We Made It Weird #128

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – We Made It Weird #128

Episode Date: March 17, 2023
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-Host: Valerie (Val)
Theme: Secret Weirdness, Vulnerability, and the Human Condition

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Overview

In this heartfelt and meandering episode, Pete Holmes and his wife/co-host Val share candid reflections about vulnerability, creative rituals, romantic ideals, ego wounds, spirituality, and the pursuit of unconditional love. Through playful banter, music geek-outs, and deeper philosophical inquiry, the couple explores themes of authenticity, childhood wounds, and what it means to be truly at peace with oneself.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Abrupt Beginnings and the Sopranos Analogy

• The episode opens with Pete and Val joking about the abrupt way the conversation wrapped up, likening it to the Sopranos finale ([00:24]).
• Val didn’t finish Sopranos: “It got a little too rapey for me.” ([00:42])
• Pete contrasts Sopranos and Succession, revealing his preference for emotional negotiation over gritty drama ([01:11]).

2. Creative Rituals & Performing at Your Best

• Pete emphasizes the importance of having personal rituals before recording or performing, such as coffee, breath work, or supplements:

  "I appreciate when people who are in performance have things." ([12:31])

• Val agrees, calling these routines “rituals” that genuinely help mental and physical preparation ([12:54]).

3. Music, Emotional Release, and Range

• The couple reminisces about “old ladies rapping” in the ’90s and Val’s love for The Wedding Singer, sparking a playful impersonation exchange ([09:00], [09:11]).
• They discuss the powerful emotional impact of extraordinary vocal performances and viral singing videos, including Nick Pitera’s “A Whole New World” ([16:12]).
• Val describes her favorite singing video and the cathartic effect of witnessing pure creative expression:

  “She is completely swept up in pure creativity... it makes me so happy.” ([23:58])

4. Romance, Movies, and Idealism

• Pete jokes about his college friend getting engaged after seeing The Wedding Singer, speculating that these romantic movies prime us for marriage ([19:28]).
• Val admits her own susceptibility to the romance of such films, sharing:

  “I am such a romantic person—like, embarrassingly so... when I was a teenager, all I did was watch movies like that and pine for love like that.” ([20:13])

5. Vulnerability, Ambition, and the Ego

• Pete vulnerably details the emotional rollercoaster of auditioning, describing the “vulnerability hangover” afterward and noticing how his self-worth becomes tied to external outcomes ([30:12], [31:05]):

  “If I get it, I'm good. If I don't, I'm bad. And suddenly the solid thing—”

• Val relates this to her need for approval, drawing parallels to attachment theory:

  “If one person who absolutely loves me... is momentarily upset with me, I'm bad. And I don't deserve love.” ([32:36])

• They both recognize how these feelings stem from “ego wounds” and early childhood experiences ([33:14]), and Pete riffs on the futility of trying to fill this void with external achievement ([37:11]).

6. Spirituality: Course in Miracles & the Mind of God

• Pete discusses how A Course in Miracles reframes these struggles:

  “You are resting safely in the mind of God. That’s this beautiful line that you're just like... if you could remove all the impediments, you'd recognize that.” ([31:26])

• The hosts reflect on how spiritual practices, therapy, and bodywork help to heal these core wounds—and the limitations of seeking validation through achievement ([38:11]).

7. Body Awareness and the Limits of Ecstasy

• Val describes how yin yoga and somatic practices help her process emotions:

  “Every wave of emotion is like tossing that egg and cracking it a little bit more... my heart is just cracked wide open. That’s that sweet spot for me—where I'm like, that's your Enya.” ([46:28], [47:43])

• She observes the brain’s tendency to resist staying in bliss, longing to hold onto it forever, but recognizing the universe’s natural “pulsation” of presence and absence ([48:08]).

8. Chasing Validation and the Ego’s Pursuit

• Val connects this to attachment theory, where the ego seeks to prove its worth through struggle, chasing conditional love instead of receiving it unconditionally ([62:41]):

  “Some part of us... actually doesn't want the unconditional love of God. We want to… earn it by our merits, then win it over to prove that we exist.”

• Pete expands:

  “The ego tries to understand unconditional love... And like, that just doesn't work because it always knows a bunch of ones. A zero could come at any moment." ([65:47])

9. Mind as Projector: Reality, Dreaming, and Consciousness

• Pete explores the idea that the mind is always projecting sensory experiences, likening waking life to dreaming:

  “Your brain, not just when it's asleep, is always projecting one of the senses... This is an indication that the brain has the potential... to show you things.” ([73:21])

• He links this to the core metaphysical teachings of A Course in Miracles, using thought experiments about imagination and the senses to demonstrate how “reality” is constructed by the mind ([74:53]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Audition Anxiety and Self-Worth

“If I get it, I'm good. If I don't I'm bad. And I suddenly—the solid thing [disappears].”
— Pete ([30:57])

Attachment and Approval

“If one person who absolutely loves me... is momentarily upset with me, I’m bad. That was all it took. I’m bad now. And I don't deserve love. And... it's more like I don't exist.”
— Val ([32:36])

Rituals for Creativity

“I appreciate when people who are in performance have things.”
— Pete ([12:31])

On Artistic Range

“You want somebody who can go very low and then go really high.”
— Val ([15:15])

Course in Miracles on Resting in the Divine

“You are resting safely in the mind of God... It doesn’t mean later. It means right now.”
— Pete ([31:26])

Accepting Emotional Waves

“Every wave of emotion is like tossing that egg and cracking it a little bit more... My heart is just cracked wide open.”
— Val ([47:40])

The Ego’s Reluctance for Unconditional Love

“Some part of us... doesn’t want the unconditional love of God. We want to earn it by our merits.”
— Val ([62:41])

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Notable Timestamps

• [00:24-01:20] – Opening banter, Sopranos analogy, TV tastes.
• [09:08-10:13] – The Wedding Singer talk, Val’s romantic side.
• [12:31-15:15] – Creative rituals, coffee, and music theory.
• [16:12-18:00] – Nick Pitera’s viral “A Whole New World”.
• [19:28-21:25] – Movie-induced romantic optimism and influence on marriage.
• [30:12-31:05] – Vulnerability in auditions, tying self-worth to success.
• [31:26-32:36] – A Course in Miracles perspective on safety and self-worth.
• [46:28-48:08] – Yin yoga, body awareness, difficulty sustaining bliss.
• [62:41-65:47] – Attachment, chasing validation, the ego’s view of love.
• [73:21-74:53] – Mind as projector, thought experiments on sight and sound.

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Closing Thoughts

Pete and Val’s conversation flows seamlessly from playful musical geek-outs to deep existential unpacking, modeling the “secret weirdness” underlying human experience. Their vulnerability and philosophical candor offer gentle reminders that everyone struggles with self-worth and acceptance—and that rituals, self-inquiry, and a sense of humor are all crucial for navigating the messiness of being alive.

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Keep it crispy!

Transcript

[A]

You made it weird.

[B]

You made it weird.

[A]

You made it weird.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You made it weird. Yes, you did. Made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[B]

What's happening?

[A]

Weirdos indeed.

[B]

Little. You little weirdos. You freaks.

[A]

What a fun one. I said it's funny. We had to wrap this one up sort of abruptly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was a little bit of a Sopranos. Sopranos finale.

[B]

I don't get the reference. You know, I know. I for sure know. I. To be fair, I watched at least half of the Sopranos.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then it got a little too rapey for me.

[A]

Yeah, no, I know. I know exactly when you lost interest and that's. We cover this. You're a wedding singer girl.

[B]

I am. We cover this episode.

