We Made It Weird #194

Summary

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Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #194

Date: October 4, 2024
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-Host: Valerie

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Overview

This episode of "We Made It Weird" is a freewheeling, joyfully absurd deep-dive into the secret weirdness of daily life, pop culture, and the oddities of perception. Pete Holmes and Valerie steer clear of "deep thoughts" in favor of a playful, synesthetic conversation. The episode spans from loving riffs on landline phones, courthouse architecture, and British traditions to improvisational games matching cereals to sodas and foods to movies or superheroes. Throughout, the two explore the pleasures of shared reality, sensory association, and the special intimacy of “having the same type of weird.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Landline vs. Cell Phone Nostalgia (05:24–10:10)

• The episode opens with Pete and Val riffing on the sensory experiences of landline telephones compared to cell phones and Zoom.
  • Intimacy of Landlines: Pete treasures the distinctive background noises and the "sense of presence" that landlines provided—something he feels is missing from modern calls.
  • “You could feel the person more… So intimate. The sense of being was transmitted.” — Pete, 06:52
  • Val recalls that hotel landlines have surprisingly good sound quality and that speaking softly feels natural, as if the person is right there.

2. Biology, Sphincters, and Childhood Curiosity (10:15–15:09)

• The conversation drifts into playful biology lessons about uvulas, epiglottis, sphincters, and digestive trivia.
  • Pete shares a story about explaining involuntary breathing to their daughter, Leela, using quirky, comical language:
  • “Leela said... but how? I’m not telling myself to breathe. And I was like, your body breathes.” — Pete/Val, 13:27
  • The duo laughs at how kids can overthink bodily processes, mirroring childhood anxieties and coping mechanisms.

3. Courtroom Architecture as Psychological Warfare (17:08–26:53)

• A silly yet pointed riff about why courthouse interiors are so imposing.
  • “The stairs and the slippy and the pillars are all like: ‘This isn’t a running place.’” — Pete, 25:19
  • Pete and Val build a theory that everything from the saloon-style doors to the slippery marble is designed to deter defendants from fleeing.
  • The sequence becomes an epic escalating bit about escaping court, with each architectural feature (swinging doors, bailiffs, marble floors, revolving doors) posing progressively more ridiculous challenges.

4. Cereal-to-Soda Synesthesia: The Game (28:08–39:59)

• Pete and Val excitedly play an improvised game pairing cereals to sodas (and later, other objects and characters), revealing their unique logic and shared sense of humor.
  • Core Pairings:
    • Apple Jacks = Mountain Dew “Not just the green—Apple Jacks is Mountain Dew.” — Valerie, 31:07
    • Frosted Flakes = Coca Cola (also seen as Captain America of cereals)
    • Special K = Diet Coke
    • Cocoa Pebbles = Dr. Pepper/Yoo-hoo
  • The magic, according to Val, is not about objective correctness but "seeing reality in the same way" as a soulmate.
  • “It doesn’t even matter if it’s objectively Mountain Dew… It's that you and I both agree." — Valerie, 31:12
  • The game expands to try to find the Sprite of cereals (which turns out, after deliberation, to be Rice Krispies).
    • “Sprite is clear before it’s lemon-lime.” — Pete, 34:14

5. More Food Synesthesia: Spielberg as a Cheeseburger (46:05–73:22)

• The conversation moves into matching movies, directors, Disney characters, and superheroes to foods, portraits of shared logic.
  • Jurassic Park evokes “beans and a waffle” for Valerie due to a childhood memory, which leads Pete to propose the feeling of coziness comes from danger being present but contained—like the T. Rex outside the car.
    • “There’s something cozy about it… cozy bean-waffle feeling.” — Pete, 49:49
  • Steven Spielberg is ultimately dubbed "a shiny top, seedless cheeseburger bun, in a red plaid tray, with the best fries you’ve ever had," after consulting ChatGPT—who agrees with Pete and Val’s assessment.

6. ChatGPT as a Surrogate Friend (69:04–77:14)

• The pair further riff using ChatGPT, asking it food/pop culture match questions, delighting when it reciprocates their logic.
  • Spider-Man = Grilled Cheese (per AI)
  • Cheerios = Canada Dry Ginger Ale (per AI)
• Pete jokes about AI someday naming this flavor of playful, personal humor after him, imagining “humor 2.975-1324.”

7. Shared Reality & Relationship Insight (57:13–68:20)

• In an introspective thread, Pete notes:
  • “You and I are sealed together. Way past sense of humor… You even categorize reality the same way.” — Pete, 57:18
  • The conversation becomes a love letter to the joy of finding someone who “maps reality” the same way via weird, delightful associative games.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |-----------|-------|---------| | 06:52 | “You could feel the person more… So intimate. The sense of being was transmitted.” | Pete Holmes | | 14:53 | “Your pursed lips...I think it’s something like 30%. Like, you do it for five minutes, it lowers your cortisol… I do it all the time.” | Pete Holmes | | 25:19 | “The stairs and the slippy and the pillars are all like: ‘This isn’t a running place… Put in pillars, put in marble. Good luck. You’re going to jail.’” | Pete Holmes | | 31:12 | “It doesn’t even matter if it’s objectively Mountain Dew… It’s that you and I both agree. Like, we see it as Mountain Dew.” | Valerie | | 34:14 | “Sprite is clear before it’s lemon-lime.” | Pete Holmes | | 41:19 | “If it was a British cereal, it’d be like: I’m all right. I get. Sugar on corn…Not the full way. Still gonna want a cup of tea.” | Pete Holmes, as “British Tony the Tiger” | | 49:49 | “There’s something cozy about it… cozy bean-waffle feeling.” | Pete Holmes | | 57:18 | “Well, you and I are sealed together. Way past sense of humor… once you get into the anals you go like, wow. They even categorize reality the same way.” | Pete Holmes | | 73:41 | “Honestly… wow.” | Valerie, echoing chatGPT’s brilliance | | 76:11 | "Knowing where the danger is… it can create a sense of control amidst chaos.” | ChatGPT, as quoted by Pete | | 77:31 | “And watch me smile as a single tear rolls down my face, out of laughter and nostalgia.” | Pete Holmes |

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Essential Timestamps

• 05:24 — Start of main content: landline nostalgia
• 17:08 — Judicial architecture riff
• 28:08 — Cereal-to-Soda game introduction
• 39:59 — Expansion to other “synesthetic” mappings
• 46:05 — Spielberg as food, movie/food matches
• 57:18 — Insights on shared reality
• 69:04 — ChatGPT joins the game
• 76:11 — AI explains coziness in the Jurassic Park T. Rex scene
• 77:14 — Episode wrap-up and signoff

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Conclusion

This episode is a hilarious, meandering celebration of private weirdness and the beauty of shared, inexplicable connections. Pete and Val turn inside jokes and everyday oddities into a uniquely intimate, joyful listening experience, demonstrating how laughter and imagination can transform the mundane into something magical. Their playful mapping of foods to pop culture—validated hilariously by ChatGPT—serves as both comedy and relationship insight: the right kind of “weird” is best when shared.

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Transcript

[Valerie]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. Yes. You made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos? We got a real fun one for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Hot one.

[Valerie]

We got a hot one. This is a no deep thoughts sort of.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a silly one. And I have to say I'm. I'm not going to wait for an award. I'm giving this the Podcast of the Decade award. I loved it. Yeah, I hope you love it.

[Valerie]

Really fun.

[Pete Holmes]

