We Made It Weird #94

Summary

You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes

Episode: We Made It Weird #94
Hosts: Pete Holmes & Valerie Chaney
Date: July 8, 2022

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Episode Overview

In this intimate and philosophical episode, Pete Holmes and his wife Valerie Chaney delve into their “secret weirdness”—the little habits, anxieties, and existential thoughts that color ordinary life. The episode features discussions on negotiating power and flow in relationships, the pursuit of happiness, dealing with shame and intrusive thoughts, the limitations of manifesting, self-compassion, and the wisdom of surrender. Blending humor, vulnerability, and spiritual inquiry, Pete and Valerie explore both the everyday weirdness and the big questions about consciousness, fulfillment, and being present.

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Main Topics & Insights

1. Microdynamics in Relationships (06:12–13:00)

• Pete and Valerie open with their recurring dynamic of Pete preparing for the podcast and awaiting Valerie, paralleling it with how urgency and “power” play out in daily routines and even sexual intimacy.
• "So much of life is these micro-arrangements, our negotiations… If you think in your relationship nobody's wearing the pants, chances are they're just being co-opted by your mom. Or by me." (Pete, 12:03)

2. Negotiating Power and Flow (13:14–16:04)

• They reflect on the myth of an equal, “pantsless” relationship, realizing that subconscious power dynamics are always at play, and true harmony comes from conscious flow and mutual influence.
• “There are times where we're going more with your current. And there are times we're going more with my current.” (Valerie, 13:34)
• Power isn’t “nasty”—it’s more like winds moving through a climate.

3. Love, Sacrifice, and Generational Change (13:45–17:29)

• Pete and Valerie compare modern relationships to those of past generations, questioning our aversion to sacrifice and the cultural belief that love is only about “feeling good.”
• “Our grandparents…overdid it. The whole 'you made a commitment,' and it’s like, yeah, but we made it to the community and to God." (Pete, 14:37)
• They share that true love may include sacrifice and compromise, but without becoming rigid or joyless.

4. Dopamine Loops & Technology Addiction (17:30–21:01)

• Both discuss their compulsive checking of emails and notifications, relating it to dopamine hits and the “rat pressing the button” phenomenon.
• “It’s a dopamine hit…It feels exactly like a rat pushing a button. And I do it all day…” (Valerie, 18:49)
• Pete likens the urge to check emails for exciting news to hoping HBO calls about a script.

5. Shame, Food, and Childhood Conditioning (25:05–33:37)

• Pete confesses to eating chicken wings despite being “a terrible vegan,” tying his guilt to childhood associations (pizza = “birthday boy”) and the psychology of shame from his Christian upbringing.
• “It’s Christian shame…there’s probably even a part of that that makes the chicken appealing—the shame about it.” (Valerie, 26:39)

6. The Weird Human Desire for “Being Naughty” (26:48–33:37)

• Eating meat or breaking one’s own rules is likened to adolescent rebellion—humans naturally crave some transgression.
• "We need to be talking about…the imp, the perverse, the need to do something that is off menu." (Pete, 26:48)
• Valerie views rigidity as unnatural; true life is about “flow.”

7. Cosmic Perspective & DMT Analogy (28:14–33:07)

• Pete expounds on birth, consciousness, and oneness, using the DMT trip analogy for arrival in this “whirlpool” of reality.
• This expands to a reflection on how social rules (being a “vegan,” for example) are a strange structure imposed on a fundamentally “flowy” world.

8. Self-Compassion and Mindfulness (33:37–36:34)

• Both discuss self-compassion as the antidote to shame. Valerie quotes her therapist: "Compassion to me is like, ‘it’s okay. I’m sure you had your reasons.'"
• Intrusive thoughts are explored with the help of Eckhart Tolle’s philosophy—thoughts are not personal, and thinking “just happens.”

9. Intrusive Thoughts, OCD, and Parenting (36:34–41:00)

• Valerie opens up about postpartum OCD and intrusive thoughts, an experience Pete also finds relatable as a parent.
• “The worst nightmare you can have as a parent isn’t that something else goes wrong, it’s that you do something wrong.” (Pete, 36:48)
• They normalize these experiences and show how sharing vulnerability helps dissolve shame.

10. Death, Meat, and Disconnection from Nature (41:00–52:04)

• Pete observes our detachment from the reality of death (food, funerals), arguing society would benefit from more honesty and ritual around death.
• “A bus ad drives by with a quarter pound of cheese on it—you know, that's death.” (Pete, 41:44)
• They discuss the “warrior” archetype and misdirected energies in modern society.

11. Happiness, Fulfillment, and Spiritual Teachings (53:00–66:54)

• Pete recommends sinking into awareness (“spelunking” into peace) as taught by Rupert Spira, and shares how finding happiness “within” is both ancient wisdom and a recurring personal revelation.
• "You're not doing anything. You're just... you're already there and just sink into it... that's where peace and happiness are.” (Pete, 53:44)

12. Emotional & Physical Pain: Mindfulness Tools (66:54–68:11)

• Pete and Valerie share how they mindfully approach both emotional and physical discomfort by “getting curious” instead of bracing or resisting.
• “Your system is incapable of making a feeling you can’t handle… You are bigger than any emotion that can run through you.” (Pete, 64:29)

13. Manifesting vs. Surrender: The Law of Attraction, The Tao, and Letting Go (71:53–88:51)

• Pete talks about manifesting a script for Jon Hamm (“The Secret”), why it didn’t pan out, and the peace that came from shifting to the Tao Te Ching’s wisdom of non-striving.
• “Want people’s approval, and you will be their prisoner. Desire safety and your heart will never unclench... Do your work, then step away—the only path to serenity.” (Pete, quoting Tao Te Ching, 76:23)
• Valerie and Pete both find the “think the right thought, get the right life” model stressful and ultimately untrue.

14. Integration: Manifesting, Surrender, and Internal Happiness (86:42–91:47)

• Valerie summarizes the value of “setting intentions” as reminders of what’s already true within us, encouraging listeners to focus on cultivating internal states (gratitude, compassion) over external outcomes.
• Pete reiterates Rupert Spira’s teaching: happiness is the natural state of consciousness; all external striving is ultimately in search of something already inside.

15. Being Present & The Beauty of the Process (93:38–96:12)

• Valerie shares a sweet affirmation from the Instagram account “It’s Lenny” about enjoying the ride instead of obsessing over outcomes.
• “Who gives an F about a photo finish splash? Just try to enjoy flying through the air for a sec. If you blink, you’ll miss it... I love you so much.” (Lenny, 93:39)
• Pete relates this to Alan Watts: “So much of us think we live as if life is a piece of music and the only part that matters is the dun dun dun at the end. That’s absurd. Listen to the music.” (95:04)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Relationships and Power:
  “If you think in your relationship nobody's wearing the pants, chances are they're just being co-opted by your mom. Or by me.” — Pete (12:03)
  “There are times where we're going more with your current...and there are times where we're going more with my current.” — Valerie (13:34)

• On Modern Love and Sacrifice:
  “I kind of hate ‘love is a choice,’ you guys.” — Valerie (15:02)

• On Technology Addiction:
  “It’s a dopamine hit…It feels exactly like a rat pushing a button.” — Valerie (18:49)

• On Shame and Food:
  “It’s Christian shame…there’s probably even a part of that that makes the chicken appealing—the shame about it.” — Valerie (26:39)
  “It’s coming on a magazine is what it is.” — Pete (26:44)

• On Compassion:
  "Compassion is the recognition that we are in a very strange situation. And it’s all... and therefore, it’s okay.” — Pete (33:37)

• On Intrusive Thoughts:
  “Thinking happens to you…your thoughts are not personal. They’re like radio frequencies that you pick up on.” — Valerie (39:29)

• On Suffering and Connection:
  “Give me just the right amount of suffering to ignite compassion…that’s the best thing suffering has to offer us.” — Valerie (56:45)

• On Manifesting & Surrender:
  “Want people’s approval, and you will be their prisoner...Do your work, then step away—the only path to serenity.” — Pete quoting the Tao (76:23)
  “It’s not about me; I am about life.” — Pete (77:06)

• On Inner Happiness:
  “The only game in town…is recognizing your true nature because it’s made of everything you’re looking for.” — Pete (89:47)

• On Presence and Enjoyment:
  “Who gives an F about a photo finish splash? Just try to enjoy flying through the air for a sec. If you blink, you’ll miss it.” — (Lenny’s affirmation, 93:39)

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Episode Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|--------------| | Opening Banter & Podcast Start | 06:01 | | Morning Routines & Power Dynamics | 07:00–13:00 | | Relationships, “Wearing the Pants” Myth | 13:00–17:00 | | Technology, Dopamine, and Email Checking | 17:30–21:00 | | Shame, Food, and Childhood Conditioning | 25:05–33:37 | | Intrusive Thoughts & Parental Anxiety | 36:34–41:00 | | Death, Ritual, and Warrior Archetype | 41:00–46:44 | | Self-Compassion, Mindfulness, and Flow | 53:00–66:54 | | Manifesting, Taoism, & Letting Go | 71:53–88:51 | | Being Present & The Affirmation “It’s Lenny” | 93:38–96:12 |

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Tone & Style

Warmly irreverent, spiritually curious, and vulnerably funny—the hosts balance lighthearted banter with honest explorations of anxiety, shame, parental fears, and the universal longing for peace and connection. Pete tosses in self-deprecating jokes and asides (“Pizza party!”), while Valerie grounds the conversation with mindfulness, therapeutic wisdom, and gentle reminders of compassion and acceptance.

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Takeaways

• All humans have secret “weirdness”—habits, shame, difficult thoughts, needs for rebellion—and talking about them with compassion dissolves shame and isolation.
• The pursuit of happiness through external achievement is a universal but ultimately futile game—real peace comes from befriending our present experience and our own “beingness.”
• Relationship power is always shifting and best navigated with self-awareness, humor, and mutual respect.
• Manifesting can be fun and positive, but surrendering to the flow of life and letting go of outcomes brings deeper serenity.
• Openness about intrusive thoughts, compulsions, and struggles breaks the illusion of “aloneness”—everyone is flying through the air together.

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Final Blessing:
"Who gives an F about a photo finish splash? Just try to enjoy flying through the air for a sec." — It’s Lenny affirmation (93:39)

Keep it crispy, babies! — Valerie (96:25)

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. You made it weird. You made it weird.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it with. Yes, you did. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Valerie Chaney]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

I know I always say it, but I. This one's awesome.