[A]

I love that. I literally. It's not anti Sopranos, but now when we rewatch the Sopranos, I'm like. I'm just not. I'm not processing these. These feelings as much as I was.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

I don't know. I'm just not. Not Game of Thrones. And I'm not beheading anybody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not whacking people. I'm not murdering and strip club cocaine. It's just not where I'm at. I'm more of a succession guy now.

[B]

Yeah. Which is stressful in other ways.

[A]

Like. But they're negotiating rich emotional tapestries.

[B]

That's right. And I'm so interested in what's not being said here.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dorking out on Dork Schmorcks.

[A]

Dork Schmorcks had no forks. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

Well, I really needed this one. Val helped. I'm just feeling a little bit low. And it was just such a nice chat and such a nice way to spend a sunny Friday.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So let's get into it as quick as possible. I'm on the road if you guys want to see me either. At Largo in the Los Angeles area. That's every month. Go to largo-la.com for tickets to that. And then if you. If you aren't in LA and you want me to come to you, it's a little weird, but I guess I can. I do. I do have a family. But sure. Why don't I come to you? I'm just kidding. But I'll be coming all over. All over. I know. Every time. Go to Pete Ohms. Dot com, I believe. Houston, New Orleans. There's lots of stuff coming up.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Michigan.

[B]

Dallas.

[A]

Dallas. Yeah. Two. Two. Texas.

[B]

I know. Like, two weeks apart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's making it tricky to plan to see my family in Texas.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but we'll figure it out and. But lots of dates. Go to PeteHomes.com Hope you can be there. And if you like this show as you know it always, like doing the ads for this show is always a point of stress for me. So it's always nice. Meaning, like the bookkeeping of it, the managing of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So if you want to support me directly and support this show directly, just try a Pete's pick. Use the promo code. Shows the advertisers that these spots work. Keeps the lights on over here and. And that's a nice little gift you can give me and hopefully yourself because these products are really things that I use and love. So, Katie, roll them. Ads like the Perfect Gene. I. I am obsessed with my perfect jeans. In fact, it's gotten to the point where they're the only pants I wear because they're incredibly comfortable, but they're also incredibly stylish. I've worn them to premieres. I've worn them around the house. I've fallen asleep with them because they're that comfortable. They're almost pj. I'm gonna say they are PJ comfortable, but they look incredible. The fit and the cut and the build of these jeans is awesome. But there's a little stretchy secret to them. The stretchy secret. 2% spandex, 2.5% rayon for extra comfort and movement that your man parts require. I just flew here. I'm recording this intro in Toronto. I always, always, always fly in my perfect jeans. I always perform in my perfect jeans. I always do everything in my perfect jeans. Because when do I not want to be comfortable? When do I not want to look good and be comfortable? They're so soft, you might even forget you're wearing pants. And. And I haven't had to replace a single pair yet. I've been wearing them for years. Meaning they are incredibly durable, made with super, super high quality sewing techniques and the materials themselves are very, very high quality. They're my favorite pants. Everybody wears pants. You want to show support of the show? Show yourself some support. Get some perfect jeans. The perfect jean for the perfectly imperfect men. Just 60 bucks. When you use code weirdo at checkout, liberate your lower limbs with the one and only perfect gene. Go to theperfectgene nyc. That's theperfect j e a n nyc and use code weirdo at checkout for 25% off. No fooling. You ever see me on tv or on stage or anywhere wearing jeans, it's the perfect jean. I absolutely love them. Give them a try and show your support of the show. Also, last little Pete's pick here. This is my Apollo Neuro, the product that has probably changed my life for the better the most in the past few years. We've given away so many of these as gifts and we absolutely swear by them as a family. Both Val and I love our Apollo Neuro. For those of you who aren't watching the video, I'm pointing to this little device on the inside of my wrist. It looks like a watch. It's not a watch. It is a wearable piece of tech that helps your body recover from stress. Basically, it is a wearable hug for your nervous system that uses touch therapy to help you feel safe and in control. What does that mean? It basically right now it's on clear and focused, which is one of my favorite settings. It's using an almost sub perceptual vibration to speak to my nervous system and in a language of touch that it can understand to help me focus as I'm working. I'm doing a little work here. I'm doing these intros here so I want to be in a clear and focused state. So that is the setting. There's so many settings, but it's like finding the fuse box to your nervous system that Apollo can help with. It can help you relax, can help you sleep, it can help you focus and be more productive. Worn on the wrist or the ankle, Val wears hers on her ankle. Apollo Neuro delivers gentle, soothing vibrations that train your nervous system to recover and rebalance after stress. It is not a woo woo or new age thing. It is developed by a board certified psychiatrist and a neuroscientist, both of whom have been studying the impacts of chronic stress in humans for nearly 15 years. And the more you use it, the better it works. This is a chemical meaning it's not caffeine free way of getting your energy up. I often use it when I'm driving. If I ever start feeling a little dozy when I'm driving, I just hit the buttons on my Neuro, hit the energy setting and it perks me right up. Social and open. Great for parties. Great for the podcasts. In fact, as I'm talking with May in this episode, it's definitely on social and open. It's also a chemical free way of lulling yourself to sleep that absolutely works. Not only does it work if I if you're like me and you're in your 40s and you get up to pee in the middle of the night, you can rerun that program and it lulls you back, back to sleep, which is so, so helpful to have something to quiet your mind and ease your body back into restful sleep just by something that you're wearing. Absolutely incredible. Apollo's effects on stress, sleep, cognitive performance and recovery have been proven in multiple clinical trials and real world studies. So again, this is not a crystal. This is not something that you'd buy in a lava lamp store. This is science. And it's so wonderful that we have it on our side to help us cope with stress. And you can get 10% off and show your support of the show by going to ApolloNeuro.com weird. That's a P O L L O N E U R-O.com weird. Show your body some support. Show your nervous system some support and show some support and love for this show. It means a lot. All right, everybody, this is we made it weird number 128. The Great Highway. The Great highway in Boston.

[B]

And 128 is kind of a significant number because we got married on 1028. So you just squeeze out that zero and it's a romantic number.

[A]

All right, everybody, thanks for being here.

[B]

Get into it.

[A]

Dessert.

[B]

Dessert.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

You know what? You're right. Tell me that isn't as loud as.

[A]

I. Oh, it's because.

[B]

Yeah. You got the headphones.

[A]

You got the headphones.

[B]

You got the headphones.

[A]

You got the headphones with the ball.

[B]

The bang. The bang. Bigga. Bigger bungle.

[A]

Have we already talked about how that beautiful time in the late 90s when we just couldn't get enough of old ladies rapping?

[B]

Oh my gosh. I know.

[A]

The Wedding Singer.

[B]

I know. I've been wanting to rewatch the Wedding Singer. It's one of my all time favorite movies. But I haven't watched it in probably a good.

[A]

If I were writing a character description of you in a movie, I'd say 34, just recently.

[B]

I'm a beanie. Oh, I'm a baby.

[A]

And your favorite movie? I actually think one of my favorite. This is a weird and modern thing to say, meaning wouldn't make sense before. When did the Wedding Singer come out?

[B]

Probably like 98, 97.

[A]

98, 99, I bet.

[B]

Okay, sure.

[A]

Because I saw it in college. I saw my freshman year of college.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With Tim Erickson. I've talked about. I. Don't stop me if you've heard this one.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Tim Erickson.

[B]

Stop.

[A]

By the way, this Is a day episode. But I'm feeling nights.

[B]

Are you. Because I actually am noticing that. I feel completely great.

[A]

You be the Pete.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Can I say.

[B]

Couldn't think of anything to interrupt you.

