Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #225
Date: September 5, 2025
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest Co-host: Valerie (Pete’s wife)

Overview

This episode of "We Made It Weird" features Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie in an intimate and playful conversation about the weirdness of their lives. The episode covers their personal growth journeys, parenting philosophies, relationship dynamics, wounds from childhood, and spiritual perspectives. It’s a mix of lighthearted banter, deep self-reflection, and insight into their family life, peppered with memorable, funny moments and philosophical tangents.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Secret Weirdness and Language Evolution

• Pete and Valerie start by riffing on the evolution of slang, discussing terms like “cringe,” “dorky,” and “adorkable,” and how these concepts have shifted through time.
• They expose their own “lovably cringe” moments and the blurry line between dorky and cringy.
• Notable Quote:
  • “I notice, and often on this podcast, that I’m cringe. I’m not—I hope I’m not majority cringe. Lovably, lovably cringe from time to time.” – Pete (06:37)

2. Romantic Gestures & Family Dynamics

• The couple shares recent experiences with dating and Pete’s spontaneous romanticism (gifting Valerie a gold necklace “for no reason”).
• They reflect on how previous generations treated gifts like jewelry—as status symbols or apologies—and their own efforts to reclaim gift-giving as genuine affection.

3. On Self-Care & Living Well

• Pete describes “evolved dude” moments like getting a foot massage, noting generational resistance to self-care among men.
• Quote:
  • “Me getting a foot massage on an afternoon in California is…light in the loafers, is what they would say... I just think homosexual, preferring the company of men, were you to be a man.” – Pete (13:44)

4. Deep Dive: Consciousness, Spirituality, and Brain Science

• Valerie brings up a “No Nonsense Spirituality” influencer who explains mystical experiences as neurological phenomena.
• The two discuss the idea of enlightenment, the dissolving of the self, and the euphoria that follows. Pete challenges the reductionist view, riffing on “shared hallucination” as scientific language for spiritual realities.
• Notable Quotes:
  • “We’re in God’s mind, or this is God’s dream, or this is the one awareness’s dream. But [scientists] say this is a shared hallucination…” – Pete (23:36)
  • “What is the spacious field of luminous emptiness that you essentially are? And I don’t mean when you’re meditating. I mean now, right now...” – Pete (22:35)

5. Therapy, Childhood Wounds & Codependence

• Pete opens up about a core childhood wound: the belief that he was responsible for his mother's happiness.
• Describes using Internal Family Systems and parts work in therapy to heal these old burdens.
• Valerie reflects on different parental archetypes (the mother who feels her child is only safe with her vs. the mother who needs help).
• Notable Quotes:
  • “It ended up quite literally being a gift. I’ve looked in the face the burden of believing that my mom’s only happy when I’m with her, and I felt those feelings. It’s actually the place where I’m the most vulnerable and most stuck.” – Pete (30:20)
  • “Codependence is: I need you to be okay before I can be okay.” – Valerie (36:43)
  • “When my mom would pick me up as a child, that was the feeling—it was when I would be craving nicotine and I would take it.” – Pete (37:27)

6. Parenting Reflections

• They discuss the temptation (and challenge) of passing on their wounds to their daughter Leela and how they try to avoid it.
• Pete describes teaching Leela about “feelings as clouds in the sky” and the importance of making space for emotions—both hers and his own.
• The couple debates the ideal of the “sturdy pilot” parent (Dr. Becky Kennedy) versus normalized sensitivity and emotional repair.
• Quote:
  • “Having a kid whose feelings you make space for is such a great reminder to make space for your own feelings.” – Pete (47:53)

7. Preparedness: The Dad Win

• Pete shares a story where he gets to be “the prepared dad” by rescuing Valerie and Leela when a bike malfunctioned, impressing their daughter with his readiness and “dad skills.”
• Valerie points out that day-to-day parenting often means one parent (her) does a lot of the unseen prepping, but both are appreciated.

