We Made It Weird #99

Summary

Podcast Summary: You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes – "We Made It Weird #99: We Made It Weird Nights"

Date: August 15, 2022
Host: Pete Holmes
Guest/Co-host: Val (Pete’s wife)

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Main Theme & Purpose

Episode #99, humorously dubbed "We Made It Weird Nights," is an intimate, late-night edition of Pete and Val’s ongoing series. Recorded at nearly 10 pm (“super late” for the hosts), the episode is looser, more candid, and takes a “juicier” turn—delving into sexual shame, personal weirdness, early experiences with sexuality, religious repression, media influences, and significant reflections on love, kinship, and acceptance. It balances silly, playful banter with earnest, sometimes profound, rumination about human connection and spirituality.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. "Nights" Edition: Setting the Scene

• The episode is dubbed "Nights" because it was recorded late, giving it a tired, more raw, and “spicy and juicy” flavor (07:02).
• Val warns parents that parts are more adult ("this acknowledges the existence of sex"—01:05).
• Both find the late-night context relaxing: “…our best episodes are when we just ease into it.” (11:51)

2. Sexual Shame, Porn, and Repression

• Pete and Val openly discuss their complicated histories with pornography and the cultural/Christian shame attached (09:37–18:11).
• Pete: “I have a very conflicted relationship with pornographic films.” (09:42)
• Both agree that while porn isn’t inherently “evil,” it can create a distancing, objectifying effect, not fostering “kinship”—Pete’s new favorite word and concept after reading Father Greg Boyle (21:56).
• Val: “Pornography is kind of like sugar... you notice just how harsh it is after a break.” (19:01)
• They connect the sense of taboo, secrecy, and brokenness in sexuality to broader themes of American and religious repression.

3. Loveline & Secret Early Sexual Experiences

• They recall “Loveline,” Girls Gone Wild commercials, erotic sections from books, and other sneaky adolescent exposures (13:23–24:33; 41:28–45:14).
• Val: “Girls Gone Wild—sometimes I think I’m too old for you… but every once in a while, moments like this remind me we’re from the same planet. And that planet is called horny.” (42:01)
• Pete’s story about finding a Guinness Book of World Records sex section and memorizing its cheeky phraseology is a recurring bit (24:32–26:33).
• Both recount how secrecy, guilt, and resourcefulness shaped their early impressions of sex: “It’s not just sex that turns me on… it’s ‘overt sexuality.’” (24:33)
• Val explains how Christian purity culture led her to associate arousal or same-sex attraction with “badness,” not orientation—she and Pete bond over how taboo becomes part of what’s titillating (59:07–60:48).

4. Comedy, Bits, and Playful Banter

• Lots of in-jokes and riffs, including Steve Martin’s sound effect bits and playful mockery of “adult” language (27:30–29:17).
• Pete narrates his brief stint as a puppet in a Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bit—a favorite story for both (31:01–33:25).
• Extended bits about backup singers repeating explicit lyrics, “Baywatch Nights,” and Pete’s failed attempts at profundity add warmth and spontaneity (34:09–35:17).

5. Body Image, Attraction, and Individuality

• Both discuss how early exposure to certain images (like the “Wild Things” sex scene, or early 2000s porn) shaped their ideas of attraction and body image (49:29–54:05).
• They touch on body diversity, the cultural dominance of the “Hollywood” ideal, and personal preference: “I am looking for things that look like they’re more in my ballpark… It’s not just physical attraction, it’s actually a little solidarity or something.” (52:36)
• Val: “I don’t really have a type. Every man I’ve ever been attracted to looks completely different.” (54:12)

6. Taboo, Comedy, and Religion: The Role of Repression

• Explores the common link between repression/trauma and both comedic ingenuity and sexual creativity: “Trauma, difficult childhood leads to funny. I wonder if the people having the most fulfilling erotic sex lives also…?" (61:00)
• Pete and Val agree that secrecy and repression don’t eliminate desire—they "just direct it into the shadows."

7. Kinship, Compassion, and Spirituality

• The latter part turns deeper, inspired by Father Greg Boyle and spiritual thinkers like Richard Rohr, Mirabai Starr, Tara Brach, and Ram Dass (20:27–80:59).
• “Kinship” is praised as a spiritual ideal—standing with the marginalized, dissolving barriers: “As soon as you stand at the margins, the margins don’t exist in the same way because you’re there.” (20:27)
• Discusses “the mistake you make is thinking you have time”—a (possibly pseudo-) Buddha quote (65:56).
• Reflections on “unconditional love,” the challenge of loving people (and ourselves) without metrics of “success” or “worthiness” (65:47–76:19).

8. Grief, Brokenness, and Transformation

• Both reflect on spiritual teachings that “blessed are the poor in spirit” really means “you’re in the right place if you’re heartbroken,” and how grief can break the heart open to deeper connection (72:11–73:54).
• Val shares her father’s saying: “Everybody wants to see a miracle, but no one wants to need one.” (74:23)
• Pete, on Father Greg’s teachings: “There’s things worse than death, and it’s not knowing who you are.” (74:59)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Val (07:19): “Because we’re doing a real cas… Casual.”
• Pete (09:42): “I have a very conflicted relationship with pornographic films.”
• Val (19:01): “Pornography is kind of like sugar… this is way too sweet.”
• Pete (21:56): “There is like a… I’m looking at a human being sort of, like, callously, transactionally, really.”
• Val (59:07): “The first real life person I thought of when I was jacking it was my friend Caitlin in eighth grade.”
• Pete (65:56): “There’s a line attributed to the Buddha… the mistake you make is thinking you have time.”
• Pete (65:47): “Would you just talk to me like we knew we were going to be executed at the end of this interview? …I’m tired of not talking about what we had secret sloppy jacks to.”
• Val (74:23): “Everybody wants to see a miracle, but no one wants to need one.”
• Pete (74:59): “There’s things worse than death, and it’s not knowing who you are.”
• Pete (79:19): “Congratulations, son, straight A’s. Sometimes it’s just… and something about the heightened intensity of life down there makes it even more vital.”
• Val (81:41): “When else are you going to do it? It’s gotta be now.”

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Important Timestamps

• 00:17: Introduction to "We Made It Weird Nights"
• 07:02–08:36: "Casual" episode context; Emmy/Grammy riff
• 09:37–18:11: Early deep-dive into sexual shame/porn/repression
• 13:23–16:24: “Loveline” memories and sexuality in media
• 24:33–26:33: Pete’s "secret book" of early sex ed
• 27:30–29:17: Steve Martin sound effect bit; comedy digression
• 41:28–45:10: Val’s memories of "Girls Gone Wild" late-night commercials
• 49:29–54:05: “Wild Things” sex scene; body type and attraction
• 61:00: Link between trauma, repression, and comedy/sexuality
• 65:47–66:56: Candid talk, truth-telling, and the value of “juicy” conversation
• 72:11–74:22: Discussion on brokenness, grief as transformation
• 74:23: “Everybody wants to see a miracle, but no one wants to need one.”
• 79:19: Story about giving unconditional love (“straight A’s” moment)

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Tone

Warm, irreverent, vulnerable, and often hilarious. Pete and Val toggle smoothly between comedic banter and moments of striking depth. Their chemistry is intimate and inviting, making even their “weirdest” admissions relatable and nonjudgmental. The conversation swings between laughs and profound insights, reflecting the dual meaning of “weird”—as both “quirky” and “wonderfully human.”

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For Listeners

If you haven’t heard the episode, expect a funny, meandering, and deeply honest conversation on sex, shame, humor, and the urgent need for compassion and connection—both with ourselves and others. There’s plenty of silliness, some “juicy” adult talk, and sincere, vulnerable reflections on spirituality and love.

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“Keep it Crispy.”

Transcript

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird.

[Val]

You made it weird.

[Pete Holmes]

You made it weird. Oh yeah, you made it weird. Yes, you did. Made it weird. You made it weird with Pete Holmes.

[Val]

What's happening, weirdos?

[Pete Holmes]

Welcome to the 99th. We made it weird. But the first episode of We Made it weird nights, it's 9:44, which is super late for us.

[Val]

That's so late. And we got a little spicy and juicy in this one.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a little loveline which comes up.

[Val]

It comes up. And that's kind of what, what takes it down that road. So to all of the sweet listeners who message me about their kids loving this podcast.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh yeah, I don't think it's like.

[Val]

Terrible, but maybe you listen to it first and you see you make the own judgment.

[Pete Holmes]

This is like again, I mentioned npr. I've been listening to this American Life again in the car and they're like, this does describe. This acknowledges the existence of sex. That's what they say.

[Val]

That's what they say. That's great.

