We Made It Weird #237

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #237
Date: January 16, 2026
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-host: Valerie

Main Theme

This episode is a classic freewheeling, conversational “We Made It Weird” with Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie, exploring the quirks of self-expression, personal growth, stand-up comedy origins, pop culture, therapy, and the complex territory of modern social issues. The episode kicks off 2026 with characteristic warmth, silly riffs, and deep dives into movies, cultural phenomena, and self-reflection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Returning After a Break and Stand-Up Tour Stories

• Pete and Valerie reflect on taking an unintended three-week break from the podcast due to technical difficulties.
• Pete recaps his recent sold-out shows in San Francisco, expressing gratitude for enthusiastic audiences and recounting a memorable on-stage moment where he guessed an audience member’s name (Diane) to wild applause.
  • Notable Moment [05:06]:
    • Pete: “I like to guess names. And a woman just walked in, and I said, welcome, Diane. And she had her ID out... she hands me her license, and it says Diane. And... people in the audience were throwing their arms up like, it was like this touchdown explosion of excitement.”

2. Cultural Shifts in Self-Expression

• The hosts discuss how younger generations express themselves more freely through fashion compared to their own youth.
• Pete recalls his punk rock phase, the fashion intimidation he felt, and how he would have been more confidently expressive if he could do it again.
  • Quote [01:28]:
    • Pete: “Now, I'll say this about the kids. These days, you just see so much more self expression... Dyed hair and jewelry and just like, thrift store stuff...”

3. The Allure and Pitfalls of Improv & Comedy

• Pete talks about his discomfort with watching others improvise, admitting he’d rather participate himself.
• The pair riff on improvisational bits, referencing legendary improvisers and the joy (and jealousy) sparked by watching others excel at it (e.g., Harry Mack the freestyle rapper).
• Pete confesses the beginnings of his own comedy identity were rooted in copying what others did before finding authenticity.
  • Quote [12:12]:
    • Pete: “Watching people improvise bugs me. Because I'm not doing it... I just want to be doing it.”

4. Processing Family Dynamics Through Film

• Deep dive into how movies, especially “The Apprentice” and “There Will Be Blood,” help Pete understand his own father-son dynamic and internalized feelings about achievement and parental approval.
• The discussion unpacks the complexity of surpassing a parent’s expectations and the unexpected pain that can come with it.
  • Quote [29:19]:
    • Pete: “In There Will Be Blood it makes a much more interesting point... Daniel’s brother goes: ‘You should buy that house, Daniel.’ And he goes, ‘I think if I saw that house now, it would make me ill.’ That’s it. That’s what we’re talking about.”

5. Trauma Metaphors and Emotional Triggers

• Valerie extends the metaphor of being ‘trapped in a room’ from the film “Room” to the discomfort of revisiting traumatic family experiences after escaping them.
• Pete articulates his hard limits on what he can and cannot riff about, particularly around dark topics involving children.

6. Comedy Origins: Bad Closers and Old Material

• Pete and Valerie revisit Pete’s earliest stand-up bits—the “worst closers.” He cringes at his old routines about waiting tables and Jeep Wranglers, seeing them now as telltale signs of a young comic desperate for identity and laughs.
  • Quote [52:43]:
    • Pete: “...when you’re starting comedy, you’re so desperate for any sort of guaranteed response, that it’s more appealing to be like, ‘my two... I do remember my two tops just got double sat. Oh, God, it’s so fucking stupid to me now.’”

7. Pop Music, Diss Tracks, and Rivalries

• The hosts discuss contemporary pop music drama, specifically a “diss track” exchange between Charli XCX and Taylor Swift. They chew over the idea that public feuds often mask subconscious admiration or even affection.
  • Quote [37:47]:
    • Valerie: “Taylor Swift, on her most recent album, did a, like, return diss track called Actually Romantic. And it's—the premise is like, ‘Wow, you talk about me so much. It's actually romantic.’”

8. Modern Masculinity, Fashion, and Vulnerability

• The conversation explores what both hosts would wear if social expectations didn’t matter (lots of soft pants and no bras).
• Pete observes that even those who claim not to care (e.g., some rappers) often meticulously curate their public personas.

9. Riffing on Mark Ruffalo’s Sexiness

• The show detours into a lengthy, affectionate discussion of Mark Ruffalo’s charisma and how “every part of the Ruffalo” was used in the show “Task” (referring to HBO’s “I Know This Much is True”). They invent the term RDE—Regular Dude Energy.
  • Notable Quote [43:22]:
    • Pete: “No, I think he's got RDE—regular… He's just like… I don't know, you just feel maybe he has a little mysterious... He feels… very deep and thoughtful.”
  • Fun Bit [41:48]:
    • Pete: “That show uses every part of the Ruffalo.”

10. Boundaries in Comedy: Discussing Taboo and Sensitive Topics

• Pete voices his reservations about joking on certain taboo topics (e.g., rape culture, “barely legal” porn tropes), noting discomfort with how culture commodifies youth.
• Valerie relates this to wider issues of “rape culture” and how it can be fueled by media and pornography.

11. Cultural Appropriation and Identity

• Lively debate around cultural appropriation, intent vs. impact, and how attitudes vary over time.
• Pete and Valerie hash out whether cross-cultural admiration (e.g., a white person wearing a dashiki) is ever truly “okay” and recognize that answers will shift with cultural context and evolving sensitivity.
  • Quote [65:09]:
    • Pete: “...hot take: where we’re at with some of the hypersensitivity of cultural appropriation won’t be where we’re at in 10 years. It’s just gonna keep changing and evolving.”

12. Rites of Passage and Evolving Traditions

• The couple talk about ear piercing, tattoos, and other bodily rites of passage as important emotional thresholds, especially for their daughter.
• Valerie describes swimming in the ocean as her own private ritual of transformation:
  • Quote [76:30]:
    • Valerie: “I sort of feel that way every single time I get in the ocean. I just treat it a little bit like a baptism.”

13. Self-Reflection: We Are Mysteries to Ourselves

• The hosts emphasize that everyone—even themselves—is a mystery, often unclear on their own true motivations and feelings, whether about music, comedy, or culture.
• Pete frames this as the essential challenge and beauty of the human condition.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “[...] you have to buy the pre-studded black belt. Wait, were you hot gluing these studs onto your belt?” —Valerie [03:00]
• “Nobody puts Briby in a corner.” —Pete riffing on Brie Larson [19:35]
• “I fart like a Japanese businessman.” —Pete [09:18]
• “The guy in the flowing barber's cape needs to take a deuce.” —Pete on the realities behind legal jargon [22:19]
• “If you're eating Millet, I know a lot about your footwear.” —Pete [32:56]
• “I learned that doing Best Week Ever: you say, ‘I love Hulk Hogan. Nothing like a racist guy with a spray tan and a mustache that looks like an upside down U…’ It's just a way of going, let's talk about it.” —Pete [61:31]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Stand-up tour and “Diane” moment: [04:55] – [05:27]
• Self-expression in youth fashion: [01:18] – [02:39]
• Improv envy and Harry Mack riff: [12:12] – [13:50]
• Films as personal metaphors/family dynamic: [15:12] – [17:24]; [28:21] – [29:43]
• Trauma metaphors (“Room”/Stockholm syndrome): [17:38] – [21:47]
• Comedy “worst closers” – early career bits: [51:22] – [56:17]
• Pop music drama: Charli XCX vs. Taylor Swift: [36:07] – [37:47]
• Mark Ruffalo, RDE, and ‘every part of the Ruffalo’: [41:13] – [44:02]
• Cultural appropriation, changing norms: [65:09] – [73:26]
• Rites of passage (ear piercing, tattoos): [75:01] – [76:43]

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Tone, Style, and Atmosphere

• The tone is loose, improvisational, warm, and self-aware—oscillating between irreverent humor and heart-on-sleeve candor.
• Riffs are spontaneous and often self-deprecating, with frequent callbacks, in-jokes, and affectionate ribbing.
• The episode exemplifies why “We Made It Weird” is both a comedy and a surprisingly empathetic exploration of what makes people tick.

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Final Thoughts

For long-time fans and new listeners alike, this episode offers a blend of laugh-out-loud riffs, intimate storytelling, and thoughtful cultural commentary. Pete and Valerie’s chemistry shines as they move seamlessly between silly hypotheticals, heartfelt confessions, and enjoyable detours into pop culture, all while keeping things “crispy.”

Ending Note:

• “Keep it crispy.”
• [78:13] – Valerie: “All right, babies, well, we'll see you next week. Yeah, keep it crispy.”

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For more, visit: lemonadamedia.com

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening, weirdos? We're back. We're back in a big way.

[Pete Holmes]

We're back in a big way. I'm not gonna say it. I don't like it. It's a new. It's a new year. That's all I'll say.

[Valerie]

You just don't. You don't like saying happy New Year.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a joke where I say I like saying it, but the truth is, it just. It. It's okay. I'm okay with it. Yeah, it's a little too. I'm in the. I'm in the masses.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you just don't like being in the masses.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

You just won't do anything. You're so punk rock.

[Pete Holmes]

I love punk rock.

[Valerie]

I know you do.

[Pete Holmes]

I loved it. I'm gonna wear skin tight red plaid pants. With hoop belt. With hoop belt?

[Valerie]

With hoop belt.

[Pete Holmes]

Dr. Martins?

[Valerie]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Thrift store jacket.

[Valerie]

Did you wear these things?

[Pete Holmes]

I never went. The pants I would have. I kind of, you know, if I could go back, I would be like, just go get those pants.

[Valerie]

You know you want them.

[Pete Holmes]

Just do it. I just thought there was like a punk rock police that would be like, you can't do that. But now, I'll say this about the kids. These days, you just see so much more self expression. If you went to a school, like we toured a school Leela might go to, and you're just like, what?

