← You Make Sense
You Make Sense
Why We Choose the Partners We Choose
00:41:44
Ever wonder why you keep choosing the same kind of partners? Sarah breaks it all down in this episode. She’s going to teach you how your nervous system is the one doing the matchmaking, drawing on your early childhood experiences to inform the way you show up in your adult relationships. Whether it’s romantic partnerships, friendships, or work dynamics, you’ll learn how to begin changing old patterns that no longer serve you. Many of us choose our partners out of a need for survival rather than from a place of choice. Sarah will give you powerful somatic tools to begin creating a new internal baseline for what love is, so that you can transform your relationships and step toward the secure attachments you’re desiring.
Loading summary
Transcript7 lines
- [00:00]
A
Hi, I'm Sarah and welcome to youo Makesense. I'm a somatic experiencing practitioner and expert on trauma resolution, attachment parts work, and nervous system regulation. This podcast is a manual to understanding your human experience so that you can navigate the world with freedom, ease, empowerment, and create the life that you desire. Remember, you make sense all parts always. So in this episode we're going to talk about why we choose the partners that we choose and how to choose differently. I can tell you in, in the time I've been doing this work, which is a really long time, I get that question asked in every program that I have. We get DMs about it all the time, emails back from newsletters. So I'm really excited to have this episode because I think it's going to be resonant for a lot of people and maybe for you, too. Now, I just want to also name this isn't just about romantic partners. It might be why we choose the friends we choose, why we choose the people to work for that we end up working for. And we're going to look at the patterns inside of that choosing and then how to actually change that. So the first thing that's really important to understand is none of this is a coincidence. I think that's actually really a positive, actually, because if it's not a coincidence, that means that there's a reason for it. And if there's a reason for it, there's something that we can do to change it. And you're in luck because that is actually the truth. Now, the people that we choose currently in our lives is a direct reflection of what is going on in our database of past information. So I know almost every episode I talk about the database at some point because as I've said before, your nervous system is the foundation of everything. So everything you do is informed by your nervous system and certainly by this, this database. So we all have this internal database that has every lived experience we've ever had inside of it, including all of your relational experiences, meaning how you were related to in your earliest childhood experiences. That really lays the blueprint for relationships and also later relationships like maybe an ex partner or a high school sweetheart or whatever. They're all inside that database. So as you're deciding I'm going to step towards dating, let's say I really want to step towards this thing, the threat detector. Neuroception is looking out into the world and it's really the one who's looking for a partner for you. Now, the thing about neuroception is it's subconscious, meaning you don't actually have control over it. And so when it looks for a partner for you, it's essentially like your matchmaker. It is first looking to the database and it's saying, well, what intel do we have on what love is? So whatever you received beginning in your earliest childhood experiences and then following that later, that's going to be what your system decides love is. Even if it wasn't loving at all, that will be the baseline. And our nervous systems like what they know. And in fact, that's what your nervous system thinks love can be. It doesn't know yet that it can be something different. So if love meant not having your needs met and maybe, maybe it meant being the good child. So you took care of everybody else's needs and you made sure everybody else was happy and you like, adorned them with loving kindness and you couldn't really take up space or be seen. And that's how you were loved. And because of that, you were safe. And maybe you even got positive reinforcement from that. Maybe another component of it was you had to caretake. So you had to physically make sure that your parents or your siblings were okay. And then let's throw in perfectionism. So maybe you had to be really perfect in the relationship in order for things to be okay. So now we have three things that your threat detector is saying. This is what love is. It's having no needs, adorning others with your loving kindness. It means being a perfectionist, so getting things, everything right. And it means being a caretaker. And so that is the role that I play and that's what I am in relationships. And then it also looks to, well, what are others in relationships? So if others, the other people in a relationship were like, let's say a caregiver was someone who was not very attentive, maybe they were a workaholic. So they weren't around very often, they didn't see you and they didn't meet your needs, well, then your system is saying, well, that is the dynamic I'm used to and that is all I know again of love. So as you begin to go out and date, and literally as you're looking on a dating app at people's photos, your threat detector is picking up on the most subtle cues to see if is this love or is this not love? Is this love or is this not love? And remember, it looks to the database to decide what love