[Pete Holmes]

That also a little juicy. And then like after the, the mid roll break, which is 29 minutes in the second half of the show, it's a little juicy. It's a little juicy. But then it gets incredibly profound. Not profound. That's, that's, that's up my own ass.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It gets into talking about some deeper things and some beautiful things. So I love this episode. We're jokingly calling it Nights because it's Sunday evening. That's the only time we had to do it and I'm so glad we did. It was awesome. Yeah, it was really awesome. So I'm glad you guys are here.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And this is We Made It Weird Nights. Oh, right.

[Val]

I was like, wait, what?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, we gotta do the. Right. We made it weird.

[Val]

We're so tired.

[Pete Holmes]

If you like the show, try a Pete's Pick. Here's me in a completely different tone of voice doing, doing the ads. Enjoy these. This episode is brought to us by a couple a new Pete's Pick, which I'm super excited. I've been taking Pym Chews for years and they have absolutely 100% changed my life. Specifically in how I cope with. With stress and anxiety. And I love that they are natural and amino acid based. That helps your brain do what it is designed to do, which is help you cope when you are feeling overwhelmed. When I discovered Pym, it's called Pym because it's prepare your mind. No joke. The first night I took them, I felt the difference almost immediately and ordered not just one Subscriptions for my mother and my brother. Because I know that the Holmes family deal with stress. I know I do. And anxiety. So Pym Chews help you manage feelings of stress, anxiety and overwhelm. And it's wonderful to know that when you're feeling worried, stressed out, as Val and I like to say, you have a bee in your belly. You can chew just two of these delicious, naturally citrus flavored, no sugar added chews and in minutes you start to feel more centered, calm and in control. It's literally a technique. I love having it in my cupboard, knowing I can return to myself when I need to. When I first tried them, I thought they were too good to be true. But here they are. We have a natural, non addictive and non psychoactive solution to one of life's most common problems. I like to take it at the start of my day, in the morning, to sort of ease me into a flow state, ease me into the work that I have to do without a stressed out feeling. And I also take them at the end of the day or when I'm looking to wind down and melt away the stress that I accumulated while I was working. How well Pym Chews are comprised of proven amino acid complexes and adaptogens that help your brain support your brain and your body's ability to organically support your ability to manage and tolerate stress, anxiety and overwhelm. These specifically formulated amino acids target your neurotransmitters, specifically the GABA system, a naturally occurring neurotransmitter that that helps the body manage chronic stress. Supplying your body with gaba, L theanine and rhodiola. I hope I'm saying that right. I know it works. I don't know how to say it. Pym is on a mission to end the stigma surrounding mental health and to make a better mood accessible for all. And if that weren't enough, a percentage of their profits goes toward mental health nonprofits, including Bring Change to Mind, a wonderful nonprofit. So. So it's a new pizza pick. If you have anxiety and stress in your life and you're looking for a natural, gentle, effective way to give your body the nutrition it needs to fight off stress. Honest to God, this is stuff that Val and I swear by and I'm so glad they're sponsoring the podcast. Thank you, pym. Go to youcanpym.com weird for 15% off Pym Moodchoose. That's youcanpym.com weird. The second Pete's Pick that this episode is sponsored by is my old friend Alpha Brain brought to us by our friends at onit. For the past, I don't know, six, seven, eight years, I haven't done anything that involves my noodle, that's my brain. Without taking 2 or 3 Alpha brain 15 minutes beforehand. Helps with memory, helps helps with focus, it helps with concentration. If I'm doing a podcast, if I'm doing standup, if I'm writing a script, or if I'm just going on a date with Val and I wanna have full access to my memory and to my vocabulary and my ability to listen and participate, I always take Alpha Brain. It is not a stimulant. It's not like caffeine. It's not an energy drink. It's nutrition that your brain needs. It's earth grown ingredients that help your brain function the way it it was intended to and at a peak level. I so wish I knew about Alpha Brain when I was in college, when it came to memorizing facts, learning new things, reading books, all that sort of stuff. But I'm still learning, I'm still reading, I'm still growing. And when I do, I take a few Alpha Brain and I retain so much more than I would without it. I absolutely swear by it. I keep it in the jacket pockets, I keep it in the car, I keep it in my travel bags. I always, always, always have my Alpha brain. And I just got some of their new black label with which I'm very excited to try. So if you want to give it a try, if you're using your brain, chances are you are. Go to onnitonit.com weird and you'll get 10% off everything you see on that landing page that's onnit.com weird and show your support of this show. All right, everybody, this is We Made it weird nights number 99.

[Val]

Get into it. Here we go.

[Pete Holmes]

Here we go.

[Val]

Here we go.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, you're such a good mirror. I was gonna start low because this is a. We made it weird first. Do you know what episode this is?

[Val]

I think it's a 98.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, so it's not like a hundred. No, but it would be fitting if it were. Because what?

[Val]

Because it would be kind of like doing the opposite of what people do for like a 100th episode where they, like.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we're doing, like, a small, quiet one.

[Val]

Yeah, because we're doing a real cas. Casual.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, casual Sounds like we're not like we're drunk or something.

[Val]

No, to me, I like casual.

[Pete Holmes]

We've had this exact conversation before. I know what you mean, but for those that hear the word casual, like me, like, we don't have anything to say or anything to share or we don't want to do this. Val just means.

[Val]

I just mean that we're. It's. It's like personal. You're. You're. It's like Pete and Val at home.

[Pete Holmes]

I actually think this is worthy already.

[Val]

Of an Emmy. Of a Grammy.

[Pete Holmes]

Of a gram. A Grammy.

[Val]

A Grammy.

[Pete Holmes]

It's a. It's like a Grammy for the Emmys, but they do it for podcasts. That would be such a great lie. Like, it's a TV show about a guy who's not doing so well. He goes back to his hometown, he has a podcast, and someone says, you have a podcast. He's like, yeah. Is it doing well? And he's like, yeah, yeah, it won a Grammy. Yeah, it's like a Grammy for the Emmys, but they give it to podcasts. Then he gets off the elevator.

[Val]

Excellent. I watched that show.

[Pete Holmes]

This is where they have a spin off. I was actually. I am sincerely, sincerely casual and sincerely excited to get this time to talk with you. I know, because it's been like. First of all, I've been wanting to do a comedy.

[Val]

By the way, I was just.

[Pete Holmes]

Hold on now.

[Val]

Okay. I was just putting Leela down because that's it. That's what we're trying to tell you guys, is that it's 8:35pm I guess.

[Pete Holmes]

We could have just said that.

[Val]

And so I was just putting her down. And we're in our beautiful new home.

[Pete Holmes]

And it has our beautiful old PJs. These are my shark PJs from me. Andes.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And they have a bite in them, like a real slice.

[Val]

There's a. There's a hole right where it looks.

[Pete Holmes]

Like a shark bit, but that's all me, baby. Don't. Don't go to them for that. You got to do that yourself.

[Val]

And I'm. Picture this wearing. Picture this. That's a. You kind of bit. You love to do that. I don't know. Yeah. Are you picturing it? A. Are you picturing it?

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Val]

Just a white. A white cotton nightgown with pigtails. So that's.

[Pete Holmes]

Feel like that's a little too sexual, is it? No, no, no. Oh, no, I absolutely don't.

[Val]

I thought it was, like, adorably country.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, okay.

[Val]

White cotton nightgown is not. If I said a white silk nightgown.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Let's not even go down this road. I. I do think sometimes, you know, I as if you've ever listened to this podcast or watch me do stand up. I have a very conflicted relationship with pornographic films.

[Val]

Is this news to anybody?

[Pete Holmes]

It's the worst way to say it. It sounds like I'm sitting in my screening room with 35 millimeter prints. Yeah. Take it off. See? Smoking a cigar.

[Val]

These pornographic films on 35 millimeter.

[Pete Holmes]

Look, I. I was just talking to my bro. How people in our family tend to be at odds with themselves. So I'm not even saying that. I'm just saying that I've noticed. Although that is true. I've noticed that even in a world where I am consistently avoiding noticing, for example, that when I do succumb. Succumb. Succumb all over myself.

[Val]

I mean that really. There's so much information in that language. I know about how you. You're.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. But here. Here me out. Because it's not just body shame. It's not even Christian. It's not Christian of you. It's not very Christian of you. Sorry, I wanted to say. Again, I wanted.

[Val]

Who is this character? I want to know more about when.

[Pete Holmes]

You do not tip at least 10%. It is not. I followed them out to their car. It's just not a good witness. I saw y' all praying before your French toast, and then you didn't tip me at all.

[Val]

This accent, though, is.

[Pete Holmes]

I don't like it.

[Val]

It's like a little Southern. It. It is Southern, but it's surfer.

[Pete Holmes]

Like when I first catch those waves.

[Val]

Yeah. When I first heard it, you're like, it's not very Christian of you. It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

No, it's a new thing. This is. Let me finish that one iron.

[Val]

I know. We have so many.

