We Made It Weird #236

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes
Episode: We Made It Weird #236
Date: December 19, 2025
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-Host: Valerie Holmes

This “We Made It Weird” holiday episode is a cozy, meandering, and playful conversation between Pete and Valerie Holmes as they wind down for the year. It’s full of whimsical riffs, funny memories, personal parenting reflections, nostalgic stories, and some gentle forays into spirituality. The tone is laid-back, reminiscent of “hot chocolate with whipped cream by the fire” ([01:10] Pete), and the episode is especially rich in candid, relatable moments about family dynamics, childhood, and holiday celebrations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Setting the Holiday Mood

• The episode opens with Pete and Valerie riffing on holiday vibes: the anticipation of downtime, the relaxed mood of the holiday season, and the pleasure of sharing “hot chocolate by the fire” ([01:10-01:15]).
• Sleigh bell sound effects and light banter riff on the trappings of seasonal cheer ([04:00-05:05]).

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“Which Soda is Which President?” Game ([05:22–07:23])

• Pete and Valerie play a game: If U.S. presidents were sodas, who would be which?
  • Obama: Pepsi — “His logo looks like the Pepsi logo.” ([05:39] Pete)
  • Trump: Mountain Dew Code Red — “Donald Trump is Mountain Dew. Code Red.” ([06:08] Pete)
  • JFK: Coke (debated; later Pete suggests RC Cola)
  • Washington: Coke — “Original.” ([07:01] Pete)
  • Discussion expands to mapping sodas onto cereals and superheroes, displaying their joy in whimsical categorization.

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Social Awkwardness at Parties ([06:37–06:56])

• Pete shares empathy for socially anxious listeners, noting his party “modes” alternate between detachment and over-assertiveness (“which president is which soda?”).
• Valerie: “That's how you can start. … You know, winding down.” ([00:49])

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British Geography Confusion, Colonization, and Money ([08:05–09:37])

• Pete and Valerie muse on why “Great Britain” is called “Great”—“Is it that they're great or that they're large?” ([08:10])
• Humorous American-centric riff: Pete jokes the UK is only as big as Rhode Island.

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Internet Relics and “Success Order” ([09:42–11:40])

• They reminisce about Friendster (the pre-MySpace/MySpace era of social networks), and Pete explains why being “the third to an idea” (not the first) is best: “If you're the first, you're kind of in big trouble… You want to be the third.” ([10:31] Pete)
• Capitalism and Amazon’s predatory business practices are discussed: “Amazon will notice what's killing it … they'll bury that in the sixth page of results and put the Amazon version of it [up top].” ([11:10] Pete)

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Parenting, Childhood Perspectives, and Emotional Safety

• Leela’s Notes: Pete and Valerie discuss sweet notes from their daughter, Leela—like “I’ll never forget the day we met” ([14:12] Pete), and how children’s feelings and worldviews are valid, even if sometimes overlooked by parents ([14:34]).
• Preference for Parents: Valerie talks vulnerably about sometimes not being the “preferred” parent, and the emotional impact of that—“She’s been really preferring you lately … and it does hurt your feelings.” ([17:17] Valerie)
• Parenting Reflection: Pete describes the challenge of not taking a child’s preferences personally, referencing their own childhood experiences with parents who would pout when feeling rejected ([20:41] Pete).

Notable Quote

“The people who are like that, like the pokiest people, are the tenderest and gooeyist inside—so much that they couldn’t bear life, so they put on armor that had like spikes on it so no one could get close to them.”
— Valerie ([21:32])

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Soda Machine & Snack Nostalgia ([24:20–27:28])

• Pete remembers camping trips, off-brand sodas, snacking memories; Valerie paints a vivid picture of RC Cola and fishing with her grandfather.
• Both recount their delight in off-brand snacks (bagged cereal vs name-brand), and how childhood marketing made Coke seem inherently superior—a theme returned to often for its overlap with identity and belonging.

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Street Fighter, Superheroes, and Gender Roles ([28:17–32:15])

• Extended riff on Street Fighter characters, soda branding, and pop culture, exploring how childhood choices (which game character, which soda) are shaped by longing for approval and classicism.
• Valerie mentions how her brother played as Chun Li so she could see “the big hair moment,” and how thick hair became her “big dick energy.” ([32:07, 32:15] Pete/Valerie)

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Spirituality & Awareness Practice ([61:35–66:10])

• Pete and Valerie briefly pivot to spirituality:
  • Pete describes an awareness exercise, referencing Ram Dass and Rupert Spira, on being “loving awareness” and the idea that all sensations (even the sense of “where your brain is”) are just “floating in awareness.”
  • Valerie connects her body-based meditative approach, referencing Eckhart Tolle’s partner’s pain body meditation, and the non-boundary between “you and that thing” ([64:49–65:26]).

Notable Quote

“[Rupert Spira] would say, like, you’re no more the feeling of your face floating in that space than you are the sound of my voice. It’s all just showing up inside of this.”
— Pete ([64:10])

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Parenting and Emotional Regulation ([48:31–51:46])

• They discuss how “the worst people” in business may win materially, but often lose in terms of happiness and relationships—juxtaposing selfishness with fulfillment.
• Pete shares therapy insights about growing up guessing which “version” of his parents he would get and working towards “higher altitude” (emotional resilience and perspective).
• Valerie offers a compassionate reminder that “this is one of the things that’s on the menu”—a therapist’s metaphor for accepting all emotions ([51:34–52:16]).

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Holiday Memories & Mom Appreciation ([67:58–80:04])

• Favorite Christmas Memories:
  • Pete recalls feeling grown up when his Uncle “Stoney” snuck (maybe) a little Jack Daniels into his holiday Coke. ([71:44–72:15])
  • Valerie remembers her mother constructing elaborate Christmas Eve forts, even when sick—“My mom, with like 103 fever, made a giant fort for us.” ([79:45])
  • Both reflect on how much unseen effort mothers (and parents) put into making the holidays magical.

Notable Quote

“I want to use my memory to have a mom appreciation moment. Because now that I’m a mom, I really see, like, it’s just so much work for moms … and my mom just made it so special.”
— Valerie ([78:47])

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Playful “Restaurant Order” Stories ([57:06–60:27])

• Hilarious family stories about misheard menu items, e.g. Valerie’s dad mistaking “cream or sugar” (“kimosuka”) for a mysterious Chinese coffee, and Pete ordering “the crotch of French onion soup” by accident ([58:03]).
• Pete and Valerie discover they both had the childhood habit of ordering burgers by parroting the menu’s playful slogans (“nacho ordinary burger").

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Memorable Moments & Quotes (With Timestamps)

• [05:50] Valerie, on Pete’s logic: “I love that you see red, white, and blue on a presidential poster, and you’re like, that’s the Pepsi colors.”
• [13:09] Pete: “There are times I’d pick a tuna melt over sex.”
• [21:32] Valerie: “The pokiest people are the tenderest and gooeyist inside—so much that they couldn’t bear life, so they put on armor that had like spikes on it so no one could get close to them.”
• [32:07] Pete (to Valerie): “Because you’re definitely Chun Li…”
• [52:18] Pete: “I've done this before. I've. I've been scared before. I've been heartbroken before… there's like a kimchi quality to getting older where you're just like, I know what it’s like to get the big call, I know what it's like to lose the big call sometimes in the same day.”
• [78:47] Valerie: “I’m remembering now that my mom just made it so special. She really worked hard … and she was building us this fort every year, and there's a specific year where she had the flu, she had like 103 fever … and made a giant fort for us.”
• [80:06] Valerie: “All right, everyone. Well, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way.”
• [80:31] Valerie: “Enjoy your holiday seasons. Whatever you celebrate.”

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Notable Segments & Timestamps

• Holiday Mood / Laid Back Vibe: [00:49–01:15]
• Soda/President/Cereal Mapping Game: [05:22–07:23]
• Parenting: Preferred Parent & Childhood Feelings: [14:34–22:31]
• Street Fighter, Sodas, and Cultural Identity: [28:17–32:27]
• Spirituality & Awareness Practice: [61:35–66:27]
• Favorite Christmas Memories: [67:58–80:04]
• Restaurant Menu Stories: [57:06–60:27]

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Tone and Style

The conversation is loose, irreverent, playful, and affectionate, ranging from silly bits to heartfelt honesty and philosophical musings. Pete and Valerie are self-aware and open, often poking fun at themselves and each other while also directly confronting topics like family tenderness, nostalgia, and the complex emotions the holidays bring. If you enjoy candid, rambling talk between two deeply funny and kind people, this episode exemplifies their signature “weird” blend of humor, warmth, and reflection.

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Summary

This holiday episode of “We Made It Weird” is quintessential Pete and Valerie: unpredictable, cozy, tangential, and brimming with humor and heart. Listeners are treated to quirky games (“Which soda is which president?”), reflections on parenting and childhood, memorable family stories, gentle wisdom on emotional resilience, and a touching tribute to the unsung holiday heroics of moms everywhere. Their warmth and banter will leave you smiling and, more than likely, feeling a little more seen in your own weirdness as you head into the holiday season.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdo?

[Pete Holmes]

What's happening? That's the tone.

[Valerie]

That is the tone.

[Pete Holmes]

That's the tone of this episode.

[Valerie]

It's like almost the Molly Shannon.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Sweaty balls. It's a little sweaty balls, but I like it because you're probably, you know, winding down. That's what it is.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This time of year, I can't wait for the emails to stop and everything to stop and I kind of start cashing that check earlier and earlier and.

