I mean, if you grew.

[Pete Holmes]

I did grow up with Chevy. She's never met him.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Fletch and.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Fletch. Oh, when I got my colonoscopy, they said, how tall are you? I said, I'm six, five and a half. But I say, six, six, and he went, six, eight. With The Afro?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I went. My colonoscopist made a Fletch reference. And I was like, I'm in the right hands. You can leave the tube up there, my man.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It wasn't a big film in the uk, Fletch. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was huge here.

[Pete Holmes]

Was it huge over here? It was, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

In the UK it was.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say something. It's gonna seem salacious, but it's not. Ryan Reynolds is doing Chevy Chase in Fletch. I'm not saying that like he's ripping him off. I'm saying he's the child of that style. Like he learned. Again, I'm not saying he's mimicking the documentary, is he?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm pretty sure he's in the documentary. Is that Ryan Reynolds?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying Ryan Reynolds, who I love, is doing a very similar. Similar. Very fast, very waspy, very. You know what I'm saying? Like, he could do Fletch is another way to say, yeah, he could be Fletch. But he's got that. Like, he always knows the angle. Yeah. A lot of people in movies don't know the angle. Chevy Chase's characters always knew what the joke was and would make a joke about the joke that you're joking. And that's what Ryan does. Very hyper conscious.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And National Lampoons as well.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna watch this. Do you watch the Eddie Murphy one?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, I watched that one.

[Pete Holmes]

It's great.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It didn't go into much detail. Great documentary.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, well, we all started it going, what are they going to say about the scandal?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess what it did say at the end of that one? Executive producer Eddie Murphy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Eddie Murphy, if you want the truth.

[Pete Holmes]

I was. I am doing a documentary about. When you write an hour, so you do both hours. I cut one of the hours. You know, you're trying to make an hour and another hour falls away. So we're doing this documentary called Kill youl Darlings about that document, about that lost hour. And they were like, you should direct it. I was like, you know what you can't see at the end of a documentary about Pete Holmes directed by Pete Holmes. That is fucking insane. It's like propaganda at that point.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's like an autobiography, isn't it?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why autobiographies were like, we're getting the real scoop.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When really you should be like, yeah, we're gonna hear your take on your life, on your life with your bias. But books get like, this is at least when I see an autobiography, I'm like, wow. It's like finding his schedule, his diary.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Did you read the Richard Pryor one?

[Pete Holmes]

He wrote a auto. I didn't know that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Was it good?

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was. It was. It was interesting, but it was. It was him. The Bill Hicks one.

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Didn't read that one.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Steve Martin read that one. That was good.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish it. When I read it, I was coming up and I was like, upset that he didn't seem to enjoy his success at all. And I was yelling at the book, bring your friends. Bring openers. Like he was grinding himself too far. But like, he sort of paved the way. He did. He did for arenas for Dane and Rock and all these guys.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But then the Charlie Sheen documentary didn't. Did you see that one on Netflix?

[Pete Holmes]

Didn't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So that. That he does go into stuff that you probably. And I don't think he was a producer on that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. And it's like, worth watching.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Then it's. He goes. But then you don't really know what. Because then you hear other things outside of the documentary.

[Pete Holmes]

We are in a post truth time, aren't we?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, everything's the truth now.

[Pete Holmes]

That's even worse.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You know, it's your truth.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just living my truth. That's my truth. It's my experience. Yeah, it's true. Well, fuck.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The thing is, everyone lives here where we're doing this podcast now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

All the people we're talking about in the Internet literally live within this. Oh, square mile.

[Pete Holmes]

I literally thought you were like this show where we are right now. Yeah, the Internet.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Everyone lives here. That's true, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it is. We're actually visiting the Internet.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's a really good metaphor for life

[Pete Holmes]

itself that we live in the.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We all live in.

[Pete Holmes]

In the Internet.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you don't have to be worried about those people living there, but they

[Paul Chowdhury]

all live in this area. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Charlie Sheen and stuff.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Charlie Sheen.

[Pete Holmes]

I would imagine they're more Beverly Hills, Santa Monica. So quite a ways from here.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm going to Beverly Hills as well.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, nice, nice.

