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You Make Sense
Reclaiming Your Sexuality: A Conversation About Pleasure, Intimacy, and Safety
00:51:02
Sexuality is a completely normal and inherent part of the human experience. However, many of us have learned to disconnect from our bodies, hide from our sexuality, or become oversexualized as a result of trauma or societal messaging. If you’ve struggled to feel fully alive in your sexuality, this episode will give you a tangible, step-by-step guide to help you come back into this embodied experience. You’ll learn two predominant reasons why we struggle with sexual intimacy, how culture and conditioning affect how we show up with others, and how childhood trauma impacts our adult romantic partnerships. Join Sarah for a conversation on pleasure, connection, and safety, and how qualities like embodiment, presence, and openness play a vital role in our sexuality, both with ourselves and with another person.
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Hi, I'm Sarah and welcome to youo Makesense. I'm a somatic experiencing practitioner, an expert on trauma resolution, attachment parts work, and nervous system regulation. This podcast is a manual to understanding your human experience so that you can navigate the world with freedom, ease, empowerment, and create the life that you desire. Remember, you make sense all parts always. So in this episode, we're going to talk about how we can begin embodying healthy sexuality in our lives. Of course, we're going to talk about why we might struggle with this and then what we want to do to create these shifts and changes that we're desiring. The first thing that I want to name is that human beings are inherently sexual beings. This is a normal part of being who we are. And, and I invite you to even notice as I'm using the word sexual beings and you look at the title of this episode. What does that evoke inside of you? And for so many of us, these words, this theme, this topic is one that is really char. It's. For many of us, it's something that we avoid altogether. We feel an uncomfortability around for others of us, we feel shame or even a lot of fear and terror around this. So we're going to talk about why all of those things are occurring and how we can begin changing that. I do want to name that sexuality has truly little to do with the act of sex itself. It's about what that experience brings to life for us. And some of the qualities of sexuality is about embodiment and presence. So embodiment and presence to myself, to the sensations in my body, to the feelings that are arising, to the parts of myself that I might push away or avoid or even afraid of. It's being fully anchored and present in this moment. It requires being open, exposed, available, seen first again with ourselves and then with another person. One of the reasons that a lot of us struggle in our sexuality is because we might be very focused on experiencing that with another, but we haven't even explored it yet with ourselves. So we cannot be fully embodied in this energetic experience and energetic exchange if we haven't had these, this exploration with self. And that has very little to do with the act of self. Pleasure, of course that can be a part of it, but. But it's really about self discovery and self acceptance and the presence of being with what is actually here. So a few other things that it, that it's really about as well is intimacy, vulnerability and exposure. And so if those things weren't historically safe for us, then we might Find that we struggle in our sexual experience and in our sexual dynamics and sexual life as a whole. So two of the predominant reasons why so many of us struggle to have the type of sexual aliveness in our lives that we want are one, because of trauma, which might be the more obvious reason which we're going to talk about in a moment. And the second is because of conditioning in culture. So the messaging that we have received over and over again about what it means to be a sexual being and, and what it means to show up in for ourself and in our sexual dynamics. Another thing that I want to name is that if we grew up family systems where things like intimacy, exposure and vulnerability were not present, just those emotional components of relationship which are so important to be able to embody, if we didn't get that emotional intimacy, then we're going to really struggle with emotional intimacy in our sexual world. So I just want you to see here because so much of having sexual aliveness has. Has very little to do with the act of pleasure and orgasm and, and two bodies coming together and much more to do with the things that I just named. If you didn't get them in your childhood experience, then that can cause us to not have the full aliveness in our sexual life that we really want. So the first thing that I want to talk about is how culture and conditioning affects how we show up for ourselves in our sexual life. So children are sexual beings. Isn't it funny that our cult tends to want to. To make children something different than what we are? And very early on in. In a child's life, they are exploring their body, right? They explore their elbow and their knees and they explore their tummies and they explore their sexual organs. To a baby and to a young child, none of those are bad. They only become bad when we are told there's something to be ashamed of. Or when they are told that the pleas pleasure of sucking your thumb is okay, the pleasure of. To your reproductive organs is not okay. And, or you know, rubbing up against something that's not okay. Because even well meaning loving parents, because of their own conditioning, when their child is in this really pure, beautiful exploration and they're just noticing, you know, it's very benign to them that if the messaging they get is don't do that, why are you doing that? Stop doing that. Then immediately what they internalize is, whoa, this must be bad. I wonder