We Made It Weird #131

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Episode: We Made It Weird #131
Date: April 7, 2023
Main Theme:
In this lighthearted and candid installment, Pete Holmes and his wife, Valerie, candidly explore their “secret weirdness” around topics like introversion vs. extroversion, childhood memories, family dynamics, religious traditions, and the nuances of celebrating birthdays as adults. The episode weaves together humorous anecdotes and deeper reflections on personality, shame, and self-acceptance, revealing how we navigate our quirks—and how they shape our relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Easter & Religious Upbringings

• The episode opens with Pete and Val riffing on Easter traditions, church songs, and why “Good Friday” is oddly named.

  “Why are we calling it Good Friday? Can you imagine going up to Jesus as that's all happening? Be like, we're gonna call this a Good Friday.”
  —Pete, [07:00]

• They share tongue-in-cheek and irreverent jokes, segueing into childhood stories of picking out pastel Easter dresses (Val) and Pete’s awkward awareness of holiday “rules.”

2. Nostalgia: Shoes, Skater Phases, and Ben Folds

• Pete and Val reminisce about their youth through the lens of favorite shoes and fashion trends:
  • Pete’s fond memories of his brother’s untied black Puma sneakers, symbolizing borrowed “coolness.”

    “When I put these shoes on, it was like a superpower. It was like I was stealing some of my brother's coolness.”
    —Pete, [16:15]

  • Valerie recalls her meaningful Christmas gifts: a pair of Converse Chucks and a Ben Folds Five CD, sparking her musical coming-of-age.
• They bond over both having owned the same model Ibanez bass in high school, leading to a playful digression on “case smells” and the emotional resonance of objects ([74:00]).

3. Dads, Music Obsessions, and Emotional Transmission

• Valerie discusses her dad’s tradition of sharing beloved songs and the sometimes embarrassing intensity of these moments.

  “I have the same instinct to be like, this cracked me open. I love it more than I can bear. I have to share it with you.”
  —Valerie, [28:25]

• Pete reflects that art is less about the artifact and more about transmitting the artist’s state:

  “Good art is inviting the viewer to merge into the state that the artist was in when they created it.”
  —Pete, [26:30]

4. Phone Anxiety, Family Habits, and Trauma Responses

• Pete and Val unpack their childhood experiences with telephones:
  • Pete’s lingering anxiety from an era when family phones brought mostly “bad news,” and his dad’s gruff phone etiquette (“Hello.” [30:29])
• They explain trauma triggers, linking their current responses in public and private life to formative events:

  “Your limbic brain doesn't know time and neither does your nervous system...whenever it's triggered, that wound it thinks it is, it's 100% as if it's happening now.”
  —Valerie, [31:49]

5. Introversion vs. Extroversion

• Major segment on how Pete and Val experience social events differently:
  • Pete’s discomfort and shame at group dinners, feeling “locked in” and wishing for the stillness of solo time
  • Valerie’s delight and energetic refueling around friends
  • Honest discussion about relationship friction: wanting different things from birthdays and togetherness

  “My happiest happy place...is that you understand the still, quiet kind of...we're locked in and engaged.”
  —Pete, [46:59]

• Reflections on learning to accept their social needs and make space for differences

  “If I had to spend any of my...birthday alone, it would feel like probably how that party felt—like to you, it would be excruciating.”
  —Valerie, [47:18]

6. Pete’s Solitary New Orleans Birthday

• Pete recounts a day of joyful solitude: walking, meditating, eating a beignet with strangers, and finding rare ease in spontaneous social interaction ([53:28]–[58:54])

  “This is the kingdom of heaven to me. It’s this moment of no separation...no anxiety.”
  —Pete, [56:47]

7. Navigating Group Dynamics: Bills, Guilt & Safety

• Pete describes his stress over birthday dinner logistics and paying the group bill ([64:00]):

  “Secretly, I feel like I just sang Happy Birthday to myself.”
  —Pete, [64:26]

• They discuss “protector” instincts—Pete’s urge to control situations to feel safe, and the emotional residue from childhood environments.

8. Personalities & Patterns

• Pete and Val explore insights from the book The Five Personality Patterns, contemplating which types fit them (aggressive/psychopath, oral/merging) and reflecting on how deeply formative experiences wire adult behaviors ([69:42]–[73:00]).

9. Self-Acceptance, Shame & Owning Needs

• Both hosts candidly address the shame of not fitting social expectations: introversion, sensitivity, family size.

  “All of this Mr. Wilson Ness...curmudgeonliness is actually the beautiful bouquet of results from asking honestly, what do I need?”
  —Pete, [78:46]

• Valerie on how wanting “just one kid” feels fraught with judgment and shame, echoing Pete’s sense that being sensitive or introverted is “less than” in America.

10. Spirituality & Personality

• Pete discusses his contemplative spiritual practice, partly as a natural fit for introverts, and quotes Thomas Merton:

  “Most of you aren't contemplatives, you're just introverts.”
  —Pete, referencing Merton, [75:31]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Shame and Comedy:

  “It's important when you go into these spaces of body shame...I think one of the meanings and most important things in life is to learn and embody your own innocence.”
  —Pete, [13:33]

• On Sharing Art and Love:

  “They actually want you to fall in love with it. And you either do or you don’t. Your opinion is fine. But it’s not about critiquing it. It’s about: Can I accept the invitation here?”
  —Pete, [26:58]

• On Distinct Social Needs:

  “I want to do nothing after I did something. It’s balance.”
  —Pete, [60:22]

• On Accepting Yourself:

  “I'm not ashamed that I figured out what I want...What do you actually need?”
  —Pete, [78:51]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Easter & Good Friday Riffing: [06:16–08:59]
• Childhood Shoes & Teenage Fashion: [09:03–17:55]
• Music Memories & The Dad/Child Transmission: [21:02–29:14]
• Phone Anxiety, Family, and Trauma: [29:42–32:25]
• Introvert/Extrovert Dynamics (Birthday Dinner): [37:16–47:32]
• Pete’s Solo Birthday in New Orleans: [53:28–59:49]
• Personality Patterns & Self-Understanding: [69:42–76:04]
• Final Reflections on Shame & Self-acceptance: [78:46–end]

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Tone & Style

• Conversational, reflective, playful, occasionally irreverent, always honest.
• Warm blend of inside-joke banter and philosophical musing.

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For New Listeners

This episode is quintessential Pete & Val: equal parts heartfelt, silly, and illuminating. Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, grew up in a church or just like hearing comedians wrestle with real life, this one will leave you feeling a little more seen in your secret weirdness.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird.

[Valerie]

You made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. Yes, you did. Made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos? I forgot for a second what I was supposed to say.

[Pete Holmes]

The intro.

[Valerie]

I almost said get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

There's some that. Well, now we have to start. What if I was at beholden? Beholden. Caulfield.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I love this episode.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it was fun.

[Pete Holmes]

It was so fun.

[Valerie]

If I had to explain it in one word, I would say fun.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fun, but it's also. Don't. I don't mean to give a warning. The first 10 minutes are kind of dirty. Just skip them. If you don't want dirty jokes, just skip it. Because I think where we got into introversion versus extroversion father stuff on both of our sides. I'm talking through burps. It's a great podcast. Talking through burps, but lots of laughs.

[Valerie]

Being disgusting.

[Pete Holmes]

But I also. I just think this is a really, really great one and I'm really glad you guys are here. And it's weird to say this, but I'm like, listen to the whole thing. It goes. It goes a great place, as these conversations often do. Yeah, it was like circular.

[Valerie]

I mean, you're here, you're already listening. We don't have to sell you on it. Just keep listening. Don't. If you do nothing, just.

[Pete Holmes]

Just do nothing.

[Valerie]

