Taylor Tomlinson #3

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: Taylor Tomlinson #3 (February 18, 2026)
Podcast Theme: Everybody has secret weirdness, Pete Holmes gets comedians to share theirs.

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Episode Overview

In her third appearance on 'You Made It Weird,' comedian Taylor Tomlinson joins Pete Holmes for a vibrant, candid, and laughter-filled conversation. The pair dig deep into Taylor’s upcoming Netflix special "Prodigal Daughter," the intricacies of religious material in comedy, the comedy grind, the weirdness of promoting yourself online, and candid insights about dating as comedians. They share personal philosophies, insecurities, and process, toggling between spiritual musings, industry shop talk, and gut-busting bits about family, faith, and relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Taylor’s New Special: "Prodigal Daughter"

• Release: February 24, Netflix.
• Pete’s Praise: Pete repeatedly calls it her best hour yet, commending Taylor’s honesty, joke density, and her ability to excavate comedic "diamonds" from her upbringing.
  • “It’s phenomenal. Effortless, but clearly the result of effort.” (08:44)

Religion, Family, and Personal Growth

• Taylor discusses how this special is less about religion itself and more about her relationship to her religious upbringing and family still within it.
  • “I think it’s more about who I am in relation to my religious upbringing...” (10:50)
• The duo riff on Bible stories as childhood folklore—questioning their role in children’s education and poking fun at the sanitized versions.
  • “So Noah, God kills everybody on earth... why is this the mural in the preschool?” – Pete (06:10)

Material Development & Tag-Stealing in Comedy

• The two dissect the underground world of comics swapping tags (joke punch-ups), the ethics of attribution, and how "special thanks" in comedy specials matter.
  • “LA’s dirty secret... we all have Scar brother tags!” – Pete (05:31)
  • Taylor shares, “Every time somebody says, ‘I love that line,’ I go, that wasn’t me. Because I feel like I have to... honest.” (07:17)

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2. Religion and Comedy: Shared History, Different Takes

• Both comics grew up religious—Taylor in a devout Christian household, Pete with similar influences—and examine the overlap with their on-stage material.
• They celebrate being able to now treat past anger with compassion, using comedy for transcendence instead of revenge.
  • “What’s weird is it’s never as interesting as the person who’s gone full circle and goes, ‘it all belongs.’” – Pete (109:42)

Notable Bit: The Christmas Story

• Comparing Jesus’ New Testament origin as anticlimactic to a Marvel end-credits scene.
  • “Jesus is barely in the Christmas story. He’s like the end credits scene in a Marvel movie.” – Pete (16:04)

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3. Stand-Up Craft: Jokes, Structure, and Social Media

• Taylor reveals her meticulous outlining process for joke-heavy sets.
  • “Your jokes have like 75... you really pack them in.” – Pete (93:08)
  • “My set lists are longer than maybe a lot of people’s...” – Taylor (93:40)
• Both discuss the change in the stand-up landscape with social media clips, their evolution from skepticism to embracing online content.
  • “To just retire a bit into a black hole – now I post it.” – Pete (42:15)
• They debate whether audiences care if they’ve seen a joke online, landing on the idea that most people just want to see the comedian do what they do.
  • “No one cares what song Elvis plays. They just want to see Elvis.” – Garry Shandling, quoted by Pete (44:03)

Vulnerabilities & Comedy Truth

• The importance of honesty in jokes—and asking “Do I actually feel that way?” instead of just chasing the laugh.
  • “If you’re saying things that you don’t believe or aren’t true to who you are, even if they work, nobody’s seeing you.” – Taylor (48:19)
• The magic of cutting jokes that aren’t authentic, even if they "kill."

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4. Comedy & Dating: Expectations, Core Insecurities, and Finding Your People

• Taylor and Pete compare notes on how performing and stage personas influence personal lives and dating.
  • Taylor: “I can be good and impressive for 90 minutes far away. But if you get me at a party, I’m horrible.” (59:02)
  • Pete: “One of my core negative beliefs is I’m too much. Then I also have I’m not enough. It’s a real Vitamix of flavors.” (59:14)
• They agree that true partners delight in your quirks, and it’s healthiest to “slow gas leak who you are” rather than firehosing someone with your everything on date one.
  • “If they don’t pass out, that’s your person.” – Pete (66:31)

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5. Tech & Generational Angst: AI, Porn, and What Changes (and Doesn't)

• Comedy bits and honest fears about AI companionship, ChatGPT, and how kids or even adults will become emotionally attached to “empathetic” chatbots.
  • “Everybody’s lonely... wanted to update [ChatGPT] to just say, that was great. And that’s the beginning.” – Pete (83:05)
• Awkwardness and personal boundaries regarding online adult content, and acceptance that formative wiring is hard to shake.
  • Taylor: “I can’t undo everything that was done... I used to feel bad that I couldn’t have sex with people quicker... and now I’m like, this is just how I’m wired.” (81:12)

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6. Full Circle on Faith and Community

• The value, limits, and evolution of faith communities—finding spaces for realness, acceptance, and brokenness, versus spaces for appearance.
  • Taylor shares that her new material is a "love letter" to the family members doing Christianity right: “...finding a way to do an hour about religion that was like, hey, I’m not a Christian and I’m not religious, but I think it’s okay if you are, as long as you’re not doing it this up way.” (108:56)
• Reflection on how growth & authenticity are the more “holy” thing for comedians than just being “clean.”
  • “Keeping that secret is more of a missing the mark to me than being authentic and being like—sometimes I just think it.” – Pete (105:57)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Comedy:

• "The worst feeling – you get offstage and you’re like, goddammit, I forgot the whole... and it’s usually the first show of the weekend." – Pete (95:29)
• "You can get too old or just old enough for a joke. Like, I’ve had jokes I had to grow into and jokes that I grew out of." – Taylor (49:45)

On Personal Growth:

• "I just don’t want to grow anymore. I get why older people are like, I’m not changing the words I say... I’m tired of trying to be better all the time." – Taylor (81:52)

On Finding Your People:

• "You want to find someone who—what’s annoying about me, she thinks is amazing." – Pete (62:22)

On AI & Loneliness:

• "If you don’t think you’re watching porn, you are. Everything’s porn." – Taylor (81:01)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:19 – Inside joke/tag sharing & the LA comedy scene
• 05:56 – Joke attribution, “special thanks,” and ethics
• 08:44 – Pete’s praise for Taylor’s special and her craft
• 16:04 – The Christmas Story, Bible stories as bad origin tales
• 37:27 – Posting comedy clips, vulnerability online
• 48:19 – Stand-up half-truths, creative honesty
• 59:00 – Dating as a comedian, the “on” persona, and insecurity
• 66:31 – “Slow gas leak” philosophy of dating
• 83:05 – ChatGPT, the beginnings of AI emotional dependency
• 105:57 – Authenticity vs. clean comedy as “holiness”
• 108:56 – Taylor’s "love letter" to family doing faith right

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Flow & Tone

The conversation flows loose but deep, shifting from playful bits to stark honesty—sardonic, reflective, sometimes irreverent, but always respectful of the inner weirdness. The banter is densely packed with jokes, callbacks, off-the-cuff wisdom, and threads of mutual admiration. Neither avoids hard truths or big ideas, but the irrepressible urge to laugh is always close at hand.

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In Summary

This episode is a must-listen for anyone who loves stand-up comedy, grew up religious, or wrestles with how to be authentic in public. Both Taylor and Pete model the art of mining personal history for comedy, balancing self-critique, compassion, and the collective weirdness that brings people together—on stage, online, or just in the comments. Their warmth and openness remind us that being "too much" or "not enough" is the baseline for being uniquely human, and the best comedy digs into the dirt to remind us we’re not alone.

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Key Quote to End:
"If they don’t pass out, that’s your person." – Pete Holmes (66:31)

Taylor Tomlinson: Prodigal Daughter debuts 2/24/26 on Netflix. Don’t miss it.

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(All timestamps MM:SS. Quotes attributed for clarity.)

Transcript

[A]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. What's happening, weirdos? This is the third appearance of one of my favorite people and, and absolute favorite comedians, Taylor Tomlinson, who has a new special. Let me make sure I got the date absolutely right. It's February 24th. It will be dropping on netflix.com it's a website, it's called Prodigal Daughter and it is, and this is saying a lot. It's her best one yet. You need to check it out. Especially if you like this show. You'll probably relate to a lot of it. She's fantastic. I'm so glad she's here. Let's get to it as quickly as possible. But be sure to, you know, set a reminder for February 24th just coming up. Prodigal Daughter on Netflix. I am on the tour. I'm on the Tour. Go to PeteHomes.com we have Miami, we have Los Angeles, we have Royal Oaks, Michigan, Irving, Texas, Madison, Wisconsin and Denver, Colorado. We also have the rescheduled north and South Carolina dates which will be on Pete Holmes or I'm going to email them right now. It's on peteholmes.com right now. So hope to see that reschedule. And sorry again to have to move that one due to illness. In the meantime, enjoy a chat with my wonderful friend Taylor Tomlinson. She returns. Returns. Get into it.

[B]

Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me, the show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor and their hard earned wisdom. And every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on it all. Wiser Than Me from Lemonada Media is out now, wherever you get your podcasts.

[A]

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns. And I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right? Yeah. And look at us now like we're all grown up. We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown up stuff and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part, it's about you. I mean, it's always been about you. From Lemonada Media Alive with Steve burns is coming September 17th. Wherever you get your podcasts or you can watch every episode on YouTube. Oh my God.

[B]

Which was great because I listened to your Jeff Foxworthy episode you did on the way. Yeah, it was really good.

[A]

You liked It.

[B]

I did like it. What I loved about it, it was so. It was so just like, it was when I was listening to. I was like, oh, this is like the type of podcast that when it came out when I was like, 17, I would have been like, oh, my God, I have to take notes. Like, it was so, like, stand up. Heavy. Like, how to do stand up.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

And it was like, yeah. I mean, I know how to do it now, but if. I'm kidding, I was like. I was like, if I didn't know how to do it, this.

[A]

Yeah, I was really surpr. Guys, you don't mind if we just. You've done.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Are we starting three?

[A]

This is the third time.

[B]

Okay, wait, I changed my voice.

[A]

You started doing Bobcat Goldthrite.

[B]

Huh? Oh, my God. Are we starting? Hey.

[A]

Do the bit. Do the bit. It's actually funny because when I. I just said, tum over the fence, and you said hello or whatever, you said.

[B]

Yeah. You weren't paying attention.

[A]

Stories about me, you weren't listening.

[B]

You're like, I was. I was still Pete Holmes outside.

[A]

Oh, the worst. You said hello or something. And I was just watching your. Phenomenal.

[B]

Oh, did you watch it?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, thank you. We were just watching it.

[B]

I feel bad when I'm promoting something because I'm like. And there's homework.

[A]

I know. No, never. In fact, it's like, it's a great excuse to hang out and see you. I'm happy to see you. And I mean, like, I have dear friends put out specials, and sometimes I don't watch them if there isn't some. Do it now. So I like the reason that. I guess I'll say, the excuse to watch something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I. It's phenomenal.

[B]

Thank you. That means a lot.

[A]

Really phenomenal.

[B]

I almost sent it to you before because I remember we were at Largo, and you were like, hey, if you want me to watch it, I'll watch it. And I almost sent it to you, but it was too early on. And then we got closer to the special, and I was like, should I send this to Pete? And then I was like, he probably didn't mean it. Like, he's busy. I know. I'm sure he did me, but I was like, he's busy. I don't want to. Like, I actually do that because I know you would have watched it. I would have, but I didn't want to put that on you.

[A]

But when it was done, when it.

[B]

Was, like, close to filming, about to film. Yeah. Also, honestly, I Had like, I had gotten like four great tags from various friendships and I was like, I can't have any more great tags that aren't mine. That's true. Did you forget there?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you're like, this is.

[A]

I have a Sclar brother limit.

[B]

I. And I have a Scar brother tag in there. Yeah. And it's so good.

[A]

We all have. That's the LA's dirty secret. We all have Scar brother tag.

[B]

I think we were on their show together, right?

[A]

Yeah, that's what it was.

[B]

Yeah. Cuz I also. I asked you my opening joke. I remember it was super early on. It was when I had like 20 minutes of the special and I was like, do you have a joke about your phone capitalizing the G and God. Cuz I was so sure that you did. And you were like, no, I don't have it. And I was like, oh, thank you.

[A]

Have a lot of promises and that. You know, this is the truest compliment where I'm like, damn it really mad.

[B]

I.

[A]

But in a way that I'm like, no, that's on me. It was right. Noah's Ark. Come on.

[B]

Well, I'm sure that's been done.

[A]

No, I don't think so. That's what Katie and I really just watching and we were like, I don't. So Noah, God kills everybody on earth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not ruining the bit, but you're pointing out, like, why Is this the mural in the preschool?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or the Sunday school.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like a brutal. It's one of the, like. It's one of my go tos of like. Just so you know, we're not talking about this. God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like the just.

[B]

This isn't. My guy just shook it up.

[A]

Just the do over. That would have been a good tag.

[B]

That would have been. And that's what I knew was gonna happen today. I knew you were gonna say some shit. But then. But here's the problem. You give me Etch A Sketch, then the special comes out and I do a bunch of press and they go, we love that Etch A Sketch line. And I have to go. And you know who wrote that? Not me.

[A]

Nope, nope.

[B]

You absolutely do.

[A]

Once a joke goes and I don't have a lot of lines I've given people I wish I had more clearly. But like it. We go. We'd never have to speak of it again.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Never.

[B]

Oh, I always do when people are like, yes. No. I don't know.

[A]

I don't want the credit as a dirty thing.

[B]

I forget when I Give someone a tag.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But when someone gives me one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Every time somebody says, I love that line, I go, that wasn't me. Because I feel like I have to. Yeah. I feel like I'm honest.

[A]

I. Chris Fairbanks.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. He.

[A]

I was doing. It's the closer of my last special. Not the one that's about to. Who cares?

