We Made It Weird #107

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – We Made It Weird #107

Date: October 7, 2022
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-Host: Valerie (Val) Chaney

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Overview

Episode #107 of “We Made It Weird” is a particularly lighthearted, playful entry in Pete Holmes and Val’s ongoing Friday miniseries. The couple describes it as one of their “silliest, billiestiest,” jam-packed with playful banter, comedic riffs, and absurd bits, rather than the usual more heart-to-heart or introspective themes. They dive deep into the joy of laughter, improv comedy, the weirdness of everyday language and habits, and the idiosyncratic nature of relationships—offering both fun and occasional, surprisingly poignant insights about intimacy, self-acceptance, and savoring life’s oddities.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Setting the Tone: Laughter as a Gift (00:33–01:40)

• The episode begins with the duo riffing on the premise that this could be their favorite and silliest episode ever.
• Pete and Val encourage listeners to use laughter as medicine:

  “If you are having one of those days, you need to listen to this pun. Laughter is a gift from above.” (00:44, Pete)

2. Celebrity Lookalikes & Silly Impressions (01:17–02:03)

• The hosts joke about a hypothetical “bass off” with celebrities, mixing in Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, and John Travolta.
• “Dude, Nic Cage is Keanu Reeves with a different hairline. Think about it.” (01:40, Pete)

3. Meta-humor and Breaking the Fourth Wall (09:33–14:09)

• Pete and Val riff on podcast hosting, ad-read voice, and the nature of their dynamic—Val poking fun at Pete’s “scriptedness,” Pete loudly denying it.
• Val reveals they recorded in the morning and shares the intimacy of their day-to-day, acknowledging they’ve only been awake for 20 minutes.

4. Coffee, Sugar, Obsession, and Rituals (16:00–18:09 and 37:51–38:58)

• Val and Pete deeply discuss the human relationship with coffee and sugar, comparing craving coffee to a love affair.
• “I’m going through a phase now where I’m like, oh, baby, I love you and I will never leave you... Maybe I want to start doing you in the afternoon.” (18:09, Val)
• Extended “coffee love affair” metaphor, and a playful foray into how coffee’s coarseness/fineness mirrors relationship preferences.
• Breathwork with a partner is discussed as a replacement for relying on stimulants, emphasizing “vitality” over horniness:

  “It makes your body springtime.” (38:56, Val)

5. Playful Bits: The Coffee Salary Ordering Game (21:48–50:29)

• Val acts out how someone would order coffee based on income levels, from $200 allowance to $2 million a year.
• Demonstrates how confidence and social ease change with imagined wealth.
• “You now make $2 million a year, and you do it with something that isn’t, like, too difficult... and you’d like a coffee.” (49:23, Pete)
• “Good morning. Give me a latte, darling.” (50:03, Val, as ‘wealthy’)

6. Whistling Harmony Challenge (59:31–64:14)

• Pete and Val reminisce about childhood games and attempt to harmonize whistling, finding it impossible without dissolving into laughter.
• Launches into a mock-narrative about failing to whistle in front of “neighbor Deborah,” complete with shifting, exaggerated accents.

7. Making Improv Work (54:46–55:31)

• They discuss why certain forms of humor or genuine moments work better off-screen or in real life than on TV or film, touching on why their dynamic wouldn’t translate neatly to scripted media.

8. Accents, Stereotypes, and Self-Analysis (64:14–65:23)

• Extended riff on various accents—British, Scottish, “Wakandan”—with Val and Pete deliberating on when doing accents crosses a line.
• Reflection on how tastes and what’s considered funny evolve through time, referencing past comedy icons.

9. Relationships, Sex, and Changing Narratives (33:34–39:33)

• The pair open up about shifting away from pop-culture’s “achievement” narrative of sex, replacing it with connection, body vitality, and vulnerability.
• Honest (and comical) talk about bad narratives inherited about sex, and the depth of feeling accomplished in intimacy.

10. Poetry, Spirituality, and Closing Thoughts (66:41–69:25)

• Pete shares poems/quotes from Hafiz and Rumi on union, love, and opening spiritually, providing a rare moment of quiet reflection amidst the chaos.

  “Pulling out the chair beneath your mind and watching you fall upon God. What else is there to do that is any fun in this world?” – Hafiz (68:06)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Pete on Coffee:
  “Let me smell your beans. What kind of grind are you? Coarse… Oh, you’re fine. You’re so fine.” (18:31–18:43)

• On Sex and Narratives:
  “The most indicative bit I did on stage about sex was that you achieve an erection. It's an achievement. You should hang a trophy… around every boner.” (35:57)

• Val on Self-Image and Dressing:
  “You don’t dress like sharp corners and, like, perfect new whatever’s new.” (25:35, Val to Pete)

• On Out-of-the-Box Media:
  “You’ll never have that scene… That’s what we look like and… no one right is truly represented.” (53:40, Pete)

• Val, on the relationship:
  “If we put it on screen… it would be, like, I don’t know, cringy and unbelievable and, like, not endearing.” (54:10)

• Pete, on metaphors and bits:
  “The uvula is the home alarm system for your mouth… The tongue doesn’t care. The tongue’s like, I’ll eat ass. But the uvula is like, too much iced tea!” (45:25–46:00)

• On Breathwork as Intimacy:
  “It’s not horniness… It fills you with life.” (38:03, Pete)
  “It makes your body springtime.” (38:56, Val)

• Hafiz Quote:
  “Pulling out the chair beneath your mind and watching you fall upon God. What else is there to do that is any fun in this world?” (68:06)

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Structural & Recurring Segments

• Morning Musing & Intimacy:
  The episode is imbued with familiarity, morning grogginess, and genuine glimpses into everyday married life (pets, kids, sharing sleep in your eye, etc.).

• Meta-Commentary:
  Pete and Val often break to comment on their own riffing, the structure of comedy, or whether they’re offending anyone with a particular voice.

• Surreal Improvisation:
  Many segments spin off into absurdist, semi-musical tangents (e.g., “neighbor Deborah” and the “ding dong” song at 51:58), emblematic of Pete’s improv background.

• Reflections on Comedy:
  They contrast modern humor with nostalgia for '90s comedy, referencing Mike Myers, Fat Bastard, and shifting societal standards.

• Spiritual Flourish:
  The episode ends, as it sometimes does, with spiritually tinged poetry, bringing the energy down from pure silliness to heartfelt resonance.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:33–01:40: Intro banter, setting “silliest” tone
• 16:00–18:09: Coffee, sugar, and their psychological grip
• 21:48–50:29: The Coffee Ordering Salary Game
• 33:34–39:33: Sex, relationships, and shifting cultural narratives
• 45:15–46:00: Pete’s uvula and peristalsis analogy
• 59:31–64:14: Whistling harmony challenge and improv narrative
• 66:41–69:25: Spiritual poetry and closing reflections

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Takeaway

This is an episode for fans of pure, unfiltered Pete and Val energy—less structure, more laughter, playful bits, and inventive surrealism, but with pockets of depth about relationships, self-acceptance, and joy. It’s as much about the sound and rhythm of comedy and the couple’s unique rapport as it is about any concrete takeaway. If you need a day-brightening binge of goofball joy, this is the one.

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Closing Moment

Val: “There’s nothing I love more in this world than a silly song, and you’re the king of them. I married the right person.” (53:32)

Pete (as neighbor Deborah): “Keep it crispy.” (69:39)

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Overall:
A delightfully off-the-cuff, relationship-rich, “silly-billy” episode—with just enough insight to ground the joyful weirdness.

Transcript

[A]

You made it weird.

[B]

You made it weird.

[A]

You made it weird. Oh, yeah. You made it with. Yes, you did. Made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[B]

What's happening, weirdos? My sweet, sweet baby weirdos.

[A]

Baby weirdos. Get over here, you baby ducklings. Get in the. Get in the barn. Scary Farmer Pete and Belle. But we're vegan. We're not gonna eat you.