[Pete Holmes]

The iron. I was gonna say was. This is how we talk at night. No, no, no. And what I was gonna say was, it's already worthy of a spin off. We made it. Weird night. Like Baywatch nights.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I don't feel. As I interrupt you, but I don't feel all jacked up. I don't feel like I have to be profound every five seconds. And that's always our best episodes when we just ease into it.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Let me finish this porn thought. It's. It's not long.

[Val]

Please. And then you also have to finish whatever I interrupted when I said it'll never come back. Okay. I'm sorry.

[Pete Holmes]

It's okay. I. It must not have been very important. It's a Steve Martin bit. I probably say this every time. And he goes, oh, yeah, I'm Radioactive. I must not have. Because you. You wouldn't laugh that way. It's on let's get small or something. He goes, you know when you can't remember what you're gonna say? And people go, well, it must not have been very important. I like to go, oh, right. I'm radioactive. I mean, I know you already heard it, but I wanted to do the whole bit.

[Val]

I loved it.

[Pete Holmes]

Pornography.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

The reason. So you said white cotton nightgown and pigtails, and I said that. Sexual. Why?

[Val]

Yeah, because.

[Pete Holmes]

So my point is, I'm not even moralizing it. I'm not even body shame. Like, masturbate, take yourself to dinner, enjoy erotic arts. Like, do you like. Let's stop beating ourselves up for beating ourselves off. We made a weird night. We made it weird.

[Val]

Yeah, it's got a little bit of a.

[Pete Holmes]

We made it weird night. Night.

[Val]

Blew it.

[Pete Holmes]

No, you didn't.

[Val]

Get another spill. Let's try again. It does have a little bit of a Loveline feel. Did you ever listen to Loveline?

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah.

[Val]

You know what? I.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry. That was disgusting. I sounded like a guy cracking shrimp at a New Orleans barbecue. And I went, oh, yeah, Loveline. Oh, yeah. I used to beat myself off about beef beating myself up. Wait, what? He's kind of listening to the show.

[Val]

Like that.

[Pete Holmes]

Watch nights, man. This is it.

[Val]

Okay. I was gonna say, I have one memory of. I mean, I listened to Loveline. I went through, like, a Loveline phase when I was maybe, like, 18. So kind of a little bit naughty.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I mean. That's why I made the Beat off joke.

[Val]

Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It was like when you'd find the dirty sect in, like, a Guinness Book of World Records, it's like longest nipples. And you'd be like, I'll take it. No pictures, just. Just the words 4 inches or whatever it is. Really. What? Keep looking at the word nipple. Not the 14.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

AB changed it to 14. Sorry. Go ahead.

[Val]

Oh, my gosh.

[Pete Holmes]

Go ahead.

[Val]

And I just remember Jenna Fisher was on Loveline. It's like a weird thing, because I know I listened to it a lot, but there is one. There's only one thing I can remember, and I don't even know. It's not even that. It's kind of interesting to share, but Jenna Fisher was on, and I think it was. The office was still on, and somebody called in and asked about being worried that. That her boyfriend's big penis was gonna stretch her vagina out.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait. Because it was live.

[Val]

It was. They took calls. What do you Mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, this wasn't like a prank. Like, he snuck through and was like, do you think your boyfriend's big penis is gonna stretch her van? Oh, so sorry, Jenna. I'm sorry. This is the risk. We're flying without a net here.

[Val]

No, this is the kind of question.

[Pete Holmes]

Screened and they took it.

[Val]

Yeah, like, they would take those kinds of questions. It was like. It was like a sexual thing. And I just remember her being like, I don't think so, because you can have, like, they have babies and they return back.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

Which I thought was, like, a very nice, classy answer. But I remember being like, how is Pam Beasley gonna answer this?

[Pete Holmes]

Her publicist was holding up. Post its in the other room.

[Val]

Bring it back to birth.

[Pete Holmes]

Maybe something. Something wholesome.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that is classy. Not that she has to be wholesome. She can be whoever she wants. We're actually after. I was. Michael Rosenbaum is trying to help me get Jenna on the pod.

[Val]

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, she has her answer.

[Pete Holmes]

Classy. I'm tired of talking about myself. I'm taking a little break. Always my favorite reason for people to not do the podcast is balance. Is that they just need a little downtime.

[Val]

That is really.

[Pete Holmes]

Love it. Need it. What were you gonna say?

[Val]

They have a podcast that I haven't listened to yet, and I don't know why. It's her and Angela Kinsey, and it's called Office Ladies, and they, like, you know, they go through the episodes of the Office.

[Pete Holmes]

We just hear the sound of. We can hear the people leaving this podcast.

[Val]

To go and listen to that.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I think people are only listening to this podcast because they're not aware of other podcasts.

[Val]

Yeah, I don't think that's the case.

[Pete Holmes]

Here's my final porn thing.

[Val]

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were more than done with.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, I did sort of allude to the point, but the point is this. Like, I notice, first of all, it's not working. Like, I've been experimenting with it for many years.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, the data is in.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

As I've said on stage, like, sometimes it's like, exactly what you need. And that probably has more to do with whatever physiology than actual whatever. But now I just. I just catch myself looking at people and thinking more sexually faster than I used to. And no surprise, men don't really need a boost in that department. Typically, we. We notice sexuality around us, but, like, pornography is just going, like, that's what it is. It's like, yeah, you know, I'm always railing Against Instagram. How it lies about reality. Yeah, well, what could be lying about reality more than pornography?

[Val]

And in a. In like a more.

[Pete Holmes]

And I'm including that classy, female produced real orgasm natural shaped dildo porn.

[Val]

Okay. I don't know why that's saying, like.

[Pete Holmes]

It doesn't matter how. I don't just mean raunchy porn. I mean, all of it is sort of by definition, tricking your brain into thinking, like, again, nothing wrong with it. But yeah, there's a. There's a. There's an inherent sort of fib.

[Val]

Yeah. And I. And I think the stakes are a little bit higher even than Instagram because we already are, you know, having sex disembodied. We're. We're buying into, like, patriarchal myths of, like, like, the male has to be conquering. And then that blurs the line. With rape culture, I mean, there's so much RC Cola. That's our. That's the original RC Cola.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what I call rape culture. You know what predates RC Cola? The original rc. Hi, I'm Jen. I'm here to talk about rape culture.

[Val]

Culture. No, no, no, no. What I was gonna say is I have found that pornography. I have to say it in a British accent, otherwise I feel dirty.

[Pete Holmes]

I do want to get back to Loveline, by the way.

[Val]

Oh, yeah. The pornography is kind of like sugar, where, like, you know, if you stop sugar and then you have like a donut or something, you're like, this is way too sweet.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

And that is exactly what's happened to me. Like, I haven't tried to. To not look at porn. I was looking at it for a while. Once I had Leela, I kind of stopped. I just saw it differently.

[Pete Holmes]

Me too. I have a bit about that. But it still creeps in every once in a while. Like that cousin you forget you have.

[Val]

Yeah. And then Jim Bob.

[Pete Holmes]

Hey, y'.

[Val]

All. Like, is that my cousin or my mom's cousin? Like, what's a second cousin?

[Pete Holmes]

Neighbor that we just sort of took in?

[Val]

Yeah, yeah. It's not. It's. It's Uncle Jim's boy. You know, your dad's best friend.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, okay, so that's what pornography is.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Not family, but it's the weird neighbor boy you let in.

[Val]

Yeah, you let in sometimes.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

And. And I have let it in since. I mean, it's been four years since Lila was born. But, like, every time I've done it, I feel like, oh, this is. Well, this is what it is. And I'm not. And that's not shaming. I'm just saying it's so the opposite of what I'm trying to cultivate in my own sexuality that I'm just like, this is exact. This is, like, harsh to my eyes.

[Pete Holmes]

Facts. Yeah, facts. And when the goal. So Father Greg Boyle just did the podcast, who founded Homeboy Industries, and I just finished his book, Tattoos on the Heart. And I am obsessed. He's like another Richard Rohr, which everyone knows. That's a very high compliment from me. And Homeboy Industries is incredible. But he's all about kinship and the margins. And he's like, as soon as you stand at the margins, the margins, like, don't exist in the same way because you're there. You're no longer marginalizing these groups. You go to them. So anyway, I'm not even saying that pornography is marginalizing another person, but potentially it is meaning in the same way that specialness, which is my major addiction, puts distance between me and my fellow humans. Because I like the way that it feels. I've grown accustomed to feeling the specialness of. They're over there and they look at me and I'm like, look, I thought of that thing about this. But then that. That can. That has an another side to it which can cut me, which separates me and isolates me in the same way. Delicious, American made, wholesale purchased pornography in and of itself, that's another subject. But on a deeper level, there is like a. I'm looking at a human being sort of like callously, transactionally, really.