[Valerie]

That'S how we can start.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's the. I think this is a great episode. Very. Lots of interesting and wonderful and funny things. You almost spit out your coffee at one point, which made me very happy. Excuse me. But yeah, it's laid back. It's a hot chocolate with whipped cream by the fire. Nice conversation. Not a manic bit. Dump. Nope, nothing too heavy. Delightful.

[Valerie]

Love it.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so glad you're here.

[Valerie]

So glad you're here.

[Pete Holmes]

If you hear this the day it comes out, I'm in Brea, California doing standup. So if you want to see me all lit up.

[Valerie]

Yeah, like a Christmas tree.

[Pete Holmes]

Come. Come to Brea, California at the Brea Improv. Friday and Saturday and then other dates. They're all on peteholmes.com I'm going all over. Hope to see you out there and thank a sincere thank you to everybody that's been coming out. The shows have been awesome. [e-mail] and in the meantime, enjoy this wonderful winter spectacular which we're about to get into in the episode. So let's not do that riff twice.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it. Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me, the show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor and their hard earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on it. All Wiser Than Me from lemonade Media premieres November 12th. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns. And I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right? Yeah. And look at us now, like we're all grown up. We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown up stuff and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part it's about you. I mean, it's always been about you from Lemonada Media Alive with Steve burns is coming September 17th. Wherever you get your podcasts or you can watch every episode on YouTube. Wkbbl. This is. You Made It Weird Christmas. Oh, shit. This is. We made it Weird Christmas. Imagine if you heard that on the radio. Shit. This is. You made a weird.

[Valerie]

We made a weird holiday. Ah, shit.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, this is. We Made it Weird Winter Win Spectacular. It's funny you mentioned that last time. That the Christmas. Oh, no. The C word.

[Valerie]

But not.

[Pete Holmes]

They called me the C word.

[Valerie]

Christ.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my. Jesus comes home.

[Valerie]

Stand up.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, man. I'm tired of people calling me the C word. You know what I mean? There's never enough fishes. Fishes.

[Valerie]

No, no, no. This is. I really.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a goat, right?

[Valerie]

When you said that I really want some fishes. No, I got sad that I don't have a. Like a jingle bell.

[Pete Holmes]

A single jingle.

[Valerie]

Just a single jingle. Just to make it feel a little festive.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Valerie]

Because I didn't really clock that. This is our last episode.

[Pete Holmes]

Hold on. This isn't AI. This isn't AI.

[Valerie]

Don't worry. This is not AI.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, no. Stop playing a video that I watched.

[Valerie]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

The last video I watched is. Is Breath of the Wild really the greatest?

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Just me watching a video. Like, I don't want a song called Sleigh Bells. I just want sleigh bells.

[Valerie]

Choose sleigh bell sound effect. Oh, okay. Welcome to the. We made it Weird Winter Spectacular.

[Pete Holmes]

That was AI. I'm just kidding. It wasn't. It was a real person.

[Valerie]

A real person shaking bells. I saw her hand.

[Pete Holmes]

Their hand.

[Valerie]

I saw their hand.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't know.

[Valerie]

Boys don't care about bells the way we do.

[Pete Holmes]

That's fair. If you were talking to the police and you were like, I saw her hand. I don't think it'd be like, come on, lady. The fellas love a sleigh bell.

[Valerie]

Love a little jingle bell.

[Pete Holmes]

If you were a soda. Mm, I don't know. What soda would you be?

[Valerie]

You tell me.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I want you to tell me what kind of soda you feel like.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I was thinking about which soda is each president.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I feel strongly that Obama is Pepsi because his logo looks like the Pepsi logo, if you remember the O. So, yeah, it looks like the Pepsi. It's red, white, and blue.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's a circle.

[Valerie]

I love that you see red, white, and blue on a presidential poster, and you're like, that's the Pepsi colors.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

Oh, Cute. It's like Fourth of July themed.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Two. So Obama's Pepsi.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Feel very strongly about that. I think Donald Trump is Mountain Dew. Code red. Maybe just regular Mountain Dew.

[Valerie]

No, I think it's a code red.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel. Whose Coke? Oh, we already talked. Did we already do this because we know Abe Lincoln is Heinz Root Beer?

[Valerie]

Yes, Specifically, we talked about this at our Christmas party.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what we did this.

[Valerie]

That's. Doesn't that sound like the funnest Christmas party?

[Pete Holmes]

It was a fun party.

[Valerie]

It was a fun party.

[Pete Holmes]

And I do, you know, like a lot of our listeners, I imagine, get a little locked up in social situations and have two modes detached or yelling, which president is which soda?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then which soda is which cereal? And then which cereal is which superhero?

[Valerie]

And then which president is which serial?

[Pete Holmes]

And which president is which superhero?

[Valerie]

Also, I think Coke is jfk.

[Pete Holmes]

You almost didn't make it.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's because you're tethered.

[Valerie]

I'm tethered.

[Pete Holmes]

Coke is jfk.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why. I think you're wrong. JFK was controversial. He was sort of. He was a wake up call. I don't know. I don't know much about anything.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Somebody. I got some comments about us trying to explain electricity last week, which tickled me because I forgot that we did that.

[Valerie]

I did, too.

[Pete Holmes]

And similarly, I'm as in the dark, no pun intended, on presidents, as I am electricity, but I'll say so then maybe Eisenhower, who, like, I think Washington is Coke.

[Valerie]

I mean, only because he's the original. Okay, I guess. But only because we weren't alive then. We don't know about how many people didn't like Washington.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, a whole country hated Washington. Great Britain. Can I ask you something?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

When Great Britain calls itself Great Britain, I never do. You don't know?

[Valerie]

I never know.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it that they're great?

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Or that they're large?

[Valerie]

Oh, I think it's large. But if they're not very large.

[Pete Holmes]

That's my point.

[Valerie]

It is great.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like the size of Rhode Island. I.

[Valerie]

What I was going to say is I never know.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we calling some guy just spit out his tea? Rhode Island. Rhode island is our smallest state. So it was kind of a dig.

[Valerie]

It was a little American dig.

[Pete Holmes]

You could probably. How many Great Britains? How many United Kingdoms? Well, that's confusing. How many Englands?

[Valerie]

This is what I'm saying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Okay. I'm talking about England, which people tend to call Great Britain as well.

[Valerie]

Yes. This Is what I'm saying. I never know.

[Pete Holmes]

But the United Kingdom includes Scotland. And this is why their money is the same.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So it all has the queen, which is. Look, no colonizing riff here. I'm saying there is something funny about taking over a land and then being like, you use our money now.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

That's very.

[Valerie]

You use our money now.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very. It's exactly like children on the. You use our money now. And like, you know how people resist new stuff?

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like writing, you know, the wrong year on your checks.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

People still trying to pass those original Scottish dollars, which were probably called the. That's 17. Well, look, one of our wonderful Discord people is Scottish, so I feel like I can make these jokes.

[Valerie]

You have a Scottish friend. It's not bad. I have a Scottish friend.

[Pete Holmes]

I have many black Friendsters. Is a great Onion. There was an Onion headline. I have many black Friendsters. Remember Friendster made a play at Friendster. Friendster was gonna make it.

[Valerie]

When you said it, I had Friendster completely forgotten about Friendster.

[Pete Holmes]

They made it. They were going for it.

[Valerie]

What was the timeline again of Friendster? Was it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's gotta be like 95.

[Valerie]

Okay. It was before MySpace.

[Pete Holmes]

It was before Minecraft, too.

[Valerie]

And Minecraft.

[Pete Holmes]

It was definitely before MySpace. We were. Who was I. Was I talking to you? Who was I talking to about this? That you don't want to be the first to an idea. You want to be like third to an idea.

[Valerie]

Right. Because then someone's going to develop it and make it better.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're going to be the person that develops it and makes it better.

[Valerie]

If you're the third.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're the third. Yes.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

If you're the first, you're kind of in big trouble.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You want to be the third.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then they always talk about first to market. On Shark Tank. I just saw a thing about how Amazon will notice. What? Like, let's say, remember speaking of Shark Tank. Speaking about Shark Tank. We saw that, like, book those. What'd she say?

[Valerie]

I just was gonna say that's what Leila said.

[Pete Holmes]

That is what Leila said. Speaking about when you open up, it's a book and the paper is accordion style and it's lit up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So it's like a light book.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So we saw that on Shark Tank.

[Valerie]

We bought it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I feel a little bit bad about this. Well, we didn't. We bought an Amazon knockoff. It wasn't an Amazon brand knockoff.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But obviously someone. But this is My point, I just saw something pretty interesting that Amazon will notice what's killing it in not to be. Not even in their defense, they're hosting it, so I guess it's not spying. Yeah, but it is. It is kind of spying that they're like, oh, this is selling really well. We'll now bury that in the sixth page of results and we'll put the Amazon version of it. So capitalism. Capitalism.

[Valerie]

Dirty.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, this goes back to, like, what we're talking about, but you don't want to be the first to an idea like Uber has all sorts of crazy stuff in its past. Spying and. And coercion. I don't know what coercion means. Do you?

[Valerie]

Not really. Spying. I think that's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I think coercion. Oh, it means you coerced someone.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. You coerced them.

[Pete Holmes]

Matt Johnson. Canadian filmmaker Matt Johnson.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. I actually discovered. Got a little belly flip.

[Pete Holmes]

Fab. We'll go together. Oh, Feb. We'll go together.

[Valerie]

Feb. When?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I just texted him.

