We Made It Weird #184

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #184

Release Date: July 12, 2024

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Overview

This episode of “We Made It Weird” is a deeply personal, introspective, and at times humorous discussion between Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie. While their trademark silliness opens the show, it quickly transitions into a nuanced exploration of trauma, self-discovery, the process of healing, and the roles of childhood coping mechanisms in adult life. The episode takes on the feel of a candid therapy session—a supportive, sometimes vulnerable, and ultimately affirming space for anyone engaged in personal growth or healing work.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comfortable Nonsense and Setting the Tone

• [00:18-02:00] Pete and Valerie introduce the episode by acknowledging that the first segment is intentionally “nothing”—a deliberate, soothing amble to set a relaxed mood.
• Pete: “It’s like a little spa day for your brain. A little bit like white noise just kind of floating down a lazy river.” (00:30)
• Valerie encourages embracing the meandering vibe as part of the show’s charm.

2. Rapid-Fire Banter and Early Weirdness

• [07:01-10:59] The pair riff on the sound of “scruff,” vocal ranges, biblical trivia (ear-cutting stories about the Centurion and Judas), and childhood sleepwear (“sleeper shirts”).
• Lively debate about myth-busting as a possible direction for the episode, which quickly derails into cheeky and at times bawdy riffing:
  • Pete jokes about the meaning behind the Meat Loaf song “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” (11:09)

3. Class, Snobbery, and Cultural Identity

• [18:29-23:47] Both discuss their upbringings—Valerie's Southern, lower-middle-class roots vs. Pete’s snobby, coffee-savoring tendencies.
• Valerie talks about “reverse snobbery” and the pride some people take in “not knowing” certain things—contrasting with the pride of knowing “fancier” things.

4. Trauma Work: Being in the Thick of It

• [23:47-37:00] Pete details how intensive trauma therapy is reshaping his worldview and social interactions.

  • He shares feelings of exhaustion and self-hate that surface in group environments:

    “I hate how much I hate… and in therapy and… how hard it’s been to dig deeper and deeper and deeper and to relive all of this trauma… I really, even right now, am feeling very much in the thick of that.” (25:16, Pete)

• Pete describes a dissociative experience—feeling like there’s a “higher self” longing to be more loving, a realization often encountered in therapy and on psychedelics.

5. Trauma Healing as a Spiritual Path

• Valerie draws insightful parallels between healing trauma and spiritual work:

  “That is what trauma healing is: chipping away all of the mud—the things that were put on you, handed to you, or you developed to survive—and getting down to your gold.” (27:16, Valerie)

• She introduces Tara Brach’s RAIN method ("Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture") as a contemplative tool for processing emotions. (28:49)

6. Inner Parts & Protectors: The Hero’s Journey

• [34:51-52:47] Pete likens his patterns to flying a rickety “trauma airplane” that got him through childhood but no longer serves adult Pete:

  • Valerie: “He just doesn’t know yet that we’re not in that time anymore… We can always say thank you for your input. I’m going to have you sit down in the chair next to me or further down at the table. Yeah, I got this.” (38:43, Valerie)

• They reference the animated film “Inside Out” and “Fight Club” (with Tyler Durden as the ultimate “protector”).

  • Pete: “There’s so many movies like this…some dictator is like, ‘You’re nothing without me.’” (46:48)

7. Boundaries and Self-Reparenting

• Pete discusses real-life challenges with family (notably his mother—being asked to buy champagne for a party) and how asserting boundaries, even in small instances, is an act of self-reparenting.

  • “All these little stands, these little boundaries—even if that wasn’t a fight, it wasn’t a big issue…they’re like, I lifted weights for the first time…because I realized all of these things that we do, self-care things, are to communicate to that child: I got you.” (50:45, Pete)

• Valerie reinforces that “no” to old demands is how the healthy adult cares for the wounded inner child.

8. Gray Stoning: Detaching from Narcissistic Dynamics

• [60:34-65:52] Pete’s therapist introduces “gray stoning” as a technique for interacting with narcissistic people—responding to emotional bait with bland, non-engaging acknowledgment (e.g., “Thank you for thinking of me”).
  • Pete: “To you, a reasonable person, it seems not that big of a deal. To me, I’m like—that’s sheer terror to write.” (66:02, Pete)

9. Pacing, Patience, and Somatic Self-Regulation

• [69:18-79:29] Valerie cautions about rushing trauma healing—recounting her own time needing “weighted blankets and hot water bottles.” They discuss titration (dipping in and out of trauma work), healthy distraction, and the necessity of giving the body/psyche time and space.

• Valerie introduces polyvagal theory—explaining the difference between states of the nervous system (sympathetic, dorsal, parasympathetic) and how healing trauma involves moving from survival modes into a regulated state where real “truth” emerges:

  “It’s just about regulating your nervous system. And once you can regulate your nervous system…that’s when I do that Tony Robbins priming thing…this is the real you…free, unencumbered by the survival mind.” (77:00, Pete)

10. Inclusion and Integration of Inner Parts

• Reference to “Inside Out” again: The goal isn’t to exile any part, but to “include and integrate every single part.” (51:52, Valerie)

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Memorable Quotes

• On Trauma and Compassion:

  “You can meet yourself at, I want to heal this, and, like, you can always have compassion for that desire.” (28:13, Valerie)

• On the Value of Wanting to Get Better:

  “The whole world is built—all of our best things are built from that. Yes. That is the seed… Even in this moment, I'm able to access how gorgeous… everyone listening…can go, like, there is a part of me that wants to get better, that wants to improve. And that's incredible in and of itself.” (31:22, Pete)

• On Healing and Integration:

  “We’re not exiling any part of you. We are including and integrating every single part.” (51:52, Valerie)

• On Surviving and Letting Go of Old Strategies:

  “The airplane belongs in a museum… I've clothed myself in fine linen… I'm looking at the plane with love and appreciation, but I'm not gonna ride it home.” (38:02, Pete)

• On Progress:

  “There’s a man on the seventh rung, and there’s a man on the first rung… the rabbi says, the one that’s still moving forward, the one that's still moving up.” (83:13, Pete)

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Timestamps and Key Moments

• 00:18–02:00: Opening banter and relaxation/“white noise” tone-setting
• 07:01–10:30: Sound games and playful “sleeper shirt” nostalgia
• 23:47–37:00: Pete opens up about therapy work, “hating how much I hate,” and discovering the “higher self”
• 28:48–30:10: Valerie introduces the RAIN method for emotion processing
• 34:51–52:47: Deep dive into inner protectors, parts work, and therapy metaphors (“trauma airplane,” “the museum,” “courtroom” analogies)
• 60:34–66:54: Gray stoning—navigating difficult parental relationships and learning to detach lovingly
• 69:18–75:09: Pacing trauma work, nervous system regulation, and self-care strategies
• 77:00–79:36: The truth of the regulated self—sympathetic vs. parasympathetic nervous system, integrating lessons from spiritual and psychological traditions
• 83:13–84:06: Rabbinical “Two Ladders” story—a teaching on progress and moving forward

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Takeaways & Tone

The episode is a unique blend of warmth, vulnerability, whimsy, and hard-won wisdom. Pete and Valerie combine comic banter with compassionate self-inquiry, offering listeners reassurance that growth—especially trauma healing—is nonlinear, tough, but always worthwhile. The message: All parts of ourselves deserve gratitude and a seat at the table; healing means integration, not exile.

Recommended for: Anyone curious about or struggling with therapy, trauma, inner work, or who just wants to hear two clever, loving people getting real about what it means to heal.

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Final Words

“You will. On the other side of this is freedom and wholeness, and you will expand and you will… your whole life becomes bigger.” (84:06, Valerie)

“Keep it crispy.” (87:23, Valerie)

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End of summary.

Transcript

[Valerie]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. Made it weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

Hi.

[Valerie]

Hi.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew that this one was going to be special. Even when we start, we joke that the first seven minutes are like, almost masterfully nothing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But like, enjoy it. It's like a little spa day for your brain. A little bit like white noise just kind of like floating down a lazy river.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But where this episode goes, I think this was one of our finest. And the tone of my voice right now is the tone of the episode. It's a little bit more relaxed. There's no bit dump at the beginning.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's true.