Just do nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you want to see me in Los Angeles and Val usually comes out a little bit. A little. How do you do? Largo-la.com the next one is Star Wars Day, May 4th. And if you want to see me on the road, go to peteholmes.com the shows have been incredible. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you, Dallas. The hours just feeling great. Please come out and see it. It's going to be awesome. Petehomes.com and if you like the show, honestly, we say this every week, but it's such a great stress relief for me when the ads are easy and working. So if you're at all interested in supporting the show and trying a Pete Spec, which are products that I use and love, try a pizza pick. Roll those ads. Katie, if you are new to this show, I only do sponsors that I actually use and actually love, like our friends at Living Libations. This episode is brought to us by those friends and at Living Libations. My whole life I was careful about what I was putting in my body, but I was never really careful about what I was putting on. My body when it came to moisturizing or toothpaste or hair products or skin products, eye products, dental products, baby products, and obviously those things, when you just buy them off the rack at some random pharmacy, they're filled with toxic chemicals. They're filled with stuff that isn't good for you, that gets on your skin, into your bloodstream, into your body. So enter living libations to help make meaning. You can have incredible, wonderful, great acting. Great acting. I just mean effective, powerful skin care, hair care, baby care that you look at the ingredients and you recognize every single thing on the list. It's unbelievable. I want to eat food where I recognize the ingredients and I want my skin and beauty care to be exactly the same. It's skin care, it's beauty care that you can feel great about, about putting on in your body, keeping you healthy, keeping you looking vibrant, keeping you looking alive, beautiful. Whatever you want to say, whatever words, what poetry moves you. Today we use their best Kenevra moisturizer, both Val and I. A bottle lasts many, many, many, many months. Just a couple, literally two little beep beep. The whole face completely moisturized, glowing, beautiful. And you can, you can read the ingredients. You get it. Living Libations is a great way to support the show. Whatever you've got in your medicine cabinet or on your next to your sink, Living Libations has a high end premium natural replacement for whatever you got. So this is a great way to support the show. Pick one of those products, replace it. I promise you'll love it, it'll be super effective and you can feel good about putting it on in your body. So go to livinglibations.com weird you'll get 15% off livinglibations.com weird do your body a favor and show your support of the show livinglibations.com weird we're also brought to us by our friends at Onnit. Everybody knows I love nootropics and on it. Alpha Brain is the OG and I absolutely love it, absolutely swear by it. What is it? It's earth grown ingredients that helps you with memory, concentration and focus. So I don't know much about you, but whatever you're doing, if it involves your brain, you could probably use to give yourself a little bit of an edge. It's not like caffeine, it's not a stimulant, it doesn't give you energy, it doesn't get you all jacked. It gives your body, the brain, the nutrition that it needs to concentrate, to dial in, to focus and to create so whenever I'm doing stand up, doing this podcast, sitting down to write a script, or just going like, literally, it's Saturday night, Val and I are going to go on a date. I take a couple Alpha Brain before I go out because I like to be able to listen, engage, access my vocabulary, access my memories and stories and just be a good full brained person. So this is a secret weapon in my life. It's made a huge change. I wish I knew about it in college. It would have made such a difference when I had to memorize stuff. But now memorizing lines and memorizing different things here and there for my job makes a huge difference. If you like alpha brain 1 10th as much as I like it, you're going to shit your pants. Go to onit O N N I T.com Weird. I've moved up to their black label. That's. I just updated my subscription. It's easy to update your subscription. I love the black label. It's just a slightly more optimized formula. Love it. On it.com weird. Get your brain working. I'm making up these slogans. Get your brain working and working better with anna.com weird. All right, everybody, here we go.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it. And blessed be the rock. Blessed be the rock of my salvation.

[Pete Holmes]

Which by definition, if I have it, it means others don't have it. I have a rock. And you will. Bur don't. Don't ruin it.

[Valerie]

I like, I did ruin it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's such a joyous song.

[Valerie]

Like truly, it makes me want to. This is such an Easter episode. Because when we were.

[Pete Holmes]

Good Friday.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Oh, it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Happy good, happy good jaundice and a.

[Valerie]

Good Friday to you. Isn't that the one where he was. He was like crucified on Friday.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Sometimes I forget.

[Valerie]

Sounds very good.

[Pete Holmes]

Christian comedy. Why are we calling it Good Friday? Can you imagine going up to Jesus as that's all happening? Be like, we're gonna call this a Good Friday.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's really salt in the woods right there.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody probably did say that. But to spurn him, right? Every year we're gonna celebrate this and call it Good Friday. Like his biggest critic.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And then all of the Christians there were who were basically like playing telephone and that's how we got the Bible. We're like, I guess we're calling it Good Friday. Okay. Good Friday. Pass it on. Good Friday.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's like using. There's been other instances, I suppose. I'm not trying to be funny. The N word in hip Hop. The reclamation of, like, the worst thing as the best thing.

[Valerie]

Sure. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's our theory.

[Valerie]

That's our theory.

[Pete Holmes]

And what happened with Good Friday? But there's like a reverse, like, haha.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And my whole life, Easter was like, the big show.

[Pete Holmes]

I say this every year. I always felt so bad jerking it on Easter. I used to feel so bad jerking it on Easter. He is risen. Okay. All right.

[Valerie]

What are you going to do? He's risen.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you going to do? He's risen. The cave's about to be empty. The cave is my vaults. This is a filth. I feel so groovy and, like, in love and happy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I just want people to know they're repulsed by this opening, which I agree.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. And it isn't the state that you're in. You're not in a. In a gutter state.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not in a gutter state.

[Valerie]

I'm just bringing it back. I'm bringing it back into Easter. So it was the big show. We were always very excited. My mom and I would buy Easter dresses, like, a month in advance. We would be at the mall and we're like, it's always some sort of pastel color. Like, do I want to do, like, a lavender or do I want to do a pastel? Yellow would be like an Old Navy, you know? And you're like, I think I'm gonna get this as my Easter dress.

[Pete Holmes]

Old Navy had pastel Easter dresses. I guess they did.

[Valerie]

Yeah. They had. They had everything. By the time I got there. It wasn't just performance. Please. If that's what you're thinking.

[Pete Holmes]

What a great ad campaign. So I'm not trying to change the subject. Easter to me. Easter to me. An essay by Peter Holmes. Easter is the day the Lord is risen. Period. Then I just chew on my pencil for 45 minutes. God, I hated school. It was the worst. I didn't hate every element of it. I loved riding it on a red skateboard with a blue denim jacket and putting it in my locker. Either that or that was saved by the bell.

[Valerie]

It's hard to know.

[Pete Holmes]

That was definitely saved by the bell. I love that you thought I could ride a skateboard. I definitely could never ride a skateboard.

[Valerie]

You never rode a skateboard?

[Pete Holmes]

I bought a skateboard.

[Valerie]

I once had a crush.

[Pete Holmes]

I bought a skateboard.

[Valerie]

I mean, everybody bought a skateboard.

[Pete Holmes]

I love the wheels and the catalogs.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I love designing the bottom culture. Me too.

[Valerie]

And like, skater. Remember, there was a time you probably were in your 20s by then.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like this.

[Valerie]

When I was in middle school.

[Pete Holmes]

Cool.

[Valerie]

There was a time where skater shoes. I think it was like an Avril Lavine thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Vans.

[Valerie]

Like, but like, it wasn't just. It had expanded. Like, I had. I don't know if they were called ES's or S. S is like Es. And they were the fat. Like skater shoes with where you would lace them. Where there weren't any. They were laced, like loose.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So you wouldn't pull it tight. That was.

[Pete Holmes]

That was nerd. Like a hockey lace. Like a fat lace.

[Valerie]

Yeah, like a big fat. And you. And the laces mattered. Like you wanted a thick lace.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, hockey lace.

[Valerie]

But I'm saying also the way that you lace them. It's unfortunate that those are the same words because you have the laces and then how you lace them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. Yes.

[Valerie]

Was. I understood, though, was like wide and fat. And so you wanted to like.

[Pete Holmes]

It was an untied.

[Valerie]

Right. Yeah. And untied that. And it was like ankle socks, short jean shorts and fat white shoes.

[Pete Holmes]

Which, by the way, Val, take a peek. Take a look out your window. Wake up.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm kidding. But the wake up part was a joke. The kid. The youths of today. It's all goddamn 90s.

[Valerie]

Oh, I know. Oh, I totally know.

[Pete Holmes]

It makes me happy.

[Valerie]

It makes me happy too. Nostalgic.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah, there's obviously that. And not obvious. There's obviously that. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant, like, it gives me. It makes it easier for me to have understanding and compassion for what I. And I don't endorse this, but your boy. Me often. I have a good riff raff program that I run. So if I see a gaggle of teens or tweens, even. Even tweens at Target, it's tempting for me to go like, look at. It's riff raff. As if they're just like shoplifting and spitting on cars.

[Valerie]

Just because of their age.

[Pete Holmes]

Just because of their age. Yeah. Like, I'm a real Mr. Wilson. Like, I used to be a Dennis the Menace and Now I've become Mr. Wilson. I just went quiet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

To occasionally have sex with Mrs. Wilson, I guess.

[Valerie]

I don't think. I. I don't think they had done it in years. That's why he was so cranky.

[Pete Holmes]

Probably. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Probably because he didn't jerk it on Easter.

[Pete Holmes]

He wasn't. His tomb was stuffed.

[Valerie]

Oh, it was stuffed. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to end the riff. There's More to say, but that. That riff is over. My own sacrilege. It's bleeding into my own.

[Valerie]

They opened it up. It was only rags. There's something with rags there, you know, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but I.

[Valerie]

Okay, I know that you're saying the tomb is the balls.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So it's stuffed with dozens of corpses. Is. Is the. Is the. It's a tomb.

[Valerie]

Right. And the corpses are sperm.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because I jerked. I love. This is like Silicon Valley. When they like in articulately and in depth, discuss how to jerk off. The most number of people. Remember that.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're like, no, in this, the tomb is my ball. So when you jerk off, your balls are empty because he has risen.

[Valerie]

Yes, Okay, I got it.

[Pete Holmes]

And if they're. If Mr. Wilson had. Okay, so in conclusion. If Mr. Wilson. So it's overflowing. Yeah. With corpses.

[Valerie]

I still had so much. I was really going to take us on like this beautiful journey of my positive associations with Easter. And somehow it devolved.

[Pete Holmes]

We still will.

