We Made It Weird #88

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes: We Made It Weird #88

Release Date: May 27, 2022
Host: Pete Holmes
Co-Host: Valerie (Val)

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Episode Overview

In this relaxed, conversational episode of "We Made It Weird," Pete Holmes and his wife Val bring listeners into their everyday lives, delving into secret weirdness, health anxieties, making big life changes, and embracing vulnerability. The episode contains some fun digressions, stories about doctor visits, musings on mental health (specifically ADHD), and culminates in the joyful — though complicated — announcement that they’ve bought their dream house in Ojai. The tone is both comedic and candid, offering an authentic glimpse of their partnership and the emotional complexities around growth and abundance.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Casual Vibe and "Upper Holes" Comedy

• The episode is intentionally chill and unstructured:
  • "It's going to be one of these ones. It's a little bit chill. It's okay." – Pete, [08:14]
• The couple riff about doctor visits and the peculiarities of human anatomy, particularly their experiences with ear, nose, and throat doctors (ENTs).
• Pete inventively discusses the universality of certain medical specialists:
  • “Everybody goes to the same butt doctor. Isn't that kind of a nice feeling?” – Pete, [12:15]
• Light-hearted thoughts on the shared vulnerability of medical visits become a recurring bit, as does the playful phrase "upper holes" ([14:36]).

2. Health Anxiety, Cost of Care, and Trusting Intuition

• Pete and Val detail a mutual, ongoing dialogue about health, doctor’s visits, and financial frustrations:
  • Pete describes a severe earache and being “furious” at how expensive a doctor’s appointment is, even with insurance ([15:16]).
  • The conversation also covers a recurring fear that visiting a doctor will result in “being found out” as a hypochondriac.
  • Despite this, Val shares that trusting her intuition paid off when she finally did visit the doctor for a sore throat, resulting in an important sinus infection diagnosis ([20:01]).
  • Notable moment:
    • “I have this fear always that I'm gonna go to the doctor and the doctor's gonna be like, it's ridiculous that you're here. ...And it was the opposite of that, where she was like, I'm so glad that you came in because this was just gonna get worse and it wouldn't have fixed itself. ...And I just did the thing without waiting, like I usually would have.” – Val, [20:29–21:02]

3. Gut Health, Dental Health, and 'Pantry Brain'

• The episode breezes into digestive and dental health routines, with typical self-deprecating humor:
  • “I'm now talking about gut health. But I'm just saying, don't you kind of feel weird? Like if someone starts telling you their gut health regimen, don't you kind of start smelling their farts?” – Pete, [21:49]
• Pete admits he hasn’t been to the dentist in eight years, with Val expressing shock and sharing her own approach to dental appointments ([25:22–26:57]).
• The couple compare their ways of organizing home life, touching on how Pete wants everything visible (“pantry living”), while Val favors tidy organization (“Crate and Barrel” aesthetic):
  • “You want to live in a pantry. ...You want to live in a grocery store. You want to live in a Costco.” – Val, [32:16]
  • “I want to live like, I want to sit on a crate and have flosspicks on a barrel. Can. You want to live in a Crate and Barrel? Yeah, I just want some crates and some barrels.” – Pete, [33:07]

4. Mental Health & Neurotype: Living with 'Pantry Brain' and ADHD Musings

• Pete describes his mind as a “boardroom” or “pantry brain,” where tasks are like employees in a room — when planning or future projection is required, employees leave, making him feel less calm ([34:50–36:38]).
• Val describes needing control through physical tidiness so she can fully relax, whereas Pete needs mental clarity and everything out in the open ([37:37–38:36]).
• The conversation speculates if Pete has ADHD and highlights contemporary understanding of neurodiversity:
  • “It’s not a deficiency. It's not a flaw. It's like, your specific brain works this way, and it has this unique set of pros and cons and other brains work this way.” – Pete, [42:16]

5. Parenting & Emotional Tolerance

• A memorable metaphor is drawn from Liam Neeson’s "They’re going to take you" line from Taken, relating it to the inevitability of pain for children and the promise parents offer:
  • “You’re gonna suffer…That's parenting. …[My goal is] I will find you and I have a very specific set of parenting skills. And I will sit with you and listen to you.” – Pete, [43:02–43:46]
• Discussion about teaching their daughter Leela emotional resilience, modeling better “distress tolerance” — both for themselves and her ([61:40–62:27]).

6. The Big News: Buying Their Dream House (Ojai House)

• After years of searching, Pete and Val found and secured their dream house in Ojai ([44:17], [44:28]):
  • “We got our dream house, guys...We've been looking in Ojai for a very long time, over two years.” – Pete, [44:28, 45:01]
• They reflect on the emotional complexity—feeling joyful but unworthy, experiencing imposter syndrome, and wrestling with privilege.
  • “I was shocked that even at this point in my life ...I still had this feeling of, like, oh, they're gonna kick me out. Someone's gonna tell on me. I don't belong here.” – Pete, [50:44]
• The couple discuss normalizing mixed feelings around success and abundance, referencing “Man in the Mirror” and the urge to balance privilege with generosity ([52:51–53:35]).
• Insightful reflection by Val on allowing oneself to experience happiness, even with its impermanence:
  • "It's a surprising amount of people don't have the courage to actually be happy because they know that the happiness will just, like, everything will go away...so we often talk about aversion to uncomfortable feelings, aversion to our pain. But in Buddhism, suffering comes from aversion and clinging." – Val, [56:59–57:40]

7. On Change, Anxiety, and Courage

• They discuss the inherent fear in making big changes, courage necessary to accept happiness, and the importance of talking about distress honestly in real time ([66:36–67:19]).
• Pete shares vulnerabilities about being able to actually enjoy the new house and handling the big commute ([69:06–71:55]).
  • “Boy, oh, boy. I do have a poem, actually.” – Pete, [74:59]

8. Closing with Mary Oliver’s "I Worried"

• Pete reads "I Worried" by Mary Oliver, which is also posted in their home, as a meditation on letting go of worries and choosing life and presence ([75:03–76:18]).
  • "Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing and gave it up and took my old body and went out into the morning and sang." – Mary Oliver, read by Pete [75:21–76:18]
• They conclude with their catchphrase: “Keep it crispy.” ([77:20])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Everybody goes to the same butt doctor. Isn't that kind of a nice feeling?" – Pete, [12:15]
• “I trusted my intuition ...and I was rewarded by antibiotics that she said, quote, are very…gut unfriendly.” – Val, [20:29–21:26]
• “If someone starts telling you their gut health regimen, don't you kind of start smelling their farts?” – Pete, [21:49]
• “You want to live in a pantry. ...You want to live in a Costco.” – Val, [32:16]
• "My brain is like a boardroom. ...All 10 [businesspeople] are in the room and when they're all together and I'm sort of the disembodied awareness that's looking at them. So I'm like the 11th thing in the room. ...Small tasks keep popping up, people ask me to project..., my business people just keep dispersing." – Pete, [34:50–36:38]
• "It’s not a deficiency. It's not a flaw. It's like, your specific brain works this way..." – Pete, [42:16]
• “You’re gonna suffer…That's parenting. …[My goal is] I will find you and I have a very specific set of parenting skills. And I will sit with you and listen to you.” – Pete, [43:02–43:46]
• “We got our dream house, guys...We've been looking in Ojai for a very long time, over two years.” – Pete, [44:28, 45:01]
• "Oh, they're gonna kick me out. Someone's gonna tell on me. I don't belong here." – Pete, [50:44]
• "It's a surprising amount of people don't have the courage to actually be happy because they know that the happiness will just, like, everything will go away." – Val, [56:59]
• “Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing and gave it up and took my old body and went out into the morning and sang.” – Mary Oliver (read by Pete), [75:21–76:18]
• “And don't forget, keep it crispy. I can't hear your wink.” – Pete, [77:20]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [08:14] – Start of main, laid-back conversation
• [09:01-13:55] – “Upper holes” doctor humor, Welcome Back Kotter confusion
• [15:16-21:02] – Health anxiety, doctor visit costs, trusting intuition pays off
• [21:49-23:40] – Gut health and dental health riff
• [34:50-36:38] – "Pantry brain," boardroom metaphor for attention management
• [42:16] – Neurotypes, ADHD, and self-acceptance
• [43:02-43:46] – Parenting and emotional support, “I will find you” metaphor
• [44:17-45:41] – Announcement: finding their dream house in Ojai
• [50:44-53:35] – Wrestling with imposter syndrome and privilege
• [56:59-57:40] – On the courage to be happy and Buddhist wisdom
• [69:06-71:55] – Vulnerability about change, anticipation of new commute, parenthood's impact
• [75:03-76:18] – "I Worried" by Mary Oliver, reflection on worry and presence
• [77:20] – Episode closing: “Keep it crispy.”

