We Made It Weird #226

Summary

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Episode Summary: We Made It Weird #226 – Pete Holmes & Valerie ("Val") Holmes

Date: September 12, 2025
Podcast: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-Host: Valerie (“Val”) Holmes

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Episode Theme:

This episode is classic "We Made It Weird": an intimate, zany, and thoughtful conversation between Pete and Val Holmes in which they riff on pop culture (Taylor Swift, classic movies, acting styles), share personal stories about comedy, reflect on the mind-body disconnect, and celebrate the everyday weirdness everyone harbors. The show’s vibe is intentionally loose and conversational, leaning into digressions, vulnerability, and quirky observations, with plenty of laughter and in-jokes for the loyal listener.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Taylor Swift Secrets and Celebrity Codebreaking

• Timestamps: 00:39–02:48
• The episode kicks off with Val comparing their Insider podcast callbacks to Taylor Swift’s secret messages for fans, like embedded codes in her album titles and song lyrics.
  • Valerie: “You know how Taylor Swift embeds codes in her songs for her fans?...Her whole album, I think it’s the most recent one, has certain letters that are bigger than others, like, are in caps and that spells… what is this?” (01:01)
• Pete mockingly questions this, then genuinely enjoys the concept.
  • Pete: "I went from making fun of it to immediately thinking, that's really fun." (01:23)
• Both riff on Jake Gyllenhaal, referencing how Pete met him once and how Val used to watch "Moonlight Mile" solely for him.
  • Val: “I used to watch that in high school. Just for Gyllenhaal.” (02:44)

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2. Manic vs. Chill Podcasting (Setting the Episode’s Mood)

• Timestamps: 02:53–03:09
• Pete notes how some episodes are manic, but today’s is “like a real conversation between two people, two humans.”
  • Val: “It’s like a real conversation between two people, two humans.” (03:05)

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3. Sex Symbols and Old Movies: The James Spader Riff

• Timestamps: 08:29–11:05
• Pete and Val riff on how some actors (like James Spader) unexpectedly become sex symbols (“he’s a shooting star... of sexuality"), referencing "Sex, Lies, and Videotape" and debating the relative required-ness of various “must-see” movies.
  • Pete: "I was like, oh, he’s a... sexpot. He’s a banger, he’s a red pepper, he’s a tilt-a-whirl... he’s a shooting star, okay. Of sexuality." (09:11)

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4. Not-So-Essential Pop Culture: "Never Seen The Godfather" Club

• Timestamps: 10:22–14:03
• Admitting they’ve never seen "The Godfather," Pete and Val discuss the cultural pressure to watch classic films (and the pride in being holdouts).
  • Pete: “I have a tote bag of pleasure of being like, I’ve never seen that and I never will.” (10:56)
• They further rabbit-hole into early gangster movies, with Pete reading IMDB-style trivia: “You haven’t seen the Musketeers of Pig Alley, 1912.” (13:44)

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5. Human/Machine Distinction: Pete's Dystopian Captcha Theory

• Timestamps: 16:01–18:09
• Pete riffs on a future where humans must prove they’re not robots by saying things a bot can’t or won’t (“hello, slut, I am a human slut”).
  • Pete: “The way that you prove you’re not an artificial intelligence robot… you have to say something an AI would never say.” (17:13)
  • Val: “Is that funny?”
  • Pete: “It’s a podcast bit.” (18:11)

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6. The Frustrations of Tech in Daily Life & Aging

• Timestamps: 18:20–21:54
• Pete tells his tale of podcast apps failing him and the hassle of finding the “right episode,” transitioning into bits about aging—fonts getting bigger, parents with massive phone screens, and the comedy it inspires.
  • Pete: “When I was looking at your mom’s phone...it’s like three billboards outside...” (21:01)
  • Val: “You couldn’t see an entire text message in one screen.” (21:40)

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7. Doing Stand-up in "Rooms" vs. Clubs—Comedy Energy

• Timestamps: 22:15–29:28
• Pete describes a recent gig at Donald Glover’s “Boba shop” in Silver Lake: the thrill, nerves, and risk of performing in a ‘room’ where not everyone’s a fan, versus the security of club shows.
  • Pete: “It was just scrappy... I was very aware that I could bomb.” (26:36)
  • Val: “You did a bit I didn’t know you have. It really did seem improvised.” (27:15)
  • Pete breaks down one of his “room” bits, even humorously meta-analyzing the three distinct laughter moments (“laugh number one...number two...number three”). (27:33–27:54)

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8. The Universal Rollercoaster of Any Skill (Comedy, Pole-Dancing, Exercise)

• Timestamps: 29:28–30:57
• Frank discussion about good and bad days in skill-based endeavors: stand-up, pole dancing, or exercise. Some nights you “go upside down”; next time, you “can’t even do a basic swing.”

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9. The Mind-Body Disconnect & Val's "Life Thesis"

• Timestamps: 32:58–39:03
• Val asks: “Why don’t we know what’s happening with our bodies and emotions?” (32:58) She shares her glucose monitor story and explores whether modern humans are out of synch with their bodies because of distractions or evolutionary changes.
  • Pete: “The user experience for the human body could certainly use an upgrade.” (34:49)
  • Val: “I think this might be the thesis of our lives, you and I specifically. But why don’t we know what is happening with our bodies and emotions?” (32:58)
• They build a metaphor of the mind as the “president” and body as “the country”—often at odds, sometimes in “mutiny.”
  • Val: “So much of somatic work is trying to restore the connection between your brain and body and give your body way bigger of a seat at the table...” (39:11)

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10. Old-School Variety Stardom: Sinatra and Pre-TV "All-Arounders"

• Timestamps: 42:47–45:26
• The hosts reflect on the era when celebrities had to do “everything”—sing, tell stories, entertain, and serve as an all-purpose “emotional outlet.” They imagine a time when everyone had to be versatile: bar acts, catchy songs, and comedic anecdotes all rolled together.
  • Pete: “Frank Sinatra owns an entire generation...he was their comedy, their sex appeal, their music, the only emotional outlet they had...” (42:49–43:02)

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11. Watching Classic Films Through a Modern Lens (And Their Unintentional "Poop Vibes" of the 70s)

• Timestamps: 45:06–51:26
• Val and Pete dissect why some musicals/old movies are enduringly charming, while others exhibit strange, sometimes off-putting energy—especially 1970s cinema, which both agree “feels like I have to poop."
  • Val: “I don’t really like any movie from the 70s. They all make me kind of feel like I have to poop.” (50:12)
• They develop a running joke describing ‘70s movie aesthetics in terms of brown, avocado, orange, and “musty” décor.

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12. Acting: The Four Essential Verbs (Feed, Feel, Fight, F*ck) and the Art of Dimensional Performance

• Timestamps: 64:40–69:56
• A surprisingly insightful analysis of actors’ believability across four domains: sensuality, emotion, aggression, appetite. They pick apart Adam Sandler, Tom Cruise, Ryan Gosling, Denzel, and Clooney on these axes.
  • Pete: “You can see [Adam Sandler] tender, you can see him angry, you can see him horny, you can see him silly. You can see him stupid, you can also see him smart… You're ready to believe anything." (65:03)
  • Pete (later): “It's like running for president, running for movie star—I need to believe that you would eat a cheeseburger and be like, 'that's good.' Same with sex, same with fighting. That’s Cruise." (68:44)

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13. Social Blunders & Awkwardness: "We Love You Guys"

• Timestamps: 61:00–64:12
• Pete and Val share recent moments of social awkwardness at gatherings and in everyday encounters.
  • Pete: “I hope you had fun with Seth. We love you guys...That’s the fastest meeting to saying I love you in human history." (63:01)

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14. Set Life, Flirtation, and The Psychology of ‘Camp’

• Timestamps: 57:03–59:01
• Val describes how people on sets develop quick, intense “set crushes,” and Pete relates this to the fleeting nature of attraction in high-energy, purpose-driven environments (like “summer camp”).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You know how Taylor Swift embeds codes in her songs for her fans?... No, her whole album, I think it’s the most recent one, has certain letters that are bigger than others, like, are in caps and that spells... what is this?”
  — Valerie, 01:01

• “I have a tote bag of pleasure of being like, I’ve never seen that and I never will.”
  — Pete, 10:56