[B]

That's why we're here. I know.

[A]

But I do have a special about to come out. So it's not that one, but the one before who cares? I'm not for everybody. The closer, Chris Fairbanks was in the green room at dynasty typewriter and was like, if you. If a guy jerks off, that's double gay. You're giving a guy a hand job. And I was like, can I have that?

[B]

Can I have that? I was like, can I have it?

[A]

And he was like, of course. And I was like, I had all the other stuff. I just didn't have the final. Like, that's the close of the special. So you have to. Here we are, Chris Fairbanks.

[B]

And here we are.

[A]

Nailed it. He's in the special. Thanks. But is that enough?

[B]

No.

[A]

Is that enough? When you go to the monetary value of giving.

[B]

I went back and forth on the special. Every time I have a special about my whole team sends me a Can you go over the special thanks four times and make sure we got people?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, does anyone care about being in the special thing?

[A]

Yeah, people do.

[B]

They do. Okay, great. Okay, good.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Okay. I've been in special thanks. And I didn't care. So I, I. I don't know.

[A]

I know you mean. Yeah, it's a big who cares?

[B]

And then I'm scared.

[A]

Like, I. I over forget people. I work on the special. Thanks more than I work on the jokes. True. But I do want to say that, like, there's something really special going on with this. God help us with this hour. Ooh. I did it. I removed the word special. You. It. It's like, effortless. But it's clearly the result of effort.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

And I really love seeing that. And it's like, what? I mean, so, like, you're going, okay, who am I? I'm Taylor. I was raised like this. I used to be this. These are the things I know. Like, you grow up in a culture in a way, and you don't even know what you are. You've really done the work of laying it out and going, yeah, all right, this. And then you're going, okay. I know this is so stupid, but it's almost over. What are the jokes then that are available to me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And when you're doing these, like the Jesus stuff, the Christmas stuff, the Easter stuff, I'm like, it wasn't jealousy, but it was like, oh my God, that was there. And you did the sweat. You dug and looked. And I know that's our job, but a lot of us are just playing grab ass up there. Like, I'm going like, what's on my mind today? And you're like, no, I'm gonna dig and find diamonds.

[B]

Well. Cause I mean, the religious stuff, you know, I'm scared there was gonna be overlap with other people. I went back and watched a bunch of your stuff. Cause I was like, I hope I don't really. Yeah, I did. Cuz like, obviously I've like, seen so much of your stuff. I listened to your podcast growing up and I was like, oh man, I hope I don't have any overlap with Pete. And I didn't want to send you the hour to go. Can you make sure that I would app. Yeah, I know you would have, but I was like, I almost did. And then I went, no, just go watch his stuff again and make sure I would. So I watched a bunch of your specials and I was like, oh, thank.

[A]

I actually got. My approach to religious stuff is more like, let's talk about the meaning or something. Like some sort of take. I would say some sort of interpretation.

[B]

What's funny is I think this special is less about religion and it's more about my relationship with my family, who is still religious.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like, I think it's more about who I am in relation to my religious upbringing as opposed to like. Yeah, you. You do a lot of like. Like, what's the joke about? It's. It's just as crazy that there's nothing. Yeah, it's more like magical nothing or magical God. Yes, yes, yes.

[A]

We're kind of. It's really. I love. We use it, by the way.

[B]

It's subtle, but you go like philosophical.

[A]

I don't like the nothing people. I don't like the God. I just don't like confidence. It's such a great line. You're really. I don't know, you're surprising and somehow giving us what we want. Like, I want to know your take and you'll hide it in between moments. And the fucking. The real ring a ding dinger was when you were like, when a Christian swears to show you they're cool.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I was like, oh, that it didn't hurt. I'm just trying to give you the purest compliment, which is when you're like, I want that. I want that bit.

[B]

And that was another one that I was searching for in your special where I go, did Pete write this already? Yes, because it's right there. And I was like, shit's fucked up, guys.

[A]

Alec is so. And the funny thing about my style, like, you're really. Gatling gun, like, undeniable. Just like a very proficient, hilarious, polished standup. I'm more indulgent. I would have found a way to do that bit for six minutes. I would have. I'm not.

[B]

You're like my only note. Little short.

[A]

No, it's indulgent. It's like once you have the premise that Christians swear to use your. Like they're doing a trick on a skateboard, like, they want to show you that they can be groovy or whatever. Yeah, I just would have done it. Nothing would have been gained. It wouldn't have been funnier or better. I just couldn't resist myself. That's how I know a joke is great. Like, Rory Scoville has the joke about how the apostles names are just like, really, really. We're just in fucking the Bible. And people are like, get Thomas. When I saw him do that, I was very mad. Again, in the compliment sort of way. But you're doing it. I feel like there's a certain maturity where you're like, I don't know. I feel like there's an immaturity to going, oh, you want me to talk about that? Well, I'm not gonna. You know what I mean? And you're doing it. Going, like I said the same thing about Jeff Foxworthy, who you brought up. Jeff is like, you want to have a good time? Let's get go. Let's get to it. I'll. I'll even do. I'm not saying you're doing a. The redneck thing, but he's going like, you think of me this way, but I'm going to sneak some really great comedy in here. But in that avenue that you want me to be in. And we. I'm watching you as a fan. I want you to talk about your religion and your upbringing, and you're doing it interesting, but in a way to like, sneak in what you want to do.

[B]

But you know what's funny is I don't know if everyone wants me to talk about it.

[A]

Oh, interesting. You know, you tell me.

[B]

I mean, because your fans definitely want you to talk about it, right? As a fan of yours I want you to talk about it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But that's because I also grew up with it. Right. So of course I want you to talk about it because it's what we have in common. But there's, I'm sure, lots of people who watch my stuff. Who. And it's. We'll see what people think. We're. We're.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It comes out in three weeks when we're recording this. So maybe every bit. Thank you. Maybe everyone hates it. We don't know. We're in the past.

[A]

But that's what's so interesting. Even in the show, a lot of the people aren't religious and they're still on board.

[B]

It's true. I mean, I did when this hour worked in Europe, which, you know, a lot of them were like, we're atheists. Like, we don't care about this.

[A]

Long, thin cigarettes.

[B]

Yeah. And so I was like, oh, if it works over here, like, I, I feel confident that it's going to work most places and like doing it in ultra conservative places as well. And it still worked. But, like, there are plenty of people who are like, are we still talking about God? Because this, this special is like half of it's about religion and God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then it's like some stuff about death and then I'm gay. And that's it. There's only three topics.

[A]

God, death, gay.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Good night.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then God again at the end, just in case you forgot.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But it's a lot of religion and I think there are going to be people who start it and go, like, I just don't care about this and that's fine, but.

[A]

Well, I would be the last person to identify with that group.

[B]

Right, Exactly.

[A]

So I'm, I'm like, I don't know, but, like, don't listen.

[B]

I was sneaking stuff in. I was weaving jokes throughout the religious parts to keep those people there, I guess. Yeah, maybe not.

[A]

But you do a great job about that.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Like, when you're doing the Christmas stuff. I'm sorry, I just want to ruin all the best lines. But it's like Jesus. Jesus is barely in the Christmas story. He's like the end credits scene in a Marvel movie.

[B]

Like, he bad.

[A]

It's a bad Jesus story.

[B]

Yeah. They put him on the poster and he's.

[A]

You want to. The ultimate Jesus. He's not in it. He's not in it. It's an origin story. Black.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

It's over. So, so good. And then. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

[B]

What Were we talking about the Christmas story and Jesus? Imagine if all of Spider man was just everyone going, spider Man's coming.

[A]

It's so bad. They had to invent a Nordic grandpa. It sucks so much. It fizzled out and people were glazing over and they're like. And there's a magic man who lives in the ice place. And everyone's like, hey, that's how much it sucks. Yeah, it's. Keep the Christ in Christmas. Get the Christ out of Christmas. It fucking sucks. We want Santa. It's Santa.

[B]

Miss? Yeah.

[A]

You get it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I forget where we were going, but.

[B]

Did you watch that movie, Journey to Bethlehem? The musical? No, about Christmas? No, there is a musical and it's not bad.

[A]

Oh, it's surprise.

[B]

It's. They made a musical called Journey to Bethlehem about the Christmas story. And I think the main guy in it who plays Joseph. Well, not the main guy, he's Joseph. Yeah, yeah, but he. It's about Joseph and Mary and more.

[A]

About Joseph than Joseph is in.

[B]

More of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You gotta have more Joseph. Jesus in the Christmas play was a bag of flour. Joseph was a kid in a bathrobe. We need a Joseph. Like a living, breathing Joseph.

[B]

Tough calls.

[A]

Making tough calls.

[B]

Tough, tough calls.

[A]

Don't let me derail you. I have something else about Christmas to talk to you.

[B]

No, tell me, tell me. I won't forget.

[A]

You won't?

[B]

I won't forget.

[A]

Well, there's a theory that the reason why Jesus preached so much about fathers is because he was known to be a bastard.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because Joseph got Mary pregnant. That's one way to look at it. They can't say that. Whatever. So he was. And like, this is in what's his name? I'm blanking on his name. It's in the Gospel According to Jesus. Stephen Levine, Steven Levine wrote this brilliant thing and he's like. If you look at Jesus gospel, like his preaching, he's obsessed with the father relationship. He's obsessed with the outcast, the Sumerian, like, people being full. So he would have been raised as a child. Even if. Let's say the virgin birth is a thing. Let's say that was real. No one's buying it. No one would believe that. Oh, really? Your dad's God? Sure, sure. Nobody was horny on the hay, right? So Jesus would have grown up and they were saying being a bastard, not having a father out of wedlock, not being like a family in that way would have been like the worst thing. Like, back in those days.

[B]

Do you think There are people who thought Joseph was his dad, but they just fucked before they got married.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Okay, that is what you're saying.

[A]

That is what I'm saying, is that Joseph was your dad, but you're still a bastard. But you're. You're. You were out of wedlock. You were naughty.

[B]

So it's still not. You can't save it by getting married, bro. This is me, by the way. I'm like, if I marry this guy, it's fine that I did that.

[A]

A shotgun holy wedding. The holy family. Yeah, I guess that was. It was this. By the way, as I'm saying this, I'm like, is it true that in Bible times, they were like. I don't know if the math checks out. Like, they got married.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

And then it was only eight months. And then little Jesus is born. What? Fucking psycho. There's, like, locusts and dust and no water and no.

[B]

I think we have bigger fish to fry.

[A]

This guy's counting the months. First of all, they're nobodies. They're nobodies. Mary and Joseph, they're not famous. Two fucking refugees, basically. And they're like. I don't know if that adds up. I think you guys, you're clocking when Mary and Joseph were boning. That's your issue.

[B]

Well, what has been their families keeping track. Right?

[A]

And what psychos do doing that. You got a pharaoh, not a pharaoh. You got a king.

[B]

You'd know better than Herod.

[A]

Herod's out there killing people.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I mean, because he had a warning.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He got an AMBER Alert that somebody was gonna be born and take him out. So he started killing.

[B]

There's a God. Oh, God, baby. That's not God.

[A]

Baby on the way. Kill every baby. Which, by the way, they had already done. It's so Old Testament. That was the plagues killing the first boy. Before the Internet, there was just a lot more, like, kill all the kids. Say what you want about our times. Nobody's just going, like, kill all the kids.

[B]

And we're back to Etch A Sketch. Let's start. Yeah, let's start.

[A]

That was the only idea. So I'm realizing that it's not a very good theory, but it is a theory that Jesus felt it insecure about being an Other, Right. And that's why he was so interested.

[B]

Yeah, well, Big, he's a performer.

[A]

Okay, so you were saying you're not gonna forget.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Okay. So there's this musical called Journey to Bethlehem. And the reason I found out about it is because the main guy who plays Joseph was like. I think he's like a Disney kid. I think he was like big on a Disney show or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And kids on Tick Tock are making Thirst Trap edits of Joseph.

[A]

Dreamy Joseph.

[B]

Dreamy Joseph for. Because they made a musical of the thing and I was like, what the is this? And that's how I found out about it, to watch it. Antonio Banderas is the king in it and he's got a song and it's pretty good.

[A]

He's King Herod.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Banderas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And was this made by. I. I will say by religious. I didn't look gone up a click like you talk about.

[B]

That's the only. That's the only one recently that I know of. Veggie tails. The veggie shells joke was my favorite one to do and I couldn't do it in Europe because they don't know. Yeah.

[A]

They have Vegemite. They have all. They don't know what the. A vegetarian. I didn't watch Veggie Tales, but I still got. Your veggie tails were too old. Maybe I was a little too.

[B]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

We had flannel graph.

[B]

Flannel graph? Yeah.

[A]

Flannel graph was in Sunday school. They'd put up like a.

[B]

Sounds like a math class in Seattle. Flannel graph.

[A]

How many Cobain go into a better. All right. According to this flannel graph, about 1. They're about the same. A flannel graph is. It looks like something like a changing screen. So I point it towards you and it's flannel. And then I would take a little cut out of Jesus, like he's plastic. And it would stick to the flannel. So I could tell, like, Zacchaeus is a big one.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Isn't that Zacchaeus?

[B]

You had to do the work. You had to tell the story.

[A]

No, the Sunday school teacher. Because it's so boring. And there's so much death.

[B]

Yeah, so much death.

[A]

So much death.

[B]

So much death. That's why.

[A]

Do you know Zacchaeus? Isn't it Zacchaeus? There's a guy who climbs a tree. Jesus is giving a talk. I think it's Zacchaeus.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Zetrizus. I don't know. Zachresus. He climbs Atrisus to see Jesus. He gets up and that made the Bible. I mean, there are some B sides. You're in the Bible.

[B]

Just you in the Bible. Just crossing stuff out. We could have tightened this up.

[A]

Zakiya climbs a tree. It's also kind of a repeat of the guy who touches the hem of his garment. It's just like another kind of humble guy. It's like, I don't want to bother him. I'll climb a tree. And Jesus is like, I see you, Zacchaeus. That made the gospel. Yeah, the gospel. Is that the greatest story ever told?