[B]

We're not gonna eat you. We're just gonna pet you.

[A]

We're gonna pet you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Guys, we were just. While this is uploading for Katie, we were just talking about. This is, like, our favorite episode we've ever done.

[B]

I think so. And it's.

[A]

It's the silliest billiest.

[B]

It's bits all the way through.

[A]

If you are having one of those days, you need to listen to this pun. Laughter is a gift from above. Your day, your day, your day. Bass.

[B]

I wanted to do it, too. Two double bass.

[A]

Two link basses.

[B]

I'm just copying. It's wonderful, a bass like a bass off, where one of them is just copying the other.

[A]

But it's Nicolas Cage and John Travolta. Bassoff. Oh, my God. Wow, that was really good.

[B]

Keanu Reeves is here.

[A]

Dude. Nic Cage is Keanu Reeves with a different hairline.

[B]

Think about it.

[A]

Think about it.

[B]

This is true.

[A]

And Alec Baldwin is John Travolta with a more sordid path.

[B]

I don't know about that one.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know either.

[B]

No, I liked it. All right, look, the reason why we're not funny right now is because we.

[A]

Left it all on the field.

[B]

So this. This is an indicator of the episode. Not that it's more of this. So that it was so good that we can't even get it up right now.

[A]

We're done. That's exactly right. Let me tell you my tour dates. This Sunday. I'll be at Largo. Largo-la.com if you're in the LA area. It's going to be incredible. Very special guests, if you know what I mean. I'm also going to be in Toronto. Can Toronto please come out?

[B]

Yeah, Toronto. What are you doing?

[A]

What are you doing?

[B]

What, you don't like fun?

[A]

I mean, a lot of these are, like, Seattle, sold out. We added a second show. Thank you, Seattle. Toronto. Get with the program.

[B]

Yeah, I'm getting Seattle emails. Embarrassing you. Toronto.

[A]

That's right. That's right. And to put it in terms that you'll care about, that means the Mariners are beating the Blue Jays.

[B]

Are they. Is there. Are there Mariners no, there are Mariners, but are there Blue Jays?

[A]

Toronto Blue Jays.

[B]

But that's got. That's a different.

[A]

It's a baseball scrimmage.

[B]

Oh, scrimmage.

[A]

I don't mean to tease Toronto. It's just the first one of the tour. Really would like to get it started on a nice note, but apparently old homes. He's doing morning radio. As if any fan of mine is just driving around listening to AM radio. Please go to PeteHomes.com please watch the path go to PeteHomes.com tickets to Toronto, Atlantic City, Boston, Chicago, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle. Second show added Atlanta. Oh, that's the one I forgot. Atlanta.

[B]

I told you you were going to Atlanta.

[A]

Atlanta, Charlotte, and Washington, D.C. all of those tickets, I believe, are available now. Yep. On PeteHomes.com means the world. I'm so proud of this hour. We're going to film it at the end of this, but come see it live. That's. That's the best way to see it. And shape it. Your lamps shape it. And then November 3rd, I'll be back in LA for the next living at Largo. Largo-la.com and that one will benefit Homeboy Industries. All right, if you like the show. I forgot how to host the show. If you like the show, try a pizza pit. Katie, paste them. These are what we call the ads. These are things that I love and I use especially with, without a doubt, for real, for real Living libations. Living libations is a natural and real ingredient. Skin, hair, teeth, eyes. Baby body care company that has revolutionized all of those things and changed the way that I look at health and what I put on my body. I was being very careful about what I was putting in my body, trying to eat natural, real organic things, but I wasn't being careful about what I put on my body. But of course, what you put on your body ends up in your body. Your skin is the largest organ. It absorbs that stuff in your bloodstream. So we shouldn't be putting strange chemicals and health beauty products, sunscreens, lotions, stuff that isn't intended for humans. If you read the ingredients and it's like seven Z's and the number X and the number Z, I can't speak today. And the number 28. Just think of any number, Pete. And that bit works. It's probably not good for you. But I was fooled by branding and by marketing thinking that these things were good because they had French names. I want to eat food where I recognize the ingredients. And now I want my Skincare to be the same. So enter Living Libations. A great example is their love the sun zinc based sunscreen. Every morning our daughter, we have to slather her head to toe in sunblock. And I saw there were natural, quote unquote natural things on Amazon and they just weren't like if you dug a little bit deeper and read the ingredients. These were not healthier sunscreens. And I was so happy to find the Living Libations. Love the sun sun formula. That is what we put on Leila every morning. It's great to know that I'm not putting something unnatural or bad for her on her body. Of course, at 4 years old that's super important. And me personally, I use their ginger exfoliating scrub which is not only healthy and natural and made with ingredients that I recogn recognize, but it's the most badass exfoliant that I've ever used in my life. And at night I use their best skin ever moisturizer. It smells great, feels great and gets your skin looking great. Of course I use their Zen shave, I use their gum treatments, a lot of their dental stuff. And when Lila was a baby we used tons of their baby stuff. Here's the point. If you want to support the show, Living Libations has small products and big products. If you want to give a little, if you want to give a lot of, you can get something small. You can get a tongue scraper. Do whatever you want. It still supports the show. It lets our advertisers know that these ads are working and you'll be doing your body a favor. Whatever product you'd like to replace, I promise you Living Libations has a premium, natural and wonderful product to replace the random chemical nightmares that they sell at 7 11. So go to living libations.com and use promo code. This is new for this month. Weird 2020 2022. Weird 2022. That's 15% off. Go to living libations.com and use promo code weird2022. Also we are brought to us by our friends at Ritual. I take Ritual multivitamins. I take Ritual Symbiotic Plus, Pre Post and probiotics every single morning. I'm super, super into health, feeling my best feeling ready to start my day. And gut health and their Symbiotic plus Pre Post and Probiotic is the best probiotic I've found. I always, always, always start my day with it. And here's, here's. I'll tell you a little. I'll tell you a little bit more about it. Does your probiotic contain clinically studied strains? Well, meet one that does. Ritual Symbiotic plus contains two of the world's most studied strains. With over 350 publications of human clinical trials. It's more than a probiotic. Three in one. As I mentioned, with clinical studied prebiotics, which are like food for probiotics. Probiotics. And a postbiotic to support a balanced gut microbiome, which we sometimes talk about on the show is so important. Your gut is basically like a second brain and regulates so many of the functions of your body. It's so important to give it what it needs. And here you can do that with a single nested minty capsule. I love the minty flavor. One daily capsule for a simple streamlined gut support. And the delayed release capsule makes sure that these pre post and probiotics reach the colon. That's not the stomach. They're going to burn up in the stomach. The delayed release makes sure they get into your intestinal tract which is the ideal place for probiotics to survive and grow. There's designed with moisture controlled bottle technology to provide to protect. Excuse me. The probiotic strains. And best of all, you don't have to refrigerate them.

[B]

You don't have to.

[A]

I keep it right in my cupboard and they stay good. So Symbiotic and Ritual are here to celebrate, not hide your insides. There's no more shame in your gut game. That's why Ritual is offering weirdos 10% off during your first three months. Visit ritual.comweird to start ritual or add symbiotic plus to your subscription today. That's ritual.comweird for 10% off during your first 3 months and show your support of the show. All right, everybody, enjoy what Val and I are already saying. We made it weird 107 one for the history books. Our favorite episode.

[B]

Val, get into it.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Does this sound.

[B]

Does this sound good?

[A]

You should eat the mic. They say eat it.

[B]

Ew. I felt aggressive.

[A]

I didn't mean it. Like, I guess it did sort of sound like we were just laughing at you were trying to get Leela to eat something and how funny it is to be like, would you eat that for me? I know it's normal for parents to be like, please eat that for me.

[B]

But like, eat your dinner for mama.

[A]

It's like an absurd thing to be like, I want you to eat that.

[B]

Yeah. I never saw you can't even get.

[A]

In touch with why it was funny. But it was so Funny.

[B]

Well. Cause we were like having a great day, but I know what you mean.