• "You can see [Adam Sandler] tender, you can see him angry, you can see him horny, you can see him silly. You can see him stupid, you can also see him smart... You're ready to believe anything."
  — Pete, 65:03

• “I don’t really like any movie from the 70s. They all make me kind of feel like I have to poop.”
  — Val, 50:12

• “Why don’t we know what is happening with our bodies and emotions?... I think this might be the thesis of our lives, you and I specifically.”
  — Val, 32:58

• “I hope you had fun with Seth. We love you guys...That’s the fastest meeting to saying I love you in human history.”
  — Pete, 63:01

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Intro / Taylor Swift Codex: 00:39–02:48
• Sex Symbols, Classic Movies: 08:29–14:03
• AI, Human Captcha Theory: 16:01–18:09
• Podcast Tech & Aging: 18:20–21:54
• Mind-Body Disconnect: 32:58–39:03
• Acting: The Four Verbs: 64:40–69:56
• Comedy in the “Room”: 22:15–29:28

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Conclusion:

Pete and Val’s chemistry shines in this meandering, funny, and oddly deep episode—taking listeners on tangents from celebrity codebreaking to the quirks of their own minds and bodies. They poke fun at themselves, culture, and each other, offering a unique window into the inner worlds of two comedians and spouses. Notably, Val frequently receives the fictitious “Potty Award” from Pete for her insight and wit, making her the MVP of the episode.

Final Sign-off:
Val: “What you want?”
Pete: “Keep it crispy.” (70:09)

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For fans of comedic honesty, pop culture musings, and the comforting weirdness of being alive, this episode is a must-listen.

Transcript

[Valerie]

You made it with. You made it with.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes. Wow, what a great ending. Oh, go ahead. Oh, my God. In the intro is the callback. It's a. It's a.

[Valerie]

It's backwards.

[Pete Holmes]

You'll get it at the end.

[Valerie]

You'll get it at the end.

[Pete Holmes]

Listen. Like when a post says, watch till the end. Listen, listen till the end. Yeah, for that, for that. Now say the thing.

[Valerie]

What? Oh, what's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

There it is. Sorry we didn't hit it right away, but you'll see this episode.

[Valerie]

There's like an embedded sort of fan. I mean, I. I don't know. I. I feel like it's like. You know how Taylor Swift embeds codes in her songs for her fans? Oh, she does. And we have one of those. This episode.

[Pete Holmes]

This episode. Okay. I thought that was just something mentally unstable people thought pop stars were doing for them.

[Valerie]

No, her whole album, I think it's the most recent one, has certain level letters that are bigger than others, like, are in caps and that spells, what is this?

[Pete Holmes]

Paddington? And in the pop up book, there's different letters and I can go to those letters and that's how I find the key to the organ to, like.

[Valerie]

Who the song's about. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really? Okay. That's fun. I went from making fun of it to immediately thinking, that's really fun.

[Valerie]

Really fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Imagine how much effort it is to hide the word Gyllenh hall every single.

[Valerie]

Because I. I stopped really following her. Love her romances.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You know, after 1989. Not the year this, the album, I assume every song is about Gyllenhaal. And she's had like a bajillion boyfriends.

[Pete Holmes]

A bajillion hall.

[Valerie]

A bajillion hall.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what you mean. And that's another way that I'm old, is that I still think Taylor Swift just got out of a relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal, who I met once. Oh, very, very good looking. Yeah, I know, but he kind of has like a. On film, he. He plays like creeps and stuff.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then when you just see him, we were doing Colbert together, I think, and in a suit, you're just like, God damn.

[Valerie]

No, he. I've had a huge crush on him.

[Pete Holmes]

Good choice.

[Valerie]

I. There's a movie that I feel like, no, I've never heard anyone talk about called Moonlight Mile. Moonlit Mile, and it's got Susan Sarandon and Dustin Hoffman and Jake Gyllenhaal and I think the girl from Grey's Anatomy is in it. Anyway, it's a beautiful movie, and I used to watch that in high school.

[Pete Holmes]

Just for Gyllenhaal.

[Valerie]

Just for Gyllenhaal.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm here for the Gyllenhaal.

[Valerie]

I really was.

[Pete Holmes]

I get it. Well, sorry, we're just jumping in. But this episode, I loved it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is the energy, by the way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have to tell people, if you listen to this show a lot, sometimes I'm like, incredibly manic and just going nuts. This one is like this. Yeah, I really like it.

[Valerie]

It's like a real conversation between two people, two humans.

[Pete Holmes]

But Val is on point and what a delight. She won three potty awards during this episode. So let's get to it. Instead of talking about it, I suppose I'm going to say real quick my tour dates. First of all, thank you to everyone who came to Spokane. God, I loved it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just had no idea it was such a great comedy town and just a great town. I enjoyed every moment. And Idaho. I've never been to Idaho before, but it's like five.

[Valerie]

I don't know. Idaho.

[Pete Holmes]

Idaho. So St. Louis, if you're hearing this, the day this comes out, I'm in St. Louis September 25th. I'm going to be at Largo here in Los Angeles. We have Cleveland, Miami, Chicago, Pittsburgh, New York, New York, Atlantic City, New Jersey, Milwaukee, Improv, Brea, Improv, and Royal Oak, Michigan. All Those are on PeteHomes.com. we're going to do the ads up top for a completely uninterrupted episode. So, Katie, roll that beautiful bean footage and then we will be back to tell you that we're back and that we're rolling into the episode. But try some of these things. These are things I love.

[Valerie]

Try them.

[Pete Holmes]

Try them.

[Valerie]

We love them.

[Pete Holmes]

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[Valerie]

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[Pete Holmes]

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[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna start there.

[Valerie]

Oh, no, no. Am I about to get reprimanded?

[Pete Holmes]

What is this, the movie Secretary? By the way, if you don't know that, what's his name? James.

[Valerie]

Spader.

[Pete Holmes]

James Spader. Look, no disrespect to James Spader, but like, if you don't know he's a sex symbol and then they're just like, this is a sex symbol. Like later.

[Valerie]

You mean like you see him in the office and like I show the office and you're like that he was.

[Pete Holmes]

In the office I'm working in.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

James. I'm just saying, when I saw Sex Lies in videotape.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, oh, he's a. He's a sexpot. He's like. He's a banger. He's a red pepper. He's a tilt a world or any of these. He's a shooting star, okay. Of sexuality.

[Valerie]

But like, that's how people talk too.

[Pete Holmes]

This is how people talk. They say, look at that boner shaped shooting star.

[Valerie]

Of sexuality.

[Pete Holmes]

Sensual sexuality.

[Valerie]

Sensual sexuality.

[Pete Holmes]

I just, when I saw that. Have you seen Sex lies in videotape.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Guess what? Take that guilt and put it in the Fargo wood chipper, because ain't nobody need to see sex lives in videotape.

[Valerie]

Really? It seems kind of spicy. Doesn't he, like, jerk off for a long time in that, or is that just me?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. No, no, no. I also. For all the film. Film lovers that are like, yes, you do. I'm just saying it's in for me, the third tier of Must See tv.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

It is good. And it was independent and very low budget. And they just figured out that people talking about sexuality, like, very earnestly.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Was very sexy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Sounds right up my alley.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you would like it.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I just don't think it's in the.

[Valerie]

Like, you haven't seen the AFI top 100?

[Pete Holmes]

I wonder.

[Valerie]

I wonder, too.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Valerie]

Let's just wonder.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, remember the night we met? We vowed we'd never see Godfather. That's the ultimate.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You haven't seen the Godfather, and I enjoy that.

[Valerie]

So many people have said that to me that it. It convinced me not to.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's worth it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, everybody has. Most people have. Walking around in their little pocket of yesteryear. That's where you'd keep, like, a watch.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now they keep the pleasure of having seen the Godfather. I have a tote bag of pleasure of being like, I've never seen that and I never will.

[Valerie]

Here's the question.

[Pete Holmes]

And people are going nuts. People are going, some, no, probably not. But some film people are like, how can.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How can you be this way?

[Valerie]

But was there. Was that the first mafia movie that ever existed?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's a great question. My. My knee jerk is like, no.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Should we wonder kill.