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

I texted him that the Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie. Looks amazing.

[Valerie]

It looks so good. I can't wait for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Which it does. I mean, it looks so good. So I think a genderless burger experience. We're going to have a genderless burger experience. Sorry, I know we're all over the place, but it's Christmas, guys.

[Valerie]

It's crazy.

[Pete Holmes]

Put your feet up and. And like, you know those. You put a penny in it in a museum and it just does a whirlpool and. Yeah, and it goes down. That's this podcast. Yeah, but, you know, don't shake the shaman. Sometimes it leads to tuna melts. Okay, don't shake the shaman.

[Valerie]

Okay, let me think about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't. Don't second guess a system that works because sometimes it leads to tuna melts. The best sandwich in the world. Oh, the best sandwich.

[Valerie]

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There are times I'd pick a tuna melt over sex.

[Valerie]

I know. I know you would.

[Pete Holmes]

You say that is an underserviced.

[Valerie]

No, no, I'm not under service.

[Pete Holmes]

We all just got, like, a real clear image of me on the couch. Lots of salty Vinnie chips. A big old honkin toonie melt. That was funny. That was funny. The timing of that. There was something wrong about it. I couldn't remember the sandwich. And it did this. Correct me if I'm wrong, you guys aren't gonna be able to see this, but it's a shape. It went like this. Yeah, it went, like, down and then back up.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But also that you're like, we're talking about sex or a tuna melt. And you're like, yeah, just me on the couch with a big old honking tuna.

[Pete Holmes]

Tuna melt is a great sando. It's a great, great sando.

[Valerie]

What did. What does that note from our daughter say?

[Pete Holmes]

I will never forget the day we met.

[Valerie]

Oh, where does. Where's that from?

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so there's a. Post it on my desk from Lila. Oh, that's says, I will never forget the day we met. And it's when it's so important. I've been thinking so much lately about how and both of us do a good job at this. Leela has. She's a whole thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Her brain is developing. She's learning language and skills and all that. Yeah, but her experience is as valid. I know this is obvious, but, like.

[Valerie]

But we haven't in the past treated children this way.

[Pete Holmes]

Been like, shut up. Come back when you know maths.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly. Like you're not really a whole person yet.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Not until you have reason and wit and candor. But Leela is going around and as we always say, we never know when the cameras are rolling, when the. When the big turntables are recording.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but.

[Pete Holmes]

Jesus Christ. But we're at the Utah airport. This is it, Remember?

[Valerie]

No, I thought that one was I've waited my whole life to meet you.

[Pete Holmes]

Which she also writes down sometimes. What is I will never forget the day we met.

[Valerie]

Maybe she's just getting that one slightly wrong.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I thought that was also on a sign.

[Valerie]

Well, I don't think so. Anyway, she wrote me this note, and I wish you could see how cute it is written because it's like everything is. It's sort of like decoding. But she wrote me a note this morning on a post. It was green letter with green. A green crayon. I'm sorry, because I say data is better than you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's too cute.

[Valerie]

And then the next post, it just says, P S. I'll give. Give is gif. I'll give a kiss to you.

[Pete Holmes]

Especially Jeff.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. Kisses. C, I, S. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's unbearable.

[Valerie]

And then I said this morning, I said, I saw your sweet note, baby. Thank you. And she, like, turned around and gave me a huge kiss on the lips, which she never does.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we had a really sweet thing. We're reading the Babysitter's Club as a graphic novel by Raina Telemagur. Telemeger, I think, who is incredible. We've read all of her books.

[Valerie]

Wait, so it's the same author as Sisters and Smile.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why we didn't know that she does the first three, and then a very capable and wonderful artist takes over for the last three. But anyway, we're reading Baby. I don't know if I'm doing it correct. I think I'm getting a strong feeling that I am. Is reading these books that are a little bit too old for her because they deal with a lot of stuff that really is very captivating. And there's a lot of conflict in these books. And when they have conflict, they leave notes for each other, the daughter and the mom. And so she did that. She's just mimicking, obviously, what she sees in the book. And it's. But it's good stuff.

[Valerie]

But it actually is, like, it's not apropos of nothing. It came from.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right.

[Valerie]

She's been really preferring you lately.

[Pete Holmes]

And she really says it, which we always say is because she feels safe with you and all these good things. But it does hurt your feelings. I mean, like, I. Sometimes I'm with her and I can see you behind her, and she's like, I like you, but not as much as dad or something like that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, I just said to her, by the way, sorry, I know this isn't a parenting podcast, but at least with the style of child. Style of child. The style of child that you have. Style of. This person's Chinese. You have a problem with this Chinese man. The style of chow. You have shy knees. So now do you have a problem?

[Valerie]

Yes, Now I have two.

[Pete Holmes]

It made it, like, a lot worse. The style of child that we have. You have to do. She's like a real ball game kid. Take her to a ball game.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, what? I never. I wanted eye contact and, like, direct address.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Of issues and. And feelings and. And whatever she wants to. Like, if she's on the back of my bicycle, little plus one seat, she'll just be like, can I tell you my deepest, darkest secret? Like, she's just. She's looking at my.

[Valerie]

She. She only tells us things like when we're in the car coloring, when our.

[Pete Holmes]

Back is facing swimming hot tub.

[Valerie]

And I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it again. I've said it so many times on this podcast so many Times. That's exactly Dr. Becky Kennedy's description of deeply feeling kids. It's like they actually can't bear it. Like, just the eye contact alone is so vulnerable for them than to, like, share something vulnerable while they're looking at you in the eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

And what happened was, I just said, because it's a really interesting thing when you're the. And you used to. You had a really long run as the preferred parent. So I remember how that felt lousy. But also, you can't take it. I'm not saying this to you. I'm remembering. I had to tell myself, don't take it personally. It's because she feels safe and all these sorts of things. But I just said to her, I was like, again, because we're reading this book and there's all these hurt feelings going around and notes and apologies and all that sort of stuff. I said to her, I was like, baby, I don't know. Do you think maybe it hurts mama's feelings when you say you like me more than her? And she immediately, like, locked up and shut down and gets really uncomfortable and, like, covers herself up and all this stuff, which is, by the way, same. That's exactly like, she's just being real. We've just learned how to, like, hold still and be like, you think so, Dave? But really what you want to do is hide. This thing is coming up, and it's so vulnerable. And. But then, like, she. From there, I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Forget I mentioned it. It's okay. And we just kept reading. And then the next day, she wrote you that note. And. Yeah, without any sorry brag. But I'm very proud that she wanted to write you that.

[Valerie]

Well, it is. It does feel like an element of parenting that I'm like, I don't really know exactly the best way to handle this because I don't want to, like, pout. And in fact, I remember telling you when I was the preferred person, like, it's that it really made a big difference or it meant a lot to me that you didn't pout. Because my dad was kind of like that, where it's like, if he felt rejected in any way, then everything became all about his feelings about that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the weirdest move in the. And this. I. I know we're on to something because I'm uncomfortable saying this. I really have been feeling a lot of love for my folks. I always have to say that it's true and they did a good job and all this sort of stuff. That could be true. I'm just kidding. It is true. But, like, my dad had that mode as well.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which just doesn't line up in the, like, ultra confident, big personality, which is your dad as well. Yes, that's exactly right.

[Valerie]

That way is because they're actually very tender and, you know, inside, so they're all guarded. But.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just gonna say that and leave that there. No, it's true. It's brilliant.

[Valerie]

Well, that's the one way I can access compassion.

[Pete Holmes]

WTL worth the listen. This podcast is already wtl. It's always something you say.

[Valerie]

No, it's true. I do think that is how I, Yeah, that's how I access compassion for Trump, is that I'm like, the people who are like that, like the pokiest people are the tenderest and gooiest inside. Like so much that they couldn't bear life, so they put on armor that had, like, spikes on it so no one could get close to them.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. Yeah. No, I, I, I feel like that's very true. By the way, I think with respect to Jolt Cola, Trump might be Jolt Cola. I also feel very strongly. I've been thinking about it a little bit. Jfk, hear me out. Is RC Cola. Because it was trying to change. Remember when he was assassinated? Again, nobody comes here for takes on a presidential history, but when he was assassinated, there were, like, so many guesses on who it could have been. There still are. It's because he was, like, really shaking things up. Like he was disrupting, I think, the mob.

[Valerie]

Jesus.

[Pete Holmes]

And there was something with South America, and then there was our own government.

[Valerie]

But this is why I just think.

[Pete Holmes]

That'S what RC Cola is doing. RC Cola is like Coca Cola, Pepsi. Shut up. Royal Crown is here, by the way, and kind of classic and classy. Somebody serves me. RC Cola.

[Valerie]

Love RC Cola. Do you know that I love RC.

[Pete Holmes]

Cola, Valerie, I don't know how to say it any stronger, but you're just, like, dyed in the wool. Exactly who I want as a person. I'm picturing a big cottony thing and it gets to dipped, and then the person who dipped it moves their fingers so there's no little finger. The whole thing has been redipped, saturated in what I like because. Yeah, of course you do. RC Cola. The blue can with the red.

[Valerie]

Well, you know what, why I love.

[Pete Holmes]

It, by the way? That's Coke and Pepsi.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

They're going like, Coke and Pepsi.