why I even have this part of my body if it's so bad. Maybe I wish I didn't have this part of My body or I certainly should pretend it's not there. So I'm going to disconnect from it altogether because what I'm being told by the people that love me is that this makes me bad or this isn't okay, I hope, and you can hear in what I'm saying how pure and innocent this is. There's nothing different from that or, or rubbing my own skin on my arm. Cuz that feels really soothing to me. And of course what the job of a parent is, is to teach a child boundaries. Like that's not something that we do at the supermarket and that's certainly not something that we do at school. If that's something that you want to do, we do that in our bedroom. Your bedroom. You don't do that in the living room when the kids are over at the party. And so kids starts to learn, oh, okay, there's boundaries. Just like there's boundaries where I'm, you know, not going to push the dog over because that's not something we do. It hurts the do dog. And I'm not going to walk across the street without holding her hand because I won't be in safety. And so it's again the job of a parent to not shame a child for being who they are. And also it's the job of a parent is to help them set boundaries and to know what's okay and not okay and also to know how to, to protect themselves. And that part is really important too because a lot of children didn't get that and oftentimes because parents feel uncomfortable with talking about sexuality. You can think about in school how little is this talked about so infrequently are we getting messages or understanding ourselves and how our bodies work? And not only that, it's, it's rarely talked about for children when something is not okay, how do I know if it's not okay? And that. And we'll get into trauma in a moment. When a kid is not getting that understanding, then when they experience sexual abuse, it's very overwhelming and confusing. I don't know what's happening. So again, we live in a culture that, that is shaming of sexuality. We pretend that we are not sexual beings until you get to a certain age and then you're allowed to be one. So again, really confusing messaging out there. And then I will say when we become and you know, go through puberty and we come into maybe, let's say our teenage years, it's very common that folks who identify as female are told it's really Important that you're not too sexual in order for you to be desirable. You, we don't want you to be too embodied. It's much better if you're more submissive and you aren't really allowing your sexuality to blossom and come to life. You shouldn't have too many partners that makes you undesirable. You shouldn't be fully expressed. You shouldn't share as much of what it is that you desire or want. And if you do all of these things, then you are, are someone that people will desire more. Right. There's that messaging. And then for folks who identify as male, the messaging is the opposite. So if you haven't had enough sexual experience, then there's something wrong with you and you aren't desirable. And if you are too soft and connected and if you are, you know, like what a beautiful experience would be is you might have a moment with a partner and feel so connected that there's emotion or tears that are coming to your eyes. Definitely don't do that's going to make you an unattractive partner. So we have have folks who identify as male having to disconnect from their truth. And in both experiences we are given these identities that are not actually us. We are not fully embodied. And then we are showing up to our sexual relationships both with self and with others from a really disembodied way. Remember, none of us go through life unscathed by trauma. It's something that we all experience to some degree. And if that trauma doesn't get resolved, we learn to leave bodies. Why? Because our bodies are the place where the trauma occurred and also is experienced and lives. So the residue of trauma might be I feel hopeless all the time, or I feel inadequate, I feel shame, I feel anxiety, I feel panic. So I don't wanna have to be with that all the time. So what we learn to do is become again disembodied. I disconnect from sensations, I disconnect from my natural rhythms. I disconnect from desire, from impulse. I don't know how to listen to myself and I don't know how to be present as whole. It's also very common that we become overly focused on the other, on an other person as a way to survive. And so those things that I just named are imperative in order for us to have a really fulfilling and healthy and nourishing sexual relationship, both again with ourselves and with another person. When we have those things, it actually deepens the bond and connective tissue of the relationship. And without them, it's A Essentially it's two bodies connecting in a disembodied way and can leave us feeling unfulfilled, unseen, unknown, disconnected with and not really reaping the beautiful benefits of what can happen when we have real sexual aliveness together. So now that we've talked about how culture conditioning and also our childhood experiences affect our sexual relationships with self and other, I want to talk about how sexual trauma affects how we show up in our sexual dynamics in our adult life. So if you experience childhood sexual trauma, what occurs is the natural unfolding like a beautiful flower of our sexuality, which is supposed to happen in a titrated way. That means slowly, over time, it gets opened up without, of course, without our permission. And the result of that is it leaves this beautiful child feeling really out of control in this energetic experience of their sexuality. It can often lead to kids repeating or acting out in terms of what was done to them. That furthers a deeper trauma. So, you know, a little kid whom is experiencing sexual abuse, let's say a seven year old, they may start to do some of those things with their, their siblings or their