We Made It Weird #227

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We Made It Weird #227"

Podcast: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Episode: We Made It Weird #227
Date: September 20, 2025
Hosts: Pete Holmes & Valerie

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Overview

This episode is a classic blend of comedic riffing and honest conversation between Pete Holmes and Valerie. The duo explores the nature of "secret weirdness," riffing on pop culture, American identity, creative struggle, and the quirks of relationships. The episode seamlessly transitions from playful nonsense into meaningful insights about what it means to be a creative person in a world that's often more impressed by networking and business savvy than by art or kindness. The energy is loose, genuine, and filled with affectionate teasing.

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Episode Breakdown

1. Riffing on Pop Culture and Musicality (00:15–08:56)

• Pete and Valerie kick off with their trademark energetic greeting, playfully debating how Pete delivers his intro.
• They muse about how artists (like Paul Simon) sometimes purposefully sing flat to add "humanity," likening it to their own love of mixing things up for the audience.
• "Like how Paul Simon every once in a while is flat on purpose." – Valerie (00:42)
• Digression into the difference between parody made by fans and those made more for commercial reasons:
  • Criticism of Spaceballs: Not enough love for Star Wars.
  • Praise for the Family Guy Star Wars specials: "It's because Seth MacFarlane and Seth Green and all the Seths love Star Wars so much." – Pete (03:47)
• Nostalgia and generational humor surface when discussing Spinal Tap, notably how younger generations always saw hair metal as a joke.

2. Harmonicas, Sound of Music Nazis, and Riffing on Movie Tropes (09:00–18:04)

• Discussion of “turning it on” as performers, and what it means to have a ‘showperson adjacent’ personality.
• Bit about the harmonica’s deceptive simplicity; riffing that it’s harder than it looks, and jokes about harmonicas in prison.
• Pete and Valerie lampoon movie tropes, touching on Forrest Gump ("run, Forrest, run"), the expectation for movie protagonists to be good at something, and the Western ideal of the functional, skillful hero.
• "If he just tried harder. That was just the approach [in my house]." – Pete (15:15)
• The Big Lebowski and the appeal of “chilling out,” likening the character to a modern cowboy, and discussing what makes a hero identifiable in American culture.

3. Kissing Cousins, American Culture, and Food Factories (18:05–34:09)

• The concept of “kissing cousins,” leading to a humorous analysis of how Americans form familial bonds beyond actual blood relation.
• Pete shares a patriotic moment, joking about American innovations: “God damn it. We make roller coasters for fun.”
• Extended riff on factory-produced foods, specifically the making of Snickers (“the nougat alone looked like God’s ideas”). Both hosts get silly with the fantasy of how much they adore the sight of nougat and peanut butter.
• "I want it to fill me up like caulk…I want it to enter me in a new kind of way." – Pete (21:44)
• Anecdote about Jerry Seinfeld’s private bathroom while performing – likened to wanting a private entrance for nougat into your body.

4. Capitalism, Winners, and the Myth of Meritocracy (34:10–41:53)

• Pete critiques the American tendency to let successful people and corporations “get away with innumerable crimes” because of their status (“We are the Air Bud…If the dog can catch the football, put it in the game.” – Pete, 35:42).
• Valerie points out it's not really about winning but about addiction to products ("They've gotten us addicted to whatever their product is." – Valerie, 34:50).
• Discussion of Trump and the mythos of "the winner" in American culture, connecting it to the Hunger Games and the allure of being pulled out of poverty.
• Playful speculation about presidents’ authenticity, from Carter to Reagan.

5. Cops, Cousin Math, and Genealogy (41:54–47:28)

• Quick aside about the Cops TV show and commentary on law enforcement's portrayal on TV.
• Valerie recounts a family conversation about what “kissing cousins” really means, reflecting on family trees and how complicated genealogy terms are.
• "My brain can't hold boring information…I'm allergic to boring information." – Valerie (41:53)
• Concludes that by the time you get to second or third cousins, “inbreeding that the Royal family does is absolutely acceptable.”

6. Human Animal Nature, American Cleanliness, and Avoidance (47:29–55:02)

• Pete expands on the “ick” factor associated with reproduction and genealogy ("we are this species, and it keeps like…it's so yuck and we don't look at it").
• Valerie connects this “ick” to America’s sanitized consumer culture (cellophaned food, movies that gloss over birth and death, etc.).
• Giving birth as an act of letting go of civility and embracing animal instincts (“let the monkey do it”), using her own birth story as an example.
• Shows the contrast between American ideals of progress and the primal nature – "That's why Doritos is the most American thing, is that it's like, let's get this so far from food…" – Valerie (49:58)
• Dialogue about embracing versus denying our animal natures, both culturally and personally.

7. Creativity, Collaboration, and Navigating the Professional World (55:03–66:38)

• Pete and Valerie compare their creative personalities, referencing Enneagram types: Pete as a "3" (Achiever/American type), Valerie as a "9" (Peacemaker/pre-industrial, tribal life).
• They discuss the tension between wanting a quiet, nurturing domestic life and the drive to achieve in the public sphere.
• Insightful talk about creative work vs. self-promotion or networking. Pete: "The strengths of a creative person aren't always aligned with the strengths of someone who can, like, write emails and network and all this fucking business bullshit." (01:19)
• Valerie admits to struggling with the “business” side, wanting a producer for her life, finding it hard to advocate for herself (“I have had this thought where I’m like, well, I’m a nine, and I’m a Pisces and I’m a hobbit…” – Valerie, 58:57).
• Pete explains the need for artists to be their own “fluffer,” to keep their creative spirit alive while waiting for external validation (“The only way to keep your boner is to touch it yourself. That’s the perfect metaphor.” – Pete, 57:29).
• They debate styles of following up and advocating in a career, and how much personality affects that process.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• "Like how Paul Simon every once in a while is flat on purpose." – Valerie (00:42)
• “Spaceballs…it’s not made by a fan of Star Wars. If I may, my Batman videos are made by someone who loves and is obsessed…” – Pete (03:01)
• "The nougat alone looked like God’s ideas." – Pete (21:39)
• “I want it to enter me in a new kind of way.” – Pete (21:52)
• “If the dog can catch the football, put it in the game.” [on American exceptionalism] – Pete (35:42)
• “My brain can’t hold boring information. I’m allergic to boring information.” – Valerie (41:53)
• “Sex is obviously glorified and sensationalized, but…all of it is pretty yuck.” – Pete (48:22)
• “Let the monkey do it.” [on childbirth] – Valerie (52:18)
• “You have to make things happen for yourself for so long before anybody invites you to do anything.” – Valerie (61:39)
• “The only way to keep your boner is to touch it yourself.” [on self-motivation] – Pete (57:29)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:15: Intro banter, discussing musicality & Paul Simon
• 03:01: Spaceballs vs. Family Guy Star Wars Phan-dom
• 13:03: Harmonica banter, Bob Dylan, and playing music badly
• 21:39: Obsessing over Snickers nougat in food factories
• 34:09: On winners, American mythos, and corporate crime
• 41:53: Valerie’s rant about cousin math & inbreeding
• 48:22: Broaching the “yuck” of being an animal species
• 52:18: Valerie’s birth story, embracing animal instinct
• 57:29: Self-motivation as a creative (“keep your boner alive”)
• 61:39: On creative strengths vs. business/social strengths

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Tone and Style

• Warm, irreverent, and deeply self-aware
• Oscillates between absurdist jokes and heartfelt vulnerability
• Genuine domestic banter and honest conversations about marriage, ambition, and anxiety
• Frequent affectionate teasing and open discussion around the challenges of being both artists and “ordinary people”

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a great example of the chemistry between Pete Holmes and Valerie: two creative people digging into the nitty-gritty of everyday weirdness, relationships, and what it takes to thrive creatively. The blend of silly riffs, confessional honesty, and philosophical exploration make it valuable not just for laughs but for anyone navigating creative work and modern existence.

“Keep it crispy.” – Pete Holmes (69:27)

Transcript

[A]

You made it with. You made it with.