[Valerie Chaney]

This one was awesome. I feel like it was even maybe a little longer than usual.

[Pete Holmes]

90 minutes. Yeah, we usually do about an hour. Yeah, it was incredible. I loved it. Let's get to it as quickly as possible. July 12th is the next living at Largo. But any month you're listening to this, I do a live monthly standup show at Largo. Go to largo-la.com for tickets. Swallow. And if you enjoy this pod, why not show some support by trying a.

[Ad Reader]

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[Pete Holmes]

Excuse me.

[Ad Reader]

They're designed with moisture controlled bottle technology to protect the probiotic strains, which means you don't have to keep them in the fridge. In fact, a lot of the probiotics that you see that are in the refrigerated section in the grocery store, the reason they're in the fridge is because they're too fragile to survive any condition. So I They're not going to make it home is what I'm saying. You want ones that you can keep in the cupboard. So Symbiotic plus and Ritual are here to help celebrate, not hide your insides. There's no shame in your gut game and that's why Ritual is offering weirdos 10% off during your first three months. Visit ritual.com weird to start your ritual today or add symbiotic plus to your subscription today. Just like Val and I have. They have the most two of the world's most studied strains. With over 350 publications of human clinical trials. These are the best probiotics that I've ever found. Give them a try. Show your support of this podcast. I get into it also. We are brought to us by our friends at Living Libations. You guys know this. We are a Living Libations family. The Holmes Chaney family. The household. I've been for many years very careful about what I put in my body when it comes to what I eat and what I drink. But I noticed I wasn't being very careful about what I put on my body. I was buying shaving creams and face washes that I thought were fancy and good because I bought them at a mall kiosk and they had a French name and they were expensive. But of course these chemicals are made by corporations that don't give a shit about you and they're filled with toxicity levels and chemicals that are linked to disease. These things were never intended for the human body. And of course what you put on your body gets into your body. I want to eat food where I recognize the ingredients and I of course now want my skin care to be the same. Enter Living Libations. They've completely rehauled every product. This is a great way to support the show. By the way, if you have something that you use every day, I promise you Living Libations has a high end and natural replacement for the random chemical nightmare you may be buying at the pharmacy. For example, every morning, Lelo before she goes to preschool, we cover her in sunscreen. A lot of sunscreens that you see even on Amazon or whatever that say they're natural, they're not. They're just doing slightly better than the more chemically ones. But if you want a truly, truly natural zinc based sunscreen that you can feel good about slathering on your baby's sensitive skin every day, I get the Love the sun sunscreen from Living Libations. If you want to do what I do, I'd use their ginger exfoliating scrub, which is not only made with ingredients that I recognize as natural and real, but it's also the most badass exfoliant I've ever used in my life. Made with plants and oils and extracts that I recognize. And Zen shave is what I use to shave. It's a shaving balm that is so clean and so pure that you can actually use a dab of it to rub on your skin as aftershave afterwards. That's how clean and pure and great it is. And at night, both Val and I put the best skin ever moisturizer on our skin. Smells great, gets your skin feeling great, keeps your skin looking great before bed. But this is a great way to support the show. Like I said, whether you need something big or something small, just go to living libations.com and use promo code. This is different every month. So it's we love Weird. The first letter is capital. We capital. Love capital. Weird capital. You'll get 15% off anything you find on that website. And show your support of the show. And do your body, your teeth, your hair, your skin, your eyes. Do them all a favor while showing some support. We really appreciate it and thank you. Living Libations.

[Pete Holmes]

And we're back. All right, everybody, enjoy. We made it weird. Number 94.

[Valerie Chaney]

94. We're almost to 100.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. I love this. Like we did it first thing in the morning. I'm so glad we did and enjoy. I hope you enjoy it and get as much out of it as I did.

[Valerie Chaney]

Me too. I hope that as well. Go ahead and just get into it.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Valerie Chaney]

Is this a screensaver?

[Pete Holmes]

And turn these. Let me go ahead and turn these mics up. Slash read on.

[Valerie Chaney]

I always said it.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me turn these mics. I always read on.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay, let me try to say it this way. Whenever I see, you know, parentheses read yes, yes. I always read it red, red, red read.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh my God, it broke my noodle. Right up, right up, right off the top of the noodle.

[Valerie Chaney]

So like, if I were reading, I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

Gonna have a tiny sip of this coffee.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Of this.

[Pete Holmes]

I announce you. I announce it. Oh, I have something to say about this tiny coffee. Yeah, I wrote it down because you were taking your sweet time. I'm just kidding. I'm actually just kidding. I'm just kidding.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, but it is 99.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. Shut, shut. Like, the weirdest episode.

[Valerie Chaney]

Shut up. Shut up.

[Pete Holmes]

Everyone's like, oh, like, wow, something drastically.

[Valerie Chaney]

Happened since last week. Pete and Bell are not okay.

[Pete Holmes]

I. Well, I don't feel that way. But a lot of our podcasts do start with me in here.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

And I wait for you, and. And it's okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, but I want to talk about, you know what?

[Pete Holmes]

Like a guy who's on the edge. I'm twitching, and it's okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And it actually is okay. I took a moment, and I, I. That's when I thought, I'm going to talk about this tiny coffee.

[Valerie Chaney]

Okay. So I. This is how most podcasts start. You're correct. And what happens is we. We're like, are we going to podcast? We're like, yeah. And then I'm kind of getting things ready, and you go, all right, let's do it. And you go outside, like, and I go outside. Like, you go outside to the back house. Like, you're just like, okay. You, like, decide, and it's time.

[Pete Holmes]

Have we talked about this before? Because that is also my approach to sexual intercourse.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's like, we've decided and we're doing it now, and I'm, like, kind of in the middle of doing something, and.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I'm a skydiver approach.

[Valerie Chaney]

I have, like, a rebellion because I actually love, for some reason, and we've never talked about this, I love that you're in here waiting for me, and there's a part of me that wants to, like, make it last a little bit, like, almost.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. I love it. I love this.

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't know exactly why, except for there might be this rebellious spirit of, like, you decided. All right, we're going. And, like. And then there's a little part of me that's like, I'll go when I'm good and ready.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I see.

[Valerie Chaney]

But I also do have stuff to do. I'm not just sitting there. No, no, no, don't finish.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't change the sub to something less that. I mean, that is very interesting what you're telling me.

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't really understand it.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's why I think it bears discuss, because I think It's. I completely understand. I think, like, so much of life is these micro arrangements, our negotiations of. I don't even like to think of us this way because I don't think we think of ourselves this way, but it's like power, right? What?

[Valerie Chaney]

I don't even like to think of us this way because I don't think we think of ourselves this way. It was just a great little riddle.

[Pete Holmes]

But. Meaning, I don't. In my first marriage.

[Valerie Chaney]

Spit her name out your mouth. Spit on.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm very chill. But, like, punctuated. Yeah, I am very chill. We're doing this first thing in the morn, and I really want to talk about morns.

[Valerie Chaney]

I cannot wait to talk about mourns.

[Pete Holmes]

I wrote it down. First thing, mornings.

[Valerie Chaney]

Mornings. We have mornings.

[Pete Holmes]

Don't.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

You can refinement. It's.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

I can't even really read that. I was gonna say retirement.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah. Refinement.

[Valerie Chaney]

Law of at. Okay, I know what that is.

[Pete Holmes]

I know what that one is.

[Valerie Chaney]

Rupert. Cd.

[Pete Holmes]

Story.

[Valerie Chaney]

Story. Oh, I love that story.

[Pete Holmes]

So that's what I did when I was waiting for your slow candy ass. No.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But we don't. In my first marriage, we always used to talk about. Oh, God, this makes me sick. It's like, there will be blood where he goes. If I saw that house, I think it would make me sick. Like, it's like when you see your old life. Yeah, but that's not what he means. But anyway, we used to talk about how the key to our relationship being so successful was that neither of us wore the pants. And I was like, that's the key. No pants. That was like, one of my jokes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Cute, eh?

[Pete Holmes]

It is, but it just. It's saccharine to me, and it just sort of makes me feel queasy.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah, I get it.

[Pete Holmes]

Because there were pants. Like, if I could go back, I'd be like, yes, but there are pants. And really, the reality is my mother is wearing a good portion of those pants.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Like that. Put that no pants theory. It's like the movie the Master, right? Everybody has a master. Is the point of the movie the Master.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, I just got that.

[Pete Holmes]

Did you?

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And except Freddie. Who's. Who's the vagabond? Yeah, Freddie's sort of his own master, but the master has his wife and the wife has the cause. And I can't really break it down. But the point is, nobody doesn't serve somebody. And if you think in your relationship nobody's wearing the pants, chances are they're just Being co opted by your mom. Or like. Or by me. Like, I think I probably was kind of quietly wearing the pants passive aggressively. Well, we moved to Chicago. Yeah, that smells like motherfucking pants, man. She didn't want to move to Chicago. Then we moved to New York. That smells like motherfucking pants, man. She didn't want to move to New York and then she had an affair. I mean, that's how badly I'm not shitting on her. That's how badly she didn't want to be doing what we were doing. That's pants. And. And power isn't nasty. It should be appreciated that there are winds. There's differing winds in a relationship. It's like a climate and the wind is moving in different ways, just like on earth. And occasionally if. If two, I'm going to say strands of wind get on the same page and blow in the same direction. That's really powerful. And that's what. That's what it is. When two minds come together or a relationship comes together and decides to. To blow in the same direction. But to ignore power is really a way to let it just be unconscious. It's a way of. So in our relationship. Yeah, I like that you shared that. Because if you thought that I was some sort of pants wearing mastermind of the relationship, I don't think you would have been necessarily comfortable to share that. To be like, I know you run in here and I kind of like to mess with you or whatever. Like. That's funny. That sounds like a nice little pants wrap.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I, Yeah, the, The. I think. I can't. I'm just. You're helping me wonder. I mean, think of like.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Exactly.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because I would have liked the idea of like no pants, but really, it's like we both wear pants. We. And there are times where there's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's exactly my point.

[Valerie Chaney]

Some people were kind of going more with your current. And there are times where we're going more with my current.

[Pete Holmes]

And we just precise amounts, sort of.

[Valerie Chaney]

This. I don't know if I can look at this. This is too mesmerizing.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, screensaver went on. Valerie, I completely hear you. And this is something that Richard's been talking about. Did I already talk about this on the podcast? That like pop culture and western society just thinks love is a good feeling.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, you might have. But let's hear it again.