[Valerie]

Cuz sometimes I. I wonder. I'm. I know it's, like, beautifully shot and the performances are inaudible. That's how I feel about. Because he's always like, michael, I haven't seen it.

[Pete Holmes]

I really like it.

[Valerie]

Clearly.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, I. For someone who hasn't seen all of the Godfather, I've seen a good amount of it. Sorry. You knew that I said that the night we met.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

That I've seen pieces of it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you said pieces. Not a good amount.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, now, because we're talking publicly, I feel defensive, so I want to be like, a good amount.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's not true.

[Valerie]

But when you're flirting, it's pieces.

[Pete Holmes]

When I'm trying to get that sweet candy ass that now I set out send out on the pole for your pole dancing. I had to wrangle that sweet candy ass now that I send it out on the pole. Okay, so taking pole dance chat.

[Valerie]

Gbt, those of you who missed that.

[Pete Holmes]

Great question predates the Godfather by several decades. Whoa. Silent era classic gangster boom. Little Caesar, the Public Enemy. Okay, Scarface was first 1932. Scarface, 1932. Okay, look, that should be in the quotes.

[Valerie]

Did cocaine even exist then?

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, Tony Camonte, Another cornerstone. There's another Scarface. So Paul Mooney. Paul Mooney. M U N I not the black comedian on the Chappelle Show. That Paul Mooney? Not that one.

[Valerie]

Kevin Mooney, I think.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that Kevin Mooney?

[Valerie]

No, Kevin Mooney, I think Kyle Mooney.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that's who I meant. No, Paul Mooney. I was right. Paul Mooney.

[Valerie]

I meant Kyle Mooney, who is definitely the opposite of a black guy.

[Pete Holmes]

And this Paul Mooney is Italian. And I don't know who you meant, or I would have. Yes. Handed. I want. That's very clear. But somewhere.

[Valerie]

Just keep reading about these movies. None of us have ever heard of.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. If you want the first ever gangster movie, that's Musketeers of Pig Alley.

[Valerie]

You couldn't have thought of a better.

[Pete Holmes]

Fake musk if you had said, please, let's actually wind it back. Say, is the Godfather the first gangster movie?

[Valerie]

Is the Godfather the first gangster movie.

[Pete Holmes]

You haven't seen the Musketeers of Pig Alley, 1912. The first full length iconic gangster talkie is Little Caesar also.

[Valerie]

Never heard of it. Okay, so they've been making movies about gangsters since they've been making movies.

[Pete Holmes]

You've probably eaten Little Caesars.

[Valerie]

Yes, I.

[Pete Holmes]

That's something I would say. Like, when I go to my club, Val's a real girl. She's, you know, she's eating at Little Caesars.

[Valerie]

When you go to your club?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, like some sort of club? What, like a men's club. Oh, like I'm sitting at a card table and I mean as a compliment, like, you're salt of the earth, but more salt of the pizza. It's a very salty pie, isn't it?

[Valerie]

Are you picturing, like, Prince Philip's club in the crown? You remember how he was a member of that, like, shady club?

[Pete Holmes]

I think I. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Whereas, like, the. The boys get ruckus.

[Pete Holmes]

I was listening to Alec Baldwin's podcast, by the way.

[Valerie]

Raucous.

[Pete Holmes]

Raucous.

[Valerie]

How. How do you use that word?

[Pete Holmes]

Ruckus? Raucous.

[Valerie]

And do you say you don't say they get ruckus.

[Pete Holmes]

You say it's a raucous club.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. They're behaving raucously with Rocarity. I. I was listening to Alec Baldwin's podcast. We are. You can listen to Alec Baldwin, Right? I know he.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Made a big mistake.

[Valerie]

No, no, no. I think people. Yeah, I think people, like, feel bad about everyone in that whole situation.

[Pete Holmes]

The whole situation.

[Valerie]

I think I.

[Pete Holmes]

Then he also had the wife that lied about being, like, Latino, Latinx. Can you pass me a Latinx? Is that okay? I'm just pointing out that Latinx sounds like Kleenex. So if there was like a. A Spanish way of sneezing, it would be funny to do that. Hand me a Latinx. Anyway, she lied about. Anyway, he had some boners and some big mistakes. Oh, no. Oh, no, no. This is the real AI don't talk like this. Welcome back to AI Don't Talk like this. Can I tell you my theory in the future?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm excited about this. I also want to talk about podcasts in general.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think in the future, the human captcha test, you know how you have to. They robots can't prove they're not. So robotics will get so advanced that we will have humanoids just like Blade Runner. There'll be human robots in the skin. Beautiful. Probably available.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

The way that we jerk it to porn and we're like, this isn't cheating. There's a good chance we'll be having our sex robots. And then the more things change, the more they stay the same. So much of human history. This is not me making a case for this. I'm saying concubines. It was just, like, understood before the Internet. People were just paying for extra maritals.

[Valerie]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

So I think robots might bring us back to that. Robots. But anyway, I think the way. Consider that you're talking to me and robots, robotics. AI gets so sophisticated that of course it can be natural. It can be human and act human the way that you get the reverse Captcha, meaning you're taught. Well, I guess it's just a. In life captcha. You're talking to a artificial intelligence robot and you want to prove. Okay, sorry, let's say I want to prove to you that I'm not an artificial intelligence robot. I have to say something. An AI would never say. Like, now I would say, you know, suicide is a great option. You should try it because it's programmed to not ever say that. Or you could say a slur. The funnier way of presenting what I say, you have to say it will never say certain words.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And of course I'm not going to say those words. But imagine just ever so briefly, a future where people constantly say the worst words in a completely meaningless context, just as a pass key. Yeah, I wish I could think of it. Let's say slut is one. You just have to be like, hello, slut. I am a human slut. I have some ideas I want. I have a beating heart slut. Like, you just have to prove it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that funny? I mean, for this.

[Valerie]

I enjoyed it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a podcast bit.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I enjoyed it.

[Pete Holmes]

Not gonna bring it out on this.

[Valerie]

Not gonna work there.

[Pete Holmes]

Not gonna work there anymore.

[Valerie]

And then the other podcast in general.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted to say was, and I know this is probably a very relatable premise to people listening to this podcast right now. Is there anything more deadly than trying to put on a podcast in the car? It's the fucking worst.

[Valerie]

You gotta subscribe, baby doll.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's in your, like, homepage.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I was gonna tell you that because you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead, I said. And you said, text me.

[Valerie]

Can you send me the link to Malcolm Gladwell on Conan's podcast?

[Pete Holmes]

Because I was risking life and limb.

[Valerie]

Searching for it and I searched it real easy because you can also just put in Malcolm Gladwell Conan and it'll come up.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I'm driving.

[Valerie]

I understand. But you could use your talk. I'm glad you didn't use your talk. You can use your.

[Pete Holmes]

I use the talk. I go on the. The first thing I did, Malcolm Gladwell head over here. I go. Boy, if there isn't a safer place for me to let out my testosterone, and that's just a fancy way of saying anger than at fucking technological fuck ups. I press and hold the button, play the most recent episode of Revisionist history.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it goes playing pirates be damned, like some other podcast. And I will relish the opportunity to just be like you. Fuck. If you saw me, you would think I was. You would not you. But other people would be like, oh, Pete's crazy. I'm screaming. Pirates being crazy. Fuck you. Fuck you. And I'm like risking my life to listen to a dumbass podcast.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then I'm scrolling through seasons. But why you should be able to just say play. I listened to Lena Dunham on Alec Baldwin for about 10 minutes and then I realized I've been doing podcasts all day. I don't want to listen to a podcast. But you should Be able to say, play Lena Dunham on Alec Baldwin's podcast. Why aren't we there? We're there. We should be there.

[Valerie]

You should be able to. But I was saying. What I meant is you go into the podcast apps. Just go to the search bar and then use the voice dictation to type in.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you. Oh.

[Valerie]

To say Malcolm Gladwell, Conan.

[Pete Holmes]

It's happening, Valerie.

[Valerie]

You're getting old, and I'm explaining technology.

[Pete Holmes]

To you, and I like to think that I'm a pretty savvy son of a bitch.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you are. You pretty with it.

[Pete Holmes]

Pretty, pretty with it. Pretty with it. I went up one font size on my texts, on my screen.