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Overall Tone

• Warm, comedic, candid, and philosophical
• Will appeal to listeners who enjoy conversational storytelling, self-aware humor, honest takes on mental health, and real-time personal growth

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TL;DR for New Listeners

This episode is a joyful, intimate journey through Pete and Val’s shared neuroses, life decisions, and quirks, culminating in the big news of buying a home in Ojai. They explore topics ranging from bodily weirdness to neurotype, the cost of healthcare, emotional resilience, and the “courage to be happy”—peppered with signature Pete Holmes comedy, honest vulnerability, and grounded reflection.

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird.

[Valerie]

You made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird.

Oh, yeah.

You made it with. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

What's happening? Weirdos indeed.

Real quick intro. This is a great one. It's casual. It's more of our NPR style, which I like, but I really loved it.

I know I did like it. We talk.

You said like.

I did love it.

Okay. Come see me at Largo on June 11. Largo-la.com please. Watch the path. Watch the path. It's Aaron Paul. And if you like the show, try.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

A Pete's pick, the first of which is Magic Mind. Because I always drink a magic mind about 15 minutes before I do this podcast and before I do almost anything that requires that flow state, that high productivity, super dialed in flow state that is not jacked up on caffeine. It only has about 35mg micrograms, whatever mg of caffeine. So it's not a high caffeine drink. It's not an energy drink. It is a productivity drink. In fact, it is the world's first productivity drink. It's a tiny little shot. Keep it in the fridge. Magical elixir that makes you focus better on your work, be more creative and drink less coffee. I didn't realize I was drinking too much coffee until I noticed that my hands were clenching and my jaw was tight. Now I have the beautiful benefits of matcha. Magic mind has nootropics that help you focus and adaptogens that help you fight off stress. That is just some of the 12 functional ingredients. So you take it in the morning with your caffeine and it's those adaptogens that help you balance out and round out the edges of the caffeine you're already enjoying. But also the matcha and the nootropics help you get into that sharp mind, steady energy, not to mention immune support and less stress. I am all about adaptogens and I get them in my magic mind. You get 30% more stuff done on average. 5 to 7 hours of flow state of 30% more productivity after drinking. It's like, you know, athletes have Gatorade now creators have ready for it. Creator aid. Don't expect wired. It's not like a jittery wired tight feeling. Expect dialed in. It is the creator's best friend. Helps fight off procrastination, brain fog, fatigue, even some ADD symptoms. And after three to seven days of continuous use, it's even easier. I can attest to that. It builds and gets better and better easier to get into that flow state and with their money back guarantee any first purchase will be refunded, no questions asked. And if it doesn't meet your the do you guys if it doesn't meet your expectations, I absolutely swear by it.

[Pete Holmes]

And I have a and so does Val.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

I have a special offer for our listeners from our friends at Magic Mind. All you have to do is go to www.magicmind co weird and use our discount code at checkout weird to get a limited 20% off your first order. That's MagicMind Co weird and use discount code weird at checkout for 20% off. And get yourself some creator aid. Get yourself the world's first productivity drink. I absolutely love it. I absolutely swear by it.

[Pete Holmes]

Also speaking of swear by it, I'm.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

Wearing it right now is my Apollo Neuro. You guys have heard both Val and I talk about our Apollo Neuros. It is the thing we've gifted more than any other thing. I can say that with confidence. We've given it to our creative friends, parents. We've even given it to a few children that were having some stress issues. Because an Apollo Neuro is like a wearable hug. It's a wearable piece of technology. I wear it on my wrist. It looks like a watch, but I wear it on the inside. That sends vibrations into your nervous system that are interpreted by your nervous system as touch. It is touch therapy to help you feel safe and in control. And it mimics the movement of deep relaxing breath and just tells your body, hey, it's okay. But it's not just for relaxing. These gentle, soothing vibrations actually train your nervous system to recover and rebalance after stress, but it can also wake you up. There's a setting called Energy and Wake Up. You control this through your phone. There's Social and Open, which is usually the setting I use for standup in this podcast, Clear and Focused, which really helps you get into that state where you can really dig into a book or or a project or your work. I also use that sometimes when I'm doing standup as well. Rebuild and recover. Val and I always joke that's the setting we use after a stressful dinner with our parents or whoever it may be. If you're just juggling a lot of balls and you're just feeling stressed, throw it on.

[Pete Holmes]

Rebuild and recover.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

Meditation and mindfulness is a subtle setting as well, but it helps you go deeper. Deeper than I have in my meditation practice in years. I always say this, but if all this thing did was help me meditate the way that it helps me meditate, I. I would be shouting its name from the rooftops. But that's not the only thing it does. Wake up, be social, be open, be focused, rebuild and recover after a workout. Help you meditate, help you just be mindful even with your eyes open. I'll put it on meditation and mindfulness and it helps me ease in and just feel a little bit more zen. Relax and unwind is what we put it on at night when we're reading or watching tv. It's a wonderful pre bed ritual that just helps your body sink in and ease into that sleep state. And when I'm sleeping I literally have it running on sleep and renew. My favorite thing about that, not only does it help me fall asleep and stay asleep and sleep more deeply if I wake up and I often do because we have a four year old.

[Pete Holmes]

Well she's almost four, three and a half year old. If I have to get up and help Lee in the middle of the.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

Night and I go back to bed, sometimes my heart's a little jacked. I press the two buttons on the Apollo, it reruns the last program and boom, I am back asleep way more easily than I would be without it. The Apollo Neuro actually trains your nervous system to cope with stress better over time. Meaning the more you use it, the better it works. It's not woo woo. This is not a mood ring or a crystal. This was developed by a neuroscientist and a board certified psychiatrist who have been studying the impacts of chronic stress in humans for nearly 15 years. And Apollo's effects on stress, sleep, cognitive performance and recovery have been proven in multiple clinical trials and real world studies. There's even more data coming out about the clear and focused settings specifically to help people like me who kind of have a mind that juts darts all over the place how much it can help that it's literally changed our lives. And you can get 10% off and show your support of this podcast, which means so much by going to Apollo neuro.com weird that's Apollo N E U R O.com weird for for 10% off and show your support of this podcast. I know that URL quite well because I go there all the time to gift them to my friends. It's a wonderful gift to give that stress managing help that so many of us need to loved ones.

[Pete Holmes]

All right everybody, this is we made it weird number 88.

88.

Can you believe it?

I love it.

It was a more cash chat as I said, but I Liked this one.

I really like this one. This was a very.

You get a downgrade it, like Nazi.

You get a real good sense of just, like, how we chat.

Oh, my God. That's how we're written up by Rolling Stone. The offshoot of you made it weird is we made it weird. And I'll say this. You get a good sense of how they chat.

I think people want that. I think people want that.

Well, look, you're looking for some company on that Amtrak. Here we are.

Here we are, babies. Get into it.

What's up, mother? Hey. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Okay.

Val and I just started. And we.

We started again, which we almost never do, and I almost always recommend that we do at some point, but then.

I'm like, no, it's golden. But, like, I'm not. Look, let's. This is what it's going to be. It's going to be one of these ones.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little bit chill.

It's a little bit chill. It's okay. You just got back from the duck tour.

I got back from the duck tour and I brought you.

Wait, now it feels too panicked. Don't tell the doctor thing yet.

That's not making it not feel panicked. Okay. Let's just calm things down, okay? We're trying to get things calmer. I don't want it to be too panic.

That's it. Now we can tell the doctor. I just wanted to break the membrane.

[Valerie]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I wanted to. You know, there's like a film on top of the.

Speaking of mine.

Really?

Well, kind of.

Did she throat.

She nose scoped me, which is.

Oh, I've had that.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Which actually, the rubber hose.

I knew that's what it was.

Quite literally up the nose of the rubber hose.

That's right.

Well, Bobby Barberino. Billy Barberino.

Nope. I don't even know what you're referring to, but I know that's not real.

It's John Travolta. John Travolta in Welcome Back Cotter.

Oh, right.

Bobby Bamborino. Famously. His character's name was Bobby Bamarino, but he would say, oh, up your nose with a rubber hose.

Oh, sure. Okay. I have a. I don't know that.

I only know that because someone just did to me what I did to you. Like, explain it. I never saw it.

I have a very real question, and it might be really dumb.

Can't wait.

I'm realizing I never watched welcome Back Cod, but this is giving it away. I never.

