We Made It Weird #240

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We Made It Weird #240" – You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Date: February 6, 2026
Hosts: Pete Holmes & Valerie
Theme:
A deeply funny, sometimes silly, often philosophical conversation about secret weirdness, regular life crises, sex, dead chickens, spiritual progress (or lack thereof), and the ways we try to make sense out of life, death, and our own deeply human brains.

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1. Episode Overview

Pete and Valerie (Val) reunite for a favorite "We Made It Weird" installment—no guests, just freewheeling, vulnerable riffing between them. They touch on everything from the weirdness of sex and shame to spiritual epiphanies, the ethics of dead chickens, why ghost animals never visit, and the comic calamity of being human brains inhabiting quirky bodies. They mix deep spiritual wisdom with fresh-out-of-bed pettiness, making this episode a uniquely hilarious and honest check-in with life’s messiness.

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2. Key Discussion Points & Insights

“Fake Yawns, Real Vulnerability, and Letting Yourself Be Sad”

• The episode opens with riffs about fake yawns always turning into real ones, likened to a David Copperfield magic trick.
• Pete and Val muse about pretending to know about things in conversation ("going along to get along"), admitting much of life is just bluffing so as not to slow things down.
• They then transition into the weight of emotional days:
  • Valerie: "I'm just in my feelings." (06:33)
  • Pete: "I'm gonna go inside. I'm gonna investigate the feeling. What is its source?" (06:53)
• Discussing how often feelings just want to be seen, not fixed:
  • Pete: "How often is the answer nothing? Just space." (07:04)

“Humor and Childhood Language”

• The couple gleefully riff about what they called farts as kids ("toots" or "poots"), spiraling into a tangent about the children’s show Blippi (“Blimpy/Blimpy”?) and its unnerving childless-adult-in-a-ballpit vibes.
• Pete distinguishes between people who work children’s parties in costume (Barney) and those who don’t, joking about how business attire, like dinosaur suits, is a kind of protective barrier against impropriety (09:20–12:07).

“Why Do We Make Sex Cute?”

• A laugh-out-loud riff about the weirdness of Playboy bunnies and Chippendales chipmunks:
  • Pete: “We’re trying to be like, ‘It’s cute!’” (13:36)
  • Valerie: “But sex shouldn’t be cute.” (14:13)
• They connect sex shame to the impulse to “innocentify” adult reality, relating it to how brands use cartoon mascots for food made from animals.

“Animal Death, Mystery, and Witchcraft”

• A chicken in their backyard dies mysteriously, alongside a cluster of dead butterflies—Val deliberates: should they bury the chicken as a pet, or “toss it over the fence” for the coyotes? (22:09)
• Pete reminisces about coming across a severed deer’s hoof in Maine and the knee-jerk assumption of “witchcraft” in weird rural mysteries.
  • Valerie: "We don't understand nature. So it's... and we fear people that kind of like, are like, I like, you know how you have WiFi. I have nature." (19:46)
• This segues into musings about animal ghosts and whether cows, dogs, or cats ever see “their own” spirits.

“Language, Words, and Their Limits”

• The hosts dive into how arbitrary language can be, riffing on words like "boo" vs. "moo," and how sometimes wordplay gives as much meaning as depth.
  • Pete: "It's so dumb how hard we believe in words." (24:35)

“The Philosophy Section: The Nature of Being”

The Unanswerable Mysteries and the Limits of Knowing

• Valerie finds herself obsessing over mundane mysteries (“I have to know!”) and links it to our existential craving for answers:
  • Valerie: “That is a weird feeling because we have that about the whole nature of existence... like, that's the big one...” (37:06)
• Pete: “The brain, the mind, doesn't get to ever really be fully satisfied. And that stinks.” (37:51)

Seeking, Spiritual Practice, and “Being Cake”

• Extended discussion of spiritual teachers (especially John Wheeler), non-duality, and the “Kimlin scale” as a way of rating how close things/people are to expectations.
• Pete shares the concept: you are what you’re seeking—likened to “being cake,” or being water that can’t write “I’m dry” in itself.
  • Pete: “You are, what you're looking for is really funny... You're looking for it. And you are it.” (39:56–40:00)
  • Valerie: “You are already doing it.” (41:18)
• Valerie highlights her own role as the practical-minded counterbalance to Pete’s spiritual bookishness—reiterating that sometimes, what helps most is just “letting feelings move through you” and not believing every story the mind produces.

“No Report Cards In Awareness”

• Pete grapples with not being present or aware every moment: "The brain can't handle that. It doesn't even like it." (65:50)
• Valerie points out how Western spirituality and education often build in “grading systems” that make us feel perpetually behind, versus simply accepting ourselves as we are.

“Admitting Pettiness and Accepting Humanity”

• They share petty, self-effacing stories:
  • Pete tells a story about undermining his own career’s duration ("I said I’d been doing comedy for 12 years...it's 22!")
  • They riff about overreacting to perceived slights (“Don’t get me started”).
• Valerie: “These are the things I love about you. It's fun to live with somebody… accept that you’re accepted… and even when you broke somebody's heart in high school or whatever—you’re in it." (78:19)

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3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Vulnerability & Emotional Honesty:
  • Valerie: "I'm just in my feelings." (06:33)
  • Pete: "Beautiful, beautiful sadness. The biggest sadness I've ever felt... I'm gonna let it wash through me. I'm not gonna get caught in the story." (06:38)
• On the Human Need for Mystery:
  • Valerie: “It feels really wrong...you're like, I have to know. And maybe it's because... that's a weird feeling because we have that about the whole nature of existence.” (36:46–37:06)
• On Seeking & Non-Duality:
  • Pete: "You are, what you're looking for is really funny... You're looking for it. And you are it." (39:56–40:00)
  • Valerie: “It is so accessible. You are already doing it. You are.” (41:14–41:18)
• On Self-Acceptance:
  • Valerie: “There’s no problem here. You’re not making any sort of mistakes. And like, we are here. Let's do the dang thing... sometimes you're a petty little.” (68:23–68:44)
  • Pete: “Accept that you're accepted. Even if I'm, like, depressed and angry and bitter and awful. Your cake.” (59:49)
• On Relativity of Shame and Progress:
  • Valerie: “Every cruel act comes from shame. I think everybody who is being awful, it's because they have not gotten right with themselves.” (69:38)
• On Language:
  • Pete: "It's so dumb how hard we believe in words. And that's why I'm always drawn to, like, a sadness. The word sadness is so many things." (24:35)

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4. Segment Timestamps

• 00:45–02:35: Pete jokes about performing in various U.S. clubs, self-deprecates about Miami’s attractiveness, and expresses love for the podcast’s simplicity.
• 03:56–04:54: They riff about fake yawns, segueing to Copperfield and pretending in conversation.
• 06:28–07:07: Raw talk about feelings needing space rather than intervention.
• 08:13–09:51: Fart names, childhood innocence, and Blippi/Blimpy skepticism.
• 12:07–15:23: Sex is “cute-ified”; discussion on sex shame and animal mascots.
• 19:36–22:24: Dead chicken/butterfly/hoof mystery and rural superstition.
• 24:31–25:02: Language games (“boo” vs. “moo”) and philosophical musing on sadness.
• 36:46–41:18: Valerie’s obsession with solving small mysteries is linked to big existential questions; extended non-duality exploration.
• 46:15–56:02: Stepwise breakdown of observing your thoughts, spiritual progress, and suffering caused by clinging to thoughts.
• 65:46–66:36: Western “report card” mentality versus actual acceptance.
• 74:32–78:35: Pete tells a story about misreporting the length of his career in casual conversation.
• 81:39–82:28: Final summing up of the human adventure as a messy, dreamy "dance”—"just play it," as Val says.

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5. Episode Tone & Takeaway

The tone swings from big-hearted silliness to spiritual self-inquiry with characteristic warmth and vulnerability. Pete and Val make listeners feel okay about their pettiness, shame, and confusion; they suggest that—despite our attempts at control and “improvement”—everyone is already “cake,” already in. The value isn’t in fixing, but in seeing, feeling, and laughing at what it means to be a weird, wonderful human.

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6. For Those Who Haven’t Listened…

This episode is a cozy espresso shot of Pete and Val’s favorite themes: being present, not letting shame run the show, and embracing even the strangest parts of life and self. You’ll leave feeling a little more okay with your own secret weirdness—and more likely to laugh about it.

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Key Takeaways:

• Feelings want to be seen, not fixed.
• The brain’s explanations are mostly stories—not reality.
• You can’t “lose” being; you’re already what you seek.
• Life’s mysteries—big and small—can be let go.
• Self-acceptance is the beginning and end of spiritual progress.

Final Quote:
Valerie: “Just play it. Keep it crispy.” (82:28)

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

Lemonade. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie]

What's happening? Weird.

[Pete Holmes]

Val did it again.

[Valerie]

That was.

[Pete Holmes]

She did a surprise. Keep it crispy.

[Valerie]

And I did a. We. I did it weird. I did it kind of like robotic or very monotone. So just stay tuned.

[Pete Holmes]

That you'll hear that in about an hour and 12 minutes.

[Valerie]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so glad you're here. Not much to plug. I always say that this is. This is the. These are my favorites.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I have a sleeper plan.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That at a certain point, certain age will just. It'll just be these.

[Valerie]

We'll just retire. We'll do this till we're dead.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I. Yeah. I'll never want to not do this.

[Valerie]

Same. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's also something about the fact that it's a true podcast. Meaning Wednesday's a video podcast. I love it. Kevin Nealon this week. Fantastic. And so many. We've had some great episodes lately. I'm just saying this. I love this.

[Valerie]

I love this.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm so glad we. We got to do it.

[Valerie]

Me, too. And thanks for listening, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Thanks for being here so much. Why did it sound fake when I was.

[Valerie]

Thanks for being here so much.

[Pete Holmes]

Thanks for why reading.

[Valerie]

You're really being here so much.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm on my website. Pete here now.

[Valerie]

He's always.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm always just on. I'm always just refreshing my website. Miami, Los Angeles. I'll be at Largo on March 7th. Royal Oak, Michigan. Irving, Texas Oaks.

