We Made It Weird #233

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Episode: We Made It Weird #233
Release Date: November 21, 2025
Hosts: Pete Holmes & Valerie

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Main Theme & Episode Overview

This episode is a classic “We Made It Weird” conversational ride with Pete Holmes and his wife/co-host Valerie. It’s built around their signature freewheeling banter, riffing on relationships, secret weirdness, travel mishaps, parental quirks, and deep-dive vulnerability. Listeners are treated to a lively mix of bits, tangents, and authentic relationship insights—plus behind-the-scenes peeks into their creative dynamic and some post-tour stories.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Show Format, Silliness, and Spiritual Bits

• Meta-commentary on Format:

  • Pete and Valerie experiment with the episode structure, openly discussing ad placement timings and giving listeners tips about where the actual show's content starts—playfully lamenting the influence of sponsorships.
  • [02:27] Pete: "At like 12 minutes in, I’m like, okay, we should do the ads. We don’t. There’s like a good 35 minutes of episode before the ads. If you’re an ad avoider, just know that."

• Opening Riffs and Burlesque Tangent:

  • The pair riff heavily on burlesque, nipple tassels, and the origins of pasties, with both playing with stereotypes and poking fun at male fascination with movement and body decorations.
  • [07:17] Pete: “The tassels are dripping with sexuality. Yeah, let’s get those on nipples.”
  • [08:14] Valerie: “Yeah. But the person that made the tassels, I’m gonna pitch...just thought they would hang. And then they were like, we don’t want this. And they gave them to Daphne. No. And she was like, wait a minute, Mr. P. And she starts spinning them.”

• Meta-Narrative and Surreal Juxtapositions:

  • They describe their own podcast structure as a blend of “bits, tits, and Z’s,” then as a chaotic Japanese knick-knack store, then shift into deeper relationship terrain.
  • [16:02] Pete: “Actually, I think what we are is a very authentic native peoples of any land. Like some sort of Afghan, like a blanket…People go, what is this? What is this? I’m cold. Then they look down. I’m not cold. I’m wrapped. And what? It looks like the flag of Argentina. That’s this podcast.”

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2. Meditation, Sensitivity, and Self-Awareness

• Meditation, ‘Being,’ and Relaxing the Mind:

  • Pete briefly shares a spiritual meditation technique inspired by Rupert Spira: the importance of “relaxing back” into being, rather than striving.
  • [04:04] Pete: “Enlightenment belongs to the very late, the supremely lazy person for whom even blinking is too much trouble. And it’s like sinking into a bath. And you don’t have to look for your being. It’s already here.”

• Sensitivity, Photo Paper Analogy, and Social Fatigue:

  • They explore the challenges of being highly sensitive and absorbing other people’s energies. Pete sees himself as “photo paper” exposed to everything, and both explore how this fuels a need for boundaries and careful social interaction.
  • [21:10] Pete: “I’m not saying I have a photographic memory. I’m just saying if someone’s putting something on my photo paper and it’s starting to develop...”
  • [31:27] Pete: “He said the best artist is the most sensitive. I’m not saying I’m the best artist. I’m saying I’m the most sensitive.”

• Enneagram, Childhood Programming, and Empathy:

  • Valerie and Pete dig into personality types, the Enneagram, and family dynamics—especially the compulsion to “mirror” others, root out what they need, and anticipate.
  • [22:55] Valerie: “She doesn’t know how to find you, so then she doesn’t know how to mirror you, so then it’s like...you’re unpredictable.”
  • [26:15] Valerie: “One of my strengths that comes from a wound...is being able to suss out a person, figure out what the whole thing is and how to be what they need.”

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3. Relationship Dynamics & Authentic Vulnerability

• Testing Each Other’s Weirdness:

  • They reflect on how early communications were about testing how much weirdness, confusion, and boundary-pushing the other person could tolerate.
  • [24:47] Pete: “I’m just constantly going around going, are you fun? Are you safe? Are you fun?...Can I be confusing? Will you allow it?”
  • [25:16] Valerie: “...that was probably the attraction, is that I was like, oh, I don’t know exactly how this person wants me to be.”

• Hypervigilance and Being Seen:

  • Pete admires Valerie’s ability to “mirror and love” at a micro-level, saying, “It takes a brain like mine to appreciate a face like yours” ([28:36]). They discuss the intense, sometimes exhausting effort to care for one another and be attuned.
  • [28:36] Pete: “The frame rate of your understanding and mirroring and loving is like...everybody’s at 24 frames a second, and you’re at...190 frames per second.”

• Letting Go of FOMO and Relationship Comfort:

  • They recount a missed New York theater show (“O Mary”), exploring how to handle disappointment, comfort each other, and avoid the urge to transfer bad feelings or guilt.
  • [42:26] Pete: “...when you’re hurt, even when you really love each other, there’s this impulse to hurt someone. And children do this too.”

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4. Travel Stories: New York, Atlantic City, and Bad Car Rides

• New York as a Rejuvenation:

  • Valerie’s return to a kid-free New York is described as a “spiritual blood transfusion.” Pete jokes about her renewed energy, and they wax nostalgic about their “Crashing” show days and their love for the city’s chaos.
  • [38:55] Pete: “I took a thousand pictures of [Valerie] and her face...she was like the opposite of the painting in the attic. You kept getting younger.”

• New York vs. California “Sun and Vegetables” Bit:

  • They riff on the urban lifestyle’s nutritional and sunlight deficiencies, with Pete referencing a podcast about the health value of sunlight.
  • [49:07] Pete: “...you should get 20 minutes of sun every day, even if you’re wearing clothes...When I lived there, I think I had seven sun-free years and didn’t eat anything green.”

• Atlantic City: “Hell Together is Heaven”

  • They retell a harrowing travel story—comically traumatizing rides to and from Atlantic City, with drivers that inspired fear and motion sickness.
  • [52:13] Pete: “The punchline is: hell together is heaven. Because if I had been alone, it would have just been hell. Me, you, and Matt grabbing each other’s knees.”
  • [53:03] Pete: “I mean, it was insane. And he was driving—the first guy was driving like a cartoon. Like you know, in cartoons where they move the wheel. So we’re just fishtailing for three hours.”
  • [57:43] Pete, on handling bad drivers: “This is why I’m like, if anybody has a TikTok about what to do, how to consciously handle...I don’t even...you have to say, like, sir, this is like...Imagine what like, Shonda Rhimes would do...Love to know how Shonda handles that. This is not okay. Pull over."

• Future of Transportation:

  • Pete wishes for a world with regulated, AI-driven cars, quipping about a future where comedians are replaced with robots too.
  • [60:23] Pete: “I'll be on stage, and there’ll be a funnier robot that goes, ‘yeah, and bitches be like, why are my nipples with these curtains on them like the corners of Nana’s pillow?’ That’s—That’s enough, Chuckle Tron.”

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5. Comedy Craft, Joke-Thieving, and the Generosity of Comedians

• Joke Credits, Collaboration & the Sklars:
  • Pete opens up about the under-discussed generosity among comedians: giving tags, lines, and jokes freely rather than hoarding material. Valerie and her brother have provided bits that Pete now uses on stage, and he highlights the Sklar Brothers for their prolific “tagging.”
  • [69:23] Pete: “Everyone know. I’m not saying this defensively. That was Valerie’s joke. As I always say, my talent is going, You said it, I wrote it down, I knew it was stage worthy.”
  • [72:42] Pete: “The Sklars are thanked in the special thanks of every special. Because they’ve always given me at least three or four lines. They’re overt about it...If you’re a comedian, you should be doing it. There’s nothing lost. It’s an abundance mentality.”

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6. Notable Quotes & Fun Moments

On Tassels and Boobs:

• [07:17] Pete: "The tassels are dripping with sexuality. Yeah, let’s get those on nipples."
• [08:14] Valerie: "But the person that made the tassels...just thought they would hang. And then they were like, 'We don't want this.' ...And she starts spinning them."

On Relationship Testing:

• [24:47] Pete: “I’m just constantly going around going, are you fun? Are you safe?”

On High Sensitivity:

• [21:10] Pete: “I’m not saying I have a photographic memory. I’m just saying if someone’s putting something on my photo paper and it’s starting to develop...”

On Atlantic City Travel:

• [52:13] Pete: “Hell together is heaven. Because if I had been alone, it would have just been hell."

On Regret and Empathy in Relationships:

• [42:26] Pete: "When you’re hurt, even when you really love each other, there’s this impulse to hurt someone. And children do this too."

On Comedy Collaboration:

• [72:42] Pete: "If you’re a comedian, you should be doing it. There’s nothing lost. It’s an abundance mentality."

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:27] – Ad timing and show format meta-commentary
• [04:04] – Spiritual meditation tips (“relaxing back”)
• [07:17–12:26] – Burlesque, tassels, pasties riff
• [21:00] – “Photo paper” analogy for extreme sensitivity
• [24:47–26:33] – Testing and boundaries in early relationship
• [28:36] – Intuition, “high frame rate” of hypervigilance
• [38:55] – Valerie’s “spiritual transfusion” in NYC
• [49:07] – NYC vs. California, sunlight and nutrition riff
• [52:13] – Atlantic City, “hell together is heaven” travel nightmare
• [69:23] – Joke-sharing, comedy collaboration and the Sklars

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Tone & Style

• Loose, playful, digressive: True to "We Made It Weird," the conversation is wide-ranging and unpredictable, with sustained bits and call-backs.
• Blunt, affectionate, candid: Pete and Valerie don’t shy from vulnerable insights or poking fun at each other's quirks.
• Irreverent and honest: Self-roasting, riffing on sexuality and bodily functions, and raw honesty about marriage and sensitivity—all done with warmth and affection.