is. So it's really looking for a replica of your childhood or something close to that. So that's why you might go on a date with somebody. I'm going to continue with this person's example. This made up fictional person's example. So this person goes on a date with somebody and they're on this date and, and they're just adorning the person with, with kindness, right? They're asking so many questions. And let's say this person isn't really asking questions back. They actually just really enjoy being centered and they're answering all the questions and they haven't really engaged the other person. And there might even be moments where they look down at their phone, they kind of disengage when, when she, she or they are talking like I'm sharing something about myself and they don't. They're kind engaged when I do that. They might even make a comment on if I do something that's not exactly right. Like maybe I use the wrong. I use the salad fork instead of the dinner fork. And they make a joke that's not really a joke. It's kind of like underhanded and unkind, like, oh, that's su. Do you, have you never been to a restaurant like this or something like that that touches on. I have to be perfect, right? I'm getting it wrong. So they just touched on all the stuff from my childhood. And so what's going to occur is my threat detector is going to say that's what love is. And I'm going to be really drawn to that person because they're replicating what my system knows from my childhood. Not because my system wants me to suffer and not experience the relationships I desire, but because our systems like what they know. The second component, our system component is, our system also is so brilliant. It says, well, if I can find a partner who's very similar and if I can make them different, then maybe I can heal the past. And that's like a brilliant thing that our psyche is trying to do. So this is why I'm gonna find myself being like, oh my God, this person is so attractive and I just wanna make out with them and have sex with them and marry them and have babies with them. I just love this person. And you might even feel after one week like they're your home. Like, I don't know, I just, I don't know how I'd ever live without them. I can't even imagine living without them. They just feel like they complete me. Well, that's because your system, it's not even about that person at all, is being reminded of your childhood in that moment. And it's superimposing the past on the present. And if you were to go on a date with somebody who didn't replicate the blueprint of your childhood, and maybe this other person you went on a date with was attentive, they really wanted you to take up space, so they wanted to see you. They wanted you to open up and be vulnerable to them. They wanted to meet your needs. They were, you know, adorning you with loving kindness. Your threat detector is going to say, I don't know what that is. That isn't love. And also, not only that, it overwhelms me. It's overwhelming. And what's overwhelming for our nervous system, the good things are often overwhelming for our nervous system because our nervous system's not used to it. And so we'll find that to be, in some ways unattractive and at, you know, the far end, which used to be me finding it almost repulsive. Part of the repulsion is, well, why are you being so kind to me? Because if my own caregivers did not treat me the way you are treating me, there must be something wrong with you. And so we can find them to be pathetic or unattractive, et cetera. And so what will happen is, until we do our healing work, we're going to find ourselves in similar situations again and again and again and again. And I can tell you for myself, in terms of romantic partnerships, for me, my romantic partnerships. And I've said this in other episodes, but from literally, like the time in middle school that I had a boyfriend all the way up until being 25, essentially everyone but one person, one very kind man when I was in high school, but the rest of them, because in case he ever listens to this, I don't want him to think, oh, my gosh, I was so nice to you. What are you talking about? But anyway, again, I've said this in another episode, but I think it's so fun doing this because you're getting to hear a lot more from me than you do in a newsletter or on Instagram. And I hope. I hope that it. That it's helping to support you to know me more. Anyway, every single person that I dated replicated what was in my database, which was, I was abandoned as a kid. I had a narcissistic parent. I wasn't safe, and I certainly wasn't given, you know, loving kindness. So all of the people that I dated replicated that. There were people. Most of these people had a significant other, like a girlfriend or whatever, that I didn't know about. And I never didn't know that at the beginning. In fact, every single one of them seemed like the most wonderful, kind person at the beginning. But the amazing thing, and it is beautiful about our threat detector is it picks up on the subtle cues. So it was picking up on all of those things subconsciously. And then every single one of them replicated what my system was used to. And again, this was happening because my system was saying, I like what I know. This is all that I know love to be. This is all that I deserve, because this is all that I got. And maybe if I can just make this one stay, I'll be able to make the past different. And that's what we're all doing. And so often I hear people say, I just want to choose differently. Like, how do I choose differently? And the process of choosing differently does not happen by just getting. I've heard some people say I have