[Pete Holmes]

But we think it's. It just means feeling good. And I certainly do not feel good. And many times in my life have agreed with that. And you and I aren't sure. I don't think modern society is sure. To what degree? Like, sacrifice and putting someone else's needs ahead of yours is still in the picture? Because, honestly, like, I know I sound like an old man right now. I really think our. Maybe our grandparents or maybe our parents. I don't know about our parents, but our grandparents certainly, potentially, in our view, overdid it. The whole, like, you made a commitment, and it's like, yeah, he just threw a plate at your face or whatever. Or you threw a plate at his face, or you hate each other. It's like, yeah, but we made a commitment to the community and to God, and you got to stick to it. And there's good times and bad times, and I'm like, your good times are, like, 10 times worse than our bad times. But, like.

[Valerie Chaney]

Or, like, love is a choice.

[Pete Holmes]

I hate love as a choice.

[Valerie Chaney]

I kind of hate love is a choice, you guys. And I bet there are people who.

[Pete Holmes]

Are listening that are making that choice.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Who really feel that.

[Pete Holmes]

But that's my question. Like, how much of it is where you go. Like, look, it's rough right now, but, like, I'm putting their needs and also the relationship as its own thing ahead of my comfort right now.

[Valerie Chaney]

I just. I don't know, really, because we haven't really gone through, like, a dark. We haven't gone through a dark period where we're like, are we gonna make it? You know? Whereas, like, most of my friends who have been together nine years, like, we have. They've gone through that multiple times.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

But to me, it just. It always feels like how I feel about Leila, where it's like, even if it is hard, for a moment, you're like, it's hard. And of course, there's, like, nowhere else on earth that I would rather be.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, it's funny. We should all be so lucky to be so in love. That seems like almost like a fable kind of thing. Like, the so enamored person that will. Because they're so enamored, will suffer and will put their needs ahead of them and all that. I just. Like, we don't have that. Like, we don't have postponing gratification, and.

[Valerie Chaney]

We don't know in Western society.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And modern society. Like, even we were watching the Julia Child documentary last night, and even the fact that they, like, wrote letters. Like, she wrote her first cookbook by mail, and it took 12 years. And I was like, that's like, some Old Testament stuff right there. Like, I'd like To marry your daughter. And it's like, well, work for me for seven years. And then Jacob did it. And then he said seven more. Like, I feel like so much of life was like that.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And they have less time. They were living shortly.

[Pete Holmes]

You are so right.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's wild.

[Pete Holmes]

You're gonna have a good three years with her when this is done. And it was worth. And you know what? It was worth it, Jacob. But even email, you know, that. That sort of takes us into my morning's talk is I. I decided I was like, I'm not going to check my email. I hate checking my email. I. And look, I have emails I have to reply to, but I'm going real. I'm going deathbed today.

[Valerie Chaney]

Meaning I'm gonna do it.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, Meaning if I were on my deathbed, I'd be like, you know. You know when you have a day get away from you, like you have the flu or.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or like something goes goofy. Why can't that just happen? Because I'm saying it's happening. I know whenever a podcast cancels and I'm like, I should just take the next two or three hours off, because that's what I would have been doing. But no. Back at that. Just the rat pushing the button. There's so much of our lives is just the rat pushing the button. Because what if I can even feel it in my belly? Really? On the top of my belly, Just like if my belly was a globe. The sun is rising in the north. It just illuminates the top. And I feel the hope that maybe there's an email. Like, I sent a script to hbo Max. Maybe the email is in there that says, pete, this is the best script we've ever read. Are you available to talk today?

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, yeah, that email.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie, this is compassion we can extend to ourselves. Meaning I'm extending it to myself. Of course. You want to look.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Every five minutes.

[Valerie Chaney]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Because maybe that's in there. It's a lot. No, I will bet a large. Just not that. That's not the wording, but it's not in there. What were you gonna say?

[Valerie Chaney]

Baby, It. It's a dopamine hit. And that's exactly what it feels like. It feels exactly like a rat pushing a button. And I do it all day where I check Instagram and see if I have any, like, messages or whatever. Any sort of red notification.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And then if I don't, I check an email. And I really don't have a lot of exciting emails that could come in. I just look, because I have so much garbage in my email, I'm very bad at unsubscribing to things. And I just look for any sort of email that, like, you know, if.

[Pete Holmes]

You market as spam, Gmail will ask you, do you want to unsubscribe?

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, really? Oh, that's good. I don't know if you can. So I could do that to eat if I like, could I select all and not select all, but could I select them?

[Pete Holmes]

That's a good question. That. That's an experiment you're gonna have to run yourself. My feeling. Yeah, but you can't do it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, anyway, I. So yesterday I got an email that was. Or I got two emails. One was for like Leela's summer camp, and then the other one was for people who are helping us move, like organizers who are helping us move. And those were.

[Pete Holmes]

You mean the Go To Girls?

[Valerie Chaney]

The Go To Girls. The best in the business.

[Pete Holmes]

Counties Premier. They're wonderful.

[Valerie Chaney]

They're fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

I like having them in my house. And I don't mean that I don't like having people in my house, but strangers in your house.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And like, really not. Not your favorite. It's like two friends.

[Valerie Chaney]

They are the sweetest.

[Pete Holmes]

Two sweet friends are there.

[Valerie Chaney]

Sweetest couple and they will do anything. Like they really. The name is really perfect because it's like, yes, they're organizers, but also, did you need packing and unpacking? And did you also need a light fixture hung? And did you also need art hung? Like, they'll do everything.

[Pete Holmes]

They're go to.

[Valerie Chaney]

They're so great. Anyway, edit that out. Check them out.

[Pete Holmes]

No, not check out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Check them out and then edit that out.

[Pete Holmes]

Edit that out and then check it out.

[Valerie Chaney]

But the, like, the dopamine hits I got just from those two emails, it was ridiculous. I'm just looking for. What? Like, what is it? I just want some acknowledgment that I exist or something. Like, it really is.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's cheaper. Not. Not you, my love. I don't know though. I think the rat in the cage thing is a little disturbing to me. Yeah, it's just one of the things technology has shown us. And we're talking to somebody who ordered a sneaky pizza. A sneaky pizza last night.

[Valerie Chaney]

You sure did.

[Pete Holmes]

Meaning I had eaten dinner. I do intermittent. I do intermittent fast.

[Valerie Chaney]

When I'm not eating pizza.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry, I'm having a Joe Rogan experience. When I'm not. When I'm not eating pizza at 9pm, I'm intermittent f.

[Valerie Chaney]

I do intermittent fasting. I do 16 on, 8 off.

[Pete Holmes]

You are like, you really are just like a type of funny that, like, just. It's like you're reading your favorite book and you realize two pages are stuck together and you go, there's. There's. That would be 1, 2. Two more pages to this book that I didn't know existed. That. That feeling. It's like, it's a discussion. Discovery of fun. I guess what I mean is, like, a lot of my friends are funny in a surprising way, but not in the pages stuck together way.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, that's really nice. I. That's my favorite kind of funny is when somebody that I know really well surprises me with something that they say. That's. That's what made me laugh.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, you really surprised me. And it's never like, not to put down comedians, but we're always like. And then there's jizz. Like, that's like. That's like what? Like what? Me and my friends are always. Because we love the license. Like, we can say anything. So you'd be like. And then reference tragedy and then reference canceled celebrity, and then, you know, whatever you want to do. Like, we. We just can't get enough of just like, trying to shock each other.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's so funny because you made a reference to pages being stuck together and it didn't even occur to me to make a jizz joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I didn't mean jizz.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know you didn't mean that.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just saying I meant they were so thin, like butterfly wings.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, I knew what you meant. I'm just saying, to prove your point, there was even an opportunity for me to make a jizz joke.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, that's right. Oh, I see.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't want to share what I was going to say. Let's just say there were jizz. There was jizz.

[Valerie Chaney]

Let's just say there will be jizz.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, I'm going to say it. There were pornographic magazines that were sort of communal in high school. Like, people had them and sometimes there would be jizz on them.

[Valerie Chaney]

Of course.

[Pete Holmes]

I know, but like, jizzing on something. I'm speaking as. This is somebody who's tried jizzing on things. Like a magazine.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Odd. Oh, no. Who's tried every te. Teenagers are narcy barsties.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Especially boys.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't mean girls. I meant teenage boys. Anyway, I'm full of shame. I. I'm not full of shame. No, I'm. I'm done. I'm done with shame. Weren't you talking about. No. What were we watching? It was Joe Dispenza.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

He was like, when you get up in the morning. We're back to mornings. He's like, when you get up in the morning, say, like, I'm gonna be the best version of myself this morning today. And that is. Like, we've talked about priming before, but those first thoughts. I've been doing this. I say, yes, thank you out loud every morning, first thing, and it makes a huge difference. And I really think, like, the way you're laying the track for your Hot Wheels, you're that orange track, and that's what you're doing in the morning, and it's really magical and powerful. And if. And if you come out and he says, I'm done with. I'm done with this shame. Like, I'm done with it. Yeah, fucking get out of here. And I'm done with this fear. And I was having that last night because I ate late at night, and it wasn't that late. I stopped by nine, and then. I'm fasting now. All right, all right, Joe. I think Joe is. Joe Rogan is watching me.

[Valerie Chaney]

I thought it was Joe Dispenza. I was like, he doesn't care.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right. I'm more of a Joe Dispenza than a Joe Rogan.

[Valerie Chaney]

That really does describe you.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Hilarious. But because I ate late, I had. You're just attacked by all these. You just. It was regular pizza, too. It was not veg pizza. And if I'm being honest, I had a couple chicken wings, and I'm not proud of it. I'm a terrible vegan. Sometimes once or twice a year, I will just get a direct order that says, eat chicken wings. And it's because I want to hear what you have to say, but I'm feeling guilt, and I have to let it all out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, you know what I'm about to say. Instant.

[Pete Holmes]

I know. But I really believe it's beautiful to be vegan, and I don't want to let down my vegan friends listening or whoever. Whoever this phantom is.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But I think it's because when I was a kid, and this is what makes talking about food so tricky. Like, pizza and wings was just it. It was. It meant, you're the birthday boy. And last night you mentioned. I spent the whole day trying to book the podcast, which isn't usually. Usually stressful. And I had done all these, like, things I didn't want to do. Like, I worked out. I couldn't wait to Say that I meditated. I love doing this list. I booked the podcast. I took care of all this stuff, and then I was just like, you're the birthday boy. I had to do it. And I think I was actually hungry. This is a snooze. What were you gonna say?