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For New Listeners

• This episode is more “bitty” and less structured, but if you stick with it, you’ll get unguarded insights into real partnership, sensitivity, comedy writing, and the strange joys/challenges of a comedian couple’s life.
• Pete and Valerie’s dynamic is both comedic and emotionally revealing—they model both goofiness and unfiltered vulnerability, making “weirdness” feel universal and relatable.

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End note:
Skip to the [38:55] mark for NYC stories, the [52:13] mark for the Atlantic City adventure, or [69:23] for behind-the-curtain glimpses into joke-writing and comedy generosity. The whole episode, though, is peppered with quotable moments, layered affection, and memorable riffs.

Transcript

[Valerie]

Lemonade.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdo?

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening? What's happening, weirdo?

[Valerie]

All right, we are still kind of figuring out the format, but I think we got it.

[Pete Holmes]

We did. Just know that at like 12 minutes in, I'm like, okay, we should do the ads. We don't. We don't. There's like a good 35 minutes of episode before the ads. If you're an ad avoider, just know that. Just don't get, don't get to that 10 second forward button until the second time we talk about the ads. Why am I giving these tips? Also try some of the ads. For fuck's sake, it's Christmas time.

[Valerie]

Get them for your friends.

[Pete Holmes]

Get them some perfect jeans. Get them some magic mics, some modern mammals. What are the other ones? Who cares? I'm sure you'll hear about them.

[Valerie]

You will. You will you tell us.

[Pete Holmes]

You tell us what they are. Call in at 1 900, hot tits and you.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Hot tits with a Z. Oh, my God. And the Z is for you asleep after you've.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. What is happening?

[Pete Holmes]

This riff is awful. I hate it.

[Valerie]

Hated it.

[Pete Holmes]

We all hated it.

[Valerie]

And we're just easing in, man. We need four plays before we do this.

[Pete Holmes]

Slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down. Thank you for being here. It's mostly just bits and talking and.

[Valerie]

Long bits and tits.

[Pete Holmes]

Bits, tits and Z's.

[Valerie]

I bring it back and I brought it back up.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like you've lived in the dojo long enough that you've become the keeper of the grasshopper. And I love you. Now I learn. Now, now I learn from you, beautiful, humble trumpet. Now I learn. I've learned so much.

[Valerie]

The teacher has become the master.

[Pete Holmes]

Trump the Musical. Watching you all these days, Melania. I've learned so very much. Watching you, watching you. The gentleness of your touch.

[Valerie]

I love that. I, I actually.

[Pete Holmes]

You liked it. You'd go to it.

[Valerie]

I'd go to that. Of course I want that to continue.

[Pete Holmes]

Would all go, yeah. The riff ends, but the show is opening off, off, off off Broadway. We're glad you're here. No ads up top. Just, just tour dates, which, you know, you know these by now. We're glad. If you haven't listened to the show before, what a confusing first episode for you. But this is the Friday edition where Valerie and I were partners. We're lovers, we're co parents, we're friends, we're podcast hosts, we're roommates, we are.

[Valerie]

Co workers.

[Pete Holmes]

Go to petehomes.com December 5th is my next Largo show, followed by Milwaukee, Brea, San Francisco, North Carolina, South Carolina, Miami, Michigan, Madison, and Denver. Hope to see you out there. So fun. My favorite tour, I think, ever, I'm gonna say ever. And in the meantime, enjoy this chat.

[Valerie]

I'm sorry to say this, I didn't. It has nothing to do with your tour dates. But I just got in, like, such a good, like, zone. Zone out. You know when you get zoned out.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And like your. Your vision gets soft and then you're just sort of like, I can't stop being, like, perfectly still. I just got into one of those. When you were saying your dates.

[Pete Holmes]

Now, you know, that's like my whole.

[Valerie]

Thing is that you're trying to do that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's funny. And there's no spiritual talk in this podcast. Yeah, there really isn't. So this will be the only thing. Rupert who I love that my non. Dual friend, teacher talks about people sometimes say, aren't you talking about, like, zoning out? And he's always like. He doesn't say it, but he's like, but what were you in when you were out of all those things, what were you in? That's your being.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's how I've been meditating lately. There's this great quote that he uses. So there's mantra meditation, breath meditation, focusing your attention. And what Rupert teaches, and you can see these all on YouTube is like a relaxing back. And he says, enlightenment belongs to the very late, the supremely lazy person for whom even blinking is too much trouble. And it's like sinking into a bath. And you don't have to look for your being. It's already here. You just have to. You just have to, like, surrender all these other things and just. And when you can. I can't always. Sometimes my brain's too jacked. But when you can, it's a beautiful way to meditate. There you go.

[Valerie]

Think that's all right. All right. There you go. There's your little tip for the day.

[Pete Holmes]

That's it. 30 seconds of spiritch. The rest is spiritch free.

[Valerie]

And the rest is. I mean, the beginning is sort of like high volume madness.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you'll love it.

[Valerie]

And then we really dial it in. Dial it in a little bit, Valerie. Get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's morning in New. Hey, everybody. I'm Mandy Patinkin.

[Valerie]

And I'm Kathryn Grody.

[Pete Holmes]

And we have a new podcast. It's called don't listen to Us. Many of you have asked for Our advice. Tell me what is wrong with you people. Don't listen to us. Our take it or leave it advice show is out every Wednesday, premiering October 15th. A Lemonada Media original.

[Valerie]

Coming at ya.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, wait, wait. Do the intro first.

[Valerie]

Are we doing that? Okay, here we go.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know.

[Valerie]

Let's not talk about it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Let's not.

[Valerie]

Let's not talking about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's not. We'll do it at the end.

[Valerie]

I think that's right. I think that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't like the way we did it last time.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And I didn't either.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the sort of bts.

[Valerie]

Bts.

[Pete Holmes]

The sort of, like, ultra premium delicacy. We live in a world. We live in a world where everything is. Everything's perfect. I blew Bubba. It was perfect.

[Valerie]

It was perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

It was perfect.

[Valerie]

I love the idea of somebody explain. Like, describing a blowjob is.

[Pete Holmes]

It was perfect. I stood.

[Valerie]

It was perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

Putin was there. Is that the implication? This is not.

[Valerie]

This is not where you come for any information.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I watch Weekend Update to get like, yeah, what a shame. What a sham. What a clown. No, I reject that. Yeah, I like me beautiful.

[Valerie]

I love to. I want to acknowledge that this is the first episode where I also have cans. Not those kinds of cans. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Sick. Check, check. Who thought of the tassel? Who was like, I love nipples, but what if they looked like you could open them?

[Valerie]

Like my grandmother's furniture.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it gets my rock hard pillows, my. My nana's throw pillows. The four corners, just. The tassels are dripping with sexuality. Yeah, let's get those on. Nipples.

[Valerie]

I mean, I think it's genius.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we like movement. And tassels are like. You know, when you put like a wind sock on a stick in a field, you're like, prospecting it. How windy is it here? And you put that red windsock on a stick in a field.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I'm with you. I just make the connection.

[Pete Holmes]

So too. Breasts are for me now. Meaning it's not enough that we see the boobs. We want to know.

[Valerie]

We want to see the decorations.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we want to.

[Valerie]

We want to know if it's windy.

[Pete Holmes]

We want to know if we can build land here. Can we erect a structure here? I'm talking downstairs. Upstairs, downstairs. No, I'm saying. Well, you tell me. You're saying you. This is on the. The burden of evidence is on you. You're saying you like tassels. I'm saying because you can Spin them.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But the person that made the tassels, I'm gonna pitch.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just thought they would hang. And then they were like, we don't want this. And they gave them to Daphne. No. And she was like, wait a minute, Mr. P. And she starts spinning them. And the guy with the briefcase filled with tassels, he's leaving and he's like, hold on.

[Valerie]

I have never.

[Pete Holmes]

You can propel them.

[Valerie]

I've never been more certain that you're wrong. I love being this about every part of this. First of all, forget wind socks. That has nothing to do with it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's movement. We want to know if the boobs are moving.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like as a guy, you tell me you also like, you think boobs are pretty.

[Valerie]

I love boobs.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Valerie]

Okay, this was a trick.

[Pete Holmes]

That wasn't a trick. But you just turned me into like a 12 year old.

[Valerie]

Just like Joey from Friends.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice. Whoa. Different Joey. Joey. Same flavor.

[Valerie]

General flavor.

[Pete Holmes]

Flavor.

[Valerie]

Same flavor.

[Pete Holmes]

Same flavor. Yeah. Joey Lawrence.

[Valerie]

Joey Tribiani.

[Pete Holmes]

Tribiani. Sounds like a newspaper.

[Valerie]

Loves sandwiches.

[Pete Holmes]

Every headline is sandwiches are still great.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

More on page nothing. This shit's over.

[Valerie]

And anytime. I mean, it's such a running thing in Friends that anytime. There is like even the lightest lesbian moment.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that.

[Valerie]

He's like, oh, it's just like Monica and Rachel hug. And he's like, yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And the Sklar brothers, we've talked about this before.

[Valerie]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I think you and I have talked about that. They have a bit about. Why are twins sexy? It's always like Miller Lite. Like, he's like, I like beer and burgers and twins. And it cuts to like two gorgeous twins.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're like, what is the implication? You're gonna have incest.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna incest these kids.

[Valerie]

Incest.

[Pete Holmes]

And 100%, that is the implication.

[Valerie]

Oh, God.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is. I mean, I don't have to. Hot take.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Incest is messed up.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's so weird that it's a. Well, so where they go with it, which is great. They should be conjoined twins that are joined at the head. And when it says twins, it should zoom in on the part that's neither one nor the other. They're funny, man. Randy and Jason Sklar. Check them out. They're on tour, I'm sure.