[Valerie]

Into this mess.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a filth.

[Valerie]

It's a filth.

[Pete Holmes]

Everything belongs. Everything belongs. We have to. It's important when you go into these spaces of body shame, jerking it, grotesqueness, or even dark thoughts. Like it's dark. To play with the metaphor of a tomb being. Especially the Easter to all that stuff. I find it's really important. Not just like, kind of important as an idea, but like legit. One of the meanings and most important things in life is to learn and embody your own innocence. And it's tempting when you're riffing in an area. What I'm saying is I think there's actually something valid and important about. Not taking anything too seriously is one way you could put it. Sure, of course. But like when you touch the edge and you get a shock and you feel this horrible guilt and shame, just like self hate. I think that's something to be worked on. And I think that's one of the. I've said this before, but one of the joys of watching a stand up. Because they're exalted, they're on stage, they're under lights and they're sharing their shame or their weird thoughts and their weird feelings. And not just me. I know I do that. But I mean like that's what they're all doing. All the ones worth their salt are sharing. Yeah, no, they're ones that don't do that. That I like quite a bit.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Any who's a woozle? I don't remember where we were. I Did want to say that I used to wear a pair of pumas.

[Valerie]

Ah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is a. They made a skater shoe. And I'm gonna say something. I just know you're gonna love it. I know you're gonna love it. And maybe it was your S's, but your S is Gris. But I'm gonna introduce to the podcast the topic of the pair of shoes. Possibly multiple pairs, because I can think of several pairs that just really, really mattered and. And were, like, special and meaningful. So to just get the ball rolling, I've already said in high school, my brother John. Like, you don't believe me, John?

[Valerie]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

John Holmes. Okay, dad. Okay.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my brother's shoes. Okay. Yeah. He had these pumas, and he put the skater laces in them, the fat laces. And he didn't have to tie him. And so I had this belief, and I think you did, too, that my brother was much cooler than me. And here I somehow ended up with his shoes.

[Valerie]

I thought your brother was cooler than you, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Very good. I hate this. I'm just kidding. Anyway, so when I put these shoes on, it was like a superpower. It was like I was stealing some of my brother's coolness. And you almost wore them to school. First of all, I love that they were slippy on. Didn't have to tie, but stayed on. What miracle is this?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How are they the perfect size? Like, the shoe itself is perfect. That an untied shoe would still grip.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

For brisk walking. You know, I'm brisk walking with an overstuffed backpack, hauling ass from a building to J building. That's a long ass walk.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Those shoes are staying on Alphabet. And the first day you wear it, you know, somebody had that bit. The first day you wear it, you audition a new hat.

[Valerie]

God, it's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

So vulnerable. The first day you try to be a fedora guy. The first day I tried to be a fat lace puma guy. I thought maybe everyone was going to be like, what the is this? No one did. So I felt like George Castanza. Like I had snuck into the the Village, the nightclub of beautiful women.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I was like, I did it. So that's my first pair of shoes. And they. And if I had them, I'd still wear them. You know, this. You know I love a grungy slip on.

[Valerie]

I do know you love a grungy slip on. I'm having a hard time picturing them. Like, what did they look like? Were they white?

[Pete Holmes]

No, they were low tops and they Were black and they had like a swoosh but not a Nike swoosh.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I've seen the Puma logo.

[Pete Holmes]

It looked like a jacket Rory Scoville would wear.

[Valerie]

Okay, I think that helps me.

[Pete Holmes]

And the sole was black and was white and. And the. That was.

[Valerie]

That does sound cool.

[Pete Holmes]

And white laces.

[Valerie]

That does sound cool.

[Pete Holmes]

It was very Beastie Boys.

[Valerie]

Okay, sure. So black shoe, white laces.

[Pete Holmes]

That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

What are you going to get? Black laces. I can relate to that. And. And my S's were some shoes that were very important to me. Like I got them for Christmas and stuff, but also the first time. So I was a little bit older for this. I think I was a freshman in high school. And there was one Christmas where I got my first pair of Converse Chucks. Chucks.

[Pete Holmes]

I've always felt excluded from the Chucks. I have some. I just feel like I can't do it.

[Valerie]

I bet. You know, I kind of know what you mean. I think you could, but it's like.

[Pete Holmes]

But you know what I mean.

[Valerie]

I do know what you mean.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a Captain America ness to them that like you have to be real golden.

[Valerie]

I don't know you. Because you are all of those things. I think you have to. I think like you have to wear it with like a shirt that I feel like I'm always trying to get you to wear. A type of shirt is like the short sleeve collar with like a subtle kind of cool print. Button up, button up.

[Pete Holmes]

Short sleeve, button up.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Collar with like a cool little print.

[Pete Holmes]

So when I manage a bowling alley, they'll give me one.

[Valerie]

But this is, this is something that like, like Ben Schwartz would wear. Like, you know what I mean?

[Pete Holmes]

Like it's, you know, Ben moonlights at Needles and Pins. It's needles, cuz. A DJ spins records.

[Valerie]

Very cool.

[Pete Holmes]

There you go. Needles and pins.

[Valerie]

But like that's the kind of thing I would want on.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a billion dollar idea. Pins and needles.

[Valerie]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

A dance club and a bowling alley. Pins and needles, guys.

[Valerie]

Oh my God. Make this a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I give my consent. You can have it. Pins and needles.

[Valerie]

And if you live like kind of in our area, we'll go. Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

It does sound like it might be like where you go to bowl and do drugs.

[Valerie]

Pins and needles. Yeah. I mean, in my hometown we had rock and bowl, which is like rock and bowl. Like, but you say it like rock and bowl.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you want to go rock a bowl? Like smoke a Burr.

[Valerie]

No, but that does that. I wonder if people made that joke. It's, like, supposed to be like, rock and roll, but it was like, some.

[Pete Holmes]

People definitely did a bowl and bowl. Like, you want a bowl and bowl.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. Bowl and ball.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what the Big Lebowski should have been called. Bowl and bowl and bowl.

[Valerie]

That was the alternate title.

[Pete Holmes]

It's either the Big Lebowski, the one misstep that Cohen said, like, they're such geniuses. And they're like. And it's. It's the dude, and he abides and all these things. And there's a thing with the toe, and it's called bowl and bowl. And the executives are like, I can't believe we have a note, but we have a note. And they're like, we won't. We. We don't take notes. We're the. We're the Lebowskis, where they go. And they go, the Big Lebowski. And they're like. When you're right, you're right.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I like to think that they. They've had some bad ideas like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Pins and needles.

[Valerie]

Pins and needles. But the shoe. So I got. It was one Christmas where I got Ben Folds, the CD of Ben Folds Five. Forever, Whatever and ever. Amen. Excuse me? Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Whatever and whenever. Amen.

[Valerie]

Amen. Whatever and ever. Amen. I misspoke. Thanks for pointing it out.

[Pete Holmes]

I just. I thought it was a cheeky Ben Folds. He's like. It's like, amen. But it's like, amen.

[Valerie]

Yeah, whatever. Whatever and ever Amen is cheeky.

[Pete Holmes]

Benfolds, Whatever.

[Valerie]

And every man is great, which is, like, the cool. Like, I would still say, as a connoisseur of Benfolds. And, like, truly, that was, like, my band. So I later came. You know, like, when you have, like, your band through, like, all of high school and college, and you're like, this is what. I know. Every lyric of every song ever. I still think that's the coolest album. Whatever and ever. Amen. So I got that. And this was the beginning of my Ben Folds Five obsession. I got black low top Converse.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

And a black Ibanez base.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. The tomb is empty. I just jizzed my jeans is what I'm saying. I had a black Ibanez base.

[Valerie]

You did? How have we never talked about this?

[Pete Holmes]

And it was shiny. I don't know how to describe it.

[Valerie]

It was shiny. Now I think you're lying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I had a black Ibaneza base. I think there I'm gonna. I'm gonna look. I don't. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. Not gonna work here anymore. There was tin.

[Valerie]

It was wooden. Like a wooden neck. A light wooden neck.

[Pete Holmes]

A light. Yeah.

[Valerie]

And black.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, chrome. Who cares who's using it? Show me an Ibanez base 90s. Was it this? Because this is the base I had.

[Valerie]

Okay. That's the base I had, but 600 colors. The neck was a really light wood, but that was the shape of it.

[Pete Holmes]

You. We had the same base.

[Valerie]

That is really crazy. Was yours that kind of wood, or was it a light wood?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I want to see a light wood Ibanez base 90s.

[Valerie]

Stop making Ian's base. Yeah, like. Like a light wood neck.

[Pete Holmes]

I think mine was dark. You had this guy.

[Valerie]

Yep, I had that guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. We had the same base, but I had the dark neck, but it was this base.

[Valerie]

That was the. Yep. That was the exact. I think I remember. I think my brother still has it.

[Pete Holmes]

I bet he does.

[Valerie]

My brother is.

[Pete Holmes]

Your brother's always like, bassist. Your brother is such a good bassist.

[Valerie]

How good of a bassist is he.

[Pete Holmes]

That when he plays bass, you go, like, I thought I played bass.