[Valerie]

Yes, we're red. And Royal Crown Cola, it's so classy. But yeah, the reason I like it is for a very not classy reason. It's because that was what I always drank with my papa when we would fish. So it's classy when I. Yeah, fishing is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, it's classy. It's it's something else. It's not classy, but it's classic. Classic.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it is. It's like Norman Rockwell thing. Like, we. I mean, and we. They never had it in their house. I don't know if it was just the soda that they had at the bait shop or something.

[Pete Holmes]

Seems like a bait shop soda, but.

[Valerie]

It is, like, specifically tied to the memory. All the smells of the pond and, like, sunscreen and bug spray and fishing with my brother and my papa boat and drinking our C Cola and.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I want to join you in the parlor here, because for all of my snobby stuff, there's a bug in here. There was. That was a very funny moment for me. Val's gonna spit. Take. Oh, no. Do it in the cup. Okay. I don't want you to. I don't like. We've talked about this. I don't like. Because it makes sense about you. Like, let's keep the focus on how funny that was over here where it belongs.

[Valerie]

I saw the whole thing. I saw the bug come close to your mouth and then a big blow, like a. Like a wet blow, like the winds of the sun.

[Pete Holmes]

It was a wet blow.

[Valerie]

A wet blow into. There's a bug in here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. And off of. Classy, too. So we used to go in our Winnebago. We had some rough ones, but we also had some classic ones.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was very similar to this, like, campgrounds, which is all we would do. I don't even know where we were going. I think we were just driving around.

[Valerie]

Going to different campgrounds.

[Pete Holmes]

Going from campground to campground. Yeah. And this is pre gps. So my dad's, you know, big dad fingering, looking at the map. We go up. It's in the crease.

[Valerie]

It's always in the crease.

[Pete Holmes]

It's always in the crease.

[Valerie]

100. They only put the destinations in the crease.

[Pete Holmes]

If where you're going isn't in the crease. Rather you don't want to go there. Everything goods in the cruise. Disneyland's in the crease.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You. You have to have a stapler covering. It's not a legitimate factual.

[Pete Holmes]

That bug is still here. But we. I remember, like, first of all, they would have arcades. We've talked about this.

[Valerie]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Which was the best. And we would do fires. And I would light. It's a memory of making my father laugh as I would light a stick on fire. And it wasn't appropriate. It was appropriation. I would do kind of a Native American thing. I'm not saying that was. Okay. I'm saying it was the 80s and that is a very fond memory because I made my dad and my brother laughed. And then it became a thing that they would ask for. They would be like, do, do your thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I would do it anyway. So that's. And I remember there being soda machines at these campgrounds too. And when you're a kid, you don't have a passport, you don't have a car. No, what you do have is 75 cents. And occasionally you'd see. Did you get it?

[Valerie]

I kind of feel like I got it.

[Pete Holmes]

I think you got it.

[Valerie]

I think I might have got it.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me finish this riff. Occasionally you'd see a soda machine, like an off brand soda machine. Oh, I was even excited for the 50 cent supermarket brand sodas.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you remember those?

[Valerie]

Yes, I do.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like 25% less. Or actually it wasn't if it was.

[Valerie]

And I feel like it was like I can't totally shape the image in my mind, but what I'm picturing is sort of like a blank, you know, it would be like a colored can with just like the name on it. Like, I'm not picturing, like, there was no logo.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no, they didn't do much. Yeah, they didn't do much. But it was 50 cents. So you could get two for the price of one. And it was fine.

[Valerie]

It was fine.

[Pete Holmes]

It was fine. It was like. People give the bagged cereal so much shit.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, Lucky Charms and Enchanted trinkets are the same, right?

[Valerie]

Well, that's right. It's not like it's like high quality ingredients. The other way around.

[Pete Holmes]

General Mills hand inspects every golden bucket or whatever the fuck.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Purple horseshoe. No, they don't.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Garbage even.

[Valerie]

Like, even I was such a strong. And still prefer Coke. But like so strongly, like, it's only Coke. I'm not drinking Pepsi. Like to the point where when I was a kid, I would order. I would say, do you have Coke or Pepsi? And they said Pepsi. I wouldn't get anything.

[Pete Holmes]

Then nothing.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Or it get root beer.

[Pete Holmes]

That was your first. Well, this is why the Coke, like, which sodas. Which whatever is interesting is because it speaks to the power of marketing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You and this. And we've talked about this before where I'm not going to go all into it, but this is why I picked Ryu. Ryu, if you're nasty in Street Fighter. Because I was like, I want to be the Coke guy. I want to be the classic guy. Maybe I'm A classic guy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then some off is Mountain Dew, which is Blanca, and Code Red, which is Trump.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Trump is in Street Fighter.

[Pete Holmes]

Trump could be in Street Fighter.

[Valerie]

Yeah, he absolutely could be. But just one of the people on.

[Pete Holmes]

The side going, oh, my God, you're my girlfriend. You're my girl. Like on the limited loop. And then when they win, they do something else. They, like, stop.

[Valerie]

I really wish you guys could. That this was a video podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Trump is sort of M. Bison. M. Bison is the last guy. Trump does seem like a guy who might organize a street fighting tournament. We're gonna do it. The greatest, you know?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The greatest from all around. All around. My voice.

[Valerie]

What I was gonna say about the Pepsi and the Coke thing is like, I wouldn't drink Pepsi. And then years went by as I aged into a healthy, somewhat healthy adult where I just wouldn't. I didn't have any soda.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And then I would drink a Pepsi and be like, yeah, this is delicious. Well, anything is this.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

Have it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you abstain.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody know. I'm gonna say this as fast as I possibly can. Everybody knows this. It was in, I believe, blink. The reason why Pepsi would win in the Coke challenge. The Pepsi Challenge. I called it the Coke Challenge.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's because Pepsi's sweeter.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So the sweeter between of two drinks will always seem more pleasant. But if you want a whole can of something, you want Coke. Coke has something like. I don't know if it's nutmeg.

[Valerie]

I. It does.

[Pete Holmes]

It's something earthy.

[Valerie]

Yes. It's got, like a all spice, kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got an all spice. What if they find it, Everything gets figured out, and they find the secret formula to Coke and it's just all spice.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, it's right on the name. It's all of the spices.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, let's go to the break.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And then when we come back, I was gonna finish this unique blend.

[Valerie]

The idea.

[Pete Holmes]

RC Colon.

[Valerie]

No, the Leela thing.

[Pete Holmes]

Which one? Which part?

[Valerie]

Handling her, preferring you.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, cute. Well, let's hit that. When we come back. If I was a Street Fighter character, who am I, though?

[Valerie]

You don't think you're Ryu?

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I have Ryu aspirations, but he's. He's like a one. He's an enneagram one.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, there's a way to do it. You train to be the best. Like, I'm not in it for the glory. I am more like Blanca.

[Valerie]

Like, which one is Blanca again?

[Pete Holmes]

Blanca's the. The. I don't know what you call him. I don't want to. I'm not even trying to be funny.

[Valerie]

The Beast. American.

[Pete Holmes]

The Beast. South American. Yeah. He's from. He's from Brazil, and I think he's a mama's boy. And he. I don't know if it's sort of like Jason Momoa is playing Blanca in the Street Fighter 2 movie.

[Valerie]

Okay. So. I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

I definitely have Ken. Aspirations.

[Valerie]

I was gonna say. I was gonna say Ken.

[Pete Holmes]

I appreciate. That's a flirt.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you're definitely Chun Li, who I.

[Valerie]

Always wanted to be, and my brother used try to win. I would watch. You said this before on the podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Who knows?

[Valerie]

Yeah, I've said this to you before, but I used to watch my brother play Street Fighter 2, and he would fighter as well. Yes. And he. I. He would play as Chun Li for me. Because if you win as Chun Li, she takes down her gorgeous hair.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And she has the whole thing about her father dying.

[Pete Holmes]

You've helped me appreciate female hair. I don't think I. I noticed the shape of it, but now if I see a woman like Marnie on girls or something.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They have, like. I know what a flex that is.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That is. Excuse me. I mean, Marnie has good hair, too, but, like, I did mean Jessa, but, like, that's their big dick energy.

[Valerie]

That is thick hair energy. Thick hair energy is all you're saying.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's not all you're saying. Let's not be pretentious. But part of the messaging there is. Look, I have so much life in me.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's not just about children. It's about you. You like. But you could support children, so it's kind of, like, sexy in that classic way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's also, like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

By the way, I had a pretty interesting chat with GPT about. I know. With apologies. I just wanted to know if in cultures where boobs are out, are they sexualized?

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you want to know the answer?

[Valerie]

Then you have to stay tuned after these messages.