8. Family Visits and Generational Differences

• The couple discusses their trip to see Pete’s parents, the emotional triggers of visiting childhood homes, and learning emotional regulation using a “psychophysiological sigh” (73:03).
• Pete credits Internal Family Systems for moving from reactive (“I peed myself”) to proactive (“I need to pee”—the analogy for emotional regulation) responses.

9. In-law Relations and Romantic Archetypes

• Valerie and Pete examine how each forgives the other's parents with more ease than their own, and how observing each other's strengths is a source of comfort.
• They playfully compare their relationship to “Jack and Rose” from Titanic, highlighting the wonders of merging different emotional strengths and temperaments in partnership.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Language & Cringe:
  • “I notice, and often on this podcast, that I’m cringe…Lovably, lovably cringe from time to time.” – Pete (06:37)
• On Nondual Spirituality:
  • “What is the spacious field of luminous emptiness that you essentially are?...I mean now, right now.” – Pete (22:35)
• On Healing Childhood Wounds:
  • “It ended up quite literally being a gift…I’ve looked in the face the burden of believing that my mom’s only happy when I’m with her.” – Pete (30:20)
• On Codependence:
  • “Codependence is: I need you to be okay before I can be okay.” – Valerie (36:43)
• On Parental Repair:
  • “Having a kid whose feelings you make space for is such a great reminder to make space for your own feelings.” – Pete (47:53)
• Dad Highlight:
  • “My daughter gets to see that I am like a knife-having dad…This is a dad highlight for me.” – Pete (52:31)
• On Emotional Regulation:
  • “You’re trying to understand the brain with the brain.” – Valerie (25:56);
  • “Just breathe with it…We’ve been doing the three-part breath…Huberman says it’s the most researched, quickest way to calm your body down.” – Pete (72:56)
• On Relationships (Titanic Metaphor):
  • “It’s Titanic. The thief Jack needs to be with the princess Kate...that pairing is correct.” – Pete (80:22)
  • “I just truly always wanted a love like Titanic. And we have it.” – Valerie (82:09)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment / Topic | |---------|--------------------------------------------------------------------| | 05:22 | Physical energy and "lymphatic hops," playful movement references | | 06:00 | Language evolution: cringe, dorky, adorkable discussion | | 08:27 | Relationship and dating reflections | | 12:37 | Parenting, jewelry for apologies vs. gifts | | 13:12 | Foot massages, self-care, and generational habits | | 14:28 | Frankenstein, consciousness, and spirituality | | 18:06 | Spiritual experiences & the brain | | 29:28 | Pete’s therapy revelations about childhood wounds | | 36:43 | Codependence defined (“I need you to be okay…”) | | 44:51 | Parenting “fails,” division of labor, realizations | | 47:52 | Handling kids’ (and parents’) big feelings | | 50:31 | “Dad prepared” bike rescue story | | 61:03 | Jazz music, aging, and parental domesticity | | 68:20 | Emotional triggers, trauma responses (potty training analogy) | | 73:03 | Psychophysiological sigh for calming, emotion regulation | | 80:22 | Titanic metaphor for relationship dynamics |

Tone & Language

• Playful, warm, philosophical: The conversation is a blend of candid vulnerability and silly riffs, using inside jokes and recurring references, but returning frequently to deep emotional material.
• Self-deprecating: Pete is acutely aware of his own weirdness, cringe moments, and struggles, often poking fun at himself.
• Supportive & affectionate: Both partners regularly voice appreciation and reassurance to one another.
• Reflective and insightful: Discussions on spirituality, therapy, and parenting are thoughtful and nuanced.

Overall Impression

This episode captures the “secret weirdness” that Pete Holmes coined with the podcast, as he and Valerie openly share the messier, more awkward, but beautiful aspects of their marriage, parenting, individual growth, and spiritual curiosity. It's an insight-rich, often hilarious, and sometimes poignant look at how two people make sense of their inner (and outer) worlds, together.

“Keep it crispy.”