[Valerie]

Love them both.

[Pete Holmes]

Say I'm sure because they're in demand.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Absolutely not. Not any other way you could. What am I doing?

[Valerie]

I don't know. I hate this Tassels. Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Titties, titties, titties, titties, titties, titties.

[Valerie]

That's what it's like in your brain constantly. Yeah, I think it's like. It's like the fun. I mean, it's burlesque. I think it originates with burlesque.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, burlesque.

[Valerie]

The pet, the pasties. And then that became the tassels.

[Pete Holmes]

Pasties, I understand. Because it's against the law. It's like the brown paper bag around the liquor.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So really, I think tassel was just a way to make a pasty more interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

You think pasty started?

[Valerie]

Pasty started first.

[Pete Holmes]

And the girls with the dinner plate nips were like, we're gonna need a bigger pasty. Like, that was where Jaws got that line was Spielberg. People don't know this. Steven Spielberg was backstage at a burlesque show, and he was thinking to himself, boy, we've really done it. Cause the genius of burlesque is that we gave women a lot of creativity. We were like, bring papier mache in brassy music, costumes and makeup. And the whole time, men were snickering, going, we're gonna see some tits.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But also, I'm gonna back off that. Because I'm sure the women that were inventing burlesque knew that. They were like. And the knuckleheads will come. Cause they wanna see tits. Cause they're fucking dumb. And she's giving a bag of ice they. To one of the dancers who's in a bad. Like, with a dock worker. She needs to get out, and they're gonna murder him. This is act one.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Okay. You are.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm saying you can see that movie right away. Burlesque.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's basically the musical Chicago.

[Valerie]

It's also. No, it's similar to, like, Hustlers. That movie.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Hustlers. We're gonna use our tits to get what we want, which is the money. And here's J. Lo. And now Brett Goldstein. Am I dating you? Is he.

[Valerie]

I don't want to start.

[Pete Holmes]

We don't know.

[Valerie]

No, he's not.

[Pete Holmes]

No. I'm saying, isn't that what the tabloids are reporting?

[Valerie]

I mean, I think they were briefly. When they were, like, doing it together.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's bring it back together. People come here for Blowing Bubba. People come here for world and news reports.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

People come here for hard science. Stats that definitely aren't recollected.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Bell curves, pie charts.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well edited.

[Pete Holmes]

Well edited.

[Valerie]

No fluff.

[Pete Holmes]

No fluff. No Guff.

[Valerie]

And you know what people really enjoy the feeling of when they listen to this podcast is like always knowing exactly what's going on. Always knowing what, exactly. What Pete is talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a well designed mall. You know where you are, you know where you're going, you know when you're going to leave, you know how you're going to feel. Feel. You're in the Sharper image right now.

[Valerie]

It's so clean lines, elegant restraint, a.

[Pete Holmes]

Lot of withholding, like a lot of.

[Valerie]

Post editing, but also a lot of real time censoring our thoughts.

[Pete Holmes]

Cutting out a section that was just talking about the show. That's cut. That's immediately cut. And then there's music.

[Valerie]

Yeah, this is what the people want and this is what we give them.

[Pete Holmes]

No, every episode I. I'm like, George Washington on that boat. Why did he cross the Delaware and why was it important?

[Valerie]

I've never even heard of any of.

[Pete Holmes]

That, you know, Washington crossing the Delaware.

[Valerie]

It's no, the Delaware River.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I say that with zero confidence. It's the Delaware River. It's. It's from the Revolutionary War.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

General Washington. Okay, thank you, Lynn. Manuel.

[Valerie]

Okay, here's the thing. I think you guys know, like, you being people who grew up in New.

[Pete Holmes]

England and you know about Hee Haw and like, ways to make toothpaste. We do.

[Valerie]

We know about, like, the Western times.

[Pete Holmes]

How to find a hawk that knows where water is. These are the things your people know.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we know a lot more about, like, like the Alamo, even though that was. That was Texas. But like, we just know more about, like, like, you know, Three Amigos era.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. There's no basement to the Alamo. There's just some things you got to learn through experience.

[Valerie]

No, Okay, I don't know that reference.

[Pete Holmes]

That's from Peewee's Big Adventure. We just saw it.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no basement in the Albow, Patty. Or whatever can you do? There's no basement.

[Valerie]

There's no. There's no basement.

[Pete Holmes]

No basement in the patio, Patty.

[Valerie]

Mine is like a Southern. I know you are, but what am I?

[Pete Holmes]

I know you are, but what am I? I can't do it.

[Valerie]

I can do that one. Oh, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that my true laugh? Is he pointing to his dick, da na da na na na na na. And saying, putting it in my butt? Or is he just like, this is the front, this is the back?

[Valerie]

That's like just what, you know, Joey.

[Pete Holmes]

From Friends would think.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, is he saying nice.

[Valerie]

Remember in Chair Company when he wants him to do the dance.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And he won't do it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Are you guys watching Chair Company? Because you should be.

[Pete Holmes]

You should be second screening Chair Company during this podcast. Jk, Focus Up. It's Focus Up.

[Valerie]

This is important because we are saying a lot of important things. Things. And again, this is like. It's like walking into an Apple Store.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it's so clean. It's so purposeful. Actually, I think what we are is a very authentic native peoples of any land. Like some sort of Afghan, like a blanket. There's a lot of, like, the blue. It's a thick yarn. It's a thick yarn. And it goes up and down and up and down. People go, what is this? What is this? What is this? I'm cold. Cold. I'm cold. Then they look down. I'm not cold. I'm wrapped. And what? It looks like the flag of Argentina. That's this podcast.

[Valerie]

I think that's maybe what the second half of this podcast is. I think the first half is one of those, like, Japanese stores where you break stuff. No. Where you like. It's like, always in the mall.

[Pete Holmes]

Cats lick your dick. Sandpaper tongue.

[Valerie]

No. Let me get there.

[Pete Holmes]

It's.

[Valerie]

I don't even know if you've ever been to one, but it's like, yeah, you did in San Francisco.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Sandpaper tongue with the Cadillac. My dick.

[Valerie]

I'm gonna kill you.

[Pete Holmes]

And I go, ouch. But yes, but, ouch. But yes.

[Valerie]

And then at the end, you go, that was perfect.

[Pete Holmes]

That was. You have tied off that end of the afghan. You just.

[Valerie]

I did. Now it's okay. Yeah, but I actually think, you know those stories that are like. It's just tchotchkes, but it's rows and rows and rows of, like, how big is this store? It's big.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it like a warehouse?

[Valerie]

It's. No, no, it's in a mall. Usually. It's in, like, Little Tokyo. We went to one in San Francisco.

[Pete Holmes]

There's one that Sailor Moon is holding a phone.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And it's like. It's. Or it's like keychains of, like, hello Kitty that are also those, like, pop fidget things. And then there's, like. There's, like, all kinds of, like, bath stuff, but then there's also just, like, cell phone cases. Yeah. That's what the.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like all the shipments came here. Accident.

[Valerie]

Exactly. That's the type of podcast this is in the beginning.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I like that. Because I like those stores.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you don't Know what you're going to find?

[Valerie]

You might get a sandpaper licking.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Oh, man. This is a blowjob. I dated a girl with a sandpaper tongue. Oh, it's a thing.

[Valerie]

It's a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

People got it call it meow mixed. She got meow mixed. God was making a woman. God was making a cat. He meow mixed them with the tongue. Also the butthole. Open air, always exposed, up, tail up.

[Valerie]

Tail up.

[Pete Holmes]

They could put it down.

[Valerie]

They choose not to try to put.

[Pete Holmes]

A cat's tail down. There's like a cartilage. You can't.

[Valerie]

Jk, I didn't like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Neither did I.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we do take a, like a 10, 13 minute break now. And that's. That's like. This is new. Like, we do like two breaks now. We used to do the ads at the end of the intro. Now we do them like 10 minutes in.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. That was again. And I think we. We hit this last week.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't do that.

[Valerie]

Like. No, just that I almost did a spit take, remember? And then you start, oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said, it's too much about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

But I really did just the abrupt, like. And also, I just. We are finding the rhythm of this new format.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And I think that's interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And what we've noted is. Mm, let's just see if this is good for us. This is a forced channel change for me. In my experience. It feels like we've said nothing. We've been incredibly confusing podcast so far. Yeah. Just like, what the hell are they talking about? And now we're like, let's go to a break.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But. But that, that's, that was the argument. Okay, we can't talk about this. This is. That's a bridge too far to talk about where to put the ads. But what is your solution? Do you have one? Do you. What, do you think we should keep talking until we've hit like, some golden bell moment?

[Valerie]

No, I think let's just try this out.

[Pete Holmes]

We can talk about New Jersey.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Talk about New York.

[Valerie]

Yeah. For sure.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, great shows.

[Valerie]

Let's just talk about what we will talk about when we get back.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. That now we're in show business.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Now we're doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Let's. Let's. Before we go to the break. Because the break is the first moment you might go, maybe I could listen to Smartless. Hey, Tom York, so what's the deal? When you're. When you're writing. When you're writing a song when you're sitting down to write a song.

[Valerie]

I wish I could do.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe. Maybe don't ask Tom York about when he sits down to write a song. Will. No, let me. Let me finish.

[Valerie]

That's actually really good.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you.

[Valerie]

I wanted to jump in as a listener of that podcast to do a better job, but actually, that's fine. You. This is your superpower. Like, you listened or you watched.

[Pete Holmes]

I watched Mr. Scorsese, and I couldn't stop talking. Like, everybody from the neighborhood.

[Valerie]

Exactly. And you do that like it takes five minutes of you listening to something, and you've completely absorbed their whole being.

