We Made It Weird #220

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – Episode #220

Title: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest: Valerie
Release Date: June 13, 2025

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Overview

In episode #220 of You Made It Weird, Pete Holmes engages in a candid and introspective conversation with his guest, Valerie. The episode oscillates between light-hearted banter and deep, meaningful discussions about personal growth, family dynamics, and the therapeutic breakthroughs that shape their lives. Throughout the episode, Pete and Valerie interweave humor with heartfelt insights, offering listeners a rich and relatable exploration of everyday struggles and triumphs.

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Summer, Fitness, and Mood Enhancement

The episode kicks off with Pete and Valerie reflecting on the impact of summer and physical activity on their moods. They discuss how increased sunlight and regular exercise have a positive effect on their mental well-being.

Pete Holmes [07:12]: "We're rediscovering for the 15th time that moving in fitness makes a difference in how we feel."

Valerie [09:32]: "It's a reminder that exercising every day, even incrementally, can significantly improve how we experience our daily lives."

Pete shares his newfound passion for swimming, highlighting its meditative qualities and the sense of tranquility it brings. He emphasizes how swimming allows for quiet reflection, free from the distractions often encountered during other forms of exercise.

Pete Holmes [40:42]: "Swimming is so great. All you hear is the water and your breathing, and you start processing things on a deeper level."

Valerie echoes Pete's sentiments, discussing her own journey towards balancing social indulgences with mindful living. She acknowledges the challenges of maintaining consistency in healthy habits but finds value in recognizing seasonal patterns that influence her behavior.

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Pop Culture References and Light-Hearted Banter

Interspersed with their serious discussions, Pete and Valerie delve into playful conversations about pop culture, showcasing their comedic chemistry. They reminisce about classic shows and movies, using them as metaphors to illustrate broader life concepts.

Valerie [10:21]: "She doesn't think of things in seasons. She's a teacher of a dance class."

Pete Holmes [14:33]: "Harmonica is the fancy sister of the kazoo."

Their discussion on Bob Dylan's harmonica playing style serves as a humorous segue into broader themes about personal expression and authenticity.

Valerie [14:33]: "Bob Dylan is considered a talented harmonica player by many musicians and harmonica players."

Pete Holmes [15:06]: "It sounds like the harmonica was buttered. If it sounds sloppy, you're doing it right."

The duo's playful exchange not only entertains but also subtly underscores the importance of embracing one's unique style and imperfections.

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Navigating Family Dynamics and Personal Obligations

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to exploring the complexities of family relationships and the societal expectations that influence them. Pete delves into his feelings of obligation towards his parents and the internal conflict between maintaining familial harmony and pursuing personal authenticity.

Pete Holmes [51:35]: "I asked my dad, why do you go to church? And he said, to be normal."

This revelation sparks a deeper conversation about the performative aspects of family obligations and the emotional toll they can take. Both Pete and Valerie reflect on the pressure to appear "normal" and the impact it has on their genuine connections with their parents.

Valerie [52:30]: "If you don't call that correctly, you ain't reading very good."

Their discussion highlights the struggle between societal expectations and personal well-being, emphasizing the importance of honesty and vulnerability in relationships.

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Therapeutic Breakthroughs and Personal Growth

Towards the latter part of the episode, Pete shares a profound breakthrough from his therapy sessions. He discusses the concept of "found family" and the realization that meaningful relationships can extend beyond biological ties. This insight leads to a transformative understanding of his own needs and the importance of surrounding himself with supportive, nurturing individuals.

Pete Holmes [55:10]: "I've always been so blown away by that, but I'm also kind of guilty of thinking that that's like a bandage. Like, it's not. It's not real. It's not the same."

Valerie [60:22]: "Science has shown that we can reparent each other, that our brains stay malleable our whole lives."

They explore the neurological basis for forming new, supportive connections and the healing potential of embracing chosen family. This segment underscores the therapeutic benefits of recognizing and fulfilling personal needs through diverse relationships.

Further, Pete reflects on his internal dialogues with different "parts" of himself—protectors and nurturers—that influence his interactions and personal growth. He illustrates this with a metaphor comparing these internal parts to structural elements that need maintenance and appropriate roles.

Pete Holmes [57:39]: "It's like a new computer trying to run software it barely runs."

This introspective analysis reveals Pete's ongoing journey towards self-understanding and the delicate balance between honoring familial obligations and fostering genuine, fulfilling relationships.

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Conclusion

Episode #220 of You Made It Weird offers a compelling blend of humor, introspection, and heartfelt discussion. Pete Holmes and Valerie navigate the intricacies of personal growth, family dynamics, and the pursuit of authentic living with both levity and depth. Through their candid exchanges, listeners gain valuable insights into balancing societal expectations with individual well-being, the importance of supportive relationships, and the continuous journey of self-discovery.

Pete Holmes [59:44]: "We pretend that our blood sampling software works. We just need you on the tour to leave the room while the magic blood sampling machine does its thing. We're faking it because it's about what it looks like."

Valerie [66:22]: "You make new connections, and it's like the less romantic, more scientific, proof. But that is true."

Their authentic conversation not only entertains but also resonates deeply, making this episode a meaningful addition to the series for both long-time listeners and newcomers alike.

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Notable Quotes

• Pete Holmes [07:12]: "We're rediscovering for the 15th time that moving in fitness makes a difference in how we feel."
• Valerie [14:33]: "Bob Dylan is considered a talented harmonica player by many musicians and harmonica players."
• Pete Holmes [51:35]: "I asked my dad, why do you go to church? And he said, to be normal."
• Pete Holmes [57:39]: "It's like a new computer trying to run software it barely runs."
• Valerie [66:22]: "You make new connections, and it's like the less romantic, more scientific, proof. But that is true."

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Final Thoughts

Pete Holmes' episode with Valerie is a testament to the power of vulnerability and honest conversation. By blending humor with profound self-examination, they create a space where listeners can reflect on their own lives, relationships, and personal growth journeys. This episode stands out as a beacon of authenticity, encouraging everyone to embrace their "weirdness" and seek meaningful connections that nourish the soul.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. You made it with.

[Valerie]

You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. You made it with weird. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. Hey, everybody.

[Valerie]

I mean, what's happening, weirdos? You trying to take my job?

[Pete Holmes]

Do it again.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it. You can leave all that in, though. That's funny. I am so glad you're here. This is. We made it weird for the ages.

[Valerie]

It sure is. It was freaky. It was dicky. It was kind of weird.

[Pete Holmes]

I always want to say, like, it wasn't freaky. No. The second half was like a real deep, meaningful, therapeutic breakthrough. It was very emotional and lovely. The first half is a. Is a bit dumb.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's a bit dump. But we both. Secrets are there. Yeah. It was like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, silly.

[Valerie]

It was a mishmash.

[Pete Holmes]

I will say for me, the part that I would listen to again is the first half because I would love the laughing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The second half, though, if you're like slogging through the first half going, what is this? You could just Skip to the 28 minute, 29 minute mark and just listen to the second half if you're more in the mood for the thoughtful, profound. Because this is a true. We made it weird. Bits, bits, bits. Lots of bits. Then some. Like, as it's happening, I'm like, is this the same podcast? I mean, we were just talking about, you know, and then it. It got into the heart space and I'm so glad it did because I feel fantastic.

[Valerie]

Well, you did great.

[Pete Holmes]

You did great.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks for being here.

[Valerie]

Thank you for being here and thank you all for being here.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're hearing this the week it comes out. I am at the Irvine Improv tonight, and Irvine Improv is such a big room. It's so hard to sell.

[Valerie]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. That's why I'm always a little stressed about Irvine Improv. I'm clicking the link to see if it's sold out.

[Valerie]

Get your friends in that building.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, wait, wait. What did that say? I think one of the shows is sold out. Yes, Saturday 7 is sold out, but that's it.

[Valerie]

Okay, go, go. Any other time? You can go Thursday, you can go.