[Val]

Like a really objectifying.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, no, it is an object. That's exactly the lie. Thank you.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It turns an act into an object, a two dimensional object, a flat object.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You then just like, mainline into your lizard brain, cause a physiological reaction. Again, I don't have to keep saying this, but I don't think that's, like, evil or wrong. I just don't think it's. And this is Father Greg's big word, kinship.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not like removing lines between people. It's actually turning people into. Into things. So is Instagram, by the way.

[Val]

Yeah, so.

[Pete Holmes]

So if you think I'm just pooing on. On pornography, I'm actually not. I think you should pay for your pornography. That's something I believe in. I also think that Instagram and television even, in some ways, can certainly be in the same way evil, using the Richard Roy definition, that it lies about the nature of reality. Let's talk about Loveline. You know why? Because I want to talk about the things that you. Because it's. Because it's Baywatch Nights. The things that you used to sneak a. Sneak a sesh to. Because things like Loveline to me, growing up, you know, we didn't identify as a fundamentalist church, but looking back, we took a pretty literal, literal approach to the Bible. So I have that fundamentalist repression. And as a result, I'm curious the things. Because it's nights that we would sneak and. And get you all fun. That weren't. Weren't just like, we're on. We're recording this podcast on my pornography machine. It's my laptop. It's insane. But before that, I mean, what Loveline for me was. And I already mentioned it, but we had a book that just was like, again, it might have been a Guinness Book of World Records, but one of the sections was about erotica, and it had the top 10 sexual positions. Keep in mind, I hadn't seen any of these.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And there were no pictures. But I remember vividly. I think dog style was. No, dog style was number one. And it said, a wonderful choice for a man obsessed with. Obsessed with the female derriere. Dog style rounds out our list. It's Casey Casem. Dog style rounds out. He calls it dog style. Dog style. He looks at the guy who writes the copy. Isn't it doggy style? Dog style. But dog style did round out the list at number one. And that was enough for me to.

[Val]

Be like, email Darier.

[Pete Holmes]

Because, and I've said this many times, it's not just sex that turns me on. And this is. This is kind of in the realm of kink. It's overt sexuality.

[Val]

It's that unapologetic.

[Pete Holmes]

There it was in black and white. All of my sexuality had been, like, heaved into the furnace room with Freddy Krueger. And, like, if you wanted to visit it, there were like nine padlocks and then just me in my socks standing on the kitchen counter, jerking it into a ceiling fan. But you had to get into those nine padlocks first. But to have it in a book that you could read at 9am like, there it was. This book didn't ask what time it was or how old you were. And it had the word derriere written out.

[Val]

It really did it.

[Pete Holmes]

I would bet. Look, the human mind is a complicated thing, but I would bet a large sum of money that it said for men preoccupied with the female derriere.

[Val]

Okay, if I found. Okay, really, you can't lose.

[Pete Holmes]

My brother might know what it was because I'm sure he Found that same.

[Val]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I had watermarked it in a sense.

[Val]

Oh, God. I'm surprised he could open to.

[Pete Holmes]

Was a good yes hand. Thank you. It felt a little like that thing. I'm talking about Jesuit priests. And I'm also talking about. Yeah, there's a jizz you it. But I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

[Val]

I was waiting for it.

[Pete Holmes]

Jesuit sheets. Like the dude, the douche. Okay, forget it.

[Val]

So if I, I. Yeah, I can't lose. Because if I find out that it says that that's fantastic.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

Because it's just funny that that exists. If somehow I found out that that isn't the word, I'm gonna fall in love with you all again.

[Pete Holmes]

Because I changed it to derriere.

[Val]

Yeah, because your own little mind went derriere.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, dairy air, first of all, what is that? A small pistol you strap on your ankle? I know that's a derringer, but like, derriere is pretty close to derringer.

[Val]

It's also pretty close to diarrhea.

[Pete Holmes]

I have diarrhea out my derriere and I need to go, why are you pointing a small pistol at me? Oh, I forgot to incorporate that. I'm putting this derringer at you because I have diarrhea in my derriere. Why does a gun need to be here? Because it's America, motherfucker. Whoa.

[Val]

You took us on a little journey there that was like old timey radio. Like when you'd listen Lone Ranger.

[Pete Holmes]

That's another great Steve Martin bit.

[Val]

Really?

[Pete Holmes]

Do you know this bit?

[Val]

I don't know.

[Pete Holmes]

He goes, you know, his whole thing is that he's a master of comedy. Like, that's sort of. Obviously he is, but it's the joke that his character is. Calls himself the master of comedy. Because again, you know, I am the master of comedy. And I've been working on some sound effects that I'd like to. A lot of comedians are incorporating sound effects into their act. I'm going to do some sound effects for you.

[Val]

I think I remember this.

[Pete Holmes]

So I woke up this morning and I walked to the front door and I open my car door, took out the key and started the big old engine.

[Val]

I can't. I can't.

[Pete Holmes]

This is one of the funniest bits of all time.

[Val]

I cannot.

[Pete Holmes]

It's one of the funniest bits of all time.

[Val]

Handle it.

[Pete Holmes]

It's so funny.

[Val]

So funny. It's so funny. I was gonna say, like, that is my exact sense of humor. But I think it's everybody's sense of humor.

[Pete Holmes]

I think that's what makes it honest.

[Val]

One of the best bits ever is. My parents would love that.

[Pete Holmes]

But he has so many bits. Yes, he has so many bits like that, where he's like, I'm so mad at my mother. That's how it turns. And he goes, she has the nerve to call me last week and ask me for $20 for some food. I said, hey, I work for a living. So I'm having her move my dumbbells to the attic. It just keeps going.

[Val]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

But, you know, that joke is fine, but, like, when you give it to that guy in that suit, it becomes great. Even the sound effect joke. I wouldn't go into a club and be like, this is gonna smash. Unless you've already glazed the cake with silly.

[Val]

Yeah, that's right. I love a silly cake. Okay, well, to go back, Terry Air, to your question.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. For secret slappies for.

[Val]

For Baywatch nights.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, Baywatch.

[Val]

Baywatch was one of the. I. I don't think I know Baywatch wasn't for me because I watched that when I was younger, and I really liked it, and I really liked the way the girls looked. But I didn't know exactly why. But the first one I can remember, and I know you will relate to this was when in my, like, Conan watching days. I mean, obviously I watched Conan a lot. I'm just obsessed with Rob Smiggle.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, my God. Perfect.

[Val]

And specifically the Insult Comet. Is it Comet?

[Pete Holmes]

No, Triumph.

[Val]

Triumph.

[Pete Holmes]

Not Comet. The Insult Comet.

[Val]

Comic dog.

[Pete Holmes]

That would be Triumph. Yeah, yeah. Triumph. Did I. Do you know my Robert Smigel story?

[Val]

No.

[Pete Holmes]

Have I never told this on this podcast? Is it possible? It's really short. I'm at Bonnaroo. We're going to get to your.

[Val]

Oh, please.

[Pete Holmes]

Sneaky. Sloppy. For sure.

[Val]

Sloppy. Why does that.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, right. It was slappy.

[Val]

Neat.

[Pete Holmes]

I keep it neat down there. God. Okay, so I'm at, like, Bonnaroo or Bumbershoot. It's really hard to tell those two apart when you're full of peyote buttons. So I'm just kidding. But I was at. I think it was Bumbershoot. I'm pretty sure. And Bumbershoot has a. It doesn't matter. It might be. Bonro has a huge. I keep doing it. Oh, right. I'm radioactive. There's a huge comedy tent. Huge.

[Val]

That does sound like bumper shoot.

[Pete Holmes]

It does. No, I think Bumpershoot has a small, nice indoor theater, and Bonnaroo has, like, a giant it's nice, but it's a giant. It's where a lot of people go to, like, cool out from their bad trips. Like they're watching Foo Fighters and it just takes them sideways. And let's go in the comedy tent because there's air conditioning.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So anyway, I've had good sets there and I've had, let's be honest, great sets there, but I'm just kidding. Robert Smigel enlisted me and a couple other people to be puppets in a Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. You haven't heard this story.

[Val]

This.

[Pete Holmes]

So it was me and Triumph, and I was like a goat or something. And I'll never forget the lyrics to the number. I'm gonna call it a number.

[Val]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

That we were rehearsing. Because it went like. It went like this. It went, what do you say to the farmer? That was my line. And it was a song about how farmers should be able to have sex with their animals or something like that. And I was rehearsing with him and he was under a lot of pressure, so I'm gonna give him a pass. Big show, not a lot of rehearsal time. It's not that bad. Okay, but we're just like. We're wearing Triumph style puppets. Like, not high quality puppets. There's Triumph, there's me. We're kneeling under a bad stage, like a puppet stage. The same kind of stage two eight year old twin girls would make to put on a puppet show for their parents having a cocktail party. The same exact setup. And I'm on my knees and he's down there too. And we're hiding under. And we're very close to each other. I have a mic, like a Madonna mic, and I go, what do you say to the. And he goes, what do you say? What do you say? Like, scared it into me. So here's Triumph also mouthing it.