[B]

You made it with. Oh, yeah, you made it with. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[A]

What's happening, weirdos? What? Was that a weird one?

[B]

No, what I liked. Felt a little frosted glass. What?

[A]

What's happening, weirdos?

[B]

Like. Like you're. Like, you have an ear infection and you can't quite hear your own pitch.

[A]

What's happening, weirdos?

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

I know, but I like to do it different. I like to mix it up. No, Now I feel insecure.

[B]

What's happening, weirdos?

[A]

What's happening, weirdos?

[B]

Like how Paul Simon every once in a while is flat on purpose. And I know I make that example. I use that example a lot.

[A]

I know, and I'm not. Have you heard him say that?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. I think you're making that up.

[B]

Making flat.

[A]

It's out of you and me.

[B]

Yeah. It's not that he's flat. He's. There's something kind of jazz trumpet about him. He'll be kind of like. Yeah, like a little.

[A]

Yeah. I don't.

[B]

He's not just being, like, pristine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's being very human. We're glad you're here. I love this episode.

[A]

This episode's a little, like, towards the end, it's like inside. Inside Baseball. I don't want to say that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I just mean, like, inside our.

[B]

If you want a table of contents, the first 30 is, like, a lot of riffing, and I'm loving it. And the last 15, I would say we're talking a little bit more about one of the things we love to talk about, which is the pursuit of a creative endeavor and how the strengths of a creative person aren't always aligned with the strengths of someone who can, like, write emails and. And network and all this fucking business bullshit. Yeah. I think that's no matter what you're trying to do. There's a blend of head and heart for all things. And that's what we're talking about.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. So if that's interesting to you, do nothing. Just keep listening.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like falling asleep at night. You want to dream? Just do nothing.

[A]

Just do nothing.

[B]

This. This episode's coming.

[A]

Yeah. Keep doing what you're doing.

[B]

In fact, this is it. This is Spaceballs, the movie. You don't know that part of Spaceballs?

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[B]

Dirty confession. Never loved Spaceballs.

[A]

I know you didn't. I understand. I kind of am with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I wish I liked it. More.

[B]

Look, you tell me you're gonna make a Star wars comedy.

[A]

Yeah. And then it kind of Mel Brooks.

[B]

It kind of has the flavor of like Broadway or something.

[A]

Well. Cause it's Mel Brooks, right?

[B]

Yeah. No, no. Yeah, maybe.

[A]

I would love it now. It said too much the last time. Truly. The last time I watched it, I was 17 and I had the shingles. So it's not really fair.

[B]

I'll say this. And this is just. This is just bonus content. You guys don't know, but by hearing this, you just signed up for our non existent Patreon.

[A]

That's right, jk.

[B]

Oh, shit. It's not. This is what. I was excited. It's not made by a fan of Star Wars. If I may, My Batman videos are made by someone who loves and is obsessed and has seen those movies. I would bet Mel Brooks has seen A New Hope twice.

[A]

Yeah. Interesting. Okay.

[B]

I think he was like, I got it.

[A]

I got it.

[B]

They're out there in the pajamas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I love Mel Brooks. There's no shade here. I'm just saying it wasn't the, like. Mm. Of we fucking love this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, when you watch the hot take. But if you watch the Family Guy Star wars special, I think that's phenomenal.

[A]

Really?

[B]

It's because Seth MacFarlane and. And Seth Green and all the Seths love Star wars so much. That is actually. Sorry. I hope I'm not losing all these purists of Spaceballs. But, like, we were talking about Spinal Tap too, right? We never grew up in a time where we didn't think hair metal people were ridiculous. We always thought they were ridiculous.

[A]

I.

[B]

But that movie is made by a guy that was like, yeah, but, you know, these guys are ridiculous. And we're like, yeah, we've been knowing that those guys are ridiculous.

[A]

And it was like a time where it was like, so cool on stage. And we're like, are they.

[B]

Yeah, they were the guys. Carl Reiner or Rob Reiner?

[A]

Who? Rob Reiner. Rob Reiner.

[B]

Welcome back to Rob or Carl. Rob Reiner was, like, representing the humor of. Look at David Bowie and Mick Jagger. They're so awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But probably behind the scenes, they're like, this one goes up to 11, right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But we were like. We grew up post Spinal Tap. We always had that. So every time I've seen David Bowie, no matter how cool he is, I see him putting on his makeup and I see him complaining that the tuna has been sitting out. Like, I can't not think of him. I never bought that. This was a sexy alien that came here to rock our bodies.

[A]

Yeah, get. But. But most people have but do so anyway.

[B]

That's true. My hot take is the Family Guy. Star wars was. Was clearly made by fans and there's a quality to that that I don't feel in Spaceballs. Welcome to. No one gives a about. No one gives a about this.

[A]

I know that because of volume control. That wasn't that loud to you guys. That was so loud.

[B]

So loud.

[A]

It was right in my ear.

[B]

So. Oh, I'm late for a call. Okay, Everybody go to PeteHomes.com for my tour dates and Katie roll the only. We only have two little ads and then we'll jump right in. Here are the ads. I mentioned in the intro that I'm not feeling very well and I'm not. I got some sort of cold and when I am feeling this way I am loading up on Element. You guys know I love Element. We're always talking about healthy hydration and that water isn't enough that you need water and electrolytes. And I'm always reminding you that in the 90s that meant drinking like a flat red soda that had a little salt in it. That's not the same. Element is science backed and it is dialed in and there is no BS in there. It's the optimum ratio of potassium, magnesium and sodium to flood every cell in your body. Fighting off brain fog, fatigue, cramps, feel. Being hydrated just makes you feel fantastic. And and it tastes amazing. Element gets you drinking more water because it tastes great. The lemonade salt is a game changer. It was a temporary flavor. Now it is my go to obsession. I also love the watermelon salt. You can also try the sparkling waters that they sell online which are fantastic and ships direct to you. You can try it. Get the sample pack. A free sample pack. When you use our promo code weird at checkout you can try citrus salt, raspberry salt, watermelon salt and orange salt. Two packs, two sticks of each flavor with any purchase. When you use promo code weird. So support your body. Support this show. Go to drinklmnt.com weird get that free sample pack with any purchase. That's drinklmnt.com weird. I'm going to be chugging it all day because it's one of the only things that makes me feel better when I am sick. And I also just love jump starting every single day with an element. So get into it. We're also brought to us by our friends at Ritual Multivitamin. I've been touring all around. And I never, ever, ever leave my ritual at home. The Essential for Men is a daily go to. I absolutely love it. It's transparent. It doesn't break down in your stomach. It breaks down in your lower intestine, which is where nutrients are actually absorbed, which also means it's gentle on your stomach. If you take zinc or something like that on an empty stomach, typically you'll feel nauseous. Ritual breaks down in a delayed release capsule. And that delayed release capsule has a minty fresh flavor which I have become incredibly not just dependent on, but enjoy enjoying on. That's not a way to talk. They share the source, supplier and scientific research backing each active ingredient. So you know what you're putting in your body and why. We're talking about science backed multivitamins for men 18 and over with high quality traceable ingredients in clean bioavailable forms, including omega 3 DHA, which supports heart and brain function, vitamin D3. We're talking about the best of the best. Get it in you. I can tell you I used to go to the doctor and they would say you have all these gaps and now that no longer happens. It is a game changer. So Essential for Men is a quality multivitamin from a company you can actually trust. Get 25% off your first month for a limited time at ritual.com weird. That's ritual.com weird for 25% off your first month. All right, everybody. So glad you're here.

[A]

Valerie, get into it.

[B]

I'm just going to start recording.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We're talking about, we're talking about turning it on.

[A]

Turning it on.

[B]

Turning it on.

[A]

You know what? But turn it on.

[B]

But yeah, well, like show people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you and I being show people. Adjacent. Okay, Well, I mean, adjacent show person. I don't own a tambourine. I have no flared pants. I've. I have no, like caked on. Very good.

[A]

I don't keep like our home harmonica in my pocket.

[B]

Oh my God. If the guitar was closer, I was like, what?