Welcome Back Cotter is actually. It's a common Mistake. That's about a fisherman who only works with cod, and he'd go out to sea and he'd catch a lot of cod and he'd return to the port.

No, no, that one. I have seen that one. I watch all.

Does sound like a show on the BBC. Like the BBC in the 80s. Like, British TV was just like. It's about a jaunty man who has a big library. And it was always. He has to take one book and walk it all across town. And he runs into the patissier. He runs into the minister. This is all the pilot. And then he does get the book there. That was like an awesome.

That was so great. I would love to watch that.

Wonderful. For relaxing.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, what's the question? So welcome. Say the title.

Welcome Back Cotter.

I think I real. I have. I'm just now realizing that I have always thought that that was like a cheeky title because the guy's name was Carter, but it took place in Boston.

Wow. Welcome Back, Carter.

Even as I was saying it, I was like, welcome back, Carter.

Like, if it was about a guy named John, it would be J A, H, N. Yeah.

Welcome back, Jan. Hey, Jen.

Welcome back, Carla. Yeah, but his name is Carter.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Because I guess in my brain it's like, no, there's no name Cotter. It's Carter.

Oh, my God, Valerie, you've done it. You did. You took us for a little walk inside your noodle.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no name Cotter. No.

It's like such a kid thing where you're like, I never heard it. That doesn't exist.

But I'm sitting here as a grown man saying, there's no Cotter.

No, there is no Cotter. I can't even see it because it's Carter.

It's Carter.

Yeah.

Come back, Cotter. I love that.

So I went to my ent. That's right. I have so many issues with my ears, nose, and throats that I have a regular ear, nose, and throat doctor.

All the upper ends, who I'm pretty.

Caught up with at this point.

Yeah, you have a lot of fun.

Yeah, she's really great.

I want to laugh. For upper ends.

All my upper ends.

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The lower ends. Different doctor.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Everybody goes to the same butt doctor. Isn't that kind of a nice feeling?

What?

What if you're getting a colonoscopy?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You go to the bum doctor. It's not like. But like. What I'm saying is you have a vagina, so you go To a vagina doctor. I have a pee pee. I go to the pee pee doctor. But if you and I have a butt problem, it's the the same guy. He's like, I'll surf or I'll ski. Like he doesn't care. And for the upper holes, also the same.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

You could give me an upper hole doc recommendation, but I couldn't give you a vagina doc recommendation.

I think I'm gonna try to really make this something because I don't think it is quite yet something. But it's like a urethra is the same in both female and mass male.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. The hole is a negative space and the vagina grows around it, but it keeps the hole. The hole is nothing.

Okay.

The hole is just a void.

It's just empty space.

It's an empty space and then a ding dong grows around it. But it's like not here, not here, not here. That's what the hole is. The hole was for a growing penis. The hole was a nice little break that it got to take. It was like, don't do anything here. Don't amass.

The cells were just like, not, not here. Yeah.

Leave that to the atoms.

But if you had a urinary tract infection, I think you would see your, as you call it, pee pee doctor and I would see my gynecologist.

You mean we can't even though the hole is the same?

Yeah, but for the colonoscopy, I. I'm so furious that I have been pulled.

Down here into the lower and upper hole conversation.

So let's go back to the upper holes. Okay.

I'm just, I just like kind of a warm, nice feeling thinking that you and I might be probed by the same doctor at some point that he would slowly lead a garden hose into each of our bums.

And that's the closest we'll come to a three way. Just kidding. Just kidding.

You're saying, you're saying there's a chance.

Okay. Anywhozle. So I went to the ear, nose, throat doctor. I don't like to say the. And I like to have ear comma, nose comma throat doctor.

I like saying upper holes. They don't like it.

They hate it, by the way.

The holes is where all the problems are. Everything, everything on a human body is very sealed up tight. Except for the holes. Yeah, you need the holes.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But it's sort of a flaw in the system because I. Right now I'm speaking to you. I'm speaking to you right now with an earache A really bad one.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I've been putting coconut oil in it. Pro tip. It's getting better.

So I've had.

Because they said you can go to the doctor, but it's $900. I was like, what?

Yeah, but you should go to my person because.

But it's still $300.

Yeah, it's true. And that this is like a privileged thing because part of the story.

My point. Who's. What is this?

I know.

I was just like, I have health insurance. I have an earache. And they were like, yeah, you can come in. It's $900. I was like, that's not dumb. Look, I'm not looking for Canada, But I'm looking for 80s America.

Right?

What happened?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm not. You paid an Xbox to have someone put a rubber nose up your hose like Bobby Bibarino. Oh, my God, what a scam.

Put a rubber nose up your hose.

I know a guy behind the target that'll put a rubber nose up your hose for $30, and his name is Baby Bibbarino. Just keep saying BBBBB. He'll show up.

It just keeps getting worse and worse.

Or better and better. Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah. This is not a story. And now it's like I'm making it seem like it's a story, but it's more information that I haven't given you yet. So I brought you on this podcast mori style. Isn't that right, Maury?

Like, I am the cause of your sore throat.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, are you telling us.

No, it's not.

It's just I thought for a moment maybe I gave you. Oh, no, I think they're calling it yearpes now. It's not herpes anymore. Look, when you have. Look, the holes, the holes. It could be anything. My ear hurts so bad, and you're kind of like, am I dead? Like, anything. Like, where does something that you don't trust, something shifty and fast like a little rodent, go. Yeah, in a hole.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when you have a whole problem, you're like, is there the disease equivalent? You let Brody out, did you?

I. I couldn't get him back in. He came out, and then I couldn't get him back in.

Well, I'm going to put him in the house, and you're. You're going to tell. You're going to tell.

All right, I'll give the. I'll give. Okay. I'll give the lead up because it's not that interesting. Okay, So I didn't want to go to the doctor. I've had a sore throat for a week. This is nothing. I'm pre apologizing. You poor listeners. This is. This is not a story. Had a sore throat.

I think it's a wonderful story.

I had a sore throat for a week and was like, that's. And then I looked in the back of my throat, and there were bumps, and I was like, this is just. You did?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You saw bumps?

[Valerie]

Yeah. I told you that.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't remember. I remember you saying kind of fake. Felt like it was bumpy. I didn't know you saw bumps.

No, I saw, like, bun, like, a bunch of bumps all in my throat. And I was like, well, that can't be good. But then I did Google it. Remember when you were like, don't Google it.

Yeah, anything.

And it is called cobblestone throat, which is exactly what it looked like.

And it's a walk on those.

Yeah. Let's go see if we can. Don't wear your heels. And it's. It is caused, like, by drainage. This is so boring. I feel like we should cut this out.

Gross.

It's gross and boring. And anyway, the. The thing is, is that I was like, I. I never want to go to the doctor.

This is so boring.

This is so boring.

No, it's not. But I felt you feeling trapped being like. It's called cobblestone.

I can't say. Sorry. It's so silly.

This is what happens when I. I had to step out and let Brody in the house so he could bark at who knows what. But are you okay?

I also think it's. I'm okay.

And it's not yourpes.

I have. It's not yourpes. I have a sinus infection. And, like, she's. So she stuck the little camera up my nose, which I do think Covid tests have made me better at that.

Yes.

Because I was just like. It's like. It's like other holes. You're like, just relax and receive it.

Oh, my God.

Don't resist it. Just relax.

Just relax.

Don't resist something.

Don't overthink it.

Yeah, don't overthink it. Just breathe through it.

Honestly, you know what's strange? That's how I feel about getting my makeup done. Oh, yeah, television shows.

Sure.

If you start thinking, wow, that brush is really close to my eye right now, you'll freak out. So, similarly, when being rosed up. Numbered nosed.

Yep. Rose. Upnumbered nose falling apart. Yes. Got it.

Try not to think about what's happening.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So Anyway, she scoped. I love this stuff. Like, I loved when she showed me my vocal cords and my polyp.

Gross.

And I really. I really was like, yeah, what's happening in there? I hate the mystery. I want to know what's going on in my body.

I think of myself as a Ken doll. No innards.

Oh, I don't know.

[Valerie]

I. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why, but I really love it. But it was. She was like. She pulled it out and she was like, wow. I'm really surprised that you seem not sick at all because you have a full on sinus infection.

Really?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So you're doing. Oh, that's fun. It's not finding out that you're like, kind of like candy, like, sensitive.

That's what it was.

Something small. You actually found out that you're resilient. Roast beef ass.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

To something very serious.

That I am a roast beef ass.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's what I wanted the world to know.

Yeah. That's one of your many nicknames. Old roast beef ass.