[A]

Oh, this is me. It's like when I was doing my Ray Romano name drop when I was doing my Ray Romano impression, and Ray Romano walked in and he goes, oh, my poor wife. Oh, that's how I feel as you do the impression of me. I'm like, oh, poor you.

[B]

No, I knew what I was signing up for.

[A]

No, I know. Actually, in defense of me, Even though I'm feeling a little nights. It's like noon. It is noon on Friday.

[B]

Tis noon.

[A]

And I. I'm feeling just a little depleted for re reasons we can get into. Not even bad. Not even bad. Just a little spent. Just a tease. I did this audition this morning, and I was shocked at how much I left on the court. Yeah, I did this.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Pretty simple. But it was like a monologue. It was like a long.

[B]

And it was emotional.

[A]

Emotional. Long monologue.

[B]

Emotional, please.

[A]

But that's not. Never gonna. Never gonna give you. But I turned it off, and I was just like, the considerations, the weight. Heavy lies the crown. No, no, not really. Heavy lies the CR. Crown. But everybody wears their own crown.

[B]

Sure, we all got crowns.

[A]

You should see a crown. Yeah, we do. We have crowns over scalps.

[B]

We all got crowns under our hair and.

[A]

And crabs on our balls.

[B]

That one might just be okay.

[A]

That one there might just be you. Sip of coffee. I wanted to say, like, I actually like Pete. I love Pete, but I like Pete. One of the things I've noticed, I've been doing, like, other things, Working with other people, watching other people who do what I do, Whether it be podcasting or standup, it doesn't matter. And everybody has their own way. But I really. And I could be wrong. Think that Pete's way is good. Here's what I mean. I was doing. This was months ago, and I did a podcast, and I just noticed that the person wasn't like, when we do this podcast. I got Machoff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cough. I do.

[B]

For clarification. Cough.

[A]

Cough. I got my coffee. I drink my magic mind. Always 15 minutes before we do this. Look, not everybody has to do my things, but I appreciate when people who are in performance have things.

[B]

Sure. I think rituals.

[A]

It's not even a. Yeah, a ritual. Maybe ritual sounds like you're, like, imbuing it with meaning. I actually want things that actually work, Whether they be exercise or meditation or fresh air or Breath work. These are obviously all mine. Magic mind is a huge thing for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like my special coffee is sort of like, you know, it's a Slap Dash handy in the back of a 7 11. You know what I mean? But magic mind is. You're like, ooh, I'll kiss the princess.

[B]

Once on her golden lips. Save the rest for marriage.

[A]

Little does she know what I've been doing in the back of a 711 when the slap Dash handies.

[B]

That explains the crabs in your balls.

[A]

That you are me today. Thank you. I could use a day off. Look at you. You're being Petey pants. And I'll be sweet Lady Val. I'll be sweet Lady Val. I'll be sweet Lady Val. You know how it goes up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To show that it's over.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Which again, don't get me started, is how you tell an audience of mammals. Not robots. Mammals that have vocal cords that know that it's harder to sing high. I know. It sounds like I'm stoned.

[B]

No.

[A]

But you go say, let him out. And you're like, well, it can't. This has to be the end. I know.

[B]

I'm just laughing.

[A]

All animals know that's the end because they can't keep that up.

[B]

I forgot my theory that you have this theory.

[A]

Long notes.

[B]

I guess what I love most is not that I forgot, but that you are still holding on to this theory. Like, this is a real golden nugget.

[A]

And you're a mean one. Has a different. When you hear someone with a really deep voice, like we did in Hadestown, he's like, I'm going to take you down.

[B]

That guy was so cool.

[A]

We love it. But you're kind of like, well, that's just how he was born. Like, he's just. This is just born with, like, balls. Like a grandfather clock. Like, he's got those deep danglers.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And therefore he's like, hello, I'm here for my hot. But when someone trains to be like. Like really gets it, it's more impressive. A high note. More impressive.

[B]

We like a. A big range. That's what you want. Like somebody who can go very low and then go really high.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. Like the person who sang both parts of A Whole New World. Do you remember that?

[B]

No. That was a viral vid.

[A]

You didn't see it, I bet.

[B]

It's my favorite thing.

[A]

I mean, do you know we don't normally do this on the show, but I'm gonna do it.

[B]

Listener. Do you know That I cannot. My favorite thing in the world is videos of extraordinary singing. And if it's like a gospel, well.

[A]

This kid's about to blow your nuts off.

[B]

So go ahead and send those videos in my DMs, because it makes me cry. It makes me.

[A]

Oh, this is gonna make you emoji. Sorry. I know this isn't typically what we do, but we're gonna get back to my high low note theory. And also leaving it all in the court for that. I also want to talk about how your brain can simulate two senses. Okay, here we go. This is. This is Nick Pitera. I'm sure everyone's heard this, but we're gonna listen to it again. Hi, I'm Nick Pitera, and I'm gonna.

[B]

Sing A Whole New World from Disney's Aladdin.

[A]

Yeah, you're gonna sing both parts. Nick, don't bury the lead.

[B]

I love that you're putting the microphone at his mouth.

[A]

Okay, here it goes. Shining, shimmering, splendid Tell me, princess, now.

[B]

When did you last let you. I could tell by his face he'd be good at this kind of singing. Yeah, it.

[A]

Right. Okay, I'm gonna come on your mic. He's just got it. It's not someone who should be singing high that is singing low. He's got a great low voice. He's got a, like. What is this called? A baritone?

[B]

This is probably a tenor. Yeah. Wow. Whoa. But when I'm way up here. Crystal clear. Yeah. That's incredible feeling. He's, like, better at that one.

[A]

I know. Okay, we got it.

[B]

Don't you dare close.

[A]

No, everybody loves that part. We were singing it on set list last week, and it reminded me of old Nick Patera. I love that.

[B]

It's so good what's going on there. Also, we won't watch it, but if.

[A]

You look up, it can't just be us watching stuff. I got the chili billies.

[B]

Very good. It's very good. Chill.

[A]

Billy Phillies.

[B]

Yeah. There's a video of a kid in, like, a talent show doing.

[A]

Is this talent show. You. You are me today. You love my. My things.

[B]

I always love.

[A]

I know, but you love that extra but.

[B]

Well, it's because I taught a dance class today.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then it was sunny.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

It hasn't been sunny.

[A]

No, I know.

[B]

And I got this feeling like I felt like it was summer, like always. So around October, end of September, it's, like, a little bit early. I will get the feeling of winter, and I'll start to get excited about winter and Christmas and this is March. And it's like the first sunny day in March. It feels like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, holy summer's coming, baby. And I was listening to Vampire Weekend on the drive home.

[A]

Yeah. And I'm just like, see, I didn't finish my point. You are like, you want. In my opinion, you should be male or female married to someone who loves the movie the Wedding Singer.

[B]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[A]

It's just the most hopeful and optimistic and like, romancy. And it can make me a little. Because Tim Erickson and I went and saw that movie and then he got engaged like a week later.

[B]

And you think it had to do with.

[A]

I would. If I ever see the beloved Tim Erickson ever again, I'd be like, tim, what percentage of your choice to get engaged was the wedding singer? And if he said anything below 80%, I would be like, I think you need to rethink that. Well, they didn't end up getting married.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And that sort of fits in the story. And it fits in the story.

[B]

It also sort of fits in the Wedding Singer.

[A]

That's what I mean. It's wedding singery.

[B]

Y.

[A]

Like, you can't just do it with anybody. You gotta find your Drew Barrymore.

[B]

Your Drew Barrymore. Well, I would say that that movie is also some, like, some piece of the pie for why I got married the first time and maybe even the second time. Because.

[A]

Can I just say real quick, you first.