friends. And what happens to that child is they don't understand why they're doing that. They will feel totally out of control and will be deeply traumatized secondarily by that experience. And more often than not, when we as a child, when they experience sexual abuse, it becomes internalized. Instead of seeing it as that person is bad. What is being done to me is bad, it's internalized. I am bad, I am icky, I am disgusting, and so on and so forth. And secondarily instead of saying, wow, that person is really bad that they did that to me. And then I am doing this acting out, I am a victim in that acting out. The child sees it as they are bad. I am so, so terrible. And you know, all of the things that go along with that. Instead of seeing themselves as what they are, which is pure, perfect and a victim, what also happens is we get this over coupling or over association to pleasure and terror. Why is my body responding this way? This is the worst thing I've ever experienced. And it creates so much confusion inside of that child. By the way, this also happens when we experience sexually sexual abuse at any juncture in our life. And then we can tend to feel like our body is our enemy. Why did my body respond this way when this was the worst thing that has ever happened to me? And we see it as our enemy. And the result of that is we become quite disembodied or we punish our body for what we feel like it did to us. So the result of this is our brilliant, beautiful nervous system says I never ever, ever, ever want you to experience that again. So it will help us to disconnect from our bodies. So we dissociate, leave our bodies all together. And then it says, well, because of this, I think sexuality is bad as a whole. So we will literally disconnect specifically to our reproductive organs. So I actually don't even have much sensation there. I, I don't, I, I almost feel like I don't have a body as a whole. So our nervous system will also over couple things. So that means over associate. So instead of this, this horrible thing, this traumatic experience being bad, now all sexuality is bad. Not only that, but if it's childhood sexual trauma, all adults are bad. Adults are dangerous. So I grew up and I think adults are dangerous. If I was sexually abused by a man, all men are dangerous. If I was sexually abused by a woman, all women are dangerous. If it was by somebody I knew, people who are close to me are dangerous. So don't be in a relationship with somebody because they're going to hurt you or harm you in a, in a particular way. And so our system has again, as I named it, over couples. So a couple of the responses that we can then have is we can shut down our sexuality altogether. So I'm totally disconnected from it. Another thing that can happen is we become hypersexual. And what our system is trying to do here is it says if I can just be in control this time, maybe I can make what happened different. So I want to name that cuz it can be really confusing for people. Why do I go to one extreme or the other? I also want to name that if someone experienced any sexual abuse by someone whom is close to them. So whether it's in your family or someone that was close to you or in a romantic relationship in your adult life, your nervous system oftentimes will feel much more comfortable experiencing sexual connection or intimacy with a stranger or someone you know don't know that well than someone that's close to you. So you might date someone for five months and everything feels okay. But the closer you get, the more you bond, then you shut down your sexuality or your nervous system does. And by the way, that doesn't just have to be as a result of sexual abuse. If I had experiences as I named before, where in my family of origin, intimacy was not something that we did, we didn't fully, you know, talk about what we are Experiencing deep inside of ourselves, we didn't feel fully seen and known that I'm going to feel much more comfortable with casual dating or casual sexual interactions than having a sexual interaction with someone I love and who is close with me because they see more of me. They already see more of me. So then I'm going to engage in this experience where I'm exposing even more. And that can feel really overwhelming. You Make Sense is something that I have been saying for a very long time. It began by saying it to myself as I was venturing on my own healing journey. It became so clear to me how I wasn't broken and things weren't confusing. They and I made so much sense. And then I found myself saying it to my individual clients when I had an individual practice. And then it moved beyond that that into creating programs and offerings for other people around the world so they could experience that too. One of those programs is called you'd make Sense. And inside of that program, I take over a decade of clinical training and therapeutic expertise and I bring it all together in one place. More often than not, on our healing journeys, we have to go to so many different providers to get different interventions or modalities. Things like, like parts work or ifs, somatic experiencing and that kind of embodied work, boundary work, attachment and relational work. That's what I had to do on my journey. And it's an exhausting process to have to find so many different practitioners to go to. Umake sense came into existence because what I realized was how much each of these modalities need each other like a web, in order for us to experience holistic healing. So all of them are brought together inside of this program so that you don't have to go to multiple clinicians or practitioners. You can get it all here in one place. The program also brings you through a roadmap that is necessary for holistic change and healing. It's not public knowledge that there's actually an order to the healing process. And when we follow that order, things happen in a really expedited way. This program is only online offered twice a year, so I invite you to