I'd much rather be a candy ass.

Yeah, me too.

But that is what I was trying. How I was trying to force it into a narrative was that I almost didn't go to the doctor because I was like, I have this fear always that I'm gonna go to the doctor and the doctor's gonna be like, it's ridiculous that you're here. Like, this is nothing. You clearly are a hypochondriac or whatever. And it was the opposite of that, where she was like, I'm so glad that you came in because this was just gonna get worse and it wouldn't have fixed itself. And I was like, wow. I trusted my intuition that a week is a little too long to have a sore throat for me. And what's going on with these bumps? And I just did the thing without waiting, like I usually would have. And I was rewarded by antibiotics that she said, quote, are very. These specific ones are particularly gut. Unfriendly.

Whoa.

But I only have to take it for like three days.

That's enough to ruin everything.

I know, but I have to.

I would do it too, but you're just gonna have to rebuild.

I'm gonna rebuild that.

Rebuild.

You know, I'm gonna rebuild that. Flora.

Flora and fauna and fauna. Not sure the diff.

It is kind of a bummer because I was really hoping. I've been like, on this thing of trying to rebuild my gut.

It's a second brain. That's how you get a fellow like me. A Top down fellow like me to get interested in gut health. Like, who cares? Usually most of my life if people were talking about gut health. By the way, welcome to the terror dome. This is horrible. I'm now talking about gut health. But I'm just saying, don't you kind of feel weird? Like if someone starts telling you their gut health regimen, don't you kind of start smelling their farts? Don't you kind of just like, oh, my God, like you can just like you're like a fart person. You're like a. Oh, my God. You're like a fermented yogurt and your weird deer skin pants. I don't want to talk to you.

But having a healthier gut would make that better, I would think.

That's how I felt most of my life. Now I'm like, you're not a gut person. Like, you don't take care of your gut.

I can smell your fart.

Yeah, I don't want to smell a cracker of coming out of your crack. Really? Somebody was telling me. I'll spare who it was, but they were telling me about going to one of those restaurants that they have in, like, in flight magazines. If you've ever been on a flight and you are bored and you start flipping through that in flight magazine, I guarantee.

[Valerie]

My God.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. You're going to see an ad for a rest of Brazilian steakhouse where they serve you steak on a sword.

Absolutely on a sword.

It is on like a big spike. I've never been to one, but this person was bragging to me about this. Is not a close friend of ours? No, somebody like a family friend? A friend. And they were like, yeah. He also just started telling me out of nowhere. It was like, I walk into this party and he just goes, hey, Pete. I'm like, yeah, my wife and I, we went to a Brazilian steakhouse. I'm like, what is this? This? Who says this? Yeah, this says what you're saying.

And he's like, this is what you're saying?

This is what you're saying. And. And I swear he goes, $75 a person. And I'm like, I'm sorry, do you think I'm a hot shot? And you have to like, you know, tell me how you're fancy too, or something. Yeah, you don't. Because who says how much it costs $75 a person, but you have a card. And if it's red, it says no, and if it's green, it says mas. And mas means more. He's explaining this to me. And if it's on green, they just keep giving you meat. And all I'm thinking is, by the way, go ahead, eat some meat. Like, I'm not here to judge that. I can if I want to. But, like, I'm just saying that wasn't the issue. It was more of a colon barf. Like, I wanted to be like, you're dead. Like, you're dead. Yeah, you got a lot of pooping to do it. I don't think you're gonna do it.

Yeah, I don't think you're gonna. You won't be doing it in the first for a long time. It'll be.

You're gonna carry it around.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It'll be a while before that meal is out, completely out of your body.

Oh, my God. Welcome to the terror dome.

I know, but, like, I'm so sorry.

By saying here's. Have we talked about this? I know I've mentioned it on the pod before, but it's like when I go to the doctor, you're kind of going into the principal's office, and you just want them to tell you you can go back to recess.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But, like, regular life feels like it has its own recess areas and its own principal's offices. But then you realize, like, the one that matters the most is your health. And you go into the. The biggest principal's office and you just want them to say, you can go back out and play. And I hate when they're like, you know, you have a thing or you have to stay, or, like, you just want your freedom pass renewed.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And suddenly, in that I feel the same way about the dentist, which I'm going to, I realize I haven't been the dentist in eight years. Eight years.

Eight years.

Eight hard ones. The Jodaro's a hard eight years. It's been. I know, guys, you know what? Based upon my failure, I've failed. It's been.

That can't.

It's been. They. This is the dentist I go to, and they said, it's been eight years since you've been here.

Oh, my God, I've been to. I remember going to the dentist after it had been three years, and I was like, I wanted to, like, go in disguise.

Oh, my God. Yes. I'd like to go in as a giant tooth.

But you know what?

Something they love.

You know what happened? And you're going to the same dentist that I go to. God, I feel like asking us to go to the dentist twice a year is ridiculous. I will go once a Year. I'll go once a year.

Do you go once a year?

Yeah, I go once a year. Except for just a quick cue.

I just wish. You know what? I'm going with the mommy model. Not you, anybody. The dentist himself could mommy me. Just send me a text. It's been a year. If they did that, and we have the technology for that. If they said it's been a year, yeah. Do you think I would ignore eight consecutive dental reminder texts? No fucking way.

But that's what's weird is usually with this dentist, and I think most you make your next appointment, like a year in advance. But see, that's what I do. So I always make the appointment for six months from then, and then I cancel it and then I reschedule it for six months later so that I'm only going once a year. But what happened with this dentist is because I didn't go for three years, she was like, oh, no. And because I don't floss. I don't floss. I'm sorry, I don't floss.

Yeah, I go through spurts.

I like, make the dentist appointment in a couple months. Before that, I floss. I just can't do it.

That's what I do, too. I'm definitely flossing now.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

About to go in, but she. I'm cramming.

She's like, you have to come in every four months. And I did that for like a year. And then I was like, this is unreasonable.

I can't wait because you took three. So are they going to tell me to come in once a month?

They're probably going to, yeah. That's what I'm trying to tell you is they're going to tell you to come in at least every four months. And it's. I did it for a year and, like, went three times in a year. And I was like, I can't. I hate this.

I just. Okay. I just. I would have gone. That's what I want to say to them. Why didn't you come in? Why didn't you ask me to come in? I'm over here.

Why didn't you invite me?

You offer a service. Yeah, I get reminders from my car. Change the oil. I need new tires. Bings and bongs and booms and I do it. You couldn't send me an email? Yep, you have my email. Hey, it's been a while. This is like 1985. Send a postcard. Some of them get kind of. Kind of sneaky with it. They send you a birthday card. Yeah, well, I hope to see you soon, stinky brav. You're like all right.

Halitosis to you.

Oh my God, that was stupid. Halitosis to you. That is all I want to avoid. I see here. It's not what, it's why we talk about this all the time. It's not what, it's why you know, my go to is always. It's not like.

It's not what a burger. It's why a burger.

You are the queen. That's my go to with gut health. We were talking about this. It's a second brain. Like science is finding more and more it's functioning as like a brain. Like it's helping you. Yeah, I don't know. I need to read these articles. I guess. I guess I should read them. But somebody explained it to me at one point and I understood and I was like, okay, so it's serious. It's digestion, it's your brain, it's your overall health. Like healthy colon, healthy person.

Right.

So I'm like, okay, I'm all in. I got my motherfucking ritual pre post and pre pro and postbiotics. We've done broth, shit fasts, all that stuff. Yeah, I'm about it. I take digestive enzymes which are huge veggie. Just huge, huge, huge, huge, biggest. His colon. Don't get me started.

That's why his brain so up.

Could be like for real. You got KFC brain. Where was I? I don't have a good why for dental health yet.

I know I wish.

Well, and it is like, you know, smell like shit. That's pretty good.

No, like Sarah Silverman. I think think would be.

I always think of her as death creeps in through the gums. I'm like, tell me more. What does that mean?

I can't be doing my own research on this. Just like I can't be remembering to go to the dentist.

Well, if you're going to, you're the queen. If you're going to die from not flossing, everyone's dead. That, that can't be true, right?

Are you guys all secretly flossing?

I do ask a lot of people and they say they floss. And I'm like, I guess it's like when and how, when before or after you thoughtfully in your grown up bed?

Right?

My mom would floss in bed.

She would. That's weird. I feel like I need to be very near running water.

Well, look, since I've been doing it, this, this is, this is sort of a snooze. But it goes back to our thing. Like, I. In my house, if. If I lived alone, there would be a bag of flosspex by the couch.

Right?

And there were.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's when I was like, captain Floss.

