Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #184

Release Date: July 12, 2024

Overview

This episode of “We Made It Weird” is a deeply personal, introspective, and at times humorous discussion between Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie. While their trademark silliness opens the show, it quickly transitions into a nuanced exploration of trauma, self-discovery, the process of healing, and the roles of childhood coping mechanisms in adult life. The episode takes on the feel of a candid therapy session—a supportive, sometimes vulnerable, and ultimately affirming space for anyone engaged in personal growth or healing work.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comfortable Nonsense and Setting the Tone

• [00:18-02:00] Pete and Valerie introduce the episode by acknowledging that the first segment is intentionally “nothing”—a deliberate, soothing amble to set a relaxed mood.
• Pete: “It’s like a little spa day for your brain. A little bit like white noise just kind of floating down a lazy river.” (00:30)
• Valerie encourages embracing the meandering vibe as part of the show’s charm.

2. Rapid-Fire Banter and Early Weirdness

• [07:01-10:59] The pair riff on the sound of “scruff,” vocal ranges, biblical trivia (ear-cutting stories about the Centurion and Judas), and childhood sleepwear (“sleeper shirts”).
• Lively debate about myth-busting as a possible direction for the episode, which quickly derails into cheeky and at times bawdy riffing:
  • Pete jokes about the meaning behind the Meat Loaf song “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” (11:09)

3. Class, Snobbery, and Cultural Identity

• [18:29-23:47] Both discuss their upbringings—Valerie's Southern, lower-middle-class roots vs. Pete’s snobby, coffee-savoring tendencies.
• Valerie talks about “reverse snobbery” and the pride some people take in “not knowing” certain things—contrasting with the pride of knowing “fancier” things.

4. Trauma Work: Being in the Thick of It

• [23:47-37:00] Pete details how intensive trauma therapy is reshaping his worldview and social interactions.

  • He shares feelings of exhaustion and self-hate that surface in group environments:

    “I hate how much I hate… and in therapy and… how hard it’s been to dig deeper and deeper and deeper and to relive all of this trauma… I really, even right now, am feeling very much in the thick of that.” (25:16, Pete)

• Pete describes a dissociative experience—feeling like there’s a “higher self” longing to be more loving, a realization often encountered in therapy and on psychedelics.

5. Trauma Healing as a Spiritual Path

• Valerie draws insightful parallels between healing trauma and spiritual work:

  “That is what trauma healing is: chipping away all of the mud—the things that were put on you, handed to you, or you developed to survive—and getting down to your gold.” (27:16, Valerie)

• She introduces Tara Brach’s RAIN method ("Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture") as a contemplative tool for processing emotions. (28:49)

6. Inner Parts & Protectors: The Hero’s Journey

• [34:51-52:47] Pete likens his patterns to flying a rickety “trauma airplane” that got him through childhood but no longer serves adult Pete:

  • Valerie: “He just doesn’t know yet that we’re not in that time anymore… We can always say thank you for your input. I’m going to have you sit down in the chair next to me or further down at the table. Yeah, I got this.” (38:43, Valerie)

• They reference the animated film “Inside Out” and “Fight Club” (with Tyler Durden as the ultimate “protector”).

  • Pete: “There’s so many movies like this…some dictator is like, ‘You’re nothing without me.’” (46:48)

7. Boundaries and Self-Reparenting

• Pete discusses real-life challenges with family (notably his mother—being asked to buy champagne for a party) and how asserting boundaries, even in small instances, is an act of self-reparenting.

  • “All these little stands, these little boundaries—even if that wasn’t a fight, it wasn’t a big issue…they’re like, I lifted weights for the first time…because I realized all of these things that we do, self-care things, are to communicate to that child: I got you.” (50:45, Pete)

• Valerie reinforces that “no” to old demands is how the healthy adult cares for the wounded inner child.

