We Made It Weird #217

Summary

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You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #217

Date: May 10, 2025
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Valerie Chaney
Setting: Live-to-tape from Toronto

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Episode Overview

This episode is a classic, freewheeling "We Made It Weird" installment where Pete Holmes and his wife, Valerie Chaney, delve into the oddities of everyday life, domestic quirks, and the philosophical depths beneath minor mishaps. Broadcasting from Toronto, they discuss high IQ tests, social etiquette about favors, domestic chores, and a wallet-losing adventure, all tinted with Pete's signature playful, neurotic humor. The underlying theme: How our secret weirdness and small failures are integral to being human—and even beautiful.

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Key Discussion Points

1. IQ Tests: Are They Legit or Just Fun?

(04:03 – 09:05)

• Valerie describes taking a seven-minute, 30-question IQ test on the Impulse app, achieving a questionable score of 142.
• Pete playfully interrogates the legitimacy:
  "I think a real IQ test takes longer than seven minutes." (05:17)
• They discuss online tests’ dubious authority and how the appeal is less in results, more in the curiosity and playful self-assessment.
• Valerie reflects on her test-taking approach:
  “I was just like… okay, just think about it less, like, what’s your gut?... And then I did that, and I got 29 out of 30 questions right.” (08:32)
• The couple riffs on the arbitrary scale of IQ scores and the incongruities between “genius” and “real life,” leading Pete to muse on classic absent-minded professor stereotypes.

2. Social Etiquette: Mailing a Letter for a Friend

(14:13 – 34:00)

• Pete recounts an incident where he asked a friend, Ariella, to mail a letter for him, leading her to feel insulted—like being treated as an assistant.
• Valerie observes how mailing something is the "perfect intersection" of being:
  • Too easy to ask a friend
  • Too much to ask someone else to do for you
• Pete receives confirmation that the story resonated with Larry David himself via Carol Leifer:
  “Lunch with Larry, and I told him your stamp letter idea. He absolutely loved it… Too bad Curb isn’t happening. It would’ve been a home run.” (25:20)
• They explore the odd boundaries of friendship tasks, subtleties of “emotional labor,” and the little ways requests can feel heavy or condescending.
• “If you gave me the book and then I left it at a restaurant, I couldn’t ask the person who gave me the gift to go get it, because as soon as it leaves their hands and touches mine, it is now my book.” (29:03)
• Gender and social roles enter the chat:
  “There’s sort of like a secretary kind of vibe to a man asking a woman to do that.” (33:14)

3. Domestic Weirdness: Dishwashers, Underwear, and the 'One Bowl' Dream

(16:39 – 23:00)

• Pete discusses his irrational distrust of dishwashers—he just doesn’t “buy it." He trusts chemistry (detergent) over machinery.
• Valerie teases Pete’s desire to live like a monk with “one bowl and one spoon,” much to her amusement.
• Pete outs himself as a compulsive “second spooner” and over-frequenter of underwear changes:
  “Nobody is as familiar with the material... the lifespan of MeUndies than I am. And it’s because of your underwear.” (21:29)
• The segment is a classic reveal of household eccentricities as universal comedy gold.

4. Wallet Adventure & Finding Joy in Small Perils

(47:01 – 54:50)

• Valerie loses her wallet in Salt Lake City after an epic dinner and ice cream.
• Pete’s reaction is a study in zen-like patience and reframing: “This is an opportunity to love Valerie.” (54:29)
• After searching, they recover the wallet at the ice cream shop, feeling a euphoric triumph.
• Pete links the relief to the ancient theme of finding lost things being among life’s greatest joys:
  “The feeling of losing something and then finding it is and has always been the best feeling.” (51:31)
• Valerie reflects on how, after parenting hardships, minor problems like losing a wallet feel trivial.

5. The Transcendent Ice Cream Experience

(39:06 – 46:01)

• The couple rhapsodizes about a trip to “Normal Ice Cream” in Salt Lake City.
• Pete humorously describes the vanilla soft serve as “triple ice cream,” so thick you could “fix a toilet with it”–
  “It’s like plastic and it’s almost like caulk; it’s too thick. You could fix a toilet with it.” (44:04)
• Valerie laments ordering the “special” strawberry concoction instead of the transcendent vanilla.
  • Conclusion: In ice cream and life, classic simplicity can be the peak.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On IQ Test Doubts:
  Pete: “I brought ChatGPT in to be like, yes, seven minutes can get you… she started talking about the validity of the test in general.” (07:44)
• On Asking Favors:
  Valerie: “It is that exact unspoken sort of social thing that Curb always points out: You’re not wrong, Walter, you’re just an asshole.” (26:19)
• On Domestic Life:
  Pete: “If a plate is in a dishwasher, it might as well be in a dump. It’s gone and I’ll never think of it again.” (19:18)
• On Losing (and Finding) The Wallet:
  Pete: “This is an opportunity to love Valerie… this is no problem, this is fun, let’s get in the car, it’s no big deal. And we will remember it.” (54:57)
• On Post-Parenting Perspective:
  Valerie: “After you have a baby … you’re kinda like, nothing’s a big deal. Having a kid is so hard … that it works the muscle of…well, it’s kind of inconvenient.” (52:01)
• On Laundry & Environmentalism:
  Pete (on Gladwell): “Turns out…80% of what makes laundry so, like, environmentally terrible… is washing with warm or hot water… If everyone used cold water, we would have a huge step forward in the environment.” (58:09)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• IQ Test & Legitimacy: 04:03 – 09:05
• Etiquette of Favors / Mailing Letters: 14:13 – 34:00
• Dishwasher Debates & Domesticity: 16:39 – 23:00
• Larry David Loves the Story: 25:20
• Gift Responsibility Logic: 29:03
• Gender Dynamics in Favors: 33:14
• Salt Lake City Adventure / Wallet Story: 47:01 – 54:50
• Epic Ice Cream Review: 39:06 – 46:01
• Laundry, Cold Water & Environmental Hack: 56:10 – 58:27

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Tone & Style

• Warm, silly, and self-deprecating; the conversation is a meandering, intimate reflection of real relationships, full of in-jokes, tangents, and everyday wisdom.
• Occasional philosophical depth checks in between playful riffs.
• Quotable, casual, and friendly—true to the spirit of “You Made It Weird.”

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Final Takeaway

This episode delivers on the promise that everybody has secret weirdness worth sharing—and poking fun at. With its blend of “first-world problem” confessions, reflections on friendship boundaries, and gentle marital ribbing, Pete and Valerie turn the minutiae of modern adulthood into something weird, wonderful, and ultimately deeply relatable.

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Outro Notes:

• “Keep it crispy.”
• Shout-outs to Toronto fans, the “Pete Here Now” tour, and podcast guests.

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Transcript

[A]

You made it with. You made it weird.

[B]

You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did. It made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[A]

What's happening, weirdo?

[B]

Live to tape in Toronto, Ontario.

[A]

Live to tape.

[B]

Jimmy Kimmel. Live to tape. We are Toronto, Ontario, and we are here and we're loving it.

[A]

We're having incredible food, Toronto vibe, Sleeper game.

[B]

Sleeper game Toronto. And the show tonight.

[A]

Everybody's super excited, knows it's great. I'm just learning it.