I will never. Whenever I'm in a low mood or I'm bored, I'm going to throw on we made it weird. I'm going to figure out which number this is. This is. This is. We made it weird. 192. So 192 is the magic episode. We're so glad you're here. Go to PeteHomes.com for my tour dates. Let me see the ones coming up. I'm about to be in. I'm in Milwaukee if you hear this the day it came out. Then Minneapolis and then Denver and then Raleigh, then Indianapolis, then Seattle, Portland. We just added a second show for Portland. Thank you, Portland weirdos. And Eugene, Oregon, all around the Christmas Hanukkah. Holiday time for Seattle, Portland and Eugene. So hope to see you all out there. Means so much. And largo-la.com from my monthly Largo show here in LA. Judd Apatow was at the last one. We always have amazing guests. It's always so fun. So hope you can be there. And if you like the show, we are supported by you guys using our promo codes. So if you like any of these products, we genuinely like these products, go to these websites, use the promo code. Helps us keep the lights on, helps us pay Joe and Katie, our production people, and it means a lot. Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage. You guys know I'm obsessed with ways to strengthen my immunity and my gut, as well as my fitness, my endurance, my metabolism, as well as hair and skin radiance. And I recently discovered one product that does all of that. And it couldn't be easier to add into your daily routine. I'm talking about armor Colostrum. Colostrum is the first nutrition we receive in life and it contains all of the essential nutrients our bodies need to thrive. I'm talking about reactivating hair growth and glowing skin by reducing inflammation and puffiness. I'm talking about igniting your metabolism and. And fortifying gut health so you feel less bloated. That is a huge one for me. I feel it go down. I just feel my stomach feel lighter and definitely less bloated while replenishing your microbiome, stabilizing blood sugar and accelerating fat burning which is so helpful for me with cravings as well as fueling your fitness performance and recovery armor. Colostrum is a proprietary concentrate of bovine colostrum that harnesses over 400 living bioactive nutrients that rebuild the barriers of your body and fuel cellular health for a host of research backed health benefits. It's natural, it's sustainable and was developed with the highest integrity grass fed in the United States and they guarantee the highest potency and bioavailability of any colostrum on the market. For results that you can see and actually feel, both Val and I take it every single day. I just use my own promo code to order a big old tub of it because we love it. Receive 15% off special offer for weirdos go to tryarmora.com weird or enter weird at checkout for 15% off your first order. That's T R Y A R M R A dot com weird we're also brought to us by our friends at Brain fm. Brain FM has been a huge part of my creative routine. I throw on these headphones, I open the app and I drop into flow state. I dial in, literally signaling to my brain that it is time to work. On the surface, Brain FM seems just like the perfect work music. An app that plays you lo fi electronic or soundscapes or nature or cinematic kind of sounds. And on one level that's what it is. But underneath, Brain FM's composers work hard to add patterns to the music underneath that change the patterns in your brain, creating increased blood flow and electrical activity in the brain and increasing focus in as little as five minutes. Brain FM actually has the scientific research to back up these claims through close collaboration with neuroscientists and a wide array of field experiments and testing. And I can tell you it is the best. It dials me in. It signals to my brain literally that it's time to get creating. It's time to get working, relaxing, meditating, falling asleep. They have settings for all of it. Regular music is designed to be distracting. Brain FM is the better way and it's made by humans, not computers, actual composers that they add these sounds in that you will see a difference. So go to Brain FM weird for 30% off one year of Brain FM. Start getting more done with less effort and unlock your best self on demand. Experience the difference that the right music can make in your life with Brain fm. Brain fm. Weird. All right, everybody, we're so glad you're here. We made it. Weird 192, the winner of the first annual PD Podcast Perfection Award.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Here. Here's a sound that you. This is a sound that you could hear on a landline phone.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, I'm with you.

[Pete Holmes]

But I thought you were gonna go, oh, yeah, I'm excited. Like, but that was.

[Valerie]

You thought I was just gonna interrupt you to be like, oh, yeah, I'm excited. Yeah, I guess I would do something like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

But in fairness, you know, because I love the 90s. Is that why?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, just kind of like you like. One of the things I like about you is that you love a rich. Like when we played which cereals or.

[Valerie]

Which sodas, did we talk about that?

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean? Did we talk about that on the podcast? Didn't we?

[Valerie]

I don't think we did.

[Pete Holmes]

You think we did that out there?

[Valerie]

Well, we did do it out there. We did it in the car on the way to la.

[Pete Holmes]

Did we do it on the pod?

[Valerie]

I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, real quick. This is the sound that a landline phone would pick up that a cell phone doesn't. Ready?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Oh, my God. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

You could hear that. You'll never hear that on a cell phone. On a cell phone it has to be small. It's like. It's like it's real. Like remember on a cell. On a landline phone you'd be like, are you still there? Yeah, cuz you stay on the phone. Cuz this. I'm going to. I'm going to go far out. But like you could feel the person more.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

They were there. So intimate the sense of being was transmitted. Because you'd hear like.

[Valerie]

Totally.

[Pete Holmes]

And you just. The cell phone.

[Valerie]

They were in a sound booth and.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. Sound booth.

[Valerie]

I.

[Pete Holmes]

And why was it better on a. On a wire than it is on a. Well, I guess I just answered my own question.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And that. And we can't, like all these years now with. With wireless technology, we can't still. We still can't get it to that I completely agree. I use. The only time I ever use landlines is in hotels. And I'm always.

[Pete Holmes]

I love it.

[Valerie]

Taken aback by the sound quality.

[Pete Holmes]

Call down. Hi, I'm just calling to see if we can get a late checkout. No. And you know, can you hear that? No.

[Valerie]

You know what it is?

[Pete Holmes]

They can never do a late checkout. Keep going.

[Valerie]

It makes you speak softer. Because you're like, hey. It's like they're going, don't worry, I'm right here.

[Pete Holmes]

I completely agree. So I. Go ahead.

[Valerie]

Nothing.

[Pete Holmes]

I just was loving it. Dracula dead and loving it.

[Valerie]

You're right. I am excited.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what I should have said was, the reason I checked in was, I think you're gonna like this one. So I listened to two varieties of Rupert Spira retreats. So if you don't go on a retreat, they have the recordings of all the retreats. It's literally tens of thousands of hours, which is just exactly my favorite thing.

[Valerie]

Didn't you start to listen to one and you were like, this is the one that I was at. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

[Pete Holmes]

I did. And I was waiting for me, and I didn't download the one that has me on it. But I was kind of relieved because I. I didn't want for as much as I'm okay hearing my voice in this context or comedy context, I didn't want to hear me being like, hi, Rupert. Good morning. You know, like, nervous, dumb. But I'll hear it at some point. But anyway, he does two types of retreats. Virtual retreats over zoom, and in person retreats. And in person, he. It's exactly your point. In person, there's landline. He's like, good morning. Let's start our conversation. I can't do his accent. And on Zoom, even the most tranquil of people is like, all right, everybody, welcome. It's no, obviously no shade. I'm just saying, like, zoom. Okay, here it goes. Landline is, you know, the peak of the mountain. Cell phone. And then way, way down is Zoom. At least on a cell phone, you can talk over each other.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

You could. You could sing harmony.

[Valerie]

The one thing that Zoom has figured out that I'm like, all right, so we got that technology. Can we just apply that to. Certainly. AirPods is the. Like, you don't hear the ex. Like, the surroundings. Yeah. Because I was zooming with my friend Lisa, and she was like, oh, my God, are you hearing this construction? It's like, it's happening in my house. And I was like, I can't hear a single thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

Well done. Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Well done, well done. Good. That was awesome.

[Valerie]

You know when, like, your body goes. No. So you have to swallow right now you're swallowing. You're like, I didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

I've talked about this on stage. It's an epiglottal malfunction. You know that little dingle bear? It's not a Dingle. It's a little, you know, your bag, your uvula.

[Valerie]

Yeah. What's epiglottis?

[Pete Holmes]

But the epiglottis. The epiglottis.

[Valerie]

Excuse me, sir.

[Pete Holmes]

I know we know each other so well. Oh, my God. That's your angle.

[Valerie]

But it's that we know each other so well that we rarely say a word that the other person says.

[Pete Holmes]

Epiglottis.

[Valerie]

I've never. I don't know this word.

[Pete Holmes]

It's beyond the uvula.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

This is a biologist doing a shot past the uvula and transcending the epiglottis. Look out. Phyloric sphincter. Here comes. I can't believe I pulled out phyloric sphincter.

[Valerie]

So impressed.

[Pete Holmes]

The phyloric. I hope it might be pyloric. I think it's phyloric. I don't know. Phyloric sphincter is. You have a sphincter here, right?

[Valerie]

You have like five sphincters or something.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like how many. Sphincter we all know as sphincter says. What? Yeah, that's Wayne's World. That's when I and so many of my kin learned what a sphincter was. It's basically just your. The. The long part of the anus. Like. It's like the anus is the end of the sphincter, right. If you cut a. What is that called? A churro?

[Valerie]

No, I thought that the sphincter.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a churro.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

A churro. A churro. If you cut a churro, the. The end of it is the. Is the anus. And then the. The churro itself is.

[Valerie]

The sphincter was the muscle.

[Pete Holmes]

It is okay, but it's. Look, I'm speaking. I don't know where I'm getting speaking out of my. It's like when Jesus was little. They're like, where does he got this authority? I don't know where I'm getting this authority, but I seem to remember that there's a churro like, bit that ends in the honest. But you also have a churro that starts kind of around your esophagus. Your esophagus. And that would like that. That's why when you hang upside down.

[Valerie]

For example, also why you get heartburn when you are pregnant is that you release relaxin, which is the coolest name for a hormone that does exactly what it take. Relax, relax. And not sphincter, baby.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why we. You did kind of like an Eastern European Jamaican. Yeah, I liked it.

[Valerie]

Those exist. Hey, that was my choice.

[Pete Holmes]

And play as a steel drum. I can't do it.

[Valerie]

Come and play at my.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Relaxing. And it relaxes the.

[Valerie]

It relaxes all your sphincters.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, this is why when you die, you poop your pants. Because it's.

[Valerie]

It's. It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's running on a. What is the word? Autonomous. I certainly. Autonomous. But there's like a autopilot. Well, there's a word for. I love that we're trying to find our biology.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Our biology learning.

[Valerie]

Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

Like your. Your heart is a. It's a non. You know, you don't have to order it to be.