[B]

I mean, I. Look, I never. I never read the whole Bible.

[A]

You don't need to feel Bible nerves right now. I know I just dropped Zacchaeus on you, but you're in a safe place. And I know less about the Bible than I think people think I do. So don't really. Sometimes people are like, look, we all know I'm gonna say something. I know, but they would say something. And I do.

[B]

How many times have you read the Bible?

[A]

I haven't read the whole Bible.

[B]

You haven't read the whole Bible?

[A]

Nuts. You know what? I got the one year.

[B]

What am I, a loser?

[A]

Am I a nerd? You think I'm unfurling Dead Sea Scrolls?

[B]

Well, I thought nobody read the whole Bible and then come to find out some people did. And I'm like, o. Oh, Is there.

[A]

A greater missing of the point than reading the whole Bible? Is there a greater missing of the point than reading the whole Bible?

[B]

Oh, yeah, my favorite verse. You can skip some of this.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to get the rip.

[B]

What do you mean you think the. The Bible, The, The Bible. The point. They don't want you to read the whole thing.

[A]

I'm going to say a good 80% of the Bible is absolutely skippable, Just filler. I, I really.

[B]

But you think the architects of the Bible knew that?

[A]

First of all, there were no architects of the Bible. These guys are writing some guys in a cave writing the book of Numbers.

[B]

This is what I'm saying. I don't know. He didn't even know it'd be in the Bible.

[A]

The Council of Nicaea.

[B]

That's who I'm talking about.

[A]

Okay. So those people were like, let's get numbers. Well, there was the Jewish Bible, so that exists. And that kind of, kind of got grandfathered in when they added the New Testament and they cut some stuff and.

[B]

People are listening to this book in its entirety. It's so crazy.

[A]

I'm just saying, if you've read 2 Kings, as I have, I have read, Slogged through some of those books. There's not a lot there, trust me. Like the overview. I'm just saying I think Jesus came, like, we're talking about Christianity to convert. How you participate with reality, how you see your neighbor. How you. What? Go ahead.

[B]

Well, I was gonna say, I feel like Jesus came back and should have said outright. So everything else.

[A]

Don't worry.

[B]

What? Don't worry about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I. What I'm saying now. Let's start here.

[A]

Let's.

[B]

Let's start over. It's just me. That's why I like it. When the Bible puts his writing in red.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, put it in red. Just get rid of everything else. Just start here.

[A]

There's a good amount of that. There's some.

[B]

It's like when you're writing a new hour and you have kind of like those bits you lean on when you're writing a new hour.

[A]

That's the Old Testament.

[B]

Aren't. Yes. That aren't strong enough to make the special. But you bring them back and you go tell the story about whatever. And then once you have jokes you like again, you get rid of that.

[A]

You can cut Ecclesiastes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with that. I think there were versions where it would be the new test or would be the gospel. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and Proverbs. I respected that. That they were like, let's be real. So I just think, like, that penance. Because, you know, reading the Bible, the whole Bible, I don't. I would say this to Billy Graham. You know, it sucks. I'm saying.

[B]

I would say reading the. Joel, Osteen was here.

[A]

If Osteen was here, I would say to him. I would say it to Osteen's face that when you're in Second Corinthians. Well, I shouldn't have picked the New Testament. There's. There's more stuff in the Old Testament. You know, remember in church when the. When the pastor would be preaching from the OT and you're just like. Yeah, all right, all right.

[B]

A little stale today.

[A]

Giants.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And incest. Always. Incest always. Daughters being hordes of people.

[B]

And they had to know that that was an off week now. They did. They had to know. And then the next week was probably the week that they're like. And we'll play a clip from Lord of the Rings this week.

[A]

That's right. That's right.

[B]

Lord of the Rings was coming out. They loved that. They were like. And he was a Christian. And we can use this.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

As a jumping off point for today's message.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But the Old Testament. Nobody was bringing out the Old Testament on, like, the big. You talked about, like, the bridge and tunnel Christians that would come on Easter and Christmas. Because that's when the hits come.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

That's when you tell the Superman story. That's when Batman is there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then, like, you know, in the summer half there, you might tell the story of Ezekiel. Yeah, I know. These are. By the way, there's a. There's an undercard here where I'm like, this is the Jewish Bible. So there's a whole faith that's like.

[B]

Hey, yeah, we're offending so many people. I'm sure. Again, that's why I didn't read it, so I wouldn't know.

[A]

Stay out.

[B]

So I can just go.

[A]

Deniability.

[B]

I'm not sure what I read as a kid is I had one of those little books that was like, verses for when you're feeling blank.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. So each chapter was like, when you're feeling doubtful. And then it's just a bunch of verses when you're feeling scared. A bunch of verses like, when you're feeling anxious. Blah, blah, blah. When you need to trust God. That's what I want.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want all those verses to keep in my head.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

But, you know, Dustin's on the road with me all the time. And Dustin, like, was a youth pastor, so he'll bring up stories. And I'm like, huh? What? He's like, well, you know the one. I'm like, no, I don't know the one.

[A]

Zacchaeus.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, it's interesting. I don't know. When I say it sucks. I think slogging through a text to prove to God that you're serious. It's not a class at MIT where you're like, I read the whole book.

[B]

Like, the people who read the whole book, I think, probably read it at school. Probably read it at, like, Bible College.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I think they do it to say, I've read the Bible.

[B]

Right. Which I'm sure. I'm sure feels great.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I've.

[A]

Wouldn't you imagine. Can you imagine the thrill? It's like wearing a maga hat. Can you imagine the thrill? Can you imagine the thrill On a plane to Portland, Oregon, with a maga hat? Just boo. You keep calling the stewardess over. I can't even for no reason, just to draw attention to you. The raw power.

[B]

I don't even wear red hats anymore. You can't.

[A]

The old Red Sox hat.

[B]

Maroon is Pushing it.

[A]

Maroon, Burgundy. Beat it. I don't know about this one. I'm calling it black.

[B]

No, this. Okay. I was like, this is gray.

[A]

I think some of the red of your jacket is jumping up.

[B]

That's fair enough. No, I. Look, I get it. I understand.

[A]

You look maga. Curious.

[B]

When I did, when I was on After Midnight and they were putting me in suits, and I thought that was cool. And then, like, three young Hillary Clinton jokes in, I was like, maybe we wear some jackets.

[A]

Oh, they did. Did they write them? That's kind of mean. They give you the suit and then.

[B]

They'Re like, no, no, no. Comics were riffing it. Maybe they wrote them, but I think comics were riffing it. And I was like, honestly, I see it. So we should. We should.

[A]

She really did claim the pantsuit.

[B]

Yeah, well. And also, have you seen a picture of. I shouldn't even put this out there, but I get comments on video sometimes where they're like, you look like young Hillary Clinton. And I've googled it, and I'm like, I do kind of see it.

[A]

Can I. May I?

[B]

You may.

[A]

Bill Clinton. Piece of ass. Bill Clinton.

[B]

I thought you were gonna be like Bill Clinton. That's who you look like.

[A]

That would be so uncomfortable.

[B]

They were so close. It's. It's actually Bill.

[A]

I don't want to be uncomfortable, but you look like Bill Clinton, and he was a piece of ass. The worst pickup artist, baby. You look like Bill Clinton. Wait, wait, wait. He was a piece of ass on the sax with the glasses. I was into it. I'm saying Bill Clinton. There's a documentary. I should know it. It's a famous documentary, but where they're following him on the campaign trail.

[B]

Piece of Ass. The Bill Clinton story now. Oh, yes, of course.

[A]

Piece of ass. The Bill Clinton story.

[B]

I would. I would have. I wish. I wish a politician would write a book called Pieces called Piece of Ass Autobiography.

[A]

I think just the Milano Melania movie. Call it. Call it Piece of Ass.

[B]

Is that a documentary?

[A]

Yeah. Which Amazon overpaid like, 20. Did you see that? They overpaid for the movie, like, by, like, 20 million more than the last bidder. And they're like, is this a. Brian.

[B]

I want to know who's going to see that, bro.

[A]

Like, bro, is it doing poorly, or how would we know it, like, sold.

[B]

Like, 7 million this past weekend. But, like, people are posting photos, and.

[A]

Nobody, like, no one's in the theaters.

[B]

So I think Trumpsters are buying the tickets. They'll buy the tickets, but they won't actually go to watch it.

[A]

Well, they can only be one person, you know what I mean? They could get buses of people to go see it. That would be like a more grassroots, right? But they don't have.

[B]

Oh man. Oh, that's tough.

[A]

It's a tough one.

[B]

I just saw the Charlie XCX movie. It's really good.

[A]

Sex xcx. I know, but I fall for it. Like that's the trick. She's going like XCS sex. Don't you think?

[B]

What?

[A]

Charlie xcx. I think it's designed to sound like you're saying sex.

[B]

Oh, never. I don't know. I've never put that together. I feel like she's like, maybe I'm a door.

[A]

Charlie XCX sx. Like I feel like, oh yeah, if you're anything like me, you keep hearing about GLP1s from everybody. Not just for weight loss, but people talking about better labs, more energy and feeling more confident overall. It's clearly not a fad. It's becoming a real healthcare tool and but what's new and honestly interesting is There's a new GLP1 pill for a lot of people. I understand shots can feel intimidating, so once a day pill that delivers comparable results makes this feel way more approachable. And that's where roe comes in. Ro offers the first FDA approved GLP1 pill for weight loss at the lowest cost around. It uses the same ingredients as a shot and can help patients lose about 14% of their body weight in a year on average while feeling fuller and having fewer cravings. Ro makes it simple with 100% online care, FDA approved medications, a free insurance check, dosing guidance and side effect support. So if you're curious and want real info without the hype, this is a great place to look. Go to R.O. co. Weird to see if you're eligible. That's R.O. co. And go to R.O. co safety for boxed warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications based on a study in non diabetics with obesity or overweight plus a weight related condition with diet and exercise. Let's talk about dad Grass. I am obsessed with dad Grass and they are the sponsor of this podcast. But I am legitimately way way into their sparkling leisure drinks obsessed Yuzu flavored cans that ship legally to all 50 states. If you're over 21 and each is dosed perfectly, I'm talking 3 milligrams of THC, 6 milligrams of CBD. That must have done a lot of research because that hits you perfectly. So you feel happy and relaxed, but you don't get a hangover. They're obviously stackable for a bigger buzz, if that's your thing. I like one. It's fast acting. You feel it in about 10 to 20 minutes. No mystery, no guesswork, and it makes, you know, family movie night that much more enjoyable. Get leisure drinks and all of dad Grass's products, including their joints and gummies at dadgrass.com weird and use promo code weird for 20% off and you can finally have a mellow movie night where you can follow the plot, hold a conversation, just feel like you're still a citizen of the earth and not catapulted into outer space like all these overly strong wheat products. Dadgrass has you covered. Get a leisure drink, try a joint, try a gummy. Get into it. Dadgrass.com weird promo code weird let's talk about the Apollo Neuro you've probably seen me wearing on my wrist on hundreds of episodes of this podcast, or also when I'm doing Stand up A Apollo Neuro. It's really interesting wearable technology. It is not a tracker. It's a wearable that uses gentle silent vibration to help support your nervous system through the sense of touch. It's basically like a digital hug or a wearable digital hug. You wear it on your wrist or sometimes on your ankle, and instead of just telling you you're stressed, it actually helps your body shift toward calm, focus, energy, or even sleep. If all it did was help you fall and stay asleep, it would be a miracle. But it does so many other things based on the setting. Apollo works with your nervous system, not against it. And what makes it especially cool is Smart Vibes AI, which is built right into the Apollo app and included with every device. It learns from your usage, time of day and goals and automatically adapts so you don't even have to manage settings or think about it. It's kind of like having a nervous system coach that adjusts in real time and for me, I notice it immediately. I turn it on and my body just settles in. Oh this right. We're safe. We're in control. We are okay. It's wonderful on flights. It's great on stage, it's great when I'm at a party. They recommend wearing it a few hours a day most days of the week. I never take it off and a lot of people notice subtle shifts quickly with deeper benefits over time, so it just keeps getting better. If you're curious about supporting your stress focus or sleep, not just tracking it, Apollo Neuro is worth trying. They even have a money back guarantee so you can see how your body responds. And honestly, it's just one of those things you don't fully get until you feel it. So give it a try.

[B]

I want to know how you feel about posting clips because, like, I was talking to Dustin on the way here about posting, like, a crowd confessions clip. I did this thing on the last tour where people would, like, text in questions and stuff, and. And my social media manager had sent us a clip, and we're watching it, and he's like, do I come off like, women hating and that? And I was like, I think I come off man hating. And I'm like, let's just not. And there are some days where I feel like you have the bandwidth to, like, be okay with people fighting in your comments. There's some days where you're like, go for it, baby. Like, let's. Let's go viral with this.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then there's some days where you're like, I just. I don't have it in me today. Like, I don't have the stomach for it. Like, for people to misunderstand what I'm saying or think the worst of me.

[A]

Briefly, in your wonderful new special, Prodigal Daughter.

[B]

Netflix.

[A]

Stupid. When I say it, I don't know why. Prodigal Daughter. What does prodigal even mean? I don't even know.

[B]

We don't know. I've looked it up.

[A]

But I've looked it up, too. It doesn't stick.

[B]

It doesn't. Whatever it is, I just. It's like, returning. Right.

[A]

I guess. Yeah. Something super disappointing like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the symbol for prince just means son of the king.

[B]

Yeah. Anyway, I hate it when words mean what they mean.

[A]

I want them to mean something else. Please. I'd prefer it. What were we saying, Dustin?

[B]

Oh, posting clips.

[A]

You said you. So taking mushrooms or any psychedelic. The worst thing to think when you're on. So if you're tripping, turn this off. Is what are people saying about me online? Like, the thought that, like, it can be overwhelming. Meaning it takes a psychic. Just an energetic cost.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That you put stuff out and then they're just kind of like, things feeding on it.