[Valerie]

It's plural.

[Pete Holmes]

Is it Royal Oaks, Michigan. I love Michigan. It's one of my favorite states.

[Valerie]

Fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

Madison, Wisconsin. One of my favorite clubs in Denver, Colorado. One of my favorite clubs. I'm only saying Irving. I don't think I've been to Irving, so I'm not skipping that. Where is Miami? You know what you did? I'm just kidding. No, Miami just makes me feel very unattractive.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So whenever I'm like, oh, I'm going to Florida, which I am 2-20-22, just know that I need you to be there because I'm going to be feeling very margarine body.

[Valerie]

So if you could go to those shows and then, like, cat, call him.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Valerie]

Like, hubba, hubba.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing too distracting, but just a little, like, looking good, homes.

[Valerie]

Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

Florida accepts you.

[Valerie]

Yes. You belong here.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right. And. Yeah. That's it.

[Valerie]

So go check those out. And.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, that's it. Go to those and enjoy the episode. We're so. We're so glad you're here.

[Valerie]

Get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Do. Do it again. Because I was very distracted. I was trying to remember the name. It doesn't matter. Okay.

[Valerie]

Okay. Now do you?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I just wanted, you know, I was trying to remember something.

[Valerie]

I know you felt like you were like falling asleep. We're so glad.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know. I didn't like it.

[Valerie]

We're so glad you're here.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so glad you're here. This episode deserves more.

[Valerie]

Thank you for listening. Yeah, we hope you enjoy Jules.

[Pete Holmes]

Julian, my friend Jules will be there.

[Valerie]

Oh, cool. Shout out to Jules in.

[Pete Holmes]

In Florida and his beautiful wife.

[Valerie]

And in the meantime, get into it. Hey there, it's Julia Louis Dreyfus. I'm back with a new season of Wiser Than Me, the show where I sit down with remarkable older women and soak up their stories, their humor, and their hard earned wisdom. Every conversation leaves me a little smarter and definitely more inspired. And yes, I'm still calling my 91 year old mom Judy to get her take on it. All Wiser Than Me from Lemonada Media is out now, wherever you get your podcasts.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, it's me, Steve Burns. And I'm so glad you're here because you and I go way back, right? Yeah. And look at us now, like we're all grown up. We've got this new podcast where we talk about all this grown up stuff and there's special guests like Jamie Lee Curtis and Bill Nye, but for the most part, it's about you. I mean, it's always been about you. From Lemonada Media Alive with Steve burns is coming September 17th. Wherever you get your podcasts or you can watch every episode on YouTube. This is Bob Marley yawning. He turned into a real one. A couple. A couple real ones.

[Valerie]

It already does. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, it already does.

[Valerie]

It already does. It always does.

[Pete Holmes]

A fake yawn.

[Valerie]

A fake yawn always turns into a real yawn.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it does. And it's great because it kind of feels like. I don't know how to explain it, but there's the fake yawn.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is like I. It's not right, but it's like a tarp on a body of water. And then the real yawn kind of. Remember when David Copperfield went through the Great Wall of China? What if this is when you find out? I think he really did it. Do you remember they put like a condom on the wall?

[Valerie]

It was like a. I didn't see this, actually.

[Pete Holmes]

Really?

[Valerie]

I'm pretending.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I like that you pretended. And then like all pretenders, the horror.

[Valerie]

That had kept going yeah, exactly 100%. Oh. We're gonna talk about the details of how it. And I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm lying. I thought it was just a part of the wrist that we were moving on.

[Pete Holmes]

We just want a potty to capture a real. The horror when, like, a lot of life is just going like, yeah, because you don't want to slow it down. It's not really a lie. It's just kind of like, sure, I'm aware of.

[Valerie]

So you didn't say, like. Valerie, do you remember when David Copperfield broke through the Wall of China?

[Pete Holmes]

Walked through the Great Wall of China. Thank you. Not to. That's like calling a doctor.

[Valerie]

The good wall.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a great wall. Great. How come he's. Wait, he does. He does want a wall. All the.

[Valerie]

I know. They love walls. I mean, it's so poetic, isn't it? They're just trying to put walls up to protect them. Walls are great because they have the squishiest baby.

[Pete Holmes]

They're the squishiest babies. I feel so tender today.

[Valerie]

I'm just in my feelings.

[Pete Holmes]

I' Beautiful feeling.

[Valerie]

Beautiful. Beautiful sadness. The biggest sadness I've ever felt. The biggest sadness anyone's ever felt. I'm gonna sit. I'm gonna sit there. I'm gonna let it wash through me. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm not gonna get caught in the story.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna go inside. I'm gonna investigate the feeling. What is its source? Beautiful source.

[Valerie]

And then I'm gonna nurture it. What does it need from me?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie]

What can I do for it?

[Pete Holmes]

And how often is the answer? Nothing. Just space. Just space.

[Valerie]

Just to be seen.

[Pete Holmes]

We were talking. Talking about Trump seeing a puppy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't think he fucks with puppies. But, like, somebody was saying, Putin does Putin.

[Valerie]

Does Putin, like, saw there was a puppy moment. A Putin puppy, Putin puppy moment.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, they have, like, Napoleon complex.

[Valerie]

Mm.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, because you're short.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There should be a poo. Poo complex. You have poo in your name.

[Valerie]

Yeah. If your name's Putin.

[Pete Holmes]

Putin.

[Valerie]

His name is also complex.

[Pete Holmes]

Not only is there pooh in his name, but his name is like, an abbreviated. I'm putting.

[Valerie]

I'm Putin.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm over here. Putin.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Don't you, like. Oops. I. That's all I think about when I hear.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that real?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because that was my realizing that his name is Putin.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Well, to be fair, that is what my family used to call farting Putin. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I just booted.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a thing. I don't know why I'm not in the mood to talk about farts. But, like, I just want to say one thing.

[Valerie]

I feel I'm just enjoying.

[Pete Holmes]

Very vulnerable, Embarrassed.

[Valerie]

I feel right now.

[Pete Holmes]

We call them toots.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And I think most people call them toots. So that's.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the next level.

[Valerie]

Food is like.

[Pete Holmes]

If toots is hello Kitty, Poots is like Sailor Moon. I don't know.

[Valerie]

No, I think Sailor Moon's cool. I think Poots is like. If. If Poots is like hello Kitty, Poots is Barney.

[Pete Holmes]

That's.

[Valerie]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

That just took my breath away. I was gonna say it was the guy. Who's the guy? There's a guy who figured out if I put on a floppy hat and suspenders and, like, loud pastel colors. Blippy, Blippi. Blippi, Blippi. Blimpy, Blimpy, Blippi, Blippi.

[Valerie]

I think it's Blippi.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's blimpy. Well, agree to disagree, every blimpy. I'm going with blimpy. I watch when you say that guy shouldn't be there.

[Valerie]

Like, I know.

[Pete Holmes]

He really feels childless to me. Like, there's a vibe. There's like a pheromone that a dad show your kids. Yeah. Every episode. If you don't know what blimpy is, it's like a hipster. It's like a middle aged hipster.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who dresses up like someone you know. It's a touchy area. Yeah, Touchy area. I'm just saying. And he goes to, like, a ball pit and hangs with the kids. But he's just a man. There's a reason we dress them like dragons and dinosaurs. Cause it's weird. It's also very practical.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He's not there. There's a dinosaur suit.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's a dinosaur.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fine. And in the din. I'm not even trying to be, like, dark funny. I'm just saying, like, in the dinosaur suit, you're kind of limited. Like, Barney can't touch his penis.

[Valerie]

And he doesn't have one.

[Pete Holmes]

He doesn't. Not only has it been completely smoothed over, but he. His little arms can't reach his wiener. Blimpy's just a guy in a ball pit. And I'm always like. It should start with him being like, hi, I'm Blimpy. I'm not that.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. It should start like that. I know what you're thinking. I'm not that. Okay, now let's go have some fun in this ball pit.

[Pete Holmes]

It should be 30, 10 second testimonials of people he knows, neighbors, children that are like, he's good, he's safe. And then I'll watch a guy in orange framed glasses, but, you know, on.

[Valerie]

The other side frolic. I have seen, like, it is. It can be really kind of interesting from the guy's perspective. Like, I know men who are great with kids, who love kids, who just, like, didn't have any of their own yet. And, like, they would face this where they're like, everybody thinks that it's weird.

[Pete Holmes]

That I was one. I was one of these. I mean, for sure.

[Valerie]

I think people sometimes when they don't see you with me and Leela and you ask to hold their baby, are kind of like, don't.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I bought a dinosaur suit. It's like, look, I can't even touch my genitals. I'm in a dinosaur suit. The suit is another layer.

[Valerie]

We're going back to the.

[Pete Holmes]

It's more time to intervene. It's like, look at how cumbersome that suit is.

[Valerie]

So dark.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not that dark.

[Valerie]

Okay?

[Pete Holmes]

It's, it's. It's sold in the same store as a dark thing. But I'm saying what I'm saying we've made this point before that the business attire. This is safer. It's all grownups.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Business attire is to stop you from having sex. It's like, it's like three piece suits and vests and ties. If two people give in in an office.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's so much to that little button.

[Valerie]

I don't know if this is true.

[Pete Holmes]

That little button at the top of like. Have you ever seen a guy undo that? The top button on his collar?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That was designed to be like, are you sure this is worth your career? You want to do this in the office.

[Valerie]

But that. But that can't. That's not real. Because people dress up on dates.

[Pete Holmes]

Not that much.

[Valerie]

Some people dress up in tuxedos, not for, like, regular dates, but, you know, like, yes. To go.

[Pete Holmes]

That's to, like, kink what I'm talking about. It's to be like.

[Valerie]

It's to keep nothing but the bow tie.

[Pete Holmes]

Leave it on. Leave it on. Colonel Sanders wasn't that.

[Valerie]

Well, I guess, because Chippendales.

[Pete Holmes]

But like, yeah, Chippendales was like. But I feel like Chippendales was like, what if it's all the tension of, wow, he's got A lot to take off. But he's naked.