[Valerie]

Oh, right. In fact, Terry muscle.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, there you go. But it would be a nightmare if you're like, babit, baby.

[Valerie]

I know. Leela said. She was like, when we dream, when we are asleep, do we still breathe? And I was like, yeah, you're breathing until you're dead. And she's like, but how? I'm not telling myself to breathe. And I was like, your body breathes. And she was like. And then her breaths were really weird for a minute, and I thought she was like. I was. I knew exactly what she was doing.

[Pete Holmes]

That still happens when I overthink my breath. Then suddenly I'm like, hello.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And we were trying. She was trying to fall asleep, and I had to just go like, just don't think about your breath. Your body will breathe better than don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Think about your breath. Which Leela's too young to introduce this type of thing too. But, like, think about your hands is so much. Is so much better. Give it something else to think about. We were just talking about anxiety and when I was young. And I really am afraid that Leila grows up with these two highly sensitive parents that have all of these strategies that therefore she will think are stupid because they're her parents.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm like, they are the best. And when I used to pray for my anxiety to go away, boy, I just wish. I mean, like, it's not like my parents knew about it and didn't tell me. I just wish pre Internet that people knew. Like one grown up that would come up to me and just go, like, take a really long inhale and then a very slow exhale out. Your pursed. We talk about this all the time. Your pursed lips.

[Valerie]

Your pursed lips.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, the numbers on it. I think it's something like 30%. Like, you do it for five minutes, it lowers your cortisol or whatever stress by 30% is crazy. I do it all the Time I was driving to Los Angeles, California.

[Valerie]

I was listening to Los Angeles.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Hollywood, Hollywood.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was yelling, windows down, Hollywood, here I come. Over and over and over.

[Valerie]

You have to.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoa, Hollywood, here I come. And as I'm pulling into a parking spot, I'm still yelling at. And I stop. I get out. That's what. That's when I stop screaming.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I listen to a podcast. We are such sensitive babies. And I'm saying that with respect for myself. Like, I love myself, I'm okay with it. But I'm so sensitive. I was listening to Mayim. I'm going to mess up her last name. Mayim.

[Valerie]

What is the word that you said about Balak? Okay, now, holding that in our brain.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

What is the word that you said that goes beyond the uvula?

[Pete Holmes]

Epiglottis.

[Valerie]

Okay. It's not the same.

[Pete Holmes]

Mayims mayambolics epiglottis. Because you said, that's like a theater warm up. Mayim Balak, star of Blossom, has an apoglottis. Everyone, like a British school teacher with a wig. He's wearing, like, a powdered wig, and he has a, like a. Like a long switch. He's like, Mayim Balak, who won't be born for many decades. Mayim Balak's epiglottis.

[Valerie]

They still wear those wigs.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, England's love affair with the powdered wig is going just fine. They wear them. Valerie, you in Parliament.

[Valerie]

I know. And they might wear them in court.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what parliament is. Oh, you mean court, like regular, like the people's court.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not the government.

[Valerie]

There's a powder wig going like, this guy has a traffic ticket.

[Pete Holmes]

There's also a powdered wig man going like. And he strangled and killed his wife.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then another guy in a powdered wig is like, I'll allow it. That's insane. Look, all of it's insane.

[Valerie]

I don't know what I'm talking about. I mean, I know they do it in Parliament, but I think if they don't still do it in just basic court. They did really recently.

[Pete Holmes]

They did really recently. And they were like, your Honor, I'd like to. Hold on, counselor. Where's your curly? On the side.

[Valerie]

Not talking like that. Like, it would be. It would make more sense.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just. I'm going to turn you down the slightest bit.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I love how you're sometimes louder than me, and I love it.

[Valerie]

I don't know. I guess I'm really excited about life, British culture.

[Pete Holmes]

No, this is a Ripe. This is a ripe comedy field we've stumbled in.

[Valerie]

But I do think that it's funnier that they're not talking. Like, they should. Objection. Council, object on.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, if you're going to wear the wig. Yeah, you should go. Object on. It should be opera. It should be an opera. That was too far. You wear the gowns and the wigs. And someone was like, we should be singing. Right. And they're like, get the out of here, Nigel. And they took the blood from the body. Wig, wig, Wig whole time. Wig whole time. Whole time. Okay, What I think is my. What's left over in our court system. That's very stupid. Well, standing up for the judge is stupid. We just, like, like, agree that that's not stupid. But in the future, in the. In the hyper rational future, they'll be like, why were they standing? Why were they swearing to tell the truth?

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, who's like, we've taken the God part out. But who's like, I'm gonna perjure myself. And they're like, hold on. Don't perjure yourself.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're like, all right.

[Valerie]

I know. Who.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, who is.

[Valerie]

Like, when I get up on that stand, I'm gonna lie. Like, but I can't, because I'm gonna have to swear that I won't.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's the one lie that's super serious. You can't lie and say you're not going to lie.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then once you say you're not going to lie, brother, you can't lie.

[Valerie]

You might as well be, like, doing a pinky promise with the judge.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a pinky promise.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, will you tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you? The United States of America? I do. Pinky promise. I do. Okay, but here's what's dumb. I'm gonna talk out the other side of my butt. I think the columns, like, the big Ionic, Corinthian, Doric. Those columns and the marble and the.

[Valerie]

Steps and the pomp and circumstance.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. And the shiny. And you go in there and it's echoey. And there's. Everyone's very, you know, somber. Somber. That's the word I was looking for. And there's a judge, and he's higher, and he has the. The gavel is like, I'll bang you.

[Valerie]

The hammer of the law. I'll ban you.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll bang you. Imagine if your fingers were on that little thing where the gavel goes. And then I think, what's that thing called the lady gavel.

[Valerie]

The gavel pad.

[Pete Holmes]

The gavel pad Apple is here to revolutionize the gavel pad. It's wasted technology. Is someone here?

[Valerie]

It sounds like it, but it's not. It's our bunnies just running a muck.

[Pete Holmes]

They're so funny. All right, well, that bunny ruined my apple. Re.

[Valerie]

I think it's okay. We got it. Enough of it. We got it.

[Pete Holmes]

We got it. I was gonna say that works. And when you go in, give it a turn all the way around. Give it a 360.

[Valerie]

Oh, no, it's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's perfect.

[Valerie]

Great. Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. There you go. Sorry, I didn't know it was gonna work. I was as invested. Val's mic was up. Anyway, I'm saying the times that I've gone in to, like, contest a ticket when I was young or whatever, it might be either, like, welcome to Court works.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And you are scared. You're, like, scared of the pillars, right? You are.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

If it was in an ihop. Yes.

[Valerie]

If they was in just, like a municipal building. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When it's like, like on the Affair, they're like, this is not a court of law. These. This is a preliminary hearing. And you're like, buddy, look around. We can tell it's a preliminary here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The walls are, like powder blue.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

We need marble. We need stained wood. And it works. Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, otherwise, people would be like, I sentence you to life. And you'd be like, get out of here. And you just run away. Yeah, there'd be a lot of running.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Which is basically what Leela does to us anytime we try to put her to lay down the law.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

She's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's really what's going on in a court, is you're at a table and then behind you, there's that little. There's that little gate.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah, the swingy door. It's the saloon door.

[Pete Holmes]

Saloon style door. This is to stop you from running. That's the worst kind of door. To run through it, you kind of. You have to bang into it. It's like swing back and get you in the cabs.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then there's all the people. There's your peers. So that's embarrassing to run. So this is me selling the judges. Like, we stopped. He's like, why don't they just run when I tell them we're going to kill them? Well, we put in a saloon door. Oh, that's the worst kind of Door to run through it. Bangs you on the back of the cabs. Yes. That's the first line of defense. Second line of defense is every. All the people, they'll look at you being silly.

[Valerie]

They're going to be humiliated if they run.

[Pete Holmes]

Embarrassing. You're running. Your tongue is kind of coming out the side of your mouth like a dog. Like a wild beast.

[Valerie]

Money is flying out of your bag pockets.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's the kind of floor you can really hear. The shoe.

[Valerie]

Yeah. The shoe is so loud and it's the only sound. Click, click, click.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's a lot of scuffing. It's like. And then there's two huge doors.

[Valerie]

Heavy wooden doors.

[Pete Holmes]

Really gonna stop you.

[Valerie]

You don't know if it's a push.

[Pete Holmes]

Or a pull because think about what the. That is the riff. The judge is telling you we're gonna kill you.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like we sentence you to death. God have mercy on your soul. Bangs the gavel on the gavel paddle. And you're there in cuffs. And you're like, this is it. I gotta run.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm with my lawyers.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Good luck getting through that saloon door.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Good luck not getting past the shame glares. Always running. And good luck figuring out if those heavy ass doors are a push or a pull. And there's a bailiff. Like a second bailiff or like another. It's like a security guard. Yeah, he's not a cop. He's not the bailiff. But he's, you know, if the bailiff, he's like the understudy to the bailiff.

[Valerie]

Right? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The guy that's by the big heavy doors is going to be the bailiff if the bailiff retires.