[A]

What do you know that when I was 16 going on.

[B]

Can I say I've always hated. I am 16 going on 17.

[A]

Going on 17.

[B]

We're all.

[A]

Yeah, we're all going.

[B]

I'm 46, going on 47. You just wasted. Are you trying to chip away at the time with phrases like that? Well, I think it's like I'm close to being 17.

[A]

Yeah. What I mean, like, I'm barely legal.

[B]

Is 17 the age of consent in Nazi occupied musicals? I think the Nazis were so aggressive they actually weren't even written into the Sound of Music. They just invaded it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was all improv.

[A]

I mean, it really.

[B]

Every scene with the Nazis are improv.

[A]

When you watch it, it really does feel like all of a sudden the Nazis invaded this beautiful, joyful movie that I just watched.

[B]

Right. It was a bowl of soup and then suddenly it's a bowl of soup and Nazis. Right.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's warm, comforting, cozy, pleasant.

[A]

Abandoned the metaphor and now it's dumped on your lap. That's what I was expecting.

[B]

Something in the soup world. Not just Nazis. I thought that was the charm.

[A]

It was.

[B]

Oh, it was.

[A]

That's why I laughed.

[B]

Oh, my God. Go ahead then.

[A]

Oh, just going back to the harmonica, which is what we all want to do, right?

[B]

Have you ever heard a harmonica played that doesn't sound like. They'll figure it out.

[A]

You, You. We have talked about this, I think, at least in our life. Because that's how you feel about Bob Dylan.

[B]

Yeah. Because it's like. It's always like this. Too many notes. I want it to be like.

[A]

Yeah, that. We've discovered this on this podcast before. You want it to be a flute.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry, Lady Harmonica. Lady Harmonica's joined the chat.

[A]

I do. It's.

[B]

It's too forgiving.

[A]

No, I do feel passionate about this. Because you want a recorder.

[B]

Yeah, I want it to be like a recorder and a har.

[A]

Way better.

[B]

A recorder is. I don't know how to put it. I was going to relate it to politics. It's just a little too.

[A]

A harmonica. What I like about a harmonica is.

[B]

That politics.

[A]

Is that it sounds like you should be able to play it and make it sound good, but you can't. But like, you can't. You can't. It's. It's easier. I mean, it's harder than it looks. Which I guess isn't what you want.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I mean, that was pretty good. I will say this, that.

[B]

You immediately bailed.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Blow it out and suck it in is two different notes. You can just go back. And also, why were they handing out harmonicas in prison? Some good natured guard was like, you know what?

[A]

They can at least have this. There's no sharp edges.

[B]

And were they sharing it? Was it in a cake? Perhaps. But then as soon as you blow it, the jig. Yeah, she's up.

[A]

Well, our daughter was playing this. She wanted me to play Christmas music that she could then play the harmonica to. And luckily Jingle Bell Rock is in the Key of C, I'm guessing. Yep. This is a C. Gotta get a C. Get a C. Also, harmonica is cool on its own. It's pretty cool in the headgear. Miraculously.

[B]

Unbelievably, unbelievably, unbelievably.

[A]

Purely probably thank. Like, you can thank Bob Dylan for that.

[B]

Before that, it was like, here come the leg braces of me. I'm not trying to put down leg braces. I'm just saying. No one looked at Forrest Gump. We have merged. You're telling me Forest, pre Run. By the way, if you're a person in Leg Break, this is. None of this is trying to be funny in any way. That could be operation style. Okay. This is all. Everyone is welcome to this riff. In fact, I'm advocating. Yeah, you are wearing leg braces. You go and see Forrest Gump, and he just runs them off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He just had gumption.

[A]

Yeah. He just needed someone to tell him to run.

[B]

The cure was run.

[A]

Forced run.

[B]

Well, yeah. Try a little harder.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Did they consider run, run, forest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or run. It's run, forest, run. Could have been forest, run, run.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But only the magic.

[A]

They tried everything before they got run, forest, run. A lot of people don't know that.

[B]

People don't know that. Just saying, how pissed are you in the audience getting represented and then being like, every dad's idea, which is like, if he just tried harder.

[A]

Yes. You could do this.

[B]

Like I'm saying this, actually, again, just to be clear. I'm saying this growing up in a household where people had different neurotypes and the feeling was just sucking, trying harder.

[A]

To be like me.

[B]

Just be normal.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be normal.

[B]

That was it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's not me saying just be normal. That was just the approach.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just run, Forrest.

[B]

Just run.

[A]

You can do it.

[B]

You can run. But what if you can't? That's the burn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What if he's stunk at ping pong? We wouldn't watch the movie.

[A]

We have he. They have to be good at. Isn't that the thing he has to win? Like, if he. Like, that's almost this. Well, there is Save the Cat, but then there's also that they have to.

[B]

Be good at their job.

[A]

That's the number one to be good at something. Otherwise, our Western.

[B]

We won't accept ideals.

[A]

Won't even. The Big Lebowski is good at bowling.

[B]

Yes. And he was good at, like, chilling out.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Like, in the weirdest way, he's kind of like. He's not struggling. He's not. Like. There's no scene where the Big Lebowski is looking at a pile of bills.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And just going, what am I gonna do? He's gaming his landlord. This is America. He's great. He's like a gunslinger. Gunslingers don't have jobs. They're just walking into saloons and helping people or whatever.

[A]

That's why the cowboy likes him. That's why Sam Elliott's character likes him, is that he's like, I'm shaking.

[B]

This is just quality podcasting. I just really. Every episode, we're like, do we have anything? And then leg brace to forest to run. Forest run. Which was weaker. It was weaker, but we let it go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now we're back to the Big Lebowski is a cowboy, which is why Sam Elliott likes him.

[A]

Yeah. He's a modern. At the time. Modern day cowboy.

[B]

You're a modern day me. I don't have it today.

[A]

That was good. I thought beef.

[B]

It's what's for dinner.

[A]

I really can't do it right now.

[B]

Because you're such a lady. My is such a lady. She can't even do Elliot, and she can't. That was Cat Williams. I don't know how Cat Williams came out.

[A]

Oh, Cat's with us.

[B]

He's with us. I'll tell it all. Eddie Griffin loves Skittles. Like, he's out of things to.

[A]

He's only. His only references are just other comedian snack foods that they have in the green room.

[B]

LL Cool J's rider has tomato bisque. I think you scraped the bottom of the barrel. You don't have any more good P. Diddy stuff. No, Cat, very funny. No drag. Cat very funny. Cat, very funny.

[A]

Anyway, going back to the harmonica, which is so funny to go back to because it's not. It's nothing.

[B]

We're also talking about being good at your job. I was gonna say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We all know that every. You know, this is a bummer, and this isn't Democracy Now.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

So in case you thought you had the dial on Democracy now, you're actually on waf, the alternative station in Boston.

[A]

Is that what it was?

[B]

Aaf? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

We. The only station I can remember from 104.1, I think, is 147, 107.9 K U, Z, Z. Country music in Bakersfield.

[B]

Cuz. Cuz. Is that because they're all having sex with cousins? Maybe. Yikes. I went right to sex.

[A]

You.

[B]

You went to kissing cousins. The Gentler riff, which is way cuter.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Speaking of Jesus, you looked out the window and lit up. Sandy Claus was here.

[A]

I look out the window almost this entire podcast. I'm always looking out that window.

[B]

I know. I love that. Can I. Can I finish this down point? Will you. Can you hold on to this?

[A]

Yes. Just remind me. Kissing cousins.

[B]

No problem. Most of the day, jk. Although all my cousins were fake cousins. I didn't have, like, relationship with my real cousins. Everybody that I called a cousin.

[A]

So you get to talk about.

[B]

This is good podcasting. This is relationship. I love this show.

[A]

I did not.