[Valerie]

Like, yeah, I thought I stopped playing bass. Basically.

[Pete Holmes]

He sounds like, okay, George Clinton goes scuba diving. And in. But, like, the most beautiful, pristine blue waters, and there's tropical fish everywhere. And he's scuba diving. Picturing like, you got it. You got it. Yeah. People are like, is that an octopus? And they're like, no, that's George Clinton scuba diving.

[Valerie]

From the top, it just looks like.

[Pete Holmes]

A pile of man. From straight on, it looks like a pilot. This man, he's got a lot of hair. And your brother plays bass. Like, the bubbles coming out of his mouthpiece, like, just perfect, smooth George Clinton scuba bubbles.

[Valerie]

He's very good at it.

[Pete Holmes]

He's very good at it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So I wanted to get into it for a while there, and I only learned, like, the first song I learned how to play was Shout to the Lord.

[Pete Holmes]

I could still play it.

[Valerie]

Huh? And my dad. I remember my dad showing me. I used to. We would listen to Bread. I don't know why. He swears. David Gates, the bass player from the band Bread, is one of the best bassists. And so we. I was like, that is. The picture paints a thousand words. Then why can't I paint you?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, he could be right. Your dad. Your dad knows stuff about music and bass. I'm not. Like, he's wrong about everything. I just mean, like, yeah, that sounds right. I'm just. I'm wary of.

[Valerie]

Dad music.

[Pete Holmes]

I just thought it was funny that I made that sound. I'm weary of. Of dad opinions.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Because dads know how to have seven beers and listen to a bread album. And like in that moment, God comes to them.

[Valerie]

But see, this is.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's not the base. They were drunk enough and comfortable enough that their masculinity faded away. Their hearts open ever so briefly. And it wasn't the. I'm not saying with your dad, but it wasn't the base. It was God showed up to you as the base from bread. And I'm saying this as me. Everything that I love. I was just listening to this incredible Course in Miracles talk called the Course in Miracles as a work of art. And they were talking about that art. I might use this for the movie that I'm writing because it's an art professor art. Like I look at Rory Scoble's painting in her house. Good art is inviting the viewer to merge into the state that the artist was in when they created it. So it's not even really the painting.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like they fell in love. Then they put that love on a picture, a canvas, or a sculpture or music or a bread based thing. And then you. The weird thing about it is it's not an exclusive love. It's not a possessive love. They actually want you to fall in love with it.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And you either do or you don't. And your. Your opinion is fine. But it's not about critiquing it or analyzing it. It's about just going like, can I accept the invitation here? So dad. Dads are hard men or rigid minds, let's just say, have a harder time doing that. So that's why so many of the things I love and have intense relationships where it's because for some reason or another, the iron curtain around my heart was just down.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it doesn't mean it's actually good. But then it comes out, it gets remasculinized as. And again, I'm not talking about your dad. It comes out as the bass player for Bread is the best. Now. Now it's rigid again. Now it's just like, now it's like.

[Valerie]

And it's a.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a rank effect. And I'm going to share it with you when really it would look. And that's fine. But like, you're kind of saying like, an angel visited me one night. But instead of saying that, we say, you know, who can really slap a debase?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Did that make sense?

[Valerie]

I do know, and it's tricky because I think that is very true in. In the case of my dad, though, you know, like, last week's episode, I was talking about how when I listened to beautiful gospel singing, I feel it in my whole body. And I showed it to Richard Rohr when he was there, and I showed it to you. And I like that. Like, and I played it on the podcast. That's the same. That's the same thing my dad does and has done with his music my whole life.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And it almost kind of, like, pains me to admit, oh, I'm the same as him. No, in that, like, I've gotten. I. I have the same instinct to be like, this cracked me open. I love it more than I can bear. I have to share it with you. And so my whole life, my dad would be like, listen to this. There was a time where my dad showed me a Lynyrd Skynyrd song that I didn't think meant that much to him, but he was like that. Listened to every note in the song and then saw that I was on my phone and got his feelings really hurt by that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

So, like, he does.

[Pete Holmes]

That was recently.

[Valerie]

That was kind of. Yeah, I had a phone. I mean, it was. It was probably 10 years ago.

[Pete Holmes]

You're on a landline just playing 336-99369. Just, like, playing Beethoven. Like, wow. You were staring at your phone and it's 1985. Like, you were just looking at a phone.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I didn't have anything to look at. I just rather look at numbers than listen to this song.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you imagine people in the 80s knowing, like, hearing us talk now and be like. And I was just. Of course I was staring at my.

[Valerie]

Phone, and they're, like, waiting for it to ring.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were expecting a call. We get that. We get that.

[Valerie]

That's all we needed was wait for the phone.

[Pete Holmes]

To me, can I say the terror when it did. Oh, I couldn't live. I couldn't live. No, you couldn't live in a world you really couldn't, where every once in a while, the whole house rings. I can't live in that world.

[Valerie]

You could not live in the world. And I did more than.

[Pete Holmes]

And I did.

[Valerie]

That's probably where a lot of your stuff comes.

[Pete Holmes]

We're uncovering it. We're finding it together. Every time the phone rang, it was a bad news. And my dad. My dad to this day answers. I had a bit about it. I only did it once, but he answers the phone like this. Hello. It's like that.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And my brother and I were like, yeah. Because if he answered, like, hello, like, that person could then take advantage of him. So he has to sit, set the precedent. I'm off put even as I answer.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

But, man. Yeah. I told you. We had the punk song the Nude. My punk band Nude had a song called phone calls at 3am because the phone would ring in the night and wake us up.

[Valerie]

Oh, my gosh. Brutal.

[Pete Holmes]

My dad wants, like, smash the phone, too. It was so frustrating. The phone. The phone. Then he got a cell phone. He's one of the early adopters to do a cell phone. So it would be in a restaurant. There'd be like a. And it answered. And we're ruining meals. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Pete, I can't believe. I mean, we've sort of uncovered some of this, but this is. This is potentially why when we're at a restaurant and somebody at the table next to us is on their phone, not talking on their phone, looking at their phone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

It's like the whole thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it is the whole thing.

[Valerie]

I mean, you do a good job at managing. And also, it's hard for you.

[Pete Holmes]

And also bready. The bark. Like, random loud noises. What were you saying about trauma? When you have trauma, it's like when it's spurred, it's like being rewounded again. It's not like a reminder of the wound. It's like it's happening again. Your body's like it's here again.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Your limbic brain doesn't know limbic shout out to the limbic brain. When your limbic brain doesn't know time and neither does your nervous system. So whenever it's triggered, that wound it thinks it is, it's 100% as if it's happening now. That's how, like, people with PTSD about, you know, being serving in the army.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

They're like. They're at dinner with their family. But it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's happening now.

[Valerie]

It's happening now.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is why in movies they would, like, overlay the war.

[Valerie]

Yeah. The sound.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a shame that that became like. It's almost like a corny cliche. Yeah, but PTSD was such a thing and is still such a thing. Question mark. I think so, yeah. Oh. I just didn't want to. I didn't know. I was. I guess I was hopeful that maybe we were treating it here.

[Valerie]

We're treating it, but it's the thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, of course, of course, of course. Here's what I'm going to say.

[Valerie]

What is it?

[Pete Holmes]

Your dad and music. There's a slight dad kind of embarrassment to it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you just can't escape it. Like Lila is just going to think it's fucking the bees tits. Like whatever the bad thing is on a bee, when I go off on my thing or whatever, it's just going to.

[Valerie]

She's going to want her to be like it because. Let me just insert here. Let me just, let me just, let me just, let me just say this. Our friend Kristen has a 14 year old and she said, she said she will show her. The 14 year old will show her mom the music that she likes and she wants her to say, I like that. But if she were to find her mom listening to it on her own, she would hate it.

[Pete Holmes]

If I came home And Irina in 1995 was listening to In Utero.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd be like. In fact, I remember when I was dating a woman. Okay, all right, slow down, slow down. She, her mother, her stepmom was like one. She's the basis. I used to have a bit called I don't like when old people use Technology.

[Valerie]

Oh yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's sort of evolved and it's. It keeps getting shorter. Let's just say that. But it was based on this woman. She was an early adopter of the iPad. And she loved, like, she loved it. She'd be in the car before it had location services like it couldn't track. She'd be opening the Apple maps and zooming it with her huge old lady hands and her nails. And I don't know what it was, but it was. You're helping me realize. She'd also listen to Jay Z. Like in the kitchen she'd be playing Jay Z. And I was just like. But it was the Forever Young song, didn't he like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she'd like sample it. She'd like croon the chorus. Like that was the part she did. She knew that part, like really giving it. And I remember getting so tight watching her do that. Being like, this just isn't right. You shouldn't be doing this. Listen to Rod Stewart. That's your forever young. And it's because there's still a purple haired teenager in me. Here's what I want to. I really want to get to this though. And then I die. You being shown that by your dad. And I'm really, I'm feeling a lot of love and respect for my folks. So it's not From a nasty place I don't really have. My father could have explained sports, maybe to me, and he probably was deeply disappointed. Or classic cars.

