We Made It Weird #206

Summary

"We Made It Weird #206" — You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Date: February 14, 2025
Hosts: Pete Holmes & Valerie Chaney

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Pete and Val riff on the weirdness of cravings, food obsessions, and the Super Bowl experience in New Orleans. The conversation winds through hilarious debates about fried foods, the psychology of eating pizza, America’s food culture, the spectacle of the Super Bowl (from commercials to half-time entertainment), and even dips into the subject of desire and self-control, all in their signature playful, meandering style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fried Food, Onion Rings, and the Pursuit of Flavor

Timestamps: 06:30–26:40

• Onion Rings Disappointment:
  Pete and Val explore how onion rings never quite live up to the anticipation. Pete laments, “I've never had an onion ring that I was like, holy... Every time I eat an onion ring, I go, this is why french fry wipes the floor with your stupid...” (09:14).

• The "Chicken Skin Theory":
  The hosts craft a wild solution: what if the real secret is fried chicken skin? Frying foods in chicken skin instead of breading is what we all want, Pete argues:
  “If I’m going to go real nasty, delicious, and cheat hard... what you actually want is covered in chicken skin.” (17:36)

• Salt Retention:
  Val breaks down why fried chicken hits different than other fried foods, noting, “It's the chicken skin that's salty.” (25:41)

• Fried Foods "Should" Be:
  The hosts reflect on how chefs know what we crave, but marketing messes it up:
  “They're the original pharmaceutical industry. They're like, you want salt and fat, right?” (17:36)

• Memorable Bit:
  They fantasize about chicken fried Oreos as the next carnival food, deciding it’s weird but possibly genius.

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2. Food Culture, Diet Coke, and Salt & Straw Ice Cream

Timestamps: 16:30–26:40

• Diet Coke’s Cultural Power:
  Pete riffs on how strongly Diet Coke is branded and muses on marketing sessions just for Diet Coke (16:33).

• Exotic Ice Cream Flavors:
  They lovingly roast Salt & Straw, likening their ice cream to “what Ninja Turtles do to pizza, they do to ice cream” (19:16), referencing their outlandish flavors like “chicken and waffles” with real fried chicken skin mixed in.

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3. The Super Bowl Experience — From Halftime Hopes to Stadium Food

Timestamps: 43:40–56:09

• Attending the Super Bowl:
  Pete shares his surreal trip to the big game in New Orleans as part of a Chiefs-themed campaign, including delays, the energy at the game, and watching with Val’s brother Derek.

• Halftime Show Speculation:
  The stadium is abuzz with rumors. Pete and Val debate the best possible surprise guests: “This guy, for an entire year now, has had the most intense beef with Drake... That's a spectacle that's worthy of 100 million people watching is if he came out...” (57:20).
  They joke that the halftime show is now produced for TV, not the live crowd: “the halftime show is for the cameras. They're not trying zero percent... It sounds bad, really.” (55:47)

• Super Bowl Conspiracies:
  Theories abound about the game being “thrown,” but Pete shares insights from a production contact on psychological tactics, such as last-minute player announcements to "mess" with the opposing team’s strategy (49:06–50:41).

• Stadium Food Disappointment:
  Pete rails against the lack of gourmet options: “I was ready for like a ramen place... but, no, cafeteria. You want chicken fingers?” (63:45)

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4. Pizza as Food Desire Personified

Timestamps: 67:47–74:08

• “Pizza is the most obvious food”:
  Pete develops a bit with Derek about how eating pizza is pure, raw desire:
  “Pizza is just... it's pure desire.” (69:15)
  “You see someone eating salmon, you're like, oh, yeah, you kind of wanted the taste of the sea... You see someone eating pizza, it's just like, you were hungry, huh?” (68:59)

• Pizza Math and Food Addiction:
  Val gets real about "slice math" and how pizza sparks social anxiety about who gets the last slice: “God forbid, there’s like, one slice left... I’m getting now furious that no one else wants it, that they’re not obsessed about it like me.” (70:55)

• The Impossible Last Slice:
  They riff on the ritual of cutting the last slice in half and the self-perpetuating cycle of cheesy, salty, bready, craving.

• Mindful Eating & Desire:
  The conversation veers into how wanting—whether for pizza or sex—can be leaned into rather than immediately satiated, with Pete noting, “I've been meaning to bring up... lately... I just don't immediately satiate. So I allow myself to have a feeling that I'm not tending to, like a crying baby.” (74:38)

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5. Desire, Dopamine, and Resisting Immediate Satisfaction

Timestamps: 74:09–78:38

• Sitting with Hunger/Desire:
  Pete and Val translate their pizza talk into a broader meditation on desire, sexual energy, and dopamine-seeking behaviors, comparing pizza, porn, and Instagram as immediate, fleeting gratifications.

• Building Real Satisfaction:
  “There's something about holding on to the human experience... There's huge Reddits about it, but there's lots of people talking about [how when you stop jacking it and looking at porn]... regular, basic bitch eroticism is back on the menu.” (77:25)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Food Disappointments:
  “Onion is gonna drop out after its first semester at this college.” – Pete (12:00)

• On Chicken Skin:
  “Chicken skin...that is like the goose down of salt. It will keep it in and hold it tight.” – Pete (26:07)

• Ice Cream Comparison:
  “What Ninja Turtles do to pizza, they do to ice cream.” – Pete (19:16)

• On Stadium Food:
  “When I was going, stadiums always looked like the backgrounds of Street Fighter levels. Like, it was concrete. There's piss and there's... everything's gray and it's... It looks like a parking garage. And the food sucks. And it's a thousand dollars.” – Pete (62:53)

• On Pizza:
  “It's just pure desire.” – Valerie (69:15)

• On Not Satisfying Immediately:
  “...I just don't immediately satiate. So I allow myself to have a feeling that I'm not tending to, like a crying baby.” – Pete (74:38)

• Pop Culture Insight:
  “Tom Selleck is a friendly Burt Reynolds.” – Valerie (30:12)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 06:30 – Start of deep-dive into fried foods
• 16:33 – Diet Coke and marketing
• 18:57 – Salt & Straw and chicken & waffles ice cream discussion
• 26:40 – Onion rings and salt, “chicken skin” thesis
• 43:40 – Super Bowl campaign and experience
• 49:06 – The “throwing the game” conspiracy and real NFL strategy
• 55:47 – Halftime show spectacle for TV, not stadium
• 63:45 – Stadium food vs. expectations
• 67:47 – Philosophy of pizza and food cravings
• 74:09 – Desire, resisting gratification, and mindful enjoyment

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Tone & Language

• Conversational, playful, and irreverent
• Rich in metaphors and food analogies
• Honest about quirks, cravings, and "weirdness"
• Frequent callbacks to running bits and mutual understanding between the hosts

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Memorable Moments

• Pete and Val inventing the “chicken skin” fried everything idea for foods that disappoint
• Discussion of Rob Delaney’s rise via Twitter and the state of “X” (Twitter)
• Val’s “pizza math” and slice anxiety confessional
• Super Bowl halftime dreams of epic Kendrick-Drake drama
• The comparison of pizza to sex and the open acknowledgement of food—and life—related weirdness

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In a Nutshell

This episode is a hilarious, honest, and sometimes philosophical romp through American food cravings, the communal and primal nature of pizza, the spectacle (and reality) of the Super Bowl, and deeper questions of desire and self-control. Pete and Valerie's candid, loving dynamic shines as they bounce from fried pickles to halftime beef, always looping back to what it means to be “weird” together.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

You’ll miss Pete and Val’s infectious banter, their deep dive on why fried foods are never as good as we imagine (unless there’s chicken skin involved), a behind-the-scenes look at the Super Bowl, and reflections on the everyday challenge of wanting—food, sex, attention—and what it means to actually sit with those cravings. The episode is both funny and relatable, blending pop culture, comedy, and heartfelt realness in classic "We Made It Weird" fashion.

Transcript

[Valerie]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. Yes, you did. It made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening?

[Valerie]

We got a food one for you there.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Have a. Have a peach, Andy.

[Valerie]

Have a peach hand, brother. Have a peach, Andy.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna watch James and the giant peach brother. Have a peach, Andy.

[Valerie]

That's something I said to Pete once. The. The longtime listeners of the podcast will remember.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it. I love this episode. You didn't seem convinced that it's one of the all time best ones.

[Valerie]

I don't know. I just think you throw that around so often. You say that every time.

[Pete Holmes]

My favorite bit is losing the newest bit. Yeah. But I think this one is great. And we went into it, it's rainy and we're kind of like. And I was like, maybe it's going to be a gh. And it never is. It's always a delight to talk with you.

[Valerie]

Yeah, same. Love it.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it.

[Valerie]

We talk. It's very. It's very America, actually. We talk about food and we talk about the Super Bowl.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I was at the Super Bowl.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Spoiler.

[Valerie]

It's the most you and I, I think, as individuals and together have ever talked about football.

[Pete Holmes]

It was kind of fun. It was kind of. It was kind of fun because I learned something about the game and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, we're glad you're here. Go to peteholmes.com for my tour dates. Oh, yeah, Vancouver is kind of hurting. We added a second show and it's kind of half full, but you know. Yeah, let's go couve.

