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You Make Sense
When We Feel Like We're Going Backward in Our Healing
00:51:55
This episode dives into the ups and downs of healing and why it can sometimes feel like you’re moving backward instead of forward. Sarah breaks down how coming back into our bodies is a marker of progress — but that it can also feel overwhelming at first. Experiencing grief, anger, or other deep emotions can all be signs of the work you’ve done. With real-life examples and simple, science-backed advice, Sarah shares how to move beyond just “knowing” about your patterns and into healing in a way that actually creates change. You’ll learn how to regulate your nervous system, work with your younger parts, and create space for more connection and joy.
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- [00:00]
Sarah
Hi, I'm Sarah, and welcome to youo Makesense. I'm a somatic experiencing practitioner, an expert on trauma resolution, attachment parts work, and nervous system regulation. This podcast is a manual to understanding your human experience so that you can navigate the world with freedom, ease, empowerment, and create the life that you desire. Remember, you make sense all parts always. So in this episode, we're going to talk about how often going forward in our healing can actually feel like we're going backward, very confusing, and can make us a lot of the time feel very discouraged and hopeless. And so I want to make sense of that for you and show you how what is actually happening is you are making incredible movement, and more often than not, it doesn't always feel that way. So the first thing that I just want to name is, as we begin embarking on our healing journey, we might feel, you know, excited about it. I'm really looking forward to change happening in my life and become voracious readers, you know, in taking all kinds of information and absorbing all kinds of books and listening to podcasts like this and really beginning to gain a cognitive understanding of what's occurring inside of our own bodies, what's occurring in our lives, really making sense of things for us. And what happens is oftentimes that can feel really startling and really overwhelming because for most people, we are going through our lives kind of like we're sleepwalking. And the reason being is because nobody teaches us how to navigate this human experience. I named that in the first episode. I think I talked about that, and certainly in the little intro that I give, that we learn so many things in our lives, but nobody teaches us how to navigate the human experience. And so because of that, we are certainly not in charge of our nervous system. Most of us don't even know it exists, and certainly we don't know how to gain control of it. So the result of that is our nervous system takes over on cruise control. Because remember, your nervous system shapes your entire experience. The sensations you have, the thoughts you have, the feelings you have, have, perception of self, others in the world around you, and also your behaviors. So everything you're doing or not doing is a result of what's going on in your nervous system. And that's why so many of us aren't really in the driver's seat of our lives. And that's what I mean by sleepwalking. So first we information gather, usually on our healing journey, and we're understanding our patterns and our attachment patterns and how we're showing up in our lives. And, oh, my God, I didn't realize this part was protecting me in this way. And no wonder why I'm doing this thing over and over again, because this is what I had to do in my childhood to be safe. And no wonder I'm stuck. All of that. So I say this a lot, but the more we know isn't always the more we know. There's a moment where we have, you know, what Oprah calls aha moments. We have these aha moments, like, ah, that makes so much sense. But those aha moments don't actually create the changes that we are desiring in our lives. They're the retention of more information, which is, again, a very important part of the process, but not the whole thing. So what can really occur for a lot of us is we're doing a lot of talk therapy. We're reading all the things, we're gathering information, we're having all these aha moments. We have full understanding now about why we're doing what we're doing or why we're not doing what we're not doing. And the issue is nothing's changing. And that's what I mean by the more you know isn't always the more you know it actually can, at some point, start to feel exhausting, debilitating, or even hopeless. And what it can actually do is then exacerbate the dysregulation we feel. So now I feel more anxious about this thing because I now have understanding about what the thing is. So let's say, you know, I am fully understanding my anxious attachment now, and I know the origins of it. It's because my caretakers weren't consistently available for me. So when my partner is disconnected or not there, I go into this very anxious place. I have all this understanding and I disregard my own needs. I just need to get them back in a connection with me. But when I get into the dynamic again, it just happens all over again. Meaning I just re experience it. And in many ways it can exacerbate the experience of it. And then oftentimes we beat ourselves up and say, oh, my gosh, I'm doing the thing again. I already know the thing that I do, and I keep doing the thing, and I can't stop doing the thing. And that's because we're in this information absorbing part of the healing process. And we haven't come into the embodied process of healing. So I just wanna normalize that for you. Like when forward can feel like backwards on the healing journey, this is going forward because you've gained a lot of understanding, but it doesn't always feel that way. And. And I used to say this a lot. Like, wow, I didn't really mean this, but sometimes I would say it when I was at this stage, maybe life was better when I didn't know any of this, when I just thought that the reason that I was feeling out of it was because I ate too much peanut butter last night. And maybe that's why I'm feeling in a weird, like, fog. Like, that's actually what I used to think. The truth was I was dissociated. So when you learn about it and realize, oh, it's not that I ate too much peanut butter, maybe I shouldn't ate all that peanut butter, but it's because my nervous system doesn't think I'm safe. So much so that it's putting me into a dissociative state where I'm not in my body. That's, like, a bigger thing to hold, right? Like, there's a lot more heaviness to that than just thinking it's because I ate this