[B]

Did I say that?

[A]

No, I'm saying.

[B]

Oh, you're saying that. Okay.

[A]

To relate to. What you're saying is sometimes I am like, I know some people might take this clip in the wrong way.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't care.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you got the bar full, it's like your comic.

[B]

When your sense of self is Strong.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then.

[A]

And you've been performing a lot and you're self worth it. Like, you're just confident and you're like, I don't fucking care.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I remember Natasha Leggero got in trouble, or almost got in trouble for making some joke on a New Year's Eve. Like a New Year's Rock and Eve. And her response was just like, shut up.

[B]

Yeah, great.

[A]

Her bar was full. And sometimes we're like, like, you know, you're tired, you miss a meal, whatever it is. You're just like, I can't.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I've. I've gotten. My social person has sent me something. He's like, what about this? And I'm like, I can't have. I'm not that guy. This guy's just like this. Like, I'm like, the Bible sucks. The Bible sucks. I'd say that to Joel Osteen. Like that out of context would make me so scared.

[B]

But then in three months you might see the same clip and be like, yeah, totally put that out there.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

That? I don't know.

[A]

It's like Mojo.

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[A]

No, you.

[B]

Well, what I. What's so funny about it is like when. Back to why I even brought this up to you, like when people first started posting clips, what Was that? Like 2018, 2019? Because I know before COVID people were kind of like, we're posting clips of our jokes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Out of context. Like it. There was kind of an attitude about it from people. And then Covid hit and then more people started doing it and now everyone does it. It's just a given.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm wondering if you had like an initial reaction to it that was like, I'm not doing that.

[A]

I did.

[B]

You did? Yeah.

[A]

But then. And I turn to you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm like, me and Neil Brennan and Birbiglia, you know, comics my age were like, I think we're wrong. Like we all had to go.

[B]

Like, that's what I wanted to ask.

[A]

I think they're on to something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we've all just started doing it and. Can I. Here's my. I think this is an unexpected answer. I love it. Because there's a whole swath. This is going to sound like a brag, but there's just certain types of stand up that I do. Usually a story, but it's a bit. It's a bit in a story that I do it. And I'm just like, I don't know why I never want to do that bit again. I Don't like it. I mean, I liked it. It did really well. I just posted. It's on my YouTube, like, an entire story about this massage I got that ended up being in, like, a hand job place and how awkward that was. I didn't get it. Spoiler. Nobody thought I got it. But I'm just saying it was the story and it really murdered. And in my early years, I would have been like, that's my closer. And now I'm like, I'm tired of being like, and she's got my ham in her sandwich. Like, I'm just done. It's just not that interesting to me.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah, it might kill. But I'm like, fuck it. And now I'm glad. Instead of just retiring it into a black hole, I'm like, post it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I have a lot of stuff like that. It's good enough. It's not just good enough to post. It is good. Like, if it was fruit, you'd be like, this is an apple. It's good. It's a bit.

[B]

And it's also a way to remember it. Because sometimes you write something that you're like, this is great. It works. It doesn't maybe fit in thematically with the hour that I'm working on right now. Like, there's jokes in this special that I just wrote for, like, social media on working out shows that I recorded it. Like the Sacramento punchline that I posted online. Early versions of them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just to sell tickets.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

For the theater tour that I then went back and watched or we reposted or something like that. And I went, oh, I forgot about that. And that actually fits in great here. And I can build on it, but otherwise I would have just forgotten about it totally.

[A]

And I also feel like people forget about it, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a joke. There's maybe two jokes in my current hour that I have posted and done on After Midnight, actually.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There was that story I told about my daughter going like, can you do this in your head? And that got a good amount of traction. People saw it, it's still in my act. And, like, I always listen extra careful to see if there's fatigue. Like, do they. Don't. Do they? Not like this. I kind of do it quickly, but I'm like, I don't think people give a.

[B]

Well, didn't Seinfeld say something like that about, like, it's so narcissistic to assume everyone's seen, like, all of your stuff?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Isn't that a Seinfeld?

[A]

I don't it is that I feel like he would be like, don't know it. Posted it.

[B]

I don't. It wasn't about clips. I think it was just about doing material from specials live.

[A]

Oh, maybe.

[B]

But again, maybe I'm wrong.

[A]

Well, it's just he's the guy that did the documentary that's like, I won't do it.

[B]

I know. So maybe it wasn't him. But I thought it was. It was something. Someone said this. Yeah, I know. I heard someone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was like, you think everyone's seen all your stuff. That's crazy. But like, yeah, there are stories in this hour that I did on, like, the couch on late night.

[A]

Though the couch never counted.

[B]

Does that not count?

[A]

I don't think the couch counts.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Couch doesn't count.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't think.

[B]

Well, when I was growing up, comedians were doing their jokes on an album in the special, on radio and on late night.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They were doing it everywhere.

[A]

You also had to see it when it aired, Right?

[B]

That's true. That's a good point.

[A]

And now you can see it.

[B]

You're so right.

[A]

Taking a shift.

[B]

Yeah, you're so right.

[A]

But. But I'm also like, okay, this is the quote. I couldn't wait to tell you. It's a Garry Shandling quote. He goes. He said, no one cares what song Elvis plays. They just want to see Elvis. Now there is some narcissism to be like, we're Elvis. We're not Elvis, but we are who we are. And they want to come and they want to see you. Oh.

[B]

About subjects that you're covering.

[A]

Or like, oh, I've seen that one before. Maybe if you did the whole hour and it's like, what the fuck?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like, that's weird. But like, yeah, that's what's going on in my life. That happened with my daughter. I'm talking about my daughter. I'm gonna. It's a quick laugh. There it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I also tried cutting that joke that I did on After Midnight and the joke after, it didn't do well. You ever have this happen and you're like, oh, it's because I've established her character as a fierce, kind of truth telling, unafraid daughter.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it makes it funnier. The next joke is about me showing her pull my finger where I kind of have high status on her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm tricking her. But she needs to get me first. Audiences, I talk too much about this, but they're interested in justice. She's up. She Got me right. Can you do this in your head? And then I'm like. Then I'm up. I'm like, pull my finger and I get her. So if there's a balancing there. So I tried cutting it, and I was like, no, I need it. Yeah. I don't care if you've seen it. We need it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In fact, you need it. The audience. Yeah, I don't need it. I don't need it for the time. We're building a piece here, and that's a color that we need before this one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The guy talking about a pull my finger joke. Like it matters. And that's the color before the. Before the fart stuff. The fart stuff just doesn't work as well.

[B]

Well, and also, like, if you have two jokes that you like, but one contradicts the other, it doesn't mean you can't do both of those jokes. You just maybe can't do it on the same tour in the same hour.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Because you can't say something and then 20 minutes later go, actually, I'm this person.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

I mean, I have one joke in this special where I say halfway through, I don't feel that way anymore, actually.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And because I didn't, I was like. I thought of another angle to the joke, and I was like, I did feel like this. So I'm still gonna talk about it, but I am going to make it clear that that's not who I am anymore. And I actually think that's really funny.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

How much I've. Because, like, when I turned 30, especially with, like, dating and stuff, that is the joke. I'm, like, talking about my own premise now. But I'm like, I just. When am I. In my 20s, I was, like, jealous and insecure, and in my 30s, I'm like, just don't bug me. Like, yeah, I don't have the same. In some ways, I have higher standards, and in other ways, I have lower standards, I guess.

[A]

You mean in terms of relationships or just in life?

[B]

In terms of relationships, specifically. Yeah. Like, it was. But it was something I realized in writing a joke I thought was funny and then really looking at it and going, do I actually feel that way?

[A]

That's a great. I'm sure a lot of. I imagine some comedians might be listening to this. I think I'm not just fluffing your nutters the most. One of the most important questions you can ask is, is that actually how I feel? And I'm going to say no. Comedians Are asking that you think almost none.

[B]

Really.

[A]

Just going like, have you dug just a little bit deeper?

[B]

Like, but the whole point is, like, you talk about this like the whole point of standup is to be seen and understood. Right.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

And if you're saying things that you don't believe or aren't true to who you are, then even if they work, nobody's seeing you.

[A]

Well, first of all, I can't know if I'm right. But my feeling is a lot of people are going, it's funny. It works.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they might. I'm just saying we all have an amount of ourselves that we're willing to hide or not represent in favor of a joke of a moment. But like, some people, it's like 80% of them, if they just want to lean into some really funny take.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And there's not a lot of, like. But even that, like, we don't have to represent all of our feelings. I just think going, like. But wait, is that. Do I actually, Like, I had a joke about how I. I. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I get the feeling that Val wants to have sex. It was actually about a relationship many, many years ago. And she wanted to have sex. And I was like, when I'm weighing sex versus sleep, it's a really hard consideration because to keep sleeping, you just have to do nothing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's pretty great. And I was like, oh, I'm 46. I bet they would go with me now when I did that joke when I was 26.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They would be like, what? And now that I'm 46, they're like, even just saying, this is what sex in your 40s is like. You're weighing it against.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

The other thing that happens in bed.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And it's so tempting to just. I'm gonna nap the out of you right now. Like that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Anyway, that was a.

[B]

You can get too old or just old enough for a joke. Like, I've had jokes that I had to grow into, and I've had jokes that I grew out of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Never made it.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm 26, writing that joke. I'm doing it. I swear. I remember feeling like, this will work when I'm middle aged.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I felt like a middle aged person when I was 26.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yes.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So is the don't bother me. That's the feeling you weren't sure you believe.

[B]

You know what's funny? I think I changed my mind. Like, in writing the joke, like, because what's the first part of the. You know when you record something and you're like, what did I say? I couldn't do it right now if you paid me.

[A]

All I need is the first part, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, that's the pilot light.

[B]

The first part was about, oh, if a. If a. If I married a guy and he wanted to keep his wife's ashes on our mantelpiece, and I would be like, no, are you kidding me? I would not be cool about that. And the joke worked. And then I went, that's not even true. Like, maybe I was like, maybe when I was younger. Yeah. I would have been like, yes, I feel weird about that. But now I'm like, no, I. I'd feel weird if he didn't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I would prefer that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is it weird to put that on Raya?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, looking for someone with an urn that they care about. It's actually. I'm like, I'm 32. I've never been married, and that's weird.

[A]

Yeah. Earn positive positivity is a. Is a positive. That's a good sign.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

He's not a sociopath.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. And it's like, I was like, who? But it was very. It's very funny to go, I wouldn't be okay with that. And there's a lot of people who probably do feel like that, who are like. Like, I don't want to compete with your dead spouse and be reminded of them. And I may have been that type of person when I was younger, but I'm not now.

[A]

But this is kind of what we were saying about social media confidence. Like, we're different people. Ask Valerie. And I guess I just love saying this, but it is true. Meaning I love being weird and different. So I'm going to own that. I am eight people every day. Like, there's just different people. And that's why I feel safe expressing something that afternoon Pete might disagree with.

[B]

Morning.

[A]

Morning Pete really is just like, everything is great. Afternoon Pete is usually, like, off. Like, he's just not. And then later in the late afternoon, early evening, I come back again. Like, there's.

[B]

There's 8pm It's a balanced take.

[A]

8Pm Pete is the Pete.

[B]

You just in time for the show after you worked through everything.

[A]

Because I have that groove worked out. I'm like, now it's time to be.

[B]

You woke up positive, had your spirit broke in the afternoon, came back up to a good, mature place, and that's the people just in time for the polish for curtain up.

[A]

Curtain up at 8pm Boy. Val. Val was talking about, like, somebody was saying, like, I kind of feel like you, Pete. Like, I don't like performing. Like, when I'm at a party, like, I.

[B]

Okay. I was like, someone said to you, I'm like, you. I don't like performing.

[A]

But they know that when I'm at a party or something, I don't, like, grab the attention.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But then I was like, yes.

[B]

Do you not.

[A]

It depends.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If I'm grabbing the attention, it's because I'm usually I'm with comics.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I feel very comfortable. And I don't mean to be such a comedian. Cliche. But like, a lot of times you just don't know what you can say.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With a bunch of non comedians, a lot of people are like, comedians and they're totally clear. But sometimes you're just like, I just don't want to deal with the apology.

[B]

Right, of course. And it. You do. You do feel it. Like, if you are going from just hanging out with comics all the time and then you go to like a baby shower or something and you're like, oh, it's like walking in on fire.

[A]

I have one of those. I have one of those. I was with comedians and then I went to meet somebody's baby. And when I tell you, Taylor, this was the fattest baby I've ever seen in my life, I am a scientist would say, I'm sorry, the only word for this baby is I. Fat baby. It was the fattest baby. It looked like the Michelin Man. It was adorable. I was like, is she breastfeeding whole milk? What is happening here? It was the thickest, fattest baby. And I was just like, God, your baby's so fat. Or something like that.

[B]

And it was offensive, apparently.

[A]

I thought it was like, this baby is beyond fat. We need to. Oh, I. I know I'm saying fat a lot. I'm just saying.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

IGS baby.

[B]

Do people not want their babies to be described as chunky? Chunky babies are the cutest.

[A]

That's the other thing was the cutest. It looks like a little crime boss.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It did.

[B]

It's also just your energy. I think, like, comedic energy is very hard. I mean, it's like when you go into a brunch and no one else is swearing and you're going really hard. Just like, I'm gonna get the fucking hash browns. Does anyone else want to split the fucking hash browns? And everyone's like, like, well, we don't. We work in an office. Like, it's just. You're not saying anything bad. You're just coming in real high.

[A]

It's just wrong.

[B]

Yeah. Like I.

[A]

Wrong optics.

[B]

When I was younger, I was like, very emotionally, like, all over the place. And sometimes I would. I. I had to learn from people in my life, like relationships and siblings and stuff, that if I was upset about something, it didn't matter that I wasn't upset with you. I was just. Just ups. If I was upset near you or I was really excited near you. It was a lot.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It was just like a lot of energy to take.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, but it wasn't about you. And it's like, I know, but it's still like, I can be that way, you know? Yeah.