[Valerie]

Did you? One little fake moment nudge.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah, man. When I was looking at your mom's phone.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

It really is like your bit.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like three billboards outside of Billing, Missouri or whatever it was called. It's like, that's my mom's phone. Oh, my mom's phone's so big. You thought it was four billboards. That's the joke. So big.

[Valerie]

It was like, what is the bit that you used to have with your dad?

[Pete Holmes]

My dad on his huge fonted phone. All you can see is a lowercase T on the entire screen. Yeah, dad, your phone would scare a vampire. And they go. My dad texts one letter at a time. Like Morse code. Like, oh, no. He reads his text one letter at a time. Teat, eat. And. Oh, 10t.

[Valerie]

Oh, that's what it is. It really was like that. Like, you couldn't see an entire. An entire, like, text message in one screen. Like, you had to scroll no matter how.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Short the message was.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's something we can update on.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what? That took me to the. So I'm making the sound of, like, the flaps, like an old alarm clock that, like, kind of. That's what I'm picturing when I go teat eat and, like, kind of folding over. Remember we went to Donald Glover's Boba shop?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In Silver Lake. We had a real, like, I hope this is interesting. I'll keep it quick. But, like, I did, like, a real show, meaning I've gotten so soft as a standup that I'm doing clubs where people are coming to see me. Thanks to Spokane. Everybody was so awesome. I loved it. And. And Largo and. And theaters. And then it's been a really long time since I've just done a room in a hip neighborhood. So here we are. A very hip spot.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In a very Hip neighborhood in Silver Lake.

[Valerie]

Doing a room means, like, there's other people there. There's comedian, like, other comedians. Nobody knows. Nobody knows the lineup, who's going to be on. It's like with the Cellar is in New York. It's. I don't know. I just feel like there are people who don't know what rooms are.

[Pete Holmes]

I hear you, but it's not quite the Cellar. It's like Meltdown or like.

[Valerie]

Well, it's like Meltdown, but I mean, like, when people go to the comedy seller, they don't know who the lineup is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. But they do know. It's weird. It's almost like laughter reverberates into the bricks and into the floor and it becomes a comedy room. It's like everybody at the Cellar, even every once in a while, it's a bad crowd at the Cellar. Rarely. It's late or something. They're still just like the energy's baked in. A room to me is like six nights a week. This is a boba shop, right. Tonight it's comedy.

[Valerie]

I see.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's trying to moonlight, right? The room is moonlighting as a comedy.

[Valerie]

I'm doing it at the Laundromat.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. That's. That's what I was. So when I was coming up doing Nerd Melt or Meltdown was a comic book shop, and in the back they had this little room and eventually, slowly but surely, those laughs got into the room and totally possessed it. And it became this incredible place. But as much as I liked doing this show, and I did, I felt like without being too self aggrandizing, I just feel like I'm. Let's make it less sexy. I box in the Olympics. I'm not like Mike Tyson in his heyday. I'm not saying that. I'm saying I'm a boxer in the Olympics.

[Valerie]

This is so good.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't know my name, but you made it.

[Valerie]

But you are an Olympian.

[Pete Holmes]

I am an Olympian.

[Valerie]

But I like. For example, I just found out that there is boxing in the Olympics.

[Pete Holmes]

Just the second me right now, I'm living in absolute uncertainty as whether or not boxing is in the Olympics.

[Valerie]

Okay, great.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, and I'll say this in the face of the man that invented the Olympics. Who cares? Is there anything stupid? I'm sorry. I know I'm losing a lot of.

[Valerie]

You've done this on. You've done this on the podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

I have, yeah.

[Valerie]

Because I got really excited about the last summer Olympics. And you Were like, I hate the Olympics.

[Pete Holmes]

I do hate the Olympics. But it's smart. Mostly. If we peel back all the anger, there's probably just some sadness that I'm like, nobody invited me to their Olympics party.

[Valerie]

No, it's more just like, they're special and I'm special.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a terrible audience member. I don't want to be like, wow, I really think that's. In one day, we will isolate the audience, Gene. And that doesn't mean I look at my audience as audience.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just look like everybody that's in a comedy audience is probably bad at being an audience for something else. You know what I mean? But. And I actually like being a comedy audience. I'm just saying I'm not good at just giving it up for somebody tossing a javelin. And that's really the issue.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But it's also why you are the one that is comfortable taking the mic. You're more comfortable doing that. So it makes sense.

[Pete Holmes]

A million.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So everything balanced out.

[Valerie]

That also reminds me of. Will you remember what you're saying? Do we even remember.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The Olympics. I can finish the point in a microsecond. I feel like a professional boxer, let's just say that. Who went back to his old neighborhood and played a game of pickup basketball. I swapped it up for fun. I could say I'm in the NBA and I went back and played some street ball.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, with, like, looser rules.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

People are kind of fouling and nobody's calling it. That's what it felt like to be on that stage. There is no stage, by the way. Go to the show if you're in la. It's fantastic. It's once a month. I loved every second. I think Bill Burr did it. It was fantastic.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was just scrappy in a way that I was like, oh, I haven't done a show in a long time where I'm, like, very aware that I could bomb. Like, I could eat shit. Like, I don't know.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it was sort of like, what do you got? It was to work out. And then I remembered all these tricks that I used to have that I haven't needed for a really long time. Addressing just exactly what's happening before you ease into it. All the old moves.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're doing the bit, but act like you're not doing the bit.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Incorporate them a little bit.

[Valerie]

Well, you did a bit that I didn't know you have. You have had in your back pocket for years.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Because it really did seem improvised. And I hadn't heard you do it.

[Pete Holmes]

It made me real happy to get you.

[Valerie]

And, I mean, it's rare that I hear you do a joke that I didn't see the inception of or, you know, facts. Should I tell it?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I don't mind.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're in a small venue.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It needs to be said. Somebody needs to say it. My version of it is I say off mic. I move the mic away from my face and go, do I even need this? Laugh number one. I feel like I'm just an asshole, and I installed a PA in my house. Laugh number two, then loudly into the microphone. Does anyone want a Mountain Dew? Laugh number number three?

[Valerie]

Yeah, I loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

What are we in a courtroom? Laugh number three. By the way, is there anything more delicious than someone breaking that down in the three laughs and then watching that eat? Because that is comedy.

[Valerie]

Yeah, because you didn't say punchline number one.

[Pete Holmes]

I just meant going. There's the moment in which I would laugh if I were in the crowd.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And does that mean that it's gonna get those laughs guaranteed? See, every comedian's a natural salesperson, because you have to sell these things to yourself. Like, I'm writing the joke and going, like, there's another part of me, a Vince Vaughn type, that's like, trust me, baby, they're gonna laugh there. They're gonna laugh. They're gonna love it. They're gonna. They're gonna be money. And, like, I have to go up and be like, he said this would work. Like, it's absolute insanity. And the cockiness comes when that. And it did work that night. And then you get cocky. This happens reproducibly and predictably. Reproducibly. I'm just saying. Reliably.

[Valerie]

And raucously.

[Pete Holmes]

And raucously. And with raucarity. Yeah, I will then do that at another venue, and it won't work. It's like. It's the funnest most.

[Valerie]

It's good.

[Pete Holmes]

Maddening. It's very good.

[Valerie]

Humbling.

[Pete Holmes]

But you just enjoy whatever part you're on. If you're in the mania of like. And reliably. Bang, bang, bang. Anyone want a Mountain Dew? Cut to the next night. Anyone who want to Mountain Dew. Nothing. Yeah, worse than nothing. They're mad at you. That's. It's. It's like life.

[Valerie]

It is like life. It's like pole dancing, too, actually, to be honest.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, sending Val's ass out on. Okay, come on. Come on. She's doing pole dancing for. For her cco.

[Valerie]

For her cco. And it is like that. Like you'll have a night where you're like, holy shit, I went upside down.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And then the next time you do it, two days later, maybe you're like, I can't even do like a basic, the most basic swing.

[Pete Holmes]

I could talk about this endlessly.

[Valerie]

I mean, and other. Just like fill in your exercise routine. That's what that's like, you know, that's like running. I'm sure I've never really been able to do that. Yeah, but you know, and lifting, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

No, absolutely. But when it comes to efforts of the mind, the body. I understand. I'm like, well, maybe you didn't sleep, but it's similar to the mind, but when you're trying to just do conjure up an aspect of your personality.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So people can probably tell that I sound really tired. I'm just like, I don't know. I did this weekend in Spokane. Apologies to everyone. I've been promoting it as Spokane. And these beautiful angels came. Anyway.