[Paul Chowdhury]

How far is that from here?

[Pete Holmes]

Everything's an hour and a half. I would say allow an hour. Where you're going for Corolla is. It'll. It'll be like 40 minutes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Not bad.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Jeez.

[Pete Holmes]

And I like that show. Here's a tip. Don't be. Not that you would be, but I'd say this. Anybody. Don't be scared of that. I really think he's yeah. Like, he wants you to be funny and great. I'm not saying interrupt, but, like, it's. If you come and, like, around and do what you're doing, like, he wants that. Like, but he kind of. He puts on his reading glasses and he's doing the ads. Me on days. And it's easy to be like, am I in some sort of, like, weird extremist bunker show? It's not.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So Meundies also sponsors his podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't sponsor ours.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Me undies. You don't have on yours?

[Pete Holmes]

They did for years.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Just. That's not a sponsor. They don't do any UK podcasts.

[Pete Holmes]

I am wearing me undies.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Are they good?

[Pete Holmes]

They're fine.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Did you get them when they were sponsoring or did you. So you got.

[Pete Holmes]

I use my own promo code. But then somebody just came on and said, you shouldn't wear synthetic fabrics. We're back to the Old Testament prev.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So bamboo comb.

[Pete Holmes]

You should wear, like, cotton and all that sort of stuff.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's what, from trees?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. That's what they say. Because static electricity changes your. Blah, blah, blah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Let me ask you about the meaning of life.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Oh, this went by so fast.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What happened?

[Pete Holmes]

I just didn't think it was. It's been 90 minutes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I don't know what you're looking at.

[Pete Holmes]

I was, oh, there's a clock on the wall.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh, I thought somebody walked in.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so sorry. I hate that. It's in my new special, My wife. Whenever she looks at the phone, she goes, oh, no. And I'm always like, what? And she's always like, the guy from Bones isn't coming back to the show. God damn it. Like, I'm upset, so I just did that to you. I apologize.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Elvis. There's a new Elvis concert coming out. I think Baz Luhrmann has redigitalized one of the. There's a new documentary coming out.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That Baz Luhrmann has put together. Apparently, they found this footage while making the Elvis film. The Baz Luhrmann version.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And now that's going to be like, you've never seen him.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what they say.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's what they always say.

[Pete Holmes]

That is what they say. And you know what? I've never seen Elvis.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Elvis was the original two pack. There was so much material that came out after his death.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true. Tupac Cooler. I'm not saying I don't want anybody dying, but toilet death. Like, when I bring up Elvis in my house, Val will be like the guy who died on the toilet. Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It should have been a drive by.

[Pete Holmes]

It would have been cooler.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It would have been cooler and we

[Pete Holmes]

would have had a lot more.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm not glamorizing. I know it's. I know that's a problem in your country. Gun violence and drive by. Especially in la.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You guys are swiping mobiles, aren't you?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Because you guys are too lazy to get out of the car and approach someone. You'll just drive by.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Anything we can do Seated cinemas, drive by, drive through, drive in.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Anything where you don't have to get your fat asses.

[Pete Holmes]

Jazzies, Rascals. These are the scooters. You ride it like if you go to Disneyland, which I think you should.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I actually went.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I went a few days ago.

[Pete Holmes]

You enjoy it?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. I'll show you the pictures.

[Pete Holmes]

And did you see. I believe you.

[Paul Chowdhury]

RTD2. I see. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm more of a BB8 guy. But you see the people on the scooters and all love to all people, but you see a lot of. That's very America to me.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I saw the. The Empire Strikes Back in New York in 1980 as a little boy. No. I was only a couple of years younger than I am now. I went to the cinema to watch it.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. When I came. I've been coming to the. To America since the late 70s when New York was New York. Yeah, yeah, it was New York.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was a deprived.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like you didn't get a ticket to the movie. They stabbed you. But a little one, it's like. That's your admission.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I was. You're thinking I was a baby then. I was pretty much grown 12 by 1980. I was about 25 at the time.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Paul Chowdhury]

1980.