[Pete Holmes]

First, thank you for seeing me and complimenting me. 2. That's why I'm exhausted by everything.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I see. You let it in so much.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's like photo paper.

[Valerie]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying I have a photographic memory. I'm just saying if someone's putting something on my photo paper and it's starting to develop.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I was in the living room. Your mom's been here. And she was just watching, like, a nacho Libre TikTok, I guess, because it was like, I am. I am. And I just heard that for five seconds, and I'm like, well, that's in there. That's there now. That's why I get very protective of. I'm like, everybody, shut the fuck up.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't have. I am. I am. I regret singing it on this podcast, honestly.

[Valerie]

I really feel like I have. We can talk about this more after the break, but my mom was visiting, and I love my mom. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Beautiful mom. Perfect mom.

[Valerie]

Perfect mom.

[Pete Holmes]

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful mom.

[Valerie]

And the feeling, often of being with my mom, especially when you're here, because I think she's just a little less at ease when you're around, which I.

[Pete Holmes]

Don'T know how it happened. I've tried.

[Valerie]

It's just.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like me and I start.

[Valerie]

No, no, no. It's not just you. It's. It's how my family.

[Pete Holmes]

So you agree. It's partly me.

[Valerie]

My family was very. My parents, especially, were very. Like, everyone else is strange, and we can't figure them out. And so, like, they had friends, but it was like, there's always sort of like a. We're different than everyone.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. That My family, too.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And so it's like, kind of like you can't be at ease unless you are only with your family.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, because they'll see.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Well, no. And they just. Because Everybody else, other than their family is just a mystery to them.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh. Okay. Not that I'm judging her, but just that she doesn't understand.

[Valerie]

She doesn't know how to find you, so then she doesn't know how to mirror you, so then it's like just then. Then you're unpredictable. Because we can't. She can't. As a 9, an enneagram 9, one of the ways that we keep our safety is by sort of energetically controlling the room by mirroring and being what everybody wants us to need.

[Pete Holmes]

And nothing shows me. Nothing reveals to me what a finicky bitch I am when it comes to, like, how to love me. And you've really helped me understand this. Than when your mom is visiting and that's. Or talking to really anybody that I don't know super well.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, wow. I. It's like doing surgery. I said to you earlier, if you're gonna, like, talk to me about comedy, let's say, like, there's just so. It's like operation. There's just so many. Like, my nose just lights up too much.

[Valerie]

You know what?

[Pete Holmes]

It's exhausting for me.

[Valerie]

I think I just sort of had, like, an epiphany.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry. We're out of time. I am. I am.

[Valerie]

Please epiphanize about our relationship. A small one. Small epiphany.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it.

[Valerie]

But I think because I remember in the very early stages, like, the first few dates we went on being a little bit like, how do I talk to this person?

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

Because it was just, you know, you. And it was like, a lot like, listener. The beginning of this podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

You've. Can I interject? Will you remember?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've. Through your. Seeing myself through your eyes, which is partly on this show, I've realized that 90% of my behavior is testing others.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just constantly. And I can't tolerate when other. I don't like when other people do that. But I'm just constantly going around going, are you fun? Are you safe? Are you fun?

[Valerie]

How weird can I be? How confusing can I be?

[Pete Holmes]

Can I be confusing? Will you allow it?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And what. When did I make that choice? It's super weird.

[Valerie]

I mean. Yeah. I don't think it was a choice. I think it's.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's a survival maker.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And so I. And I really wonder. I don't think. I don't trust your memory.

[Pete Holmes]

Me neither.

[Valerie]

I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Veronica, tell me all about it. I don't have a great laugh.

[Valerie]

I know that was like a really.

[Pete Holmes]

We both said fruity.

[Valerie]

Fruitally. Yeah, Fruitfully.

[Pete Holmes]

We both said fruitly.

[Valerie]

But I would be curious. I wish I could know what you thought of me in those early days, because I do think you have, like, you know, once you fell in love with me, it's like a golden light flooded every actual detail. And it's not that you don't know me, but it's just like every detail of me is basking in a golden light, including, like, your first interactions with me. But I do wonder how that was for you, because I think I was allowing. But I remember being a little bit like, oh. But anyway, so the epiphany.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, what?

[Valerie]

Just. Oh. Like, how do I talk to this person? But the epiphany. The epiphany is. I'm sure that is what attracted me to you, because. Yes. Because I do pride myself in pretty. You know, I'm speaking generally, but one of my strengths that comes from a wound.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Is I'll get you in instantly. Being able to suss out a person, figure out what the whole thing is and how to be what they need.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And, like, I can do that pretty quickly.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And with you, I think that was probably the attraction, is that I was like, oh, I don't know exactly how.

[Pete Holmes]

This person wants me to be what I remember. Which. I still. I don't want to encourage your wound behavior, but also, there's a lot of good. My. My wound behavior leads to a lot of nice things as well. So if we can somehow know that. I don't want you to be trapped in some sort of pattern that isn't serving you.

[Valerie]

No. But just using what I. The skills that I've. The specific set of skills.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a very specific set of skills.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, his wife did die. I was gonna try to do a love. Actually riff that his wife was dead, but then his wife is dead.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is very sad. And I'm not riffing on it. No, let's edit that out, but then edit it in three times back to back because it was real. We're craving something real, real, real you. I'm thinking about what I said.

[Valerie]

Nope, don't let it go.

[Pete Holmes]

What I loved about you when we were dating and I still love about you is I was watching your face. I still say it to you all the time that you sort of, like, laugh. You're, like, quick to laugh, but you do this very specific, like. I understand you laugh, like, leading into what you're saying. I really like that consideration.

[Valerie]

This Is nice. I never heard you say this.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're.

[Valerie]

You never talk to me.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you never talk to me. Not anymore. Hubba Bubba's my favorite. Great bubble gum. I loved watching and still love watching the hypervigilance on your face. But hyper vigilance sounds.

[Valerie]

No, I know what you mean.

[Pete Holmes]

But when I watch you, especially watch you talk to someone else.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm like, oh, Val threw it up to 10. And I'm not. This is not. I'm not shaming you at all. I'm really like, wow. You're like. The frame rate of your understanding and mirroring and loving is like. Everybody's at, like, 24 frames a second, and you're at, like, Super Phantom camera, 190 frames per second. Like, literally.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm gonna compliment myself. It takes a brain like mine to appreciate a face like yours.

[Valerie]

O. I don't know why I want to high five you.

[Pete Holmes]

Can. I missed it, though. I missed it. No, I missed it again. Look at my elbow. Thank you.

[Valerie]

Yes. I.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I'm like. It's like.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like being able to see a hummingbird's wings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I can.

[Valerie]

It's a thousand million micro movements. A thousand million?

[Pete Holmes]

What's wrong with a thousand million? You can have a thousand millions. It's called a billion. But you can have a thousand million. I don't mind.

[Valerie]

I don't mind. A thousand million. You're gonna go on this.

[Pete Holmes]

Die on this colorful to say a thousand millions?

[Valerie]

Well, thank you again. That's that golden light I'm talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

If I want someone to say billion to me, I'll call up Bill Gates.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know it's short for billion, right?

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Bill Gates. Oh, I can't believe I never realized.

[Pete Holmes]

Billion gates.

[Valerie]

Okay, well, that is so, so kind. And I actually don't think I would have known exactly what you meant, except that I watched just enough of the Harvey episode.

[Pete Holmes]

Harvey.

[Valerie]

Harvey.

[Pete Holmes]

Yen.

[Valerie]

Yen. I didn't. I wanted. Knew I was going to say it wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Harvey Weinstein.

[Valerie]

Where? On. On YouTube.

[Pete Holmes]

The unreleased Harvey Weinstein episode.

[Valerie]

Oh. And I. I had that experience just watching my face, listening to him.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And I did have a little bit of like a. Oh. Oh, she's letting everything in.

[Pete Holmes]

She is.

[Valerie]

She lets it all in. 100%.

[Pete Holmes]

What did we just do? We just uncover like that. So Ryan o', Neill, sleeping at last, has that song about the Enneagram threes that goes. Maybe I've done enough, Right?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe I've done enough. Your golden child's grown up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it. That you understand that.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You're not an achiever in the way that I am. That doesn't mean you don't achieve it. Just the personality type saying that for them. But we both relate. I was talking about the photo paper and like, I just want to say this on behalf of all the. And I think it's more than we think. There's more of us than we think. The silent majority. No. We're out there. And a lot of antisocial behaviors that might seem like somebody's just a turd. I'm talking about myself.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Are because you're so vulnerable and over. But sensitive.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually like a good thing. It's like. It's. It's. We were talking about the Eddie Murphy documentary, which is great on. I think it's Netflix. Like Internet flicks. Like movies, but they're on the Internet movies. They mail them to you.

[Valerie]

So I have a cue.

[Pete Holmes]

I open my mailbox and there's the Eddie Murphy doc on. On Blu Ray. I send it back because I only have dvd. So I wait three, four days. There it is on dvd.

[Valerie]

It's so nostalgic.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, I know. Let me finish this point. He said the best artist is the most sensitive. I'm not saying I'm the best artist. I'm saying I'm the most sensitive. I'm the most sensitive. Which you did. You. Eddie Murphy said the most sensitive is the best.

[Valerie]

So if you believe.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to disagree with Edward. Hi, I'm Edward Murphy. I'm here for snl. Get out of here. Edward Vedder, Edward Vetter.

[Valerie]

This is your Leonard. Your Lenny Kravitz bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Ed Vedder and Ed Murphy are here. The musical guest, Pearled Jam. Ed Vedder and Ed Murphy are here.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And Leonard Kravitz. The callback. Yeah, the callback. 10 years late. It's a 10 year callback. Blowing bubba.