[Valerie]

They're all lots of different types of things.

[Pete Holmes]

Dyed hair and jewelry and just like, thrift store stuff. And I was very obsessed with a girl in high school, and she wore pants like these red bell bottoms. And I was like, where did you get those? And they were like. They were in the theater department. They were in the costume wow closet. And I just was like, what?

[Valerie]

That's cool.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why. I was like, you have to wear Marshalls.

[Valerie]

What are Marshalls?

[Pete Holmes]

TJ Maxx. Oh, Marshalls is just a TJ Maxx.

[Valerie]

TJ Maxx. So when you were punk rock, were you still sagging your jeans? Like every Boston man I've ever seen.

[Pete Holmes]

Confusing, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I also wouldn't get the full studded black belt. The black belt with the studs on it. My belt had some studs on it. I would sag my pants. I was just like a mismatch of like, this is what my brother does. This is what Rancid does. This is what Green Day does. This is what Nirvana does. So my hair was long, not punk rock.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I wore a black motorcycle jacket with studs in it that I got at a store called Hubba Hubba in Harvard Square. It was a S and M shop used to go in and there would be like face dildos. And I would l and I would just like buy a little thing of studs to put on my belt. Wow. Also do it, Pete. Buy the pre studded black belt.

[Valerie]

Wait, were you hot gluing these studs onto your belt?

[Pete Holmes]

You'd have to pre with scissors. Poke holes in the belt and then push. And then it's like a adhesive. Yeah. It's like you put a legal document together.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It folds on the back.

[Valerie]

Brad.

[Pete Holmes]

A hanging brad.

[Valerie]

I love that. Those are called brads.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Brad.

[Valerie]

I've always loved that.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think I knew that.

[Valerie]

It's so weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Brad.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Brad Pitt.

[Valerie]

Which came first?

[Pete Holmes]

The Brad Pitt would be a good name for a sex.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Because they're selling it, but nobody would get it.

[Valerie]

A sex office supply store.

[Pete Holmes]

A sex office. The Brad Pitt. Not the Office Depot. The Brad Pitt. These are good riffs. These are good.

[Valerie]

These are like the bonus little bonus riffs.

[Pete Holmes]

Pony riffs. Pony riffs. Pony riffs. So we finally did this one Val's Way, where the ads are just gonna drop in.

[Valerie]

Okay, well, you don't have to do it hostile.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I meant that in like a B52s. Like 15 miles to the drop in.

[Valerie]

So you'll never know when they're coming.

[Pete Holmes]

I got me an ad.

[Valerie]

It's about perfect jeans.

[Pete Holmes]

It's about to be teams.

[Valerie]

We both froze.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. I wanted to freeze, though. It felt good to be alive. I do want to say thanks to everybody that came out to San Francisco. Five soldies.

[Valerie]

That was so fun. I was an audience for two of those shows.

[Pete Holmes]

You guys just don't know what a gift that is. Not only to fill it up. And Cobbs is a big ass club, so there's always a little tick anxiety.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And then to go out every show.

[Pete Holmes]

And they sold out ahead of time. So I, I, I talked about on stage. I was like, you don't know how fun it is when people you, like, run into someone you don't like and they're like, I'd like to come. And you're like, sold out.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it feels nice to be like the people that are at the show are the people that wanted to be at the show.

[Valerie]

It was so.

[Pete Holmes]

They were great shows.

[Valerie]

Fun to watch you.

[Pete Holmes]

And we posted the Diane clip.

[Valerie]

Oh, great. That Was. I'm so glad I was there for the first time.

[Pete Holmes]

One of the best moments of my.

[Valerie]

Accurately guessed.

[Pete Holmes]

I was guessing. I was already guessing names.

[Valerie]

People's names.

[Pete Holmes]

I like to guess names. And a woman just walked in, and I said, welcome, Diane. And she had her ID out. She must have just shown it to the guy at the door.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She hands me her license, and it says Diane. And you can't see it in the video, but I throw my hands up like Rudy. People in the audience were throwing their arms up like, it was like this.

[Valerie]

Touchdown explosion of excitement.

[Pete Holmes]

The video doesn't capture it. It was really, really fun.

[Valerie]

It was so fun. I love San Francisco, too. And it was romantic because it was our. The place where we met and we.

[Pete Holmes]

Took our first Waymo.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And that was what was romantic about it. It was waymantic.

[Pete Holmes]

Waymantic. I had a riff. Waymo was great, but it doesn't pick you up where you are, and it doesn't drop you off where you're going. And I'm like, that's, like, the whole thing. Why?

[Valerie]

I mean, it does if it would.

[Pete Holmes]

Drop you, like, two minutes, but if it's raining, it would be annoying. Please drop me in front of where I'm going. And it's like, no, it's safer to be in the alley behind it. Look, it's a miracle.

[Valerie]

It's a miracle.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a miracle. We shouldn't be riffing on it. Like, yes, you have to walk 90 seconds. But, like, look, I'm a coworker. I'm gonna make fun of your robot car. But it was fun. Anyway, we're so glad you're here. We're so happy to be back. This is a great episode. And I am North Carolina. South Carolina. Carolina, I believe.

[Valerie]

North Carolina.

[Pete Holmes]

If you want to help, help me stick it. Please help me stick it. Not stick it. But, like, I sometimes get these things. They're like. I think it was, like, a week ago. North Carolina and South Carolina were about 75, 80% sold. And they're like, do you want to do, like, morning news? And I was like, I can't. I'm driving to the show. Like, so please, let's have the Internet be as wonderful as we know it to be. Go to PeterHomes.com, come to Durham, come to Charleston. And then I'm going to be in Miami, Michigan, Texas, Madison, Wisconsin, and Denver, Colorado. Not that many tour dates.

[Valerie]

Well, we, you know, you're finally, like, finally slowing down. Slowing down a little bit so we.

[Pete Holmes]

Can have you So I can have you.

[Valerie]

So I can have you.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, get ready for some serious Mark Ruffalo talk. We're glad you're here. And his rde. Find out what RDE means in this episode of We Made It Weird.

[Valerie]

Valerie, get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

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[Valerie]

Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me, the show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stor, their humor and their hard earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on it all Wiser Than Me from Lemonade Media. Premieres November 12th. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, no. Why? Because I burped? Yeah, it wasn't like a gross. I'm not a burp fan.

[Valerie]

You're not?

[Pete Holmes]

I'll take.

[Valerie]

No, you would. You would, you dirty bird.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you would.

[Valerie]

No, I mean, I would say you fart as freely as everyone else burps.

[Pete Holmes]

I fart like a Japanese businessman. I feel like the Japanese have a better.

[Valerie]

You think they are.

[Pete Holmes]

It sounds like I'm being like shots fired. I'm just saying, like, I feel like the Japanese are a little bit more like. Of course. Just like a little like.

[Valerie]

What is this based on?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm about to ask the Internet.

[Valerie]

Don't just take the L, let's just.

[Pete Holmes]

Let it take the L. Take the.

[Valerie]

L. Take the R. I'm excited to talk to you. The R. Take the R. Let me think.

[Pete Holmes]

Some Asian countries split up the L's.

[Valerie]

Okay, take the R. We're starting hot.

[Pete Holmes]

Hot.

[Valerie]

Really going for it. And that.

[Pete Holmes]

That is. That's just like a. That's sort of a. I.

[Valerie]

No, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not awful. No, it's just sort of like it's a known thing. There was a Simpsons gag where they said toys L us as well.

[Valerie]

It's also toy store and Lip my stocking.

[Pete Holmes]

Lip my. Stop stocking. Yeah, Lip Them.

[Valerie]

Lip them.

[Pete Holmes]

You want me to lip them?

[Valerie]

Lost in Translation. So good.

[Pete Holmes]

So good. So good. Good. Lonely movie. I'm excited to talk to you, too.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I just feel like we've been gone.

[Pete Holmes]

I know we have. Well, there was a goof in a bit. There was a goof.

[Valerie]

What was the goof?

[Pete Holmes]

Wasn't a big goof. There was just a goof. And, you know, we don't. I'm not going to go into it, but we weren't going to take last week off, but then there was a goof. We had episodes, but there was technical difficulties, so we.

[Valerie]

I thought we were always going to take two weeks off and didn't we? Or did we take three weeks?

[Pete Holmes]

We took three weeks off.

[Valerie]

Oh, dang.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why it feels extra crispy. Extra crisp.

[Valerie]

Way to use the lingo of the show. We didn't even know. Do you know that I don't even know what keep it crispy is from.

[Pete Holmes]

What it's from.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You know what fun. Yeah. I think let's keep it that way.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh.

[Valerie]

Mostly because I don't care.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

I'm just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

No, no, no.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's talk like we're in a coffee commercial. We kind of are.

[Valerie]

Kind of already are.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I like it.

[Valerie]

It's because we both love how smooth our voices sound in the headphones.

[Pete Holmes]

We have our headphones.

[Valerie]

We have headphones. Voice.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. It's sweaty balls.

[Valerie]

I do it on. On landlines, too. Like in hotels when I call.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[Valerie]

Get over how we've talked about this before, but sweet and clear. My voice sounds.

[Pete Holmes]

You can be like, hi. Hi.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So I'm like, good night. Hi.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, that was Great. That was 80s. That took me.

[Valerie]

That was 80s. Why was that 80s?

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mean bad 80s.

[Valerie]

Look at how happy I am.

[Pete Holmes]

It is great. Hubba Bubba bubblegum. Could I have a Hubba Bubba bubblegum?

[Valerie]

I feel like we're both only talking to ourselves.

[Pete Holmes]

Hubba Bubba bubblegum.

[Valerie]

Hubba Bubba bubble gum. Hubba Bubba bubble gum.