[B]

Sorry, this episode's. I'm just ignoring you. I don't know why. Sorry, this episode's a little bit late, but we're thrilled that you're here. If you are in Toronto, come see me tonight. I think there's only a couple ticks left, which I say with a whole lot of glee. It is no longer the PG13 tour because it's. It's dirty. Who cares? It's called the Pete Here now tour. And I after this, I'm going to be in LA, Nashville, Irvine, San Jose, Houston, Royal Oak, Washington, D.C. boston, Massachusetts, Spokane. Oh, wait, so Boston's on sale? Oh, no, I guess that was St. Louis. Cleveland, Pennsylvania, Atlantic City. And it's not on there yet, but right around Atlantic City is going to be New York. I don't know why that's not on sale yet, but it's not. But spoiler will be coming to New York, which I'm very, very excited about. So go to PeteHomes.com for all of those. And the show is supported by. By our Pete's Picks, as we call them. These are ads for things that we actually use and actually love. Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Magic Mind. When I Fly. I'm currently in Utah shooting a movie. And guess what? I have the whole crew drinking Magic Mind. Why? Because we're trying to make something. We're trying to create something. We're trying to create something special and magical. Trying to keep our energy levels up, trying to keep our minds sharp. And Magic Mind is the perfect creator drink. It's like Creator Aid. Coffee. Sh. Sure, I like a little coffee, but it can get you jittery, it can get you wired, it can mess with your sleep. Magic Mind is matcha. So it's got about as much caffeine as half a cup of coffee. It's also got nootropics, earth grown, which help you focus, concentrate, think, use your brain. And it's got adaptogens like lion's mane, which help you calm down and stay regulated. So you got up with the caffeine, you got down with the adaptogens. Putting you right where you want to be in the middle for that flow state. State lasts about 3, 4 hours. In fact, I did a show while I was here in Utah. I'll drink one, six, seven o' clock at night, still go to bed. Absolutely no problem. It is not jittery. It is dialed in. It's absolutely in flow state. It's flow state in a bottle. It tastes fantastic. I absolutely love it. You got to give it a try. Go to MagicMind Co weird and use our discount code at checkout. Weird. For a limited 20% off your first order. That's MagicMind Co weird. Get Use discount code Weird at checkout. It is absolutely wonderful. Fights off add, fights off. Procrastination, brain fog, fatigue. You got to get it in your life. Magicmind Co Weird. All right. We're so glad you're here. Sorry, I was looking something up while recording the intro. That was rude. But this episode is amazing. We're so glad you're here, Valerie.

[A]

Get into it.

[B]

I'm sitting here with IQ superstar Valerie and Chaney. How are you today, Valerie?

[A]

Feeling pretty brilliant today, Peter.

[B]

Oh, guess what, Guess what, Guess what. We don't. Well, I guess we will do an intro. I was gonna say, I think there's only one mid roll. So we don't even. This can just be the intro. That's what we'll do. This is what we'll do. What do you mean this can be the intro?

[A]

Like we're.

[B]

And then we just go into the episode.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Does that even matter? Is that like a thrill?

[A]

I'm wondering if we even need an intro then.

[B]

Yeah, we'll do an intro. We'll do an intro. It doesn't feel right. Okay, but we could have not done an. It doesn't matter. Hi. Hi. So Val took an IQ test.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Like the Seinfeld episode. And I.

[A]

Boy, are my arms tired.

[B]

I wish there was a word that meant like brain unit that was like ums and boy are my arms tired. You know?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm really just making my own world where I'm like, imagine if there was a world that meant brain unit of intelligence. You could have said, boy, am I arms tired. That's nothing. That was a waste of. Imagine if something that wasn't was was. Then that could have been.

[A]

Then you could have made a joke about that and then it would have been funny.

[B]

I guess what I was hoping was, boy, are my Arms tired was delightfully. Correct me if I'm wrong. This was your point. Not a great joke. Like, you were like, I'm a genius. Yeah, no, I thought that was the joke.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like a tweezer. I hardly know her. Like, the joke is that it was an answer.

[A]

And I hate those, too.

[B]

No, you love those.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Welcome to. So, where did you take your IQ test?

[A]

Okay, so this is the thing. I literally just took this IQ test, so I can't even.

[B]

How long did it take?

[A]

Vouch for it. It took me, like, seven minutes. It was 30 questions they were getting.

[B]

I think a real IQ test takes longer than seven minutes.

[A]

Okay, well, if you were going to tear this apart, why wouldn't you do it before we got on the air?

[B]

Because this is when we hang out.

[A]

All right, that's true.

[B]

Although. That's not true.

[A]

Look, I'm not. I'm not claiming that it was a perfectly legitimate IQ test test.

[B]

Let's ask. I took an IQ test on Impulse. Impulse. Which is a website. Oh, Impulse app. And it took seven minutes. And I'm wondering if the score I got from that IQ test on impulse app for seven minutes is legitimate.

[A]

It was 30 questions.

[B]

It was 30 questions. And very difficult. Was that legitimate?

[A]

It's understandable to be curious about your IQ score. However, the legitimacy of IQ tests can vary significantly depending on the source. Many online tests, especially those that are short and not administered by professionals, may not provide an accurate measure.

[B]

Okay, stop embarrassing my wife, all right? You've embarrassed my wife.

[A]

Here's the thing. I wasn't coming all up in here being like, look at me. Well, I'm so smart. You're the one that made a big deal about it because. And said, let's talk about it on the podcast. I'm trying to say I just found this little Q test, which, by the way, it's not like this will take seven minutes. It took me seven minutes. It was timing me.

[B]

What if you did take the one that usually takes people an hour, but it took you seven minutes? That would support your score of 142. 142. And Stephen Hawking is 160. 160. So 20. 20 points shy of old Hawkins. Old Hawkins, who has nothing to do but think. That's not a Ableist joke. That's just. He's sitting around doing some thinking.

[A]

Okay? All I want to show.

[B]

Ableist.

[A]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

Let's just own it. It was Just. Be honest. It was.

[A]

Here's the thing. I. I don't think. I don't think that I. It was suspicious to me too, maybe. But here.

[B]

I can't. I.

[A]

Here's what I'm proud of.

[B]

I can't.

[A]

Here's what I'm proud of.

[B]

I need to go first. I can't believe you're even embarrassed. I can't believe you're even a little bit embarrassed.

[A]

Well, it's kind of a dumb thing.

[B]

It's not. I fully believe you're a 142. Fully.

[A]

Well, I don't think so.

[B]

But I thought I brought chatgpt jiput into this to be like, yes, seven minutes can get you. You know, she started talking about the validity of the test in general.

[A]

Right. That's why everything I looked up was also doing that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, I've never even taken an IQ test like this. I was just dabbling. You were doing this interview. I'm in this hotel room, and I was like, let me just see. And here's what I will say. It was. It was getting increasingly harder.

[B]

I believe it. Seven minutes is a long time to be tortured by academia.

[A]

It was making my brain, like, challenged and. But what I feel proud about is that I, like, at a certain point, as it was getting harder and harder and it's all these little, like, detailed pattern recognition things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was just like, okay, just think about it less, like, what's your gut? And then I would go with. I would, like, see my gut. And then I would kind of check my work. And then I did that, and I got 29 out of 30 questions. Right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So, okay. And it was like, okay. Did you feel distracted while you were doing this test? And I was like, no, I was, like, fully engaged. So that also seem. Seemed nice. Like, okay, I don't know if there's an ADHD thing here.