[Valerie]

There were things that he's interested.

[Pete Holmes]

That he's interested in.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That he could have. And I wasn't like. I was like, no.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's not all on him, obviously. People are people are people. People are people. I got the grass best people.

[Valerie]

That was really good.

[Pete Holmes]

I got the best people. This guy, he wipes my butt. This guy smells it. He smells it. He sniffs it. He tells me it smells fantastic. I. I don't smell it. They put a clothespin like a Looney Tunes cartoon on my nose, and I do not smell it. Got an old school wooden clothespin on my nose.

[Valerie]

I love that. It's like. Like somebody has to smell it.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody's gotta smell it. We have a guy, he does the whiff. He does a whiff. He's a whiffer. He gives it a whiff and he smell. And when we play Wiffle ball, he whiffs. He strikes out. He's terrible at baseball. Terrible at it. But he does smell. He smells just like a hound dog. He'll find my sin if I'm ever buried somewhere. He'll find me if I shit myself. That's my track. That's my tracking beacon. If he's ever kidnapped, he just has to poop himself. Then the whiffle will find me. Sorry. What I want to say is, when you go, you enthusiastically introduce music to somebody like me and the audience here. You played that beautiful. You play that beautiful gospel, and we loved it. And you go, oh, God, I'm being like my dad doing a beautiful thing. Here's when I go, oh, God, I'm my dad. We're at my birthday last night, and I had a good time overall, but, like, I'm sitting there, I'm just like. I can't engage. I feel isolated at moments. Don't you. Don't you do it. Don't do it. I knew you were gonna think it was your fault.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew you were gonna think it was your fault.

[Valerie]

I was gonna say, did I plan a birthday party for you?

[Pete Holmes]

I knew you were gonna say this. Last night, we went to dinner with, like, eight friends. And, like, almost instantly, I remembered that I don't like dinners with eight friends. I don't like him.

[Valerie]

That's why I did. I did ask. I was like, do you want it just to be two friends? Do you just want.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete is as big of a mystery to Pete as he is, too.

[Valerie]

I should know.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody knows.

[Valerie]

But you're not a mystery. I should have overridden.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why I have to write down my preferences. Like, I literally want to write in a note, don't forget your birthday. You should order three pizzas. Those same friends in our house would have been fine. Which is too loud. It was too packed.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It wasn't the people. I kept being distracted by the buzz of the restaurant. I didn't like how locked into the seating I was. I was stuck. Like, I was in one of those situations where you just couldn't get out. So the whole. And so was Jen, by the way. She was like. She had to pee.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

So we're just kind of, like, locked into this table. I get, like, food panic. I'm worried I'm not going to eat enough. And then I start eating because I'm anxious. None of the. I still had a good time. And I was so touched that everybody came.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But in those moments when I go, oh, my God, I. I hate this. I'm just saying moments.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't relate to this. Look at how much fun Valerie is having. Look at how much fun everybody's having.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's when I feel like my father. So. And I actually say that kind of with a fondness. Like, my dad and I could have a good laugh if I was like, dad, you go to these fucking dinners and there's eight friends and everyone. He'd start dying laughing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we have our skills. There are things we're good at. But it's like I wrote in my gratitude journal last night, first of all, I wrote that everybody came. Everybody came. And that made me really happy. I received that as love. But I also wrote on my gratitude list this morning, I said, I love that I figured me out. I like one on one conversations. And I've made that a huge part of my life.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have them multiple per week. Headphones on, totally locked in. We're doing it right now. That's what I like. I want that locked on. I don't want generalized. And I just end up feeling left out and like a mutant or something.

[Valerie]

I know. There was a moment during that dinner where I was like, I'm having so much fun. I still am, like, buzzing from it. I'm like, I'm feeling extroversion. I'm filled up.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like. But then I can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning with Leela and just she and I and Lulu and I'll make breakfast and Just in the quiet house. I'll get some sun on my face.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Read. Read my book while they watch cartoons. I was like, that's. That's filling me up. That's why I feel so good now. Last night. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, but last night I was like, this is. I'm not. Like, people can see that I can't do this like, that. I can't just kind of roll into the group and laugh and know how to react. People are asking me, Jen, poor Jen, was like, are you excited about that show coming out that you just filmed? And I was like, not really. I'm mostly just celebrating that we're done. I mean, in six months, when it comes out, maybe I'll be excited. I'm like, I'm a freak. Don't talk to me. Talk to me.

[Valerie]

I think all of that is fine, I guess.

[Pete Holmes]

But I feel like. I feel like a real freak. And I feel like a normal person would be like, oh, yeah, it's so fun. I can't wait. And I'm like, that's not how I am. That's not how my brother is. That's how my mother is. It's not that my. It's not how I am.

[Valerie]

I understand. And I. This is just where I, like, that's why I was like, I'm having so much fun. And then I, like, kind of looked over at you, and I was like, oh, man. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

And I hate that you have that. No, you have the Frankenstein monster in a blazer next to you and you're over there, literally. I'm also thinking, no one's having fun. That's also my problem is I'm like, I'm. So that's why. I'm not saying I wish I had taken a Canadian muscle relaxer, but a little bit. A little bit I do. Because then at least I'd be, like, kind of having a good time. And then assuming everyone's having a good time. This is the draw of drugs and alcohol to people like me. At least I could get a little fire going inside of me that when it's awkward, I can go up to that fire and go, like, at least I'm. But if I go in and there's no fire and just darkness.

[Valerie]

But I don't know why this time I played it so wrong. I think because I've been.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop it.

[Valerie]

No, because I have. In the past, I've learned over the last 10 birthdays. Birthdays with you, we've figured out, like, we. We usually go to big dinners for my birthday. And then a month later we go.

[Pete Holmes]

To a quiet restaurant or.

[Valerie]

Yeah. With like two other people or just with us. Or you just have like a day where you're just in a neighbor, like at. At Laguna or whatever. And I don't know why I forgot. I think it's because I just have had a lot on my mind. But I do remember the moment. And this is what I was saying is like, I was like, oh, I think I'm having too much fun. Like, if I'm having this much fun, then that means Pete is definitely not having fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Brutal. Is this our divorce hearing? I'm not really. I don't really feel that way.

[Valerie]

We just.

[Pete Holmes]

I just hate to be the wet.

[Valerie]

Blanket, but I'm the wet blanket in the social situations that you like when you're talking about like non dualism and stuff or comedy.

[Pete Holmes]

A bunch of weirdos.

[Valerie]

Yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Talking about comedy and no.

[Valerie]

And I'm just like, all right, this is. I mean, I do like when we're with comedians, but yeah. But anyway, I know, I know. And then I realized, like, okay, I know where I went wrong first, is just to be like, you know, I was like, your, your birthday, you're going to be out of town for your birthday. We have to do something for your birthday. That's an extroverted thing where I'm like, what, are you going to just let your birthday go by?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, can I also say that the best part of all of this was that was when you said we have to have a birth. So you asked me when I was in like an expansive, happy place, right. Like, I had just gotten back from Dallas and New Orleans and the show is so great. And you're like, let's do a dinner. And I was like, invite everybody.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause post. Post show, Pete is a neutralized, not anxious, happy, easy Pete.

[Valerie]

And again, after 10 years, I should know that. But it's like I kind of did know it. And this is the like, the dirtier part of it that I should apologize for is like I said, do you want to invite like all the friends, basically? And you were like, yeah, let's invite them. And I knew, like, I actually don't know if you will like that. But I wanted to do.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, and that's fine.

[Valerie]

So I was like, all right, he's down for it. We got a yes, let's do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

But I. But I will just. I remember. I'm going to try to remember now that that's not your scene. And there's nothing wrong with that. You are not a freak. You're an introvert. That's like half the people on the planet.

[Pete Holmes]

Half the people.

[Valerie]

Half the people listening to this right now are 100% on your side.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, I know. I just. Yeah, I like. I like. I like. Well, what's funny about New Orleans, right? So I'm in New Orleans. We didn't get to this last time because I was so jacked on tea, which, by the way, last week we had. I had, like, podcast vulnerability, where I was. Yeah. I was like, I hope people understand that when you come off tour, it's.

[Valerie]

Like, jacked on testosterone. I was trying to figure out what T was this whole time.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they say low T. I was very high tea.

[Valerie]

A very high tea.

[Pete Holmes]

And I would. And like, the next day after, like, one night and one morning with Leela, I was so much back in a balanced place.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I started being like, God, I hope everyone. I hope you, first of all. But also, complete honesty. I'm like, I hope people hear me being kind to my wife. Like, I didn't want to be too rigid. No, I'm sure it was fine. Maybe we'll listen to. Maybe. Maybe we'll listen to it one day. But what I was gonna say about. And. Because here's. Here's. Here's what it feels like to be an introvert to me. You're at a party with eight people or whatever it was, and there's food and drinks, and it's loud, and it just sounds like 100,000 needles in a dryer.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're sitting there, and you're sort of in a fight flight, locked up place where you can't leave. And then people ask you what you did on your birthday proper, and you say you were alone in New Orleans at a. At a nice hotel, and everyone makes a sad face. And then in your mind, you're like, I'd give anything to be there right now.