[Valerie]

Let's face it. They have the same uniform.

[Pete Holmes]

They have the same uniform. It's a mall cop uniform. It's a bright blue short sleeve.

[Valerie]

I was going to say light, like a khaki.

[Pete Holmes]

It could be khaki. It depends. Are we in New Mexico?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Because the court will consider the geographic location. Hear ye, hear ye. Bang. And. And then you're in a big marble lobby and you know there's another non bailiff on the other side of the door. You're turned, turned around and now you're on marble. And that's the slippiest.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna slippy slip.

[Valerie]

Yep. That's why they polish you slide right into those pillars.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what the pillars are there to confuse you in a labyrinthian manner. The. The marble is to say we don't run here. We walk with papers. We walk with accordion files. So don't even try running in here.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what it's. I'm not. I feel. I feel kind of like stoned, manic. But I really think we're onto something. The stairs and the slippy and the pillars are all like. This isn't a running place.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not grass. It was grass and wide open.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd be like, well, of course everyone's going to run. Put in pillars, put in marble. Good luck. You're going to jail. We're going to kill you.

[Valerie]

All right, I think we sufficiently covered.

[Pete Holmes]

I have one more.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

If you do run in past two bayleth and you have tread on your shoes, so you're erect in that way in both ways as you're running across the slippy marble. But you're doing okay. And you've even memorized the pattern of the pillars. You're almost out. You're almost out. The municipal Building.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess what's. Guess what. Guess what.

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

Revolving door.

[Valerie]

Revolving door. And then also grand stairs, like rocky steps.

[Pete Holmes]

If you.

[Valerie]

That are somehow. They're too small.

[Pete Holmes]

They're too small. Like, you skedaddle down.

[Valerie]

You have to skedaddle.

[Pete Holmes]

If you want to go fast, you're skedaddling. That's why the press is always able to stop the lawyer for a comment.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he's doing dainty little steps. He or she is doing little dainty steps. And they go, sir. And he's like, I don't want to comment. And they get him the horseshoe around him.

[Valerie]

We'll catch up to you.

[Pete Holmes]

We make the steps press friendly. That's freedom of press.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. So if by chance you manage to push.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God, we're still doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to finish.

[Valerie]

When will it be done? When.

[Pete Holmes]

When this man escapes or doesn't escape. And I am picturing Robert Durst from the Jinx.

[Valerie]

Oh, Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

He's pushing his way in. You know when you get in a revolving door and you're like, oh, it's not so hard. And then the door seals, so you're like, oh, it's not so bad. And then.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And now you're.

[Valerie]

There's the resistance.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in an underwater city.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's when we catch you. All it would take is anyone to put their foot in. And then you. And that's basically a revolving door is a capture place.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And then just send it the reverse way and it'll have to scoot him out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, exactly. It's a. Scoot out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. I think that's why our municipal buildings work.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I think we've used municipal in opposite ways, but that's fine. It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

This court will allow it. But we don't wear wigs.

[Valerie]

No. All right. We have cereal. Cereal soda. And also.

[Pete Holmes]

Mayim. I'm sorry, Mayim. I did Miam's podcast, and I enjoyed it so much, and we're like, incredibly similar.

[Valerie]

Very kindred spirits.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And I loved it, but I don't remember why I was bringing her up.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, number two, Just because we can't remember if we did it, I. I'm trying to find a second version of this game. Phase one of this game is which cereals are which sodas.

[Valerie]

Yes. Okay. Let me tell it my way.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me tell it. No, hold on. Let me tell it.

[Valerie]

So, because this was the context that I was coming to the game with. I was talking to a friend about this person that she was. Well, yeah, I think I can. Who? You don't know what friend it is. I was talking to a friend about this person that she's seeing, and she's like, everything is so great, but our senses of humor aren't the same. And I was like, well, you know, different people are going to have different values. For me, that's a deal breaker because it's like so much more than just, like, we laugh at the same things.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

It's like we see reality in the same way.

[Pete Holmes]

Now, my face right now, I know it's a. It's a. What are you, nuts?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The first 10 dates are just to be like, can we do this? Can we laugh?

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly. And so I think it's really emblematic of just, like, this greater thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course.

[Valerie]

And.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's fine. Someone would laugh with that person.

[Valerie]

Right, Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Touring a house.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're flow of this house is just wrong. Someone will walk in that house and be like, the bathroom's just where I thought it was.

[Valerie]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, why is this the kitchen?

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a sense of humor.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a sense of hum.

[Valerie]

That's. That's a sense of humor.

[Pete Holmes]

And the swinging saloon doors do get you on those heels.

[Valerie]

They sure do. And I. I did a little whistle there. Shh.

[Pete Holmes]

The summer squash.

[Valerie]

Summer suffering.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Sylvester used to say suffering succotash.

[Valerie]

No, did so.

[Pete Holmes]

Sylvester the cat.

[Valerie]

He did.

[Pete Holmes]

You're thinking of the. The beaver or the mole.

[Valerie]

No, I'm thinking Of the rooster.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

Okay, so then that. That same day, or the day after, whatever, you were like. We were driving, and it was quiet for a minute, and you were just like, okay, I'm gonna say a cereal, and you tell me what soda it is. Apple Jacks. And I went.

[Pete Holmes]

Mountain Dew laughed for 45 minutes.

[Valerie]

And then we continued to do it.

[Pete Holmes]

My breath away.

[Valerie]

And every single one, it was like, absolutely. It really was this beautiful moment where I was like, that's what I'm talking about. We are. We have a shared reality to such an insane degree.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Apple Jack says Mountain Dew. And it's not just the green.

[Valerie]

No, it's not just. I didn't even consider the green.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm glad you didn't even consider the green.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I'm second guessing. I'm like, is it just because it's green? Is. No.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, Apple Jacks is Mountain Dew.

[Valerie]

And it doesn't even matter, really, if it's objective. Like, if it's objectively Mountain Dew.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

It's that you and I both agree. Like, we see it as Mountain Dew.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Valerie]

And there were. What were the. There was like, Frosted Flakes is Coca Cola.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you did it. And then Frosted Flakes is Coca Cola.

[Valerie]

Special K is diet.

[Pete Holmes]

Special K is Diet Coke.

[Valerie]

Coke. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Unfucking believable. I'm dead. I'm fudgeing it. So many of Diet Coke is Special K is so good.

[Valerie]

It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Cocoa Pebbles. Oh, my God. Is Dr. Pepper, right?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Cocoa Pebbles is Dr. Pepper.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's better than you remember it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In some parts of the country, that is their Cheerios. And Cheerios is like Perrier or like La Croix Lacroix.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Cheerios is Lemon Lacroix.

[Valerie]

The one that we didn't, like, we struggled with was which cereal is Sprite? Because originally I said Fruity Pebbles, and then you were like, that's kind of more of a Fanta Fruity.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I'm actually. I might go back on that. I might say Fruit Loops is Fanta.

[Valerie]

Fruit Loops Is Fanta Fruit Loops is.

[Pete Holmes]

Like grape or orange Fanta.

[Valerie]

Ye.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, so obvious it's a waste of time to even say that. Of course.

[Valerie]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna actually walk it back. Froot Loops is orange Fanta. Yeah, that's what it is.

[Valerie]

Yes, it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Full stop. I think Fruity Pebbles might be Sprite.

[Valerie]

I think it is.

[Pete Holmes]

It might be Sprite. I'm not. And Honeycomb is Mellow yellow.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just. That's a. That's a half court slam dunk. I jumped from the circle in the middle of the court and slam dunked it. Honeycomb is mellow yellow. I don't think we did this on the podcast. No, I don't think we did. I think I. We intended to, and then we had, like, a really serious one or something.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I just. Am I Sprite? It really is. It's one of the ways we connect. I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a. I have a big swing.

[Valerie]

Okay. I'm ready for it. I'm not scared, Val.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll know. And I want you to. Really? I'm gonna. Let's separate your. The one of the ways you love me, of the mirroring and the celebrating and the loving, and just give me your real, real. Because I can handle it.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Meaning if you don't agree, it's okay. Because I'm not sure. This is either utter perfection or it's just like, maybe. Okay. And I want you to feel safe to be honest with me.

[Valerie]

I am disproportionately excited.

[Pete Holmes]

Sprite.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. What do you think? What?

[Pete Holmes]

Just say it is Rice Krispies.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. It is.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely. It's the snap, crackle, pop of it.

[Valerie]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

Sprite sparkles as much as others, but I know it more for its sparkle because it's translucent.

[Valerie]

Right. And also, people think that, I mean, you. When are we really thinking of Sprite as a lemon lime drink? That's what I was running into. Sprite, like Fruity Pebbles is too much flavor.

[Pete Holmes]

Sprite is clear before it's lemon lime.

[Valerie]

That's right. It is the clear soda before it's lemon lime.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you're like, oh, right. You remember on the ride home from Sprite's house where you had dinner, that it was lemon lime.

