We Made It Weird #100

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #100

Release Date: August 21, 2022
Hosts: Pete Holmes and Valerie (Val) Chaney

Overview of the Episode

This milestone 100th episode features hosts Pete Holmes and Valerie (“Val”) Chaney in a candid, freewheeling conversation recorded in Ojai—where the show originally began. In their trademark blend of humor, vulnerability, and philosophical exploration, Pete and Val reflect on mood, spirituality, healing, and the secret weirdness that connects us all. They answer listener questions about embodiment, parenting, purity culture, and (with much delight) coleslaw. Throughout, Pete’s recent encounters with Father Gregory Boyle’s teachings on tenderness, attention, and loving our wounds re-center the conversation in compassion—for ourselves and others.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Marking the 100th Episode: Reflections & Acknowledgments

• Location: They celebrate being back in Ojai, where the podcast started (06:02).

• Mood Declaration: Pete confesses to feeling cranky and emotionally “closed,” immediately setting a tone of honesty:

  "I'm just sort of in one of those moods that needs to be declared, like a mustache." (09:17)

• Importance of Naming Emotions:
  Discussion about how expressing difficult feelings diminishes their power. Pete references Jesus “naming demons” as a metaphor for emotional honesty (17:28):

  "Naming it is super super helpful... If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable."
  — Valerie quoting Fred Rogers (17:47)

2. On Mood, Mind States, and Compassion

• Mood Swings: Pete and Val analyze how openness/closeness of heart shapes perception of art, relationships, and even music—using “Brothers On A Hotel Bed” as a symbol for this dynamic.
• Buddhist Influence: They explore the Buddhist idea that mind states color thoughts, and vice versa, highlighting the importance of non-judgmental awareness during mental contractions.

Notable Quote

"There’s times of contraction, and I happen to be in a contraction... but naming it is half the battle."
— Pete (13:31, 17:28)

3. Spiritual Practice: “RAIN,” Attention, and Loving Our Wounds

• RAIN Practice: They revisit the “Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture” approach for working with difficult feelings (21:30).
• Letting In / Letting Be: Pete shares insights from the book "Letting Go of Nothing," emphasizing presence with discomfort instead of trying to fix it.
• Father Gregory Boyle’s Teachings:
  Pete, deeply moved by Boyle’s work, shares anecdotes and takeaways:
  • “If we don’t love our wounds, we tend to despise the wounded.” (23:45)
  • Telling the “three t-shirts” story—how loving our own wounds enables compassion for others (28:22).

Notable Quotes

"He goes, now I love my wounds because how am I going to help other people with wounds if I don't love my own wounds?"
— Pete relaying Father Greg Boyle’s words (29:56)

"Tenderness for its own sake… Because it’s beautiful. Be that ONE person."
— Pete, inspired by Boyle’s Larry David story (34:05, 35:01)

4. On Parents, Kindness, and Performing Roles

• Kindness as Strength:
  "I've come to know that the only strength is kindness."
  — Pete recalling Boyle (30:37)
• Roles and Authenticity:
  They compare “playing a part” (as pastor, comedian, parent) to the reality of complex selves, emphasizing it’s not fake, but a necessary social function (98:44).

5. Listener Q&A: Honest, Practical, and Playful

A major section of the episode is dedicated to answering listener questions, covering:

a) Healing from Purity Culture (60:32)

• Val shares personal experience as a pastor's daughter. She speaks about disowning bodily shame, listening to the body gently, and practicing somatic therapy.

  "The body is the one that has been with you through it all... Your companion, your temple, your spaceship."
  — Val (70:20)

• Pete discusses reframing sexual energy as “the charge from which the universe begot itself” instead of something shameful (63:46).

b) The Podcast’s Impact on Family Life (74:13)

• Both hosts reflect on how the show provided connection and honest conversation during lockdown, and continues to benefit their relationship.

c) Spirituality and The “Fifth Dimension” (77:12)

• Listeners ask about New Age movements on “ascending into 5D” and collective awakening.
• Both respond with open-minded caution, focusing on the present, kindness, and addressing “what’s under your nose.”

  "I'm more interested in... can I give you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich today?"
  — Pete (77:41)

d) Being a Pastor’s Kid Without Trauma (91:02)

• Val: Let kids be their full selves—“Just allow the wholeness of your child's humanity and... don’t project your own pleaser tendencies.” Encourages honesty about the "performance" parts of religious life and modeling real talk.

  "I just learned... if you just smile and listen to people and agree with whatever they say, they’ll think you’re a good girl, and you always have to be good.”
  — Val (92:03)

• Pete adds the value of letting kids in on the “conspiracy” (family mode vs. public mode) so they see the difference between authentic self and performed roles (98:44).

e) Funniest Height-Difference Moments (81:10)

• Red carpet photos described as “looks like you brought your daughter to work” (81:49).
  – Recount of Pete’s mom joking, “What are you, a pedophile?” upon hearing Val’s height (82:53).

f) Coleslaw! (87:19)

• Gushing love for all types of slaw, advocating for coleslaw on sandwiches, tacos, and everywhere (88:52-90:18).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (w/ Timestamps)

• Naming the Demon (17:28):
  "Not to be too churchy, but that’s what Jesus was always doing with demons. He was always naming them... Naming it is like, super, super helpful."
  — Pete

• Compassion & Service (49:39):
  "Service is one of the main factors that they found in all of the happiest people. Because it opens your heart and you start living from your heart space."
  — Val

• On Affecting Others (30:26):
  "That's the power of one person. ...Maybe I said this last week, but he’s like, we don’t want people to confuse our kindness for weakness. ...But I've come to know that the only strength is kindness."
  — Pete

• Healing Through Attention (20:24):
  "Everything in the world wants attention. In fact, when we say love, I think often we mean attention."
  — Pete

• Gift of the Podcast (74:13):
  “One of the most balancing and beautiful and helpful things you can do in your life is to have a safe space, which is what you are, to share how you're feeling, have that affirmed as okay, and then find productive ways to... work with your feelings.”
  — Pete

• Slaw Philosophy (88:52):
  "We should all be putting coleslaw on our sandwiches. We should all be putting potato chips on our sandwich."
  — Pete

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Additional Themes

• Gratitude and Community: The hosts close with immense gratitude for their listeners—the “weirdos”—and note the intimacy of their audience.
• Integration: A running thread is the practice of integrating self-compassion, naming states, and loving wounds into everyday life.
• Humor & Humanity: The episode maintains a warm, funny, and loving tone even as it delves into vulnerability and meaning.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening Reflections & Mood Check – 05:38–14:50
• Discussion of Father Greg Boyle's Lessons – 23:11–36:09
• RAIN Practice & Letting Go – 18:18–22:10
• Listener Q&A Begins – 60:07
• Purity Culture & Embodiment – 60:34–72:23
• Podcast and Relationship Impact – 74:13–76:14
• 5D Spirituality Question – 77:12–80:55
• Height Difference Stories – 81:10–86:50
• Coleslaw Q&A – 87:19–90:27
• Raising Pastor’s Kids Without Trauma – 91:02–99:20
• Closing Reflections & Gratitude – 103:03–104:48

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Closing

The 100th episode distills the best of We Made It Weird: earnest self-exploration, playful banter, spiritual inquiry, and authentic honesty with and for their community. Listeners are left encouraged to embrace their weirdness, honor their wounds, and “hand out more PB&Js”—offering attention and tenderness to themselves and others.

"Keep it crispy."
— Val (105:41)

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[End of Summary]

Transcript

[Valerie]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah.

[Pete]

You made it with. Yes, you did. Made it weird. You made it weird with Pete holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening?

[Pete]

Weirdos 100.

[Valerie]

One fucking hundred.

[Pete]

Can you believe it? We're running late because this is a 90 minute episode. So we just want to say thank you. Thank you, thank you. We cover that in the episode as well. It's a great chat. We take some of your questions, which were awesome. Come see me and Val's usually there, always there, at Largo. I believe the next one's September 8th. And then on October 17th, which is a Monday, we're going to do a fundraiser for Homeboy Industries, which is going to be awesome. Go to largo-la.com for tickets and if you like the show, please try a Pete's Pick. Katie, roll them. Pete's Picks. Like our friends at Everlane. I'm wearing my Everlane jacket. Deal with that. It's my fav. Favorite jacket. And you know what else I love about Everlane is they are a company of integrity and have wonderful values. And values should guide the decisions you make throughout your life. Because when you stick to what's important to your very core, it shows in everything you do. And Everlane is certainly no exception to that. Everlane is committed to doing the right thing from start to finish. That means partnering with responsible factories and ensuring every piece of clothing looks and feels great for years to come. This jacket, I have it in blue denim. I have it in black. I have their sweaters. These are not only some of the most ethically made clothes that I own, but they are the best looking and the best feeling and the longest lasting. They have a dedication to finding socially responsible factories through third party audits with certified partners. They design timeless clothing with quality materials and a focus on durability and longevity. And they have transparency in production costs for every item. That means on their site, you'll see what it costs to make, which is really the only place I've ever seen that they have. They are trend proof with quality made to last. That means say goodbye to unsustainable fad. Fast fashion. Everlane Designs. Timeless closet staples made with high quality materials that you can wear over and over again. And frankly, that's what I love the most about them. They are. Nothing they make is boring. But. But nothing they make is something like MC Hammer pants that you can only wear one summer in 1993. Every garment is made from the finest material, like grade A cashmere, Italian leather and certified organic cotton. And Everlane strives to use the best materials with the least impact on the planet. So they prioritize sourcing raw materials from transparent, recycled, organic and renewable sources so you can look good and feel good about looking good. If you want to do things differently from your core to your closet, shop everlane, go to everlane.com weird and sign up for 10% off your first order. That's 10% off your first order when you go to everlane.com weirdand sign up Everlane Helping people live their best lives with the least impact on the planet. We are also brought to us by our friends. This is another Pete's Pick that has been blowing me away. I subscribed. I used my own promo code and to subscribe the first time I tried it because it was incredibly high quality and wonderful. CBD I know there are a lot of CBDs I know there are a lot of CBD ads on podcasts, but Feels is a premium CBD that will help keep your head clear and feel your best. It's hassle free and delivered directly to your door. I love it. As someone who suffers from obviously occasional pain, nervousness, anxiety and sleeplessness, but doesn't want to have harmful side effects and want something natural and not pharmaceutical, CBD is a wonderful alternative. It naturally helps reduce stress, anxiety, pain and sleeplessness. There's no hangover or addiction. I love that it keeps my head absolutely clear and I never feel like I need to take it. I always feel in control and all you have to do is place a few drops of fields under your tongue and you feel the difference within minutes. The thing to remember about CBD is that it's finding your right dose that's important and everyone's dose is different. What Feels actually has is a little flight and I got to try three different kinds and dialed in exactly the right dose. Or if you're in need of a dose of Chill on the go, pop in one of Feels new CBD infused mints for a clear headed feeling and bonus fresh breath. In fact, Feels offers a free CBD hotline to help guide you and guide your personal experience so that you find the perfect dose. The Feals customer service team is dedicated to making sure you get the best use of your cbd. Joining the Fuels monthly membership makes your self care so easy you'll save money on every order and you can pause or cancel anytime. I will attest to that. The subscription discount is enormous so start feeling better with Feels. Become a member today by going to Feels F e a l s.com weirdo. And you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping. That's F e a l s.com weirdo to become a member and get 50% automatically taken off your first order with free shipping. That's feels.com weirdo. All right, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening to 100. The reason we're not saying more in the intro is because it's all in the episode. This is just the intro.