[Pete Holmes]

I just didn't. Doing all this trauma work and I'm trying to, like, face it and not. I. My interest in, you know, painting over it is. Is going down. And I'm so glad I didn't. I'm proud of this one.

[Valerie]

So glad you didn't. You should feel proud of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we joke in the episode how silly it is. Not silly. How juxtaposed it is to have this energy and to have this be like a really insightful and deep and healing. Really a truly healing conversation. Very similar to therapy and I think applicable to any human living, not just my issues. So it's a gift and value. Our gift. But it's also funny. We acknowledge that. It's funny that I'll be plugging my tour dates now.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we just added some. Where are they? Peteholmes.com you just hit P. It goes right to petehomes.com it's embarrassing. It's because I do this every week. Comedy on State in Madison, Pittsburgh, Improv, Milwaukee, Improv. Oh, we just added Denver. I'm coming back to the comedy works. I'm pretty sure there's others that we haven't put on there, but keep an eye out and they'll all be on peteholmes.com and July 17th is Largo this month. It's going to be awesome. Largo-la.com for tickets to that in LA. August 16th and September 5th and September 26th are the ones after that. Always the highlight of my month. Hope you guys can be there. That's it. Oh, if you like the show, we're gonna roll. I got this joke from Matt McCarthy I'd like to point out, but we're gonna roll that beautiful bean footage of the ads of me talking in a less whatever this is voice. So enjoy that. And Try one we don't like I said we don't have a Patreon. If you like the show, you want to support the show, try one of these products because we really do use them and love them. All right, Katie Bean footage this episode.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

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[Pete Holmes]

This is.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

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[Pete Holmes]

All right, everybody. So glad you are here.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

The sound of the sound. The sound of scruff.

[Valerie]

Of scruff.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Ready?

[Valerie]

Oh, I couldn't hear it that you got the headphones on. It's asmr. Hear that?

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome to. You made it weird.

[Valerie]

Oh, God, turn my phone off. What? What? What? What? What? What's the lowest note you can hit? Is mine lower than yours? No, I would say comfortably that's the lowest I can go.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean you could uncomfortably go lower.

[Valerie]

Oh, let's see. Oh, I can't even fathom lower. I can't even hear lower than.

[Pete Holmes]

At a certain point. Wait, at a certain point. Silence.

[Valerie]

Stop podcasting.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's so funny. Is silence a really high note? It's so high you can't hear it. Or is silence a really low note? So low you can't hear it.

[Valerie]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course silence isn't a note.

[Valerie]

So what are we even talking about?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but if it were, and maybe it is, I think it's a very low note. And then it becomes silence.

[Valerie]

Like, what note? What note is this?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blow that into a guitar tuner and it's like, you having a crisis. Is it crazy?

[Valerie]

Cry Crazy is, I would think, crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think any of the disciples ran in and were like, guys, we're having a Jesus crisis. You're not going to believe it. We were in the garden.

[Valerie]

But it's like the. Let me interrupt this.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wanted to point out that the Centurion gets its ear chopped off. Remember that? Yeah, but remember that little detail?

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. I almost said, but didn't Judas do something to Jesus's ear? Like bite his ear or something? But he didn't. He just kissed him on the cheek and that's how they knew.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Who's the Centurion?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm glad you asked, because my new movie pitch is all about the Centurion. What's he up to? Where is he now?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

Oh, dead.

[Valerie]

Oh, not from ear related wounds, surprisingly, that he. He did a full recovery from that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Jesus healed him in the movie the Passion of the Christ. I don't know if the. If the Gospels. Is there anything worse than going to a Christian college and being surrounded by people that are like, it's not in the Gospels.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's the ultimate.

[Valerie]

It's like the Bible is. Is. I mean, we were taught, like, the Bible is God breathed. So even so that just.

[Pete Holmes]

That gives me.

[Valerie]

I know every word of it is, like, true. But then they're like, but mostly the New Testament and mostly the Gospels. And you're like, well, is it all God breathed or not?

[Pete Holmes]

That is such a great.

[Valerie]

He gave more to the Gospel.

[Pete Holmes]

What note is this? Yeah, Yeah. I love and I need. Well, welcome to the show. I was gonna say. I feel like we need like a. Like something to spice it up. And I was gonna say, like a myth. We're gonna be like a myth busty kind of show.

[Valerie]

Oh, are we?

[Pete Holmes]

And like, a lot of people, like, what is the meatloaf song I would do anything for love about. Okay, 99% out of a hundred.

[Valerie]

This is all coming out of left field.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, for you. For me? I was up all night. 99 people out of 100 say it's about anal.

[Valerie]

No, it's not.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

[Valerie]

I mean, that does sound.

[Pete Holmes]

There's only one for the guy.

[Valerie]

Or a devil's three way.

[Pete Holmes]

Ah, the anal. That involves another.

[Valerie]

You don't have to do anal.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but a devil's three way with anal is. Is referred to as the double devil, and we did a double devil with anal.

[Valerie]

We didn't. No, we just. Please.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I was using it in a sentence.

[Valerie]

Oh, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like. I was saying, I. E. Can you.

[Valerie]

Use it in a sentence?

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of times I'm IE And. And I'm not even letting people know I'm Ian. Like, I'm speaking a Medellin. Medellin, I. E. Medellin.

[Valerie]

What is Medellin again? I know, it's from Entourage.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Medellin, I believe, is. Wait, I'm gonna say this knowing it's wrong.

[Valerie]

I feel already.

[Pete Holmes]

Guavara. Guanaba.

[Valerie]

Oh, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Shay. Look, I'm not trying to be disrespectful. This is a. This is a folk hero. This is like a revolutionary.

[Valerie]

Shay.

[Pete Holmes]

Shay G. It's funny cuz Father Greg knew Shay G. I think it's Che. Che. Michael Ch.

[Valerie]

Ch. Gueva.

[Pete Holmes]

Michael Che Gueva.

[Valerie]

Uhhuh.

[Pete Holmes]

Liberated. Snl.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. There's so many. Well, we. Go ahead.

[Valerie]

I don't remember exactly what it is, but it was something about, like, workers. It was like. Like a union thing because we had. We celebrated Che Guevara Day Day at my college.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, ready? We're gonna ask, what was she Che Guevara famous for? Yeah, I know.

[Valerie]

I knew it from Entourage.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

Che Guevara was famous for being a revolutionary leader and a key figure in the Cuban revolution. He helped Fidel Castro overthrow the Cuban government in the late 1950s. Guevara became a symbol of rebellion and leftist movements around the world.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome to the show, everybody. Thank you.

[Valerie]

Okay, so nothing really about workers except for maybe, like, socialism.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, isn't that kind of a sticky pickle? Because then later, didn't we. This is. This is.

[Valerie]

This is two dumb white people trying to remember.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even think it's that. I actually think the main purpose of the first seven. Seven minutes.

[Valerie]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

Of this episode, which really makes it unique to me. Could be used as, like, a white noise.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or like a.

[Valerie]

It would be more. Yeah, it would be. It's for, like, if you are. And this is something I do. If you are falling asleep alone in a house.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You're scared.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You need to, like, just kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

Feel like there's two idiots.

[Valerie]

Yeah. In your house instead of just like.

[Pete Holmes]

But friendly ones.

[Valerie]

Putting on another episode of Friends like, at a. Too low a volume. Well, let's do this. Let's. The first. I'm gonna say 10 minutes. Cause we got another three in us.

[Pete Holmes]

We definitely have another three. But I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it as a piece of. As a piece of art. I'm gonna say it. Oh, my God, it's fresh. I don't know. I don't know. I stand by everything we do together on this show. And otherwise.

[Valerie]

I did think of a question, and I can't remember it. It's something about childhood. Oh, this is how I prepare for the podcast. I thought about asking you this question.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't wait.

[Valerie]

When you were a kid, did you sleep in giant shirts and did you call them sleeper shirts or what did you call them sleeper shirts? Yeah. Because I slept exclusively in underwear and giant shirts for my, like, my whole childhood. And whenever.

[Pete Holmes]

Whose shirts were they?