[A]

Oh, my God. We were on Euphoria on hbo.

[B]

I don't think that show is about happiness.

[A]

That's great. Is that something? No. You mean you just made it up and you're offended that I didn't think you made it up. Yeah, because it's fantastic. I was watching that show Euphoria. I don't think that show's about happiness at all.

[B]

Okay, I have to say this.

[A]

Cody, sip of espresso. S. That's my gift. Everyone, if you want a little Frasier in your life, espresso. Okay, not espresso dad.

[B]

All the dads in the whole world.

[A]

Every dad, Every single dad. You know who doesn't say it that way? Every Italian dad. Yeah, we were being us centric and Italiaphobic.

[B]

Italia pho bux, which is what Starbucks use was originally called.

[A]

Welcome to Italia Phobux. Can you sometimes. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.

[B]

Okay. Oh, you really wanted us to hear that. S up.

[A]

It wasn't a gross sound, though.

[B]

No, it was a nice sound.

[A]

Yeah, watch, I'll do it again.

[B]

I'm saying I like this. Okay, I'm gonna sit mine. Because God.

[A]

God, let's get God in on this.

[B]

Bring God.

[A]

Hey, God, I know you're balancing all of the things in space that should be falling with your unseen forces, but I thought about coffee. Put down. No, I'm just kidding. That is. I don't even want to perpetuate the idea of a God that can be distracted or has like a to do list. I know, like when you're praying and you're like, I'm so sorry. I know. Going on, it's like, like I'm going to use the Lord's name in vain, but in a funny way, Jesus, picture a bigger God. Like, do better with your. With your God. If you're going to. If you're going to have one, just bump them up a few.

[B]

Don't make him a stressed out Italian dad.

[A]

Don't. My espresso. I haven't even had my espresso and this little boy is asking, no, get a boner. When he called to the chalkboard. Lord knows I've been there. I got a little boner and my pants became a little bit shorter. And then I become Scottish.

[B]

I was gonna say you're changing.

[A]

Remember when we all loved. Look, Mike Myers, dream guest. For real. For real would love him because he's super spear too. He's like. He's like a pickle Spear.

[B]

What is that spiritual?

[A]

He's Super Spear.

[B]

Oh, Spear.

[A]

He's Super Spear. He's, like, super spiritual. I'd love to talk to him about that. And I'm also going to say this just out of an observation that could be true, about how tastes change. There was a time when all we wanted was Fat Bastard.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's all we wanted. And now, I mean, we, like. Look, I'm actually. I'm not even saying, like, isn't it crazy that we don't. I'm saying I don't.

[B]

Yes. Okay.

[A]

It's too much. Obviously. There's fatty fat shaming.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And, like, the joke is that he's just like, man, he can't stop eating. But also just like, it was. It was turned up to 11.

[B]

And also, that was at a time where we were like, aren't people's accents funny?

[A]

That's true. I used to do improv. I mean, I still. I'm improvising right now.

[B]

Whoa. This is not scripted.

[A]

You're doing scripted, aren't you?

[B]

You gave me a script. He said, don't deviate from the script.

[A]

Look, full disclosure, guys. You got to know Val and I are having a really great week. We are really great.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I. Can I say one thing?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You'll have a little sleep in your eye. I'm gonna get it.

[B]

Well, this is what I was gonna say. I've only been awake for, like, 20 minutes. This is. We made it. Weird morning.

[A]

That's right. We're having our mourn chaff. Usually we have our morning chaff with. With other parents at our school. Okay, look, we're not the coolest guys. We have morning parent coffee.

[B]

That is cool. I think that's super cool, dude.

[A]

I mean, you don't have to tell me that. I'm talking to these people. We turn, we see everyone that's listening. How many of them are masturbating? This is crazy.

[B]

And, I guess, flattering.

[A]

Wow. I didn't. I thought maybe one or two, but this has gotta be 60, 70%.

[B]

Are we just some weird fetish? I thought we were interesting.

[A]

I thought we had deep, interesting points and silly bits, but most people are just unbuckling. Isn't it a gift that the belt makes a noise when unbuckled? You don't want to be caught off guard.

[B]

No, you don't. It's. It is a.

[A]

It's a little jingle jangle that says.

[B]

Like a design, Here comes my dingle dangle.

[A]

Or my lady. Yeah, but inverted.

[B]

I. Yeah, I haven't worn a belt since 1995.

[A]

When I do television, they often don't give me a belt and they go, it looks better. Like, it doesn't. Belts, like, don't.

[B]

They're, like, trying to give you a hint.

[A]

No, they don't.

[B]

Like, no, it looks better.

[A]

Take off your pants with a belt and put on these pants with no belt. It looks better. No, I actually mean it is.

[B]

Like, these are the exact same pants.

[A]

Okay. That is joy. That is Krispy Kreme donuts in the morning. That is. Would you want to eat sweets all day? Like, in a world where sweets are the, like, really good for you and you can just eat infinite donuts and.

[B]

It wouldn't hurt my tum.

[A]

It's not going to hurt your tongue. Like, this is a real question. Like, I think everybody's going to jump to, of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think if you ate donuts all the fucking time, unnecessary. Swear, dawg. But all of you constantly eating them, I think they would become like, kale. It would be like, ugh, so sweet.

[B]

I don't know. I don't think so. I think. I think I've failed you. Our human brain reacts to sugar differently than it reacts to greens.

[A]

Yeah, but it reacts to too much. Much sugar, too.

[B]

I mean, I think we would. But if it doesn't make us feel bad, I.

[A]

You know, like, I take it back. You're right.

[B]

We do it all the time.

[A]

We be eating it all.

[B]

And coffee. So going back to Coffee Chef, I believe it's called.

[A]

But, yeah, go ahead. Go ahead. Call her. Go ahead.

[B]

Okay, well, I'm going to continue to.

[A]

Say coffee, Valerie from the seat next to me. Go ahead. You're on the air. Turn down your radio.

[B]

I was trying to do it.

[A]

Do you think I didn't know?

[B]

I know.

[A]

Do you think I didn't know coffee.

[B]

Is the best thing in the world? This is what I've been trying to say. And I have. I go through phases, obviously, where I'm.

[A]

Like, would you say get in my belly?

[B]

I would in 98.

[A]

And everyone would be like, yeah.

[B]

But, like, I go through phases where I'm like, I'm not gonna. Like, it's affecting my anxiety, or maybe it's affecting my sleep or whatever. And I'm gonna try to not have coffee or have less coffee.

[A]

Sorry, I'm jumping ahead. I know what you're gonna say, but say it for everyone who doesn't read your mind.

[B]

But I. I am going through a phase right now where I'm like, oh, baby, I Love you and I will never leave you. And now I'm like, it feels like an affair because I'm like, maybe I want to start doing you in the afternoon.

[A]

You are so funny. You're worth staying up for.

[B]

Like, I'll do. I'll take it to the edge of.

[A]

3Pm show me your beans. Let me smell your beans. What kind of grind are you? Coarse. Are you ground? Coarse.

[B]

Fine.

[A]

Oh, you're fine. You're so fine. Oh, and a little bit coarse. A little bit coarse. That's when it starts doing you. Oh, it's coarse. It's coarse. It's also doing me. Just so no one thinks this is like an anti woman bet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's also the bag of coffee is also doing me. Okay. It's a double the guy who's afraid of being canceled, but for the stupidest thing. Wait, that's not a character I do. That's me.

[B]

That is you, honey.

[A]

That's me. Sorry again. Go see bros. I know that I just kind of did like a stereotypical Will and Grace.

[B]

I felt bad that I did it for morning.

[A]

What?

[B]

When I said we made it weird mornings. And I was like, I was just trying to do the opposite of nights. And then I was like, is that kind of offensive? Because it was a stereotypical morning? Yeah.

[A]

I don't look.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

We would need to survey a million people on the end. Top answers around the board. Is that voice offensive? I don't know. It's so.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't know either.