get on the wait list for it. We've linked that in the show notes. And when you join the waitlist, you get limited time access to reduced pricing. Check out the show notes to join. So now I want to get into what healthy sexuality actually requires of us. One of those things is deep vulnerability. And when I say everything I'm about to say, it all begins first with our relationship to ourselves. It's not actually possible to have a healthy, fully alive sexual life with another person if it's not first rooted internally with us. So exploring deep vulnerability, knowing the different facets and parts of myself, when I know them within myself, and I'm able to expose those parts of myself that have been walled off, now I can lean into exposing that to somebody else. That kind of vulnerability, it requires surrender. Now, surrender is not possible if you don't feel safe. So we first have to build this internal safety of parenting our parts and surrendering to ourselves. Then we can surrender to life, to the universe, and then surrendering to another person. Usually the hardest thing to surrender to is into another person. Why? Because trauma is relational. And so regardless of it being sexual trauma or not, we've all been hurt by humans. And so it takes deep intention, internal safety in order to say, and now I will surrender to you. It also takes intimacy. So seeing into myself and seeing into another and the communication that is beyond words. When I am touching another person's soul, I have to touch my own before I can touch theirs. And this is why, you know, really healthy, beautiful sexuality and having a beautiful sex life with a partner is a wildly spiritual experience. When I say spiritual, what I mean is you are touching the depths of another human being in their fullness, and you are letting another human being touch you in your fullness. So I know that might sound strange to think of this as a spiritual act, but what is spirituality? It's being connected to the divine, to God, to love, to all things. And when we are able to be fully seen and fully known and fully held in this way, that's what we're actually doing. And I really want to name that because because of trauma and because of culture, we have been made to feel like this isn't a pure, beautiful, innocent thing. We're made to feel like it's bad or dark or ugly. And a radical act of healing sexual trauma, a radical act of healing our humanity, is to take back what's actually true. And that is the truth of it all. Another thing that it requires is our ability to express and experience pleasure. Pleasure is something that a lot of us struggle with. Whether you've experienced trauma and we have, pleasure is over coupled with terror. So that's what happens when you experience sexual trauma. That was certainly the case for me, that over coupling dynamic. But for many of us, pleasure wasn't something that was celebrated as. As children and in our homes, what was celebrated was suffering as a way to then achieve. If you look at our culture, that's what it is, right? Study really, really hard. Suffer, suffer, suffer. And then you can achieve something. If you look at baby. Have you ever seen a baby eat a food they've never tried before? It's really fun. You could probably look up videos of. Of kids doing this. Like a kid trying a. A sweet potato for the first time. And you see them put it in their mouth. Everything is from a place of pleasure. They are so embodied that they are. They're exquisitely in every sensation that's present.
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Whoa.
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I'm putting this on my tongue. And it's sort of mushy, but it's kind of not mushy. Wow. It's orange. That's crazy. Look at this color. Oh, it has this smell to it. Wow. This flavor is something I've never had before. And you watch their face and it's like the most vibrant, incredible thing to experience the full aliveness of our sexuality in a way that is deeply. A deeply healing practice, a deeply embodied practice and a deeply spiritual practice. We have to be experiencing it from that place that it's not a. A chore because sometimes it can feel like that. That it is not a. A taking care of our partner because it can feel like that, but instead an act of beautiful exploration and of presence and there is no difference. I'm going to keep reiterating this for anybody who's experienced trauma in this area or have been shamed out of your sexuality. I know this might sound weird, but there's no difference from that. You know, trying a food for the first time and saying like, oh, my gosh, I've never had a tough cheesecake that tasted like this. If you like cheesecake, this is so incredible. No one would think that that was dirty, bad, or disgusting, right? And it's the same exact thing to experience pleasure and aliveness in a sexual manner. And it's. It's our birthright to reclaim that. So we have to build our capacity for experiencing pleasure in our bodies. We also have to build our capacity for presence, and that requires regulation of our nervous system. So being here in this moment and coming back into our bodies is. So we also have to look at the roles that we've played in our lives. And if we've played the caretaker role and we had to take care of others, then that's how we're going to show up in a sexual dynamic too, or oftentimes will be where I have an over focus on the other and making sure that they are happy and okay. And I'm not focused on my own experience. And so in this dance it is, which is really a nonverbal dance that we're having, we are present to this moment. I am allowing sensations to arise. And I also have the ability to, in that deep listening, follow the impulse of the moment. That's really important. Every animal in the wild is always following the impulse of the moment. A child that hasn't experienced trauma is following the impulse of the moment. And so that means for us, it's really learning to