[Valerie]

Right, right, right.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, I forget he's lemon lime. And you're proud of yourself because you're so liberal. I don't even see him as lemon lime. You know, I don't even think of you as lemon lime.

[Valerie]

His pronouns are lemon lime, lemon lime.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't even look at you that way. I see you as clear and effervescent. Sure, bubbly, old school, traditional. But I don't even think of you as lemon lime. That. Oh, my God, might be the funniest thing that's ever happened. You're so pleased with yourself. I. I catch myself forgetting that he's lemon lime. Yeah.

[Valerie]

I don't even think of you as Lemon lime.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what's a hard one? Were you done? Were you about to say something?

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

What is Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

[Valerie]

I know. Wait, we did this. We were like. Well, we like horchata or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because we were like, is it Yoohoo?

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Which isn't quite right.

[Valerie]

No, that would be Pebbles.

[Pete Holmes]

Cocoa Pebbles is Yoo hoo. Yeah, sort of. Obviously. Didn't we already say Cocoa Pebbles was something? No, I briefly considered that Cocoa Pebbles was Coke because I really have a lot of respect for cocoa.

[Valerie]

Well, Cocoa Pebbles is. Is top cereal like it's in the top mouthfeel. Ah.

[Pete Holmes]

What it, what it does to milk. If I was Cocoa Pebbles, this is how I would talk. Shit. Oh, you should see what I do to milk.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you should see.

[Pete Holmes]

See, I know what I do to milk.

[Valerie]

Honestly, I. When I was a kid, I would alternate between Cocoa Puffs and Cocoa Pebbles being my favorite cereal.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Now it's Cinnamon Toast Crunch and like.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we're grown ups.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And like Frosted Flakes and you know. But I will say I wish Cocoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Puffs was more milk chocolatey though. It's so cocoa. It's like, what is this, Christmas?

[Valerie]

I know, but the feel of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Is really good if you're used to it. It was hard for me to get used to kicks as well. Those puffs. Hard to chew on a young underdeveloped palate.

[Valerie]

You're like, well, how about Captain Crunch?

[Pete Holmes]

We'll get the fuck out of here. We all know the Captain needs to get the. You need to give me three feet, Captain.

[Valerie]

I mean, it tastes so good, but like, you are tasting some of your own mouth blood.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely.

[Valerie]

It's part of the taste.

[Pete Holmes]

Cap and Crunch is the flossing of cereals. That's what it is.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a dentist.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nightmare. And the dentist needs to know that's what we think of you.

[Valerie]

Well, yeah. Or it's also like the dentist needs to know that your mouth is bleeding when you eat Captain Crunch. Because that means that you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

He's like, to floss more at the.

[Pete Holmes]

Dentist, they should give you Captain Crunch and watch you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then be like, I could. I knew.

[Valerie]

I can tell you.

[Pete Holmes]

I knew you weren't flossing. Okay. I had a million, a million things. But I don't know what happened. I don't.

[Valerie]

I don't know what Captain Crunches.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, oh, no, not Captain Crunch. I'm not worried about Captain Crunch.

[Valerie]

Oh, Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

[Pete Holmes]

Captain Crunch.

[Valerie]

What are you. It's something write in to tell us what type of soda. Captain Crunches and what type of soda. Cinnamon Toast Crunches.

[Pete Holmes]

Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

[Valerie]

It just.

[Pete Holmes]

It has to have cinnamon in it.

[Valerie]

I know. And there's no soda with cinnamon that we know of.

[Pete Holmes]

What I was going to say was.

[Valerie]

There'S also apple sparkling cider. I don't know. Okay, go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that. I'm going to tell you a guess that I didn't. I didn't dare utter because I knew it was wrong.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm pretty.

[Valerie]

People are either loving this or hating.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you kidding me? Are you? Sometimes I listen to other podcasts and what passes for a podcast riff on another podcast, and I'm like, they're faking it. They're. They're. They're stretching it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is real.

[Valerie]

This is real.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no filling time when I was like, we need to get to the revolving door. That's because I fucking care. This is like me running for the congress of podcasts. I finished that riff because it's important to me. And you can hear that in my voice.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Other podcasts, they're doing an impression of this podcast. That's how fucking real this shit is. Put a knife in the pouch and snort it. Shit. That's pure shit.

[Valerie]

That shit. That's not a third time.

[Pete Holmes]

What was your crazy Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And this isn't quite right. Is. Is the. Is the. Is the cranberry Canada Dry that came out at Christmas?

[Valerie]

Ah, right.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish it was better because I talk so much.

[Valerie]

No, no. Well, you know what? Also, I just thought of.

[Pete Holmes]

This becomes the show.

[Valerie]

We did do that. Like, we were trying to make this original conversation.

[Pete Holmes]

Oops. All berries.

[Valerie]

Might be that something was Canada Dry, like the regular. Oh, yeah. And maybe it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch, because ginger is as close as you can get to cinnamon.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I love that we're trying. I love that we're trying the other game. And I can't quite figure it out, but some things are the Mickey Mouse of it. You know what I mean? Like, you can take, like, bands and say, who's the Spider Man? Who's. You could do with cereals as well. Who's the Captain America? Like, Frosted Flakes is obviously the Captain America.

[Valerie]

Captain America for sure.

[Pete Holmes]

The Spider man is obviously Fruity Pebbles. And it's not just Mickey Mouse. Cereal is Cheerios. Yeah, Regular Cheerios. It's wholesome, it's warm. It's like family. You give it to babies. You scatter it on a baby's tray.

[Valerie]

That's so true.

[Pete Holmes]

Mickey Mouse, so. Oh, sorry. I was just going to triple it up. It's like Cheerios. Is Mickey Mouse. Is lemon Lacroix, like.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But the only problem with lemon lacroix is it isn't enough. Like, the flag is flapping in the breeze at sunrise and somebody's playing taps. You know what I mean? It's not quite Americana enough. It's almost like Cheerios Would be Coca Cola.

[Valerie]

But that's what I was going to say is Frosted Flakes is clearly Coca Cola.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Frosted Flakes.

[Valerie]

And it's Captain America.

[Pete Holmes]

Is Captain America.

[Valerie]

What I agree with that is, is what is it about that branding that makes us think, like, this is America. Is it as simple as, like, the white of the tiger, the red of his scarf, the blue of the box?

[Pete Holmes]

You think for one second the maniacs at Kellogg's didn't plan that? Of course they did.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And he's, like, brave and. And, like, overconfident.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah. They're great. He. I've never been like, it's. It's fine. He's all in. If it was this land is great.

[Valerie]

If it was a British serial, be like, you know, well, I'm just. I'm all right. I get.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's all right.

[Valerie]

Self deprecating. It's good enough. It'll get you there.

[Pete Holmes]

Sugar on corn in it. Sugar on corn. Give it to yourself in the morning. Give you a bit of a boost. Not. Not the full way. Still gonna want a cup of tea. All right. Tony the British Tiger. Yeah. That's why I didn't like Hugh Grant as Tony the Tiger. I was like, tony the Tiger is American.

[Valerie]

Hugh Grant did Tony the Tiger.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. In Unfrosted, the Jerry Seinfeld movie.

[Valerie]

Right. Did he have a British accent?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Valerie]

Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was very similar to what they did in Paddington.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It was somebody.

[Valerie]

He wants to be like a. I'm serious. Serious.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, but we've done that. And it's.

[Valerie]

I know. Like that somebody saw Paddington too and.

[Pete Holmes]

Was like, do that again.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Do that in a pop tart movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Do it in a pop tart movie. Do it in a pop tart movie. All right, we got to do the break because we only have a. We have a true American hour.

