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Connecting to Your Inner Masculine and Feminine: How to Embody Both Your Soft and Protective Energies
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We are all created with the ability to access both our inner masculine and feminine energies. These energies shape how we move through the world, but are not confined to gender or societal expectations. In this episode of You Make Sense, Sarah breaks down the science behind these polarities, how nature reveals that they’re universal and designed for survival, and why we all carry both within us. You’ll learn about what causes us to disconnect from one of these energies, how society distorts them from the moment you’re born, and why you might identify with one more than the other depending on the area of life. Sarah also unpacks how each of these energies plays out in romantic relationships and steps to begin leaning more into your true self. Finally, Rachel joins Sarah to answer questions from listeners that touch on healing protective parts, staying in the present, and joining instead of merging.
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Hi, I'm Sarah, and welcome to youo Makesense. I'm a somatic experiencing practitioner, an expert on trauma resolution, attachment parts work, and nervous system regulation. This podcast is a manual to understanding your human experience so that you can navigate the world with freedom, ease, empowerment, and create the life that you desire. Remember, you make sense all parts always. So in this episode, I'm going to explain the science behind the terms masculine and feminine energy. In many ways, they've been hijacked by the world of self help and spirituality and have left a lot of people feeling like they are either not included or feeling misunderstood by them. So what I'd like to do is explain, using science, how these experiences are an inherent part of being human and not just being human, an inherent part of being in the animal kingdom. Both of these qualities are natural and inherent rhythms of embodying our softness, our intuition, our ability to deeply bond and connect, and also to protect. And as I named a moment ago, these are mammalian features. They are not connected to gender or identity or our sexuality in any way. And that's really why I decided to do this episode, because I think so much of the time when we think about those two different terms, that's the way we hear them. And so my hope is that, that this really supports you to be able to come back into these beautiful qualities that exist inside of every living being. And I'm also going to explain why it's really imperative that we do this in order to have a full, happy life. And then later, we'll talk about how this shows up in relational dynamics. So, like a lot of episodes, I use nature as a teacher for us, and I'm going to do that right now. A moment ago, I said that these are not gender specific. They're something that we all have the inherent ability to experience and must experience. For example, if you look at hyenas, the female identifying hyenas are the ones that are actually in charge of that pack. And the females are actually bigger in size than the males. If we look at elephants, the matriarchal elephant is female. She is in charge of the herd. So I just want to name that that again, just, just to reiterate this, that it has nothing to do with. With gender or our identity. So every animal in nature is oscillating between these two energy systems within themselves. So the lioness goes from being in that softness with her cubs, why does she need to be in that, what we call feminine energy? Because the feminine energy is what allows her to be deeply connected to intuition. Which she needs to, to guide the tribe. It allows her to be deeply connected to her. So her ability to attune, which means her ability to bond with the cubs, that is very, very important. Now she also has the ability to oscillate out of that and come into this protective energy which we call the masculine energy in order to protect the cubs. And not just her own cubs, but the other cubs in the pride as well. What we can see here is imagine that that cub, uh, lioness was only oriented towards being in her softness or feminine energy. She wouldn't be able to survive, she wouldn't be able to protect anyone, nor would her cubs survive or would the pride survive. It's very, very important that she has both. Now if she was only in that protective energy or the masculine energy, she wouldn't be able to bond with her cubs and bond with the other members of the, the pride. It is vitally important that she bonds with the other grown females. Why? Because they together as a team in order to hunt. So the bonding is vital. And if she was just oriented towards that protective energy, the more masculine energy, she wouldn't have access to that really important softness. So we ebb and flow between both of these qualities. And again, as I named, everything in nature does this. I also just want to say, cause a moment ago I gave an example of hyenas and the, the female hyenas being more the leadership role in the pack, which would be more of that masculine energy. I just want to give an example of gorillas for a second. So gorillas are in a family or a troop. And there is one silverback gorilla that is in charge and that is decided by whomever is embodying that masculine or their protective energy the most. And the troop or the family is going to decide who that is based on who's most powerful and who has the ability to hold that prot. To the highest degree. Why? Because we want that person, they're not a person. We want that gorilla to be the one that is leading. Because if they're leading, there is a higher likelihood of survival. It's really fascinating and brilliant how animals do this, right? And it's not because that one is the most, the tallest, the most macho seeming, they, they play the most sports. And I know I'm giving you silly, what seemingly silly examples but, but our, our species has really hi terms and, and use them in a way that is so oriented towards gender identity. And so I just want to show you here how it really has nothing to do with that. And Inside of that family of gorillas, there'll also be other silverback gorillas who are also very, very strong. But they know that they have to acquiesce to the main silverback gorilla, otherwise they will be kicked out of the family and they'll be kicked out and then they have to start a family of their own. And which happens all the time with gorillas. They will take on more of that beta role or more of the submissive role, and embody more of that softness. I've watched gorillas like within inches, where I so feel really lucky to have been able to do that. Some of the best experiences of my life. And I observed that happening. I could see the main silverback being very, very dominant in his masculine. And then I saw these other silverbacks who were very strong, who still had that much more than some of the other gorillas, but they were really leaning into more of that soft energy in order to be led by the main silverback. And I just want to name here that in. We'll get to this further in, in a little bit in the episode, but that in any relational dynamic, in order to create cohesiveness and to create polarity, specifically in our romantic relationships, there has to be a dynamic where one person is more predominantly in the role of being that in that leadership role, holding of the container, holding of the relationship and protector, someone's more in that energy. And then someone is more in the soft, what we'll call feminine energy of being led and surrendered and being fully embodied in their experience, being led by their intuition, bringing more joy and aliveness and curiosity and play into the relational container. And when we have that polarity, it creates attraction. So we're drawn to each other and we fit together, bringing these beautiful qualities to one another. And so again, if we look in nature, when we have a pride of female lion lionesses, there's going to be one that is more. She is more in the. That leadership role. And so she's predominantly taking that energy on. And