[Valerie]

Go Coo V's.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on, Coovy. Fill it up. Go to PeteHomes.com Kuver. Come on, Kuva. But I'm touched that anybody came. It's true. It's true. So, you know, maybe don't. Maybe half full is fine for the second show.

[Valerie]

Maybe. Yeah. I like that we're calling it half full instead of half empty.

[Pete Holmes]

It is half full.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

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[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it. Valerie, I don't wanna work.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wanna bang on the drums all day on this mug.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's from the office when he gets back from Jamaica and he has the tiny little braid with the bead.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God.

[Valerie]

And then he's like, he's like clicking on his, like flicking his mug. He says, just wanna bang. You get it? I don't have to walk you through everything.

[Pete Holmes]

That's something I would say. That's a very me kind of joke. To pretend to take the posture of an angry. Of an angry man.

[Valerie]

An anger. An angerman.

[Pete Holmes]

An angry man.

[Valerie]

An angry man. I just. I do feel that way, though. Like, I just want to have fun.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to have fun?

[Valerie]

I just want to have fun. Girls just want to have fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you as a girl definitely want to have fun. I don't do.

[Valerie]

I love fun.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I realized I'm warming up to fun.

[Valerie]

I know. After a long time. Like when we met 12 years ago. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We've been together the hard 12. The dirty dozen.

[Valerie]

The dirty dozen.

[Pete Holmes]

We've been together.

[Valerie]

And next year it'll be the baker's dozen.

[Pete Holmes]

I love a baker that's like, have an extra.

[Valerie]

Have a little extra.

[Pete Holmes]

Whoops.

[Valerie]

I had just enough batter to make another thumbprint cookie. Whoops. Whoops.

[Pete Holmes]

Is there a cronut in there you weren't expecting? Only the baker figured out how to, like, normalize and, you know, make it reliable that you're gonna get an onion ring with your french fries, which is always my go to.

[Valerie]

I don't think bakers are making those.

[Pete Holmes]

Those aren't bakers.

[Valerie]

You think it's anybody who cooks?

[Pete Holmes]

I want to go to. What? What are you about to say? I do want to say this.

[Valerie]

Fine. Because I have no recollection of anything I've ever said before this moment.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it. If you knew what I think an onion ring should taste like based on. Let's put it this way. When you're a kid already, you're pre agreeing. Because when you're a kid and it's like grown ups that are eating onion rings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're talking about them.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're making a big to do. It's like a. They have onion rings and they get onion rings.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But, you know, I remember being a kid being like, I don't want onions. So you. You have a long time with the idea of onion rings before you actually eat one.

[Valerie]

Ye.

[Pete Holmes]

I had one. And I'm gonna say just because it. C' est la vie.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never had an onion ring that I was like, holy. Every time I eat an onion ring, I go, this is why French fry wipes the floor with your stupid. And then people are like, try these thick cut ones.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, oh, okay. You took the volcano from Benihana. The onion volcano shape. And you deep that all I taste onion ring is one of those things that when you taste it, you know how they made it. You're eating the recipe. You're eating.

[Valerie]

There's only really two factors.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah, but you're tasting ring as much as you're. It's like you're tasting flavor. Like, look, you deep fry a potato.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Potato's like, oh, you think I taste like this? I taste like this? And you're like, like potato.

[Valerie]

Bringing out a new quality in the potato.

[Pete Holmes]

Potato goes in the Stefan Urkel machine and comes out. Did I do that? And it's crispy and it's. Fuck. And it's not coated in something else. It's not potato in a snowsuit.

[Valerie]

It's not breaded.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah. Do you want to be technical or do you want to have fun on a podcast? Yeah. It's not breaded.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. Neil breaded.

[Valerie]

Well, I just wanted you to know that there's a big difference between things that are fried. And I don't like breaded and fried.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like things that are breaded and fried. And I'm going to throw into the mix.

[Valerie]

That's. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's too much.

[Valerie]

Taking it a little too far. Are you talking about fried chicken?

[Pete Holmes]

I always have to turn you down a little bit when you get. When you get the yips. The yips? Is that an okay term? Why does it. Why do I feel like there's some.

[Valerie]

It's an okay term. It's just not the term for what you're talking about. The yips is like when you get like. I think it's like in baseball when you, You're.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

You can't.

[Pete Holmes]

I like it.

[Valerie]

You're just talking about when I get excited about FR Food.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say ripping ass means going fast, and the yips means when you get loud.

[Valerie]

When I get loud.

[Pete Holmes]

About as a loud. But I'm the only one wearing headphones, so I turned you down just the tiniest bit. But I want you to keep that enthusiasm.

[Valerie]

But I do appreciate you making a big deal about it to the point where I'm self conscious. No, it's fine. It's fine. I just have a backlog of things that I want to say about this. You went on your tear, and now.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just gonna say a deep fried Snickers bar. Same problem.

[Valerie]

Well, this is what I was gonna say is when. Okay, I do love. I love fried chicken. I, in theory, love fried food. But first of all.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, wait, wait. Fried chicken is breaded.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course it is. It's the best.

[Valerie]

I know. That's why I was like, whoa. When you were like, I don't like breaded foods.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Because the bread. Onion is a bitch. Chicken is like, I'm so much flavor. I'll fucking take whatever you give me.

[Valerie]

This is.

[Pete Holmes]

And onion's like, I'm overwhelmed. Onion is gonna drop out after its first semester at this college.

[Valerie]

Well, that.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't handle it.

[Valerie]

Yes. And this is the. This is why onion rings do not taste like how you think they're going to taste. Because what is more flavorful than a motherfucking onion?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Why? So we think that it's going to taste like onion. It's not. It's just a slimy, tasteless thing in.

[Pete Holmes]

That Was once an onion.

[Valerie]

And breaded things that are fried often we think that we're just to going, like, that's going to be the best tasting, most flavorful thing if you bread it and then fry it. But it really isn't. Like, grease is pretty flavorless.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Like, that's why you. Really.

[Valerie]

What we want is salt.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So the only good.

[Pete Holmes]

But I feel like an onion ring repels the salt. It's too wet. It's too slimy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know people are going f. Nuts right now.

[Valerie]

I mean, I've had.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'll take an unsalted fry. I'll take a cold unsalted fry. And I'll eat and be like, it's like eating an eraser. But you're like, are you erasing my loneliness because it's so good?

[Valerie]

Well, it sort of is. The. There's also a thing like, onion is one of my favorite foods. So are pickles. I don't like fried pickles.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie. Fried pickles need. Like, you know how Trump's doing all this insane shit. If, like, he just added, like. And no more fried pickles, I'd be like, maga. Jk. Jk. I'm just saying I hate fried pickles. And I was trying to say it in a fun way. Get them out. Get them out. Well, it's terrible.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And any. All of the. That's why candy bar is Oreos. These are fucking. They're not as good as they. Like, if it was like a chicken fried Oreo, like, it was somehow. I'm gonna say it. This is what you actually want. I'm gonna say it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have two things to say. One, before I forget, a cold onion ring is better than a hot onion ring.

[Valerie]

That's interesting, too. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not even worth exploring. It's not.

[Valerie]

I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't even look in that.

[Valerie]

It's not true.

[Pete Holmes]

It is true. Because they're so bad. At least a cold one.

[Valerie]

You are. You're more okay with cold foods that should be hot than I am. Like, you'll just eat leftovers from the fridge. You didn't even have a microwave for.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't really use microwaves. Yeah, I don't know why.

[Valerie]

It's really kind of wild.

[Pete Holmes]

Weird.

[Valerie]

And then I thought you were fundamentally against microwaves. So for the first five years that we lived together, I was, like, trying, struggling, just not eating leftovers. Basically living without a microwave.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Valerie]

Because I was like, I guess he's, like, afraid of the, like, radiation or something.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Valerie]

And you were like, no, I'm not.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, well, please get a microwave. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. Yeah. I don't really have much need for a microwave. My mom microwaves her coffee.

[Valerie]

I microwave my coffee all day. The other day, I put my coffee in the microwave, and it was like, tink. And it was yesterday's coffee in there that I had just forgotten.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I feel like the microwave coffee people are like a shuffle people. They're shuffling around. I envy it.

[Valerie]

A housewife is what you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

That is very. That's 10 out of 10. That's very funny. That's not what I meant.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My mom is not a housewife. My mom is in her own category.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're not her, so let's drop that.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You can both microorganize yourself.

[Valerie]

I would also not call myself a housewife, even though other people would probably call me that.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not a housewife.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Housewives are careful. What if I love them? Like, I go on and on.

[Valerie]

Housewives are perfect angels.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't know. I. I feel like if you don't have a bumper sticker on your van that says Mom Taxi Service, you're not a housewife. There's no judgment there. I'm just saying. That's the badge.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're a housewife. That's why the Desperate Housewives. You think it means they want to fuck. They're actually just searching for that bumper sticker.

[Valerie]

They're desperately looking for a bumper.

[Pete Holmes]

That's their Calvin peeing on a Chevy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They want the. Okay, here's what I really want to say. I'm gonna have a sip of Diet Coke. Just kidding. I'm trying to be more of a man of the people. Just kidding. It's just coffee. It's just coffee.

[Valerie]

Sort of being the lady of the people.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually think Diet Coke. I would. If somebody. If I was walking around a college campus and there was a flyer that said, an expert in marketing is going to talk about Diet Coke for two hours and it's free, I would go to that. I don't think I'm gonna say the thing about deep fried. And then I'm gonna go on Diet Coke.