[B]

I was just gonna say I was. I am such a romantic person. Like, embarrassingly so.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And when I was a teenager, all I did was watch movies like that and like, pine. Like crisp pine for love. Like that. And I want to grow old with you. Was in my first wedding.

[A]

Yeah. We've talked about this.

[B]

And we changed the line for instead of put you to bed when you've had too much to drink, my friend Jorgen sang it and he changed it to we can play checkers and I'll let you cheat. Which is very cute and very in line with the song channeled the voice he did.

[A]

Adam Sand.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I am scapegoating Tim Erickson.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because it was me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How could. How could I be so sure? Except that I know that I watched the Wedding Singer. There's also something about being a sweet boy and having someone recognize that before it's too late. Before you're like, grizzled and ruined. You almost want to get married young before you're fucking ruined.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like, let's get two non jaded things together.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I have Friends that Kurt and Matia that have been together since they were 23. Whatever. I'm not saying that's like the best. I'm just saying it didn't work for me. But it did work for them.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And they. They locked in like a certain. You can't keep it. Obviously you end up losing your innocence with.

[B]

From each other. Yeah, from each other. Well, I mean, just like you're. You're. That person is sometimes inciting your loss.

[A]

Of innocence to my point about high notes, low notes. That video not even nearly as fun if he starts with Jasmine.

[B]

Oh, sure.

[A]

That's my point.

[B]

That's the reveal.

[A]

And it's not just because of his gender. If it was a woman singing it, which it very well could have been singing, you gotta start low because people go like, yeah, we talk low.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you go. And we're like, whoa. Well, my taking all these muscles and all this air control.

[B]

You know my favorite.

[A]

I get all excited.

[B]

My favorite video, I can't find it again because. Well, I could ask my brother. I don't remember the person's name. I don't remember any of the keywords. But my brother showed it to me and I couldn't stop watching it. It's a woman who was on America's Got Talent, I believe, and she. It's her just singing, like, in a gospel. Like, you. You get a sense that it's like choir practice, but it' or it hasn't started yet. And there's somebody playing the piano and she's just singing like she's singing an actual song, but she's singing it so, like, flourished and all over the map. And she goes to, like, the ends of her range of the octaves of the song. And she's singing like, incredibly high and loud and. And like her eyes are closed. She's just so in the moment, just completely improvising, doing her own thing. And there's people in the background, like, listening to her and they clearly know that she can sing the best of anybody I've ever heard. And then she's like doing that and going really high the whole time and loud and passionate and beautiful. And then she kind of stops for a second. Her eyes are closed. And then she's like in Go. And the woman in the background goes, oh, you better stop. And it's my favorite. I can't even explain the feeling it gives me in my heart.

[A]

It's like really low.

[B]

Like, she just goes real, like, like. And it's not like she's showing off you get. That's what's so beautiful about it, is that she is completely swept up in pure creativity.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's like in that moment, for the listener, you're like, oh, and by the way, she can go as low as a pasta as a person can and still sound good. It's so good. It makes me so happy. I'm sorry. I can't even recomm it because I don't know any of the keywords, but somebody might know what I'm talking about. Woman singing Woman singing by piano Gospel. Maybe America's Got Talent. Maybe X Factor.

[A]

It was on America's Got Talent. I thought she was playing by herself.

[B]

No, she was. Later or before. A contestant on America's Got Talent. I follow her on Instagram, but again, I can't remember her name.

[A]

So this is. I found this uniquely frustrating. Let us down. It's totally fine. But I feel like I'm in a restaurant looking for the bathroom, and I just found a hallway that goes nowhere.

[B]

I'm so sorry.

[A]

I'm not mad about it.

[B]

I thought I would maybe be able to do a good enough job of explaining it.

[A]

Can I stop you there?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have been getting a couple flights to LAX and then driving to where we live, which is about 2 hours away from LAX. As such, I've been getting rides from lovely drivers and spending two hours with them. And one of them. Bless. That sounds condescending. I really do mean it. Like, bless his heart. Was just such a comedy fan and a sweetheart and. But then, like, talking to him, I'm not even putting him down. Made me appreciate how you have these really, really great instincts. This sounds so mean to this guy.

[B]

No, I'm just. You're like, you've told me this, so you're.

[A]

I'm complimenting you.

[B]

Yeah, but you're complimenting me. Like, you usually don't tell stories like that.

[A]

That's not what I'm saying. I'm actually saying you acknowledge that you. I know. I'm kind of telling you nothing about nobody. It was not everything everywhere, all at once. It was nothing, nowhere.

[B]

Never, never. Not once.

[A]

Which swept the Oscars, becomes that sort of show I wanted to talk a little bit about. We were starting to talk about it off microphone.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So I had that audition, and it really sort of uncovered as much as I like to be so together, and I do. I really enjoy how, like, I've spent 40, almost 44 years now gluing myself together and feeling solid, and that's a nice Feeling you feel like a grown up in the world. I don't overreact much. I don't lose my temper or my cool or. I don't. It's nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I feel sort of in control. It gives this perception that I am like a solid thing. And I like that. And then, like, I'll do an audition and it's funny, this audition came through while I was shooting something. So, like, we had a little downtime and me and my friend Romy went into my trailer and we filmed it. One take didn't really put any thought into it. I was just like, look, I've cast things before. They'll see me. They'll see me say a line. If they want me to say it differently, they know I can say it differently. Like, it was. It was pure confidence. It was also pure flow. It was like a snowball rolling down a mountain. Already acting all day. I was like, oh, let's just do this scene real fast. Like in rhythm, you know, like a basketball player in rhythm.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what that means? It means if you hit a couple shots. Yeah. You're so much more likely to make the next shot because you're in rhythm. I said that because I was like, do you know that? I know what that means. So that, like.

[B]

Is that a used phrase?

[A]

Yeah, I think so.

[B]

It's like in the pocket for.

[A]

Well, yeah. Don't pass it to him, he's in rhythm. Or pass it to him, he's in rhythm. I think you would say, okay, I've heard once or twice.

[B]

I didn't know that. But I use context clues and I'm really smart.

[A]

You are unlike that driver. I'm just kidding. He was very smart. I just appreciated how you know when to cut and run.

[B]

Generally.

[A]

Well, not. I take it for granted that most people I know do. But you're not a comedian. I really like that. You know, you have really good instincts. To be like, that was nothing. Or that, or I need to spice this up. I should make a silly joke or something. Anyway, he was just relaying a lot of information.

[B]

Yeah, some people just talk.

[A]

Relay information.

[B]

Yeah, they're just saying information.

[A]

And I need attitude, I need opinion.

[B]

Yeah, you need like essence, style, all of that.

[A]

I also need observation. Like, I need you to notice what I'm responding to. And like, cater, follow that lead. Don't fall. Like, I kind of clammed up when you started getting weird about this. But maybe I liked it more when you talked about this. Yeah.

[B]

You want real time presence tuning and improvising.

[A]

Made me appreciate you. But anyway, so when I. I'm talking about being solid and when I did the. The tape, I was also doing with a human person. Then you have the callback and now the callback. I hate it. I just hate every. I almost hate everything about it. It's great when you get the email that you get the callback, but then immediately you start going like, oh, well, this is real. Like, it just became like. It would be one thing if they were like, they want you for the part. That would have been great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then they're like, they want you to come closer to the door. You know what I mean? The door's still locked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I liked when I could see the door and I'm just a guy in the parking lot and I'm like, what this bullshit?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I throw it at them.

[B]

You're twirling your keys on the ring, you know.