[Val]

He was. He's doing it and mouthing was. I mean.

[Pete Holmes]

Mouthing the Insult comic Triumph. Yes, he was saying it. But like, instinctually, Triumph was also saying it. So he's going, what do you say? What do you say? And I was like, I. Of course I still remember it because he. He drunk dad to me.

[Val]

Are you sure he wasn't singing backup? Like, what do you say?

[Pete Holmes]

This was a rehearsal.

[Val]

What do you say?

[Pete Holmes]

That is so generous.

[Val]

That's how much I want to say, save him. It's not that bad.

[Pete Holmes]

It wasn't even that bad. It's funny that the puppet also reprimanded me. That's what makes it a Story. But we were about to do a show for, like, 2,000 people, and we had, like, 45 minutes. So, yeah, let's not even waste any more time defending him. He's fantastic. But triumph did go. What do you say? What do you say? And I love. I'll never forget. It's now part of the story that you were like, are you sure it wasn't just backup? How many dance fights could have been prevented in, like, musical gang neighborhoods? Someone was like, wait, was he just singing? Back up. Oh, man. Guys, put your dance fight shoes away and get your regular dance shoes back on, because we're dancing the dance of no fight tonight. They dance either way.

[Val]

I was having my own version of. Or I was just picturing, which I think you'll. You love this kind of comedy. But I was just picturing, like, somebody singing, and they're like, the traditional background singers are behind them, and it's like, you know, we'll use that same example. But he's like, what do you say? And they're like, what do you say? The guy turns around and is like, that. That's what I just said.

[Pete Holmes]

That is, like, livid. Exactly. My sense of humor.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

If a guy's like, what's a song? That is a backup singer.

[Val]

Okay. I feel it in my fingers, in my fingers.

[Pete Holmes]

I feel it in my fingers, in my fingers. That's what I just bloody said. It's so fun now. That's what I just said. Let's go again. I feel it in my toes Feel.

[Val]

It in my toes.

[Pete Holmes]

What is this on the schoolyard where you say everything I say? Okay, it's not as fun as we want it to be, but it is fun.

[Val]

I like it.

[Pete Holmes]

I mean, it is, but it's Baywatch Nights.

[Val]

It's Baywatch Nights. And we're getting salty. So I was about to say.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, yeah, you're gonna tell me your thing.

[Val]

I would watch Conan, which was at 12:35.

[Pete Holmes]

Wait, hold on one second. Hear the Mid Rolls. And then we're gonna hear Val's Sloppy Sloppy Secret. Because I can't go more than an hour. This is so. It's 9pm yeah, it's 9pm I know. And we have. What are we watching currently? Oh, the rehearsal. Nathan Childer.

[Val]

So good.

[Pete Holmes]

We can even talk about that a little bit. But when we come back, Val's Sloppy Secret. Oh, God.

[Val]

Sloppy Secret.

[Pete Holmes]

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When you use promo code weird at checkout, just pay 5 bucks shipping. That's BlueChew.com promo code weird. To receive your first month free, visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring this podcast. All right, enjoy the rest of the show. Okay, we're back. Val, go on Conan. And so Robert Smigel.

[Val]

So 15 year old, 14 year old Val staying up late. I could only do it on Friday nights, so I could only ever watch Conan on Friday nights.

[Pete Holmes]

Why at that age?

[Val]

Because it was weeknights. Yeah. Once I got to like 17, I was watching was like, I can stay up now. I'm a senior, mom.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm a senior.

[Val]

I can do it. And. But I would, like, be sitting in the living room watching Conan. And that's when you might remember the Girls Gone Wild commercials.

[Pete Holmes]

Valerie, come on. Sometimes I think I'm too old for you. I'm just kidding. But every once in a while, there's a moment like this that reminds me we're from the same planet. And that planet is called horny. At Girls Gone Wild commercials. And it's orbited by those creepy guys. I mean, exploiting people.

[Val]

If you showed me one of those commercials now, I would see it completely so differently.

[Pete Holmes]

I was just thinking about, like, we used to make fun of drug addicts in a much more callous way. Drunk people, homeless people. Homeless people, schizophrenic people. And we also just used to be like Snoop Dogg, whose image is sparkling white.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Did Girls Gone Wild videos.

[Val]

I didn't even know that.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow. He was all like, show me. And the joke was, try not to come when Snoop Doggs on the screen.

[Val]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not my bit. I saw more than one comic do that bit.

[Val]

Really? Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

That's kind of a standard premise, is try not to like, sync it up with. Because old porn also would have shots of the guy's face for no reason.

[Val]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

Just like, oh, yeah. Who is? No one. No one.

[Val]

That's like Ron White's perfect bit about, like, homophobic. His homophobic friends being like, I'd never. I can't. I'm not going to do it justice. I'll be able to remember the punchline. But like, the setup is that is like, you know these country men that are just like, I ain't gay. I'm grossed out by dicks or whatever. And he's like, do you watch porn? I was like, yeah, of course I watch porn. Like, do you do you watch just women on women, or do you watch men? And I remember him going, men on women. He goes, I'll watch a man and a woman making love.

[Pete Holmes]

That is so funny. And I don't want to hear any more of this bit because it's so close to my bed.

[Val]

No, it's not. It will. I don't think so.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay, good.

[Val]

He goes, and when that. When the. We are watching a man making love, do you want him to have a tiny little penis? He's like, oh, no, I want to have a big, hard cock.

[Pete Holmes]

That is. I mean, love it. And it's not.

[Val]

I don't think it's similar.

[Pete Holmes]

It's not. I'm not worried about it. And it's just right out of my brain.

[Val]

Yeah, it really is.

[Pete Holmes]

I used to have a bit. I only did it like five or six times, but again, it was trying to admit. Admit. Get men to admit that it's not that weird to be attracted to men. And I don't have to say this. It's. It's coming from the perspective of I'm a straight person. I. I enjoy. I love the ladies anchorman. Don't get me wrong. I love the ladies. But I was always trying to be like, if their. Mine was too crude, that's why I had to stop doing it. It was just too crude. I was like, picture an image of a guy jerking off on a butt. Like a lady's butt or something. And you're like, that's hot. That's great porn. And then it's like, cut out the lady. Like, it's mostly him.

[Val]

Yeah, but that's.

[Pete Holmes]

That's one of those. Oh, sorry, everybody. I moved my chair.

[Val]

These are the loudest chairs in America.

[Pete Holmes]

We're gonna get new chairs anyway. I don't even have to. You don't need me to help us through the rest of that thought. That's a waste of time. So, Girls Gone Wild.

[Val]

Yeah, Girls Gone Wild. And I don't. I didn't like because I was in the living room. I don't remember ever doing it then. But I would commit those images to memory.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah.

[Val]

And put them in the spank.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, talk about us being similar. And maybe it does have something to do with the churchiness. But, like, to me, the. The set. One of the sexiest things, the exploiting aside, because I had a friend that was almost. Was in one of those commercials.

[Val]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

But she was not in the videos. But she had to buy the video to watch it, looking for herself. But in the commercial that was her just dancing, like clothed. But she was like featured as like the kind of women you might see naked. Yeah. Because I'm sure the whole bar had like a release. Like if you're here, you can be used for the right word.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But apart from the exploitation, I thought and have always thought and still think. No, I'm just kidding. But like spring break has always been one of the most confusing and terrifying things in the world.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But also, obviously there's a curiosity there. I am like, like a 50 year old guy with a khaki vest and a mustache and tinted glasses living in an RV in Florida. Because I'm like, I don't want to go to spring break, but I'd like, I am a bit curious.

[Val]

He has like a telescope goes across.

[Pete Holmes]

That's what it is. I mean, what's the difference? Like this crew went in and filmed it for you and bought it for you. And so you don't have a telescope. It's basically a telescope. It's a legal telescope. But the difference is, and this is what I was actually getting at is like my book writing derriere in black and white. In a book that you could read at 7:30am Even. Yeah, it's. Earlier I believed the conceit at the time that these women were like all in. I didn't really understand that they were like fucked up. I had never been drunk.

[Val]

Right.

[Pete Holmes]

I didn't know neither.

[Val]

I knew they were drunk though.

[Pete Holmes]

I'm sure I knew they were drunk too, but I didn't really know what that meant.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I didn't know that it meant that you might do things that you later see yourself in an infomercial and have to watch every tape.

[Val]

I definitely didn't remember, didn't think of it that way either until just now where I was like, wait a minute, how did they get away with that? They must have, like you said, like as they were entering the bar, they signed the release like before they were drunk. And there must be like a.

[Pete Holmes]

You don't have to sign it. It's the same thing that you can put up a sandwich board. The most delicious type of notice. You put up a sandwich board that says by entering this establishment, you're giving your consent.

[Val]

Whoa.