[Pete Holmes]

And okay, so that must have been huge.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Literally, it looked like Gotham City. That's what it looked like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. So I know it's over there. I'm not going to turn. I know it's over there.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You know what's there? This is your. This is your set. I like this. Yeah. Thanks. Because when you're watching, when you're in London listening to this podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You don't realize it comes out the other side of the headphones. Come on, stop. That's so bad.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You don't realize the budget and the very low. No. This is an incredible set.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, is it?

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is one of the nicest sets I've ever been to in someone's garage.

[Pete Holmes]

You're British, though. This Is impossible to know.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is an incredible.

[Pete Holmes]

This is just your. Well, breeding. Cold showers, boys school, Prince Philip. I can't know.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Soggy biscuits.

[Pete Holmes]

Soggy biscuits. You were raised on horseback.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You know the soggy biscuit is. Right. You know what soggy biscuit is?

[Pete Holmes]

Is it something like sloppy seconds?

[Paul Chowdhury]

No, it's when I don't even know we can say that anymore. No, in this current clay, you have

[Pete Holmes]

to say follow up ejaculate. I don't know. That's so much worse. I hated that The.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The. The prep school boys, you know, are soggy biscuits. Well, they used. They had a game called soggy Biscuits.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Ooky Cookie, we call it here.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So David Cameron, once.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm helping you.

[Paul Chowdhury]

There was. They.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you jizz on it?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, yeah. And then there was the David Cameron episode revolving the former prime minister who was responsible for Brexit at the time, and long story, but he. There was a black mirror episode that was about him when he fornicated with a pig's head.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wait, I saw that one. Yeah, yeah, it was on the news. Yeah, yeah, in the episode. Yeah, that was a good episode. Also Circle jerk.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which I believe you also have.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We don't have that. What's the circle jerk?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a Okie Cookie. But a cookie.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. So there's very.

[Pete Holmes]

Jerks. We were so broke in my house. We didn't do ookie cookie. We had to do circle jerks because we didn't have any money for cookies. I hate this riff. What I'm saying is Okie Cookie or Soggy Biscuit?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Biscuit.

[Pete Holmes]

If you don't have a biscuit, it's just a circle of guys jerking off and the last one to come loses. But you don't even get a cookie. At least in Okie Cookie, there's a disgusting cookie. Look, we started with gun violence. We're ending with Ooky Cookie.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This may be one of the best podcasts I've ever done in my career.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that right?

[Paul Chowdhury]

You know, I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

You're so well bred and well mannered. Everything is just a guy at Harrods. That's right, Harrods.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I wish I could afford Harrods.

[Pete Holmes]

Taking out some jewelry and telling me I look great in it. I don't know what's real.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Harrods has also been count. Not Harrods, but the former owner of Harrods, Mohammed Al Fayed, whose son was.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, I watched the Crown.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, the. Well, it was.

[Pete Holmes]

It was real.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The Crown was an adaptation of real life.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but no, it's the crown.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It happened. Some of it happened. Obviously Netflix say was adapted for television.

[Pete Holmes]

As a Brit I met the actor

[Paul Chowdhury]

who plays Muhammad Al Fayed. Long story short, Mohamed Al Fayed has been accused of multiple sexual crimes since.

[Pete Holmes]

Since that.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Since that.

[Pete Holmes]

The Harrods guy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So he's now he's dead, but he's also dead and cancelled. He's cancelled. He's already dead. So he's already cancelled. But he's double canceled.

[Pete Holmes]

Culture cancelled and cancelled. By God.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But not on the show because the edit had gone out before the allegations.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, he doesn't come off well on the show.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He comes off better than he does come off on the news.

[Pete Holmes]

Worse on the news then because he's kind of seems like responsible for a Diana on the news on the show.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. There's elements of.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, not responsible grooming. Yeah. Some grip. Done it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We've done it. I actually, I have a Muhammad Al Fayed joke and a crown joke in my last special, which I've sent you. Not that you're going to want to see it now, but there's a crowd.

[Pete Holmes]

I've had my fill, haven't I?

[Paul Chowdhury]

My joke on the crown was. I don't know if we can crowbar this joke in.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's do it is.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I was watching a. I was watching a show on Netflix about a family that live in a council house, a big council house in London council estate. They'll kill members of their own family if they have a disabled child. They just get rid of them. You know what the show's called?