[Valerie]

Okay, great.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the table of contents of me.

[Valerie]

Can you guys tell that we're fasting today?

[Pete Holmes]

I love when we're fasting. I love a food episode all weekend. Diet guys, go eat it in remembrance of me. I'm not even hungry yet. But it's true. But we're also just food fucks. We're food fucks.

[Valerie]

We're big.

[Pete Holmes]

We're big food fucks. We're food fucks. And we've talked about this a million. If I hang out with somebody and they're not, like, chowing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, what are you doing?

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you doing? Like, I went to the Super Bowl. We'll get to that. With your brother. And we were chowing. I loved it.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

The honking Little Caesars pizza. Oh, there was nothing. If you're a vegan at the super bowl, just jump off the top of the dome. There's nothing for you. And then they'll deep fry you.

[Valerie]

Louisiana.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true. If it was. Is there a dome here? I don't know. Okay, here's what I want to say. Here's what you actually want. I'm going to fix it. Onion rings and fried pickles and fried candy bars. And somebody out there is a chef. And this is what we actually want, okay? And you can make it happen. You want it covered in chicken skin. It's like, I know. Look, chefs for all of known time have understood what we want. They're the original pharmaceutical industry. They're like, you want salt and fat, right? You want fucking. And, like, you're not willing to do it. You don't want to kill it. You don't want to look at it. You don't want this. You don't want. But they know. So that's why I'm not going to tell you that it's a chicken. Like, we need a new term. Now we're to marketing. Now we're to Diet Coke. If I call it chicken skin, you're like, barf city. But I'm going to tell you as a I'm a terrible vegan, let's just be honest. As you've noticed since Leela's been born, I go vegetarian. But a lot of meals. Most meals. Who cares? Nobody cares. Most meals are vegan. A lot of vegetarian meals. Here we are. If I'm going to go real nasty, delicious, and cheat hard, my mouth is watering. Salt and straw. There's a place. There's an ice cream place called Salt and Straw in California. I don't know if there are other places, but they make these fucking Ninja Turtle ice cream flavors.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what they do. I can't believe. I. I can't. I've never described them before, and that's what they're doing.

[Valerie]

That was such a delayed laugh for me.

[Pete Holmes]

That was unbelievable. I'm in awe of 100. That's what they do.

[Valerie]

What Ninja Turtles do to pizza.

[Pete Holmes]

They do to ice cream.

[Valerie]

They do to ice cream. And that's their motto.

[Pete Holmes]

That. That's what it should be their log line. That's definitely their mission statement. Yeah, but they'll have, like a pear and brie ice cream or something like that. I don't really fuck with those. Like lavender, like wasp. Yeah, I don't like those.

[Valerie]

I like cookie dough.

[Pete Holmes]

I do. I like cookie dough. In a cigarette. Is like a good salt and straw flavor. Or like silverware. You know when you're eating with very nice silverware and you kind of taste some of the metal silverware and a salad ice cream, like you're kind of tasting the fork. They'll do that. So the best fucking ice cream I've ever had. And they have one at Disneyland on the way out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not in the way in.

[Valerie]

Depending.

[Pete Holmes]

Depending on how you're going. But you and I, we got our ice cream on our way out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't want to be grumps. No, we don't want to be grumps. And you want to have something to look for. That's right. You just saw Goofy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're going to try and walk to your car without an ice cream, and.

[Valerie]

You'Re just going to go be Anaheim traffic right now.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to go to Anaheim. You just met Goofy. Get an ice cream.

[Valerie]

Have to get an ice cream for the drive.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a transitionary. It's a blanket.

[Valerie]

It is. It's a transition.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you get an ice cream on the way into Disneyland. Oh, I don't understand.

[Valerie]

What are you doing?

[Pete Holmes]

I'll tell you what you're doing. You're renting A scooter?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was looking at you, I was like, you're gonna like that. It's a little mean. Oh, no, but that's Definitely true. There's 80% of the people at Disneyland.

[Valerie]

Are on scooters to get in the front of the line. You think, oh yeah, there's a whole world. There could be a documentary about the way people like use health things to. To cut the line and then how that like, actually affects people who actually need it. Of course, it's like a whole. It's a whole thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know that the, the rascal scooter was a way to get in the front because they should just have their own. You know that those images of the really round, the two round people on the tiny motorcycles, that's what Disneyland looks like. Like, you see, and they do have little mustaches and sunglasses and cowboy hats. That's what they look like. And I've never seen them scooting at like two miles an hour past a line. I've always just been like, you're already sitting. Just wait in the line, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah, they should be waiting in the line.

[Pete Holmes]

There should be a longer line for them. Yeah, the standing people should be cutting around. The jazzy people. Are they Jazzies or Rascals?

[Valerie]

Rascals.

[Pete Holmes]

Rascals, yeah.

[Valerie]

Jazzies is a fun word though. I think they're myuzzy. When people call hot tubs Jacuzzi, I.

[Pete Holmes]

Like calling them Jacuzzis and I like calling motorhomes Winnebagos.

[Valerie]

I'm really surprised because you're a snob and Jacuzzi to me is like the. To like or, you know, we're back to marketing. The real, like, you know, kind of trashier version is when you call it a spa spa.

[Pete Holmes]

I sat in the spa for a while.

[Valerie]

People do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, that, that, that triggered my. My spa. My. My spa. My inner spa. No, it triggered my snob reflex. But what's so. And I want to show all my cards here. It's just because my parents said Jacuzzi.

[Valerie]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Like there's a real. I'm a middle aged man and I'm. I'm really enjoying the, the humbling buffet of realizing everything that you think is normal is just what you were raised with and your parents are dopes and you're a dope and nothing is real. And Jacuzzi, they called their bathtub. They had a bathtub with jets in it. They called it the Jacuzzi tub. So I still go like Jacuzzi. That's like a cool.

[Valerie]

Because your parents are so cool.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly my point.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. You get it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Chicken skin. Called chicken skin.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we're also on Disneyland. No ice cream.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah, the ice cream. Salt and straw.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I couldn't be more excited to tell you guys this, but it's only. It's 10:45am so I'm not that hungry. We are fasting, but I want you to know I think this passes into people who are eating.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So people who are. I just. That is the best that I could never do on stage, which is Val and I like, talk where food, like, we'll try and be healthy. And we're like, you can't eat ice cream. It's just fat and sugar. Like, you keep salivating like you're spit betrays your righteousness. You can't. You're telling me you're gonna eat Ben and Jerry's little candies and marshmallow. Marshmallow core.

[Valerie]

And it always gets to then just, like, my favorite flavor. And, like, get explaining in, like, detail, like, getting each other all worked up about it.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. It's. We're edging most of our life. We're just edging different things. Anyway, the flavor at Salt and Straw, the Ninja Turtle ice cream place is called Chicken and Waffles. So it's a. Jesus Christ, help us, Lord, help us. It's like a maple with, like, waffle batter ice cream. And here's the kicker. And here's where chefs have stepped in and said, shut the fuck up and eat what we make you because we know what you want, you fucking piece of shit. Shut up. Because everyone's gonna go, yuck. I imagine except those of us listening that are in the culinary arts. But it has chicken. It has, like, chicken skin. Well, they like fried chicken, and they de skin it, which is all the flavor. And they put that fried chicken skin in the maple waffle batter ice cream. And you eat it and you go, I don't care if the earth explodes. I'm finishing this.

[Valerie]

Like, it could be like, if California falls into the ocean, I'll be drinking that. I'll be eating this.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll see me in the Pacific licking an ice cream cone. Everyone else is screaming out, bubbles, I'm trying to get something in. And it's so good, it might satiate me enough to get to the top.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I mean, you. You really have cracked the code. Here is every time we eat something fried that isn't fried chicken.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

We're thinking it's going to be as salty as fried chicken. But it won't be because that is not the breading that's salty. It's the chicken skin that's salty.

[Pete Holmes]

You're so right. I feel like we've nailed it.

[Valerie]

Repeated.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. This is how you summarize it perfectly.

[Valerie]

Past college is what I was going.

[Pete Holmes]

To say is regurgitating.

[Valerie]

Just regurgitating what the teacher says. And they're like perfect A plus.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know. That's all. That's our. That's a flawed educational system.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, here's my impression of onion rings. There's a big basket of them. You salt them and you hear. You hear. I'm sorry. Are the sands of time passing? None of it is clinging. All the salt falls to the bottom because you need chicken skin. That is like the goose down of salt. It will keep it in and hold it tight.

[Valerie]

It's embedded in there. It's integrated.

[Pete Holmes]

It's integrated. It's not salted. It is salt.

[Valerie]

It is salt.

[Pete Holmes]

It is salt. And you put that on a fucking Oreo.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you don't call it chicken skin. You call it swatch. Swatch. Look, it's the one to beat. Swatch is also a type of watch. You call it. What do you want to call it?

[Valerie]

Chicks? Crisp skins.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you call it chicken fried Oreo. That's what you call.

[Valerie]

Oh yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Chicken fried oreo.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Cuz there is chicken fried steak.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's not chicken skin. No, that's just. They fry.

[Valerie]

I don't know how you're going to put chicken skin on any. It's. You're actually.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to see it.