[Valerie]

I think I knew it was Spokane and I either did correct you or I didn't.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you didn't. I don't think if you had, I would have gone. I mean, do, do I like looking as unto a fool.

[Valerie]

I. But I do feel like the last week when you did the intro, you said Spokane and I thought I said Spokane. Play the tape back. But I might not have.

[Pete Holmes]

I might have just thought this promo is Spokane for.

[Valerie]

Okay, okay. But yes, you've been doing. You did well, but you went on a long vacation. Then you saw your parents, then you.

[Pete Holmes]

It was, it was like the ground three shows. No, four. It doesn't matter. A lot of shows, a parent visit and even a vacation, you know, is no vacation.

[Valerie]

Okay, now as a kid, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

It can be tricky. Yeah. So there's all this energy and then like I did this weekend and I'm working again this weekend, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just. It could be age, I don't know. But usually after my shows I go back to my hotel and there's like a whole wind down period. That is not code for masturbation. I'm just saying there's not always. Not always there's a hot shower. There's usually some like eating. It's all masturbation. How did I not. I'm dull today. I'm dullered. That was great. You pick me up when I'm feeling. Couldn't even finish that. So these shows 46 do the shows. Went back to the Hotel head, hit the pillow, asleep. And then I'd wake up and I'm like rocked and just like chunked feeling like, I don't know, tired. Is this tired. But usually you know like, like a day of rest, which is what I did yesterday, is usually and has reliably been enough to like reboot the whole thing. I guess I'm. It could be a 46 year old thing, it could be some sort of illness that's kicking around in the background but I'm just like why can't I just. It's the most classic thing. I can't just fly into a city, do shows and then fly home and then just like pick back up and be like who's having noodles? Like I'm like I need to be buried in the earth for three hours just to re acclimate.

[Valerie]

This is making me think and I, I actually think what I'm about to say is pretty big. Like I think this might be the thesis of our lives, you and I specifically. But why don't we know what is happening with our bodies and emotions?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, like who does know if not us?

[Valerie]

Yeah, like one part of us.

[Pete Holmes]

This is great. If not us, who is in the loop? If we did clips, this is the clip. We don't do. We made it weird clips. But this is the clip.

[Valerie]

This is the clip. It's like one part of us, our brain has no idea what the body is doing. And then it makes me think. Here's some follow up questions. One, Are there people who do know? Like is that just like we are still you and I, you know, we most people.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Are so disconnected from ourselves, from our bodies that we like lost the ability to attune and know what's going on or. And I'm talking about like specifically like I last yesterday I drank this like sugary kind of coffee drink and I, I have a glucose monitor on. So I saw that my glucose spiked. I got this very familiar type of headache that I get and I like instantly needed a nap and I felt like shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

But if I didn't have this thing on my arm I'd be like what's going on?

[Pete Holmes]

You're, you're right in my wheelhouse. This is, I just don't understand the. What does Ariela work on? User interface or user experience? User experience. Yeah, the user experience for the human body could certainly use an upgrade.

[Valerie]

Yeah, like the.

[Pete Holmes]

With full respect human body, full respect. You are a miracle.

[Valerie]

And but even more than that, the connection between brain and body could really use an upgrade. Like, that has. And so then that brings me to my second question, which is, was there a time in human evolution where we really knew what was going on?

[Pete Holmes]

I think so. My first thought here is. And I just absolutely adore this area. Thank you. Thank you.

[Valerie]

You're welcome.

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel like we're watching television.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And movies and podcasts and books. There's a lot going in.

[Valerie]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

And as much as I enjoy letting things in, it might be softening. Let's just say if all you're doing is shepherding some sheep, you might be kind of like that smidge of cheese I had last night made my left toe feel a little bit weird, potentially.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I'm saying?

[Valerie]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

We're like, the whole thing. I've made this point a billion. But, like, according to the Book Tribe and according to the research cited in the Book Tribe, we're designed to only know 150 people.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And care about 150 people. I've always wanted to do this on stage where I'm just like, James Gandolfini, James Franco, Dave Franco, Dave Coulier. You know what I mean? And just list 150 people, like Ben Schwartz, Sonic the Hedgehog, Knuckles, Idris Elba, Jim Carrey, Jim Caviezel. Jesus Christ, Peter Paul, Mary Simon Garfunkel. You know what I mean? Like Dave Matthews, the violinist in Dave Matthews.

[Valerie]

Carter Buford.

[Pete Holmes]

Carter Buford. Just find your vowel. That's all. That's my only advice. Find the woman who says Carter Buford. When you say the violinist in Dave Matthews.

[Valerie]

He was the drummer.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right. Carter Buford.

[Valerie]

Carter Buford.

[Pete Holmes]

Carter. I knew where you got it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I liked it. But like, naming, we know a thousand celebrities.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Crazy.

[Valerie]

You're right.

[Pete Holmes]

So, yeah, we are out of touch. But going back to the real kernel of the idea between. Between the two, who's frustrated? It's certainly the body. Like, if the brain is sort of the president.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the body is the country.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The body is, like, trying to impeach. Like, it's, like, real.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or it can be trying to impeach. There's like a mutiny. And that's what, Like, I don't know if this is true, but it seems like that's what an illness is. It certainly is. What certain pains.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, when we do therapy, when I do parts work, like I did this morning, the first thing you do is identify where in the body is it. So it's like the president going to the population and saying, okay, I know I've been busy with Wordle. I know I've been thinking about movies I need to see. But now I am with you. You. You. You can have my attention. And they. And they speak to you. And it's always like the. The right side of my stomach or it's off in my throat, something shows up, and then I sit with it. It's like trying to be a good ruler, but the body is definitely the one that's like. Is any. What do we need to do? Like, we keep taking Advil instead of stretching. We keep having a cocktail instead of, you know, letting your mind rest. We keep all the things we're doing. Television and food. It's all. The brain is just like. And then there's you, and then there's the brain.

[Valerie]

Well, yes.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the American system, by the way. There's the present. The vice president or the cabinet is kind of like the brain's energy. Like, we will speak to him.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah, totally. Well, the. The metaphor that worked for me or works for me when I am. You know, this is what so much of somatic work is, is trying to restore the other.

[Pete Holmes]

Pertaining to the body, not Is trying. As weird as it sounds. Does it sound weird whenever you say somatic? I think shamanic.

[Valerie]

Mm, okay. But you're trying to restore the connection between your brain and body and use your brain, give your body way bigger of a seat at the table than it's probably had.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And really using your brain as a ma. As a servant to the body to, like, decode the body's messages as opposed to, like, a master. So I actually think it. It's helpful to think of it as, like, you are the couple's therapist, and the body and the brain are a fighting couple, and they're both frustrated with each other, and they are sort of feminine and masculine archetypes because the body is like, I don't need to fix anything. This feeling isn't a problem. Allow me to just feel it instead.

[Pete Holmes]

Of, God, give me a hot water bottle and just quiet night sitting with my feelings.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Otherwise I will have to just keep carrying this load for the hole.

[Pete Holmes]

And the brain is like, there were coyote droppings here. Which means there's probably buffalo nearby.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Or the brain is annoyed by the body's feelings because it's slowing down the efficiency of the whole system.

[Pete Holmes]

I just feel like trying to get rid of it, you know, the podcast Oscar.

[Valerie]

Isn't that a thing? Isn't there a potty or something?

[Pete Holmes]

But for once, we're not giving it to an impenetrable and marketed perfectly trio or duo or of mega celebrities.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We're giving it to Valerie.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

We're giving it to you. The shocker. Robert Dairo's Bobby's business doesn't win. Al Pacinos. Cappuccinos. Cappuccinos with Al Pacinos. The new podcast. How are we to compete in this market? I'm not even mad. I love our audience and we're doing just fine.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying. Tom and Colin, the Hanks boys. It's hard. It's hard out there. And I'm not gonna say for a pimp. Cause that sucks. If I send it's hard out there for a pimp.

[Valerie]

Oh, I see.

[Pete Holmes]

That sucks.