[Valerie Chaney]

I was just gonna say I don't think the problem is that you occasionally eat chicken. I feel like it is your own. Yeah. Guilt around it. That you're like.

[Pete Holmes]

It's Christian shame.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

That you're. And there's probably even a part of that that makes the chicken appealing. The shame about it.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, sure. It's coming on a magazine is what it is.

[Valerie Chaney]

Exactly.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's the same. Valerie, you're the queen. We need to talk. This is why I firmly believe this podcast matters. And there is meaning. Conversations like this matters. It doesn't have to be this podcast, but people are meeting in a Ruby Tuesdays in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and having chats like this as well. And that's beautiful. And we need to be talking about. We talk about it all the time. The imp, the perverse, the need to do something that, like, is off menu. Something strange. For me, it's eating chicken wings. I suppose I'm lucky for Dexter. It's murdering people.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes, exactly.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I. I think Dexter's a documentary.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, I also wonder if there's. You know, we get so rigid as a protective measure. Like, our thinking minds want to be as rigid as possible. Meaning we have ways that we. We're black and white. We have things that we do, things that we don't do. This is good. This is bad. You're good if you do this. You're bad if you do that. And we have our little rules, and we follow our little rules. And then. And that just isn't life. Like, the nature of life is flow. Any sort of rigidity is unnatural. So it's like there is a part of us that knows that, and we're like, fuck the rules.

[Pete Holmes]

I. First of all, I love what you're saying. I often think about Leela arriving here and we all arrived here, and this is a DMT trip. Like, I've never smoked NN dmt, but that's the one where you go into, like, the black neon, like, it's indescribable. Other reality and entities are always there trying to, like, calm you down and welcome you. You know, people have. Your results may vary, but from what I've seen trip reports, people are like, there's almost always, like, aliens that come out, like, Five dimensional beings that want to like acclimate you to that environment.

[Valerie Chaney]

They're real. It's usually that they're very happy that you're there.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And they really can't wait for you to show. They really can't wait to show you around.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie Chaney]

Which I always just think is significant because we already went through that. Like that's what Leila went through when she was born. That's what we went through when we were born.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes.

[Valerie Chaney]

These weird looking things came out and we were like, you're here. We love you. Look, a feather. A feather, that's right.

[Pete Holmes]

And when you consider that, when again, I've never smoked it and I don't. I'm not sure I ever will. I have a feeling I might, but I'm, I'm, I'm still on the fence these days. I'm leaning no.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But when you do it again. Tripp reports. Terence McKenna reports. There's a feeling of a contraction around you birth canal and a shooting out.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

There's a feeling of being.

[Valerie Chaney]

You just have a birth experience.

[Pete Holmes]

You have a birth experience. Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And like a first year of life experience, it seems. Or first.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, some people have. That's. There's a. I don't want to get into the reasons I don't want to do it. But like it is an eternal. It's a timeless experience. Meaning, like it, it's short, but it's also like I had an entire life or whatever it may be and you know, there's. It could go anyway. That's really the thing. Just like coming into this world.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It can come, it can go any way. And I like to think my feeling is there is like an election to come here. Like I feel like is this is, this is all. I don't know if this is like literally true, but it feels true to me that we had work to do and we elected the Earth Program, we went to Earth and that. That's to me what the Garden of Eden is about. Is like we chose to eat the apple. We were in the garden, we chose to eat the apple because we wanted to. And then we were kicked out of the garden out of oneness into this. Because we wanted to. We wanted all of it.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Any who's a woozle. What was I saying? Oh, dmt. Okay. So Leila shows up here, she has a birth experience and she is, she doesn't even know that she's not the table.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She's just awareness and it takes her a while to figure out that she's in a body. She's. She just. She came. In my mythology, she came from a place of oneness, and then she went into a place of separateness. It actually took her a while to figure out that the other things were treating her as a separate thing. And by the time she's about seven, she'll have no memory of even thinking she was everything. She'll just be Leela in her body. This is how it goes. This is why they baptize in the Catholic Church around that age, because that's when the separation kind of really sinks in. And you can see it in kids that age, and you can see the. The unity of consciousness in kids that are under seven. Not to say that there aren't exceptions to this, but anyway, when I start believing the shit, the rules of this, I think of it as, like, putting every paint color on one of those palettes that the guy with the Afro holds. What's his name? Bob.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, Bob Ross.

[Pete Holmes]

Bob Ross. Every. There's, like, all these dollops of color, and you just smear it once. Not into a mush, but you smear it once. So there's just a smear. And let's say that's now a river. Just a river of every color of paint. Now let's say it's a whirlpool, and it's moving like that. That's reality. And then eventually, I've been in that whirlpool long enough that I go like, nope, this is my belt, these are my pants, these are my shoes. And I am a vegan. And I'm not saying there aren't beautiful things we can do in this whirlpool. But, like, don't forget, like, it's. It's this. It's as real and as unreal as a DMT trip. And it's a strange. Don't forget how strange it is and how flowy it is. Did I stick the landing on that point? I'm just saying it's weird to be in a whirlpool of every color in a place that took me seven years to acclimate to. And then it's a strange choice now that I have my footing in this strange swarm of molecules. It's a weird choice for me to be, like, I feel bad that I ate chicken.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right?

[Pete Holmes]

Like, it's one of the things. You can have that trip if you want.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or you can go like, yeah, man, these things are fucking weird. I had a conversation with my mom. I'm stressed about booking the podcast, and I Have this. I have countless memories of eating this stuff on my birthday, and I just wanted a treat. Yes, like that. Compassion is going. That's it. Compassion is the recognition that we are in a very strange situation. And it's all. And therefore, it's okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're not the first and you're not the last.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right? Compassion.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sorry, Val, we're out of time. I'm glad that got you. I was a little worried that it was too rude.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, it was really great. Well, compassion is the antidote to everything, to suffering. It really is. But really, is this, like, you know, what's. Compassion to me is like, it's okay. I'm sure you had your reasons. You know, like, being like, it doesn't mean that we. Everything you do is okay. But it's like, that didn't come because you just were born bad and you're a rotten egg. And like, these things that we tell ourselves.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. Or that wasn't me. Which we've been talking about.

[Valerie Chaney]

Or that wasn't me.

[Pete Holmes]

Something came over me and it wasn't me. Motherfucker. It was me. Pete wanted to eat chicken.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's okay.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, the reason we're using this benign example is because I think it applies to other things. Losing your temper or whatever it might be.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, absolutely. And the. This is something my therapist always says. Well, two things. One is, she's always talking about, like, how we are so braced against life, we don't even realize we're just walking around braced against life, like, guarded, guarding our hearts, or hyper vigilant and trying to get like your. Because your thinking mind is always trying to be, like, one step ahead so that it doesn't get surprised. So. So then you're just never actually like, in the present moment. And it's trying to always make a plan and organize, and it gets very, very rigid. And like, obviously the opposite of that is just being in your body, flowing with nature, kind of observing life with a friendly curiosity. Oh, wow, it's so interesting. Like, had this desire for chicken, and I gave into it, and here we are. And that's something that happened as opposed to, like, well, which category does this fit in? Like, what. What little notch do I put this color marble in? You know? Like, that's what our brains are just up there doing the entire time. It's just like putting the little. Like a Montessori school, putting the little beans in different categories. And. And like, you know, when you're in your body It. Because your body is so natural. Natural meaning, like, of this earth. It obeys the laws of nature, like, everything. It's like, yeah, we got a season of this this morning. Yesterday, we had a conversation about intrusive thoughts.

[Pete Holmes]

I was hoping you would talk about the Eckhart Tolle thing. You told me.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

What were you gonna say, though?

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, we had a conversation of, like, intrusive thoughts. Like, having just, like, the worst kinds of thoughts about, you know, just the worst kinds of things.

[Pete Holmes]

The worst nightmare you can have as a parent isn't that something else goes wrong, it's that you do something wrong.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And when I was postpartum, I mean, I will share just in case anybody went through this, I had just a touch of postpartum ocd, which is where you have intrusive thoughts about, like, horrible things happening to your child. And I had. I only had it every once in a while, but. And I would have, like, what if I black out? And then I, like, come to you and I've done something bad?

[Pete Holmes]

This is a powerful realization and a beautiful. That's what I was saying too. I had that the other night. I had a dream where I wasn't helping Leila. It was too disturbing to talk about, but I think it's important to talk about because this is part of parenting. It's like. And you feel guilty. I woke up in the middle of the night. It was like, three in the morning. And I just went and checked on her. It was really sweet. It's one of those moments where it was almost worth it just for the sweetness of, like, getting up. And we always call Leela the celebrity. It's like, there's this celebrity sleeping, and it's like. It's like, wow, It's. It's a million Tom Cruise's better than Tom Cruise.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

There's no amount of Tom Cruise's that's equal to the Leela. And you go in and you just put your hands on her, and she moves, and you're just like, oh, this moment so precious. And it was born of suffering. But then when I was telling you about it, first of all, I said to you, I kept it very mild, but the dream itself was mild. It was more the feeling of the dream. But I was like, by rights, I think you could have been, like, mad at me for sharing it. I've had relationships like that. The, like, why would you even tell me that relationship? Or the, like, now I don't trust you relationship? And I mentioned that in some. That I've Been in. It's like they would passive aggressively, a few months later, maybe be like, I had a dream that you did something to Leela. Like, that's how they would say, I don't trust you or whatever. I know, but you were like. It was like taking one of your mindfulness classes. You were like. You told me about intrusive thoughts. You told me about how you've had that. So immediately I just. All my shame went away. And then you were like, and Eckhart Tolle. And I've heard this before. God, it's hard to find something I haven't heard before. But when it sinks in, when it gets past that epidermis and gets into your blood is really. And it happens over and over when a spiritual teaching gets into you. And you were like, eckhart Tolle says you don't think.

[Valerie Chaney]

Thinking happens.

[Pete Holmes]

Thinking happens to you.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I was like, and your thoughts are not personal. They're like radio frequencies that you pick up on.

[Pete Holmes]

Right.