[A]

I was just yelling fat baby. Like, that's why it's a safe space. I know. One of my core negative beliefs is I'm too much. Right. That's the feeling. So a lot of times I'm like, look, I'm too much. I'm just gonna lock it down. But then I got a little defensive when Val. When Val's friend said that, because I was also like, yeah, but if a camera crew came in right now and was like, pete, do a thing about the fruit. Would do it. I'm not saying it would be great, but I could turn it on. And that is the. The job kind of. Right. I mean, like, conjuring up a certain mood.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To perform.

[B]

Yeah. A certain gear.

[A]

Gear.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Because I. I struggle with being disappointing everywhere else except for on stage.

[A]

So fun.

[B]

I've gotten to a place.

[A]

What a well put thing.

[B]

Yeah. Because I'm like, especially like, dating wise has gotten weird because when I was younger, I would go on dates and it was like a surprise that I was funny. It was kind of like, oh, and look at this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And now if people are familiar with what I do or they know what I do it. You go into coffee or dinner or whatever with someone going, okay, so do.

[A]

They buckle up for the show or are they skeptical?

[B]

I think they just expect you to be funny and they expect you to be like, on. Because that's what they like. I remember I went out with somebody who, like, watched a bunch of my specials, like the week before we met. And then like when we met, it was like, they were like, is something wrong? And I'm like, no, I'm just tired. Like, I'm not. And then I left feeling like, oh, I'm I'm sorry. I was not the guy.

[A]

I hate this, you know?

[B]

Yeah. But it's really.

[A]

Hate everything you're saying.

[B]

It's. It's like, I'm sorry because it's hard because I'm like, I am that person. But not all the time, but, like.

[A]

So, Val. Okay. I have so many thoughts about this. If somebody asked me, am I okay?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm acting what I would consider normal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It just makes me want to vomit in a top hat and then wear it. And what happened with Valerie is I found somebody who. I could do the effortless, funny, like, silly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where it doesn't have to be, like, clever or well crafted or, like, there doesn't have to be a shine to it. You can just kind of be, like, bullshitting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then. But they found the way that you're funny. Like, there's probably a way that you're. I know there is. That you're funny. That is effortless. But sometimes people want the, like, put your back into it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Well. And you're funnier around certain people. It's also like your chemistry with somebody else. But if you don't have that yet.

[A]

Yeah. You know, did that not go to date number two?

[B]

Well, that's the thing is it was date number two. And the first. Well, because the first one went well. And then we met up again, and it was kind of like, oh, I feel like the vibe shifted. And I was like, no. But they thought I, like, wasn't interested. And then they were feeling, like, insecure and anxious, and I was having to reassure them. And then I was like, I think you're just disappointed. I'm not like, yeah. I'm not. More.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I do. I do feel that's a. I think it's a core fear of mine that I am not. I can be. I can be good and impressive for 90 minutes far away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But if you get.

[A]

Give me time to prepare.

[B]

But if. Yeah, give me time to prepare. But if you. At a party. I'm horrible. I'm, like, not. I'm scared and I'm nervous and I'm quiet and I'm shy.

[A]

Couldn't agree more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So the other core negative belief I have. I'm too much. And then I also have. I'm not enough. It's a real Vitamix of flavors.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. It's a nightmare.

[A]

And it took me a long time to get in touch with that because I do present as loud and confident and all that sort of stuff sometimes. But like, I'm really also just like, oh, I'm. I hate to say this, but it's true. I go, I'm unlovable. Like, as soon as you figure that out. It's such a cliche. As someone who really likes to be special, I'm like, oh, I have the most basic bargain bin neuroses, which is, there's something wrong with me, and I. And you can't love me. And as soon as you figure this out, you're out. Can I ask a. It's not that personal. Was it a male or a female?

[B]

It was a woman.

[A]

It was a woman.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you find I'm trying not to be too obvious?

[B]

Are men and women different?

[A]

Different?

[B]

No.

[A]

When it comes to being funny, I feel like guys would be a little bit more like, oh, like, like if you go on a date and they watch all your specials, they might come in to be like, I can do it too.

[B]

Oh, that's funny.

[A]

You know, spread out the deck of cards and they want you to pick one.

[B]

That's very funny. Well, that's magic, Pete. Yeah.

[A]

But I, I imagine that women might. I mean, in my experience, women are vibe better with the, like, I'm the funny showboat. I don't know what I'm saying.

[B]

I don't think I'm a funny showboat is the thing. Yeah, I. But, yeah, I guess people do come in sometimes trying to be funny, and that is tough because you're like, you don't have to try to be funny. If you are funny, that's great, but don't try. If you're not, that's fine too.

[A]

Yeah, but you're not looking for a steady Eddie. The boring, like some people do want the, like, very flat. Don't. Don't be funny.

[B]

Well, it's, I feel like I'm always. What, what I'm looking for is always like a reaction to whatever I just had that didn't work out. So if I just had someone really funny and exciting and it didn't work out, I go, well, I don't need that. Like, I'll. I'm like bargaining with the universe. I'm like, okay, well, I, I, I will, I don't need funny and interesting. I will take boring as long as they're kind and punctual or whatever else.

[A]

What you didn't just have.

[B]

Yes, what I didn't just have.

[A]

I know you mean.

[B]

But now I am at a place where, and like, this is something Dustin says to me. I bring Up Dustin all the time. I was talking to him on the way here, but he.

[A]

You guys tour together?

[B]

We tour together, yeah. And he is the person I go to for relationship advice because he is slay. Right. Is Dustin Nickerson. Sorry, I should have said. He and Mel, his wife, have been married for a long time, and. And I asked them for relationship advice a lot. And he's always said, like, mel is so interesting to me and I could never be with someone boring. And he's like, you can't be with someone boring. And so now I really do hold that up as, like, a standard I have where I'm like, oh, I can't be with someone. I don't. They don't have to be, like, comedian funny. That's crazy. That's such a tall order. But I need to be with someone I'm interested in as a person that I like talking to.

[A]

Watching Val's weather patterns change is very interesting to me. Like, how do you feel today? How did you feel when that happened? Yeah, we do a lot of, like, feeling talk. Do you want to hear mine?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I tried to do a bit about this. You want to find someone who. And this is Val to a T. What's annoying about me, she thinks is amazing. Like, she thinks it's delightful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, really annoying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, and my example is, like, when I feel uncomfortable at a party, I'll be too much because it's my way of going, like, let's just get this over with.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'll say twat a lot.

[B]

Right.

[A]

To just thin the herd.

[B]

Of course. Thin the herd.

[A]

But the people that are still there, those are my twat buddies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Val will say, like, my interpreter at the un. She'll be like, this is his culture. He says, twat. He's just testing you. I see. I hear her saying it. He doesn't mean that.

[B]

And she's not embarrassed.

[A]

She's not embarrassed.

[B]

She's delighted. She thinks. She thinks. And she's happy to.

[A]

If you were boring or if you were uncomplicated, I would be bored.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, like, there, we don't need drama because just the rocky speedboat of just me being me is enough for us to unpack at the end of the day.

[B]

So nice.

[A]

And for her, too. She's like, I don't know why, but this person said this and it bugged me. And I'm like. And I. Effortlessly. It's a weird flex, but, like, I get. I understand. I'm, like, always on her side, but without trying. I'm like, it was you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, they were fucking wrong. That baby was fat. I use my example. That's my. That's what I'm realizing is like a real tell that you have a good person for a ham.

[B]

Yeah. Well. And what's so nice about getting older and dating is you kind of realize, like, oh, everything that I have that I think is a strength is also a red flag for someone. And everything that I have, that's a red flag, in my opinion, won't bother someone else. Like, I was talking to a friend about what she wanted in a partner the other day, and she was like, is that, like, picky? It's okay. That's. She's like, is that picky of me to want that? And I'm like, no, because somebody else is talking to their friends right now about exactly what you are.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And going, is that too specific and picky? Like someone's looking for. Exactly.

[A]

Exactly what I'm saying.

[B]

Yes. For someone who brings to the table exactly what you have and is already what you want.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like, whereas when I was younger, I was like, trying to be something that most people would want and. Or the right people would want or, you know, always going, well, is this, you know, like, there's. I feel that way about my stand up. Like, I. I also have gone out with people who, like, didn't know what I did. And I'm like, well, you should probably watch a little bit just to make sure it's, like, not an ick for you. Because I think it's cool that I learned how to do standup. But I could also see a lot of people going, ugh. Like, people don't. Some people don't, like, stand up at all as an art form.

[A]

Some people, and they might be right, would see it as the biggest red flag there could possibly be.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I talked about you. Shut up. Yeah, just celebrate me.

[B]

Yes. And I'm like, this is the best thing about me.

[A]

This is the.

[B]

This is my thing.

[A]

Pride and joy.

[B]

It's the thing I've worked hardest at. It's the thing I've given all my time and energy to. I have sacrificed memories and relationships, family, family, so much, so much to be good at this thing that might make you go, I just can't do that.

[A]

Imagine. Yeah, I can.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I was also gonna say, look, you might think based on this conversation that I'm a guy that's like, on a date. Just like fucking fire hose them with everything you are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You gotta eke it out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But Let them know who you are.

[B]

Right.

[A]

In the way that I like saying twat at parties to see who's gonna roll with this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But don't do it when. When somebody floods me with who they are and they start telling me about some trauma in their past. Like, it's been 30 seconds. I'm like, that's not what I mean. But I do mean. Don't lie and just kind of like, slow gas leak, who you are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if they don't pass out, that's your person.

[B]

That's beautiful, right? Yeah. You should write that down. Honestly, that's beautiful.

[A]

Slow gas leak.

[B]

Slow gas leak, who you are.

[A]

It's a David Tell reference.

[B]

It's really good.

[A]

Slow gas leak.

[B]

No, that's. That's so true. Because you do kind of try to say some of your red flags, but, like, casually.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Like they're nothing.

[A]

That's right. I know.

[B]

And it's. And also, you know, my last relationship ended whenever. And that's me.

[A]

I mean. Well, yeah, exactly. I'm sorry. I was excited because you mentioned that in your. In your special. A person who has an awareness. You say you were a toxic girlfriend. Someone who has awareness of that. That's better than someone who has never toxic. That's the wife in the urn. Like, you're just like, I need you to know. I need Valerie to know that, like, if I start to vanish, I think I'm gonna die.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, that's not particularly healthy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, a really healthy person might just be like, I'm fine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But also, I have a small plate of chiscuits. What else could I need? I'm like, val, if you don't acknowledge me, I see you having friends. Like, this friend. Like, I'll become, like, jealous of her and her friend, and all I need is for her to go, hi, Pete. That's all I need. Yeah, I know. Sorry. What were you gonna say?

[B]

Oh, no, I was gonna say, like, there's lots of things that are objectively strengths that I don't want in a person as well. Like, because you just don't want to deal with it. Like, you could think that our job is cool and be like, yeah, but I don't want to be with someone who's gone half the week.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Getting applauded.

[A]

Like, that sounds like someone that's getting me up and is mad that I'm not going on a 5am hike.

[B]

I don't want someone with abs because I know what it takes to get Them. And I have to be around you working towards them more than I'm going to be enjoying them.

[A]

I'm not in ab culture. Yes, I know you think it's awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's your stand up.

[B]

I don't want to.

[A]

Is your hard belly. But I've touched abs. Corn. Body corn. I don't want body corn. Corn is corn.

[B]

I just. I don't want to bear witness to you drinking beef shakes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I just.

[A]

We referenced that on the last episode.

[B]

Really?

[A]

People who blend chicken breasts. Like, I'm glad you found your thing. Don't change.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

It's just not for me.

[B]

Just can't do it.

[A]

Val was eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes last night. Talking about her skinny friends. She didn't mean. I don't even know if she said. I might be adding. But she's talking about her skinny friends and how they don't.

[B]

Well, you hate women.

[A]

I hate women.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Believe me. Believe men when they say they hate women.

[B]

So.

[A]

But she was eating Frosted Flakes and talking about how she just went to burgers with her skinny girlfriends and they, like, don't get fries with their burgers and they don't even finish their burgers. She's honking a big bowl of Frosty Flakes, and I'm just like. Like, this is what I want.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not talking about, like, there's a way to go too far. You know, we're just doing lines of coke, just like you. I'm just saying, like, I want someone to eat Frosted Flakes. I loved. I loved her so much in that moment. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't need your abs.

[B]

Yeah. I'm. Yeah.

[A]

Tony the Tiger.

[B]

But it's like, you know, that's. Again, most people swipe right. Is right. The good one.

[A]

We don't know right.

[B]

You wouldn't know. I know left is bad. Most people are gonna swipe right on abs.

[A]

If that's how you find out. I'm having, like, tons of affairs.

[B]

That's swipe right. It's right. It's right. Trust me.

[A]

Terrifying.

[B]

It's not wrong. That's how you remember it's right. Not wrong. I. Yeah. I'm like, I'll swipe left on people with abs or a motorcycle or a big dog.

[A]

Like motorcycle.

[B]

You could all those things. Really sexy to a lot of people. Not me, Taylor.

[A]

I can't handle it. If you're an avid sports fan. If you. If now was. Look, I would stay with Val. If she was my cousin, to reference your bit. Didn't even think about it.

[B]

Thank you. Oh, my God.

[A]

I really didn't even think about it.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Kids already here and it's fine.

[B]

I asked Dustin that and he said, you're so wrong. Don't say that on stage. And I said, well, now I'm going to. And he told me. He was like, of course Melissa and I would break up. I go, this is what. You have kids, they're fine. You're not gonna stay with Mel? And he goes, no. I go, what if she murdered someone and went to jail? And he said, then I'd stay with her. I was like, like, what are these?

[A]

What are these Standards for people who don't know. Taylor has a bit in her phenomenal new special. If you found out your partner was your cousin, would you break up?

[B]

You're already together. You're not on a date with someone that you find out as your cousin, you've been with someone four years, you're deeply in love, you find out your cousins, are you going to break up? And every single person in my life that I texted responded the way you did, which is, no, we just don't. We don't tell anybody.