[Valerie]

He does.

[Pete Holmes]

But it is the. The wisp.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Of.

[Valerie]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

He really wants this. Cuz he was wearing a tuxedo.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And he didn't even bother to take the tie off.

[Pete Holmes]

And the cufflinks. It's dumb. I mean, but there's also something kind of knightish going on.

[Valerie]

Yeah, I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah, I mean, I'm not trying to be. Who cares? I'm just saying I like Playboy bunnies.

[Valerie]

Okay. Seems out of left field.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no. Like the Playboy club.

[Valerie]

Huh?

[Pete Holmes]

Women. Now I feel like I shouldn't admit this.

[Valerie]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

In this. No, no, no. I just meant like completely unintentionally. You just think. I mean, Playboy centerfolds, right?

[Valerie]

I guess so.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, the women that wear the light. It's like a one piece bathing suit with a bunny tail. Yeah, that's our Chippendale.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

The Chippendales were like, you have bunnies, we have chipmunks. The Chippendales.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's right. It's all bunnies and chipmunks.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, sex is so weird. We're trying to be like. Or it's cute.

[Valerie]

It's cute.

[Pete Holmes]

It's cute.

[Valerie]

Look, bunnies do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Nothing cute. Sounds like, you know, glorping. We're just ladling a big. There's just a. I don't want to do it. Oh my God.

[Valerie]

I bet you did.

[Pete Holmes]

I did. It was there like the Donald Duck sound I did. I faded.

[Valerie]

This. This is what he said. You know, glorping, like ladle in a big olive. Like, what the hell?

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying it's not cute. Sex is not cute. No, I'll take mine.

[Valerie]

Also shouldn't be, though.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it shouldn't be. I agree.

[Valerie]

It shouldn't be cute.

[Pete Holmes]

I shouldn't. I agree. It shouldn't be.

[Valerie]

It's weird that we make it cute. It's like that's. It's like your shame is showing.

[Pete Holmes]

Your shame is showing.

[Valerie]

Like your sex shame is.

[Pete Holmes]

Sex shame is showing.

[Valerie]

Your sex shame is showing. Is showing that you're trying to make this like cute and innocent.

[Pete Holmes]

Right?

[Valerie]

Because it's like, it is innocent, but you clearly think it's not innocent, so you're trying to make it even more innocent.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, this is. I'm gonna go with it. It's how like chicken restaurants where there's like all these dead chickens. Like, the mascot is a chicken.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Or like the.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very similar.

[Valerie]

Yeah. The cows are the cows on a Surfboard.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's like, try the ribeye. Like, there's just a lot happening.

[Valerie]

That's the Chick Fil. A thing is that. It's cows writing the sign that say, eat more chicken, which is like. Yeah. Like, murdered the chickens instead of us.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we know you. You're not going to murder nobody.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Shouldn't the cows be writing signs that say go vegan? I know they have a billboard throwing.

[Valerie]

The chickens under the.

[Pete Holmes]

Because they have beef.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

All right.

[Valerie]

Welcome to. You made it weird, everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fun to have an area. It's fun to have a space.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Where I have no hesitation to say ladling. I was picturing, like, a thing of Crisco. Like, oil. Like, a sound of, like, trying to get a big ladle. And there's just suction and puckering and slurping and. And sex and. And chicken isn't. Isn't a fried little everything in a chicken salad. A chicken salad chicken sandwich is, like, it's really trying to streamline it. The bun is like a perfect circle. Like, don't worry about it. Look at how geometrically perfect our circles are. And the tomato is also perfect. We'll get. So how many circles do you need? And a square the cheese before you can trust that? We know math. We know math. We're not savages. We know math. We have three circles and a rect. A. Try a square.

[Valerie]

This is not murder. It's geometry.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I'm saying. And then there's, like, where I imagine Joe Rogan goes, where the chicken sandwiches are on, like, oblong bread. Like, the bread looks like a Viking was like, we found bread in the coward's cupboard. And he chunks a hunk of it.

[Valerie]

He chunks a chunk and he goes, snarfs it.

[Pete Holmes]

Snarfs it. And it's dipped in butter in a way that like. Like a. Like a guy, like a CSI detective could go. Someone dipped something in this. Like, you know what I mean? It leaves a smear.

[Valerie]

The ridges. It was a snake.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

Okay. Oh, I was.

[Pete Holmes]

I was saying I like having an area like this. That was the end.

[Valerie]

So I go, yes, I. We had a chicken pass away recently from spider bite. Maybe. Maybe. Spider bite. Our dog got us a huge spider bite. And then our chicken, also, around the same time, died, like, in the coop with no visible signs of any kind of.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. It was the beginning of Shutter Island. But a chicken.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it was very weird. And, like, the day before, the chicken was fine, so. And there were also a lot of dead Butterflies all around there. So, like, what's going on?

[Pete Holmes]

This is why. May I interject ever so briefly?

[Valerie]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

This is why witchcraft. This is like people in quiet.

[Valerie]

This is why witchcraft areas.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, I remember I went for a walk in Maine once. My ex wife was from Maine.

[Valerie]

Talk to you for a second.

[Pete Holmes]

There it is. Thank you for keeping that alive. And that's not for the show. That's just what we do in our lives.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Any mention of the ex.

[Valerie]

Can I talk to you for a second?

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. So we were going for a stroll in, like, pretty back. I don't want. Is backwards. I'm not trying. I'm just saying rural backwards. Yeah, backwards. Like, I think there was no gas station anywhere near this. It was the woods. And we were walking and we just found a deer's hoof in the middle of the path. What you could calling it a path is. I really feel like at the top of the show, you really have to, like, guide me. Otherwise I'm going to be talking about whether or not we could call this a path. Keep me from the rift.

[Valerie]

Go hoof. Go hoof.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, hoof. Hoof is more important.

[Valerie]

Hoof is more important.

[Pete Holmes]

And I remember this hoof because, you know, there. You don't forget a deer's God.

[Valerie]

Okay, less on the hoof now.

[Pete Holmes]

Less on the hoof. But it ended like, there's the joint, you know, where the. The hoof bends. But it was like, in between the hoof and the first. The elbow. Do they have elbows? It wasn't like, at a point. And it was kind of. Sorry to gross people out, but, like, I don't think that's over. Sorry to have grossed you out. It's not gonna get worse.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

But it was just sort of severed in a weird place. Like, it didn't seem like nobody was butchering a deer. It was like, maybe we thought a wild animal. But then we go home and her dad was like, went right to witchcraft. And I'm just saying, when there's butterflies, a dead chicken, and your dog has a. Well, is that part of it?

[Valerie]

Well, just kind of. That you're just like, what? What happened? Because we were away, we don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

What to call nature.

[Valerie]

We're just like, what? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we go.

[Valerie]

We don't understand nature. So it's.

[Pete Holmes]

And we fear people that kind of like, are like, I like, you know how you have Wi Fi. I have nature. Like, I'm synced up and I get it and give me a hoof and something that you could call A path, and I'll make your chicken die.

[Valerie]

You could call a path. I. Yeah. So this chicken. I have another mystery, actually, that I'll tell you about after this. The thought about the chicken was just going back to the movie.

[Pete Holmes]

This is, like, my favorite murderer. But we talk about chickens.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why we're. We're number one.

[Valerie]

Oh. I thought we were gonna, like, improvise a name for this kind of podcast. Whatever. Like a Cluck Done it. I don't know. That's. This is just first draft, I guess.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cluck Done it. I like it. I like it. Detective Kluxo.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that something?

[Valerie]

Sure. Oh, yeah. Like couso. Anyway, you've.

[Pete Holmes]

You've done it. If you've wanted to silence me, you did a good thing. Okay, I did.

[Valerie]

Because that's why I'm talking.

[Pete Holmes]

You've afforded yourself, like, is.

[Valerie]

Anytime anybody else starts talking, you could say that. Look, if you wanted to silence me, you did by starting to talk.

[Pete Holmes]

That's true.

[Valerie]

The only problem is, a lot of times it doesn't work.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't go on.

[Valerie]

Just that I didn't. I had, like, an ethical dilemma because we've had two. This is our third chicken that died. No, this is the second chicken that died. But the first one died because it was. It flew the coop, and a coyote got a hold of it, and I was like, that's very sad. But also, coyotes gotta eat. I get it. Like, I also know that if the nature documentary was following the coyotes and you're seeing it get skinnier, and it's like, it has been three months since this coyote has had its last.

[Pete Holmes]

It's been three months since Stephanie's had a chicken.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

They named the coyotes. Stephanie has been hungry and her baby. Coyotes are popping.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And Putin. Yeah, that's what we called it. Morgan.

[Valerie]

Morgan. Too much detail. But I was like, well, at least, you know, like, I. It got a meal in that circle of life, baby.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie]

So this chicken mysteriously dies of witchcraft.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, old age or just something. They're so close to dying.

[Valerie]

They're. They're, like, strangely, like. Like, very resilient and also incredibly stressful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's true. It's both.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I've seen a chicken go through a lot and be fine. Then other times, I'm like, chickens are like a room full of overflated balloons.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And every once in a while, there's just a loud pop, and you're like, well, somebody blew these balloons up too much.

[Valerie]

Yeah, and thanks for going with that. So I have no choice. I.

[Pete Holmes]

Are you okay?

[Valerie]

So I just, like, had this ethical dilemma where I was sort of like, all right, like, this chicken was a pet. Feels like we should bury this chicken. Like, we're where Brody, our dog, is buried, and we're. We're just gonna. You know, in 20 years, we're gonna have a whole cemetery, a pet cemetery. And then they'll come to life, and then they'll hunt the other animals, you know? But also, it's a waste of a probably perfectly good chicken, unless it died of poison.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, that. That brought up something interesting. Are. Are there, like, ghost cows? But only cows see them.

[Valerie]

I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, are your ghosts that species?

[Valerie]

I mean, the ghost thing, you can poke so many holes in and look.

[Pete Holmes]

You'Re talking to somebody on a sheet. You can poke so many holes. The mouth is optional.

[Valerie]

Mouth is up.