[B]

I love it. And I didn't. When you said you had a very high iq, I didn't doubt it.

[A]

I didn't say I have a very high iq.

[B]

Well, also, like, every que. If it's. If you got one wrong each question. Look, if I had a high IQ, if it's 30 questions and 180is this. So if you had gotten one more, would you have had, like, 180? Does it go up to 180?

[A]

Yeah, it must. Yeah.

[B]

Why. Why not 200? They're so menta about it.

[A]

They are.

[B]

They're like. Because that would be pedestrian.

[A]

Right.

[B]

If it ends on 200, I did see that. Let's drop it. I want you to take the compliment. We don't have to Drop it. What are you saying?

[A]

I did see that the app has. It said like, take the general IQ test and that one is 60 minutes. So I think I took a little teaser.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think I got. They gave me just a little slice of an IQ test and they're like, bas based on how things are going here. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Well, one wrong, but it. Yeah, one wrong.

[A]

Anyway.

[B]

One wrong and it docked you 60 points.

[A]

I know, I know.

[B]

That's. That's it. It has to go up to like 150.

[A]

I mean, but I also, when we were trying to get set up for the pod here, I was like, okay. I couldn't find quick time on your computer. And then I couldn't think of the words for chair.

[B]

Yeah. But think of, think of a genius. In fact, let's cast him as a 30 Albert Brooks, and he's a genius.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How's he doing? Finding quick time. You know what I mean?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like that's the whole thing is there's dandruff, there's patches on coats. You know, elbow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's like a revolving door that he pushes the wrong way.

[A]

Wow. Did elbow patches come because they were like worn elbow holes from just being sloppy.

[B]

I've never. It's not sloppy. I don't think it's busy. It's busy. They're constantly reading.

[A]

Uh huh. So they've got elbows on the table.

[B]

They're constantly writing, elbow, elbow, elbow. I'm gonna say an abacus. Is an elbow heavy.

[A]

As heavy as either of those things, which I don't think is very heavy.

[B]

But think of athletics. The elbow is never touching anything. Tennis elbow.

[A]

This is not real. You do not use elbows for riding.

[B]

Yes, you do.

[A]

And you do use for athletics.

[B]

You're at a desk. But the elbow is. Hold on, hold on. The elbow is an open air elbow. It's being used, but it's open air. If you wore a blazer, if Michael Jordan wore a blazer for an entire season of sports. Yeah. The elbow would be worn down. It would be. Would it?

[A]

From playing basketball?

[B]

Yeah. But I think it would be worn down from the inside. I feel very strongly about this. The academic. The academic wears it down from the outside. Wears it out from the inside. So the elbow is screwed either way.

[A]

Yeah. I guess if you're. I think if you're left handed, that elbow is getting worn out. And let's be honest, because you know how they have to do the little curl around.

[B]

It's the cutest little curl. The cutest little curl around.

[A]

What is it about, I guess because we write left to right.

[B]

Yeah, we write left to right. So a left handed person would probably rather write right to left. But would they write the word right to left? Would, like arrival. Are they writing the last letter first?

[A]

I don't know. But if they were writing Taco Cat, it wouldn't matter.

[B]

Taco Cat. Our favorite palindrome. Welcome to the palindrome. That was a Public Enemy reference. I really feel like that was an aggressive bit. Dump.

[A]

Oh. I feel exhausted after that.

[B]

I feel energized and ready to live.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna grab my coffee. It's just right here. Don't freak out.

[B]

Oh, I love these little moments where you're a little off. Mike, say no. No. Say something while you're over there.

[A]

Something while you're over there.

[B]

No, you don't have to do that to your voice. Say it normal.

[A]

Hi, I'm over here now.

[B]

And then come back.

[A]

And now I'm over here.

[B]

It's that NPR flavor. And we are an NPR show.

[A]

Oh, yeah. This is like.

[B]

Yeah, you're. Now you're like.

[A]

Like, hey.

[B]

Yes. Now you got it. I knew.

[A]

And then, like, the narrator starts to.

[B]

Talk, even though over it.

[A]

Over it.

[B]

Will you be you meeting me for an interview?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I'll be you narrating it.

[A]

All right. Hey, is this the right. Am I in. Am I in the right place?

[B]

It was a Tuesday, and his apartment was surprisingly clean for such a dirty mind. Who knew that Larry Flint the pornographer would live in such pristine conditions? I sat down and things started a little bit weird.

[A]

Well, we can begin whenever you want to.

[B]

I've always had a thing for Civil War swords. That was Larry Flynt, who is dead. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. That doesn't matter.

[A]

That felt real.

[B]

What?

[A]

Just that you were, like. You felt, like a little embarrassed.

[B]

Whoopsie daisy. Whoopsie doodle.

[A]

It was a real whoopsie daisy.

[B]

It's a real whoopsie doodle. I have something to share.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Well, there's a lot to share, actually. There's no shortage of things to update because those past two, we made it weird. We recorded ahead of time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we were talking about a lot of emotional stuff. And in between that and this, there's been weeks off for us where I've been shooting a movie, which we can talk about, and we've been traveling together, and we're here in Toronto. But here's what I want to share. Our friend Ariella Smell, as I call her, as everyone calls her, that knew her.

[A]

Okay, you want to take that again?

[B]

Yes. Our friend Ariella.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I just ended there. No, I do it again. Who I call Smell. Who anyone calls Smell, if you know her. So I think I talked about this on the podcast. I certainly talked about it on the podcast that's coming out probably next week with Carol Leifer. Carol Leifer was one of my favorite people of all time, and I loved our episode. She wrote for Seinfeld. I think she wrote for Curb. Anyway, I was telling her that Ariella, our friend who's being name checked right now, was at our house, and I had an envelope. I had a letter, remember, that I had to send, but I didn't have any stamps.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes.

[B]

And I gave her the letter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I said, would you mail this for me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she. Ariel is like me. She can't hide how she feels.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she was so obviously, like, not just put out. Put out as a certain face. She was insulted.

[A]

Yeah, she was insulted.

[B]

She was insulted that I was like, would you mail? Like, she made a joke, like, am I your assistant or something? After I called her out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She was like, oh, yeah, sure. But then I was like, what? And that led to this conversation about, like, it just feels like, I don't know. You wouldn't ask a friend to pick up your dry cleaning.

[A]

No.

[B]

But you should if they're going to the dry cleaner. I mean, I guess you shouldn't, but you could.

[A]

Well, here's the thing. This is sort of twofold.

[B]

One is, this is going someplace fun.

[A]

By the way, you definitely think that mailing is a bigger deal than it is me. Yes, because. And I think it's because you've always lived in cities maybe, where you actually have to drive past a mailbox and, like, find one and put it in. We got a real mailbox now, buddy. You put that flag up.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

All you have to do.

[B]

Two things that I resist wholeheartedly even though they're in my life. One is a dishwasher.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't. I don't trust it. I don't trust it.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

I don't believe it.

[A]

It is. It's.

[B]

I just. Yes, tell me.

[A]

Filling the space with hot as hell water.

[B]

Hotter than the hinges of hell.

[A]

Hotter than the hinges of hell water.

[B]

And there's nothing scrubbing it, though.

[A]

The water pressure is like. That's why we do a. We do a nice little wipe down before.

[B]

Okay. Well, welcome to my first Malcolm Gladwell mansplain. I'm Glad you're here.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

I listen, it's almost over.