food, it's because I ate gluten last night. That's a part of the process that happens. And I just want to normalize that for us. It makes so much sense when we get there. The other thing I just want to also say is we can get stuck there for a very long time, you know, and it's not, I don't think, the fault of our own. Our world still does not fully understand what is necessary for holistic healing. It boggles my mind that there's so much research out there now. There's so much data and evidence of what is actually needed. And yet that's not something that's public knowledge. Nor do most, even clinicians or therapists know the full breadth of what's necessary. And so what occurs for us is we get really stuck in this one portion of the healing process, which is the cognitive work and understanding or psychodynamic work that will not give you the holistic healing you need. Why? Because your nervous system, which, again, is responsible for your whole experience, it's also responsible for the reactions to stored trauma, meaning keeping you protected and dysregulated lives in your body, and so you cannot. The language of your body. Haven't talked about this in a few episodes, but the language of your body is somatics. Your autonomic nervous system is subcortical. So below, the cortical thinking brain lives in your body, where reason, rationalization, understanding don't reach which is why, if you've ever tried to tell yourself, just calm down, you might have noticed it doesn't work, or I should be grateful for my life, or whatever else you've been trying to talk yourself into, it doesn't work because you're speaking a verbal language to a system that literally can't hear you. So after we gain all of this understanding, it is important that we now get into our bodies. And this is where somatic healing starts. And it is absolutely imperative. You can take program. You can. I have programs that will support you through this. And it begins with the foundation is regulating your nervous system. So that's really, really necessary. Now, the next place that a lot of us can feel like we've gone backwards in our healing is when we come into our bodies for the first time. Now, most of us, most people walking around the world are disembodied, meaning they are not actually present to what's occurring below their brain, below the cortical, thinking brain. And there's a variety of reasons why this happens. Number one, I really think that culturally we live in a time where we are being disconnected further and further from ourselves and from the earth. There's so many benefits to technology, and it can also really disconnect us. And so not only disconnect us from other people, but from ourselves and from. From nature. And we really need these things in order for us to. To not only be regulated in our nervous systems, but really have health in our bodies and health and. And happiness in our lives. So that's one of the reasons we become disembodied. And when I say disembodied again, that means you're not connected to what's occurring in your embodied experience. So an example of this is I asked somebody, what do you feel? And they say, I don't know. And I say, well, do you really not know? And they say, yeah, I actually don't know what I feel. I don't know. Maybe I feel happy. And I ask them, so now we've located happiness. So then I say, okay, you're happy. Tell me what tells you that in your body, what informs you that you're happy? And most people will have no idea because they aren't connected to the sensations and the affect that are occurring in their body. Now, I named one reason why that occurs. Second reason is because of trauma. Trauma occurs in our bodies. It becomes stuck and stored and locked in time in our bodies. Trauma, again, is the overwhelm of energy as a result of an event. And if we don't have safety in a mutually empathic witness after the event, it gets stored. And so what occurs is our nervous system essentially thinks that thing is either still happening or could happen again at any given moment. And so because of that, it simply doesn't think we're safe. So if our nervous system doesn't think we're safe, it brings us into dysregulation. And this is why so many of us are experiencing chronic dysregulation in our lives, meaning chronic anxiety, chronic worry, chronic sleeplessness, chronic apathy or hopelessness or depression or feeling stuck in our lives. All that is a clue is that there is some unresolved trauma living in our bodies. And our system is trying to protect us from something it doesn't yet know is over. So what we do to avoid having to perpetually be with what's going on in our bodies is we learn to leave our bodies. And there's so many ways that we can do that, being in our thoughts. So if you are constantly experiencing racing thoughts, that is a way to leave your body. Some of us dissociate. So I feel numb or disconnected when something occurs. I literally don't have any affect, meaning a friend doesn't want to be friends anymore, and I actually don't feel much about it. Or someone leaves and I feel kind of shut down or I can't even really feel, you know, love for somebody else. All of that is me being disconnected from my. My feelings, which is a form of. Of being dissociated. So other ways that we leave our body working all the time, distracting ourselves, all ways to not have to be with what is overwhelming for us. Now, as we come into our healing and we begin to regulate our nervous systems, which is the foundation of it. All we are essentially doing is we are inviting ourselves to come back into our bodies. Now, the thing about that is a part of us is going to say, I don't actually want to be here. Because remember, your body is a place where all of that stuff is stored and waiting to be resolved. This is why I say a lot that the only way out is through. Meaning the way out into the freedom that we desire is going back towards the things that we avoided in the first place. Which is why this is Work isn't for the faint of heart. I call it the hero's journey for a reason. And when we actually go towards that thing, we go through it and we are set free. But it means coming back into our bodies where a lot of that old energy and that old activation and Those old experiences are still living. And so we can go from. And this was me. I was so disconnected from my feelings. I remember at one point saying to someone, actually my aunt, she had a lot of anxiety at the time. And she was talking about it. And I said, I don't even know what anxiety is. That's because I was really disembodied. I was in what's called my dorsal vagal complex. I didn't feel that. I also didn't really