[Pete Holmes]

I prefer no mouth.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah. But I. I mean, I believe probably. I believe in ghosts. Like, I think that seems right, but, like, there's so many holes to poke into that you're like, where are the. And is it. That's where you get into? Like, I guess it's just people who have unfinished business and do. Like, animals have unfinished business. They're like, I needed to eat that bunch of grass.

[Pete Holmes]

Ready to go.

[Valerie]

I need to tell my calf not to eat those berries.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. Well, that might be good.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If they saw their calf going over to those berries that killed them.

[Valerie]

Yeah, totally.

[Pete Holmes]

I used to have a bit about this.

[Valerie]

Move to another place.

[Pete Holmes]

Mine is worse. Boo is only one letter off from Moo.

[Valerie]

I like that. That was very much like poison. Berry is only one letter off of Boysenberry.

[Pete Holmes]

I had a lot of one letter off.

[Valerie]

It is just words. Like, we've talked about this, but we need to laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

We should be laughing more at words. This is not a pipe. The map is not the terrain. The menu is not the meal. It's so dumb how hard we believe in words. And that's why I'm always drawn to, like, a sadness. The word sadness is so many things. There's so many feelings that were just like, sadness, but there's, like, a little bit of curiosity in there or something. Like, it's so weird.

[Valerie]

And there's the big sadness. The biggest sadness I've ever felt.

[Pete Holmes]

Go see the movie Melania. I saw it. I loved it.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Yeah, I heard about.

[Pete Holmes]

Great documentary.

[Valerie]

Did she produce it? Is it one of those?

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know. I don't even think it details I don't even think it's like, cats, like, you watch it as a joke.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's what I've heard. Is that it's not even, like, something to hate watching.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Valerie]

Yeah. But anyway, so I didn't know because I was also like, but this is a perfectly good chicken. And like, we do have coyotes and seems.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you want to toss it over the.

[Valerie]

So I wanted to toss it over the fence and. And feed a coyote. But I'm glad it wasn't just up to me because I asked Leela and she was like, no, we have to bury it next to Brody. And so we did. And then I was like, is our dog gonna dig this up and eat the chicken?

[Pete Holmes]

And the dead dog, you mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah, the ghost dog.

[Pete Holmes]

He has unfinished to pee on. Dogs have a lot of business.

[Valerie]

Yeah, they actually do have a lot of business.

[Pete Holmes]

Is that what cats are seeing?

[Valerie]

That dogs have so much business?

[Pete Holmes]

No, ghost dogs.

[Valerie]

Oh, like, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are they seeing Forest Whitaker?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Wait, Forest Whitaker.

[Pete Holmes]

Forest Whitaker was in a movie called Ghost Dog.

[Valerie]

I wish I knew that.

[Pete Holmes]

I wish I knew it.

[Valerie]

You do.

[Pete Holmes]

I did. That reference was almost ungettable for me.

[Valerie]

I would love it. I would love to have known that. Okay, and then the other mystery, that.

[Pete Holmes]

Should be a Kimlin scale for people. Like, if you met Forest Whitaker.

[Valerie]

Just for those of you tuning in now, the Kimlin scale is a made up scale that Pete's very excited about.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm getting it going. It had other names, but we're going with Kimlin as if it's named after, like, a James Kimlin.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is not.

[Valerie]

No, it's just a made up word.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's how much.

[Valerie]

It's how much something tastes like. Like what you think it would taste.

[Pete Holmes]

Like based on, even hoped it would taste like.

[Valerie]

Sure.

[Pete Holmes]

You need to know about it before you eat it. And then when you eat it. A high Kimlin. So Frosted Flakes. We had Frosted Flakes this week.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You forget the sound of Frosted Flakes. See, it's one of the firmest cereals.

[Valerie]

The sound is so sad.

[Pete Holmes]

You could wake me from a coma with the sound of the back of a spoon tapping down Frosted Flakes into the milk.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I would go, I'm just kidding.

[Valerie]

I'm just kidding. I am not really sick.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not really sick. Dark.

[Valerie]

Good to know.

[Pete Holmes]

I like it.

[Valerie]

But.

[Pete Holmes]

But for people, you could have a Kim. Like, was that person when you met them, what you thought they would be?

[Valerie]

Well, I think we all experienced this during the pandemic where we only. We would meet people like Leela's teachers, our neighbors, when they took their masks off. Yeah, with masks. And then there was the moment where there was the reveal. Nobody looked like I thought they looked.

[Pete Holmes]

I always filled it in in my favor.

[Valerie]

It is like.

[Pete Holmes]

And their favor.

[Valerie]

This is a rift that you would do. It's like, you know those. Those tests where they give you. They, like, give you a. No, don't interrupt me. I have to say more than five words at a time, otherwise I lose all of it. Where it's like no vowels and it's just, you know. And your brain fills in the gaps. It's the opposite of that.

[Pete Holmes]

Because you were wrong, because everyone's good at the vowel thing. That was great.

[Valerie]

That's something you would say. You would make like you'd do that.

[Pete Holmes]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. We all know February can be a very weird month, especially in terms of relationships. We got flowers, we got candy, we got big romantic gestures. It can feel like everybody has their love life totally figured out. And maybe you don't. Maybe every. It doesn't matter if you're married, dating in a situationship, single, and working on me. We all have these things to navigate, and sometimes we need help. I definitely do. We've talked a lot about therapy on the show. We still will. It has changed my life. You need to know what you're bringing into a relationship. You need to know what might not be serving you. You need to know what you actually want from a relationship or just a friendship. Talking about it helps. And better help has over 30,000 therapists and is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. Therapists at work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US they do the matching work for you with a short questionnaire to help find someone who fits your needs. And if you want to switch therapists, you can do that anytime, and people are really into it. There is an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. 4.9 out of 5 stars. That's incredible. Imperfect love lives are normal. A little work can lead to a lot of progress. So sign up and get 10% [e-mail] weirdo. That's B E T T E R. Better H E L P.com weirdo. You know, I'm trying to keep my wardrobe simple these days. Fewer pieces, but better quality and stuff that actually holds up and looks amaz. That is a no brainer that I don't have to think about. And that's why I've been loving Quince. Quince does premium material, thoughtful design and everyday staples that just work. Especially when the weather can't decide what it's doing. Like currently, Quince has the essentials that I live in. Organic cotton sweaters, polos that work whether I'm on stage or out to dinner. Lightweight jackets that actually keep me warm without feeling too bulky. Everything is built to handle daily wear and still look good season after season. And this stuff is built perfectly. They work directly with top factories to cut out the middlemen so you're not paying crazy brand markups, just really solid quality. And they only partner with factories that meet their high standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I got the Mongolian cashmere crew neck sweater. Val picked it out. It was only 60 bucks for cashmere and now she insists that I wear it every single date night. It's ridiculously soft, it looks great and somehow costs less than sweaters I bought that were made out of basically dish towels. Refer Refresh Excuse me. Your wardrobe with quince go to quince.com weirdo for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com weirdo Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com weirdo hey everyone, it's Leah Greenberg and Ezra Levin. You might know us as two of the lead organizers of the no Kings protests. We're also the co founders of Indivisible, the grassroots movement organizing against Trump's regime.

[Valerie]

And this is what's the Plan? Your weekly guide to the state of our democracy and how we fight back. This is not canned talking points. It's a real live discussion space for the pro democracy movement. We wrestle with strategy together. We take your top voted questions in real time, and we talk about the most impactful actions we can take. Right now.

[Pete Holmes]

Democracy is a participatory sport. The fascists win. When we sit on the sidelines. What's the Plan is about how we get into the game.

[Valerie]

What's the plan? Available Friday, January 23rd wherever you get.

[Pete Holmes]

Your podcast, subscribe, recruit, discuss, organize and win. That's the Plan. Well, I'm enjoying who I am today. Very much so. I liked that very much and it made me feel seen because that is something.

[Valerie]

Okay, here's another mystery in our small town now that we're doing this True Crime podcast. So we have the mysteries are, how did the chicken die? Why were there dead butterflies all around the chicken and not wounded butterflies?

[Pete Holmes]

They were, like, dismembered.

[Valerie]

They were. No, they were not dismembered. They were fully formed butterflies. Monarch butterflies. Five of them. All around the chicken coop. But, like, in one area. What? And it's not an area that the dog can get to. It's, like, so mysterious.

[Pete Holmes]

See, I think most people are watching Traders. We're out in the yard going, five butterflies and a dead chicken.

[Valerie]

No, this is the life we chose.

[Pete Holmes]

I did a show. I know I did a show yesterday. And trait the show, Traders was brought up as, like, an area for us to all riff on. And I was like, there are still shows you can assume we're all watching. And one of them's Traders.

[Valerie]

Yeah, Everybody loves Traders. Oh, yeah, there's still. That still is. Really? The reality TV thing is very much alive. People are watching the Bachelorette. People are watching Love is Blind. Love Island. Like, it's happening. We just have never.

[Pete Holmes]

Love is Blind Island.

[Valerie]

Okay, so what is this? I'm showing you this picture of this mystery. Our friends live, like, pretty much in the sticks in Ojai, and they have this big front yard, and the other day, they looked out. They have kids, but I'm getting scared, right? It's spooky. It's spooky.

[Pete Holmes]

It is.

[Valerie]

It is.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, then you're having the desired effect. I felt like you were just. Forgive me. I thought you were telling the story badly, and I'm like, you're freaking me out. No, you want to freak me out.

[Valerie]

So the kids looked out into the yard, and they were like, what is that on the bush? And the mom looked out and was like, what? And they went out there, and you're.

[Pete Holmes]

About to show me the picture.

[Valerie]

I'm going to show you the picture, and you describe what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I'm looking. Oh. Oh, okay. I'm gonna say that this doesn't scare me.

[Valerie]

Okay, well. Freaks me out, because this is the thing that I was. I said the. The next.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a. It's a dismembered.

[Valerie]

Well, it's a doll. It's just a. Yeah, it's just a.

[Pete Holmes]

Doll'S head that's been stuck. It's a brunette or, like, an orangey brunette.