[Valerie]

I was like, is poor a guy.

[Pete Holmes]

Like me saying podcast? That's something Guy Fieri says and they cut it out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, oh, man, how do you keep this diner that only sells shoes deep fried and beef tallow going? It must be hard out there for a pit. It cuts right for a pit. It must be hard out. That Food Network will be right back. That's what Flora says. Comes back and he's like, oh, need your life. I spread it with a knife. The butter of my better half. I love her and she's a baby calf. I'm full of bull. Like, remember when we said wife that.

[Valerie]

Rhymes with life and knife shit. She's my better half.

[Pete Holmes]

Cause I went with butter better. I thought that was actually.

[Valerie]

But then it did leave to baby calf, which I didn't love.

[Pete Holmes]

But then I go and I'm full of bull.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I was gonna say, remember when we used to go to singers for everything?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I love you. No, exactly what I mean. You are the strongest link.

[Valerie]

They were the old.

[Pete Holmes]

That was it.

[Valerie]

Frank Sinatra owns an entire generation. Yes, he was.

[Pete Holmes]

Because he was their comedy. Yes, he was their sex appeal.

[Valerie]

He was the music, the only emotional outlet they had.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

He was the, like, romance, the like soothsayer.

[Pete Holmes]

He was. He was a comedian, he was a dancer. He was a prancer. He was a singer. And I'm sure in between. In fact, I'm positive he would tell stories about, like, I used to sing the song with my mother. I miss her. That was a podcast. He did a little podcast maybe every once in a while. He was like, a good way to cut cherry tomatoes is put them between two plates and run the blade between a 1, 2, 3, 4. Like, yeah, that's what we had before.

[Valerie]

I do think that's also what actors used to be because it was like, you know, vaudeville. And then that's.

[Pete Holmes]

You just didn't have the time to have five types of entertainment. There was one guy named Jimmy Shoeshine.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he'd be like, all of me because I'm full of bull.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like that hit the. The big drum and go.

[Valerie]

That's basically what it is. That All There Is, that song. I think I explained it to you recently where I was like. You said something about, like, what? I don't know, the verses of Is that All There Is? And I said that's because they improvise it. It's like the Aristocrats. Everybody does it differently.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And that's like a thing of that time where you were a singer.

[Pete Holmes]

How did he do it? Yes.

[Valerie]

And you were playing the piano and you were singing.

[Pete Holmes]

And then there were the bits that just got passed. Like, what a. Like, you can tell that we figured out a lot about food science based on just the fact that comedians all write their own material. You know what I mean? At a time when we were like, how many potatoes are there? Of course, the seven comedians with their patchy elbows and their floppy hats that they could pull down over their whole heads.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Of course, they were all saying the bits. The bits of the day because there weren't enough potatoes.

[Valerie]

Also because they couldn't be writing jokes. They were also learning how to, like, tap dance.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. And they needed to give anecdotes and.

[Valerie]

They had to, like, be able to sing and they had to act and they had to also look attractive still.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, for the time.

[Valerie]

For the time.

[Pete Holmes]

Which means you looked like a candle about halfway done.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but we. So my mom and I just recently watched a lot of the. Or a couple of the old movies that we used to watch when I was a kid. One of them is seven brides for seven brothers. You know, I've done.

[Pete Holmes]

This is just a seven brides for seven brothers.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that a Vegetales?

[Valerie]

Like 360 on seven brides for seven brides. Where? No, a 360 where I. What? I used to love it as a kid. And then, like, in college, I did a one. I did a 180 where I was like, this is horrible. This doesn't hold up. They're, like, kidnapping these women and taking them to the cabins and, you know.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, what is the plot?

[Valerie]

So, I mean, okay, one brother gets a bride.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean, gets a bride?

[Valerie]

Like, he free Range. He finds this girl and asks her to marry him, and she says yes. So it's consensual.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

But he did lie to her that he lives with his six other brothers, and she. And he basically married her to get someone to take care of all of these seven men.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. And so he does live with his six brothers. He. He lied in.

[Valerie]

He lied.

[Pete Holmes]

He lied in Omission. He didn't say, by the way, I live with six other guys.

[Valerie]

The part where we. My mom and I left so hard, where they're on their way to the house. So she doesn't know yet about the six brothers. And she says because she was.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a lot of clothes on the clothesline for one fella.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's basically that really, like, she's working at an inn before this and taking care of all these. The men there.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, great. And then she goes out of the frying pan.

[Valerie]

They get out, and they're like, in this beautiful meadow that's so clearly a set, but just looks gorgeous and perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And she's like, I've always dreamed about only having one man. One man to wash his clothes and take, you know, like, cook his dinner. And he, like, looks really guilty. And then she breaks into a song, but the song starts like this. So she's like, I've. I've always looked forward to only one man to tend to. Ding dong. Like, she starts singing this song that's like, what a wonderful day. And it's so funny. I don't know if they meant for.

[Pete Holmes]

It to be funny, because she's about to walk into service.

[Valerie]

We know that. And he knows that.

[Pete Holmes]

And she's like, I'm free as a bird. And. Yeah, finally, just one guy. Nothing to say about that. But that would be different if she knew he was lying. It would have a different tone. But she's actually completely in the dark.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But it is kind of. Yeah. So anyway, all of that is to say. And then they. They find six other girls. It sounds bad, and, you know, in parts it is bad, but the. The ways that it's really outdated actually do get addressed. Like, the. The woman has a lot of gumption, and she's like, you just wanted a maid, and I'm not. And she, like, you know, all the men, like, run to the table after she, like, announces that dinner's on the table, and she gets really mad and, like, turns the whole table over. So she's not, like, a helpless.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

Damsel in distress. All of that is to say, damsel.

[Pete Holmes]

In Distress in distress. Damsel in distress in distress.

[Valerie]

I just couldn't believe how, like, good looking everyone was. And they could all sing so perfectly. And not only could they dance, but the men in that are like, they're like acrobats. Like, they're dancing where they're like, now.

[Pete Holmes]

If you couldn't do a backflip in 1930, you're not going in the movie.

[Valerie]

They're literally, like, running on barrels.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. Yeah, of course. Running on barrels is the entry point. Can you run on a barrel? And then can you eat fire? Can you flip? We don't know if this is in the movie, but you never know. Horse ride, horse tricks. Like one foot on two horses.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And riding.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Holding a flag.

[Valerie]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you plant the flag inside the center of a donut and the cop goes, yoinksa, we only have enough money for one take. No problem, boss.

[Valerie]

The level of talent is unbelievable. Like, you can't even believe that they found as many people as the cast of that movie to do spectacle who can all do all of those things.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't know why. So you're better at me than at this? You're better than this. You're better at me than this.

[Valerie]

I'll take that challenge.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you're better than me at something about that bright washed out. Like, when I hear that, like, Paul Thomas Anderson is just constantly watching Turner Classic Movies.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just never not watching Turner Classic Movies and is obsessed with it. I see it. It looks like Mario Brothers to me. The blues are so blue. The reds are so red. Everybody's just so clean. And the sound is like, crackly, but also too clear.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just go like, oh, it's an old movie. Like, go away. I don't like it.

[Valerie]

Well, here's.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying I'm always that way, but I have to get over that if I'm going to enjoy an old movie.

[Valerie]

No, I hear you. In fact, I actually don't really like any. I'm sure there's. There's exceptions, but I'm just gonna have a hot take here. I. I don't really like any movie from the 70s. They all make me kind of feel like I have to poop.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want to give you another our apologies to Kevin Costner's Wild Wild west podcast. This year's Potty is going to Valerie.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

For that. Because the seventies is the feeling of hiding under a kitchen table with, you know, that fake kind of marble, plastic and rounded metal.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And the metal legs and the linoleum floor. You're under that table and you have to poop. That's the seventies.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's the seventies.

[Pete Holmes]

That's everything in the seventies.

[Valerie]

And I. Rosemary's.

[Pete Holmes]

You're telling me Rosemary's baby doesn't have to poop?

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

You're telling me Rosemary. The whole movie.

[Valerie]

The whole movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the devil's chasing you. Or is it a number two? Yeah, it's a number two. That's the seventies.

[Valerie]

But also I.