feel anything. When I would tell people about my history, you know, they'd ask about it. I didn't feel much at all. I felt kind of numb. And when I started to do the work of coming back into my body, all of the sudden what began to occur is that meant I was going to come back into my feelings and come back into the sensations that had been there for a while. And now I did feel things like anxiety and panic. Panic and even terror. This is all, by the way, also a part. Just to understand a polyvagal theory of coming up your nervous system. I call it the autonomic highway. My friend and mentor, Deb Dana, calls it autonomic ladder. But I call it a highway because I think of it like a road. So if you're shut down, you're in something called your dorsal vagal complex. That's our state of shutdown. The reason you go there is because the overwhelm you were experiencing. Was too much for your system at a particular time. So think of it like it covers that up. So part of healing is coming out of that state of shutdown and into something called your sympathetic nervous system. That's the state of mobilization. So it's like you're thawing. And now I'm dealing with what is underneath that ice that froze over, so I didn't have to feel it. So then we're dealing with everything that was underneath that ice of dorsal. Because now that's thawed. And I am able to actually address that sympathetic activation that's been there for usually a very long time. So for me, that went from, you know, I didn't really feel much at all. I felt kind of fine, but I was pretty disconnected. And, you know, didn't. I didn't really have the things I wanted in my life. I didn't have the relationships I want. I was struggling. I had a lot of depression, but I didn't have a lot of activation. And then the more that I created safety and regulated my nervous system, all of the sudden that went away. And now I was feeling Anxiety and panic and terror and sadness and lots of overwhelm in my system. And I thought that was backwards because on the surface it can look like it. All of a sudden it felt like my world was turned upside down and everything felt kind of overwhelming and everything felt like. And that is not backward, that is forwards. And it's something that I don't think is understood enough. And I think oftentimes it can prevent people from continuing on in the process because it is overwhelming. I will be very honest with you about this process. It's not easy, which is why I think a lot of people don't do this work because it takes a lot of courage. And I also just want to name, please don't turn the episode off and think, holy hell, I don't want to do this healing work. Along the way we also have these beautiful moments of ease and peace and greater expansion that happens. So it's not always being in these challenging experiences. This is just. These are just some of the things that transpire or occur that are so important to notate so that you don't feel like you're doing something wrong. Because a lot of times it can feel like that. So another component of this that I want to name is something called energy wells. This is something that Peter Levine talks about, somatic experiencing. That's one of the, one of the trainings that I'm trained in. It's a. It's a somatic trauma modality that's really, really excellent. I think I'm partial, but I think it probably is maybe the most effective one of all of them. There are a few others. Sensory motor therapy is one of them anyway. So this idea of energy wells, before we begin our healing or even when we start, think of it like you have a thimble size container and this little thimble is the amount of energy or activation that you have the capacity to hold in your nervous system. Meaning it might be quite small. For me, it was literally the size of a thimble. Like I mentioned, I literally had no connection to my affect. So I couldn't connect to what I was actually the sensations in my body or what I felt at all. So I had really little capacity. And the reason being is because I had a lot of trauma. So my system learned to pull, put all of that stuff away in boxes inside of me, like hide them away with lots of duct tape because it would have overwhelmed me. And that's really adaptive. Now the more that you regulate your nervous system, what we're doing is we're Building our capacity to hold more activation. Why do you want to hold activation? You're probably thinking, like, oh, my God, who'd want to do that? Why? What's the purpose of holding activation? It's not just to hold onto it. It's to take that activation or that energy, that old energy from traumas long ago, and to help it to dischar our bodies. Meaning we can actually get rid of ancient energy that are living in your cells and your fibers and tissues and get it to leave our body forever so that you're actually free of the past. When that occurs, what happens is it no longer is your perpetual present. So just to practically, you know, like before I go more deeply into energy walls, what does this look like? Well, it looks like when you do this work of discharging the energy, going from feeling shame all the time to I don't feel shame anymore, feeling anxious all the time, to, yeah, I have anxiety sometimes, but the majority of that has really resolved or not being able to connect with people to creating thriving community. All of this is what happens when we actually discharge this energy, which is why we want to go into our bodies and to get into these deeper energy wells. Now, you build your capacity in your nervous system, right through regulators. The more that you regulate your nervous system, the more you're safely inside of it, you have the capacity to hold more. So that little thimble for me turned into a soup bowl, and that means my capacity, and now I can hold more activation. So what did that look like? It looked like me all of a sudden having anxiety that I never had before. I don't even know what this anxiety is about. Well, it was always inside of me. It was waiting for me to have the ability to address it. It. And then what happens is you discharge that, do the work around discharging that. Then we go to what'll happen is now it's a salad bowl. Then you get the idea. After that, it becomes eventually a swimming pool. And if you're like, oh, my God, a swimming pool of activation. Yeah, it's a lot. And what I will say is, you only get there when you're ready. That's the beautiful thing about how our bodies and psyche work. It works. It won't open things up until you're ready to hold them. Well, the other thing I want to name is you're not going to continue to have big energy wells. Big energy wells. Big