[Pete Holmes]

But like if you show your, your, your Natty Ices, you have, you have to sign a release for that. You would, I'm pretty sure. But my friend didn't sign a release and there she was. I think that's legal because you see it in New York all the time. You're walking on a certain block, and it says, this is being filmed. You're a background actor.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sorry.

[Val]

But there. There must be, like a clause. Clause in the thing that they're signing that's like. And by the way, if you're drunk when you sign this, that's okay. That's totally legal.

[Pete Holmes]

Or it just says sound mind sort of thing, which is so.

[Val]

It's all so bad. I mean, they're not still doing it.

[Pete Holmes]

I am embarrassed to say that if you search Girls Gone Wild now, they seem to have just gone into pornography.

[Val]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, you can't find the. The flashing videos. And I'm embarrassed that. That you know that I know that, you know, it was a long time ago. It certainly was a long time ago because. Because now so much has changed. We've learned a lot.

[Val]

Yes. Yeah. Well, I'll say. I'll share another one. So that was like, the first kind of like, oh, I could use these images later. But then I think the first porn kind of. That I ever looked at, like, on the Internet was I searched the Wild Things sex scene.

[Pete Holmes]

Wild Things. Isn't that Dylan?

[Val]

Yeah. And Neve Campbell. And.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. I remember seeing that was beefed up to me. Beefed up to me. That was built up to me.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

In the same. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. As much as the Exorcist was sold to me as frightening. Wild Girls.

[Val]

Wild Things.

[Pete Holmes]

Wild Thing. The sex scene in Wild Things was built up as sexy to the same exact degree.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And when I saw that movie. And I don't want to body shame anybody, but it was so Hollywood to me. It's when I realized, like, what I consider. It's like, why strip clubs aren't. Don't do it for me. Like, like perfect Hollywood bodies. And.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Sort of like, am I right? And assuming, like, there's some work done on these bodies.

[Val]

I don't know about Neve Campbell, but I think Denise Richards definitely had.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it was. There was a boob job happening.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that always. I always feel like a creep talking about this. But, like, that. That always, like, ruined it a little bit for me. In fact, the first pornography I saw, courtesy of my brother, through the black and white viewfinder of my camcorder because that's the genius way I figured. Figured out how to watch it.

[Val]

Yeah. Just holding really genius.

[Pete Holmes]

A movie, like a tiny frame happened to be. And this is where you go, like, how much is me and how much is just what I was exposed to. First. Like, the first cut is the deepest sort of thing that could have changed my life because here I am so attracted to you, and the women that I saw were much more like you than they were like, Denise Richards. Is that. Can we get science on the phone?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, was it that.

[Val]

I wonder. I wonder. I sometimes think. Because I also find women with my body type attractive in general. And I think. I wonder if that's because my whole life I was looking for other women who looked like me to feel okay.

[Pete Holmes]

About my body speed. Agree, Val. I sometimes feel like I'm looking for women that look like if. If I were the same exact. That's not entirely true. I just wanted to get in on the fun. I like, but I. I'm with you. Like, sometimes part of the attraction is a familiarity. And even though I wouldn't say I specifically go out of my way for people that look like what I would imagine I would look like as a woman, that's overstating it. But I am looking for things that look like they're more in my ballpark because it's. It's not just physical attraction. It's actually a little solidarity or something.

[Val]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And that's why. I don't know, though, like, the Denise Richards of the world, always. I don't know. I guess I just never bought it. I don't know if my mom steered me away from that or where I got it.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Or if it just was, like, all the prettiest girls in high school and stuff. They always just seem so. You might as well try to date a minotaur. And those are men, I think. But it's not gay if it's mythical, is what I've always said. If it's a mythical beast, it's a new. It's a third new thing. It's not gay, straight, bi. It's actually a fourth new thing, and it's totally.

[Val]

Okay.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, yeah, I'm invoking the old idea that you had to say that.

[Val]

Yes.

[Pete Holmes]

The 80s, right?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You no longer have to say that your sexuality is beautiful.

[Val]

And guess what? Also, all bodies are beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. Including fake boobs.

[Val]

That's.

[Pete Holmes]

What's so funny is you have to even say that now.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

We have to circle back and protect. It's like protecting pigeons. It's like we have all these endangered animals that we're trying to, like, learn to love. Thicker milkshakes and curvy and this and that. And we're like, don't forget pigeons. It's like there's motherfucking pigeons everywhere.

[Val]

Okay. I feel like you did the opposite.

[Pete Holmes]

Of what we were trying to do for comedy. Yeah, I'm just wearing my mischief pants. I don't really feel that way, guys. Everybody's beautiful.

[Val]

Everybody's beautiful.

[Pete Holmes]

Especially fake boobs. Like, I can't. I can't find the middle ground.

[Val]

Just drop it.

[Pete Holmes]

Just. Fake boobs are the best. Wait, what? What? You're either pigeons or they're the best. I can't be subtle.

[Val]

Attraction is really fascinating because it does seem like I don't really have a type. Every man I've ever been. Every man I've ever been attracted to looks completely different from each other.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah. You're not one in a line of seven Valeries for sure.

[Val]

Right. And yeah. That's why I also look different from all of your past people.

[Pete Holmes]

And the one that was the curvy is closest to you. Sorry, I just want to. I just want to gloat. When we broke up, she was like, you'll see. You'll never find another person like me. I think she meant physically too. Like, she was just like. Because I've made this point a million times, it does seem to me to be more rare.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

For some one reason or another.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know, that seems to be held up. I'm using Mad Men, which is a fictional thing, but, like, the Jones of the World just seemed to be fewer and far between. And she was really making it sound like, this is. This is your one stop in paradise. Oh. I was like, if this is paradise, I'd like to turn down the thermostat where.

[Val]

What are all these flames?

[Pete Holmes]

This is paradise. What's all this crackling flesh? Cuz I am sizzling. Okay.

[Val]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

Night.

[Val]

Sizzling.

[Pete Holmes]

Oh, sorry. Www.sizzling.com Weirdo. Weird was taken.

[Val]

Oh, man.

[Pete Holmes]

You were saying?

[Val]

Oh, just that. Yeah. So my. I think that that was the point is that I. When I think back on the people that I'm attracted to, they all look different. And it is. It's kind of what's so fun about attraction is that it doesn't. It's kind of like music that you love or a joke that makes you laugh. Like you can't fully explain exactly what.

[Pete Holmes]

It is and why it is. And I think if you could follow the breadcrumbs in reverse.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You might be a little disturbed. I know I always go Freudian. I just. I don't even mean your mom or your dad. Yeah, I'm sure that's in the mix. It's like there's Something also that you have to just draw the distinction. I think I've made this point before, but, like, between, like, titillation and sexual attraction. Because there was a time that I remember being confused that there was a kid in my class who had a voice. This is before all our voices changed. And he sounded exactly like a girl. And I remember hearing his voice and thinking I was getting aroused, but I wasn't getting aroused, but I felt titillated, but I didn't know the difference. I just knew something about this kid's voice. And it was asmr.

[Val]

Oh, of course.

[Pete Holmes]

Until ASMR videos came out. That I was like, he had this, like, whispering, like, there's this thing going on, and I couldn't see him. And it was very quiet. And I remember just being like, this is. This is like. Like perfect shears going through silk. Yeah, it was like that. And it gives you that. Give me a little like that. But I remember. I don't remember being, like, afraid that I was gay, but I remember being confused that I was like, that kid just did something for me.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And if I lived in a more fertile environment for, like, feeling safe, I would have been like, hey, who are you talking to Friday night? I'm just kidding. No, but, like, I could have talked to somebody about it. I certainly kept that in the. In the vault.

[Val]

Yeah. It's so funny because I. I didn't. You're making me remember nights. Nights, that one of the first real live people that I would think about when I. I can't say. I don't know why I feel embarrassed.

[Pete Holmes]

I think it's funny when girls say jack in it.

[Val]

Okay. That I would think about when I was Jack in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Because it's like, you know, you can't jack. It's like there's a candle on the beach, and then suddenly there's just a huge shovel full of sand. You can't even see the candle anymore. Like, somebody said, blow out that candle, which is the tension of. What do I say?

[Val]

Just go, jack in it.

[Pete Holmes]

Jack in it. And everything is gone. You're not even a person anymore. You're just a thing that said jack in it. Could have been an owl. Like, sexuality is out the window. Nobody an owl, not even other owls. They're born from pinecones when they get a little wet and a little bit dry.

[Val]

That sounds almost true.

[Pete Holmes]

Yes. It also sounded like something Martin Short would say. They actually come from owls when they get a little bit wet and a little bit dry.

[Val]

That's right. That was very good.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, thank you.

[Val]

But anyway.

[Pete Holmes]

Okay.