[Pete Holmes]

The seventies is. I'm sorry, this riff is still going. Is the most poop forward decade. Everybody in the 70s poops.

[Valerie]

Well, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

The belt buckles and the bell bottoms. It was like, you're pooping. You're out there pooping. The 60s is less poopy to me. 70s, booty, 80s, nobody even has a butthole anymore. No, it's nostrils and money.

[Valerie]

They were pooping so much in the.

[Pete Holmes]

70S, we got it all out. Yeah, but the Technicolor tam, tambourine.

[Valerie]

I mean, one of their favorite colors.

[Pete Holmes]

Brown.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Brown and orange. Brown.

[Valerie]

Orange.

[Pete Holmes]

They're so.

[Valerie]

What's that? Shag carpet hiding is what I. Shag.

[Pete Holmes]

Carpet is what you think about when you're trying to poop.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A Volkswagen bus.

[Valerie]

The smell of must, must, must.

[Pete Holmes]

Patchouli is like a very.

[Valerie]

It's a laxative.

[Pete Holmes]

I like the smell, but it's a laxative. It's a natural laxative. Sorry.

[Valerie]

Also, avocado green. Going back to the colors, they're all poop.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Our apologies to Martin Short and Steve Martin's podcast only podcasts about murders in the building. It's a big upset. Pete and Val won the potty this year. The Logan brothers. Sorry, I'm trying to think of celebrities.

[Valerie]

I know. You're doing great.

[Pete Holmes]

Am I?

[Valerie]

I think so.

[Pete Holmes]

Channing Tatum's chatting. Tatum did not win.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I think so. I like Kevin Costner's Wild Wild West.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I feel like that's what he would call.

[Valerie]

What was. What was.

[Pete Holmes]

Cappuccino. Cappuccino.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Talking with Bobby or Bobby.

[Valerie]

Bobby.

[Pete Holmes]

Bobby talking.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Bobby's talk. Something. But I do really like old movies. But here's the catch. It has to be a musical.

[Pete Holmes]

I get it. Singing in the Rain.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Like, I. I like Casablanca in theory. I never want to watch it. I never feel like watching it.

[Pete Holmes]

I. I need to watch it as a grown up because I think it's one of those, like. I feel very strongly about this. It's a movie that, if you Aren't an alcoholic man who. Okay, that's too much. If you aren't, like, a seasoned older man who's had regrets.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think you can understand Casablanca. And I'm not sure about that, but I remember seeing it and being like, what the fuck is this?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was also, like, 17.

[Valerie]

I was 17, too, I think, when I watched it. And I did enjoy, you know, Ingrid Bergman and, like, this idea of, like, a moody, broody man who is just, like, pining after you.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that the story? He's like, I love you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you walked into my.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Gin joints in all the world. Did he know her before?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's like, yeah.

[Valerie]

Back. But then he. She ended up going with the president of Czechoslovakia right at the end of the movie. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she gets on a plane, and it's just. Sad ending.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a tragedy.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Sad ending. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That also is confusing to me. I was like, if it's a sad ending, why did I pay $7?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is what it cost back then. Like, if I need sad endings, I can just read the paper.

[Valerie]

I remember it having a lot more to do with, like, politics than I wanted to.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, Jesus. You've just hit it like somebody's like, you don't know about the Suez Canal. I'm like, I didn't know there was reading. I needed to do the reading. I didn't do the summer reading.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This movie is, like, shaming me for not understanding, like, the Cuban Missile Crisis.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or the Bay of Pigs.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's so many things. I don't know any of those. I know.

[Valerie]

I'm amazed that you pull out. You pulled out. Suez Canal. Where is that? Where is it?

[Pete Holmes]

It's between sue and ez. I don't know. That is, like, by the way, we're on a plane, and this guy was flirting with the stewardess, and she. It was that stewardess. That was real funny. She kept saying, like, flight attendant, please.

[Valerie]

I'm just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I'm sorry. Flight attendant, you're right. Please put the seat down in the toilet. She kept making.

[Valerie]

Yes, I'm with you.

[Pete Holmes]

Multiple announcements to keep the seat.

[Valerie]

Seat down put. And she's like, oh, man. I just checked, and this seat is up already, you guys.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

She kept bringing.

[Pete Holmes]

Keeping us posted on this. I've never heard that as a thing.

[Valerie]

No. This is her.

[Pete Holmes]

She was having a moment. She was having her own flight. I remember she's on. And there was a guy and he. They were flirting.

[Valerie]

I know. Exactly what you're gonna say now.

[Pete Holmes]

And we were sitting across the room. We haven't talked about this.

[Valerie]

And we haven't talked about this.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you remember where he was from? I think it was Nebraska or something.

[Valerie]

It was Arkansas.

[Pete Holmes]

Arkansas. It was Arkansas.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he goes. And she was. She was sort of like, all right, Arkansas. Like, red. His jacket.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he was like, you don't know. Arkansas. Kind of like, being fun.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And she was like, sure, I do. And he's like.

[Valerie]

She's like, I've been to Arkansas.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, name three places in Arkansas.

[Valerie]

No. She said, yeah. Did he?

[Pete Holmes]

Or he goes, name three places in Arkansas. And she goes, arkansas. And like. I was like, are y' all gonna fuck right now?

[Valerie]

I know. They were really flirting.

[Pete Holmes]

It was, like, very classic flirting.

[Valerie]

It was fun.

[Pete Holmes]

Arkansas.

[Valerie]

Arkansas.

[Pete Holmes]

Anthropologically, what's going on there? Like, they're sniffing each other's butts like dogs. I don't mean they're dogs. I'm just saying, like, we're like animals. We go like, what are you about? Can you handle this? I can handle that. Can you handle this? And I was like, this is so fun. She did it so quick.

[Valerie]

It's so good.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is why it's dangerous. So many actors date people in that are on set with them because you're in the pocket. You're there.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're feeling chosen, you're feeling accepted. You're ready to do your craft. Maybe you just did the scene and it went really well. Now they're touching up your makeup. You think you're not gonna, like, be in the mood to do a little flirty flirt. Of course you are. And if they're flirting with you and you. This is not my thing. I'm just saying a lot of people I know end up dating, marrying their makeup person, their hair person, even, because it's the most flirtatious environment. Or it can be flirtatious.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. And even if I mean this in.

[Pete Holmes]

A good way, by the way, I know there have been scandals. I mean, like, playful summer camp, good inbounds, flirtation.

[Valerie]

It is like camp crushes. I. Even people who don't end up being dating. I feel like almost everyone who works on set would tell you that they get set crushes, like, every time. I. I mean, but this is. God help me. I would fall in love with somebody every single set.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I just. But I. I'm grateful for this voice. We've talked a lot about how my mom installed, like, a certain sort of cynicism. You want A little cynicism. Yeah, let's not even call it cynicism. Pragmatism, meaning I've been vibing with people on sets and just really cracking.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I'm like, this is camp. This is. I'm. All of my needs are met. Like specialness, purpose, fun.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even food, even coffee. Everything feeling great. Please have the discernment to go. Wait, we're on the Bachelor and we're in a hot air balloon.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Right now. This is in love. This is in real life.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't mean we have to be like. Like Conan met his wife doing a remote. So he's shooting a remote with her. You can see it online.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's in the zone and he's flirting, but then, you know, they date and it stood the test of time. But it's tricky if you spend a month. Like, I actually just was with the. Remember the director from St. Peter, this movie I did. I was so close with all those guys. The director, Josh, came to my show. I called him Jordan. And I've been living in regret, an appropriate amount of regret. I just don't want anyone to feel not cared for. And I was so tired. It was after the show and his name is Josh Klossner. And all it takes is that there's Jordan Kleppner from the Daily Show. So all I need is jk, JK Jordan. And I'm calling him Jordan with full confidence. I go, val, you remember Jordan? And he was so cool about it. He just goes, you know my name is Josh, right? And I was like, yeah, I tried first. I went, yeah, but that's the bit. Oh, God, yeah. Why is it always bad acting? Yeah, of course that's the bit. And I think I was like Jordan Peterson, like the fucking worst. Why I didn't just go, I'm burnt out. I just did an hour of stand up on toast.

[Valerie]

I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I just should have owned it.

