You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #94
Hosts: Pete Holmes & Valerie Chaney
Date: July 8, 2022

Episode Overview

In this intimate and philosophical episode, Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie Chaney delve into their “secret weirdness”—the little habits, anxieties, and existential thoughts that color ordinary life. The episode features discussions on negotiating power and flow in relationships, the pursuit of happiness, dealing with shame and intrusive thoughts, the limitations of manifesting, self-compassion, and the wisdom of surrender. Blending humor, vulnerability, and spiritual inquiry, Pete and Valerie explore both the everyday weirdness and the big questions about consciousness, fulfillment, and being present.

Main Topics & Insights

1. Microdynamics in Relationships (06:12–13:00)

• Pete and Valerie open with their recurring dynamic of Pete preparing for the podcast and awaiting Valerie, paralleling it with how urgency and “power” play out in daily routines and even sexual intimacy.
• "So much of life is these micro-arrangements, our negotiations… If you think in your relationship nobody's wearing the pants, chances are they're just being co-opted by your mom. Or by me." (Pete, 12:03)

2. Negotiating Power and Flow (13:14–16:04)

• They reflect on the myth of an equal, “pantsless” relationship, realizing that subconscious power dynamics are always at play, and true harmony comes from conscious flow and mutual influence.
• “There are times where we're going more with your current. And there are times we're going more with my current.” (Valerie, 13:34)
• Power isn’t “nasty”—it’s more like winds moving through a climate.

3. Love, Sacrifice, and Generational Change (13:45–17:29)

• Pete and Valerie compare modern relationships to those of past generations, questioning our aversion to sacrifice and the cultural belief that love is only about “feeling good.”
• “Our grandparents…overdid it. The whole 'you made a commitment,' and it’s like, yeah, but we made it to the community and to God." (Pete, 14:37)
• They share that true love may include sacrifice and compromise, but without becoming rigid or joyless.

4. Dopamine Loops & Technology Addiction (17:30–21:01)

• Both discuss their compulsive checking of emails and notifications, relating it to dopamine hits and the “rat pressing the button” phenomenon.
• “It’s a dopamine hit…It feels exactly like a rat pushing a button. And I do it all day…” (Valerie, 18:49)
• Pete likens the urge to check emails for exciting news to hoping HBO calls about a script.

5. Shame, Food, and Childhood Conditioning (25:05–33:37)

• Pete confesses to eating chicken wings despite being “a terrible vegan,” tying his guilt to childhood associations (pizza = “birthday boy”) and the psychology of shame from his Christian upbringing.
• “It’s Christian shame…there’s probably even a part of that that makes the chicken appealing—the shame about it.” (Valerie, 26:39)

6. The Weird Human Desire for “Being Naughty” (26:48–33:37)

• Eating meat or breaking one’s own rules is likened to adolescent rebellion—humans naturally crave some transgression.
• "We need to be talking about…the imp, the perverse, the need to do something that is off menu." (Pete, 26:48)
• Valerie views rigidity as unnatural; true life is about “flow.”

7. Cosmic Perspective & DMT Analogy (28:14–33:07)

• Pete expounds on birth, consciousness, and oneness, using the DMT trip analogy for arrival in this “whirlpool” of reality.
• This expands to a reflection on how social rules (being a “vegan,” for example) are a strange structure imposed on a fundamentally “flowy” world.

8. Self-Compassion and Mindfulness (33:37–36:34)

• Both discuss self-compassion as the antidote to shame. Valerie quotes her therapist: "Compassion to me is like, ‘it’s okay. I’m sure you had your reasons.'"
• Intrusive thoughts are explored with the help of Eckhart Tolle’s philosophy—thoughts are not personal, and thinking “just happens.”

9. Intrusive Thoughts, OCD, and Parenting (36:34–41:00)

• Valerie opens up about postpartum OCD and intrusive thoughts, an experience Pete also finds relatable as a parent.
• “The worst nightmare you can have as a parent isn’t that something else goes wrong, it’s that you do something wrong.” (Pete, 36:48)
• They normalize these experiences and show how sharing vulnerability helps dissolve shame.

10. Death, Meat, and Disconnection from Nature (41:00–52:04)

• Pete observes our detachment from the reality of death (food, funerals), arguing society would benefit from more honesty and ritual around death.
• “A bus ad drives by with a quarter pound of cheese on it—you know, that's death.” (Pete, 41:44)
• They discuss the “warrior” archetype and misdirected energies in modern society.

11. Happiness, Fulfillment, and Spiritual Teachings (53:00–66:54)

• Pete recommends sinking into awareness (“spelunking” into peace) as taught by Rupert Spira, and shares how finding happiness “within” is both ancient wisdom and a recurring personal revelation.
• "You're not doing anything. You're just... you're already there and just sink into it... that's where peace and happiness are.” (Pete, 53:44)

12. Emotional & Physical Pain: Mindfulness Tools (66:54–68:11)

• Pete and Valerie share how they mindfully approach both emotional and physical discomfort by “getting curious” instead of bracing or resisting.
• “Your system is incapable of making a feeling you can’t handle… You are bigger than any emotion that can run through you.” (Pete, 64:29)

13. Manifesting vs. Surrender: The Law of Attraction, The Tao, and Letting Go (71:53–88:51)

• Pete talks about manifesting a script for Jon Hamm (“The Secret”), why it didn’t pan out, and the peace that came from shifting to the Tao Te Ching’s wisdom of non-striving.
• “Want people’s approval, and you will be their prisoner. Desire safety and your heart will never unclench... Do your work, then step away—the only path to serenity.” (Pete, quoting Tao Te Ching, 76:23)
• Valerie and Pete both find the “think the right thought, get the right life” model stressful and ultimately untrue.