a bad picker. You don't have a bad picker. You have a neuroceptive response that's replicating the past because that's all it knows. The beautiful thing is we can actually change what's in that database, which changes whom we pick. And we're going to talk about that in a minute. But the. At the end of this podcast episode. But the first thing that I want to talk about is the difference of love from choice versus love from survival. And so many of us, when we're in relationships, we are choosing from a place of survival rather than a place of choice. And here's why. Because our romantic partnerships mimic our earliest childhood experiences the most more than anything else. And that means that they're the place where our young parts show up the most because they're reminded of the past. Which is why I don't know if you've ever felt this way, but I sure have. And I've heard a lot of people say this is. You're feeling really great in your life, and then you get into a relationship and you're like, ah, what's going on? I don't know what my truth is. I feel out of control. I feel panicked, I feel insecure, I feel scared and small. And, ah, this is not feeling good. Well, that's because it is reminding your system of what you experienced when you're young. And that doesn't mean it's something we should run away from. It's the opportunity for us to do a lot of healing. But if. If we're really identified with these younger parts, they're really in our bodies, then these young Parts are going to be going after love from a place of needing to survive versus adult us being able to choose. Why is that? Because imagine being six years old in the world and being all alone. You wouldn't be able to survive. A six year old would really beautifully and adaptively say, well, I'd much rather have the parent that gives me breadcrumbs and that is, I feel invisible. But I have a safe home and there are another person there to make me feel safe. I'd much rather have that than be alone because I won't survive being alone. So if we're really identified with our younger parts, we'll. We'll really struggle to leave relationships that might not be for us. And so if you've ever had someone say to you like, you're so amazing, why are you in this? You deserve so much better, you gotta leave. And you might think like, yeah, I know, but you can't. Well, that's an indicator that young parts are running the show. And there's no amount of telling yourself that you should be able to leave or other people telling you that's actually going to support you to be able to leave. What we need to do is work with these younger parts and reparent them. We have got episodes on parts work and we do this by really creating the internal safety that we never got. So by regulating our nervous system by internal co regulation work, which I talk about in parts work episodes, so comforting and greeting those young parts, giving them what they never got in the present moment. And the more we do this, the more we actually create an internal home. So many of us. This was certainly my experience. I felt like I was always looking for home because I never had a home. And there isn't for anyone who's experienced that, you know, there's not a word that can really explain what I'm saying. It's this deep feeling inside that I don't belong anywhere. And when we actually do this work with our younger parts, we create the home they never had. And now home is inside of us. And now I am safe with me. And the result of that is that now I get to choose people from a place of choice. Meaning I don't need you, I am choosing you. There's a really big difference between those two things. And in that we become discerning. So if I feel safe inside, then I am really safe to, you know, think of dating, dating friends, dating romantic partners, even, you know, interviewing people you want to work for or with. I'm really interviewing you, meaning I am And I'm not under a microscope doing that. But I'm interviewing you, meaning I'm looking at to see are we compatible? Are there things that work? What doesn't work? Are the things that don't work, things I can live with? Are there things that could be worked on that's actually really healthy? And I've said this before, but we, society Hollywood really shows us that love is infatuation. Meaning like I just am obsessed with you and you're the best thing that ever could happen in the world. Infatuation is just a clue that a younger part, usually teenage parts, are present. And if I can make you this perfect person, love me, then maybe it will rescue me from my past. And that's what we're really doing when we're infatuated with someone. So healthy love is discerning. Healthy love is not infatuation. And I used to think that love was infatuation. I was just, I was totally infatuated with people and thought that was love. But it's a really a self protective response. So it can be a little unexpected as you are coming into safe, secure relationships. Meaning it can be different than what you might expect. So the way that we, I want to explain what that means. But the way that we begin choosing differently and having partners that reflect the things we actually desire is we must give it to ourselves. You can't just pick different because neuroception is subconscious. So that picker, your neuroceptive response, you can't have control of it over it. But what you can do is change it. What, what, what is in the database. So the more that you regulate your nervous system and then you do parts work where you could create internal safety, you internally co regulate and essentially give the younger parts the childhood they never got. Every time you do that through