[Valerie]

Oh, I guess you're.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to see it.

[Valerie]

Adding it to the breading.

[Pete Holmes]

That's one way I think if we're wearing. Now we're wearing lab coats in the kitchen.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which always leads to fun where I think I'm taking the skin off of a chicken. What is that called? Thigh, I guess.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm wrapping it around. It's disgusting. It's gross. It's gross.

[Valerie]

And Oreo is the grossest example you could think of. Like, let's keep it at onion rings because I mean, I've never had a fried Oreo, but I just can't imagine that I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. No. I don't even know if I would love. I think I would love a chicken fried Oreo. Chicken fried Oreo. I chicken fried anything you could chicken fry. Car keys. Is Such a hack example. But like, I'd chicken fry an American Express card and I'd eat that.

[Valerie]

Car keys is a hack example. I feel like I never have heard somebody say that.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Valerie]

Yeah. But you're living in.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's because Robin Williams had a joke where he's like, you know. You know, you have to get sober when you wake up ass up on the hood of your car with your keys in your ass. And now thoughtful Robin Williams. Oh, that's beautiful.

[Valerie]

I mean, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

We just rewatched Hook and you didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Making hook was great.

[Valerie]

See this scene?

[Pete Holmes]

They shaved my arms.

[Valerie]

They did.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. They shaved his arms and his hands.

[Valerie]

Not stars and hands, whole body.

[Pete Holmes]

They gave Robin Williams a chicken fried body.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because let's be real, it's not very Disney to be Peter Pan and look like there's a full moon and you've been bit by a werewolf. I mean, like, he's very.

[Valerie]

Anytime I've seen his knuckles and arms, it is distracting casting.

[Pete Holmes]

It's distressing.

[Valerie]

It's distressing.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Valerie]

You casted those hairy arms and knuckles. That's distressing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But also hyper virile too. I mean, he's. He seems so full of life that it's. Even his knuckles are like. We have full heads of hair as well. You know what I'm saying?

[Valerie]

I guess. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Was Rowan Williams losing his hair? I feel like he was kind of.

[Valerie]

Maybe towards the end.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In Good Will Hunting, I think he was. But his knuckles. There's no male pattern knuckle hair loss.

[Valerie]

And there really is like my mom's generation. And maybe there's obviously there's exceptions, but I feel like my mom's generation, they really were looking for like a hairy man.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's a thing. They loved the mustache of the body.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They wanted it all.

[Valerie]

They wanted a Burt Reynolds chest hair kind of guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And then we came around and we're like, Burt Reynolds looks. He has resting, furious face.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not just angry.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Burt Reynolds looks.

[Valerie]

Well, that's why we love Tom Selleck, because he's a friendly Burt Reynolds.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, if you're just gonna. Like, what you just did was you rappelled down a skyscraper. Cut. With a diamond cutter and like went in and robbed a bank that's somehow on the top floor of a skyscraper. That was the best observation of all time. Tom Selleck is a friendly Burt Reynolds.

[Valerie]

Right. And my grandma liked Burt Reynolds. My mother liked Tom Selleck.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And we like Timothy Shallon.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So there's just sliding one way.

[Valerie]

Actually. Everything you need to know about the generational differences.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why we started watching Catastrophe. And for some reason, I had never seen it. Well, we talked about that. Anything that I could have been in. Sometimes it's hard for me to watch because I'm like, that should have been me. Which I'm so. I'm not defending that. There's just whole. Like. I won't watch shrinking because I'm like, I want to be in a show with Harrison Ford.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is so stupid.

[Valerie]

And I mean. Yeah. Shrinking is so good.

[Pete Holmes]

What just happened? But why did it do that? All right, here we go. Everything's fine.

[Valerie]

Are we still recording?

[Pete Holmes]

Yep. That was a little nerve wracking. The computer just went goofy anyway. But. But Rob Delaney is sort of. I was enjoying how Tom Sellecky he is.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's kind of like a classic.

[Valerie]

An old school kind of old school classic. Hairy, handsome.

[Pete Holmes]

Hasn't swung a baseball bat in a long time. But first pitch, you know, he could do it. He hits it.

[Valerie]

He could do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Goes really far, too. And then he says something really funny like, wow. Really got to the center of a Tootsie Pop there, didn't I? Or something like, but great. Not that great. Yeah, but something.

[Valerie]

Not that. But.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's always making jokes that remind. Yeah. Something funny there. Right in. Right into the show. What would Rob Delaney say if he hit a baseball? Wow. Pop goes the weasel, huh?

[Valerie]

Did he. Did he get famous from Twitter?

[Pete Holmes]

Look, let's just. I'm going to show all my cards. I like this question.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because Rob knows what Rob is. We talked about this, but he was sort of. I forget where we were. I think we were in Seattle and he was just talking about being a little. Feeling a little stuck or whatever. He was doing great, but, like, he was like, I need something to break. Like, so many of us have that feeling.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Over and over. You're like, just need something to break.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he. I don't recall exactly what I said, but I was like, just, you know, find your thing and keep doing it. Stick with it. Stick. And then, like, he said that our chat informed him, being like, I'm gonna triple down on Twitter. And that's like, are you kidding me? I'm not kidding.

[Valerie]

What? Is this real?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm embarrassed. This is real. And I can't believe.

[Valerie]

I know you wouldn't lie about it, but I just am.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I feel even a little squirrely. I have the yips even saying It.

[Valerie]

I feel that all that it was was if we didn't know and love you and we heard someone else say that, we'd be like, well, I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

Know, because Birbiglia's talked me off many a ledge and reminded me of who I am. And all I said was like, I don't know if it was like, you're on Twitter. That's so funny. Triple down on that. And he did. Or maybe our conversation was more general. Here's what I know. I don't deserve any credit. I really don't. But he marked that point in his life as, like, not knowing what was gonna happen. And like, a month or two later, he really, like, started tweeting a bunch, and that really blew him up, I really think.

[Valerie]

I think. And I don't. I. You know, I haven't been on Twitter in years, as evidenced by the fact that I call it Twitter. We're still calling it Twitter, right? Nobody's saying X. Or are they?

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody's saying X.

[Valerie]

Okay. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

If you say X, you say X. Formerly known as Twitter.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you can't.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is, like, so stupid. He was like, I'm gonna call it X. I don't know how to do his voice. And it's like, it's the shortest thing it could be. And now it's the longest thing it could be because now you have to say X. You know, Twitter. Do we still say Twitter?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now it's called a paragraph.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Right. Well, there was a time when I was really engaged in it, and like most people, that's how I became aware of Rob Delaney. And I would say, I think he is the best tweeter that there ever.

[Pete Holmes]

That there was.

[Valerie]

I think he was 100% born for that.

[Pete Holmes]

Mike Burns was really good at it. Piece pizza nacho 69.

[Valerie]

Yeah, he did.

[Pete Holmes]

Pizza nacho 69. I mean, RIP Twitter, man.

[Valerie]

I know when it was very good.

[Pete Holmes]

Because. No, this is not why people tune into this podcast to be like, should I still be on Twitter? Like, it's rough out there, man. Yeah, totally rough out there.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's like once. Once. Sorry, Once anything starts skewing elections. You know what I mean? Or, like, changing culture. So, like, it seems like one for one. It seems like it starts to feel like a virus or something. It's like, this has too much power over us. Like, I don't feel like. No, they all do. Well, I was going to say Instagram. They all do. Television, Instagram, movies, all of it. Culture. It's. It's it's intense, but it's so specific.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Tweetsies.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Like, I haven't watched news in a long time, but it's. I remember a time, and maybe it still is like this, where it felt like the 24 hour news cycle, like 20 of those hours were them just reading people's tweets.

[Pete Holmes]

It's exactly that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They can't stop and they'll just tweet. You know, regular folks just being like. Just like, they used to talk to people on the street, now they're reading tweets.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't even know if that person was actually at the stampede.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? It's not verified. It's like, it was crazy. One of the bulls was smoking. They're like, that's what he. Yeah, but look at the location. He's in Sweden. Doesn't matter. Post trip, one of the bulls were smoking, and one of the bulls was smoking. You have one cigarette.

[Valerie]

One for one half hour. Yes. You take a break for one half hour.

[Pete Holmes]

Nick Kroll's impression of Europeans. I think about it all the time. I do too. You smoke one cigarette, take break for one half hour. No, it's like you work for one half hour. Take nap for three hours. Go for bicycle ride. Have fatty lunch, never gain weight. Have. Have cigarette. No cancer. Because, you know, we just don't believe it.

[Valerie]

Very good.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so we covered everything important. Chicken fried.

[Valerie]

Yeah. We figured out we cracked the code on fried things. You want chicken skin? You want.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't call it that. You just call it chicken fried Oreos.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, if you do this and you make billions, like, just send us some. That's the only thanks we need.

[Valerie]

Not. Not some of the billions or some of the. The chicken fried Oreos.

[Pete Holmes]

That's to be determined. I mean, like, if this changes the world, like, I think it will maybe send us a sliver of those bills.

[Valerie]

Yeah, just a. Just a single bill would.

[Pete Holmes]

One bill. Oh, I would love one bill.

[Valerie]

Oh, that's actually the. I would cap it at one bill.

[Pete Holmes]

Your money, aspirations.