[A]

I'm gonna guess. No. Because no part of me is like, we should take it out. When you went morning. Remember I wrote that joke for Colin Hay. He goes, I'm Colin Hay. Or as they call me in West Hollywood, Colin Hay. And it was fine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we're in a place and I hope it doesn't go away. Meaning I hope it's never discovered to be like, please stop doing. Because there are straight people that talk like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just. It's like. And women. And it. Yeah, absolutely. Women. I tell you that story. I was sitting next to a woman. I've told this before. I forget where I was. It was a long time ago because I'm not trying to be funny, but Ralphie May was there and I was sitting next to. Oh, God, I forget her name. But there was a woman sitting next to me and I couldn't see her. And she was talking like that. Like, she was like, very much like. And I'm like, honey, please stop it. But it's a woman. And I couldn't. I was looking at her and I was. I remember distinctly thinking, who is this queen? Like, who is this gay man? This is like the most flamboyant man. And I was excited. I wanted to meet him and talk to him. I turned and it was a woman. And I told her. And she. And I laughed so hard.

[B]

That's really funny.

[A]

I believe she was a lesbian. And she thought it was the funniest thing in the world that I, when I couldn't see her, just assumed it was like a real Will and Grace character. That's what we'll say. A Will and Grace.

[B]

A Will and Grace.

[A]

Wait. Will Grayson. What's the. The FlairPoint? Jack.

[B]

Jack McFarlane. I. I'm always. As you know, I'm in a constant state of watching Will and Grace.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. I.

[A]

It's on channel nine. It's on channel Enneagram nine.

[B]

But I.

[A]

If you're laughing, thanks for listening for years. If you're confused, don't even bother Googling it. Don't even bother. Oh, so rich today. It just sounds so rich. No, I don't mean wealthy.

[B]

You think I laughed?

[A]

Because I literally thought you were like. What is this bit? Yeah, I sound so wealthy today. Oh, God, try to sound wealthy.

[B]

Come in.

[A]

You're gonna say, good morning.

[B]

Excited?

[A]

Good morning.

[B]

I'm already excited.

[A]

Good morning. May I have a latte?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I'm going to tell you what you make a year.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You make. You're a child. You make $200 in allowance a year.

[B]

Okay? Good morning. Can I have a latte?

[A]

First of all, I need a block of unshaped wood that I might carve you. I hope it's a soft wood because I want to make a trophy for you because that was par. That was a par five in. It was a hole in one. So you're negative. Would that make you negative four? Yeah, because that was one stroke. Speaking of everyone, master. Okay, you now make $12,000 a year.

[B]

Okay. $12,000 a year. Okay.

[A]

That's $1,000 a month, sweetie.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That means your rent is about 250. You're splitting it with a guy named Halloween and another lady named Veronica.

[B]

Okay. Good morning. Can I. Can I have a latte?

[A]

Very nice. Very nice.

[B]

She's still figuring out what she wants.

[A]

That's right. And she's not. You know, by the way, there are, of course, exceptions to this, but this is like. This is right down the middle. This is right in the middle of the bell curve. Because there are some people who aren't making a lot of money, but they're like entrepreneurs already. And they're like, hello, sir, how you doing? What would you recommend? Like, they're already doing it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

In fact, we just had a conversation. I won't name names. Name names. We should do a podcast called Name names.

[B]

Name Names Names. It's the bonus to this podcast where we just.

[A]

Patreon. We say the names, we go back, and we go. You know who we meant?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

All right. Name names. Coming soon to Patreon. But you only have to donate one penny every 10 years. And we still make mills. That's how big the spot is.

[B]

That's how many people love to jerk off to this.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay, so making mills and counting bills? What, are you kidding? Once you have meals, you pay someone to count those bills.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What was I saying? Oh, there's like. Sometimes I'll think, you know, that comedian should do. They should wear a suit or something like that. They should, like. It would be great if they wore like a gown or they had their hair done in a beautiful way or something like that. And really, you helped me realize what I mean by that is like, I just want them to, like, own their. I want them to love themselves more.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want them to, like, step into their fullness. By the way, that's true of people who aren't comedians too. But so often the switch that. That I think even if you're a self deprecating person or comedian or whatever, artist, I still think there needs to be a switch. So often I wish I could reach in and flip the switch that just goes like, these are the ABCs of me. I love me. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna, you know, fire hose me into everything I can.

[B]

Yeah. And also every fire. That is your. Sorry to bring it up again with the Enneagram 3. They're usually. It's interesting because we. This part of the enneagram 3 makes us think that you're not a 3. But they're usually like very sharply dressed. I. And you're still wearing belts.

[A]

Your talent, your true talent. No, I put you on like, sunblock. And that's where I get my talent. I just kind of smear it on it and it's spf. One million percent hilarious. Oh, God. Okay. And it was a gay. Not a gay voice. Flamboyant, colorful. I vanish. That's in the future. Canceling is you just get raptured oh, wow. Canceled.

[B]

Anyway. Okay. But you. Oh, but. So I think I dress like a schleubber Turner. No, you don't. But you don't dress like sharp corners and, like, perfect new. Whatever's new.

[A]

Well, honestly, I. I've. I didn't mean to interrupt. I've given some consideration to what is the block? Why not dress a little better? I won't do it, though. I do like the feeling. Like, we've been. We went to the bros Premiere.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I wore a suit and I really enjoyed it. And I even like looking good. I like walking around being like, I look good. I look gone right now. Oh, my God. I look so fucking God. The shirt costs hundreds of dollars. I fall in the pool with my cell phone. So I like it. It's just like. You know what I like more? Taking the pants I wore yesterday off a hook and throwing them on my ass. Throwing them on my slippy ass. Get some denim on that ass before you trot it out to the streets. Cover that ass in denim meats. Slam poet. If socks are what you need for your feet, don't accept defeat. The feet you need to achieve is putting socks on your feet. That was. It got too loud or something. Like, the mic, like, lowered its volume. These quality blue microphones went like, I'm going to lower the volume on this bit.

[B]

That's what I'm loving about it is. I've heard you do slam poetry before. You're so good at it. I love it.

[A]

That was only.

[B]

Okay, but with the idea of a slam poet, like, yelling like, Brian Reed.

[A]

Oh, my God. The big yellow one is the sun. My son, my father is the moon. Pull your pants down. Show those cheeks. Tears running down my cheeks Streaks on a window pane Pain in my heart makes it rain.

[B]

You're like, good for this guy. He's trained. He's trained. Something new.

[A]

Yeah. And you were back to Mike Myers. Woman. Whoa, man. Whoa, man. She stole my hat. Cat.

[B]

I think it is.

[A]

She stole my cat.

[B]

Is it Cat?

[A]

I think it's Cat. By the way, that movie, so I Married.

[B]

Love that movie. You don't love that movie.

[A]

I like it. Okay. I don't tend to like. As we know. I don't tend to like hell comedies where it's like, oh, no.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm trapped in a house. She's gonna murder me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I. I don't. I just. I guess I don't even felt like that. Not. Not really, but, like, kind of emotional. Like. Like uncertainty.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I went to my comedies to be like, you know, dumb and dumber.

[B]

Doesn't. Isn't his dad. Doesn't his dad have a Scottish accent?

[A]

His dad is skinny bastard. His dad is typical average weight bastard.

[B]

Yeah. Well, what I, I will say what I think about in that movie.

[A]

I need the numbers, guys. What are the numbers?

[B]

It's been a long time since I've seen that movie, but I do think about watching it like in high school and laughing with my friends. And I think about the coffee shop a lot. Like, even though that's not a huge part of the movie. Yeah, I love the like 90s big cups and the.

[A]

That's what I was gonna say. It was when lattes were like, what? It's like, oh, are we in Seattle? Yeah, I'm sorry, are we in Washington state right now?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, it's crazy to think that there was a time.

[B]

Yeah, that.

[A]

That was fucking crazy.

[B]

I know.