[A]

That makes one of us.

[B]

Which one?

[A]

It was a little late.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm glad you're here.

[B]

Oh, no. I listened to a very interesting Malcolm Gladwell episode about revisionist history called laundry and I was like, okay, I bet old Malky Glads can make laundry interesting. And he did. And I'm almost done. But I do think everyone needs to know this one. Do you have to pre rinse your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher? The answer is no if you use Cascade.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's why I bought Cascade for us.

[A]

And are you going to use the.

[B]

Dishwasher now that we have like the chemical brilliance? Brilliance. I hope it's not too toxic. But it's like they figured out this soap is sprayed in hot water will work. Then I can put my faith not in the machine, but in chemistry, which is a little bit more magical than just. I just don't buy it. Because the way the plates go in, they're like leaning on each other. It's like last call at a bar.

[A]

When I put them in, I'm very specific about how I put them.

[B]

I've seen a few of yours that are a little crowded. It's like a suds soap wash at a burning man.

[A]

Well, here's what I'm not. Here's where my issue comes in. When there is a talk about Cascade. When there is an avalanche of wet dishes, including the silverware just next to the sink and you have to grab a fork out and all the dishes. Cascade.

[B]

Yeah. Cascade. Yeah. Yeah. Nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's my cascading.

[A]

That's your Cascade.

[B]

It does speak to. And we're done with this topic. But it's how I leave things out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The dishwasher is this weird drawer.

[A]

You just can't put anything away. Not even dirty dishes.

[B]

If I want to. And I don't even like this about myself, but I'm a real insight in mind person. I hate that that means, like, that's not entirely true. Like, I haven't seen Joe Derosa in years, but I think about him all the time. So you can cross a threshold with me. But not plates. Can't.

[A]

But not. Please.

[B]

But not plates. Can't. If a plate is in a dishwasher, it might as well be in a dump. It's gone and I'll never think of it again. But if it's in that mountain of washed dishes, I would just like to be a monk. I want one bowl and one spoon. And that's all my meals. And I wash it and I leave it in some sort of like, clay, kind of like carved out conclave window.

[A]

Well, if you want to just use one spoon and one bowl and one fork and wash it every time, that I would be okay with.

[B]

I'm not joking. If I could have one bowl. And this is gonna be a nice bowl.

[A]

We're all gonna continue living normally, but that will make the dishes at least a third less.

[B]

I think I'm a big problem. I'm a real second spooner. Like, I get like a spoon of peanut butter, and I'm like, that's all I'm gonna have. And then my brain is like, holy shit, peanut butter. And then I'm getting a second spoon and a third spoon. Yeah, yeah, it's a problem. So I think once I'm doing this, in fact, I'm stoked because, look, I'm gonna say something very strong here. There's no meal you can't eat with a spoon. You said one fork. There's no fork in this system. There's one spoon, and you're getting a.

[A]

Salad with the salad spoon.

[B]

Hell, yeah. I'm going to thumb top it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Thumb top it.

[A]

You have one spoon and one fork in one bowl.

[B]

It ruins it. It's one.

[A]

All right, you heard it here, Richard Rorsch style.

[B]

And I clean it. I dunk it. That sound in the hot, soapy water. And I clean it. And you're like, is that Jesus?

[A]

You're gonna make a tub of hot soapy water?

[B]

I'm fill the sink with hot soapy, and I'm gonna dunk it. And Leela's gonna look and go, daddy. And she's gonna see, like, an iconic halo. I'm gonna. I would love to do that.

[A]

I mean, great. I think that's awesome.

[B]

Deal.

[A]

If you could also limit how much. How many pairs of underwear you wear a day.

[B]

That's also a big problem for me. I'm constantly changing underwear. I can't. I can't take a shower and put on the same.

[A]

Nobody is as familiar with the material, the fold, the. The lifespan of me undies than I am. And it's because of your underwear.

[B]

They're no longer a sponsor. So can we bleep that, please?

[A]

Well, then if they're no longer a sponsor, I can say I don't wear them. So. And I am more familiar.

[B]

We never lied about that. You did.

[A]

I did. I used to.

[B]

All right. But I felt like you were like, pete, lies in the ads.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I. I was still using that for my. My initial point is I'm so.

[B]

I overreacted. I'm embarrassed.

[A]

I'm sorry. So familiar with the brand of underwear that I don't even wear. Yes, because you wear enough for 10 soldiers.

[B]

And. Did I? Oh, I did. I told you about that psychic reading I got where they're like, you should wear red underwear every day. That's a. That's a. That's a bridge too far for me. But I do. I. Unfortunately, I heard it. So I do wear red underwear on important days. Any who's a woozle warn socks. By the way, they are a sponsor, and I. Those are the fucking shit, man. I love them.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Get them. Get Them Worn. Which is a weird name for a sock company. It sounds like these are worn. Yeah, but they're dope. They're the sock. This is an ad. I'm done. But use promo code.

[A]

Weird.

[B]

Here's where I was going with the. Can you mail this letter for me?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Because there's a very funny conclusion to this little aside I told Carol Leifer that we were talking about, like, when you have Curb youb Enthusiasm moments.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like. I had one. I asked a friend to mail it, and she was offended. Like, for real, not in a fake. You know?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, it was friendly offended.

[B]

But she was offended.

[A]

What are you.

[B]

Yeah, we're close enough that I could be like, why are you offended? And she's like, because it feels. There's got to be a word for this. It's not pedestrian, but it's like. It feels like condescending. It's condescending.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're asking me to do clerical work for you.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, everybody works for you.

[B]

And I'm like. And I said I would ask you for a cup of milk. I'm asking you for one stamp. Please give me a stamp. In fact, if you had stamps on you.

[A]

Not even just that. It's like. It's. I almost feel like it would be different if it was like she was coming over. It would be different if she was coming over and you texted beforehand and said, hey, do you have any stamps? I need to mail a letter.

[B]

This is. This is fascinating. It's more if the arrow is going this way.

[A]

Way.

[B]

And she's at home and I get her there.

[A]

Yeah. But it's also.

[B]

Could you bring me one stamp? That's fine.

[A]

It's. You know what? It's a perfect, like, what's the word chair.

[B]

Oh my God. She couldn't think of the word chair earlier. Right after her.

[A]

It's the perfect intersection between. Easy enough that you should do it yourself.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But too much to ask a friend to do it.

[B]

I agree. Because there's two steps. It's getting a stamp. And let's be real, most of us, I think 99% of America isn't sure if they have stamps.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

1%, they have a drawer. And it's sheets of them, like deeds or stocks. Like, it's like big birth certificate sized sheets of American. Those like every stamp. Like the ones that never decrease in value. Yeah.

[A]

Forever.

[B]

That's what I would do, by the way. That is my. One bowl, one spoon. I would love a drawer and left to my own.

[A]

You can.

[B]

No, I know that I try when I buy stamps.

[A]

You really buy stamps?

[B]

Oh, I buy stamps. Yeah. But we ran out of stamps. I don't even know how, but I'm finally needing one. Anyway, this is news. Here's what happened. We're talking about how curb that is. She just texted me that she had lunch with Larry David, told him the story.

[A]

What?

[B]

And that he loved it.

[A]

What?

[B]

And that he was riffing on it. Where's my phone?

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

Yes. And she said, too bad curb isn't happening. Because he. It would have been perfect.

[A]

He.