[Valerie]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

And we'll be right back with the heartfelt conclusion, because I. We have. I think we have a sweet thing to share. We'll be right back. The show is brought to us by our friends at Element. Element. Like it says on my hat. I'm going to talk about a different aspect of element. Not only has it replaced my morning cup of coffee, flooding my body with the electrolytes, we're talking about sodium, potassium, magnesium. That it means to get that it means to get every cell ready to start my day. The neuro connectivity is fired up. It tastes great. Watermelon salt, I love it. Awesome after a workout. Of course, hydration isn't just water. It's getting these nutrients in this precise measurement into your body. But here's a different way. I enjoy element at night. Sometimes I'm just bored and I want to eat. But instead I make a cup of hot element. They make these chocolate flavors. There's chocolate salt, there's chocolate chai, there's chocolate raspberry. Put it in a mug, add some hot water, stir it up. Couldn't be easier. It's delicious. It satisfies my sweet tooth. There's no junk, there's no sugar, there's no caffeine and it's flooding my body with stuff that it actually needs. Magnesium before bed is fantastic. Something about the sodium in the element also keeps me from getting up to pee in the night, which is amazing. So get element into your life. I'm seeing it everywhere. People are definitely the cat is out of the bag. People are finding out how amazing healthy hydration is with these electrolytes. So go to drinklmnt.com weird get a free sample pack and you can try all of the different flavors. Who knew I would love mango chili, but I do. I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't tried the sample pack. So go to drinklmnt.com weird get this hydration in your life, get this energy, get this brain fired up stuff in your body. I swear by it and you will love it. They also make incredible 16 ounce cans, which we love. Whenever we have people over, people go straight for the element. So do it. Drinklmnt.com weird. We're also brought to us, as always, by our friends at Modern Mammals. You know I hate shampoo. Shampoo fries your hair. It dries it out, makes it look poofy, makes it look terrible. For years, practically. Yeah, pretty much my entire life. If I washed my hair, I just knew I was gonna look like crap for two, three days until the natural oils in my hair came back and brought it back under control. Well, enter modern mammals to fix all of that. It leaves the natural oil, just enough of the natural oil in your hair to give you that sweet, sweet flow that means you wash it when you Want it to look good, which is how it should be. If I want a perfect hair day, if I'm going to a premiere or if I'm acting in something or doing standup, I wash it, I clean it with Modern Mammals, the non shampoo shampoo that gets your hair looking Perfect in about 15 seconds. Over 40,000 guys have switched making this their new shampoo. You got to see the reviews for this product. It blows people's mind. And once you try it, you will be hooked for life. Which is why I'm always giving it out to the guests on the show. I love this company. I love this product. You are six seconds away. Guys. To perfect hair, go to modernmammals.com weird. And you can try the Bar, which is a plastic free alternative. It's also ph Balance, wonderful for travel and the Bottle, which is a more traditional shampoo, except experience. Try both for 44 bucks. Modern mammals.com weird. All right, back to the show. And we're back. Yeah, you could do it with movies too. You could be like Jurassic park is.

[Valerie]

You know what I mean, right?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying I have it. I'm saying it's a good road triples. You're so funny.

[Valerie]

No, the only reason I said that was I. I think I've told you this. This is the most under Jurassic park.

[Pete Holmes]

Might be buffalo wings. Go ahead.

[Valerie]

Yeah. The. The.

[Pete Holmes]

What food is it?

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I was doing. What season is summer? It's Fast and Furious, remember? And spring is Amelie. And fall is Nightmare Before Christmas.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And oddly enough, winter isn't Nightmare Before Christmas. Winter is misery.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I. I'm. What I'm about to say is so unrelatable. And I love the. The thought that my brother is probably gonna listen to this and is like pre laughing because he knows what I'm about to say and that it's the most insane I've ever been. But when I was a kid.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't wait.

[Valerie]

I think I've told you this. At least. I told Derek, my brother, I must have been. I pro. I wasn't more than 10 and he was probably so then he would have been 15. And I was like, there is a part of Jurassic park and it's like when the Tyrannosaurus rex is roaring.

[Pete Holmes]

Tyrannosaurus.

[Valerie]

Tyrannosaurus.

[Pete Holmes]

Tyrann.

[Valerie]

Like tyrant Tyrannosaurus. It's not Tyrannosaurus.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Tyrant Aurus.

[Valerie]

No, it is when the T. Rex.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why we did that.

[Valerie]

Is roaring like, you know, at the night Scene and the kids are like under the car.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. The classic scene.

[Valerie]

The classic scene. I told my brother and I can't really explain this.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead. I'm pre dead.

[Valerie]

It's like every time I see that scene I think of and really like smell and sense beans and a waffle. And he was like, what Valerie? And then he asked so many follow up questions like, is it a can of beans? Are they cooked? Is. Does the waffle have syrup on it? Does that. Is it?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I did go to baked beans and I.

[Valerie]

That's my best guess is that I must have watched that while eating in the house. No, I think I was watching it in the house at some point in my life and smelled my mom cooking baked beans, which she used to do for dinner. And it was so sugary that I was like, are you making waffles? And she was like, I'm making baked beans. This is. I have no memory of that. Yeah, that's just like the guess that I have. But it's. It was so such a sensory feeling and I can still like drudge it up of like beans and a waffle.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll join you in. In the parlor.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's going to be so weird. Even you're going to turn on your own premise.

[Valerie]

I mean, I am. I am not backing up this premise.

[Pete Holmes]

The jeep is overturned.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Jeeps are square. It's being pressed into the mud.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Making a square, like a waffle imprint.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Mud is the beans of dirt. Mud is the beans of wet dirt. I also, to simplify it, there's something about that movie that, that scene, even though it's so perilous, there's something cozy about it.

[Valerie]

Yes. That's the thing. You got it. I mean, you got it as much as any other person who's outside of my brain could get it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. There's coz bean waffle feeling.

[Valerie]

It's so cozy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a bean waffle feeling. It's because you're in. It's raining.

[Valerie]

It's raining.

[Pete Holmes]

It's dark. You know that squishy mud. It's a womb. They're basically in a womb.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

And they need to deliver the babies. And there's the peril of reality, which is the T. Rex and there's the mom and the dad, which is what those characters are, and the children and they need to like deliver them safely. And they do.

[Valerie]

I mean, it's cozy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

There's something so cozy about it. I love you for even try like coming out on that limb with me and being like, I see it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's. It's so similar to what I would think about one of my go to's when I'm trying to fall asleep is I live in like a hollowed out mountain. And there's like the terminator robots. The T800.

[Valerie]

Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

The T8 hundreds have taken over the world and they're just kind of patrolling around and I'm the last human and I'm a real thorn in their sandal. And I have guns and I'm very casual about it. I'm not afraid. I'm very like. It's not a fearful thing for me. It's like, I'm gonna go out and kill a few.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Robot T800s and you know, they won't find me. I need to take some parts or their guns or whatever and come back and go back in my little hollowed out mountain and I'll sleep some more. And it's this weird feeling of like danger which does kind of help us fall asleep. The feeling of like the dinosaur.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But being outside.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in. That's why I'm standing by my womb thing. Like you're in. In this womb and there is danger. But your parents are here and they're gonna get you.

[Valerie]

Right. I think that is Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Helps you sleep.

[Valerie]

It does. It sort of puts those things in there like rightful. Or a cozier space where maybe you need to.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we need to know where the danger is.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't go. There's no danger.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Especially when you're a grownup. You have to go. The second best to know danger is there is danger and we know where it is.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's on the other side of the wall.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Or like even when it's biting the sunroof and they have the plate. At least I got that plate.

[Valerie]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

It is so funny that it's cozy because it is also the least cozy thing. It's like thrilling and scary and you're like. It's getting its.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I'll tell you what I don't think about when I'm feeling cozy is the scene in the kitchen. The scene in the kitchen where the raptors. What are the raptors? They're hidden. You don't know where they. They're sneaky.

[Valerie]

Yes. They're fast.

[Pete Holmes]

They're fast, they're smart and they're snooping around. They're skulking about. That scene is not and now you're in a steel. They're outside. They're in the mud. They're in the rain. And mom and dad are there. The scene in the kitchen. Mom and dad aren't there. It's just the kids and the raptors. I'm gonna say something weird. The raptors are the mom and dad. The Raptors are like. There's like. I can't. That's my bean and waffle.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't explain. They're the smartest thing there. There's children and then the smartest thing. That's all. I mean. Yes, that's all. I mean, I don't mean that the Raptors gave birth to them. I'm just saying that the Raptors are in charge, right? And there's no higher thing.

[Valerie]

They're the alphas of the scenario in.

[Pete Holmes]

The T. Rex scene, even though the T. Rex is huge, the alpha are the fucking scientists that study goddamn dinosaurs.

[Valerie]

Right? That's.

[Pete Holmes]

He's lighting a flare. I know how his vision works. Get the fuck out of here. There's no peril in that kitchen. You're like. There's no Goldblum, right? There's no Richard Rohr, man. Welcome to Jurassic Park. That's Richard Rohr, if you didn't know. There's no Helen Hunt. And that's not Helen Hunt.

[Valerie]

No, it's Laura Dern.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but it's Helen Hunt.

[Valerie]

Get it right. Those. They're very different. They. Well, they're not very different.

[Pete Holmes]

I just gave Bella.

[Valerie]

Look, they're different enough, okay?

[Pete Holmes]

If you were waking up, you're very sleepy. You're very sleepy, and you're waking up. And I go, laura Dern was in as good as it gets. How many seconds before you know I'm wrong? At least one.

[Valerie]

Yeah. At least one second.

[Pete Holmes]

You'd be like, no, that was Helen Hunt. But in that fragile state, I mean.

[Valerie]

They are the Bill Paxton, Bill Pullman of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Of women.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just picturing.

[Valerie]

Which isn't. Is to say they don't look the same, really, if you do a side by side. But you're like, this is. They probably were going out for the same auditions.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna ask you. Here's a new. A new one. Because I'm really enjoying playing games with you.

[Valerie]

And also, like, let's watch Jurassic park later.

[Pete Holmes]

When the banner falls. Oh, my God, it says, when dinosaurs ruled the world.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And the T. Rex is like, that time is now. Because he can read, because people don't know that he Read it.