[Pete Holmes]

The Crown.

[Paul Chowdhury]

There you go.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is why you're a comic.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, anyone. We all knew.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you said.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But. But you would never discuss that. So if you were to do it on stage, you would never discuss the crown prior to that?

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. That would be your way into your crown.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Oh my God. He just. How did he get there?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The royal family. I never understood it. We don't have time to go.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We have the Royal Variety Performance.

[Pete Holmes]

What's that?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Where they. It's like a showcase of music, singers. There's all kinds of people. And a stand up will do 10 minutes on the show for free. Oof. But then a member of the royal family will watch the show. I interviewed Prince Andrew. It's on YouTube.

[Pete Holmes]

Instead of the light, do they give

[Paul Chowdhury]

you a big shimmering jewel from India that was stolen? Most of it's been stolen from other countries.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, what a loss. You guys all have tea biscuits.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I think Tea was also stolen.

[Pete Holmes]

Basque cheesecake was stolen. Yeah. It's atrocious out there. You know what I mean?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, colonization or just the whole planet.

[Pete Holmes]

But then it's hard to be nuanced and go like, there's a lot of bad and there's good, and then there's bad and then there's good. You know, you throw the whole thing away. I'm not here to say I can't defend. I'm not going to talk about world politics.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But as we speak, the Trump has taken and arrested the Venezuelan Prime Minister.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And now he says in inverted commas, he's going to run the country.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Isn't that a form of colonization in. In modern day?

[Pete Holmes]

I look to Katie. Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Just then I say it with like.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, just want to check because you may have had a different take on it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that sounds correct to me.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Okay. I'm Crab stroll.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not very. I know that happened. So the reason I'm getting a little quiet.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't because I love Trump.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Trump.

[Pete Holmes]

It's because I don't want to riff in a way that I don't understand.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. It's tricky because the thing about England is we know about world politics.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Whereas you don't care about the world outside of America. That's where you have the World Series, apparently.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The World Series, which takes place in

[Pete Holmes]

America with an American sport.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very funny. Is that a bit.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm sure it's just a thing, isn't it? Within the.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on. Look, some guy on Reddit says his pronouns are he and the World Series is. And we have the UN which is where the world meets.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're like, you come to New York.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, which. Which people like Bush and Tony Blair didn't abide by during the Iraq war.

[Pete Holmes]

Which we still don't. Right.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I mean, even though you're being told, you don't seem to follow the rules,

[Pete Holmes]

which is very American.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm not trying to insult your country. I do love America. I just need to say that. But.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you probably had, like, a meal that blew your horrible teeth away 20 minutes ago while watching. I don't know. You're wearing American shoes. Well, yeah, that seemed defensive. I just meant, like, that's true. That's true. America. But they were made in. Who knows?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, they're made. They're not made in America. I don't want to say where they were made. But these are a collaboration with.

[Pete Holmes]

Just say Crystally. I mean, that's a callback. By the way.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to listen to the whole episode.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's around here somewhere, right?

[Pete Holmes]

Beverly Hills.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's doing. He's doing. Well, his cancellation helped.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. They canceled.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's got a podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's Neil Brennan's joke. He goes, no one's been canceled.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah, no one has been.

[Pete Holmes]

No one was canceled. That's not entirely true. Some were. God, you told me you were, like, a cool guy. There's a helicopter. Bring him in, Mike.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Bring in the troops.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, boy. Yeah, this.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, look, if this was a setup to arrest you, what a scam that I made you do the podcast first.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. Were you saying this was ice? That we're about to turn up?

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't do an ice riff. It's too sad.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's too.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but also, he was doing a general year. I didn't know who you are. You're a bad guy. The cops are there.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And I was trying to do a thing where I was bringing in the British army, but it kind of clashed.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, let's close with this. I go to London. You're promoting me. What would you tell me? I asked Russell the same thing.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna perform there. What do I need?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Russell Howard.