listen. And not only learning to listen. That means I have to build the capacity to use my voice to say, I don't like that. I really like that. And I want to stop this. All of those things we have to build our capacity for and show our nervous system that this is safe to experience. And another thing that we really have to work on is parenting our parts so that we can connect to our internal value and our internal protection of self. If we didn't get those things. And it's very common that we're going to orient our worth or value around our sexuality. Meaning if I do this thing I don't really want to do, I'm not ready to do it. I like you. Maybe you're dating someone and you really like them. You're not really ready to have sex or engage sexually yet, but you feel like if you don't, they're going to leave. And so now I have stripped the, the real beautiful essence of what a sexual experience is. And I have overridden my nervous system and now I've made sexual experiences unsafe. And it might, you might tell yourself it's not a big deal. I mean, I kind of want to do it. I maybe in a few, a month or two, I'd want to do it. So what's the difference? I'll just do it now. But there's an overriding there. And instead of it being a container of the highest level of safety, it's now a container of non listening and non connectivity. So it's very, very important that we are coming into that listening and that we have this internal value that I know my pace is right, I know my truth is right. And I also know because I have a deep love for self now, that I deserve somebody who honors whatever that is very, very important. So now I want to talk about how we can begin transforming how we show up for ourselves in our sexual life and of course, in our relationship or relationships too. I just want to name, as you're listening to this episode, if you're finding that it's activating for you or feels kind of overwhelming or triggering. It's clues that the younger parts are saying, oh yeah, it does remind me of that thing in my life. And so what I really invite in is a pausing and tending to that part. I also have lots of episodes on parts work, if that's unfamiliar to you, that I really invite you listening into, but just orienting to the present moment, doing some things to regulate your nervous system and bring you back into presence. Really important. And that leads me into what we want to do to begin transforming this part of our lives. First thing that's really important to know, less is always more. Less is more. If you want to go faster, we have to go slower. And the primary, most important thing here is we have to, number one, bring regulation to our nervous system which supports us to come into our bodies. I know that might seem strange, right? We're talking about sexuality. What does our nervous system have to do with it has everything to do with it. So we really want to work on that. Can I regulate? Can I regulate? Next parts work very, very important. We have to begin becoming the primary parent and protector of these younger vulnerable parts who were shamed out of their sexuality at the very least and experienced trauma around their sexuality at the most. So the more that we can tend to these parts parts, the safer we they feel with us. And it's also important that we show these parts. It is not as it is not them that is going to be engaging in these adult experiences, it is us that's going to be engaging in that and teasing that apart through parts work is really, really important. The next thing that we want to do after we've comforted those parts and protected them is we have to show them that our adult experience of our sexuality is very different than the challenging things they experienced. The first thing that I like to begin with is pleasure or sexuality with self. So what I would really invite in in your experience is how can I make pleasure safe with myself and build my capacity for it can literally be things like I'm going to get a massage, I'm going to take a bath, I'm going to wear clothes on my body that make me feel really good. I'm going to eat something that's really desirable. So you get the idea. Can I build my capacity for taking in pleasure and that pleasure is not bad. And also I don't have to work for it. Really important. The next thing we want to do is honor our body's yeses and no's. So the more that we are embodied, I Can really listen to do I want to hug this person right now or not? Do I want to connect with someone or not? Do I want to connect with myself in this moment via pleasure, even via sexual pleasure with myself or not? So really beginning to honor our yes and our nos. The next is we need to begin being intimate and vulnerable with ourselves. That goes back to parts work. I have to expose myself to the parts of me who are afraid to be seen. Can I see them fully and can I love them wholly for who they are? The more we do this, the safer they will feel to be seen by another. So that work with self is really important because in order to be in our healthy sexuality, it begins with us. It's. It's in so many ways. We think everything is about things outside of us, but it's all about what's happening internally. So from this place then what we want to do is begin titrating intimacy with others and vulnerability and pleasure. So let's talk about pleasure for a minute. How do we titrate pleasure with another person? That might begin with I'm going to hold hands with them. We're not going to have the TV on. We're not going to be talking and we're just going to. To hold hands for five minutes. When I've worked with couples who've been together a long time, it's very common that one person's like, we're going to do this. I've been holding your hand for 20 years. But maybe not in a way that you're really intimate and present too. So that can be an exercise. Can I hug body to body. So making your belly soft, touching all the way down to your diaphragm or near your lower belly. Reproductive organs