[Valerie]

Well, that. Great question. My mom would sometimes buy me extra big shirts to sleep in. Or most of the time it was like, when you get, like, poor man's PJs. I guess.

[Pete Holmes]

So no disrespect.

[Valerie]

Like, when you get, like, a camp shirt or, like a, you know, like a free shirt. And my mom, this phrase is just, like, such a big part of my childhood. Is my mom going, well, that would be a good sleeper shirt.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm gonna join you in the parlor for this one and say we didn't call them sleeper shirts.

[Valerie]

Okay. You're really joining me.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. I'm halfway in the parlor. I have one foot in the coat room.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

One loafered foot in the parlor. Because once you're in the parlor, get loafers on.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sleep shirt. Sleeper makes me think of sleeper cell, which makes me think of terrorists.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, in giant, oversized PJ shirts, laughing and hitting each other with pillows and forgetting the whole scheme.

[Valerie]

Adorable.

[Pete Holmes]

They forgot about it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they were like, this is good.

[Valerie]

That's the magic of the sleeper shirt.

[Pete Holmes]

And the sleeper cell. Splinter cell.

[Valerie]

Splinter cell.

[Pete Holmes]

So sleep shirts and. Yeah. I have a lot of memories that are kicking up, but I'M making a pledge today. We're busting myths, right?

[Valerie]

I guess. I mean, you said we were busting myths, and then you told an untruth. An untruth about meatloaf.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that song's not about anal, I guess, but two. I'm trying to be fresh and knacked. Fresh and naked to be meaning naked, please.

[Valerie]

Which we also called it naked.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Take that sleeper shirt off. I want to see you naked.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I'm just realizing how Southern my family is.

[Pete Holmes]

I haven't tried it, but I was just in Texas, and I wanted.

[Valerie]

He also used to say wrassle in the. Instead of wrestle.

[Pete Holmes]

Wrassle.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I don't know why that one bothers me. The other ones don't bother me. Wrassle is too much. It's a bridge too far.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wrestling.

[Valerie]

I mean, I think we were joking.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

We would say it.

[Pete Holmes]

A lot of things are jokes, and then they stop being jokes. Like saying wrestling. Yeah, but I was just in Texas. I should have done it, but I didn't. Did we talk about this on the pod? How whenever I'm with your side of the family that are Southern, I feel like they're playing like, oh, I'm not a city slicker. Like, yeah. They'll be like, I don't. Well, Keesh. I don't know about no keesh 100%. But then they do know, and they go, what's quiche? Like, like an egg pie?

[Valerie]

Like, you put a.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a pie crust, and you put, like, savory, like, greens, maybe onion, garlic, maybe goat cheese, and bake it for, like, 400. 400 degrees.

[Valerie]

I actually do have a great recipe somewhere from Barefoot Contessa.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. And then they're like. I call that slop second or something.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, that's quiche.

[Valerie]

Well, that we've run into this a little bit with our. Our relationship, because I don't have it in, like. So they. They do take pride in being like, I'm just simple country.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they. You do know.

[Valerie]

It's like reverse. Almost reverse snobbery, where it's like, yes, like, you are the same way a snob would be proud of knowing the finer things. Texan.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, we're out of. We're out of the sleepy portion because I am fully engaged.

[Valerie]

And they want, like. They just, like, they feel proud of being like, well, I don't know much about history. I don't know biology.

[Pete Holmes]

We've talked about this before. Where he goes, don't know what a slide rule is for. Yes, you do.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you do.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

It does the multiplication tables.

[Valerie]

I can't even use a door.

[Pete Holmes]

He gets, like, the first draft.

[Valerie]

That's like, Whitmer Thomas.

[Pete Holmes]

What is my.

[Valerie]

I just, like, blanked on his last name for a second.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Whitmer Thomas.

[Valerie]

Yeah. He has a really funny, like. It's kind of like a cute folksy duet, but it's like. They're like, really.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is Chair.

[Valerie]

Yeah. What is Chair? Chair. And there's something like cargo room or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Anyway, check out that song, because it is.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just gonna say we're not gonna play it. We can't remember it, so we're going back into the white noise.

[Valerie]

But I do love it. Okay. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We were on something interesting.

[Valerie]

So country people take pride in not knowing things. And you and I have run into that. I don't know if I have it in the Southern way, but I have it in the. Being raised, like, you know, lower middle class to. Then just like, pretty middle class, where when we dated, you know, when we, like, first met, I was like, you know, going to Jack in the Box all the time. And. And, like, still. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was having sex with a woman who was running on Jack in the Box.

[Valerie]

Well.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. That is a joke, by the way. But I didn't. I didn't know that that that was your lifestyle. Not that that's a lifestyle.

[Valerie]

I mean, I was also. You were 23, so I was like, a stoner and poor and. Yeah, I needed, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know.

[Valerie]

I mean, I also had a master's degree. Okay. So I wasn't just like that.

[Pete Holmes]

No, this. This actually informed what we were talking about. I grew up thinking that Jack in the Box was a lifestyle. You know what I mean? And the. The way that stuff. Snobbiness shows itself. So whereas your. Some of the people would be like, what's that? La Eggpah. Right. For quiche. The snobby version is. I've never up until a certain age, I would just pretend I knew what things were. You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

And there was no kids would talk about or. What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

In a restaurant. We're still in the food realm.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

You know, so, like, you'd order the.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I charcuterie. And there'd be, like, one charcuterie, and you're like, I think it is charcuterie.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's charcuterie.

[Pete Holmes]

Charcuterie, yeah. Barbecue barbecutery. Yeah, we're having a BBQterie. So you order it and then it would show up and you'd be like, oh, it's just deli stuff.

[Valerie]

So you would order things that you didn't know what they were.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure.

[Valerie]

Because you couldn't order.

[Pete Holmes]

Or, you know, pre iPhones and stuff. If you were just reading a menu and it said some word, you just. You were like, I guess I'm going to find out what frise is.

[Valerie]

Okay. See, I didn't go to restaurants where I didn't know what that were so fancy that I didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

That's Jack in the Box. Jack in the Box. We're not gonna condescend to you or we're not even. We're not gonna challenge you either. I'm just kidding. I don't think it's actually challenging or good. I want you to know, in this moment, I'm taking no pleasure in being, like, raised by snobs and snobby. I actually think it sucks. There's a lot that's shitty about it. In defense of snobbery, I was actually just thinking about this. When I go on the road, I like to go to a really nice coffee place and I get a double espresso and I savor it, and I love it. And that's like my Frasier, like, experience. And that isn't just snobby, you know, it's. It's like a very present, deliberate, ritualized kind of thing. You know what I mean? And I love it. So I like that. Snobby stuff can be tied to enthusiasm and appreciation and understanding and context and history. But when. When I'm culture, I guess, doing all of this trauma work that I've been doing, which is why the pod, you know, this episode, I'm like. I'm like, low, you know, I've been just breast adjustments.

[Valerie]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

I know it's not a video podcast, but I'm looking at you.

[Valerie]

Well, you're my husband.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I just wanted to address was very.

[Valerie]

I didn't even notice.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it. I've been realizing I didn't tell you about this, but in therapy, I was talking about how much I love being alone. And not always, but specifically, I always say my favorite place is in the morning. I get my coffee and I do my reading and I might meditate or just sit quietly or whatever it is. And I love that. And it's because, like, when I get with other people, all of these programs that I didn't necessarily install, well, I'll just Say, I didn't install, start running. And they're really tiring. They're exhausting. And they're also demoralizing. Meaning, like, one of the things I said to my therapist was a thought that I had had a couple days ago, which was, I hate how much I hate. Like, and I don't mean, like, real hate. Like, when you see hate, when people are like, stop hate. They mean like, horrible racism and bigotry and oppression. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about just like, shut the fuck up. You know, like, just like. Or worse, more subtle. You're an idiot. And we've talked a lot about this on the show. How I struggle with that and how I love loving. And I. And. And in therapy and. And how hard it's been to dig deeper and deeper and deeper and to relive all of this trauma. And it is. I am not an advertisement for it being easy or fun. I definitely feel like it's good, but it weighs on me all the time. And I really, even right now, I'm feeling very much in the thick of that. But I'm trying to like, oh, I was appreciating how beautiful it is that there is this aspect of myself that is apart from my conditioning and it's not informed by the survival mind. It pre exists fight and flight and freeze. It also pre exists any sadness and stuff. And that you could call it my higher self or whatever, wants to be more loving. And in therapy, I. And even though it's very difficult, I can extol its virtues as well. I was like. Like a psychedelic trip. I've had moments like this on psychedelics. I'm like, oh, my God, I want to be better. And it was so beautiful.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, he want, like, you know, kind of dissociative, but like, Pete wants to be better and, you know, a lot of crying and a lot of, like, you know, a little bit of healthy victim ness. It's really hard for me to be a victim. I don't want to play that card in a social way, but a feeling of like, he wants to be good. He wants to be loving. There are these things that are in the way. Some of them are trauma responses, overreactions. But there's this, like. And you were with me when I did mdma, and I had a very similar, like. But if you sweep away the leaves, my streets are paved with gold.