[B]

Absolutely. Okay. Hi, Pete, it's your best friend, Carol Leifer. I have to tell you the funny story. Lunch with Larry. And I told him your stamp letter idea. He absolutely loved it. So much so that he started riffing on it that if it was Cheryl and Ted, he could say, oh, you can't mail it. Huh? I know where your mailbox is. It's right outside your house. I thought you would enjoy that. Too bad curb isn't happening. It would have been a home run. What a thrill. That's what Larry is there for, is for us with these little peccadillos that we feel really strongly about that I'm like, what is the big deal? Take it home with you. You're already going home. You're already mailing letters. Just do it. But I also do understand.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That it's like, will you.

[A]

It's. It's just this thing.

[B]

Like, it's like, will you zip up my bag for me? There's something wrong.

[A]

There's something wrong about it. And it is that exact unspoken sort of social thing that curb always points out where it really is. You're. You're not wrong, Walter. You're just an asshole kind of Thing. You're like. I guess technically you are. Right. It's not a big deal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, there. It's just not the done thing. And we've all sort of. There's implications to it, which is like, I really did know a person growing up, one of my dad's best friends, who really did sort of treat everyone like they worked for him. Like he had no problem just delegating his entire life to people. And there were things where it was like, he left his medic. He came to visit in New York, and he left his medication, and I was in New York, and then I find myself literally having to go pick his medication up and mail it to. And I'm like, I barely. I'm not. I barely know him.

[B]

But, yes.

[A]

You know, it was just like, how do you always find situations where somebody has to do something?

[B]

That's my mom. She. Remember when we were in the LA place and she came and visited, or they came and she gave Leela. No, she brought, like, a book for Leela, and then she left it at a restaurant.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And then asked me to go to the restaurant to get the book.

[A]

I forgot.

[B]

Do you remember?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I was like. I was Ariella. I was like, no, it's a. Like, I can understand. It was, like, across town. It was not a chill. It was easy because you just lost your wallet. We could tell that story. I love this story.

[A]

Oh, I love that story.

[B]

Let me. Let me finish.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We'll close this half with the wallet story, which is a great. I'm so stoked that I remembered the wallet story. It also illustrates that we will get in a car to do reasonable things, but not. And I remember saying to my mom, I'm like, that's not a gift. That's an errand. Like, I might as well just go. Go drive to a bookstore and buy the book.

[A]

Right. When you give someone a gift, this is another Curve youb Enthusiasm moment. Because you go, when you give someone a gift, it's still your responsibility until.

[B]

I have it to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To the delivering of the gift.

[A]

And then I could totally see Larry being like, I delivered the gift. You opened the gift. Now it's your issue.

[B]

It's your problem. Yes. Yeah.

[A]

You are responsible for it.

[B]

If I. If you gave me the book and then I left it at a restaurant, I couldn't ask the person who gave me the gift to go get it, because as soon as it leaves their hands and touches mine, it is now my book.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

It's my gift.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a good curb. Yeah, that's a very good curb. Here's my last. I can't believe it's not butter, but I can't believe. I have another point about the letter thing, but I remember Jay Larson, who I love. We talk about. I don't remember why we were talking about this, but he's from Boston. I think there's something Bostony about this. There's things that you can do where you look kind of cool and it puts you in a good mood.

[A]

Oh, I know where we're going with this.

[B]

You do?

[A]

I think.

[B]

Okay. He said if he had, like, a general meeting, let's say at wme. It's an agency. It's my agency. Anyway, if you went to that building, and these are big, impressive buildings in Beverly Hills, it's the. It's the place where they offer you water and, you know, like, snacks, and it's nice. It's a real building, real office. And he said something that I like to do is if I have a letter I need to mail. I think it does have a stamp. In this case, it does have a stamp, but he said it made me feel like a million bucks. It's not just cool. It's like. We love feeling like grownups. Like, the way our fathers. My father certainly is like the mayor of Somerville and, like, goes in places and knows who to say hi to, and they give him a cookie or whatever it is. Like, there's like, a familiarity, but there's like a, you belong here. You're cool. But you also have some ownership of a space.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's very like dad to us. So we like that. So Jay said he had a meeting. He had a letter on his way out. He gave it to the. The front desk and said, would you add this to your outgoing mail, please? And they're like, of course. It's literally a pile on their desk. It's not a big deal, but it makes you feel. Because those buildings, like courthouses, are designed to make you feel less than.

[A]

Right.

[B]

WME is like, we're made of white marble. What are you made of? Like, that's what it's saying.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's why you can have. You can woo clients, but it's also to, like, scare your competition and all this stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So saying, will you mail this for me? Gives you just a little bit of ownership of this.

[A]

Like, I belong here. My mail goes out here.

[B]

Oh, yeah, they mail my mail. I used to go and visit my agent, Marla, at Innovative in New York, who I Still love Marla Houch. She's amazing. And, Alan, I loved everybody at Innovative. Anyway, I used to go there and I would open Marla's mail, and it was the most intimate. We loved it because she didn't want. It was all these, like, cold calling people. So I would open headshots, and sometimes I would be like, this guy looks really interesting. And, you know, would advocate for people and. But it was a very intimate, obviously not sexual, but intimate way. Usually you go to an office, like, innovative, and you're scared, but I'm so comfortable.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, it started by, like, sitting down at her desk. That's the beginning. Then it goes like, what is this mail? And now. And now it's a bit like, if we ever text her email, she still says, I miss opening mail with you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was fun. So it's got a little bit of that flavor. But what I'm going to concede here is the reason that feels nice is asking now, wme not a person, but a place to mail your mail is the slightest win for you. So me asking Ariella to mail my mail is an imposition, is a dick kind of thing. It's just a little bit too much in your space. You mail this from me. Mail your rent goes in the mail. Like, you mail this. I completely see her point.

[A]

Yeah, totally. I think there is that. I do think there's also, like, an unspoken male, female thing happening.

[B]

Male.

[A]

Male.

[B]

It's called male for a reason.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And isn't mailman a little redundant? Stupid.

[A]

Male. Male. Male.

[B]

It's male carrier, by the way.

[A]

Yeah. There's sort of like a secretary kind of vibe to the. To a man asking a woman to do that.

[B]

What's funny is that's no gender is at play.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sam, her partner. Will you mail this for me? He'd be like, who cares?

[A]

Yeah. Also, there is sort of one thing that makes the relationship with this couple work is that, like, Sam and I are very similar in a lot of ways. And you and Ariella are very similar.

[B]

So I was asking the me of that relationship. I should have asked the you.

[A]

Yeah, you should have asked the vat of that relationship. Sam is the type of person who texts when he's on the way to the grocery store. Yeah.

[B]

Sam is who you call if your car breaks down.

[A]

Exactly. Literally. I called him when my car broke down.

[B]

Yeah. And no offense to me or Ariella, you don't call us because we'll be like, is uber black. Okay.

[A]

I mean, Ariella is my emergency contact. For a lot of great. She's a great.

[B]

She's better than. She's better than I am. And of course I would. In fact, that takes us into our story. I am not as curmudgeonly in that regard. Who cares? We went. We were in Salt Lake City.

[A]

Do we need to go to the mid. Oh, the minerals.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we should go to the minerals when we come back. Yeah, we're gonna tell this story.

[A]

Salacious. Salt Lake City.

[B]

Salt Lake. Because we went to get ice cream. Some of the best. Stay tuned just for us talking about the ice cream we had.