[Val]

You just can't get enough of doing Selena Gomez right now. Oh, yeah. But the first real life person I thought of when I was jacking it was my friend Caitlin in eighth grade. And I never really. I remember I didn't even think about if that meant that I was gay or if I wasn't. Like, I. I think even then I had maybe like, an open idea of being like, that's just kind of what's working now. And then they'll be like beautiful boys that I think about, and then there'll be other girls that I think about. And it wasn't. But I do remember there being a phase where, because of the Christianity, I definitely think I felt guilty about it and I felt dirty about it, for sure. But there was a phase where I was like, I'm not. I'm not attracted to women. I just am attracted to what's bad. Because that's what purity culture does for you. That's what, like, Christian repression does. It does the exact opposite of what they're shooting for.

[Pete Holmes]

She. I'm in alone in a hotel room. You know, porn ordering goes way up when there's like, ministry conferences, youth pastors.

[Val]

Oh, my God.

[Pete Holmes]

I think I've told you that before.

[Val]

Maybe. I'm sorry if I forgot.

[Pete Holmes]

No, no. I just don't want the people that are like, I can't believe Elle. Yeah, I can't believe pizza the one again.

[Val]

But I do think there's. I mean, it is exactly. You're. You're training people to associate sex with something that shouldn't do. So then the only thing that really gets you off later is things that you shouldn't do.

[Pete Holmes]

This is interesting. You know how comedy, like, the more damaged you are typically. Typically. Not always. You tend to be, like, funnier.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Some of the funniest people I know in my own experience have, like, the most tumultuous pasts.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

I wonder if the people that are, like, jizz in the most epic or.

[Val]

I really hope my Aunt Anna doesn't listen to the this episode.

[Pete Holmes]

Anna, we love you. There's a bleeped version on our website. Sorry, that's. That's American Life joke.

[Val]

Oh, really?

[Pete Holmes]

They always. They. There's an. There. This is an unbleeped episode. For a bleeped episode, go to this American life dot org. Those are people leaving. I wonder. So trauma, difficult childhood leads to funny. I wonder if the people. I'll say it respectfully. Having the most fulfilling erotic sex lives. Oh, a Debt. Like, look at Madonna being like, let's light a bunch of Catholic candles and get some black Jesuses in here with all these black Jesuses. And like, let's get some a John the Baptist. Let's get a Korean John the Baptist over here. Just like real, like hot, naked Korean John the Baptist is over here. There's black Jesus. Let's have three black Jesuses over here. Actually, like that she. She was onto something. There's something about that taboo.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I know I've made this point a million so I won't make it in the way I've made it before, but I think there's almost a relationship in similar to trauma and being funny and repression and being like, capable of. I'm not. I'm trying to make lemonade. You know what I mean? Like, this has happened to me, but now I feel like my cake might be have an extra tear or two to it because, like, it just is what it is. It's always gonna feel a little bit naughty. Usually when we do it. That is not on my mind. But if I'm being honest, maybe 2, 3% is sort of like, I can't believe we're doing it. And that means maybe it's 2, 3% better than someone that was just raised by Charles and Nancy. The two sex positive, non body shaming, groovy moonwalking parents making you tuna alternative sandwiches and letting you watch the Facts of Life. How am I gonna sleep tonight? I'm getting all jacked up.

[Val]

Oh, God. Nights, nights, nights. So that was yous Made It Weird Nights.

[Pete Holmes]

Are we done? I don't know.

[Val]

Are we?

[Pete Holmes]

It seems like it a couple plugs read. I know this has been a filthy up. Filthy. It's been an juicy episode. It's been a juicy episode.

[Val]

Yeah, it's juicy.

[Pete Holmes]

Look.

[Val]

Juicy.

[Pete Holmes]

I think about this all the time. The truth, the level of truth. We would spit. That's a cow. Cowboys talk. If you got a truth man, spit it.

[Val]

Wait, what did you say? That's a what?

[Pete Holmes]

It's like, how cowboy is Doug? Oh, I thought you said something to confess. You spit it.

[Val]

I totally thought you said, that's a Kyle Cowboy song.

[Pete Holmes]

And I was like, please, you know.

[Val]

Tell me what Kyle Cowboy is.

[Pete Holmes]

No, I think about this all the time because I get frustrated. I won't say who, but sometimes people do my podcast and I want to say, like, would you just talk to me? Like, we knew we were going to be executing executed at the end of this interview. Would you please just talk to me like we knew at 11pm tonight we're executed. Because I'm tired of this, like, saving it. I'm tired of not talking about what we had secret sloppy jacks to. I'm tired of not talking about the weird ASMR kid in computer graphics class.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Like, what I'm saying is, yes, this episode was juicy. I like that word. It was juicy, but it wasn't dirty. Like, what I find dirty. This is completely real. This is not just self serving, although it does serve myself. What I find dirty is when people are just. They won't take their fucking khakis off and I just mean put on a pair of jeans or put on like something just a little bit.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

A little bit lower to the ground.

[Val]

Well, I.

[Pete Holmes]

And talk like we might be. We might explode later today. We don't know. And that. Not to scare us. I'm just saying, like, there. It's actually a Buddha. It's a line attributed to the Buddha. A lot of lines attributed to the Buddha or not. But he says the mistake you make is thinking you have time. And I know this is a very funny place to put a profound little teaching, but here we are at the end of our juicy, salacious jackoff talk, and I think there's a lesson there. And when I was talking with Father Greg, one of the things I think we enjoyed about each other, I'm very certain was that we just had a real talk. I wasn't putting on my priest Persona and he wasn't. We were talking like two people who love reality and love the universe and love God. But don't pretend that's my biggest aversion. I. I did that for so long.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Is. Is presenting one way and then feeling and talking frankly to my real friends in a different way.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I, like, I know this is a little heavy handed, but, like, who says people who talk about Jack and I can't also talk about love and as Father Greg calls it, the no matter whatness of God, which I'm very obsessed with. Let me make one other Father Greg point, because you got to read Tattoos on the Heart. I listened to it and it is incredible. Now that we're up in Ojai, I'm gonna be tearing through more books, so I have more to share with y', all, which is really cool. I'm loving the commute. That's. That's real. It sounds like I'm saying, like, I'm loving. I am. I read that book in a week. It was in four days, basically. It was awesome. He Said something that really blew my mind. And he was like, people always ask him if Homeboy Industries, which is his non profit that he started in la, that works in an area that's like sort of disputed over by five different gangs. So it's a very, you know, it's a troubled, I guess is the way that say it on the news area. And he went in and he started loving these, these, these people that needed love, that needed solidarity and kinship and all that stuff. And people always asked him for success stories. And one of the most interesting things in the book that he said that really blew my Western achiever mind, that only ever I've been very goal driven, success driven, results driven. And he says this about successes, I'm paraphrasing of course, but he's like, if your interest is success, you'll only work with people who are successful. You'll work with people who are like, as I said to my brother earlier today, I was like, espresso people like a certain type of intellect, a certain type of even schedule keeping, all that sort of stuff. You'll work with those people and you won't work with this type of people, even though these people may forget, may these people have value. But now you're interested not in people in kinship or community or dissolving margins or standing with the unrepresented. You're now interested in success. So it changes who you'll work with and also changes what you'll work on, what you'll do. Meaning if he was trying to be successful, the mission statement of Homeboy Industries would have been different. It would have been something you could succeed at. But like just loving people, you can't get like an airtight metric. They do have success, a lot of success. It's an incredibly successful ministry, but like you can tell it's not wired to get great numbers that build investors like a corporation. And I was like, oh my God, even creatively, I don't even think of it as a consideration. I don't pursue an idea unless I think it would be successful. That's how in the water I am. And I don't even know I'm in water. And that was one point that made that book utterly life changing for me. And he also talks about the privilege of standing with and loving the poor and the underserved. And that's just a converted person. Yeah, it's not about service. It's not about what he can do for them. It's about sharing his life with them and them sharing his life with him. And Having actual community. And I was like, oh, wow. I thought it was like, let's go in and make a difference.

[Val]

Difference.

[Pete Holmes]

Let's get that. This number down and this number up. And it was like, no, the ministry. It's like Mother Teresa stuff.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

She wasn't. She couldn't cure leprosy or whatever. She was going to do something that you can't win. Because the point. Mother Teresa says, we're not called to be successful. We're called to be faithful. And even if you don't have a faith, you know, like a religious system or belief system, you're faithful to one another. Because he says over and over that Mother Teresa says, the problem in the world is that we've forgotten that we belong to each other.

[Val]

I remember that one.

[Pete Holmes]

And then he also says, our goal is to imagine a circle of compassion. And now imagine it being so big that no one's outside of it and that there aren't people that are worth less than other people. And of course, we do. We constantly do this. Socially acceptable to do this. So here I am plugging this beautiful, earnest and lovely book. But after all this juiciness. But if there's anything unique that perhaps we're offering, it's exactly that.

[Val]

So you get the whole thing, the whole human experience, all the juice and the heart stuff.

[Pete Holmes]

What did that make you think of? Mom?

