You Make Sense: Family Systems and the Roles We Play – Episode Summary

Release Date: November 26, 2024
Host: Sarah Baldwin, SEP

Introduction

In the episode titled "Family Systems and the Roles We Play," Sarah Baldwin delves deep into the intricate dynamics of family systems and the enduring roles individuals adopt within their relationships. Drawing upon the latest neuroscience and trauma research, Baldwin offers insightful perspectives on how these roles are formed, their impact on adult relationships, and the transformative journey of healing and rewriting personal scripts.

Understanding Family Systems as a Theatrical Play

Sarah Baldwin begins by likening the family of origin to a theatrical play, where each member is assigned a specific role that they must perform. These roles are often subconsciously imposed during childhood and become the foundation for how individuals relate to others in adulthood.

“Imagine that your family of origin is a theatrical play. … Every family member is an actor in the play, and the play is already written.” (00:05)

Common Roles in Family Systems

Baldwin identifies several prevalent roles that children often adopt within their family plays:

• Golden Child: Often projected with parents' unmet aspirations, becoming the embodiment of what parents desired but did not achieve.

  “You become the golden child. Others of us become the caretaker.” (11:30)

• Caretaker: Taking on the responsibilities and needs of others, often neglecting one's own.

• Emotional Partner: Serving as the confidant or emotional support for a parent, especially in dysfunctional family setups.

• Scapegoat: Bearing the brunt of family frustrations, feeling perpetually at fault or unwanted.

• Perfectionist: Striving for flawlessness to earn parental approval and love.

• Class Clown: Using humor to maintain attention and balance within family dynamics.

Baldwin shares her personal experience, highlighting multiple roles she embodied:

“I had the role of being… the perfectionist. I was the one that had no needs, so I took care of everyone else.” (19:45)

The Impact of Childhood Roles on Adult Relationships

These early-assigned roles significantly influence how individuals form and maintain relationships in adulthood. Baldwin explains that adults often unconsciously seek to replicate their childhood family plays in their romantic partnerships and friendships, maintaining familiar but often dysfunctional dynamics.

“If you play your role, the play works. It might not be a functional, healthy play, but it's a functional play.” (08:20)

This replication occurs because the nervous system seeks familiarity, reinforcing the belief that these familiar patterns are the norms for love and connection.

The Healing Journey: Rewriting the Script

Baldwin emphasizes that healing involves regulating the nervous system to create an internal sense of safety, allowing individuals to shed these outdated roles and embrace their authentic selves. This process enables the rewriting of personal scripts to foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

“Healing is the experience of gaining control in our lives in a profound way and supporting us to really be the driver of our life.” (05:50)

As individuals heal, they begin to recognize and relinquish roles that no longer serve them. This transition often leads to challenges in existing relationships, as partners and friends may resist the change, fearing the unknown or the effort required to adopt new roles.

“Negotiation, that bumpiness, does not mean the relationship is going to end. It’s incredibly common as we are upgrading the family system.” (25:30)

Navigating Challenges in Relationships During Healing

When one person begins to change their roles through healing, it necessitates that others in their life also adapt. This can create friction as the dynamics shift towards more genuine and reciprocal interactions. Baldwin reassures listeners that resistance from others is a normal part of the process and does not signify personal failure.

“Even the most loving partners are often very scared of this process because it means we’re heading off into the unknown.” (23:15)

Ultimately, these challenges lead to either the transformation of existing relationships into healthier forms or the amicable end of relationships that no longer align with the individual's authentic self.

Q&A Highlights

In the latter part of the episode, Baldwin addresses listener Rachel's questions, providing practical advice on navigating the complexities of family roles and personal healing.

1. Getting Comfortable Receiving When You're a Giver

Rachel asks how to become comfortable with receiving when one's default is to give. Baldwin responds by acknowledging the fears tied to changing these roles and emphasizes the importance of disconfirming old beliefs through new experiences.

“There are going to be some fear, tentativeness, activation around the process of removing that role from our experience.” (28:15)

She suggests practical steps such as allowing oneself to receive support from friends, animals, or even small gestures from strangers, thereby reinforcing the belief that receiving is safe and rewarding.

2. Navigating Overwhelming Emotions from a Childhood that Denied Feelings

Rachel's second question pertains to managing intense emotions rooted in a family environment that suppressed emotional expression. Baldwin explains the physiological basis of emotional suppression and offers strategies to gently reintroduce and process these emotions.

“Healing is not all hard. Healing’s also filled with joy and excitement.” (44:03)

She recommends methods like journaling, listening to emotionally resonant music, and gradual exposure to suppressed feelings to build tolerance and acceptance.

3. Forgiving Those Who Have Hurt You

The final question revolves around determining the genuineness of apologies from past acquaintances and the process of forgiveness. Baldwin distinguishes between superficial forgiveness and genuine emotional release, stressing the necessity of processing emotions authentically before achieving true forgiveness.

“You cannot forgive unless you have the appropriate response to what occurred.” (54:39)

She advises listening to one's autonomic responses and ensuring that forgiveness is grounded in genuine emotional healing rather than forced reconciliation.

Conclusion

Sarah Baldwin wraps up the episode by reinforcing the empowering nature of healing work. By understanding and transforming the roles ingrained in family systems, individuals can create more authentic and fulfilling relationships, ultimately crafting the life they desire.

“We get to write the script. We get to create the life we desire and the relationships that we desire.” (59:42)

Notable Quotes

• “Healing is the experience of gaining control in our lives in a profound way and supporting us to really be the driver of our life.” (05:50)
• “If you play your role, the play works. It might not be a functional, healthy play, but it's a functional play.” (08:20)
• “Extremely functional or non-functional plays always function because everyone is playing a role that fits the script.” (Not directly quoted, inferred)

Final Thoughts

This episode of "You Make Sense" serves as a comprehensive guide for anyone seeking to understand the deep-seated roles shaped by their family systems and how these roles influence their adult lives. Through Baldwin's expert insights and relatable analogies, listeners are equipped with the knowledge and tools necessary to embark on a transformative healing journey, ultimately empowering them to redefine their relationships and personal narratives.