[Valerie]

Yeah. No, I mean, well, I don't have the aspirations to have a bill. I'm just saying I would. I certainly. I don't even know if I want a bill, but I know I don't want any more than a bill.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's for sure.

[Valerie]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

You definitely don't want to be a billionaire too. There's some guy out there, or a woman or a conglomerate, but a person. It has to be A person that has $900 million and he's like, strategically not making another hundred because he doesn't want to be on the list.

[Valerie]

You think?

[Pete Holmes]

Because as soon as. Well, this is a bit. But like, as soon as you become a billionaire, you're one of the fucking billionaires.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, billionaires shouldn't exist and all that sort of stuff. It is. Did I tell you this? They were like, money addiction is the only addiction where the addiction hurts everyone else. Like, if I do heroin, heroin kills my body. But if I do money, it kills the earth. It kills every. It kills all the people that don't have it.

[Valerie]

Wow. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Did we talk about that last week?

[Valerie]

Probably harms you too.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, of course it does. But like, the side effects are worse for the people around you. Yeah, but that's also true for alcohol and heroin and.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Any addiction. But we were also saying, like, I forget who I was talking to. I was like, it's so funny that we all just kind of like go around wanting each other's money and, like, we change it. We. It changes hands.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You can have it then. You can have it then it just kind of shifts around.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that weird?

[Valerie]

That is weird. Yeah. Let's go to the mid Rolls and then we can talk about how you went to the Schnooper Bowl.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. We'll talk about my. I don't want to say altercation, but Kendrick and I had beef. There's a beef. He said when I ran into him in the hall and he said after our. It was like a six minute talk. I don't know how I got him so angry in six minutes. But he went, you Drake now. He said that he'd go, you Drake now. And I said, what, man?

[Valerie]

How could you blow it so fast?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know, six minutes. And he said, I like Drake compared to you.

[Valerie]

Drake is my BFF compared to how I feel about you now.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. And then he put his hand real high and he went, Drake. Then he went real low and he went, you. And then all the dancers from the halftime show were there. The red, white and blue dancers. Yeah, they. They assembled to be a middle finger.

[Valerie]

They did it so fast, like they had been practicing.

[Pete Holmes]

He went, yeah.

[Valerie]

Oh, whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like, in case I get in a big beef.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So we'll be. First of all. This podcast is being so informed by Valley.

[Valerie]

I know. That's what I thought.

[Pete Holmes]

This whole episode with the whole show.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now that I've been reminded how funny it is to, like, riff and get specific and dwell. Yeah, Gotta listen to Valley Heat. It's the funniest podcast.

[Valerie]

It really is of all time. All I want to talk about all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll talk about that, too.

[Valerie]

Okay, great.

[Pete Holmes]

But there's no. That's not a sponsor. Just I've been telling everyone to listen to the Telepathy tapes and Valley Heat because here you are listening to a podcast. When you're done, there's some other podcasts you can check out. Valley Heat and Telepathy Tapes. All right, we'll be right back and we'll talk about the super bowl in New Orleans and how I'm. I'm Drake now. This show is sponsored by Better Help. You've heard me talk a lot about Better Help because I love talk therapy. It is actively improved, enhanced, and changed my life for the better. You hear a lot of people out there talking about red flags. Look out for these red flags in your relationships with your friendships at work, whatever it might be. We don't talk enough about green flags. Where are the green flags? The things that you want to have in your life. That's one of the things that therapy can cultivate and bring out and help you recognize in romantic relationships, in your friendships, in your work relationships. What are the things that we should be calling green flags and help increase and embody that green flag energy in yourself and identify it in others. Whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, it's time to form relationships that love you back. Let's get some green flags. You guys know talk therapy is greater than the sum of its parts. It's not just talking. It's talking to a trained professional who knows how to gently nudge you in different directions to bring out the best. Get over that co dependence. Set up that boundary with that family member. Find that self love that says, yes, I deserve this, this and this, and I'm going to go for it. It is absolutely revolutionized both my life and Valerie's life. That's why it comes up so much on this podcast. And BetterHelp makes it so easy to start. It's fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. And you can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a, sorry, a wide range of specialties. And you can even switch your therapist very easily at no extra cost. So discover your relationship green flags with better help. Visit betterhelp.comweirdo to get 10% off your first month that's better.

[Valerie]

Help.

[Pete Holmes]

H E L p.comweirdo. we are also brought to us by our friend at Modern Mammals. Just the quickest little mention here. I hate shampoo. It makes your hair look like a fucking tumbleweed rolling through a western facade. Movie set. Not even a real one. Looks like garbage. Your hair gets fried out. It's unruly. Modern Mammals is the only shampoo that I like. It's the only one that I use. You put it through your hair and it kind of feels like you went to the beach that day. It's got a little bit of control. It left enough of that natural oil in your hair to make it manageable and give it that sweet, sweet flow. Go to modernmammals.com weird to give it a try. If you're anything like me, you will love it. And there's no going back. Modern mammals.com weird all right, we're back. So, yeah, I went to the super bowl because I did that campaign for the Kansas City Chiefs because my name is Pete, and me and Holly Robinson. Pete. And then there was a third Pete. Pete Sampras, maybe. Sorry, I should have known that. But I didn't work with that one. He was just in the video. Let me give it a goo grill fast.

[Valerie]

I can't help you. I did watch the samples, though.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete Sampras. No, he's a tennis player. That is not.

[Valerie]

Nope, that's not him.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete. Football player.

[Valerie]

Is he a football player?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. You just so handsome. Let me see. It doesn't matter. Heat.

[Valerie]

Football player is what you typed in.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I've become my mom.

[Valerie]

Google image searching.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, because I rec. I would recognize. Recognize the guy. Anyway, sorry. If you're a die hard fan and listen to my podcast. I'm sorry, this is awkward. Just look at me and go, you Drake now.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, so the gag was the Chiefs were going for a 3 Pete, and then I'm a Pete and Holly Robinson is a Pete. And we were looking for the third Pete to watch the game together. So we were going to go to the Super Bowl. If the Chiefs had won, I think we were gonna go on the field and I think do another halftime show. I'm just kidding. No, just take a picture to like, be the punchline. Like, it worked. The. The video. My friend Parker Seaman directed it. He's so funny. We had such a fun time. It was really, really. And David Koechner was in it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Rob Riggle was the voiceover. It was really, really fun. And this would have Been the, like, finale, like. And look, it worked. They got their three Pete and then we go to the super bowl and we're in the, like a Chiefs section just, you know, in the stands. And boy, it was what a. Like, it was such a rough game. I know. Nobody cares. We'll keep this real quick. I'm not a conspiracy person, but I was like, this looks like the White Sox. Like, it looks like we're throwing the game.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Then I talked to somebody. I didn't tell you this. The next day, my flight, I had a 6am flight going home. So I got up at 3, 3:30, drove to the airport, got there at 4 because, you know, everyone's going home from the Super Bowl. I'm like, it's going to be a cluster cuss.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Get to the Super Bowl. My flight is delayed nine hours and not all at once. It's not like, I got there and they were like, this flight is leaving in nine hours. It was like, it's now seven. And then that just happened nine times, right? It was one hour.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I got there, by the way, they were very nice about it, but they were like, oh, your flight's delayed. I was like, I think it was the Super Bowl. Everything was gunked.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, the app wouldn't show that you were checked in. The. The monitors didn't have the. Everything was gunked.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone had the yips.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And ripping ass all over the airport third way. But then I ended up meeting this guy named Noah on my flight back to la. It was all the people that were like, shooting the game. It was actually really fun. Oh, that was all these production people with very heavy carry ons. That's how you know the production folks, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They're all wearing jackets that say like, Little Miss Sunshine.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And it's like thick black cases with silver pen written on like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep. And they're very heavy, like tb.

[Valerie]

Double two. Double two.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna say that everyone. Everyone who works in production, they are putting the carry on weight to the test.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I had to move a bag to get my bag up. It took all. You know when you have to engage your core just to move a bag an inch to the left. It was the heaviest bag. It was like, all that's in there is bricks, which is what they call batteries. It might have been bricks. So I'm talking to a production guy who's shooting the game. And I was like, and I'm glad to offer this, most of the Internet is just me saying it Looked like they were throwing the game. There was a moment where the quarterback for the Chiefs like, threw an interception. And from where I was sitting, which was like 12ft away, it looked like he was just passing. Yeah, it looked like he was passing the ball to the guy.

[Valerie]

Right? Well, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like there was no one there.

[Valerie]

You remember this specific one, There was.

[Pete Holmes]

No red jersey near that guy. And he was like. It was like, are you guys friends or did you think for a second you were just playing catch with that guy?

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's when the human brain is so. Loves a conspiracy and goes like, oh, these guys are throwing it. And I've come to find out the Internet is drenched in theories that the NFL and the NBA and everything is rigged. Here's why I think it's a boring conspiracy, but we're gonna get to that. Well, no, I'll just jump to that. You can't get 50,000 people to keep a secret. Like, there's like, that's for sure. There's no way, right?