energy wells. We get to a place where we address perhaps the biggest one for us. I remember when I was in my swimming pool Version, I had done so much work, and what I noticed is at that point I was experiencing some dissociation that was met with panic. And I was like, what's going on? I feel almost debilitated, like it's so much. And when I was working with my own practitioners and clinicians in somatic work, I remember them saying, it's happening because you're ready. And they were right. And this was the last remnants of things that needed to be resolved for me. And when that was able to process through, I was really able to experience even greater freedom and surrender and aliveness. And that's what this leads to. Every single time we address a different energy, well, we build our capacity not just to hold all of this energy us out, but also to hold aliveness in our bodies so that you can feel the depths of love in this beautiful way, so that you can feel connectivity to all things. You can look at the stars and have tears rolling down your eyes, feeling the wonderment and awe of it all. Because all of that happens in your body, because now you are safe to be in your body. So if we want to have an expanded, beautiful life, if we want to be set free, if we want to feel like our true selves and really step into the life that we're desiring, the only way out is through. So this is an expected part of the process that is most certainly not backwards. The other thing that I want to name is as we're healing and we build our capacity to be in our adult selves, so be our capable, able adult self or be connected to your wise self, what happens is our parts start to speak up. So these younger parts of us that have still been rolling around and stuck in those childhood experiences that they don't know are over yet, they start to come alive. They've been dormant for a lot of us, and they start to say, hey, I need your help. And all of a sudden I remember something from the past, or all of a sudden this. This loss that I had as a child is just like really coming up for me and overtaking me. And I'm feeling it again. Those are all indicators that younger parts are saying, hey, I need your help. And when we're able to actually turn towards them and address what's occurring for them, they are able to actually get unstuck from the past and integrate into us. The result of that is those things are actually in the past. Now. I'm no longer affected by them like I was. But this movement that I'm talking about is to be Expected something that I just want to say a caveat to that is I don't want you to think that you should go into any therapeutic container and you go into it and you have a session and you leave feeling worse every time, time that shouldn't be happening. That is, if that's happening to you and the person helping you is like, great job, really good work. You felt such big things and you left feeling, like, panicked or like you couldn't drive, or you felt disos, felt dissociated. That means that they're actually overwhelming your nervous system in every session. And we don't want to do that. I'm not saying that some sessions won't be challenging, of course, but it should be challenging to a. To a place of me stilling, still feeling like I can navigate it. I haven't lost control. And so that's the importance of working with someone who's actually skilled in this work, an expert in this work, working with someone who understands somatics and trauma is imperative. And when I say trauma, this is not just for people who have had traumatic experience like me, like more intense trauma. We have all had trauma, which means no one's nervous system is perfectly shaped and regulated. So we all need this support. And when we do this, it really, really sets us free. I said at one point in my journey, and I. And by the way, I'm an expert in this. I've been doing this for a long time. I've been doing it personally for 15 years. And wait, hold on, let me think. Yeah, maybe 14 years or 15, 16 years, something like that. Long time. And I've been doing it professionally for a decade. And I. Even knowing all of this when I was in a really big energy. Well, I remember saying, I said this to friends. I said this to the people that were helping me, the somatic people I work with. I said, I feel like I'm in an avalanche and I'm digging, but I don't know if I'm digging in the right direction. I don't know which way is up. And it can really feel like that when we're in the middle of it. And what I want to tell you is that you're not alone in that. That. That isn't backwards. And if you just keep digging a little more, you just keep regulating a little more, you just keep building capacity a little more, keep comforting your parts a little more, you will get to a place where that little digging shovel that you have, you reach out and you touch light. And all of a sudden, light Starts to come in again and it floods the tunnel and you can breathe fully and you make it out and in. That becomes such a beautiful expansion. And I talk about healing. It really is this expand and contract experience. It's really the process to expect. Sometimes I think people expect. It's like climbing a mountain. And you're constantly just feeling like you're going up, up, up, up, up. You are always moving forward, but it doesn't look like that. It looks like a zigzag. Like, it looks like I'm going forward and then it looks like I squiggle backwards. You're not actually squiggling backwards. You're in a contraction. So when I think about capacity building in our nervous system, I do this visual a lot when I'm working with people or groups where I think of when we're dysregulated. It's like your nervous system is standing in front of you. So imagine my hands blocking me. And when you expand into a moment of building capacity in your nervous system, so you did something to regulate, to feel more safe, to be more in your body, you discharge some of that old energy. It's like there's an opening between my hands. They open up and that opening is an expansion. And in that it allows me to be more present, which means things can come towards me and go. And I can am free to go towards things, things. And then after an expansion, there's always a contraction. Why? Because your nervous system is saying, I don't know if that's safe. So this is why, if you go for a run and that's a moment of expansion that's regulating for you, or a walk, you feel a little bit better and take a deeper breath and you're like, oh, okay, I can see things Clearly. And then 20 minutes later, you have one of those racing thoughts that tells you it's not going to work out. That's