[Pete Holmes]

That was great. And he sounded a little bit like Drew Barrymore. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Ritual Multivitamin. I've been taking them for years, especially around the holidays. You know how it goes this time of year. There's cakes, there's pies, there's parties, and things tend to get a little off road. That's why I'm sure to take my ritual this time of year because I know when things are a little off. I'm still supporting Supporting the Basics Ritual is the obsessively researched multivitamin that focuses on the nutrients most of us don't get from food in clean, absorbable forms without shady additives or ingredients I don't recognize. I take Ritual Essential for Men every morning. It's two delayed release capsules which I really appreciate because it's gentle on an empty stomach and it optimizes absorption. And I really appreciate the minty taste that they have, which makes taking my rituals in the morning actually downright pleasant. Ritual is so intentional, which I love. They even conducted a university led clinical trial on their Essential for Men multivitamin which I found reassuring. And everything is third party. Third party, excuse me. Tested for Heavy metals and Clean Labor Project certified. So I feel good about what I'm putting in my body. So instead of striving for perfect health, aim for supporting Foundation Foundational Health my listeners get 25% off your first [e-mail] weird that's ritual.com weird for 25% off your first month. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Element lmnt. Healthy Hydration isn't just about drinking water. It's about drinking water plus electrolytes, which makes sense. You lose both water and sodium when you sweat, so both need to be replaced. And Element does this deliciously easily with no bs, no sugar. Five calories won't break a fast and helps prevent those muscle cramps, headaches and energy dips that come with dehydration. So many electrolyte drinks have tons of crap in them. Sugar, tons of sugar, as much sugar as a can of soda. It's ridiculous. But Element has none of that. It's the optimum ratio of sodium, magnesium and potassium for health performance and energy. I start every day with my favorite flavor, which is lemonade salt. Close. Second Watermelon salt. And this floods every cell in my body with optimum hydration and jump starts my day. It's amazing before or after a workout. It's also just great when you're fasting or trying not to snack late at night because it's delicious and it fills your body with what it's craving, which is so often, in my case, salt. So get a free sample pack of Element. Their most popular flavors Citrus salt, raspberry salt, watermelon salt and orange salt. Two sticks of each flavor with any purchase when you use promo code Weird Go to support this show. Go to Support your body drinklmnt.com weird and get your free sample pack with any purchase. Promo code weird. That's drinklmnt.com weird. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. You know Squarespace, the all in one platform that makes it ridiculously easy to get your ideas out into the world. If you've ever had that. I should finally make a site for this thing moment. Squarespace is the place to actually do it. I've been playing around with it myself. They comped me for a full year, which is dangerous because now I'm like, should I launch a passion passion project? Maybe mugs, Maybe a fan page for the wonderful films of Neil Breen? The answer is yes. And thanks to Squarespace, it is stupidly easy. My favorite thing is how simple they make offering services. You can set up a page for sessions, events, consultations, whatever you got. And people can book you, pay you, and even get automated emails all in one place. It feels ridiculously professional and yet still easy enough for a goofus like me. And if you're not a designer, hi. They're cutting edge technology. Their design tools do all the heavy lifting. You can even start with blueprint AI. You tell it what you want to do and it builds you a custom great looking site in like, I don't know, 90 seconds. And then you just drag and drop stuff around until it feels like you. So head to squarespace.com weird for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code weird to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com weird promo code weird for 10 off. Okay, I have a We're back. Hot take. I think George Washington might be RC Cola.

[Valerie]

Okay, but wait, you have now.

[Pete Holmes]

I will the boobies. Okay, but it's because he's so close to England. It's like the Royal crown. It's like we're the new crown.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

And then I think Coca Cola might be jfk.

[Valerie]

I think it's jfk because not everybody does prefer Coca Cola, but most people do. And it's the 50s and it's. I mean, I know it's the 60s.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, with respect, is JFK Dr. Pepper? Because it's so good. Maybe Dr. Pepper is so. But I believe Dr. Pepper is caffeine free. I'm not sure about that.

[Valerie]

No, it's.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's not. But what am I thinking? Root beer, right?

[Valerie]

One.

[Pete Holmes]

Some of the. The sweeter browns that are caffeine free. You're like, sorry, what? What are we doing here?

[Valerie]

Okay, don't say sweeter Browns. But yes, I. One year I. Or one time when I was. I think I was maybe 10, we were gonna go camping, going back to the Winnebago. But we had. Didn't have a Winnebago. We had like a 20 foot, like tiny trailer. And so we had the trailer parked in front of our house and my mom said that I could have a friend over and that we could sleep in the trailer and like have a sleepover there. And so we like had, you know, our own little tiny kitchen and like could watch TV and lay in bed and it was so exciting. And we were at that age where it was like, okay, if it's a sleepover, that means we're gonna stay up all night. And so I bought like. Or I had my mom buy, you know, like a 12 pack of root beer and was like, this will keep us up all night. And I remember. And this was like. I remember this because what.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just. It's a funny story.

[Valerie]

You're like, here we go, here we go. Because this was one of my first little stories that had like a buildup and a punchline. And so I remember being like, we're gonna stay up and we just kept drinking the root beer, thinking it had caffeine in it. Being like, this is going to keep us up. And then at some point we just conked out. And I remember like opening my eyes and realizing that we had fallen asleep. And the first thing I saw was a root beer can that said the words caffeine free.

[Pete Holmes]

That's great. Yeah, little subjective camera. A little, yeah, little detail.

[Valerie]

Just a little 10 year old Val telling that story. Like you're not going to believe.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, mine that I wrote for Reader's Digestion, which is so stupid. Like, I don't know if you remember Reader's Digest would let you submit like a little story.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You did that. Hold.

[Pete Holmes]

I used to. I think I used to submit this is quite funny to Reader's Digest a few times and other magazines. The one was Nintendo Power and speaking of Street Fighter, but Mortal Kombat, the guy that I believe his name is Shang Tsu, he's running the tournament. Mortal Kombat. And he's the voice that goes excellent, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When you're fighting.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I just wrote in what if Shang Tzu did the. Did the play by play for the final fight with him. Excellent. Finish me.

[Valerie]

Oh my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I thought finish me was so funny. Finish me.

[Valerie]

So cute that you.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know. That's very. Like, I sat at my Little desk, it said. From, like, from the desk of Peter Holmes. And I'm writing it longhand. Not really. I know, but the story was there was a very fine machine in JJ. Calf at LHS, which was the nerd cafeteria where I proudly ate lunch.

[Valerie]

Lexington High School.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. It was the math building. And we went up and I think Ern was with me, and we pushed, you know, apple or whatever the fuck, and the whole machine just emptied. Dozens and dozens and dozens of very fine juices were coming out in cans. They were very. It sounds like Little Women. Dozens and dozens of very fine juices.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

And so many, of course, that were putting them out on a table. Big, round lunch tables. And it was a great moment in my life. I. I felt like Frank Lucas.

[Valerie]

I don't know the rest.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great pull. Frank Lucas was the gangster who later went fed, turned with the feds with the heroin epidemic in the 70s in Harlem. So Frank Lucas, though, used to go on. Thanks. He had very good pr. And on Thanksgiving, he would open up a truck and hand out turkeys to the neighborhood. That. Like, real old school. Like, this is how you do it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, also dozens and hundreds. Dozens, thousands, probably, of people died. It was awful. It was heroin. It was terrible. But he also gave out turkeys. And then he actually, you know. Well, when they caught him, what am I telling the whole story?

[Valerie]

Yeah, I'm so. I'm really interested.

[Pete Holmes]

So it is. It's a great story. It's a great. It's one of my favorite movies. American Gangster. Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe.

[Valerie]

That was Frank Loose.

[Pete Holmes]

Frank Lucas. They catch him and he turns, and because of him, they sh. He, like, gave up everybody, which I know in the crime world, that's real shitty, but in. In the world. World.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They were like, wow. It was like one of the. Turned into one of the best informants. Kind of a Whitey Bulger flavor.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

If that's. I'm not a Whitey Bulger expert. I believe he turned fed, too. I think so, anyway.

[Valerie]

Certainly, Frank Abernathy did Frank Lucas. No, I'm talking about Now. I'm talking about catch me if you can.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it, need it. Yeah, yeah. That's the play. That's kind of the dance. Yeah, we like it.

[Valerie]

We like it.

[Pete Holmes]

They get caught, and then they're like, well, you didn't really catch me, did you? Because I have names. Like, you're just. America loves talent, money, power, persuasion, and intelligence. And coercion. And coercion. Yeah. We're Back to coercion.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Anyway, so my Frank Lucas turkey moment was kids. It was after school. Kept coming into the cafeteria, and we were like, take one, take one. And it just turned into this very fun social hour. And then the punchline, like your story, which I thought was just unbelievable, was, the janitor came in. The only grownup. I think I've told this story before. On the pod, maybe. But we were like, oh, no, A grown up is here. That's the age we are. We're gonna be in trouble. Cause it looks like we're stealing these. And in essence, we are. I mean, like, the boy Scout thing to do would be like, this machine is malfunctioning. We must keep these cool. So they don't turn and call the number on the machine.

[Valerie]

Somebody's losing money here. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a really nerd. It's funny, I was trying to explain to Leila what a teacher's pet is. Cause that came up in the books. What is a teacher's pet? I would say, by the way, the punchline. Sorry. Is the janitor says, can I have one?

[Valerie]

Oh, cute.

[Pete Holmes]

And I thought that was, like, mind blowing. We were like, of course you can have one. I love that. He asked. Yeah. Like, everybody kind of was very. It was like, order in a prison. Like, they were like, these are theirs. They're the ones that push the button. It's theirs. There was like a weird, like, respect. Jungle law. Respect. Even the janitor was like, these are rightly yours by rights. Like, we had won a slot machine.

[Valerie]

Right. Wow, that's so cool. I would describe a teacher's pet as to a child.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we know what a teacher's pet is. It's a dork. That is Kiss his ass.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And like, tattle.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I said.

[Valerie]

Oh, you just say that.

[Pete Holmes]

A child who, like. Well, we use the term from Bluey, the Australian term, who dobs on other kids. Can we unpack that? Why? Because it does seem, even in modern. Go ahead. What do you got? I was gonna say, even in modern parenting, tattling is discouraged. Like, telling the truth is good, but, like, going out of your way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You see a kid take an extra milk. Stopping and going to the teacher and telling on him.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even the most. I hate that Woke. I mean, woke meaning enlightened. Woke meaning like deliberate and thoughtful parent.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Will still be like, you know, don't do that. I know he did do something wrong. But, like, let it play out. You don't have to be the face.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what A teacher's pet is somebody who dobs too much. That's what I said. Someone who dabs.