[A]

By the way, somebody at the party last night was like, in the future, in the near future, the fact that they're just giving medicine to everybody, like the same medicine is going to be completely absurd and viewed as barbaric as like leeches. And he's like, in the future, they're going to draw your blood, look at your genome, look at your genes, your DNA, your blood, everything, all the information. And they're going to custom make. Of course they will. Wait, custom make a medicine so for your illness. And like, like, look what's happening with the COVID vaccine. Some people take it and they die. They don't die, but they're like, they go to the er. I've had friends go to the ER because they had an adverse reaction. They were fine, but they, they were worried.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Some people take the vaccine and they're fine. And some people get Covid and we're seeing that everybody is different. We've known this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I think in our lifetime. And this is what my friend was saying last night. And a guy who would know, he was like, by the year, like by the time you and I are 50. So that's. That'll never happen. You and I will never be 50.

[B]

I'm 33 for life, thank you very much.

[A]

But I'll be 60 and you'll be 50. 50. And that he was like, we'll look back on this time and be like, it's crazy that you, with your descent and your body and your height and I, I feel that way all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Advil. It's like, take two Advil. I'm like, I'm seven Times the size of my wife.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why am I taking 2 advil? What are the chances that Advil is right anyway? Like, I want someone to draw my blood and look at me like a computer and be like, you have this and you have that and you have a resistance to this. And then. And then they make you a medicine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, we're. Isn't that fun? That's why I wanted to tell. They're going to be like, it's going to be like, like bloodletting. What we're doing now. When it comes to like take, take the same I gave a 90 year old Puerto Rican grandmother I'll give to this.

[B]

You know, it does feel like that when you're different on medication. Like everything they're. They are always like, we'll try to put you on this one. See, like, give it a month, see how your body reacts to it. And then otherwise we'll try another one. Because it's just like a guessing game.

[A]

And that's the same with the antidepressants and they're just like, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. It's trial and error. That's so interesting.

[A]

Also, I thought a little heavy on the error. Am I right?

[B]

I thought about our.

[A]

You love me more than anyone. And still all I got was no.

[B]

I thought it was great.

[A]

It was correct.

[B]

I was thinking about this. Okay. Because we have beautiful friends, Glenn and Iris. Glenn and Glenn needed, like, a few years ago, he had kidney failure and he needed a kidney. And Iris, his wife, gave him one of her kidneys. It's one of the most romantic things I've ever heard. When she told me, I cried because obviously there's the, like, sacrifice for your love and your husband. But there's also like, now her organ is in his body. Yeah, like, he, like she's a part of his body.

[A]

Perma sex.

[B]

Yeah, it is. It is so beautiful.

[A]

I thought that when we were doing it the other day, I just couldn't wait to tell someone we did it.

[B]

We're. We've been doing it a lot. Breath work, baby.

[A]

Oh, my God, guys, breath work takes you straight to Bonetown into the chest. Do that for 15 minutes with your partner. 15 minutes. I. I'm so glad we're talking about this. And we'll go back to the salary coffee ordering. Don't worry.

[B]

Oh, great. And also the punchline of the kidney thing was that we have the same blood type and I could give you a kidney or you could give me a kidney.

[A]

Cute.

[B]

But I wonder if they would let Us. Because our size difference.

[A]

Yeah. It would look weird if anyone had X ray vision, they'd be like, yikes.

[B]

I would look like I had a second butt.

[A]

My kidneys. Like, you'd have an internal butt.

[B]

Yeah, like the kid. Your kidneys would come out of my skin.

[A]

You are so funny. Like an anaconda eating a mouse. Like, you'd kind of see it.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Sorry. Going back to sex.

[A]

Oh, no. I just. You know, my whole life, I've. I've. This is. I feel vulnerable saying this, but, like, I've struggled sometimes with getting in the mood for sex because I think I was handed. I inherited a shitty. A shitty narrative.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which a lot of us did. Which was like, sex is like an ice cream sundae that you get to eat, and you're a special boy and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, dude, you got laid. Oh, my God. You got. Oh, I'm in the locker room with another Nick Kroll character. We did one earlier without addressing it.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, you got laid. On, my God. Let me smell your finger. Like. I know. I hate that too.

[B]

I don't know why, but that is the only.

[A]

I hate the movie role models because it. It opens with a smell. Me too.

[B]

I know. I know you do. I'm just saying.

[A]

I wish I had said it, except it's leading to a fruitful discussion.

[B]

It's dis.

[A]

The discussion is fruitful.

[B]

It's like a disproportional hate. That's why it's worth. Because I'm like, really? What's so gross? But I just.

[A]

I know what. It's gross. It's disgusting.

[B]

It's gross.

[A]

It's a betrayal.

[B]

But I want to. It's a betrayal. I just. I guess I want to be careful. Like, I don't think vaginas are gross.

[A]

That's not even. That wasn't even on the top 100 of what I was thinking.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

I'm just thinking. It's like.

[B]

It's so. It's a betrayal.

[A]

It's a betrayal. It's an intimate thing was shared with you, and you're like, here.

[B]

Yeah, here.

[A]

You smell it.

[B]

I hate it.

[A]

Yeah. I don't even want to talk about it.

[B]

We're right to do that.

[A]

I hate this. I hate this body podcast. I hate this podcast. Just kidding, but.

[B]

And the jerking off just went to 90.

[A]

Oh, wow. Everyone was thinking about smelling your buddy's fingers in the locker room. Okay, okay. No, you regret. Regret. I'm clothed.

[B]

I'm cloaked.

[A]

Cloaked in regret. I got broken.

[B]

You're trying to think of what it is. And all you hear, like, what. You're trying to think of what the thread was.

[A]

It's just regret. My brain is just going, regret. Why did you do that? That regret. Regret. Okay, Regret.

[B]

No, you were saying that you were fed a bad narrative and it affected.

[A]

So sex was always kind of. You know, we've talked about this before, but the most indicative bit that I did on stage about sex was that you achieve an erection. It's an achievement.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I. The joke was, you should hang a trophy. Like, you should hang a gold medal around every boner. Just be like, there it is. The guest of honor. Like, Don Rickles, hello. He roasts everybody. You call this a vagina?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. Anyway, I'm thinking of other Don Rickles things. None of them are okay.

[B]

Yeah, let's. Let's let that one go.

[A]

We'll let it go into the. Into the quiet night. I know, I know. Boy, I'm having a hard time getting this point out now. When we do the breath work in the stomach, by the way, this is like $10,000 worth of breath work. What's that? What?

[B]

That's what she said a couple times.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

By the way, Boy, I'm having a hard time getting this point out.

[A]

That's what she said.

[B]

Yeah. And then you said, okay, in the stomach.

[A]

Hilarious. Okay, so sorry, love, that needed it. I'm just saying this is valuable. Now, Val and I will lay down and we'll put on some music, and we'll do this for 15. Is it 15 minutes? The breath work feels like longer.

[B]

Well, it's. The whole thing is 24 minutes, but I think we're breathing for 15.

[A]

You're actually doing this for 15. So it's through the mouth the whole time. Stomach full up your stomach. The second part, this is really helpful. I know we've already said this, but I've already heard it, so we're all having the same nightmare. The second part is like a yawn into your chest. It's completely different type of breath to fill up your chest. It's like that. So the first one is your stomach. Second one is your chest and release. Do that for 15 minutes with your lover. God, this podcast is. I know it is for me. I'll listen to it later today. But anyway, it fills you with life.

[B]

It's vitality.

[A]

It's not horniness. It's not just like, I want to see teddies, I want to see ass. It's not that yeah. Which is part of the shitty narrative. Like, you're going to get to see titties. You're going to get to see, like.

[B]

My eyes are going to like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Eat.

[A]

Or like I buffet.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

And dick sensation.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

This is more like you cleanse your body and I don't care. Anyone that says you're not cleansing your body, do this and then tell me if you feel cleansed. Cleansed?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You feel cleansed. You feel vital. You feel like a wellspring. And you. You are out of your mind. You're meaning. You're out of your thinking mind. You're not thinking about sex as a activity. You're not thinking about anything as an activity. So a massage would feel really good. Or anything in your body would feel really good because you're in your body.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

But sex is.