the contraction. And we can get really, you know, down on ourselves and think, I must be doing it wrong. No, you're doing it exactly right. Just your nervous system saying, I'm not sure it's safe to be that regulated. So it contracts and then we do another expansion. So I do something else to regulate my nervous system to feel more present here. And good. I expand longer this time. Why? Because every single moment, every moment of expansion gets stored in your database of past information. So we all have this inside of our brains. It's. It's stored with all the good things, bad things, and traumatizing things you've ever had. Experienced in your life. Now what we can do is we can change what's in that database. And what we want to start doing is collecting safe experiences of regulation for us, meaning when our nervous system got to see us, being present, hearing good was okay. So every time you regulate your nervous system, like, you do some breath work, you do cold exposure, you do some tapping or swaying or humming or singing or walking or whatever it is that makes you feel more present here and good, Every moment gets stored in the database, and your system gets to see, oh, maybe we are safe. And so the process of regulating our nervous systems is collecting those bits of information to show our nervous system, hey, you are actually safe. And again, hey, you are actually safe. So we have an expansion. We contract. But guess what happens? The contractions become smaller because I have all of those disconfirming experiences where my system is starting to see that I'm safe. Then the expansions become bigger again, and then the contractions smaller. Bigger expansions, smaller contractions. So we go from being regulated for two minutes, the next time is three, all the way up until, you know what? I was regulated most of today, Meaning I felt good for most of today. And then the next day, I felt dysregulated, but then I felt regulated again for long periods of time. That's the process and what can be expected. And the more we build our capacity, what we're doing is we are literally, like, excavating this home, this body that you live in. We are excavating it. We are getting rid of all of those painful things in the past. And the result of getting rid of those is it actually makes way or makes room for us to experience all of the good things in life that we're desiring, which happen in our bodies, like connectivity and love and joy and wonder and play and stillness and silliness and rest. All of those things can happen when we actually do this work and make space for them. And it also is what allows us to get unstuck in our lives so to be able to step towards the things that we're wanting and navigate life's stressful answers. So the more robust your nervous system is, that means that when challenging things happen, they don't overwhelm you. You're able to navigate them with greater ease. So no longer does it feel like everything is life or death. It's really something that I'm able to be in. I'm able to feel it. I'm able to navigate it without getting overwhelmed. So, my friend, the only way out is through and every step that you take, forward is forward. It just might not feel good yet. But I promise you, if you consistently do this, what's going to happen is there will be these openings. It's like you're tunneling through a tunnel. You're digging, digging, digging. And then you get open to this underground cave that's beautiful and big and feels so relieving to arrive there. That's what happens through our healing journey. And then we go into another digging cave and then we dig, dig, dig and we get into this even bigger opening and that's the process for every single one of it. So wherever are on that journey, please know it makes sense. You aren't going backwards. And we want to celebrate how far we we've come. Something that I always invite people I do work with to do is create an evidence journal. And I do this for myself. Cuz it's so easy to forget where we've come from because we are with ourselves every day and we are often oriented, oriented towards what's not working. So if you can say to yourself, well, what was it like for me last year, navigating my relationships or, or intimacy or whatever, you know, in your life, how is it different today than it was then? Or stepping into your purpose and can I see my progress? Because the more you can actually see what's true, the faster you go and we all get there one step at a time. And my goal is with this podcast that, you know, it's like we're walking each other home, that that's really what we're looking for in this life, that we don't have to go it alone. And the healing journey is hard enough. My hope is that with this episode, but certainly with this podcast that it shows you you aren't alone. And I have spent many, many years walking this path. And it's really such an honor to be able to say, hey, let me show you the way. So I hope in some respect that this did that for you and, and I'm. And I hope lastly that you can really be proud of yourself because I know for me there's nothing I'm more proud of in my life. Want to get more of these tools straight into your inbox? I send free teachings most Wednesdays that cover a wide range of top topics from relationships and purpose to parts work and connecting with your truth. Use the link in the show notes below to join my email community. So if you're new to this podcast, every single episode has a Q and A component to it and it's One of my favorite parts of the episodes because it really gives me a time to go into real life examples and give you practical tools on what you can do to begin shifting your experience. If you're interested in ever submitting a question, there's a link in the show notes. To do that, you can submit a video, an audio question or a written one. And we have three today that I'm really excited to answer for you. Here's the first one.
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Listener
So my question is, firstly, I want to say that I have a huge receiving block and for me it's. It's been so difficult to receive anything. I have always been an over giver and that has led me to massive burnout. But in order for me to receive, it's very difficult. I cannot receive even a compliment or your help is like too far fetched for me. So how do I work on this? Because I have been doing past work on myself and that part feels like it's dying. If, if it advocates for its needs, it's gonna die. So I've been doing the parts work and it has helped me, but I want to just know like, how can I work on opening my receiving portal and so that receiving is easy for me.