[Valerie]

Are we. Do we have to go to ads now?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's up to you. I mean, I'm living under your tyrannical rule.

[Valerie]

I think we earned it.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree with you.

[Valerie]

I feel like we earned it.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree with you. Okay, now we can go to the ads. And I'm even gonna do what you did. Tease a little bit. That we have a very funny story about driving to Atlantic City.

[Valerie]

Yes. And we have a whole New York trip.

[Pete Holmes]

A whole New York trip.

[Valerie]

We got a guinea pig. We can talk about that.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, if you're in this room, you're smelling it.

[Valerie]

I put the Christmas candle in here.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, maybe if we just burn this whole house to the ground, we won't smell it.

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

Papa. By the way, Max Silvestri just did the pod. It's coming out next week and he lost his house in the fire. It's just. I know I shouldn't joke about. Here's the list of things I shouldn't have joked about. Harvey wines.

[Valerie]

Come on.

[Pete Holmes]

Here we go to hear the list.

[Valerie]

Of things Peach shouldn't joke about.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll be right back. You know that one friend you got that's like, yeah, I'd get a bidet, but I don't need one. Wake up. I thought I didn't need a bidet, and then I got a tushy. And let me tell you, it is an absolute game changer. I'm serious. If you had poop on your hand, would you just wipe it with paper and call it a day? No. You want to power wash that, like, leaves off your driveway? I installed mine in about 10 minutes, no plumbing degree required, and it instantly made my bathroom feel like a spa that also cares about my butt's feelings. The clean way better than toilet paper. Smoother, fresher, and honestly, it's like a little life upgrade I didn't know I needed. It's sleek, it's easy to use, and it fits perfectly with my bathroom vibe. This is everyday luxury for your, you know, your gravy spout. Can we say that that's disgusting? Listen, the A hole is only a naughty word if you're still wiping with paper. Give the gift of daily dignity this holiday season with Tushy, the bidet that uses nothing but fresh water to keep things pristine while saving you 80% on toilet paper. Your future self will thank you, and so will your plumbing. For a limited time. Get 10% off your first bidet [e-mail] with promo code WEIRDO. That's 10% [e-mail], code WEIRDO. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Element lmnt. Healthy hydration isn't just about drinking water. It's about drinking water plus electrolytes, which makes sense. You lose both water and sodium when you sweat, so both need to be replaced. And Element does this deliciously easily with no bs, no sugar. Five calories won't break a fast and helps prevent those muscle cramps, headaches, and energy dips that come with dehydration. So many electrolyte drinks have tons of crap in them. Sugar, tons of Sugar. As much sugar as a can of soda. It's ridiculous. But Element has none of that. It's the optimum ratio of sodium, magnesium and potassium for health, performance and energy. I start every day with my favorite flavor, which is lemonade salt. Close second watermelon salt. And this floods every cell in my body with optimum hydration and jumpstarts my day. It's amazing before or after a workout. It's also just great when you're fasting or trying not to snack late at night because it's delicious and it fills your body with what it's craving, which is so often, in my case, salt. So get a free sample pack of Element. Their most popular flavors, citrus salt, raspberry salt, watermelon salt and orange salt. Two sticks of each flavor with any purchase. When you use promo code weird go to support this show. Go to Support your body drinklmnt.com weird and get your free sample pack with any purchase promo code weird. That's drinklmnt.com weird I am thrilled that this episode is brought to us by our friends at Kachava because we worked with them a few years ago and I've literally had a cachava every day in the course of those years. I'm obsessed. It is a superfood shake that has not just protein, it has everything. And we all know it's hard to eat healthy. You go grocery shopping with the full intent to make something good and nutritious and delicious and then you're so wiped from shopping that you just order takeout. I've done this and that's why I love cachava. It's hard getting enough protein as a mostly vegan person. And cachava makes it so easy and so delicious. It's insanely tasty. It's a whole body meal made from 85 plus superfoods. We're talking nutrients and plant based ingredients. Gives me all day energy, helps me have my digestion, work smoothly with fiber and probiotics, supports muscles and metabolism with protein and electrolytes, even helps my brain and my immune system stay sharp. I'm currently on a chai kick because it's kind of got a cozy fall vibe to the flavor. But they have six incredible flavors. Chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, coconut, acai and strawberry, which I'm also currently obsessed with. I usually toss in some greens, maybe a little peanut butter, maybe some almond milk, give it a shake. But it's also just good in water so I travel with it and I'll drink one on an airplane just Shake it up. And boom. I didn't eat some terrible in flight meal and compromise everything I believe about nutrition. So no artificial stuff, no gluten, no soy, no weird additives, just real food. Your future self will thank you. Go to kachava.com and use code weirdo at checkout for 15 off your next order. That's Kachava. K-A C-H-A-V-A.com. use code weirdo for 15 off. Okay. Liam Neeson's loss. Harvey Weinstein in general, making light of that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Although people do Jeffrey Dahmer stuff. You know what I mean? Where's the line? I'm saying, like serial, serialized monster behavior. Anyway, let's.

[Valerie]

Yeah, okay, let's. Let's go deeper into this.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's. This sucks. We got. We did this great show. First of all, thank you. I'll say it again in the intro, I'm sure. But thank.

[Valerie]

Thank you, New York.

[Pete Holmes]

Literally, thank you, New York.

[Valerie]

I mean, truly. Thank you, New York for coming out.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you, India. But thank you, New York for. For coming to the show. I think we were like 60 tickets, 70 tickets away from selling it out, which. I'm counting it.

[Valerie]

It's a big theater.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's 1350, so count it.

[Valerie]

Count it.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you for coming.

[Valerie]

Thank you for coming. Also, thank you just to the city of New York for. For giving me a blood transfusion.

[Pete Holmes]

I took a thousand pictures of Elle and her face, she was like the opposite of the painting in the attic. You kept getting younger.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

With every bed burger. With every. I surprised you in Central park with a pizza.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the most. New York. It's like a robot trying to be a person. I surprised her in Central park with a pizza. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[Valerie]

New York, New York.

[Pete Holmes]

We kept hearing that song, New York. Cause there's pedicabs that ride around playing that song crazy constantly.

[Valerie]

I mean, we. I hadn't been to New York in two and a half years, and I had never been kid free. S. I mean, since last time we.

[Pete Holmes]

Were there was with Leela.

[Valerie]

The last two times I was there was with Leela. And then the time before that, which was seven years ago, I was fully pregnant. So it had been eight years since I had been like, kid free. Totally a free agent in New York. I have so many beautiful memories there from the times that, you know, the summers that you spent shooting, crashing, just like being stoned and riding around on a scooter. Or like different Valerie, like, just different.

[Pete Holmes]

Versions of myself, just a different girl.

[Valerie]

And I. I just, like, it was truly like a spiritual blood transfusion thing. And. And you kept saying that. Like, you kept taking pictures of me and saying, I'm gonna make an whole album of your ass. And you were like, you look like you've had a blood transfusion. And I didn't until I saw the pictures. But when I saw the pictures, I was like, oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I wasn't just being a doting boyfriend. I was really like, what is this? Like, anybody. Like, if you shot it on a. In a movie, you would have to use a different lens or like the New York part would be shot for imax.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It really was like. Yeah, it was sort of like a wide lens all of a sudden.

[Pete Holmes]

What if I thought that was so profound. Imagine, just for a minute, the reality that I think this is profound. And that's when I realized you got to live your life like it's shot for imax. Imagine the curdled vomit that would just spill out of you if I said that.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that is.

[Pete Holmes]

Live it like it's shot for imax.

[Valerie]

But I.

[Pete Holmes]

More on the IMAX stuff.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, more on.

[Pete Holmes]

You loved it. I love shows.

[Valerie]

I saw. I saw three great shows.

[Pete Holmes]

We tried to see. Oh, oh, Tony.

[Valerie]

Oh, Mary Can't Get It Right. And I. And I up the time, which was so upsetting.

[Pete Holmes]

We went to this incredibly New York, like, golden light, like, you know, dim New York lighting, big Christmas tree, perfect restaurant. It was amazing. And we were just whittling. We got coffee.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we got coffee.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's. We're not in a rush. Bring us coffee. Then we walked over to the theater, and you were like, no one's lining up. And the show started at like 5.

[Valerie]

6:30, because it was a Sunday, so it was earlier than any of the. It's always like a matinee's at 2. A nighttime show is 7:30.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So I just assumed it was 7:30. But it was 6:30.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And I was so sad. You were really sad because O Mary was like, top of my list. And so you were such a. A gracious and loving person and husband. Because I was like, I up in a way that makes you not be able to see this show and where almost, I'm gonna say, a hundred percent of partners would then, like, just make me feel even more guilty about that. You, like, comforted me because I was so upset.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you were so upset. I. You know, so last week was a good episode of when we get a Good Dissection. I think it's one of the all time greats where we dissected. When you're hurt, even when you really love each other, there's this impulse to hurt someone. And children do this too.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was looking at a gentle parenting thing we have on our fridge and it was like, oh, when the child's doing this, it's because they think they're not worthy of love and they're hurt, so they want to hurt others so they can feel how they feel. I was like, oh, my God. That's. That's. That's us. That's what we do. I don't think they can hear that.

[Valerie]

You don't think so?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think so.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But that was our washer. It's one of my favorite songs.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I bump it in the car.

[Valerie]

The washer is like, now the clothes are ready. I wash the clothes. They are ready. Now the dryer.

[Pete Holmes]

And the dryer is like this. The dryer doesn't like the washer in our house. I don't know how it is in your house.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They are oil and water. I've been. I've been trying to get it going where you say it's like washers and dryers, guys, they don't get together anyway.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So I do get in modes where I'm hurt and I want to hurt me. No. Where I want. Yeah, I want. I do want.

