Podcast Summary: We Made It Weird #116
Podcast: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Hosts: Pete Holmes & Valerie Chaney
Date: December 9, 2022
Main Theme
This episode captures Pete Holmes and Valerie Chaney in a free-flowing, intimate conversation during a “coffee date” at 9:30 in the morning. Their dialogue moves through playful banter, food and holiday associations, relationships, spiritual practices (especially A Course in Miracles and Buddhism), childhood influences, emotional honesty, boundaries, and healing. The tone is warm, funny, self-deprecating, and at times deeply vulnerable.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Coffee Date Vibes & Holiday Banter
00:20–11:00
- Pete and Val talk about the change of recording in the morning instead of their “off-mic” coffee dates.
- They riff on holiday songs and the word “Aboriginal” ("It's funny because it has the word original in it, and abs. A lot of them have abs, if I'm being honest. The hunting, the gathering lifestyle..." — Pete, 07:10).
- Their banter morphs into playful absurdity, as they make up holiday puns (“Happy Hollandaise”) and reflect on Pete never having had eggs Benedict or Hollandaise sauce, leading to a foodie tangent.
2. Risky Foods, Oysters, and Rituals of Eating
11:18–18:00
- Discussion about Anthony Bourdain’s aversion to hollandaise and mussels, segueing into “bad oyster” as a gross-out phrase for Pete.
- Val shares childhood stories about Humboldt County’s Oyster Fest, the social aspects, and developing a taste for oysters later in life ("The whole town came together... I loved going to oysterfest because the whole town got together and just got schmammered." — Val, 16:43).
- Humorous, slightly gross riffs on oyster-related wordplay (e.g., “Slurp and Swallow” as an oyster bar name, and the failed “Goisters” sketch about tube oystering).
3. Relationship Dynamics, Judgement, and Intimacy
18:31–22:30
- The couple discusses sexual preferences, privacy, and the feeling of “alone time” even during intimate acts. Pete uses humor to defuse the awkwardness.
- They touch on how relationship boundaries and preferences can change and how honesty about desires is important ("No one’s looking and you're just kind of like alone." — Pete, 19:09).
4. Spiritual Practices: A Course in Miracles, Judgement, and Mercy
21:54–42:00
- Pete shares his current spiritual practice (A Course in Miracles), emphasizing confrontation with negative thoughts ("...you literally today the practice is to sit, close your eyes, and willingly invoke all of your hateful thoughts... and say, I could see peace instead of this." — Pete, 22:21).
- The duo dives into the internal landscape of judgment, defense mechanisms, and childhood wounds (internal family systems, “protector” and “exile” concepts).
- Notable analogy: defenders in your mind as WWII soldiers who never received the message the war is over; how healing is about honoring rather than shaming your defenses.
- Texting and boundaries: They explore how feelings of anger or overwhelm often indicate poor boundary-setting, not simply the actions of others ("The anger... comes from an inability on our part to set good boundaries, so we're taking it out on them." — Val, 31:43).
5. Projection, Guilt, and Spiritual Forgiveness
34:23–42:00
- Pete illustrates projection by recounting feelings toward a friend, “Bon Belaney,” who rarely replies to texts. He links this to the psychological idea of projecting internal guilt outward, wanting others to be “guilty” so he can be “innocent.”
- The conversation explores how spiritual paths, like the Course, ask one to notice these impulses, forgive the external world, and reclaim internal peace.
- They reflect on the paradox of feeling both overwhelmed by communication yet hurt when others do not reciprocate, using it as an example of how easily we cast ourselves as victims ("I'm the victim when people text me, and I'm the victim when people don't reply to my liking." — Pete, 41:47).
6. Family Influences, Fear, and Judgment
43:14–58:52
- Pete and Val examine Pete’s upbringing in a judgment-heavy household, and how that shaped his mind for stand-up comedy and his own inner work.
- Pete describes how parental models (especially his father) made fear and judgment his default lens, and how this ties to inherited ideas of God as punishing or distant ("I felt like a gazelle, and there was one lion in the crowd." — Pete, 58:48).
- Pete discusses a recent vulnerable moment with his father, who showed up at Pete’s show after being told not to—leading to a conversation about fear, respect, and God.
- The pair touch on how family dynamics often set the template for adult spirituality and self-conception.