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Sarah
So a misconception about healing is that the good is just going to feel good. That's actually not true because our nervous systems like what they know. So if we, you know, aren't oriented in our bodies to experience things like leaning on others and being exposed and vulnerability and love, all the things we want. And then our nervous systems are saying, I don't think that's safe and I don't have the capacity for it because that has a lot of energetic charge to it, it can feel very overwhelming. So if we didn't begin our lives building our capacity for getting our needs met or building our capacity for intimacy with our caregivers who are supposed to do that with us, then that becomes inhibited. And so then in our adult lives, as we go to try to step towards these things, we'll notice that they're really overwhelming for me. I can give so many examples. But I'll say that in romantic partnership there were times where I really noticed, and this is after doing tons of work that as I wanted to share more about something that I felt vulnerable around, how challenging it was, really noticed I had to expand my capacity for it where I went to share something like I feel insecure about this or I feel, oh, it's bringing up this old inadequate feeling from my childhood that even naming it felt really Exposing. And there's my. My system wanted to run and hide, and I had to build my capacity to not do that and instead open up the curtain and, and, and let my partner's partner see me. And that's what it looks like to lean into it. So it's not going to necessarily just feel great at first. It requires our. Our capacity building towards it and our ability to receive. Like this person's talking about. What they also named was parts. And that's a really important thing for me to address here. So they said that this part of me, and these are my words. I'm sorry, these aren't the exact words, but essentially this part of me feels like they're going to die if they ask for their needs to be met. So that really tells me that there was a moment in time where this part asked for their needs to be met and was being exposed totally. And they were either harmed, hurt, or rejected in some way. So what that part learned was never do that again. So if you think about it, think about a child who all they're desiring is for their caregivers to see them and love them and adore them and create safety for them and connect with them, and to think that the most wonderful thing in the world, and so they reach up with total vulnerability in that. And if that wasn't met because your parents were distracted or they were busy or they were abusive or they were working all the time to try to pay the bills, then your system says, oh my God, that was so painful. To deeply desire this from you and to be rejected or for it to not be met, I'm never doing that ever again. And we develop these protector parts, these protector parts job is to keep that most vulnerable part safe. And so this person who submitted this question has a protective part that's deflecting receiving because they're terrified of rejection. And so what we can get really good at, I had the same thing we can get really good at is I'll help everybody else. Because it's a way for me to avoid ever having to encounter that feeling, that experience again in the past. So one component of this that we must address is reparenting our parts, coming to the aid of our parts the way that no one did. And we have episodes on parts work. I really invite you to go visit them, but it's essentially becoming the parent I never had or filling in the blanks where your parents, you know, fell short. And when we can do that, those parts begin to feel safe with us. The other thing we do is we need to build our capacity for receiving. And that doesn't look like beginning with asking your partner to meet this big need you have or asking a friend to come help you move, that's probably going to feel too big. Can I start receiving from nature? So can I lay on the earth and really let it hold me? Most of us have a bracing. If we've had to caretake others, we'll notice that we brace. And so your. Your fascia even comes becomes really tight. I think of this, like, even when you're held, you're holding yourself. So can I let the earth hold me? That's a form of receiving. Can I receive a hug from someone and really let myself feel it? Can I receive the sun on my face? Can I really receive the food I'm eating? This is. This is the process of capacity building, like we've talked about in this episode, but particularly around the concept of receiving. So when people come to me and say, I want to make more money, and I'll say, well, we have to expand your capacity to receive. And they're like, cool, cool. So, like, I want to make $20,000 more this month. And I'll say, that's really nice. You have that intention. How about let's get into your nervous system? Because the way to that if you want to receive more and any respect is by building your capacity to hold it, otherwise your nervous system won't let it close. So those are the things to really focus on. And when we do this, we're able to actually lean on others. This is, by the way, coming to you from somebody who I've literally driven myself to surgeries and got there. And then they're like, hey, you cannot actually drive yourself to a home from a surgery. You're gonna have anesthesia. I just wouldn't think to invite to ask someone to help or I'd move on my own, you know, like doing everything on my own, because that's what was comfortable. And it took a lot of cour to say, I'm going to lean on others for help. And when we do this, though, life opens up for us in beautiful ways. So let's get to the second question. Please discuss how a dysregulated nervous system contributes to chronic illness and how when you start to become regulated and you start to feel better, you can slip back into dysregulation and. And it almost seems chronic illness symptoms almost seem even more overwhelming.
- [38:12]
Listener
Thank you.