[Pete Holmes]

Hubba Bubba bubble gum. That's why I don't like. Look, I. I'd like to have Christopher guess on the podcast. What a treasure. But we've talked about this before. But, like, watching people improvise bugs me.

[Valerie]

Oh.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I'm not doing it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just want to be doing it. So if I saw Eugene Levy being like, huh? Bub. Bub bubble gum. I'd be like, well, that looks fun.

[Valerie]

Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

I'd like to. I'd like to put on some silly glasses and say, hubba Bubba, bubble gum, but I don't want to watch you do it. Yeah, I feel that way about a lot of stuff I need. Yeah. Is it? Well, I hope people listening to this podcast enjoy. Hey, we'll. We'll give some gaps for you to riff.

[Valerie]

That was a good one.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Valerie]

Good job.

[Pete Holmes]

Nice.

[Valerie]

I. But do you feel like when you see somebody doing it so well. Yes. I know already know the answer because this is what Valley he. When you see somebody doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

In.

[Valerie]

A way that you couldn't do well.

[Pete Holmes]

Valley Heat is like. He's a Christian. Dugay is like a color.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like. It's like a color I don't have. I wouldn't. It's not even my ego that says I don't have it. I don't. I just mean it's not about me having it or not having it. It's about something being so authentic. Like, we've talked about Harry Mack, the freestyle rapper. Harry Mack. This is something he could sample. Harry Mack. Harry Mack, the freestyle rapper.

[Valerie]

Oh, Harry Mack.

[Pete Holmes]

Harry Mack.

[Valerie]

Never heard of him.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? Like, Harry Mack.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but it would.

[Pete Holmes]

But then it would be like, Harry Mack. Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac. Yo. He'd come in. Yeah, he'd come in. He'd come in. He'd come in and it'd come in, and it'd be beautiful. Kind of calm Trump. I'm just having a bowl of Grape Nuts.

[Valerie]

Coffee. Coffee shop Trump.

[Pete Holmes]

Teenage Trump.

[Valerie]

What's teenage Trump sound like?

[Pete Holmes]

Honestly, it was more like. Hello?

[Valerie]

Yeah, it was regular.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like a regular guy.

[Valerie]

Well, you kind of see that they'd show. Don't they kind of do that in the movie that we loved with the Apprentice? Yeah, yeah. And like, where he's like, well, Dad, I don't.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to go down to the.

[Valerie]

And then. Yeah, well, yeah. I love that they showed that.

[Pete Holmes]

That was one of my favorite movies. I. Is this. I feel like this is Rich as we connect.

[Valerie]

And who the fuck is Rich?

[Pete Holmes]

Who the fuck is Rich? I. Rich is a funny thing to name somebody. This is Rich.

[Valerie]

You name him Richard, right?

[Pete Holmes]

There was a comedian, Owen Smith, who had a joke where it's like, you could name your kid Rich. That's a good one. He's like. They named me Owen. It's funny. Yeah, Owen.

[Valerie]

Owen.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like naming them broke.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Owen.

[Pete Holmes]

He's Owen.

[Valerie]

That's funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very funny.

[Valerie]

I like that.

[Pete Holmes]

I was saying that in my therapy, movies come up like crazy. And there's this weird thing I have with my father. I really relate to the Trump story. Meaning, like, look, please don't misunderstand that. I'm saying, like, I like that movie more than other people. I like movies like There Will Be Blood more than other people. Because growing up, like, so much of my life was trying to get the attention, like, trying to break people out of trances. Like, I really felt like my. My family was in a trance.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm just trying to. Hey, hey. And success was one of the ways I could get some sort of. I guess you could just say, I guess you could just a giggity.

[Valerie]

I love you for not letting that go by. Never.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to get too serious. All I'm saying is there are scene. There's a scene. I've probably talked about it in the Apprentice and I talk about it in therapy. I talk about so many movies in therapy. My therapist just has to, like, roll with the fact. But it really helped me understand, like, stories obviously are like these huge helps in us processing stuff.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

And there's this moment where Trump's dad says, like, you did it. You did what I couldn't do. You're you. You're big time. Like, I never did anything like this. It's when he opens Trump Tower, I think, oh. And this is a fictionalized moment, but, you know, they have Trump Senior. It was, I guess, say to Donald, Donald, Donald. Just kidding. It's done. And they say, you, basically, you. You won't. And the look on his face, I'm like, of course he was nominated for an Oscar. Yeah, it was that guy. And I'm not gonna call him the Winter Soldier, but I don't know his name. I think it's Stan Winter Soldier winner. Winter Soldier winner. Owen Winter Soldier.

[Valerie]

Owen Winter Soldier.

[Pete Holmes]

He was so good because he's feeling something that I can relate to. And I. I'm just gonna say this once. Love my dad, love my mom. I'm saying I relate to this feeling of like, I won and so happiness and disgust.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, there's this like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like we just. So many. So many feelings. Don't get into the male competitor room.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, all that's there really is, like, disgust, envy, anger.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not a great room.

[Valerie]

Well, it's the. Speaking of room, the thing that I always think of this is like another great metaphor that film has given us is like going back to. So in the movie room, when she's Trapped. When Brie Larson is trapped in a room.

[Pete Holmes]

Never thought.

[Valerie]

I mean it. I, I, it was so well done. And I, like, kind of wish I hadn't seen it, because I don't. It's so disturbing.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we're watching Mayor of Easttown, too. And that even that is, like, yikes, a doodle do. Because we watched Task and it was so good.

[Valerie]

Task is so good.

[Pete Holmes]

But Task is so good. Okay.

[Valerie]

I'm loving Mayor of East Town. I'm not regretting seeing it, but I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

Telling you, you're not going to see too, too much more.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Anytime someone's kidnapped and kept in a room.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Rough.

[Valerie]

It's pretty rough. Like, that is. I would say my number one fear is that some creep, like, locks me in a shed for my life. My whole life. But, you know, it's probably not going to happen, so.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, man.

[Valerie]

Fine.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like. I don't even like riffing on this. There's some things I don't like. Stuff happening to kids I won't riff on. Yeah, yeah, of course I won't riff on. So I'm sorry. You found the one brick wall in my labyrinth of riffs. Cause I was on. I told you. I was, I think, on Bert Kreischer's cooking show, and, like, some horrible kid thing came up, and everyone's riffing, and I'm just like, oh, I didn't know. Yeah. And that's not to drag, Burt. I'm just saying, like, I didn't. There's certain. And this is one of them. I hate. I don't even like what you're saying.

[Valerie]

I think that's great. I wasn't really hoping to be able to riff on this.

[Pete Holmes]

Well. Well, my. In a way, my riff on it is me talking about how I won't riff and then bring up Bert Kreischer.

[Valerie]

Yeah. So you still. You still.

[Pete Holmes]

I contributed.

[Valerie]

You still made yourself heard.

[Pete Holmes]

I still took up air time.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But she is trapped in this room for the whole thing, and she escapes. Bri.

[Pete Holmes]

You can't keep Bri in a room. Got to be in the fridge.

[Valerie]

You can't put Bri in a corner.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody puts Briby in a corner.

[Valerie]

Briby.

[Pete Holmes]

She's been waiting for that once. I was on the phone with Brie Larson once.

[Valerie]

I love her. She's one of my favorite actresses.

[Pete Holmes]

She's great. The Internet, I don't even know, but I feel like the Internet got mad because she was Captain Marvel or something. Who cares?

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. I can't believe that at the end.

[Pete Holmes]

Of our lives, I hope people that, like, really, like, stoked the fire of Internet rage, it would be actually, you know what? To wish them well. I hope they're on their deathbeds going, like, at least I got that whole Brie Larson thing going on Reddit. Like, I hope they love it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sometimes Matt McCarthy, who I love, when we're on the road, we'll see somebody do something annoying, and he goes, I hope they get everything they want. So instead of cursing them and saying, I hope they go, like, why was I doing that? I hope they're like, it was so scintillating.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was so fun.

[Valerie]

I hope you're happy. Really, I do. I hope you're happy.

[Pete Holmes]

I hope you're happy. I don't understand it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But no, I do. I do. Well, I understand being a crispy bitch.

[Valerie]

This is a the tree is far away situation. Because the thing is, is that she goes back to the room after she's been in the room.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait. Stock room syndrome.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. I'll never finish it. I'm stopping right now. I'm not gonna continue.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm. I'm responding. I'm not interrupting. You said she went back to the room.

[Valerie]

I just expected another full minute on stockroom syndrome.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you, like, just were like, there's no way he's gonna stop there.

[Valerie]

I did.

[Pete Holmes]

No stockroom syndrome. Sign seal delivered. We're done. You open the Amazon box, and all that was in there were the words stockroom syndrome. Where the room.

[Valerie]

Wait room syndrome.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you just go, like, proceed. You're like. You're like the judge of this podcast, your honor. Stockroom syndrome. And you go, I'll allow it. But then the lawyer just goes, no, that's it. Stockroom syndrome. Like, instead of Stockholm syndrome. I could have just said that. Yeah, that's what it is.

[Valerie]

No, it's not. It's like. It's like this. You really feel it, too. It's, like, so disgusting to her. Like, she can't even go in it because it's like she made it out. She was in this room. This. All this trauma happened, and then she made it out.

[Pete Holmes]

She clobbered the guy, and it's all.

[Valerie]

Disgusting to her to see. And that is like your fucking point.

[Pete Holmes]

That you made five minutes ago about the dad Discussed.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

No, Valerie, thank you. Yeah. The court will now recess. I love that. The court.

[Valerie]

It's on the court.

[Pete Holmes]

The court. I'm going to go with the riff. The court. Which has all these, like, pillars and marble. It's still people. And they have to be like, the court will take a brief recess. Like, they need to pee.