[Valerie]

Get into it.

[Pete]

100. 100, 100. I didn't do it right. 100, 100, 100 episodes. But I didn't do how you do. How you did it.

[Valerie]

100, 100. 100 episodes. 100, 100 memories in this podcast.

[Pete]

How funny. Didn't we start this podcast in Ojai?

[Valerie]

We did.

[Pete]

And here we are in Ojai for 100.

[Valerie]

Ending it.

[Pete]

This is it.

[Valerie]

This is it.

[Pete]

Goodbye.

[Valerie]

He's also live in my house. I'll be your shelter. Just pay me back with a hundred sweet episodes. That's also from Rent.

[Pete]

A lot of hundred songs in Rent. I don't get that. That's the word we're replacing. Wow, he wrote a lot of songs about 100.

[Valerie]

Yeah, he did write a lot of songs about numbers in that.

[Pete]

Yeah. We were just talking about this, like the fine line between talent. I'm not saying that fella. I wish I could remember his name.

[Valerie]

Jonathan. Oh my God.

[Pete]

Taylor Thomas.

[Valerie]

What's happening to me? How do I. How did I forget his last name?

[Pete]

Oh, it's okay. You know, people have enough moments in their life where they can't remember things. They don't need audio of us not remembering Jonathan Larson. Jonathan Larson. Wow. I should be able to remember that. But we like knowing people. What point is it, like pure talent? Like just like spur of the moment? They're creating stuff in the moment and at what point. And this isn't not a talent. But I know I've done this where like what you're actually witnessing when you think you're seeing somebody that's just like absolutely pure sterling, like a self generating star of creativity. When is that just like a series of responses that they've memorized, which is a talent in itself.

[Valerie]

Yeah, they thought of those at some point.

[Pete]

We were talking about Kevin Nealon one night. We were with Kevin Nealon. And by the way, there's no shame in being the rehearse model. Yeah, some people are the rehearse model. I am a rehearse model. My pinned tweet right now is I Just caught myself rehearsing for a casual conversation. And that's true. I catch myself all the time projecting into the future and then think, like. But, like, stuff that doesn't matter. Just like, what am I going to say to the hostess or whatever it might be.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete]

And then Kevin Neal, and you tell the story about the Conan story.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. So this was on Conan's podcast. I think it was the most recent Dana Carvey episode where they were, like, in a green room or at a party or something, and there was a lull in the conversation. So it was just like fades out, and we're like, yeah. So, you know. And Kevin Nealon went, where is our waiter?

[Pete]

Which is so funny.

[Valerie]

Such a good life bit.

[Pete]

And when it made me think back to when I was in seventh grade, it was probably seventh grade. I wanted to knock it down to six because I was still sleeping in bed with Ern. It was a queen.

[Valerie]

I slept in bed with my best friend.

[Pete]

It's different for ladies. For some reason. I don't. It shouldn't be.

[Valerie]

I know. I guess Brothers on a hotel Bed. You know that song?

[Pete]

No.

[Valerie]

It's Death Cab for Cutie.

[Pete]

It sounded like Ben Folds, for sure.

[Valerie]

Well, there. There is some crossover, certainly in my life I live. I loved both of them.

[Pete]

No, but it really sounds like. Like the way that it's kind of. It doesn't turn me off, but that's like. So I would prefer. I don't know what I prefer. I don't know what I want. It's boring. But Brothers on a hotel bed.

[Valerie]

It's a very sweet song.

[Pete]

I bet it is. I bet it is. I take it back.

[Valerie]

Sweeter.

[Pete]

Take it back.

[Valerie]

Is that my brother and I are close. And he. We loved that song at the same time, of course. And he thought that it was, like, a sweet song. Like, because it's about a couple, and he's saying we're like brothers on a hotel. And my brother was like, isn't that cute? Like, they're, like, playing and wrestling.

[Pete]

Because my brother thought it was, like, fun. Yeah. But it's like they're laying stuff and they're trying not to touch each other.

[Valerie]

Exactly.

[Pete]

Like brothers on a hotel bed. Okay. It's interesting. Well, I should concede, even though this is the hundredth episode, I'm just like. I'm just sort of in one of those moods that needs to be declared. Like a mustache. Demetri Martin grew a mustache. And I saw him at Rafifi, this club on the Lower east side, in, like, probably 2005. And he was like. He had the mustache and he was like, I keep feeling like it's a friend I have to introduce. So that is what that was a reference to, isn't that right? But I feel like I need to introduce just that. Like, I've been. Man, I've been angry. Just, like, kind of pinched and frustrated, and that's okay. I just catch myself like a dad. By the way, Leela's not even here. It's not like anybody's getting on my nerves, but, like, I was trying to fix something at the house, and, like, it wasn't working. And like, you ask yourself, did I pick this project because I knew it wouldn't work and I had to. There was something that wanted to get felt hard, like a stone. Like, really angry and mad and frustrated. So you sing to me. Another way to say this is that, like, my heart feels just a little bit closed, and I feel a little bit more fear based. And so I want to put up walls and not let things in. So if you were to sing like brothers on a hotel bed, which still is annoying me, like, it's. It's an. The melody of it is annoying to me. Like, brothers on a hotel bed. Like, get the out of here. Brothers on a. It. It's not the song. We were just talking about this. We see with our hearts. We see with our hearts. And right now, my heart, for reasons I'm still unpacking. There's nothing much to report. Circumstantially having a lovely weekend. Leela's with her cousins. Val and I have been going on dates and getting enough rest, and we're excited to do this podcast, but there's still this, like, pinch that I have yet to unclench. And as such, brothers on a hotel bed is not just like. Not for me. It's actually like, what fucking idiot would. Not you, obviously, but, like, who would write such a stupid, stupid song? Are you filming me? That you're gonna take your camera out to be like.

[Valerie]

No, no, no.

[Pete]

Like, when David Hasselhoff was super drunk, sad, by the way, and his daughter filmed him. I thought you were filming me to be like, this is what you're like when you're a monster. Because I don't like how I feel, but I want everyone to know, even though it's the 100th episode, and we're gonna take questions from the fans, from the weirdos, you're getting a saltier. Pete, what were you. What were you doing?

[Valerie]

I was just trying to remember. I'm Pretty sure Ben Gibbard was on this podcast.

[Pete]

He was. No, Ben was wonderful.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And he was great. And so was Ben Folds.

[Valerie]

Yes, absolutely. But that's exactly your mood right now.

[Pete]

I can't hear Death Cab for Cutie. In fact, one of the great ways. Meaning great meaning, like large and effective ways to summarize my life is these moments of close and these moments of open. And when I'm open, I confuse myself for that thing all the time. When really there's just as many moments of feeling hard like a stone as there are as feeling like a marshmallow with a heavy white blanket pulled on it. Just so cozy and warm and delighting and everything. But it's like, you know, I always reference when we went and saw Shakespeare in the park and there was the dance troupe, and I was just crying, looking. My heart was open. And if I saw that dance troupe now, I'd be like, see? Stupid. These people. Like. Like, it really is like red. Like that 70s show.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

The dad. Like, these people should get a job.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

You're not doing, like, it doesn't. It's not even my fault. I'm giving myself permission. I'm just saying there's times of contraction, and I happen to be in a contraction.

[Valerie]

But, you know, it's not your fault, and it's not even really very personal. It's so. I'm sorry. So, like, the last couple weeks have been really experiencing, and we've mentioned it on this podcast before because it's kind of everything. But, you know, the Buddhist idea of. Of you have your thoughts and that colors your consciousness, or it also is you have a mind state and that colors your thoughts. So.

[Pete]

Yeah. Which came first sort of thing.

[Valerie]

And. Yeah. Which I wonder, because I've heard it both ways and I wonder what they would say. But the mind state thing really works for me because it is like, there have been a couple. There's been some times during this. These last two weeks where I get in, like, a depressed kind of mind state, which is rarer for me. But you really do. Like, I just look at everything, things that are undeniable. Like, I make myself look at undeniable beauty, and I'm just the voice of it is it doesn't matter what you do. You're gonna feel shitty.

[Pete]

You said this about, like, music, like, putting on music that can turn your mood around or whatever.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete]

Is this. What. Am I hearing you correctly?

[Valerie]

No, but. What was that?

[Pete]

I'm sorry, I thought you were talking about look at things that are undeniably beautiful because it'll remind you that there's beauty in the world.

[Valerie]

Oh, no.

[Pete]

And I thought I was making the.

[Valerie]

Opposite point, which is when I'm in that mind state, state, brothers on a hotel bed state things that are undeniable beauty. And I don't get angry about.

[Pete]

No, I found myself mad at, Like, I could be mad at the sky right now. Like, it's just like I'm. I look at it, I'm like the transient nature of it disturbs me. Like, I was trying to meditate today and I was like, get honest, Pete. You just want to feel high. You just want to feel happy. Everybody wants to feel happy. Like, this isn't spiritual. This isn't deep. This isn't unique. You're sitting there closing your eyes, contemplating something deep in the hopes that you'll be feel with like an orgasmic rush of pleasure and peace. And then you'll go around defending that feeling of pleasure and peace. Like, same old song. You'll. You'll try to hold on to it for as long as you can. And then you'll be mad when some loud talking guy at the restaurant last night disrupts it. Telling us about. Not us, but you might as well have been telling us about the Ferris Bueller offshoot. Like, are you at our table? Are you at our table? Like, by the way, I had a great time last night. Meaning I haven't felt this way forever. Finish what you were saying though, because I misunderstood you.

[Valerie]

Well, yeah, I was just saying that it's good to. All there really is to do when you're in those mind states that's coloring everything, which really is obvious when you're doing something that you usually enjoy or you're looking at something that you would usually think is beautiful, and you're getting either anger or just sort of like a depressed shrug, like a so what? Or whatever it is, it's. It's just about like noticing that and being like, right, so I'm just in a mood right now.

[Pete]

Like, that's why this is the, this is the gift of this podcast. Which is why we talked last week about how I like that we're bound by the ads to. We have to do it. We don't have to do it. But there would be some sort of make good with the advertisers if we didn't do the ad. So, okay, here's this very grotesque commercial. And even as I'm in this mood, I'm just sort of like, am I some sort of shill or something? I Don't think so. But that engine keeps us connecting. And I get to sit here with you and declare it, name it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

Not to be too churchy, but that's what Jesus was always doing with. With demons. He was always naming them, and he always wanted them to name themselves. And I think those were metaphors for, like, neurological disorders, things that we understand in a different lens now. But, like, naming it is, like, super, super helpful.