your loving compassion and your kindness and you're listening to your parts and you're meeting their needs, you imprint new experiences that essentially changes the blueprint. And no longer is your blueprint one in which you don't get your needs met. It's one in which you are safely seen and adored and loved fully. And then your picker changes automatically. And so now the people that I pick and that I'm drawn to and attracted to replicate that. It happens with ease. And your internal world begins to, or your, rather your external world begins to match your internal world. So it's not just about strategically picking different, it's about embodying this. Now the other thing that I want to say is at first when you come into A safe, secure attachment. It's just not going to feel good at first fully. And that is normal. We have to then after we've done all this work, we then have to have the embodied experiences of safety. And our nervous system has to build its capacity to be in that. And for many of us, when we've had love from survival, it can feel really like a drug. I think of it like, it can feel like we're drowning and I need you in order to survive. So I'm drowning, I'm drowning, I'm drowning and I get you to come back. And now you resuscitate me and you put me into this boat that you have. And oh my gosh, you're the most amazing thing that ever happened. I can't ever live without you because I'm going to drown without you. And then I fall into the water again and I wait for them to rescue me and it's this exhausting process. But that also feels a bit like a drug or a high every time I'm rescued. So relationships like this can feel like big highs and lows and highs and lows and highs and lows, and we can confuse that with love. Now when you come into a safe, secure attachment for the first time, somebody who's present and there and they're reliable and they love you and they show up and they want to know more of you and they're consistent, it's kind of like just being in that boat. So there's no more big waves, there's no more you being resuscitated and drowning. You're in this boat with them and the boat doesn't capsize. It has some waves, but it doesn't capsize. And at first it can feel unsettling. It can even feel unexciting at first. And it's important to name that. If you're noticing, like go on a date with someone and you kiss one person and you're like, whoa, there's so much electricity here. A lot of times that is a clue that is replicating those childhood experiences. If it feels like that kind of out of control thing, it might be replicating the past. If you notice that it feels. You kiss someone else and it feels really nice, it feels grounded and steady and beautiful and sweet. That might be something to lean into. That might be like the canoe that's really steady. And if you're listening and saying, I don't want a steady canoe, I want exciting. The good news is the more that you lean into that and your nervous system builds its Capacity to receive healthy, safe love, the more it actually opens you up to not be self protected in the dynamic. And when that occurs, we then experience really beautiful levels of excitement and eroticism and attraction that far supersede any of this drowning business that we've been doing prior. And then it's not just like floating in the canoe now, it's like, maybe we go whitewater rafting together. Maybe we, you know, kayak down these big rapids. I don't want to ever do any of that. I'd rather be in a canoe. But you might want to do that. And what I mean is it just makes the relationship more exciting. It actually becomes the thing you're desiring. But we have to build our capacity to receive that safe, healthy love. And so I share that because so often I hear people say, like, ah, well, I just don't feel excited in it. So yeah, it's not for me. And then they go back to that habituated pattern over and over again. And I also just don't want you to think that it means I'm going to be in this. It's going to feel mundane or, you know, not as fiery. That's not true at all. It can, can absolutely and will absolutely come to life in that way. The more we build our capacity to hold this experience. So it's really both of those things. It's an inside job. We create the internal secure attachment, we become the home to ourselves. The result of that is you have all that evidence in your database and your picker picks different neuroception actually will bring to you. It is the best matchmaker you could have. It will bring to you the people that you deserve and you desire. And then you gotta get into the relationship and we have to build our capacity to receive that kind of consistency and love. And when we do, the fire becomes, you know, really ignited in a beautiful way. And it heals the past in the process. And this is possible for every single one of us. This was my journey. Going from really unsafe relational experiences to having a beautiful relationship. And also this extends beyond that into friendships and work environments. If you find yourself working in chaotic environments all the time where your boss is always asking too much of you, well, that's a clue of a relational pattern. And when we do this work, all of that changes one tolerable step at a time. Not sure where to start with Somatic Healing. My free quiz, what's keeping you stuck? Will equip you with a personalized guide and tangible trauma informed tools to help you regulate your nervous system. Check out the link in the show notes to get started. So now we're going to get to the Q and A section for this episode. We've got three questions that I think you're going to find to be really supportive for you too.