[Valerie]

Pee.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny. Like, when AI is. When robots are ruling or we're robot. I don't know. When. When humanity gets an upgrade, we'll all be like, do you realize their court sessions, they used to be like, the court will now recess. But that was, like, code. The guy in the flowing barber's cape needs to take a deuce. Deuce. What if that was my closer? The guy in the flowing barber's cave needs to take a deuce and he just doesn't do very well. And then I'm like, all right, he hasn't been great. Enjoyable billing ball.

[Valerie]

Can you remember the worst closer you ever had?

[Pete Holmes]

Sure. But can I say this more on the court? No, I. Not on the court. Although I do think court stuff is so funny. Just people talking and trying to remember stuff. And I. I mean, what color was the car? Just some guy. Oh, yeah. That's like. It's on the record. We wrote it down. It's so adorable how we try to make reality, like, manageable by being like, look at all the. There's a jury that heard it and they wrote it down. And then there's a guy who's old and he's. He was a lawyer and now he's a judge and he heard it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. We're trying to create, like, order.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

Law and order.

[Pete Holmes]

Because too much of life is, like, I saw a lot in the sky. You know what I mean? Too much of life.

[Valerie]

And you have that whole thing about, like, there's pillars. Like, it's trying to intimidate you. It's trying to be very serious.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so serious.

[Valerie]

If you think our court is funny, go across the pond, mate.

[Pete Holmes]

The wigs.

[Valerie]

Yes. I mean, are they still doing.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Parliament.

[Valerie]

Yeah, well, Parliament.

[Pete Holmes]

Smoke Parliaments.

[Valerie]

But, like, I think even in their, like, court proceedings, the lawyers are wearing wigs.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah. And merkins that match the wigs. Little rollers of white fur down by their Ding Dongs. Brits have small ones. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hugh Grant's got bde.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Thick.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got a scone.

[Valerie]

A scone.

[Pete Holmes]

It's got a scone. But I got a scone.

[Valerie]

It's more of a ciabatta.

[Pete Holmes]

It's more of a ciabatta, mate. Sorry.

[Valerie]

That's what Paul Hollywood always says.

[Pete Holmes]

We. When we were in a big, great British Bake off hole yeah. If you notice. And then watch that show, it's staggering how often they're trying to make a focaccia. And he says it's more like a ciabatta. Ciabatta Is a focaccia that up?

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like something went wrong with your focaccia. Just call it a ciabatta.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's what I was gonna say.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And then we can talk about closers. Just take a beat. Take a beat.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Pete Holmes]

Take a beat.

[Valerie]

God.

[Pete Holmes]

Take a beat, Pete. Harry, the freestyle rapper. Harry Mack. Mac. Mac. Take a beat, Pete. Fucking sucks. That sucked. That fucking sucked. Take a beat, Pete.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but you keep saying.

[Pete Holmes]

And yet.

[Valerie]

We'Ve circled the strain.

[Pete Holmes]

And yet in There Will Be Blood, which is my other. Which is my number one favorite movie.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm obsessed with it. And as I get older, it's revealed to me more and more why it's my favorite movie. So there could be a good 10 year period if you're me, where you watch a movie and you love it and you can't even articulate what's going on. Hobbit.

[Valerie]

I'm trying to get cozy.

[Pete Holmes]

I know you are.

[Valerie]

What?

[Pete Holmes]

There's just some kicking of my slippers.

[Valerie]

Well, I'm trying to get my slippers off.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, this is just what AI Podcasts won't have. They won't have, like, what's going on, Hobbit? That was kind of sweet. Yeah, it also kind of painted a picture like you are doing something with a blanket.

[Valerie]

I'm just trying to get it on me, that's all. Keep going.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, all right.

[Valerie]

Keep going. I'm listening.

[Pete Holmes]

This episode is sponsored by Better Help. A new year doesn't necessarily mean a new you. What's that all about? Maybe, maybe just a less burdene who has the tools you need to deal with whatever life throws at you. If you listen to this show. You know, Val and I talk a lot about therapy, and that's because therapy has genuinely helped both of us. It's helped me let go of so much stuff I didn't realize I was carrying, helped me set up boundaries, and most importantly, realize it's not my job to manage everyone else's emotions. Therapy helped me learn how to get out of toxic relationships and patterns, make career choices that actually feel aligned with myself instead of just like, oh, I guess I should say yes to this. And honestly, the lighter, less burdened version of me feels way more like me than any sort of New Year's resolution New Year new me nonsense. So Better Help is about helping you understand what's weighing you down by offering you unbiased perspectives on your relationships, your motivations, your emotions. They work with fully licensed therapists in the US who follow a strict code of conduct, and they do the matching work for for you with a quick questionnaire so you can focus on your goals and get into it. And if your first match isn't the right fit, you can switch therapists any time. With over 30,000 therapists and more than 5 million people being served worldwide, BetterHelp has an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for live sessions, which is kind of amazing. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] weirdo that's betterhelp.com weirdo do you ever find.

[Valerie]

Yourself scrolling through headlines, especially health headlines, and just thinking, that can't be true? Well, I certainly do. 2025 brought us some ridiculous, far fetched health claims and some especially terrifying changes in public health. What's in store for us in 2026? I'm Chelsea Clinton and we're back with season two of my podcast, that Can't Be True. Follow along and catch up on season one, wherever you get your podcasts.

[Pete Holmes]

He tells the story to his brother by the ocean about the house that he saw when he was growing up. And he's like, I always dreamt of living in a house like that. Like it was the house that he. So many million billionaires have stories of seeing somebody living incredibly well by. By a cliff or a beach or something.

[Valerie]

Yeah, cliff, yeah, I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

Super villain. And then that house being like, Billy Joel has his fucking dumb. I didn't love it. But like his docu series opens with him being like, when I was growing up in New Jersey, I saw this house and I knew I could live in a house that day. And it's like zooming in and it goes, and now I own that house. And it's like reveals that he's in the house. And then it's like, oh, so you're a producer on this?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Oh, I get it. So you produce.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, so you were a creative. Like, you had input.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nobody making a documentary about Billy Joel would be like, let's open with you just farting in the elevator and telling us about the house Anyway, but in There Will Be Blood it makes a much more interesting point, I think, which is that Daniel's brother, Daniel Plainview's brother goes, you should buy that house, Daniel. And he goes, I think if I saw that house now, it would make me ill. Yeah, that's.

[Valerie]

That's it. That's what we're talking about.

[Pete Holmes]

The quality of consciousness that helps you defeat your enemies and vanquish your opponents and your competitors.

[Valerie]

And we're talking about our parents here.

[Pete Holmes]

And of course we're talking about our parents. That was the only game on offer.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I talked about this in therapy. I wanted tickling, kinship, tenderness. I'm not saying there weren't moments. I'm just saying I didn't choose. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to get in life. You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to materialize and be real.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

So I was like, okay, so I didn't want that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mean to say that defensively. I'm just saying. Yes, we are talking about a parent dynamic that could be true.

[Valerie]

Uh huh.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That once you the.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Once Trump beats his dad. He's too. He's too.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm fascinated with, like, what we do to ourselves to embolden ourselves or strengthen ourselves. To do the things we need to do is also the things that make it impossible to enjoy having done the things we needed to do. Well, I find that fascinating.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Zuckerberg is not, I don't know, Zuck. I don't know Zuck.

[Valerie]

Oh, God. I don't know that you called him Zuck.

[Pete Holmes]

Elon Musk. Welcome to like every other podcast. Musk is in the news.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry I called him Zuck, but I'm just saying, like, we know.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but. Well, ain't nobody chilling on there is like, so even the more feminine version of it. And I don't mean like just for females, obviously. I just mean like the more feminine side of this. You mean is like when you, you. It's a good sign that you're doing healing about your childhood. When you like, you're healing and you're growing beyond your parents, let's say. And then there's always grief on the other side of that that they aren't growing with you and that they. That you had to outgrow them. It's very sad. We don't like it. We want them to be always growing and always a little bit ahead of us so that we felt if we feel taken care of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And so I think that that is just like it comes out in the hyper masculine as like disgust and, you know, that's grieving. That's the.

[Pete Holmes]

But I'll do you one more. I think it breaks your Heart. That it worked.

[Valerie]

Well, that's what I'm saying is like.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Valerie]

That's what I said is that you're grieving.

[Pete Holmes]

I said it.

[Valerie]

You're grieving. That they. That you were a. Yeah. That you outgrew them.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's what I always say. I think there's so much. Here is when I go home to Boston, I do a fake Boston accent, and nobody ever says, what are you doing? My whole life I've been, like, waiting. I. You know, I did this great podcast yesterday with this. I think it's mylet. It might be millet. It's more fun to say millet, but I think it's Ed Milet. My L, E T T. Anyway, he's like a Tony Robbins guy, and we had just such a great conversation, you'd think I'd know how to say his last name. Damn it. I just want to say millet, which sounds like an ingredient in bread.

[Valerie]

It is an ingredient. Yeah. I don't know. It's. But it is, like, wheat adjacent.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. If you're eating Millet, I know a lot about your footwear.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Open to open tone. What is something. Let's say I feel like it got too heavy too quick. What is something you would.

[Valerie]

Okay, go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

No. Go ahead.

[Valerie]

Well, I was. No, you ask yours, and then I'll ask mine.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Mine's simple.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Something like Birkenstocks.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That if nothing mattered, you would wear. Use. Put on your body.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And, you know, not like a Snuggie, but, like, I mean.

[Valerie]

I mean, I do think if I didn't care, I would wear, for sure, soft pants exclusively. Like, I would only, like, never wear jeans. I would burn all of my jeans, and I would wear, like, sweatpants.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Exclusive sandler.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I would say it's funny that, like.

[Valerie]

And I would go no bra.

[Pete Holmes]

And B.

[Valerie]

And B. Absolutely no bra.

[Pete Holmes]

And, you know, just lower the AC a little bit. Get a friend set vibe. Get an aniston. You do in Aniston.