all the way up to the top of your neck. And can we hold each other and just breathe, Just do that for a couple minutes. We are sinking our energies via our breath. We're sinking our nervous systems and we're letting each other surrender into the other again. We're doing this in a titrated way. That experience of pleasure also brings in this experience of vulnerability and intimacy. So can I lean into that? A higher level of that would be making eye contact with. Without talking. Can we put place our hands on each other's heart and just look at each other. And when I say just look at each other, that's not just looking. That is deep level of intimacy. And there might be moments where you have to look away. Cause it feels like too much and then come back. We're building our Capacity here. The next thing is, it's really important, is that we have agency so that we can start and stop pleasure. So whether that is in a sexual experience, that our intention of going into it is that we're going to explore this one thing, but we're not going to, you know, have, have, have intercourse or we're going to start and stop having intercourse. Especially if you've experienced sexual trauma, it is vital that we can come into agency. I can start and I can stop and nothing bad happens. I am in control. If you find that you dissociate around pleasure or sexuality, it's really important that when we notice the dissociation happening, we stop. And as the person's partner, it's very important that we create a safe container for making that not only okay, but celebrating it. The more this happens, the more healing and safety is experienced inside of the container. In the experience, for many of us, people struggle to communicate what they like and what they don't like, like, and to communicate it all around their sexuality. So I really invite in either before or after sharing what the experience was like for you. And if it's after. And again, this might be really uncomfortable at first, but after, can I just share something that I really enjoyed and maybe something that I realized, oh, I think I want to do that less, or that didn't fully work for me. And I really loved this. And here's what I loved about this. And it could be something as simple as when you look me in the eyes and you were smiling at me, I felt really safe. I felt really seen. I actually noticed that I was much more in my body and was enjoying my own experience of pleasure more when you were gazing at me kind, lovingly. So can I open up and share? Really important. The other thing is, can I be present to my own breath in the sense of sensations in my body? Can we both equally do that and follow the impulse of what wants to arise? So instead of making this a disembodied experience that's robotic, can I be really present to the natural unfolding within me and then turn towards the natural unfolding in my partner? And in. When we're doing this, we are speaking a very deep, nonverbal language to each other, and that creates high levels of intimacy. The last thing that I just want to name is that we want to take this and everything that I've just shared takes us out of being a performative act, but we really want to. To begin ridding ourselves of that experience, of it being performative for many People, it's very common and also not talked about a lot. People that will fake an orgasm, why are they doing that? Because they're in a caretaker role so. Or predominantly because they're in a caretaker role. So I need to make sure that you're happy and if you feel good about you, then I'll be okay. But that's a denial of self. So can I start building my capacity to actually be present with myself around? What's actually true in the goal, by the way, is that we are have such good protection of self that we have done enough of the parts work that we are only engaging this way with people who are very safe. So the result of that is that they're going to be welcoming of our truth. They want us to be authentically who we are in that moment and not be performative. And when this occurs, we can show up as authentically us. When all of these things happen, we are deeply connected to ourselves, which means we can be deeply connected to another person. And it can be this beautiful fertile ground for deep connectivity and intimacy and vulnerability and exposure and. And aliveness. And can be such a wonderful way to. To build our attachment and love and joy. And play, by the way. Lastly, play that sexuality is not something that has to be so serious too can be sometimes filled with lots of play. Um, or for some of us, maybe all the time we want it to be really playful. But showing up as you are and allowing another to do the same in a safe container where we can be all of ourselves, not only healing heals the past, but allows for so much health in our relationships. Enjoying what you've heard so far and want to go deeper into somatic healing. I have a free workbook called how to gain control over how you feel. And it will help you to get in the driver's seat of your experience and step towards your desires with more ease. Check the show notes below for a link to download. So let's get to the Q and A portion of this episode.
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Hi Sarah. Okay, so my question is how to fully explore yourself in moments of intimacy. Because I don't know why, but whenever I'm around boys, I just get really uptight and stiff. And it's really hard for me to let go of that somehow, especially in moments of intimacy. And when it comes to sex, I don't know what it is, but I don't always feel comfortable. I had one boyfriend, we dated for four years, and even during that relationship, I definitely was comfortable with him. But there was always shame, internal shame or judgment of, like, being weird or not being, like, hot enough. I guess. Yeah. So I guess I was just wondering how to let go of that stiffness and to fully explore your sexuality and intimacy. Thank you so much.