[Valerie]

Of course, everybody. It's the golden Buddha thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. That's been covered in mud.

[Valerie]

Yeah. That is what trauma healing Is. Is chipping away all of the mud. The things that were put on you, handed to you, or you developed to survive.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And getting down to your gold.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so good. And I'm blown away with how similar it is to spiritual work. Keep going.

[Valerie]

And I mean it. I think it is spiritual. And, oh, gosh, there's so many threads. I'm, like, losing all of them.

[Pete Holmes]

Loom it.

[Valerie]

Okay, so. So the. The feeling of healing. Well, first of all, you said he, you know, he wants. I want to be better. That's such a good place to meet yourself when you can't have. When you can't just instantly access compassion for, you know, shadow self or parts of yourself that are harder.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You can meet yourself at, I, I want to heal this or I want to address this. And, like, you can always have compassion for that desire.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

And that's like a good Tara Brock, who's one of my great teachers. You know, I've. I've talked about rain so much on this podcast, but I haven't in a while. And rain is a practice where you sit and process your feelings. It's like a contemplative practice, but for your emotions.

[Pete Holmes]

You can tell people, because I forget every time.

[Valerie]

Recognize, recognize, accept, investigate, and nurture. So recognizing is just pausing and saying and recognizing. You know, it could be something like a concept like, I hate when I hate, or I hate how much I hate. Or it could be. I think, let's just say that because it could be just like a feeling like, I have anxiety in my body. But if you. You recognize I hate how much I hate, and then you accept it. So you go, okay, that's. That's the reality right now. Can I allow? Actually, it's not even accept. It's allow, which is slightly different. Like, that's what's showing up right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Accept a big ask. Allow is a big ask. Easier. Allow is like, stop doing anything. But accept is, like, more active.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Allow is like, surrendering to it. And that's the part where she says, you just find whatever is on top. So if I can't allow, if that feels, like, unacceptable to me, that I hate sometimes or that I have hate, then you can start by, but I want to heal this. And, like, that's what I was saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Is, like, when you think you have nothing, and often I do, I feel like I'm sort of being swept away by a river. My therapist is wonderful, and I feel supported by you as well and my friends, but, you know, you still kind of can feel underwater, and you're like, I don't have anything. I'm. I'm to swap analogies. I'm in the dark woods and I didn't bring anything. I don't even have a little lunch. You look in your pockets and you pull out lint, and then you realize that the lint is actually. It's not lint. You have something very valuable, which is you're doing this because you want to get better. And holy shit, the whole world is built. All of our best things are built from that. Yes. That is the seed. Yeah. It's not lint. It was seeds. And the seeds might not look like anything right now, but it's the best seed in the world. And it's the seed of how gorgeous. Even in this moment, I'm able to access how gorgeous. Then the reason I was excited to share it is I bet everyone listening, no matter where they're at, can go, like, there is a part of me that wants to get better, that wants to improve. And that's incredible in and of itself.

[Valerie]

That is exactly right. That desire is the. The energy of life. Like, that is what life is. Is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Constantly evolving and healing and moving forward and, you know, and then it's also.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Dissolving and decaying. But it's. But it's like a beautiful. It's the force that makes life exist because it's creative.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

It creates.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And you're creating a new. New neural pathways, a new nervous system, a new body.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's even too much for me to think about. Like, when. When you talk about that, I don't believe you.

[Valerie]

Okay, well, like.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's a real. Like, I'm not saying that to heighten the drama.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm over here going, like, there's a real chance that this will break me. And, like, because I'm a real, like, find the bright side kind of guy, I'm like, at least I'll get to rub it in everyone's face and be like, I knew this would fuck me up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And here I am. I can't create. And honestly, Val, I'm not doing great today. I was in here trying to write, and I was like, no, this isn't really very. It's okay.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was like, see?

[Valerie]

Okay, so I'm so glad that you said that, because that's exactly right.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm glad. My pain. I'm just kidding. I know.

[Valerie]

I mean, that's just, of course, like, you're right on track. You are entering or sort of in. You know, have. Have entered the mouth of the cave where it's complete darkness. Like. Like the dark night of the soul is Christopher Nolan, where you can't even see yourself. Like, it's so dark. You have lost even, like, your. Your own hands, your own self.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't see your hand in front of your face.

[Valerie]

For the trees, of course. Yeah, exactly. So of course you. You don't believe. And then honestly, like, the longer you're in the ca. The cave, the more you kind of forget if you've ever seen light. And all of that is okay. And not only okay, that's correct. And not only that, but millions of people have been in that place.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. That's so. I really didn't know what you were gonna say, and it made me smile.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so interested. Sorry to sidebar. In what? Like, I actually like. You know how I. By the way, I saw. I wanna watch it. There's a YouTube video about how, like, trauma surpassing survivors, like, are mysteries to themselves. And I'm like. I was like. I spent a lot of time going, like. And that's why I'm so drawn. We've been talking a lot about Matt Johnson on Nirvana, the band drawn to passionate people that have these really clear compasses that seem to have, like, a sense of themselves and go, like, you know what you like, and you make what you like. And I'm over here going, like, how much? For those of you just joining us, I'm doing trauma work, right? Like, they just turned the radio on. But I'm just saying, like, I'm wondering, as I'm in the dark cave, there's someone who, like, didn't want to go in, or there's a guy saying, let's leave the cave. There's an aspect of myself going, of course, protector. Was our strategy so bad. That's what he said. He's like, here we are in the dark.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, guys, I'm not saying this in hindsight. It's my current experience. He's going, didn't you see what I did with our broken airplane? I flew it. I actually flew it. And I can. One of the things I find so interesting about this work is I can very visual instantly picture that airplane. It's got kind of one of those da Vinci leather winged wings. It's like a. It's like a biplane, like a Snoopy, like a Red Baron. Anyway, and it's just dilapidated and broken and whatever. So they're going, like, didn't you see and this is the other point I was going to make is I look at my strategy through life and how I don't necessarily know what to do creatively. And I'm like, well, is it because you're no longer in that trauma place? Like, when I was in a trauma place, I was like, just do the things that get you the most money and affirmation. And as one of the things that's interesting, as I'm doing this work, I'm getting a little bit more interested in what I actually want to do instead of what will keep and placate my surrogate parents. Show business. Like, I placed the authority that I had on my parents onto, like my success as an actor. Whatever creative. Does that make sense? So then I started, like, cowtailing. Is that the expression to it? Because that was a familiar broken pattern. And now that I'm in the dark, there is a bit of a reset where I'm going, like, I'm watching you making your independent film. I'm watching the movies that Matt Johnson made that are clearly these passion projects that are not at all about show business. They're so much more punk rock and real. And that stuff is becoming so much more appealing to me than just like, if I do this, then show business will continue letting me board in its. In its motel.

[Valerie]

That's right. Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

Did that make sense?

[Valerie]

Yeah, it did. The, the. So your protector, who's saying like, hey, I built this perfect. I built this airplane. Airplane. And it's flying. What are you doing? That protector is right. That at. At the time that he was developed, that was a hundred percent the right thing to do because you were a child and you couldn't, you couldn't face everything. You didn't have the equipment or the resources to face the pain that you carry.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

So he's. He. We can acknowledge that he is right for that time period.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

He just doesn't know yet that we're not in that time anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I put it this way? The airplane belongs in a museum.