[Valerie Chaney]

So it's like kind of like thoughts just kind of come in and out. It's not you. It's not who you are.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, the reason I had the dream and the dream wasn't this, but I had been getting stoned and watching. I like watching people on YouTube play the video game Hitman perfectly. And by perfectly, I don't mean running. For all you youtubers making hitman videos, don't run through the level. Do it cinematic. Walk through the level. Suit only. Silent assassin. And I want to see you do it like it's a movie. And I really like it. Hitman. I already told you this, Val. The game where you're a hitman, obviously, but there's something very, like, hide and seek about it. It's very cozy and a little bit snowed in. So it, like, helps me relax in this weird way.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But in my dreams then I started having this, like, hitman dream, which led to the disturbing dream. Your dream is just like, dealing with these images, and I'm not anti these. We have to deal with death and we have to, you know, exercise those. Those fears and that. Like, I don't say, I'm not saying, like, let's deny it, but, like, it gets death in the mix. So when you mentioned that, like, your dreams aren't personal.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And if you're before bed watching those videos. Yeah, of course it's in there. So, like, relax.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you're seeing. You're seeing so much death. I was even saying, and this is not anti meat. I think we'd Be doing better as a society if those who ate meat did the killing. And that sounds like I'm saying, fuck you. You want to eat meat, you kill it. I'm not even saying that. And maybe not even everybody, but at least have an awareness of where it comes from. If you would say, see the animal brought back by the hunting tribe and cooked, that would be better than just like, this. Anonymous. Like, you're eating how many hundreds of animals in every bite of a burger? You have no sense of where it came from. Same with our plants, by the way. But it's a little more bloody when death is involved. So what I was gonna say was, like, a bus ad drives by with a quarter pound of cheese on it. You know, that's death. Like, death is being fed into you from every angle. And we're not talking about it, and we have no connection to it. Our dead bodies are hidden from us. They're given makeup and suits and they remove their. You know, they even take off, like, bad parts. I remember somebody in my family died at a huge. What we call a front porch. A big belly. He didn't have it. Yeah, they took it off. Yeah, he looked skinny. It's like, this is fucking weird. And makeup and they so not to be. The eyes are closed, all that stuff. No. No connection. All of this denial of our food and the death that's involved with that and our people, it's all boxes and ceremony. I'm saying, I think would be a less violent culture if we just had a little bit more honesty about what's going on, and it would be okay. I'm actually saying something that's not vegan y. I'm saying something that's just a little more Native American y. A little more Amazon tribey, where, like, you know, where you're supposed to be.

[Valerie Chaney]

You have a connection to it.

[Pete Holmes]

We killed this, right? We killed this. And that's good. It was provided for us.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean, we kind of talked about this a little bit already this morning. But, like, it occurred to me that maybe some of this violence, some of it. Because I think it also comes from tribalism, and it definitely comes from fear. But some of this violence might also come from just this, like, biological delay where we still, on some level, think we have to kill to survive. And, like, there's a. There's just this, like, itch or energy that isn't getting dispersed in healthy ways.

[Pete Holmes]

It's. It's the warrior, the magician, the lover, and the king are the four archetypes of men.

[Valerie Chaney]

So we have all these warriors that, like, should be shown how to, like, you know, exercise or healthy weight.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. But warriors are super essential, and not just in the battlefield, but warriors. And I'm not an expert on this. This was explained to me by the delightful Richard. Richard Rohr. And he's an expert on it, but he was talking about, like, warriors. And this sounds so bad, but they take orders like, they believe in code. They believe in codes. They believe in something bigger than themselves, and they serve the king.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, guys, that is every sous chef. That is every. You know what I'm saying? That is every. I don't know how. Offices. I know there's the CEO, but there's the people that are, like, running it. That's warrior energy. Like, yeah, it's necessary. We always say building bridges or making vaccines. There are warriors in that mix. It doesn't necessarily mean the sword represents decisiveness and power and also belonging to an army and all that sort of stuff. Anyway, it's good. But we don't have a lot of slots for energy because so much is done for us.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right. And we haven't figured out the new modern way to channel that energy. Not to mention that we haven't told or taught people how to, like, process their pain.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Because they were isolated. Like, we're. I don't. I'm. I'm guessing that back when we needed, like, people to go and kill animals and, you know, hunt and gather, that also we were processing pain with the community. So there wasn't, like, maybe there were occasionally people who really snapped and started, like, killing members of their own community. But I think that is a relatively new thing because we're so isolated. So then these people aren't dealt. Aren't told how to deal with their pain, and they feel all alone. And then they have this warrior energy, and then they lash out against their community and against innocent people. So it's just like, what an interesting thing, going back to your swirl thing, that this is the game we're in, where it feels like there are some. We're evolving. Right. So then that means that there are some systems that are not updated. Like, they need to be updated to match the external world.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is one of the goofiest things about humanity, is you're taking modern society, modern invention, but then you have to apply them to these, like, archaic things, like our fear systems and our relational systems, and even just the. The way our body works and needs food and needs sleep. And like, that's why we love. I mean, I. We Keep telling it like, AI taking us over. There's almost this like, perverse.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Pleasure we take in going like, and one day we'll be robots because the robots won't die or get sick. And like, so you kind of go like, isn't that the way I happen to think? I don't know. They talk about this on the Orville. It's like, is Isaac the Robot on the Orville? It's a sci fi show. Is he sentient or is he just such a sophisticated program that he can present as sentient? And I'm always, I don't know, I'm always like, when an AI is idling, is it just aware? Is it possible to have just like a sense of awareness? And that is my fascination is just tripping out on that sort of cold. Not cold bad, but like cool, spacious awareness that's infinite and peaceful. That I think is what awareness is. And like, maybe it's weird to think in a thousand years I'll sound like a bigot.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, that's interesting. That's possible.

[Pete Holmes]

And so you know what I'm saying?

[Valerie Chaney]

But it also, we.

[Pete Holmes]

But if the robots listening to this are like, no, when I idle, I am here, then welcome.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Right?

[Valerie Chaney]

There's a self aware. It has to be self aware. But it is interesting to think of because I'm gonna get this a little wrong, I think, but like in Buddhism there's. There's sort of two consciousnesses. There's like relative consciousness and absolute consciousness. So there's like that pure awareness that can never. Is never born, can never die. The like, the awareness that you are often talking about. The like non, dual, sort of just spacious, vast awareness, lives outside of time. And then there's the consciousness that I think a lot of materialists and like atheists think of as consciousness, which is just like my. Our brains, you know, got ignited and there, there's wires that are firing and that's the thinking mind, the consciousness.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm glad you pointed that out because I certainly don't mean that second one. That second one. You could make a robot like that in our lifetime.

[Valerie Chaney]

Like I think that to me, I would guess, and I could be totally wrong and it would be fascinating, but that we'll only ever be able to make that consciousness. I think the other consciousness is you can't create more of it or less of it.

[Pete Holmes]

Right. The question is, can you create an. A synthetic vehicle that would house it? I mean, this is the greatest question of all time, really. This is Frankenstein's, Frankenstein's monster. But like wondering what houses. I mean, an ant houses it. It seems to be that only biological things can house it. But regardless, we're not gonna figure that out. I will say that when I'm having. We're back to my meat. Cheat when I'm having. And. And this is the most vegan thing I've ever said. But when you eat animals and. And dead things and. And cheese of things that aren't your mother and all that stuff, you do tend to have different. A different consciousness. You tend to have a different operating system as you're laying down to bed.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you just notice that there's. There's just stuff going on more like.

[Valerie Chaney]

Fear, hormones and stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. And that sounds ub. That is exactly the sort of thing that. When I was in college and eating meat every two kinds of meat every meal, that didn't make any sense to that I would say give it a try if you're curious. Like, do. Do a cleanse. Take a month off of eating meat and dairy and then go back and just notice. Like, don't take my word for it. I'm saying I'll notice. And I'll notice that, like, death is just sort of in the mix. And when I say death, I don't mean it's not bad.

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm not saying death. So keep that away. Maybe eat meat and relish in it.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's like a way to face death or a way to.

[Pete Holmes]

And that is why it will always seem cool to fucking kill. Were we talking about this? Like, I don't know why, like, when I say I'm a vegan, people are like, think I'm some sort of. Like, I'm a nancy or something. And I'm like, why is it cool to eat ovaries and titty milk? Like, I get meat. You kill something, you eat it and use it as sustenance is the most masculine thing you can do. It's the most. I'm even gonna say it's the most badass thing you can do. It's literally what we love in action movies. Iron Man. All that stuff is like, I am going to absorb you. That I'm bigger than you might makes right. I don't think any of this is right mythologically or spiritually in the sense at all. But, like, it's. It looks cool. It's like Schwarzenegger shooting the robots. You know what I mean? So I get that. But. But titty milk. And it's so silly to be like, come on, you're not a real man. Just jerking a cow into your mouth.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, God. Terrible.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, I know.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But anyway, death is more in the mix and more in the mix.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well.

[Pete Holmes]

And I had like, what I do to get away from it. Because when I'm trying to fall asleep. I'm so sorry.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, it's okay.

[Pete Holmes]

When I'm trying to fall asleep from those. They're unpleasant feelings. When it goes like, you're gonna die. Val's gonna die. It just went through everyone. I know. They're gonna die. They're gonna die. You're gonna die. It's over. It's gonna. It's over. You just go like, fucking yes. And you. And you say yes. And the word yes, it's like you're on a jetpack in outer space. Space. Or you're wall e in space and you're holding the fire extinguisher. And you know, he pulls the trigger and it projects him. Every. Yes is a projectile. Projectile into deep space. Away from those thoughts that you don't want.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's like a. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You're saying yes.

[Ad Reader]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

It's very counterintuitive. You're saying yes to all of this ugliness or this fear or this thing you don't want. You go, yes. Anyway, baby.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And you're. And you go. And then the space that you're going into is awareness itself. And it is peaceful and it's right there for you. Like really, everybody listening. I really, really recommend getting good when you're awake, when you're falling asleep, when you're meditating, to find a way to spelunk or to wall e fire extinguisher your way, as Rumi says, into deeper and ever widening circles of awareness. Deeper and deeper. It's not meditating. It's self resting or self abiding. This is all Rupert Spira who taught me this. It's. You're not doing anything. You're just. Because any step towards awareness would be a step away from it. You're just. You know what I'm saying?