then others will be less in that role. So really important to understand this. It's also very common with gorillas. Let's say that there is one gorilla, usually this is female because she's the one birthing the babies, whom is picked to be the leader in the feminine role. And she's the one that's going to birth the. Birth the most babies usually. And so again, nothing to do with gender, nothing to do with identity, simply to do with truly, at its core, survival and coming into the fullness of who we actually are. Which goes beyond gender identity. So as I named, we all have the natural ability, and by the way, not just ability, need to experience both of these energetic qualities within ourselves. And at the same time, we are all going to lean towards usually one or the other. It might even be that in one area of our life, we lean towards more of that soft surrender, openness, intuitiveness, that feminine energy. Uh, maybe in our romantic relationships or friendships, that's where we lean. And then maybe in our careers, we really lean into that more masculine energy. And that's how we, we lead in our work. So just know that you can oscillate depending on the area of life. But we all tend to have one of these energetic qualities that our system is wanting to experience and to be expressed through. And what happens along the way in our lives is it's very common that we disconnect from one of those energetic qualities. So this ability to access both becomes inhibited when we experience trauma or when we are conditioned out of being in both of those energies. Or essentially that means we're told that it's not good for us to experience one or the other or that it's not acceptable. Here's an example of that. Our culture really sends a message. I mean, beginning with gender reveals when someone's pregnant that to be a little boy means you like the color blue. Isn't that so bizarre and strange? And to be a little girl means you like the color pink. Most gender reveals when someone's pregnant. Those are the colors they choose. Why isn't it that purple and orange are chosen? Or why isn't it that the boy is getting pink and the. The girl is getting blue? Because we have, we have signified or identified. These lighter colors are softer colors are feminine and, and attached to our identity and gender. So let's say we have a. This sweet little boy comes into the world, and he naturally has the ability to feel and experience both his softness feminine and his strength, his masculine and protection masculine. But what happens is oftentimes, especially if you're my generation or older, little boys were conditioned out of that. Did you ever see a movie as a child where the, the, the boy or the man in the movie, when we were showing his strength, we showed him crying and feeling emotions and feeling empathy for others. Nope, that's not what we saw. What did we see? A knight in shining armor. That was the mess. And look at the metaphor of that, right? I'm armored up. I am a fighter. I am strong. And what do we make strong? What have we correlated strength with not with men feeling deeply, but with men being disconnected from feelings and being fully and wholly in this protective energy. And it's robbing a little children on both sides, or regardless of gender, of being in both of these experiences. So what does that little boy do? He learns that being in that softness and that tenderness and that ability to deeply feel and be sensitive makes him less of a boy. That's the message that's given. And so they little children wall that off. And so the, the experience is, if I'm in that energy, I'm not good. So that experience of being a full human becomes suppressed for these, you know, everyone starts out as this innocent, beautiful child. And what does that little boy, he learns that the emotion that is acceptable is frustration and anger. That's the only thing that, that is available to him to feel, that won't make him feel less of a little boy. And that's what culture expresses as well. And so every emotion has to go somewhere. If it is not going out, it stays locked and stored inside of us. And so then what occurs is this beautiful boy grows up to be a beautiful man who does not know how to feel and only knows how to express anger, because that was the only thing that was available. And so that is what comes out when really what, what, what wants to be experienced and held is this feminine container in this feminine energy of I'm actually scared, but I'm not allowed to be scared. I'm actually suffering, but I'm not allowed to suffer. I'm actually overwhelmed, but I'm not allowed to be overwhelmed. I'm actually experiencing so much adoration of you, but I can't express it in that soft way because it makes me less of a man. Here's this hijacking, right, of these. What are, what are protective energies and, and soft, intuitive, vulnerable energies hijacked by our society. And so part of healing for that person is to be able to come into this softness again. And I'm going to guide us through a process on how to do that. But when we are not connected to both, we suffer in a really big way. Now let's look at children that are born as, as girls. What was the message there? You are helpless. And look at the knight in shining armor rescues you. And in order for you to be a good little girl, you have to only be in your softness. This is changing. I want to name for anyone who has kids now. It's amazing. Like if you look at movies now versus what they were, they've really transformed, transformed wonderfully. So Our society is making shifts here on both ends. But what we're taught is a little girl who gets frustrated. No, that's not okay. You're not allowed to do that because then you aren't a little princess anymore. And to be a little princess means you can't be a full human, just like being a little boy. To be a little boy, you can't be a full human. And to be, regardless of being a boy or girl, to be a human being, you have to choose one or the other. You cannot be both. And so what occurs is that child learns. In order for me to be loved, accepted and good, I have to do, I have to deny this powerful protector within myself. And that's what we learn to do along the way. And then we show up in our adult lives and our system is looking for somebody else to rescue us, somebody else to be our knight in shining armor, someone else to be the light at the end of our tunnel. And we inhibit this, this powerful part of ourselves that's also necessary to step into our life's calling. It's necessary for us to lead. And women are powerful leaders. People who identify as female are powerful leaders. So I'm just going into gender here on purpose because I want you to see how, how our, our culture has, has really robbed people as a whole of being able to be in both of these energetic qualities. And part of our work is whichever one has not been accessible for you for us to come back into it. Not sure where to start with Somatic Healing. My free quiz, what's keeping you stuck? Will equip you with a personalized guide and tangible trauma informed tools to help you regulate your nervous system. Check out the link in the show notes to get started. Now I want to look at trauma here for a second and how that impacts our ability to experience one or the other. So if I had experiences in the past, let's. I'm going to go into childhood, but let's say rooted in childhood, where my system learned that if I am actually to say something back, if I'm to say in my family system, hey, what's happening here isn't okay. That would be accessing that more masculine, protective energy within myself. I would have been shamed, harmed, hurt or abused. Or perhaps even at school, if I actually spoke up to a teacher and said I, I actually want to challenge what you're saying a lot of times, at least again, if you're my age or older, that was not allowed, that was not acceptable. And before my time, there was a messaging that Children are meant to be seen, not heard. So that really means inhibit that protective response for myself. I inhibited that protective response growing up in my home. That was abusive, because if I actually fought back, something worse would have happened. So we developed