[A]

Yes. I'm key twirling. I'm flicking lit cigarettes. I'm eating a hoagie salami's falling out of it. I'm on a roller skate and a skateboard. Like, I'm just like, I'm not. Even the fact that I shot it, like, in my trailer was so indicative. Like, I'm. I'm up to other things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now I'm just nervous at their time, their choosing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I couldn't do. Like, I did that video when I felt like it. Now it's at 10:30am Now. Come do it when we. Which goes back to what I like about Pete. Pete has his things, right. He gets in the zone, but I was trying to get in the zone. You just can't. You start. You start thinking about it, like, how cool it would be to get it, how good you could do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And how can you do it? And I just wasn't like, I did a good job, but I wasn't feeling, like, effortless, so I did it. And again, I told you. I was like, it's not that I. Again, I did well, but there's just such a vulnerability hangover that. Hangover.

[B]

Hangover.

[A]

$4.50. I told you about the German guy. You can go to Thai town, get pad Thai for $4.50. It's like, what favorite? $4.50. Great deal. Spring roll for 2ft. 2.50. $2,50. Anyway, to get to the point, the deepest level of it, because nobody cares about my dumb. Well, maybe hopefully you do a little bit. But I was like, if I get it, I'm good. If I don't I'm bad. And I suddenly the solid thing and.

[B]

Not just, like, good at acting or bad at acting. Like a good. Like a good person. Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, whoa.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No wonder I'm so drawn to spirituality. So much of, like, what I'm studying in a course in miracles right now is really. It's in a really sweet spot where it's really just emphasizing like, you are. You're. What's the word? It's not that you're a fool. It's like you've been misled if you think you can be hurt by this world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You are resting safely in the mind of God. That's like this beautiful line that you're just like, they don't. And this is one of the things I love about the course. It's like, it doesn't mean later. It means right now in reality, actually. If you could remove all the impediments, you would recognize that you are resting safely in the mind of God. I love that stuff. Because the fact of the matter is, no matter how I can have global entry at the airport, I can have magic mind and get my energy up. I'm not plugging the thing. I'm saying I can have all these things that give me the feeling that I'm in control. I do an audition, I do well, and I still go, like, if I don't get it, I don't deserve life, love. Whoa. Like, a really strange glimpse at how vulnerable I think I am.

[B]

That's right. And it is. I mean, it's all the ego. And the ego really is one of those, like, for all of us, one of those, like, dudes that appears very confident, but is actually the most fragile person.

[A]

Can I get an Amy? You're hearing me so perfectly.

[B]

We have all we. And we all have that voice, you know, And. And for me, I can really relate to this feeling because that's how I feel about people liking me or being upset with me. So if somebody is upset with me, if one person who absolutely loves me, by the way, is momentarily upset with me, I'm bad. That was all it took. I'm bad now. And I don't deserve love. And. But it's not I don't deserve love. It's more like I don't exist. I'm not real. I'm not here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've disappeared.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I think yours. Exile, and I think that yours might be this. You know, we've talked about the trauma of I exist, not maybe not being met in, like, early years for whatever Reason.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so that's your, that's your. The wound from which your beautiful ambition comes from.

[A]

Well I was saying it. The ambition also comes from. It's such an intolerable feeling that I'm like, I'm gonna try and make it so I don't fail as much as possible.

[B]

That's right. That wound is intolerable. So you have built such a beautiful like I'm picturing like a water world kind of love like level of like wooden rope machinery, you know, like a perfect pulley system.

[A]

Steampunk, but wood.

[B]

Yes, exactly. A very intricate machine to keep yourself from feeling that as much as possible. But you, no matter what. And you were mentioning that the bar, you know, this is something that we talk about that other people talk about. But it's really shown in, in show business that the bar is always moving. So things that you would have been just blown away by in your early years of stand up opportunities that you have don't feel like as much and now the bar is moved to this thing that you're not getting. And that's because the fundamental wound that.

[A]

Wasn'T fixed isn't fixed. This is why Freud, by the way, just listening to this, Freud said that Marxism, which I'm not an expert on, but he was like, Marxism makes perfect sense. He's like, but it won't work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He goes, because it doesn't address the fundamental cause. It addresses the effects, greed, whatever the other things are. I know it's a big economic thing, so I'll just say greed, selfishness, but it doesn't address the cause of those effects. And that's what psychotherapy was attempting at. So spirituality is certainly going at right. Is like, can we get at the cause of these things?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which the course in miracles would say. My. I'm not upset because I don't, I didn't do, I didn't like nail the audition in the sense that like I know I did because no one was in the room. Everyone's on mute. You do it, they come back, they go, good job. And you just feel like, you feel like a schmuck. You're just going to thanks and you leave. You don't even walk away. You just close a laptop and you sit there and I put my head in my hands and I'm just like, what is this? They would, the course would say, I'm not upset for the reason I think I am. It's not the audition. It's that I think I, I'm being rejected by love itself. And I deserve to be found out on some deep level, like, I'm guilty and I'm wrong and I'm broken and these people will see. This is why when I hear about, like, I always go to Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman said late in his career when he did Royal Tenenbaums, he was like, you know, I thought I was never gonna work again. He had been doing movies every year.

[B]

Right.

[A]

For the past 40 years.

[B]

Wow. Yeah.

[A]

And then he got Royal Tenenbaums. Not like there was a three year hiatus. He got it. He's like, you know, I thought I was never gonna work again.

[B]

Yeah. Paul Bettany said something really similar. He's like, every time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A job ends, you think, that's it, I'm done.

[A]

And I think that. So maybe keeping it closer to Freud goes back to like an original wound. Like, I've left my mother, I've left my family. I've, like, broken away. I'm split, I'm incomplete. We look for it in romantic relationships. We look for it in the workplace. We look for it in achievement. We look for it in expression, validation, recognition. And like, at the end of the day, you're holding like 75 things that don't fill the hole perfectly.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And. And you really need something that goes like, there is no hole. It helps you get to an experiential knowing that. That that's wrong. Like.

[B]

Yeah. That you're not broken and you didn't.

[A]

Break away from anything. You're. You. You rest safely in the mind of God or you rest comfortably in existence or whatever you want to say.

[B]

Absolutely. And even just keeping it on like a psych psychology level, my understanding, I'm. My understanding of this is rudimentary, so forgive me if I don't have this. Totally accurate, but it's like we had like Freud and psychoanalysis and then at some point in the 70s, ish, I think, is when it started moving on to like attachment theory stuff, which is more that our relationships, and especially our relationships in the early years really are what create that core wound or these holes that we have to fill.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because they're how we understand the world. So from that perspective, it's like I can get to the root of this thing and instead of trying to change it with external circumstances, I can get to the root of it and give myself what I wasn't getting. The love or the attention or the understanding or the space to feel my feelings.

[A]

It's very similar. Sorry.

[B]

Just that I can. That I can give myself that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I'm. I so. And. And then there is the. An acknowledgement of the whole. But it's also like a knowing that you're not broken and there is no problem because you. You have everything you need and you.

[A]

Get it by giving it to yourself.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

And the reason why that's not just like deluding yourself or putting your fingers in your ear and shouting mantras like, I'm good, I'm great, I'm wonderful. Is that all the other things you were told or feel? I'm broken, I'm ashamed, I'm incomplete, I need this audition, or I'm not enough. Those were also learned behaviors.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Those going back to the wedding singer. Those were feelings you got after you lost your innocence and after you were. And some people lose it right away. I'm acknowledging that. But like, most people have a phase where they're like more in the kingdom of God. They're a little bit more untarnished or just not yet abused, not yet broken, or whatever it may be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're not just shouting down negative thoughts with positive ones. You're reminding yourself of positive ones because that's the foundation on which you're built. I mean, that's who you are. When all the voices go away, nobody. When all the voices go away, the low bass hum of their existence. Nobody's low bass hum is made out of death metal. Everyone's low bass hum is made out of Enya.