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah. Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

You. You have to realize you're already there and just sink into it. Why not, as a philosophical experiment, not to come back and go, I knew we were spirit or I knew God was in us, or all of those things that we turn it into. That's just more marbles. That's just more moving marbles, as you were saying. Because that's where peace and happiness are. In fact, it's the only place peace and happiness are. It's ultimate surrender. It's so much Surrender. You don't even get to go. Pete doesn't even get to go. You go into it and it's just. Wow. Wow. You're just in it. But it's very pleasant. Like, really. I'm reading Rupert's new book. It's called you'd are the Happiness you Seek. The title is Paying Out. All of his titles pay Out. You could just have the title and it pays Out. That's a good lesson. You're made of happiness, and you're looking for it in objective reality, but actually you're made of it. The prodigal son. He says the prodigal son goes off looking for happiness, and in the end comes home, the beggar is asking for happiness, realizes he's sitting on a box of gold. There's all of these stories that tell you that what you're looking for is inside of you. And he's saying what you are, is. Is. Is happiness. Anyway, I was thinking, if you could turn that into a movie, it would be like, the biggest movie in the world.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, all of that goes kind of back. Well, it did at one point. To the intrusive thoughts. No, it was lovely. So the. So when I had the saying. Yes, that's the. That goes back to, like, the bracing against life. So we're really. It's all that, like, rigidity that braced that sort of. Like, if as long as I am, like, guarded and worried and planning and controlling, then. Well, really, as long as I'm guarded and worried and planning, then I am controlling reality, which just isn't true. And in fact, it's like, you are not moving forward in any way, because you're not. This river flows and it flows forward, but if you are being rigid, you're like a rock in that river, and you are not moving. You're immovable. It's not. That's not the way of, like, skiing.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

So the yes is. Is so important. And when I had my intrusive thoughts. So all of that was going to be. We're going back, like, 30 minutes now. But it's like, that was necessary.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I feel great.

[Valerie Chaney]

You were sharing your intrusive thoughts, and I. So then this morning I had some. Which is so interesting that it was nice to be like, I guess I understand why this is happening because we were just talking about this. But I hadn't had intrusive thoughts in a while, and I had to remember everything I had told you. And it's just the beautiful thing about human Experience. It's. I know I shared this with you yesterday when you were sharing about your dream that there's a Tibetan prayer that prays for suffering. And it's something like, give me just the right amount of suffering to ignite compassion. And that's the best thing that suffering has to offer us, is that it connects us and bonds us and makes us remember that we aren't alone. There isn't anything to be ashamed of. So it was sort of like you had last week.

[Pete Holmes]

The more. The richer you are, the more disconnected you are and the less happy you are.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You need suffering to bring us together. It's the point of the movie Crash. It's like you need to crash into each other. To need each other.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

So that you can love each other.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, exactly. Oh, God, that movie. I forgot about that movie. But yeah. So you were. You shared something that you were ashamed of, and I was like, oh, I've done that. And then this morning, I. It happened to me, and I remembered that you felt that way, and it made me feel less alone. And that's just like, what we're meant to be doing is just helping each other. Just. We need to hear it every single day. Like, you are good. It's okay. It's not. It's not you. There's nothing to be ashamed of. This is happening to you, and it's. It's okay. It doesn't say anything about who you are. It's not personal. This is Ruth King. Your feelings and thoughts aren't personal, permanent or perfect. Isn't that everything? And we just take. We take them on, and we're like, this is who I am. What? I'm fucked up. What's wrong with me? I was thinking, like, do other mothers think of this? Am I just a bad mother? Like, what's wrong? I've never heard anybody. Which isn't even true. But, like, it. Instantly, you take the. The bad thing that's in quotes, and then you think about. This is. You build a story about how no one else has ever felt that or no one else has ever thought that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yep.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it's.

[Pete Holmes]

Trying to say. It sounds so unfamiliar to me. I'm like, that's not true. And I was like, that's exactly what it is. That's exactly what it is. Because when I'm in it, I really feel like no one's ever felt this way.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And no one's ever been this way.

[Valerie Chaney]

So you identify. So you identify with it. That's the Iing and mying. So instead of there is anxiety in my body or there are intrusive thoughts coming in and out of my mind. You're like, I am an anxious person. I have intrusive thoughts. These are my thoughts. What's wrong with me? So you're identifying with it as opposed to it just passing through you, and then you're separating yourself. I'm the only one that's ever had this. This is just. This is just me. And so then you feel, like, isolated and ashamed. So the best thing you can do is say yes to it. Say, okay, this is here for a time, and you're in. Just saying yes. You're introducing flow. And then I, like, did the thing where I held my brain and I went, it's okay. You don't have to. You don't have to think that to make it not happen. Because that's what intrusive thoughts are. They're actually. You so desperately want the opposite. You're afraid your brain is going, let me think about this. So that it. It doesn't happen. It's like, that's what OCD is. It's a very interesting kind of effect. So I told. I just deliberately told my brain, you don't have to make this not happen. It's not. It's not gonna happen. And then something that I remember telling myself when Leela was, like, six months old and I was staying alone with her, and I was having the wor. This was the worst that my intrusive thoughts got. I was having awful thoughts. I eventually told myself just like how you. It's biologically encoded in me to keep myself alive. It's biologically encoded in me to keep Leila alive. Like, you don't have to do anything. Your system has. Has got it.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay. That's crazy. That's a good synchronicity, because I. It's not important why I didn't have my phone in the car, and I went on Spotify and I typed in Eckhart Tolle, and I just hit the first thing that there was, and I was on my way to. Twice I've brought this up to work out. And it said, the gateway of the body. And Eckhart is always teaching that, like, the way into presence is the body. You said that earlier. I would. My understanding of that is, like. Because when you're in your body, you are just being. It's the same thing when you're in the present. You are just being like. These are just, like, ways to silence the brain. Because when you put your attention into your hands. Excuse Me. You're taking it away from your brain and you're taking it away from. So it loses energy to, like, think and worry when you're, like, focusing on.

[Valerie Chaney]

Your hands and your body is always present. It's your mind that's telling any sort of stories of the past.

[Pete Holmes]

Precisely. Mundo, he says, I loved this. This really rocked my noodle. He was like, your body is governed by something that is not your brain. It's governed by, like, an unseen presence, like an unseen awareness, an unseen intelligence that is doing, in one second, thousands and thousands of different operations that if you.

[Ad Reader]

If the brain.

[Pete Holmes]

So the brain isn't running the show, the body is running the show. The body is moving your blood, the body is pumping your heart. The body is digesting your food. The body is doing all of these things. Those are just the ones I know of, but there's thousands. And he goes, if you had to think of it and run it, you would die in seconds. He was like, the brain couldn't keep the body alive for two seconds. And I was like, that is the whole thing.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's the whole thing.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's how to feel comfortable in the universe.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's right. And so. But then the challenge becomes. And I mean challenge in like, a good way. Like, I'll take that. Challenge becomes trusting that system, including to metabolize your feelings. Because that's another thing that your body just does on its own is it feels the impact of the energy of something bad that happens, and then it would release it. But our minds get all involved.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just gonna say the mind. So you have a feeling of shame, and your mind says, don't go near there. Don't go in there. Leave it alone.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And so I'm reading a book called Letting Go of Nothing by a man named Peter. I forget his last name. It's great. And he talks about what you talk about, Val, and what so many of these great teachers talk about, which is get curious. So close your eyes and you have the shame. Go. Go towards it and. And be. And look at it like an alien, like. Like an impartial observer. And he. He. First of all, it's completely true. He goes, the feeling you're so afraid of is. Is always never as bad as you thought it was.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's exactly right.

[Pete Holmes]

Because your system. We've said this before on this podcast, but it bears repeating. Your system is incapable of making a feeling you can't handle.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

It's making it.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's right. You're. You are bigger than Any emotion that can run through you.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right. Because you made it.

[Valerie Chaney]

And your body would never make something it's incapable of processing.

[Pete Holmes]

You're a bag of flour and you're worried that there's an amount of flour that will poison you, that will kill you. You're flour.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then you scoop inside, you make a ball of flour, and you're like, don't go near that ball of flour. You made it. It's from this finite amount of flour.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Valerie Chaney]

Even in the context of trauma, which trauma is, something happens and your system is flooded and so it doesn't have the resources to process it in real time. That's as bad as it gets. And even in that case, you can. Then in the days and years and decades afterwards, your body can slowly process.

[Pete Holmes]

That trauma and give you little balls of flour to deal with.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it will do it in doses that are manageable to you.

[Pete Holmes]

What's even crazier, and it's not that crazy, it's just nobody seems to be talking about this or certainly not in my life. Like when I was growing up, he was like, he was talking about when he would be meditating for a long period and you'd feel a pain in your shoulder. And obviously in our society, me too, I would get up and rub it or put something on it or heat on it or whatever. And he's like, you can also do the same thing with a physical discomfort, which is just get curious about it, go towards it. And he's like, and when you let that intelligence that is your body have control and stop trying to think away the muscle pain and let the body go. Like you draw your attention towards it and you go, body, do what you do and relax into it. It will untwist itself. This isn't, this isn't woo woo self healing. This is just letting your body do in the same way that you're growing your fingernails and growing your hair and healing a cut and all this sort of stuff, it's like, I have done that. I'm saying I've done that. You feel a discomfort and the way you feel pain, get up and take some Advil. How about just like, look at it like an uncomfortable emotion and just go like, I surrender to this. What can the body do for this? And it fixes itself. It's crazy.

[Valerie Chaney]

I mean, this is so my practice and my wheelhouse. And it is. That is mindfulness. That's bringing mindfulness to pain. So emotional or physical. But let's just. Because we talk about emotional all the time. Let's just take it to physical. We think that it's just this hard clump of pain. So if you have some pain in your shoulder, you think that is just a permanent like, like boulder.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it won't move. And really when you get curious about it, you see just like your feelings that it kind of peaks and passes and it kind of swirls around and it comes back and it's a little bit different and it's moving. It's not this solid thing. There's. There's like you're putting like you're putting it under a microscope and you're seeing the particles and that is your body working it out. It's already doing it without us.

[Pete Holmes]

That's also a recognition of that we're in that DMT whirlpool of color. It's. Instead of moving marbles, you're going like I am in a vortex of whatever you want. I don't even want to say energy. It just sounds too woo woo. But it's like it's. It's recognizing that you're flowing with something.

[Ad Reader]

Let's go to the.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's go to the mid rolls. I don't want it to be jarring. Here are the mid roll ads. Those. That's new that we're doing. We started working with an ad company and we do mid rolls now. So here's some mid rolls. We'll be back in. I think it's 60 seconds and I want to talk. I had a. I'm really throwing to commercial like Larry King.

[Valerie Chaney]

I know this is interesting.

[Pete Holmes]

I just don't want it to. When do you drop an ad in a conversation like this? I'm saying right now, but. But when we come back, I want to talk about, I think a pretty interesting revelation I had about the law of attraction and how it applies to what we're talking about. So we'll be right back.