7. The Core Teachings of A Course in Miracles and Buddhism
61:17–79:44
- Pete unpacks the Course’s metaphysics: Non-duality, guilt, the “tiny mad idea” of separation from God, and the notion that the only true choice is between love and fear.
- The pair compare and contrast Course language with Buddhist teachings of non-separation, compassion towards objects, impermanence, and mindfulness.
- Buddhism’s comfort with impermanence and interconnectedness is contrasted with the Course’s view of the material as illusory, yet both converge on compassion and awareness (“Choose again,” is the centerpiece lesson).
- The discussion lands on the daily practice of recognizing patterns, surrendering to feelings, and then making conscious choices to shift energy ("The last chapter of the text is called 'Choose Again.'” — Pete, 76:53).
8. Emotional Honesty and Surrender (Miscarriage, Grief, and Healing)
83:10–89:20
- Val vulnerably shares her recent miscarriage, the second during their attempts at having another child, and the resulting grief coloring her emotional landscape.
- The couple talk through the balance between surrender (feeling what is honestly present) and choice (consciously shifting emotional states).
- Val uses the metaphor of a toddler’s tantrum over a lost toy, illustrating the importance of both emotional validation and knowing when to help oneself move on.
9. Poetic Coda: Mary Oliver
91:34–93:28
- Val closes the episode with Mary Oliver’s poem “Can You Imagine?”, a reflection on the silent joy and patience of trees—a metaphor for steadfastness, contentment, and presence.
"Surely you can't imagine they just stand there loving every minute of it... patience and happiness like that." —Mary Oliver, quoted by Valerie, 93:03
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “It’s funny because it has the word original in it, and abs. A lot of them have abs, if I’m being honest.” — Pete (07:10)
- “Happy Hollandaise. And also a breakfast song.” — Pete (09:32)
- “Slurp and Swallow would be a great name for an oyster bar.” — Valerie (15:35)
- “I like 69 because it’s like a privacy booth... no one’s looking.” — Pete (19:03)
- “You say to those thoughts... ‘I could see peace instead of this.’” — Pete (22:41)
- “What I come back to again and again... if I actually had better boundaries, I wouldn’t have such a flare up...” — Valerie (32:03)
- “You want him to be guilty. The Course would say you dreamt him... so you could tell God, ‘See, I’m good, I try to stay in touch. They abandon me.’” — Pete (35:41)
- “I was happy with just, like, let’s just nibble the corner of a cracker.” — Pete (35:53)
- “Parents and family systems set the template for our relationship to God.” — Pete (61:17 paraphrased)
- “The last chapter of the text is called Choose Again.” — Pete (76:53)
- “Surely you can’t imagine they just stand there loving every minute of it... patience and happiness like that.” — Mary Oliver (read by Valerie, 93:03)
Timestamps for Important Segments
- 00:20–11:00: Coffee date, holiday riffs, “Aboriginal,” Eggs Benedict, foodie detours
- 11:18–18:00: Oysters, “Goisters” sketch, Oyster Fest memories
- 18:31–22:30: Sexual honesty, privacy, comedy about intimacy
- 21:54–42:00: A Course in Miracles, negative thoughts, internal family systems, boundary-setting
- 34:23–42:00: Projecting guilt, texting, being a “victim”
- 43:14–58:52: Family influence, childhood, Pete’s father, show incident
- 61:17–79:44: Core teachings of the Course and Buddhism, oneness, impermanence, “Choose Again”
- 83:10–89:20: Val’s miscarriage and grief, emotional surrender vs. choice
- 91:34–93:28: Mary Oliver poem as a closing meditation
Summary Tone & Feel
The episode balances Pete and Valerie’s trademark goofy, loving riffing with a deep dive into spiritual and emotional growth. It feels like being at an intimate brunch with two thoughtful, vulnerable friends alternately making you laugh, think, and feel deeply seen.
For New Listeners
This episode is a great representation of both the humorous and profound aspects of We Made It Weird. You get the hosts’ silly side early, but the majority of the show is rooted in honest dialogue about healing, emotional awareness, and spiritual practice—with plenty of relatable, real-life examples and a dose of poetry at the end.
Closing Moment
"Would you? All right, babies, keep it crispy."
— Pete & Val, sign-off