[Pete Holmes]

Thursday, 7:30, and then Saturday you can go at 9:30. Go to PeteHomes.com for tickets to that. And then also just all the. All the shows. All the shows. I'm not even going to list them. Just go to PeteHomes.com I'm going all over the place. Houston, Michigan, DC, Boston, New Hampshire. I guess I Am saying them. Cleveland. I'm skipping some of them. Chicago was just announced. Atlantic City.

[Valerie]

Atlantic City.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's going to be right around New York. I don't know why we can't announce New York. It'll be like the night before that.

[Valerie]

It's like a sneaky one. But New York is there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

In November.

[Pete Holmes]

And Pittsburgh. Well, we should just stay out there. We all got to go now. We're just planning. Go to petehomes.com oh, I had chat gbt make an image from my therapy. Isn't that cute?

[Valerie]

Oh, that's cute.

[Pete Holmes]

So glad you guys are here. The show is brought to us by sponsors that we actually use and actually love. This week is absolutely no exception. So try these things we like. These things we do. They're real things.

[Valerie]

We use them.

[Pete Holmes]

We use them and we like them. And if you try them and use the promo code, it helps. So it literally supports the show. It pays, Katie. It keeps us going. So try them. Use our promo code. Here they are. Roll the beautiful bean footage. Try one of our sponsors because our sponsors are actually things that I use and truly love. It goes like this. I find something I love. I reach out to them. And one of those things that I love and of course that I'm wearing right now is the perfect gene. Father's Day is coming it up. Coming up. And if you're like me, you struggle knowing what to get for your dad. Well, as a dad, I'll tell you Perfect jean is the perfect pair of pants. It's a little bit of stretch, but they're designer looking, perfect feeling they feel like pajamas. You might even forget that you're wearing pants. But but they also have some incredible basics. It's not just jeans. They have buttery soft organic cotton teens teens tees that make your arms and your chest pop while slightly hiding that belly. So you can save the gym for tomorrow. That's nice. That's a good dad gift right now. Each tee pairs effortlessly with the comfort shorts for the perfect casual warm weather style. And for special occasions when you need to dress up, they have den khakis, which is like a denim khaki, which I love. And polos that are in office approved but give you that PJ's at noon work from home comfort. I love these pants. I love these tees. I love everything the perfect Jean does. It's the perfect word for them because they are perfect. So it is time to finally stop crushing your balls and uncomfortable jeans by going to the perfect Jean NYC, our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping, free returns and free exchanges. When you use code no Hard Pants 15 at checkout. That's 15 off for new customers at the Perfect Gene NYC with promo code no Hard Pants 15. After you purchase, tell them that we sent you that this podcast sent you that helps us out support our show. Support your pants. Get the Perfect Gene. Fuck your khakis. Get the Perfect Gene. We're also brought to us by our friends at dad Grass. Val and I are on our way to a dinner party. I don't drink alcohol anymore but but I do enjoy hemp and dad Grass makes something called Leisure drink which I am obsessed with it she it ships legally to all 50 states if you're over 21. These are delicious sparkling cans of Yuzu flavored goodness that finally offer a casual, light hearted way to have fun and relax your body and your mind with your friends. I've been putting them out at parties. I've been sipping them at family movie nights which made the Parent Trap a lot more fun. It's not going out into outer space, it's just taking that edge off. Not a trust fall into a black hole of obliviousness where you can't follow the plot of even a simple movie. 3 milligrams of THC and 6 milligrams of CD CBD and 2200 milligrams of Lion's Mane per can. That's mild dose and sessionable for a mellow experience. Happy and relaxed without the hangover. And it's of course stackable for a bigger buzz. Fast acting meaning you know how you're going to feel within 10 minutes. Leisure drinks and all of Dad's gr. Dad Grass's products are amazing. They have joints, they have gummies, perfectly dosed. Not too crazy for dads. For dads. Not just dads, but it's got that flavor, it's got that style. Like something that's not too intense but is going to help you enjoy yourself. Go to dad grass.com weird and use promo code weird for 20% off. Try the Ler Leisure drinks. It's going to up your summer game, I promise you. Dad grass.com weird use promo code weird at checkout. All right everybody, thanks so much for being here.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome everybody to We Made It Weird. It's it's one of the episodes that starts like this where I'm sort of doing a morning DJ character where I sort of summarize in a playful manner how a typical episode of We Made It Weird goes. It's the summertime behold as Valerie and I rediscover for the 15th time that moving in fitness makes a difference in how we feel. Also listen intently as Pete and Val note that the beautiful weather has been improving their mood.

[Valerie]

That is really what I have to offer today is like. Like a dummy. State Farm is there.

[Pete Holmes]

I was gonna say state Farm is there. It's a musical episode.

[Valerie]

Oh, now. Okay, you keep going. Listen.

[Pete Holmes]

State Farm is there. Oh, yeah, it kind of sounded like it. This is one of those.

[Valerie]

Wait, no, it's. No, that's too low. Well, I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a good day. State Farm is there. Yes.

[Valerie]

Listener. Are you picturing a recorder right now? Because that. That sounds exactly like a recorder. But I got news for you. It's not. It's like a wooden.

[Pete Holmes]

It looks like a beetle.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's like the shape of a beetle.

[Pete Holmes]

Birth control.

[Valerie]

It does.

[Pete Holmes]

Does.

[Valerie]

It looks exactly like a birth control case.

[Pete Holmes]

Find a partner that knows what you mean when you say this looks like birth control. Cuz it doesn't.

[Valerie]

Cuz then that's a sign that they've taken birth control.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a sign that you can have safe sexual.

[Valerie]

Safe sexuals. But that is what I'm offering today. Is that for the millionth time, probably right on track. I am realizing. And I mean like today.

[Pete Holmes]

Today.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Mark the day.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

That I just need to like, be taking better care of my mind. Body.

[Pete Holmes]

No spirit. But here's what I want to say. The comfort. And we don't even need to unpack it that much of. We made it weird for you and I. Yeah. And I'm hoping for the. The listeners.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is like a calendar.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You go like, exactly. Like if we were geniuses.

[Valerie]

Huh.

[Pete Holmes]

We might invoke it. Like lean into the fact that it's cyclical. Cyclical.

[Valerie]

Cyclical.

[Pete Holmes]

Cyclical. Cyclical.

[Valerie]

Cyclical. That's terrifying.

[Pete Holmes]

Death is cyclical. Cyclical. Anyway, what I'm saying is we could be like, okay, guys, we're all in this together.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's June 11th.

[Pete Holmes]

It's that time of year to go. Like, hey, the sun's out. More sun's up on that and it's time to move our bodies. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like a lot of people.

[Valerie]

Yeah. They're on the same rhythm. Unless they live in Australia. Oh, then you are wintering, aren't you? Actually, somebody from Australia who I know just told me that they never think of things in seasons. And she was like, I don't. I think that's an Australian thing. No, it's a teacher of a dance class that I've been taking. And she was like, so when people say in the fall, she's like, I really have to think about it. I don't think of things in the season. She's like, you guys are obsessed with seasons here.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I know. I'm gonna ask you to give me three feet, my man. Give me three feet. Give me three feet, my man.

[Valerie]

What is this? Like, just give me some space.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's what the more.

[Valerie]

Back up. Mind your business. That's all.

[Pete Holmes]

Just mind your business. It is. What is that from again?

[Valerie]

That's from Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[Pete Holmes]

When he's trying to teach. Ashley had a. And it turns out you go up on stage at the Oscars. Listen, welcome to We Made It Weird. The most recent references we'll be making are the Oscars during the pandemic. This is why you tune in. What's happening in our world? What's happening in our hearts? Well, it is what's happening in our hearts. And on Mike Yawn.

[Valerie]

And I. I did such a good job making that silence.

[Pete Holmes]

Bad job.

[Valerie]

You could hear that. You went, no, I did.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like. It was like the guy that yawns like that is the guy that scrubs his back with a sponge on a stick, wearing a bathing cap and goes, it was a Marmaduke. Yawn.