[Valerie]

If it's mentionable, it's manageable.

[Pete]

Yes. And I feel better. I feel better. I mean, we've been talking for 12 minutes, and I feel better than when we started.

[Valerie]

And I also think, you know, this is not gonna be news to anybody who's been listening to this podcast for 100 episodes. 100 episodes. But also the move to do after you recognize it is to. To allow it.

[Pete]

Okay. Yes. I'm working my way so slowly through letting go of nothing, but I'm really enjoying it. The author's name is Peter Something, and I'm really loving it. And the first thing is I think it's let it in. Let the feeling in. It's very Valerie again, I think we're at the point I could be wrong. I don't think we're going to read anything that's going to be completely new to us. And that's not a brag. It's just like, these books are just going like, here, let me say it. Here, let me say it. Here, let me say it. And it's all like, let it in. And then the second step is to let it be. And what was really interesting about that. And again, I'm only like, two chapters into this book, but the let it be thing, he was like. And we've heard these types of techniques before. Look at yourself with curiosity and openness, almost like a visitor to your body, and go, like, what is that? Even if it is like a tension in your shoulders or something. And I do this as I'm falling asleep at night. I'll have a tension, and I go, stop looking at it as anything. Like, drop the label and just kind of send the scouts of your consciousness. Send a team of them. Send way more than it's even asking for. It's asking for, like, 0.02% of your attention to maintain this knot in your back. Well, let's send everybody, like a surprise party. Let's get the whole office to yell, surprise. When this knot walks into the room, the room of our awareness, and we all yell surprise. We're not even mad at it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And the crazy Thing is, after we yell surprise, the metaphor continues to work. It is now free to speak. It's like, oh, wow, you know this. And you don't even try to rationalize it. You just go, what do you need? Yeah, what do you need? And he. He really hooked me, Peter, the author. Because it was like, once you sort of get curious and get quiet and let it talk and. And give it your attention, it seems like everything wants attention, by the way. Everything in the world wants attention. In fact, when we say love, I think often we mean attention.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

What were you gonna say?

[Valerie]

Well, no, keep. Keep going.

[Pete]

Well, just that you can dissolve knots. He goes, pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. This is something we've heard before, and I've been doing that with my body. Let me go ahead.

[Valerie]

I just was gonna say, obviously, you know, we've talked so much about the practice of rain on this podcast, but everything you said is real, Val.

[Pete]

Every time you say it, though, I forget. This might as well be called We Made It, Don't Forget Rain. This might as well be the 100th episode of We Made It, Don't Forget Rain. Because every time you do, just to give you license, I'm never bored. It's like remembering that you have. This is kind of a confusing metaphor, but it's like you're in the Wild west, but you have your gun. You have a little. You have a little defense. You have a tool. Yeah, a tool would be better. You're in the jungle and you have a machete. You have something that can help get you out of a thick place. And let's see if I can do it. Recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture. So that's what you do with these feelings and like.

[Valerie]

And letting it. Letting it. What was the first one? Letting it in. So recognize and then let be. Allow. And then you were saying the.

[Pete]

This guy's ripping off rain. No, I'm just kidding.

[Valerie]

No, it's.

[Pete]

Truth is.

[Valerie]

Truth is truth.

[Pete]

And I even take it to the extreme when. When you're. When there is an unwinnable thing, like you're passing, like you're. You're going. You're. Let's. Let's all say, for everyone listening, you're a very, very old person and you're going to die. I actually think you can do rain there. Meaning the point of rain isn't just to remove it.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete]

It's to transcend it. It's not to solve it exactly.

[Valerie]

It's to be with it. It's to expand big enough to allow.

[Pete]

It and to get. I know it sounds to me. It sounds so impossible, but to be like, this is what it feels like to be mourning. This is what it feels like to be afraid of my mortality or the unknown or whatever it might be.

[Valerie]

Right. And to experience those feelings and to nurture them until we realize that we don't have to be afraid of them. It's like. It's like you go into it. Usually I go into the practice of rain because I want to get rid of the feeling. But by the end of the practice, I'm truly okay with it being there as long as it needs to be because it has become the object of my compassion. So I. I don't mind that it's there because at that, by the time I'm nurturing it, I'm like, well, I'm happy to be here nurturing this.

[Pete]

You've stepped into a higher self. You've. You've. You've unlocked your true nature. Yeah, I would say it's so, I guess, a way of saying my bad mood. And by the way, I'm glad I'm in a bad mood. If only to have something to talk about with, if only to have another reason to explore and uncover and dig and share and connect to all the people that are listening. You know, what I've been saying on stage lately is I go, I need this. Don't you need this? And I'm shocked when the whole crowd, it seems. I'm sure there's some people that are like, I'm doing fine, which is great, but there's so many people that just need. But really, I'm saying it to remember that, like, I'm not even here to administer a service or to, like, succeed. Like, I need this, and you need this. Let me. Obviously, people that have been listening know that I'm current, my current obsession. I tend to get very obsessed. And I love when I'm obsessed. It's a great feeling to have something or often someone new to be obsessed with. His father, Gregory Boyle, who. I mean, I just. It's like, I remember when Katie Levine, our producer, laughed when I was talking about when I was watching surfing documentaries and she laughed. And, yeah, that helped me see myself for a minute. I was like, oh, not everybody, when they start surfing, watches every movie that you can find about it. It's one of my favorite. It's curious, it's open. And Father Greg has already become like. Like a father to me. I don't mean inner person. I don't mean in reality, like, we're not hanging out constantly. Although when he did the podcast, it was very sweet and loving and nurturing and I'm excited for you guys to hear it. But I'm. Now I'm having this one sided where I'm reading his books and like I'm getting healed over and over by these stories. But he told this one. It's a bit of a heartbreaker. He's like a standup comedian who also just makes you cry. Like the most consistent, would you like to cry person? But in a beautiful way, like you're crying. I don't want to spoil it, but his book is called Tattoos on the Heart. And now I'm reading Barking to the Choir. And they're incredible and he's incredible. But anyway, the story that he tells and you can't ruin this story, it's just, it's a diamond. It's a diamond of a story. He tells this story about this. He calls them homies. These are, these are often former gang members or people living in the projects or whatever it may be in a certain neighborhood in Los Angeles. And he was being like, so many of them are being abused, is being beat by his mother. And he said he used to wear three T shirts. And one of them was to. Because he was bleeding, his back was bleeding. And then the second one was because you could still see it. And then the third one was to cover up so it would just look like he was wearing a white T shirt. It's like, I know it's hard for me to even tell this story, but like, his friends of course, would make fun of him. Like, it's 100 degrees. Why are you wearing three T shirts? And he was hiding his wounds. And now he's a grown man and he says, now I love my wounds. He was, of course, by the way, I understand every step of the way. You don't want people to know. You should let people know, by the way, if something like that is happening, obviously. But he didn't want to know. And I understand he didn't want people to know. I understand that. And then he, you know, had something change. And now he says, and this blew me away. He goes, now I love my wounds because how am I going to help other people with wounds if I don't love my own wounds? And then Father Greg says, if we don't love our wounds, we tend to despise the wounded. And I was like, can you get out of my. My, like, most innermost. It's like you'd need to see a Gothic castle, but a Gothic castle that goes down, not up. So like an underground castle. And if you went down the longest spiral staircase, like a turret, and you're going down and down and down and down, and then there's an old, old three foot thick wooden door, you're picturing it perfectly with the like little accents of steel. And you open it with one of those keys. You're picturing the key perfectly. Big old ring. And you open it and you push it open. And where my wounds are, like my most secret shames are, is I hate my own weakness. And I despise. Despise is the right word, other people's weakness. And I've been trying, you know, as much as. And I am still obsessed with Rupert Spira and Eckhart Tolle and everybody, obviously Richard Rohr. But what Father Greg is teaching me and showing me, he thinks the whole thing is about tenderness. And I used to recoil at that because I was like, I'm not going to pretend to be tender. I'm not going to pretend to be loving, because it felt phony to me. It's very Holden Caulfield. I'm like, I'm not going to pretend that I love you. And he never really says this, but he seems like, you don't do it for them, you do it for you. Sorry. He tells this other story. I'm going to try and get back to the despise the wound thing because I have something else on that. But he talks. He reminds us of the power we have over one another, which is such a passion of mine. Even listening to this podcast, the people listening right now, thank you for allowing us into your lives. Because we have this intense power over each other. What you hear, what you consume really matters. And I'm finding this to be the case with Father Greg. So for all my. It's all awareness experiencing itself, which is great. He's just trying to remind us that, as Mother Teresa said, all of the world's ills come from the fact that we forgot we belong to each other. So he tells the story about Larry David. This is in barking to the choir. It's like Larry David goes to a Yankee game and at the seventh inning stretch, they point him out in the stands and they announce that it's his birthday. And I don't know how many tens of thousands of people are at a Yankee game, but he gets a standing ovation from everybody. This is during the seventh inning stretch. Standing ovation. So it's gotta be. I don't want to embarrass myself 50,000 people, maybe more. I don't know. It's many, many thousands of people in Yankee Stadium. Then they sing in unison, happy Birthday. And cheer. Okay, big, big moment, peak moment. A kid, Larry David, I'm sure, went to Yankee Stadium when he was a kid. How could this be happening?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

You know, then he. And apparently Larry's told the story. He goes in the parking lot, someone drives by and goes, larry, you suck.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete]

