Podcast Summary: You Make Sense
Episode: Understanding Your Relationships: The Connection Between Attachment Theory & Polyvagal Theory
Release Date: October 29, 2024
Host: Sarah Baldwin

I. Introduction

In this enlightening episode of You Make Sense, Sarah Baldwin delves deep into the intricate relationship between Attachment Theory and Polyvagal Theory. As a seasoned somatic experiencing practitioner, Sarah elucidates how our autonomic nervous system fundamentally shapes our attachment styles, influencing how we relate to others throughout our lives.

II. Connection Between Polyvagal Theory and Attachment Theory

Sarah passionately argues that attachment is inherently somatic, rooted in the functioning of our autonomic nervous system. She emphasizes that understanding attachment purely through a cognitive lens overlooks the profound influence of our body's subcortical processes.

“Your autonomic nervous system is subcortical. It lives in your body.” (00:30)

III. The Role of the Autonomic Nervous System in Attachment

Sarah explains that the autonomic nervous system acts as the "vehicle" for attachment, controlling behaviors, thoughts, sensations, and perceptions. This system dictates how we connect or disconnect with others, often bypassing our conscious, cortical thinking.

“You can't learn your way into a secure attachment.” (02:15)

When we become dysregulated, particularly during relational conflicts, our prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thought) shuts down, allowing the nervous system to take over and perpetuate old, maladaptive behaviors.

IV. Early Childhood Experiences as Blueprint for Attachment

The foundation of our attachment styles is laid in early childhood. Since infants lack the capacity for self-regulation, they rely entirely on caregivers for co-regulation. The quality and consistency of this early regulation profoundly influence our ability to form secure attachments later in life.

Sarah highlights that even 30% of consistent caregiver attunement can foster a secure attachment, yet many go on to develop what she prefers to term "adaptive attachment styles" rather than "insecure attachment styles" to avoid negative connotations.

“If they're not safe, you're not safe.” (05:45)

V. Overview of Attachment Styles

Sarah meticulously breaks down the four primary attachment styles, linking each to specific states of the autonomic nervous system and childhood experiences.

A. Anxious Attachment

• Origin: Inconsistent caregiver availability—sometimes attuned, sometimes not.

• Nervous System: Dominated by the sympathetic nervous system (mobilization).

• Behavior in Relationships: High anxiety, fear of abandonment, excessive need for closeness.

  “When you're in a relational dynamic, your nervous system activates a young part of you, re-experiencing past traumas.” (12:50)

B. Avoidant Attachment

• Origin: Caregiver unavailability or emotional neglect.

• Nervous System: Utilizes the dorsal vagal complex (shutdown).

• Behavior in Relationships: Emotional distancing, self-reliance, difficulty with intimacy.

  “Someone who's avoidant cares so deeply; they just don't know how to connect.” (25:30)

C. Disorganized Attachment

• Origin: Caregivers are both sources of safety and danger—often unpredictable or abusive.

• Nervous System: Engages both sympathetic and dorsal states, leading to freeze responses.

• Behavior in Relationships: Oscillation between seeking closeness and pushing it away, internal conflict.

  “It can feel like we're different people—one moment in love, the next in turmoil.” (35:15)

D. Secure Attachment

• Origin: Consistent caregiver attunement about 30% of the time, fostering self-regulation and co-regulation.

• Nervous System: Balanced, allowing for healthy connection and independence.

• Behavior in Relationships: Comfort with intimacy, effective communication during conflicts, resilience in relationship dynamics.

  “Earned secure attachment is something to be incredibly proud of.” (56:00)

VI. Healing Attachment Patterns

Sarah outlines a comprehensive approach to transforming maladaptive attachment styles into a secure attachment through:

A. Regulation of the Nervous System

Understanding and controlling the autonomic nervous system is paramount. This involves somatic practices that help individuals become the "driver" of their nervous system rather than being ruled by it.

B. Somatic Parts Work

Engaging with and reparenting the younger parts of oneself that are triggered in adult relationships. This process involves acknowledging and addressing the unmet needs from childhood.

“When you're in a relationship, those young parts are triggered, reliving past experiences within the relational container.” (50:00)

C. Earned Secure Attachment

Creating an internal secure attachment through intentional healing practices. This involves:

• Regulating the nervous system.
• Addressing specific attachment style needs (e.g., self-regulation for anxious attachment, co-regulation for avoidant attachment).
• Reparenting young parts to instill safety, connection, and belonging.

“We are creating an internal secure attachment that we never got.” (54:20)

VII. Q&A Highlights

A. Differentiating Flight and Shutdown Responses in Attachment Styles

Rachel inquires about distinguishing the flight response in anxious attachment from the shutdown response in avoidant attachment.

Sarah clarifies that:

• Flight Response (Sympathetic Nervous System): Characteristic of disorganized attachment, involves panic and attempts to escape threats.
• Shutdown Response (Dorsal Vagal Complex): Indicative of avoidant attachment, involves emotional distancing and withdrawal.

“If you notice that you want to get away in the relationship, but you shut down, that's a sign of avoidant attachment.” (38:57)

B. Somatic Practices and Attachment Patterns

A listener asks how somatic practices aid in addressing attachment styles. Sarah emphasizes that:

• Attachment patterns are adaptive responses, not disorders.
• Somatic work is essential because attachment is stored somatically.
• Embodied practices can help rewire the nervous system to support secure attachments.

“You have to embody your way into a secure attachment.” (45:01)

C. Impact of Narcissistic Parents/Siblings

A listener seeks insight into growing up with narcissistic family members. Sarah shares her personal experience, highlighting that:

• Survival strategies included centering the narcissistic parent, suppressing personal needs, and internalizing emotions.
• Healing involves recognizing these patterns and redefining personal boundaries and connection strategies.

“The result of being in an environment with a narcissistic parent is that you must center that parent to survive.” (56:11)

VIII. Conclusion

Sarah Baldwin wraps up by reiterating the profound interconnectedness of Polyvagal Theory and Attachment Theory in understanding and healing relational dynamics. She encourages listeners to engage in somatic practices and parts work to foster secure attachments and live empowered, connected lives.

“When you're in a relationship, that is the grounds for so much healing to occur.” (63:12)

For those seeking deeper engagement, Sarah mentions available programs and resources designed to assist individuals in their healing journeys, emphasizing that it's never too late to cultivate secure, fulfilling relationships.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• “Your autonomic nervous system is subcortical. It lives in your body.” (00:30)
• “You can't learn your way into a secure attachment.” (02:15)
• “If they're not safe, you're not safe.” (05:45)
• “When you're in a relational dynamic, your nervous system activates a young part of you, re-experiencing past traumas.” (12:50)
• “Someone who's avoidant cares so deeply; they just don't know how to connect.” (25:30)
• “It can feel like we're different people—one moment in love, the next in turmoil.” (35:15)
• “Earned secure attachment is something to be incredibly proud of.” (56:00)
• “When you're in a relationship, that is the grounds for so much healing to occur.” (63:12)

This episode offers a comprehensive exploration of how our nervous system shapes our relational patterns, providing actionable insights for those seeking to understand and transform their attachment styles. Whether you're struggling with anxious, avoidant, disorganized, or aiming for a secure attachment, Sarah Baldwin's expertise offers a pathway to deeper healing and more meaningful connections.