[Valerie]

Did not.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a creep.

[Valerie]

Tell me for real right now.

[Pete Holmes]

I just saw it.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You did a fabulous job.

[Valerie]

Okay. Because I started to get worried.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I share?

[Valerie]

Yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I share?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just want to disrupt the system of this podcast. I just want to slap it.

[Valerie]

Part of your system.

[Pete Holmes]

I threw it to the ground. These are the references.

[Valerie]

These are the. We had. These are old ass references.

[Pete Holmes]

Will Smith at the Oscars. A Lonely Island SNL video. Listen, what I did want to share was, I think it was really Beauteous Maximus. Oh, two things. One's more light, and then we'll move into the therapy breakthrough.

[Valerie]

Oh, it seems early for that, though.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that was amazing. That was something that if. If Napoleon Dynamite did it, it would have made the movie. You know what I mean? It was so I won't be able to do it again, but I'm gonna try. I can't. No.

[Valerie]

But I loved that in a day.

[Pete Holmes]

That was also imagine. Just imagine that sort of you have to poop feeling of a talent show in, like second grade. You have to poop and it's very quiet and someone comes up and goes, I mean, if you didn't have to poop before that. You put this on. You gotta poop now.

[Valerie]

Oh, my.

[Pete Holmes]

You think about that next time you're having a hard time pooping.

[Valerie]

You hear you laughing.

[Pete Holmes]

Do we like Bob Dylan's harmonica playing or is it just like he has a harmonic?

[Valerie]

No, I. I mean. Well, I guess it in.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he considered to be a good harmonica player or a harmonica player?

[Valerie]

I. Great question. I don't really know. It seems like you either can play the harmonica or you can't. There's no degrees of no.

[Pete Holmes]

Harmonica is the fancy sister of the kazoo.

[Valerie]

Sure. And don't you think that that is like.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, you about to defend this position.

[Valerie]

Yes. And okay, so if it's the fancy.

[Pete Holmes]

Sister of the kazoo, it went to college.

[Valerie]

The kazoo. You can either play the kazoo or you can't. There's no degrees of how well I. I see. So you made my three feet.

[Pete Holmes]

Just mind your business.

[Valerie]

Mind your business.

[Pete Holmes]

Mind your business. I'm just saying. We're saying the same here.

[Valerie]

Give me three feet. Give me three feet.

[Pete Holmes]

Chappelle said it in something. He's like, I need you to give me three feet. Give me three feet. All right, we're going to ask the robot. Is Bob Dylan considered a good harmonica player by other harmonica players?

[Valerie]

Yes. Bob Dylan is considered a talented harmonica player by many musicians and harmonica players. His distinctive style and innovative use of the harmonica have influenced countless artists across various genres.

[Pete Holmes]

More like Count Countless Crows.

[Valerie]

That's gotta be true.

[Pete Holmes]

You think so? He always just seems to be sucking on it like a.

[Valerie]

He's really giving it all he's got and it sounds the harmonica sloppy. If it sounds sloppy, you're doing it right.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I guess what you're picking up on here is my unconscious belief that harmonica playing is supposed to be a very tight.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's you. Because you want it to be more like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like note, note, note, notable note specific. And that it's played by, like, a guy who's very good at a very person type. Like Superman. Like a.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like through a straw. And he's playing. When you realize you picked the wrong guide for your ayahuasca. Somebody wants to see. These could be Tik Toks. But here you are in a podcast.

[Valerie]

That's right. A podcast is like, what, like, like, like 3, 30 TikToks all mashed together.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. How many tiktoks could you take out of our talking?

[Valerie]

Probably even more than that. I just. I just answered honestly. I didn't even Flinch.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so I'm glad because he's really, like. It seems he plays Bob Dylan plays the harmonica as if he's hungry and the harmonica was buttered.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. He.

[Pete Holmes]

You really are just letting what I think are premium riffs just be received. Like intel. Like the dmv. It's like I handed the DMV an application that I printed on a slice of baloney, and you're just like, okay, this isn't another one.

[Valerie]

I'm just gonna be like, right.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that one is functional. I wasn't going for a laugh with that one.

[Valerie]

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm gonna start to laugh at your metaphors.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, please don't.

[Valerie]

I vowed to. I vowed to in our wedding vows, I would always laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that true?

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

As if you could hold you. Can we just say that, like, when you're getting divorced and you're like, you promised. It's like, really funny.

[Valerie]

But you promised specifically you wouldn't do this.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. You blew out the mic. And I loved it.

[Valerie]

Sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

That, like, you're a grown man with a lawyer.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And a briefcase in a floor to ceiling windowed skyscraper. Law scene. And the case is. But you promised.

[Valerie]

But you promised.

[Pete Holmes]

And.

[Valerie]

And because you broke a promise, we're all here. Half your money.

[Pete Holmes]

Dan, that is comedy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm not even, like, I'm not even here to take down the system. I'm just saying it's very funny that we're like, promise to be together.

[Valerie]

Promise forever. No one else.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're all watching. Just say it.

[Valerie]

You guys.

[Pete Holmes]

You're. We're all so full of beans.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then on that day, we're like, what you said. Murdered.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

You said it. In a Hopa.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

We all learned that from Meet the. Meet the Parents.

[Valerie]

I didn't remember that for Meet the Parents.

[Pete Holmes]

Owen Wilson is like what you guys call a Hopa. It wasn't a good Owen.

[Valerie]

He wasn't doing a good Owen.

[Pete Holmes]

He. I actually did it perfectly. He wasn't dialed in that day. I just feel. I. I. No, it's not there. I can tell.

[Valerie]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm in a new show called he's in a golf Show. I'm in a golf.

[Valerie]

I'm in a golf show. That's right. I'm hanging in there.

[Pete Holmes]

Luke. Luke, it's Owen. Yeah. Isn't it weird that you're more classically handsome, but I'm lapping you.

[Valerie]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry. And you know Luke will listens he does. Luke Wilson. Both.

[Valerie]

Both will.

[Pete Holmes]

They love it. Both will listen, but I don't think he's lapping. I mean, I just do think it's like, who's famouser?

[Valerie]

Well, I think there was a time when Owen was more famous, but I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

Shanghai Noon. Was that the time he was more famous?

[Valerie]

Yes. Are you teasing me? Because I used to like that movie.

[Pete Holmes]

No, but I need more from you, Valerie. Was the time Owen Wilson more famous than Luke? Wil said. Was that time Shanghai Noon?

[Valerie]

I think so, but don't you see.

[Pete Holmes]

How funny that is?

[Valerie]

Oh, because it is the time. Okay. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. What time was that? This is. Luke. What time were you more famous than me? I'm in Royal Tenenbaums. I'll tell you what time. Shanghai Noon. He kind of wins. Yeah, Shanghai Noon was big, but Tenenbaums. But then. But then Owen is like. But I'm in those, too. He's in that.

[Valerie]

Oh, right.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in Tenements and he's not his brother. These two guys that look exactly the same and talk. Yeah.

[Valerie]

The same as each other and not like anyone else.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, exactly. But in a way that is distinctly Californian.

[Valerie]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Philadelphian.

[Valerie]

Yeah. No, it's not the South. Yeah. Is like.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's Canadian.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why am I Robert Downey Jr. Right now? Don't I sound like Robert? I did for a second. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Jarvis, are you going to make an Iron man suit?

[Valerie]

Jarvis? Sounded like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, Jarvis, Jarvis, we figured it out. That Robert Downey Jr. Is a guy trying to do a Canadian accent.

[Valerie]

Canadian.

[Pete Holmes]

Canadian accent. But he's from America. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Valerie]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I really feels right.

[Valerie]

I want to follow you to the ends of the earth.

[Pete Holmes]

This feels like I'm stoned because I'm like. I feel so strong.

[Valerie]

I mean, maybe this is. Okay, okay, let me close my eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me talk to Captain America right now. Okay, Cap, you need. You're gonna need some.

[Valerie]

His voices.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so Dr. Strange. Dr. Strange comes in wearing an oriental rug.