[Valerie]

Gorgeous eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

Great eyes. You know, it looks like maybe Barbie's sister. And it's been placed clearly human placed.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

On, like, one of the extending branches of the bush.

[Valerie]

Of the bush. And the hair looks like it's almost been like, singed. Like, the hair is what's freaking me out.

[Pete Holmes]

What?

[Valerie]

It's like, it's so tangled and insane that you're like, how did it get that way?

[Pete Holmes]

No, I don't know. Why?

[Valerie]

It looks intentional.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm gonna look. I love this. You're representing.

[Valerie]

And the face looks like. The face has been this. This cell has been, like, run over probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. That's what I'm saying. Like, this seems like something. Someone on a walk or something found, and it's clearly, you know, fell out of a car, got run over. That's why it's all messed up. Someone finds it.

[Valerie]

They knew that this house had kids. They probably assumed that it was.

[Pete Holmes]

No.

[Valerie]

Like, no.

[Pete Holmes]

They're just being random.

[Valerie]

Oh, they're being random.

[Pete Holmes]

They're just like, I don't know. I'm not saying I would do that, but maybe if you've had. Especially in your drinking days, you're walking home a little sloppy, and you find it.

[Valerie]

You're like, yes. I mean, I think that that probably is the most likely thing or that it is sort of a mentally unwell person is just, like, it makes some sense to some reality that they're living in. Like, to put it on this bush. I. I mean, I think that that is the more logical explanation than, like, what, that their family, the SW Family, is being some Somehow, like, targeted, and that was some sort of, like, threat.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

To the fan. Like, who. Like, who would be that maniacal? Who would go. Their house is not easy to get to.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

Like, who would travel and do, you know?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

So it's not. It's not that.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's a weird riff area, but.

[Valerie]

It is also just, like, the. The main area that I am exploring with this is like. It feels like lately there have been a lot of these mysteries, and I have to, like, just be like, it's so crazy that I'll never know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And it feels really wrong. Like, you're like, I have to know.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know. That is one of the feelings of life.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You're like, I just have to let this go. Like, I will never know. And maybe it's because it, like, the. That is a weird feeling because we have that about the whole nature of existence. Like, that's the big one.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You know, it's like. And we'll never know. We'll also never know why we're here or who we really are or what happens when you die. I mean, I guess sometimes. I guess we will figure that out, but probably not as ourselves.

[Pete Holmes]

So Yeah. I don't know if you'll be there.

[Valerie]

To be like, oh, that's what it is.

[Pete Holmes]

Sort of. I've riffed a lot on that. The letdown that you don't get to.

[Valerie]

But. And then that's the thing is, like, I'm sure if you don't get to, then it also doesn't matter. It's like just a feeling that we have on this plane in this reality.

[Pete Holmes]

We must know, okay, now you're really being me. But that's one of the great frustrations and has been coming up a lot in my life is like, the brain, the mind doesn't get to ever really be fully satisfied.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that stinks. And every teacher I've had, spiritual teacher I've had, has basically said that, yeah. It's like, you can be it. You can be this truth, so you can't experience it. But even when you, like, meditate, let's say, and you come back, your brain was like, that was nothing.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Well, that's.

[Pete Holmes]

It can say I was relaxed or I feel less stressed, but, like, it can't go like, but what was I. When I wasn't. When I wasn't there.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or when I was deeply asleep or when I was under anesthesia for a colonoscopy. Colonoscopy.

[Valerie]

But that's the thing is, like, it actually only matters to, like, yes, the. The mind will never be satisfied. But it only. That only bothers the mind.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I know.

[Valerie]

It's like, so you just don't have to identify with the mind. And I know you're not bothered by that.

[Pete Holmes]

That was the thing that I wanted to share, I think, last week. So this teacher I found, John Wheeler, who I adore, he's on YouTube.com.

[Valerie]

You hear me typing?

[Pete Holmes]

It's actually funny. Like, he retired from teaching, but he had, like, he did, like, eight podcasts with one guy and you can listen to all of them. And it's wonderful. But he makes this really interesting point where he's like, I've really been trying to unpack the comedy that we are what we're seeking. So the nature, like, and it's not even that. Woo. We can agree. I think that whatever your nature is, like, you being a part of all of this, if we want to use those terms, your fundamental nature is the same as everything's fundamental nature. Like being in a video game, you go like, I'm made of pixels. The whole thing's made of pixels. But if we could go deeper than pixels, you'd go like, I'm made of zeros or ones or whatever. Like, so you are having the experience of a piece of the mystery. So exploring your own nature, it's safe to say we'll give you an insight to the nature of the whole thing, whether or not you buy that. I'm not here to persuade that. I feel like that's true. So you are. What you're looking for is really funny.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're looking for it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you are it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you can ignore it. You can overlook it. And that's where so much bad behavior comes from, is forgetting what you essentially are and what essentially everyone is. So it's good to remember, but you are trying to remember something that is. Ramana Maharshi said, recognizing your true nature is easier than seeing a piece of fruit in your hand, because even that requires, like, eyes and a piece of fruit, and you have to look at.

[Valerie]

It and see inside of you.

[Pete Holmes]

This is, like, it's so here. It seems like it's not here.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It really is the epitome of do less, which we were talking about, too. Like, you get to a point with spiritual teachings, and this is probably even, like, what I think Ram Dass had the thing about, like, you leave the boat. You get in the boat, the boat takes you across the river, but then you, like, leave the boat behind.

[Pete Holmes]

I believe that's a Buddhist thing.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't care once the boat takes you where you need to go.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't carry the boat with you.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And it's like spiritual teachings get you to. It's like. Oh. And what's so crazy is that so many spiritual teachings sound really convoluted and intricate and detailed and hard to understand and highly intellectual and not easily accessible. And it's like, to get you to the most.

[Pete Holmes]

The most basic.

[Valerie]

It's so accessible. You are already doing it. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

You are.

[Pete Holmes]

Your question is made of it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And your doubt is made of it. Like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why. Another John Wheeler thing, he was like. You could say, like, do you deny that you are? And even if you did say, yes, I deny that I am.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That denial is disproving your thesis. Right. Because you are.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Coming from this place. No.

[Valerie]

Like, if you were, you wouldn't be able to deny it.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. And he made this really interesting point where he was like. The way I summarize, John Wheeler is like, stop it. You are that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just stop it. It's not. It's not an experience. No one has something. You don't have you are it. And then he made this really interesting point. He's like, when you ask questions to a teacher, so the question emerges in this field of awareness of this knowing that you are. The question is satiated. So you have the question, like holding in your awareness. The question is answered. So then you're satisfied and it just recedes back into the awareness. And then you're just back where you were before you had the question. Right. And when he said that, I was like, that really helped me understand, like, do less.

[Valerie]

Do less, just.

[Pete Holmes]

And I've been trying to do it. He goes, like, be present, you could say. And then he goes, and then lose the label present. It's like, how naked can you get?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, it's really pretty interesting to go, like, if I'm not thinking about whatever it is, what's wrong with it?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, it's easy to deal with this when it's trying to fall asleep and something's bothering you and just try and get smaller and smaller and smaller and you vanish. And you realize the vanish, the vanishing reveals this other fullness.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And, you know, I do think very much in my experience and what I've seen from even just teaching mindfulness is that you can't take someone who's just living out in the world, who's like, like, we have like, you know, like all of us, but who has never been exposed to any of this stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And say, like, are you having the experience of being.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, are you my father?

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

And your fruitcake.

[Valerie]

You know, and, and, and I. And I actually see you do this, and this isn't me correcting you, but, like, I've see you do this.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I might be in an embarrassing era of my life because I have. No, no, no. I say that to be funny because I have so many things and I do like sharing them. And then I'm like, I might look back and just be like, I don't know.

[Valerie]

Well, there's the. You know, recently the clip came out of you going through this with Rick Glassman. Is that name.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, Rick Glassman.

[Valerie]

So weird because I.

[Pete Holmes]

Sounds like an alias.

[Valerie]

I know. It really does.

[Pete Holmes]

Rick. It's Glassman.

[Valerie]

It's a name that I like, see written all the time. But that's the first time I think I've ever said the words.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like the first time you call somebody.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

On the phone.

[Valerie]

Exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, this is you on the phone. Okay. Or you hear their voicemail greeting.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a Lot of little milestones.

[Valerie]

Little milestones. But I. I loved that clip. But it is sort of like. And I don't know him. I don't know him. I really like him. I think he's so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

I like Rick. And he's very smart, but.

[Valerie]

He's very smart.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't. I think if he was here, I would say he doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about emptiness.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or the qualities of emptiness.

[Valerie]

Or maybe. I don't know if he meditates or whatever. But it was just a good example of, like, the first step a lot of people need is to just notice their. That they are thinking.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Because. And let's take Rick out of this. I don't know if that's what he needed. But, like. But what I run into is that people are so identified with their thoughts that even the suggestion that there's something else is. Is so beyond grasp. It's like, that's why we have the path, is that the first thing you do is just notice that you are thinking. And then that creates the tiniest little.

[Pete Holmes]

Gap between the observing and the contents.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And then. And so many people get. You know, can get stuck there. Not forever, but, like, that is. That's hard to do.

[Pete Holmes]

You're.

[Valerie]

So It's a paradigm shift.

[Pete Holmes]

And then what happens? And this is why spiritual teachers are. And I don't consider myself one, but because one of the things that makes them so precious is they'll go back and go. Like, it seems like maybe we need. That's called the progressive path. Like, yeah, instead of identifying with my thoughts, I'm going to watch my thoughts.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I want to watch my breath. It's all these activities for the watcher.

[Valerie]

To do so that then you can realize. You get so practiced in being the observer and, you know, like. But you can't even do it in one. You know, like, observe your thoughts. Okay, now you're the observer. Like, it's like you have to get really practiced in being the observer to then go, okay, now who are you? Are you the sky or are you the cloud?