[Valerie]

You do.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny that rappers, you know, and others, but most rappers more than others are, you know, flaunting, talking about how they don't give a. Yeah. Never seen one in an adult onesie.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

With the footies.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And even their sweatpants are, like, very, very nice. Very nice.

[Pete Holmes]

Clean.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Clean. A chain.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing gives a more than a chain.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's like. I'm sorry. You just. You just for three and a half minutes told me you don't give a. Yeah.

[Valerie]

I wonder if they are really, it's more like.

[Pete Holmes]

It looks like challah. A chain is so thick. It looks like two strands. Like, were you making Holla out of gold and then stopped and then wore it? You have. You have Rapunzel's braid on your head. On your head. But your neck, it's slipped down. Hi.

[Valerie]

Hi. I'm John Head Neck.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm John Headneck.

[Valerie]

Yeah, but maybe what they don't care about is, like, you know, just all the haters.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I don't buy that either. I mean, obviously this is not. I'm not putting down hip hop culture. I'm just saying, like, boy, for someone who doesn't care about the haters, you sure are talking about haters a lot. You sure are, like, putting out diss tracks.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're replying, well, you know Taylor, super bowl singing about Drake.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

How badly do you want to kiss him? Oh, my God, you'd love to kiss him. Just a little. I'd kiss Drake.

[Valerie]

You're gonna love this. Do you know, And I wish I knew more about the song. I've only heard it a couple times.

[Pete Holmes]

He looks like an Egyptian. You know what I mean? You got, like a pharaoh quality.

[Valerie]

It's because he's half Jewish.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I don't know about that. I'm just. Go on. I meant royal.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Taylor Swift.

[Valerie]

Taylor. So I guess, like Charlie XCX and xcx. Xcx. I think it's X.

[Pete Holmes]

Is this an operating system? Do I have to download Charlie xcx?

[Valerie]

Am I an old mom? That's what it's called. Yeah. I mean, that's what.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not what she's called.

[Valerie]

Not it. No. I think it's meant to kind of sound like you're saying S E X.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's man, like boobs on a calculator. Yeah, she's the boobs. Is this a cool person? Do I riff on this person?

[Valerie]

This is a very cool person.

[Pete Holmes]

I wouldn't say that. I love her.

[Valerie]

You.

[Pete Holmes]

I love her.

[Valerie]

You do know you'd be familiar with some of her music. But she, I guess, did like a. I feel like she did a diss track to say to Taylor Swift. She certainly was like. Maybe it was an. In an interview. She, like, was running her mouth. She was running her mouth about Taylor Swift and Taylor Swift. What did she say?

[Pete Holmes]

Out of. Out of interest? No, no, you don't have to look it up. I just want to know the category.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I mean, if you look up Charlie S E X. The. The next thing is Taylor Swift. So they, like. They were tour mates and they were friends. Okay. I'm just reading it. Okay. Yeah. Charlie song Sympathy Is a Knife was a jab at Swift's brief romance with Matt. Matty Healy is Charlie's husband's bandmate. Okay, whatever. So she did, like, kind of a dish track, and then Taylor Swift, on her most recent album, did a, like, return diss track called Actually Romantic. And it's. The premise is like, wow, you talk about me so much. It's actually romantic.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie]

You, like, think and talk about me.

[Pete Holmes]

Rert had a point. Sorry. Rupert Mensch in the first half. Ooh, Rupert Spirit had a thing where he was like. He was watching the debate with Hillary and Trump. Remember that? Watching Laguna.

[Valerie]

I couldn't. Yeah, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

It was weird.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But he was like. Even though they were, like, really going at each other, he was like, these people love each other.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Well, they need. They need each other. Yeah. Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like that. There's a page in Be Here now where they're like, hippies make cops. Cops make hippies. It's just like. It's just.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This weird, perverse.

[Valerie]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

Up. But I love. You're absolutely right. I love that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you want to kiss me.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You're so into me. You keep talking to me about me.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly. But what I mean, I'll say out the other side of my butt. Japan.

[Valerie]

Oh, what show am I a part of? What kind of show am I a.

[Pete Holmes]

Part of kind of show is this?

[Valerie]

Japan.

[Pete Holmes]

Japan. Hero Dreams.

[Valerie]

Hero Hero Dreams the sequel. Why are you making me laugh at something I hate so much?

[Pete Holmes]

Hero James of.

[Valerie]

I hate it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I hate it, too, but it's me.

[Valerie]

It's like. It's like being tickled.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Stop.

[Valerie]

I don't want this.

[Pete Holmes]

Leela puts her finger in my button, my belly button, and goes deep.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I go, I hate it. I hate it. I. And she loves.

[Valerie]

Doesn't it kind of make you feel like you have to pee?

[Pete Holmes]

It makes me want to blow up a planet like the Death Star.

[Valerie]

So it's so.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's like if that's what people hear when. Like, nails on a chalkboard is never. I mean, I don't like it even saying it, but, like, fork on a plate. I'll take all of those before I take finger in a belly button.

[Valerie]

Has Leela told you. She's told me this so many times that she's seen a person who didn't Have a belly button?

[Pete Holmes]

I think so.

[Valerie]

And I'm like, everybody has a belly button. They have to have a belly button. There's no way.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's an easy. I always just assumed she just meant somebody that was.

[Valerie]

Somebody was, like, pulling and they were tricking her. But they, like, really believed her.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

But then if I'm in sort of like, a tired, anxious state, I'll sometimes be like, oh, my God, did she see an alien?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Not really. But, you know, it is so weird, like, even watching Mare of East Town last night.

[Pete Holmes]

Mayor of East Bound and Down.

[Valerie]

Mayor of East Bound and Down. I really do. I love. I'm loving it. I'm glad I'm watching it. It's taken me this long to work up the nerve to watch it. Wash it, wash it. But I feel like it's worth it. And I'm like. I'm like, look at me. I've watched Black Rabbit and then Task and then Mayor of East Town.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you're easing into the darkness.

[Valerie]

I'm, like, easing back, but it's because.

[Pete Holmes]

There'S a ratio darkness that isn't enriched with, you know, character and depth and growth and love and redemption. So Task is a. Is a dark show, but it's also, in fact, I would say it's. It's. It. It has a part that I was like, oh, I'll never not see that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And yet it's balanced. There's. There's the way. As much dark as there is, there's that much beauty and, like, learning and redemption and, like, you're just like. You know what I keep thinking about? It's not a spoiler on On Task. It. It's like there's just the moment where Mark Ruffalo is a priest, and he says, you ever see people die? And he says, yes.

[Valerie]

He was a priest.

[Pete Holmes]

He was a priest. He goes, are they just gonna yawn on Mike?

[Valerie]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

Yom. He goes, and are they scared? And he goes. Every time.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then.

[Valerie]

Then somebody. Something happens.

[Pete Holmes]

So you. Every part of the buffalo, you're just like. Every part of the Ruffalo. That show uses every part of the Ruffalo.

[Valerie]

We grabbed each other's hands.

[Pete Holmes]

We're clinging.

[Valerie]

I'm so excited that I saw it.

[Pete Holmes]

I saw on your face.

[Valerie]

The thrill when I figured it out. And we did at the exact same moment.

[Pete Holmes]

Exact same moment. Every part of the Ruffalo. Can you talk like Mark Ruffalo? Thank you. Always. He's always kind.

[Valerie]

I don't know. I. I just. I Just want my son to come home. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Come straight home.

[Valerie]

God, he's so sexy.

[Pete Holmes]

Now I know why. Why, why.

[Valerie]

Why is. He's bean bag sexy and I think beat down.

[Pete Holmes]

You on a bean bag.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's not even true. I take that back immediately. He's not skeezy.

[Valerie]

No, no, he's not skeezy. I think he's down older. Ruffalo is even sexier to me than, like, 13 going on 30. Ruffalo.

[Pete Holmes]

He's in that?

[Valerie]

Yes. He's the love interest in that.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I'll go.

[Valerie]

I mean, he's been sexy in everything I've ever seen him in, but, like.

[Pete Holmes]

He'S just so calm. He's just so confident. He's. He's.

[Valerie]

What is it? It's really. Is like a. I mean, he's got beautiful features, but it's more like. It really is a testament to, like, somebody can just have, like, an air of gravitas. Yeah. Because he doesn' Seem like he doesn't necessarily have bde, but he.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I think he's got rde regular.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But he's just like. I don't know, you just feel maybe he has, like, a little mysterious. He feels like he. He's very deep and thoughtful and very deep.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, he's a root vegetable.

[Valerie]

He's a root vegetable. He 100 is a root vegetable.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like a beet.

[Valerie]

He is.

[Pete Holmes]

He's like, down there.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's dark, and you just want to, like, pull it into light.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is funny because at the end, what is he pulling out of the garden?

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. A beat. Do you think, like, he made me say it.

[Pete Holmes]

Do you think the director was like, because, Ruffalo, you're a beat.

[Valerie]

You are a beat. Do you get the symbolism here? You're a root vegetable.

[Pete Holmes]

My whole life ever told me I'm a beat, and now I'm pulling a beat out. He's so good in Fox Catcher, the Good Brother.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. He's so good in that. He's so good in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

[Pete Holmes]

That's early rough.

[Valerie]

And that. That rough is hot. He is hot.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Kind of like a blinded me with science. Ruffalo. Like a classic lab coat nerd.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I love it. I love all of the Ruffalos.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But what I. I'm gonna. One more theory on why Mark Ruffalo is sexy. He's so close to being in a bed.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You're like, all right, I won't. Like, he did too Much work.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I just mean, like, oh, well, yeah. This guy's dying to be in a bed.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'll just let him. Like, if I don't do anything.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In 35 seconds, this guy will be in a bed.