And of course, because this is what we. It's like what we pay Larry to be for all of us, but we're all this way. He went home that night and couldn't shake the one guy and father Greg could. It's what I would do. Use this as an example of how broken we are and how neurotic we are and how obsessive we are and how, you know, we're disturbed. We can't accept the standing ovation, but we can. He doesn't do that. He actually turns it into an empowering thing. He goes, one person. He goes, one person. You know what I mean? He doesn't put it on Larry. He actually goes, that's the power of one person. And then you go, I can be that person. He also makes the point. Maybe I said this last week, but he's like, we don't want people to confuse our kindness for weakness. And then he goes, but I've come to know that the only strength is kindness. And I'm just like, oh, my God. It's not being nice so they think you're nice. It's not being loving, so they think you're loving. It's being loving to be the one person. It's for its own reward. It's to just be that, yeah, it's game over. I'm such a little politician. Or I was raised to be a little politician. I was like, if I act this way, people think I have a good heart or that I'm not going to hell. So anyway, this goes back to me despising weakness. And, you know, I do. You have certain friends that I make fun of because they're clearly just not intelligent in the same way that I value intelligence, by the way. Of course they are. A lot of these people that I can tease in a moment are geniuses in other areas, but I so despise their weakness because it reminds me of mine. So what I've been trying to do. This is a long way to say that. Instead of tripping out on how this is all everything is consciousness or whatever it may be, I still enjoy that. I'VE been trying to go around with just a couple more PB and J's in my lunch. Just regular motherfucking PB and J's to give away and to eat myself, which is tenderness, attention. Father Greg is all about, like. It all comes down to attention, but also that word tenderness and kindness. So I was shooting Night Court this past month. I was very lucky to guest star on it. And I would catch myself, you know, when you're working with people, there are certain people that you're drawn to. I'm drawn to confident people. I'm drawn to smart, funny, powerful people because they. They make me go like, well, if I'm. If I'm with this person, if they like me and I'm like them, and we sort of. I could even feed us, you know, feel us feeding off of each other. And then inevitably, they're going to be people. And these are not bad people, broken people, embarrassing people. These are just people that I can feel. Their frequency is different. It's a little more shaky. It's not on solid ground. And I would catch myself wanting to distance myself from them, maybe even make fun of them. But this time, PB and Js, for their own sake, not so God wouldn't want to kick me into a furnace. And not so people would think I was good talking. Like, I know I'm virtue signaling right now, but I'm sharing it because I'm telling you, it wasn't a good part of my day. It became my day. It was the point of the day. I thought the point of the day was to shoot an episode of Night Court, it actually turned out. And I started doing it to see just how, like, just how much I could give to what I just. To give it a way of thinking of it. I was like, find the least. Find the people that are feeling small or overlooked and find them and give them PB and Js. Give them. Even as I'm saying this, I used to do it because. And this is embarrassing, but you'd be like, oh, here I am. I'm one of the stars, and I'm talking to. You know, fill in a blank here. Talking to someone in the studio audience or whatever it may be I did, I would do it because I was like, I'm a good person. Yeah, you'd drive home and be like, I'm a good person. And when you're in the moment and when you're reminded, as Father Greg has reminded me, for its own sake, tenderness for its own sake, because it's beautiful. One person. Someone could have driven by Larry David and said, thank you or I love you. It might not have. We wouldn't have this great story then. But, like, to be that one person and. And to not get so deep and so philosophical and just give them a fucking PB and J. The end.

[Valerie]

I loved all of that. That's so beautiful.

[Pete]

But it starts with me loving my wounds. The T shirt thing. Sorry. Yeah, I just tie it all up. It starts with me going like, I'm in a bad mood. I. I fucking love it. I'm petty. I'm shallow. These are my wounds. I was. We could play back the tape and see where I learned these things. I'm not scapegoating. I'm just saying I absorb these things. I love that. I love that. I love that. It's okay. And then I can love everybody.

[Valerie]

Yeah, well, you see that everything is a wound. Even, like, behavior that is atrocious is coming from a wound. Like, healthy, happy people don't kill people or do awful things to them.

[Pete]

And that's what Father Greg says over and over. He's like. He actually says this thing. I loved it so much, and I don't want anybody to feel shamed or guilted here. But he's like. Somebody asked him why he doesn't own a gun, and he said, because I'm mentally well. He's like, I'm well. And that's not. Like, we know we have family members that own Gandham. Nobody's pointing fingers. He's. I just thought it was beautiful. He was like, nobody who's fully balanced again, I can feel some listeners maybe recoiling at that because I used to have a bit about this. I think the way some people feel about their guns is how we feel about our phones. That really helped me open up compassion. And I bet somebody would say, there's probably some holy person that was like, I don't have a phone because I'm mentally well, you understand? So it's not about that. It was just like, what I took from. It was a gorgeous level of understanding that people that shoot up places are not well.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete]

And that's why the 3T shirt story. He tells this other story where he's like, I got a pamphlet. He was at some seminar about why people join gangs. And in big font, it said, the number one reason young men join gangs is excitement. And he said, I could make A list of 150 reasons why people join gangs. He's only been working with gang members for 50 years. He's like, on 150 excitement. Wouldn't have made the list on there. Yeah, it's always running from something. It's not running to something. It's running from something. And it's always. There's abuse, there's neglect. There's just a complete lack of dignity and love and attention and all that stuff. Anyway, I didn't mean to take you off your subject.

[Valerie]

I don't know very much about gang culture, and I haven't read his books, but I really want to. But what I would imagine, too, is. Is genius about what he's offering is that the people who were in gangs, probably a lot of them joined either on a conscious or, you know, unconscious level in search of, like, a family of protectors.

[Pete]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And, you know, like, getting protection that they weren't getting from their own families.

[Pete]

I wonder what he would say about that, because. And I'm not saying you're wrong.

[Valerie]

I could be.

[Pete]

It seems like, from what I've read, I don't want to sound like I'm an expert, but, like, being in a gang is very dangerous.

[Valerie]

Oh, absolutely.

[Pete]

I'm not saying not being in a gang isn't dangerous. There's a lot of that. But, like, it seems like a. He says it's a lethal level of hopelessness. So it's not even like, these people will keep me alive. It's. There's no hope for tomorrow. There's no reason to get up, so you might as well not. I don't. I don't know if he would say, you might as well. But it's like, imagine being that hopeless that it's like, you go and attack this gang, they come and attack you.

[Valerie]

And I guess maybe even if not, you know, the sense of, like, a family or a protection, maybe at the very least, like, a sense of belonging.

[Pete]

I look again. I should have asked him these things. I'll have them back on. I absolutely will. Because I don't think that's it. I think it's. I have nothing. I have nobody. Everything is meaningless. So I'm gonna walk around the wrong neighborhood, like, to start violence because you're so broken that it starts spilling out into. I think you and I are like, it must be nice to have 12 friends. And, like, there are homies in the books that are. Like. When they were in jail, they would tell these stories. It's like Father Greg would write me. And he's like, none of my gang members wrote me or visited me. And that's not really a surprise, I suppose, but it is a surprise. It's like, oh, it wasn't that. It was just. It was just broken spirits. It was just broken hearts.

[Valerie]

Well, that's what I was getting at. Which I guess it sounds like it isn't this. But what I was gonna say is if there is like, you. You join a gang because some part of you is longing to feel like you belong somewhere, even if it's to something awful. He is offering, like a family to them where they actually are belonging and.

[Pete]

And a reason to get up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

By the way, this is homeboy industries.org if you want to donate. I set up a don't for sure. Again, I'm not virtuous signaling. I'm just letting you know I'm not just saying this. Like, I think it's an incredible cause to give to. But like, I think he's like, nobody with a reason to get up. That's his whole thing. He's like, if you have a job, if you have someone expecting you, and that's really what the job is. It's like if we really give you a family and belonging community. And I've heard him say this. He's like, you don't walk around the wrong block just looking to get shot at or to shoot at somebody. But like, this could be wrong. But I sometimes think of it as like. Or just now thought of it as like, the closest way I can relate is playing a video game. And you're just. And there's no point to it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

So why not, by the way, just do everything or just let out your hurt. Which I think is what a lot of us are doing with video games, by the way.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. But it's so lovely and I do love that you're reading this because I'll just go ahead and give you a compliment that you.

[Pete]

Sorry we have to go to the.

[Valerie]

Mid rolls that you are. Are so good at two very important things. One, you really. I've seen this over and over again for the last nine years. You really learn something new and immediately start practicing it.

[Pete]

Well, that's that tunnel vision thing, right? We've talked about whether or not that's ADD is like, what's in my toilet paper tube is what's in my life. And that's why to people like me, and I have to imagine a lot of the people listening, they're like, we better make sure there's good stuff in our toilet paper tube. That's not to say we can't look at other stuff, but like, if you're not feeding yourself Hope. Why would you have hope? I guess.

[Valerie]

But I think. Absolutely. But also I think it's really common for a lot of us to learn the things and then just kind of leave it at that and feel like we did it because we know what we should be doing, but we were off the hook of actually practicing it. And you. I remember that being. One of the first things I noticed about you is it was like, wow, you really, like, reflect and learn, and then you actually change, which is very, very cool to see and rare. And the other compliment is that this isn't, you know, maybe the, like, the non dualist stuff might be a little bit more appealing to you naturally and. And like more easing of suffering. So that's like a beautiful. And that totally has its place, but like, you are listening to something that is challenging to your way of being.

[Pete]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And that's very cool. A lot of people don't do that. They only do the stuff that confirms what they already want to be true.

[Pete]

Yeah. It's like we were joking yesterday. Whenever you hear about somebody who lived to 110, they're like, what? What was your secret? And it's always the same. It's always the same. They're like coffee, red wine, chocolate, and sex. You know, it's always that. And it's like, oh, so the stuff we're all doing, like, everyone's doing that. And you just happen to be a genetic freak of nature. You have longevity. Who knows what's going on, but it's not your secret recipe, you cringus. I don't know why I went there, but I appreciate that. But I really think to put a pin in this Father Greg stuff. Although you're gonna be hearing about him because, I mean, he's already changed. My life is going back to, like, the why, why be kind? Why be loving? And my desire for authenticity actually made me be like, but I don't love you. So I'm gonna be whatever. I'll be neutral to you, or I'll be quiet, or maybe I'll be rude to you. And now I'm really seeing that. Like, that's. Like I said, it wasn't. I thought the point of the day was shooting Night Court. It turns out the point of the day was to, like. It's exciting when you realize the adventure of the potential of building these unlikely bridges and loving people that, like, your brain says, don't be with them. That person's on shaky ground. But anyway, Father Greg, the way he taught me that is I believe him when he says this guy who has buried. I think he's almost 300 people from gang violence, people that he knew. And he. And I believe him when he says he wouldn't trade his life with anybody. And what a privilege it is. That's really it. It's like he's showing me that it can be a privilege if you change how you're seeing. Working with people that might not be intellectually stimulating, which I don't know where I got the idea I could unpack that easily. That, like, if someone isn't, like, giving you information or techniques or strategies, then they're probably making you stupider and you should get away from them.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And he's like, no, they're made of the same gold as everybody. And, like, don't change. He always says this. Don't change them. Like, don't try to help them. Make your life available to them. Don't reach them. Be reachable by them. And what's the difference trying to reach them or they reach you? The same thing happens. And he says this over and over. There's no sunlight between you. And he says it over and over that Jesus's desire was that you be one, that he would say that to the crowd, that you be one. And I'm over here. I mean, far more American than I am Christian, you know, and I'm not.

[Valerie]

Well, most Christians are far more American than they are.

[Pete]

That's absolutely right. Richard Rohr taught me that it's like the real thing we believe in is the American dream. And he says that's true for Judaism and Christianity and most of the major religions. Is like, you're actually just looking for something, like you said, that just won't get in your way as you try and accrue and wealth and comfort. And we're back to me, even when I meditate, I'm not. I'm not really. I can. I guess. But today I wasn't going in hoping to meet God as much as I was hoping for that clean blue light coursing through my veins, that I could then have a nice Sunday.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And there's nothing wrong with that. You said that. You were like, that's what everybody wants.

[Valerie]

Yes. I don't think that there's. That's what I was saying when you were sharing that at breakfast. Like, I don't think you have to say that with disdain, like, oh, I just want to be happy all the time. It's like, well, yeah, that's the human condition. We all just want to be happy all the time. It's not feasible. So we shouldn't give a lot of energy to that pursuit. But we can acknowledge and appreciate and not shame the part of us that wants that. And I think that there is. Oh, God, I'm losing it.