[A]

Do you want to hear two food addicts talk about the best ice cream they've ever had?

[B]

Jesus, you guys don't even know how excited I'm gonna be talking about this ice cream.

[A]

Oh, fuck.

[B]

That's not what you're picturing.

[A]

That's not what you're thinking.

[B]

I know you're picturing some sort of, like, forkable ice cream where there's, like, cake in it.

[A]

Spoons and forks.

[B]

Right now I'm saying there's certain, like, chunky soup, so you can eat it with a fork. It's not. It's not chunky soup ice cream. It's actually the opposite. It's like a Japanese hotel room minimalist ice cream. And you're not.

[A]

Don't give it away.

[B]

I won't give it away. There's only two little ads here, I think. Oh, wait, I actually don't know. I don't know.

[A]

All right, so you get to find out.

[B]

Yeah, I haven't done. No, I have. We'll all find out together what's about to happen. You tell me. Here they are. Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage. This episode is brought to us by our friends at dad Grass. I am obsessed with leisure drink because, as you know, probably from listening to the show, I don't drink alcohol anymore. But I occasionally enjoy the hemp arts. And dad Grass makes the best hemp arts. They didn't ask me to say hemp arts. I'm saying hemp arts. They make leisure drink, which is not only one of the tastiest beverages I've ever had in my life, with, like, yuzu flavor. It's unbelievable. But it's also the perfect dose of hemp. Not too little, not too much to loosen you up and let you settle into a social event. Holding a can of something frosty in your hand so I don't feel left out. I'm feeling light, I'm feeling fun. I'm laughing more. I'm loosening up thanks to our friends at dad Grass who like me, noticed that weed was too damn strong so they made a perfect stackable beverage that is delicious, sparkling and finally, when there's a casual, light hearted way to have fun and relax your body and your mind with your friends, I've been putting my leisure drinks out at parties. I've been sipping them during family movie nights because it's mild. It's just a little lightness, not falling into a black hole of oblivion where I can laugh at things a little easier, enjoy family movies like the Parent Trap, which is what it was, and eating pizza with my family but not eating the entire pizza because I'm completely stoned out of my mind. It's only 3 milligrams of THC, 6 milligrams of CBD and 2,200 milligrams of Lion's Mane per can, which really helps the dose feel nice in your body. It's mild, it's happy and relaxed, absolutely no hangover, stackable for a bigger buzz and fast acting. So get leisure drinks and all of dad Grass's products including including joints and gummies. Go to dadgrass.com weird use promo code weird for 20% off. That's dadgrass.com weird promo code weird for 20 off we're also brought to us by our friends at Tushy. Mothers change as many as 6,000 diapers per baby. So let's let the woman of the house get a hall pass when it comes to wiping her own butt. That's right, a bidet is the mother is the mother. Excuse me, it's the mother of all small Mother's Day gifts. Baby that Bottom With Wave, Cloud plus and Aura by Tushy Bidet. These are the everyday luxury bidets that instantly transform your bathroom habits and bottom health for life. I don't understand why in 2025 we're still just wiping our butts with paper. If you had poop on your hand, you would wash it off. It's the same with your butt. Get a warm, comfortable blast of water straight at your butthole. Clean as a whistle. It's like power blasting dry leaves out of your driveway with a high powered hose. A Tushy bidet is an absolute game changer. There is no going back. It's easy, it's fast and once you try it, your life will never be the same. I thought it would be weird. It's not weird. I thought it couldn't find what it's supposed to find. No, it finds it right away. I thought there's no other way now to poop. It feels primitive any other way. This is like a midday shower in five seconds with every poo the way God intended. So reclaim your comfort zone in the bathroom. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off your first bidet order when you use code weird at checkout. That's 10% off your first [e-mail] with promo code weird.

[A]

All right, all right, we're back.

[B]

We're back.

[A]

And the ice cream story does have an interesting. It has multi dimensions. It's not just. We both had the best ice cream experience.

[B]

No. That wouldn't be worth bringing up.

[A]

Right? Okay.

[B]

This isn't a food critique.

[A]

You start how you were gonna start. We're in Salt Lake City.

[B]

Well, we wrapped the movie.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I'll briefly say that the movie's called St. Peter, and it was the most first, easiest and funnest film experience I've ever had. It was also the most challenging. And Joshua, in a good way. In a good way challenging, like. Yes, that's the word. Was creatively fulfilling. It was. Me and Judy Greer, Christian Conver and Josh Clausner wrote it. And Harvey. I'm always going to say his name wrong. It's not Guienne, but it looked G, U, I, L, L, E, N, I believe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With an. With a accent.

[A]

Guillermo. From what we do in the shadows.

[B]

Yes. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful people. And Salt Lake is only an hour and a half from where we live by. By bus.

[A]

I'm just kidding.

[B]

By airplane. So it was the best. I never had a movie go faster than you thought. And every day I'd wake up, there were these big emotional scenes. And I literally was, you know, sitting alone, listening to no Hard Feelings by the Avett Brothers and Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah and the Ballad of Love and Hate by the Avid Brothers on a loop. Just trying to stay sad. Watching Manchester by the Sea over and over certain scenes. Just trying to stay sad, doing these scenes, but literally having moments. Sorry, I'm sort of telling the story. I had a scene where I really had to be having, like, almost like a breakdown and prepping for it. And they're like, we'll be ready for you in 30 minutes. So I was listening to sad music. I was watching sad things. I was just staying almost, like, rocking, staying in this, like, wet heart space. 30 minutes goes by. I'm primed. I'm perfect. I'm exactly ready. They need another 30 minutes. And when I say I dried up, I felt my tear ducts and my emotions and my heart, everything just went away.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Like, that feeling of, like. You know what it feels like when you're, like, in a zone? And I got out of the zone and I literally. And I love moments like this happens every time I type a stand up special. There's always one moment of like, I don't know if I can do this. There was a real moment of like, what if I don't do it? Everyone will know. It's one of these scenes where you're like, everyone will know if you can't do it. It's like doing an impression of Bill Clinton. Everyone's gonna know if it's wrong. And I'm doing the scene and. But it did come back. But the point of the story was pushing past a moment of, I don't think I can do this. And I'm getting better at. In real time, going like, this is part of it.

[A]

Yeah, this is exactly part.

[B]

You're right on schedule. You're supposed to go, I don't think I can do this.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And actually, this is your life. Try to enjoy it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Real time looking back almost while it's happening, going like, this is good. It's gonna motivate you. And it did. Anyway, we wrapped St. Peter. Val is here. Val and Leela visited one time. And then Val came alone. And obviously we've been talking about Lila constantly. And when it's just us, we can't believe it. We're like, I can't believe we're sitting still.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it's just a miracle.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

We went to dinner. My friend, the second A.D. chris, recommended this place. We went.

[A]

I think we could say what it is.

[B]

It's called Barnum. And it was in Salt Lake City.

[A]

One of the best, best meals of our entire lives.

[B]

It was unbelievable.

[A]

Just in it.

[B]

Unbelievable.

[A]

It's like it's an Izakaya place, but it's almost exclusively gluten free, which for all my gluties out there.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That is so rare because soy sauce, everything.

[B]

Soy sauce, the unnecessary ruiner for the gluten person. Because Tamari is just as well.