[B]

Yes, that's right.

[A]

The worst, to take your pick. The worst person in the world. If we could settle them completely down, make them safe and. And, you know, it might take lots of different things for certain minds, but, like, you know, it's interesting. I was shooting in Toronto this past week and I did Ethan Supleece podcast. I was a guest on his and I was talking about how I was in the danger zone. Because when every day is very similar. That's my danger zone. And I'll start to eat for entertainment.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I did. I'm not. It's. It's important for me to say this. I'm not upset about this, but I did buy a vape pen because I was just like, this is. This is too much.

[B]

Yeah, I need a vice.

[A]

I need something.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Remember I did nicotine gum one time too, and yeah, actually we already went on how I. I think that was a bad idea. So I got myself an indica vape pen. And I was talking about you with Ethan. I was like, it's such an Interesting clue to the universe that it works. And then the next day you go back and you're like, yeah. Oh, yes.

[B]

Like balance. It's that balance.

[A]

It's life telling you how it works.

[B]

Yes, that's right. And you know what it's like going like.

[A]

Because just in case. I know. You know what I mean? But the first night I smoked it, and it was one of the best stones of my life. I wasn't even that stoned. But as soon as I hit it, I'm in this room that I really had come to not dread, but I didn't love it. Just this sort of like sad extended stay. Not sad, but it had become monotonous and familiar. And I took a toot of this pen and within minutes I was looking around the room and I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. It was almost like taking a psychedelic because I hadn't smoked weed in a very long time. I was looking around the room and I just was just like, look at this lamp. Like, like cliche stuff. Look at the light. I. I hadn't noticed that. It was like an odd shape. It's almost like a sharp rhombus shape. I had this weird corner rhombus shape. And I was just like overwhelmed with how it was protecting me. Like it was keeping the cold out and the. And the sea.

[B]

That's like Eckhart Tolle's thing of, like, what. When the morning he woke up enlightened, essentially, he saw the light pouring in the window. I was just thinking it was love.

[A]

So much more than light. It was love. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, this is. This isn't. What.

[B]

What was that?

[A]

What was what?

[B]

Oh, I heard like a conk. You didn't hear that?

[A]

No, but I got the. My headphones on.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Sorry. I think the bird hit the window.

[A]

That's always a bummer.

[B]

Always happens.

[A]

Always a bummer. She just put stickers. Dead birds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Any whole. Real quick. Well, I'll get into the revelation I had after because we have to go to the mid rolls here.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

And I think there's just one mid roll. So we'll be back in 60 seconds. But I want to tell the story. I'm forgetting a little bit of how I. Oh. What I was saying was to stick the landing when you can get the. The quote unquote worst person down to that level. And what I. The reason I mentioned weed was sometimes when I'm on drugs, I'll go to a place where I'm like, oh, I'M good.

[B]

Yeah, like I'm good.

[A]

And you'll think of something you need to do. And almost like someone on their deathbed, you're like, what?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, that's so important.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So serious.

[A]

You think you need to do that and then you'll be okay because there's always another that.

[B]

But I. Exactly. And I do want to. We can do it after the mid rolls if you want, but I just want to stay with the balance. So you just to.

[A]

Oh yeah. Then the next night. Yeah, the next night I couldn't wait to get off work. Went back to my room, sat in the same spot. I also the first night wrote a letter to myself. It was just encouraging me to work on something that it was like, I don't know if you're afraid of working on this, but I don't think you have to be afraid. I think it's beautiful. And it was just very lovey and also very self referential. It was like hey Pete, we're stoned. Haha. And I was like, this is such a me way to start. And it was very fun, cute and I love you. And it was just. And the keys felt so good on my fingertips. Next night, smoke sitting there and it. And it shows up. You know, it's like that. It's like when in Star wars when ships stop doing warp speed and they're, they're there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When it shows up like that, warp speed, you just go, oh, it's not the same. It's three, three out of ten. Last night was ten out of ten. Now we're at three out of ten. And then if you're like me, you're like well I'll just smoke more. It just doesn't, it never gets you there.

[B]

Right. Because it's an external thing but also I think because we aren't meant to stay there. And it. And this is what. So my. I had therapy yesterday or two days ago or whatever and I was saying right before therapy I went to a yin yoga class which is so delicious. I mean it really feels like dessert for my body. It's all restorative. It's a restorative yoga class and it's all just like gorgeous like restorative poses held for like 10 minutes. And it's quiet and the woman is so good who teaches it. And, and I had a moment in that class where I was like, oh, and this is so common for me. It's a tale as old as time. So I'm sure I've talked about it ad nauseam. On the pod. But it's this experience of like, getting in my body. Pod, nauseam, Adpod. And see. Of getting in my body and being like, whoa. Oh my gosh. I've been in my head for however long, like days, weeks, I have not been in my body. And it starts to just feel so present and good. And I feel at ease in a way that I hadn't in a while. And then my body usually goes, and now you're seated. The show starts in five minutes. And the curtain rolls and it's like, and this feeling and this feeling and poof. And this. And I'm like, whoa. Okay. So it's like.

[A]

What feelings?

[B]

Just big. Usually I can't. If I'm really tapped into my body and not in my mind, a good indicator of that is that I can't even identify what the feelings are. It's just huge ways. Feelings of sensation. So I don't know if it's anxiety or sadness or anger or whatever. It's just big sensations. And I was like, wow. I don't even have any guess of where this is coming from. I mean, I can think of, like, the stressful things that I've experienced in the last couple weeks. And maybe it's that, but it doesn't matter. That's actually kind of a step backwards. I can just keep it deconstructed this way and let it released out of my body. And then it's like every. It's almost like it's like my heart is like a egg. And every wave of emotion is like sort of tossing that egg and cracking it a little bit more. A little bit more. And then by the time the waves of emotion have kind of revealed themselves and dissipated. Yeah. My heart is just cracked wide open. And then that's it. Like, that's that sweet spot for me.

[A]

Where I'm like, that's your Enya.

[B]

That's my Enya. Exactly. And so it was just even more confirmation that it's like, through the body, through the heart. But the main thing that I wanted to convey here is that inevitably I get to stay in the Enya space for a minute. And then my brain comes back in and is like, why can't we be here forever? That's this. What. What kind of up system is this?

[A]

Why?

[B]

What's wrong with you that you can't stay here? You forgot? And it's like, it's so funny. My therapist and I were laughing at, like, your brain keeps you from that.

[A]

Space and it wants.

[B]

But then as soon as you get There. It's like, yeah, no, like, I was like, it's like it's chewing gumming. Like, I already knew that. Yeah, no, I already knew that. Like, it's like claiming that space, too. It's how it's getting back control. So the. The. Just the ultimate. Like, it takes such a surrender to be like, I don't have to know why, but this is the pulsation of the universe. I remember, I forget. I remember, I forget. I breathe in, I breathe out. The tides roll in. They roll out. Like, everything is in and out and in and out. And I could spend time philosophizing or intellectualizing why it would be that way, who designed it that way, what's fucked up about that? But that just brings me back into my brain and makes me lose contact with my body in the present. But if I just open to it and go, like, here we are. This is it. I forgot. And Jack Kornfield has a really great thing about that where he's like, the difference between somebody who just started practicing and somebody who's been practicing for 40 years is not that they don't get caught, but basically how kind they are when they do, when they realize. So it's like, oh, I got really caught in that one.