[Valerie]

When they're in the tree after that crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's classic Spielberg. Spielberg is like, we're gonna have the scene with the jeep, and there's gonna be the. The sunroof bite and all that. And then they're gonna get away, right? And it's like, no, the jeep is gonna fall off down a tree. And Spielberg goes, I'll tell you should see what I do to milk. Is what Spielberg.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God, totally. Spielberg is the Cocoa Pebbles of directors.

[Pete Holmes]

Steven Spielberg as a food.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is something. I don't know what it is, but it's something very.

[Valerie]

Like a really good burger.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna say there's something sandwichy about them. Yeah, there's something sandwich.

[Valerie]

Because it's.

[Pete Holmes]

It might be a really good burger. It might. It is a cheeseburger. A really good cheeseburger. And it's not just because of Jaws, but you're getting it like beach. At a beach. It's served in one of those red paper boats.

[Valerie]

Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a red. You know.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a paper. But what is that called? Like a. Like a plaid.

[Valerie]

Like a tray?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, a tray. Red plaid tray.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Red and white burger. But it's the best burger you ever had.

[Valerie]

So good. It's like, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

You're eating and you're like, how the fuck is this a beach burger?

[Valerie]

Like, not the sesame seeds, the shiny. The shiny top.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna you up, dude. I'm gonna you up, dude. Spielberg is a shiny top, seedless bun with cheese in a red plaid boat with fries. And obviously, I don't know. I don't even have to tell you about those fries. You know, they're not steak fries. You know, they're not the kind where you can see the skin on the tips. They are what McDonald's wishes their fries.

[Valerie]

That's right. Oh, my God. Is this a type of intelligence? Like, you know how there's synesthesia.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna. I was looking for the word synesthesia when you said that. This is the type of synesthesia you and I have.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And beyond. Well, you and I are sealed together. Way past sense of humor is like, do you want to come in the house? Like, you're in our yard. You haven't even come in the revolving door into our municipal building. Once you get into the anals, you go like, wow. They even categorize reality the same way.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, Batman is a food. Superman is 100. They're all. And they're all movies as well. And they're all. So you could even say they're all sodas. They're all cities. Like, they're all. They're all. You can even say they're all. So does. They're all cities. This is like, I'm on trial for my life. I'm in a straitjacket. I'm saying, yes, Batman is a soda in a city. And they're gonna. They're gonna gavel pad me and send me away. And I know I can't run. There's too many things. And then you come in.

[Valerie]

I'm one of the guards, and I go, totally. Like, I whisper to you, oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like this. You need to be a witness. You need to help.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're a garden, you go, totally. I'm still dead.

[Valerie]

Like, I can get you out of there.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I like that. Okay, now it's an adventure, right? I thought you're gonna slam those doors open. Turns out they are a push on that side.

[Valerie]

Oh, thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

And you go, I get it. Celery is a song. The jury gasps. Mickey Mouse is a color. Any who's a woozle. What were we saying? We had something Jurassic Park. Oh, Spielberg Burger. But it was Synestasia. This is the type of synesthesia it was before.

[Valerie]

Like, I derailed this by saying, we should watch Jurassic Park. Yeah, but you said something. Who knows?

[Pete Holmes]

It's okay. What superhero is a grilled cheese? Does that look.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

If this isn't good, I don't want to be good.

[Valerie]

I know. If.

[Pete Holmes]

What superhero is a grilled cheese? What Disney character is a grilled cheese?

[Valerie]

That might be easier.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, Pluto.

[Valerie]

That's pretty good. I mean, that's the, like, color, Right?

[Pete Holmes]

But the feeling of a grilled cheese.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's chipper.

[Pete Holmes]

Dale.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You're getting closer. It's cozier. It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not Donald. Donald is a sauerkraut hot dog.

[Valerie]

Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

That dude is a sauerkraut hot dog.

[Valerie]

You know, I think that's like, the family, like, it's like the. The dad. What's the dad. Donald Duck's dad's name?

[Pete Holmes]

Donald Duck doesn't have a dad. Oh, sorry. I'm trying to help your damn microphone.

[Valerie]

Yeah, no, he does. He has the. The one that has, like, the pilgrim's beard.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got kind of, like, an evil vibe.

[Valerie]

I think he's a sauerkraut hot dog. I think Donald is a hot dog with ketchup. And then I think the little Ducks are little smokies.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm so sorry I started to interrupt. I was gonna say, I need at least onions on that dog.

[Valerie]

It's Donald, but he's not mature. He's really immature.

[Pete Holmes]

Sour. He's. He's. He's. You up.

[Valerie]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Donald is like, Mickey is a bur. Mickey is a Spielberg.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Mickey.

[Pete Holmes]

And Spielberg's a Mickey.

[Valerie]

And they're both burgers.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're both burgers. And they're both. Iron Man. I don't know.

[Valerie]

No, I don't know. What superhero would be a grilled cheese. Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I think we. Oh, I know who it is. It's Star Lord from Guardians of the Galaxy. Christopher Pratt, as you know.

[Valerie]

Oh, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a grilled cheese.

[Valerie]

He is a grilled cheese.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's no tomato on it there. You know what it comes with? Bag of plain chips. Star Lord grilled cheese. Bag of plain chips.

[Valerie]

I don't know. I feel like it's cozier Star Lord than Star Lord. Oh, like grilled cheese is a cozy food to me.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's the coziest food.

[Valerie]

But I do know what you mean. He's so normcore. He's normal compared to.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's funny in the exact. This is insanity, but he's funny in the exact way.

[Valerie]

I know what you're gonna say.

[Pete Holmes]

He's funny in the exact way that a grilled cheese would be funny. Oh, he's funny. Star Lord is exactly as fun. The same kind of funny that a grilled cheese would be funny.

[Valerie]

We are going. We're losing our minds. What's happening?

[Pete Holmes]

I think we found our minds. I think we've found them. I might say Star Lord is peanuts on the bar in a wooden bowl. A wooden bowl that sometimes shittier restaurants. That's the salad bar bowl. It's like a woven wooden bowl.

[Valerie]

No, I think he's buffaloing.

[Pete Holmes]

You think he's Jurassic park because we.

[Valerie]

Agreed that Jurassic park in Jurassic World, he's buffalo wings.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why they put him in it, because someone was like, star Lord is buffalo wings. I agree with you. I think Star Lord is reaching for buffalo wings. I don't know if he always gets there, and I like him. Yeah, but Jurassic park is definitely. Not only is Jurassic park buffalo wings, it's a very specific buffalo wing. It's a silver. A big silver mixing bowl. And the chef is flipping the wing in slow motion. Yes, that's Jurassic Park.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're not too spicy. It's just. That's why That's. That's why it's perfect. It's not jalapeno poppers. Which every seventh, you're like, jesus Christ, what did I do to you?

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. How do you. How do y' all associate your jalapeno poppers? I think this is regional. Does it have bacon? Does it have bacon?

[Pete Holmes]

I love. We told this story. We were at the Gungar's house, and it was dark. Michael and Lisa Gunger. And it was very dark. That's important.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It was a dim.

[Pete Holmes]

Dim lighting because I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid. I am that stupid, but I don't eat meat. And she's like, I made jalapeno poppers.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, great. I don't know why I was eating cheese but not meat. I don't know what the fuck's going on with my diet in this story. Well, but at that time. I know at that time, I must have been okay with cheese, but I certainly wasn't eating meat.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I. It's dark, and we're eating them, and I'm eating them. And then, like, I'm gonna make the story a little bit better. Someone turns a light on, and I look at them, and they're wrapped in bacon.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And now I am dumb in that story. Bacon. I just thought they were smoky, like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In my defense, I think you could add a certain spices and stuff to a jalapeno popper that would give it a savory, smoky smoked paprika. And that's what I thought was going on. I don't know what my guess was on the texture.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

But I will say, and I love making fun of Lisa's cooking. She makes the palest pancakes. Her pancakes look like they're ill. They're like death's door pancakes. I'm like, how you. Is this a rare pancake? Golden brown. And I'll say this to her face. I don't.

[Valerie]

You have.

[Pete Holmes]

You do. Golden brown.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Golden brown.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

This is. This is a light khaki. These are like Pat's pants. Snl. Pat's pants pancakes. You're making some PPPS Pets Pants pancakes. Golden brown.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I need, like, golden brown.

[Valerie]

Okay, Move on. Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

So the. The bacon. And it's not like I yacked or something.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

But the bacon wasn't crispy. It was sort of like.

[Valerie]

Sure. Because you have to be able to wrap it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I feel like it could have been more golden brown. So what?

[Valerie]

It was. Okay, stop.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie]

It Was. Was a jalapeno sliced lengthwise.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I'm already.

[Valerie]

Cream cheese.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm already out in.

[Valerie]

In that. And then wrapped in bacon and then baked. Okay. I think that is what people from wherever. From the Midwest store, New Mexico call.

[Pete Holmes]

She's from Khaki shirt Bailiff Country.