[Pete]

Is it because I pointed at you?

[Valerie]

Yes. And I was like, what were you gonna say?

[Pete]

No, I was pointing like. I didn't want to interrupt. To say nice. I love that.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Okay.

[Pete]

Before that you're saying it's also. Everybody wants to be happy. You don't have to say it with disdain.

[Valerie]

Before that. Oh, God, I can't. I can't remember it. Anyway, it was. I guess it'll come to me later.

[Pete]

It was Jonathan Larson.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it was. Oh, it was Jonathan Larson. That's it.

[Pete]

I'm sorry, mama.

[Valerie]

That's okay. Should we go to mid rolls and then take questions?

[Pete]

Yeah, we can. I had something. Some point I was going to make there at the end. Oh, yeah, that Father Greg said the same thing. So this episode will be out. I don't know if it's this Wednesday. It might be this Wednesday. I think it is, actually.

[Valerie]

Oh, I got it.

[Pete]

Go ahead.

[Valerie]

So sorry. You looked so hopeless just now.

[Pete]

No, no, I was actually kind of making it a funny like. Go ahead.

[Valerie]

So I think that what Father Greg has really figured out and why it makes sense to me that it feels like a privilege and that he wouldn't trade his life for anyone. It's sort of like that documentary, Happy, where they talk about how service is one of the main factors that they found in all of the happiest people. Because I think it opens your heart and you start living from your heart space, which just sees things with a hundred percent clarity.

[Pete]

Well, this actually is. This is perfect because like brothers on a hotel bed, I'm going to it going, what do you got for me? Are you gonna move me? Are you gonna inspire me? Are you gonna delight me? You're not doing any of those things. I spit you out of my mouth like the Old Testament God, I hate you. Yeah, because you're not doing anything for me. But when we're. When we massage ourselves back, like an inside massage, back into a loving space, that's when I could hear that song and it would probably make me cry.

[Valerie]

Yeah. That's also why I told you this morning, like, Leila's at her cousin's house, so I was able to like have a slow, proper morning where I did my somatic dance and I did my oracle cards and I meditated. And it really is so ideal to do something like that first thing in the morning. Because it really is like, okay, before the bullshit factory of the brain starts.

[Pete]

I love it.

[Valerie]

Can we just open the heart and see from the heart? And it's, you know, inevitably the bullshit is gonna come in. But if the first thing you did in the morning was shift the perspective from the head to the heart, that's going to stay with you all day.

[Pete]

Totally. And we're back to what we said at the beginning. It's like you don't allow the feeling to get rid of it. Excuse me. But allowing it does get rid of it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly. Yes.

[Pete]

Everything we've said fell in on itself. Like a sinkhole. Like a delicious chocolate mousse sinkhole, though.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete]

Oh. Anyway, when he did the pod, I was. I was saying, like, I really. I was making the mistake of separating the sacred and the profane. And I was saying, I just got back from Montreal, I'm all juiced. All I've been doing is stand up. I feel very separate. I feel very self obsessed and I really need this. And I said something along the lines of, like, because I realized in Montreal, it doesn't work. Like, just getting another plate of mashed potatoes, by the way, we all need some mashed potatoes. I'm one of the few people that's, like, privileged enough to binge mashed potatoes for a week. Mashed potatoes being affirmation, specialness, attention, attention. And I'm eating the mashed potatoes and I go, you know, this doesn't work. I actually need to hand out PPJ's, all that sort of stuff. I need to be connected. I need to be one with people. I need to recalibrate. So I was sort of, you know, lowering myself and being like, it doesn't work. I need God. It doesn't work. And he just goes, but it's also your gift. And I'm just like, come on. It's so. It's so seductive to love. And yet I do think there's parts of us that don't want it, that don't. And don't want God to love everything.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete]

And don't want mercy. We want to dole out little bits of forgiveness and the rest of the time we want to whip each other. And, like, I actually think the human brain or our reason is offended people. Actually, people don't. There's. He has critics that are like, how can you love these gang members? These people did this and this and this and. And people like, I hate you.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. I mean, when Rob Bell came out with love Wins. It was.

[Pete]

People were men.

[Valerie]

It was like the most arguments against love I've ever heard in my life.

[Pete]

Right.

[Valerie]

Like, that's insane. Insane.

[Pete]

But that. My, My. And I mentioned this to father Greg. My 5 Meo experience was a swim in the ocean of love that was so vast and so unending that it. Actually, it's not. I don't think it's what most people want. It's often what I don't want. I want a gold medal, and I want the person next to me to have a bronze medal.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

So I can go look. I'm. But then you see the ocean and you're like, oh, wow. Everyone. Everyone.

[Valerie]

I mean, I think I would just. I wonder. I think it is what everyone's truest self wants and knows that they have. But our brains and our egos also want love, but thinks that the only way to get it is through specialness, performance, principle. So it's. And a lot of that is conditioning. I don't even know if it is.

[Pete]

Of course it is.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I'm not even sure it's psychological as much as it is. Just. We're being told that in every way.

[Pete]

That's why your only hope is to believe that the news is so good, you actually can't believe it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete]

I do that because I'm in this bad mood today. I said a little prayer. I don't remember choosing to do this, but we got a coffee this morning, and I was looking at it. It was really, really good coffee. And I looked at it and I just said, God, I know you're here. And what I meant by that was, I know. I don't feel you. I know I don't. I'm not experiencing you. All I'm feeling is my frustration.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And I'm like, I know there's something bigger than my ability to perceive it.

[Valerie]

Oh, that is everything. That is so. I relate to that so much. I've prayed that so many times. And when I really do feel connected to God, I will pray. Please help me to remember this when I can't feel it.

[Pete]

That's right. I think that's. I know. We will go to the minerals and then I. We. I Instagram that would take questions. And we will.

[Valerie]

This is what we've done.

[Pete]

We've done it every time, but we're gonna do it. We're gonna do it. I feel I still have energy. We're gonna do it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

Do you?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete]

Okay, good.

[Valerie]

I've barely spoken.

[Pete]

I did do a few monologues, and I Apologize.

[Valerie]

It was. No, it was lovely. I don't think anybody's upset about it.

[Pete]

A few people are.

[Valerie]

Not me.

[Pete]

All right. Maybe they softened and to the people who are, let it in.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

Recognize it, get curious about it, allow.

[Valerie]

It, nurture it and get over it.

[Pete]

Oh my gosh. I just had a lot. I had to let out.

[Valerie]

And I appreciate it when we all benefited.

[Pete]

Get real. Anyway, I think end of life, my hope is honestly to have strung together enough of those moments of absolute certainty that we are held, sustained and supported and delighted in that. When I'm talk about a bad mood, when you're dying in a terrible mood, which I know, I love that, the.

[Valerie]

Idea of that joke in a bad mood, like, well, I'm dying, so I'm gonna. Pretty rotten mood.

[Pete]

I'm in a rotten mood today. But to go like, I, I have enough beads to make a necklace and you can look at it and go like, yeah, I don't. My body and my brain doesn't stand a chance, but my heart can remember the, the necklace. All right.

[Valerie]

Love it.

[Pete]

We're gonna go to the mid rolls. Thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for. Thank you for listening 100 episodes. And thank you for listening. And when you come back from these brief commercial announcements, we are going to take your wonderful questions. We'll be right back. Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by maybe my favorite new Pete's pick, which is real paper. I mean, it's wonderful that we have toilet paper at all. Remember when that was a problem? But trees are pretty great, wouldn't you say? I mean, they provide shade, they make oxygen, which we need to live. They prevent erosion, they suck up all that carbon. They provide homes for animals. I mean, is there any, anything they can't do? And to turn something as awesome as a tree, and more accurately a forest of trees, into toilet paper has always, to me just felt super, super wrong. These trees spent decades growing only to get cut down and literally flush down the toilet. I mean, even the tree from the giving tree get to give out a few apples before they turn their branches into a house. It's weird. This is why I love real paper. Real real R E E L makes a sustainable toilet paper that uses 100% bamboo. The great thing about bamboo is it's a fast growing grass. Some species of bamboo can grow up to three feet per day. And because it's a grass, they're able to harvest the same stock over and over without disrupting the plant or the soil. And on Top of the ecological benefits of using bamboo reels. Paper packaging is plastic free and and compostable. It makes so much sense. We've been using rills as soon as we found out about it, full stop. I don't have to remember to get it because we subscribe and it just shows up. It feels great. I'm going to say it. It feels great on my butt. 2. It feels great to know that we're not wasting trees. Why were we ever doing that when this was an option? Real Paper is available in easy hassle free subscriptions or one time purchases on their website or all orders are conveniently delivered to your door with free shipping in 100% recyclable plastic free packaging. So if you head to realpaper.com weirdo and sign up for a subscription using my code weirdo at checkout, you'll automatically get 30% off your first order and free shipping. That's R E E L P a p e r.com weirdo or enter promo code weirdo to get 30% off your first order plus free shipping. So let's stop free flushing our forests and try Real's tree Free paper. Real is paper for the planet. And show your support of the podcast. Back to the show. We're back in our reality. I just paused for a second and said we're back.

[Valerie]

Okay. We got. I got so many questions. Thank you guys so much for sending them.

[Pete]

I'm going to go to the first one that came in.

[Valerie]

That's a good idea.

[Pete]

Yeah, I don't want. I. I mean. Here we go. Can I do it for you?

[Valerie]

Yep, you go ahead.

[Pete]

Oh, this person also said you should get Mindy Kaling on the show. I'd love to get Mindy Kaling. She said that on May 18th.

[Valerie]

Are we saying the name?

[Pete]

I feel like I don't know.

[Valerie]

Just say the first name.

[Pete]

I'll say Ellie.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete]

What are some good ways to help yourself overcome purity culture slash trauma and learn to trust your body again? I thought that was a good VAL question.

[Valerie]

I love that question. I don't know, but when you figure it out, let me know. I'm just kidding. I mean, yes, I do think I still am dealing with this, but I feel like I've made some strides in the last 10 years over just obviously purity culture. For those of you who weren't raised in a Christian upbringing or other religions or other religions, I have to assume that's true. Is sort of, you know, staying pure until marriage. But it inherent in that is a lot of like there's a lot of sexism, like, the way it's the women's job to not dress provocatively because boys are just. They're gonna be lustful. And so. And, you know, that was the part that really made me the most upset, was that it was like when I was dating my. My first husband, who was the first person I dated as well. It was like we would be making out in the grass, and it was getting hot and heavy, and it was always like, I had to be the one to be like, we have to stop.

[Pete]

Right.

[Valerie]

And I remember being like, I don't want to stop either. Why am I the one that has to. To do that?

[Pete]

Because we're oxen.

[Valerie]

Yes, exactly. It's sort of like this, the Beauty and the Beast myth, where it's like, well, they can't help themselves, so we have to be the ones that are good. And there's also, in purity culture is. And this is, you know, more specifically Christian. But the idea of, like, your body is the place of sin. Your body. Your body is the last thing you should be listening to, because that is where temptations, impure temptations lie. And so you should always be, like, more of a. Trying to go more upward, trying to be more of, like, a heavenly person or being. And less. Less in your body, less on this plane. So obviously, if you're raised with that, that's gonna. That's gonna shape your relationship with your body.

