Podcast Summary: You, Me & Mike

Host: Thirteen Media
Episode: Ep. 117: Choose Joy
Date: October 20, 2022

Overview

In the final installment of their marriage series, Jenn and Mike Todryk explore the theme of "choosing joy" in long-term relationships. Known for their candid, humorous, and down-to-earth conversation style, the Todryks discuss the intentionality behind cultivating happiness within marriage and family life. They reflect on personal stories—both mundane and significant—to illustrate how creating joyful moments, even when life gets chaotic, is often an active choice rather than a passive experience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Starting With Real Life: Parenting and Last-Minute School Projects

• Jenn opens with a story about their daughter’s last-minute, high-stakes “pumpkin into a book character” school assignment, which had both parents balancing bedtime routines with the rush of competition.
  • Notable exchange:
    • Jenn: “We have 30 minutes till bedtime. And to make stakes even more stressful, the winner gets money.” (02:20)
    • Mike: “Almost in tears with the schools giving kids money.” (02:41)
• The “pumpkin races” tradition is described: Pumpkin derby meets pinewood derby—a lighthearted, communal event that underscores joy through play (03:07–04:14).

Wrapping the Marriage Series: The Myth of Perpetual Happiness

• Jenn and Mike address listener questions about their seemingly happy marriage, emphasizing that social media snippets don’t reflect the whole picture.
  • Jenn: “You see 15 second now 60 second slides... We're not going to put on when we fight.” (05:10)
  • Mike: “I think you need to be intentional in your activities, to have fun and to bring happiness... because that's what brings us together." (05:48)
• Joy, they reiterate, isn’t constant—it’s something that requires effort and intentionality in daily routines.

The Theme of “Choosing Joy” in Marriage

• Jenn: “Joy is a choice, and you really have to work for joy.” (06:37)
• The couple shares their annual Halloween costume tradition: each picks the other’s costume (with mutual understanding of limits courtesy of “Mutually Assured Destruction” humor), resulting in memorable, silly, and bonding moments.
  • Mike: “It's like the 1980s Cold War where it's Mutually Assured destruction… you don't want to have the other person press it.” (07:49)

Ways to Intentionally Create Joy

• Costume tradition and playful competition
• Attempting, albeit inconsistently, scheduled date nights
• Treating even mundane or silly shared activities as opportunities for joy (like podcasting, or competitive sudoku, as shared by a listener)
• Forming habits of seeking fun together, even if it feels forced at first
  • Jenn: “If you start doing that and making a habit, I think that a lot of people will have a lot of fun from it.” (11:55)

Ordinary Play, Games, and Fun in Marriage

• Mike stresses the importance of “play,” from board games to collaborative (or competitive) activities, to maintain connection and happiness.
  • Mike: “Happiness to me is a moment of experience. And experience comes through play and through laughter and through connection.” (12:24)
• The couple reflect on VR gaming ("Beat Saber" dance nights post-kids’ bedtime) and other games like Rummikub—the latter sparking mock frustration over Jenn’s skill.
  • Jenn: “I forced you to play Rummikub with me... and then you kind of got into it.” (14:25)
  • Mike: “You're so dang good at that game, it's frustrating.” (14:57)

Celebrating Connection Amidst Chaos

• Joy isn’t just planned—it can arise in stressful or unexpected circumstances, like being snowed in during the Texas ice storm, stranded in Colorado with their kids.
  • Mike: “That kind of great and awful trip at the same time was really fun.” (19:04)
  • Jenn: “It was just crazy... Everything was closed there too... So Mike and I went on Zillow and found homes for sale.” (19:52)
• Shared adversity often creates the best stories and deepest bonds.
  • AJR lyric invoked: “100 bad days lead to 100 good stories. 100 good stories make me interesting at parties.” (21:09)

The Value of Intentionality: For Spouse and Children

• “Be intentional” becomes a recurring mantra—making an effort for a partner in the same way you would for your children.
  • Mike: “Be intentional, right?... you also have to be intentional to your spouse. You really do.” (22:14)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jenn: “A lot of times, especially in marriage, joy is a choice, and you really have to work for joy. And I know that sounds messed up, but everyone thinks joy is just... you're always happy and it naturally happens. And that's not the case.” (06:37)
• Mike (on Halloween costumes): “Also, if you get too dirty and too nasty with the other person, there’s always get back the next year…” (07:36)
• Jenn: “You have to create the habit of having joy. And it comes.” (11:55)
• Mike: “Play is so important… happiness to me is a moment of experience.” (12:24)
• Jenn: “I want this... the whole point of finding joy is... joy can be fleeting. And sometimes we have to put ourselves in situations where joy can happen—even if it’s scheduled.” (15:26)

Fun and Light-Hearted Moments

• Costume recaps: "Bob Ross riding a bear," "pickle in a green tutu," "Reno 911 meets Guy Fieri" (08:07–09:47)
• Dad jokes and banter over audio equipment quirks and podcast “faces for radio” (01:08–02:01)
• “Jar of Weird Question” segment (22:28–25:00), including:
  • Head circumference guessing game
  • Where their kids were conceived (Cabo, post-miscarriage, and "natural family planning" mishaps)

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• Story about Berkeley’s school project & pumpkin races: 02:07–04:24
• Transition to episode’s theme—choosing joy in marriage: 05:10–06:37
• Halloween costume tradition: 06:37–09:47
• Games, play, and date nights: 10:53–15:52
• Remembering the snowstorm trip: 18:59–21:32
• Intentionality in family and marriage: 22:00–22:24
• Jar of Weird Question segment (lighthearted Q&A): 22:28–25:51

Conclusion

The episode highlights that joy, especially in long-term relationships and families, is both an intentional act and something that thrives in shared routines, silliness, and even adversity. Jenn and Mike’s candid storytelling, humorous banter, and practical suggestions collectively champion the idea that happiness in marriage doesn’t just happen—you have to choose it, crave it, and sometimes even schedule it.

For more on "what to look for" in relationships, the Todryks recommend listening to Part Two of the episode.