[B]

It just makes perfect sense because you're just like, I'm filled with life, and life is expansion, and it's springtime and it's blooming and it's.

[A]

It makes your body springtime.

[B]

It makes your body springtime.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

Exactly. So you're like, you can be winter and then you do it and you're like, we've gone a little bit forwards in the season. I had to remember if spring was after that.

[B]

I thought you struggle. I mean, eventually. It is always forwards.

[A]

Yeah. If you keep, brother, keep moving forward, you're going to hit another spring anyway. Okay, when we come back, we're gonna. We're gonna go to the midrills. Midrill ads that support the show. They keep the lights filled with gold. I'm just kidding. They keep the lights on.

[B]

They keep our diamond light bulbs on.

[A]

They keep our diamond light bulbs on. But it's just two minutes. Just relax. So we'll go to the mid rolls, but when we come back, I want to do the whistling thing and we'll finish the coffee thing and then we'll try to. Ooh, I have a poem.

[B]

Ooh, I know I have. I like. Sorry, I've forgotten about reading poems lately.

[A]

Yeah, I think I have a good poem.

[B]

Great.

[A]

We'll be back in two and two.

[B]

Let's face it, you guys need the break too.

[A]

We're gonna listen to the ads with you. We'll be right back. Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Blue Microphones. Do you love podcasts? Sure you do. You're listening to one right now. And maybe you've even been thinking about starting your own podcast or Maybe you wanna, I don't know, record an album that sounds fantastic or do voiceover for that cartoon series you've been wanting to upload to YouTube. Does this sound familiar? Well, if it does, you gotta get yourself a blue microphone, guys. Studio quality sound does not have to be a huge, huge price. You can make things sound amazing with blue microphones. They've got you covered. For the first years of this podcast, we've recorded many, many episodes on Blue's most famous mic, the Blue Yeti, which is a USB mic that you can just plug right into your computer and start to podcast. It makes things so easy and it sounds great even if you're new to recording. It's the only USB mic I found with different settings for solo sitting across from another person and omnidirectional for when you want to record every sound in the room, which is super, super cool. It's made by some of the same companies that make high end studio mics that have, that have been used on lots of big records. And Blue's been around for more than 20 years. Today Blue is part of Logitech for creators and they even have a new XLR mic, which is what Val and I use for We Made it weird. It's my favorite mic. It's the Sona Mic. It's just been released. It's xlr, which means it's as good as it gets. It sounds incredible. And if you want that next step up from the Blue Yeti, it's so cool to get the Sona XLR mic. It's for podcasting, it's for voiceover. I use it for so many things. In fact, I just use it on my zooms to be the person who sounds good. It's fantastic. If you're trying to do something creative that involves voiceover, involves music, or is a podcast, you gotta get yourself a blue mic. That's what we've been doing for over a decade now. So go to bluemike.com and use promo code weird for a special deal on any blue microphone. That's bluemic.com and show your support of this podcast. This episode is also brought to us by our friends at Trade Coffee. You know, for years I didn't really drink coffee. I used to say, I don't drink coffee. I run on anxiety. Well, now I love it. It's one of my favorite parts of my morning. I literally go to bed at night going, I'm looking forward to tomorrow's coffee and trade. Coffee is here to take your coffee game up to the next level. I don't know why so many people settle for blah coffee every day. With Trade Coffee, you can start your morning every day with something special. Let me tell you a little about Trade Coffee. It's a coffee subscription service unlike anything you've tried before. Because they partner with top independent roasters to freshly roast and send the best coffees in the country directly to your home or on forgive on your preferred schedule, your trade experience can be as simple or sophisticated as you want. You can quickly select from curated collections by roast, flavor profile, brewing method, and more. Their team of experts do all the work taste testing hundreds of coffees from across the US every month to curate over 450 exceptional coffees that make the cut. It really is pretty effing cool. Or if you want something curated just for you, then take a minute and complete Trades Coffee's Trades Coffee questionnaire. You'll be expertly matched with your perfect coffee and a fresh bag of beans will be on its way. I love this service. I love the diversity. Trying different coffees. I'm really shocked what a difference a different bean can make, a different grind or a different preparation can make. And I've been blown away with the quality and frankly, how these coffees make me feel and how good they taste takes the guesswork out of it and makes my morning ritual that much more special. And trade is the easiest way to get your very best tasting coffee delivered fresh when you need it. You've got nothing to lose because trade guarantees you'll love your first bag. If not, they'll work with you to replace it for free. So if you want to support small businesses and brew the best coffee cup of coffee you've ever made at home, it's time to try Trade Coffee. Right now, Trade is offering our listeners a total of 30 bucks off your first order, plus free shipping. That's 30 bucks off and free [e-mail] weird. That's drinktrade.com weird for $30 off your subscription to the best coffees in the country and show your support of this show. Thanks to Trade Coffee. Back to the show. We're back. I liked it. Oh, and the swallow. Yeah, it's really weird when you think about the peristaltic force and the uvula. Yeah, the uvula dipping in it. The uvula is always dipping its feet in the pool.

[B]

Yeah, it's going wee. Like, you know when you're paras sailing and they, they lower you enough where you dip your feet in the ocean and raise you again.

[A]

Yes, that's what your youth is doing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Your uvula is the home alarm system for your mouth. It's. It's. It's sole purpose. It's really gracious that we even have one. We need it so we don't die. But it's just dangling there. It's embarrassed. It's so exposed. It's like, I know. I'm like one ball and it's just in your mouth and it's gross. And we don't even really think much about it. And its only job is to go like. Like if, like there's something wrong. It's like the nervous Nelly of the mouth.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

The tongue doesn't care. The tongue's like, I'll eat ass. I'll eat. But the uvula is like too much iced tea.

[B]

It's so sensitive because remember when you never looked at it because you were. You couldn't handle it. But when I had my vocal polyp surgery, they just barely grazed my uvula with the tube.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

And it was weeks of like, what happened to Valerie?

[A]

Yeah. There's nothing more sense. And honestly, sometimes I go through the world feeling a little bit like a uvula. I feel like a uvula. I feel like me. You've la me. You love you. You love you. You love, you. You love. We view you la. We weave a uvula together. Forever endeavor to find a more sensitive part. Your hair, your heart. Your heart.

[B]

Wind.

[A]

You blow out a candle.

[B]

Oh, wow. That was good.

[A]

It wasn't. No.

[B]

Well, okay.

[A]

Okay. I don't care for this.

[B]

All right, what do we. What did we say we would do?

[A]

Okay, we're gonna finish the coffee game.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

You now make. And then we're gonna do whistle.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We'll do poem. If we can get through that in. We have only have an hour today we'll be champions.

[B]

Oh, great.

[A]

Okay. So you now make $50,000 a year. We want quite a jump camp. Okay, you now made $50,000 this year. So that's. That's like.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

It's like an entry level.

[B]

No.

[A]

Engineer.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

It's like a 10.

[B]

High level teacher.

[A]

I was going to say it's like a ten year. Yeah, it's the king of the teachers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm not. I'm not saying that with any pleasure. You guys deserve more money. You now make $50,000 a year. Valerie, just for a moment, you are ordering a coffee. You make 50k. Let's hear it.

[B]

Good morning. Can I have a latte?

[A]

It was like. It was Like Jennifer Garner. It was just. It was just right. Really speechless now. I mean, this is. This is where the real fun. You now make $250,000 a year.

[B]

Is this the last one, or am I gonna make more? 2 million.

[A]

We'll do 2 million after.

[B]

Okay, so this is 250. Okay. I have to really go ahead around.

[A]

This, by the way. 250 a year. They say you're. That's about the amount that it doesn't even matter if you made more. But it's not quite. I believe that's $350,000. If you have $350,000. One of my favorite little fun facts. It becomes inconsequential if you have more or less.