[Valerie]

You want me to know what it feels.

[Pete Holmes]

Experience. To reflect my inner experience. So I'll start being a. Yeah. I shouldn't say, but you know what I'm saying.

[Valerie]

Just to clarify in your favor too. I think the thing that I've heard about why kids do that is what they're trying to do is show you how bad it feels inside them.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So they're trying to hurt you just so you understand. To be understood that they're in.

[Pete Holmes]

And I wouldn't doubt any move if it's to be understood. Yeah, I'll do it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just the. The sweetest top shelf milkshake. I love it so much. So anyway, I. But in that situation, I'm good at going like, we missed the show.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know where I go, Honestly, I'm like, let's just say we saw it. Like, you'd still be standing here.

[Valerie]

I know, like what?

[Pete Holmes]

But it's a little robotic. But I'm just like, yeah, no, but I know we did see it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And remember, we get back to the hotel and I did. Oh, Mary. I did. I was like, what did we miss? And then I walked off stage, you know, in the room, I walked behind a wall, and I was like, you're gonna want to film this. And I came out and was like, Abraham. Abraham. Mr. President.

[Valerie]

Abe.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm looking for the President. I married Todd. And I'm feeling kind of strange and I'm feeling kind of odd, and I'm.

[Valerie]

You know.

[Pete Holmes]

And that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it wasn't to belittle the show. You ended up seeing it and you loved it. But, like, I don't know. I'm pretty. I'm pretty good at going, what could it have been? In a good way?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Like, it's not going to change my life, not having seen it.

[Pete Holmes]

When you're young, you think it will, and it might.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, it's kind of an old guy thing. I'm just kind of like, yeah, I am bummed that I didn't see it.

[Valerie]

I have. I just have supreme fomo. And you don't. I don't have supreme fomo.

[Pete Holmes]

Supreme foam. That's where the. This. The shop supreme sells a hat for 11 grand.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm. I'm sorry I missed it, but.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that was how, you know, you were like, let's. What can we do to, like, save the night? And it was very cold, and. And I. I kept being like, God, I'm sorry that I'm so still upset by this. And you were like, it just happened.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I probably said that nine times because it was definitely one of those times where your inner experience wasn't really being presented. Because the number of times you said, I'm sorry I'm in such a. A bad mood, I was like, oh, wow. Don't forget, no one really knows.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you just seemed like a person walking around.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we couldn't for the life of.

[Valerie]

Us find anything to do on a Sunday night near Times Square. I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's a rough area for random. Like, you can go, like, indoor skydiving, I'm sure.

[Valerie]

Well, we had to do something inside because it was so cold. But anyway, we did end up getting, like, some dessert from Magnolia Bakery and watching the. The ice skaters at Rock Fellas Fella Center.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And it was so fun.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you did get over it. And didn't we get. Was that pizza?

[Valerie]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

There was a lot of bed eating.

[Valerie]

There was a couple nights of bed eating. There was.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll say this about New York. Here's what no one in New York is saying. I gotta get my steps. We walked nine hours Every day.

[Valerie]

We walked so much every day.

[Pete Holmes]

My ring, my aura ring was like, you exceeded your fitness goal by 3,000%. Yeah. And it was just hauling ass.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Upstairs, down, like subway. It's just so. And it's all on concrete. And at the end of the day and you're cold. But that feeling. Hey, East Coast. The feeling of being out. And I know you felt this way too. And just getting a cold nose.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then getting in.

[Valerie]

Ducking into a warm building that's like wooden.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And gorgeous. And getting a little.

[Pete Holmes]

I used to have a bit about it. I was like, you know, drinky. I'm. I'm not eating meat again. As I. Who cares? I'm just saying, in New York, you're more tempted to eat meat.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It is hard because you're like, I made it. Yeah, I made it.

[Valerie]

We've had this realization. I mean, when you were shooting, crashing, it was always like that. We came back to California and we're.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, oh, my God, of course.

[Valerie]

Avocados, spinach.

[Pete Holmes]

You just look down and there's a strawberry in your hands.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Because like, the sun's out. Guns out.

[Pete Holmes]

New York. Even if the sun's out, buildings are eclipsing the sun.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You always feel like you're in. I used to say that's what used to get to me. So. I love New York so much. For about, like two months. I can absolutely love it. We were always there for like three and a half months. And for the last six weeks, I was always just like, I feel like I never outside.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. No, it's true. It. And I just listen. I am recommending another podcast. It's not Smart List. So. Jason, it's very good. I just listened to so Diary of a CEO. It's. It's this podcast I've really been enjoying. Although I will. There's a warning. There's a lot of, like, AI Dystopia stuff. So I have to be careful.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not to overdo it. But he also has a lot of self help stuff and tune into this podcast to have me crudely summarize it for you. But there was a guy, an expert that. Did I talk. I don't think I talk about this on the podcast. He was like, you should get 20 minutes of sun every day, even if you're wearing clothes. So he's not talking about sunbathing. He's like, get in the sun. The. What is it called? The infrared. Infrared waves penetrate your clothes and get in you. And really brief. They're seeing like Incredible. Remember how old hospitals used to have, like, sun decks? Turns out that's coming back because there are literally people that are like, you have this blood disorder. You're going to die. What do you want? I want to go outside. They go outside, they get in the sun, all the numbers just start flipping like. It's this idea of rethinking the idea of the sun as this laser beam that wants to kill you. And I've been doing it. I've been. First of all, I recommend listening to that podcast. I think it might. I don't know, it's. We've been thinking the sun. Thinking about the sun wrong. But the takeaway is get in the sun for 20 minutes every day. And I've been doing it. Then we get to New York. All love for New York, but I'm just like, this is a series of tunnels and pizza shops and crevasses and like, little. It's very charming. But when I did the last thing we did, which was the event with Dan Harris, I saw my friend Vikram there and we were walking to the train and I was like, you guys just don't get sun and you don't eat vegetables. And he was just like, yeah. Because he's lived in both. He's like, yeah, it's really hard for either of those. And I was like, the joke would be like, and you can sort of tell, like, get to the park.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you can. I know there are New Yorkers that do, but when I lived there, I think I had seven sun free years and didn't eat anything green.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what your 20s are.

[Valerie]

Who cares? That's. And that's exactly what your 20s should be. You're doing that wherever you are.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right.

[Valerie]

I mean, in your 20s, you're probably getting sun.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mean to cast shade on New York City noise. We got a ride.

[Valerie]

Yeah. From New York, we went to New Jersey. It was my first time in Atlantic City, which I just thought was going to be Vegas on the water.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It's its own thing.

[Valerie]

It's not for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Nice, Val. I'm seeing. Well, I'm seeing some growth here. You just had to take.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I have to take.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you do have takes. I just thought you were gonna slowly, in payment plans, lay out that take.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's why I'm totally comfortable saying that doing these shows in Atlantic City. It was at Harrah's. Everybody was great. The people that hosted us were great.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The show was Amazing. Because people from Philly and all over. All over drive into Atlantic City. And it turns out you could make fun of Atlantic City. And everyone was on board because no. No one at the show, except for Andrea, who was in the front, was just wandering around the casino.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And looking for something to do.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It was, it was like 900 people who came to the show. And it was awesome.

[Valerie]

Yes. It was a great show and really great people.

[Pete Holmes]

And with a lot of gratitude to the casino for arranging a ride for us. We thought we were going to die both ways the entire time. And I, I, I was. So this is. I can, we can give you the details, but I. The punchline is hell together is heaven. Because if I had been alone, it would have just been hell. Me, you, and Matt grabbing each other's knees.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Texting, Funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Gifts.

[Valerie]

Gifts of people.

[Pete Holmes]

Toonces driving off a cliff.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the drivers were incredibly nice and professional. Sweet people who. I have no desire to jeopardize their ability to work. I'm just saying. 90 miles an hour in like 3ft from the bumper in front of you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, it was, it was insane. And he was driving. The first guy was driving like a cartoon.

[Valerie]

Cartoon.

[Pete Holmes]

Like you know, in cartoons where they move the wheel. So we're just fishtailing for three hours.

[Valerie]

It really was like a student driver.

[Pete Holmes]

How do you say if there was a way to say it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, just. Just keep the wheel safe.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you please drive straight? Yeah, just drive straight. But oftentimes in those situations, I would go like, this is probably me.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And the fact that you guys were both about to barf and white as a sheet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then we got there and I was like, we need someone else, please. Like, when the time was right, I was like, we need a different driver. I was like, he was very nice, just not my style.

[Valerie]

Want to get him in trouble? We just.

[Pete Holmes]

No trouble.

[Valerie]

We can't do.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you.

[Valerie]

And it really was like, this took, you know, two and a half hours of driving. Being so sick the entire time.

[Pete Holmes]

It was awful.

[Valerie]

It was like, I can't even imagine. I was looking up trains, like, on the drive.

[Pete Holmes]

And my little take up space moment because I asked somebody and they were like, I can't guarantee it'll be somebody else. I was like, that's fine. We're gonna take the train. And I'm not saying that to be a jerk. We're gonna take how much?

[Valerie]

We were like, we can't handle another driver right now. Tables, Tables. Like, we, like. It was just like, we cannot do this again tomorrow. On the way back to New York, it was.

[Pete Holmes]

We. Remember when we stopped at a rest stop and he was, like, flooring it through the parking lot.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, this is where kids and fan. How, like, if somebody out there has a book or a video about how, like, I'm just getting there with massages. Like, less pressure, please. I don't know what to do in a situation where you're like, apart from, can I drive? Yeah, that would be a fix.