these protectors. Listen to the episodes we have on parts work. And that protector, for me, said, the right response here in this moment is not to be in this protective energy and instead is to fawn and be more in that. That feminine quality. That's how you're going to survive. Fawning is acquiescing or becoming what we think the other person wants us to be in order to maintain safety. So we say yes when we don't mean yes. We. We don't fight back when we really want to. We don't run away when that would be the choice that we would like to do. We overly focus on the other person. We become agreeable. So I disconnect from my own needs, from my own truth. I don't defend myself in a masculine, active way, but I want you to know at the same time, you are defending yourself through this protective part that learned to. To. To be in this softness and be in this, in many ways, helplessness. That's another protector that develops who's primarily anchored in more of what we'll call the feminine energy. That if you learned the way that you received love was by being helpless. So when you couldn't take care of yourself, that's how your caregiver came in and showed you love. So guess what we're gonna do? We're gonna adapt and be more predominantly in that energy. So for others of us, when we've experienced trauma in the past, we're a vulnerable part of us. That soft, beautiful part of us was exposed and was harmed or hu. Or neglected or abandoned. We can develop a protector that is ferociously devoted to making sure the vulnerable part never feels that again. And that means that they're going to harness the power of that protective force or that masculine energy to do so. So if this is us, we may notice that we're really hard to help. We don't let ourselves lean on anybody else. We're disconnected from our bodies. So I disconnect from my emotions and my feelings altogether. I might be really analytical of things. So instead of getting into the felt sense experience of it, I just approach it from a much more disembodied, analytical way. We also might notice that we lean towards frustration as the emotion that arises, even if that's not really what we're feeling. Uh, we might Be the person that presents as we have it all together. And we don't really allow people to get too close to us. All of these are ways in which we are hyper oriented towards this more masculine energy as a way to survive. So I just wanna name here, it's the conditioning and also trauma that, that supports us to lean fully towards one or the other. And part of our work is coming back into the internal balance and being in this masculine, more protective energy and being in our softness and our more feminine energy. I do wanna name that all creatures, all living beings and mammals and us tend to have a leaning towards one or the other more predominantly. So I'm just gonna make something up here. In terms of percentage, might be that I'm 75% leaning in this more masculine protective energy and 25% in my feminine. And again, animals in the wild are doing this too. You may find that in certain areas of your life you are more predominantly leaning into your feminine, like maybe in your romantic relationship. And then when it comes to your work, you lean more fully into your masculine. That's actually my experience. When I'm focused on my career and my calling in my life. I think of it much more that way than my career. I'm really holding my masculine energy as the. The leading force in it. When I'm working with clients or running programs, that masculine energy or that protective energy needs to be the force field for the container. Now, I will say it's not the only energy that shows up. I have to pair that, of course, with my feminine. And that's what allows me to be deeply attuned and have deep listening and to listen intuitively to what is transpiring or occur and be in this nurturing, soft role. When you mix both together in terms of the work I do, it really provides for the container. Container necessary to create the healing that we need. And again, if anyone's leading in the world and you're using that masculine energy in order to lead, well, you cannot just have that. You need a component of that feminine energy coming in. Then in my romantic relationship, I take that hat off of primarily being in my masculine energy and I allow myself to be in that feminine role and be led. Because that's what my system is really desiring in order to feel fulfilled in a romantic dynamic. But that doesn't really have anything to do with my gender identity. And what I mean by that is we might have a heterosexual couple and the person that identifies as female really has a deep desire to take on more of that masculine energy. In the relational container. And usually that means that her partner, and let's say that partner identifies as male, will be taking on more of that soft feminine energy. And that can be an absolutely beautiful dynamic. So again, I'm just giving these examples because I want us to take off this, this, this, this, this conditioning that we have been sold. And same goes, of course, if we're non binary and maybe two non binary people together in a relationship, one person is going to be taking on more of that protective component of the energetic quality in the relationship and somebody's going to be taking on more of that softness and we can oscillate between the two. Again, that doesn't mean that's the only energy present. It means that that's the predominant one that we are experiencing in those relational Dyn dynamics. So let's talk about how we come back into accessing both of these energetic qualities within ourselves. We want to be able to equally be able to experience both in order to have successful relationships, but also in order to have a successful life. The first most important thing is we have to reparent our parts. So we have to begin coming to the aid of those young vulnerable parts and meeting them with our soft attuned self. And we have to begin coming to the protection of, of those protective parts and showing them that we can be the ultimate protector. Now there are two qualities that make a parent a good parent are two overarching qualities. And that means that when we're reparenting our parts, we need both of these qualities too. That you are soft and loving and you are a ferocious protector. Look back to the examples of a lion or lioness. How are they with their cubs? They are soft and loving and sweet and attuned and connected. And if anyone is going to harm their cubs, they're ferociously protected. All of the sudden they go from being really soft to being quite scary in a lot of ways. And our job is to be able to access both of those energies within ourselves and reparent our parts in the process. So once we've done this work and we are able to access both of these energies, I really think this is the point where we can get clear on and what does this mean for myself in terms of which energetic quality do I want to be accepted, experiencing and more fully expressed in my life and particularly in my romantic relationships and relationships of all kind. But I'm going to look specifically at romantic relationships right now. You really can only know that once you have come into tending those younger parts from that place. I'M really connected to who am I? Not based on trauma, but based on who I actually am. Now let's say that someone says, yeah, I'm realizing I've been very hardened and very. In that protective energy alone, you know, most of my life, which I was, by the way. And the more that I. That did this work, I started to realize, actually I really want to feel what it's like to be expressed as this soft, feminine me predominantly in my relationships when I was in high school and in even middle school. And then beyond that, I was very dominant in my masculine energy because it wasn't safe for me to be in my softness. And so if you know, anyone that knew me growing up, I never. I certainly never would cry about anything. I was not soft. I was not soft with others either. And in doing this work, I took off that protective part, their protective part, to put it a different way. That protective part was able to relinquish that job of protection.