- [21:29]
B
Hi, Sarah. So I'm currently in a relationship since a year and I'm really having a lot of strong, strong reactions to every little thing my partner does. Like small things like coming late from work or coming later or like not planning a date or like not inviting me to a friends trip. There is really something that triggers me every, every day. And it's like, I feel like it's so many topics, I don't even know where to start looking at this. And I can literally not stop a physical reaction from happening. Like, I either freeze or stonewall or I get really angry or I send a lot of angry texts and I do a lot of blaming. And I have really no idea how to stop these reactions and, like, take a step back and create some space to, like, see what's really underneath. Because it's a mixture of so many things, so overwhelming.
- [22:25]
A
So the reactions that we have in a relationship, they always match some circumstance. Meaning as this person was saying, she said very clearly or they said very clearly. They seem like small things that are happening, but I'm having really big responses. Really simple question that you can ask yourself when you're in a relationship, when you're getting triggered is not in the moment, because the answer will always be yes in the moment. But later to ask yourself, did my reaction match the circumstance? Meaning, did my reaction match what is happening today? If the answer is no, then we want to ask ourselves, what does the reaction match? Or when is the first time. I remember feeling this. Because if it doesn't match the circumstance, that's a clue that our system is being removed, Reminded of something in the past. Remember? And we've said this in this episode literally every other one. But it all goes back to that, that threat detector in the database. So if in the database that this person had experiences where they were harmed or they didn't get their needs met and they were chronically made to feel all alone and unloved, then anytime the partner, their partner does anything that reminds their threat detector, even in the most subtle way of those past things, it's as if they've trapped now, this person has traveled time and they are re experiencing what they experienced when they were young. And essentially what's occurring for you, for this person that submitted this question, but for anyone who experiences it if we could distill it down, this part of you is feeling unsafe, they're feeling really unsafe. And what that part then will try to do is in their feeling of lacking of safety because they don't have the internal safety, we can often try to control our partner or try to morph them into essentially the perfect parent. What I just said is very, very important to understand that for many of us, when we have young parts showing up in our relationships, and by the way, we all have young parts that show up in our relationships, those parts can often be looking for our partner to be a perfect human being, to be the perfect parent that we never got. But the truth is there are no perfect parents, right? So they're always going to get some things wrong. And when the young parts are, we're very identified with them or they're showing up a lot in our relationships, it's going to feel just like this person described, confusing and overwhelming and like a lot. So what I want you to ask yourself is if the reaction doesn't match the circumstance in the moment and later you look at it, our job is then to say, what part of me is triggered or was triggered? What did this remind me of? When's the first time I remember experiencing this in my life, this feeling? And then I want you to ask yourself, what about this makes this part feel unsafe? What about them not inviting me to that thing or being late makes me feel unsafe? Because we want to get to the root of what's actually going on with this part. And if we can find that, what that is, then we can meet the need of that part and help them to feel safe. We first wanna meet that need ourselves. So what can I do to listen to this part of me and then support them myself in creating internal safety and regulating my nervous system for that part. And then, you know, in a healthy partnership, I think of it like we're the primary parent to our parts and our partner is the secondary parent. And we go to that, our partner and say, you know what? I noticed when you're late, it really triggers for me my parent who was emotionally neglectful. It just triggers that. And I, man, when I think about it, I am really reminded of when I was 8 years old. I feel that so big in my body. And so I'm wondering if maybe I'm gonna, I'm gonna do my work on that, meaning I'm gonna work with that part and regulate. I'm wondering if, if you know, you're gonna run like, can you mind just texting Me, I think that will help too. Or can you just remind me that you love me now? All of that is asking them to be the secondary parent. But what I'm not doing is asking them to rescue my younger parts. And the more that we do this work, both parts of it, we have them support and we come to the aid of our parts and give them the safety that they're looking for, the more that they see my partner is not