[Valerie]

That's a good description.

[Pete Holmes]

But also, like, kiss his ass. I didn't know how to say kiss his ass.

[Valerie]

Well, I would say a teacher's pet is someone who wants the teacher to like them so. So badly that they'll do anything, including dobbing on other kids.

[Pete Holmes]

My. Yeah, that's great. My. And they. And they want the teacher to like them because the teacher is powerful.

[Valerie]

Or they want the teacher's. They want to be the teacher's favorite because that's good.

[Pete Holmes]

They want to be the teacher's favorite to the. To the benefit of themselves.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And to the detriment of everyone else.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So. And also the. The classic teacher's pet is. Isn't there a quiz today?

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Which I've done by accident, by the way. I remember in high school just very innocently being like, isn't there a quiz today? Because I was anxious and everyone's like, ah. And she was like, oh, right. There is a quiz.

[Valerie]

Like, shit, that is so cute. That's so cute.

[Pete Holmes]

The teacher. I feel like these days, what we've quadrupled is consideration and respect. I think, I hope for kids, which is that I feel like a teacher now would be like, there is, but I did forget. We're gonna do it next class.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

To save the kid. You'd still get some guff for it, though.

[Valerie]

You would. There's no way around.

[Pete Holmes]

Lord knows I did. So, yeah. Dobbing, tattling.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You agree, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah, I think that's true. And it is interesting that we have. I wonder. Yeah. I wonder if there's exceptions to that, where there are conscious parents who are like, yes, always tell me when you see something, you know, or whatever. But I think for the most part, we all are in agree meant like the conscious parents and the parents screaming at their kids.

[Pete Holmes]

We all agree.

[Valerie]

We all agree, like, tattling is annoying.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a. Well, this actually goes back to what I was watching, that thing that talked about Amazon. It's like in a tribe being. Oh, actually, this was Mark Manson. Mark. Yeah. He wrote the Subtle Art of Not Giving a. It's a very good YouTube channel, it turns out. And I was watching some things about, like, why the worst people tend to succeed.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And obviously we're talking about. In business mostly when we say that. And it's like, because the ethics that help you in the village, meaning don't dab or, you know, look out for each other. Don't steal, have all this like one to one accountability. But once you get to a macro or like a zoomed out, now you're talking about billions of people or millions, there's no accountability for that. Like, so you can get away with so much more. But then he makes it. It was really nice because I don't think he was doing this. I think he's a man of the facts. So it had a warm ending, but I don't think he was making it up. He was like. But those people tend to like die alone. Like, they tend to like get overcome with guilt. Like it works, but they don't win. And that goes back to like this idea of, as I've said before, whoever the megalomaniac is, they all have quiet moments where they're just like, yeah, of course it's at great cost.

[Valerie]

We all felt the difference in ourselves of like when you're regulated and, and like awake to your life in those moments. Nobody can stay that way forever that I've ever seen.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

But like when you have moments where you're just like, wow, I'm really regulated. So I'm seeing everything clearly. Your heart just like cracks open and you have an abundance of love and you're pulling turkeys out of trucks.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

But when you have. When you're dysregulated and you sort of have like scarcity.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Then you get very much defensive of your own power. Every wanting things, you know, everything for yourself. It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

And you just keep running.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're on like thin ice. And you just keep moving and moving and moving and moving and moving.

[Valerie]

Exactly. So like, of course the trumps of the world are the most miserable. Of course they are. Because happy people are loving and generous.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

And. And you can't really be happy without those things.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. It's what I've been working on in therapy is this idea of like, with my parents never knowing what version of them I was going to get. And then that leading to like this real thick fear that I'm that way too. And I do think it's an add thing. That's not to dismiss it or forgive it or to say, let's not work on it. But like, we've talked about this before, the four slots of my mind. And I think that's an add thing. If you put in those four slots, like a loss or things are going away or money went away, or your things are tight, you'll just be tight. And I really just go like, God, I just want a higher altitude. I don't mean a godly or, like a religious altitude. I just mean, like. And you're so good at this, like the add people in your lives or people like this in your lives. It's like the Hulk. It's like when Scarlett Johansson takes the Hulk's hand.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And goes like, is that true?

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I. Christmas, obviously, there's bonuses that you have to. You don't have to pay that you do. Virtue signal.

[Valerie]

December is an expensive, expensive month. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the reason I mentioned the bonuses is we had Christmas gifts and parties and all these wonderful things, and then you realize, like, when you've already gotten, like, the check engine light on your finances.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You realize you haven't given out the bonuses to the people you work with, and you're just like, so it really is a close shave. Lately, I've just been going, like, so much of my peace, and I've been having way more. More. Way more peace. Yeah. Is just going like, this is normal. This is. This is what I think is the wisdom of age is going like, this happens.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You feel this way and it goes away.

[Valerie]

That is exactly right.

[Pete Holmes]

We're out of time, Valley.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Another way that. To put it that my therapist puts it is this is one of the things that's on the menu.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

And the more times you do it, the more you can go, like, all right. Yes, breathe.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's normal.

[Valerie]

And you know. Yeah. I literally will picture sort of a prefix menu of all of the feelings that I have and just being like, right, we just got served this one right now. And it's been. I've been here so many times, and I know it doesn't last. And I know that, you know, I know how to be here. Like, I know how to be in this state. You know, it's. It's very. That's so good. And I think that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's age.

[Valerie]

That's age.

[Pete Holmes]

I've done this before. I've. I've been scared before. I've been heartbroken before.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

I've lost a big opportunity that's happened to me. I've had, like. Like, it's a privileged life, but obviously to have your dream job, but, like, you'll get a phone call and I'm making these numbers up, but it would be like, they want you to wave at the camera and it's. It's a hundred thousand dollars. Yeah. That's at 11:00am, right. And you're like, wow, a hundred thousand Dollars. You're like, that's, that's the year I can just. You're fine. And then at 1pm they went with someone else. I'm sorry, I don't know why we said you had it. Apparently, Ike Barinholtz. I always go to Eich Bernholtz. I'm just saying, like, it comes. And sometimes I'll have that experience of major win and then major loss within a two hour window. And as I've matured, sort of fermented even. There's like a kimchi quality to getting older where you're just like, I know what it's like to get the big call. I know what it's like to lose the big call sometimes in the same day. And it all. When I say higher altitude, I mean, I just want a. A wider view of the timeline.

[Valerie]

Yes, that's right. And just remembering that it's. It's seasonal, it's cyclical, it's always in motion. It's never the same.

[Pete Holmes]

And the stress is just a familiar sensation. Yeah, taxes are. I don't even like saying that word. It fucking can freak me out. But you're just like, yep, every year it freaks you out. And every year you figure it out. And that sounds like I shouldn't even say you figure it out. Every year it sort of evens out. You keep working. You keep. Whatever it is. And it's sort of. I understand. When you're talking about finances and it's like. Or sometimes it doesn't and you have to like, moving. Whatever. I understand that. I'm just saying, like, it's hard to talk about. Yeah, I swallowed a bug.

[Valerie]

I swallowed a crazy bug. That's like a reference that only my family would get.

[Pete Holmes]

Mine's from Good Will Hunting.

[Valerie]

Oh, cute.

[Pete Holmes]

It's when Casey Affleck wants to get away from Minnie Driver so Good Will Hunting can approach her. And he's talking about like a skin disorder. And then he goes, I swallowed a bug. And he walks away.

[Valerie]

That's really cute. I remember that. Mine's from Cecil Parker, who was a pastor at our church, and he was from Kentucky, and he was speaking at a funeral and got choked up. And at the end, my dad was like, that was so beautiful, Cecil. And I think people really appreciate that you got choked up. And he said, oh, no, it wasn't that. I opened my mouth and I swallowed a crazy bug.

[Pete Holmes]

That's a great story. That's a Reader's Digest story. What is the one at the Chinese restaurant? Restaurant.

[Valerie]

Okay, so my dad.

[Pete Holmes]

What Is this one.

[Valerie]

This is a classic. This is a classic Chaney family story.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't remember it. I'm going to remember it as soon as you say it.

[Valerie]

We were in San Francisco and we went to a Chinese restaurant.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I say too, that your. Your parents are like, world traveled and I would say, like, deeply, culturally considerate.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Like if you interviewed them about what their strong suits are.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like being considerate to other cultures would be near the top of the list.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. My dad is the type of person who will go to another country and he wants to learn the language and whatever is respectful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes, yes. So this isn't.

[Valerie]

He'll try any food that's put in front of him. Like, he's. He wants to respect the culture.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Almost to a fault vis a vis this story. So I don't think I used vis a vis. Right. I never have. So we went to a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco and we, you know, like, ate our whole meal. And at the end, my dad ordered coffee and drank it. Like he. So they put the coffee down, which. This is a confusing order for things that happen.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

But they put the coffee down. He took a sip and said, mmm, this is good. What kind of coffee is that? This. The waiter didn't hear him and said, kimasuka. And he went, mmm, Kimosuka. Is that a Chinese coffee? And the guy said, no. Keem. Osuka.

[Pete Holmes]

Creamer sugar. Creamer sugar.

[Valerie]

Sorry. You have to do the accent to tell the story.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I understand. You're not. Look, we're there. The audience of this podcast is there. You're not saying anything about a group. You're saying this person said kimosuka.