[Valerie]

Oh, my gosh.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, the feeling I got, like, that's a happy place for me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying this for your benefit. You already know this my happiest happy place. And I put this on my gratitude journal this morning as well, is that you understand that, you know, the still, quiet kind of. It doesn't have to be always. I mean, we're cackling, laughing, and being loud in our own way, but we're locked in and we're engaged. If you had been with me in New Orleans.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was us ordering room service or going for a walk or whatever it was. That would have been a billion times better. Yeah, of course.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I can be an introvert with you, right? But that not being available, I was an introvert by myself. And everybody that I told that I was alone on my birthday, they were like, they made the sad face, the like pleading, I'm so sorry that happened to you. And you were like, no, the. What you think that was? This is.

[Valerie]

Yeah, well, that's it. Like to me, if I had to spend any of my. I don't think I've ever spent a birthday alone. And if I had to, it would feel like probably how that party felt. Like to you, it would be excruciating.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. And to me, I'll still think about that birthday as one of my best birthdays, my 44th birthday, because I put an earbud in and we watched succession over the laptop and talked just like we were doing. So I didn't feel lonely. Well, let's talk a little bit more. We have to go to the mid rolls. We're late on the mid rolls. But when we get back, I want to talk a little bit about my day in New Orleans and some of the special fun things that happened because I think they're interesting. I think they're good stories. So we'll be back. I think it's two minutes. We'll be back in a couple minutes. Hit it. Healthy hydration, Guys, let's talk about it. It's not about just drinking water. It's about drinking water plus electrolytes, which makes sense. When you sweat, you lose both water and sodium and both need to be replaced to prevent muscle cramps, headaches, and energy dips. But most people are only replacing water. Why? 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Use promo code weird for 15 off. All right, everybody, back to the episode. Okay, I already told you this, but I'm in New Orleans and first of all, I. I said this on stage, but I was like, I had always done drunk New Orleans and this was my first time doing Fat Guy New Orleans.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I love it. I can't remember if you said this on the pod already though last week.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't get to this. Maybe I did. Okay, I might have said that. So for people that just got. Deja vu.

[Valerie]

Deja vu.

[Pete Holmes]

Deja vu. Deja vu. A new shampoo plus conditioner. I feel Deja de ja poo. Wait, Deja poo is when you take a dump, but you're staying at your phone so long that you take a second dump and you're like, didn't I already? I'm having deja poo right now. That was gross. That I might have already said, but I didn't say this. I know I didn't say this because when you were telling your story about Lila, this was one of the things that was causing my agitation was I was like, I really want to tell this story.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Which was my high tea. I, on my birthday, walked around New Orleans. And I. I think I've been honest about this before, that it's just never been my kind of place. I've always stayed in the wrong part of town. There's always, like, the bad side of the open container law, which you just see people, like, 11am on a Tuesday just drinking rum from a plastic cup. And they're alone, and they look like they haven't been insane in four days. And you're just like, is this guy. It's a bender. You're looking at a bender. Like, go home. Like, find someone. Find someone who cares about you. This is breaking my heart. So I was in a good area, and I went for a walk. And it was beautiful. And for some reason, everything was great. Probably because I knew I had a day off. And I was walking around seeing dads in polo shirts tucked into khaki shorts and white socks pulled up and New Balance sleeves, sneakers. And I was like, every dad knows to dress that way when they're a tourist.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wild. It's incredible. Southern or not, everyone. My dad dresses that way, Everybody. And then I went to Canal street, which is there. It's like New York City's Canal Street. It's like, there. It's their French Quarter busy place. And I was just like, I'm gonna get an ice cream. Because I had. I had, like, a. A very normal sushi meal. I know everybody's like, you gotta eat a crawfish fried sandwich. But I was like, I don't want to do that. I'm eat sushi. And then I was like, I should get an ice cream. And I went down the street and I saw a sign that said beignets. And I was like, oh, I should eat a New Orleans treat. Like, I should get something unique to this area, which is a beignet. The joke I did was, it's fried dough. It's just fried dough. It's delicious.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But some French guy went to a carnival and was like, what if we took this and made it difficult to spell? I went in and I'm in line. I just. It's not so much that I love this story. I love what this story says about where I was in my heart. This is my 7 beers, bass player for bread moment.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in the line for a beignet. I see that there's three beignets per order.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's just way too many beignets. That's like a death sentence that comes with a handgun, that order. It's too many beignets. But I want to get one. I'm like, I guess I'll get one. I'll find someone to give two beignets to.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who wants that?

[Valerie]

You're right.

[Pete Holmes]

Hi. Some weird guy. Now you're bored.

[Valerie]

No, I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

You're snoozing.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Story's too long.

[Valerie]

No, it's not.

[Pete Holmes]

You hate it.

[Valerie]

I've just heard it before. I'm into it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's almost over.

[Valerie]

I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

Next to me, these two girls, these two young women line up behind me, and they're having the same conversation. They're going, we only want one, two, three each other. We only want one beignet. But it's three beignets to an order. And I was just like, this is the kingdom of heaven to me. It's this moment of no separation. It's this moment of fearlessness, no anxiety. And that's what I was picking up on in New Orleans. I was like, this is like a social place. Everyone, somehow, this whole town is co conspiring to create an environment where you talk to strangers. How do they do that?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, really? I was talking to Paris, my opener. I was like, how did they do that? You see so much goodwill. You see a lot of other stuff. You see everything, but you see so much goodwill. The majority of it is goodwill. You also see. And my opener, Paris is black. That's important to note. We were discussing how you see black people and white people together way more than I think you see in the North. There's just more interesting social segregation. More tension, more question mark. Obviously, I can't speak to that as a general thing for a country.

[Valerie]

I don't think there's more tension than in the South.

[Pete Holmes]

But see, coming into the South, I'm like, this is the South?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is where all that bad stuff, that bad blood is here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when you're there, you're just like. You see black people and white people of all ages getting along, talking, laughing. Sure, everybody is. But that stands out as beautiful. It's just like, oh, and she noticed it too. And I was like, wow, what is It. It's so cool. I love it. So anyway, these two young women were also black and they're having that conversation and I'm like, I want to get one beignet and you want one beignet. And we just sat down and ate three beignets we like together. It wasn't like they did. They. They took me up like, we'll let you buy the beignets and we'll take one. But in New York or any other place, I feel like, okay, we're going to take it. We're going to leave now. Thank you, weird guy. We sat down and ate them together. We cheers them. We took a picture. I gave. I put them on the guest list to my show. Pretty sure they didn't come. Pretty sure.

[Valerie]

That's cute.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was such a nice. That was my birthday. What's up?

[Valerie]

Why is.

[Pete Holmes]

That's dhl. I got a new jacket.

[Valerie]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm excited about it. I bought myself a birthday present.

[Valerie]

I honestly thought DHL was like a cable company company.

[Pete Holmes]

You're thinking of dsl, which is an Internet speed system. Anyway, sorry. That was such a snooze.

[Valerie]

I loved that. And keep going about your birthday, what you did. That was only the new.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I did my course in miracles lesson in the park and I was watching the leaves blow on the ground sometimes. I don't know. That's. That's what I'm talking about. Like we're back to my birthday. When you quiet things down for me and I can hear leaves on ground blowing. That's just like. It took me a really long time to figure out how to enjoy that. And that. That's my favorite, favorite thing to enjoy.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And I have a little bit of that. But I'm way more likely to enjoy that if the day before I. I stayed up until 1pm and laughed with my friends.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, for sure. But to that I would say I. I was doing shows, you know, Like I. I just come off.

[Valerie]

That's important to note.

[Pete Holmes]

The answer is not okay. You like quiet. Here's all the quiet in the world. I go nuts.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We always come to this point, but I'll say it every time I think it because it became a real revelation of my 40s. I don't want to do nothing. I want to do nothing after I did something.

[Valerie]

Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

It's balance.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's both Makes sense. I had that night last night. Like we just completely like substance free. Belly laughing. Like staying up late belly laughing.

[Pete Holmes]

And I went up to bed immediately.

[Valerie]

Yeah. As A birthday present.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said, my birthday present is no one's gonna give me because I'm going to bed right now.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it was a 1045. Yeah, it was good. Fine. And the Gunners spent the night. Our friends Michael and Lisa and their daughter Amelie and Lulu, their two daughters, but Lulu was asleep. So Michael, Lisa, and Amelie and I stayed up, and they just, like, told me the funniest stories about their family. They're, like, wacky family members. And I. We laughed so hard for, like, an hour. And it honestly had been a while. And I don't. Like, I used. It's kind of a. It is a loss. It's a complicated loss. But I used to do that a lot more when I was smoking weed. That was a really common thing. And that's when I used to have dreams where I was just laughing with friends. And I would be laughing.

[Pete Holmes]

In your sleep?