- [38:14]
Sarah
So there's a lot of research now around the correlation between chronic dysregulation of the nervous system and chronic illness. Why is our nervous system chronically dysregulated? Well, that's just unresolved trauma because our system doesn't think that we're safe. So we'll experience that chronic dysregulation. The amazing thing about our nervous system. System, but there's so many amazing things about it, but it's filled with an incredible amount of nerve endings. And this is a part of the vagus nerve and also the sympathetic nervous system. So vagus means wanderer. It's the largest nerve system in our entire body. Starts at the 10th cranial nerve. It goes up to our head, face and inner ear and all the way down to our gut and our viscera. Again. It touches every organ system. So think of these like, like tentacles and, and they touch every organ for a very important reason that when you're in dysregulation, so your system doesn't think you're safe. It needs the energy of every organ to. In order to evade the threat or in order to ensure our safety. So if your system thinks a line is chasing you or a line is chasing you, it's going to bring you into something called your sympathetic nervous system. This is fight or flight. You need as much energy as possible here to get away from the lion or fight the lion. Lion, you probably won't try to fight the lion. You're probably gonna try to get away from it anyway. In order to have as much energy as possible. What it does is the nerve endings constrict around your organs and in the constricting around the organs, you know, that constricts blood flow. What's actually happening is it's communicating to that organ and essentially saying, hey, liver, we may die because a lion is chasing us. So we don't really care about detoxifying right now. Can you give up some of your energy and in order for us to survive? And the liver says, sure, I'll give up. You know, I'm making up a number 50%. And then it goes to your, your GI track in your stomach and it says, hey, we don't really need to worry about digesting food. Can we have some of your energy? So your GI track says, sure, you can have mine immune system. Can we have your energy? Who cares about a cold? We need to get away from this threat. Sure, I'll give up some of my energy. Every organ does it. And then all that extra energy goes towards your heart. Something called your vagal break opens up. Think of this like a dance. Am holding back blood. And all of that blood flows through your heart so your heart can beat as fast as possible, and that blood can go to your arm, your extremities so you can get away. Really, isn't that adaptive? Think about that. If you've ever thought you were broken, look how incredible that is. Now, in short spurts, that's not a problem, because after you come into regulation, the nerve safety, the nerve endings release, and all that energy goes back to the proper organs and they function at their full capacity. Capacity in long term, stays in dysregulation. It's as if your GI tract is saying, oh, my gosh, we're really trying, but it's been a decade and I'm not really absorbing food well anymore. And I develop ulcers, Crohn's disease, colitis. I have autoimmune issues that occur. I start to get sick all the time because my immune system's not functioning. I can't detoxify, and so on and so forth. And so we develop chronic illness. That's why I say regulating your nervous system is the best medicine if you're finding yourself chronically ill. I am somebody who had fibromyalgia colitis, ibs. I was sick about every other week of my life. Skin issues, like, so many problems. And I can tell as I don't experience any of them anymore. And it's through the regulation of my nervous system along with all of the other holistic things that I was doing. But that was really the foundation. And when we do that, it really heals our bodies. Now when this person is saying, saying, I did that work and then I had, you know, some dysregulation, and then I have a flare up. And they said it feels worse. And what I'll say is, it might feel worse, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is. It likely feels worse because you are more embodied now. And when we're disembodied, we're disconnected from our bodies and what's actually occurring. And when you come back into your body now, I'm present to everything, and it can feel overwhelmed, overwhelming. I'll even. I say this, that sometimes when people regulate, they're like, oh, my gosh, I feel really present in here, but my neck is killing me or my back hurts. I didn't even notice that before. Right, because you weren't in your body. So likely that's what's occurring. It's not that you've gone backwards. It's that you're actually more embodied. And I Invite you to remember. I think I actually might know who this person is, somebody who's done programs with me before, that you have done so much work in order to come into your body, body. So much work and healing and that that is not lost just because you're having a flare up and that this is forward, it's not backwards. All right, let's go to the last question.
- [42:44]
Listener
Hi again, Sarah and Sarah's team. So I saw that you're still looking for questions, so here are a few ones. So I'm super curious. I know you, you shared with us a lot of bits of your story, but I'm still, like, curious about your journey. So if you feel like sharing a bit more, if that you're comfortable to share more about your healing journey. And I heard that you're working on a book or I read maybe on one of your Instagram pages. So I'm curious where are you at in that process? Because I can't wait. And the other thing was related to mentors and guidance and teachers. You're one of the. My mentor. The people in my, like, spiritual, like circle. And I would love to know who inspires you, who gives you hope and faith.