[Pete Holmes]

Because. And then you get into things like what you are can't be coming and going. And your thoughts are coming and going. Even the thought I am Pete. Like, it just emerges and then it recedes. And if I was alone on an island, pretty quickly I'd stop being Pete. Like, Pete is just a label I give you to talk to me. So it's not essential to me. And then you get into, like, the third step. What is the Nature of this observing presence. It's my nature, and I'm in Buddhism and all these other things. They talk about ignorance. It's the ignorance, ignore. I'm ignoring my nature because I'm so. So John Wheeler. I've been doing this a lot lately. Is like suffering comes from believing a thought. And you're just like, oh, yeah, of.

[Valerie]

Course, of course, Obviously.

[Pete Holmes]

And I had a very practical example of this. I woke up. This is often. It's one of my most regular irregularities, which is like, when will Leela wake me up? And she woke me up. I'd love to say 5:30. But it was 6:30. But it was maybe 6:15 when she started waking me up, and it was still dark. And I had just been to bed late that last night. I'm only a little embarrassed that this is my example. But the point is, I was deep asleep and just had the feeling I need more sleep. So I woke up and I see how dark it is. I'm not really checking with my body. I'm just going, it's dark.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's a thought. It's dark.

[Valerie]

It's dark. It's still dark out.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I interpret that it's too early. And then like, so I'm going like, baby, but maybe just more sleep. And then I'm like, luckily I had the wherewithal to go like, wait, I'm believing a thought. I'm believing I'm a person who needs more sleep. And I'm really defending that idea. But then I went to my experience and I was like, if it was 11:30 and I felt exactly how I felt, and she was like, wake up. And I would wake up, see that it's 11:30, and be like, oh, my God, I got 12 hours of sleep. Let's go. Even if I felt exactly the same way. So it really gave me this insight in how I'm identifying, writing a story, then believing the thought, then defending the thought, but most importantly, suffering because of the thought. Because as soon as I was like, it's too early, just a thought, I started suffering, right? And as soon as I went, it's nothing. It's just right now, I know I can't always do that, but this morning I was. Had a great morning. It's just like, I feel fine. I even was like, I'll nap later. I gave my brain that. I was like, you can nap later. Didn't nap. Didn't need to nap. Had a great day. Plenty of sleep. Just. It was dark and I ran with it. It was A rope in the garage. I thought it was a snake.

[Valerie]

Like your brain is creating the reality based on.

[Pete Holmes]

Based on what has happened.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You have been tired when it was dark.

[Valerie]

What could happen?

[Pete Holmes]

What could happen?

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's. And that's its job. It's a. It's a dog barking at the door. And you're like, this is just the mailman, man. It comes every time. Like they come every.

[Pete Holmes]

And we have to be okay with that because I think maybe last week we were talking about how I caught myself having this feeling. I'm either abiding in my being. I'm either self identified, resting as myself, as the, you know, awareness and therefore good. You can hear this sort of Christianization or the moralization or. Or even not just Christianity, just like my early spirituality. It's my practice.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

My practice is that even in the midst of a conflict, I will recede into being. And that's why John Wheeler has been so essential. And Rupert says this too. Sometimes somebody comes in and says it a new way and you know what I'm saying? I was just like, wait, I've turned this into a practice like a diet. If I get angry, as I do, I get upset. Like, the example I always use is the gate was closing on the car and I just, I couldn't believe the gate didn't have a sensor. And just like, ah, just like mad at like nine things. How could this gate not have a sensor? Our car's about to get messed up. Our gate's about to get messed up. All this stuff. Yeah, gate issues. And then the wine was warm. I need to check myself after I wrecked myself. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Apollo Neuro. You've probably seen me wearing my Apollo Neuro in hundreds of episodes of this podcast. Always on my wrist, sometimes now on my ankle, sometimes now. I clipped my shirt. What is an Apollo Neuro? It is not a tracker. It is a wearable that sends gentle vibrations to help support your nervous system by speaking to it in a language it can understand, which is touch. You can wear it on your wrist or your ankle. It's silent, makes no noise. You don't have to do anything. There's no breathing technique. No. Clear your mind. Apollo works through your sense of touch with specific vibration patterns designed to signal safety or activation to your body. That means you can get calm on demand, focus on demand. Energy, sleep. Depending on the vibe, if you want to wind down at night, you put it on, unwind, relax, and it lulls your body into this wonderful Digital hug. Essentially. What's cool is it comes with the smart vibes AI in the app, so it adapts over time based on how and when you use it. You don't even have to manage it. Apollo adjusts with you. It's like having a nervous system coach built right into the device. I've noticed a huge difference with my stress management and a huge one with my sleep, which is chemical free and a really nice way to fall and stay asleep at night. So if you want to support your stress and sleep instead of just tracking it, Apollo is worth trying. They even offer a money back guarantee so you can see how your body responds. You got nothing to lose. Comment Apollo to get $99 off.

[Valerie]

Hey, I'm Rachel Banner. And I'm Arie McDonald. And welcome to Arian Rachel Unfiltered at Unrivaled, a show where we give you all you need to know from Unrivaled and more. This season. We're talking to some of the best athletes. I'm trying to watch my language. You good be you. It's Unfiltered. That's what we're here for. And coaches in women's basketball like Paige Beckers and Leroux. Hey, it's Paige. Hi, it's Lee. And celebrity Unrivaled fans about games news. All for the fans to learn more about our journey and the folks who make Unrivaled the great league it is. I'm super unfiltered. Aerie's gonna be super unfiltered because I'm going to force her to be. We'll also be talking to you and answering your questions. So tune in every Thursday and find us on social and all your favorite podcast platforms.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying I get angry at much more frivolous stuff.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I still go. I was out. And I. Well, I. Well, I put, I, I chat. GPT was involved. I was talking.

[Valerie]

Yeah, it's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't use it a lot. Please don't be mad. I just, I was like in the voice of these teachers. Could you address this question? Because I just really wanted to talk to one of those teachers. And chatgpt is pretty good at that sort of thing. Very good at that sort of thing. And it summarized it beautifully. And it was like awareness doesn't prefer a certain state.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't prefer peacefulness over, like, irritation.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We think a calm person. Because a calm person does reflect the nature. Our true nature is, for lack of a better word, calm. Or it's peaceful or it's fulfilled. So we understand that a person can look calm, peaceful, and fulfilled. And then we kind of equate those things. But then we. I get caught up and go, well, if you are angry or irritated or afraid or hungry or horny or anything, you've lost it and you've broken your diet. You had cake. You. You broke the rule, and now you're out. And it was just like, what is aware of the frustration? Where could it go? It's like. I mean, you could make a million metaphors, but, like, you are that, and Pete is unfolding, and Pete is a human person. This is Richard Rohr. It's like, accept that you're accepted. You're not in when you're cool and calm. That's people, by the way. People will think you're in when you're cool and calm and out if you're being an asshole or angry. But awareness isn't, you know, a party filled with people. It's allowing as it's happening, it's giving this unequivocal yes to the whole experience. And I'm just trying to see myself more as a naturally unfolding series of predetermined responses. That's not to take away responsibility. Sure, I'm engaged, but I'm like, this is how water flows down this shape of rocks, right? And sometimes I'm angry. And when I'm angry, I am as much I am as I could be. I am just. I am that. And there's. There's an appearance of a guy calling someone a mingy twat.

[Valerie]

Well, it goes back. I mean, it is about story over and over. This is the feel. It's, It's. It's believing the thought. So the. Your example is the, you know, thought, I'm tired.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm an angry person. I'm a bad person. I'm not a spiritual person making a.

[Valerie]

Whole story about an emotion that is just a sensation moving through you.

[Pete Holmes]

And the thing that it Is that the only thing that there is.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Creates out of itself the thought. I lost it.

[Valerie]

Yeah, exactly.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like writing in water. I'm dry.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like.

[Valerie]

It's.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a joke. Yeah, I'm using the mechanism of the. The whole fucking thing to be like, I stepped out of it for a second, guys.

[Valerie]

And that's the. That is another gift that prac. Like just simplifying it to practicing being the observer gives. Which is an observer doesn't. The. The observer doesn't care. Like you said, awareness doesn't have a preference and the observer can even delight in the whole thing being like, wow, I just, like, really got caught up in that story.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Like, there. That story overtook me. And like. And what if there's no problem here? Like, what if you get caught up for the rest of your life? What if there's actually no progress in that area in the way that you're imagining it? There's no problem.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

It's fine.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's why I. I'm not even close to being qualified to summarize the Bhagavad Gita. But there's a real, like, Arjuna, the soldier is like, I'm a realized being. I know who I am. I'm you. I'm God. I'm Krishna. I'm not going to kill anybody. And Krishna's like, no, you are. You're a soldier. This is a war. You're going to go kill your brothers. It's like a war against family. It's like inner family conflict.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's like, no, that's what this is.

[Valerie]

This is. You're doing that role. You're playing that role.

[Pete Holmes]

I think the reason why that text resonates is because it uses a very extreme example. So you can't be like, well, that's not about me. It's like, it's. It's life and death. It's what you're doing and I'm not. Look, I get a little sweaty when it comes to, like, ethics, because I think we should behave ethically. I think we should treat each other like we belong to each other. Of course. But I think the reason it uses that expression, extreme example is to be like. It's both. It's like, Pete, I had this line in my own book, I mean, speaking of the Bugavad Gita, I mean, class six. But I was like, pete's not enlightened, but I am. And I was like, that's true. Nobody is enlightened. No person is enlightened. And no enlightened person has. I know I'm contradicting myself. I'm saying, has anything you don't have. The whole thing is just one cake.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's a joke that parts of the cake are arguing if other parts of the cake have cake and how they could give this cake cake. Could this cake be cake? And the cakes, parts that know their cake are going, you are cake. And they go, what? And to your point, they have to go, okay, can you remember a time in your life when you weren't cake? And it's like, oh, and we go on retreats where we're cake and we read books that remind us we're cake. There really is something deeply funny about the whole thing. And I'm saying this as somebody. As a piece of cake who spends most of his time trying to remember and abide as cake.

[Valerie]

Absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

And now I'm going accept. You're accepted. Prodigal son was the son. Was the man's son the whole time.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Even when he was with the pigs. There's nothing. You can't be more or less the man's son and just go, even. And what great news. Even if I'm, like, depressed and angry and bitter and awful. Your cake.