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And then underneath that was who I actually am. And who I am is somebody whom deeply wants to experience this softness. Now I want to talk about if that's you, how do I actually lean into softness in this feminine. In a relational dynamic with the other person being more in their masculine. There's way too much messaging out there that we're supposed to just surrender into somebody else. Just let go and surrender into them. It's not possible to do that. Your nervous system and your parts won't let you. The only way that you can surrender into another person in a romantic relationship or surrender into life itself is if you are first surrendered into you. Otherwise, what in the heck am I letting go into the abyss of nothingness, which for many of us will replicate what trauma is. So the more that I became my own internal protector, the most important protector for myself, that means that I always have my own back. I am never going anywhere. And because of that, it then allowed me to lean into this softness so that, for example, with my partner, I could open and let him see all parts of me. And not only let him see all parts of me, but let him hold and protect and caretake and tend to these different parts of myself. And that was something, something I deeply, deeply desired in romantic relationships. So first I had to protect myself, become that primary pec to protector. Then we have to build our capacity to open. It's not something that we can just do, you know, overnight. So that meant for me in. In a tie traded way, allowing myself to be seen more and allowing myself to relinquish the reins of control more, which was, you know, what was known to me. It also required me to lean into receiving. And it's something that I would deflect, you know, for a really long time. And if my partner, even if he asked me, like, how can I help? The answer would usually be, I don't know. I'm fine. I don't need it. So instead we want to say, well, even though it feels uncomfortable, what might be a tolerable step, which could be, can you just hold me for a second? Can you hug me right now? So that is me softening into that more protective, masculine container. Partner. Expressing or showing emotion more readily with your partner that is leaning into this energetic quality. We also want to practice being in our softness with ourselves. So this means connecting deeply to your intuition, to your creativity, and to your full expression of pleasure and aliveness. So if you have a spiritual practice, really leaning into that, connecting to nature and listening and intuition, really into leaning into that. What brings pleasure to you? So things that I can lean into, like creating art or dancing or taking a bath, even, so how can I experience more pleasure and embodiment? What is it like to be more present to my body and to myself? And the more that we do this, the more we open up the aperture of our experience to blossom in this energetic way and allow another person to hold us from that place. So now I want to talk about how we begin leaning into our healthy masculine and embodying that protective energy in a relational container. If that's the energetic quality that we really identify with and want to hold space for in the relationship. A lot of people in this role can tend to want to focus more on the other person and protecting and taking care of them as the prior as the priority over self. But the truth of the matter is it's very, very important that this process first begins. Intern. If you look at. Again, we're always going to use nature as a teacher here in. In. In most communities of animals, whether that's, you know, a pack, a pride, a a herd, whomever is in this role is usually the one who eats first. And why is that? Because they need to be fed both physically but really metaphorically in order to hold the container of that relationship. So I just want to really name that. It's. It's really vit. If whomever is in this role, that it's not just looking out, like, how do I take care of you? The taking care of them starts with the taking care of you. And so what we have to first do is Become both the soft attuned parent to our younger parts and then we have to become the ferocious protector of them. Becoming the soft attuned protector of our parts is what really allows us to show up in a healthy way as the protector inside of the relational container. Because it's allowing us to have deep ability to empathize and to feel for our parts and to feel with them and not feel like we have to fix them. It's really common when people are in this role in a relationship that the other person may complain and say, you're just trying to fix it. I'm not looking for you to fix me. I want you to just hear me and I want you to feel what I'm feeling instead of going into that pragmatic place of fixing. And so the more that we can internally do this for our younger parts, whom are waiting for us to do that for them, now we have an imprint of what this is like and how we actually lead from this really beautiful, healthy, embodied, protective place. So once I do that, then I need to also embody fully what it's like to be in this protective energy or protective quality. So we go to this place as I named of not fixing, but holding. Now I know how to embody that in this protective, masculine container. And also at the same time, I'm building my capacity to tolerate another suffering, particularly a loved one's suffering. If I can do that with my parts, then I can do it for others. So instead of trying to make it different, I can be the steady rock. I am the container where you can come to and feel any feeling and I will be unmovable. That's what it's really like to be in this protective energy. It's a powerful, powerful role to have in a relationship. And I want you to see how nuanced here this is, that, that it isn't just the, the, you know, the, the warrior. It is this what makes someone a warrior is their ability to deeply feel with you. And as they feel with you, they're the ones saying, I'm not afraid of what makes you afraid. I am holding this with you and for you. I am not trying to change it from this place. We also then embody this more protective energy. So I attune with the young parts in a soft way and then I protect them ferociously. The ability to do that is what makes me the solid rock. And it's also what makes me have the ability to lead with confidence instead of feeling unwavering. I am so confident in my ability to guide to lead, to protect. This also builds our capacity to set boundaries. So in any relational dynamic, and we have this polarity of one person being in the softness and one person being in more of that protective energy, their job is to really hold boundaries. And so when someone tries to in the relationship, they're pushing against our boundary not to acquiesce and, and, and to do what, what, you know, they might in that moment really want us to do, which is not, not actually what they're wanting. If you look at, by the way, kids, for example, they need a parent to set healthy boundaries. Without boundaries, they don't feel safe. So our ability to do this and instead of becoming what, you know, is the term that's often used when this isn't embodied, which has a real negative connotation to it, of course, but I'm just going to use this because it's commonly said is when someone becomes like a doormat where you can say whatever you want to them and you can project things onto them, and they just take it and take it and take it it. They don't, they then don't feel safe to us. Someone feels safe when they lovingly say, like a steady rock, you can't speak to me that way, or that's not okay, or I really want us to look at this. I'm going to lead our relationship. So I just want you to see here the nuance of all of this. And it's far different from the messaging that we are, that we are certainly sold in culture. So when we're able to embody these things for ourselves in this more protective, masculine role, we can then show up this way for other people. And it's what allows us to be a full human being and not have to show up as this caricature of what it means to be the protector. When I'm actually really scared inside, I can let myself be really scared because that's human. And I can comfort the parts that are scared instead of trying to deny that and pretend it's not going on, because I'm sold this message that leading and being in this energy means that I have to be tough and strong and not afraid. What makes someone, you