my parent, meaning they're not like my childhood parent. They're different. And I even do exercises when I'm doing parts, work with people where, where I'll have them, you know, in their mind's eye, invite in their partner, like imagining them, and show that young part how different the partner is from the parent. Like, what traits about them are different so our young parts can start to see, oh, this is actually quite different than my childhood. It's not the same thing. And I just want to name that. This is something that I felt so much in my life. I want to normalize that for this listener and for all of us. And the more that we do both of those things, the more that actually changes and then just adult us gets to show up in our relationships instead of our young parts being activated so much. So let's go to the next question that we have today. When I'm in relationships, romantic relationships, I tend to tense up when I like somebody and it's impossible for me to relax. I always feel like I'm on the lookout for when I'll be left or abandoned. Do you have any techniques that could be useful or any somatic techniques that could help me when I feel locked in and frozen? So what I want you to already see for everyone listening is look at the commonality here, right? The human experience is so much more similar than it is different. What is occurring for this person, too is that threat detector is looking to the database and it says, what intel do I have on love? Love means you're abandoned. So for this person, there is something that happened in their life where they were emotionally abandoned, physically abandoned, maybe both. And so their system is saying, as they are leaning into romantic partnership, essentially, it's like the movie Jaws. I don't have to do the same theme song for Jaws. You know, it. As they're leaning into a relationship, their system is saying, oh, this is going to happen again and I'm going to get abandoned again. And I never want that to happen. So their system is going to go into their sympathetic nervous system and it's going to say, I need to prevent against this. So we become hyper vigilant. Like how do I make sure that you're not leaving? Wait, is this a sign you're leaving? Is this a sign you're going to abandon me? And that's our younger parts saying, I don't want to ever experience this again. So the way that we address this is it's an inside and outside job. Just like I said to the previous person, we have to work on this is a clue of an anxious attachment. So my system is saying, don't leave. I need to make sure you don't leave. So we need to work on creating internal safety and feeling safe with me. So how do I show my system that well, I have to develop the ability for self regulation. So consistently doing the neural exercises of regulating with myself. And of course you can do this in a therapeutic container. You can do it. One of my programs. But consistently building our capacity for regulation and internal safety so that the young parts of you can see you are safe with you. That regardless if someone leaves, I am going to survive, that I'm going to be okay. This goes back to when I was talking about love from choice versus love from survival. When we have internal safety, we can actually discern and choose. And so that actually relinquishes the grip I have on a relationship. I used to grip relationships. And it can suffocate a relationship when we're gripping. And of course we come by that really well. Right. It's not that we want to be doing that. It's because our system is saying, I need to make sure that I don't die, that you don't leave. So the more that we regulate our nervous system, the more we show our parts that we are safe with us, the more this shifts. The other thing that we want to really lean into is, you know, we're supposed to have partners that help us and we're supposed to help our partners. So letting them behind the curtain and saying, here's what's actually going on. It isn't me trying to micromanage or control you, here's what's going on. And here are some ways that I think it might be able to. It might help to support my younger part. Like might be words of affirmation or it might be them leaving you a note every day or on the days that they're going to go do something that's triggering for you or whatever. All of that is them supporting your system to have greater safety. So we're doing it ourselves. And then we're asking them to do it as well. And the more you do this and you create that internal attachment of I don't leave, I never leave you younger parts, I will always, always, always be here, then it's actually okay if people leave. I'm not saying it's easy. If people transition from this life, if people leave us, it's very hard and filled with so much grief. But it's survivable. I don't feel like I'm going to die. And that allows me, frees me up to be myself in the relationship. And otherwise what happens is we inhibit parts of ourselves in a relationship and feel like I can only be certain versions of me because if I risk being all of me, you might go away. So the more we do this work, the more we're freed up to be us. And that's really what we're looking for.