[Valerie]

Your cake. And the thing that will help you remember that your cake is full love and acceptance for whatever is happening right now.

[Pete Holmes]

It comes all comes back to Valerie.

[Valerie]

What do you mean?

[Pete Holmes]

You're just such a good. You're really beautiful, spiritual emotional genius, as I always say. But it's like you're doing. I have the privilege of being, like, a guy with a lot of books about cake. And then I live with somebody that's just kind of like, I've been telling you you're not. Your thoughts. I've been telling you to. What was it? I was like, oh, like an angry feeling doesn't change my identity any more than a cloud in the sky. And you were like, yeah, it's all about watching your thoughts.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, God damn it.

[Valerie]

And letting their feelings move through you. Like, letting your. Not getting caught up in the content is what my therapist would say. Like, it doesn't matter. Whatever story is of, like, why you feel that way or what it means about who you are that you feel that way. That's all made up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's. That's literally like you're writing fiction.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

It doesn't matter.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

It's just something that is here in this moment, and then the next moment.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie]

Is a whole new moment.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I told the story. I made a joke today at coffee, and somebody who I like a lot did the, like, a badoom, boom kind of thing, which is my. We've talked about this. I find that to be unsafe. I was gonna say unacceptable, but really, I find it to be unsafe. I go. I find it very threatening to who I am. I'm a person who likes to make jokes. I want everyone to make jokes. I want to be safe. That's not safe. And then I was like, oh, even here I'm believing a thought. I am Pete I'm a comedian. I deserve a safe haven to make jokes.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And really, if you go deeper, it's like, I'm making a joke. You're lucky I'm making a joke.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

All you should say is, thank you. I'm defending. This is burning Man. That's why they burn the man.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm defending this. This. What is it called? You know, when they. Effigy.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm burn. I'm erecting an effigy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I spend all of my time and energy defending it when really, it's just. It's a memory of things that aren't here that I kind of vaguely remember and often remember wrong. It's feelings that aren't there anymore. It's things that aren't there anymore. And I make it into a thing that I'm like, this is real. And I roll it behind me on a little platform and people insult it. And I go, you can't do that to him.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a comedy to it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It is funny. Anytime we take anything seriously, it actually is very funny.

[Pete Holmes]

It is.

[Valerie]

And I. And I know there are serious things and there's serious injustices and all of that, but, like, zooming out even one degree, you're like, but we're getting all worked up. We're getting all worked up.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Look at how we love to get all worked up. And then that person gets worked up and they do something that makes us all worked up.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's like, I loved it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's funny now. It's a different kind of cake. But I was, like, eating the. The sweetness of having been wronged.

[Valerie]

Yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, this is kind of the whole thing. This is, like, competition, and it's such a story status.

[Valerie]

But that's the thing is you're, you know, like, you'll say that, like, somebody does that, but I'm sure. And that'll. That's happened to you before.

[Pete Holmes]

It is one of my favorites.

[Valerie]

And it's understandably upsetting to you based on the story that you're telling yourself about that. Totally understandable. And I can see that that person's story is probably.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Valerie]

Hey, how do I talk to a comedian? Probably that, like, how can I be cool? How can I commit? Like, show to Pete to them.

[Pete Holmes]

That is a joke, buddy. Yeah, that is a joke.

[Valerie]

They're trying to make a jo. They're riff that.

[Pete Holmes]

They think they're ripped. They think they're riffing. My new pamphlet, I hand out to people Called. You think you're riffing Here, Read this. Next time we hang out, just have read this.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's absolutely true.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And what I tried to do and I. And I don't want to say succeeded but like what was present for me even as when it happened was like this awareness of like. I'm aware of this feeling that I need to like defend myself somehow and make myself safe. I'm the that that we are hasn't been compromised. I wasn't kicked out of the wedding banquet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

For having a like a real, you know, 9 volt battery kind of swell of a feeling of like, no, you can't. And I was like. Was I present during that? Was there a sense of being there? Was there a gap? Yeah, there's no gaps.

[Valerie]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

That's kind of.

[Valerie]

There's no gaps.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no gaps.

[Valerie]

It wasn't gone. It's not coming and going.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's not. Your treadmill synopsis. Here's where you were going uphill. Here's where you kind of were slowing down. It's not, it's not.

[Valerie]

There's no report card.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no report card.

[Valerie]

There's really no report card. Like that's the thing I want you to hear.

[Pete Holmes]

And the brain can't handle that.

[Valerie]

It can't.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't even like it.

[Valerie]

No. Well, this is why Christianity is the most popular religion in this country.

[Pete Holmes]

We need to be atoned because we. And you're not atoned.

[Valerie]

And it is.

[Pete Holmes]

The greatest part about being atoned is looking at the people who are on its own. I'll say as a.

[Valerie]

Formerly, we were just talking about Friends and I were just talking about the public school system and like the testing and the like grading. And it's all this. And it's. It very. It's. It's very much western to be like, you have to have this goal that I've given you. Somebody else has given you this goal. And I will track your progress to see if you are good or bad. And. And in achieving this goal that you inherited, that isn't even your goal.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And that is so western. And then it. That Christianity and religion can get so caught up in that same game and so can these other alternative spiritualities. Like. Because our brain.

[Pete Holmes]

Even non Duality. Of course.

[Valerie]

Yeah. And our brain want this.

[Pete Holmes]

The brain anything.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it'll turn it into a way.

[Valerie]

To perpetuate because it's trying to keep itself separate.

[Pete Holmes]

So.

[Valerie]

And the way to do that is to keep it on top and Be.

[Pete Holmes]

Special as an offended person. I'm a special person.

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I kind of couldn't wait to tell you. I was pretty proud.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But you ever get that feeling? You're like, what if just this once, I didn't do it? Like, what if I didn't indulge? I know we're talking about it now, but, like, I really wanted to be, like, it's that both your hands are up. Like, don't get me started.

[Valerie]

Yeah, yeah, like that.

[Pete Holmes]

We love that. Like, oh, don't get me started. Like, I remember the first time I heard my brother say, don't get me started. He was probably, like, 15, and it was like, you have a. Don't get me started.

[Valerie]

Don't get me started. Like, you have something you could go on and on about.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

You have that many thoughts and, like, opinion.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, I have. No, don't get me. Maybe.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

How cool is Mom? But, like, other than that, don't get me started. Don't get me started on Mom.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's great. We should call her.

[Pete Holmes]

That's why I relate to Buster. I do.

[Valerie]

Your baby Buster. Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Can I talk to you right now? I'm just kidding. Yeah, no, it's true. But we want. We want the don't get me started. And that's. It was so tempting and delicious and nothing wrong with it. So I'm trying. I. I am sort of having my cake and eating it, too. We are talking about it, and I feel in touch with my thatness, for lack of a better.

[Valerie]

Yes. And you know what I'm about to.

[Pete Holmes]

Say, because I can't be out of touch with it.

[Valerie]

Yes, you can't be out of touch with it. There's no problem here. You're not making any sort of mistakes. And, like, we are here. Let's do the dang thing. This is what I love to say. We're here. We're human beings in this realm. Like, let's just live it and feel what it feels like to be a human being. And sometimes you're a petty little.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, I know.

[Valerie]

And I'm not. Again, there's. And there's morals. And we should be trying to, I would say, live the most aligned that we can be. Which when we are feeling aligned, we aren't being cruel to each other. We aren't putting our needs. We're not, you know, taking care of our needs at the expense of everyone else. You know, like, you just are going to do that stuff already when you're when you're really in line with your. With your center. So, like, it's. Again, it's more about stripping away. It's stripping away the, like, badness and the shame. Everything, every cruel act comes from shame. I think. I think everybody who is being awful, it's because they have not gotten right with themselves.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And once they did, if once they do, they won't have the desire to be cruel to others.

[Pete Holmes]

That's. I'm not trying to be funny. I think that's why that boy need Jesus is sort of, like, correct.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? I know it's not really for me to say. It's a. For an older black woman to say, but, like, oh, my gosh, that boy need Jesus. There is something like, they need to forgive themselves.

[Valerie]

Absolutely. There's. So this is like a cute. A quick little story about my papa. One of my favorite people. RIP he had rest in Putin. Rest in Putin. He. When he was a kid, his mom was a Christian and went to church, but his dad wasn't. And one time, she. She was always trying to get him to go to church. And he always brings up that there was, like, some sort of, like, serial killer on the loose this time, like, in Texas, where he was growing up. And so she went to church one day and then came home and, like, pulled around the back so they didn't see and then went under. They were sitting on the porch, and she went under the porch and said, you better get right with the Lord.

[Pete Holmes]

I. This is Nani.

[Valerie]

No, not. Not my grandma. My. My grandpa's.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, it was his story.

[Valerie]

It was his story. So he's a kid on the porch with his dad, and his mom is secretly under the porch going, you better get right with the Lord. And he, as a kid, instantly thought of. I think it was called, like, the Phantom killer and thought that it said, you better get out of this yard. And he just, like, bolted.

[Pete Holmes]

This is the most Texas tea I've ever like.

[Valerie]

That is really good story. It's a good story. But, yeah, you better get right with the Lord. And I would say our version of that is like, get right with yourself. Forgive yourself. Connect with yourself. Know, you know, like, be loving to all of your parts. And then the rest kind of falls into place. Now, can I do this all the time? No.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

And you're kind to say, like, you live with Valerie, and Valerie's always telling you this and blah, blah, but, like, I'm struggling with it, too. But even the struggle, I love, like, I'm Trying to love the struggle and. Yeah, no, I know that's part of the game. We're just do. We're doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that was another. It's like I have to read my own book. But the good episode thing, it's like when you're behaving and feeling certain ways, it's like Joe Derosa, one of. I love Joe.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he gets so weird and, you know, I get angry or I'll get strange or whatever it might be.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I have an ability with him to just be like, it's Joe. It would. It would bum me out if Joe was wearing linen pants and was just like.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You're like. You're just.

[Pete Holmes]

That's all awareness homes, you know?