[Valerie]

Or just pull over here. We'll figure it out. Which we ended up doing with the second guy. I mean, it was. We were so close. Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

When the second guy missed the street.

[Valerie]

Yeah. As soon as we could walk, we were like, okay, we're done.

[Pete Holmes]

Let us out. And it was like, when I had that body, I did have a massage that was so painful, I couldn't even look the person in the eye. That's how I felt getting out of the car. I was so sick and scared. That guy was, like, slamming on the brakes because, like, shit would happen.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, sudden stop. Like, we're all things flying forward. Like, this is not the story of three candy asses from L. A. This was just. He had two headphones in.

[Valerie]

So this is the second guy.

[Pete Holmes]

The second guy. He was listening to the ball game. He's looking for a ball. Ball game.

[Valerie]

He was 100 years old. He. He said. One of the first things he said to us is the only reason he's still a driver is so that he can listen to the radio.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're like, okay. And then he had a. And he was like, they don't make the headphones for this anymore. It was like a radio Shack radio.

[Valerie]

He seemed to be really put. Like, put. Laying it on thick. How put out he was that we asked him to not play the radio.

[Pete Holmes]

I did. You can. You can put that on me. Yeah. Well, they said, do you want the radio? And I was like, I'd prefer. No.

[Valerie]

He said, I'm gonna listen to the radio. And you said, I'd prefer it to be.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, really?

[Valerie]

And he was like, oh, I have. I. Okay, I have these headphones. And then he kept talking about how he has to hold the thing because it doesn't work.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. He had to hold a button on the.

[Valerie]

Shuffling around, reaching for things while going 90 while the car is on the freeway.

[Pete Holmes]

And people kept. Impossibly. Even though he was in the 80s 90s, people kept passing us on the right and giving us a look because he was driving crazy.

[Valerie]

Like, an insane person.

[Pete Holmes]

And because he's leaning into the bag on the chair next to him. Looking for what? And then he's looking for any game. This guy just likes sports.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Any sport. Then he's talking to himself about the game. I guess in retrospect, I could have listened to a ball game if I had known this was the alternative.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you know, it's three hours in the car. Like it Now I'm worried I sound like a jerk, but I know I don't. We were over stimulated from a casino. I was looking forward to some peace and quiet.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And then we took a death ride. That was wit. That was worse.

[Pete Holmes]

That was way worse than the nightmare.

[Valerie]

Because it was like there were. So he slammed on the brakes so many times because he was like, people's asses. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And they would stop and he'd have to slam and stop. We were like, when you're grabbing knees and squeezing to say. And my fantasy was to say that you were pregnant.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That was the only thing I could think.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why I'm like, if anybody has a TikTok about, like, what to.

[Valerie]

Do, how to consciously handle.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't even. You have to say, like, sir, this is like. Imagine what like, Shonda Rhimes would do. Is that the person who made the scandal.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a strong, independent person would be.

[Valerie]

Like, Love to know how Shonda handles that.

[Pete Holmes]

This is not okay. Pull over. Like, it's, It's. It's the rehearsal. How co pilots don't want to tell the pilot.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And everyone's life is at risk.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Human beings can't do it.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't. Humiliate. And he's older. I don't want to embarrass him.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm risking our lives to like, not feel weird. But there's no solution other than this is why Uber, My company. Billion dollar evaluation of Bill Gates Evaluation. Uber. It's an Uber that you call and they let you drive. You Uber.

[Valerie]

They just. You're just renting the car.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a rental. But because it's their car, you don't have to do any of the paperwork.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They just sit there and you drive.

[Valerie]

Well, I do think the solution of this is, is, you know, somewhat near. Which is what you said when we got out. You said, I can't wait.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't wait for. I can't wait for. I know. That sucks because a lot of people are making their living that way.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

So with sensitivity to that I still will prefer human drivers, but, like, in a situation like that, you're just, like.

[Valerie]

Giving a robot the. The more. More opposite than a robot.

[Pete Holmes]

This was.

[Valerie]

This guy was free will and free Ballin.

[Pete Holmes]

Again, with sensitivity to people who are driving an Uber right now, listening to this podcast. I'm not trying to say that. I'm saying, you know, I'm already seeing a future where doctors and, like, it's already happening. I know the fact that we're relying on these very fallible. Tired, distracted, angry, drunk, stoned, sleep deprived, insane.

[Valerie]

And it really is like, our lives are in their hands.

[Pete Holmes]

It is. And that's gonna be. Leela's gonna look at this time and say, that was bloodletting.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The doctors used to put leeches on us. I knew a guy with a beard who's on his 40 look with, like, our friend Ken. Who's listening. Our doctor friend. I love you, Ken. I'm not looking for. I know because he always texts me, and I appreciate it.

[Valerie]

Very cute.

[Pete Holmes]

He's one of the. He's one of the few touchstones I have for, like, how's the show doing? Is it okay? Is it all right? So we talk, and I like human doctors. He. He would. He would understand this. It's just something that I hope will be in a waymo with a person, you know, like both. Yeah, like a doctor and a robot. There we go.

[Valerie]

Just regulated or something.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'll be on stage, and there'll be a funnier robot that goes, yeah. And bitches be like, why are my nipples with these curtains on them like the corners of Nana's pillow? That's. That's enough. Chuckle Tron.

[Valerie]

Chuckle Tron.

[Pete Holmes]

And it doesn't have to do that voice, but it does it because it's funny, because it's. It's weighed all the possibilities, and it knows the funniest thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'll say this about my own job. Waiting for a comedian to write a new hour. Just waiting a year. That's going to be bloodletting, too. Yeah. They're going to be like, what? I want a new hour on the news today in the voice of Edward Murphy.

[Valerie]

Edward Murphy.

[Pete Holmes]

Ed Murphy. Okay.

[Valerie]

He's just doing that voice because he knows it's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's go to our break. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. The easiest, most intuitive and I'd even say fun, all in one website platform that helps you stand out and succeed online, whether you're starting a business, sharing your art or just need a place to say Hi, it's me, Gary. Squarespace makes it easy to claim your domain, build a beautiful site and even get paid all in one place. What I love is it actually looks good right out of the gate. Obviously that's super important for a website and you don't have to be a designer to make something that feels pro with their blueprint AI feature. It will build a custom website for you. You just tell it what you want in plain English and a little bit about your vibe and it generates polished pages, great copy and design ideas in seconds. Then you can tweak everything with a simple drag and drop editor. Just like your website is sitting right, right in front of you on a table. Or you can choose from tons of award winning templates if you want to start from scratch. So whether you're selling merch, posting tour dates like me, or just showing off your work, Squarespace gives you all the tools you need. No coding required. Head to squarespace.com weird for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code weird to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com weird. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Kenobody. The maker of the supplements that have really been turning my life around in a major way found out that there was a study that discovered between 1987 and 2004, men's average testosterone dropped about 1% per year. That means today men have about 40% lower testosterone than their grandfathers did in the 80s. I didn't even know that was a thing. I went to the doctor, they would tell me I was normal, low on testosterone. But now that I've been supplementing it, it explains a lot. That feeling tired, dull, just kind of off, has a lot to do with testosterone. Thankfully, Kenobody is here to help. I've been taking their supplement Mojo for Testosterone. And yeah, it's the perfect name because it brings your mojo back. Since starting it, I've noticed a huge difference. More energy, better workouts, sharper focus and blood flow. And yes, wink, wink, that means boner city. This isn't just an ad, it's 100. My experience. I feel motivated, creative, more driven. Mojo gives your body the nutrients to naturally boost your testosterone, lower your cortisol and get your edge back. I love all their supplements. I take Mojo Shred Nitro. I love Keno Octane as well, which is their pre workout. That gives you an amazing euphoric energy that carries you through your workouts and helps you Go that extra mile. So, weirdos, you get 20% off your first order. Go to kenobody.com and use promo code WEIRD. That's kinobody.com promo code WEIRD. Obviously, I'm wearing perfect jeans in this interview. And obviously I'm wearing perfect jeans right now because the perfect gene are just that. They are, no joke, the perfect gene. I used to think jeans had to feel like punishment. Stiff, scratchy, crushing you, your hopes, your dreams, and your nuts. But these, they're soft, they're flexible, and they somehow make me look like I'm. I have fashion and I have my life together. I'm serious. I've worn these on meetings, on stage, on red carpets, running errands. I've taken naps in them. I could probably do yoga in them. They move with you. No plumber's crap, no denim diaper situation. Just perfectly fitted, stretchy comfort. And they're only $79.99, which is 8. Cheap, cheap price. For designer jeans that are so impeccably made, I play. I pay double for ones that feel like sandpaper. So, yeah, I love them. They're stylish, comfy, and they make me feel like the main character in a rom com. So fuck your khakis. Get the perfect jean for a limited time. You get 15% off your first order, plus free shipping at ThePerfectGene NYC. Use code Weirdo. That's 15% off at ThePerfectGene NYC with promo code weirdo. And when they ask where you heard about them, tell them this podcast sent you. We're back.

[Valerie]

We're back.

[Pete Holmes]

This. This will be called the sorbet part of the show. We've had the meal.

[Valerie]

We've had the meal.

[Pete Holmes]

We had the dessert.

[Valerie]

The palate cleanser. No, the palate cleanse becomes like, comes between.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, this is before the dessert.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Or like, maybe it's even before the entree.

[Pete Holmes]

What if. What if? Just consider the tradition in fine restaurants is the waiter kisses you before the. Before the dessert.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

It's called, like. It's a French thing. And we're all just like everyone. My dad did it when I was a kid. He's just like. You kiss the waiter. It's just something you do.

[Valerie]

I would love it. I know you do, because I love fine dining and I love kissing. That would actually be preferred.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

I would prefer a kiss to a sorbet.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah, it certainly would change the channel. It's. It's a moment. A sorbet isn't as much of a moment as a kiss from a stranger.