- [31:42]
B
Hey, Sarah. So I've been wondering about my childhood and how it's impacted my relationships and attachment style. I had a very abusive father who was extremely unpredictable and narcissistic. But I had a wonderful mother who was always safe and she really tried her best and she was the only safe person really for me. And so I'm just confused about how that combination could play in to my attachment style and how it impacted my relationships because, you know, on the one hand I experienced a lot of love and safety, but then I experienced, you know, the complete opposite from my father. So it would be great if you could touch on that.
- [32:36]
A
So something that's important to understand is that we can be a combination of multiple attachment styles. Meaning you might be 20% securely attached and you might be 30% anxiously attached. And now I've given numbers that I don't know can't add up to 100 to anyway. The rest of the percentage might be avoidantly attached. So we can be a combination now with this person. If you had a safe mother, then likely there is some secure attachment in there. And then with your father, I don't know for you because I don't know the full extent of what happened with him, but I would guess either being disorganized or avoidant, meaning your system as a result of those experiences with him. Him being unpredictable could have the experience of I want people close, but when they're close, I push them away because they're scary, but I want them close, but when they're close, I push them away. And I don't really know what my truth is in relationship and I feel kind of comfortable in chaos and out of control. That's a possibility. Or being avoidant, meaning I shut down. It's hard to let people close because of that. So we can have a combination. Now that means that the person that we're going to be in relationship with is going to be both of those things, not just one of them. They're going to be safe and secure and available to us and loving and kind, maybe like your mother was. And then I might notice that they, maybe they're a healthier version of my father. And they, you know, they're quick to anger, they get frustrated a lot, which feels overwhelming to me, or they get agitated or snap at me sometimes. So then my system is going to respond to that just like it did in my childhood. So not only here do we. Do we pick people who replicate our childhood experience, but we also respond to those people in the way that we did in our childhood because that's what helped us to survive it. So we're going to find ourselves responding in the same way. One other thing I just want to name about this, and we'll get to this when we talk about more deeply about parts work. But to be a good parent, you actually need two things. A good parent is kind and loving. But a good parent is also ferociously protective. And I don't know this person's history, of course, but sometimes when we have one parent who was loving, very loving, and another parent who was unpredictable, unkind, maybe abusive in some way, the loving parent may not have had access to their own healthy aggression to protect us or themselves. To say, you can't speak to them that way or me that way. And so the issue with that is in order to feel safe with a parent, they can't just be loving and kind. They also have to be ferociously protective of us and be able to protect themselves. And so when we didn't have that, it actually doesn't create the safety that we need. And we might find ourselves to feel, feel unsafe in relationships as a result of that. So the work really is to become that for ourselves, that ferocious protector and that kind, loving parent as well. Um, but again, what you'll find is the people that you'll draw into your life will then be a culmination of both of those things. I also just want to name that this, this goes beyond romantic partnerships. You might find that, you know, in, in your work, this shows up this, this, the way that you relate to other people, to money and so on and so forth. So it's, it's, it can be global, far beyond a just a Romantic partnership. So let's go to the last question we have here for this episode.