We can just put them in that drawer. But you just won't ever look in that drawer.

No, I'd settle for drawer, but I opened that drawer, and they weren't in there.

Well, yeah, I don't. You.

Well, yeah. What do you.

You're. You're looking for the dentist to invite you. You're looking for me to put the flosspicks.

I'm asking in the drawer. I'm looking for you to not hide the flosspicks.

I put them.

Drawers are hiding.

Oh, my God.

Drawers.

Oh, my God.

It's a hiding spot, you guys.

Our bathroom couldn't be more organized in categories. The middle drawer is the dental drawer. That's where they are.

The middle drawer is the dental drawer. All right.

That's what I think. Drawers and cabinets are hiding them, I find. You want to live in a pantry. You want to live a house that is a pantry.

Valerie, when you said that, I imagined that is what I want.

You want to live in a grocery store? You want to live in a Costco.

You, my friend, have nailed it. Actually, I think I had a movie idea where a guy. Every time I'm in a Crate and Barrel or something like that, ikea, I'm like, I just want to live here. You have seven living room. You could have parties, and I had it written down somewhere that some rich guy would, like, make his house a crate. A Crate and Barrel.

That's really great. But I would like to say I want to live in a Crate and Barrel. You want to live in a Costco?

I do.

Like, I. You will. You could never.

Men want to live in a Costco. Women want to live in a Crate and Barrel.

I'm trying to make our house look like Crate and Barrel all the time, but you want flosspics by the couch.

I want to live like, I want to sit on a crate and have flosspicks on a barrel. Can. You want to live in a Crate and Barrel? Yeah, I just want some crates and some barrels.

Yeah, it's.

You know, I think this podcast, we didn't know it when we started it 10 years ago. It was just, does. Does I have ADD? And then every guest comes on and says, yeah. And then after all these years, I'll go, like, maybe I should look into that. But we've Talked about this before. I don't mean to be the guy with. With, like, if it was affecting my life negatively, I would look into it. And that's my pledge to you. Lemon scented. It's my pledge to you.

Love the smell of pledge.

I would do whatever if it was starting to interfere with my life. But I like being a pantry brain, and being a pantry brain really works for me. I have to have lists of who my friends are. I have to have lists of my projects. That's what these post its and all these things are. But it works for me. And it's not just because I'm, you know, people come up to me and tell me how much they spent on dinner. Because I'm a successful guy. At least that's what that was. My guess. I was like, do you think I think I'm better than you? Is that what's happening right now?

And by thinking that, you kind of are thinking that you're better than him.

And by you thinking that, I'm also thinking that you think that I am better than you. And that makes me think more highly of you, because I like to think of myself as more thoughtful than you. I forget what I was saying. I like pantry living.

Yeah, you like pantry living.

That's my point, is it's not just because it works for me. It's because it works. Like, it works for me. Like, it produces results. Just kind of. I like it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It works on a million things. Like if. If you're just doing what you're doing. And that's just how your brain is. Helps you do what you're doing.

Yes.

As opposed to the people. Like, I hate this is. Oh, I love this. I'm so glad we're gonna say this. I've been wanting to get this on the record. I hate planning. Here's why. My brain is like a boardroom. It's like a wework, like a common area. We work. And there's 10 people, 10 business people, men and women in this room. And that's when I wake up in the morning. I have all 10 of them are in the room. And when they're all together and I'm sort of the disembodied awareness that's looking at them. So I'm like the 11th thing in the room. But really, I'm the office building. But anyway, I'm talking to them. And when they're all there, I'm clear as a bell. I'm calm, I'm happy because they're all there. The staff's accounted for then let's say the completely reasonable. You say, what should we do for the 4th of July? Now three people in my room leave to go to another room that I can't even see to plan. What are we gonna do for the fourth of July? Now I got seven people. This is, like, the clearest image I've received lately of what it feels like in the morning. I have all 10. And then small tasks keep popping up. People ask me to project into the future or replay the past, and my business people just keep dispersing. And the problem with that is the fewer people that are in the room, the less calm I am, the less happy I am. I want them all in the room so we can just focus on how we feel, like, just what's happening right now around us. And it's very taxing and difficult when people are like. Like, we've been doing it as we've been dealing with house stuff. We have to talk about that.

I know. I was wondering if we were going to.

I think we have to. It's a big part of. It's a big shift. Yeah, it's a control shift. Caps lock.

Mm.

Anyway, that's how it feels to have my brain.

Well, okay. So my brain. Okay, two points. One is, for me, using the fourth of July example, my brain goes like, the people in the fourth of July room are wanting to know what the plan is so that they can then come back into the main room and we can all chill, but they won't leave that room until we just make the plan. So I have it. So then they can relax and come and relax. It's really like, how this is. And this is how we are actually in our actual living rooms, where you put Lela to bed and I need to clean the house a little bit before I can sit down and fully relax. I need to take care of the thing. Because if I can visually floor in.

A pile of oily rags. Yeah, Just like, ah, she's down.

And I. If I can, like, visually. This is what it is. Oh, we're really cracking this.

Cracking it.

If I can visually see things that need to be done, then I can't fully relax. If you can't visually see all of the things that you need and do, then you can't fully relax. So it's like another way of thinking of it is also you want to keep your brain constantly clear and thinking of the least amount of things as possible. So that's why you want everything that you need. All your vitamins, your floss picks, everything that you use in a day out in the open so that you don't have to be kind of like holding it and remembering it in your brain.

Yes.

So that you can do it. I do that anyway. I hold everything that I need to do in my brain at all times anyway. So I need my space to be very clean and clear and under control so that it doesn't feel. Because if it's cluttered in my external space, then that's adding to the clutter in my brain already.

I think what's interesting about my 10 business people in a room thing is when you beckon them, as is fair and is totally part of life, to go like, what are we going to do that weekend? They leave and I can't see where they are. All I know is there's fewer people here tending to be.

That might be the severing of that might be the ADHD thing, potentially.

I'm like, but we were just in the car going on a drive. I'm not mad about it. I'm like, once you bring it up, though, I can feel it's like I'm a computer. Is another metaphor. And now we've opened Photoshop and there's just all this RAM is being used on what? I'd just rather run a pretty screensaver and play Bob Marley.

Okay, Right. And I think that. That this might be. If there is adhd, which I'm not convinced, but that could be it. Because our friend who described having adhd, the type that they have is like, where they're hyper focused on one thing, and then if they have to shift focus to something else, it's like moving a huge piece of machinery, like, over onto that thing, and then it has to be locked onto that thing. Whereas, yes, for me, I'm like, let's just quickly visit this room, decide what we're gonna do, and we'll come right back.

Now, this is a breakthrough because I've always said that my creativity is like the torture machine in Princess Bride. Like, water starts to flow, then the wheel starts to turn faster and faster and faster, and before long it's up and running. It's not a torture machine. It's a creativity machine in this case. And to stop it is laborious and difficult. And that's why, like, this morning, I forgot we had to do the pod.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

But I was going to write and I was like, to write.

[Pete Holmes]

And I am writing and I will continue writing after this. But, like, it takes me an hour and a half to write for an hour and a half. Like, I need three hours to write for an hour and a half. And it's really just trying to get that machine up and running.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's not easy. That's why, like, I hate. I hate. And I love, love, hate emails and phones and stuff. Sometimes it's fun. If I'm taking a little break from writing, I'll switch over to my email. But if it's like a thing, like, urgent, time sensitive, like, do you want. Do you want to fly into Denver on Thursday? Or like, I'm like, oh, God, stop the machine. Or I don't. And there's just water all over the floor. And there's that weird torture guy that's, like, pale and has a wig. Like, there's that guy. Just a big mess in here sometimes.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And what I love, because I feel like, well, a few of my closest people have now in their 40s, been given the diagnosis of ADHD. And I love this seems like the time to be alive for people with that neurotype. But because not only are we more aware of it now, but we're more aware of it being exactly that. Just a neurotype. It's like, might as well be your enneagram number.

Oh, really?

Like, yeah. It's not a deficiency. It's not a flaw. It's like, your specific brain works this way, and it has this unique set of pros and cons and other brains work this way.

Bring my businessmen back. They don't want to talk about New Year's Eve. I will find you.

They are going to take you. I always think of when he says, they're going to take you. That moment. Why did I used to watch stuff like that?

Thinking about it, though. There's something about. You know what, though, dude. So Liam Neeson saying to his daughter, they're going to take you is a pretty good metaphor for, like, parenting being like, you're gonna have your heart broke.

You're gonna suffer.