[Valerie]

It belonged to.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't even mean it that way. But it's a museum that grown up Pete.

[Valerie]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Can visit in a nice suit.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

With my family.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't wear suits, but metaphorically, like, to show, like, look, I've clothed myself in fine linen.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm looking at the plane with love and appreciation, but I'm like, I'm not gonna ride at home.

[Valerie]

That's exactly right. And anytime you get voice like that, which will disguise itself as your Singular voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Anytime a part comes out and says their perspective, they are doing it like in your clothes, making you believe that that is 100% you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You can always say thank you for your input. I'm gonna have you sit down in the chair next to me or further down at the table. Yeah, I got this. And it is a degree, there is a huge degree of trust. Like on the other side of this is freedom. So yes, you did your protectors and your whole. All of your parts did such a good job at making you successful in spite of the fact that you had complex ptsd but. Ptsd pdsd, but standard deaf. That wasn't freedom. That was. That was an intricate system that worked and was very fragile. Like meaning, you know, certain things would make you quick to fear or rage or you know, this is the leaf blower person.

[Pete Holmes]

Or a text, you know, like a text from one of my parents will. Like, I thought that was totally normal, that people just licked a 9 volt battery when they saw a text.

[Valerie]

Exactly so. And I only bring those elements up to remind that part of you, like this wasn't a sustainable thing. It was just to get us through. You know, like you, after you cross the river, you get out of the boat and you.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never heard that.

[Valerie]

Oh yeah, that's an expression.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it sounded like an expression after you.

[Valerie]

I've heard it in used for different.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe I have. Yeah. Don't carry the boat. Yeah, I've heard it in terms of spiritual enlightenment.

[Valerie]

That's what I've heard it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But I. But I think it applies even more here.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Sorry to keep saying it, but the parallels are. Are incredible.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. And so. Yeah. So what was the thing? Oh, I was just saying I. My own version of this was, you know, I'm a enneagram9 which like we hate discomfort, we avoid it at all costs. And as a result our common way of coping is totally dissociating and sleepwalking through life. And when I started this work, I was just like you, feeling everything. Feeling like it was overtaking my whole life, my day to day. And I was, you know, afraid that I would never return. And I thought, and I remember daily thinking, like, why is being dissociated so bad?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's what it is, is like we repressed our childhood and we. It's almost like we poured concrete in it and we made a block and then we stepped on that block and climbed up onto a staircase. Again, the visuals come very easily, like a. Like a fancy staircase, like A special hard to get at luck. Whatever you want to say. Like, incredible staircase. And we got on it by jumping on a concretized. Love that word.

[Valerie]

Concretized.

[Pete Holmes]

A concretized trauma room.

[Valerie]

It fell apart at the end, but yes, yes, I'm with you.

[Pete Holmes]

So good. But then. But then, like, what kind of dingus. And I'm joking, but like climbs down the staircase and jackhammers the concrete and starts sifting through it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But one of the things I'm noticing is a more defined understanding. This is very simple. Of like, who I am and what I want. That feeling of like, I don't know what I want is really a scary feeling.

[Valerie]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think about it all the time.

[Valerie]

You can't know who. What you want when you're.

[Pete Holmes]

When you haven't met yourself.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And you're protect. That's the problem with the protectors, is that they are keeping you from yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

They're keeping other people out too, but they. But they can't do that without keeping you from. From yourself. So you are. You know, that's what's cool. Is like using the hero's journey metaphor for trauma healing is that, you know, in the hero's journey, you meet all these teachers and helpers along the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Morpheus.

[Valerie]

Exactly. And at a certain point in the journey, you realize all of those helpers. I mean, there are people outside of you that are the helpers, but a lot of those helpers are also you. They're parts of you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And. And so you are, like, gathering yourself together right now. You are fragmented. That's how everybody is who's experienced trauma. And you are gathering the pieces of yourself to make yourself whole. So it's just like trusting that on the other side of this is freedom and wholeness.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it. And I hear you. And the highest part of me goes like. And that golden boy is the one who wants to get well, who knows that even though it's hard, it's good. Who trusts. When I look at a picture of me as a child, that lightness, that airiness, like spaciousness, the creativity and the joy, like, he's okay. He's good. You can trust him. One of the other pitfalls of uncovering yourself is. Is when, as I've been going through this is, I. I've been feeling a lot of freeze. I don't know if you've noticed, like, I get real quiet for long periods.

[Valerie]

What if I was like, no, I haven't.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, honestly, I'd be like, yeah, I guess. But no, I'd be. I would be surprised. And I go, like. And then another voice goes like, this is the you you're uncovering. Is it broken? Traumatized? It's like, wouldn't you rather be slick? And I feel like I've said that on this pod before, but it's like, be slick. Sell ShamWows. You know how we've talked. I'll say it as many times as I can think to. It's like I've learned to fawn. Like, fawning is a big thing. And it's always, you know, finding a sincere way to appreciate someone and then ingratiating and all that stuff. And fawning is done me. Well, when I say I fawned over Conan, I did it in a very cool and sincere way. But that's. My strategy, is like, I'm a huge fan. I admire what you do. All of that is true. Like, Conan listens to this, like, hey, hey, hey, fella. But I'm worried that the Persona that I created, like, the airplane of a slick, gregarious. And then look at all these other good things I'm gonna put in there. Not that being slick is necessarily great, but, like, funny, engaging, interesting, powerful, intelligent. All of these things. I'm like, yes, go ahead and redefine yourself. None of that shit comes with the brokenness. It's stuck to the brokenness.

[Valerie]

That protector has done such a good job. I didn't. Like, it's doing a great impression of you. It's. It's taking over, and it is. It makes a really compelling argument, and so does everybody's. By the way, this is what I mean by, like, there's. There's sort of these fragmented parts of you, and they all are saying, I'm Pete. No, I'm Pete. I'm Pete. And that projector is like, this is everything. This part of me that won't look at my pain is everything you love about Pete is attached to me. And that isn't true.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. I mean, there's so many movies like this. I know it seems so obvious, but, like, where some dictator is like, you're nothing without me.

[Valerie]

Yes, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you. You need me. Yeah, it's Tyler Durden, too. It's like. It's Fight Club. You knew that.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He has to shoot himself. Nobody. He shoots himself through the cheek, I guess, to kill Tyler. And Tyler was like, you're nothing without me. Never considered.

[Valerie]

That's really interesting. Yeah, I hadn't made that comparison either, but it is. Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And he is a protector. Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

Protector.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd say I need to rewatch Fight Club, but I've seen that movie so many times.

[Valerie]

You got it?

[Pete Holmes]

I got it. I can rewatch it right now. I am done. It was good.

[Valerie]

Yes. Yeah. And sometimes it's helpful to give your.

[Pete Holmes]

And Meatloaf's in that movie.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. His shirt falls off. And look, there's no updated term on fat suit. So I'm going to say it. He's wearing a fat suit. Underneath it, under his shirt, and his pants fall down, and you can see his fat suit.

[Valerie]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

It's worth a goog.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's really helpful to give these parts names, and you could name this part Tyler Durgen, but it's just because it's helpful to have, like, the image of what they're doing. So.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's the thing is it's really safe to assume that only good comes from healing. There's a lot of hard things that happen along the way, but you don't stay there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So, like, it really is like, how can healing be bad?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And the parts of you that you love.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you're. I know. And it goes like, we're gonna take the bandages off after the healing, and we're gonna hate, and it's gonna be this fucking dull.

[Valerie]

But here's also the thing is, you'll be able to fawn still. You'll. You'll be able to seek approval from an audience. Like, those parts of you will still exist. There'll just be a little bit more awareness and choice about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Where you're like, do I want to dip into this skill that I. Through wounding. It's not like you're gonna be unrecognizable.