[Valerie]

And the egos.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, no, it's Area 51. And look what happened with Area 51. Area 51 is not as big as the NFL, but there are so many whistleblowers for Area 51. Because all that happens is you get fired from mopping up alien puke, right? And then they're like, get the fuck outta here. And now you're disgruntled. And then you go and you post something or you talk or you take an interview and maybe you're, maybe you're deep throating it, but like, you're still gonna blow the whistle. No one's doing that for the NFL. And there are so many people that are disgruntled, right? And the players and the egos. So yeah, I was talking to him, to this guy Noah about it, and he just immediately was like. He told me two interesting things. And because they were interesting to me, I'm gonna wager that they're interesting to everybody.

[Valerie]

I think this is interesting one.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like. And as soon as he said it, I immediately understood it, even though I don't give a shit about sports. He was like, they were putting so much pressure on that quarterback. And that's true. Every play it looked like the quarterback had about two seconds to find somebody to throw to. Meanwhile, when it was the Philly Birds, that guy like had a picnic lunch, got back up, kissed the ball once and said, I'll see you in a minute, and threw it all the way across the field for a Touchdown. But every time Mahomes, the Kansas City Chiefs guy, the pressure was incredible. And he told me that one of the psychological things that they did, which I find fascinating, is they have a guy on the Eagles. I'm not gonna know any details. That's incredible at blitzing. That's incredible. Like has an incredible record for getting the quarterback. So if you're a quarterback, you fucking hate these guys. Let's say his name is Tiger Mc Eagle stuff. MC Eagle stuff was injured and mid season and was benched. And. And then the night before the Super bowl at 4pm The Eagles announced that Eagle MC Tiger McEagle stuff. Guess what?

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

He's back. He's mended and he's back. But they on purpose didn't tell. They waited until 4pm the day before the game, which was the like legal limit on how long before you can announce who's playing in the game. So to fuck with the Chiefs. Isn't that interesting?

[Valerie]

That is interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Now we're telling a story.

[Valerie]

And also maybe like that messes up their plays. It messes up everything they would have made.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why the pressure was. They were like. Because I know a little bit about football, but it's like you have to decide. I don't know that much. It seems to me though, you have to decide how many of these guys are going to be running out and how many are going to be protecting. I don't know. Maybe that's not true. But what I do know is it. It flipped a bitch, which I know is a U turn. And it just really fudged the punch, which is a thing Josh Cheney made up, which sounds taking a poop in the punch bowl. And now they were scrambling to like reshift their strategy. They got fucking Tiger MC Eagle stuff.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And he did sack him. And that dude got sacked.

[Valerie]

I remember that guy constantly. Yeah, yeah. He got him all the time. That every.

[Pete Holmes]

He got him all the time.

[Valerie]

Every 100 of the time that you tried it.

[Pete Holmes]

And because I'm not a sports fan, I enjoyed the spectacle of it. If anybody is out there shaking their fists, like, what a waste. I really enjoyed the experience. Of course, it was fun. And because I'm not affiliated with either team, I was just kind of like enjoying whoever was playing good football.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which was both teams at points. But like, I wasn't like upset when someone else scored. I did get bored though, because every time, let's say I would talk to your brother.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd turn and I'd talk to Derek, like Kansas City Chiefs had the ball and they're kind of making some progress. I'd turn and talk to your brother for 30 seconds. I'd look up and somehow the Eagles had just scored a touchdown. Like, anytime I looked away for four, five seconds, and I'm not talking about a bathroom break, I'm talking about a head turn, I'd come back and somehow it was first down for the Eagles.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even though it was just third and one for the Chiefs.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now it's first and 10 on their own 20 yard line for the Eagles. They're about to score. So it was kind of a snooze. And I even said that of course I'm surrounded by Chiefs people, and I felt bad and to kind of encourage them. I was like, this is actually what you want. You want to be down to come back. That's actually a good game. But then it ended up being more of a spanking. And nobody. Nobody likes that.

[Valerie]

Yeah. There was a certain point, because I also wasn't invested in either team, but there's a. There was a certain point where it was such an. It actually was such an interesting spanking that then I think when once the Chiefs, we were like, we want the Chiefs to at least score once so that this isn't zero. That's just so embarrassing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And then they did score once, and then I was like, but if they're going to score twice, they need to come fully back because that will make it a more interesting game.

[Pete Holmes]

You and I are so similar.

[Valerie]

Yeah. We were just interested in how. What's the most fascinating way this game can go?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Once. They scored once. I almost was like, don't do that. I'm so black and white. I'm like, just lose.

[Valerie]

Just let it just. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I was like, just lose. You know you're gonna lose. And that was kind of. It's so weird how psychically or just energetically, groups of people, you're trying to keep the faith. But there was just this feeling of, like, a bad feeling.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And a bad feeling, like, for that team is just kind of mojo.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Your brother had the observation of the game, though. So I love taking Derek. It was such a fun choice.

[Valerie]

And my brother is a football and.

[Pete Holmes]

He is a football fan, and it meant a lot.

[Valerie]

So it was not like never in a million years thought he would ever get to go to the Super Bowl.

[Pete Holmes]

He had way better observations for me than me, whatever he said. So it's the half and the Kansas City Chiefs are in the locker room, and your Brother's just like, what is the coach going to say? Like, what can you say to psych people up? It's already the Super Bowl.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You've already worked all season for this. There are already 100 million people. And he was just like, every time you guys throw the ball, you drop it. Don't drop it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Every time you run, you run right up the middle and you get squashed. Don't do that. Like, there's no pep talk.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

But they did come back, and they did have a little pip in their vin and they kind of got going. And then I turned to your brother and I looked back, and the Eagles were scoring a touchdown. It was, like, the weirdest. The other thing he mentioned was the best part of the halftime show, if you're there, is watching them set it up. Because if you look at every opening onto the field is the size of a group of football men running out.

[Valerie]

What? Every opening on the field, it's as.

[Pete Holmes]

Wide as they're designed for groups, for teams to run out onto the field. There's no opening on the side the size of a stage. So you're looking. You watch them Lego Maniac make the stage, and they do it in a commercial break.

[Valerie]

That is impressive.

[Pete Holmes]

So that was really the best part. And then your brother also said this. He was like, one thing, my big takeaway from the super bowl, he said, was that the halftime show is for the cameras.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't. They not like us.

[Valerie]

Yeah. They're not trying to make it anymore.

[Pete Holmes]

They're not trying zero percent, which it was. It's not, by the way. It's. It sounds bad, really. It's a million miles away. It sounds bad in the way that, like, anything amplified for a million people or however many. It's not a million. You know, nothing sounds great singing or rapping. It doesn't sound great.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like. And he's so small, and we were close. It's still like. And it's facing away from you. At some point, it's going to be facing away from you.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

What could happen? And they kept saying, you're not gonna believe these special guests. And we're in the stands going, beyonce. You and I were texting. It's gonna be Beyonce.

[Valerie]

I was like, jay Z's there with the kids.

[Pete Holmes]

We had a long talk. Like, exactly.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Jay Z would have been fun. Then we were like, sorry, I just lost my train of thought. Oh. We were like, taylor Swift.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What if Taylor Swift came out? And we were like, well, That's a conflict of interest because that's a boost for morale for Kansas City. So she's out. But then we were like, what if it's Drake? We got so fucking excited.

[Valerie]

How could you think he was gonna be.

[Pete Holmes]

Because Valerie, here, you and I. Look at your face, you're having such a response. The super bowl is Janet Jackson's boob. And Timberlake. It's supposed to be the biggest spectacle. And this guy, for an entire year now has had the most intense beef with Drake. I don't know shit about shit. And I know Kendrick Lamar and Drake well.

[Valerie]

I know. That's why I.

[Pete Holmes]

Are they brothers? I don't know Drake's last name. They hate each other.

[Valerie]

Like Horowitz it is.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a Jewish last name. But, like, that's a spectacle that's worthy of 100 million people watching is if he came out. Even if they fought, like, if he came out and it's supposed to be a collab, but then, like, professional wrestling, you know, and they start and the lights go out. That's a spectacle. They should have done it.

[Valerie]

The beef is so.

[Pete Holmes]

I know that's what your brother.

[Valerie]

Do it. Yeah, but that's like. That was the funnest part, is, like, that he was shameless about his beef with Drake, including having Serena Williams there, who. I guess I don't know much about this. I saw one. I read. I've been reading about the symbolism of the. Of the halftime show. Like, you know, most white people who want to be allies.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

But don't totally understand what's going on.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, most white people have also Googled Childish Gambino video. Meaning.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, what is that?

[Valerie]

100%? And I guess Drake, like, has one thing said. Drake, like, stalked Serena Williams and has, like, disparaged her since she, like, turns him down. I know. Like, another significance of the Crip walking was that she did that at Wimbledon and got, like, reprimanded for that. But there's, like, layers to little notes about his feud with Drake, which was really cool. Interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the whole stadium said a minor. Yeah, that's the thing. I noticed.

[Valerie]

Which is very cool.

[Pete Holmes]

It is cool. It's also accusing someone of pedophilia. It's such a weird thing to say while you're, like, like, eating a hot dog and, like, having a great time.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

But, I mean. Or it's comeuppance.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, maybe it's come up.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I mean, if he is doing that, then I'm like, yeah, get a whole.

[Pete Holmes]

Stadium to be like, I mean, can you. I would love cameras on Drake watching that. You have to have seen it. Actually, I bet he hasn't.