[B]

I love this show. That was great. I'm just saying, Anna, my cousin is not my cousin. She's my mom's best friend. Daughter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, of course, I have a cousin relationship with her.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, like, that's how I categorize her in her mind, but transcends blood. Anyway, Here we go. I was like, Amazon. Sometimes I catch myself. You know me, I'll have these, like, flare ups of, like, I have more American pride than you. And I'm not trying to get in on that sweet bargazzi money. I'm not. I'm not trying to. I'm not trying to fill bigger venues. And by the. I don't know. I'm being so sensitive. I love Nate. I'm just saying I'm not, as his specialist called, the most extraordinary average American. But I do have more, like, occasional flare ups of, like, sure.

[A]

Well, it's your country. You are a straight white man.

[B]

How dare you?

[A]

This is your country.

[B]

You're a straight white lady. You're just me with one Y chromosome.

[A]

It makes a big difference.

[B]

All right.

[A]

No, you're right. You're right.

[B]

I'm jk. It does.

[A]

I'm very, very.

[B]

I'm not dying on this hill. I'm very not dying on this hill.

[A]

You're.

[B]

Whatever you need me to say, I've said it.

[A]

All right? Get the credit for that.

[B]

The worst thing to say.

[A]

Whatever I'm supposed to say here, I said it.

[B]

That is really funny. See, I thought it was funny. When you said it, it was clear that that's a funny kind of funny. What's funny? When you said it. Anyway, so I'll be like, wow, America really has. For such a young country. It's incredible that we're at the forefront of so many technological things now. A lot of that does have to do with immigrants. Immigrants are a huge part of it. So it's not just like our bloodlines or anything fucked up about that? Because I do understand that when I see an American flag, my first feeling isn't a good feeling, just a kind of concede to your side. I know we're a troubled mishmash.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But occasionally I'll just rock out and be like, God damn it. We make roller coasters for fun. We've been watching videos on how they make Snickers. By the way, if you're going to watch a factory candy video, skip over M and M's. Skip over, skip over. All of them. Just go straight to Snickers because, motherfucker, the nougat is mixed with peanut butter. And the nougat alone looked like God's. It looked like God's ideas.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like the mind of God is a nougat in a mass mixer.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then, as if it wasn't, we always say, put it in my butt. I don't know why. I just want it so close to me.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

I want it to fill me up like caulk.

[A]

I want it to enter me in a new kind of way.

[B]

I want. A new mouth. Isn't enough.

[A]

It doesn't get the. The average orifice.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

It needs. No, it needs its own door. A private entrance.

[B]

Private. When Jerry Seinfeld played the Governor's Comedy Club, which we filmed crashing at, they showed me a bathroom. They said, this is the Seinfeld bathroom because he wouldn't play this club unless they. It was in his rider. I don't think Jerry was like, I need a bathroom. I think it's in his rider. There needs to be a private bathroom attached to the green room.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

By the way, as a comedian. Fucking A. That's perfect. I've worked a lot of clubs where before the show, you're just peeing between two people in the audience. Fine for me. Not so chill for Jerry.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

So he gets a bathroom built. That is how I feel about God's cockpit.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Caulk. God's giant white.

[A]

I hate it anyway. I hate it. I hate caulk.

[B]

You wouldn't bleep this on pbs. Caulk. Caulk it. Look. Nougat looks like God. Okay, we're done with that.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

But just skip to Snickers because the nougat looks awesome. Then they mix it with peanut butter, and then they lay it out and they cut it out.

[A]

Well, you brought up the great point because we have been watching America how they make candy bars.

[B]

And I was like, we do this shit for. For fun. It's first, you could make the argument that it's deeply irresponsible. They use 20 acres of peanuts a day at the Snickers factory they use. So I can't even imagine that many acres of land. No, I know one acre is. Let me tell you what one acre is. This is how I'd explain it to a time traveling Encino man style caveman. Bigger than you can see.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

One acre.

[A]

Yeah, go.

[B]

Like, when do we call land an acre? When you can't see all of it unless it's perfectly flat. But if you are lost, you're on an acre.

[A]

That's not true. That is not true.

[B]

It's fun how I'm saying. It was such conviction. It was.

[A]

It was really.

[B]

I was really locked in going, you're lost.

[A]

We live on an acre.

[B]

I know.

[A]

You can see the whole thing.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yes, you can.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yes, you can.

[B]

When you're at the tree in the front, can you see the chickens?

[A]

Only because the house is blocking it.

[B]

Yes. That's the nature of an acre. There's always houses and shit. There's too much land to leave leave it unused. This. Welcome to a guy won't be wrong. Welcome to a guy won't be wrong. Welcome to a guy won't be wrong. I don't mean men. I mean this guy.

[A]

No, I know.

[B]

All right. Can I finish my dumb thing?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So America is. You have kissing cousins on the burner. Your Tetris next piece is kissing cousins.

[A]

Yes. Jesus.

[B]

Clearly my keno body octane has kicked in.

[A]

Oh, that's going on.

[B]

I love it so much. Much.

[A]

I better slurp down this layered pumpkin spice.

[B]

What are these? Functional mushroom creamer seen in Wayne's World too. Where they won't stop plugging things. But anyway. But anyway. What the was that? But anyway. What the was that?

[A]

But anyway.

[B]

But anyway.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It was the weirdest but anyway I've ever had shout out to the person who in Spokane, by the way, who yelled out akimbo, which meant when we understand each other.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I did.

[A]

And you had forgotten me because we haven't used that.

[B]

We haven't used it in a while. And I actually was proud of my clarity because I said, I think I'm in stand up mode. And I don't know what that means. Yes, but whoever came to Spokane and yelled akimbo because she was agreeing with me, thank you so. That's so sweet. I wish. It's like different hats.

[A]

That does feel like it needs explanation. Like in. Towards the. In the first Year of this podcast, was it? I'm sure it was.

[B]

It was a long time ago.

[A]

Yeah, we. We used to have a code word which was akimbo. When it was just like, hey, I'm about to say something. And the reason. Just so you know, the reason I'm saying this is so that you'll appreciate what I did. Oh, I'm telling you, you don't remember it.

[B]

Honestly, it's one of my least. I don't want to say least favorite. It's just one of the slippier parts of being me is just how many things I'm doing.

[A]

Yeah, I don't mind that. I. I actually love that we have been together so long that we consider us together. Oh.

[B]

I have to cancel some.

[A]

I guess we never said it was exclusive.

[B]

That's so funny.

[A]

We've never said that.

[B]

That's what a wedding is. Is going. This is exc. This is exclusive.

[A]

And I told all my friends, everyone. You heard her say it.

[B]

I want your dad to hear me say it's exclusive. I want my dad to hear me say it's exclusive. I want the clergy there, I want the law there, and I want.

[A]

Sign this paper, twinkle lights.

[B]

That's how exclusive it is. Then we're all gonna dance, celebrating how exclusive we are. So kinky.

[A]

So it's so kinky.

[B]

So kinky. It's being like a regular. Regular meaning status quo, basic. I married a woman and we are exclusive. Is so kinky.

[A]

It really is.

[B]

Put this ring on.

[A]

Put this ring on so everyone knows your mind.

[B]

Shiny. They'll know I spent money on your ass. Like, I got you some jewelry. Brag.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And I didn't do it in that. I know. Bragging. It's pretty amazing, but I didn't do it. I did it out being honest, little sincere in a silly podcast. But it was an outpouring of love. It wasn't sweaty. It wasn't apologetic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it wasn't ornering. Ornery. Ornery. I wasn't going. You're my lady. Wear my necklace. It's like. No, I know, but I think. I think there is, like, I'm going to mark my territory with a big old ring. That's why if I cheat on you, Tony Soprano, I get Carmela a big ring.

[A]

Yes. We've talked about this on this podcast, actually.

[B]

All right.

[A]

No, but it was actually one of those. It's becoming one of those things where, like, you know, I hate when people say this, but, like, me thinks this lady does this lady, listen.

[B]

I Can't even think I'm gonna say. This is. We've uncovered another secret to our beautiful, thriving relationship. Find someone who really doesn't like the things that you can't even explain why you don't like. Like when someone says, I think the lady doth protest too much, it's me thinks the lady. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

[A]

Too much.

[B]

Me think that need a rewrite. Okay, Bill, I hate it.

