Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – We Made It Weird #128

Episode Date: March 17, 2023
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-Host: Valerie (Val)
Theme: Secret Weirdness, Vulnerability, and the Human Condition

Overview

In this heartfelt and meandering episode, Pete Holmes and his wife/co-host Val share candid reflections about vulnerability, creative rituals, romantic ideals, ego wounds, spirituality, and the pursuit of unconditional love. Through playful banter, music geek-outs, and deeper philosophical inquiry, the couple explores themes of authenticity, childhood wounds, and what it means to be truly at peace with oneself.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Abrupt Beginnings and the Sopranos Analogy

• The episode opens with Pete and Val joking about the abrupt way the conversation wrapped up, likening it to the Sopranos finale ([00:24]).
• Val didn’t finish Sopranos: “It got a little too rapey for me.” ([00:42])
• Pete contrasts Sopranos and Succession, revealing his preference for emotional negotiation over gritty drama ([01:11]).

2. Creative Rituals & Performing at Your Best

• Pete emphasizes the importance of having personal rituals before recording or performing, such as coffee, breath work, or supplements:

  "I appreciate when people who are in performance have things." ([12:31])

• Val agrees, calling these routines “rituals” that genuinely help mental and physical preparation ([12:54]).

3. Music, Emotional Release, and Range

• The couple reminisces about “old ladies rapping” in the ’90s and Val’s love for The Wedding Singer, sparking a playful impersonation exchange ([09:00], [09:11]).
• They discuss the powerful emotional impact of extraordinary vocal performances and viral singing videos, including Nick Pitera’s “A Whole New World” ([16:12]).
• Val describes her favorite singing video and the cathartic effect of witnessing pure creative expression:

  “She is completely swept up in pure creativity... it makes me so happy.” ([23:58])

4. Romance, Movies, and Idealism

• Pete jokes about his college friend getting engaged after seeing The Wedding Singer, speculating that these romantic movies prime us for marriage ([19:28]).
• Val admits her own susceptibility to the romance of such films, sharing:

  “I am such a romantic person—like, embarrassingly so... when I was a teenager, all I did was watch movies like that and pine for love like that.” ([20:13])

5. Vulnerability, Ambition, and the Ego

• Pete vulnerably details the emotional rollercoaster of auditioning, describing the “vulnerability hangover” afterward and noticing how his self-worth becomes tied to external outcomes ([30:12], [31:05]):

  “If I get it, I'm good. If I don't, I'm bad. And suddenly the solid thing—”

• Val relates this to her need for approval, drawing parallels to attachment theory:

  “If one person who absolutely loves me... is momentarily upset with me, I'm bad. And I don't deserve love.” ([32:36])

• They both recognize how these feelings stem from “ego wounds” and early childhood experiences ([33:14]), and Pete riffs on the futility of trying to fill this void with external achievement ([37:11]).

6. Spirituality: Course in Miracles & the Mind of God

• Pete discusses how A Course in Miracles reframes these struggles:

  “You are resting safely in the mind of God. That’s this beautiful line that you're just like... if you could remove all the impediments, you'd recognize that.” ([31:26])

• The hosts reflect on how spiritual practices, therapy, and bodywork help to heal these core wounds—and the limitations of seeking validation through achievement ([38:11]).

7. Body Awareness and the Limits of Ecstasy

• Val describes how yin yoga and somatic practices help her process emotions:

  “Every wave of emotion is like tossing that egg and cracking it a little bit more... my heart is just cracked wide open. That’s that sweet spot for me—where I'm like, that's your Enya.” ([46:28], [47:43])

• She observes the brain’s tendency to resist staying in bliss, longing to hold onto it forever, but recognizing the universe’s natural “pulsation” of presence and absence ([48:08]).

8. Chasing Validation and the Ego’s Pursuit

• Val connects this to attachment theory, where the ego seeks to prove its worth through struggle, chasing conditional love instead of receiving it unconditionally ([62:41]):

  “Some part of us... actually doesn't want the unconditional love of God. We want to… earn it by our merits, then win it over to prove that we exist.”

• Pete expands:

  “The ego tries to understand unconditional love... And like, that just doesn't work because it always knows a bunch of ones. A zero could come at any moment." ([65:47])

9. Mind as Projector: Reality, Dreaming, and Consciousness

• Pete explores the idea that the mind is always projecting sensory experiences, likening waking life to dreaming:

  “Your brain, not just when it's asleep, is always projecting one of the senses... This is an indication that the brain has the potential... to show you things.” ([73:21])

• He links this to the core metaphysical teachings of A Course in Miracles, using thought experiments about imagination and the senses to demonstrate how “reality” is constructed by the mind ([74:53]).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Audition Anxiety and Self-Worth

“If I get it, I'm good. If I don't I'm bad. And I suddenly—the solid thing [disappears].”
— Pete ([30:57])

Attachment and Approval

“If one person who absolutely loves me... is momentarily upset with me, I’m bad. That was all it took. I’m bad now. And I don't deserve love. And... it's more like I don't exist.”
— Val ([32:36])

Rituals for Creativity

“I appreciate when people who are in performance have things.”
— Pete ([12:31])

On Artistic Range

“You want somebody who can go very low and then go really high.”
— Val ([15:15])

Course in Miracles on Resting in the Divine

“You are resting safely in the mind of God... It doesn’t mean later. It means right now.”
— Pete ([31:26])

Accepting Emotional Waves

“Every wave of emotion is like tossing that egg and cracking it a little bit more... My heart is just cracked wide open.”
— Val ([47:40])

The Ego’s Reluctance for Unconditional Love

“Some part of us... doesn’t want the unconditional love of God. We want to earn it by our merits.”
— Val ([62:41])

Notable Timestamps

• [00:24-01:20] – Opening banter, Sopranos analogy, TV tastes.
• [09:08-10:13] – The Wedding Singer talk, Val’s romantic side.
• [12:31-15:15] – Creative rituals, coffee, and music theory.
• [16:12-18:00] – Nick Pitera’s viral “A Whole New World”.
• [19:28-21:25] – Movie-induced romantic optimism and influence on marriage.
• [30:12-31:05] – Vulnerability in auditions, tying self-worth to success.
• [31:26-32:36] – A Course in Miracles perspective on safety and self-worth.
• [46:28-48:08] – Yin yoga, body awareness, difficulty sustaining bliss.
• [62:41-65:47] – Attachment, chasing validation, the ego’s view of love.
• [73:21-74:53] – Mind as projector, thought experiments on sight and sound.

Closing Thoughts

Pete and Val’s conversation flows seamlessly from playful musical geek-outs to deep existential unpacking, modeling the “secret weirdness” underlying human experience. Their vulnerability and philosophical candor offer gentle reminders that everyone struggles with self-worth and acceptance—and that rituals, self-inquiry, and a sense of humor are all crucial for navigating the messiness of being alive.

Keep it crispy!