[Valerie]

I wonder. That's a really good question. I really wonder. Well, I did watch it on TV watching the super bowl, knowing that you and my brother were there. It was me and my sister in law and we had. We kept calling it Girls super bowl because it was just me and her and my niece and Leela. So it was just the girls. And we made moscato spritzes. So it's like pink fizzy drinks. And we were, like, just watching and, you know, like, sipping our pink drinks and getting up and chatting and all of that. But then once the halftime show happened, all four of us were up dancing. Except for. Actually, I. I really. We were all. Me and my. My sister in law and our niece were up dancing. And Lila was like, I don't. I don't want to do this. Let's go out. Let's like go on the trampoline. She's like, couldn't get into it. And I was trying so hard to not force my interest onto her. And, like, it made me feel like I was like a dad and my son isn't interested in football and it's the super bowl.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was just like, for the soup. For the halftime show.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But for the halftime show.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. My favorite part of the super bowl has always been the commercials. And I didn't get to see him.

[Valerie]

Oh, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is interesting. It's no longer. I don't care now.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you this. Matthew McConaughey was all over the super bowl commercials. There was like one campaign. I can't even remember what it was for. And I was like, I just. Every time I go to the bathroom, I hear Matthew McConaughey.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean he was in more than one spot?

[Valerie]

Yeah. But it might have all been the same campaign.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I see.

[Valerie]

But it was just every commercial break this. And I didn't. And did you see the Kanye West? No. Oh, no, I didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I don't know if it was regional or something or if he. If you bought it for the whole country, but he ran a commercial and he said, go to yeezy.com. and this is just what I heard. And on yeezy.com, it's just a T shirt with us.

[Valerie]

Yes, I know about the T shirt. I didn't know there was a commercial during that. I did see the. There was a Snoop Dogg Tom Brady commercial where they were like, looking at each other and fighting. And then it was like, oh, Everyone hated that. It was pretty. I. I mean, I liked the idea, but it wasn't very cool. Lee executed. It could have been. I, like, wanted it to be better because I do like what they're doing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so funny. I don't like when we all know the same thing. I don't even having this conversation, like, some people really love, like, wow. The whole world kind of watch this and knows it. And I'm like, yeah, because you're a four. It's where it really flares up.

[Valerie]

I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you do. But, like, as we're talking about it, I'm like, here's what I. We're almost done with the episode Valley Heat. It's a show about the neighborhood, my neighborhood. The Rancho Equestrian district of Burbank, California. Right here. This is such a fucking dumb thing to say. I can't believe that I was like, I can't wait to say this, but look, I don't go to a lot of sports games, but when you go, like, if you go to like Fenway park now, there's like a Shake Shack. I think there's like a wine place. There's like. It's nice now.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When I was going, stadiums always looked like the backgrounds of Street Fighter levels. Like, it was concrete. There's piss and there's fucking. Everything's gray and it's. It looks like a parking garage. And the food sucks. And it's a thousand dollars. Yeah, that's what it was. It sucked and it was a thousand dollars. We already talked about Little Caesars. I'm sorry, Little Caesars, but you will not be sponsoring this podcast. You're the worst pizza everyone knows. Yeah, like Caesar. Yeah, Caesar. If you served Little Caesars to any Caesar that behead you, it's garbage pizza. And we were eating. It's like airplane pizza.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. It was still good because any pizza is good, right? But I'm like. I was like, I'm gonna go to super bowl with my brother in law. When we want food, we're gonna go out and we're gonna get something dope.

[Valerie]

No, you're not right.

[Pete Holmes]

Cafeteria. You want chicken fingers?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't. I want a chicken fried Oreo. Like, I was just ready. As someone who only checks in with the sporting community once a decade, I was ready for like a ramen place. I was ready for sushi place. I was ready for Shake Shack. I was like, that high end shit.

[Valerie]

Well, it might. I'M sure it varies based on. I'm sure to the town or the city.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway.

[Valerie]

Okay. Don't forget about pizza. I just was going to circle back to the commercial.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm done with.

[Valerie]

I don't just to. Because you said that that was your favorite part. I don't recall there being. Granted, I was having Moscato spritzes, but I don't recall there being very funny commercials, actually. And that was weird. There were a lot of commercials with messages like the Snoop Dogg.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Thing and a lot of like cr.

[Pete Holmes]

Like tear o Tear jerkers.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. And like most of the ones that my sister in law and I were like fully crying at were like parenting ones. And then we were like, is this. Is this like. Because we're suspicious of it? Because there was also a beautiful one. And then it ended up being a commercial for Jesus. Like it was like a Christian one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And then we're like, right.

[Pete Holmes]

Did it end with Gotcha?

[Valerie]

Yeah, basically. And then we were like, are so. Are there so many parenting commercials? Because it's also sort of trying to get you to have kids and like pushing sort of a family wholesome. Like you can just never be with. With America and how Americanized the football leagues are. It's the football leagues. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

I think there are leagues. I don't know. But we were talking about. There's nothing more tribal. And I'm not saying tribal sounds like such a put down. I just mean when you're rooting for a team and you're wearing a jersey and you're trying to extract identity. When you wear a Kansas City Chiefs thing and they're winning, you're like, I am a winner. Yeah, look, I am that. We've covered that. But there's. It's one of the reasons it's so great for advertising is you're in that tribal group thing and it's like you're already saying you're an Eagle or you're a chief. Now say you drive a Lincoln, right? And all a Lincoln is is a classy Matthew McConaughey. You know what I mean? So it's. You're already in that way. I was. This is my closing thought. So stupid. I think there's something about the super bowl and the commercials that it's a little Comic Con. There was a time, and I never saw it, that Comic Con was cool and fringe, kind of interesting. Then once they figure out there's money to be made there. Now you go to Comic Con. And it's just like some show that has a vague connection to some comic book or something or some ip.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're there just promoting the show. Out of that show. Comics are gone. The fandom is gone. It's just about like pushing like a. A reboot of Picard or something, you.

[Valerie]

Know, Comic Con, more like comics are gone.

[Pete Holmes]

Comic Con, more like comics are gone. That's great. I love that. That's like something the Reverend Sharpton would say.

[Valerie]

Well, he is my news.

[Pete Holmes]

Or you know who I meant. OJ's lawyer.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What was his name?

[Valerie]

Who is that?

[Pete Holmes]

If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Unrelated. But I have a little extra time. Comic Con, more like comics gone. And then he looks at me and.

[Valerie]

Goes, you, Drake, now, don't you picture the lawyer from Seinfeld who was basically like.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. That's right.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's been recast. And I know he's not that shape. Anyway. Comic Con. So now the Super Bowl. I liked it more when it was kind of. We weren't expecting the second coming from the commercials.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And now I think we've sort of maxed out how interesting a 30 second commercial can be.

[Valerie]

I think that's probably true. Okay, to end. Will you say the pizza bit that you and my brother came up with at the Super Bowl?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. So shout out to Derek Chaney. Shout out to Derek Chaney. Because, you know, I love him to death. And he's so. He's like you. You guys are similar.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And one in a very specific way, which is like, I just feel so safe because I like, look, I'll try a bit on whoever I'm hanging out with, but I'll try, like, not just a weird bit, but a hard to understand bit on your brother. And he'll always, just like you. He'll always understand what I'm trying to say. So we're in the stands and this guy in front of us is eating a slice of this. It was delicious. But let's be real, it could have been better. Little Caesar's pizza.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's eating it and I just go to your brother. I lean over and I go, I don't know if it's gonna make sense, but I go, pizza is the most obvious food. It's like so obvious. I go, there's something kind of darling about seeing someone eating pizza, like. And he got it immediately. He's like, it's just give me exactly what I want. I'm Hungry.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, pizza is just. He goes, when you see someone eating. When you see someone eating salmon.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're like, oh, yeah. You kind of wanted the taste of the sea. Maybe you needed some protein. Maybe you're trying to be healthy.

[Valerie]

Omega 3s.

[Pete Holmes]

Omega 3s. You see someone eating pizza, it's just like, you were hungry. Huh? It's like eating insulation. It's like, just fill me up.

[Valerie]

It's just pure desire.

[Pete Holmes]

It's pure desire.

[Valerie]

It's giving in.

[Pete Holmes]

She is on bread with sugar sauce. It's just. It's like what a pelican would order.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he goes, anytime I see someone eating pizza, I feel like I should wink at them. And I was like, with family, I don't even ask. I go, you say something funny around me? That's mine.

[Valerie]

No, that's mine.

[Pete Holmes]

But I will ask. But that is. That's my money. That's my livelihood now. But that's so right. You're just. It's sex. You're like. You're. You're having sex.

[Valerie]

You're just having sex in front of us right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Eating pizza noodle ramen ramen is like, I'm a world traveler. I like pork. I want to taste spice.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pizza is just. I was having a hard one, and I'm hungry.

[Valerie]

Yeah. There's. So this is how I know I'm a food addict. If obviously this whole podcast could be just handed over to a psychologist and get a diagnosis.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

But my whole life, if I'm eating pizza, like, in a group with people, I am the mental gymnastics and the. The slice math and the, like, Valerie sociological, like, turmoil. I am in about slowing myself down, trying to be like, I'm just gonna have two slices so that I don't look like a monster. But that's all I'm thinking about. And then I, like, you know, I end up sort of picking out if there. God forbid, there's like, one slice left in between a table. I'm getting now furious that no one.

[Pete Holmes]

Else wants it, that.