14. Integration: Manifesting, Surrender, and Internal Happiness (86:42–91:47)

• Valerie summarizes the value of “setting intentions” as reminders of what’s already true within us, encouraging listeners to focus on cultivating internal states (gratitude, compassion) over external outcomes.
• Pete reiterates Rupert Spira’s teaching: happiness is the natural state of consciousness; all external striving is ultimately in search of something already inside.

15. Being Present & The Beauty of the Process (93:38–96:12)

• Valerie shares a sweet affirmation from the Instagram account “It’s Lenny” about enjoying the ride instead of obsessing over outcomes.
• “Who gives an F about a photo finish splash? Just try to enjoy flying through the air for a sec. If you blink, you’ll miss it... I love you so much.” (Lenny, 93:39)
• Pete relates this to Alan Watts: “So much of us think we live as if life is a piece of music and the only part that matters is the dun dun dun at the end. That’s absurd. Listen to the music.” (95:04)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Relationships and Power:
  “If you think in your relationship nobody's wearing the pants, chances are they're just being co-opted by your mom. Or by me.” — Pete (12:03)
  “There are times where we're going more with your current...and there are times where we're going more with my current.” — Valerie (13:34)

• On Modern Love and Sacrifice:
  “I kind of hate ‘love is a choice,’ you guys.” — Valerie (15:02)

• On Technology Addiction:
  “It’s a dopamine hit…It feels exactly like a rat pushing a button.” — Valerie (18:49)

• On Shame and Food:
  “It’s Christian shame…there’s probably even a part of that that makes the chicken appealing—the shame about it.” — Valerie (26:39)
  “It’s coming on a magazine is what it is.” — Pete (26:44)

• On Compassion:
  "Compassion is the recognition that we are in a very strange situation. And it’s all... and therefore, it’s okay.” — Pete (33:37)

• On Intrusive Thoughts:
  “Thinking happens to you…your thoughts are not personal. They’re like radio frequencies that you pick up on.” — Valerie (39:29)

• On Suffering and Connection:
  “Give me just the right amount of suffering to ignite compassion…that’s the best thing suffering has to offer us.” — Valerie (56:45)

• On Manifesting & Surrender:
  “Want people’s approval, and you will be their prisoner...Do your work, then step away—the only path to serenity.” — Pete quoting the Tao (76:23)
  “It’s not about me; I am about life.” — Pete (77:06)

• On Inner Happiness:
  “The only game in town…is recognizing your true nature because it’s made of everything you’re looking for.” — Pete (89:47)

• On Presence and Enjoyment:
  “Who gives an F about a photo finish splash? Just try to enjoy flying through the air for a sec. If you blink, you’ll miss it.” — (Lenny’s affirmation, 93:39)

Episode Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|--------------| | Opening Banter & Podcast Start | 06:01 | | Morning Routines & Power Dynamics | 07:00–13:00 | | Relationships, “Wearing the Pants” Myth | 13:00–17:00 | | Technology, Dopamine, and Email Checking | 17:30–21:00 | | Shame, Food, and Childhood Conditioning | 25:05–33:37 | | Intrusive Thoughts & Parental Anxiety | 36:34–41:00 | | Death, Ritual, and Warrior Archetype | 41:00–46:44 | | Self-Compassion, Mindfulness, and Flow | 53:00–66:54 | | Manifesting, Taoism, & Letting Go | 71:53–88:51 | | Being Present & The Affirmation “It’s Lenny” | 93:38–96:12 |

Tone & Style

Warmly irreverent, spiritually curious, and vulnerably funny—the hosts balance lighthearted banter with honest explorations of anxiety, shame, parental fears, and the universal longing for peace and connection. Pete tosses in self-deprecating jokes and asides (“Pizza party!”), while Valerie grounds the conversation with mindfulness, therapeutic wisdom, and gentle reminders of compassion and acceptance.

Takeaways

• All humans have secret “weirdness”—habits, shame, difficult thoughts, needs for rebellion—and talking about them with compassion dissolves shame and isolation.
• The pursuit of happiness through external achievement is a universal but ultimately futile game—real peace comes from befriending our present experience and our own “beingness.”
• Relationship power is always shifting and best navigated with self-awareness, humor, and mutual respect.
• Manifesting can be fun and positive, but surrendering to the flow of life and letting go of outcomes brings deeper serenity.
• Openness about intrusive thoughts, compulsions, and struggles breaks the illusion of “aloneness”—everyone is flying through the air together.

Final Blessing:
"Who gives an F about a photo finish splash? Just try to enjoy flying through the air for a sec." — It’s Lenny affirmation (93:39)

Keep it crispy, babies! — Valerie (96:25)