[Valerie]

This one individual said he was very important.

[Pete Holmes]

This one person who's valid and has dignity and intelligence said kimosuka.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And your dad went, kim.

[Valerie]

Is that a Chinese copy?

[Pete Holmes]

No. Kimosuka. Cream or sugar? It's too good. It's too good to sweep that one away.

[Valerie]

Also, my. Our friend, our family friend growing up, John, heard the guy listing the specials, and in the special, he. He said, you know, like, we have the short ribs and that comes with a super salad and whatever. And he said at the very end, he said, okay, I think I'll have the short ribs with the super salad.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm dead. And you know what I'm going to say? When I was looking at the menu and it said, crock a French onion soup.

[Valerie]

I love this story.

[Pete Holmes]

And I went, don't say crotch. Don't say crotch. Don't say crotch. Don't say crotch. What do you have? I said, I'll have the crotch of French onion soup. It was like, off of. If you watch it, like A Christmas Story style, I'm going, don't say crotch. Don't say crotch. Don't say crotch. Crotch of French onion soup. Why? Also, that's such a kid thing.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I love the French onion soup.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You don't have to say the.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have to say the. The vehicle.

[Valerie]

I know I've probably said this on the podcast before, but back in our Applebee's days, when we were going to Applebee's a lot as a family, there was a cat. I used to get the cowboy burger. I can't believe how I used to eat. And I would be fine. And now I'd have, like, a piece of cheese. And I'm like, I'm out for the day, bro.

[Pete Holmes]

That's youth. I know we sound like oldies, but that's. I know.

[Valerie]

So it was like. You can imagine. It's like a burger with, like, bacon and onion rings and barbecue sauce.

[Pete Holmes]

I've never seen a cowboy with access to a deep fryer.

[Valerie]

Are you kidding? Cowboys. I mean. Yeah, you're right.

[Pete Holmes]

A deep fryer, not a skillet.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but this. But the south is all fried foods.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I agree. I agree. It's like where the cowboy goes when he's home.

[Valerie]

Right, Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

But not on the range. Not on a cowboy burger. On the range is like, just found a varnish.

[Valerie]

Can of beans.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a can of beans. Or like a dead something. Don't ask what it was. We cut the tail off.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly. And in the description of the cowboy burger, it would say, say howdy too. And then, like, the description of the burger. And I used to. Or I used to say, every time it was my chance to order, I would go, I'll say, howdy do. A cowboy burger. It's so stupid.

[Pete Holmes]

No, Val, have we talked about this exact thing before? Maybe because talk about dyed in the wool made for each other. Ask Thomas or Ern. Every time we went to Chili's, I'd get the nacho burger. And in the description, it said, nacho ordinary burger. Or it said, like, this is nacho ordinary burger. It's a burger that had guacamole and salsa and, like, tortilla chips on it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And every single time they would be like, please don't do it. Please don't do it. I'd go, I'll have the nacho ordinary burger. The same.

[Valerie]

It's the Same bit.

[Pete Holmes]

Just fine. Shake my hand. The same person.

[Valerie]

We were being the same person out in the world we didn't even know.

[Pete Holmes]

Is JFK 7 up? We'll be right back. We have one more little break here, and I actually want to share something. Did you have something, too?

[Valerie]

No. Oh, I never finished the Leela thing, but it's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we'll round it out with some Christmasy holiday winter spectacular kind of feelings to send you into your winter holiday season correctly. So don't go into your winter holiday season without this next part. We'll be right back.

[Valerie]

What if the justice system wasn't just about punishment? What if it could support more productive lives, healthier families, and stronger communities?

[Pete Holmes]

We changed the quality of life in the neighborhood. Homicides dropped 44% in the first couple of years.

[Valerie]

I'm your host, Ana Zamora, and I'll show you what a better justice system actually looks like, because it's already happening. Season two of When It Clicked from Lemonada Media is available December 10th. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I feel like I haven't done a lot of spiritual stuff, so this is only gonna be 30 seconds.

[Valerie]

Okay, I'll time you with.

[Pete Holmes]

With hesitancy.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying, so much of my peace comes from recognizing. Just like Ram Dass used to say, I'm awareness, or I am loving awareness, I'm this, like, space, like, quality. We've talked about this a lot on the podcast, but this is what I haven't said before. You know, when you close your eyes and we can do that unless you're driving, but if you close your eyes and say, like, look, my voice appears in this awareness, the feeling of your hands appears in this. A sound in the distance, it all kind of emerges in this space. And it's made out of that space. It's made. It's this knowing space. But. But what gets a little tricky is you go, does this space have a center or a shape or a border or a boundary? There is the felt sense that it does originate in your head. There's this feeling of, like, sure, that's all fine, but there's the felt experience. You can feel. If you're like me, you can really feel your, like, brain. Where your brain is, it's, like, lit up, and you can feel your kind of the front of your skull, maybe your cheekbones. And you go, I'm with the idea that I am an aware field, but it definitely seems to be coming from the center of my mind. And after hundreds of hours of listening to Rupert Spiro, who I love, and reading him, I finally found him sort of addressing that, which is, like, very simple. He's like, but isn't the sensation that you call my brain or the front of my face or my cheekbones or the back of my head, isn't that also just a sensation floating in awareness? And just that question made me go, like, of course. What else could it be? And then you become aware of the 360 nature of this field of awareness. It's not projected in front of you like a movie screen or like your vision is. It's actually in quotes, behind you throughout that sensation. And anything that you go, oh, that's my brain is itself just another thing you're aware of that's floating, of course, in your awareness. Does that do anything for you?

[Valerie]

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, I hear you.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? It just delocalizes it.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

He would say, like, you're no more the feeling of your face floating in that space than you are the sound of my voice. It's all just showing up inside of this.

[Valerie]

What's interesting is I've reached that point, no surprise here, by being fully doing a body scan. So my awareness is way more in my body than it is coming from my head. And then.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, interesting.

[Valerie]

And then there's. There's a medit. A pain body meditation. I. I know we recommended on this podcast years.

[Pete Holmes]

We've done it before, you and I. Yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

That's Eckhart Tolle's partner, Kim something. But she. She says, you know, like, you're. She does like a whole body scan and then says, like, is there any boundary? Like, notice the boundary of your body. And then basically, like, you open your eyes and you're so, like, dropped in that. Then she's like, look at anything in the room. Is there actually any boundary between you and that thing?

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly the same.

[Valerie]

Like, the same thing. Yeah. And so I've accessed it that way.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, the borderless experience of reality, the sheer intimacy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And urgency. It's. It's all without a line around it.

[Valerie]

This sort of takes like, the romance out of it. And I don't really know exactly. I'm out of my depth talking about this, but I do feel like there's like a gland or something in your brain that they've located that, like, regulates when you're meditating. And it is sort of near. It's like kind of where the third. Yeah. The third eye comes from the seed of the soul.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what they Call it.

[Valerie]

Is it.

[Pete Holmes]

What's interesting to me though, you knew.

[Valerie]

More about it than I did.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the pineal gland is, is real fun for the woo woo, YouTube loving people, you know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Like, oh, I would think it would.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a pine cone. Oh no, I know, but like where it gets interesting is you see a lot of pine cones in like ancient Egyptian.

[Valerie]

I see.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's like you see it at the Vatican.

[Valerie]

There's like a giant sequence thing.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's like a. Why would this so called primitive culture seem to know and understand and appreciate this tiny piece of the brain which they are like. But you see, I, I go one click further and say like the pineal gland is just another thing appearing inside of awareness. It, it sort of goes with the like. If you think matter makes consciousness makes awareness, then the pineal gland is very exciting. If you think everything exists inside of awareness like a dream. The pineal gland is just another piece of everything.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I heard Rupert talking about that today. He's like a lot of times again, why I couldn't be a spiritual teacher is a lot of people stand up and they just kind of want him or maybe the group or maybe both to validate some far out experience that they've had.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Which I completely understand. But I'm just like, it would just be so tempting to just be like great.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But he's like, that's, that's fine, that's valid. But he's like, in what we're doing here, trying to understand the nature of reality, there's no difference between seeing a bright light or having an out of body experience or experiencing like some sort of visual sense of like I'm, I'm the entire universe. Or the taste of your tea. He's like, exactly. Both are the same.

[Valerie]

I knew he would say tea.

[Pete Holmes]

It is what he would say. But we talked about this last week. One taste. Yeah, the one taste of everything is the knowing of it and yeah, that's it. Okay, let's end with something like boners or something.

[Valerie]

Well, let's end with something Christmassy, like share a Christmas memory that you have or like a favorite in. And maybe it's not even a childhood memory but, but like maybe a favorite Christmas memory that you've had in your entire life.

[Pete Holmes]

You know where I go. Which is kind of interesting because it's, it ties into what we were talking about earlier. And I'm going to try and take. Put some of my. Not just the elf on the shelf. I'm going to put some of my loving, of my own pain and my story and how. How interesting I am that Christmas was always sort of like a mixed bag.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You love it.

[Pete Holmes]

I do love it. I'm going to put that to one side. We used to go to my aunt's house. I forget where it was in Massachusetts, but it was somewhere where I feel like we had to get on, like Route 1 or something. Like, it was kind of tricky to get to, but we loved going there because my cousins Raymond and John would give us gifts. And I've talked about before very four of me, the year that my brother was too old for gifts or like just a little too old for gifts. I was also cut off. Understandably. There was no year where they just got me a gift and not one for my brother. So when my brother was a little too old, but I was two years younger, I also stopped getting gifts. And I remember being like, well, that's kind of also.