You're gonna suffer.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Meaning you're gonna be out of control.

Yeah, but I. But I will.

Having a daddy on the phone. Sorry, but like, a daddy, like a overlord. Like, not an overlord, but like. Like a. Like a. Like a patriarchal, powerful figure who's. Who's powerless to stop it. Yeah, I. I don't think I get the chills when I hear Liam Neeson being like, they're going to take you, but I promise I will find you. Yeah, that's parenting.

That is parenting.

There's gonna be times when you're just like, somebody's a shit to you at school or you get your heart broke or whatever.

But I.

It's my goal to be like, but I will find you and I have a very specific set of parenting skills. And I will sit with you and listen to you.

I was gonna say, but I will find that kid and I will kill them.

That is sort of what I'll be thinking. I'll be like, what a difficult thing. Do you know the name of the. The boy who's difficult to. In class, but it's hard to remember that that kid is somebody else's. Leela.

Yeah, that's right. And that Leela, she's good. She can be a bully herself.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

She's a bit fiery.

[Pete Holmes]

She's a bit fiery.

You're going to take somebody like, she's the kidnapper.

Oh, my gosh, she's wild.

She's a wild, beautiful, free rascal.

Perfect. Do we want to give our special news?

Here is our special news read to you by a subpar Liam Neeson impression. We found our Ojai house.

We got our. We got our dream house, guys, which.

We're very relaxed in this episode. I'm really enjoying it. It's like a little kind of country time lemonade episode. But if you were talking to us yesterday or after coffee or something, we would be freaking out.

We also have had a couple weeks to process. Process it. We were. There is a video of us dancing when we found out into a gif. Yeah, a gif.

Listen, we have been looking for those of you who listen to the show for a long time. We've been looking in Ohio for a very long time. Ohio to. Over two years.

Over two years.

Ohio is our incredibly special, special place. We were just there yesterday touring a school for Leela and it was absolute heaven. And I was dying every second.

I know.

And what's really great, like, we've talked about. What's really great is we've talked about, like, when you move to an area or into a new house, it's absurd that you don't. That you don't like, get to live in the house for like six weeks or live in the neighborhood for six weeks, like, free. Like, it seems like something that happened in Sweden. Like they don't let you live in house for six weeks. What do you mean? You could move in and you don't even like it.

How do you know?

Here, government gives you one pack cigarettes, three saltine crackers, unflavored, and six free weeks at health insurance. They actually give you $300 when they check your ear with a rubber horse. What I'm saying is, is that voice okay?

Is they're pretty privileged.

We're what? The Swedes? I don't know, Val. Shots fired.

Am I wrong? Is there something I'm missing?

I don't know anything about the Swedes. I wasn't even sure you call them the Swedes.

You don't hear about them. Because everything is fine up there.

The reason there's no Swedish news is because everything's tucked under like a Brookstone soft blanket. And there's a clock here that's like wooden, but the numbers are like embedded in the wood. And to make it snooze, you just wave your hand over it. You don't even have to touch it.

I'm waiting for, like a little giggle.

And you get up and you have oatmeal with water. Just a water based oatmeal that you make.

But do you think it's delicious?

But it is delicious.

I can't do even close to the actual.

The water in Sweden is actually very sweet, like buttermilk. Anywho, the point is we spent. It's good that it took us two years because now when I go to oj, I know where we are. And when we found this place, we knew what part of town it was in. Where. Oh, yeah, it was in proximity.

We have friends there. We have like a little community there.

I don't want to say more friends than I have here, but about the same amount of friends.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they're like quality friends.

They're good, deep, good friends.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So we're super, super excited.

So happy.

But like, I think the thing that was worth sharing, we're keeping our LA place. Certainly while we're figuring out how it feels. I mean, right now it feels fantastic. There's no. That's actually phrasing it wrong. It's not. It's not like we're like one foot in, one foot out. We're just kind of. There'll be times when we have to be in la. Especially me.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But the thing that I found most interesting was Ohio is such a life upgrade for us. And the house is really beautiful and there's like land and it's very flat, farmy. And there's like chicken coops and room for goats and there's oak trees.

Bunny hutch.

Bunny hutch. Just like, it's what we've always.

It's the farm dream.

It's the farm dream. And I'm 43 and I preach a lot about, like, don't wait until you're dead. Like find a way to do it now. But like I'm not exactly that guy because I'm a very sensitive person and living in the city can be taxing on me. There's parts of it that I absolutely love. But whenever we're up there, we always joke that oh, hi. Pete is very horny because he's just clear. Like when I'm here, like even though I'm not doing anything when I'm in a city, I just feel like I work for a textile factory. And I owe 30 new textile patterns at 7 o' clock and at 6:15 because I took a long lunch and a nap. So I'm behind. I always feel kind of behind. Hear a little bit of that energy. And we go up there and one of the first things I notice is I'm always down to bone because I just feel like clear. Like my feet are in the soil, the air is clean. Looking at the sky, there's trees and literally birds and bees. And I'm like, let's have sex. I love it up there. Just an hour and a half away. It just seems so strange that the vibe would be so different. But when we were looking at this place. Place A couple things to kind of share about the. Because I know it's really as we've been experiencing too really difficult to get a house right now.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And just in the country in general I think. But it's so nice that you and I, Valerie, I really wanted to talk about this phenomenon. Were like having like we can't like I guess. Unworthiness.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Feelings.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We were talking to our friend Darren about that who also lives in Ohio about that. Like that need to say to your dream. Yes. Like you have to be like. Yes. And I know this sounds a little goop.com right now. I'm just saying like really practically on a psychological level not to manifest it and make it happen per se. Just saying for you to feel comfortable we had to continually would get this wave of like. Like the house has a very grown up closet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like right now our closet's just a closet.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very shallow. It's not like a. This one has like a. Like Leela will be like oh wow, that's mom and dad's closet. Like the way I felt about my.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

Parents same like you can't go in that.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like a grown up closet. It's a grown up bathroom attached to the grown up bedroom. The kids rooms down here. And there's a Kid's bathroom, you know, like, yeah, it's very motherfucking grown. We love it to death.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

And it took.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'd love to. I'll give it to you now, Val. I've been talking a lot, but, like, I was shocked that even at this point in my life and so much abundance and my. My career dream coming true and all this stuff, I still had this feeling of, like, oh, they're gonna kick me out. Someone's gonna tell on me. I don't belong here.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

I'm not an adult.

[Pete Holmes]

I was like, who lived here before? They must have been some magical person. Like, I just couldn't. And we would. We would practice in the car when we were waiting to find out if we. If our offer would be accepted. That's another story. We would just say, yes, yes, yes. Because there was this real. I guess, imposter syndrome or a feeling that we're still children in some way. And. And the reason I'm mentioning it on the pod, I thought that was maybe unique. Maybe not just unique to us, but Darren was like, I feel exactly the same way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it seems that that's, like, one of the first. I think it's the thing you absolutely have to get over. No matter what your dream is. If it's a. You want to have, like, a little boat that you take out or whatever it is, you go like, I'm not a boat guy. My dad had a boat. I'm not a boat. You have to go like, fuck, no. I can be a boat. I can do it. I can do it. I had to, like, yell it into my unconscious.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And deny wouldn't sign for the delivery of doubt and. And unworthiness.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it definitely. I want to say, because even as we're sharing the news, I'm. It's coming up. So it still is not. I haven't passed.

Oh, me neither.

I'm not past it. But I'm like. Because I'm like. People are listening to this who've probably been, like, so struggling to buy a house or have to leave the city that they love living in. Cause they can't afford to live there. And, like, a lot of our friends.

Too, are going there.

A lot of our friends. And it feels. It is abundant. And sometimes it feels like, am I being greedy to accept this abundance? That's the story of the doubt.

Now, I've had Man in the Mirror in my head because it goes, oh, what is it? He goes, people don't have enough to eat. And he goes, who am I? To be blind, pretending not to see. Right.

[Valerie]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I've been going like this. This has happened at other times in our lives. Remember when I bought that coat? That was way too much money.

Yeah.

And then I gave the amount of the coat to the New York Winter Coat Foundation.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So there will be a balancing.

There is a balancing, and they're already signaling.

I'm just saying, once you take a big piece of cake, you really want to go like, oh, we gotta give the same amount of cake.

That's away.

That feels like the way you balance things.

That's right. So you don't want to have. I. I don't want to live a life where we don't struggle with the fact that we are so lucky and so privileged, because the struggle is where our generosity comes from in a lot of ways. Like, it's like, right. This isn't. This isn't fair. So, you know, just that it happens to be that you're. You work so hard, but, like, your specific set of skills.