[Pete Holmes]

Russell Howard.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What do I. What is different? I'm an American. I'm gonna go up. I'm gonna be nervous. I would be nervous to perform in a different country. Are you gonna. You are gonna kill.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm your Colonel Sanders. Oh, Colonel Sanders, for the references, was Elvis's manager, who charged him 50 50, which was why he had such a bad. But then, if you look at it

[Pete Holmes]

now, wait, it's not Colonel Sanders. It's Colonel. The Colonel.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The Colonel. So Colonel Sanders, kfc.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Made me the Colonel. The Colonel was his manager.

[Pete Holmes]

I was ready to go.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. I don't know why I stuck Sanders at the end of that.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it because we're hungry. It's lunch. It is lunchtime.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But now, if you look at the. The commission, if I were gonna meet

[Pete Holmes]

you, it would be for fried chicken.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I want you to know I'm. I'm gonna take you up on the offer, bruv. I would have even had you at my show, on the show, but I couldn't follow you. I wouldn't even put you on my show because I couldn't follow you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's very sweet.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You're such a strong comedian. You are a man of the people and a true American.

[Pete Holmes]

See, I never know where the bit ends, but here's what I'M gonna say, I'm telling you the truth. I'm gonna hold in my heart that you're like, this is the best podcast I've ever done and that I'm the best, and you can follow me. And I'd sell out a huge, I

[Paul Chowdhury]

think, if you came. So the question was that if you come to England.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. How? Just give me a little advice. What's different? You're coming here, so just reverse it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You just reverse it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but what are you. What do you. What do you. What do you mean? Here? Can I guess? You got to be rougher with them. You have to show them that you don't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah. Somebody's gonna yell, oi, oi, oi. And it doesn't mean anything. Your shit, mate.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I'm assuming. Thanks so much. Yo, shit, mate. My biggest fan says. And then I write, oh, I guess he's from Wrangell. I need to know. Some town, some small town.

[Paul Chowdhury]

He's from Wrangell.

[Pete Holmes]

Wrangell.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Interesting English town.

[Pete Holmes]

He's from Worcestershire.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Where you from, man? Rango,

[Pete Holmes]

you're from the town where they filmed the holiday, which here means an event on the calendar, not an extended period of relaxation, Right?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. Because when people come in to. If I see an American in the

[Pete Holmes]

audience, you say, are you on holiday?

[Paul Chowdhury]

I say, what are you doing in England? And they'll say, I'm on vacation.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's called oliday, mate. It's called holiday. When you come to our country, learn our language.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. It's not. It's a bum bag.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because fanny pack means you.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Minj. Fanny pack. A Minj. We don't know this term here.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't have mine.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So fanny and Minj are.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't have Minj. But if you say, and she stuck it right up her fanny, we'd think ass. Whereas Minj. I think you can tell what Minj is.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She stuck it right up her minge. I'd be like, it doesn't sound like ass to me.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It's an interesting conclusion to this podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Katie's face, by the way, she's not very impressed. Katie, I really leaned on you more, but when I said, that doesn't sound like her ass, I looked at. Quite comfortable with.

[Paul Chowdhury]

This is the only podcast you might not put out.

[Pete Holmes]

There have been a couple we haven't released.

[Paul Chowdhury]

All right. This thing might be one of them.

[Pete Holmes]

Paul, have a great show tonight. You know, I've enjoyed every moment.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I want to say what I can't. And a privilege.

[Pete Holmes]

No. What you mean? Guess what? I'm gonna rappel down before you go on stage tonight and do 40 minutes. I can't fuck with you just to fuck with you.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm on the next flight home. Did you say I was stuck in home at the end?

[Pete Holmes]

Holmes. Pete Holmes.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I'm on the next flight, homes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm Pete. All right, guys. Pete. Pete out. Like, peace out.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete out.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You are a legend in our lifetime.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

And it was a real honor and I'm gonna say it to camera, please. And a privilege to be on the Adam Corolla Experience. What's this podcast called?

[Pete Holmes]

It's called the Diary in parentheses, not journal. Schedule of a CEO by former freestyle rap quitter Stephen. What's his name?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Stephen Bartlett.

[Pete Holmes]

Bartlett.

[Paul Chowdhury]

What an honor and a privilege it was to be here.

[Pete Holmes]

Different part of London now.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Is it? Yeah. Now he's become a lot more middle class.