[Valerie]

This is not now.

[Pete Holmes]

It's turning Robert down. No, it's not turning into Dr. Evil kind of. It's a mess. It's a mess. We need to do spring cleaning in this area. This riff is a mess.

[Valerie]

It's a hot mess.

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually kind of cold. Can we get the heat? Why is it so hot? In the attic because heat rises.

[Valerie]

What the hell just happened?

[Pete Holmes]

No, that was like a real. I'm like, dying. I think I might be dying. That was a like, I think I might be like.

[Valerie]

I needed to take you to get an MRI because it was like you embodied a completely different person for a minute. You folded your arms. Why is it so hot in the attic?

[Pete Holmes]

I guess it was like a Jim Robinson kind of like. Well, I guess we're saying guacamole from the store. Is it. Why is it so. So I'm. The attic. I guess it's kissy wise was pure insanity. Here's what I've been trying. Trying Jarvis. Trying to say. Yeah, I feel like it's there.

[Valerie]

It's not, but I love you. It kind of sounds. You know what? I'll give you this. It kind of sounds like a Canadian accent.

[Pete Holmes]

What is. Shoot for the moon of a Robert Downey Jr. Impression. And if you miss, you'll land in the Canadian star. Go for Downey. Settle for Canadian for.

[Valerie]

Settle for Jim Downey.

[Pete Holmes]

You know there's a Canadian named Jim Downey.

[Valerie]

Well, there is a guy named Freaking out right now. Jim Downey. That is, I think, like a right. Was a writer for snl. I'm just hoping.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, Jim Downey. Yeah, that's. That sounds right. I am. I've said this a million on the pod since I've turned 46. The airlock opened, all the papers flew out. I'm confused and I can't hear. A lot of the time, I'm just like. I feel like I really up leveled. That's the nice way of saying it. My old man game. I'm very.

[Valerie]

What a positive way.

[Pete Holmes]

Positive man.

[Valerie]

I'm not remembering anything. My body is getting older. I really up leveled my aging.

[Pete Holmes]

I like that. I like that. Muchos golly. Muchos muchos golly.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what I want to say. I watched Owning Mahoney. It's Phil Hoffman. Was that good? I just. I. I'm doing a movie. It's called that. Called wasn't right. But Owning. Owning.

[Valerie]

Owning Mahoney.

[Pete Holmes]

But he does a Canadian accent in it. And he's like, I need to take out a boot. $40.

[Valerie]

Exactly how he talks.

[Pete Holmes]

He just says. He goes, I'm Phil Hoffman and sorry. It is.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

But then you notice that it's a fun accent and there's more to it. I like the movie Oneie Mahoney. I liked it.

[Valerie]

You know what? I liked Oney Mahoney. I didn't think it was a bunch of baloney.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what I've been wanting to say. Wow, that made me laugh. And we both turned into Jimny Glick. Just briefly. So you were in owning Mahoney. Are you sure you don't want to rent him?

[Valerie]

Do you like to own a whole Mahoney?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, when you own a Mahoney.

[Valerie]

That was good. That was really good.

[Pete Holmes]

You start very high, and then you get really low.

[Valerie]

That's really good. That's the best impression. You've done this this entire time?

[Pete Holmes]

What about. What about Robert Downer?

[Valerie]

Nope. Never again.

[Pete Holmes]

Canadian poutine. Jarvis. Jarvis. Jarvis. Here's what I've been trying to say. Everybody relax.

[Valerie]

Everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody relax.

[Valerie]

Take a breath. Let's reset.

[Pete Holmes]

You're driving. You're driving to Fargo, and you need to be alert.

[Valerie]

Oh, Fargo.

[Pete Holmes]

Help us. Fargo.

[Valerie]

Why did you have to pick a place with a fun accent if we're trying to move on?

[Pete Holmes]

You remember when you had a puppet and you were doing larabites, and you didn't even know you were doing larabes? And you're. Oh, I would like to know that.

[Valerie]

And I was in the middle of a Barnes and Noble. Yeah, because Leela wanted me to do that puppet, and I did.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't it funny that it used to be liberry if you say library. No, no, no. Here, hear me out. Jarvis, if you said liberry, we knew you were a dingus.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now if you say Barnes and Nobles, we know you're a dingus.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Both housed books.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The place where books are.

[Valerie]

If you don't call that correctly, we know you're not reading enough.

[Pete Holmes]

We need you to call the place with the books. Correct.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know. We need you to say a nonsense sentence.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I would say.

[Valerie]

If you don't call that correctly, you ain't reading very good.

[Pete Holmes]

If I was putting Superman in the escape pod. Okay. Jarvis. In the. In the pot on Krypton. It's blowing up all around us.

[Valerie]

God, I blacked out. What's happening?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm putting my son Kalel, who you know as Superman, into.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. I'm just. You're trying.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. Your vagina is getting so dry.

[Valerie]

I hate that.

[Pete Holmes]

Kale. If you want to make a woman bone dry, say Superman's name was Kale. Okay. Cal. Kl.

[Valerie]

Ka. El.

[Pete Holmes]

Kael.

[Valerie]

I hate that Kael.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to Kahl.

[Valerie]

I really. I really don't want to know that.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. And what I probably pushed out was, like, the pin. You know when something has A PIN that you didn't know had a pin? Yeah, like your cell phone has a pin. Or like our library card had a pin.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I was trying to pay an online library fee and it was like, okay, just give us your pin.

[Valerie]

A Personal identification Number. Got it.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you. Yeah, exactly. What? Not a vin, not a Vehicle identification Number. But VIN is the kazoo to pins.

[Valerie]

Harmonica. Oh, no, edit that out.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what I've been trying to say. Then we will get to the therapy breakthrough. I did this movie. I'm not done with it, but it was last week, two weeks ago, and I had to sing a song. And when I say it's this big scene and I'm like, oh, I get to sing in a movie. Great. And when I say that the song that I had to sing was the most atonal nonsense song. Like, I was so excited. And there were two. It's like, spoiler. It's called Beulah Land. So there is a version. If you look for the song Beulah Land on, like, tick tock, you'll hear people being like, oh, be land. And it's fun. You're like, you can kind of do it. Like Bill Murray. Like, oh, Bueller, you know, like fun. That was a great Bill Murray.

[Valerie]

That was really good.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Jarvis.

[Valerie]

No, get out of here.

[Pete Holmes]

Roberts, Downey Jr. Jarvis, I need playback on that great Bill Murray. Murray. Murray. No, I can see Robert Downey Jr. Sending back a sandwich, can't you? Absolutely. It's not. It's toasted.

[Valerie]

It's to.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's toasted.

[Valerie]

I know what you mean. There is a totally. There is an O. But it's so subtle. It's so much subtler than that. Toasted. It's actually toasted.

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually toasted. Jarvis. Jarvis. Jarvis.

[Valerie]

Jarvis. It's actually twisted, and I'm. I'm actually.

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually twisted. Okay, now you're spiking the mic. This whole episode.

[Valerie]

Sorry. You pulled me in.

[Pete Holmes]

Dracula Dead and loving it. So I had to sing the song. So keep in mind, there was oh Bu. Which I was so excited. So when they're shooting the other direction so I'm not on camera. I sang it like that and I was having so much fun. And then we took lunch, and at lunch, the director's like, we can't afford that version of Beulah Land, which is the only version of Beulah Land.

[Valerie]

That's why it's so expensive, because it's got a melody.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Well, thank you for bringing this Up. I wanted to yell. As someone who grew up in the church, I've never heard of Beulah Land. This is a Christian song.

[Valerie]

It's supposed to be a Christian song.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean.

[Valerie]

It's like, oh, I don't know what a Beulah is.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody does. It sounds. It. It sounds like, you know when you go to Canada and there's stores. I know you do. There's stores called, like, Big three or something. And it looks like Walmart.

[Valerie]

It seems like a Sims.

[Pete Holmes]

You're in a video game.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you're in a video game.