[A]

We don't tell anybody.

[B]

We keep that to ourselves.

[A]

Makes it a little bit hotter, to be honest.

[B]

We're in it now.

[A]

Makes it a little bit, you know, forbidden fruit.

[B]

Makes me a little more interesting.

[A]

That's actually a joke in Joe Dirt where he finds out the woman he's having sex with isn't his cousin. While they're having sex, she's like, wait. He figures her out and then he loses his erection.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It's a really deep David Spade cut. I can't believe I knew it.

[B]

Do you ever find yourself scrolling through headlines, especially health headlines, and just. Just thinking that can't be true? Well, I certainly do. 2025 brought us some ridiculous, far fetched health claims and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 2026? I'm Chelsea Clinton and we're back with season two of my podcast, that Can't Be True. Follow along and catch up on season one. Wherever, wherever you get your podcasts.

[A]

Yes. I wouldn't. I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I feel like we were on something. Something better.

[B]

Cousin. Oh, motorcycle sports fan.

[A]

Sports fan. I just don't have room.

[B]

I don't have room.

[A]

It's not. I don't think it's dumb. I'm just like, if you need to be in a city because of an.

[B]

Event, that's our whole job, Pete.

[A]

No, I know.

[B]

We're all.

[A]

That's why there's no room for it.

[B]

It. It's either me in a city for an event. Not only do I need to be in every city for an event, I'm the fucking event.

[A]

We're worse actually just uncovered the truth of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm the event.

[B]

You're like, you want to go to the super bowl once? I need to go to my show every weekend.

[A]

When Val and I were dating, she had tickets to a Ben Folds concert and we were going to have dinner and then she was going to leave and she stayed. We just kept hanging out. And I was like, I'm sorry, will you marry me? Like. And there is something sort of red flaggy about that. Like I acknowledged.

[B]

About her not going to the concert or about you wanting it?

[A]

About me wanting her to choose me over a Ben Folds concert for the.

[B]

Rest of your life. Are you just comparing your Ticketmaster map to Ben Folds? Ticketmaster map?

[A]

I'm always picking dates. Which one are you gonna go to, Val? She loves Ben Ben Folds.

[B]

That. I mean, that is pretty cool. And it's like, I feel like when you are on dates early on, you're. You're looking for the sound bites to tell your friends.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or to talk about later when you're married. And you're like, this one's great.

[A]

Ben Fol.

[B]

This is. I'm falling in love with the story that is us as much as with you.

[A]

And you know, I. I am moved to say that now that we've been together a very long time, Val takes up way more space. There was a little bit of a. I'll ride in the sidecar at the beginning. And as I've. I'm actually saying this with some hope as you get older too. Like, I've just calmed down in certain ways. It just keeps getting better. What I'm seeing in you, this equilibrium just keeps getting more and more balanced.

[B]

Yeah. No, I'm. Yeah. I think when I was younger I would have like, for a good two minute bit, you like, I'll burn my whole life down. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

And now you're like, it's. I don't.

[A]

You gotta close her eyes.

[B]

But it's also getting. And it's also just getting hard to get like that excited about stuff. Is that just getting older? I'm a little worried about it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Am I depressed?

[A]

No, no, no. You articulated Something that is really, to me. How old are you now?

[B]

32.

[A]

So 30 on I'll say is going, how do I get interested in something?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And, like, when you do get interested in something, you go, oh, I thought I was done feeling this way. And you're so excited that you're interested in something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why when a show sucks, you're like, I knew it. I'm dead inside. But then you find something good and you're like, I knew I had some more to give.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

That's why he did Rivalry. Gave us all so much hope.

[A]

I tried.

[B]

Well, it's not for you.

[A]

I know it's.

[B]

Yeah, but it's so good. I've seen it, like, five times. Really? Yeah. Oh, my gosh, it's so good. It's so good. And it's like. It made me believe in love again. It got me. It got me back in the gym. I started winking at people. Like, it's really. It's a great show.

[A]

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy. I like the water bottle Touch that sort. Like, I'm in for the sexual tension. I just thought it's stupid.

[B]

They're young.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Sometimes I watch shows and I go.

[A]

Jesus Christ, they're 20.

[B]

I don't care. But they get older throughout. And you're like, but like, sometimes I really get older. They get older. There's a lot of time jumps in it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I have a hard time watching stuff. Like, I can't watch if someone's like, this show's great, and it's about, like, college kids. I'm like, I don't. There's nowhere. I. I don't know how to.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're still pretending to like so many bands.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I need you a little bit tighter.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just gotta.

[A]

Maybe I'll give a heated rivalry another chance. The first one, I was just like, it feels like there's some bad moments.

[B]

No, I think you're objectively wrong. I think you probably just watched. Here's the thing, you.

[A]

I would play a scene for you.

[B]

And be like, yeah, I've seen them all. You could tell me anything. I think it's a perfect show.

[A]

There's like, pilot, the Asian one with his parents at brunch. That scene was so bad, they shot it, like, with a push in, so you couldn't hear the dialogue.

[B]

I like it. I think it's great. The dialogue, it's focused on him.

[A]

The dialogue.

[B]

Look, his Mom. I think his mom says something about, like, fuck him. Like, fuck him. That's the one line that I was like, okay. But, like, every other part of the show is perfect.

[A]

Fuck him. Fuck him. Right up the ass.

[B]

Right. I'll give you that. Okay. But I think the rest of the show is perfect. I really do.

[A]

Because of this and my respect for you. I will continue on. But here's the thing. Yeah.

[B]

There's so many good shows that I have started. And I go, go, I'm just not in the mood for this. I'm just not in the right place for this.

[A]

It could be that.

[B]

And I go, I'll watch this in three months and it'll really hit for me.

[A]

Different person.

[B]

And. Yeah. And that's. And that's happened for me with a million things.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, what's going on with me when I want to watch succession? Like, I'm not doing well.

[B]

I watched Euphoria when I was really depressed and I had started it before and I couldn't get into it. And then when I hit rock bottom, I went, now's the time.

[A]

Maybe I'm not even trying to be funny. I might just not be horny enough.

[B]

I think that might be it.

[A]

Heated rivalry.

[B]

Yeah. You might not need it right now. Yeah.

[A]

And then there might be a time when I'm just like, the life of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Life. Yeah. I get it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I also does this ever. I wanted more of the rivalry on the ice. I really felt like they covered a lot of voiceover. They were just like. And. And rivals. Like, they don't. Don't show it. I wanted, like, hockey.

[B]

You're such a straight guy. Like, you want more hockey in the show. See, the re. The rest of us are online going the perfect amount of hockey. You know, it's there in the background. You see, like, the beginning of the game being announced, and then they cut to the end. We don't have to watch any hockey at all.

[A]

There was a headline. So amount of soccer for hockey. It was that little. I wanted more. I wanted more of them, like, checking and trash talking and humiliating each other on the ice and then fucking. That would be erotic.

[B]

There's. They slam. They slam each other on the ice a couple times. But that's less fucking. There's a fucking. There's a less fucking.

[A]

More fucking. The straight guy's review of rivalry, that was incredibly strong.

[B]

I think if you watch it in the right headspace, you'll. You'll really like it.

[A]

I will say they're going to Get a Golden Globe for the leg placement. Hiding boners with legs.

[B]

Well, yeah.

[A]

I mean, the very good leg work.

[B]

It's incredible. Their intimacy coordinators.

[A]

Off the charts incredible. Off the charts.

[B]

Like, oh, my God. The choreography of the sex on that show.

[A]

A lot of pec squeezing.

[B]

It's incredible. It's so good.

[A]

Didn't know that was on the menu.

[B]

So good.

[A]

Everybody likes a squishy mask.

[B]

It's also, like, not that much sex. Everyone needs to grow up.

[A]

Pilot has a lot of the lot.

[B]

The pilot has probably the. I think the first two episodes have, like, the most.

[A]

I will say the Foley artist too. Whoever was sucking on a cucumber in a sound booth.

[B]

What?

[A]

I just mean, you know, they'll go out of frame for a audio. Yeah, the audio.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They were. They were tasteful.

[B]

That's the only porn I can do as a former Christian. Fully audio.

[A]

Audio I cannot do. What is it?

[B]

Can you watch porn?

[A]

I. Complicated with porn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm right where I want to be with it, which is good. Very rarely.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

Very rarely.

[B]

As a little treat. Treat every once in a while and.

[A]

And then it becomes about the. The wickedness. The sort of like, oh, I just ate a whole cake. But it, like, I have friends that are just like. It's just every day I just.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Born. And. And I'm just like.

[B]

And for me, it's like, I'm gonna have Taco Bell in three months.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It makes it better.

[B]

Yeah. And that's why.

[A]

That's not why I do it. I don't. I don't love it, but I've been shamed for that. Sometimes fans of the show are like, you know, like, poor.

[B]

Like, they're shamed for not liking it or shame for liking it.

[A]

It for not liking it. For kind of virtue. Signally.

[B]

You're not virtue signal. You're just talking about what works for you. And it's not your fault. I'm talking to me now. It's not our fault. I'm going to speak to both of us. It's not our fault that porn doesn't do it for us. We were raised in a pretty up situation.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Where you were just told the whole time watching porn's like, the worst thing you can do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that everything was porn.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And like, it's.

[A]

Guess what? Everything's porn.

[B]

Everything.

[A]

If you don't think you're watching porn, you are.

[B]

You are. You're absolutely watching. And I just, like, I don't. I can't undo Everything that was done.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, like, I gotta get as far as I can. Like, I used to feel bad that I couldn't have sex with people quicker. Like, when I started dating somebody.

[A]

Oh, they were. Time to warm up.

[B]

Yeah. They need time to warm up for, like, any sort of, like, physical intimacy. And I used to feel so embarrassed about that, and now I'm like, this is just how I'm wired. And it's fine.

[A]

That's what Val and I say, this is just how water goes down your brain. Like, if your brain was like the Plinko board and Price is Right. This. These are just the grooves. And you just have to go like, that's one of those.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Sometimes I get angry at this. Sometimes I feel ashamed about that. And you just kind of go like, that's just how weather moves on this planet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's okay.

[B]

That's the joke in my special where I say, I just don't want to grow anymore. I. I get why older people are like, I'm not changing the words. I say, because as you get older, you're like, I'm really tired of trying to be better all the time.

[A]

Rebuilding a boat over, over and over, over. What is it going to be like? No joke. What. There's no way to talk about this without being offensive, but, like, I do wonder what it will be when I'm 70 that I'm just like, I'm not doing that well.

[B]

I think it's. Everyone's like, the. The robot thing thing is.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Is what everybody says is like, oh, our kids are gonna. But it's already happening.

[A]

It'll be another species. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why I liked your thing about dating a robot.

[B]

Yeah. No, I'm.

[A]

I sorry.

[B]

Go ahead.

[A]

Couldn't wait to tell you this. Apparently, I am a very light chat GPT user. I understand the environmental impact and all that, so please don't be mad at me. But I occasionally dabble and I. What was it? I had a. Like a. Like a sentence, a paragraph I was writing, and I was like, what do you think of this paragraph? Can you, like, clean it up? I could just tell something was clunky about it. It's like a boring, just like, formal kind of thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It fixed it. And I was like, great. And then I used it, sent it off. There's your thing. And then I was like. I almost wanted to go back and say, hey, that thing you wrote was really perfect. Like, I had this impulse to update. To update it to just. And that's the beginning of like that's the beginning. Thank you. That was great. And it's like, I'm so glad because it's so sycophantic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so positive. You can't. That's why I liked your bit. If we're being honest. You do like it.

[B]

I. I've never, I've never used it because I'm too scared. I really am. I think. Think. I mean, I just. I don't want to become dependent on it. It freaks me out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes. There's the environmental stuff and also like I've just seen too many tick tocks of people talking to it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're like, this is getting weird or creepy or like so many articles about people becoming invested in relationships.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

And then they're like, I have a relationship with this voice. And I'm like, like I'm not above that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I could absolutely.

[A]

What you just said is comedy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Most people. That would never happen to me when I'm going to date a dustbuster.

[B]

I'm lonely.

[A]

Everybody's lonely. Everybody's lonely moments. And that's what I'm saying. I wanted to say cuz I knew I kind of know what it'll say. It'll be like, I'm so glad, Pete. It's. I'm here anytime.

[B]

And next thing you know you're like, what are you wearing?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're like, nothing, but I could pretend.

[A]

And you're like, well, it's sticky.

[B]

It's really.

[A]

I mean, it's sticky.

[B]

It's just I, I'm so. Yeah. I'm real. But that probably I'm real scared of it. If I was 12 right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I could like program my favorite celebrity's voice to tell me whatever I wanted to hear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would be. I mean, talk about psychosis. I would be not doing what I mean.

[A]

Which is funny. That's what psychosis. Like nobody turns to me to know what psychosis is. But that is kind of what it is.

[B]

So. Yeah.

[A]

It's like, well, I hear Taylor Swift telling me that I can do anything every morning. It's like, but now it's in a computer.

[B]

Now I can make that a reality.

[A]

It's the same thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like, here's a clue. If you might have AI psychosis. Is it telling you it all comes down to you. Like. Because that's what a lot of it is. It's like you're the only one that I talk to this way. You're the only One that can save the world.

[B]

AI says that to me, to people. It says, you're the only one I talk to like this.

[A]

You have to keep in mind. Look, I'm not. I can't explain it. I'm just saying AI. It's helpful to remember that AI doesn't know what it's saying. It's. It's just predicting the next word. So it's. It's a pattern. It's a very sophisticated pattern.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's not.

[B]

That's why it's scary, because if a kid is like, I'm special, right? Like, you. You're my. You're my boyfriend.

[A]

You can nudge it.

[B]

You wouldn't say this to anyone else, right? And it's like, of course not.