[Valerie]

I would have been. We go straight. That's the funny that when you're embarrassed, you go straight to like. No, I didn't mean it. Like. It's like Ellen's bit about, like when you trip and you turn it into a run. Just started jogging for no reason. I just thought maybe I'd just start jogging or.

[Pete Holmes]

It's similar when I was. Remember, I forget where we were. We were at the Gunkers. I went to the grocery store and I got. I needed to get like bug spray.

[Valerie]

And I love this, like a story.

[Pete Holmes]

A thing of milk. Let's say. Yeah. And then I'm leaving.

[Valerie]

I'm just running in really quick.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

I'm gonna get bug spray and milk.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I'm leaving. And there's people soliciting donations to something really good, too. Like a great cause. And they go, excuse me, sir. Do you have a moment for the children? And I just went, I'm just getting a couple things.

[Valerie]

Like, I was like, I'm just getting a couple things.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just getting a couple things. What does that have to do with me and the children?

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was like, I'm not even. I'm not even a grocery store person.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just skimming the surface of this lake. Find someone who's doing a real proper shop. They can help the children. I just wanted bug spray. Just getting a couple things.

[Valerie]

I said something awkward to somebody at a party recently. Oh. At Rob Bell's pool party, we didn't know anybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Rbp.

[Valerie]

Leela, like, instantly made friends with the other kids there, and they had been playing all day, and I had just, like. I was just not feeling like I had my social wherewithal.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't wait to tell you the laundry list of weird things I said at that party.

[Valerie]

Okay. So they were like, who is this couple?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

But eventually, at the end of the party, the mom of the other kids was like, wow, they really got along. And I was like, I know. I'm so happy they found themselves.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Okay, I'm gonna join you in the parlor. Last night, we were waiting for a table at this restaurant here in town. I took Leela on a little walk. We saw our friend Seth in the shop talking to a friend of his who I've never met. We go in and we say, hello, very small town. We're talking to him. We're talking to the lady. Very nice. Later, I see that lady again when we're walking to our car. And I was like, oh, I hope you had a fun time with Seth. And I wanted to say, we love him.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Hope you're having fun with Seth. We love him. But then I realized I'm also talking to her. Never met this lady. I went, we love you guys. And I'm just roping her in. Hope you had fun with Seth. We love you guys. I was like, that's. That's the fastest meeting to saying I love you in human history. It was moments. We love you.

[Valerie]

We love you.

[Pete Holmes]

The biggest thing you can say, bye, Mom.

[Valerie]

I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

Bye, Mom. It's my favorite onion headline. Businessman Accidentally ends business call by saying, I love you. At that same party, Rob Bell's pool party.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I met a guy, an older guy named Doc. And then I met an older guy named Avi.

[Valerie]

And it was.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm just calling Avi Doc. And then at the end he goes, well, it was nice to me. Just, my name is Avi. He didn't know I was calling him Doc because there was a guy named Doc there. He just thought I was Richard Pryor. You got it, Doc. Hey, Doc.

[Valerie]

I saw all of that.

[Pete Holmes]

You saw all of it.

[Valerie]

I didn't know, though, that there was another guy named Doc. So I thought Avi did have that as a. As a nickname and that he had told you that off camera.

[Pete Holmes]

I called him Doc. It's. It's Myron. It's the. The Meyerowitz Report. It's one of my favorite movies. Adam Sandler and his daughter sing a song called Byron. Just call. You just called someone named Byron Myron. Just say it with confidence and look him in the eye.

[Valerie]

So good.

[Pete Holmes]

Melts my heart, that movie. That's the kind of. I mean, there's aspects of that relationship that aren't quite right. But that dad. Daughter thing.

[Valerie]

I am absolutely in love with Adam Sandler as a girl dad.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

Which he is. And the other movie that it shows up is Spanglish, which I think is such an underrated movie. I absolutely love that movie and every single scene with him and that his daughter. I'm weeping.

[Pete Holmes]

I know I've said this before. The. The. The. I've said this before. Who cares? I think the genius of Sandler is you can see him tender. You can see him angry.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You can see him horny. You can see him silly.

[Valerie]

You can see him like, stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

You can see him stupid. You can also see him smart.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

He's. He. You're ready to believe anything. The hard ones, I think. I know horny sounds like a joke, but I actually think a lot of actors that cross over a certain threshold, whether or not they ever even do sex scenes is. You can see them being sensual.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like Ryan Gosling. We go, I believe that this is a sexual person. He goes up in my book.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I can see him being silly. Gosling. Similar. Angry. Less. Sandler's got a lock on anger.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying Gosling can't be angry, but when Sandler. That's when Sandler. That's why Paul Thomas. Coming up again. He cast him in Punch Drunk Love is because he was like, I can See, underneath your veneer, there's a bubbling inferno of rage. And he's like. And that's what I want in this character. So, like, the three dimensional people become the three dimensional actors, and nobody beats the sand.

[Valerie]

Yeah, the Sandman. He really is so good at that. Being angry, all of those things.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's also the still angry. He's like, what the fuck did you just eat?

[Valerie]

But then he's also the screaming angry.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

Like rang. Gosling can do angry really well, but.

[Pete Holmes]

He does it with restraint.

[Valerie]

He does it with restraint. Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Sandler's full. So if you remember in Punch Drunk Love, he flips the crowbar and crowbar and breaks. That's hard to say. Crowbar and breaks. Crowbar and breaks.

[Valerie]

Crowbar, crowbar and breaks.

[Pete Holmes]

Breaks a window. Like, you have to believe that he would take on three men in a truck and Gosling would do that. But he'd do it cool. Yeah, he'd flip it twice.

[Valerie]

Like drive.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's like, exactly like drive. And he'd do it without emotion.

[Valerie]

Although in the Notebook, he's angry. He has a great angry scene in the Notebook and he's like, yelling, and it's really sexy.

[Pete Holmes]

See, but those are related. It's like the. If there's certain actors. And I'm not trying to, like, drag Tim Allen. Drag. I'm just saying, like, Tim Allen is great. It's silly that. I go right to Buzz Lightyear, but Santa Claus, he's great. He's great in all these movies and he has some sex and he has a little bit of anger. But, like, when you can turn those up and be like, I can really see you fuck. And I can really see you fight.

[Valerie]

And I see your vulnerability in everything that you're doing. Like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's the thing about Adam Sandler is, like, you're. He's so vulnerable, soulful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're a little worried about. You're worried about in Uncut Gems the whole time.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're just like, stop, stop.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When he's like, I'm gonna come, you're like, this guy is a nerve. He's a open nerve you wanna protect. And he's simultaneously strong and you're terrified for him at the same time.

[Valerie]

God, good acting is the most impressive thing.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. What about Clune? Clooney? You never. You know, Clooney is also very still. Still angry.

[Valerie]

Very still.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I understand there's something behind you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, he's threatening them like that. That payphone's gonna.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I feel like the way. The way Clooney would show anger is just like a twitch of the jaw.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, jaw acting.

[Valerie]

Jaw acting.

[Pete Holmes]

But T. Cruise, you can. But I know there's rumors that T. Cruise is gay, that who cares, by the way? But also, he's sexual. You can see him. Oh, you can see him eating, too.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I could see T. Cruise. And this is essential. It's like running for president, running for movie star. I need to believe that you would eat a cheeseburger and be like, go, that's good. Like, you can really see it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Same with sex and same with fighting. That's Cruz.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He gets really intense. And he can eat and he can fuck and he can fight. That's what you want.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he can feel. What is this?

[Valerie]

Eat, fuck, fight, feel.

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome. I'm gonna teach an acting class. No one will come. I come out from backstage wearing a beret, and I have a cigarette that's 99 ash. It's the whole cigarette.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I just go, feel, fuck, fight. What was the last one? Food. Food. Feed, feed, feel, fight. All the greats. Well, Denzel, of course. Yeah, of course. Food. Can't you see Denzel licking his fingertips?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Having just eaten something amazing.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Brad Pitt.

[Pete Holmes]

And of course you can see him fight. Brad Pitt is. He's feeding, he's feeling, and he's. Fight club.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Look, look, if we won the potty. What you want?

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, I know you could be listening to Brad Pitt and George Clooney on the Ocean's eleven Rewatch podcast, because out there, it's hard for a. That would be the best ending. Just say, keep it.

[Valerie]

Keep it crispy.