[Pete Holmes]

It's exactly like. Well, this is your observation. It's like you're in Grand Theft Auto, right? Because there'll be a burger place called, like, Bager. And you're like, that's fake Bager. There's a. Probably a mission in the Bager where I go in And Robert Downey Jr. Is okay, but Baker.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, help me make this point. Christian. Oh, it sounds like a Mormon praise song.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Because Mormon music sounds very much like evangelical Christian music. But they'll say something like slightly Bueller Land. And you'll like, what's that?

[Valerie]

When Jesus Christ came to America, he was the best person we ever seen.

[Pete Holmes]

And draped in an American flag and picking maize, which is what they called corn. He said, come with me to heaven, but it's a different kind of heaven because it's in outer space.

[Valerie]

And so are we.

[Pete Holmes]

And so are we. If you think about it, like, wow, Deep.

[Valerie]

That's kind of true.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say that is the Kalel of.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's another vaginal dryness.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a dehumidifier. Yeah, it's a vaginal dehumidifier. A vagina. I feel like if Tim Dylan said that, it would go viral. I loved him. I think he's very funny. I don't know all his stances. I'm not vouching for the whole thing. I'm just saying.

[Valerie]

Never heard of him.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen some very, very funny clips where he cracks me up and I feel like vaginal. Vaginal dehumidifier in his sunglasses. People would love it.

[Valerie]

Cool.

[Pete Holmes]

But here it'll just be a little footnote.

[Valerie]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Barely enjoyed. And I'm okay with it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I think that's. It's. I think that's a rightful place, actually. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in a studio. He's got effort. We're just blowing it out our butts, aren't we?

[Valerie]

Sure are.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so Anyway, I had to sing Beulah Land.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I tell you it's the worst song I've ever heard, they couldn't find any online recordings of it that weren't in the middle of a sermon. So he's like, here's the clip. I found a clip. There's like 10 minutes of a guy preaching. It's unskippable because it's a Facebook video. I can't skip.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he sick. I can't even remember. It's like, beulah Land. Sweet Beulah Land. Which sounds exactly like, oh, Christmas Tree.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which threw me the fuck off. And then it goes. And on the highest mount I stand I look out across the deep blue sea where mansions are prepared for me.

[Valerie]

Was it 2o Christmas tree?

[Pete Holmes]

Val, when I tell you. And this will be a fun little Easter egg for anybody, for all the people that see the wonderful movie. I do think this movie is great. It's called Patel. It's coming out. Who knows? They just shot it. They're shooting it now. But I love it. When you see this scene, if it's not cut out where I'm singing, you'll go, pete really blended this with O Christmas Tree.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

But when I say my excitement, the blue balls that I experience of being like, oh. I get to do funny singing. I want to belt and be like, oh, Beulah Land. Became like. And on the highest mount I stand maybe it'll come together great.

[Valerie]

But that does sound funny.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know what it's like to be in the desert wearing a suit with a camera two inches from your face, singing a song you have little to no confidence in. And that's my show business anecdote for this episode.

[Valerie]

That's a good one. That's tricky.

[Pete Holmes]

It was tricky. And then I couldn't remember all the words. So at some points, they'd go like, the land of corn and wine. Someone would yell out. And I'd be like, I've seen the land of corn and wine. And they're like, where riches are forever mine or something like that. And I'm like, what is this song?

[Valerie]

What is this song? And did it have to stand specifically be that song? Or could it have been any sort of hymn?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, they had to clear it. And I was like, please let me sing the other version.

[Valerie]

Got it.

[Pete Holmes]

We can't clear that. And I was like, I'm pretty sure that's, like, $30. Can I give you my entire fee for this movie? And we can let me sing this movie, this better song.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Robert Downey Jr. Impression When we come back, we're going to hold my Robert Downey Jr. Impression up against Jamie Foxx's after these messages. We'll be right back. Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Tushy Tushy Bidets. You got to up your bathroom game and tushy bidets is the perfect way to do it. Have you ever been emotionally scarred riding the subway? I have and seen a literal butt sweat print left on the seat. Well, it's time to rethink how we're caring for our swampiest body parts. Get your ass a tushy bidet. Tushy is the everyday luxury bidet that is not a paradox. That's not an oxymoron. It's every day, meaning you need one. And it's luxury that you can get instantly onto your toilet that transforms your bathroom habit and your bottom health for life. There is a bidet for every biohacking personality type like the Cloud plus which automatically deodorizes the air when you sit down and aura which automatically opens the seat when you enter the bathroom. You didn't know you wanted that, but you do. I also love the light inside Tushy's bidet. The elevated bidet collection nurtures your bottom with instant warm water that never runs cold, a soothing heating heated seat and UV sterilization for next level hygiene. And all Tushy bidets easily attached to your existing toilet without the need for additional plumbing. So keep your swampiest body parts fresh and cool for a limited time. Our listeners get 10% off their first bidet order when you use our code Weird at checkout. That's 10% off your first bidet at hello tushy.com with promo code weird. We are also brought to us by our friends at Mud Water, the warm delicious mix of cacao chai and adaptogenic mushrooms that dials me into feeling focused and refreshed with just the right amount of energy without feeling jittery or wired. I'm obsessed with Mud Water because it's not just energy, it's warm and grounded feeling that it gives you. Not jacked but earthy and solid for when 3pm rolls around and you're losing energy but don't want another cup of coffee for the jitters and the lack of sleep that comes with it. And there is no crash. It's 100 organic gluten free vegan coffee alternative that's so chock full of goodness it's no wonder it makes you feel amazing. Mushrooms and superfoods to boost your energy focus and your immune system. Cacao and chai for a hint of caffeine and a hot chocolate like flavor. If you're ready to make the switch to cleaner energy, head to mud water m wtr.com and grab the starter kit. Today. Right now, weirdos get an exclusive deal. Up to 43% off your entire order, plus free shipping and a free rechargeable frother when you use Code weird. That's right. Up to 43% off with code weird@m u d wtr.com after your purchase, be sure to tell them we sent you. Support your moon morning or your afternoon routine and support the show. Because life's too short for anything less than clean, delicious energy. We're back, everybody. And as promised. Go ahead, baby. What?

[Valerie]

You would think we would use that time to really hone and cue this up, but we're not. We're gonna do that on air.

[Pete Holmes]

Real things, which, you know, whether it's politics or whether it's whatever, a lot of times we, we sort of. We're not ready for that fight. But it's easy to sort of pick the comedian. I call Robert. I said, listen, I need you to play a Mexican. He says, dude, here's the deal. Sure, fuck it, sure. Why not? Fuck it, sure, of course, Mexican, whatever. But then he texts back, I think.

[Valerie]

That was really good.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, yeah, sure, dude, whatever. I can do it.

[Valerie]

Whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll play a Mexican.

[Valerie]

I think you need to just go like a little lower.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll play a Mexican. Yeah. Jarvis, is it lower?

[Valerie]

Dude, dude, dude, dude, sure. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like a chicken. Dude. Yeah, dude, yeah. Robert Downey, Carl's Jr. I can't. There's a way to do it, but I don't know how to do it down.

[Valerie]

Like something with like down feathers, you know, like down.

[Pete Holmes]

Robert.

[Valerie]

Rob Bach.

[Pete Holmes]

Rob bach. Bach Downey Jr. Hey, where, where's the feed? Okay. I got these talons. I guess I'm a very talent, talented talent. I'm very talented. Anyway.

[Valerie]

All right. Talk about your therapy.

[Pete Holmes]

I guess I could.

[Valerie]

Don't you want to. Don't you need to.

[Pete Holmes]

I do want to say, because it's the summer, I'm gonna do what? I said it's the summer.

[Valerie]

It's the summer.

[Pete Holmes]

And as we've discussed. But I'm going to shout it from the mountaintops.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That there is an exercise, I think, for everybody. People say there's like a soul mate.

[Valerie]

Oh, Like a type of exercise.