[Valerie]

That's so weird to me, the concept of being too old for gifts, bro. They didn't give any of the adults gifts.

[Pete Holmes]

The adults did exchange gifts. Yeah. You're really.

[Valerie]

It's just. Teenagers don't get gifts.

[Pete Holmes]

When we were little, we got gifts and they would be like, looking back and I'm actually talking about how much it meant to me. It was clearly like the CVS cap guns. It wasn't like a. It was like good. Good uncle stuff.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or cousin. Cousin stuff where it's like they get you the stuff that a parent might be like. Well, that's just kind of cool trash.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we would get like the remote control tank or something.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we would love it. But you're absolutely. You're absolutely right. At a certain point, the kids. Just. Me and my brother stopped getting gifts. But the grownups did continue giving gifts.

[Valerie]

So bizarre. And I'm thinking they just didn't know what to buy. That age, I guess, bracket.

[Pete Holmes]

But you'd think it was all about kids still. But it wasn't. It was like sweaters. It was so boring.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we just got cut off. We just didn't get presents at a certain point. And there. And even when we did, it was just in my recollection, my cousins Raymond and John. So anyway, the good memory I had was actually in college, we were going to my aunt's house and my uncle. We called him Uncle Stoney. His name was Uncle Tony, but we called him Uncle Stoney. Something my dad did, something Uncle Tony liked to see.

[Valerie]

Smoke a little weed.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think he smoked Weed. But he did have his own bar. There was a bar downstairs. And I remember one Christmas, I was probably 19 years old, I asked for a Coke because they're all drinking, because that's it. And he brought me and my brother a Coke. And I sipped it. And I think he made a joke like he was Lithuanian. So he was like, I put a little something in there. Right. And I. To this day, I don't know if he did really. He might have put a little Jack Daniels in there. And the specialness of that, drinking it again. If he did, it was like a thimble.

[Valerie]

I mean. Yeah. Because I feel like he would have tasted it.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know what a Jack and Coke tasted like. I remember, though, there was a lot of speculation. It kind of lit up the room. My mom took a sip of it. Everybody was going to. I don't know, like, we couldn't tell. And I felt like such. Like. I felt like that was like a coming of age was that uncle Stoney gave me and my brother, I think, a Jack and Coke. A tiny Jack and Coke.

[Valerie]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

And even if he didn't. Even if that was 100% Coke, it still is the best cocktail I've ever had in my life.

[Valerie]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

And I didn't feel anything. Yeah, it wasn't like that. But I just remember being like, a place where I didn't feel, like, bad, invisible. I don't mean that in, like, a wounded way. I just mean, like, this was about them, the grownups. And me and my brother would go downstairs and watch tv. It just wasn't a kid event.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In that one moment, I felt like I had crossed a threshold into being seen. Like, Peter is 19. I'm going to give him this rite of passage. Even if he didn't.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It felt like it was. So that's a very fun.

[Valerie]

That's a good one. That's really sweet. And I love that he didn't break. Like, he didn't tell people. Like. Like, they must have been like, stoney, did you put it in?

[Pete Holmes]

I believe it. I also like that level of like. No. Really just didn't really happen, like, in that decade. This is the 90s.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe even the early 2000s. Yeah. 98. 99. But like. Yeah. I don't think parents would dare be like, okay, all well and good. Did you? Yeah, that just didn't really happen.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I. I want to take my memory since you asked.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't think I had to. I thought we were playing.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I was totally the Memory game.

[Valerie]

Like, because I'm pretty sure I've shared on here that that my. Like, my most Christmassy memory is that my mom used to build a fort for my brother and I every year. And the purpose was, like, I think it started out as, like, we're sleeping in the living room because maybe we'll catch Santa. And we would watch A Christmas Story because TBS would. And I feel like it was. Whatever it was before it was TBS even would. Would play A Christmas Story. 24 hours of a Christmas Story. Did you ever experience that? Like, was that just a California thing?

[Pete Holmes]

That sounds familiar, but we've talked about Christmas Story. It just wasn't embraced by my house. Right.

[Valerie]

But that was like our Christmas movie, so we would.

[Pete Holmes]

Our Christmas movie was no movie. That is me being a stink. But we didn't really have, like, a.

[Valerie]

A Christmas.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a lot of, like. I'm realizing there's, like, an ache there. I'm like, oh, how sweet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm like, I don't know.

[Valerie]

But we're doing it now.

[Pete Holmes]

We are.

[Valerie]

Our Christmas. We have a lot of Christmas movies now, but our big Christmas movie is Muppet Christmas Carol now.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm proud to say we watched the best Christmas pageant ever, which, I mean, I know I'm in, but we really like it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's so good. So my mom would make this fort by safety pending safety pinning sheets together to make just, like, one giant super parachute thing. And then, like, wrap it around the tv, and then we would sleep on the floor. And because it was wrapped around the tv, we could watch A Christmas Story in the fort, and we would just, like, watch it until we fell asleep. And I always woke up at the credits, which is something that I still do if I fall asleep during a movie, I will always wake up at the credits. Like, how. If you fall asleep in the car, you'll always wake up when you turn on your. Do you have that?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

Anyway, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That is a real phenomenon.

[Valerie]

It's a real thing. It's like your body is.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a dog so much.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Bo knows. Like, I did. Who cares? But I did breath work this morning, and there's a certain chair I like to do it in. I never sit there. Really? And I was like, I'm gonna do breath work. Val's doing something at the school. I'm gonna go do it. And I went. And Beau was already waiting for me there.

[Valerie]

I was like, so good. Well, you know the thing where with using pet cabs, pet cams pet cams.

[Pete Holmes]

They know that they're waiting for you when you decide to go home.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

It's so cute. Okay. Anyway, so we would fall asleep during the movie, but I always woke up. And it's like, such a specific. The credits of that movie is the most Christmassy, I feel, where it's just an instrumental of we wish you a merry Christmas and, like, the red scroll over their house with, like, snow and that combo, like, that image is the quickest way for me to, like, feel like I felt when I was a kid where it's like. Because I remember, like, I would get the remote and turn it off. My brother would be asleep, and it would be like, that's it. Like, I just go to sleep. And tomorrow is Christmas morning. Like, it's finally here. It's happening. So. But I was gonna say I want to use my memory to, like, have a mom appreciation moment. Because now that I'm a mom, I really see, like, it's just so much work for moms not to be, like, gender normative. And, you know, I know that there's. Everybody's relationships are different, but, like, in general, it's like, it's so many things. You're remembering gifts for everyone. You're wrapping everybody's gifts. You. We have to make cookies for her. School's cookie exchange. I have to today still figure out how to get her a white top because she has her winter performance tonight. This morning, while you were doing breath work. Not like, while you were doing breath work, but, like, you mentioned that I was doing something. I was at the school hanging twinkle lights with the other moms. Like, decorating the whole space. Coming home, grabbing lamps and little mini Christmas trees and. And, like, I love it, but it's so much. It's just constant. And you're. And there's always something that you're forgetting where you're like, oh, yeah, I guess we need to get a. I guess Uncle John is coming for Christmas and I didn't get him a gift. And I, you know, and you help with the gifts. It's not like you do nothing. You do help, but it's just a lot of work.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yes.

[Valerie]

And I'm remembering now that, like, my mom just made it so special. Like, she really worked hard to keep up. That's why she kept up the Santa thing so long that even, like, after we didn't believe, it was still, like, she's hiding the gifts in new places in the house so that we don't find the gifts. And she's Only bringing them out. And she's. This is something that I've carried on, too. Have Tried to carry on, like, wrapping the Santa gifts in a completely different wrapping paper and, like, using slightly different handwriting for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You know, like, and just so that we could, like, have the experience of, you know, there'd be, like, a couple gifts under the tree, but then when you wake up in the morning, there's like, all these gifts. And. And she was building us this fort every year, and there's a specific year where she had the flu. She had, like, 103 flu.

[Pete Holmes]

Her flu game.

[Valerie]

Her flu game, Exactly. And we were older, like, we might have been in college.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And my brother and I, like, came home for Christmas, and she was like, you know, I. I figured we won't do the fort this year because you guys are older, and. And I think we had our partners then, and we were like, we're. We were all four gonna sleep in the fort.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

And my brother was like, no fort. Like, it's our tradition. And so we went to the movies, and my mom, with, like, 103 fever, made a giant fort for us.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

And it's just like.

[Pete Holmes]

That's amazing.

[Valerie]

Good job, mom. Yeah, thanks. Thanks to all the moms out there.

[Pete Holmes]

The bars are, like, 1920.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

It shows to go. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I mean, I have a lot of fun kid memories, but, like, there's so. Yeah, those. Those Christmases were special, too, and they deserve.

[Pete Holmes]

They sure were. Yeah. They sure were.

[Valerie]

All right, everyone. Well, Jingle bells jingle all the way.

[Pete Holmes]

Jingle Bells is a snow song, not a Christmas song.

[Valerie]

Snow is Christmas.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm kidding. Okay. We will wish you a merry Christmas.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And we're taking a. Oh, yeah, we.

[Pete Holmes]

Have a couple weeks off.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'm so glad we had this, like, kind of hot chocolate laid back. We made it weird.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Enjoy your holiday seasons. Whatever you celebrate.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

And we'll see you on the other side.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll see in the new year.

[Valerie]

Keep it crispy. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium, are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.