- [36:05]
B
Hey, Sarah. So I have taken navigating your nervous system and you'd make sense and I feel like I've gotten a very good understanding of my nervous system and I am much more regulated and I'm definitely starting to take steps towards finding connection. However, I still am struggling with severe loneliness and severe. I feel like I've taken all the right steps, but I still haven't found that community. And you often say that healing is done in community and that you have to have that co regulation in order to heal. And so I sometimes get discouraged and think that I will never get better. And I was going to see what advice you have for that and if you could offer me any hope.
- [37:00]
A
So to this person, I just want to say first to celebrate you what a big deal it is that you have gone from feeling, you know, highly dysregulated to really feeling significant change. And that is because of you. That is the power of you and your nervous system and your dedication to doing this work work. And for people listening, you know, if you, if you have felt in your life like there is no hope, it's not going to get better. I'm not going to feel better. I hope that this person just sharing that first part of what they said instills some hope into you. And by the way, the two programs that that person named, one is two months long and the other is six weeks long. So it's not like they did this for two years. That is the type of change that happens when you embody this work. It profound. So I celebrate you, this person who shared that. And if you are able to do all of that, you most certainly are going to be able to step towards deeper connection as well. You know, I want to normalize this. So for me, I spent so much of my life really isolated and usually that's because along the way our system learned connection wasn't safe. So it's very challenging for us to lean towards or connect with others. And so I just really want you to know you're not alone in that. And what we want to do is find tolerable amounts of connection, whatever they might be. You know, it might start at first with listening to somebody who registers as safe for you. Going into nature. Nature is a profound regulating resource that supports deep, deep connection. So really spending time being present in nature, connecting to the trees, the birds, everything that's around us, other things is when you go out into the world or things are when you go out into the world, really seeing if you can lean into reaching out for connection, which, by the way, at first is kind of scary, right? To reach out. Because if in the past when we reached out, no one was there or they were dangerous, it's going to be challenging at first. And this literally looks like when you're on a walk saying hi to somebody, or going into a coffee shop and saying hello, or someone who's getting your coffee, asking them how their day is. All of these things show our nervous system that connection is safe. Those aren't small, by the way. I do that all throughout my day. Anytime I'm not at home working, I do that because I know that that's medicine. It is literally medicine for you, and it regulates your nervous system. So I am one of those people that's saying hi to everybody because I know the power of it. Because it's going to affect our nervous systems in a positive way. And not only that, but it shows your nervous system connection is safe. The other thing is. So those are titrated, tolerable steps we want to take. The other thing that I want to name is as we heal when and we begin to know deeper parts of ourselves, what occurs is people around us can only know the parts of us that they know within themselves. So you might have people in your life, but the more that you heal and embody this work, the more that you feel unseen by them because they can't possibly see the parts of you that they don't see within themselves. You might find this with your family or current friends, circles that you're in. And this doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means that they can't meet you there if they haven't gone there yet. And so this is actually a really normal thing that a lot of people experience as they heal. Certainly was something I experienced. And there can be moments in it. Not just moments, they can last a while where we feel like, oh my gosh, I don't have people that understand me. So what we want to start doing is looking for, where do my people hang out? Where do I want to hang out in? Being in this is another benefit of being in a group container, healing container, any kind, a group program is because you're connecting with other people who are embodying the work you're embodying. They're doing this work. And because of that, it will make you feel less alone. It will make you feel deeply seen. You don't even have to be in person with people for this to happen, and then thinking about what other things light me up. Like, it could literally be taking a watercolor painting class or a poetry class, if that's something that interests you. Because there's going to be commonality there. And the more that we can lean into that, the more our system sees, ah, this is safe. And that actually snowballs. And then you might meet one person who you think, I think that person might be somebody I want to get to know deeper. But I don't want you to get overwhelmed about this. That's that would have would happen to me. I would just feel like, oh, my gosh, I don't have the relationships I want. But it is all the things I named that allow us, us to build our capacity for connection and closeness, to be seen more and more. And that snowballs into building a beautiful community that is going to surround.