Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #155
Date: October 20, 2023
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-hosts: Valerie, Katie

Overview

In this laughter-filled, introspective episode, Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie (with frequent chimes from Katie) explore the secret weirdness of everyday life, focusing on parenting, personal trauma, the influence of media on children, and living with one’s “shadow.” The trio weaves between playful banter and deeper psychological reflections, using recent family experiences and Pete’s interview with Rabbi Mordecai Finley as springboards for discussion.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reconnecting, Parenting, and Secret Weirdness

• The episode opens with Pete and Valerie discussing their energy after a recording break, emphasizing the mini-therapeutic function of these chats and the value of reconnecting.
• Valerie is “Whole30-ing,” eating browning apples—sparking Pete’s comedic monologue and teasing.
• The conversation veers delightfully into the weird: the odd feeling of sudden loud noises (startle reflex) and Pete’s self-characterization as a “Victorian ninny” (06:39), leading into discussions about childhood trauma and its behavioral manifestations.

2. Early Childhood Trauma & Startle Responses

• Valerie: “I read that being easily startled is like a symptom of early childhood trauma.” (08:21)
• Pete and Valerie explore how these early experiences follow into adulthood, discussing their parenting approach for their daughter Leela and how trauma surfaces during family routines.

3. Parenting: Guilt, Peer Pressure, and Screen Time

• Pete shares how expectations about “good” parenting (protecting Leela from screen violence or overindulgence) are a minefield of inner and outer pressures, often compounded by peer judgments.

• The group discusses their daughter Leela’s growing interest in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT), reflecting on the complexity of censoring media: wanting to shield her but also allow her experiences.

  • Valerie: “Do you know what I said? It wasn’t handled… beautifully. I just don’t know how to handle…” (18:11)
  • Pete responds: "I think that was beautiful. You were honest." (19:04)

• The challenge of distinguishing between nature and nurture in "boy stuff," violence, and how clean data is elusive.

  • Pete: “You give a lot of boys a stick, they just turn it into a spear... but how can we get clean data on that?” (19:39)

4. Screen Time, Violence, and Micro-Violence

• Pete brings up a poignant insight from Rabbi Mordecai Finley:

  • "He said... the only way to disarm that force... that might be stopping you... is to give wisdom. It can’t handle wisdom." (15:12)

• They reflect on parents’ tendency to signal virtue (“we don’t let our kids watch that!”), arguing that such behaviors can be their own form of “micro-violence.”

  • Pete: “That’s the same type of violence, micro violence, that they’re trying to protect their kids from. So it’s coming in again through the back door.” (24:17)

• Hilarious Moment: Pete’s impression of Sam Elliott as a beef commercial voice, “Micro violence: it’s what’s for dinner!” (24:28)

5. Engaging with the Shadow: Violence, Horror, and Parenting

• Valerie and Pete dive into Carl Jung’s notion of the shadow, questioning if negative energies or fears are “put in us” by media or “drawn out" because they already exist in us:

  • Pete: “These energies are in us, and they crave expression.” (33:11)

• A discussion follows about letting kids approach “the dark side”—scary movies, nightmares, anger—in a safe context, rather than banning or ignoring them:

  • Valerie: “There is an appreciation of the dark side of things and letting that dance.” (34:46)
  • Pete: “A lot of the people I know that love horror movies and stuff are sweeties... very dark comedy are sweeties.” (34:56)

6. Inclusion, Boundaries, and Tricky People

• The trio highlights the modern approach to “stranger danger”—teaching about “tricky people” instead, and the subtlety of dangers found in familiar relationships.
  • Pete: “Look out for tricky people. Because often the people that abuse people are someone you know…” (38:03)

7. Violence, Veganism, and Through, Not Around

• The group reflects on the violence implicit in everyday life—whether in meat-eating, “virtuous” veganism, or social interactions—and the illusion of moral high ground.
  • Pete: “As long as we have battlefields, we’ll have slaughterhouses... the fundamental us vs them, kill or be killed... is what’s going on here.” (48:14)
• The hosts agree on integrating and observing their darker impulses with kindness instead of denial or repression.
  • Valerie: “I think you can go through with kindness. That is true kindness to the part of you that wants to kill.” (55:11)
  • Pete: “You forgive it ... you don’t condemn it or dissociate even from it.” (55:29)

8. Personal Habits, Diets, and Everyday Joys

• Pete and Valerie discuss the impact of the Whole30 diet, fasting, and returning to eating meat on their energy, mood, and anxiety.
  • Valerie: “Both of us have been a lot more even... I just keep having moments where I'm like, wait, am I gonna... am I okay? And I just, like, am.” (61:16)
• They talk about challenges sleep-training a five-year-old, boundary-setting in the family bed, and the importance of attending to marriage alongside parenting.

9. Everyday Addictions and Delight

• The episode ends playfully, with Pete riffing on the joy of being “addicted” to coffee.
  • Pete: "I love being addicted to coffee. People say, don't get addicted to coffee. And I'm like, why not? It's everywhere." (66:42)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Wisdom Disarming Inner Resistance:
  • Pete (paraphrasing Rabbi Finley): "The only way to disarm that force... is to give wisdom. It can't handle wisdom." (15:12)
• On Virtue and Violence:
  • Pete: "If you don't eat meat, and then use that for violence to make other people feel bad, it's the same... I'm eating tofu. I didn't kill the chicken, but I'm killing you." (48:14)
• On Parenting Goals:
  • Rabbi Finley (via Pete): "Isn't your goal really... to have Leela be the sort of person that will come to you when she needs help?" (26:04)
• On Daily Joys:
  • Pete: "I end most days thinking, I can't wait for tomorrow's coffee. It's like such a little sunrise. And I love being addicted to coffee." (66:42)
• On Embracing the Dark and Light:
  • Valerie: "So I will be an ambassador for the light. I just will." (59:07)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:04–04:44 – Banter, Whole30, setting up apples, food talk
• 06:39–08:21 – Startle reflex, trauma, Victorian ninny
• 15:12 – Disarming resistance with wisdom (Rabbi Finley insight)
• 18:01–24:35 – Discussion: TMNT, screen violence, micro-violence, virtue signaling
• 24:28–25:08 – "Micro-violence: it's what's for dinner" (Sam Elliott impression & riff)
• 33:11–34:56 – Theory: negative energies, needing expression, the appeal of the dark side
• 38:03–39:02 – Stranger danger, tricky people, family safety conversations
• 44:23–45:18 – Integrating horror/light-dark, Course in Miracles, violence/beauty
• 55:00–56:18 – Accepting and forgiving the shadow, kindness to all parts of self
• 61:06–61:49 – Even moods on Whole30 and sugar withdrawal
• 66:42–67:36 – Pete’s coffee addiction and delight

Tone & Style

• The conversation flows with Pete’s characteristic warmth, humor, and willingness to be vulnerable. Valerie provides thoughtful reflection and openness about her own journey, especially around parenting and trauma. Katie adds supportive, affirming comments, keeping the energy collaborative and grounded.
• The pace swings from goofy (Sam Elliott impressions, banter) to earnest (discussions on trauma, virtue, the “shadow”), making this episode both entertaining and richly thought-provoking.

For Listeners New to the Episode

This episode is quintessential We Made It Weird: deeply funny, candid, occasionally profound, and always circling the question of how to be a better human—by owning all the weirdness, light, and darkness inside us.

Standout segments: Pete’s reflections on Rabbi Finley’s wisdom, their candid navigation of parenting pitfalls, and the group’s honest grappling with both everyday and existential “weirdness.”

Keep it crispy.