Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – We Made It Weird #108

Release Date: October 14, 2022
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Val (Valerie Chaney, Pete’s wife)

Overview – Main Theme & Purpose

This episode continues the tradition of “We Made It Weird”—a more casual, intimate Friday bonus series within Pete Holmes’ regular show. Pete and Val, life partners, use this special entry (#108) to unpack their relationship quirks, personal insecurities, anxiety triggers, and how humor, vulnerability, and mindfulness can help normalize “secret weirdness.” The conversation veers from playful banter and bodily function jokes to deep dives into anxiety, personal growth, and messages of validation for listeners.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Making It Weird: Playful Banter and Intimacy

• Opening Energy and Vocal Play (07:09–08:33):

  • Pete and Val riff on vocal tongue-twisters. Pete jokes about kisses being “buttholes touching,” while Val describes a kiss as “You’re so yummy I want to eat you, but I’m just going to rub my mouth on you instead.”
  • Quote: Pete: “What is a kiss? Let’s make our face look like buttholes and touch it together and then, like, poop little tongues if you’re really into it.” (08:10)

• Nudity and Relationship Rituals (13:17–14:20):

  • They discuss the playful, casual attitude they have towards nudity and affirming each other.
  • Val notes Pete always acknowledges seeing her nude, leading Pete to joke about their “cash-nude” (cashmere = casual nude) marriage.

2. Validation and Insecurity in Relationships

• Validation and Relationship Needs (13:31–15:20):

  • Pete confesses: “What’s sort of embarrassing about talking about what you like in your relationship is you get a glimpse at what I need.”

• First Impressions and the Desire to Be Liked (15:46–16:39):

  • Pete admits he instinctively sizes up people based on whether he thinks he can make them like him:

    “Most of my new people in my life, I have that knee jerk reaction. I like them or I don't like them... operates on an on off principle of do they like me or can I make them like me?” (16:19)

  • Val validates this, noting that most people share this need.

3. Judgment, Social Anxiety, and Fart Jokes (16:39–21:28)

• Pete discusses judging others as a self-protection mechanism and fixating on people who seem “unreachable” (e.g., a rich guy at lunch).
• Extended, humorous conversation about farting in relationships versus cars (“I’ve never farted in the new car... a car will go, I’m gonna remember this, like, in the cushion”).
• Analogy of “dogs sneaking out” for bodily gas as a metaphor for relationship openness.

4. Childhood Coping, Trauma, and the Need for Control (21:29–29:00)

• Pete connects his tendencies back to childhood, needing to “control” relationships for safety due to his family environment.

• The couple talk about how hard it is to remember their best coping tools when triggered by old family dynamics.

  • Quote: Val: “Practice is just trying to remember… that’s why having a lot of different tools is helpful.” (29:02)

5. Personal Anxiety and Self-Soothing (29:45–39:39)

• Val discusses her anticipatory anxiety around Pete leaving for tour—how trauma “takes over” and how, even when tools are available, anxiety can feel insurmountable.

• Pete describes pre-show anxiety manifesting as dreams about missing his set list.

• Both share real-life strategies: reframing anxieties, scheduling worries, and differentiating between actual experiences and imagined concerns.

  • Quote: Val: “Our anxiety lives in the future. It’s telling scary stories about the future and usually pulling from experiences of the past.” (36:41)

6. Mindfulness, Safety, and Self-Acceptance (39:40–50:12)

• Conversation shifts to practical mindfulness—being present as a way to “accordion out” (stretch and space) worries and not get overwhelmed.
• They decide to offer a “mini-benediction” or message of hope to listeners.
  • Pete: “You’re safe, even if there are people who don’t like you... It’s okay that that person doesn’t like you. Not everybody has to like you.”
  • Val: “For those people whose belief—‘I don’t care what people think about me’—has hardened, you are safe letting people like you.”
• Acknowledgement that full safety is rare; the world is “safe enough, enough of the time” (Val quoting her therapist at 49:55).