[Ad Reader]

Pardon the interruption, weirdos. This episode is brought to us by our friends at Better Help. Better Help knows life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it. Symptoms can include lack of motivation, feeling helpless or trapped, attachment fatigue, and more. I know when I'm working a little too much, when I'm taking enough me time, when I'm not being listened to enough. I mean, I can really start to run on fumes and grind to a complete halt. We are huge believers in talk therapy on the show and I'm So glad that BetterHelp is here. We associate burnout with work, but that's not even the only cause. Any of our roles in life can lead to feeling burned out and Better Help Online Therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself. Talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing someone stress in your life. Val and I have both had our lives absolutely transformed by talk therapy. It's greater than the sum of its parts. You think you're just talking to somebody, but for some reason, something about the human animal being heard and being seen by a professional can make a world of difference. And BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. It's even more affordable than in person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. Plus, weirdos will get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com weirdo that's better. H E L P betterhelp.com weirdo get some help. We all need a little help sometimes and show your support of this podcast. Thank you to Better Help for your support of the show. Also, for those of you who occasionally enjoy a little nip of nicotine.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, we're all adults here and I.

[Ad Reader]

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[Pete Holmes]

And if you enjoy using nicotine, you.

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Should definitely check out Lucy's products at Lucy Co. That's Lucy Co. And use promo code Weird at checkout. Also, I have to read this disclaimer warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Remember? If you're interested in a better way to use nicotine, visit Lucy Co and be sure to use that promo code Weird. I always tell my friends who smoke, don't bring smoke into this. Don't bring carbon monoxide into it.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't like smoking.

[Ad Reader]

You like nicotine. Just use Nicotine.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, we're back.

[Valerie Chaney]

That is so funny. That is so funny.

[Pete Holmes]

102. That's for Katie. This is all I. So talking about the flow. And we were talking about the Law of Attraction, which number. A number of times in my life, things have gone sideways. That's just the risk of going for it, as we always joke, going for the best life ever. The risk of that is that you're gonna burn your hand on the stove. And I've burned my hand on the stove so many times. The Pete Holmes show was canceled. Crashing was canceled. Howie Rolls canceled. I've bombed innumerable times. There's just. There's just shit. There's just shit that happens.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And by the way, it's not even shit. It's just. It's just one of the things that happens. We think things are supposed to last forever, but it. It's just what happens. But it's. I think the fear of those things is why a lot of people don't pursue stuff so predictably. A couple weeks ago, maybe three weeks ago, we were talking about the Law of Attraction, and I started talking about how I was rereading the Secret or rewatching the Secret or whatever it might be. I was getting excited. And it did. It did do something that I'm really glad I did, which it changed my outlook. I was noticing that I was having a pretty negative outlook that, like, things were just crumbling and maybe my lucky streak had come to an end. And I started doing the Secret, like, for real. Like I would say in my gratitude journal, I would write out, I'm so grateful. I'm so happy and grateful that. And I would write out something that hadn't happened yet. What's interesting is, and I don't mind sharing, one of the things is I wrote a script and I sent it to Jon Hamm. I wanted John Hamm to star in it. And old Johnny Hammer was such a dear, as he always is, and said he would read it, and he was excited to read it. And he did. I couldn't believe it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, old Johnny Hamm, he read it, like, pretty quickly, too.

[Pete Holmes]

He also read it quickly. I have several scripts out to several friends. And Jon Hamm, you won first place. Like, you. You get back. And it was unbelievable.

[Valerie Chaney]

And he was really effusive and really.

[Pete Holmes]

Encouraging and loved it and had, like, thoughtful, specific compliments. Not just, like, it's really great.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But he couldn't attach. So for me, meaning he's not. He can't say, like, I'll do that. Go ahead and go and pitch that with me as the star. He was like, I just have too many things going on right now. Adding another TV show is just. It's just too much. And I completely understand and was not surprised, but what do you do? For three weeks, I had been saying in my journal, I'm so happy and excited that Jon Hamm, I kept using the word remarkable, which he didn't use, called my script remarkable, and it wants to star in it. And. And I even made, like, a little vision board on my phone. And one of the images was John Hammond and a picture that represented the show. And I'm not. This is not from anger or disappointment. Like, it doesn't work. What it is, is it. I think it does work. Meaning pointing your heart in the direction that you want to go is always a great idea. I just would like a little more nuance in the conversation about manifesting. Because what I've done in the weeks since is I've moved from the Secret to the Tao Te Ching. And the Tao Te Ching is all about inaction. It's like, can you be still enough to hear the right move? It's not about just getting up and being like a mansion, a mansion in Malibu. It's like, so much more like you are a part of a system. You are part of the dao. You are part of awareness. You are part of the universe. You have a place. Can you be quiet enough to find that place? It's so much more natural. So when we're talking about the flow, I do the work that I need to do. I write the script, I send it to Jon Hamm. But this is verse. Oh, I don't have my phone with me. But this is verse 9 in the DAO de Ching. It's the last line. It goes, do your work, then step away. The only path to serenity, which is Stephen Mitchell's translation, which is fantastic. Same chapter, by the way. It's the chapter for me. It goes, want people's approval, and you will be their prisoner. Desire, safety and security and money. I think it goes. And your heart will never unclench. And I'm just like, this is. It gives me the chills.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Desire, safety, and that's the bracing. Your heart will never unclench.

[Valerie Chaney]

That clenching is the bracing.

[Pete Holmes]

Desire people's approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step away. The only path to serenity. So I. I'm not saying. I just want to be clear. I'm not mad at the Secret. I do think there's a softening and an opening. When I go around going, like, you know what? HBO Max did love that script. That email is waiting for me. I think that's great. I'm gonna keep doing that. But when. If HBO Max does email me and goes like, not for us. I just can't go back to that evangelical Christian boy. That goes like, well, I must not have believed hard enough. Exactly that shit.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yep.

[Pete Holmes]

The world. Life is not about me. I am about life. That is, it's either Richard or Eckhart. I think it's Richard. I am about life. I am a participant in this. And my job as a creator is to write things and to present things and to. And to do everything I can. But then I have to step back, and if Jon Hamm says I just have too much, he said to attach that to my freight train. He was like, it's already moving. It's. I can't attach another car to it, basically.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That doesn't mean that me looking at my pictures was. Was for waste. Every time I did, it made me happy and feel good. But, like, I did run against that. Like, well, either this works or it doesn't. And I didn't like it. So I moved from the secret back to Eastern mysticism, which has much more of a.

[Ad Reader]

Like a.

[Pete Holmes]

Be a tree. Yeah, be a tree. And. And be lovely. And the. And the birds that land on you are the birds that land on you. But be a tree and. Shut the up. This is my translation. Shut the up. Stop thinking I'm talking to myself about yourself so fucking much.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So your house on the hill, your career. You're this. Be a tree, you dumb. Dumb.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, well, that is translated by people. Your little, like, dipping your toe into the manifesting pool, which really only lasted, like, a couple weeks, really helped solidify my feelings about why it doesn't. That kind of manifesting doesn't fit with me, which I'm also kind of proud of that because we are so.

[Pete Holmes]

No. In this story. You're cooler than me. Cause I was over here going, like, I'm so happy being grateful that Jon Hamm. Oh, a text from Jon Hamm. It's a no. It's a no, everybody. And you're over there like, you're on the. You're on the caterpillar smoking the hook on the. You're the caterpillar on the mushroom smoking the hookah, going like, up is down and left is right. And what you believe doesn't make it right. Oops, I rhymed. Right. Right. Go ahead.

[Valerie Chaney]

No, that is not at all what I meant by I feel proud. I meant I feel proud. Just, it's nice to, like, check in every once in a while to make sure I'm, like, right. I didn't. I'm not just, like, riding Pete's whirlpool. I'm.

[Pete Holmes]

I have my own million things that are yours.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, I know, but we're so similar that sometimes I'm like, am I being such a nine and I'm just merging with you? And so it's nice to have the reminders that it's like, no, it was. I knew right away. I'm like, this doesn't work for me. It doesn't fit. And then you helped me really realize why. Exactly. It doesn't. One of them is for sure. It doesn't. You already touched on this. It doesn't mix well with my Christian conditioning of, like, if I don't think the right thing, then I won't get the right thing. You know, like, the thought crime of it. There's somebody watching your thoughts, and if you think the wrong thing, then it's not going to.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Val, you're making me realize that it's a tragic story, but our first pastor at Grace Chapel, his. One of his kids got sick, and we used to pray, and the kid passed away. And that really made this impression on me because I remember very vividly praying the prayer of a child. Like a whiteboard. I was so pure and just being like, please, please, please, Obviously. And we all were like, what do you do with that?

[Valerie Chaney]

Tuesday night at the Bible study, We lift our hands and pray over your body, but nothing ever happened. Oh, isn't that killer?

[Pete Holmes]

Did you just make that up?

[Valerie Chaney]

No, I'm just kidding.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm just kidding. I mean, I almost cried because that is just one of the heaviest things in life. But that. That's the strange comfort of recognizing that you're in a system.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, so this is that you're in a.

[Pete Holmes]

That you're in the dao.

[Valerie Chaney]

You're in the system. You are. Life is living through you, whether you are participating with that or not. I mean, whether you see it that way or not, it's. Again, it's like the stone in the river. If you're trying to. If you're braced against that, if you're trying to control that, then all you're doing is kind of blocking the flow. You're not actually making anything happen. So the other reason that it doesn't really jive well with me is that. No, no, don't no, don't go back to that. Is that it's. It is like imposing your will onto nature, which my therapist said nature will eventually protest. It's not.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I was trying to manipulate the future of National Treasure. John Hamm.

[Valerie Chaney]

Exactly. There's so many people affected by what you want. Your thing that you want has to then affect all these other people. You know what I mean? Like, it's just there's kind of this a assumption that you're the most important one.

[Pete Holmes]

And I think that's why it appeals to me that it goes back to the golden boy thing where I'm like.

[Valerie Chaney]

I can do this and that reality in nature kind of exists for you specifically. And so that's the other reason. And then the other one was what? Oh, just the, the gold, good old fashioned Eckhart Tolle thing that we've said before on this podcast, which is most of the things, the best things in life come from things that you would never ask for for yourself.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Valerie Chaney]

So it's just. And it's also, this really supports this western idea. And again, I'm talking about the specific manifesting of like material things or circumstances where there's inherent in that belief is happiness is the goal. We should all just try to be and sustain happiness. And in order to do that, we need to have our external circumstances.