[A]

And it was so delicious. And, yeah, we are. Just to add to what you're saying, I won't derail us, but, like, we can't even believe how good it feels to just be alone doing whatever we want to do. We're getting the most insanely good sleep of our lives. Really rested, really using a lot of.

[B]

That rested energy, literally talking to a painful extent of how much we Miss Leela.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

But that's also like, in a relationship, it's great to like, miss them and.

[A]

I think and see her clearer. We're like, I love it. Like, I have no notes on this person.

[B]

That's right. So we had this incredible meal and then I looked up an ice cream place and the only ice cream place there was was called normal ice cream. This is not a sponsor, it's not an ad, but it might be a chain. I don't know. We went and there was like a line out the door. We're like, this is awesome. Now we are going to talk about the ice cream.

[A]

So buckle up, Buckle up.

[B]

We'll try to keep it to under five minutes. But you said it. You know how McDonald's soft serve is almost like. Is this a melted so white baseball helmet?

[A]

What is it get.

[B]

It's like plastic and it's almost like caulk. Like it's too thick. You could like, you could fix a toilet with it. Like, like seal it to the ground with this ice cream. Oh, my God. I'm fucking freaking out. And it was, turns out it was one of those kind of places where like, you want to get just like, I'm fucking dying. You want to get like just the vanilla.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My mouth is watering so hard. You get the vanilla and you think this will be fine. But sometimes.

[A]

Gulp.

[B]

But sometimes ice cream is like triple ice cream.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like one ice cream. Like, it should be kind of like thin. It's like the thickest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So paste.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm eating it with Cocoa Pebbles on it and. And a chocolate dip. And I'm eating it and I'm. You got a strawberry.

[A]

I made a mistake. I made. I made a mistake, guys. So this is where there's some dimension to the story.

[B]

And we agreed that fruit is always a mistake.

[A]

Fruit is always a mistake. I've always been a chocolate girl. 100%. I'm getting coffee. I'm getting chocolate.

[B]

You felt bad the whole time.

[A]

I. And I. And I love also more than anything a dipped cone.

[B]

It was. And I got a dipped cup.

[A]

Oh. And I didn't think that was possible until after I already ordered and everything was moving fast and there was a line and I just like ordered this special tea, like strawberry with balsamic.

[B]

It sounds horrible. What you just said sounds horrible. I think it was good.

[A]

It was good.

[B]

It just wasn't as good as mine.

[A]

It just isn't like. And it was like freeze dried strawberries and strawberry meringue.

[B]

It was very good.

[A]

I Was like, I want to get the something special that I could only get here.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But then, like, as I was eating it, I was like, well, I just remembered I don't even like strawberry ice cream. Which is what this. That turned into.

[B]

Yeah, I like it more than you do.

[A]

I mean. Yeah, you do. I don't like strawberry ice cream.

[B]

You just kind of whiffed it, which was fine.

[A]

I totally whiffed it.

[B]

You just can't compete with vanilla. Triple vanilla ice cream with. That's not what they call it. Triple vanilla. It's beautiful. Like, it is so many ice creams in one ice cream.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then Cocoa Pebbles. It was unfucking.

[A]

And if you knew how close I was to saying. Because I ordered first, then you ordered.

[B]

You almost said, jamie.

[A]

I almost. I was so close to going, actually, I just want exactly what he got.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if I had, I know everything would have been different.

[B]

Here's the real story, though. The ice cream was the kind of ice cream that you go like. You know when you get ice cream, you're like, oh, I see why this is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A revolution. And anyone that's bumping on the fact that I'm mostly Eat a lot of vegan food. Yeah.

[A]

I don't think anyone.

[B]

I don't think anybody cares that.

[A]

I just think nobody believes that you're vegan. You're the only one still going.

[B]

I know. I'm the only one that says that. Here's. Here's what I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I eat a lot of vegan food. That's what I mean.

[A]

It only gets mentioned when you're not.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Doing it. So it really seems like I love.

[B]

Veganism and I eat a lot of vegan food, but, boy, I do cheat so often that maybe I should just stop saying it. Mostly vegetarian, sometimes not. Who cares? This is such a snooze. Here's what happened. We ate the ice cream. We go home. You look in your bag. You don't have your wallet.

[A]

Yeah. So I noticed right away, I don't have my wallet. And we had been so many places we had been.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

On set where I was on this couch where we kept.

[B]

Like, a man eater couch.

[A]

Like a man eater, leather couch, anything. And that was the joke throughout the day. It kept eating our contacts. Like, it kept. Like, we kept dropping things down and shining flashlights.

[B]

Triangle of big leather couches.

[A]

So I was like, it's probably on that couch. We. I have my text.

[B]

Can I stop you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When something is missing, like, you go My wallet. My wallet is gone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I, I. To your credit, I quoted Seinfeld. I went, my wallet's gone. My wallet's gone. And you laugh. And I was like, we're gonna be okay. It's fine. Yeah, it's Pete and Val. It's gonna be great. I. This is how I go. It's either in this room or it's gone forever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, well, that's. I immediately go to cancel the cards.

[A]

I think that point.

[B]

Make the DMV appointment.

[A]

That probably points to how little you've lost things. Not only have I been leaving purses and jackets and wallets all over America for, like, since I was like, 10.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But my dad also does that.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

So my whole life we've been going back to restaurants, going all. So I sort of. I did. I was like, I said, by the end of it, I was 60, 40. I was 60. We will find it.

[B]

Oh, really? I was 80, 20. We won't find it.

[A]

So. And I kept being like, thank God. Because of the real ID thing, I had to bring my passport. Otherwise that really would have been a big deal if I had lost my id.

[B]

Well, look, little sidebar, here. I am a Big Apple, and I didn't say this in the moment. I'm not a Pete splainer, but I do have Apple tags on almost everything.

[A]

And you did say that in the moment, and I did appreciate it. I know you said it after.

[B]

I said it after we found it.

[A]

Yeah, you're right.

[B]

I deliberately waited until. And you just spoiled the story.

[A]

Yeah, but. Okay, okay.

[B]

It's fine.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I don't actually think anyone's listening for the. The beats of this story, the thrill of it, but we. I was, like, very proud. I was like, it's fine. Let's just get in the car. And without a six year old with us, we were shocked at how manageable a small problem was. We were like, let's just go in the car, by the way. Just going in the car. Let's get the six year old's shoes back on.

[A]

Yes. Oh. She would have been like, I don't want to go. Just leave me here. Let me stay alone. Like it would have been such a thing.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But we did get in the car and we drove. I felt like Jason Bourne. I was like, okay, the ice cream place closes in 30 minutes. We'll go there first.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We texted set. We called the Uber. Uber driver we took home.

[A]

So there were like four places. It could have been five maybe. It was like Three different places on set that it could have been. Or the restaurant or the Uber.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like. But we're like, let's just start with.

[B]

The last place was the easiest one. We text them. There's a million people that can look for it. It's not there. Yeah. At this point, I'm like, it's definitely gone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I go as. I don't know why. I'm an optimistic person, but in my mind, I'm like, this is just doing something. So you feel like you did everything you could.

[A]

Right.

[B]

We drive to the ice cream place. I'm parked out front. You go in, five seconds later, you come back and you slam the wallet on the window. And we were like.

[A]

And we have a picture. I'll post it.