7. The Myth of Constant Happiness (52:45–55:30)

• Val disputes the Western myth that happiness is a constant, achievable state, calling it “not human nature.”
• They discuss spiritual teachers (Greg Boyle, Eckhart Tolle, Rupert Spira) and challenge the idea that enlightenment equates to never feeling bad emotions.
  • Quote: Val: “You should be happy all the time and that’s achievable—which just isn’t natural. That’s not human nature.” (53:03)
• Pete recounts how Tolle, when his microphone failed, simply stated: “I’m not irritated at all.” (55:37)

8. Messages of Hope and Validation (59:09–63:46)

• Val offers a meditation: reflect on all the challenges you’ve weathered and realize “you got through all of that, and you’re still here... just because you’re feeling it doesn’t mean you’re not getting through it.”
• Pete provides further reassurance: “By virtue of being here is your pass. It’s your ticket to the party. You belong here because you’re here.”
• Father Boyle’s message is paraphrased: "You are exactly what God had in mind when he made you." (63:46)
• Both remind listeners: Humans are part of nature. “You are nature, and you belong here.” (63:52)

9. Final Playfulness and Sign-Off (64:44–65:56)

• Pete improvises a silly “poem” about Street Fighter, queefs, and “Zangief”—much to Val’s horror and amusement.
• The episode ends with mutual laughter and the signature phrase: “Keep it crispy.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Kisses:
  Pete: “Let’s make our face look like buttholes and touch it together and then, like, poop little tongues if you’re really into it.” (08:10)

• On Validation:
  Val: “You never once… changed… you never have. And I probably wouldn’t have noticed, but… you came really close and I was like [gasp]… sometimes if you’re talking or deep in conversation, it’ll just be an eye. Like an eye-widening.” (14:32)

• On Judgment and Safety:
  Pete: “If I couldn't control you, that's it. You would become unsafe to me…my strategy [as a kid] was, I don't understand these people, but if I can get them to like me, I'll be okay.” (18:24)

• On Anxiety:
  Val: “Our anxiety lives in the future. It's telling scary stories about the future and usually pulling from experiences of the past.” (36:41)

• On Mindfulness:
  Val: “Life is designed to give you things in bite sized pieces. It's our minds that make us think that it's all crazy and we're overwhelmed.” (39:13)

• On Belonging:
  Pete: “By virtue of being here is your pass. It's your ticket to the party. You belong here because you're here... If you can hear my voice, you're here. You belong here.” (63:39)

Important Timestamps

• 07:09 – Tongue twisters and making it weird
• 13:17 – Pete and Val’s “cash-nude” relationship rituals
• 15:46 – Pete’s confessions about snap judgments and being liked
• 18:24 – Childhood roots of Pete’s coping mechanisms
• 29:45 – Val on anticipatory anxiety and self-soothing strategies
• 36:41 – Reframing future-oriented anxiety
• 39:40 – Mindfulness as a tool for easing overwhelm
• 47:32 – Pete’s benediction: It’s okay not everyone likes you
• 49:55 – Val on "the world is safe enough, enough of the time"
• 53:03 – Challenging the myth of constant happiness
• 55:37 – Eckhart Tolle and the broken microphone anecdote
• 59:09 – Val’s mini-meditation on surviving hardship
• 63:39 – Message of belonging and worth
• 64:44 – Improvised poem and silly end-of-episode laughter

Tone & Language

The episode’s tone is a quintessential blend of Pete Holmes’ earnest introspection and irreverent humor, interspersed with Valerie’s thoughtful, validating insights and quick wit. Both speakers toggle between authenticity—sharing their fears, growth, and relationship quirks—and absurd humor, offering listeners a relatable, uplifting (and hilarious) lens on everyday weirdness.

For New Listeners

This episode is emblematic of the “We Made It Weird” series: candid, deeply personal, silly, and wise. It’s equally about laughing at the weird stuff we all share, and holding space for each other through life’s anxieties and challenges. Val, in particular, offers several therapeutic and compassionate takeaways, while Pete models radical honesty and self-acceptance—making this a comforting listen for anyone wrestling with anxiety, belonging, or the question: “Am I the only weirdo?”

Signature Sign-off:
“All right, babies, keep it crispy.”