[Pete]

And isn't that. I'll give you a compliment. The big gift I think you've given me, and I hope to the listeners as well, is. Is to see the body as an ally and a friend and something to trust.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete]

Because I think shutting it off. It's funny. Masturbation was such a way to, like, circumvent. It seems you're doing this impure thing, but it's actually because you can't tolerate how alive and alive is the only word your body is. Like, when I would be horny, it was always. And I remember saying this to somebody, and they looked at me like I was insane. I was like. It was like a fire. You have to pour a bucket of water on it. So drinking off or whatever. I know I talk about this too much, but I'm just saying, like, my purity culture experience was like, do that. Give the body one thing instead of being in touch with its vitality for an entire day.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

Nobody ever taught me, as Stephen Mitchell said, that, like, when you're attracted to somebody or horny even, that that is the same charge from which the universe begot itself that you're in a long line of attractive, attracted things that yearn and desire and want to express and create and to see sexuality as a holy and good thing, not just something that you have to pour water on. Poor Petey.

[Valerie]

I know. Poor PD and that. Actually, I'm glad you said that because I have friends who weren't raised religious who just through our culture were told that masturbation is grow. You know, it was like one girl in junior high was like, I think Karen masturbates. And they're like, ew. And this now 44 year old friend of mine is just now healing from thinking that masturbating is gross.

[Pete]

No religion was smart to co opt it because it is the baked in. Like, is this okay thing?

[Valerie]

Yes. And it's. And it's like children really kind of explicitly need to be told that their bodies are their own and that they can do whatever they, you know, without harming themselves. They can do whatever they want. But going back to, you know, how do we actually change our relationship with our bodies? The first thing I would say about that is we do it very gently and slowly and with kindness and compassion. Tara Brock says we wouldn't have left our bodies if there wasn't something in there that we're kind of afraid to face. So it's really important when you are starting the process of trying to be more embodied, that you go at the body's pace and the body will show you and you'll get better at attuning to it. Like, okay, I'm in kind of this uncomfortable feeling and I can stay and I can stay and okay, that's enough. And then we go and we. You take the. Take a walk. You go.

[Pete]

You're really good at that and I hope you don't. I'm not outing you. Like, you're really in your body. You're doing some sort of shamanic dancing.

[Valerie]

Somatic.

[Pete]

Somatic dance. So body dancing. And you share all of this wisdom. And I know you are a person that goes, that's enough. It's time to. Maybe we eat ice cream. Maybe we watch Will and Grace.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And I mean, I actually felt quite emotional there. I just get so black and white where I'm like, I'm either in or I'm out. I'm either being embodied or I'm not. What I hear you saying is like, and you're really good like this. It's like sometimes it's just time to watch the rehearsal on hbo. Max. Thank you, Nathan Fielder. Currently not replying to my email to come on the pod. Just kidding. Nath.

[Valerie]

Nath.

[Pete]

By the way, if he came on, how likely would it be some sort of prank or something?

[Valerie]

I know it would be.

[Pete]

I decided to go on a podcast, knowing that the host was a bit of a narcissist or whatever it would be like.

[Valerie]

So I rehearsed it.

[Pete]

Yeah, exactly. Yikes. By the way, that show's brilliant. And Nathan, you never. I didn't expect him to do it, but we were talking about the vulnerability when you ask people. I have an ask out to Beck and an ask out to Nathan Fielder, and I don't expect either of them to work, but there's this real. Basically, I'm constantly asking people on a date.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete]

And it works every once in a while and you tell yourself you have to keep asking. It's your job. So, like, if you ever get mad at the pizza pics, I hope you don't just know that that's making it tolerable to be like, hi, Nathan. You know what I mean? That's the job of it. The episodes are great, but the booking and all this stuff, that's what makes it a job. Okay.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So just going slowly as you're reentering your body and little things. You know what was a shift for me was when I realized that my body does so much for me. Just. Just practically speaking, there is digestive systems and nervous systems and fascia and, you know, like flora or organs and gut microbiome. Like, there's so many systems in place that I never even have to know about. They're just running and they're doing. It's just doing its thing. It's running for me to keep me alive, which is loving. And also emotionally, my body has held so much. So, like, a real turn for me was in therapy. And that's the other tip I would give is trying to find a somatic therapist. I think that's. That's 90% of how I have changed my relationship with my body is that I have a therapist who constantly brings me back to my body. And you can search. I found one in Texarkana Tech. I found two in Texarkana, Texas, which is where my parents live. So if you. If I can find them there, usually if you Google Search Somatic therapist, you can find one somewhere nearby. And I remember sharing with her that I used to have stomach aches when I was a kid and. And like, connecting that it had something to do with my trauma, my childhood trauma, which I was hiding from my mom. And I would have these stomach aches. And my mom, that's how my mom knew something was going on. And my mom, My therapist said. And that's a. Yeah, it's okay. My therapist said, oh, so your stomach spoke up for you when you couldn't.

[Pete]

I'm dead.

[Valerie]

And that turned everything that was like, in those, like, therapy moments, like an aha moment. Because it just instantly it was so clear.

[Pete]

Wow, Val, that's a game changer, right? That's like when I had the bald spot on the side of my head. It's like, oh, your hair stood up for you, spoke out for you.

[Valerie]

So your body is the one that has been with you through it all and holding it all and working, functioning, keeping you alive in spite of it all. It's your companion, it's your temple, it's your spaceship, it's your.

[Pete]

Yeah, it's.

[Valerie]

It's your first love. Like a child looks at their hands. A baby looks at their own hands. The way that you look at somebody you're in love with. Like, it is so, yeah, personal and it's your home. And even if it doesn't feel, feel this. That way, there's sort of just this practice of shifting slowly, noticing when you're turning back, you're turning against it and being like, wait a minute. Thank you for all that you carry. Thank you for all that you've done for me and continue to do for me. So talking to your body, like gentle touches. I'm constantly now, like, rubbing my head, head rubbing my forehead.

[Pete]

I was just thinking about that this morning. Like, when I get overwhelmed, I'll put my hand on my heart like you taught me. Like a flat out palm on my heart. And then I was like, isn't it funny that if we were in a silent film and I wanted to pantomime that, I was shocked. I'd go. And it's like, we know that when we need comfort, we touch our heart. It's not just for Charles Chaplin.

[Valerie]

That's right. And my therapist also during this most recent therapy session. So, like last week, you know, she was just reminding me, like, you can, you know, hug yourself. She said, oh, my, my arm is feeling a little bit cold. There's a warm hand right at my fingertips. And then we laughed. And she's like, my fingertips are right at my fingertips. Like it's. It's like it's all just right there. Everything you need, you can give your body. So that's just how I would start to. To change the relationship and Then obviously, listen to the previous 99 episodes of this podcast, and I'm sure. Okay, I will have lots more to say.

[Pete]

I love that. The reason I'm on my phone is you're gonna read one and I'm gonna set a timer for two minutes. That way we can do a bunch of them.

[Valerie]

You're right. I talked about that one for so long.

[Pete]

Stop it. That is not. You think that's what I meant? No, that is not what I meant. I. I'm thinking of Valerie. I'll end the podcast right now. I have that power. Keep it. Keep it.

[Valerie]

Don't do it.

[Pete]

What I'm saying is I'll end it before you even think that's what I'm saying.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete]

I'm saying now that we've done that, which is what we normally do for the hundredth episode, to get more weirdos on, we'll do two minute answers.

[Valerie]

Yes. Okay. This is from Robert Matheson, who is last names now. Oh, well, I mean, I feel like.

[Pete]

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[Valerie]

He is.

[Pete]

I'm.

[Valerie]

Is it? Oh, now I'm like Discord. I almost said Doxy.

[Pete]

Oh, our Discord friend.

[Valerie]

Yeah, he is. He is a friend from the Discord group, which I know there's lots of members. Thank you all so much for doing that and participating in that. So I'm going to read this. Val, congrats to you and pete on episode 100 from everyone in the you made it, Weirdos Discord Group. It's truly been a gift and a joy since you joined the podcast. And having a sleepy Sunday in the in with the podcast is like a retreat to a magical reality. For a question, I'd love to know, what would you say the podcast has done in total for your relationship with each other and your relationship with Leela? It seems like the podcast is a great way to check in and be close as a family. Thank you so much for a hundred. Oh, great. Amazing. Wait. Yes. Okay. Perfect. I lost it for a second, but I think that was it. Thank you so much for those kind words, Robert. That's nice.

[Pete]

I'm hitting start.

[Valerie]

So what has it done for our relationship and our relationship with Leela?

[Pete]

Well, I can say it real quick. I think one of the most balancing and beautiful and helpful things you can do in your life is to. To have a safe space, which is what you are. To share how you're feeling, have that affirmed as okay, and then find productive ways to enhance or work with your feelings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And what's Better for a relationship or even a family than that. It's exactly what was. I don't want to shit on my family, but we have so little time. So I just will. It's just what was missing is just like the joke. And I'm almost done with my minute here, but the joke being like, if my father had been like, I'm really sorry I pulled a U turn in the Winnebago over there. I just, I felt overwhelmed and I felt like I was above my body. Like, it just would have been like. So that's what we're doing.

[Valerie]

Yeah, absolutely. And we started it when.

[Pete]

Oh, God, you're good. Do you have a full minute? That was only a minute.

[Valerie]

Oh, that was nice. Thank you for giving me a minute. We started in the, like during lockdown, when we were with Leela nonstop. Remember? That's why we started this. So we had no. We could not have a conversation. And it really got us through that time because we knew at least for like an hour and a half, once a week we would get to just have like a locked on conversation. And then that's just continued. Even though she goes to school and. And we're. We've resumed life. Oh, yeah. It's just, I think that this is something that everybody should do who's in a long term relationship. Just like, try to figure out a way to set aside an hour and a half where you can really lock on to each other.

[Pete]

Yeah, agreed.

[Valerie]

And your child will benefit from that too, because you, you know, are close. Okay. You're doing a countdown, so I am losing my train of thought.

[Pete]

Oh, sorry, baby, that was rude. I just wanted to let you know.

[Valerie]

Okay, Yeah, I appreciate.

[Pete]

Oh, it's my turn, isn't it?

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's your turn.

[Pete]

Okay, now I'll do the most recent one. Okay. I have a spirituality question. This is Michelle. Have you guys heard about this brand of spirituality that believes in a new earth? That we are ascending out of 3D energy into 5D energy? That a shift is happening rapidly and that all systems not working for us will soon crumble, that each of us who awakens spiritually contributes to raising the collective vibe, etc. And have you heard of Chiron? Lee Carroll has supposedly been channeling. Do we know Lee Carroll? Channeling a loving energy is providing instructions for this awakening process. It's all fascinating to me. Smells a little like conspiracy theory, but such a loving and positive one. Wondering your thoughts. P.S. i love you so much. You helped me raise my vibe, make me feel seen, and even shape who I am becoming as a person. Thank you.