know, really good at being in this role is that they're brave. And bravery means also turning towards the emotions that are present. And as you can see, to embody both of these roles, I need that other energetic quality to be in my feminine. I need my masculine energy to hold myself with safety inside, to be in that, the, the masculine role in that protective energy. I need my softness in order to be able to lead well in attune. When we are able to do this as individuals, we are. We're able to feel fullness in life. We're able to show up as our authentic self. And when we come into relationships and we are able to have this dynamic of polarity, it really creates beautiful health inside of a relational container. I also just want to say again, uh, this is all nuanced. So if you're in a romantic relationship, there might be moments of time in life where someone who's predominantly in that leadership role and in that more masculine role really needs your tending. Um, because there's parts that need to be addressed or traumas that are arising. And that means that the other person is going to resource that energy that they have because they've worked the muscle of being in both of these energetic qualities. When we do this, we come back into our natural beingness that all animals experience. You Make Sense is something that I have been saying for a very long time. It began by saying it to myself as I was venturing on my own healing journey. It became so clear to me how I wasn't broken and things weren't confusing. They and I made so much sense. And then I found myself saying it to my individual clients when I had an individual practice. And then it moved beyond that into creating. Creating programs and offerings for other people around the world so they could experience that too. One of those programs is called you Make Sense. And inside of that program, I take over a decade of clinical training and therapeutic expertise, and I bring it all together in one place. More often than not, on our healing journeys, we have to go to so many different providers to get different interventions or modalities. Things like parts work or ifs somatic experiencing and that kind of embodied work, boundary work, attachment and relational work. That's what I had to do on my journey. And it's an exhausting process to have to find so many different practitioners to go to. Umake sense came into existence because what I realized was how much each of these modalities need each other like a web in order for us to experience holistic healing. So all of them are brought together inside of this program so that you don't have to go to multiple clinicians or practitioners. You can get it all here in one place. The program also brings you through a roadmap that is necessary for holistic change and healing. It's not public knowledge that there's actually an order to the healing process. And when we follow that order Things happen in a really expedited way. This program is only offered to twice a year, so I invite you to get on the wait list for it. We've linked that in the show notes, and when you join the wait list, you get limited time access to reduced pricing. Check out the show notes to join. So let's get to the Q and A portion of this episode. We have Rachel back here with us today. For anyone who is new to this podcast. First of all, welcome. I'm so glad that you're here. And I just want to introduce you to the very special person that Rachel. Rachel is. She's a trained social worker. She's been on my team for quite some time. She runs every program community that I have, as well as lots of the calls, too. And she compiles a lot of these questions for us and. And joins us on many of the episodes. So it's good to have you back here with us today, Rachel.
- [38:28]
B
Oh, thank you. It's really lovely to be here. And I've been reading through the questions already, and I just feel like I could have asked this one myself, probably like, not even that long ago, like seven months ago, when my partner moved in. So I'll read you the question and then I'll share how it relates so strongly. Okay. It feels impossible to let my partner help me. Everyone in my life says that I'm hard to help, but I get resentful when I'm doing it all myself. How do I change this? And so for me, when my partner moved in, I didn't know how to let him help me. I had lived by myself with my two kids for nearly 10 years, and I just was so used to. Used to just getting on with stuff and doing it. And, yeah, it just felt so weird that he wanted to help so much and he literally had to wrestle the Hoover out of my hand one day. It's like, he was just like, what are you doing? You've got such a busy day. Let me do that. And I'm just like, no, I need to do it. So I can't wait to hear what you say about this, Effy.
- [39:27]
A
Did you notice, Rachel, that it was reflexive when he said, hey, for anyone who is does not live in. In the uk, Hoover means vacuum. Which I just learned before getting on this call with Rachel when she read me the question for the first time, did you find that it was reflexive when he said, wait, let me do that? You have a really busy day? Was it. What was it like when you responded with, no, I'LL do it. Can you just, you know, go back to that for a second and just tell me what, what did that feel like? Or, or how did you experience that? Did you have control over that response? Response?
- [40:02]
B
No, there was no control. It was completely reflexive and almost like really guarded and defensive. Like, yeah, just because, I don't know, there was so much ownership in that. Like, no, this is who I am. I do everything, I manage everything. I, you know, I've done this for so long, but it was so built in and over time. Slowly, slowly, like today he cleaned a whole house and I've had quite a relaxing day for the majority of the day and so, but it was like bit by bit I had to kind of peel myself away from doing everything and you know, just because of the routine of oh, I do everything and I had to do it all by myself for so long and same growing up I did so much by myself and yeah, it just becomes so ingrained.
- [40:49]
A
Exactly. So everyone listening to what Rachel's saying, this is really, really important to hear how she, how she's speaking about this. And part of why I love these Q&As is because you not only get the questions from, you know, people from around the world who might have very different lives than you, but our human experience is so much more similar than it is different. What I want you to hear and what Rachel is saying is how incredibly human it is to have protective parts. Please go listen to some of our episodes on Parts Work. If you haven't, and if you have, can you hear the parts that we just that I just asked to speak. Rach, could you hear that part? What that part was saying was when I asked you, was it reflexive? That's the reason I'm asking that is because if it is, it means it's a usually a part. It's a protective part that you said feel felt almost defensive like that. And what I heard in the subtext was which is what protective parts do. This is mine, this is my role, this is my job. And can feel threatened when someone else is coming in to take that job. And not only that, but you so beautifully showed us that this was rooted in childhood like most of our protective parts. So everybody listening and watching, I want you to see what it's like to have self like parts in real time. Because you know, if, if you weren't listening with a fine tune nervous system is really how I listen, then you might miss that. That's not actually who Rachel truly is. That's not who any of us are. If you look at nature, right, everything is in reciprocity. Take and give and take and give and take. Everything says, I have to take, I have to give, I have to take, I have to give. The apple tree has to take from the. The rain and from the sun and. And from the soil to produce fruit, which it then gives. And then we take and. And that's how we're supposed to be. That's how we're designed. And which, when we talk about the masculine and feminine, it is about that, that. That reciprocity within ourselves and then with others. So if you look at that, the protector is saying, this is mine. Can you just connect into that part again? And can you just ask that part of you, what is that part afraid might happen? You know, in seven months ago? Maybe it's shifted over time because you need the real lived experience for it to shift. But in that moment, what was that part afraid might happen if she relinquished that control?