[Pete Holmes]

We talked about this, but this is my summary. Yes.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I know this isn't new or fresh, but I'm just saying now that I figured out that if you swim. If you swim but with a snorkel and you don't have to turn your head and hurt it every. Like, I tried swimming by turning my head, and it hurt so much. Anyway, getting up and swimming in the morning, I love it.

[Valerie]

I feel like you're really on a roll.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but I really like it. Swimming is like 30 minutes of. That's right. That's right. You caught that flex.

[Valerie]

30 minutes. 30 minutes swimming for 30 minutes. And you started when you started.

[Pete Holmes]

I would swim for, like, five.

[Valerie]

Five minutes. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then Mike, for Biglia, was like.

[Valerie]

Incrementally get to a point where you.

[Pete Holmes]

Can swim for 30 minutes.

[Valerie]

He said that.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, and you look like you're about to die and you're swimming for 30 minutes. You look like you've been shipwrecked for 30 weeks, but you're swimming for 30.

[Valerie]

I don't know why you have this thing. Like, that's one of your roast areas.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that he looks unwell. Yeah, he looks unwell.

[Valerie]

He doesn't look unwell to me.

[Pete Holmes]

It's because you're updating him. Like, I can see you like the build, the we character in your head. You made him tanner.

[Valerie]

No, you fix his posture. I think the only thing that you're basing that on is that he's pale and that we know that he eats pizza all the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he's pale, but he looks like he hasn't had a cup of water in a few days.

[Valerie]

Well, I guess there is a specific sort of New York style unwellness.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, there's a New York. Well, I just talked to Santino. Remember? We were like, New York is like hamster tubes. Like, everything's hamster tubes.

[Valerie]

You're not getting enough sunlight. You're basically being inside.

[Pete Holmes]

Go out to outside. You're going to be accosted by some guy that's wearing a timeout New York. Like, captain's hat. It's a folded timeout New York into a child's captain's house.

[Valerie]

I forgot about newspaper hats.

[Pete Holmes]

Newspaper hats.

[Valerie]

Where'd you pull them from?

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's been a weird portal this time.

[Valerie]

It has been weird.

[Pete Holmes]

The portal's been.

[Valerie]

I think. I think Mike Bravaglia is.

[Pete Holmes]

I love.

[Valerie]

Mike is looking well.

[Pete Holmes]

I think he's great. And he's the one that said 30 minutes anyway, what I didn't know about swimming that I love so much is that, like, it's really quiet. All you hear is the water, and all you hear is your breathing. And I asked the robot, I was like, why is swimming the best exercise? It went on for a really long time. And one of the reasons was because it's meditative. And I was like, this is the.

[Valerie]

Best work and exercise. And it's quiet.

[Pete Holmes]

And you'll process something, too. There's something you're grinding on. And by the end of the swim, because, like every other type of exercise I've done, I was probably watching something, right? And then it became like, you're linked to. Well, how good is the thing you're watching? And sometimes it would stink and what. You know what I mean, right?

[Valerie]

And you're. You're dissociated when you're watching, so you're not really connecting. The whole point of exercising is getting into your body. I completely agree for some.

[Pete Holmes]

And swimming is so great. And I just wanted to say that because it's been changing my life, and people have been going like, something's weird. Like, they're noticing that I look healthy, nice. And it's not necessarily weight loss. It's just kind of like, what's going on. And I'm like. And I know exactly what they mean.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So here we are. It's July. June. I thought it was July. It's June. And I just. Little reminder, it's out there.

[Valerie]

Well. And so I'm sort of having a correction moment because. And I think I go back and forth when I'm feeling really good, then I'm all of a sudden more social, and I'm a little bit more lenient in, like, what I'm eating. And in the summer, well, just when I'm feeling good. And see in seasons when I'm feeling good, so I'm like, all right, I'm going to dinner parties and I'm gonna.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

We went to our friend's house last night, and our friend was making pizza. And like, I, you know, I'm gluten free, and I ate a bunch of pizza with gluten, and I drink red wine. Like, these things that I know make me feel like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And then today was sort of. I've been doing more of that behavior lately. And this. It always hits a certain point for me. This is boring. I know it's almost boring, but it always hits a certain point for me where I go, like, okay, now I can feel that this is making me less alive. It's gone past the point of, like, whoo. I'm, like, living la vida loca to, like, now. Today was such a sweet, sentimental morning because it's Leela's last day of kindergarten. And I was like. Even I. We, like, took pictures and did all of that. And then I went to my dance class. And all through that, even throughout my dance class, I was like, I feel very numb. Like, I don't feel here.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the second half of life where you just go, like, all the things that I. Because they were neutral. Because your body was invincible.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you actually get the real data.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You realize you were just so jacked and juiced on being young.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You didn't notice.

[Valerie]

And I do think that those things as treats are great. I think nights under bistro lights where you're eating pizza and drinking red wine with friends is lovely. But, like, I had done was starting to become more of, like, an every weekend thing as opposed to just like.

[Pete Holmes]

An every once in a while look. I couldn't relate more obviously. We could call this. Food addicts made it weird.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, it's our thing. And I. One of the things that I feel like Christmas, winter. We go like, well, it's winter and it's Christmas. It's Thanksgiving and it's Christmas and it's New Year's, and it's. It's time to pack it on. It's cold. Even if you live in California, it's like. It's cold, it's gloomy. The fucking eagle flies through the sun. You're just like. It's just. You need to eat.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What I'm saying is like a breakup when you're like, well, I can't break up with them now because it's their birthday in two weeks.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's always a reason I can't do it around Valentine's Day. Like, it's like in the inverse, there's always some cultural excuse to eat. It's summer, and now it's barbecue time.

[Valerie]

And to drink, which I don't typically drink that much, but I'm finding myself just again, because I usually don't drink very much because I consider my mental health to be not fragile, but just, like, very sensitive and is affected by the things that I put in my body. But then if I go through a long season where I'm feeling really good and really sturdy, I start to be like, well, then I can drink again. Yeah. And then I hit a wall like I did today, where I'm like, no, it Matters I should be moving my body. I went and like, did the whole opposite. Like, I got green juice and a bunch of supplements. And yeah, I was like, we gotta kick this back in into gear.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And that's just the system we're working.

[Valerie]

And that's balance too. I guess. Like, you know, ideally, I guess balance would be a every single day you're balanced kind of thing. But that never has worked that way for me. And I don't know if it does work that way. I think it's more like seasonal cyclical. Cyclical.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice. Thank you, Scytheback. It's funny you mentioned an Australian and I thought you meant our friend Sam. And Sam said something to me and it took me a really long time to figure out that she was absolutely correct. And I think it is an ADD thing. I'm not saying Sam. I don't know. She might have it. I definitely have all of it. But for some reason doctors couldn't find it. Even my ADD wouldn't hold still long enough for them to be like, there it is like scattering around like a cockroach. And they're like, we don't know what's wrong with you.

[Valerie]

Well, you do have adhd, but you are, are also gifted. Love this high processing.

[Pete Holmes]

Dude, dude, dude, dude.

[Valerie]

That was better. Dude, you're not gifted at everything. But.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that's very good.

[Valerie]

But no. And it makes up for your ADHD anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I like that. It's like two. That's like a chocolate vanilla swirl.

[Valerie]

That's what it was. Your ADHD asked. Can't remember what doctor said, but I'll tell you, she. She said that the tests that you took. No, the, the brain scan revealed adhd, but the tests that you took didn't. And that's because your high processing sort of made up for it, compensated for it.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like that. Well, dude, where were we?