I have a very specific set list.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Just happens to, like, make way more money than other sets of skills that are arguably even more valuable.

I like this, like, where this episode's gone. No, I really did bristle it when you were like, it's not fair. I get that. And then there's that other part of me that's like, no, no, no, no, no.

But so that's just me saying, we rec. Like, I recognize this. This is such a privilege to be able to have this house, to buy a dream house at this time and struggle with it in the fact that it's, you know, and think of, you know, the man in the mirror stuff. And this is our life. We are being offered this abundance. This has been our dream for. Since we met. We, like, called it the farm dream. And this has been the dream since we were dating. Yes, since we were dating. And we're able to have it. And that's what it always comes down to for me is, so if I just, like, deny myself abundance because I don't understand or I feel unworthy in any way, who's gonna benefit from that Again?

Isn't that what your therapist said?

Basically, yeah. It's like, so what good does that do if I'm like, no, I shouldn't be allowed to have this. So I'm not gonna. I'm gonna say no. Like, what. What happens?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Who benefits from that?

Cui bono.

Also, so in a more general way that I do think could apply to everybody. Life moves in seasons.

Life Moves pretty fast.

Life moves pretty fast. Life. You know, our lives move in seasons, just like everything in nature. And there have been really dark seasons since even we've been together. And there's been really abundant seasons. And at this point now, what I know is that. Is that nothing lasts forever. And again, there will be, like, hard seasons ahead. So right now, we happen to be in this really beautiful, flourishing, abundant season. Can I just open to it, like I'm always trying to do with my suffering? Can I actually just open to this joy and say, open to everything? Yes. And all of the feelings that are uncomfortable about receiving and accepting the abundance and the gift. The gift, like, it's its own challenge to open to joy and to.

I completely.

Happiness.

Tell them what you. You're very interesting. I'm really enjoying listening to you. But the courage to try and be happy.

Yeah. My therapist says, like, it's a. It's very rare. Like, it's a surprising amount of people don't have the courage to actually be happy because they know that the happiness will just, like, everything will go away. The thing that's making them happy will go away, or you'll acclimate to it and, you know, there'll be a season.

I don't remember her saying that.

Yeah. But it's impermanence. It's the clinging part. So we often talk about the aversion. The aversion to our uncomfortable feelings, the aversion to our pain. But in Buddhism, suffering comes from aversion and clinging.

Yes. I think what makes this conversation. I hope what makes this conversation interesting is listening to how we're on one hand telling you, like, this dream is coming true.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We're so excited. And then there's also the. There's, like, a lot of mixed feelings in it, and one of them is, how can we be so blessed? Is one way to put it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But then there for me, there is, like, even not just the imposter thing, but, like, we gotta, like, make this work.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, to me, I'm not. Right now, I'm not worried about it. But this is why we have to mention on the podcast.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's gonna be the thing we're going through in the next couple months. This is a twist in the Pete and Val story. And that's why I was like, of course we have to. At first, I was like, maybe we don't. I was like, of course we do. Because. Okay, 90 minutes, sometimes two hours. That's a long way to go between LA and Ojai Drive. Yeah, for me. So, like, what will that be like? Also, it just costs more to live there. Like, I just found out that because it's a fire area, it's, like, incredibly hard to get insurance, like, homeowners insurance. I was like, well, jeez, that's something I didn't deal with. And then there's the, like, psycho spiritual kind of guilt. Who am I to be blind? Pretending that other people are in need and all that sort of stuff. But, yeah, it's interesting. That's why I wanted to share the journey.

Yeah, it does. Make no mistake, having seasons of happiness will also bring up your stuff, too. There's just no way of.

There's no. Whatever it is good and bad is going to, like.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Shine lights and corners.

[Valerie]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Pete Holmes]

And it was mostly like, this is. This is a life for other people. For me. Leela changes everything. And when we toured the school and the school costs exactly what our school here costs, which isn't like a ton. And we're just like. But it's like, literally, they have, like, a little Shetland pony and a huge garden, and everybody's covered in paint, and there's just mountains and grass. It looks like the fucking Teletubbies, you guys. So, obviously, there's, like, this. The first time that I was married and we moved to Sleepy Hollow, this is the thing. This is really the most interesting part, is Val and I, in trying to make this move and making this move, have been like, look, I know we're sweetie pies, but we need to be able to address things in real time. And we need to be able to not harbor it and be like, hey, the example was we briefly thought about Topanga Canyon, which is here in Los Angeles. But it's just kind of like a groovy, more nature y kind of feeling place. And I was like, oh, my God, it's only 40 minutes. It's only 40 minutes away. And, like, because I started to think we might live there, I started opening up about the fact that I was nervous about the commute. I was like, that's the old way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The old way is now that I'm safe, that I know there's an alternative. I'll tell you, I'm nervous about the commute.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, no. Whenever we're feeling it, we don't even have a code word. That's like, the old way, too. We don't need a code word. We're grown people. I can say Val, I'm a little nervous about the commute today. Like, this is Real shit. Like, it is this wonderful thing. And what I think is more useful to people listening is that with two people who are so sensitive to each other's feelings, it's almost like a prerequisite to have this life.

[Guest or Sponsor Representative]

You have to be able to go.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, we need to talk about stuff as it comes up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I need to feel safe, and you make me feel better, and then I do feel better. That sort of thing.

Yeah, absolutely. It's expanding our lives. So that means expanding every.

Emotional lives, too.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Expanding everything.

And our ability to level our game.

Right, exactly. Which is really. My therapist keeps talking to me. Keeps talking to me. Like. She just keeps talking to me about my time.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

About my distress tolerance. Like, my. My mother, for all of the reasons that she, you know, for very good reasons, based on what she went through as a child, has, like, zero distress tolerance, which is why, you know, when Leila's crying, she's like, look at the bird. Look at the pen. It's like, just try to quickly get her to stop crying. This is most people. So it's not. No judgment on her. It's also. Sorry to bring it back to the Enneagram always, but it is a very enneagram9 thing to do, which I also am. So comes being with Leila. We use this example so frequently, but it's just the per. Most perfect example. When Leila is having a tantrum, that feeling of being like, just. It's not worth it. Just give her what she wants, you know, the urge to just get that tantrum to stop as soon as possible is not only a direct reflection on our own distress tolerance, but it's training. It's an opportunity to train her distress tolerance. If we cut it off very quickly, then we're shortening her distress tolerance. But if we are like, we can sit in this for as long as we need to, then she's growing a very long, you know, wide distress tolerance. So that even the. Comes up with the being honest about our feelings thing. Both of us, based on our upbringing, I think, had a very short distress tolerance. We couldn't. It didn't feel safe when there was conflict.

That's why it's so unsafe for me to go. Like, I'm a little nervous because I see how excited you are about Ojai and how excited Lela is, frankly. We took Leila up to the house. It was one of the best things ever.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because again, it's not like. Like, it's. It's not like a stitched hand. Stitched Leather floor, you know?

Right.

Compound. But it is on land. It's got, like, trees and, like, there's a swing. Special. It's like a special beautiful nature. It's like living in the. In the mountains or something. And when we took her there and she just ran around, she can feel it, too. She's a little empath. And she eases up.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, in that sort of idyllic way.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't know why I went there. Oh, yeah. I think of how happy that is, and then I go, like, oh, I don't want to. Like, I don't want to harsh anyone's buzz when I'm like, what if this doesn't work?

[Valerie]

Or whatever. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, what if I'm the one?

But it's an option.

My fear is, like, am I going to be stuck in the car paying for a house that I'm never in?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, I don't know why I wanted to mention this. We may. Obviously may end up selling this house.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

We're just keeping it during a transition period. I don't want people to think we're just, like, buying houses.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's nothing.

Yeah.

But I really think that this is an opportunity to. In the. We are in this moment of expansion in every way. So this could be an opportunity to expand our distress tolerance. Which means maybe you do say, you know, or maybe we get there and you're doing the commute and you do say, like, this is really hard. I'm panicking a little bit. That's exactly.

My fantasy now is to just say.

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I'm panicking a little bit.

[Pete Holmes]

I even like that term. It just means, like, I'm in a spiral right now.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, don't look for a reason. Don't look for me to be sound. I'm just having a panic. And that hasn't happened. There have been moments where I'm like. I always use the phrase nosebleed. I'm like, I'm getting a little bit of a nosebleed. Like, I feel like I left Earth a little too much. It's a change.

Yep. And then it's my codependent tendency, because also my distress tolerance is low.

I just keep saying this podcast too low distress tolerances.