- [36:27]
A
So there's many things I want to address in this question. The first is this person said, just feeling like I'm not hot enough and then feeling a lot of shame. To me, this really shows. And again, I don't know this person's history, but it shows the conditioning that so many of us have been fed, that experiencing sexuality means we have to be a caricature of what it means to be a sexual being. The truth of the matter is that there is no prescribed version of what is sexy or hot or attractive. What makes someone someone we are drawn to is that they're being innately and fully themselves again. If we look at everything in nature as a teacher, it is becoming what it already is. It is being in its own beingness. And so what we really want to build our capacity for is, how can I feel full aliveness in my own body? Really great way to do this is starting a movement, embodiment practice. If you live in a city, there are great things like five rhythms or things called, like dance church. Essentially, this is a place to come and move our bodies in a way that our body desires to be moved. Instead of dance or movement being performative, it is entirely to nurture ourselves. If you ever watch someone do that where there's no performative nature at all, they're very attractive. And I mean, what I mean by attractive is I want to be around them. I just. I want to look at them. Uh, they are shining really brightly. And there is no way to do that correctly or well or sexy. It is simply being ourselves. So going to a class like that, or you can start one at home. Can I put music on and let my body dance me and let my body also experience sensuality through movement? And can I allow for the. The impulse to arrive that supports me to be really in this yummy place of pleasure and joy with myself, with my own body. That helps us to build our capacity then to do it with another person. So I really invite that in. And remember this, it is contagious when you're around someone who is fully embodied. We just want to be around them. And that's true for us too. The second thing that's really important is I want you to work with the parts of you that tense up around men. And you said boys. So I'd also want to explore why we're using that term. Not that you shouldn't use that term, but I'm always listening to hear if there's a part talking. And there may be because you sound like a grown woman. I don't know your age. But when we're using that, like we're referring to women as girls or men as boys, in terms of a relational way, it may mean that there's a younger part of us showing up speaking. So I want you to get curious around that. Who is this part? Who is this part that tenses around men? What is it that they're afraid of? And what I'd like you to do in order to really get a sense of who that part is, you have to anchor in who adult you is. So what does it feel like to be adult me in my body? Present here. Good, capable, able. And then I want you to check in with that part that shows up in tenses. Who are they? When is the first time I remember doing that, and ask that part, what are they afraid of? We have to build a relationship with that part and then protect them. The reason you're tensing is because that part feels scared or they feel like they're in danger and they don't have you yet to protect them or show them that your present life, your partner, your ex boyfriend, your, you know, male friends or people that you're dating, they don't know that they're actually different from the past and safe. So we have to come to the aid of our parts, protect them, get to know them, listen to them, provide them the safety that they needed, and then show them how my life now in a relational container is so different than the past. All of this work will support you to show up as your authentic self in relationship. And we do it slowly. Less is more, as I said during the episode. So let's get to the second question.
- [40:36]
B
Hey, Sarah. I feel really at a loss because I think for the first time in my life, after surviving a lot of abuse and neglect, like in childhood and in my adult relationships, I'm in a relationship that's really safe and that I really enjoy being in. And it feels like being intimate has never been so hard because I'm not, like, operating from the protective, fawning parts that I usually do. And my partner holds really great space for me. Like, when I get triggered while we have sex, it feels like, yeah, I could really cry because I just feel so at a loss. I know it's like the past is, you know, coming up in these moments. But I would really love Your perspective. Thank you.
- [41:22]
A
I'm so glad you're here. And I first just want to name what a big deal it is that you have done enough work in your journey, journey that you've been able to call in and receive someone who is safe. That is a testament to the journey and the road that you've walked. Nobody can walk that for us. And what that tells me is you have done enough internal work that you've become a home base for your parts. You have shown them what it is like to be loved, to be cared for, to be safe with you. And as a result of that, your baseline for love changed. And then the result of that is you were able to receive a partner and not push them away. A partner who is safe and who is loving and who is adoring. It's. It's beautiful work. I did a Instagram live with a friend and colleague of mine. Her name is Nisha Moodley. And we called it how to Survive Being Loved. We were in Zion together in a retreat, and we were talking about our own relationships of coming into safe, healthy love. And we were joking, but not joking of like, you really, you have to learn how to survive, be loved. Because if it's not something my system historically knew, then I have to build my capacity for the good. And that is what you're experiencing right now. And so I don't want you to think that this is hopeless or impossible. You are right on track. This is what transpires as we call in something good. And we have to show, not tell our system that it's actually safe to receive it. Now, some of the things that you have to show your system that it's safe to receive receive are being fully seen. It's the thing we want the most. And then yet when someone sees us, it's so overwhelming. Certainly was for me. So can I receive that experience of being seen? Can I receive the experience of being known, of being held, to really let someone hold me, and of being loved and being safe? So what I invite you to do with your partner is some of the exercises that I named here. I want you to start titrating them. Um, I'm so glad that you're able to stop when you feel engulfed or overwhelmed. And a few. I just want to go through a couple of the things I want you to work on. One is I really want you to sit with a titrated amount of pleasure with them, which again, could be them rubbing your back or hugging or kissing, and then it ends there