[B]

Less.

[A]

Okay. But go on.

[B]

Okay. Hi. A latte, please.

[A]

I didn't expect it.

[B]

I don't. I don't even know if I.

[A]

It was.

[B]

I wasn't. I didn't plan it.

[A]

I saw the yoga pants. I saw the dog.

[B]

Yeah, there's a small white dog. Right.

[A]

I saw it.

[B]

I didn't even expect.

[A]

It was a vision.

[B]

It was a vision.

[A]

As if peyote. As if peyote. Okay, real quick. That was just. Just generous that you shared that with us. Two mil. You make $2 million a year, and. And you do it with something that isn't, like, too difficult. It's not like you make 2 million being a civil servant that also does public speaking and writes books like busting your ass. You do it, you know, because you sold your online brand and now it basically runs itself. But you're the CEO and you make 2 million a year and you'd like a coffee.

[B]

Okay. Good morning. Give me a latte, darling. Oh.

[A]

Build a swindon till the swindon in the wind goes flipping through the plains and you make two mil and one. You're fill of a cappuccino with foam latte.

[B]

Can I have a cappuccino with foam latte there? Seriously?

[A]

The guy who told people how to say espresso also said, a cappuccino with foam latte, please.

[B]

I'm telling you, when I worked at the coffee shop, which was my first job, Jitter Bean in Humboldt county, shout out. There were always, like, older men coming in and being like, is there a espresso and a cappuccino foam latte? And you're like, that sentence doesn't make any sense.

[A]

And I'm sure I've told you this before, but when I worked at Lexington Flick on Mass Avenue. I believe it's called the Lexington venue now. Used to be Called the Fleck, which if you write it in all caps, looks like. Think about it. L to the I looks like a U. Anyway, they'd come in and they go, two seniors. And I'd go for what movie? Two. Okay, but there's two movies, so which one would you like? Seniors. I hear you. Two seniors. And then you would. Of course they don't want to see Sonic. They want to see tears of remembrance. And then you give them due to tears of remembrance. And halfway through they're like, Where's Tails? Where's Dr. Robotnik?

[B]

I am going to light a cigarette and put it in your mouth.

[A]

Because that was. That was premium, ultra premium. We're just having such a happy week.

[B]

We are.

[A]

Your insides are your outsides.

[B]

What I mean is, in some cases.

[A]

You mean like a uvula?

[B]

Yeah. Or a penis.

[A]

Oh, the ding dong does seem like another thing. Not quite the body. The ding dong seems like another thing. Like it's a guest visiting on a perch. Like a weird bird that's balls and a shaft. Flip, flip, flap. Picture it flying like a butterfly through the sky and a perch on your transcend zone. Cause your dick is you, but it feels like it's not you. I totally know what you mean. I have one. I've seen it every day of my life since I. I was 15. Before then, I didn't have an eggnogy feed out a hole in my ass. One day I opened the window and came flapping it so fast and landed on my pubis bone. Before I could say anything, it made itself at home. And now I have a ding dong. It's me, but it's not quite me. Oh, and we're screaming it's me, but it's not quite me. Flip, flap, flopping in the breezonk. Hans Zimmer. You've done it again.

[B]

I think that sounded like Sondheim to me.

[A]

That was a Dongheim.

[B]

Oh my God. I have tears on my face.

[A]

Tears for fears.

[B]

I just. There's nothing I love more in this world than a silly song. And you're the king of them and I may I married the right person.

[A]

This. This is when I knew you'd never see the scene in a movie, though. That's why. You know what I mean?

[B]

What scene?

[A]

What just happened? And that's what we look like and we. No one right, is truly represented. There's archetypes.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

There's like a Val type character and a Pete type character in thousands of movies. Yeah, but you'll never have that scene.

[B]

You'Ll never have that scene. And that's how I feel about most of our relationship. I agree.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

If we, like, we have, in my opinion, the world's best relationship, imo. But if we put it on screen, I. I think it would be, like, I don't know, like, cringy and unbelievable and, like, not endearing somehow. I don't know. It doesn't really work.

[A]

I agree. Well, here's the. Here's the problem. If this were a film, we would shoot that and you would laugh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you'd shoot it again from the wide and then the close. But you also, like. It feels like you. And then. And then it would start to feel polished.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And good. And then the effort negates the joke. Like, it's funnier because, you know, I'm just making it up. It's like. It's the problem with improv, like, putting improv on. On tv.

[B]

There's also a thing I've noticed in TV where.

[A]

Television.

[B]

Television, where if a friend makes a joke, it's. And then the other friend laughs at that joke. It's uncomfortable. I like. And I just was thinking of this because I was watching Will and Grace, because I'm always in a constant state of watching Will and Grace in my laptop around the house as I do laundry and things.

[A]

Shower sometimes in the shower.

[B]

Look, I really. I really like it. It's so good to me. It's my cold plunge.

[A]

This is your cold plunge.

[B]

But I. There's a. There was, like, a moment in Will and Grace. There's a million moments like this per episode. But, like, there. It's Thanksgiving. Will is basting the turkey with the turkey baster, and Grace comes in and he goes, hey, do you want to make a baby real quick? And, like, holds up the turkey baster. It's really funny. If your friend. If your gay friend said that, you would laugh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she just went, why is that funny? And he was. Or I think she says that. And she's like, no, I'm asking. Whatever. The point is, she says something snarky and she doesn't laugh. And I'm like, in real life, you would laugh, but if we saw her laughing at that, it would be cringy. And I love. I do really like the show How I Met yout Mother, but that is one of the things it does that is hard for me to get past. They laugh at each other's jokes, and it is sweet. And I think I. I could see how it is sweet, but every time it happens because I'm not used to it. Maybe I'm like, this is weird. Like they're just.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're also laughing at what Barney just said.

[A]

And they do that on Curb. But because they're improvising, you know, it's a real laugh.

[B]

Well, yes, absolutely. That It. I'm. I guess I'm talking about multicams.

[A]

I actually thought you were going to say that multicams are the exception because the audience is there and it's almost like they're breaking. And we love a break, but we don't like them laughing in character.

[B]

We don't want them laughing in character. Which is so interesting that there's all these.

[A]

See the math of this? And it's.

[B]

It's beautiful.

[A]

How did you know?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I can see the math and it's beautiful.

[B]

It's like happening in glowing blue on the.

[A]

We are like a sorority. We're synced up. We are completely synced up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We've been reading each other's words.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I've been like. That's why I was like. Even on this podcast, you were saying things and I'm like, I'll let you finish. But I know exactly where you're going. But even more so. I don't know. Here's the whistle thing.

[B]

Okay. Yes. So when I was in child high school with my best friend Rachel Herd, she was like my first monogamous relationship was this best friend that I had from.

[A]

Yeah. While I was sort of friend dating Earn. You had Rachel?

[B]

Yeah. And we were like. We had other friends, but we were always together.

[A]

Yeah. Look, Claire's only makes a two sided best friend necklace.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

There was. Oh, wait, I think they do make a three way.

[B]

I think they do make a three way. Yeah, they probably make a ten way.

[A]

Now the throuple.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Claire's presents the polyamorous heart necklace. Just the tiniest bit. You can't even tell it's a heart. I share this with 17 other people and it doesn't say best friends. It goes. Wow, that was.

[B]

Oh, my God. I was not expecting. I don't want to shame you. That was funny. I just didn't expect it.

[A]

I didn't. And I don't know if I liked it either.

[B]

Okay, moving on quickly.

[A]

I'm editing that out. I'm going to tell Katie there's an. Edit it at 44 minutes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You all can. We'll bleep it. You can guess what I said we're gonna bleep it because it'll be funny. You'll just know it was something not over the line. Just wasn't good for us at 10:45 in the morning.

[B]

Oh, my God. I love the idea.

[A]

A BLEEP will make it even funnier.

[B]

Can we believe it? With the honk? Like, you know, like the.