- [43:22]
B
Yeah, well, almost that if I don't do everything, I won't be able to do anything. Yeah, I can either do everything and be go, go, go, or I can't do anything.
- [43:35]
A
And what would happen if you did nothing?
- [43:37]
B
Yeah, then I was gonna swear then.
- [43:42]
A
Which you can. It's our podcast. We can do whatever we want.
- [43:45]
B
I was gonna say that it will all turn to shit.
- [43:48]
A
Yeah.
- [43:49]
B
Yeah. I won't have the momentum to do all the things I need to do, like get up, get the packed lunches ready, empty the dishwasher, do the breakfast, you know, get the kids to school, you know, reply and be with everyone in the community and pick the kids up, do tea, take them to their clubs. Like, there's a rhythm and a momentum. And I was worried to, you know, if I release one bit, then I'll lose. Lose some momentum.
- [44:15]
A
That's right. So everybody listening. This is very important, us processing this together right now, because this is what it's like to have protective parts who are very black and white in their thinking. That part is saying it's all or nothing. It's either I do this or I fall into the abyss and I am helpless. So instead of seeing help as supportive, we see help as helplessness. Really want everyone to hear that. Instead of seeing help as supportive, I see help as helplessness. And herein lies why so many of us are hyper leaning towards hyper independence, or what is often referred to as our masculine energy or that protective energy. And what you are so brilliantly and beautifully generously giving us is a depiction of what it is like to have a part who is predominantly focused on being in that self protective energy or that masculine energy. And from that place that part of us isn't doing it because they don't want us to receive or let people close. They have a very important reason. And your part is saying if I stop doing this then I'll be helpless. Nothing will happen. And so, so there's a brilliant reason why all of this transpires. And I can, I want to name too, I had the same part. I, I think I shared this before but at one point I like drove myself to a surgery. Just thought, I don't know what, am I going to ask somebody to do it? Of course not. I, when I, my ex husband, I did everything and that was a role that I was comfortable in. And, and we were moving out of, we moved many times and it was always me doing all the moving. We moved out of a house and I moved a, I'm not kidding, like a maybe an eight or nine foot couch, a sofa, down two flights of stairs by myself.
- [46:11]
B
What?
- [46:12]
A
And I didn't even think in any, you know, mom in the, at the moment, like maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe I should ask him. He's in his office downstairs. I should probably ask him, maybe I should hire a mover. And instead I just did it myself. And the wall kind of suffered and my back suffered as well. But that is being in this, this hyper independent, hyper protector, hyper masculine role. Why was I there? Because I had to be as a child. And so I learned this is how you survive. And it works, it works really, really well. But it also doesn't allow us to experience ease and rest and joy and softness and our play and creativity and intuition and receiving which, which is so vital. So, so I hope I, I, this is a roundabout way. We've actually never answered a question this way with doing a little bit of inquiry and work together. First time in almost a year. I like it though. My hope is in people witnessing that you can see what's actually going on. Why do I struggle with this? And so it's imperative that we show up as our adult selves as the anchor of support to our parts to show that protector. If you slow down and receive. I'm still here. I am the mountain. I am the sequoia tree. I am the ocean. I am the great. I am meaning my adult self. And from this place you don't have to do the protecting because I am, I have all the power within us that we need, which I think of this like a. This is our superpower. I don't need to be in that energy all the time. I can turn it on at any given moment, just like a superhero does. And so that means that I can land into softness because I know that it doesn't mean that that that protective force is going to go away. I can turn it on at any given time.
- [48:05]
B
Yeah. And that's what I've had to lean into. And to be able to rest while he's busy cleaning like that, that feels so nice. And also, as you were talking, I could feel another of the fears at the time was I can't rely upon him in case he goes like everyone else has gone. So I can't give it something up because I might end up having to do it all again. And that would be even harder. So leaning into my adult self has been like, I am always gonna be here for you.
- [48:35]
A
Yes, thank you for explaining that so eloquently, Rachel. Because that's the other. The thing that it is. Our protective parts are saying, I don't want to feel that thing again of giving my all of myself to someone and they leave. It was too painful. And I would rather suffer in terms of doing it all alone and being resentful as a result than ever have to feel that annihilation. I use the word annihilation a lot in describing these core wounds because annihilation to me is much worse than dying. It is the feeling like our soul is being fragmented into thousands of pieces that we can't seem to get back together. It's so overwhelming, there aren't words to describe it. And the only way to overcome that is that we become that perfect protector. Sometimes I call it competent protector most of the time, but never called it perfect protector. But that's what it really is. And I can oscillate between being in my feminine for my younger parts or the that soft energy of being attuned and connected and also ferocious. And when that occurs now, the parts are okay with us taking risk because it's not their heart that's going to be broken, it's ours, our adult selves heart. And if we're doing life right, our adult selves heart should be broken a lot. Like in, in. In our careers, we step towards something new and I'm excited about it. And it might not go well. It's a little bit of a heartbreak, but my adult self can handle that. And the only way to experience full love is to also the other side of that. And only our adult self has the Capacity to do that. The other thing that I just want to name is that when we are able to receive in a relationship, if you're with somebody who is kind, safe, and loving, you are giving them a gift. Like, if anyone listening here, if you've ever done something for someone you love and they receive it, well, it feels so good. Doesn't. Feels really shitty. If you give somebody you love a gift and they say, oh, yeah, you know, you didn't have to do this for me. You shouldn't have done this for me. And you're like, oh, my gosh, I took a lot of time thinking about this for you and doing this for you, and you're pushing it away instead, for someone just to feel it and say, say, wow, you did this for me. Oh, my gosh. And we feel the full emotion of it, and. And we have tears in our eyes or we're filled with love. Oh, my gosh. The other person gets such a gift from it. And what we have to build our toleration for is showing our nervous system that we are worthy of receiving without doing anything. Whoa. This person just loves me and I don't have to do anything back. They just love me because I'm being me. That was, for myself, really novel because I had never experienced that in my life. That's what we were supposed to come into the world and experience, but if we didn't get that, then when someone gives it to us, it's quite overwhelming. And we have to build our capacity to experience what can feel quite alien. At first. You're like, oh, wow, I'm just going to be resting here. I'm like, I'm laying in the sun and he's mopping the floor. Wow. And to overcome the feelings of, like, I have to suffer to deserve that, or I have to be exhausted to deserve that, or I have to do something for him. And the more that we do this, the more we can tolerate healthy love and healthy receiving. So thanks, Rach, for. For all your generosity and sharing and for that question.