- [43:42]
Sarah
I love this question. Okay, I'm going to answer all three things. The first is a little about my journey. Some of you already know this, so sorry to be redundant. Some of you might not know this. I first just want to say I think that the mental health model, the traditional one that started with Freud and, you know, sitting on a couch, not looking at the person helping you, that's really started with people, clinicians who are terrified to connect. Um, and that this iron curtain is not actually helpful. What we need is human connection. Of course, it's. I. I will also say the caveat to that is having therapeutic boundaries is vital and very, very important. To join with a client and not merge with them. Maybe we'll do an episode at some point for practitioners or clinicians around that, but somatically joining and not merging. Anyway, I'm happy to share some of my journey and my hope in that sharing that this is that it shows you what's possible. Because if it's possible for me, it's possible for you. We are all so much more similar than we are different. And there is nothing special about me. I have the same nervous system that you have. I just happened to, I don't know, by some magic or luck or something maybe bigger than me, found my way to the work that I needed. And that's why I care so that's why we created this podcast, because all I care about is helping other people like you find your way to. I came into this world in a really difficult way. I grew up in poverty. My mother had eight children. She's a narcissist and didn't protect me or my siblings and really was incapable, capable of loving and putting us first. She had five children and was married and had an affair with my biological father and had me. So I'm from a child of an affair. And because she couldn't take responsibility for what she had done because of her narcissism, she deflected that. And so I became the scapegoat for my older siblings, the anger they had about their father leaving and their parents not being together. So, you know, they were really cruel to me. Some of them like telling me that I wasn't wanted and my own father didn't want me, and just, just. It was just really, really challenging to grow up in that environment. And I didn't have connection to my birth father. Oh, I did for the first two years of my life, and then. And then didn't have contact with him. So it was just really challenging. Like the type of environment where, you know, I had to teach myself to read and to get myself to school and do all my work by myself. And the messaging was, doing it on your own is what makes you strong. And so I had to learn to do that. My mother married my stepfather, and I experienced sexual abuse inside my home for the majority of my childhood and with other people as well, or from other people as well, outside of my home and also in the home. So it was a really, really challenging way to grow up. And I dissociated from most of it until later in my life, like, disconnected from it. And usually what happens is when we come into safety, this can happen later on. We start to remember things, and that's what started to occur for me. So there were other things. I won't get into all the details, but other stuff along the way that happened. And had to send myself to school because we grew up in poverty and college and. And I moved to. I remember this 17 years ago, I moved to Los Angeles with. I was, like, in debt so much money. I had all these private loans, and my stepfather stole a lot of that money and was in debt. And I had no one to call. I got off a plane with nowhere to sleep. I'll never forget that. With suitcases and nowhere to go. I just had money to get here, and some friends from college let me sleep on their. Slept on their floor for a while and then got to a place where I shared a twin size mattress for a year actually with one of my friends. We took turns who was going to sleep on it each night. But it was really hard. I had nobody. There wasn't someone to help to rescue me. I have an aunt and uncle who are like parents to me and they really did the best they could, but there was just a lot there. And I got married. I was married for actually a decade. And that container I'm so grateful for because. Because it was the safest relationship I'd ever been in. But it was still one where I wasn't seen, I wasn't heard, I had no needs because that's what was safe for me at the time. Anything more would have been intolerable for me. And I began to heal and come back into myself and went on this long journey of healing and having to piecemeal it like find all the different modalities. And I thought it was just talk therapy, but that wasn't really doing the trick. And then I tried all these other things and had to devote myself to, to it. The other option was not being here. For me, it was that bad. And it brought me to life. And truly, there's nothing I'm more proud of in my life than that journey at all. And it's why I've devoted my life to helping other people do it. Because I know it's possible. And if it's possible for me as somebody who is hanging on by a thread, it's possible for all of us. We just need to be shown the way. And my field has done us such a disservice in not guiding us down that path. So the programs that I offer are about that. And all I care about truly is helping each person, you who submitted this question come home to yourself to live the life you are here to live really quickly. I am writing a book. I've been writing a book for almost, I think it's like almost three years at this point. And the reason it's taken me that long is I had this incredible opportunity come to me with a amazing, just an amazing, wonderful publisher and an agent. And all this was set up for me and it was a lot for my nervous system felt like a really big stretch. And I thought, you know, I'll be able to do this in six months. And my nervous system was saying, no, this is really big exposure because it's one of the biggest publishers in the world and one of the biggest agencies in the world. And all of that's really good, right? Like, you think, wow, that's amazing. But it's. I want to name this out loud because for so many of us who experience this, it's really confusing. Like, why can't I just do this thing? Well, because we have to build our capacity for it. And it's the trusting that I can't miss what's for me. So if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, it's all going to unfold at exactly the right time. And I know that fully for myself, this is all happening the exact right time. And it's just about done. And then I'm so glad that I can be a mentor for you. There's been. It's truly one of the biggest honors to me. I've had so many mentors in my life. My grandmother was one of my first, and then there's like some non traditional ones. Nature is one of my biggest mentors. My dogs have been huge mentors for me in my life. The universe is a huge mentor for me. Mr. Rogers was one of my biggest childhood mentors and still is, by the way. I talked about eventually I want to make this into a TV show. And I say all the time, it's like kind of like Mr. Rogers for adults, because he was such a big part of my life. And then Deb Dana is a friend and mentor of mine. She's incredible. Clinician Peter Levine Bessel Van der Kolk and his wife Leisha Sky. I have worked with them many times assisting them in doing trauma work. So I'm very close to them. And then I have a few other mentors. You might not know their names, but they are equally as skilled and brilliant. And mentorship is really important. And we don't have to know the person to be mentored by them. Want to name that too. So thank you for these questions. I so appreciate every single one of them. And just a reminder, we are all so much more similar than we are different. I see myself in every single question that was asked. So thank you for submitting those and I can't wait to see you in the next episode.