[A]

And I can't say it.

[B]

It's the worst. But it said best in the cape.

[A]

But it also applies to you more than anybody because, like, your disclaimers of like, I know. Oh, I'm not saying that you're fat or whatever, you know, I hate that word too.

[B]

But, like, you'll. Pretty hot and tempting.

[A]

Yeah, I remember that. You'll say something like that and then you'll be like, nobody would have thought that you meant that. Except now we kind of do think that you meant that. And this is the second time you've mentioned, Tony, that you didn't give me a necklace. Because I think sort of Tony Soprano.

[B]

Yeah, because honestly. No, I'm glad you're shining a light on this, because I think jewelry culture through all of the 80s and trickling into those 90s was apology and guilt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The jeweler, Joe. I think in my experience, the jeweler joke would be what you do this time, Tony. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Or the girlfriend sees the ring. What he do. Or a mink coat is the same thing.

[A]

No, but are we only basing this on tv?

[B]

No, it's based on my. I don't think my parents were unfaithful. They're a mystery to me.

[A]

It's more like fight. It's not always on infidelity. It's just like you got. You had a fight and then you get jewelry. Your parents really did do that.

[B]

I don't know. I remember the feeling of, like, going jewelry shopping with my dad.

[A]

Cause he was in the doghouse.

[B]

It was always Christmas or something. It wasn't doghouse.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but.

[B]

But flowers, mink coats, jewelry, chocolates.

[A]

This is like, what a child.

[B]

I know. You're right.

[A]

Marriage is.

[B]

You're right. But I think that's based on something.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

Anyway, I got you that, Julie. But clearly it was complicated for me to just be like. I'm already being like, can it just be because I love you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like. And you never had any feelings?

[A]

Never had any feelings about it. But wait, something about the kinkiness oh, yeah.

[B]

Exclusive.

[A]

Nope, it's gone.

[B]

Well, then I'll just stick the landing on this. Silly. It's not even. So. It's fine. It'll lead to something else. Good.

[A]

Man. I really had something good that was going to take us down a real tear. And I cannot remember.

[B]

Carmela, you've said this. You protest too much.

[A]

Yeah, it was like, well before that. Don't worry about it. It'll come to me. Or it wasn't worth it. That's the point.

[B]

Or it won't come to you. And it was.

[A]

And it was worth it. Yeah, that's probably more likely.

[B]

I think you'll. You might get it. Anyway, I'm rooting for you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I was just gonna say that my pro America is like, holy shit, Six Flags is so fucking dope. Yeah, I know that's stupid, but it is. And, like, so is fried dough. So are fireworks. I know. Even fireworks kind of has a tinge of, like, you know, some of the lesser cool parts. Anyway, I'm just saying, I'm not a clean America lover by any means, but when I watch them making Doritos, I mean, I hear the Star Spangled Banner, I'm, like, really into it. And then this is the darker part. It's not super dark. It's like. I think about, like, Apple, right. Steve and. And Wozniak. Blanking on Wozniak's first name. Doesn't. Was. Yeah, let's just call him Was.

[A]

Everybody knows there's only one Stephen.

[B]

Was Stephen. Seth Rogen as Wozniak.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they're in the. That's the American dream, right? They're. They're. They have access to technology. So they were in a school, a public school that had computers. They had a family with a garage. Like, this is all like. Like, I can see Thomas. Not Thomas Jefferson. He was questionable. Anyway, what I'm saying is they all are. I know what sucks is these companies that make billions, all skirt taxes. None of them pay taxes.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's the.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Fucked up thing.

[B]

I know I'm, like, late to this. Like, this is why everyone was occupying Wall street while I was occupying a Chick Fil.

[A]

A Just got it right.

[B]

I was just occupying my own clothing. I am late to the party. But it goes back to what you were saying about can they be good at their job? If someone has the ball and they're fast, we're just like, don't fuck with them. They're going, that's our value. That's a Huge value. If they're winning. And if it's working, we will, as a nation, apparently look the other way on innumerable crimes. Right. This. This is also cousins. Kissing cousins. With the idea that, like, rich people can buy justice, obviously.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But they can also buy criminality. And everyone knows the money for these corporations goes to whatever. Some Swiss bank account or whatever that is. Whatever the new version of that is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're not. So it doesn't go back. So we all line up for the new stuff. We buy it. And there is one moment I was like, oh, my God, this is great. Like, capitalism is working. We buy it, it's taxed. Think of how many iPhones we're buying. It's going back to the school. Then it's like, it's not. That's insane.

[A]

Yeah, it's not. And also, the reason we're letting them get away with everything is because they've gotten us addicted to whatever their product is.

[B]

Well, yes. And because they're winners.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think if they stung.

[A]

I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, I don't feel that's what they're winning at.

[B]

They're winning at getting you addicted if.

[A]

They'Ve gotten you addicted. So even if you fundamentally are like, I'm against big corporations.

[B]

I think if Grape Nuts was not paying taxes, we would be on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The gravel cereal.

[A]

Yeah. Because we're not. Yeah. Because we're not addicted to their products.

[B]

Because it's not working. But that's what's worth it.

[A]

There's no part of me that's like, you know, like, respects that they're winning at a up game where they've made everybody addicted to their products and then don't pay taxes when. And have more money than they could ever. They could ever spend while other people are, like, starving and completely agree. There's no part of me that's like, you won.

[B]

But I think America is like, you won. We are the Air Bud. If the dog can catch the football, put it in the game.

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

I mean, I think fuck the rules. The dog plays. Cause he's good. If Air Bud wasn't good, you wouldn't put him in the game.

[A]

That's not.

[B]

I know. I think I'm having psychosis.

[A]

I know. Well, no, I mean, I do think that half the population agrees with you.

[B]

I actually would narrow it. I would say the people in power agree with me. Like, that's where the narrative is coming from.

[A]

The people in power or But I also think that there are people who are not in power. This is why people are like, why would, you know, farmers and poor people support Trump. Trump is just a billionaire that only cares about money or whatever. And it's like, well, yeah, they believe in the mythology of, like, winning.

[B]

And if he's winning, then maybe I could win.

[A]

Exactly. And.

[B]

Or maybe my kids could win. Yeah, yeah. It's. It's. It's very Hunger Games. It's very like, one of us will be selected and pulled out of poverty because he was.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

It's funny, when you said that, I pictured Donald Trump in overalls kneeling down into the earth in a field of corn, picking up the soil and rubbing it in his hands and smelling it. How.

[A]

And then going, what is this?

[B]

What kind of caviar is this? It's crumbly, crumbly Oreo caviar. Like, he's just. I'm just like, that's how. Dissociated from the earth.

[A]

Yeah, I know. We want to see him grounded.

[B]

I could see Obama in khakis and a tucked in blue collared shirt, kneeling down and picking a strawberry.

[A]

I'll go, yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I don't really see Obama, you know, shots fired, but, like, I don't think he's rubbing that soil either. I'm just kidding. I can't. I don't think there's been a president other than Jimmy Carter.

[A]

Jimmy Carter.

[B]

Was he Jimmy Carter?

[A]

To me, I wasn't born yet.

[B]

Neither was I.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Good Lord.

[A]

Jimmy Carter. Wasn't he in the 70s?

[B]

Oh, maybe I was alive, but not. Yeah, you know, I was a baby.

[A]

You weren't voting for him.

[B]

The first president I remember is Reagan. And is there a better president? I don't mean president.

[A]

You are.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I meant.

[A]

You're coming out right now.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Do all men with podcasts go this way?

[B]

There's something about a microphone in front of our faces that make us go like Ronald Reagan. I meant as a child, my experience of Ronald Reagan. Slicked black hair, old wrinkly face.

[A]

Because you're like, that's what a president looks like.

[B]

He just looked like. Like, he just looked like a fucking he. Well, he didn't. By virtue of being my first thought of who lives in the White House. He just kind of felt like a. He also looked like buttons McBoom Boom. From the TV show Cops Cop fighting crime in the future of time.

[A]

I don't know Any.