[Pete Holmes]

And remember, my mom kept saying, buy champagne for. For my party. And remember I said, mom, you only want me to do that so you can brag to your friends that your fancy boy bought champagne for the party. And I just said very calmly, that's not an interesting reason for me. That's not interesting. I'm not interested in doing that. And why that seems so important to me, I'm realizing in this therapy is like, all of these little stands, these little boundaries. Even if that wasn't a fight, it wasn't a big issue. My mom sort of teased me about it a thousand times, but they're like, I lifted weights for the first time in probably months, certainly months yesterday. And the reason was because I realized all of these things that we do Self care things that we do are to communicate to that child. Like, I got you. So I was like, sometimes I look at a guy's biceps, I'm like, those look stupid and I don't want those. And then so I don't work out. But when I go, I want to show my child that I'm a grown man and I. I'm taking care of my body, not trying to puff up. I'm not like, not taking care of. I want to be strong. I just want to be strong.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And like working on my, on everything that became very interesting to me. And, and the boundaries with my mom.

[Valerie]

That's right. And having boundaries. And it is parent. It's re parenting yourself. You can repair parent yourself. Other people can reparent you too. So you are saying I'm gonna be the strong and good and kind adult that you need.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That you needed and that you still need.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's, that's what my therapist's name is, Claudia. She keeps saying, it's like, just tell them thank you and I've got it. And we're not even firing them. No. It's like, I see the airplane. That's a really good airplane.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. They all get a seat at the table. They are not ugly or bad. They served such a good purpose. And that's why even. That's why you won't lose, you know, your slickness or your funniness or your fawning or your, your business savvy. Because all of those parts still get to sit at the table.

[Pete Holmes]

Table.

[Valerie]

We're not exiling any part of you. We are including and integrating every single part.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's like inside out. We want a nice civil room. We don't want anyone running over to the control panel and banging on the buttons or freezing it up or locking it out or, you know, when it turns black.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly. And they all. That's a perfect image. They all are still going to be a part of you. You're still going to hear their perspective.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

You're still going to sometimes accidentally identify with them where they're running the. The board.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's okay. It's just about coexisting with them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And. And honestly learning to allow and even love their contribution.

[Pete Holmes]

One more and then we'll go to the break and you'll hear me do the ads in a much more enthusiastic voice. I am enthusiastic. I'm just very. I'm trying to be honest.

[Valerie]

It's so beautiful, baby. Your sharing is really, really courageous and very unquestionably. Very helpful to people.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope so. The trailer for the best Christmas pageant ever came out. And then my mom called me and she was like, call me. It's very urgent. There's something that you forgot to. To mention. It had like, the tone of like, something serious happened. And I told my therapist, I was like, I knew instantly that she meant the trailer to the crazy. Because I was like, my brother and I are absolute black belts in deciphering something that has none of the information. There's nothing in it. I go, my mom is calling me and it's this sort of message. And you go, and, well, the trailer came out as probably that, but you're considering 19 other things. Yeah, but, you know, I know that sounds very basic, but like, my brother and I, hyper vigilant, could take any sentence and tell you pretty accurately what it was leading to. A fight or this or that or that, or is it a good time? Bad times. This is. Whatever, still doing it. And she goes, why didn't you tell me? And I thought about that. And that was another breakthrough was I was like, oh, I'm not a bad son. Like, I realize I have, like, inside out is like, you're being a bad son because you're not giving them what they want because of some. Why just do it. And I go like, the. The feeling is like, why is. Because there's nothing. This isn't a safe place.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

I know that sounds crazy and it's super hyper personal, but, like, I hope it's helpful. Is like I had this, like, breath of oxygen, like being resuscitated. I know I've used that image before. Like I'm. I've drowned in this bullshit and this story, and someone's blowing you and this work. Blowing air into me, and then you choke up some water. And it's like this feeling of, like, clarity of like. Of course you don't call your mom and say this, because honestly, it hurts when she likes it. Because I'm like, of course you like it. It's like a religious. It's got like a religious story.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So that hurts. Hurts when you don't like it. Like when she watched my Netflix special and was like, aghast.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, this isn't safe. Yeah, this isn't safe. And even saying that to you feels really good. So I'm telling my child we're not doing that anymore. We don't text mommy when the trailer comes out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's. So after we're going to listen to me with more energy, read the ads, and then when we come back, I want to talk a little bit more about that specifically.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And something that was, I thought, really interesting because in therapy, I was like, I won't be able to do that. She was like, you should do this. And I was like, I can't do that. And I was like. I was like, I think I will. But, boy, what you're. Every alarm bell is going off saying, this woman's crazy.

[Valerie]

Ooh, I can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, we'll be here. I'll intro the ads in my normal voice. So we'll be right back, guys. Just take five seconds. Is this it?

[Valerie]

No, that was like an MTV voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. That's like a vj. All right, we'll be right back. I just wash my hair with shampoo. And I just wash my hair with modern mammals. Which is why it doesn't look like a bale of hay you just took out of the microwave. Hey. Exactly. Modern mammals washes your hair, but it leaves the natural oils you need for it to look perfect and in control. Wait, but it's not a shampoo. It's like a shampoo, but it's like a non shampoo shampoo. But it cleans your hair like shampoo, but not shampoo. Cause it won't dry it out like a shampoo. A non shampoo shampoo that'll clean your hair like shampoo, but won't dry it out like shampoo shampoo. I think that's good. That's like, our new slogan. Thank you. It's probably too many words. Modern mammals, a non shampoo shampoo that'll clean your hair like shampoo, but won't dry it out like shampoo shampoo. That really scared me. I have a lot of power here. I can see that. Can you make me taller? I'm here for hair stuff only. Okay. Yeah, sorry.

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[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, what do I say when you close the tunnel?

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Pete Holmes]

All right, back to the show. The thing that my therapist told me about. Welcome back, by the way. What's up?

[Valerie]

I don't know. Nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just checking the time.

[Valerie]

Yeah?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

I mean, you know, just go, Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

Sure. I'm feeling more like myself. These conversations are Always so helpful. And therapy once a week is wonderful. But, like, clearly I'm in need of more processing. I'm like, velveeta. I need a lot of processing. I'm proud that I thought of a highly processed feature food so quickly.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, she told me about something that is a technique when dealing with people with narcissistic tendencies. She just said narcissist, but. And maybe you've heard of it, but it's called gray stoning. And as soon as she said it, I was like, oh. Because I realized one of the strategies, one of the old airplane moves is. And I've even sort of extolled the virtues of this strategy. Remember, I've said many times, like, what I do now with. With my dad is I stay ahead of it and I'll pre fawn is what I call it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Whereas fawning was usually kind of like a way to keep things from getting shaky. When they looked like they were getting shaky, I would pre fawn and I'd send out these texts. And even as I'm saying this vowel, I'm like, I can't stop doing that. That's ridiculous. Like, I get a real shock of fear. It's like, what are you, nuts? This keeps things stable.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So. And. And I can even find an element. And I know I'm talking out of this, like, not fully formed part of myself, but I'm like, there's even an element of. It's true. Like I said about Conan. Like, I can find things that I truly admire.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

And respect about my dad, and I share them with him. What's wrong with that? That's the lawyer saying, what's wrong with that? Don't we think our dad is inspiring? What's wrong with texting him? You're an inspiration to me and everyone you meet. What's wrong with that? And, like, this poor lawyer on the other side, this new guy who's, like, trying.

[Valerie]

He's, like, fresh out of law school. Yeah. With papers.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I mean, it's funny. I picture him as a young clear me. Like, he has the winning case.