8. Gray Stoning: Detaching from Narcissistic Dynamics

• [60:34-65:52] Pete’s therapist introduces “gray stoning” as a technique for interacting with narcissistic people—responding to emotional bait with bland, non-engaging acknowledgment (e.g., “Thank you for thinking of me”).
  • Pete: “To you, a reasonable person, it seems not that big of a deal. To me, I’m like—that’s sheer terror to write.” (66:02, Pete)

9. Pacing, Patience, and Somatic Self-Regulation

• [69:18-79:29] Valerie cautions about rushing trauma healing—recounting her own time needing “weighted blankets and hot water bottles.” They discuss titration (dipping in and out of trauma work), healthy distraction, and the necessity of giving the body/psyche time and space.

• Valerie introduces polyvagal theory—explaining the difference between states of the nervous system (sympathetic, dorsal, parasympathetic) and how healing trauma involves moving from survival modes into a regulated state where real “truth” emerges:

  “It’s just about regulating your nervous system. And once you can regulate your nervous system…that’s when I do that Tony Robbins priming thing…this is the real you…free, unencumbered by the survival mind.” (77:00, Pete)

10. Inclusion and Integration of Inner Parts

• Reference to “Inside Out” again: The goal isn’t to exile any part, but to “include and integrate every single part.” (51:52, Valerie)

Memorable Quotes

• On Trauma and Compassion:

  “You can meet yourself at, I want to heal this, and, like, you can always have compassion for that desire.” (28:13, Valerie)

• On the Value of Wanting to Get Better:

  “The whole world is built—all of our best things are built from that. Yes. That is the seed… Even in this moment, I'm able to access how gorgeous… everyone listening…can go, like, there is a part of me that wants to get better, that wants to improve. And that's incredible in and of itself.” (31:22, Pete)

• On Healing and Integration:

  “We’re not exiling any part of you. We are including and integrating every single part.” (51:52, Valerie)

• On Surviving and Letting Go of Old Strategies:

  “The airplane belongs in a museum… I've clothed myself in fine linen… I'm looking at the plane with love and appreciation, but I'm not gonna ride it home.” (38:02, Pete)

• On Progress:

  “There’s a man on the seventh rung, and there’s a man on the first rung… the rabbi says, the one that’s still moving forward, the one that's still moving up.” (83:13, Pete)

Timestamps and Key Moments

• 00:18–02:00: Opening banter and relaxation/“white noise” tone-setting
• 07:01–10:30: Sound games and playful “sleeper shirt” nostalgia
• 23:47–37:00: Pete opens up about therapy work, “hating how much I hate,” and discovering the “higher self”
• 28:48–30:10: Valerie introduces the RAIN method for emotion processing
• 34:51–52:47: Deep dive into inner protectors, parts work, and therapy metaphors (“trauma airplane,” “the museum,” “courtroom” analogies)
• 60:34–66:54: Gray stoning—navigating difficult parental relationships and learning to detach lovingly
• 69:18–75:09: Pacing trauma work, nervous system regulation, and self-care strategies
• 77:00–79:36: The truth of the regulated self—sympathetic vs. parasympathetic nervous system, integrating lessons from spiritual and psychological traditions
• 83:13–84:06: Rabbinical “Two Ladders” story—a teaching on progress and moving forward

Takeaways & Tone

The episode is a unique blend of warmth, vulnerability, whimsy, and hard-won wisdom. Pete and Valerie combine comic banter with compassionate self-inquiry, offering listeners reassurance that growth—especially trauma healing—is nonlinear, tough, but always worthwhile. The message: All parts of ourselves deserve gratitude and a seat at the table; healing means integration, not exile.

Recommended for: Anyone curious about or struggling with therapy, trauma, inner work, or who just wants to hear two clever, loving people getting real about what it means to heal.

Final Words

“You will. On the other side of this is freedom and wholeness, and you will expand and you will… your whole life becomes bigger.” (84:06, Valerie)

“Keep it crispy.” (87:23, Valerie)

End of summary.