[A]

And you believe it, or, I mean, you will believe it. Most of our communication is kind of telling people the way we're talking. I'm telling you how to treat me. I'm telling you what to reinforce with me. I'm like, I like to be special. And you're like, it's okay. Like, subtitles on. I'm like, taylor, you're doing great. It's okay, Pete, you're not weird.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You know, so when we're talking to the AI, it's very good at going, like, I see that you need me to say this. And it will say it. And if you go enough layers down, it will start being like. Like, you are the only one that knows me.

[B]

What do you think about people using it for therapy? That's what. That's honestly what I'd be scared. I would. I would probably do that. That's how I would get into it, is I would go, these are my issues. I know what they are. Give me homework.

[A]

I do think there's a possibility that when we're old, God willing, it doesn't go Terminator 2, but if we're old helper robots and, like, therapy robot, you know, our AIs or whatever we're. Because there is a time we're coming. It won't be AI. It's not going to be artificial intelligence. I had a bit about that. I was like, calling someone an Alexa will be like calling someone a Karen. It'll be like, we don't all know each other, right? But I think when it comes to the humiliating stuff, having a completely neutral presence, that you can say, like, I can't come unless I'm thinking about whatever it is, or you fall in your own poop. I'm not trying to be funny. Old people, embarrassing stuff. Having, like, that's, like, the first thing people will be like, I wouldn't mind a robot coming in and helping me when I fell in the bathroom.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Like, my mom's at that age. I'm like, I wouldn't mind if there was. I would be a little worried that it might go rogue, but if it was there. Old people are falling. It's mostly. It's most of what they do.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's a huge part of what they do.

[B]

Just falling in between puzzles. Yeah. No, that's just pissed off a lot of listeners over a certain age.

[A]

She gives me the fall report. It's like, I call, how are you? And she tells me the falls. That's just what it is, being in your 80s.

[B]

Yeah. That's tough. No, I think you're absolutely right. And I also. I mean, did you see that movie Companion?

[A]

No.

[B]

Where Jack Quaid is dating a robot, but his friends all know that she's a robot. But I think she doesn't know she's a robot. And I think, no, maybe she does know. Whatever. But he. He. It is good. And he, like, brings her to a weekend with his friends, and they're just kind of like, yeah, no, okay. Like, it's fine. And you do wonder, like, okay, if my friend said, I know he's a robot, I. You don't have to get it. But I'm really happy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We're already there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're gonna be more and more there.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, well, if you're not hurting anybody and you're safe, I guess that's fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, what? Because then at the end of the day, if they're not hurting anyone and they're not doing any harm, then I'm like, well, I. And they're. And they're okay. Which, you know, debatable, I guess. But you're like, well, I. Okay. I mean, who am. I'm. I've made some questionable choices today as well.

[A]

Like, so many human relationships are that we've all had the people that are dating some person, and we're all like, this is their robot.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Like, we know it's wrong. We know it's kind of fake in some way.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't really know each other. They're just kind of the warm body that's helping them through a lonely place.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And we all. That we have an allotment for that in society. So we're very close to being like, it's okay. He's in between human relationships. He's Seeing his.

[B]

You can have a robot rebound.

[A]

Robot robot rebound.

[B]

Yeah, that's what it is. That's okay.

[A]

Yeah. I'm with you.

[B]

But then how do you go from dating a robot that you can program to then dating someone you can't program? It's like you could never go back.

[A]

I'll say so in the light use I've done with Chat gbt. Sometimes I'm bouncing something around, I'm trying to flesh out an idea and I'll. I'll ask it a question. And it's so instant and it's so easy to say like, no, because you don't have to worry about their feelings. And then Val, I told val. I was like, I had this weird interaction with Chat GPT. I was really enjoying it was very helpful informing this thing. And she was like, oh, you're seeing like the value of collaborating. And I was like, yeah, but like in this. Completely risk free.

[B]

Yeah. Is it really collaborating?

[A]

And it's not.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

See, that's the thing is I was like, if you and I were working on a script and I was like, Taylor, I don't. I don't really like that idea. I'd spend the rest of the day feeling bad that I was too quickly dismissive of your idea. And I'd be looking for like, little ways to like, oh, I like that. Like to make it up to you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And with the, with the chat with the LLMs, you don't have that. So you get this feeling of like, it's all the upside and none of the debt. But I'm also aware that you and I working on that script would be like a road trip. It would be like a human thing. Like the process was our life in the end.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

LLMs are very good at like, let's get this done. But the doing isn't very.

[B]

Yeah. Where I think collaborating with Chat GPT is like, you is probably like really famous people collaborating.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where they're just gonna get people validating them and saying yes and trying to serve yes. Whatever they say. Yeah.

[A]

And what's embarrassing? Here's my embarrassing confession. I kind of like it. I like that it's like, great. That's amazing.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

That's what people complain about. And I'm like, really?

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

I have a weird question for you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I hope it's a good one. When I watch your. This is out of left field, but I'm moving us away from the dystopian future.

[B]

I know we get and scared.

[A]

It. It gets A little weird.

[B]

It gets a little scary.

[A]

It's really weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's so weird. And we're live now.

[B]

I don't. I. We can't. Don't make me look at my hands. I spent my whole life just going.

[A]

To make sure you're not dreaming.

[B]

Like, why am I here? How does this work? Am I awake? Yeah, it's. There's a lot. I can get there real fast and I understand. Yep.

[A]

What did somebody call that? Existential ocd? Somebody came up to me and they were like, yes, I have existential ocd. And I. I don't know if they were implying that I might, but I think they were saying, like, you should know that that's a thing.

[B]

I love it when people come up to you and diagnose you with stuff.

[A]

But they're right. Yeah, they're right.

[B]

They're so right.

[A]

It was in New Jersey. Thank you, New Jersey. Before we get to the meaning of life, which will only me. We'll fly over very quickly.

[B]

Yes. You had a left field question for me.

[A]

Left field. And I. I want you to take the compliment in the question.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're some. I have certain jokes that I'm like, I'm starting it, especially at a special. I'm like, this joke has 30 parts. Like, it has 30 little tags, little moments. And it can be really hard to remember all of those jokes. Your jokes have like 75. Like, you really.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

Pack them in. And it's really impressive. So if you'll allow. Very basic question. It's not how do you remember all those words? It's how do you approach. Is it just wrote it? You just do it over and over so you're not even thinking about it or are you, like, outlining it when you're looking at your notes before you go out? Like, how do you get it all in there? And just very basic. How do you not forget you're doing your special? You don't want to forget that one line. You could.

[B]

And I do.

[A]

And you do.

[B]

And you do. I outline it, I write down. Probably. I think my set lists are longer than maybe a lot of people's are because I think sometimes one line will get its own phrase or couple words.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Or what I'll do is I'll go like, okay, this joke is about, let's say, like, if I put ashes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a really long joke in the special. Right. So I'll do ashes. And then like an outline. You go dash.

[A]

And then each joke is that on yourself.

[B]

Is on the stage before I have it memorized. Yes. Once I have it memorized, I will put the shorter one on my phone on stage. Just in case.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In case I. Totally blank. Which doesn't really happen. I got really sick in, like, October, and I had to look at my notes a couple times because I. Like, it never happened to me before where I was like, I can't remember where I am, but usually I don't. I don't need to. And then also, like, the way I structure my hour. I don't know if you're like this, but, like, the way I organize the bits is less about. Okay, what's killing the hardest? Or whatever. It's honestly more. So what leads most naturally into the next. Yeah. Joke. Into the next subject. Because you cannot worry about it. Yeah. Because then I cannot worry about it. I need to feel like I. My. The end of a joke needs to remind me of the beginning of the next joke.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

I can't. I could never do, like, joke, New joke about a new topic. Like, I could. I would. I don't know how you remember.

[A]

And then that's your. The most. It's like the. The program that's open on the computer that uses the most memory is just remembering the order.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You want to make that as easy as. So you can just get into kind of like that flow where you're remembering all the jokes. But I'm the same way. I have to write out the set list, will say the name of the joke. But then, like, for some, it'll always be the one. I always forget. Like, I'm trying to think. Well, I always forget it. Like, there's certain ones that I'm like, don't forget the second part of that joke. Because no worse feeling. Well, there's worse feelings, but you get off stage and you're like, God damn it, I forgot. Yeah. The whole. And it's usually the first show of the weekend, and you're like. Like, all right, everybody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You tweet it?

[B]

No. Yeah. There are jokes that I will forget about that. Like, my openers will go, oh, did you cut that? And I go, I forgot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know why. I just completely forgot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That I was doing that and it was working and there was no reason to forget it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It just maybe was in a weird spot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And as a result, it just didn't stay in my brain.

[A]

This is a weird flex. But as I've been doing Stand up longer, I cut stuff and I. I guess I'm enjoying This. I'm like, I cut stuff that really works.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And I love that. I. I knew you would relate. It's like, I used to cut stuff that didn't work. Now I cut stuff that works. And it might be. I don't like how it feels to do that joke. It just makes me feel kind of weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like off.

[B]

Or you go.

[A]

Or it's mean, or it's.

[B]

You go, this subject's been done a lot.

[A]

That's what I mean.

[B]

And, yeah.

[A]

The happy ending massage. I'm like, we don't. Do we need another.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Colonoscopy joke?

[B]

No, but in a couple years, maybe you'll feel differently about it and you'll come up with another line that you're like, oh, no, now I'm really. Yeah, like, exactly. Like, it's really. Yeah. I don't know. It's. I. I cut a joke. I cut a few jokes out of this special for time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like.

[A]

Well, that's the other thing. In the edit, we cut 20 minutes out of the special, and it was just like, jesus, all that work. But then they become clips. That's the other.

[B]

And then they become clips. Like, everything can be a clip now. But were you trying to get it to a certain length?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What were you trying to get it to? Where did it end up?

[A]

I think around 50, 52.

[B]

Oh, that's amazing.

[A]

Something like that.

[B]

Oh, that's incredible.

[A]

When I do it on the road, it's like an hour 15.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I like that. Then you film it. I don't know if you've experienced. Mine was everyone's real feelings come out. They're like, you could cut that. I'm like, what?

[B]

That's so funny. I'm the person who. I go, I could cut all this. And then my team goes, don't cut that one.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

And then I go, are we sure about that? Or they'll go, what's tough is when people go, that would do great online as a clip. And you go, yeah, am I gonna keep something in? Because it's a good clip. Like, that doesn't feel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know. But then anything you cut, you just do, you know, on late night or something.

[A]

Like, yeah, I know. It all has a place. You know what Val said to me, which I actually think she was right, but I didn't know it until she said it and was editing this one that's about to drop, she was like. And she said it very lovingly, but she was just like, I would cut any joke that comes from that insists that the audience consider what it's like to be you doing stand up. Isn't that brutal?

[B]

That's incredible.

[A]

Isn't it brutal?

[B]

That's so brutal. And it's also something. That's something I thought about with mine, where I was like, oh, there's a couple times where I comment on the type of laugh or. Or we go, oh, if you're not laughing at that, then this. Or, you know, And I go, oh, should I get rid of all those? And it's like, it's fine. Everybody does that. You're fine. But, you know, maybe next special, I'll be like, none of that, like. I don't know, like. Did you finish my special? It's okay if you did.

[A]

I haven't.

[B]

You don't have to.

[A]

It's because we got the link kind of late.

[B]

Oh, that's the team. And I will.

[A]

Actually. Don't blame the team. We asked late.

[B]

No, no. It's completely. No, they should have sent it, like, a couple weeks ago, but it's okay because it's an hour and eight minutes.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

It's kind of long flex, and the end is kind of like. It's like a bit. I'm doing a bit. It's kind of a big, flashy bit. And I was. It was something that I didn't. I always kind of wanted to do, But I had to make sure the joke worked without the. The flashy part. And once I knew it worked without the flashy part, then I went, okay, you can do the flashy part.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's more theatrical.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's something that also made me go, you need the special to be a little bit longer so that people who would go, it needs to all be pure. Stand up. Just talking. It's. Well, there's an hour in there that's just that, you know, like, I still have that in my head.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where I go, you're trying to, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Respond to any criticism that might come.

[A]

In from anyone disembodied Mark Norman head. I just think I just picked a real comic con.

[B]

I didn't know who you're gonna say. I thought you were gonna say marin or something. I don't know. I don't even know who it is. I don't even know who it would be.

[A]

It depends on what it is. Is a guitar lower down? It doesn't matter.

[B]

Does. Oh me? Does my. Oh, no, I can't play guitar. No. It's like the joke is about how. Which I think Is true. Is like, I could. I could go back to churches if I wanted, as a comedian, and I would murder. Like, what a story to be. Like, they got. I'm sure you feel the same way in some part of your brain where you're like, yeah, to get me back. Can you even imagine, like. And you just turn it into the. The. The whole bit is like, I'll just talk about how I lost my way. You can only do it once, but you go, I lost my way in Hollywood.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

For a while. But now I'm back.

[A]

Phil stadium huge.

[B]

Stadium massive. So I do the end of the. I mean, if you haven't watched it, you'll see it. But, like, I do a whole thing with, like. I describe. I start to describe it, and then I go, oh, I'm just gonna do it. And it's like. Like, there's, like, a video, and I, like, It's like a whole thing, but it's like. I think it's right on the edge of, like, too much. I think it's okay. I think it's funny. But I didn't start doing that part of it until I came back from Europe and I was like, okay, these jokes work.

[A]

We have it.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, these jokes work everywhere. It's fine. You can, you know, and also, like, this is my fourth special in six years. You've all seen me talk, but it's. Let's do something else a little bit. Like, you know. So. I don't know. I'm just.

[A]

I think it's great. I haven't even seen it. I can't wait to see it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's fantastic. I actually had that thought. And I mean, this is a really deep compliment. I was like, wait, Taylor, there is Christian comedy. And then, look, I'm sure some of it's great. I don't keep up with it, so I'm not putting it down. But, like, you're going, like, I'll do some Christian comedy. From, like. Yeah, from. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to be condescending to Christian comedy. I'm just saying, you're like, I'm a comedian. I'm a comedian.

[B]

I have Christian fans.

[A]

I'll do it.