[Val]

I was just gonna say, will you share. Share the thing you told me about the. The scripture about the meek being with the. Blessed are the poor.

[Pete Holmes]

Blessed are the better translation.

[Val]

Yeah, the. I thought you got that.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, yeah, but we actually have more. I'm just kidding. We don't have more minerals here. He said that instead of blessed are in the Sermon on the Mount, a better translation would be, you're in the right place. If you're mourning, you're in the right place. If you're poor in spirit, you're in the right place. And that is, you know, it's a very backwards. For. As much as I love studying that stuff, and I've done a lot of research and listened to a lot of tapes and talks on the Sermon on the Mount, it still can elude me at times, and I'm not exactly sure. And I think that's sort of the point is it's so radical and we think we get it. But he's saying, you're in the right place. If you're heartbroken, you're in the right place. And I think tonight my interpretation is like, when your heart is broken, you need other people and you Attract other people and you connect and you congeal and you create a space that you could say, God would recognize or whatever.

[Val]

Yeah. I. And I've heard Mirabai stars say this and Tara Brak say that it's like when you're heartbroken, your heart is breaking open. It's. It's you. So you are in that heart space that sees way clearer than our brains that we're over identified with so often.

[Pete Holmes]

Because, yes, now we're there. Because I really think there is a death and resurrection that we go through in our lives if we're fortunate. And it's getting that brokenness and realizing who you are underneath it.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And I say this, I'll be the first to admit I don't want any of that. I have had it happen to me over and over again in small ways and in big ways.

[Val]

Yeah. That's what I was gonna say is that I don't. I used to think, and I loved this because I'm a comfort seeker, that that happened to us once, but now I think it does happen over and over in bigger and smaller ways. But it's just this constant sort of getting caught up and then getting devastated and broken and really the like, the feeling of grief, this. The terrifying feeling of grief is, oh, my God, this is gonna annihilate me. And I think the answer is, yes, it is. But. But there is always a rebirth. And it's like, yes, it is, but it's not gonna be how you think it is.

[Pete Holmes]

That's right.

[Val]

Like, just let it annihilate you. You'll be glad later.

[Pete Holmes]

And what's left after the annihilation. Yeah, that's. I love that. I'm also reminded. I'm reminded of when Ram Dass said, I don't wish you the stroke, I wish you the grace from the stroke. So it's like, I don't want. He on the other end of his stroke. Saw that you're in the right place when you're broken.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

But he would say, not everybody has to do it this way. And I wouldn't wish this on you because it's been awful.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Isn't that interesting?

[Val]

That's really interesting. And that's so interesting because my dad actually has one of his sayings that I really like, and he just said it to me yesterday when I was on the phone is everybody wants to see a miracle, but no one wants to need one.

[Pete Holmes]

Wow.

[Val]

And it's so similar. It's like.

[Pete Holmes]

Yeah, like.

[Val]

But there is this. This thing of. I mean, I know, it's slightly different. Like, maybe you can get the grace from the stroke without the stroke, maybe. But it's also like. Or maybe, you know, you don't. And that's the game. And that's beautiful, too.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's one. If Father Greg really hammers something home gently and patiently. In the book, he's not yelling from the pulpit, but it's that there's things worse than death, and it's not knowing who you are. And he tells these stories of. He calls them the homies, having profound, mystical moments where they see themselves as how God sees them. And it brings them to tears. It brings him to tears. And it's beyond words. It's not an intellectual or even a poetic. Like I saw, it's like, simple, gorgeous. It happened. And that's what he says over and over. He's like, and that's something death can't touch. And he says, it's coming out. Not this week, but I believe the week after my chat with Father Greg.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

And he. One of the quotes in it is, he goes, death is a punk. That's what we say at homeboy. We go, death is a punk. Meaning it's common. It takes your life. But there's things worse. And it's not ever in this life figuring out that you were completely loved and accepted. Not only loved and accepted by a subject object, but made of love and accepted acceptance. Made of your maker.

[Val]

Yeah. But also, even if you do keep it more simple. Like, what that just made me think of is, I've been thinking lately, because I've been going through a tough week, and we'll talk about that probably on another episode, but. And I just have such a strong support system. And my parents, I'm so lucky, are the types of parents that I can call them. And when something goes really wrong and they make me feel better about, like, I feel supported. And my friends are so supported and are so supportive. And I was thinking, like, of course I believe and have always been able to believe that God or something bigger than me is actively loving me. Because that's one of the first things I felt. I was fortunate enough to feel my parents very much actively loving me. And so it's like, that's just ingrained in me. And an atheist or a materialist may think, like, yeah, so I'm just projecting that sort of experience onto a God, maybe. Sure. But what I think it is, is we can, when we love each other purely like that, we're showing each other how God feels about us.

[Pete Holmes]

I would Say, that's exactly. I don't know. I haven't heard him put it that way.

[Val]

Yeah, but it seems like that's exactly what they're doing. And what's beautiful about it is that you can do it at any stage in your life and it can be anyone. It doesn't have to be your parents when you were young.

[Pete Holmes]

Well, that's what I mean is now when there's difficult people, and by difficult, I mean difficult for me to love them or like them. Now I see the privilege in just giving people what they need.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

It's changing how I'm working. It's changing relationships. It's been incredible. Just. Just cut. Richard Rohr does this, too. Just cut to it and just give them what they need.

[Val]

Mirabeistar does it too.

[Pete Holmes]

But we talk about the no matter what. No, of God. We haven't called it that, but that's what Father Greg calls it. The unconditional. Yes. Of God. The ground of your being. And this supporting love is been too watered down of a word, but this. Right? And we talk about that, but we don't. I haven't given enough thought to. When we love like that, we're reminding people of something very ancient, deep, as true as it gets.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

So he tells the story. I wouldn't be able to ruin the book for you guys if you're gonna read it, even if I told you every single story I remember, which is a good number of them. But he tells the story about a homie coming in his office with, this was a report card. And he shows it to Father Greg and he goes, look, I got straight A's. And Father Greg opens the report card. He goes, oh, wow, it's. So he calls them Miho. He's like, I think that means son.

[Val]

Yeah, my son.

[Pete Holmes]

And he's like, oh, Mio, I'm so proud of you. And he opens the report card and it says, D, C, D, A, F, C. And he's just like, what do you do? But he's not really saying, what do you do? He just goes like, I'm so proud of you. Straight A's. Like. It's like on Bluey, it's like, don't teach them chess. Teach them. Don't teach them head stuff. Teach them hard stuff.

[Val]

I'm just wondering if you. If you had seen that episode yet.

[Pete Holmes]

I haven't seen all of it, but the third season of Blue is out and it's incredible. No surprise, but it's like. It's the most obvious thing in the world. That very few of us do, which is love as we know God to be for real. Not love. How we fear God is based on how we are, or our scary dads were, or a scary grandfather or whatever it was. Whoever hurt you distorted it. But, you know, the thing behind the stars and the lilies and the lakes and the oceans and the light behind your eyes is not your drunk dad. And so those little straight A moments where you just say, congratulations, son, are, like, way more important than going, actually, this isn't straight A. This is one A. Is that what you meant?

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Come on, sit down. I'm gonna explain to you what straight A's mean. Sometimes it's just. And something about the heightened intensity of life down there makes it even more vital.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

You know what I mean? Again, we're back to the Buddha. The mistake we make is we think we have time. Meaning I'll love my son or my daughter or my friend or my brother unconditionally later. Maybe when they're, like, old or sick, then I'll give them unconditional love. You don't. You have. There's no guarantee. What do you. I know that's the most cliche thing, but, like, what are you doing pretending you have time and you can apply that to enlightenment. Like, let's put down our bags right now and just for a second, be one with everything. Instead of going, like, I'll be enlightened. When I've read enough books or done enough meditation, it's just, like, become love now.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

When else are you gonna do it? It's gotta be now.

[Val]

It's gotta be now.

[Pete Holmes]

All right. I'm gonna watch some pornography. If you could leave me alone. Or you could stay. The funniest, dumbest way to end the podcast.

[Val]

That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that.

[Pete Holmes]

Thank you, Mama. This was awesome. I have really. That's what? That was the other strand that I forgot.

[Val]

Oh, wow.

[Pete Holmes]

Which is. Weekends are over. I've been wanting to do a bit about it before you have a baby, weekends are a thing. Then you have babies, and then weekends are just harder. It's awesome. I spent so much, wonderful time with Leila today, but I don't get to talk to you. And the joke that Val and I make incredibly lovely is, I'll talk to you in 16 years. But I'm so glad that we have this podcast and even had to, like, get it out now.

[Val]

Yeah.

[Pete Holmes]

Because we wouldn't have done this if. No, we weren't on a treadmill that we have to keep going. So I'm glad that we have this treadmill.

[Val]

Me too. And thanks for listening, everybody. And keep it crispy.