So the way that I react to that is, like, in the same vein of being like, oh, no, Leila's tantruming. What do we do? What do we. You know, whatever.

Right.

[Valerie]

That.

[Pete Holmes]

Then I go. I would want to go like, okay, well, it's my job to do whatever I need to do to make you not panic and you feel better. And so it would be a real opportunity for me to work on just being like, all right, that's cool. Well, I'll sit in this with you. It's not my responsibility to make you feel better, but I can be here for you and I can. I can hold it with you in this moment and hold space for it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it will pass.

This is like. I really think this is one of the, like, why don't people do things? And this is why.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it will bring up your shit.

That's right.

Exactly.

That's really what I think we're talking about. I just realized is, like, making change is really scary, even when it's a great change.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And now Talking about my 10 guys in a room, 10 people in a room, like, they are scattered a lot. I've been feeling not very present. I've been hustling. I've been sort of, like, booking things and planning things and trying to imagine how this life is gonna work. Like, talking about a couple months we'll be up there and we'll be doing pods from there, so you guys will get to hear about this. But, like, I. I can't picture it. So.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, even when we took a day trip up there yesterday, I'm like, this is great, because I can see that we went and we came back and it was okay. And that I want to do that when we're there. I went and did a set and I went back and it's okay.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I do get that a little bit of that. Because I've had other comedians make fun of me for. They. They're. They don't. They tease me like, you're going to make the same mistake twice because. But when we live. When I lived in Sleepy Hollow in my first wedding. Marriage.

Wait, wedding?

My first wedding. My first marriage.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

First of all, I hated Sleepy Hollow. No offense to people who live in Sleepy Hollow. I hated it.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we. And famously, to me, Tom Shalhou was like, it sounds like maybe you just did it too early. This actually feels like the right time.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

But to everybody out there that's making changes and it has a future in front of them, good or bad, that just. They don't know what it's like. Especially with a brain like mine, those guys, the men and women, my business people go into other rooms, and I just have fewer people in the main room telling me it's going to be okay. But then we keep getting all these winks from the universe. We were up there yesterday and we ran into these people and they were like, from la and they were telling us what a good choice we made. Kind of completely unprovoked. They were just like, this is the best decision you've ever made. I was like, maharaji. Like, I was like. It felt like I was being visited.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

By a wink from the universe.

You know that's right. It feels very aligned. It just is aligned. I did. It's very aligned. No, it feels very aligned. But it is a risk in the sense of making any big change is always a risk. There's unknown involved. My.

Again, my pain body says, I hope you're able to enjoy this place. And I know we will. We're just gonna figure it out.

That's gonna be the easy part.

No, I know. But have time to be there to enjoy.

[Valerie]

Yeah. You.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

I'm not saying I won't enjoy it. I'm like, will I be able to be there? Oh, I lost. I lost my train of thought. My pain body.

Your pain body says, I hope you'll be able to enjoy this place.

No.

Well, your pain body smoking a cigarette. Well, I hope you'll even be able to enjoy this place.

I don't remember.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well.

But I think that's. That's the universal topic. We're saying there are all of these self generated doubts making any major change.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that. And that's where we are. It's very exciting. It's like I say in my book, it's a good episode.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And there is a little bit of fear involved. I always tell people when they take mushrooms that like, you have to embrace the fact that it could be a bad trip. You have to like, not shy away from it. That's what actually gives a psychedelic experience the urgency. And then when it is delightful, you realize that that delight was in direct proportion to your fear of it not being delightful.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

As afraid of you. You were of it being bad is inversely how great it can be. And it only feels good because it could have been bad. Like, I'm not really even interested in the plant medicine. Things that don't have potential to be sort of goofy.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And in that same way I'm like, this is not. That's one of our mantras. It's not something for nothing. It's an hour and a half away. And I have to remember that it's not something for nothing. If I want Leela riding a Shetland pony over to the cabbage patch and picking her lunch, maybe Dada has to drive a little bit more.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And we've said this many times to each other, but never on the pod. My commute from here to. To apatow's office was 90 minutes. Two hours if there was traffic. And I did it every day with absolutely no problem.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because like life has been a lot about me. So I didn't. I leaned into it. I actually used to like it because it's when I listened to all my books and made all my phone calls and I. I famously. Famously I wrote a bit about it. I don't use ways I take the 10 because I like to sit and think and daydream and. And I'd come up with great ideas and all that stuff and I would do it no problem. For my dream.

Yeah.

And this is what feels like some grown ass person shit right here is like now I'm doing it not only for myself, obviously. I capital L. Love. Oh I love this house. Love this neighborhood. Can't wait to be there. But I'm also like doing this for someone else.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And it's just a new style of life that I'm so grateful that I've sort of evolved into which is like it's not just about me. It's like building a family.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Thinking of her on the like my joke is I need a picture of her on that pony like for my dashboard.

It's like the Simpsons thing.

Do it for her.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

So sweet. Well, thanks for everything you do to co create this beautiful life with me.

Well, we're really excited. I do think if I have any vulnerability hangover. I think because I'm so relaxed today that I'll be worried that people didn't get to hear the excitement.

Oh my gosh. We're so excited.

We've literally so to end with a little of that. We've watched the video of the house 17 times. Also the owners. So many houses are getting scooped up by like corporations or by very, very wealthy people. They just want to invest their money and they both. With this house in la, which was over seven years ago and this new house. Both of these families were very compassionate people that were like, oh, these are people that like want to like appreciate and live in the house.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And what an absurd. It's just like a really crazy thing that that's rare that most houses you see that go up and get sold right away with cash offers over asking. A lot of these are just people parking their money or our corporations. Like it's often like non domestic corporations that Just buy up huge swaths of real estate to sit on it and make money, because frankly, that's a great way to make money. Is real estate just kind of gains in value.

Right.

But it is a super dupes bummer to people, like, ordinary people trying to buy homes. And there is a little bit of hope there that I'm like, in both cases, we wrote a letter. In both cases, we just kind of explained our love of their place and that we wanted to raise our. Raise our family and all that stuff. But even if you don't have kids, you just. You want to live in the house and enjoy the area and like, be stewards of what they've made.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm happy to say that there are still some good people that are like, we'll read the letter and we'll actually take a smaller offer because it sounds like these people understand the vibe of our house.

[Valerie]

Yeah, that's really cool.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, it's really great. And we. It feels very much correct to picture, like, gardening and cooking dinner that, like, we grew and Leela playing in the pool and going and grabbing a bunny and an orange off the tree. Like, it just feels insane to say no to. If that's what we could do, if that. That's one of the choices, why wouldn't we?

Well, that's one. It's funny that you say that, because when. When we get a little like, he. Are we. Are we taking more than our share? I'm like, man, I know a lot of people that are doing a lot, quote unquote, better than us. Meaning they have more assets or whatever.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they don't do that. So it's. It's like one. If that's one of the plays. If that's what's written on your heart to do. Mm, boy. Boy, oh, boy.

Boy, oh, boy. I do have a poem, actually.

A poem.

It's. I think we've read it before on here, but. But if we have, it's been like over a year. Do you want the music? We don't need the music.

I was looking for it, but go ahead without.

Okay. It's. I Worried by Mary Oliver. I worried a lot. Will the garden grow? Will the rivers flow in the right direction? Will the earth turn as it was taught? And if not, how shall I correct it? Was I right? Was I wrong? Will I be forgiven? Can I do better? Will I ever be able to sing? Even the sparrows can do it and I am, well, hopeless. Is my eyesight fading? Or am I just imagining it? Am I going to get rheumatism, lockjaw, dementia. Finally, I saw that worrying had come to nothing and gave it up and took my old body and went out into the morning and sang.

Well, that is written above our sink.

Sure is.

I saw my worrying had come to nothing.

Mm.

Ah. That's been a huge. Sorry to bring it back, but with all the anxiety and all the stress and all the kind of like, can we do this? Should we do this? Is this the right thing? It's always helpful to just go like, there's no problem right now. You are not on fire.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You are not on fire.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's everybody except the one of you that is on fire.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Why are you listening to this?

It's not the time for a podcast. Stop, drop and roll. But you're not on fire is like a really. I feel like that's the thing written on the armor of the brave knight that's going off is like recognizing that there's nothing wrong. Right now, a lot of us that gets scared staying in the village, we're like, well, we might be on fire. It's like, I'm not on fire.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not on fire.

And then you go off. Yeah. I love that my worrying came to nothing.

Yeah.

Thank you, Val.

You're welcome. Thanks, everybody.

And don't forget, keep it crispy. I can't hear your wink.

I winked at the.