[Pete Holmes]

O.

[Paul Chowdhury]

The middle class of the rich people. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You guys have a middle class.

[Paul Chowdhury]

We have middle classes.

[Pete Holmes]

How quaint.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But you can buy your way into that in America. You can become middle class in the class system restrains you from buying your way into wealth in England because with

[Pete Holmes]

the middle class is wealth.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Wealth and links to aristocracy to some degree.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Upper classes say so upper classes are. You know, they have a lineage.

[Pete Holmes]

I see you still do that stuff. Yeah, I guess we do. We just don't talk. We don't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Because we were. Well, originally colonized and.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean Indian Brits. Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

So what? My families.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

When it was in one country, India. And then it became India Pakistan. Partition.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Family fled, became refugees. Immigrated to England in the 60s. Now this is a. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then the splits don't like each other then.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Then. Yes. Generally any division or call or. Or partition within a country leads to. Is to. Due to colonization.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Roots which if you go back to the British army, they'll just get a map and they'll just stick a line. They stuck a line down the middle of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah. They didn't even look at. They just stuck there. So they have alpha. That's how India Pakistan happened.

[Pete Holmes]

But then they hate each other after the fact.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well, then there was civil war because, like, who belongs? Who has what? And then. Get out of your.

[Pete Holmes]

And is that a conspiracy? It's like, we'll do this. They'll start fighting each other. It'll kind of solve.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Well then at the time.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that. In our final moment. Yeah. Winston didn't give a famous.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Let them deal with it themselves

[Pete Holmes]

not the same. But New Zealand, Australia comes to mind. Tim Lynching.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Tim Minchin comes to mind.

[Pete Holmes]

His unmentionables.

[Paul Chowdhury]

But it was an honor.

[Pete Holmes]

I hated that way. I hated it. Thank you for ignoring it again.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I can't wait to come back onto this podcast. I literally flew. I did a tour around this podcast. I. This podcast. I. I only did the podcast. I did the tour to get this podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you're speaking. You're having a. You're winding me up. You're having a laugh.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Having a bit of a laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Having a bit of a laugh. Oh, yeah.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I thought it was a comedy podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

It is. Wow. I'm mad at you for having a laugh. And then you're like, do you ever

[Paul Chowdhury]

do that when people are laughing and you try to get them and they're laughing too much and you're like, can you stop laughing? And you're at a comedy show.

[Pete Holmes]

There is a way to heckle by laughing.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a way to laugh that's in your own bubbles. It could be a heckle and it becomes disruptive. It becomes disruptive and I would prefer. I'll take any sound, but don't do this at my show. I can't ignore it. I'll go. I'd rather you just sit it out.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Have you had that?

[Pete Holmes]

It happens sometimes. I hate it. That sort of like. Like. I'm sorry, am I tiring you? Like I'm anyone this. Don't get me started. Thanks for being here. We had the guests say, keep it crispy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Did you see away?

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That was.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought it was real, though.

[Paul Chowdhury]

It was. It was a callback.

[Pete Holmes]

It was very nice. We say keep it crispy. It doesn't mean keep it French fry. Y awful.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You made it weird, bruv.

[Pete Holmes]

You say keep it crispy to end. It's just how we end. It's not a trap. It doesn't.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Keep it crispy. Is that.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your American.

[Paul Chowdhury]

That's my American accent.

[Pete Holmes]

Try to sound as much like me as you can. Keep it crispy.

[Paul Chowdhury]

Keep it crispy.

[Pete Holmes]

That sounded like I have a bigger dick than I do. Like you. You increased my girth.

[Paul Chowdhury]

You got big dick energy.

[Pete Holmes]

You've got big dick. You just did me and my dick got bigger. So. So who's got the bde? Thank you. I think you did enjoy it.

[Paul Chowdhury]

I Love.

[Pete Holmes]

Story Pirates is the number one podcast for kids and families in the world and the newest addition to the Lebonada Media network. We take stories written by real kids and turn them into sketch comedy and songs featuring professional actors, famous guests, and original music. So get ready to light up your kids imaginations with a show that you'll also enjoy. The Story Pirates Podcast new season coming November 6th.