[Valerie]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

But I do want this person to be very clean. Very clean.

[Valerie]

He's got to be clean. He's got to smell nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. And like those bags of pine cones that, like, you know, it's Christmas in the supermarket.

[Valerie]

I think I actually care more about the smell than the look. I think I'm realizing if I'm kissing someone, okay. I wouldn't mind if they didn't look exactly right. If they smelled amazing. I'd be like, yeah, great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's weird because, like, I love Paul Gia.

[Valerie]

It look exactly right. That seemed really bad. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean.

[Valerie]

You know what I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you just mean left of center, which is. Which is fine. Center being correct.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And right.

[Valerie]

I just mean my preference of, like, if I wasn't physically attracted.

[Pete Holmes]

Center is Jude Law. The center is Denzel.

[Valerie]

That's the center.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a bullseye.

[Valerie]

That's a bullseye. Got it.

[Pete Holmes]

Is Russell Crowe in the center for.

[Valerie]

A lot of people?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even beefy. I'm not dragging him. I'm just saying he beefed out. It's kind of like a different.

[Valerie]

I don't know, because.

[Pete Holmes]

Beefed out. I'm going to take an issue with myself there. I'm just saying he's. He's softer now, and I actually really like soft crow. You know, I. I sort of like him. He's maybe my favorite crow.

[Valerie]

Crow was never exactly my jam, so it's hard for me to know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. But Julia Roberts is center.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just asking. Is Paul G. I think Paul Giamatti is attractive.

[Valerie]

I agree. I.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's made a whole career about being the guy. That's weird.

[Valerie]

I mean, he's not in the same category as most people that you say. Yes. But I think an interesting face, and I like mouths, and, you know, I like interesting mouths.

[Pete Holmes]

And Giamatti's got that.

[Valerie]

He's got, like, the way that he talks. I like the way that his teeth look when he talks.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie, I just want to say we're doing our thing. I just think you got a really beautiful boy.

[Valerie]

I mean, it works for me.

[Pete Holmes]

It works for you. Yeah. Well, you know, people think I. I'm always angry. Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

I think I. I would. I. He could get it.

[Pete Holmes]

He can get it.

[Valerie]

Certainly.

[Pete Holmes]

I told you. I was on that, remember? I was on that plane with Giamatti and Tom Selleck. And Tom Selleck.

[Valerie]

And my brother had the great.

[Pete Holmes]

He gave me that line.

[Valerie]

He Gave you that line.

[Pete Holmes]

I did it. I did it on Live From Here.

[Valerie]

He also gave you a line that you use on your hour now, and I'm trying to remember what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Is he like me? Oh, yes.

[Valerie]

The Forrest Gump is here.

[Pete Holmes]

One of the best lines of the whole thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And people, like, mention that.

[Pete Holmes]

What do you mean?

[Valerie]

I'm just after the show. Like, that Forrest Gump thing was so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never gotten that, but I. I have. I get it every show because it's one of the biggest laughs.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know it's funny. We're making this documentary, Kill youl Darlings, about the bits you cut. Another documentary that I would be proud to be a part of would be how comedians underreported are helping each other and getting help. You wrote, you ever have to poop so bad you pee. Second, the way I remember it, although we can't trust it, is you didn't say it quite that perfectly, but you introduced the idea. And then I. Whatever I. I. Please. Everyone know. I'm not saying this defensively. That was Valerie's joke. As I always say, my talent is going. You said it. I wrote it down. I knew it was stage worthy. Your brother said the thing about Forrest Gump.

[Valerie]

Also.

[Pete Holmes]

See me on the road, if you want to know what I'm talking about.

[Valerie]

I was gonna say, let's say the bit about the Tom Selleck, at least.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, the Tom Selleck one is I said to. I went the whole flight without talking to Paul Giamatti. I'm a huge fan. And then right as we're landing, I went, I'm so sorry. I never do this, but. Is that Tom Selleck?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which I should have done. He would have thought that was.

[Valerie]

It's the little Al Pacino.

[Pete Holmes]

Refreshing. Refreshing.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Refreshing. I do wish that one of the more, like, attractive things. I don't even know. I don't have an example, but, like, one of the cuter, more attractive things that I said stuck and became a bit. Instead. It's. Do you have to have your.

[Pete Holmes]

You said stars are like hipsters. They're up there twinkling, like, you're just seeing this now. I did that a billion years ago. That's true.

[Valerie]

You used to.

[Pete Holmes]

And I did them back to back because I wrote. My wife wrote that, but she also wrote this one, and it's smarter.

[Valerie]

That's true.

[Pete Holmes]

Right next to each other. Yeah, but unfortunately, you can't beat. You ever have to poop so bad.

[Valerie]

It's. You can't.

[Pete Holmes]

It's My best. It's by me. I mean, it's sold in my store. You wrote it. Yeah. But it's the best one liner that I've ever written.

[Valerie]

I mean, yeah, it makes people feel seen, written, heard, heard.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's what I'm saying is like, we. We might do this and kill your darlings. I had a joke about smoke pot, eat twat, smile a lot. And then Matt Kirschen.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Went up and he was like, is it Kirschen?

[Valerie]

I don't know, but I know what he said. You.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just gonna.

[Valerie]

He's British and he was saying that. That he's. He came up after you at Largo and Matt Kirschen. That wouldn't work.

[Pete Holmes]

He riffed after me. He said that you wouldn't see that in England.

[Valerie]

Also, first of all, it wouldn't rhyme.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we say twat. And then he goes, you could say smoke a blunt.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he gets this big laugh. That's in my new hour. That joke is in my.

[Valerie]

You asked him if you could have that?

[Pete Holmes]

Of course I asked. I. I hope that. And I asked you. I'm not just assuming. I don't think. I asked. Your brother. Your brother.

[Valerie]

Well, me and my brother aren't comedians, so it's a little different.

[Pete Holmes]

Honestly. I appreciate that. I feel like it's a jurisdiction thing. I'm like, I say this sometimes at Largo. I do my monthly show at Largo. If people are backstage with me, I'm like, anything you say is mine. I don't mean from the comedians, but I'm just like, if you say something.

[Valerie]

To me, I mean, I think it's still nice to ask, but it's sort of like, of course we're going to say yes. That's the only way that line will get on a stage.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I just think the sensitive photo paper exposureness of being in the green room five minutes before you go on, you can't say something to me. I don't mean like a well crafted joke, but, like, if you say something like, there's a good chance it's just gonna be in there.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's in the mix with your consciousness.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The point isn't stealing, it's helping. So Matt Kirsten gave me this great line and like, thank God. It's incredible. And it became this huge thing. He didn't even hesitate. I just think, like, a lot of people are talking about how comedians are like, cutthroat and there's a bar fight and it's all for one. You know it's all just for you.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's been a lot of times.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When. When comedians help each other.

[Valerie]

Well, going back to the sclars. That's their favorite thing is tagging. And they have a whole show. Show.

[Pete Holmes]

I just posted you. You devil. Yeah. The sklars are thanked in the special thanks of every special. Because they've always given me at least three or four lines. They're overt about it. They're turning the lights on in a room. That's already been happening. And I'm happy to report on this because if you're a comedian, you should be doing it. There's nothing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Lost.

[Valerie]

It's like an abundance mentality.

[Pete Holmes]

It is. I have lots of jokes.

[Valerie]

Yes. I can always think of more jokes. I'm happy to give you more jokes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Rising Tide lifts all shows. Well, this has been. We made it weird. We're glad you're here.

[Valerie]

This has been. Rising Tide lifts all shows. I'm. I'm Sally Tide.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm Daniel Shows. We're glad you're here. We're glad you were here. We're glad you're still there.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And just.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a very specific set of clues. I lost it in the middle.

[Valerie]

You did. But it was. It was good. I loved having these cans on.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Valves.

[Valerie]

You know why?

[Pete Holmes]

Because really nice cans.

[Valerie]

It sounds. Did I get. I did. I did a dork again.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it.

[Valerie]

I was embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

I liked it. But Val finally has headphones. I usually wear headphones and Val doesn't.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But it sounds like a landline. You know how that high quality.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop. How did we go backwards? It's like the vinyl to CDs. Cell phones sound like.

[Valerie]

And how have we never figured it out? We. We. I mean, cell phones now have existed for so long.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead.

[Valerie]

We cannot make it sound as billion dollar.

[Pete Holmes]

A billion billion billion dollar idea.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A zoom with real time audio. Like a landline. So can you make it as good as it was in 1972 with a cord?

[Valerie]

You still can't beat a cord.

[Pete Holmes]

Can't beat a cord. Then bring the cord back.

[Valerie]

Bring the cord back. We hear about the cord.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got to be on the Internet. There is one road to Dixie.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a couple roads, guys. And those wires are still down there. Give me. I don't know if that's true. Give me a landline quality. Real time zoom. And you know they're already doing that like 3D. You know where it looks spatial.

[Valerie]

Right. The visual is fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Whatever the sound.

[Valerie]

Give us the the audio.

[Pete Holmes]

That's fucking please.

[Valerie]

Fucking please.

[Pete Holmes]

Fucking please. Please fucking keep it crispy.

[Valerie]

You know when you're just going about your busy day and a voice asks you something like, why do people have crushes? Or do dogs know their dogs? The Brainz on podcast is here to help. Every episode answers tough questions with funny skits, cool facts, and more. It's a science show for kids of all ages. Whether you grew up with jfk, mtv, tlc, or tmz, brainson is for you.

[Pete Holmes]

Listening may induce uncontrollable laughter and turn backseat squabbles into harmonious car trips. Find Brains on wherever you get your podcasts.