- [52:04]
B
Oh, thank you. Yes. Just beautiful to hear how you modeled what it's like to fully receive something and what a gift that is for someone else. I could really feel that. So, yeah, thanks, model. Modeling that so beautifully. And our next question is about the masculine and feminine energy, but how to flow it in business. So this person asks. I feel the pressure to lead from my driver masculine self. I'd like there to be more pleasure, ease, and flow in my business, but the only time I can access that kind of freedom is when I'm on vacation and not working. How can I incorporate this into my work work?
- [52:42]
A
So I really relate to this question very much. For a lot of my life, I didn't understand why the only time I felt like my closest to my full self was when I traveled. It wasn't like a staycation, not in California. I had to go somewhere else. Like get on a plane and go somewhere where the topography, the people, the environment, the culture was really different. And then when I was there, I felt really free. I felt like I was in both my softness and in my protective energy. But both, both energies. And so I felt like all of me. I couldn't understand why I couldn't experience that at home. The reason is because of our threat detector neuroception. That's looking out into the world all every millisecond and internally that's called interoception to see if we're safe or not. And it makes meaning of everything. So if my home, mine is because I work from. Home is a place where you work your nervous system. And the threat detector is going to associate home with a place of working working, not with a place that is filled with relaxation. It will also associate your town or city in the same way. Los Angeles is a place where people fly from around the world to come to and be. And they feel relaxed here. And it's beautiful and there's mountains and there's ocean and there's lots of wonderful things about it. For a long time, for my nervous system it just felt like a gigantic sprawling city of anxiety and work and stress. Even on the weekend, no matter where I went, that's what I felt because there was an over coupling or association with home is work, the city is work. Seven days a week is work. And I was in that chronic masculine or protective energy. Now another thing that I want to name. So that's why when we go on vacation, you go to a new place and neuroception is not. Doesn't have an association to. Like last year I was in a lot of places, so nafta, it was in Africa. And neuroception is like this does not remind me of your home in Los Angeles. It's very different. So I had a different response in Europe and even going into different parts of the US that have a different landscape, my system responded differently. So part of our work is how do we bring that into our everyday life? How do I bring that home so that my backyard or the street that I walk down isn't over Coupled with stress. So one of the ways that we can begin doing this is we have to begin orienting to what is right in front of us. So what I mean by that is, instead of just, like, looking in my backyard while I'm thinking about all of my work, now my yard is consistently, habitually associated with work. So there's this bird in my backyard. And I live in the middle of the city, by the way, so there's lots of sounds. But every morning, I am so excited to open the window and hear this bird talking. I wonder who they're talking to. I don't know. Maybe they're talking to themselves. But they're like, they're a great singer, beautiful voice. And I know it's the same bird because they sing the same way every single day, although I don't actually know. So there might be somebody here who is an expert in birds, and they say all that same species sounds exactly the same. But to me, I'm going to say it's the same bird that's coming to sing. I have a bird bath. So it comes and sits on the bird bath. Anyway, there's a. A time, and I've lived at my home for a long time, and where I wasn't hearing the bird at all, I would open the window, and all I heard was, what's on the schedule today? Oh, you have that meeting? Or are you gonna have time to prep for that call? I heard the sound of my own thinking. I heard the sound of my sympathetic nervous system. But when I. Orienting, by the way everyone is orienting is using all the senses you have access to to actually bring yourself to this moment. Most humans are walking around, and they're not present. Isn't that wild? Like, most of us throughout our day, we're not actually here. We're in the past or future. So orienting brings us into this moment. So what I started to do was really hear the bird sing, and I would take myself out of that future anticipation and out of the past and just listen to the bird. What started to happen is my threat detector started to associate my home with other things than work Work. It's a place where I get to experience. And I say this a lot because it just blows my mind. I get to experience it for free. Like, it's right in front of me. I don't have to pay for it, and it's available for me to hear it. Like, wow, thank you for doing that for free. Smell the flowers in my backyard. I actually do that. I wait for them to bloom. I'm like, oh, that one's going to Blue Blossom tomorrow. Probably can't wait to go. Smell that. And it's free. And the sun on my face is free. And being able to see this green, this beautiful lush green of a leaf on a tree, free. So I start to, started to do those things and it began to shift my orientation to what it was like to be in my home. And then rippling out what is it like to be in this city that already starts to help, started to help me come out of that place of hypermobilization, the protective part, who was really much more in that masculine or protective energy. The other thing that I want to name is that we live in a capitalistic society. And of course I partake in that. I am not saying in any way that that is all bad, but there are things about it that are detrimental to us as a species. And one of them is it's about chronic productivity. More, more, more. We're told more is more and more. Um, because of that, we're told to override our nervous system. If we look at, in, you know, the United States, the Great Depression, the result of that, that of being in real danger and not having resources, was go into your sympathetic system in the factory era of working in extreme hours inside, indoors, in often times very unsafe conditions. So our systems got groomed in many ways to be in this sympathetic, activated response. And so how do you function within that system? You have to resource this masculine doer energy or this protector energy of chronic mobilization. So it's really a, a radical act to say, I'm not going to do that anymore. And if that's all your system knows in terms of how to produce, especially, you know, if you have a, a part that was a, a high achiever part or a doer part, that part says, well, this works. You want me to now stop doing that? Everything's going to fall apart, nothing's going to get done. And so we have to titrate our ability to come into this softening, meaning you have to show your nervous system bit by bit that this is safe. A little bit more, this is safe. A little bit more, this is safe. In order for me to take two days off a week, which is something, by the way, that I were in periods of time where that doesn't happen. So still work on that. But it took me, that wasn't something I just shifted into over the course of a month. I'm not kidding, that took me about a year to shift into because my system had spent a whole lifetime oriented towards you have to produce to be okay. You have to do to be okay. So bit by bit, it started with, okay, I'm going to take the morning off on a Saturday. And it was uncomfortable. But I built my capacity for it more and more. And my system saw nothing bad happen. Not only that, but it saw a lot of good things begin to happen. Meaning I have more energy, I'm more nurtured. Other things I really recommend is being in this softness is I want each person to think about what makes you feel like you're fully, fully alive and fully expressed. That might mean for someone, when I paint, I just feel fully expressed and alive. Or you know, when I cook, I haven't cooked in five years, but when I used to cook, I just, I just felt like me. Those are all attributes of being in our softness or in our feminine. And so we want to see, can we start leaning back into those sorts of things. And the more we incorporate them, the more we bring this version of ourselves, truest version of ourselves to life and we come into homeostasis or balance in, in both parts of self. If you're a leader in the world, it is vital that you have access to your softness or feminine energy. It's how you attune with others. It's how you deeply care about people in your company. It's how you problem solve well, it's how you're connected to intuition. It's how you in many ways mother the company which, which all companies need. So it's a, it's a titrated process.