[A]

Those, like clown horn.

[B]

Yeah, the clown horn.

[A]

Or a bike horn. So what? Clowns of bikes by the transitive property. Same horn.

[B]

I think the clown that didn't fit in the car has to ride the bike. And he gets.

[A]

No, I mean, the image in my mind was a cake and I'm just putting buttercream on it. And you go, can I have that? And I go, yeah, yeah, it's for you.

[B]

Okay. So Rachel and I used to play this game, and I was just sharing this with you, Peter Benedict Holmes, yesterday, where we used to try to harmonize whistling. Whistling. And what becomes fun about it is that I think it might be impossible. And it probably isn't, but it is really hard to do. And then you start laughing. And then the fun really is to try and whistle through the laughter.

[A]

It's to. SteveK. And I used to play a game very similar. The point of the game is to laugh, and then you can't play the game while you're laughing.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Which perpetuates the laugh. It's a perpetual motion machine.

[B]

But it is also, like, I'm gonna try to not break.

[A]

Yeah, me too. Because it doesn't work if you fake it.

[B]

The rare times that we actually could get a nice harmony going for just a moment, it was so funny and magical.

[A]

I'm gonna go low first.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Let's think of a song. The Bluey theme.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay, hold on. My whistle is bad today, but it's also embarrassing. In the 30s. That was a bad day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just couldn't whistle. I went down to the farmer. I wanted a bag of sarsaparilla juice for my aches and my pinks. And boy, help me if I didn't try to whistle while I was in line and my whistle had left me. I had given up the ghost of my whistle. And if I didn't get a sideways glance from Deb. Debbie, the neighbor Debbie, my sweet neighbor. She's my neighbor. This is my neighbor.

[B]

His accent has been like three different things in the course of my life.

[A]

But now it's definitely this one. This is my neighbor. Then my neighbor Deborah. Then my neighbor Deborah. My neighbor Deborah overheard me try to give her out A sweet whistle. And my neighbor Deborah. My neighbor Deborah, she heard that. I did not. I did not. I did not have a whistle that day. My wish was not wet, and I could not do it for my neighbor Dibble. It's Bobby Boucher.

[B]

Oh, my God. That's my new TT White verdict. I loved that. Okay, do it slow.

[A]

Now. I'll go high.

[B]

Okay. Is this good radio?

[A]

I can't do it. I can't go that high. This is what happens sometimes. We do a bit in the car.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're so relaxed. And we're just like. We're just right.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And then we try to do it on the show. And I can't hit the note today. It's too early in the morning. My uvula is all traumatized because it didn't want to be on the show.

[B]

I lost my whistle.

[A]

I lost my. I lost my whistle in front of my number. Double, double, double. My neighbor, my neighbor Deborah. She heard me. She heard me. And I lost my whistle. And I will not rest until my neighbor Deborah hears me let out a clean, smooth, steady sound. And if I can't do it, I might take my life. Like, it's like, whoa. Whoa. Oh, my God. My neighbor Deborah. My neighbor Debbie. I've been in love with you. I've been in love with you. I've been in love with you. Diana. Neighbor Day Ball. We widen the reveal. He's talking in the mirror. He's rehearsing. I'm in love with you. My neighbor Day Ball. He's in a room. I really saw it in my mind. It's an empty room except for a mirror.

[B]

I don't have a bathroom. It's just a.

[A]

It's a room he doesn't use. You want to go in the mirror? Neighbor, neighbor. Come over the neighbor room. I'm in the mirror room. Oh, I up again.

[B]

And we're back to. Aren't people's accents funny? But they.

[A]

And they are.

[B]

They are.

[A]

Some people talk like this. Hello. Some people talk like this Good eye. Some people talk like this Hid. Some people talk. Talk like this Some people talk like this it's back to British.

[B]

We only can do like.

[A]

Some people talk like this. I love lemonade. Some people talk like this Wakanda. Some people. Is that okay?

[B]

I think so.

[A]

It's okay. I'm doing a song on some people. We're back. Back to the original character. Can I say Wakanda in a Wakandan accent? It's not even a real place. Wakanda forever. Forever. It's one of my favorite accents. It's very pleasing to the mouth. Oh, and to do like, kind of like a classic. I don't even know Africa has so many dialects. You can't call it an app. I'm calling it Wakandan. Wakanda forever.

[B]

Yeah, I know, it's nice.

[A]

It's really nice to hear giving it a sincere compliment. All right, well, we gotta get the out of here.

[B]

This is quite the sod.

[A]

This is the best episode we do, is the best so we've ever done. You should put this baking sod in your fridge to keep your produce fresh because it'll work.

[B]

Dude, you have a poem.

[A]

I mean, does it even. Does it even work work at this point?

[B]

Because it's been such a Silly Billy we. I, I do. I love the, the Soads. I'm gonna stop calling it that. I hate it. I love the episodes that we do. I love every one of them. But it's been a long time since we've had just a full on Silly Billy the entire way through.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

And I really enjoyed it.

[A]

I didn't talk about ptsd. No. No. I didn't give my parents some grief. No. I didn't talk about rain. Oh, no, no. I didn't try to get you all the cold. Okay, you got it. Here. It's not even a poem, it's a quote. But it's Hafiz. Hafiz.

[B]

Hafiz.

[A]

Hafiz. Hafiz. Oh, I believe it was a Muslim.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A Muslim mystic is a Sufi. He might be a Sufi, but Sufi is Muslim.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Jew is to Kabbalah. Here we go. Sufi. No, as Muslim is to Sufi. Christian is to mystic.

[B]

Christian mystic. That's Hindu wisdomistic.

[A]

Yeah. Some of them don't have their own category. Some of them don't have to try to get the crowd going. Some of them don't have their own category. Some of them. It's just the worst time. They had so many catchier songs. Why did they try to get us to sing that one?

[B]

Oh, my God. That's like one of my favorite bits that Conan used to do on the late nights was. And I wish I could remember the guy's name. He was one of the, like, writers who also would do sketches and stuff. But it was like the guy who tries to get a chant going, but it's just like, it's not repetitive in any way.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You've played that for me.

[B]

I love it. It's great. Look it up. Just like I Don't know. Guy who tries to get chant going. Conan o', Brien, late night. You can do it. I'm not even gonna try to do it. You just. Just Google it. We have YouTube now.

[A]

Oh, it's roomy. This other one, I'm going to do two. Two. And I got them both from father Greg Bole. I'm reading. It's called the Hold Language. It's the third book. His third book. It's fucking incredible. I love it. So I got both of these poems from that. But read that book. It's incredible. It's a great audiobook too. So this is Hafez Hafiz, pulling out the chair beneath your mind and watching you fall upon God. What else is there to do that is any fun in this world? Isn't that good? Real short. Real short. And this is a roomy. Let me see. Where am I going on this glorious journey? To your house, of course. Before the mind can figure out how love has climbed the holy mountain. I just love. It's just like. That's what I want to say to everybody listening. It's what I want to say when I'm in love. It's what I want to say to everybody. Where are we going? On this glorious journey?

[B]

To your house.

[A]

Your house, of course. It's like. You think I'd forget you. Oh, it's for you. Oh, Rumi, roomie. You've done it. At the end of just a lot of silliness. You've brought us to our hearts.

[B]

Loved that. Thank you for sharing that.

[A]

Well, thank you. Father Craig Boyle, please give to Homeboy Industries. Please read the whole language.

[B]

I think you should say, keep it crispy. As neighbor Debba.

[A]

Neighbor Deborah. I want you to come in my house and I want you to. If I could be so bold. My neighbor. My neighbor Deborah. It was better than I could have hoped.

[B]

It was really not even what I was expecting.

[A]

Me neither. It had sort of an air bubble that popped.

[B]

I saw it in your cheek.

[A]

I had a dizzy gillespie moment.

[B]

You had like a loose mouth.

[A]

He had a dentures out. I had a dent out. Mouth out. Dentures ventures. Keep it a crispy.