[Valerie]

Okay. Got it.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's in this insane courtroom. There's. There's something about, like, the last presidential debate that's going on. There's. There's like a. There's a very, like, loud and persuasive bully guy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then. And the other guy isn't Biden, but, like, there's something going on. Sure. Where I'm in this really tricky situation. Like, what I hear you doing and that becomes a voice in my head as I go. I hear you. That is a good strategy. Thank you for coming up with that strategy. It's almost like I have to fawn to the side of me that likes fawning. It's like, really good. And Honestly, this is 100% real. I appreciate the weeks and months of conflict free with this little price. It's like, for four easy payments of 49.95, you can have absolutely no turbulence.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. And then my therapist is. So my dad texted me something, and it wasn't anything bad. It was a quote about, like. I remember the quote. Why am I acting like I don't remember the quote? He goes, if you have it and you know you have it, you have it. If you have it, and you don't know you have it, you don't have it. So the very standard dad fair. Inspirational.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Sort of. Sort of male achievement quote.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. Something you might see with an eagle above it, you know?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know what he's doing because I feel so similar to him. He's feeling good and he wants to bounce that light off of me that I will then bounce that light back to him.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And as I say that, you see how it's not really clean? It's like a mirror. This back to me. That's the ask. I'm shining what I would call mania. And I know this feeling. If I'm feeling lit up and I go to somebody and they don't bounce it back to me, it's like, goodbye forever.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That feels vulnerable to share. But that's the soup we're having today. So that was the text that I wrote back. You've got it, dad. You're an inspiration. As I say this, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. And Gray Stoning is. Are you ready? Because I can't. I can't. You guys don't know how I feel right now. Very Fight Club with the lie on his hand. You don't know how this feels. And then Tyler Durden holds up his hand. Anyway, a lot of Fight Club today.

[Valerie]

Durgan. I said Durgan earlier. It's Durton.

[Pete Holmes]

Durgan park is a restaurant in Faneuil hall in the 80s in Boston. Tyler Durgan Park. If you're laughing. Laughing, you're me listening to this later. That's the only one that that's for. Anyway, Gray Stoning is. My dad said if you've got it, that whole thing. My reply is, if you. If I. Graystone, thank you for thinking of me.

[Valerie]

Wow. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Now to you, a reasonable person, it seems not that big of a deal to me. I'm like, that's sheer terror to write. Thank you for thinking of me.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Or the heart emoji, I guess would be like, see, my team comes in and goes. We start negotiating. We go, how about, love you, dad. Thank you for thinking of me. But what I'm really uncovering is how string attachy. A lot of interactions in my family are.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. It's all transactions.

[Pete Holmes]

Because, Valerie, why? Why indeed. I say, why didn't you text me that? The trailer for the movie that you're in. Why didn't you text your mother? Why indeed? Yeah, that's what the lawyer is so happy. He's like, we're gonna build our case on. Why indeed.

[Valerie]

That's right. You're like, that's actually the right question. It's just to the wrong person. You should be asking yourself that. Why doesn't my.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, are these closing arguments? That is good. I just. You just came in a pantsuit. You're my surprise witness, but you're also counsel. I love that I remember the word counsel. But you come in and you whip it in. Honestly, in that metaphor, my weird courtroom, which is like incestuous. It's like bathing in your own bath water over and over. You are the exciting new counsel that comes in. My therapist is not to minimize it from you, but, like, there's a team.

[Valerie]

Please. There is a team.

[Pete Holmes]

When Matt McCarthy texts, I'm with you, like, you're not alone. I'm with you.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Look at. And suddenly the. The courtroom. I realize everyone in the courtroom is me. Is like this weird. It's this weird masturbation and this weird. It's like. Like talking to myself. And then these people start coming in. Surprise witnesses, surprise counsel.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it won't withstand that scrutiny. Like an outs. We're basically in real time uncovering what's so exciting about therapy and obviously a good relationship is someone comes in and goes, I've been looking at these files. And why do we love scenes in. In movies where, like, a good lawyer gets attached to a loser case?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And goes like, actually, your honor, we're not done. We would like to cross examine. But yesterday you said. Yeah, I wasn't here yesterday. Mrs. Holmes, why doesn't your son. And everyone gasps and she's like, what are you? In fact. That's a great question. You have swagger. You're leaning. Yeah, but I think you're asking it to the wrong person. New York Post. Right question, wrong person. That's not a pun, but you know what I mean.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

This is. This is a thrill.

[Valerie]

Well, this is. I mean, buckle up, buttercup, because you're just gonna have more and more and more revelations like that and paradigm shifts, and it's good. And it feels good when that happens. And right now, Gravestoning feels absolutely impossible. And it might be right now, and that's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

They always say you go at your own pace.

[Valerie]

You don't want to rush. You really can't rush trauma work. This is why I get, you know, nervous when people do, I don't know, any kind of immersion therapy or even like, like a psychedelic. Like a self guided psychedelic therapy.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean just Iggy in the porta potty at Bonnaroo?

[Valerie]

Yes. Like, facing his trauma.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Because you really have to go at the body's pace. And if you don't, then there can be breaks, there can be psychic breaks, there can be body illnesses. There can be so many. There's no rush. There's no clock on this. Yeah, you can dip in. And it's very important that you titrate. Like I was telling you the other day, like, where you dip in and then you go, like, all right, now I'm gonna go watch the new Minions movie and I'm gonna not think about this at all.

[Pete Holmes]

Which features the great Christmas grace pageant trailer.

[Valerie]

Exactly. And like, and just remembering, like, this isn't an attuning, like your. Your parts and your body and your system will present these things as it's ready, and then, like, it will simmer down a bit. And I know there is this desire because I had it too. Oh, my gosh. If I think of how many times I came to my therapist being like, I'm ready, like, let's go. I. Let's go in the cave. I want to go and get like. Because I was like, I want to get on the other side of this already. That's me, 100%.

[Pete Holmes]

I've joked. I was like, is there a weekend intensive we can do? Because this is.

[Valerie]

Yeah, this.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to say it's fucking up my life, but, like, it's not. Walking around with watermelon Jolly Ranchers in my jaw.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's. It's hard. And you want to. Of course, you want the discomfort to end as soon as possible, but that's a frustrating way to think of it because it's not linear. It's not gonna go just perfectly one step and then another and then another. There's Sometimes moments where you feel like you're stepping back.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You know, it's. It. Our bodies always move slower than our brains want them to. It's. It's. It's just sort of more of a game of being like, how can I give myself little mini breaks from this while I'm here?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, minion breaks.

[Valerie]

And also finding enjoyment or beauty or inspiration in the process itself. So that going back to when you said that you had the therapy session and you sort of had the realization of, like, I want to heal, I want to be better. And then like, you saw how gorgeous that desire is. So there's an actual, like, physiological and. And I guess neural pattern for that explanation for that feeling. And that's the whole cycle, the little mini cycle of like somatic healing is that you're dysregulated, you're in stress, you. And you find regulation through all kinds of different things. It can actually be like physical touch, squeezing, all of those things. It can be doing practices like rain, where you practice allowing it. You just. You create space in between you and the feeling so that you're not identified with it. All these little tricks that we talk, that's all about regulating. So in polyvagal theory, which I don't claim to know like that much about, but there's, you know, it's polyvagal, so it's like the vagus nerve is how you regulate and.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're dating more than one person.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And you're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

Still got it.

[Valerie]

We're talking about the nervous system now. So when you are in distress, your nervous system is in this, you know, it's. You're in the sympathetic nervous system. And the sympathetic nervous system is fight, flight, freeze, fawn. And that is where you're like, anxious, you're angry, you're, like, wired, you know, you're hyper vigilant, all of that. But there's actually another state that's even lower. Lower in the sense of like, it's more original. It's like a more original defense system and it's called the dorsal state. And that's where depression, despair, sort of like, what's the fucking point? This is all hopeless. Like a collapse happens. You're like fully in a collapsed state. So just. I found so much comfort when I was really in the thick of my trauma healing in hearing that, because I had experienced both of those. And I was like, oh, there's a name for it. This is something the human nervous system does. It doesn't stay there. It doesn't have to stay there. But what happens is when you're in the dorsal state especially, well either one really, you're just like, well, this is who I am. I'll never be. I'll just always live in despair forever. Now I'm stuck here. I'll never come back. Come back, right. And you, the thoughts that are attached to it are things like that. Like there's no point to living. This is always going to be me. Or if you're in the sympathetic nervous system, that's where like paranoia can come from. Where you're like. Or you're just everything.