[Valerie]

Yeah. We don't need that.

[Pete Holmes]

I like him. I like him and I like. I like Pat Walsh and I like Rob, and I like all these people and I like them and I like. Obviously, I like you being you, and I don't want us all to walk around in slippers. And spiritual culture is actually. It's one of my least favorites.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Crystal necklace, open, flowing shirt, and, like, lots of eye contact.

[Valerie]

I know. Rum. Rum. I'm not making fun of it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no, no.

[Valerie]

It is great.

[Pete Holmes]

We love that community. It is a little weird that people say Ram. Ram to you. That it can be both.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to live in an awareness that doesn't allow me to say. When we first got to the Ram Daz community and people would say ram, Ram, my first thought was, I don't think I'll ever be doing that.

[Valerie]

Yes. I don't think I'll be able to.

[Pete Holmes]

That's so Pete.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pete would never take on a greeting.

[Valerie]

No, no.

[Pete Holmes]

If there was a cult documentary and I was in the cult, like, they'd be like. And of course, when we greeted, we put up two fingers and said to the leader. To the leader. And it would cut to me and be like, I didn't do that. I was here for the drugs. I was here for the drugs and the sex.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was great to have sex.

[Valerie]

It got weird as soon as they.

[Pete Holmes]

Were like, and now let's do the post coital chant. I was back in my room.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I had an iPad.

[Valerie]

Going back to what you're saying about, like, we want the Joes and we want everybody to be. This is what I. I was saying to you this morning because you told me, it's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

We'll see Russell coming up.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You have an appointment with Russell.

[Valerie]

You have an appointment with Russell, you were telling me that you were with this, you know, parent who you had just met, and you told them, this is good. You told, you, you tell the story.

[Pete Holmes]

This is good. I like going out every once in a while with another parent from, from the school. We're at the playground, just a play.

[Valerie]

Date and like, we just went to.

[Pete Holmes]

Parlayed into pizza and there's, there's no notes for this person. It was a great hang. I loved it. But the thing that we're laughing about is all this awareness talk and all of this, like, it's not real. It's just a. It's a straw man that I defend. Yeah, I, we were talking about, every once in a while I'll meet somebody that doesn't know I'm a comedian. And I go, oh, I'm a comedian. I. And I always want to be like, the joke I always want to make is, I'm a world famous comedian because it's funny because they don't know who you are. Yeah, well, I'm a world famous comedian. So I say, I'm a comedian. And he's like, oh, how long have you been.

[Valerie]

Well, he's first said, you make your living doing that?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, he didn't say it like that, but he was sort of like. He reverted me back to the first five, 10 years of comedy. Ten is a lot of people just going, fuck off. Like, yeah, what do you do?

[Valerie]

But what do you really do?

[Pete Holmes]

What do you do?

[Valerie]

How do you make money?

[Pete Holmes]

What do you really do?

[Valerie]

Which he didn't mean.

[Pete Holmes]

He didn't mean it that way. I don't think he meant it that way. This guy is clean. There's no laughing at this guy. I just went, yeah. And I. And they go, wow. And I'm like, I know, it's amazing. It helps me get in touch with that base gratitude that I should never lose touch with my. My dream. It happened. It's amazing. And then I'm really just trying to be ordinary about it. I'm like, yeah, I started in 2000. Yeah, around there. It was actually. Yeah, we'll call it 2000. And then in 2004, I started getting paid for it and never got another job. Yeah, I was a waiter and then I never got another job. I just did comedy, which is incredible. And I tried to do the math and I went, so, 2004? Yeah, it's. It's been 12 years. I said it had been 12, 12 years. And then I said, I wish we had filmed this, because I went, that seems low. And he went, still. That's a long time.

[Valerie]

Oh, my God. Checking the math.

[Pete Holmes]

So he also blew the math. We were with our kids, we're being parents. So he didn't catch the error. He just thought it was 12 years. And I am again just accepting this. This is just how the water travels down my shape of rocks. I couldn't stop thinking about how I blew it. It's been 22 years. It was. Or 23 years. Yeah, it's been. Whatever it is. Should we do the math? It's.

[Valerie]

It's been 22 years.

[Pete Holmes]

2004.

[Valerie]

Yeah. 22 years.

[Pete Holmes]

22 years.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I said 12. I was off by a decade.

[Valerie]

Yeah, you were.

[Pete Holmes]

You.

[Valerie]

You have. You have. Did have to.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I have to. And I was just like. I just really felt frustrated and dumb.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That I met this guy who I really liked and I said I had been doing comedy for 12 years and I was like, 22 years.

[Valerie]

I think I really want him to.

[Pete Holmes]

Know, with all respect to 12, 12, now that. Now that I've been 22, 12 is still kind of like. You're still kind of seeing how it's going.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

22 is. You're like, I've been doing it.

[Valerie]

Yes. This is what I do.

[Pete Holmes]

This is what I do.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

12. Is he here?

[Valerie]

No, I thought he was.

[Pete Holmes]

12 is still. Yeah. Can I tell you the other thing.

[Valerie]

Too, which is so funny?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, this was. This is unrelated. That. That These are just like a couple petty stories to close us out. Because it's so fun to see Pete being so Pete and being aware what I'm saying. Yeah.

[Valerie]

I. That just to.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

That's why I love it. I wouldn't change. That's why it's so easy for me to be like, don't be so hard on yourself. These are the things I love about you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

Like, it's fun to live with somebody.

[Pete Holmes]

Accept that you're accepted. Except that you're accepted. And even when you, you know, you broke somebody's heart in high school. School or whatever. You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Yeah. We all did.

[Pete Holmes]

We've all done things and you're in it.

[Valerie]

We're intricate.

[Pete Holmes]

Do the damn thing. Yes.

[Valerie]

Just do it. Isn't it interesting to be a human being?

[Pete Holmes]

The other one that I love that I told you that. I just was like, oh, maybe that's a bit. Because the way you laughed, I was like, maybe it's a bit. It's just crazy how we're making reality. We're projecting what we expect to see based on what's happened.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So I'm. I did make some noise again. It's the show on Dropout that I really enjoy. And this time I was with Lisa Gilroy and Pauv Tompkins, and it was so fun. And Sam Reich, and we're getting our makeup done. And I very me talk about me being me. I float the idea within 30 seconds of meeting my makeup artist, who I just. He just meant. He said something about being self realized, like self realization. And I was like, all right, we only have a couple minutes.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I was like, I think the way people look at ChatGPT says a lot about their parents and says a lot about their view of God. And I think sort of unrelated to that, one of the reasons we go so quickly to it's going to kill us is because. No agenda here.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's because we feel an unconscious and an enormous level of unconscious guilt on how we treat animals. I'm not. This isn't a vegan agenda. I've been way more vegetarian the past blah, blah years. We're sitting on leather chairs. I am complicit. I'm also not out there stopping it. Even if I'm not eating meat. Not stopping it. And unequivocally, we're fucking up animals. Like, we're do. We're doing it.

[Valerie]

Yeah. It's messing up.

[Pete Holmes]

We're doing it. And I think we carry a tab on that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we go, surely something's going to come and fuck us up, because violence begets violence. And we're just kind of like it. It sort of makes sense as a story that something more intelligent will come and devour us and we'll kind of be like, you know what? Fair?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean?

[Valerie]

Yeah. Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, we'll be the chick fil. A billboard.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Eat more cows, you know, or whatever.

[Valerie]

We have top of the food chain guilt.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't think that's actually what's gonna happen. I just think it's because we have this guilt. So we're talking about that. Then somebody says, lisa Gilroy says, how long have you been vegetarian? And I'm just like, oh, blah, blah, blah. We're talking about vegetarian and we're talking about veganism. Who cares? Like, five minutes go by. I leave the makeup room. A young lady, one of the producers, comes up to me and says, this is what she says. She says, when are you going to put on your shoes? What I heard her say, and what I answered, what I responded to was, how long have you been a vegetarian? I was like, it wasn't even close.

[Valerie]

So you said.

[Pete Holmes]

She said, when are you gonna put on your shoes? And I was like, I don't know. I mean, for a while I was vegan. And then like the past few years after you have a kid, I just started eating her pizza and, like, being a lot more relaxed. And she's like, what? And I'm like, I'm sorry, what? She goes, when are you gonna put on your shoes? I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll do it now. Just going around seeing the world.

[Valerie]

That's really taking my world advice of answer the question that you wish someone asked you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie]

Too far.

[Pete Holmes]

And you know what? That's. I think this. But he's not here. This podcast is a weekly reminder and a celebration of just like, I'm okay. You're okay. Yeah, it's okay.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Do the damn thing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Ultimate reality. You are already the fulfilled, eternal, boundless, unborn undying awareness.

[Valerie]

So just enjoy the messiness of it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's fair to assume that you can call this the dream, the dance, the play. You could just call it reality. It's happening. Okay. It's happening. I don't think it's a mistake. Yeah, let's do it. That's why one of the main features of our relationship is to be able to be like, I'm just being a Christmas right now.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when you're like, I'm being kind of like an right now. I'm just like, okay.

[Valerie]

Yeah, okay. Just playing it. Just playing it, playing it. Keep it crispy. Want to listen to your favorite Lemonada shows without the ads? Subscribe to Lemonada Premium on Apple Podcasts. You'll get ad free episodes and exclusive bonus content from shows like Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis Dreyfus, Fail Better with David Duchovny, the Sarah Silverman podcast, and so many more. It's a great way to support the work we do and treat yourself to a smoother, uninterrupted listening experience. Just head to any Lemonada show, feed on Apple Podcasts, and hit subscribe. Make life suck less with fewer ads with Lemonada Premium. Are you looking for ways to make your everyday life happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative? I'm Gretchen Rubin, the number one best selling author of the Happiness Project, bringing you fresh insights and practical solutions in the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast. My co host and happiness guinea pig is my sister, Elizabeth Craft.

[Pete Holmes]

That's me.

[Valerie]

Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer in Hollywood, would join us as we explore ideas and hacks about cultivating happiness and good habits. Check out Happier with Gretchen Rubin from Lemonada Media.