[Valerie]

Nice.

[Pete]

That's interesting. I think it's funny. Okay, starting the timer that we had that PB&J conversation. Something that David Nichtern and I say, he's a Buddhist teacher. We say, and then what A lot. This is a very interesting idea. I am first in line for something about we're moving into the fifth dimension. And somebody just sent me a biologist who wrote a book called Science Set Free. His name is Rupert something. It was very interesting. He was talking about how the speed of light seems to change in small ways every once in a while. And maybe there's something about the rotation of the Earth that the data changes in a predictable way, but we're not looking. And all that stuff is really, really interesting. I just. The way that I am right now, and especially since I'm almost out of time, I'm more interested that may be a possibility in the same way that God's infinite plan and movement and progression is always present regardless of our mood. I'm just more of a. Can I give you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich place? So it could be. But also like. And then what I'm going to be loving today. I'm going to work on myself today. I'm going to try and be in my heart today. I'm going to try to be grateful today and expansive today. And if there's a five. Five dimension plan value of 44 seconds.

[Valerie]

No, I mean, you can take up the time on this. I feel like I don't have a lot of wisdom. I was going to say something really similar, which is. That's really interesting. If that's resonating with you in some deep way, then like, I always think it's a good idea to follow what's resonating. And it is like. Well, all I know is that everything is constantly changing. Nothing is permanent. The world will always be changing and evolving. And as long as we're in it, all of our emotions and thoughts are constantly changing and evolving. So the way that I find myself to be able to raise my frequency from, like, things like fear and grasping to things like flow and compassion is to just allow. Recognize that everything's always changing and allow it.

[Pete]

That's what I like about this. Regardless of whether we're over two. But it doesn't matter whether or not it's literally true. What I like about that is it's a reminder that this is not meaningless, that it's in flux and that every atom, everything here, is evolving and progressing. It's A helpful. It's a helpful metaphor if that's all it is. And it could be a reality as well. Yeah, but it's like I say about, what if we're living in a simulation? I'm like, that doesn't. That doesn't answer anything really that interesting. It talks about the sort of the history of humanity, like, maybe we built machines and now we're just locked into something. But it doesn't answer what awareness is or where your memories are or where your. What. How vision is. I mean, I know we have some ideas, but, like, how awareness constructs itself.

[Valerie]

I also. It's making me think of. I saw on Instagram a video of Henry Miller, of all people, talking about, like, the secret is to just, like, live moment to moment, is what he said. But being present, he's like, so many people are focused on things down the line or in their periphery, and he's like. He goes. He's like. Holds his fingers up to his nose, and he's like, just focus on what's right here, like what's right under your nose. And then focused on the next thing that's right under your nose. And it's so good, simple. And, like, such a relief for me.

[Pete]

Well, it just locked me onto you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

I asked Father Greg. I was like, how do you stay renewed? And he was like, with every breath, he's like, you need it. With every breath is like, another chance to come back and remember and lock in and all that.

[Valerie]

Love that.

[Pete]

Beautiful.

[Valerie]

Okay, so my. My friend Travis Williams from Humboldt asks, what is the funniest thing that's happened as a result of your height difference? So I thought we'd take a little light one.

[Pete]

Oh, I love that. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Isn't that fun? I'm trying to think. Well, I remember being afraid that our wedding photos were gonna look insane.

[Pete]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

But they actually worked. Like, we've figured out. I've figured out a tippy toe. You've figured out a bending down.

[Pete]

Yeah. I'm like an uppercase S that actually.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it does work. The first thing that I could think.

[Pete]

Of is red carpet photos.

[Valerie]

Red carpet photos look like you brought your daughter to work.

[Pete]

I wouldn't say that. I would say it looks like I have a very short wife.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete]

Compared to this green bean.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

But there are photos. You can find photos online of us, and you don't like any of them. And a lot of them are where. And that's why we walk red carpets still. Because I'm like, maybe this will replace those.

[Valerie]

That's what it is. It's so stupid because I. I don't care about doing red carpets, but for some reason, all of, like, the worst photos of my life are on if you image search. Yeah, Pete.

[Pete]

And I don't look great either because I'm like, some of them, I'm squatting.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

I don't know what to do to get to your level, but it doesn't come up that. That much.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But I do remember you telling your mom when we were dating, you telling your mom that I was 5:1, and you were saying it like a sweet thing. Like, you're like, she's small and it's cute, and. And she said, what are you, a pedophile? I'm sorry, do you not want me to tell that story?

[Pete]

No, I'm just. Oh, don't get me started. There was a whole. I was listening to Father Greg and having. I was crying in my green, green room. Dressing room, just listening to story after story, like that three T shirts story. And my mom called me by accident, and I answered. I knew it was a pocket dial or whatever. I answered. And I was just determined to be tender to her. I was talking about this trip. They're gonna come visit us. And I was telling her, yeah, I know. I was telling her when she could come, and she wanted to come a day earlier, like, sort of arbitrarily with like, oh, we could come on this day. I was like, yeah, but that would be seven days. Like, that's too long. And I. I immediately went from heart open to absolutely seeing red. Not with her. I mean, I sort of got frustrated and let my feelings be known, but I had to vent to somebody. I couldn't be funny until I vented. So anyway, that's not really necessary. I just want people to know that even when I'm reading Father Greg and feeling so in touch sometimes, what are you, a pedophile? Is all I need to be. Like, I'll burn the whole thing to the ground.

[Valerie]

Also, I think it's really funny that she pronounces it pedophile. I'm sorry.

[Pete]

No, no, it's okay.

[Valerie]

I really thought.

[Pete]

It's funny. I do just want to be tender and in love all the time. And I guess I should be grateful. I think I've said it a million. I think I'm of more service to the people listening because I can have one phone call.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete]

And I go from holy to ass holy.

[Valerie]

There's. There's. I just came across a quote that I had taken a picture of, and I Probably had sent you already by Jung. It's. It's Y U N G so Young Pueblo. He's a poet. And it said, basically, your. You are not your first reaction. You are the response that happens afterwards. Your first reaction is just your past, and what happens next is the marker of your growth.

[Pete]

Wow.

[Valerie]

And I really thought of you because you've been so hard on yourself about that, about reacting to your mom.

[Pete]

It's just so embarrassing. Sometimes you're levitating on a cushion, and then your mom's like, I go, you. So you can come on the 21st. Can't he come in the 20th? You never want what I offer. You only want what I don't offer. Why must you test me?

[Valerie]

Cate Blanchett in Lord of the Rings.

[Pete]

Oh, my God. I relate to Cate Blanchett in Lord of the Rings. That's how I get Frodo Baggins. Like that.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

You go from this beautiful light filled.

[Pete]

With me that made me feel so seen. Cate Blanchett in the white gown answered. And then she was like, or we could come 24 hours earlier after. I'm already offering an even longer than usual. And I called, and the first thing she said was, oh, I accidentally called you. I'm so embarrassed. And I was like, don't be embarrassed. These phones are so confusing. Like, I was being like, Mr. Rogers. Yeah, that happens to me all the time. It doesn't. Like, I totally get it. I'm just happy to hear from you. How are you? And then I was like, I'm excited for your visit. Of course. I have every feeling about the visit, and a lot of them are not great. And I'm trying to be tender. Maybe we could get. And I'm like, anyway, I'm only sharing that for people that need to hear that they're not alone, that you can feel really locked in and then really locked out.

[Valerie]

It's the nature of everything. Remembering and forgetting.

[Pete]

Thank you.

[Valerie]

Do I have one? But it's your turn, right?

[Pete]

Is it my turn?

[Valerie]

I think it's your turn, but I can share this one I have.

[Pete]

Okay, I'm gonna pick one at random.

[Valerie]

And to everybody whose questions we aren't getting to, because I know that we have way more than we can.

[Pete]

Okay.

[Valerie]

Maybe we can, say, do a part two where we answer more questions.

[Pete]

Yeah. It's great to have these. Reagan or Regan? I'm guessing it's Reagan.

[Valerie]

I would guess Reagan.

[Pete]

Yeah, you're right. It's probably Regan. She said, okay. Okay. I really would love to Know your guys thoughts on slaw. The coleslaw as other people know it. Reagan. Reagan. Regan. I love coleslaw.

[Valerie]

You love coleslaw.

[Pete]

I love coleslaw.

[Valerie]

You love.

[Pete]

There was a tray at J Calf, Regan. Remember J. Calf? It was the, it was the nerd cafeteria. I know it's very trendy to be a nerd, but this is when me and my friend Igor and Hanwe and Ivan Poon. It was not fucking cool, you guys. It wasn't Robert Downey Jr. It was a bunch of fucking dorks in our fart smelling jeans and our weird shoes and the tongues on the sneakers sticking out would eat in J Calf. The math building. And there was a free vat of coleslaw. It's disgusting. I can't, I can't even imagine that I ate it. Yeah, but so you could order your lunch, but then coleslaw was just like available. I would go back and get a. Like I'd eat my whole lunch and then I'd get the whole tray pretty much filled with coleslaw and love it. It's hydrating. It's cabbage. It's sweet, it's tangy, it's amazing. There's. It's a hydrating food. It's hydrating. If you're thirsty, they should give it out at the end of marathons. Okay, I'm talking a lot. Wet, cold.

[Valerie]

Okay. But I have questions. Everybody knows.

[Pete]

Insists upon itself. Lois.

[Valerie]

It insists upon itself. Okay.

[Pete]

I'll even take a non dairy coleslaw, which of course this is what I'm.

[Valerie]

This is what I was wondering because obviously there's so many variations in coleslaw. There's like the red cabbage kind of vinegar coleslaw, which I actually prefer.

[Pete]

Love it.

[Valerie]

And then there's the more white.

[Pete]

I love that too. And this was, this was like government issued, like mayonnaise, only white. Fine chopped coleslaw. And I, I wish I had some right now. Also coleslaw on a sandwich. Wait, wake the up, everybody. We should all be putting coleslaw on our sandwiches. We should all be putting potato chips on our sandwich. Where is. I say this with love as a soft man. So when I say fat guy. Oh.

[Valerie]

Oh God.

[Pete]

I'm saying where's the fat style sandwich? I know maybe fat sounds, but I don't want like a mozzarella stick.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

Make a nice respectable, tax paying, jury duty attending sandwich.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

Just put some coleslaw on it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Also put coleslaw. Please put coleslaw on any of my tacos.

[Pete]

Get the out I'm so happy.

[Valerie]

Citrus coleslaw if you give me an Asian slaw. Oh, forget it.

[Pete]

I'll marry you if there's a little sort of. What's it called? Marinated, tiny mandarin orange slice in the slaw. And maybe something spicy, too.

[Valerie]

Oh, I love, like a. I chopped jalapenos in a slaw.

[Pete]

God help us. I mean, who knew I needed that question? Regan, thank you.