[Valerie]

I will say, though, he does seem like a. Like, he seems like a bottom. Yeah. In, like, not, you know, in, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Not in the gay sex way.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

He's a bottom. Straight. Straight bottom. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Which isn't for me. I've experienced that and had a.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean, like, it was like a strict bottom? Strict bottom, yes. What?

[Valerie]

I didn't like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I need no judgment. I'm just like.

[Valerie]

I need that to be like. That's, like, sometimes that's a very. Like, a treat. Yeah, sometimes, exactly. A treat. Just like, let's mix things up a little, I guess. But not always.

[Pete Holmes]

Very rare.

[Valerie]

If I wanted to be a top.

[Pete Holmes]

I would be a gay man.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, be a man.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Have a wiener.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I hope we're not offending any of the lgbtcr. No, that's a dumb joke. I didn't mean that. I just want to get all the letters. I hate that. I hate that joke.

[Valerie]

That is like, that is lmnop.

[Pete Holmes]

Like that. I hated that. Look, one of the risks of making a lot of jokes.

[Valerie]

Wait, weren't we supposed to do the ad? Break it.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm going to do this one, Valerie, the way you've always wanted.

[Valerie]

Ah, great.

[Pete Holmes]

So if people are like, wait, what? Yeah, they wanted a perfect gene ad. Right. When you said you don't like hard pants.

[Valerie]

They won't be. Because that's how every other podcast does it. We can record a little sound bite of us being like, we'll be right back.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. Katie can look for that. I guess.

[Valerie]

I was getting.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, can I say something?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've been dying to say this.

[Valerie]

Okay, sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

Can you hold on to what you got?

[Valerie]

It's not even that important. Go ahead.

[Pete Holmes]

But you do have a question.

[Valerie]

Well, it's the question that I already asked you.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie]

Which was that what your worst closer was.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, we'll get to that. Yeah, I. I wish I could make this work, but it's a little too mean. But I. Because I don't want to put down. I think Ariana Grande is incredible. I think she's so funny.

[Valerie]

Undeniable.

[Pete Holmes]

She's so talented. I'm just saying it makes me a little uncomfortable how much like a child she looks. That's all I want to say. So, like, I don't Think that's her fault.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's a huge thing that's going on in the culture.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I do think if you put up a picture of like a 11 year old, I'm saying you could find an 11 year old that looks exactly like Ariana Grande. And that's again, please don't think I'm putting her down. I'm saying we. We live in this weird. So what I've wanted to do on stage is if you are attracted to Ariana Grande, like, something's wrong, something's up.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's even as I say it. Yeah. Because she is beautiful. Yeah, she is beautiful. Like, I don't know, man.

[Valerie]

I hear you.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so touchy. I feel like.

[Valerie]

I mean, I do think we.

[Pete Holmes]

A different kind of comedian could get away with that, but it's not me.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It just freaks me out. I see her on a billboard and I'm like, ah, yeah, it fudgeing. I'm not virtue. It's just not. First of all, that's not my cup of tea. But also, I'm just like, why is this anyone's.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

She looks exactly how she looked when she was on Nickelodeon. She hasn't changed.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's again, not talking about her. I'm not. I don't have a take on her. Look, I just. It freaks me out how our culture is like, really.

[Valerie]

I mean that. I think that is like rape culture is like. It's like. It's like. Yeah. I mean, it. It's sort of. And it's probably pretty porn induced.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, porn too is very like, whoopsie doodle. And that's gnarly too.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie]

Somebody had a bit about, like Barely Legal. Do you remember?

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, they're asking for it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When they name their magazine, like, we know.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So barf.

[Valerie]

Can't believe that that is a thing.

[Pete Holmes]

It's my favorite part. One of my favorite parts in Sideways. Paul Giamatti's character is very lonely and he goes to a gas station and goes, barely Legal. And then he goes, no, the new one.

[Valerie]

Oh, man, that's right. He already has the old.

[Pete Holmes]

Even the magazine's too old for him. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Element lmnt. Healthy hydration isn't just about drinking water. It's about drinking water plus electrolytes, which makes sense. You lose both water and sodium when you sweat, so both need to be replaced. And Element does this deliciously easily with no BS, no sugar 5 calories won't break a fast and helps prevent those muscle cramps, headaches and energy dips that come with dehydration. So many electrolyte drinks have tons of crap in them. Sugar, tons of sugar. As much sugar as a can of soda. It's ridiculous, but Element has none of that. It's the optimum ratio of sodium, magnesium and potassium for health, performance and energy. I start every day with my favorite flavor, which is lemonade salt. Close second, watermelon salt. And this floods every cell in my body with optimum hydration and jumpstarts my day. It's amazing before or after a workout. It's also just great when you're fasting or trying not to snack late at night because it's delicious and it fills your body with what it's craving, which is so often in my case, salt. So get a free sample pack of Element. Their most popular flavors, citrus salt, raspberry salt, watermelon salt and orange salt. Two sticks of each flavor with any purchase when you use promo code weird. Go to support this show. Go to Support your body drinklmnt.com weird and get your free sample pack with any purchase. Promo code weird. That's drinklmnt.com/weird. Hello, I'm James Corden and on my new show, this Life of Mine, I sit down each week with some of the most fascinating people on planet Earth. From Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore to David Beckham to Cynthia Erivo to Martin Scorsese to Jeremy Renner to Denzel Washington to Kim Kardashian. We talk about the people, places, possessions, music and memories that made them who they are. These are individuals, intimate conversations, full of stories that you've never heard before. This Life of Mine premieres October 21st. Wherever you get your podcasts. Anyway, moving on. That's a dark. Yeah, it's just dark. We've had some let's. Let's closer.

[Valerie]

What's your worst closer? Was it that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God. Very, very good. I trying to think of closers.

[Valerie]

I mean it would have been towards the beginning probably, I'm guessing, of your life. I mean of your life as a stand up.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny when like I hope people are interested in this but I'll keep it brief. Is the idea that like you now what I would consider a closer in my first five, ten years. I would consider the 15 minute closer which, which is one of my. I want that to be like, if I'm being honest, like something that I not coined. But I'm like I think it's interesting. I hadn't heard about comedians talking about, when you're doing an hour, you want a closer. 15 minutes in. You want. You just want a big one.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Fifteen minutes in. And I'm trying to think, like, what I did when I was young while I was a waiter. And I had this bit where I was like, when it's so Seinfeld. I was like, when you're a waiter, you think about everything. And money is different. Money is tables. Because every table, I make about $4. So people are like, you want to go to the movies? I'm like, I don't know. That's three tables. You want to get a popcorn. That's two more tables. Like, you think it's just so bad.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was like, you're trying to make these little, like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Arguments.

[Valerie]

Right. And then totally see how. Yeah. How that. You would think that was a bit.

[Pete Holmes]

And. Yeah. And then I would go, this. This is. There's. You know how when you're eating American cheese, you just know it.

[Valerie]

You just know it.

[Pete Holmes]

This is American cheese. When I was starting stand up, I had this bit again. I was a waiter at Bennigan's, and I had this joke. This was my big closer, and it was real. It actually happened several times, meaning two or three times. I said to somebody, what did they say? Oh, they go, can I get a Coke or a water? And can I get a. No. What did they say? Oh, I'm sorry. They say, can I get a Corona? And can I get a lemon with that? And I would say, you mean a lime? You want a lime? And this happened more than once. The person went, you know, maybe they're embarrassed. They're like, whatever. I want the green one. I don't know the restaurant lingo.

[Valerie]

Wait, that happened more than once?

[Pete Holmes]

More than once. I'm telling you what. It's actually kind of like a argument for synchronicities, because I was doing the joke, and then it happened again. Wow. They didn't say restaurant lingo. I think that's me turning the volume up a little bit on the idea. But he said, I don't know the lingo.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And I made it maybe restaurant lingo. Then I was like. And then this is also so Seinfeld. I went, apparently, lime is a term only waiters use. And then I went, oh, it's in there somewhere. It would take me a minute to find the exact wording, but I was like, can I get it in a long plastic bowl with blocks of cold, hard Water. You mean ice? I don't know the jargon.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I did. This was like such a flourish. I just don't do flourishes anymore. Like, when you're starting out, you're like, maybe if I memorize something. And I said, well, I'll get that for you. But I'm kind of in the weeds because my two top just got double sat and I got a dessert dine in the window. So I'm kinda in the weeds. And then. Right. And then I went. Let me translate that for you. No green lemons, right?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Wait, did you say.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't say in the weeds twice. I knew that's what you would pick.

[Valerie]

Up on because I did like that because that's so like Tim Robinson.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah, that's. That wasn't a thing. Until now.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Now he would say in the weeds and then be like, because I'm in the weeds.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Because I really can't. Because I'm in the weeds.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that. That's funny. Yeah, that's funny now.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Then like something I just don't see in comedy as much is like comedians doing these, like, flourishes. It's like a fireworks display where you're like, well, Optimus prime actually doesn't like. I saw this. There was this comedian in New York I used to like the bit. Did a thing about how Harrison Ford should be the president. Every election he would do it and he was like. He did that and it was like a run. And it was like. And all the while. And he's like, get off my plane. And it would like.

[Valerie]

It's like music.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like everyone would know.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like we know. It's like. It's not bad. The whole thing's a manipulation. So.

[Valerie]

Right. It's just like a more overlong like, it's just impressive.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You just. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Whether it's funny or not.

[Pete Holmes]

So when you're starting comedy, you're so desperate for any sort of guaranteed response.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That it. It's more appealing to be like, my two. I do remember my two tops just got double sat. Oh, God, it's so fucking stupid to me now.

[Valerie]

I like.

[Pete Holmes]

And I got a dessert dying in.

