You Make Sense: Why We Choose the Partners We Choose

Host: Sarah Baldwin
Episode Release Date: November 5, 2024

1. Introduction to the Episode

In this compelling episode of You Make Sense, Sarah Baldwin delves into the intricate reasons behind our partner choices. Drawing from her extensive expertise in trauma resolution, attachment, parts work, and nervous system regulation, Sarah explores how our past influences the relationships we form in the present. She emphasizes that understanding these patterns is pivotal for fostering healthier and more fulfilling connections.

2. Understanding Partner Choices Through Neuroscience

Sarah begins by asserting that our selection of partners is far from coincidental. “None of this is a coincidence,” she states early on (00:00). Instead, our choices are deeply rooted in our internal databases—collections of past experiences that shape our perceptions and interactions.

3. Neuroception and the Internal Database

Central to Sarah's discussion is the concept of neuroception, a subconscious process by which our nervous system evaluates potential partners based on past relational templates. She explains:

“Neuroception is looking out into the world and it's really the one who's looking for a partner for you. It is first looking to the database and it's saying, well, what intel do we have on what love is” (00:02).

This internal database encompasses every lived experience, particularly early childhood interactions, which lay the foundational blueprint for future relationships.

4. The Role of Early Childhood Experiences

Sarah highlights how early relational experiences, especially those with caregivers, significantly influence our adult partnerships. For instance, if love in childhood was equated with “not having your needs met” or “being a perfectionist”, these patterns unconsciously guide partner selection and relationship dynamics later in life.

“Our nervous systems like what they know. And in fact, that's what your nervous system thinks love can be,” Sarah emphasizes (02:30).

5. Patterns in Romantic Relationships

Using a hypothetical scenario, Sarah illustrates how neuroception perpetuates familiar yet unhealthy relationship patterns. For example, someone who was conditioned to believe that love requires self-sacrifice may find themselves repeatedly attracted to partners who mirror past neglectful or critical behaviors.

“You're really drawn to that person because they're replicating what my system knows from my childhood,” she explains (07:45).

Sarah shares her personal experiences, noting that her past relationships mirrored her childhood trauma, where her needs were consistently unmet, highlighting the pervasive influence of early experiences.

6. Healing and Changing Relationship Choices

Sarah offers hope by asserting that altering our internal databases is possible through healing. By regulating our nervous systems and engaging in parts work, we can “change what's in that database, which changes whom we pick” (10:15). This transformation allows us to select partners based on healthier, more fulfilling criteria rather than ingrained survival mechanisms.

7. Differentiating Love from Choice vs. Love from Survival

A key segment of the episode differentiates between love from choice and love from survival. Sarah explains that many relationships are entered from a place of survival, driven by the need to replicate safe zones established in childhood. In contrast, love from choice emerges when we have cultivated internal safety and can select partners based on compatibility and mutual respect.

“Healthy love is discerning. Healthy love is not infatuation,” Sarah clarifies (15:50).

She further discusses the initial discomfort that can arise when transitioning to relationships based on choice, as our systems adapt from survival-based interactions to healthier engagements.

8. Listener Q&A Highlights

The episode includes a thoughtful Q&A session where Sarah addresses listener concerns, offering practical insights and somatic techniques.

a. Managing Overreactions in Relationships

Question: "I'm currently in a relationship and have strong reactions to minor issues, feeling overwhelmed and unable to control my responses."
Answer:
Sarah explains that such reactions often stem from past trauma where similar triggers were present. “If my reaction doesn't match the circumstance, that's a clue that our system is being reminded of something in the past,” she advises (22:24).

She recommends identifying the root cause of these reactions by reflecting on past experiences and consciously creating internal safety. This involves “meeting the need of that part and helping them to feel safe,” thereby reducing reactive behaviors (22:30).

b. Impact of Mixed Parental Figures on Attachment

Question: "How does having an abusive father and a safe mother affect my attachment style and relationships?"
Answer:
Sarah elucidates that individuals can embody a combination of attachment styles due to varied parental influences. With a nurturing mother and an abusive father, one might exhibit traits of secure attachment alongside avoidant or disorganized tendencies.

“We can be a combination of multiple attachment styles,” Sarah notes (32:35). She emphasizes the importance of recognizing these mixed influences to understand relationship dynamics fully and work towards integrating healthier attachment behaviors.

c. Coping with Loneliness Despite Healing Efforts

Question: "Despite working on my nervous system and taking steps towards connection, I still feel severe loneliness and struggle to find community."
Answer:
Sarah commends the listener's progress and encourages continued efforts in seeking connection. She suggests “tolerable amounts of connection” such as greeting strangers or engaging in community activities like classes, which can naturally foster relationships (37:00).

Furthermore, she highlights the importance of finding communities where others are also engaged in healing work, thereby creating a supportive environment that alleviates feelings of isolation.

9. Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Sarah concludes the episode by reiterating the transformative power of understanding and healing our internal databases. By addressing past traumas and cultivating internal safety, we empower ourselves to make conscious, fulfilling choices in our relationships. She underscores that this healing journey is not only about romantic partnerships but extends to friendships, work environments, and broader community interactions.

“We create the internal secure attachment, we become the home to ourselves,” Sarah summarizes (40:15), encouraging listeners to embark on this path of self-discovery and empowerment.

Notable Quotes

• Sarah Baldwin (00:00): “None of this is a coincidence. I think that's actually really a positive, actually, because if it's not a coincidence, that means that there's a reason for it.”

• Sarah Baldwin (02:30): “Our nervous systems like what they know. And in fact, that's what your nervous system thinks love can be.”

• Sarah Baldwin (07:45): “You're really drawn to that person because they're replicating what my system knows from my childhood.”

• Sarah Baldwin (10:15): “Change what's in that database, which changes whom we pick.”

• Sarah Baldwin (15:50): “Healthy love is discerning. Healthy love is not infatuation.”

• Sarah Baldwin (22:24): “If my reaction doesn't match the circumstance, that's a clue that our system is being reminded of something in the past.”

• Sarah Baldwin (32:35): “We can be a combination of multiple attachment styles.”

• Sarah Baldwin (37:00): “Tolerable amounts of connection… are titrated steps we want to take.”

• Sarah Baldwin (40:15): “We create the internal secure attachment, we become the home to ourselves.”

This episode of You Make Sense offers profound insights into the subconscious drivers of our relationship choices and provides a roadmap for healing and fostering healthier connections. Through understanding neuroception, addressing past traumas, and cultivating internal safety, listeners are empowered to navigate their relational landscapes with newfound clarity and intention.