[A]

That's. It's exactly what I was just thinking now. And as always, this podcast is helping me and making me feel better because I'm like. I do. I'm not completely in the mire, but I noticed that there's, like, a course in miracle says you have to look at things from above the battlefield. You want to, like, come above it and look down at it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And observe it. That sort of thing. And, you know, it's tempting to want to just have good feeling all time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Good feeling all the time.

[B]

Good.

[A]

And think that that's what I have to think that that's your phone. My phone. Eckhart Tolle. Is it? I got the audition.

[B]

Answer it.

[A]

That's. Oh, God. As I'm talking about Eckhart Tolle, and.

[B]

I'm like, did I get it, by the way, after the minerals, I want to tell you my own version of exactly this sort of obsession so you don't feel alone.

[A]

I think that he does feel his. All the feelings, and I just think there isn't so much of a. Like, well, then I'm not what I thought I was. I think it's totally possible to just go like, this is what it is to be a human. I'm not gonna always feel fantastic. And in fact, all of this analysis and all of this discussion of, like, where the origination of this stuff is also in aid of recognizing that it's not me. It puts a little distance. I'm like, there goes Pete. Of course, Pete thought that if he was special, he could break away from things that were uncomfortable, and he could. But then, like, you know, you think it's chasing you. It's like, again, I'm a little scattered, but it's like that idea that you. You jailbroke, but you also feel like something is chasing you.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Like, that's gonna get you.

[B]

Absolutely. And I. And I think we, like, like, every part of us. You can offer compassion to that part and be like, of course. This is the intricate, steampunk pulley system that you built that probably did serve you. That definitely did serve you. It got you out of your situation, and now it's just revealing that it's not actually the savior that you thought it was.

[A]

That's right. And then I come up with these. Like, last week, we were talking about the zoo. It's like, turns out all of life is eating things and trying not to get eaten. And, like, right now, I'm trying to eat things and not get eaten at the same time.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I think I hate it. But really, when I'm an old man, I'll be like. I'll be like, oh, wow. Remember that feeling, like, risking it all.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

With a brandy.

[B]

And we want it again. It's the drama. Yes. It's Leela. It's the drama of life. It's like, what we crave and. And what our egos crave. But I don't. I'm even hesitant to put it that way, because then I feel like that makes it in the spiritual world, like, wrong. Like, it's bad because it's your ego, so don't pay attention to it. I think we can enjoy every part of the buffalo and just recognize it. Just don't give it so much weight. And notice when we're so swept up in it and being like, is this really serving me? Like, my therapist just said, whenever the word should comes up, that's. That's an indicator that you're in your mind and not in your body. Because should is a word that only the brain uses. She's like, instead. You could say instead of like, I should meditate or, I shouldn't feel this way, you know, I should meditate. Let's stick with that one. You could say, I could meditate. How does that feel? Does that feel right? Right now? You know just like the possibilities. But I wanted to talk about the more about that chasing thing when we get come back from the mid rolls.

[A]

And I'll share my. I actually think, you know, I can be hard on weed with myself using it. But also every once in a while I have something where I'm like that's pretty interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'll share that and you can share your thing when we are back in one minute, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by a very new Pete's pick. This is the first mention of lmnt. I'm saying it slowly. It's called element because I heard about it from Dr. Huberman. I was watching a YouTube video of his talking about hydration and he kept talking about an important part of his morning routine was putting element in his water to make sure he was getting hydrated, getting that boost of energy. And of course, you know, I'm super interested in everything that can help cognitive performance. So he kept saying I put element in my water, but I couldn't find it when I searched it. It's because it's lmnt. It's spelled L, the letter L, M N T. And it is electrolytes and pretty much nothing else, meaning no sugar, no carbs, nothing nasty or artificial. But it tastes incredible. And what does it do? It helps you hydrate because healthy hydration isn't just about drinking water. 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I still drink a lot of water. I just make sure I'm getting enough electrolytes with it. So give it a try and get into it. I'm also, as you can tell, I'm not at home, I'm on the road, I'm in Toronto as I mentioned. And of course I have my element with me. I got, got my perfect jeans over there. I'm wearing my Apollo. These are all the things I travel with. And this one here is my next Evo Naturals. This is their stress CBD complex. It is a hemp extract and ashwagandha, which is an adaptogen that helps your body naturally recover and cope with stress. The new year is a fresh opportunity to achieve your full potential, but you can't do that. You can't be here. But best if you're stressed. So get ahead of stress this year by experiencing the full potential of CBD with next Evo naturals. 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[B]

We're back.

[A]

Who wants to go first?

[B]

Well, I'll just, I'll go because it's related to what we're talking about. But you know, I shared in the last episode the thing about attachment theory and how what we're attracted to is often what's familiar and what's familiar is often not what's best for us. And, and I think it's all somehow related to this like chasing feeling that we want a problem, we want to be chasing things. And I think that is somehow tied. I'm still like quilting all of these different thoughts together, so forgive me if it's not fully finished, but that is tied to this. Like I feel like you're gonna feel like this is very the course. It's. It's like we don't want some part of us, our ego, our wounded self actually doesn't want the unconditional love of God. We want to have to not have it, earn it by our merits, then win it over to prove that, that we exist.

[A]

And also the course would add to that. You want to suffer for it because you think you've incurred a debt.

[B]

Yeah. You think you have to suffer for it.

[A]

You suffer for the things you've done to him then. And also you want. I think it's something as simple as like, you want to prove you are here and it's not your fault.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the fact that you're not enlightened, you want that to be your parents fault or your church's fault.

[B]

That's interesting.

[A]

You want to have. There's this line in the course that says you'd gladly die if you could say, behold, brother, it's by your hand I die. Like as long as you can blame somebody for it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I heard Ken Wapnick saying that that's why like martyrs would die happily knowing I'm going to heaven and you fuckers are going to hell. You're wrong and I'm right. Maybe that's. That's. I'm sure there are so many gorgeous martyrs that. That does not apply to. But, like, in my own martyring life. Yeah, like, I. I know I'll be like, that guy cut me off. He's wrong. I'm the right driver.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're the right country. We're the right war. We're always right. We're always right. We know this is. It's. This is a tale as old as time. And if you could just get to know the other side, you would understand. Like, you would see how they think they're right.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because we want to be here and it not be our fault. It's someone else's fault. And then to earn. And then to earn and to suffer for our salvation, not just. Not just to be given it.

[B]

Sure. Yeah, I could see that. And I also just think there is a. The ego doesn't. Like, unconditional love is a truth of, like, true nature of the universe, and the ego doesn't exist in that. So the ego doesn't receive unconditional love because it doesn't understand that. Yeah, it understands a meritocracy. I earned this, so I deserve this. And I. And because I worked hard for this, I exist. And then I think there's a psychological component to it where, you know, I have a lot of friends that I feel like whatever they're doing, they. They kind of do it the hardest way possible because they think that they have to do that, for it has to be hard in order to be worthy. Or this. Another form of this is you are interested in somebody until they're interested in you, and then all of a sudden, you lose interest. It's because you can't receive unconditional love. It doesn't go in. You understand, like, I somehow won this. And so I think that there is. It's related to your audition where it's like, you have to prove yourself, and either you get the golden trophy and you're worthy of love, or you don't.

[A]

To one or a zero. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And what you. What that part of you that ego doesn't want to hear is you're loved the same either way. Either way. Because it also means you're loved the same. Even if you get it, you're loved the same as if you didn't.