nothing beyond that. Can I Show my system that pleasure that is that I'm not fawning around, I am actually being me is safe. And it's important when we do these exercises that they're separate from actually having sex. So our system can see that this doesn't lead somewhere bad. What by the way, our system thinks is bad or the part thinks is bad. And instead it can be just an experience of connectivity and safety and boundary and container. So try that out. Can I do an exercise like that? Can I do the hugging that I talked about? The hand holding, the eye gazing or engaging in some flavoring of having sexual intimacy with each other and then we stop it and then maybe we hug or we do something entirely different. So it's very important that we can support your parts to be more deeply held in a place where they are safe. Other things that I invite in is can we experience other forms of intimacy together, Something as simple as letter writing. One of the ways that, that, that for myself, that was really supportive for me to lean into full vulnerability is through writing. It has always been that for me. And so in my partnership, it was a way to communicate the depths of what I was, was feeling that felt safe. And then we would write poetry and letters back to each, forth to each other as a way to come into like the highest level of vulnerability. And the goal is that the more that we do that, then we can have that same kind of verbal and physical vulnerability. So seeing if you can titrate that experience. The other thing is I really want you to connect to who is that part that is getting triggered, because that part has overcome, coupled your sexuality and maybe even being with a partner is dangerous. And what can happen is those younger parts can feel like it's them that we're asking to engage in this very adult relationship. And so it's, it's important that we tease that apart and show that part. Actually, this isn't for kids, this is for adults. And I will never, ever, ever ask you to partake in something that's inappropriate like that, that ever, ever again. My job is to protect you. So doing that relational work with your parts is very important. The more that you titrate this, the more your system is going to uncouple, decouple that over coupling of sexuality or being seen being a source of danger. And then lastly, something that we need to work on is building our capacity to be with healthy aggression or the appropriate response to what happens. We have episodes on that, so I do invite you to check them out. The more that you can Embody that you become the competent protector to these parts and they will feel safe with you. Wherever you are in the world, whatever dynamic you are in, they will feel safe. So I congratulate you on where you are in your journey and, and, and please know this can transform too. So let's get to the last question that we have today.
- [46:43]
D
Hi Sarah. My question around sexuality has, has to do with displaying oneself as sometimes like overly sexual or using sexuality in order to like gain love. Because I noticed that I often struggle with seeing my sexuality as something sacred and actually really being discerning with what people get access to, sort of like, like this inner beauty and inner power. It feels like I often need to just give it all away in order to gain love. And I definitely just wanted to ask to have some input on that perspective. Thank you so much.
- [47:30]
A
So this is an indicator that likely you have a part and I would say high likelihood it might be a teenage part or somewhere around that age who learned along the way that the way that they receive love is by being over sexualized or giving of themself in that way. And remember it's a protective part. And remember the protective part's job is to ensure our survival and ensure we get some kind of connection in love and adoration. And that's the priority over all else, including self abandonment. So it's also an indicator likely that this part didn't get the protection that they needed. And we were supposed to have caregivers who were soft and gentle, of course, but also ensured that nothing bad happened to us and they taught us how to protect ourselves. If we didn't have that, then it's very common that we have these parts that show up who don't know how to do that yet. So our job is to do parts, work with them. I want you to really feel into first, what is it like to be an adult? You anchored present here, good regulated, sense that part in your body and then I want you to sense into what this, this protective part feels like. Notice how they feel wildly different from adult you. Your job is to know who they are, how old are they, what were they experiencing, differentiate from them. So watch the episodes on parts. And it sounds like you've done some of our programs too, which I'm so glad to hear and become that protector. It's like thinking about if we had a teenager who didn't know how to defend themselves, protect themselves, and were at the mercy and whim of people who weren't really didn't honor them, didn't cherish them as their parent. You would see them as this beautiful jewel and you would say, no, they have to earn that. They don't just get that from you and they only get that from you if you actually want to be giving that to them. And that protective quality would show up. So we need to do that for them. The more that we do that, what occurs is as we're out in the world and we're in interactions with people that we're attracted to, it's no longer that teenage part being exposed and then game being confused, doing things they don't really want to do. Why did I show up in this way? And it won't happen and they won't actually draw in those dynamics because you have the energy. It's almost like a force field, an energy of my adult self. For example, imagine if a mother, protective mother, went out into the world. I don't know, she went to like, like out dancing with her 17 year old daughter. If the mother is there, there's a lot, lot less likelihood of anybody being appropriate with this inappropriate with a 17 year old or coming over to her and you know, her fawning and her having to do things she doesn't really want to do. Why? Because we have the protective mother and we need to become that protective energy within ourselves. And when that happens, that part stops fawning and we can actually show up how adult us wants to be relationally. So thank you everybody for joining us for this episode. We want to be kind and tender and gentle with ourselves. We also want to be ferociously protective of the parts of us that never were protected. Embodying yourself is your birthright and that includes your healthy sexuality. And it is a primary part of having our full human experience. Enjoying this episode and want to go even deeper into somatic healing. You can join my email community for weekly teachings, tools and live events. Click the Show Notes to join.