[B]

Nobody knows the show Cops.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Long arm.

[A]

Are you saying Cops?

[B]

Cops. It stood for something. Criminal organization, Police Squad. I bet it was something like that.

[A]

Okay. Because I did watch Cops, but it was.

[B]

Oh, no, no, no. Not bad boys.

[A]

What you can do.

[B]

There was a show that was the acronym cops.

[A]

Isn't that kind of twisted? Twisted, now that we think about it. Like, Cops isn't still going.

[B]

Cops is definitely still going.

[A]

What? Don't you think there's new episodes of Cops?

[B]

Let's just. Let's just live in the unknown. I think you don't walk away from a show that costs 3 cents to make.

[A]

I think we live in a different time now. And we are like, this is fucked up that we're. I would hope, like, that we're getting entertainment.

[B]

The times I've watched Cops. And I understand, by the way. By the way. I'm just saying. But anyway, full compassion to the problematic, the problems that we're having in law enforcement. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With all of that on the table, I'm with you. It seems like maybe don't make Cops.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's the wrong tone, but the episodes of Cops that I remember the Cops well can go either way. But I'm remembering a very specific one where it's always some guy with, like, 75 snakes and he's only wearing one flip flop.

[A]

And, like, this is what Reno911 is about.

[B]

Right. And they come in, and I'm only going on one episode. They were very. It seemed like they were behaving even better because they're being film.

[A]

All right, I can see that.

[B]

So maybe is more Cops the answer.

[A]

The show, like, that they need to have even more accountability because of the show.

[B]

This is dark.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

Well, it's just making me think of how troubling it is. Let's do a riff about harmonics.

[A]

No, wait. Kissing cousins.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I. My brother and I, my. We got in a conversation about. I always thought that cousins worked. Like, you know, I have a cousin who's my uncle's son, and his kid is my second cousin, and my kid is his kid's third cousin. Like, I thought it went down that way. My brother brought up that there's. There's, like, first cousin once removed and then their second cousin once removed. I swear, this gets interesting. Kind of. I'm enjoying it already, but it's really complicated, so. So there is, like, online, there's like, a cousin chart that explains, you know, like a family tree, like, what it is. I Can't even remember it because my brain can't hold boring information. That's great. I'm allergic to boring information.

[B]

Fantastic.

[A]

But my brother, like, did the math to figure out. It all started because his son said that he goes to school with one of his cousins. But it was, like, so far removed. It was like, actually, she's your second cousin twice removed or whatever. And doing the math of all of this made me totally think that, like, the inbreeding that the Royal family does is absolutely acceptable.

[B]

That's so funny, because you're such a Greta Gerwig character in a dinner party scene. It's black and white, and you're like. And that. We don't even see the first part. It just ends. It's a little snapshot of her life. She doesn't quite have it figured out. She doesn't know what to not say at a party. And we just, you know. Exactly. It's frances, ha.

[A]

It's Frances, ha.

[B]

And you go like. And it made me think the inbreeding of the Royal family is totally fine.

[A]

I really think it is, because it's great.

[B]

This is what I signed up for it.

[A]

It's like, by the time you get to a second or like a third cousin, for sure. But even a second, you've gone through, like, several cousins once removed. They have, like, a totally different set of parents. It's been watered down by a bunch of different marriages. Like, there is probably one little gene that you have in common, and it's fine.

[B]

Yeah. And it's the pinky up while sipping tea gene.

[A]

It's. Let's face it, it's the teeth gene.

[B]

It's the teeth and the paleness gene.

[A]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But other than that, I think it's.

[B]

Yeah, there's a lot going on. First of all, you can't confuse me faster than what you just said.

[A]

I know.

[B]

When I was a kid, they gave me a test. Wait a minute. I'm just kidding. I do think they thought they were checking me and my brother. Is something goofy going on here? Really? I think in the 80s, that was just, like, a thing. Oh, I don't know. This sounds like I'm. There were two experiences. One where I went. No, it was this. Yeah. I went in and it was to be assessed in some way. This sounds like stranger things.

[A]

Like, was it part of school?

[B]

No, I don't think it was.

[A]

This is so interesting.

[B]

Well, I think there was just some curiosity. Like, I mentioned non neurotypical. There's some non neurotypical. Stuff going on. I think I present way more. Well, that's. Let's not go into that. I'm just saying there were some questions in the family. Let's get the kids tested.

[A]

Like, really? Like your parents pursued this?

[B]

I think so.

[A]

This is earth shattering.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Yes. Because so much of what we've talked.

[B]

About is like a negligence is run.

[A]

Forest run of your family.

[B]

Right. So this in my memory. It's funny, I remember at my school, they tested us every once in a while, just at the. Before you went from kindergarten to first grade. I still remember the test because it was easy. And I loved the feeling of being good at something. She was rolling around. Her name was Bissa. She was rolling around a ball of clay, and then she squished it and she went, do I have more or less clay now? And I went the same. And I was like, I'm fucking nailing this.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But she didn't seem. She was doing it like chewing gum and not looking at me. And I was like, this is my moment.

[A]

Look at me, bitch.

[B]

That's. That's how I felt.

[A]

Watch me and be in awe.

[B]

That's exactly how I felt. I was like, spotlight, please. I could use some jangly piano. I know it's the same amount of clay, but. So then there was this other thing, and it seemed like a hospital, and we went in. This sounds like stranger things, but the. One of the tests was. I nailed all of them. I got the distinct feeling that I was doing really, really well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then we got to a test where it was like a maze or it was like a city from above. And they went, if I'm walking this way and I go this way, was that a right or a left? I've probably told you this before.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

And I remember she said, you can turn the paper if you need to. That was a big clue.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You should turn the paper to orient it to you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's the hugest clue.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wasn't doing that. I was bored. And I just was going left, right. And she was like, you can. So I probably got zero.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

On that one. But yeah. Nothing. Nothing. No.

[A]

Confuses you more than that.

[B]

Sort of like the feeling of you saying second cousins is the same. Kind of like my brain just leaves my body.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

As that left, right. Test.

[A]

That's how I feel.

[B]

Thanks for helping me stick that landing.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

I just gave up in the middle, I think.

[A]

Yeah. That's how I feel about numbers. Like, if I'm reading this is how much I hate math. If I'm reading a book and there's just, like, a fact or, like, a statistic percentage, certainly if there's, like, a number bigger than a hundred, I'm just like, in my head, I'm like. And the population of this town was blah, blah, blah. And, like, I don't care. I'm not sitting there to process if that is a lot of people or not. Like, my brain, my. Like, I leave my body and my. My brain goes like, if you make me read this number, I'm shutting the whole thing down.

[B]

Which actually makes. It makes sense, because all of that looking the other way. This is the other thing that your. Your inbreeding thing brought up. The whole thing is kind of yuck. Like, we are this species, and it keeps like. Like the boring way is going, okay, there's Adam and Eve, and then they have kids. Well, and then the kids have kids.

[A]

Like a spider act, like, reproducing quickly. You're like, that's kind of what we're doing. Like, just like a. Is the. The yuck of it is that we're like a species that just, like, keeps reproducing. Yeah.

[B]

And, like, it's so yuck. And we don't look at it. It's just. It's like, like, all of it. It's like, let's just. We have this weird relationship. Sex is obviously glorified and, like, sensationalized, but, like, rebooting.

[A]

Awesome. Right?

[B]

Yeah, right here. I'm trying to say, like, all of it is pretty yuck. And one. What do I mean, we're all related, right?

[A]

Oh, I see.

[B]

So we put this regulation on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To be like, well, you gotta be this far.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, yeah, I'm with you. But, like, you and I come back from the same soup. We're. We're two beans in the same soup.

[A]

We're back to soup.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen. Nazi shows up.

[A]

And the soup Nazi. We're back to Seinfeld.

[B]

Wasn't there. And the Seinfeld bathroom.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Can I say I couldn't stick the landing on. Why? It's gross. I'm just saying the whole thing's gross anyway.

[A]

Well, yeah, we're all related if you go far enough back.