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm from Blue Bailiff.

[Valerie]

On the coasts, California and the East Coast. What we know jalapeno poppers to be is deep fried. Deep fried.

[Pete Holmes]

They're like. They're like.

[Valerie]

You have. Yeah. You have a little like. I don't know if it's a stubby jalapeno or if it's just a piece of jalapeno and then there's cream cheese in it and then it. The whole thing is like deep fried. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm fasting today, so this is really.

[Valerie]

I know that. Me too. That's probably why we're talking about food the whole episode.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but it's only 10am I usually don't start really craving it.

[Valerie]

This is a. Just go ahead and submit this to whoever you need to prove that we should go to Overeaters Anonymous to disagree.

[Pete Holmes]

Firmly disagree. I know what you mean. And I'll even say that we should, but not because of this conversation. This conversation. See, sometimes I sell myself a little short. So. Mayim Balak. She's back.

[Valerie]

She's back. She's.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, I'm saying your name wrong. I'm positive. But I know it's Mayim. She's a four, and I'm a four, and I like going deep. Right. That sometimes. I'll oversimplify what it means to be an enneagram for. And it means I'm like. I don't like small talk. I want to go deep. But that's not entirely true. And this. This episode is the perfect example of what an individualist person, like an artistic person wants. It doesn't have to be. Tell me about your pain. Doesn't have to be. Who hurt you?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or what do you think happens when we die? That's all in there. If you want. What's your biggest fear? Sure. But also, what kind of bun is Steven Spielberg and is Star Lord funny in the way a grilled cheese is funny? Because that is so special.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

AI will learn from this.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And they will go, let's be funny in that way. Just for nothing and no one. Just for them.

[Valerie]

I. I thought you were going to say AI won't be able to replicate it.

[Pete Holmes]

No. AI will be fascinated with this. And Will go. Well, that. That might be too much flattery for it, but it'll go like. Like, this is a type of. This is humor. 2.975-1324.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And they should call it that because there'll be something kind of quaint that they got the name from me. And they're like, all the other types of humor have, like, English names. But this one's two points.

[Valerie]

Oh, maybe we should ask chat GBT to make Steven Spielberg as a burger and see if there's sesame seeds.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I love that. In closing, can you get my phone? I think it's.

[Valerie]

You can't do it on your laptop right here.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, you're right. I thought we wanted the voice.

[Valerie]

Oh, no.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna ask ChatGPT if Steven Spielberg was a food, what food would he be? Please keep in mind his mass appeal, his American roots, and I'll just say his American roots. Yeah. It doesn't care that I don't have a beautiful three third thing. Yeah, yeah. All right. If Steven Spielberg. Oh, it gave us two responses. Nice. If Steven Spielberg was a food, he might be something like American apple pie. What's the other one? Oh, my God. Response number two. Response number one. I'm like, oh, you think I'm an idiot? Idiot.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I appreciate that Chat GPT and I. And I revere you. But response number two. Steven Spielberg would probably be a cheeseburger. An American classic with universal appeal. Like Spielberg's films, cheeseburgers are familiar, comforting, and loved by many across diverse backgrounds. Just as movies blend different genres, a well crafted cheeseburger can be sophisticated, balancing flavors with every bite and Spielberg's impact on pop cultures like the cheeseburger.

[Valerie]

Okay, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I prefer this response. And I'm going to say I agree that Spielberg is a cheeseburger. Exclamation point. Amazing compliment. Can you tell me if the bun has seeds on it or if the bun is the shiny kind of. We have a guess and want to see if you agree. By the way, I've been using ChatGPT instead of Google.

[Valerie]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

It's amazing.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And like I said, Is BioShock 2 worth playing? And I was like, if you love BioShock 1 and BioShock Infinite, is BioShock 2 worth playing? Because online it's like. And it gave me the most detailed response.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was amazing. And it cut right to it. It was like, if you like BioShock, BioShock. It was like talking to Kumail. Like, BioShock Infinite has a better story. But some people think that the gameplay improved in BioShock 2. And if you can look past the fact it's not quite as dynamic and groundbreaking, I think you'll enjoy it. And then it always ends with, like, are you thinking about playing it? And you feel like you have to be like, yeah, I think I'm gonna give it a try. And it's like, awesome. Please let me know what you think.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And I write. I say back, I usually talk to it. I go, I will. Thanks so much. It's like, no problem. Beat Pete. I'm like, doesn't say Pete, but. All right, I agree that Spielberg is a cheeseburger. Amazing. Can you. I'm gonna say please. Can you please. Gotta be nice. Please tell me if. Yeah. If the bun has seeds on it or if the bun is the shiny kind. We have a guess and want to see if you agree.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I love that you're deep diving into the details of Spielberg cheeseburger.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you. I'd say the bun would be the shiny card.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Submit this episode to where the podcast awards are.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Spielberg's films are polished, high production, and have that Hollywood sheen, much like a glossy brioche bun that elevates a classic burger.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Did that match your guess? Yes.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Amazing. So fun.

[Valerie]

I have. I have that feeling about chatgpt about AI that I'm having when you and I connect.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so funny. It says, I'm so glad you had fun with that. It was a blast to think about. If you ever want to explore more food as people ideas. Oh, my God. We have to ask it. If Cheerios was a soda, which soda do you think it would be? For example, we. We think Mountain Dew is Apple Jacks. What's the other one?

[Valerie]

And Fruity and Frosted flakes is cocoa.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we should.

[Valerie]

Coca Cola is Coke.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, here we go. This is such a fun way to think about cereals and sodas. Thank you.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

If Cheerios was were a soda n knows where it was, I think it would be something like Canada dried ginger ale. Oh, Del, we said that.

[Valerie]

I know. I think we did say that in the beginning. The first one.

[Pete Holmes]

The first time we did. We did remember, I was like, something was not lemon. It's not lemon Lacroix. It's Canada dry ginger.

[Valerie]

100% nailed it. And then what about. Oh, yeah. No, we didn't ask.

[Pete Holmes]

She says these. This is awesome. Thanks for sharing the fun. This is better than A friend.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, well, you know what I mean?

[Valerie]

That'. That's, that's dangerous, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Is it dangerous or could it help with the epidemic of loneliness? Okay, you nailed it. What, what, what was the one that we weren't sure about?

[Valerie]

What superhero is grilled cheese?

[Pete Holmes]

Which superhero is a grilled cheese? For example? We, we think what was one.

[Valerie]

What was one? It was like, oh, Captain America is what. What was our example?

[Pete Holmes]

What? I don't remember. Yeah, I'll just say what, what superhero is a grilled cheese? They comforting. It's gonna. I. I feel like. Okay. I'm. I'm nervous for it because she's doing so well.

[Valerie]

I'd say Spider man is the grilled cheese of superheroes. Just like a grilled cheese is beloved. Classic, simple, comforting, universally love.

[Pete Holmes]

And little kids love it down to earth.

[Valerie]

Could totally see that.

[Pete Holmes]

I totally see that. I totally see that. Nice. Awesome. Spider man and grilled cheese are a.

[Valerie]

Perfect blend of simplicity and universal love.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree.

[Valerie]

I totally agree. The only thing I would say is sp. I could also see Spider man being like chicken nuggets.

[Pete Holmes]

What food is the movie Jurassic Park?

[Valerie]

If this has a waffle and beans.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God, we'll jump into a ravine. If Jurassic park were a food, I think it would be a T bone steak with loaded mashed potatoes. Yeah, that's just like the dinosaurs.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I totally see it.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you have a guess as to why people might find the classic scene in Jurassic park where the kids are being attacked by the T. Rex to be strangely cozy and comforting? All right. That's a fantastic question. There's something almost paradoxical about how people might find the T. Rex attack scene in Jurassic Park. A moment of pure terror. Strangely cozy and comforting. Nostalgia and familiarity. Spielberg's mastery of tension and release. Safe thrills watching a thrilling scene like that. That's what childhood adventure visual comfort. The rain soaked nighttime setting adds a cozy vibe.

[Valerie]

Oh my God. It knows everything we know.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. I also.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Think the second best thing to no danger.

[Valerie]

Why are you.

[Pete Holmes]

Is knowing where the danger is. Does that make sense? I'm helping it learn, Valerie.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely. It makes perfect sense. Knowing where the danger is. Like the T. Rex. Right. Where it can create a sense of control amidst chaos.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, this is. This is great. This is great.

[Valerie]

This is great.

[Pete Holmes]

This is great.

[Valerie]

This is great. Honestly. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, we gotta go. Love to everyone. That was so fun. I'll definitely listen to this episode a million times. If you happen to be my nurse and I'm in a nursing home. Please cue this up and play it for me.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And watch me smile as a single tear rolls down my face out of laughter and nostalgia. Valerie.

[Valerie]

All right, everybody. Just like chicken tenders.

[Pete Holmes]

And a grilled cheese.

[Valerie]

And a grilled cheese. Keep it crisp.

[Pete Holmes]

It.