[Valerie]

In my sleep. It's because that was happening a lot more. And we laugh constantly. We laugh all the time. But that feeling of being with friends and you're just on a full roll for an hour. You're, like, kind of not so stopping. You're just laughing, and you're all laughing, and your tears are coming down, and you're like, cheeks hurt.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just had that hard cut to me. Earplugs in, white noise machine on, Sleeping stiff on my back. And you're like, Mr. Wilson's upstairs.

[Valerie]

But it was. I'm glad we both got the things that we needed.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was in heaven. I fell asleep immediately.

[Valerie]

I love it. I love that journey for you.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that for you.

[Valerie]

But then I got in bed at one with you and Lee, and, like. And I just was like, I've gotten better. Because the other thing is, I am extroverted, obviously, but I can sometimes just be with friends and be so. I can be dissociated because I'm reflecting them. And I'm like, you know, just think. Trying making sure everybody's okay. Kind of energetically, like, what's the vibe here? What's going on? And then I'm not there. And that wasn't it. Like, I was there all night.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why friends are important to you. Not strangers.

[Valerie]

Exactly. Exactly. And I laid down, and my whole body was buzzing, and I was like, oh, you got your favorite thing. It's so fun. And knowing that they were sleeping in the house helped. I loved that feeling. After just being me and Lee in the house a lot, sleeping alone, it is such a distinct difference between when I am falling Asleep, Just me and Leila in this house. And obviously then when you're there, I feel so much better. But then if I have a house full of friends, I swear I sleep so much better.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's funny. And I sleep worse.

[Valerie]

I feel safe. I feel like I'm like a lion and I belong in, like, a dentist, just sleeping, like, draped all over each other.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I get that. I'm more like, when is everyone going to wake up? Like, the anxiety I got when the bill came last night was. Was pretty palpable because I hate it's my birthday. In my. In my world, I'm like, someone needs to pay for that. Like, I don't mean to be to my friends. I'm like, you're putting me in a position where if someone doesn't immediately say, will pay for this. And you guys can venmo me. But Pete and Val aren't paying for this. That didn't happen.

[Valerie]

I know. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I had a panic. Not a panic attack, but I'm like, okay, I will pay for this. And I will tell everyone they don't have to pay me because I can't handle this feeling.

[Valerie]

Yeah. No, it wasn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Secretly, I'm like, I feel like I just sang Happy Birthday to myself.

[Valerie]

That is kind of the move. And it is. It's not like our. I think our friends didn't even know the bill had been dropped. Like, a lot of them. So.

[Pete Holmes]

Which again, my love language would be like, notice the bill is here.

[Valerie]

Sure. Yeah. But that is the move on a birthday is like, can we all split this except for the person who. But then when you ask me, like, what are we going to do? I'm also in the same.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, it wasn't really. I could tell. And, you know, I'm of two minds of it. One is like, everybody drove up. Like, everything that I said after we paid for it was true. You guys came. That means the most. You guys drove up. That means the most. All of that was true. You guys are my friends. It made me feel loved. That's the gift, Right? That's all true. But really, all I'm trying to address is the panic. You don't get that panic alone in the Four Seasons.

[Valerie]

Sure. There's a price. There's some.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a risk. There's a risk.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I have friends sleeping in the house, I notice that there's just a little bit more alertness. Just kind of the style of house I grew up in. When is everyone going to Wake up. What mood are they going to be? Who needs food? There's like attention to me. And I can't wait to wake up before everybody. I realize that my favorite part of a party, I should be the person that goes while the host is setting up so I can talk to the host and then leave when everyone shows up and then come back when they're clean. Cleaning up. Like that would be my best party face.

[Valerie]

But you have also. Which this is what makes it confusing. Like you have also had really great hangs. Birthdays, different events where we've like. Like you said, if those people had been at our house. Yeah, like you've had. I've seen. You have.

[Pete Holmes]

Or just a quieter game night. And also shout out to David Vanderveen who's like me. Like David Vander. Our friend David Vanderveen is a style of me that would be like I saw the bill and I like he'd jump on the grenade. Like in fact, those other years, that's what's happened. Oh yeah, you know what I mean? Except the year. Do you remember the rapper the Game bought our dinner?

[Valerie]

Uh huh. That was so true.

[Pete Holmes]

The rapper the Game.

[Valerie]

I know. Was that the year also?

[Pete Holmes]

Aaron Rodgers? Well, he was buying dinner for Aaron Rogers, but he ended up buying my dinner. Dinner as well. And I've never heard of the game song. I don't even know if you.

[Valerie]

I've never heard of the Game song.

[Pete Holmes]

I've heard game show theme songs. Like that's what I say.

[Valerie]

I think that counts.

[Pete Holmes]

You do the game show theme songs.

[Valerie]

Oh, you're the game show guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, I don't, I don't mean to be crass talking about bread, but that is one of the dreads of the introvert on his birthday.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

The end.

[Valerie]

I know. I wish I had handled that better too.

[Pete Holmes]

But zero, that's not the point of this. The point of this, as you know, is because there's extroverts listening and there's introverts listening, which means everyone can relate to this story.

[Valerie]

I know. This is so not the point. But just to tell you so I don't forget, like most of our friends Venmo'd me after dinner.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's really nice.

[Valerie]

People did pay for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And I know. And some of them gave me cash. So it happened.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it happened.

[Pete Holmes]

It just.

[Valerie]

You were panicking that it wasn't going to happen or how do you handle it? Or what is the. And I. And I think nobody else was also panicking about that. So it felt like, nobody was going to pay attention to it. Which is sort of your thing of, like, it's a protector that you have where you're like. Like people can't be a hundred percent trusted.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Valerie]

So I have to do everything myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

When really it's like, no, you can. You can just let it. Let it go for a minute and just see how it plays out. There was something that just happened like, that recently. Like, I was in a social situation where I was worried, like, these two friends weren't gonna pay each other for karaoke or something like that. And I was like, I'm gonna do something I've never done before.

[Pete Holmes]

Just let it play out and just.

[Valerie]

Walk away and let this play out.

[Pete Holmes]

I realize, well, again, we talk about this almost every week, but it's. It feels anew every time for me. It's not how you feel. It's how you feel about how you feel.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I feel rigid. Remember, we got oysters. I was like, who wants oysters?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, five people raised their hands. So I'm like, okay, six people want oysters. Everybody probably wants four. Let's do two dozen. I don't even know if that math checks out, but I. Yeah. Very quickly disordered. Two dozen. I was like, that's about right. And then they came, and I quickly ate, like, six. Because that's what you do with oysters. They're raw and have to be eaten cold. Listen to me.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is my point. And then they were just sitting there and nobody was eating them. And you were single, pointing out oyster people. What are you doing? But, like, it's not that I'm rigid. It's that I'm embarrassed that I'm rigid. But, like.

[Valerie]

But you're only rigid because you don't feel safe. We all get rigid when we don't feel safe.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

We all have our own version.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I was like, next year, pizzas that we buy. No, bill.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Get five pizzas.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Invite those friends over. Then you get your little microclimates and you can always leave. You can go to the bathroom. Introverts are in the bathroom. Nine times out of 10, it's not even to go to the bathroom. It's just because we love it in there. I'm reading this is a book called the Five Personality Patterns. And my friend Kurt gave it to me, and I'm trying to figure out which one I am. And I think I'm. Yeah. Psychopath, challenger, defender.

[Valerie]

Psychopath.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But is one of the personality number one Is schizoid, creative. The third one is masochist, psychopath, hysteric. Like, none of them are flattering.

[Valerie]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

But it says big energy, will and charisma. Sweet, strong, competent, resourceful. Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise and Voldemort. Most heroes and villains. Difficulty with trusting others and containing yourself. That's me. Typical wound was at two and a half to four years. I don't know when my wound was developmental task at that age.

[Valerie]

Okay, well, but, you know, my therapist says that you have developmental ptsd, so she wouldn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Valerie]

She wouldn't love that I worded it that way.

[Pete Holmes]

She's not diagnosing developmental ptsd.

[Valerie]

That means happened before you had language for it. That's complex ptsd.

[Pete Holmes]

So two and a half to four years.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So it's like. It's so. It's so wired in there and you. It's harder to conceptualize and deal with exactly what the trauma was because either it happened before there was language around it in your own brain to process it, or. Andor it was such a subtle thing, it wasn't one event. It was like an environment that you were in that was traumatic over a long period of time.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, given how sad that just made me, I think you're on the right track.

[Valerie]

I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

1. It says for parents. One parent seductive, one authoritative.

[Valerie]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that crazy?

[Valerie]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Typical wound during survival. Fear. No one was there for them. Willed self to survive. I'm a psychopath.

[Valerie]

You're a psychopath. It's confirmed, according to this book.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it doesn't say you're a psychopath. That's the other name for the aggressive personality type. Effective wound. Feels powerful, but alone. Fears own needs. Fears, betrayal.

[Valerie]

Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

Louisa seeks safety through power.

[Valerie]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Defensive action. Rejects needs. Idolizes power. Dominates and controls others. Great. Typical body shape. Broad shoulders, narrow hips. Well, Right.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The body type that I am is the Samwise Gamgee. Which is funny that that is a body type.