[B]

Yeah, that's kind of what I'm saying. And. And fine.

[A]

And then it sort of gets arbitrary when you decide how far enough is far enough.

[B]

Well, you could. You could liken it to, like, we eat meat. This isn't anti meat. I'm just saying we eat meat. But we don't eat. You won't eat like a hoof or like a nose. Like certain cultures do. Eat the tongue. We want what we want, but we want it cellophaned and clean. We want it to look like a cartoon. And the same with babies. Keep the moms and the. And the. All the nasty. Not nasty, but the grotesque. You know what I mean? Bits. The real bits. Keep it behind a curtain. Keep death behind a curtain. Keep old age behind a curtain. And sex is something you do while drinking a Coke. You know what I mean? It's like, we want to clean it up.

[A]

This goes back to, like, America does. This is you. And that's why Doritos is the most American thing, is that it's like, let's get this so far from food, from, like. Like a caveman squatting in the dirt just, like eating a turkey leg.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, let's make it not even resemble food.

[B]

Right.

[A]

In any way that it's ever existed before.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So that we can not resemble anim.

[B]

And we're back to Victorians wearing those big paper koife.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't even have any.

[A]

Their. Their. Their foreheads bigger.

[B]

They wanted big foreheads.

[A]

Yeah. Remember you know how, like, in all of those Victorian paintings, they have giant foreheads? I think they used to, like, shave it to make their foreheads bigger for some reason.

[B]

This is like that Mormon Latter Day Saint culture that wanted the shape. The leader said all the women have to have, like, oval faces. So they would. If, let's say you have a really circle face, they would grow their hair up and coif it to make the overall silhouette. And oval. This is that. You're right on. You really do understand me, and I really appreciate it. It's like, the least. It's the opposite of crazy making. Like you're the most sane making person. Because I'll be like, I feel like. Like it's all gross. And you're like, yeah, we're denying how animalistic we are.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And. And these rules don't erase the fact that it's all just, like, cells and seeds and eggs and blah, blah, blah. But we're like, but I'm wearing khakis. It's like, all right, Dave.

[A]

But even the fact that we think that it's gross is the American mythology. Like, again, you're absolutely right. If we were in a different culture, we wouldn't need our food. Cellophane. And we would probably be way more in touch with our bodies and our primal everything. We were looking. This just kind Of. Reminds me of this. Like, that's. That is honestly the coolest thing about giving birth is, like, you really are just like, I am an animal.

[B]

You're a red moon.

[A]

Am an animal. And the more you can surrender to that and let. Let yourself be an animal. The actual, like, easier.

[B]

Yeah. Is. Well, that was one of the mantras was let the monkey do it.

[A]

Let the monkey do it. And you're like, yeah.

[B]

If you're trying, you know how to do it.

[A]

In fact, I think one of the ways that my.

[B]

Because you're a monkey.

[A]

One of the reasons my labor lasts. Okay, we get it. One of the reasons my labor lasted so long, which, by the way, today was seven years ago was the due date for Leela. Cute. And then I said, two days later, she. I went into labor. Three days later, she was born. So I was in labor for 58 hours.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And I think one of the reasons it took so long is because I was still. I'm just gonna keep talking through you because this is my birth story.

[B]

You do it.

[A]

I. I was, you know, like, I had to break through all of these civilized things. Like, I wanted the doula to like me for most of it. I was trying to sort of please the doula.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was trying to, like, not be animal. Like, not be a maniac, even in front of you. Like, just try to, like, not, you know, like, make the sounds I wanted to make and, like, be in the positions I wanted to be in.

[B]

Like, you know when you're in a breath work class and they're like, make a sound on this next release. Yeah, I know that's unrelatable, but there's lots of yogas or whatever. Make a sound. I can never do it. Oh, and you're like, you had to.

[A]

I had to. Like, every. Every little thing like, that made a big difference. Like, I want to be able to just be like, oh, yeah, yeah. And then I did.

[B]

And we're back. Sorry. No, we're back to America. And the way we frame culture and movies that show birth. We'll never have a woman going, oh, yeah, I know. Never.

[A]

Yeah, never. It's gotta be a cute way where they're, like, squeezing their hands.

[B]

No, it has to be like, fuck you. You did this to me. Fuck you. Like, it's funny.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And the dad's like, oh, gosh.

[A]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[B]

I was so horny. And the doctor's like, one more big push. One more big push. How about two days of pushing and.

[A]

All of it's so but there's also.

[B]

Something so the skittleification of the birthing thing. Like the doritofication. I'm into it. I have a certain respect for the mutation, the change.

[A]

You do.

[B]

Like, I just go even though I am like, let's get our feet in the dirt. Let's touch the soil. Let's grow some food. Let's all of that. I have a. That's why I like Japan. I'm like, look at Japan.

[A]

Well, yeah, you like, like progress.

[B]

I think if you meaning in that in a neutral sense. Whether or not that. Yeah, if I look at like, you know, I don't know who.

[A]

Well, it's sort of that thing of like, oh, Enneagram alert. But the that threes on the enneagram, which is what you are the achiever. Their country. If they were a country, it would be America and nines. What I am. If they were a country, it would be any country before it was developed. So I'm like, yeah, like we should be still in tribes in the dirt remembering that we're animals.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I like all of that a lot more.

[B]

Oh, I struggle with this all the in my therapy, I was struggling with that this week. Like, as much as I love the idea of a guy who just like wakes up, makes his coffee, shuffles out, gets the mail, says hello to his neighbor, goes in, reads a book, falls asleep. Like, I'm like, wow, what an at peace person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I watch 30 Rock and Jack Donaghy is talking, I'm like, I am a Republican. I'm not. I'm not.

[A]

I know, but I know.

[B]

I love the like, we need to get Mill Filand to number one. Like, I'll relate to that. Like, drive.

[A]

Yeah. I, I, I mean, of course we're all a blend of all of it because I have that too. I In fact, I've been feeling that way lately where I'm just like really trying to get my mojo back and like, remember that I can do things. Like, I can create things and make them happen. And it's so easy. Especially when you're in a position where you're like waiting for other people to say if you can make something or not to really feel like cuckolded or.

[B]

Like, like it's a never ending barrage of humiliations.

[A]

Yeah. Where you're just like, I don't know. Or maybe me. I, I don't know. Like, I thought I had this thing that's great. But like, should I go myself?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, it really feels like it's so hard to keep. I hate to. I'm gonna just say it this way.

[B]

I'm. You're gonna say it the way I say it.

[A]

It's so hard to keep your erection when you're just like, do you like my boner?

[B]

Yeah. And the only way to keep your boner, you're waiting for this big sex scene and you have a boner and you're just in a cold room waiting for the other actors, I guess, like, are we gonna do this? And the only way to keep your boner is to touch it yourself. That's the perfect metaphor.

[A]

You have to make it for the.

[B]

Creator in life, is you go like, well, I guess I'll give it a little. Don't go all the way. But, you know, keep it alive. Keep it alive with a little.

[A]

Be your own fluffer that you gotta fluff yourself.

[B]

And when you pursuing making your brilliant film that you. That you're gonna make and your TV show that you wrote and all these wonderful projects I've been watching talk about kind of yuck is I'm like, what if there's been any, like, teaching is. It's me being like, you need to take up space. It's not rude to follow up. Remember, we've been talking a lot about that. Yeah, it's like, after four days, it's not rude to be like, hey, just checking in. Yeah, it's not rude. In fact, it's respect. It's like saying, I know you're busy, but you're also risking. What if they do reply? You need to give me a minute. I'm snowed under. You know what I mean?

[A]

Or worse, what if they just are like, silently like, well, that's enough. I don't want to deal with this person anymore.

[B]

Welcome to the cold room where you're keeping your own erection. But, you know, we're going to do that commercial together. I'm excited for that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, things are happening. But going back to what I'm saying is, like, I. I have had this thought where I'm like, well, I'm a nine, and I'm a Pisces and I'm a hobbit. And, like, maybe, like, do I want my life? I. I actually have the privilege of getting to decide if I do want my life to be like, I take care of my kid. I take care of the animals. I take care of this house. And I read and I knit and I shuffle about, and I just do that. And, like, there's enough Jack Donaghy in me that's like, no, if I think about that, that makes me feel like I'm gonna die.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like I to live. I, I, I will do that in the last 10 years of my life. But, like, I'm not gonna do that now. I'm 36, you know?

