Podcast Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #190
Date: September 6, 2024
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest/Co-host: Valerie (Val) Holmes

Episode Overview

This episode of We Made It Weird with Pete Holmes and his wife, Valerie Holmes, delves into the tapestry of everyday weirdness, existential musings, sex, presence, relationships, and the realities of aging and death. True to form, Pete and Val blend humor with depth, trading stories, ideas, and philosophical frameworks in a candid, stream-of-consciousness conversation. The episode weaves together themes of embodiment, spiritual practice, the mystery (and allure) of the unknown in relationships and life, and finding comfort with uncertainty, all peppered with memorable tangents and laughter.

Key Topics & Insights

1. The Allure of Ordinary Rest Stop Restaurants

[05:23 – 10:46]

• Pete paints a sensual, nostalgic picture of finding a “wooden, not fancy, mountain restaurant” which leads to a playful, accidental sexy riff.
• Valerie misinterprets “mushroom cap stuffed with breadcrumbs” as some sort of “mushroom bag,” prompting a burst of laughter and Pete’s tangent on trashy novelty lingerie.
• Quote:

  "It's not fancy… it's a very ordinary place. Drip coffee on burners. Comforty food… what's better than that?" – Pete (07:06)

2. Sex, Embodiment, and Flow States

[10:46 – 18:42]

• Pete observes that sex is one of the last primal embodied experiences for screen-obsessed modern humans. It’s compared to skiing and rock climbing for its capacity to force us into presence.
• Discussion of how activities that require full attention (sex, skiing, dancing) are portals to a deeper sense of aliveness.
• Quote:

  "Sex is like the pilot light of our humanity… so lo-fi, animalistic, and vital." – Pete (12:54)
  "You're like the only time you're present and in your body. And I think that is true for sex for a lot of people." – Valerie (13:26)

3. Spiritual Practice as Connection to the “Screen” of Awareness

[18:42 – 26:36]

• Pete references Rupert Spira, using the metaphor of the “unchanging screen” on which all experience plays.
• Val connects this to Inside Out 2 and parts work, noting how all feelings reside within something larger (the “viewer,” “the screen”).
• Discussion of spiritual practice: It’s not just thinking about a place of internal peace, but “going there.”
• Quote:

  "It's not just thinking about that [awareness]… like in a busy office, you don't just think about your house—you go there." – Pete (21:00)

4. Parenting, Seeking Fulfillment, and the Limits of Reason

[26:36 – 36:04]

• Pete and Val unpack their experiences with Lila’s (their daughter) tantrums, realizing that even the best “reasoned” responses fall short—sometimes what’s needed is breath, touch, or just being present.
• They reflect on how fleeting fulfillment is: achievements and good news deliver only temporary satisfaction.
• Quote:

  "Looking for fulfillment in strawberry shortcake or in bike rides… doesn't work. And when it's not working for Leela, it reminds us that it also doesn't work for us." – Pete (30:45)

5. The Mystery as the Lifeforce in Relationships and Life

[36:04 – 45:06]

• They agree that both science and religion’s greatest value isn’t in certainty, but in keeping the wonder and conversation going.
• Drawing analogies between relationships and spirituality: The unknown—the “not knowing everything about your partner”—is what maintains vitality and attraction.
• Quote:

  "The point is wonder and mystery… the thrill and vitality exist in the unknown.” – Valerie (37:41)
  "You want your relationship to mirror what you know deep down: reality is skiing down a mountain…constant uncertainty and excitement and novelty." – Pete (39:08)

6. Seeing and Being Present with Others

[45:06 – 47:27]

• In relationships, we often stop seeing partners as whole people, only as extensions of ourselves or collections of associations.
• Pete shares his recent effort to “really see” Valerie, inspired by My Dinner with Andre, emphasizing the importance of presence for passion and connection.

7. Non-Duality, Merging, and the Play of Awareness

[47:27 – 58:05]

• Delving into non-dual spiritual ideas: Merging with another is, in a way, merging with God/awareness itself.
• The episode invokes imagery of swirls and currents in water to illustrate the relationship between the individual and the infinite.
• "There's nothing to do. There's nothing to fix. There's nowhere to go… Whatever you're trying to realize—must be present now." – Pete (47:32)

8. Aging, Death, and Letting Go

[55:44 – 79:47]

• With humor and honesty, Pete and Val reflect on the realities of aging, including parents and grandparents facing death, and the body's stubborn will to live.
• Valerie shares her grandmother’s conflicted final days with compassion and dark humor, illustrating how the body resists death even if the spirit is willing.
• They reference the impossibility of being fully “prepared” for death—drawing parallels to birth, spiritual practice, and human longing for more experiences.
• "It was never about acquiring more—one more trip, one more memory—it's a bucket with no bottom." – Pete (75:50)

9. Surrender, Doing Less, and the Grace of the Unknown

[73:21 – 78:39]

• The wisdom that serenity comes not from grasping, but allowing:
  “Most of our effort is going into trying to control or understand what we could never control or understand.” – Valerie (74:06)
• They circle back to letting sand slip through your hands, echoing both Buddhist detachment and Jesus’s surrender.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Fulfillment:

  "You sell a book, you feel good for 40 minutes. That fucking sucks. You should feel good for your life." – Pete (31:26)

• On the Unknown:

  "All the juice is in the mystery and the wondering… once you make it certain, we lose our life force." – Valerie (37:42)

• On Surrendering to Life:

  "How many orgasms, how many sunsets, how many meals before you realize that death isn’t the failure? It was never really about the acquiring." – Pete (75:17)

• On Non-Duality:

  "Merging with Leela is merging with God, and merging with you is merging with God… there's nothing else to merge with." – Pete (46:22)

• On Presence:

  "Can I keep a grounding rod—just keep a tether to that [unchanging, peaceful awareness]?" – Pete (22:15)

• On Control and Effort:

  "Most of our effort is going into trying to control or understand what we could never control or understand." – Valerie (74:06)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Mountain Restaurant Riff and Sexiness – [05:23–10:46]
• Sex, Flow States, and Embodiment – [10:46–18:42]
• Spiritual Awareness and “The Screen” – [18:42–26:36]
• Parenting and the Limits of Reason – [26:36–36:04]
• Mystery, Wonder, and Relationship Dynamics – [36:04–45:06]
• The Importance of Truly Seeing Each Other – [45:06–47:27]
• Non-Dual Play, Merging, and Presence – [47:27–58:05]
• Aging, Death, and Letting Go – [55:44–79:47]
• Surrender, Allowance, and Closure – [73:21–79:47]

Tone and Style

• Language: Intimate, humorous, stream-of-consciousness. Pete’s analogies and Valerie’s candid reflections keep the conversation alive, honest, and accessible.
• Energy: Lively, reflective, and unafraid of dark or challenging topics—always returning to presence, wonder, and connection.

Final Thoughts

This episode offers a funny, vulnerable meditation on being alive—in all its weirdness. It swings from jokes about burping to the profundities of spiritual presence, loving, and dying. Whether Pete and Val are riffing about comfort food, breaking down when reason fails parents, or contemplating the cosmic joke of always wanting one more trip, they invite listeners to embrace both the mystery and mess of human life.

“Keep it crispy.”