[Valerie]

Okay, so let's do this question, because I think it's kind of. I just am excited to answer it. And then you find maybe a lighter one to end on, because we have bluegrass brunch in 15 minutes. And then to everyone else whose question we didn't get to. I really do want to answer them.

[Pete]

Because we'll get to them.

[Valerie]

You ask the most beautiful questions. Okay, so this is from Samantha, and she said, my husband and I love your episodes. My husband is a pastor, and we have two daughters under the age of two.

[Pete]

Two.

[Valerie]

Wow. Samantha, how did you do that? That is really impressive. Just that they're under the age of two. How are you doing it? So, so impressive. Okay. Val, could you talk on an episode about having a parent who is a pastor? Any advice for us about raising our girls as the pastor's kids without adding trauma? I love this question. I could definitely go more. You know, I could go very deep into it, but we don't have time to really dive deep, so hopefully it comes up again in another episode. But the one thing I would just say from my experience that I would recommend is just allowing your daughters to be the fullness of who they are and not feel like they have to play a role in any way, like, holding space. That they are just as allowed to make mistakes as anybody, just as allowed to explore rebellion as anybody, or to be in a bad mood or to not have to be like a politician's daughter. That was sort of my experience. Experience. And I don't even know if my parents. I wouldn't even say they direct. They certainly didn't directly tell me that I had to be that. But I just learned. Maybe I projected it onto myself, but I was just this. Basically this little politician who learned early on that if you just smile and listen to people and agree with whatever they say, they'll think that you're a good girl, and you have to be a good girl, and you always have to be good and hold up this kind of higher standard. And something was just. You know, it's taken my 20s and my 30s to love my shadow self because I didn't for whatever reason, feel like there was much space for it in adolescence. So I think this is good advice to any parent and certainly what I strive to do, and I might not be able to at all times, but to just allow the wholeness of your child's humanity and to not project this is really hard for me. Already she's four years old, and if she's, like, being kind of being kind of ornery to another child, I feel my own. Whoops. I feel my own desire to be a pleaser, like, projected on her. Like, I. I want her to be the good kid and to, like, please other people. And I have to constantly remind myself that that's a defense mechanism that I developed. And no, not only does she not need to do that, but I don't need to do it either. And so just allowing her to be in a bad mood, to be cranky, to be whiny, and not have to project any of my own. I would imagine as pastors, you do have to uphold a certain, you know, a certain standard of behavior and, you know, a certain.

[Pete]

Look, Pastor Ness.

[Valerie]

And as. As much as possible, you know, maybe not putting that on your kids because they didn't, they didn't ask for that.

[Pete]

Well, you have to be somebody before you can be nobody. And you have to, you know, be a grain of wheat before it can crack and, yeah, be resurrected. I will say that your answer was beautiful, and you're far more qualified being a pastor's daughter. But there was one more thing in Tattoos on the heart. I believe the slogan of Homeboy Industries used to be, nothing stops a bullet like a job. Because they were very job focused. And he makes a joke at one point that their slogan should be. He doesn't even mean this as a joke. I actually looked. I bought some of their merch. Another way you can support is by their merch. I looked for a shirt that said this. They didn't have one, but he said it should say, homeboy Industries. You can't disappoint us enough. And I was like, that's it.

[Valerie]

It's beautiful.

[Pete]

I'm not a. A pastor, obviously, but I'm looking forward to, you know, I. My heart goes out to. To pastors where you're. We've talked about this before, where your job is intertwined with your beliefs. And. And I actually think there's something lovely about agreeing to hold the post. You know, it's like, I'll hold this post up the signpost even when I'm not feeling like it. And that's Beautiful. So I'm not even. Not everybody has to be in the corner smoking cigarettes, being like, well, sometimes I just don't feel it, you know? But I do think there's an opportunity, a unique opportunity that you would have to have a little real time with your kids and be like. Just so you know, I don't think show business is a bad word or a bad thing. Meaning there's an element of show business to being a pastor. Meaning you are holding up the post. It's. You're the keeper of the light, and so you have to be a light keeper. And sometimes you.

[Valerie]

Not the kid.

[Pete]

Not the kid. But telling your kids, like, there's a performance.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

Because kids know.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

There's a performance we put on. I can't wait. When Lila sees the bullshit of how I talk to my friends.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete]

And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's really interesting. Well, you know, you have to remember that there is two different Minneapolis, St. Paul and Minneapolis, Minnesota. Just like, shit. Like, what the fuck is happening? Like, when I'm on mushrooms or something. And you hear people talk like that, you're just like, you're lying. You're lying. And kids see that. And to say it's not only lie, but to be like, I want you to know that I know that I have a mode, that one of the ways I love people is being. Shifting around all of my feelings and put something. The ones that are of most service forward. And that might be my kindness, my patience, my humility. But I want you to know that I'm selfish, that I'm afraid sometimes, that sometimes I feel hopeless. But I think there's. You know, Lela's only four, but I'm sort of excited. I wish my. That's what my mom did. Actually. I'll say something nice about my mom. We. Because I love my mom. I'm just saying, often the venting comes out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

We'd go on our little mom walks and we talked. Real talk. And that was really valuable to me. It's why. It's part of why this podcast exists, is she did model that in a beautiful way. So I'm just saying, like, I think the real pastor's kid cliche is when the parents don't have any way of saying, I want you to know that I know that I'm playing a part called pastor. And I want you to know that I'm just like you. I'm everything.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

But it is a calling and a privilege to lean towards the light, even effortfully sometimes, because People need that, and that's what I do. In the same way that a doctor might not feel like sewing up a head wound.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

Maybe they don't feel like it, but they're playing the part of a doctor.

[Valerie]

Right. Or they have to have, like, great bedside manner even if they are having a bad day.

[Pete]

That's right.

[Valerie]

Maybe fake. You're just leaning into the part of you that.

[Pete]

It's not fake. And it is fake. It's fake in the sense that kids are always going to be more real. But a child can't give someone bad news in patient room A and then go welcome a new baby into the room in patient room B. Yeah.

[Valerie]

And they shouldn't be expected.

[Pete]

And they shouldn't be expected to. Sure. But that. So it's not the realest. But if you can have that little conspiracy with your child, meaning a secret, meaning you and I know this.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

I think kids. I. I'll speak for myself. I loved being let in when it was appropriate and being like, do I always feel like this? No.

[Valerie]

You know, my parents did do that. They. They did kind of. It was sort of, I'm sorry, we're out of time. It was sort of understood that it was like, this is the part of dad that has to be seen. And we know the full fullness of dad.

[Pete]

But it's a cashier, it's a masseuse, it's a teacher, it's a doctor, it's an Uber driver. It's. Everybody is leaning one way or the other. But when holiness and ethics and morality and image are concerned as social animals, one of the reasons we gossip is to sniff out who's trustworthy, who can keep a secret, who will help us survive, who will get us resources. All of that stuff is really important to us. So when someone's like, hey, it seems like an affront. It's fake. And we want to find them out. We want to, like, flush it out, but like, to find the balance of being of service in the same way that a cashier is of service. They don't give a fuck. You know, maybe they don't, on certain days, care how you're doing, but they'll still say, how you doing today? That's the same thing that's going on. But when you mix the Jesus and holiness and heaven and hell into it, it seems more offensive. But I'm saying, you know, hand out some PB and Js, if that's. And if that's your job, there's nothing wrong with it. Show business isn't we're all engaged in show business. But telling your kids that, I think it's going to be helpful to me to be able to say to Leela, like, onstage dad is a different dad, podcast dad, it's a different day. They're all in there. We just trot different ones out. And guess what? And this sucks. It can suck. You're gonna be expected to be certain things at certain times. And by the way, I fully greenlight you being the wildest, most liberated, most spacious, most Leela version of that expectation. But on graduation day, you're gonna have to wear a stupid hat. You know what I mean? Like, it's both.

[Valerie]

Right. And she does, even now, need to learn, like, there are things, like, in a. In a restaurant, you can't scream. You know, you can scream outside of the restaurant.

[Pete]

And you know what? And she needs to teach us that you can scream in a restaurant. You know what I mean? It goes both ways. It goes both ways.

[Valerie]

All right, well, that's all we have time for today.

[Pete]

Yeah, we. A good 90 minutes. I'm glad we had an extra long one for the 200th. Absolutely. I thought it was the 200th or the 100th.

[Valerie]

I really kind. I cannot believe we. We've done 100 episodes. And also, it feels like we've done even more than that.

[Pete]

Yeah. I would believe it was 200, but. But not in a bad way. All the questions. So many of the questions I got is, what. What this gives to us.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And if we're glad that we're doing it. And you said this earlier, but, like, I do think there's something sacred, not just about this, about setting aside time. And I never. It's a beautiful privilege of my life that I never worry about our relationship. That doesn't mean I neglect it, but you don't have to be having problems to, like, benefit from setting aside time and attention.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

So I hope you guys are finding that, too. I'm talking to the weirdos. With friends, with. With pets. It doesn't matter. But something that you. That you can set aside.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete]

And that's been wonderful for me. So thank you, Val.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Thank you. And I. I'm.

[Pete]

We're out of time.

[Valerie]

I want to thank the listeners, too, because this is something that's so personal. Like, we really are ourselves on this podcast, and we let little peeks into, you know, our relationship and our life and our. Our personal pasts and traumas and our most. Our most personal work. So for it to resonate with anybody else Is really lovely. And it really does feel like the people who are listening and enjoying this must be some sort of soul mates because it. It couldn't be more personal. So I agree there's some similar frequency that we're finding.

[Pete]

And if I were to thank the fans, the weirdos, the listeners, it would.

[Valerie]

Look something like this.

[Pete]

We're out of time. Sometimes when I pitch the show to people, I say we don't have the biggest numbers, but the people that listen to the show are the right people.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete]

And I'm talking about when I'm trying to get a guest. And it's totally true.

[Valerie]

Yep.

[Pete]

Not only. I just run into people. Creative, interesting, wonderful, talented, loving weirdos all the time. People doing the work. People with open hearts. People creative people, funny people, interested, curious. And then that shows. When I pitch the show to somebody that I really admire and they listen to the show, I'm just like, what's going on here? So it's such a great group. We're not. I don't have to mention the huge podcast, but it's this really good 10 year, refined cream of the crop that listen and we're really grateful for you guys.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Good quality.

[Pete]

Good quality. Cucumberland quality. Cucumberland Farms, a convenience store. Wait so much more. There's a new England convenience store called Cumberland Farms with.

[Valerie]

Okay, so I'm gonna do one. Eureka Glass, your clear choice. The professionals leading the way with excellence, excellence and prices you can be sure are the best with total products and something and quality where all your work is guaranteed. Eureka Glass, your clear choice.

[Pete]

I wish we had glass needs. You went somewhere with guaranteed.

[Valerie]

I did guarantee. I mean, I sing it exactly how it is sung.

[Pete]

That was excellent.

[Valerie]

Okay, everybody, keep it crispy.

[Pete]

800-588-2-300 empire.

[Valerie]

We had that one today.

[Pete]

Say it again.

[Valerie]

Keep it crispy.