- [61:16]
B
And what a rich way you just explained that the benefits of actually slowing down and coming more into stillness and in that feminine energy that you're actually enriching your business, you're enriching yourself and then that in turn will flow and enrich everyone you come into contact with and yeah, all the people your business, business serves and yeah. Oh, that just sounds so nurturing and yeah, just really rich. Okay, so our third question is a little bit different. My wife wants me to hold space for her, but it's really hard for me when she gets angry. I just get triggered and I can't stay around for her. I find myself starting to shut down. I want to be able to support her, but I'm not sure how. Thanks for any advice.
- [62:04]
A
So to be in either our softness or our protection, so our feminine or our masculine is how they're often referred to. We have to be anchored in our adult self. So this person's question is really about how do I, how do I activate that protective field or that protective force and that energy in my own body. Now that's like being the sequoia tree or being the mountain. I am the container holder. And in order to do that, I must be able to not be triggered by your experience. That's a really hard, tall order, but that's what's necessary. And so the only way that can happen is if we're anchored in our adult selves. Otherwise, for example, if. If your partner is frustrated or maybe frustrated with you, it might trigger a younger partner. That part that felt like they were unworthy or not good or not enough or maybe they were, you know, frustration or anger was dangerous in their home. So what happens in that moment is that part says, I can't take this on. So we have lots of ways where we deflect it. We get more angry than they are because our system knows if I'm more angry than they are, it'll shut them down because they'll become scared or I just shut down altogether. I get angry back as I named, I run away. And what we really need to work on is can I hold the container for their experience without taking it on? This is the concept of joining rather than merging. So I'm joining with you in your experience. I'm validating it, but I'm not going into it getting washed away in it with you, or I'm not taking it on as my responsibility entirely. And of course, there may be things, if my partner's frustrated or angry with me that I need to look at, but not from a place of shame or that I'm bad. Instead, a self inquiry around what's going on here. For me that I could lovingly look at in. In my work, it is a constant dance between being in both the feminine and the masculine. Masculine. If I was just in my masculine energy when I'm leading a call, let's say, or even doing this podcast, it would feel disconnected, might feel in some ways, it could feel too clinical, too pragmatic to lacking of emotion. And so the job is I hold the container. I know where we're going. I am confident in where we are going. I know how to. To shepherd or guide someone. So I'm leading because being in our. In our protective energy is being in that leading energy, so being really confident in that and yet bringing the softness in. So if I am leading in that moment, my job is to create a space where that person can let go. And the more that we tend to our parts, the more that we're able to do that And I just want to name this. You know, self help and spirituality has kind of hijacked these terms. Feminine, masculine. And we just think like, all right, so people who identify as men are supposed to be in their masculine, and people who identify as female are supposed to be in their feminine. We're all supposed to have both of those attributes and to be able to access both of them. So if my partner is feeling tenderly, my job is to hold the container for him to have that experience. That's my job. And if I am needing that, it's his job. And then at the same time, that in terms in how we create polarity or these opposite forces that come together and are. Create attraction, is that one person is taking on more the overall role of being in that soft energy and. And feminine energy, and the other person is taking on the role of being in that protective field or that more masculine energy. And when that occurs, we create balance in the relationship. But we must be both accessing both of those things in order to be healthy ourselves and also be healthy in our lives. And again, it begins with, can I protect my younger parts that way? And then we reflexively protect others that way. Way.
- [66:28]
B
And I love how you talk about the flow and the dance of being able to access both the feminine and masculine energies and. And knowing when and what is needed and holding the container for that. And, yeah, coming into relationship with others with that. Yeah. Thank you so much, Sarah.
- [66:45]
A
Yeah, thank you so much for being here with us today, Rach. The last thing I just want to share with everybody is it will take tolerating the discomfort to come into either one of those experiences that are hard for you to tolerate the discomfort of it. And we have to be very, very brave because as you said with your partner cleaning the home, your home, it's not about him vacuuming. It's about if I actually let go, what if I feel annihilation again because then you leave? Or what if I'm totally helpless in the world? And the more that we can show our system this is actually safe, the more we get the thing we always deserve and always desired. So thanks for being here with us, Rachel. See you on the next episode. Enjoying this episode and want to go even deeper into somatic healing. You can join my email community for weekly teachings tools and live events. Click the show Notes to join.