[Valerie]

You are talking about the exercising. Think of it as like a. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

So Sam said, thank you. Sam said, that's how gifted I am. Sam said, think of everything in 24 hour increment increments. And that really works for add people. Is instead of like, I used to think I was like, okay, I want to exercise three times a week. That breaks me because then I know I'm not exercising every day. And then I just will go like, well, today is my day off. And then the next day, like, I can't, like, there's no time. And then it just goes away. And now I'm like, I really value what she said. And she said it very offhandedly. It's like, just look at everything you want to do every day. I want to eat healthy today, or I want to feel good today, or I want to meditate today, or I want to read today, or I want to create today. I want to write today, and I want to exercise just today. Because I don't like planning. I don't want to go like, well, Friday is my. You know when my cheat day is? Whenever the friends are having the pizza at night. Last night, that's the cheat day. You know what the exercise day is today?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We had a. Not very much going on today, so it was easy to find that time. I know some people have to be more regimented and that for their brain reasons and for their schedule reasons, but I'm really just going like, the goal is to exercise every day, and the schedule will build in days off. And that is completely true. And the goal is to eat relatively healthy every day, and the schedule will build in cheat days. I don't have to go like, Thursday is my cheat day, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah, it does.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's my little breakthrough. Breakthrough from therapy. And then we'll get out of here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This was a lot.

[Valerie]

This was a lot.

[Pete Holmes]

This was ranch hose. Cucamonga, Lake, Winnipe Sauk. Like, it's like, Val and I are going to speak in our private language right now. Cucamonga.

[Valerie]

If you know lake, then you are a friend for life.

[Pete Holmes]

What about Bob?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Oh, wow. He came up again.

[Pete Holmes]

He came up again.

[Valerie]

Also, Rancho Cucamonga is a place. But I also, whenever I hear that, I think of Michael Scott, Steve Carell talking to a kid. It was like, take your daughter to work day. And it's Toby's daughter. And he. It's clearly like a real moment where he's, like, trying to make this kid laugh. And he has a train, and he's like, next up, Rancho Kumonga. And it's very cute.

[Pete Holmes]

And it works, right? The kid laughs. I hope so. Anyway, I'm trying to think of how to share this. A breakthrough. The therapy has been hard lately.

[Valerie]

Like, you're getting into the meat of.

[Pete Holmes]

It, really for real, and you start dreading it and you want to cancel it and all these things. But then, you know, you have to push through, and that's what we've been doing. And today I was just thinking about, like, so much of this stuff is like, family, obviously, like parents, and what is your obligation to your parents and that. And I realized that I have this huge feeling of, like, you have to, like, get along with your family, be a close family. Remember when we were listening to Malcolm Gladwell's podcast, and he was saying the two credentials for his assistant. One were like, you know, tenacity, and the other one was, you have to be nice to my parents?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, that's so sweet. We love that in our culture. And, of course, with good reason. We love and trust people that have close relationships with their parents. Like, in the same way. I don't know if trust is quite right, but there's that moment on Mad Men. I talked about this in therapy as well, where, you know, Don meets Betty's parents, or he's with Betty's parents, and Betty Draper's dad is, like, a little senile, and so he's just kind of saying things you shouldn't, and he's yelling at Don Draper. You have no people. I know I've mentioned this before, so I really, for the first time, considered like, oh, it's not just me. I think my parents, too, were kind of going, like, you need to be close with your parents to fit in. Remember I told you I asked my dad, why do you go to church? And he said, to be normal.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's, like, a pretty big bomb to drop. It's like, I'm trying to be normal.

[Valerie]

Right. And your mom, the same thing. She said that she. She went to church because it was like, what the.

[Pete Holmes]

What are you, a weirdo? Or like.

[Valerie]

No, it was like, it was a class thing. It was like, that's what wealthier people did.

[Pete Holmes]

Belonging and. But even that isn't what they said. They were like, it's what you do.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And all of it was, like, optics, and it was, like, really making me think, like, how much of my relationship with my parents is driven by this obligation protector that's, like, you're supposed to look like. I feel. You know, when I do stand up about my parents and it doesn't work, I come back and I'm, like, encased in shame. Like, I'm like, I risked it, and now they know I'm bad, and they're gonna outcast me. So I was uncovering, like. Because, like, if you don't vibe with your folks very much, that could be true. Why then do you feel so obligated? And I was going back, I was like, it's because you want to look healthy.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't want to be outcast. You want to seem. It's the same reason why you go to church for my folks. It's like, to Fit in. So there's that line in American Psycho where he says, why do you even go to that job? Your father owns the company. And he takes one earphone off and he goes, because I want to fit in. And I was like, why do I relate to these movies so much? My unconscious is always speaking to me in the movies. It's showing me the movies that it chose. I really feel like it chose them. And then it throws them back at me like dreams and goes, I've been screaming this at you this whole time. So the best one is There Will Be Blood. Obviously, my favorite movie in There Will Be Blood, Daniel Plainview pretends to have a son to sell more oil contracts. He lies about having a son because he wants to fit in. He wants to seem normal so he'll be accepted so he can, like, sell his services and then get the fuck away from everybody. That's obviously the heartbreaking reality of that movie. My father's. I'm not saying that's what my dad did, but I'm just saying, like, my dad's oil company was called JJ Holmes and Sons. It's like, look, I have two sons.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's this very, like, outward performative thing. Then I was like, the thing that I'm really uncovering that's so tender. And, you know, tender is the right word about my relationship with my folks, is there isn't a lot of reciprocity. There isn't. Like, we've talked about this a million back and forth, like, true relationship vulnerability, sharing, caring, remembering, containing, seeing, beholding. That's sort of lacking. But I have this protector in me that's still going. Like, you have to seem like, even if it's not true, like, look like it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then they. We had this beautiful thing where we were talking to this part of me, and I was, like, thinking about Leela and going to this pizza night last night and hanging out with friends and. And. And. And we were talking about Jay Jordan. Just did the podcast, and it'll be out in a couple weeks. And he's a gay man. And how I've always related so fiercely to the. To the arc of a lot of gay people's stories, which is finding found family. You know what I mean? It's like coming into their truth, realizing their needs and their identity, and then surrounding themselves with people that nurture and whether or not it's their birth family or not. I was like, I've always been so blown away by that, but I'm also kind of guilty of thinking that that's like a bandage. Like, it's not. It's not real. It's not the same.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I feel like I've seen you feel that way.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, yeah, great. Found family. Like, there's a clearly a part of me that's hesitant, and I think I found that part, and it was beautiful. And I started talking to it about just, like, last night and Leela running around with her friends and swimming in this little pool and all of us laughing and eating pizza together and how supported and seen and celebrated and all of this. All of this reciprocity and like. Like a revelation. I know it's not a revelation to everybody listening, because you can see my life as it is. I can't. So I have to go. Like, look, it's been comically corrected. It's been absurdly corrected. You're drowning in it. Yeah. Everywhere. Everywhere you look. And, of course, you're a huge part of this, Val. The biggest part. And Leland playing games at dinner and going for walks or whatever it is. None of it is fancy. It's all just beholding. It's tenderness. And it is this family, obviously. It's literally a family with us. And then the friends are this family. And then I said to this part that we were calling obligation, you have to go and appear. At least appear this way. You can't not visit or you can't not. Whatever. And it was so old and tired and brittle, this part. It was like a piece of sheetrock that had started to turn white and flaky. And I was like, you're so, you know, consistent and strong and noble. And I was like, protect this.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, I see. You can wrap around, like, Sheetrock and protect family and relationship and trust and joy. And, like, that's good. We should want that. But, like, don't go to the hardware store for milk. And let's just be honest about. This is a up upgrade. I even hesitate to say that because clearly I'm not fully worked out on this. Yeah, you're. But you're like, you can keep doing what you're doing, but just protect this. Protect something that's worthy of your protect. Not because it's. And it does feel intergenerational. It's like, not because that's just what you do.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's just what we do. It's just what we do. It's just what we do. It's like, it really feels like a cycle breaking, kind of like. No, I'm gonna. I'm gonna Flood you with water and clean you and get you up out of the dirt and you can actually protect something that is all of the things that it's supposed to be. Or that. Yeah. That are beautiful.