[Valerie]

That they're not, like, just obsessed about it like, that they're just not thinking about it. Like, I'll never really settle the one slice before we talk about anything else. Like, who's gonna eat that?

[Pete Holmes]

I can't focus. Only people like us have cut the last slice in half.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Or just picked. I'll pick up.

[Pete Holmes]

I just wrote that down.

[Valerie]

All the cheese off. Like, slide it in the sauce. But then. Then I'm not doing that in public. Like, I'm only doing that in front.

[Pete Holmes]

Of you, but then you end up eating the naked slice.

[Valerie]

Yeah. 100%.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we've talked about this. Pizza is a self perpetuating motion machine. You eat salty, cheesy. You want bready, bready. Bready. Bready increases your desire for salty, cheesy. Salty, cheesy. The crust is the period at the end of the sentence.

[Valerie]

I mean, the, like, thinking about, like, Cool Ranch Doritos, like, the most scientifically engineered thing to, like, light up your brain and make you want more and more. It still doesn't top just bread and sauce and cheese.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm gonna wink at you, and I'm gonna wink at you. Well, that's the key. This guy was alone. You know what I mean? He's the only one eating pizza. That's why you wink at him. It's like drinking alone.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like. Yeah, totally. You just. You need a partner.

[Valerie]

You need a partner.

[Pete Holmes]

We're like. We're eating pizza.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why Pizza party.

[Valerie]

I know. That's why Pizza party.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why Pizza party.

[Valerie]

Although.

[Pete Holmes]

But you can eat ramen alone. No problem. You look like a Japanese businessman.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In an airport.

[Valerie]

But again, this is how I know I'm an addict. Because I would. I rarely ever drink alone, but I do sort of like when I see a pizza, I go, oh, baby, I wish I could take you in a room.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Take you into a stairwell.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Val. Yeah. Pizza's dangerous, man. It's like, pizza's gonna kill me.

[Valerie]

It's perfect. It's a perfect. It's a perfectly delicious food.

[Pete Holmes]

This is not. This tip doesn't always work. But what I. You know, this. What I've been trying to do lately. Let's say you've eaten three, four slices of pizza. You're full.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're done. But you want another one. I could only really do this once. I was like. You did. Like I was sitting there. Just say you did.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You already feel stuffed with pizza, so just spare yourself and just pretend that you did.

[Valerie]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

Pretend one of those slices was the next slice you're gonna eat. That moment is gone.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's transitory. It's so ethereal. It's gone. So just say it happened. That only worked once.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but it did work. I would need to start on any other food.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Because pizza is really the. The only one. The only food that. I really feel that way.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know, but that. That strategy actually does work when you can really get into the idea that all of these experiences that we really are risking our health over Are just momentary. Like a slice of pizza and me. That's 30 seconds. So just say it happened.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just say you did it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then just be. And then just try to convince yourself I did. And then even feel guilty. Be like, whoa, no. Sleep a little better because you didn't have that fifth slice in you.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

You goddamn train wreck.

[Valerie]

Another thing that will kind of work for me, and this is sort of like mindful eating, I guess, is just getting in touch with the feeling of wanting it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And being like, wanting isn't a bad feeling. Like if you just.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, this is me with horny.

[Valerie]

Don't. Well, yeah, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so much of my life, horny has been like, get rid of this.

[Valerie]

Right. And like, just. There's actually such virility. No, I know the feeling of wanting.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, I didn't mean to co opt this point.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

But I've been meaning to bring up, like, lately. So weird. My whole life dialing in my sexuality, meaning like my own sexuality, meaning, like, how often am I jing it or whatever. But since the new year, I'm like, I'm not. I'm just gonna see what happens. No porn. No J. Right. Occasionally, Jay, but no porn.

[Valerie]

Okay. I don't. I don't know why I hate that you're calling it jacking it.

[Pete Holmes]

What should I say? I mean, masturbation, I guess even that's worse.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. This sucks.

[Valerie]

Jerking it.

[Pete Holmes]

Jerking it. But here's, here's. I know jacking off is the funniest one. Having a wank is the number two. But jacking off is the funniest one. Yeah, being there. Jacking off is so funny.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But okay, so jacking off. But anyway, I just was like, exactly what you're saying. Just get curious about the feeling because it is energy. And you said this to me. You're like, yeah, this seems so weird that it took you so long to get to this. When I kind of. And I don't even really feel like I have to fight through. I just don't immediately satiate. So I allow myself to have a feeling that I'm not tending to, like a crying baby. You're just like, fucking stop. And Rupert is just like, just feel what it feels like to desire. Be quiet, close your eyes, be with it. And you were like, pete, for someone who's so interested in energy and drive and like peak and like, as far.

[Valerie]

As like 100% all cylinders fired, I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

Saying that when you don't that as much. Right.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You do have this energy. And you notice, like, my shows are better. I always would that before. That shows because you're lonely and you're bored. And now I'm like, no, hold on to it. Shows are better. Sharper.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just classic. Like, if you were in the woods and you had to catch your meal, you're not jacking it. You want to keep your wits about you. But we live in this modern world where it's like, hungry, eat pizza, horny, jack off, all this sort of stuff. And it's like, there's something about holding on to the human experience. And I've done this before in the past. There's huge Reddits about it, but there's lots of people talking about their depressions going away and their anxieties and their feeling. The drive to exercise again and forget about what it does for you. In terms of. This is the bit. If I was gonna do a bit. When you stop jacking it and looking at porn. Regular. And I've said this to you before, regular, basic bitch eroticism is back on the menu. Yeah, we'll watch when we're in the green room. Matt will often just watch television. There'll just be a commercial for a bra. And I'm like. And it's so fun.

[Valerie]

It's so fun.

[Pete Holmes]

The musical cap. Yeah, I'll notice Chicago.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just the poster for the musical Chicago. And you're like. Because you're not constantly looking at nine people having sex with a.

[Valerie]

Whatever. And also, I think when you're doing it a lot, this. I'll speak for me. When I'm doing it a lot, I start feeling. I'm actually. I get to a point where I'm like, wait, I haven't actually felt. I wish there was another word for horny, because I hate that word. But, like, I haven't actually felt virile. I'm just gonna say horny in a long time because I'm doing it in the same way.

[Pete Holmes]

Preemptive.

[Valerie]

That I'm getting on Instagram.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

The same way that I'm eating food. It's just that my brain wants a little dopamine hit. So there's actually no, like, real body.

[Pete Holmes]

Nope.

[Valerie]

Arousal involved at all.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just another pizza.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So. So.

[Pete Holmes]

And TV's another pizza. And Instagram's another pizza. It's all. Fuck. It turns out in the end it was all pizzas.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the better way, you know, the narrower path is going, like, I don't want to just be a fucking rat.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Chasing pizzas my whole fucking life.

[Valerie]

Right. And being like. Like, if I'm going to do it, I want to do it because I am, like, aroused.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Valerie]

Not just because I'm like, it's 2pm I want to feel good. Today I did all that laundry. I'll just like, I can't eat because I'm fasting, so I'll just do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. On my fast days, I'm like, bring out the beasts. Like anything else.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And then. And it is sort of. I see a coyote right now in our. Do you see it?

[Pete Holmes]

We've been having a lot of yolks.

[Valerie]

We have a lot of yots out and they got.

[Pete Holmes]

They give me the yips.

[Valerie]

Looks like that car is also stopped. Looking at.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't see him. Oh, he's up on the hill.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Cool.

[Valerie]

Hide your chickens, Hide your bunnies.

[Pete Holmes]

This is when you go, they're coming down. One of them must be ill. Like, they have some insight. They don't usually come down this far.

[Valerie]

I know. I thought that too. I was like, there's two coyotes that have just been on our street for the last two days. And I think they're must be hungry.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that. I think they're humans and that's just their outfit for their gang.

[Valerie]

If they're real coyotes, they're a pack. If they're humans dressed as coyotes, it's a gang. Why? These are the tough questions.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a friend.

[Valerie]

All right, all right, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Were you done with your. Your.

[Valerie]

I think so.

[Pete Holmes]

I think. I didn't mean to.

[Valerie]

No. You know how when somebody says, like, how was your weekend? And it's like Tuesday and you're like, I can't recall. I couldn't. I don't recall one thing I did this weekend. That's how I feel about whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just talking now it's Thursday. And I was like, what are we going to talk about on the podcast? And I was like, oh, yeah. I went to the super bowl, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like what? I know what needs to have happened. Kendrick Lamar looked at me and said, you.

[Valerie]

You, Drake now. And you still couldn't remember.

[Pete Holmes]

I couldn't remember that. I mean, wow.

[Valerie]

Wow. All right, everybody. Well, there you go. All right.

[Pete Holmes]

There it is.

[Valerie]

There it is.

[Pete Holmes]

A classic.

[Valerie]

You wanted a podcast, you got a podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

We loved it.

[Valerie]

Loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

We went in. Not sure. This is definitely one of my all time faves. Loved it. Wow.

[Valerie]

Okay. Well.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry.

[Valerie]

No, it was. You think it was fun it was good.

[Pete Holmes]

Onion rings and chicken fried. Yeah, I mean, we covered a lot.

[Valerie]

We did. We covered a lot of ground. Okay, everybody, well, take your chicken fried Oreos and keep it crispy.