[Valerie]

The window and dying in the window. That's.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm sort of in the weeds. Shut up. You know what it is about it is. It just reeks of. And there's nothing wrong with this, but so much of my feeling until I was so. I was probably 28, 29. No. I got divorced when I was 28. So it's probably 24, 25 when I was doing that joke.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, you're just so desperate for any identity that you become a waiter and you're like, I know what a two top is.

[Valerie]

Yeah, of course. I mean, God, it's so young. 24. It's so young to be.

[Pete Holmes]

I know.

[Valerie]

Doing something that scary and brave. And it's like, I like this. I think about it, we're all still looking for our, our identities in our 20s, and you have to, like, find it on stage in like the most heightened situation.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what you would do because you just. I didn't have a lot of comedian friends and, and I'd be at Bennigan's most of the time is I remember doing bits to people, like working them into conversation. Two memories come to mind when I was with this guy, his name was K.K. and me and K.K. were walking to the bar. I probably did that like five times. I never really liked spending my whole paycheck at a bar.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Seems so stupid. But we would do that. And I'm walking and I'm like, because when you're a kid, the only thing you have for getting drunk is, is getting dizzy.

[Valerie]

Right? Like, I think I used to say that too.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah. I'm not saying you're basic.

[Valerie]

I'm just saying I am basic.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no, I know that observation is, is right there.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's so much of the first five years of standup is just like, sorry. Well, I know this is right there, but yeah. And I got, I got him to laugh at that specifically. I went, kids spin around a bunch, and then they're like, you look like the sun. And he laughed at that for some reason.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then the other time, I'm in a truck. No, I'm in my friend Chuck, his car in college, and I used to have all these jokes about Jeep wranglers. I thought Jeep Wrangler. I, I just had nothing. I had.

[Valerie]

Wait a minute, why?

[Pete Holmes]

Or Jeep Cherokees. The ones that like a Jeep, Like a classic Jeep Wrangler Wrangler. I, I. When I did a talent night at Gordon, like, they had this competition called the Golden Goose. I did three minutes of stand up, and it was mostly about Jeep Wranglers.

[Valerie]

What, what would were you thinking was funny about them?

[Pete Holmes]

This is really giving me, like, it's not quite douche chills, but it's this feeling. It's very tender, very, like, not in a bad way. I'm glad. It means we're onto something.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was like.

[Valerie]

I just. I'm like, like delighting in this. I love you.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like Seinfeld, Ian, obviously. And I was like. One of the features of a Jeep Wrangler is removable doors. I don't know about you, but I've never been in my car and been like, great ride. But these dang doors.

[Valerie]

I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

They keep the elements out. And it had. This is so. I'm gonna barf. It's like talking. I don't know what it's like. It's like talking about your first sexual experience or something. I had this thing where I was like, I don't know. It's all just fucking bullshit. You know when you hear, like, Bill Burg or Louis, like, they're. You're like. Or Sarah, you're like. They're talking about something real, something they really feel.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like the opposite of that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Had no real feelings about Jeep Wranglers. Just thought it was funny that the doors came off. And I was like. And it's because you want to go drive it in the woods. I don't know. But I'm pretty sure if you drive through the woods without any doors, that's a guaranteed fox on your face, Valerie. That's a guaranteed fox on your face.

[Valerie]

I really don't think I've ever loved you more than I do in this.

[Pete Holmes]

This is really nauseating me. And I had a thing about so cute how they looked like model tees. They don't really.

[Valerie]

No, they don't.

[Pete Holmes]

They don't. What am I. They kind of do.

[Valerie]

I understand there's the. Like this.

[Pete Holmes]

It's boxy. I was like, somebody saw the model T and was like, perfect. Like, don't change a thing.

[Valerie]

It's just so funny how much material of a three minute set is about.

[Pete Holmes]

About G Wranglers. And I'm trying to remember, how did.

[Valerie]

You get into it? I saw a Jeep Wrangler the other day.

[Pete Holmes]

Probably just the best comedy tip that I have for anybody in the world is if you want to weigh into something, just say you love it. Love the Jeep Wrangler. Best car, removable doors. That's a good feature.

[Valerie]

But then you go on to, like, hate on it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's just a way of saying, let's talk about the Jeep Wrangler. I learned that doing best week ever. You say, like, I love Hulk Hogan. Nothing like a racist guy with a spray tan and a mustache that looks like an upside down you, you know?

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it was Just a way of going, like, let's talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That. That really gives me douche. It is douche. Chills, but nauseated.

[Valerie]

But also, you were a baby. You were 24.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the first big laugh I got doing stand up. First big laugh I got. I think maybe we've talked about this is. I go. Cause I used to go to the public pool a lot. So I had all these jokes about the public pool. One that I'll still do to this day, 30 years later. It's about how the water would turn red if you peed in it.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Unfortunately, I go on as if that was real.

[Valerie]

It wasn't real, but that does happen in other public pools.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. So I just went with it. Yeah, It's a dumb joke. It's like if I did, like, a show at Disneyland.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. It's like a very.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very clean, but also very dirty. You just hear a gunshot, and Val just goes, oh. Oh, all right.

[Valerie]

Oh, well, okay. Well, I guess the show must go on.

[Pete Holmes]

He did the. So you did the whole podcast? Well, we had to do an hour.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I had.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, you know, he would have wanted it. He.

[Valerie]

He's always just saying, we have to do the podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God, not today. We were very excited for this one.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The big laugh.

[Valerie]

Just gonna yawn on Mike.

[Pete Holmes]

That one snuck in.

[Valerie]

It really did. I could see C. There was no choice in the matter.

[Pete Holmes]

No choice. Sometimes a yawn is like diarrhea.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

A Diana.

[Valerie]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Daiyu Yenu. Of your names of God is Daiyu yenu. Like, oh, my God. You know, in church culture, how there are people that use, like, the lesser names.

[Valerie]

Adonai.

[Pete Holmes]

Adonai. Wait, d. Wait, there's one that's like, daiu Yu. It's not. It's Dayenu, Diane. I believe it's a Hebrew.

[Valerie]

Hebrew names. Yahweh.

[Pete Holmes]

Yahweh. Yahweh. That was. I saw an Internet clip where somebody was like, I grew up really religious. They were like, no way. And he went, yahweh. It was so good. I don't even know who it was. I'm so sorry. That's the life we live.

[Valerie]

Yeshu. Wait, Yeshu is just what you just. Church?

[Pete Holmes]

No, Yeshua was Jesus's name. That's. That's the biggest flex. And then Yeshua.

[Valerie]

It's. It's cultural appropriation. I'm just now realizing, I mean, a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

That's not one of my.

[Valerie]

I know you don't care about That.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, I do, but I'm just like, you're white. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not as obvious as it seems. It's because I went to a hyper liberal school, K through 8, where we were all over that.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, we were all. So I. It's like, I'm tired of it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, in the way that the rest of the world will be.

[Valerie]

Wait, that you. In four years, your school was all over cultural appropriation? Yeah, but they were singing the national anthem of Zimbabwe or whatever.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, you're right. Believe it or not, in the 90s, 80s, and 90s, the loving thing to do was to learn about culture. So a white person in the dashiki was like the highest chef's kiss. And you know what, bro? All I'm saying is that culture. That moment is as valid as this moment. Both are adapting and trying stuff out. And all I'm gonna say, hot take where we're at with some of the hypersensitivity of cultural appropriation won't be where we're at in 10 years. Like, it's just gonna keep changing and evolving. I would say that if it was exactly catered to my taste, it's just.

[Valerie]

Like, I would believe, though, so there's intent and then there's impact. So I would believe that those are equal in intent, where, you know, it was just a different way of trying to do the same thing. Like, respect a culture, another culture. Yeah, but the impact on those cultures is not equal. Is probably different.

[Pete Holmes]

This is. I mean, you and I have had this conversation before. I know we're on the really hard to represent a group when a group is made of 800 million individuals.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And probably 800. Like, if you. First of all, if you polled them. Do you mind that I'm wearing a dashiki? We can't even believe your answer. Like, there is no truth that we're back to the court system. You know what I mean? Like, we're back to I saw a blue light in the sky. Even our feelings are mysterious to us. Like, we'd need some way to, like, hook something up to your body and measure every response. Because if you ask me, like, I just watched the John Candy doc. Sorry, but we've been dragging on that.

[Valerie]

For a long time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I'll rewatch it with you.

[Valerie]

I really wanted to watch it.

[Pete Holmes]

This happens to us all the time, Valerie. But, like, we're not gonna watch it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we are. You never even. Like, it's not like you've been asking to Watch it on Blue Cowboy.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we don't remember after a full day of parenting, I'm not like, let's go to prime and find a John Candy documentary.

[Valerie]

That's fine. I'll watch it alone. I'll watch it all by myself.

[Pete Holmes]

Why do I feel like I had a girlfriend that when I would fight with her, she'd go, it's fine. I'll just put on a sexy dress and go to the bar And I feel like that's what you just did. You were like, I'll go pick up. That's my version on my own.

[Valerie]

I'll just get cozy on the couch and I'll watch it by myself.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your. I'll just go have a few.

[Valerie]

I'll have as much snacks as I want.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna have snacks. I'm gonna have sweatpants, and I'm gonna watch Sean Candy by myself.

[Valerie]

By myself.

[Pete Holmes]

And I.

[Valerie]

You fucking whore.

[Pete Holmes]

Joke, joke, joke. It's funny that in my eyes, I asked, can I as a bit say that word? And you said yes.

[Valerie]

Every time you ask me, I say yes.

[Pete Holmes]

With the. With the riffs.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What were we saying? It's the bit. It's the bit. Oh, the biggest laugh. Nice close. We'll close on a big laugh.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Great.

[Pete Holmes]

I've really enjoyed this chat.

[Valerie]

Me too. It's good to be back.

[Pete Holmes]

It's good to be back. The rapper Harry back.