[B]

Yeah. No, we're all on Team Val and we're all very excited for you. What's interesting to me, I was saying this to Reid yesterday. I was like, the style, your style of being, meaning your personality and just your way is so good for writing and directing and creating a movie. My style is very good at getting things made.

[A]

I know.

[B]

This is why agents exist. You want to hire someone who's just that part of me who follows up and risks it. Now, it's not you, the jerk who doesn't know how to read a room. It's this person who might have a call in to them anyway and then says, like, any word on the vowel thing just at the end. Like, they keep it going. But I think it's really interesting that you and a lot of creative people I know from seeing it are brilliant. I'm not a good director. I think I would be better now than when I was a young person, but when I was a young person younger, I was too itchy and wanted everybody to do it the way that I want it. You're much more inclusive and nurturing and you create this vibe. You're going to be everybody's favorite director, and I think it's amazing. And that person isn't good at following up with emails. It's too dick. It's too fucking dick.

[A]

Yeah. Which, which is.

[B]

Have you read it?

[A]

I mean, there are directors that are like that. In fact, probably most of them are, are more dick about it. But, like, that's not. Yeah, that's not my style at all. I, like, I need produce. I need a producer for basically every aspect of my life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I need somebody who's going to do the correspondence. Necessary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I can, like, show up and do the thing that I can, that I do well. But that's not how this works. You have to make things happen for yourself for so long, it feels like before anybody invites you to do anything. And that's. Yeah, that's why we are a good team, is that it is like the masculine and the feminine. I have, like, very considerate, measured discernment and, you know, really can collaborate and bring people in and you'll make a.

[B]

Very different thing than a go getter. And I don't mean you're not a go getter.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

I just mean people like me that are like gift a gab and bashing in. I don't typically like the things people like me. I love my standup and I love crashing. I'm not saying the things I made. I'm just saying like, if you look at Paul Thomas Anderson or even. Well, I don't know. Quentin Tarantino definitely seems like he follows up on emails.

[A]

Yeah, I think probably PTA does too.

[B]

I don't know if he does. I bet it's cool. I mean, he's like, hey, I just was thought of you because I was watching a Japanese movie. You know, something cool.

[A]

I was gonna say, I think I. What I've learned from all these, like recent, more recent showbiz emails is like the people who get done are sending like one line of an email and it's not. They're not worried about caps. They're not worried about punctuation.

[B]

That's a PTA for sure.

[A]

They're just like, yes, I'll get back to you on that. And like, I'm over here like, hey, so good to hear from you. Hope the weekend was great. I will consider. And I'm like, that's what keeps me from writing emails is that I think I have to like, yeah, write like a Pride and Prejudice letter every single time.

[B]

That's what I'm trying to. If there's something I'm stoking in you is is the quick like, yeah, hey, just, just bumping this up. You reply to the. This is so I've been doing it. I've been taking your advice already set and said just bumping this up.

[A]

I've, I've done that. So by the way, if you're one of the people who happen to be listening that I did that to.

[B]

Please.

[A]

This is what's happening. Pete is coaching me and I feel really uncomfortable.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Doing it. But if it were up to me, I would never want to like intrude. And then there would be so many people who said that they were going to get back to me about something and then just never do because they.

[B]

Never forgot because I don't like them. People have.

[A]

Yeah, they forgot because they have their own thing.

[B]

I do things like the third time someone pings me on it if I'm super busy. It's funny again, this is a little toe row Tony Robbins, but it's like every email is like three is like two or three emails. One is the email. Two is the scheduled email to you saying, did they reply yeah. At a day of your choosing, six days later. And then it's a. Hey. Just circling back. But I don't know. This stuff stinks. I wish you could just.

[A]

I know it's. It does stink, but it's good for me. It. I mean, it's one of the things that makes it a job, you know?

[B]

Yeah. But I'm glad you're not.

[A]

It's part of any job that you are.

[B]

Kind of like, I wouldn't change any part of you because this, the part of you that's making you not great at correspondence.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is the soft, unique God's brain nougat. That is your work.

[A]

Well, thank you for saying that.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like a mercenary. I feel like you're a real Cezanne.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

You're like, out there making art and beautiful things. And I feel very protective and excited for people to, like, tune into that. But, you know, this is why I like Jason Bourne movies. I'm like, somebody told him to go to Toronto and tell jokes.

[A]

Yeah. No, but this is an element that I need. It's like a muscle that I need to work. Because we know and we've seen, like, there are plenty of beautiful arturs whose stuff never gets seen or heard by anyone because they lack this sort of engine.

[B]

This is the first time I've been like, oh, you just need an agent.

[A]

Yeah. Well, now we're just talking, aren't we?

[B]

That's so good. And we're out of time. So we just ended on this very, like, slice of life.

[A]

If you wanted a little glimpse in how we really, really talk. If we're not even trying to be remotely entertaining, you kind of got there at the end.

[B]

I don't know. This is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think people are wonder. I hope.

[A]

I hope this is relatable and not obnoxious. That, like, again, I want to recognize that I have such a privilege to even be able to, like, I'm editing that out. Try to get into this kind of.

[B]

Thing in one hand. Hold that. That's absolutely true. And there's a lot of gratitude for your life to be able to pursue this. Yes. Also, your work is vulnerable and raw and hard. It's not like you're writing. I don't want to put some other work down. I'm saying, like, you're doing this thing because you have something to say and you want to share it. It's really special.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's the opposite of a mercenary. Like, I'm not a top tier mercenary that's just looking for IPs you know, like, trying to sell something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I admire how, I don't know, feminine and squishy. Squishy. It is like the nougat.

[A]

I'm the nougat. It all comes back to nougat.

[B]

And once you're in the right factory. But I don't even want you in that factory. I want you to be a nice homemade nougat.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, just a little mom and poppy. Shop, shop. Nougat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all I'm asking for.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

All right, everybody, we'll definitely go and look up how Snickers are made.

[B]

Yes. And it would mean a lot if you occasionally said, I want that in my butt.

[A]

Yeah. If you really want to feel like you're watching it with us just occasionally, just when you really get the feeling for it, just be like, please put that in my butt. Please put that directly in my butt.

[B]

I need you to put it in my mouth. This thing that's funneling out the chocolate could just. With just a vacuum. No air.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That ingredient never touches. The air just goes from it into my butt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's how. Now you're fighting crime.

[A]

Yeah. Now you're getting the idea.

[B]

Well, thanks for being here. I've been sick, so.

[A]

Yeah. And. And he couldn't let a podcast go by without letting you know that.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

That you've been sick. No, I just meant, like, I'm just.

[B]

I'm glad we did it.

[A]

I'm. Yes.

[B]

I'm going back to teasing.

[A]

Always tell people when you're sick.

[B]

I love.

[A]

I, like, want to hide that I'm sick because I instantly go to, like.

[B]

They see me at a coffee shop. I go, and I'm sick.

[A]

But here's what I think.

[B]

Can you believe it?

[A]

Yeah. I never want people to know that I'm sick because I'm always worried that they're going to be like, what are you doing here? I can't get near you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that, like, terrifies me. Even if it's.

[B]

We're back to the email style. It's exactly. I go, you're lucky to get my strand.

[A]

Yeah. So if you get sick. No, you got that from me.

[B]

I guess.

[A]

One.

[B]

Yeah. No. I mean, who knows what's going on?

[A]

Who knows?

[B]

But we like it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But my email style is definitely, I'm sick. And here I am at a restaurant.

[A]

Yeah. You don't. You're taking up space unapologetically. And I'm working on that.

[B]

We're gonna make an out of you yet.

[A]

I'll make a man out of you. All right.

[B]

Thanks, everybody.

[A]

Keep it crispy.