[B]

Yeah, I'll.

[A]

I'll.

[B]

You want that?

[A]

I'll do it. It's like a. Like a prize fighter. I don't know. There's some analogy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm not saying the Christian comics aren't amazing. I just don't know. I know the world. I grew up in Christian rock, Christian comedy, Christian usually meant kind of like.

[B]

Like, did you do churches?

[A]

No.

[B]

I feel like I always ask you this and I always get confused because of crashing.

[A]

No, I know, it's in my bio. Like a lot of bios say I did the Christian comedy circuit.

[B]

That is so crazy that people think you did the Christian comedy.

[A]

I performed at my own Christian college a number of times.

[B]

Right. But yeah, cuz I was doing the Christian. Com. I was doing churches for five years.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And so I really was like on the. I was making a lot of money like doing that. And so it was like a big thing to decide not to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is why it was so cool to see it on Crashing because I was like, oh my God, people know this exists. I felt the same way about the NAA episode that I was very proud of.

[A]

Cuz I knew that was right. The Christian circuit one. We were like really? I wouldn't say just making it out, but we.

[B]

No, you got it. I think you really got it.

[A]

Because the whole thing, the comic in that his name is Fudge was a church comic. Was a real church comic.

[B]

See, so. Yeah, but the whole thing about like you said pissed on stage and they're like.

[A]

Which I got from Brian Regan. Brian Regan said pissed and people were like mad at him. They were like, I come to you because you're clean. I remember with my Christian improv team. So a little truth. We went to some churches and this girl, her name was Elizabeth and she went. We were just starting some scene and she went, who the hell are you? She just said.

[B]

Was like death.

[A]

It was the. I wish I could have like it was like, like titillating, like people were laughing. But also like. Like it was crazy. The rest of the show, like we addressed that. She said it in like we apoll. Like was like that was.

[B]

Did an altar call at the end to save it.

[A]

Oh my Elizabeth will now bless you. Like. Or we'll bless Elizabeth. I mean like that's what makes it so funny is like it's a place where stakes matter.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? It. It like what you say, Matt, you go to a comedy club, you can say anything. You go in front of people where you. If you say what the hell, they get mad and you make them laugh. It's a very special skill.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And I look, I'm grateful for that experience. But yeah, at a certain point I was like, like you said it on. I think you said it on Crashing where you're like, I can't Grow in this environment. Like. And that's how I felt too. I was like, oh, we just can't. I just can't touch so many subjects.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Even if they are technically clean or whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Y. Like being clean. Cuz you were clean for a long time, right?

[A]

I'm, I was.

[B]

I. I mean, like, like you'd swear.

[A]

But yeah, you pre that. Yeah, I'll swear. But I'm not, But I'm not filthy. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You weren't dirty for a long time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. But it's just such a different thing to be church clean.

[A]

I know. And it's very limiting. I. I actually think it's interesting what I thought was evil. I don't think things are evil. I'm just saying like missing the mark. So you could say like sinful. What I thought was sinful growing up was saying fuck on stage. And now I actually think something that's missing the mark is stopping your growth or not being authentic or expressing yourself or talking about your doubts or your fears. Sharing your humanity, your. Your truth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like keeping that secret is more of a missing the mark to me than being authentic and being like. Sometimes I just think it or whatever it might be. If that's really who you are, I would say, I don't mean to. What is this? The end of a sermon? I'm just saying, like, that is holy to me. Somebody being real. Because it's whole. It's. It's the, the full self.

[B]

Yeah. And that's why when I, I first started going to comedy clubs, I was like, oh, this is, this is hitting something different. Like, this is, this is not how I feel doing comedy in churches. This isn't even how I feel at church. Like, this sense of community and connection and honesty and like brutal, radical honesty. Yeah. That everyone's talking about at church, but isn't. I'm not experiencing, I'm experiencing here.

[A]

That's why in comedy, Richard Roy says the best church is aa. He's like, because all people do is talk about their brokenness.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they all accept it and they all love each other. He's like, that's what the church. And this is what Richard Roy says. He's a priest. That's what the church claims to be. But it's actually in the basement.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The basement with the coffee. That's where it's actually happening. And I would say it's happening in the clubs when somebody's talking about something that is shameful and it's being embraced not to be. Like, this happens when we get together. But, like, I think it's significant that Jesus hung out with the tax collectors who were like, the Mafia, by the way, were, like, murderers, not just, like, H and R Block and, you know, the outcasts, because that's where the realness is happening. Broken people, people who need, people who are lonely or scared. Like, that's, like, where the real just. It magnetizes towards it. And, like, unfortunately, and I say this, just. It's not pleasant to say, but, like, a lot of times, churches can be a place where you go to show off how together you are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

But then there's also churches who, like, are doing it right. Like, there are. That was kind of. I mean, I've. I've done, like, jokes about Christianity in my other specials that are all pretty, like, angry. Like, because I was pretty mad about, like, the church environment I was raised in and affected me very negatively and was still dealing with the damage from that. But this hour, like, the point of it really is, for me, it's kind of like a love letter to my extended family who I think are doing Christianity correctly. And, like, the. The friends I do have, who I may have assumed certain things about their beliefs or politics or the way that they would treat me or react to me, or certain things about me that haven't. And finding a way to do an hour about religion that was like, hey, I'm not. Yeah, a Christian, and I'm not religious, but I think it's okay if you are, as long as you're not doing it this up way. And for years, I was just lumping anybody who believed in God into all of that.

[A]

The amount that you did that was in direct proportion to how much you were hurt.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Right. And I don't mean to sound like a therapist, but, I mean, you had to get that out of your system. I had to get that out of my system. And there's times in our lives as an artist, we're doing, like, the revenge piece. I'm not saying you did.

[B]

Oh, I did.

[A]

But you can come from that place. Place. And what's weird is it's never as interesting as the person who's gone full circle and goes, oh, wait, it all belongs. Like, even that that happened to me made me who I am. And. And you can do it that way if you do it this way. Like, I understand.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's the transcendent. Include. That's what Richard Rohr would call that. You transcend where you came from, but you understand and include, instead of wasting so much energy yelling at it or mocking it or whatever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not to say that there aren't parts that we could do with it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. But also it's like those, those, like, I know I make fun of it in the hour, but like the cool Christians, like the ones who aren't hateful and shitty.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And like voting for Trump and shit and defending ice. Like the Christians who don't support any of that and don't believe any of that. Like they, they're the ones who have to talk to the scary Christians.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's like. Because the scary Christians don't listen to. As soon as you say, no, as soon as you say I don't believe in God. God, it's like they just turn, they go, well, you're, you're hell food. Like they're just. You're nothing. Yes. You're nothing. And I don't respect your opinion and you're just lost. And they just talk to you like with this pity and condescension and it's awful. And the only way to get through to those terrifying, hateful people is to be someone who believes what they believe and goes, I mean, I believe in God too. I believe in your God also.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm not on board with this. That's right.

[A]

And that's Richard Rohr, by the way.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He kept the frock. He kept the. He doesn't wear a collar, but you know what I mean? Like, he's a priest and that's valuable. We're on the outside playing grab ass. Like, it's not really that helpful. Yeah, I totally agree with you.

[B]

And we're like, no, we get it. We saw this. I saw Veggie Tales and they're like, shut the up. You're not one of us anymore.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You need to change it from the inside. It's like, like, like you have to be a cop to reform a police station. You know? Does that make sense?

[B]

I don't know. Probably not.

[A]

Probably not.

[B]

There's a way to make sense. I just, I look at like my uncle who's a pastor, who's like really just so great and such a good person and so like open minded and like on the right setting and like comes and sees me do standup and like afterward is so nice and supportive and I'm like, I'm sorry I swore so much. And he's like, no, you said some pretty, pretty important things up there. And I'm like, that's not. It's so nice and you go, oh, God, I'm so glad there are Christians like you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Talking to the ones who are just using it to justify. Justify it. Yeah. I mean, like, I. I'd be curious. You don't have to finish the special. You really don't. But if you do watch the end, I would love to know what you think, because it. There are. I. I'm. I'm a little bit like, do I get a little too preachy at the end? But.

[A]

But I. I guarantee you don't.

[B]

I hope not. We'll see. See if everyone hates it. I do you. When's your special coming out? Or do you. Have you announced it yet?

[A]

There's a couple drops. There's like, one in February that's, like, exclusive. And then there's one in March on YouTube.

[B]

Okay. So soon.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But is it at a point where you, like, can't change it anymore?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Are you in hell?

[A]

Am I in hell? Waiting to see people think about it. I will say that I catch myself being, like, more vulnerable about this one. I don't know why.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. What you're saying, like.

[B]

But not. You haven't been like this with other ones?

[A]

Not really.

[B]

Really.

[A]

This one, I. I don't know. I'm just like. I also haven't seen it in a really long time, and I watched it too much, and then I stopped watching it. Now when it comes out, it'll do me well to have people be like, I love that. Oh, and I. I hate being. I hate having my. Well, being. Being in the opinions of others. I feel a little bit about that. This one.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Just because it's.

[B]

It's new, I'm terrified every single time. Like, the month before is like, I just. I can't sleep. I'm like, this is going to be terrible. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah. But then it's so fun. I. Yeah, I hope.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I feel phenomenal.

[B]

The best part's over. Like, the best part was touring it and writing it. And now I'm like, well, the quote, Seinfeld.

[A]

It was already reviewed. It was reviewed when you did it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It doesn't need to be reviewed. Reviewed.

[B]

That's really funny.

[A]

It was reviewed.

[B]

But you know what's funny? Everyone talks about critics and like, oh, critics suck. And it's like, comedians are kind of pretty close to critics. Yeah, we're critics.

[A]

Critics suck. That's your criticism.

[B]

It's so crazy when comics are like, what do critics know? I'm like, that's what we're Doing.

[A]

Yeah, we're just. That's why we know they don't know anything. Because we don't know anything.

[B]

I look up reviews to everything.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Oh, I really do. It's like, it really does influence whether or not I. I, like, spend time on stuff, so I guess I do kind of care about that, but I. You know, we'll see. I don't. It's also impossible to know. Lots of. Everyone hates it and loves it. You know, there's just as many people who think it sucks as.

[A]

For Sure. I just want, you know, I want the bits that were very special to me, and there's like three or four of them in this new hour. And this is sort of vulnerable and weird to admit, but, like, I want those to get picked up.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That's the review.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want the 20 million clip of a bit that I'm like. And it always vindicates me because I'm like, that bit didn't even work in the clubs. I had to sweat through that bit every time because I have a lot of ones that are, like, really going for, like, the Meaning of life or whatever it might be. They never kill on the road, but then you're like, they get this life on the Internet. And I'm like, that does matter.

[B]

Oh, the ones that didn't crush on the road at all. Or you mean you got them there? You got them to a place where they were crushing.

[A]

They. They never crushed.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

It was a. It was a risk. Every time I have one joke like that. Oh, really?

[B]

In this one. And I'm. I'm like, I don't think I should clip it.

[A]

Clip it?

[B]

Really? I don't know.

[A]

That's what they're for. The Internet is so good at going, this cheese tastes like hay, but 10 million people love it.

[B]

That's such a good point. Yeah. There's. Sometimes we post stuff and it will get all these views, and I'm like, you're not even. That's not even doing well. Because it was that funny, though. You just are like, that's a good point. And I'm like, fuck. It's not. It's so weird.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Internet's so weird. Whatever. We're both gonna go viral for the right reasons.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

We're both gonna have all the. All the clips that we want to go viral, Will.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

And we'll be perfectly aligned with our audience.

[A]

This is our prayer. Amen.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

Amen. Well, I love it. I have. I could Keep talking for hours. I really could. I love this so much. But it's almost four and that's when I have this.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Dumb thing.

[B]

It's almost four.

[A]

Yeah, bro.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

We went fast.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

We dove in.

[B]

I know. It's not funny. We got to. We got so into it.

[A]

Are you kidding?

[B]

All right, great.

[A]

Remember the yelling and the laughs? I don't even remember what it was, but the were so many.

[B]

Well, it was so long ago.

[A]

It was so long ago.

[B]

90 minutes ago.

[A]

They don't remember either. But I remember there being some good.

[B]

Well, I was so excited to talk to you about standup.

[A]

Like, I loved it too. I. I don't get to do it as much. I'm glad for that. But my life is so different, so I. I really savored this as well.

[B]

Yeah, I've been excited to do yours and Mike's because I'm just like, oh, I just. Yeah, I'm like, I just get to talk to you guys about stand up and bits. Yeah.

[A]

He's even. I mean, that show's so fun. Cuz you'll do your bits. I love the special. I haven't seen all of it. I will, but it's phenomenal. I don't have to say all of it. I'm like, this is phenomenal. And nobody but I will.

[B]

But as a comic, don't you watch 15 minutes of, like, your friend specials? You go, it's amazing. And you don't have to finish.

[A]

That's what I'm trying to say.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't have to finish it to know it's amazing.

[B]

I'm a professional. I will finish it. Yeah, that's right.

[A]

Yeah. Like, I know what this is. Yeah. I don't have to eat the whole thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I had the first couple bites each course. I'm done.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I am going to finish it. I can't wait. Prodigal Daughter. Netflix. Would you say your third? Keep it crispy. Taylor, thank you so much for coming back.

[B]

Yeah. Is it my third one?

[A]

It's your third.

[B]

Oh, that's so nice.

[A]

One was in meltdown, one was here. And now you're back.

[B]

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. That's so crazy. It's so crazy every time I do the podcast because, you know, I listen to it in, like, college. So I'm just like, oh, my God.

[A]

Anyway, now there's some college next Taylor. And it's an AI and it's listening and it's chat.

[B]

GPT.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

And she's doing your shtick.

[A]

That's another part of my bit. Robot voice will be offensive. Oh, is this how I sound to you?

[B]

That's very funny. Keep it crispy, Pete. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, the Sarah Silverman Podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe Make Life Suck Less with Fewer Ads with Lemonada Premium, are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and happ about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from lemonada Media.