[A]

It's very frustrating and unsatisfactory and also illogical. It's funny, when you were talking, I got an image of, you know, the course is really big in that this world doesn't work because it's made of ones and zeros. It's made of yes and no. And it's a world of duality. And that means if you have. That means you believe someone has not. And all this sort of stuff, it's. It doesn't reflect the same laws of God, which are always abundant and true and eternal. And here we're like, if I, you know, if I'm sitting in this chair, you're not sitting in this chair. That's. That's one of the things of duality. A bird flies, but it's pushing air down to lift itself up. You know, Like, I'm not saying that's evil. Not saying me sitting in this chair is evil. It's just saying, this is what we're doing. This is what.

[B]

Well, it's the flow. I mean, I look at it as, like, it's the pulsation of the whole thing.

[A]

That's fine.

[B]

In and out. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's certain. I still dabble. Even though the course is. Isn't that gentle. I still dabble in that. Like, look at. Look at the. The harmony of it and the. The gorgeousness of it and the oneness of that system.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But when it comes to unconditional love, it's like the ego tries to understand something like that, and it goes, oh, so it's have. So it's just 1, 1, 1, 1, 1st, 1, 1, 1,1, 1, 1, 1, one, one. And like, that just doesn't work because it always knows a bunch of ones. A zero could come at any moment. Or like, it doesn't even make sense unless there are zeros that don't have that love or something. So it's almost like unconditional love isn't a one or a zero. It's the field on that that those things are written. And what you write on it is actually irrelevant.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And of course, that's very unsatisfying to be.

[B]

That's right, because it also. It's like the motto of the ego almost is. I mean, it could be, I think, therefore I am. But it also is like, I want, therefore I am. So it wants to keep. Keep wanting so that it exists, so that it has to prove itself over and over and over that I exist. And like I was going to say, my version of this is, you know, is like this, okay, I. I wanted you. You loved me unconditionally. And then there's like this compulsion to then get somebody else to love me or you know, which could just be like a. A not romantic thing, but, like, now I need everyone to love me, or now I need this person to wish that I was their wife. You know? And it's like I have everything I need, not only in myself, but in a romantic relationship. And still. And still I'm like. But I need, like, people to have crushes on me. And like, like. And that feels like a step backwards. But you're like, I, I. It's really more that I need to keep wanting.

[A]

We're the cops. One day away from retirement.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's always one more job, and then we'll. One more job and we'll stop robbing banks.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

And that's the ego. Until it drops dead, I'm pretty sure.

[B]

Yeah. And I think, again, to your point, I do think that Eckhart Tolle maybe doesn't have the voice of the ego, but I would say does. And it's just quieter. I think that's.

[A]

Knows what it is.

[B]

If you just recognize.

[A]

Well, that's of course, in miracles too. Is like the ego isn't a thing. It doesn't even really exist. Like, you don't have to be afraid of it. You don't have to be mad at it.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

You just have to gently laugh, recognize.

[B]

It for what it is.

[A]

I've heard Ken say that a Course in Miracles helps you realize that life is. Isn't a tragedy, it's a comedy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because when you realize that nothing is really going on, why are you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What? Why so serious?

[B]

Why so serious?

[A]

Which brings me so. My little revelation.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which I've sort of had before. But it felt very real when I was stoned. But it carried over. It wasn't just like a. Just a stoned thought. Although Bad Lip Sync videos are so funny when I'm stoned.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

They're also when I'm not stoned.

[B]

Very. Yeah.

[A]

They're just great. What's it called? Bad Lip sync.

[B]

Bad Lip reading.

[A]

Bad lip reading.

[B]

Bad lip reading.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, I was trying to think again. The course, first and foremost. Course in miracles, first and foremost is you've never left God. You are a perfect child of God. You're actually one with God. You are made of love. Love made you loving. Patience made you patient. Everything you have, everything you need. And like I said earlier, it's like the thought that you could be hurt is ridiculous. You rest always perfectly in the mind of God. And everything is mind. Yeah, everything is mind. And just like when we Go to sleep and we dream. Reality is a dream. And when we get to the cause of the dream, just like when we dream at night. Why did I dream about running from a monster? Oh, it's because I've been putting off that appointment that I need to make or whatever. In the same way, why are we projecting this dream? The course would say because we think we've hurt God. We think we killed God and broke away from him again. This is just one way to understand it. It doesn't have to be the only way. We've broken away. We shouldn't be. Why are we in a world of duality? That means we killed God, but God's like a zombie and he's going to come and kill us. He's going to require a blood sacrifice. So we're partying while we can. Yeah, exactly. We make ourselves God. We put our names on buildings, we. We drive fancy cars, we eat fancy meals. Because we know at any moment the. The reaper comes and. And takes and ultimately wins.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it kind of leaves us feeling like. So this is sort of pointless, but at least party while we can.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Like be God while you can. Because the real God's coming back and he's. He's pissed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

An angry father pursues his terrified son. These are. None of this is true. But this is what. Why we're having this dream. So that guilt is too unbearable. So you project it as reality so then you can make everyone else the evil person and you're the good person and that helps you cope because the guilt is so unbearable. Which is why the point of the course, even though these metaphysics are pretty weird, is to learn how to forgive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you forgive them, you forgive yourself. When everyone's innocent, you're innocent, and then everyone's innocent and you no longer have that guilt or that here. But I was like, okay, how does that work, though? How. How are we projecting reality? It seems so consistent and insistent that it is. It's real. It's a shared thing. You see it, I see it, all that sort of stuff. And when I was stoned, I was like. I was thinking about, like, Homer Simpson. And even as I say that, we don't pay attention to reality at this level, at least I don't at this pitch. But when I say Homer Simpson, you see him with your eyes open. You're looking at me, but for me it's just over. It's over to your left, just a little translucent Homer Simpson. And when I say a windmill, you see a windmill ever so Briefly, I say Italy. You see the boot shape like you're seeing kitten. So you're thinking in images constantly. So your brain, not just when it's asleep, is always projecting one of the senses. One of the senses that we use to discern that this reality is sight. It's things you see. Yet your brain is constantly lobbing you things that aren't that you see not as solidly, but you see them very briefly. So what I'm saying is this is an indication that the brain has the potential, while waking or sleeping, to show you things. And I was like, okay, that's nuts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because that. That kind of goes in line with, again, the potential of the mind. And if you think about the one mind to make images, and you're like, well, that's kind of weird. And you're like, except it's not. You do it every night when you sleep. And Homer Simpson.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then when you bring in sound, think of the sound of a Coke pouring over ice. You can hear it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sing Happy Birthday in your head. You know it. As you're listening to this podcast, you go like, this is stupid. You hear your own voice saying, this is stupid. Or you're thinking, oh, maybe after this, I'll say this. You hear it. But we push all of that stimuli out and think our lives are like TV shows, which is flat. And you see what you see. You see reality. You only hear the people that are talking and yourself when you're talking. It's nonsense. If you made a movie that was really all the stimuli that a mind is experiencing, it would be the worst movie ever.

[B]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

It would be the most overwhelming. We gotta plug in movie in the world. Your Mac will go to sleep soon. I'll just stick the landing here and then we'll close.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So sound and sight. Now, touch, taste, smell, Those are. I have dreams where I think I'm touching things. I have dreams where I think I'm tasting things. So those are a little bit more precarious. But it was. It felt like a real breakthrough. I was like, of course the mind has the potential to project every single thing that you see.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because it can do that as it is.

[B]

It is doing. Yeah, it does that.

[A]

All right, let's. I hate to close, but I'm worried we're going to lose the file.

[B]

Yeah, no, let's do it.

[A]

So, Val, well, always a pleasure.

[B]

Yeah. Thanks, everybody, for listening.

[A]

It was a really good Valerie1, and I got so much out of it. Oh, thank you.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Now I really feel better? No, I just feel better. I needed it. I needed a check in with you, and I'm glad.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you. Say, and everybody, keep it crispy.