[Valerie]

That's so. That's so beautiful. I love that. And it is sort of interesting, like the obligation, you know, it's like the difference between, like. It's like, obligation isn't inherently bad. It's the difference between having an obligation that you're doing in spite of your own well being. That's right. Or an obligation towards the things that there is this reciprocity. And it's like, I have an obligation to my family and that feeds me.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't want to teach Leela how to toe the line and protect things that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Should let them. Let them be what they are.

[Valerie]

Right. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, we're always really honest with my parts. And I'm like, I just want to acknowledge their family. It's hard to say directly, but it's like, there's family that, like, don't match the credential for a relationship with us. It's like an old program.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what we are looking for. And it doesn't really happen here.

[Valerie]

It doesn't match.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't have to be mad at it. I'm just saying it doesn't. And I was like, I want you to know that I feel like a new computer trying to run software it barely runs.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then like. Like Theranos. Like that sounds completely random. We pretend.

[Valerie]

I'm thinking about that today.

[Pete Holmes]

We really.

[Valerie]

Yes. Crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

We pretend that our blood sampling software works. We just need you on the tour to leave the room while the magic blood sampling machine does its thing. And what we're actually doing is taking it into a real lab and doing actual work with full blood samples and then making it look like it came out of the machine. We're faking it because it's about what it looks like. And I was like, no, just the real. And we have it. We have it. And I even use nonviolent communication. I was like. I was feeling sad because my need for relationship wasn't being met. And that really opens it up to go. Like, you can get it from chosen family. Like, what? What? Of course you can. You think every. And we have a lot of unfortunately gay friends that weren't received very well by their families. You think they're like, lives are somehow degraded, like they're so broken.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

They could never get it from their from their partners and from their children and from their friends. It's like, that is not. I'm still working on it because it's hard for me to be like, that's not true.

[Valerie]

No, no, truly.

[Pete Holmes]

But it would have to not be true.

[Valerie]

No, it's not true. Because, like, science has shown that we can reparent each other, that our brains stay malleable our whole lives. And when it's getting something that it didn't get or doesn't get from our parents, it. It can rewire based on new information of that need being met. So it actually, like, is like neurologically true that you make new connections of, oh, I can be in a bad mood or I can be too much or I can be too little or whatever, and these people really see me. And that happens over and over and it creates new pathways. So that's like the less romantic, more scientific, you know, proof. But that is true. That's why, like, chosen family actually works.

[Pete Holmes]

Right? Right, right. And it actually hurts both ways when you think it can only come from birth family because it, because like, then I feel like I'm the only one that can give it to them. And that's how this exploration started with nonviolent parent. Nonviolent communication. Because it was like when a parent says, I'm only happy when I'm with you. It's like, well, that's. That's accusatory. It's. It's putting all of this power on me. It's like I'm feeling lonely or I'm feeling sad because my need for connection and tenderness and love and kinship and community isn't being met instead of, you're the only one. So it hurts both ways.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm trying to go like, I was like, there's so much about being in my birth family that feels like a show, and it's exhausting and it's sad and it's like, let's just update the file and protect the goodness that we have growing here. And it's still, as I'm saying this, I'm like, it's a miracle that we have it.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a miracle.

[Valerie]

It's a miracle.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a miracle.

[Valerie]

It's. It's such a. It. Yeah. And that sort of is, you know, where the, the full cycle of processing this stuff always naturally ends up. It's very beautiful where it's, you know, it's sort of going into the cave. You don't want to go into detangling, pulling out the roots Seeing what the parts are, looking at the parts clearly. Then, like you said, you know, sort of either letting a protector or a part know, like, thank you for your service. You. You don't have to do this anymore. Or re. Rehiring them for a new position. Like, you know, do exactly what you do, but do it here. Protect this, do this. You know, working through all of that and. And sort of getting to. Usually once you realize that a need is being. Often when you realize that a need is being met by something else, by someone else, there actually is grief because it's sort of. You're. You now feel safe to grieve that these people didn't meet it.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

Because it's met now. You know what I mean? So you can actually really. There, there. People are often surprised that it's like. But I'm thinking about how I'm getting this from my friends or I've gotten this from these father figures or whatever, but I feel really sad because. And I've faced this before too, where I'm like, but it's not the people that I wanted to do it. And the only thing to do with that is to just honor that longing. As my therapist would say, just allow, like. Right, of course. And the needs are met. And it's. Both things are true and we wish it was them. And the needs are met.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

You know, and you can hold both.

[Pete Holmes]

It can never be. Not the full picture for me to be fully satisfying.

[Valerie]

Exactly. And then almost always the very next thing is like, whoa. And it's being met, and there's just this. You don't even have to force it. It's just this natural gratitude that comes out. It's like, you saw me go through it, and we talked about it a little bit on the podcast. When Leela got stung by a wasp and had an allergic reaction, it was like all of these feel. Well, first it was sort of just like not going into the cave because I couldn't yet because I was taking care of her. And then, like, once she was fine having the grief that had pooled of, like, what could have been or how bad it could have gotten, or just the fact that this fragile being is in this world and I care so much that she's okay, you know, and really, really grieving that. And then naturally not forcing it. The very next feeling was like, thank God for modern medicine, for those specific nurses, for cars that drive us to the emergency room, for, like, just. It just happens. That's why. That's sort of the flaw, too, in, like, Toxic positivity where it's like a type of self help that I think for the most part has been exposed at this point. But that's like people who are, you know, just jump. Trying to jump to the gratitude. And it's like the gratitude will naturally.

[Pete Holmes]

Come emerge 1, 2.

[Valerie]

After you've really, really made a home in the grief for a bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And settled into it.

[Pete Holmes]

I had that. It's funny that you brought up the wasp incident because I was talking to these protectors in my psyche and they're all like, they're very decisive and they're very like, scoop up the kid and get out. And they're very like strategic and. And fierce, hyper masculine. Like, like, this is bad. We're getting you out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like Terminator. Come with me if you want to live. They grab you and they go. And they're. And sometimes they overreact. And that's. That's what the therapy or, you know, they don't know exactly what's going on. And. But I was making peace with an aspect of my protector and. And how fierce and sort of reactive and strong they can be. And I was trying to understand this part of me and it hit me. I was like, oh, you drove the car when Leila was stung by the bee and I didn't have to look for it. I was like, what are you for? And it was like, I drove the car. And I was like, oh, yeah, you drove the car.

[Valerie]

Oh, thank God for that protection. I personally feel grateful to me too specific.

[Pete Holmes]

And it felt like a different. It was like carved out of stone or something. It was a very stoic. I know stone isn't stoic, but I just mean it sounds similar. It's fun. I like it. I'm going to go with it. But it was like, yeah, you can't. These parts of you are for something. That's why this. Today's session of going like, here's this weird brittle foundation that says you gotta go back and see him for Christmas. And you're like, ah. And then you realize it. It's trying to help. And then you update it and say, help like this. Or you're going like, I don't know why you're always so fierce. And it's like, well, here's why. And you go, oh, that's good. That's appropriate. You belong on the team. We just need to get everybody facing the same direction.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Therapy.

[Valerie]

Therapy. Hashtag therapy.

[Pete Holmes]

Hashtag therapy. Internal family systems. Do it.

[Valerie]

Great work, baby. Proud of you.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks. Chicken head.

[Valerie]

Nope. Let's play that flute.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, let's. Let's end how we began with me trying to play the State Farm. I'm gonna really try like a gun.

[Valerie]

To my head, just to remind you it's. Wait, wait, wait. I know, I know, but I think it'll be funnier to hear it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, go ahead.

[Valerie]

For the people who don't know, maybe.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

It's. Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

How did I do it?

[Valerie]

First try.

[Pete Holmes]

When I say I don't. I don't think I could do it again.

[Valerie]

Well, let's try.

[Pete Holmes]

No, that was. I don't. It was a total.

[Valerie]

That was amazing.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know how to do it. Yep.

[Valerie]

Wow. Just ended it on a high note.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Valerie]

Okay. All right.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you ever need to poop, think of this. Somebody. It was the wrong riff. Thanks, everybody. We're so glad you were here. Valerie, keep it crisp. Speaker.