[Pete Holmes]

Just Rupert's book.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We want to be happy.

[Valerie Chaney]

We want to be happy.

[Pete Holmes]

That is the goal of everything. I want Jon Hamm to star in my show because that will make me happy. And Rupert's thing, actually my thing was like, then I'll be able to pay our bills. Yeah, but that will make me happy.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, sure.

[Pete Holmes]

And also the process of it is obviously my favorite thing to do. But it's, it's happiness is out there. I'm the prodigal son leaving the kingdom, going, I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna bring home a Jon Hamm TV show.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And then I'll come back and, and I'll be happy then. And it's like, just realize it's not out there.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's why. So Joe Dispenza is kind of a manifesting teacher, but his kind of his steps are think about what you want and then really think about the feeling that that thing would give you. So it's like, I want to have Jon Hamm star in this because then I will have the feeling of being successful or the for fulfilled for me.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I've been having dreams that have been showing me just what my fears are. It's. I want to be. I don't want to be excluded. It's more so I'll feel.

[Valerie Chaney]

So I will feel included and connected. So then he would say, so then just really feel the feeling of being included and connected. And he does keep the sort of like. And then the universe will make that happen. But I trash that part because it doesn't actually matter at that point. It's like you can invite the feeling of inclusion and connection into your life and really feel that, and then it doesn't actually matter what happens in the external world. And then even that is a little. Not nuanced enough for me because it's like, well, we can't control our feelings all the time. And so really, the best thing to do is to. Like we said in the last episode, that dance between surrender and agency. So there are some things that I might be thinking, like, old thought patterns or just like this morning with the intrusive thoughts. I was like, wow, there's some darkness here. Okay. So the first thing I'm gonna do is acknowledge and allow it, surrender to it and be like, this is here. It's okay. I don't have to brace against this. And then the next thing I might do after I've done that and nurtured it, is think about the beautiful things in life and invite a little bit of light in there. So that's agency. So it's surrender and its agency, but it's never to the point where you.

[Pete Holmes]

Are.

[Valerie Chaney]

Controlling or imposing your will on life. There's. And you almost don't even need to, like, invite the good thoughts in, because surrender, it is compassionate. So just by doing that, you are inviting compassion instead of fear. So you're inviting the light to swirl around in there with the dark, if that makes sense.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

So I just love that we've kind of had this foray. Is that the word?

[Pete Holmes]

No, foray.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yeah, foray into. Into manifesting. Because it's something that we.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, I couldn't wait to share it. It was like closing the loop. I was like, I know I'm not all the time a manifestation person. There's something that doesn't quite feel right about it for me. I know Chappelle has that bit where he's like, you're telling me, like, kids in Third World countries could just think of a sandwich. It's like, you didn't think of a sandwich enough.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And there is.

[Valerie Chaney]

Where I do think.

[Pete Holmes]

I think the truth is in the middle.

[Valerie Chaney]

I think the truth is in the Middle. And the truth is always a nuance. So where I do think it can come into play is, like I always say at the beginning of my dance classes, we set an intention. And I always say, an intention is not something you can succeed or fail at. It's a part of you that's already true or a part of reality that's already true that you just might need a little reminding of, you know? So it's. It's. You can cultivate gratitude, you can cultivate compassion. You can cultivate love and safety. All these things are true, and we're just kind of reminding ourselves that they're true. But you can see the difference between being like, you know, manifesting safety. I am safe. I am loved. I have everything I need. The difference between that and being like, this thing is gonna happen, so then I will have everything I need. You know what I mean? That car, all just cultivating the internal things.

[Pete Holmes]

I agree. And I. I don't know. I always say this when I bring up Tony Robbins. I don't know what he's up to, if there's some weird thing or anything, but he talks about, like, when you want a new car or whatever. It's like, what is the first feeling that you want? Like, play it out, like.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And, like, knowing your why is really, really important.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And often the why, ultimately, see, that's Rupert's point, is that, like, everything we do is for happiness. And he goes, and when you realize that happiness isn't out there, he likens it to, we don't expect to be healthy and sick multiple times in the day. We know that health is the default setting of the human body, but we don't yet recognize that happiness is the natural state of our consciousness. And he's like. So we just go chasing, like, oh, that chocolate bar will make me happy. Now I have a sugar crash. I'm unhappy. This conversation will make me happy. Then later I'll be lonely, and it'll make me unhappy. He's like, that shit just doesn't fly. I'll keep everybody posted as I read through this book. But he's mentioned it in his other books. It's like, the only game in town. And every religious tradition, ultimately, is pointing you towards, like, just stop and recognize your true nature because it's made of everything you're looking for.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Wow.

[Pete Holmes]

And I don't mean Pete's true nature. I mean the thing that's deep behind Pete.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't mean Pete's gonna have all of his needs met. Pete's still gonna worry about whatever he's worried about. But underneath that, there's, like, a. There's an ocean. There's an ocean of oil under our feet.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well. And maybe a more simple way of putting it is, you know, we're striving for love. We're striving for happiness. We're striving for safety, for connection. We're just trying to, like. Like foragers. We're just going around trying to get any kind of hit of those things that we need, and we get. It's. It's, like, quilted together, but there's holes, and it's. You know, it's not quite the full picture. So just what happens if we try to stop striving for those things and just don't do anything?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

And I think the Dao and I think Rupert would all say you would. You'll actually be surprised to find that you had them all along.

[Pete Holmes]

And why, to your point, why, when you were saying, just give yourself a feeling of inclusion and I can do it. Remember, that's part of the work as well. I go, I am excluded. Is it true? And then when you get to the fourth step, the turnaround, I am included. And what would it feel like if it weren't true? And you can sit, and it doesn't take long. It takes a second go, like, what does inclusion feel like? And just feel it. Why? Where is that coming from?

[Valerie Chaney]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Exactly. I think you're sending it down, and it's there. It's in there. So I think just to bring it a little bit back to Earth. Yeah. We have to meet our needs, and we have to have relationships and jobs and all these different things. But, like, what I've been doing lately is when I'm falling asleep at night and when I'm meditating is you try and go in and see how it feels in the most irreducible core of your being. And the surprise is that it feels happy and peaceful and can actually feel blissful as well.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I only say actually is because, like. Like, it's interesting to me that meditation seems like this chore, but, like, dipping into your inner bliss is like how you would sell this, like, Starbucks.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's so crazy. That's how I know that I'm really identified as my mind is when I don't want to meditate, because then the second I sit and do it, I'm like, valerie, you love this. This is a break.

[Unknown Guest 2]

This is.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, but the brain will never want to because it's putting it aside.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's yeah, it's. It's relinquishing its control.

[Pete Holmes]

It would rather you sit and worry. At least you're using it. Yeah, it's like a weird. I have relationships like that in my life. It's this thing that would rather be fighting than ignored.

[Valerie Chaney]

Yes, exactly. I know.

[Pete Holmes]

Barf. Barf City.

[Valerie Chaney]

Instead of a poem, I have something special for us today.

[Pete Holmes]

So. Pizza.

[Valerie Chaney]

It's a pizza party. So I just discovered. And maybe a lot of people know this already, but it's. It's a Instagram account called. It's Lenny, which, by the way, Lenny is a name that I really love.

[Unknown Guest 2]

I've.

[Valerie Chaney]

I'm finding. And it's this little, like, I'm showing you. You guys will have to look it up.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, L, E, N, N, I, E. Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

L, E, I, N, N. I think there's three N's.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Valerie Chaney]

L, E, N, N, N, I, E. Weird. And it says, hi, my name's Lenny. I am a little blob just trying to help you get through the day. And it's. It is just this little, like, blob drawing. But there's the sweetest affirmations. So I'm gonna play this one because it made me think of you. Here we go. Okay, hang on. Let me start it over.

[Pete Holmes]

Hi.

[Unknown Guest]

Sometimes I struggle with my sense of purpose. I'm like, why am I here? Does anything I do actually even matter? And I was trying to figure it out and I was tripping about it. And then I had this little blob revelation. I am a rock in the pond of existence. Some unknown mystical force has picked me up and flung me into the water. And I'm spending so much time worrying about how big my splash is going to be that I forget to look around and be like, whoa. I am a rock that is flying through the air. A literal flying rock. There were a trillion other rocks that could have been picked up and tossed into this weird anomaly of an experience, and it got to be me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the world is too good at making us believe that we have to do more and be more and want more and have more. When the beauty is it in the purpose, it's in the process. Who gives an F about a photo finish? Splash. Just try to enjoy flying through the air for a sec. If you blink, you'll miss it. And I guess that's part of the fun. I love you so much.

[Valerie Chaney]

Bye.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Valerie Chaney]

Isn't that so good?

[Pete Holmes]

And then the twist is, we find out you're Lenny.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, my God, I would be so cool. I wish.

[Pete Holmes]

That was awesome. I love that. It also. It reminds me of Alan Watts. He thinks so much of us. Think we live as if life is a piece of music and the only part that matters is the dun dun dun at the end. That's absurd.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Listen to the music.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Stop waiting for the dun da done.

[Valerie Chaney]

And it's happening right now.

[Pete Holmes]

I know this is it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Your life is happening right now. It's not the thing that's gonna happen, buddy.

[Pete Holmes]

And as somebody who's had a lot of dreams come true, and it's fun. It's a fun little dance. It's not more happening when Jon Hamm is starring in your TV show.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's right. It's happening just as much right now.

[Pete Holmes]

When Jon Hamm texts you a kind text that says he's not gonna star in your TV show.

[Valerie Chaney]

That's right.

[Pete Holmes]

It is as much the multicolored swirl then as it would be then stay tuned. Wouldn't it be funny if in a year Jon Hamm is starting, everyone would be like, you shouldn't have turned your back on the secret, man, because it fucking happened. He didn't even want to do it. I think that would just horsed him with the secret.

[Valerie Chaney]

I think that would actually be more proof for what we're saying, which is surrender. You let it go.

[Pete Holmes]

Let it go.

[Valerie Chaney]

Well, it's like trying to get pregnant. And the whole cliche of as soon as you stop trying, it happens, which everybody.

[Pete Holmes]

My friend Betsy just told me that exact thing.

[Unknown Guest 2]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, this was everything. And I'm actually, like, nervous. I want to hit stop so we can save it. I loved it so much. Yeah, it doesn't usually happen.

[Valerie Chaney]

Oh, I love it.

[Pete Holmes]

The anxiety. I usually love it.

[Valerie Chaney]

Valerie, keep it crispy, babies.