[B]

This was it's life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's worth it. To lose the wallet. To feel so good.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Not to be so Pete about it, but, like, Jesus tells three parables about losing things. The lost coin, the lost son. And I forget what. The lost sheep. So the feeling of losing something and then finding it is and has always been the best feeling.

[A]

It's the best.

[B]

And we were like. That's when I mentioned, like, you might want to put an apple tag in it. Much later.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But I was just so happy that, like. And then later, we were thinking about it. We were like, after you have a baby. I don't mean like raising a baby. I mean, give birth. You and I stayed up mostly you, obviously, but, like, we were up for two days straight.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're in pain. The scariest thing in the world. Cars, things. Sleeping on the. On a chair, all that stuff. You're like, after you do that, you're.

[A]

Kind of like, nothing's a big deal.

[B]

Wallet, small. It.

[A]

Like. I know.

[B]

Let's just.

[A]

Not just that, but everything that's happened in the. The six years since that.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Like, having a kid is so hard.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That and it's.

[B]

It works. The muscle of. Well, it's kind of inconvenient. We were still home and watching murder mystery by the end of it, and.

[A]

And we felt more elated than ever because there was a success. Like, we had had the best night already. We had an amazing dinner. You had wrapped. We were feeling good. We were celebrating. Some of us had perfect ice cream. And then. And then we have this success story of like, oh, no, something's gone terribly wrong. Wait a minute. No, it hasn't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the elation. And now I will just.

[B]

It's a feeling that's Reserved for peril.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Isn't that.

[B]

That's what we're always talking about on this podcast. When I had my big scene and I was scared I couldn't do it. That's pulling the string back on the bow.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

And then you feel a feeling you go to the chest. You need it. You need to go, where's my wallet? And then when you find it, even you guys listening to this story, it's not really about finding a wallet. It's about that there's a paywall in our feelings that go, you actually need to pay me up front in fear or inconvenience at least. And then I'll get you the top shelf.

[A]

That's right. And then the real highlight for me, anytime this has happened. And again, you know, I'm the type of person that this kind of thing happens to.

[B]

But it's also your love language to be chill about it.

[A]

But that's what I mean is like I in my previous marriage. And look, it's not easy to live with somebody like me. And by the way, I'm not doing this all the time. But I didn't say you do it all the time in my.

[B]

I can't remember the last time you did it.

[A]

Thank you. And in my early 20s when I was married the first time, I was doing it all the time because I was in my early 20s and I'm already have like a proclivity towards this kind of life. So that made my first husband insane. Like, he's the. He's like a Taurus. He's the type of person who like his love language is having your shit together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm sure there are people who are listening now who I love and are would are lovely people who would also stand by my ex husband's side of things. I totally see that side of things. Things. I just can't be married to somebody like that because then I constantly feel like I'm in trouble because I'm always up.

[B]

That's what was great when I was shooting the heart scene and realized, this is your life, this is good. It's good to feel challenged, enjoy it when you lost your wallet. And again, that's. I know that's a small thing, but it was nice that it was real time. I went, this is an opportunity to love Valerie. That isn't. You know, you can always tell when I'm faking my feelings. I could easily go into a real place of like, this isn't a big deal. Let's get in the car and I think I even said, it's an adventure.

[A]

It's an adventure. You were so sweet about it. And it really. And I, like, apologize too much about it, like, because I'm still a little bit shook from.

[B]

Yeah. Shell shocked.

[A]

Yeah. And I was just like, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. You know, and you, every time, you were just like, this is no problem. This is fun. Let's get this car. It's no big deal.

[B]

And we will remember it. And it was like when we got flat tire coming home from the airport.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we resist these things. And then at the end of the day, those are. That. Turns out that was your life.

[A]

That was your life. Yeah.

[B]

Turns out that was it.

[A]

While you're waiting for someone to come change your tire.

[B]

So in summation, real quick, what?

[A]

Also just to put a button on the ice cream thing, when I went in to find my wallet, I saw that they had floats.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And they were making, like, the most delicious looking, like, pink drink out of, like, a potion bottle. Pouring that over the perfect vanilla ice cream. And I was just like, man, I up.

[B]

Look for a normal. It's called normal ice cream. That is not a paid promotion. No, that's just. What else are we loving? Oh, the studio.

[A]

Obviously we're loving the studio.

[B]

I think that might be it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. In some. Ish. That's all we're loving.

[A]

That's all we love is the studio and normal ice cream.

[B]

I was excited that I could bring this up because this is the kind of thing that I can only tell you on the podcast because it's so boring. Jk. But it's so weird to bring it up. The final part of the Malcolm Gladwell Laundry episode. Turns out that he does all this research and it's a delightful episode. I recommend you listen to it. But here's the punchline. And if you don't want the punchline, you can turn this up off here. But because this is a spoiler, I guess. But it's just good. Everyone needs to know this. Turns out that the reason why, like, it's something like 80%. This will be me remembering it, but it's like 80% of what makes laundry so, like, environmentally terrible or difficult or, you know, challenging is washing with warm or hot water. Like, it's the. It's the cost, it's the carbon, whatever of heating all, like, so much water. And also the detergent you use is super important. And he makes this really unexpected because you would think that Malcolm Gladwell is, like, a real like, natural this and that. Turns out, like, natural detergents often, like, sud more and that ends up using more water because washing with washing machine shut off when there's no more suds. So they're, like, trying to, like, get this earth based. I don't mean to scoff at that. They're trying. But the ones. And he was like, cold water is, you know, so much better. So if it's 80 is hot, I don't know how much better it is. He's like, if you use cold water, which I do. The reason I do is because you don't have to separate. But it turns out that's a huge life hack for environmental purposes. And then he's like. And then Tide makes a cold formula that washes just as well in cold. So he was, like, all in on these, like, kind of big chemical companies. And he was like, they're geniuses. They, like, go in and figure out, like, what breaks down mustard in cold water. And if everyone used cold water, we would have a huge step forward in the environment.

[A]

Wow. Oh, love it.

[B]

And also, from a lazy perspective, it's just easier to use cold.

[A]

So you're going to start doing your own laundry. Thank you. All right. Keep it crispy.

[B]

I did buy cold formula Tide for.

[A]

You yet to use on laundry.

[B]

What's weird is when I was shooting the movie, I was in my little apartment in Salt Lake, and I did do my own laundry.

[A]

Can't wait. Love to hear that. So you just got to keep this momentum up. Okay, I'm just.

[B]

I'm gonna have my own bowl and my own spoon, and then I want my own washer and dryer that I do my laundry in.

[A]

No, your laundry is 90% of the laundry. So you can. You can do that. You can just have your own laundry days where you're washing only your clothes, and I'll wash mine and Leela's.

[B]

And as a concession, it lives in the dry. When I'm done, that's the hamper. That's where the clothes are. Like Brett Goldstein's great bit on his new special that is checking out second.

[A]

Best night of your life.

[B]

Second best night of your life. When I heard that bit or you told me the bit, I was like, thank you. That's how I feel. It's already in a place. Why would I move it to a second?

[A]

It did make me feel like if you're married to one comedian, you're married to all comedians.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because that's the most you thing I've ever heard.

[B]

It is the most me thing I've ever heard, too, so it turns out. Oh, and Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson is not here in Toronto, but Jay McCarroll, who's the other half of Nirvana van the show, is here in Toronto with us, and we can't wait to meet him.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And thanks to all the weirdos that are coming out tonight. I guess that's it.

[A]

All right, babies, keep it crisp.