[Pete Holmes]

Hyper vigilant.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. So you do all of these things that you're learning and that we always talk about and it's just about regulating your nervous system. And once you can regulate your nervous system, it slips into. It goes from dorsal to sympathetic to parasympathetic, which is your regulated state. And the thoughts that are attached to that feeling is, wow, life is beautiful. Even the difficult things. Look at me. I can heal. Anything is possible. I am opening up, I am evolving, I am growing. I am aligned. Like, they've found that when you're in that state, those are the thoughts that you have. So when you are going through these cycles, as you will go through many of these cycles, you'll feel, feel the slip into. Once your body is regulated, your thoughts are following. And see, wow. And the parasympathetic nervous system is correct. Like everything else is real but not true. So anything that your dorsal state is saying or your sympathy, like your protector being like this is gonna ruin us. I had a of sense system that worked and I'm going to just become like a puddle and I'm going to be destroyed by it. We can say that's real to that part. We're not, we're not dismissing it. We're not saying like, well, that's not true. Get out of here. It's real, but not true. The only time real truth comes out is when you are in the parasympathetic and you're regulated.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe it without. That's when I do that Tony Robbins priming thing, which I haven't felt motivated to do for a while. But at the end he goes, this is you. So you do all these things to prime yourself to get probably into the parasympathetic. And then at the end he goes, this is you. This is the real you. Free. Maybe he says, unencumbered by the survival mind.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's exactly right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, whoa. And what's that's one of the reasons I love it. Something else. I do it before shows, before I go on stage. I do this breathwork thing, but I elevate my feet above my heart. And they say doing that for, like, five minutes while you relax, like, think not watching something, but, like, maybe listening to music or do it for a song.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gets you into your parasympathetic. And when you're there, I would say the earmark of it, of being there. Just your description and remembering it, is the distinct feeling like, this is the real one.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because even when I'm freaking out, there's a part of me that goes like, I know this isn't. I know this isn't real. It's like somebody put something in the water.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not the water. Something's in the water. But when you're in the parasympathetic. Parasympathetic. You're like, I'm just water. And water's incredible.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's right. That's why I think it's a. So that's why for me. And when I am still, you know, like, you're. You're always sort of healing. But especially when I was in the thick of it, I. And I've shared this on the podcast before, I was like, just carry these three words, nurture your body. Because for me, that was the quickest way to regulate. But really, the name of this whole game, if you. You have to distill it down to trauma, like, the name of the game for trauma work is regulating. So just notice when you're dysregulated and maybe even make a list of things that you can do to regulate. Go with, like, your top one. Because you won't remember the list when you're dysregulated, but you can probably remember one or two.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And then do that thing. So when you get dysregulated and you're telling the story of, like, this is scary. This is dark. This is bad. I shouldn't do this. I get. You go like, okay, wait, let me revisit this once I'm regulated and see how I feel.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

And it brings the attention from getting caught in the web of the story back into your body.

[Pete Holmes]

Came into the corner courtroom, actually, Your honor, I would like to request a recess to regulate. I think I have to. Weighted blanket feet up.

[Valerie]

I mean, you. You lived with me in the years, and pretty much like, at least two years that I was under a weighted blanket with a hot water bottle on My chest, my Apollo on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like, fully. That was what I was doing. I had to do that to try to regulate my body. And then the second you do, not only is it like, oh, thank God, that's. That wave is over. You're like, wow, I can regulate. And then those waves become not so scary.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like you're carving a new pathway home. As Tara Brock would say, every single time you're in dysregulation and you yourself regulate every single time you do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's like the lifting weights thing. That was.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, no, I can do this. And that's why you're looking at the model of the plane. And then you hear like, you should still be taking that plane. And you go, like, no, there's new things.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why, obviously, it's not lifting weights. It's finding new ways to have agency. And.

[Valerie]

That's right. And. And. But lifting weights might be the way, honestly, for you. I know for a lot of people, that's what exercise it.

[Pete Holmes]

When I. Yeah, I know. And I say that because I'm like. And it pisses me off. I hate hearing about it when I, like, don't want to do it, as I haven't for a really long time. Even my own voice being like, I think we like that. You're like, sh, sh, sh. It's worse than that. You're like, shut up. And then. I don't know, it's finally seems interesting to me again. But it was because I uncovered, like, a good why? And it wasn't to be a movie star. It was to tell my child, like, look, I can literally. I can lift these weights. And it's like, what? It's like sometimes Leela comes in when I'm lifting weights, you know, back years ago. I'm just kidding. And she just watches. And I'm like, yeah, it's fucking cool, right?

[Valerie]

It is, absolutely. I think that is such a good. Why. And that goes back to, like, let your body work out. What your brain can't. Is like, yeah, your body is carrying stuff. And it does release. And it reorganizes when. When we exercise.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'm realizing now this is such. A. When I'm exercising feeling. When I lift weights, then I'm sore the next day. And the soreness is this, like, you know, you got your badge stamped. You're like, I'm sore. And the soreness actually reminds me to do it again. Cause I'm like, I wanna feel sore tomorrow. Like, just a little Sore? Just like a little.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, in closing. But, you know, I've quoted it many times. It's a rabbinical, A Jewish teaching from rabbis of or pertaining to rabbis. Anyway, the Two Ladders. There's a man on the seventh rung, and there's a man on the first rung. And they say, rabbi, who is the better man? And you guys know this by now, but the rabbi says, the one that's still moving forward, the one that's still moving up. So stuck at the seventh isn't as good as on the first in moving up.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

And that pertains to sore muscles, but it also pertains to, like, I really feel like I'm on the first or second rung, but I'm moving. But I'm moving up as opposed to, you know, flying that airplane to the seventh rung and getting kind of stuck.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And starting to feel like the airplane metaphor actually works well there. You start getting into, like, clouds, and your radar isn't working.

[Valerie]

That's right. And your hands are getting sore from holding on.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's really good. And I'm going, like, what should I. What project should I pursue? And you're just like, just. Just land the plane anywhere. Yeah, that's not. That's not my favorite thing.

[Valerie]

Right? That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to have a purpose. I want to have a purpose, and I want to be true to my purpose.

[Valerie]

You will. On the other side of this is freedom and wholeness, and you will expand and you will. Your whole life becomes bigger. Like, that's where it's like, the tearing of the veil. And we're like, oh, no, it's tearing. It's gonna be destroyed. And, like, just. Just. Let's see what happens.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

And then you have clarity, and you're like, oh, my God, I thought I needed that veil.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so weird how many stories there are like this, and yet when you're in it, you forget all of them.

[Valerie]

And that's. And you know what? Even this is. Like, it's not. You know, it's helpful to remember, but. But it's not the most important thing to appeal to the intellect in this way. Like, the most important thing is regulating your body. And, you know, because you can also get stuck in that. Where you're just staying in the, like, conceptualizing of it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that. Actually, no, we'll talk about that another time. And we should talk about getting stuck in Houston. That's what I thought we were gonna talk about.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we'll talk about that another time. Yeah, it's been really interesting. How natural. And, you know, obviously, I got emotional on this podcast and every therapy session. I'm so proud that I'm just feeling and crying and feeling and crying and feeling and crying over and over. And if we do intellectualize, she. She laughs that I qualify, but I'm like, I don't want to stay in my brain, but, like, I'm noticing that this is a lot like this.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She's like, you don't have to do that.

[Valerie]

You don't have to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, I'm really trying to just stay in the feelings.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. But that's. And. And it is. Okay. Your brain gets. Is another part of you that gets to sit at the table. It's just. I know we're a little bit more wary of that one because it often, like, takes your seat at the head of the table.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's another protector, for sure. If I can find a way to think about it and make a story about it, I can do it. I can adjust to things and.

[Valerie]

Well, yeah, the brain thinks that it is in control. Like, it's controlling the.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You know, it's like it's putting a sprinkler on, thinking it's controlling the weather and making it rain.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're a gift to us all, Valerie. Thank you so much for this.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Special time.

[Valerie]

I. I think you're the bravest boy.

[Pete Holmes]

That's from the master. You're the bravest boy I know.

[Valerie]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. He says it to Joaquin, and then later, he's having sex with this woman he meets in a bar, and he says to her, Joaquin says to the girl, as you're the bravest girl I know. And you just see, he want. My interpretation is he wants to give that feeling and remember that feeling. It was so important to him that a male authority figure, or like a father figure, I guess I could say, said he was brave.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

You're the bravest boy I know.

[Valerie]

Well, you are the bravest boy I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're a woman I'm gonna have sex with later.

[Valerie]

That's great. All right, everybody, keep it crispy.