[Valerie]

Harry back.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Diss track. Harry Mack. More like Harry back.

[Valerie]

This is very, like, easy E, like that kind of genre of hip hop. I feel like, where it's taken.

[Pete Holmes]

Drag. Easy. You mean like early hip hop drag?

[Valerie]

I'm not dragon. I'm just saying it's like. That seems like something from that time.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. In fact, I find that to be darling. Early hip hop.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

And when people, like, go like, no, that was. That was awesome. I'm like, I is.

[Valerie]

Well, just.

[Pete Holmes]

That's your. These dang doors keep the elements out. It's. It's like, even. I won't say people will be mad, but, like, I'm not.

[Valerie]

What do you mean? What is happening? I don't even understand.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just gonna be like, oh, I don't. I don't even like some classic, like, here. I will say, like, I don't like Gangster's Delight.

[Valerie]

Okay, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think anybody that does. That's just like. That's oysters. You're just pretending to like it. Oh, I do like oysters.

[Valerie]

Oh, okay. But you really feel like people like, it's so sacred that people don't like you not liking it.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel like you know the one, and I'm not even sure about my opinion going back to, like, we don't even know our own feelings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't love, like, Christmas and Hollis. Like, the. It's Christmas time and Hollis, Queens.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I just don't like that it doesn't. It's so da da, da, da, da da. But, you know, I also understand that it's great. So please. I don't know why I feel like I'm. I'm in the clear with Japan and farting, but, like, I know this is Run dmc feels like somebody. You can't. Like Wu Tang. You can't fuck with them. Okay, well, so I take it back.

[Valerie]

I'm so out of that world, I think that I don't know what's sacred and what's not.

[Pete Holmes]

I found it. I found it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's because that genre, that time in hip hop, the cool kids liked it, and I felt excluded. That's all it is. See, this is what I mean. So you ask an African, can I wear a dashiki? You're saying you're asking them to go into the labyrinth of their feelings. This is what I mean. I say I don't like Run dmc. No. Like, five seconds of introspection, and I'm like, actually, Zach Johnson, cool kid. They like that. My brother. They liked it. And I. And still I'll be like.

[Valerie]

Felt left out. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It made me feel left out.

[Valerie]

Like every person is nothing to do with the universe of, like, that's it. Specific things. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And. And unfortunately, that's what is so endlessly compelling but also frustrating about the human experience, is like, we're mysteries to ourselves.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're like, the last ones to even know.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm telling you, we're back where we started. That I watched There Will Be Blood, and I go, oh, that's why. Like, it took me 15 years.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

2,000 viewings to go, like. Oh. Like. So it's weird to go around and be like, you know, Italians don't want us serving pizza.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In burger places. That hurts their feelings. It's like, guys, we don't. We don't even know our own feelings. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't do our best.

[Valerie]

Yeah. I think we. Yeah. There's also just like, all right, it's complicated for some people. And, like, do you have to wear a dashiki right now, white man? Like, if it does make some people uncomfortable.

[Pete Holmes]

But If I could snap my fingers and we were in 2026, and wearing dashiki was the highest. Like, look at that white person.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The. The honor that you're giving this culture to say, I love you so much. Your culture is my culture. I want to be like you. You know what I mean? And we've come so far to be like, you can't wear a Kobe jersey because it's appropriation because you're white.

[Valerie]

But, I mean, you don't see how that would be like, you. That's. It's my culture. You also have to have this.

[Pete Holmes]

I understand that argument.

[Valerie]

Like, that's. I think that's the. How it is received. That's the impact is, like, you. You have taken everything you've wanted from every culture possible, and now you're gonna take, like, our. The thing that is secretly. Yeah, you're gonna take my dashiki.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna take my dashiki, too. Yeah, I think.

[Valerie]

And. And it. There is sort of a white supremacist even concept of, like, you should be honored that I am your thing.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think you can understand if there's an earnest way that it could be done where it is. Like, if I told you a story. It's funny. It's like Tom Cruise, Last Samurai, right? He goes and lives with the samurai. He's with them. He learns their ways. He's accepted. And then they give him the adornments of the samurai, and he fights with them, and he dies. It's actually similar to hip hop. Like, are you from this neighborhood? Did you grow up in this way? We want to know that before, like, why can Eminem rap, like, white guy? Why. Why isn't that appropriate? Because he's. His life was hip hoppy enough in the way that Tom Cruise's experience with samurai enough. Samurai, Samurai, Samurai. Let's just say if I lived in Uganda for 17 years, and I'm always wearing khakis, and I'm always. And then one day. It's very similar to Darjeeling Limited. They save the boy, or they find the boy in the river, and then they give them the bindis and they. They do the whole ceremony with them. Because it's like, you've experienced life and death with us. You've been in love with us, You've been in our culture. Now we'll give you the. That's like, if it is given. Yeah, yeah, given.

[Valerie]

I think that's the difference.

[Pete Holmes]

All right, so I'm gonna wear a dashiki and a sign that says, hold up. And then Lots of fine texts that say, I spent 17 months in Uganda.

[Valerie]

And we are mysteries to ourselves.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're mysteries to ourselves. Do people even know what they mean?

[Valerie]

If you're.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't like Hollis Queens. Yeah. And you have to read all of it before I'll even accept any criticism. And by then, guess what? I've already flown by in my deceit key on my unicycle.

[Valerie]

I just. Just. I guess I didn't know how badly you wanted to wear Tashiki. Also, Zach Johnson. How come all the cool kids were named Zach? You just said the cool kid that.

[Pete Holmes]

Liked he had his ear pierced. Because Leela's getting her ear pierced today. And she said, are you gonna get your ear pierced? Ears pierced? She said, ears? And I said, no. And she said, why not? You look so handsome.

[Valerie]

I was like, so cute.

[Pete Holmes]

That's Hollis Queen. Zach got his ear pierced. We were in third grade.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he got his.

[Valerie]

Did he have a diamond stud?

[Pete Holmes]

I think it was just the stud for a while. Because everybody wants the hoop. I think a lot of people wanted the hoop.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah. That is sort of 80s 90s was more of the diamond stud.

[Pete Holmes]

My brother had his ear pierced. I'm pretty sure.

[Valerie]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Pretty sure. Because I remember thinking the stud looks so gross, and it's all red. There's like, a time where it's. Before it's cool.

[Valerie]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Before it's cool, it's not cool.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a real. Talk about dashiki. I'm not trying to be funny that it's so. It feels so ancient.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It feels like an old. Like, we don't have a lot of things. Rites of Passages, obviously. Menstruation. I'm just saying there's not a lot of stuff where it's like, this is gonna hurt.

[Valerie]

Yeah. This is gonna hurt. And you're.

[Pete Holmes]

That's part of it.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

She loves that. It's gonna.

[Valerie]

She's. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I can't wait to show off how brave she was.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And, like, go through this thing that then she's like. It's like a threshold that she's on the other side of. She'll always have her ears pierced now. And, like, it's like a permanent thing. Honestly, it's the same. I'm excited for her, too, because it's how I feel about getting tattoos. It's, like, not even about the afterwards, which, you know, I understand. Seems dumb, because it's a thing, but the experience of doing it. I've only ever done it with friends and the experience of, like, we're going through something right now, we're entering a threshold and there is an other side to this thing that's. And she's going to go with her little friend and have that experience.

[Pete Holmes]

Richard Rohr's whole thing, or not his whole thing, but one of the things that he loves the most is he goes. If you're doing some sort of ceremony, some sort of initiation, it's like you can do it. You can leave your house. He goes, find a line, find a rock, find a tree, branch, something, and stand on one side of it and mindfully say, I'm crossing over this tree or this rock. And he's like, it'll. He's like, you'll be shocked at the effect it has.

[Valerie]

I sort of feel that way every single time I get in the ocean. I just treat it a little bit like a baptism. If I'm going deep in, I'm like, all right, I'm coming out a deep new.

[Pete Holmes]

Speaking of Task. Loved that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

They mentioned Richard Orr.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

On the show Task.

[Valerie]

They did.

[Pete Holmes]

Unbelievable.

[Valerie]

Very cool. Roar. I feel like that's a joke you would make.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know.

[Valerie]

How does it feel?

[Pete Holmes]

This is why I'm always asking you if you're going to leave me. Cuz I'm out here saying ror Richard Rorfalo.

[Valerie]

But I just delighted in your worst joke ever.

[Pete Holmes]

Which one?

[Valerie]

Jeep Wranglers.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, yeah. There was also lgbtq. Rst. Like, that is like, you knew that. That to me, with all respect to Boston, when I go to Boston, I go to Dunkin Donuts with my father. And that's the kind of joke you would hear at Dunkin Donuts in Arlington. And I'm not putting it down. I'm just saying it's basic. Basic.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Qrs apostrophe, question mark. It's like, all right, I. I get it. We're over here. They're over there and they have a lot of letters.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, it is. It's very Boston. Dunkin Donuts.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Trey.

[Valerie]

It's a super Dunkin Donuts joke.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Trey. Trey.

[Valerie]

Trey. Dunkin donuts.

[Pete Holmes]

Trey Dunk. DD.

[Valerie]

DD.

[Pete Holmes]

LGBTQ DD plus the DD's for Dunkin Donuts. All right, there you go.

[Valerie]

You got yourself a podcast there.

[Pete Holmes]

It was. It was human made, human grown. And your mind can tell you, and you can tell.

[Valerie]

All right, babies, well, we'll see you next week. Yeah, keep it crispy. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium On Apple Podcasts, you'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, the Sarah Silverman Podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show, feed on Apple Podcasts and hit subscribe. Make Life Suck Less with Fewer Ads With Lemonada Premium, are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one bestselling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister Elizabeth Craft. That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood. Join us as we explore ideas and hacks and about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from lemonada Media.