[Valerie]

Is it?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's called the Enduring. Anyway, now I'm just reading you guys.

[Valerie]

What is that body type, though? I want to know.

[Pete Holmes]

The body type of that one is strong, stocky body, heavy hips and thighs. Yeah, I'm actually more soft and rounded.

[Valerie]

No, you're soft and rounded.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Which is what?

[Pete Holmes]

Which is merging. Oral lover, dependent self reliant.

[Valerie]

That's me.

[Pete Holmes]

Marilyn Monroe. It sure is. Hobo. Hobo. But also Bill. I whistled for myself and Oprah. I think I'm merging and aggressive. That's great. So I'm at war with myself.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Default emotion is shame and anger. Shame is merging. Anger is aggressive. This is interesting, guys. If you want to do this for yourself. The Five Personality Patterns by Stephen Kessler.

[Valerie]

It's really great.

[Pete Holmes]

Interesting. We'll do more on that another time. I can't believe you own the same base as me. Can I say something?

[Valerie]

I meant.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

What year did you own it? How old were you? I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'll tell you exactly. I know. I never know things like that. I owned it in 1997.

[Valerie]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it was my second band, Iguana.

[Valerie]

Oh, right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a terrible name for a band.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But can I say one thing about the space?

[Valerie]

Please.

[Pete Holmes]

And I wonder if you're going to relate. It came in a big, black hard case with the.

[Valerie]

Actually, no, I can't remember.

[Pete Holmes]

You might add a soft case.

[Valerie]

I think I had a soft case.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, then this experiment is over, I think. Because what I remember most about that base was I opened the case and there were these little do not eat silica packets that smelled a certain way.

[Valerie]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

And every time I opened it, ice. And the base smelled like that, too. So if I smelled that, I would think of the base.

[Valerie]

I know what you mean, though. Well, I don't know if it was the exact same smell, but I. That base, my case and that base.

[Pete Holmes]

Your base case.

[Valerie]

My base case, and the case in the base had a smell in my face.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. That smell.

[Valerie]

It did have a very specific smell.

[Pete Holmes]

Guys, go ahead and hit us up on Instagram messages if you know the smell of a late 90s Ibanez black base. Yeah, because I think we all were having the same experience. I might be a psychopath, and I deal with anger, and I might have.

[Valerie]

A soft, rounded body.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. By the way, Thomas Merton, this always bothered me. Thomas Merton, the great contemplative. What was it? Trappist monk. He said he gave this talk at a monastery. So he's sort of like the. The father of Richard Rohr's tradition, which is being quiet, being deeply present, and allowing God or the mystery to merge through you in that silence. Like appreciating a rock or a walk or every step you're taking. Very Thich Nhat Hanh kind of stuff. So it's Buddhist as well. But Merton gave this talk where he said, to a bunch of monks, most of you aren't contemplatives, you're just introverts. And I found that deeply challenging.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

That being said, I actually think it's just a nice way of understanding why I'm drawn to the types of spiritual paths that I am. They're all of each and every one of them, without exception, are going. And I think this is true meaning universally and infinitely and divinely true. It's. It's your interstate. It. What you're looking for is inside of you. And if you're an introvert, you're like, tell me more.

[Valerie]

Yeah, tell me more, tell me more. Like, where should I sit?

[Pete Holmes]

That's running away.

[Valerie]

Like sitting, like meditating.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's running so far from church and towards spirituality. And I love it. Literally. This is the weirdest thing I'll say, you know, I love you and you're my life, and you and Leela are my life. And if you watched a sped up video of my days, you would go, this person loves his wife and his daughter. I'm saying that only partially defensive, but preemptively about what I'm about to say. My favorite part of my day is sitting in my chair reading a spiritual thing, meditating, and looking out the window with the sun on my face. Yeah, I can open the window and the sun comes in. I love that it's tied for first, obviously, with beautiful Leela Valerie family moments. But that is as good as it gets for me. Those are both tens out of 10.

[Valerie]

And this makes sense why when I found Mirror by Star and the feminine mystic path was like, ah, all right, there we go. Because that is way more communal. It's like it's in the kitchen cooking with your family. Like, that's the holiest thing ever. And there is. It's also about meditation and mindfulness and being still in quiet. But it's not only that, it's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

The Mirabai Starr's house is the perfect blend of introversion and extroversion. And the times we've been there and I've had a bunch of dinners there and we've gone to parties there where I've known no one. And you'd think I would hate that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's quiet. It's a hobbit's house. I know she lives in a hobbit's house. So if you're gonna be an extrovert, be an extrovert like a hobbit, which means microclimates, areas where you can be quiet and talk to the person next to you. There's still chatter, but it's not noise. It's hard to explain, but it's very womy W o M B and safe and amazing. And everybody feels seen. So there's certain social situations where I'm like, I love this.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not being trapped. I think that was activating and not being too loud. And that was activating. And again, here comes the shame. I just go like, I can't believe that that's who I am. Because I want to be a guy that can. I'd say the first 28 years, until I got divorced and got curious about who I really am, I was just pretending to be a person that was comfortable with everything. So all of this Mr. Wilson Ness, all of this, like, curmudgeonliness is actually the beautiful bouquet of results from asking honestly, what do I need? What do I need?

[Valerie]

What do you need?

[Pete Holmes]

Not what do you think you should need? What does it look cool to need? What do you actually need? So going back to where we started and not being ashamed of dirty jokes or strange things, I will follow my good example, my own advice, and say I'm not ashamed that I figured out what I want. And it's not. It's not the. Yeah, I'm not Flea and you don't. Although I would believe that Flea is an introvert.

[Valerie]

Well, I understand completely how you feel.

[Pete Holmes]

I tried to think of a party.

[Valerie]

Dude because that's how I feel about. About, like, not about being a highly sensitive person. I feel shame around that. Like, I look at people who have things, three kids, anybody who has three kids, and I feel instantly ashamed because I feel like I could never in a million years handle that. And like. And I feel ashamed any. You know, that that's like, deeply a part of. Of our trying to make a decision if we just want one kid. There's so much shame around, like, I. That will be me admitting that I am too sensitive to handle having what most people have. You know, I agree.

[Pete Holmes]

You bring the masculine, patriarchal or whatever gender, typical, I don't know, you bring the boy nonsense into that. The traditional American boy nonsense. You're like, if you only have one, does it look like you're not abundant that you're not like this? Hu. I provide so much.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

And you and I had a little step towards talking about having another kid just the other day. Just ever so briefly. We're like, let's just go into a safe space where we talk about that. And I remember what I said. I was like, let's wait and see what happens with. With work. Like, if this show I'm pitching goes, and then we're in that place of abundance. There's a very good Chance that Ghost of Christmas Presents present Muppet style boy will be like more children. You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

And the reason I was.

[Pete Holmes]

Those things are tied together.

[Valerie]

That's right. And the reason I had a moment of being like, maybe we could is because I had finally had a day off from parenting the day before.

[Pete Holmes]

And God help us, we're going on vacation in two weeks. We're going to be there. We're going to. We're going to get pregnant.

[Valerie]

I know. I already did think that. I was like, I don't think I'm ovulating. Thank God. Because I could totally see us being.

[Pete Holmes]

Like you and I under the stars. I'm full of Canadian muscle relaxers. And. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding, guys. For those of you that are interested in that, I haven't had one since I took them as prescribed.

[Valerie]

Yes, you did Good.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just.

[Valerie]

But you also didn't give them up to me.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I didn't. I absolutely didn't. And that was a little cheeky, but I was like. I kept this. This could be a trap. I don't know. I was like, the. When I hurt my shoulders when I'm traveling, I'm gonna keep them in my traveling bag and then.

[Valerie]

Which is also kind of like a trick when I go away and no one knows a Ben, I'll have them, maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm such a. For better or worse, one thing you know can know about me is I don't keep secrets.

[Valerie]

No, you don't.

[Pete Holmes]

So if I do, I'll tell you. Yeah, it's. It's. It's even. That's kind of embarrassing.

[Valerie]

No, I love that. I think it's very embarrassing.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope Leela has that, too. Cause it's just nice to, you know, feel. You just don't want it to be compulsive.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you. You do it, and then you confess. And even the confession is sort of fetishized.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to do that, but if I took one, I would. I would tell you. By the way, my whole left side is in tons of pain. I slept on it wrong. And I'm going to go take a Canadian whistle. I'm not. I'm even now resisting. I'm like, let's try stretching. Let's try time. I'm not.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I sound like a guy in an intervention.

[Valerie]

There's kind of no way not to, though. You're being. You're trapped.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a guy in a mental ward trying to calmly explain that you don't belong there.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

And there's nothing you can say that doesn't just sound like a guy trying to get out of mental ward. There's nothing I can say that doesn't just sound like a guy who would like to keep those pills in play. Keep them in play. You never know why when you might hurt yourself. You smell. You give me a pill. Pill, pill. All right.

[Valerie]

All right, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

That quite enough of us get out of your iz. This episode is brought to you by Ibanez Ibanez.com weird.

[Valerie]

All right, just keep it crispy, okay? Like, just do.