You, Me & Mike – Ep. 118: Choose Wisely

Date: October 20, 2022
Hosts: Jenn Todryk & Mike Todryk
Podcast: You, Me & Mike (Thirteen Media)

Overview

In this episode, Jenn and Mike Todryk wrap up their multi-part marriage series by diving into what it means to “choose wisely” in relationships—whether you're dating, engaged, or already married. They share personal reflections and anecdotes, tackle listener questions about finding the right partner and handling red flags, and offer candid advice about communication, values alignment, and relationship health. As always, they keep things lively and honest, mixing lighthearted banter and depth in equal measure.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Communication Matters (00:51–07:01)

• Jenn emphasizes that healthy communication is the foundation of a good relationship, not just for resolving arguments, but for long-term compatibility.
  • "A healthy communication...needs to be recognized from the very beginning." (00:51)
• Mike adds that understanding is just as crucial:
  • “It's more than just communication, it’s understanding.” (01:15)
• They discuss practical strategies for tough conversations:
  • Give your partner a heads-up about difficult topics.
  • Approach with respect and sincerity, not confrontation.
  • Jenn: “If I say, ‘Mike, I need to tell you something, but I feel like you're gonna get really defensive, so please hear me out…’ It does go better because I'm acknowledging it's a tough topic.” (06:02)
• Both admit ongoing work in how they “fight” and return to communication, even highlighting their own flaws and growth areas for real-life context.

2. Spotting Red Flags & Compatibility Clues (07:13–12:24)

• Mike: If you can’t communicate during dating, that’s a red flag.
  • “If you're fighting and you can't communicate during dating, that's a red flag right there.” (07:32)
• Jenn: If you find yourself scared to bring up issues, “kind of dissect that”—it points to deeper issues in safety and trust.
• They distinguish between presenting problems as “we” versus “you”:
  • Mike: Couples are jointly responsible for fixing relationship issues, although not always equally culpable.
  • Jenn: Sometimes, the issue really is about one partner’s behavior, but both need to be open to feedback.

3. Core Values: Morals, Faith, and Long-Term Vision (12:24–16:59)

• The Todryks stress the importance of shared morals and values:
  • Jenn: “Do your morals line up?...It’s more of just a moral standard. How you view life, how you view good from bad.” (22:03)
• Religion: As Christians, they share how faith influences their marriage, admitting that mismatched religious priorities make things harder but aren’t necessarily dealbreakers.
• They argue that marriage is a daily choice and act of service, not just feelings:
  • Jenn: “Some days marriage is a choice…You are choosing to stay married.” (14:54)
  • Mike: “Love is an action. Love is not a feeling…It is a constant action of movement towards that other person.” (14:32)
• Society’s “do what feels good” narrative clashes with the selfless, service-oriented vision of marriage they endorse.

4. Ignoring Red Flags in Past Relationships (17:09–21:20)

• Mike shares past mistakes, including staying in relationships where red flags (like untreated mental health issues) were present, believing he could “save” the other person.
  • “I absolutely felt that I was going to be the person that was going to put this relationship into stability.” (17:53)
• Both hosts openly reflect on dodged bullets in their dating history and the importance of not ignoring advice from loved ones.
  • Jenn: “If you don’t have a relationship in your mind where you ignored some red flags or you feel like you dodged a bullet, that’s amazing.” (19:56)
• After Mike’s divorce, he became much quicker to leave at the sight of new red flags, stressing the importance of learning from past relationship pain.

5. Practical Advice for Choosing a Spouse (22:03–24:07)

• Run through their “Cliff Notes” for evaluating long-term compatibility:
  • Morals and worldview alignment
  • Faith/religion, and how you’ll raise kids if applicable
  • How you communicate, especially under stress
• Jenn: People don’t change easily—untangling unhealthy patterns after years of marriage is way harder.
• Mike offers a potentially controversial (but heartfelt) piece of advice: Don’t “play house” before marriage.
  • “Don’t pretend you’re married before you’re married. I would recommend people not to live with each other before they get married.” (23:49)
  • Both agree it can “muddy the waters” and obscure important compatibility clues.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mike: “If you can't get along with the person you’re dating and you're unhappy, there’s a giant red flag.” (07:32)
• Jenn: “If you have something you need to talk about…how are they responding? Because that's a really, really good trait.” (04:22)
• Mike: “Love is an action. Love is not a feeling.” (14:32)
• Jenn: "Some days marriage is a choice…and that's a choice a lot of people don't want to make." (14:54)
• Jenn's playful self-awareness: “I know that because I've thought some really bad things—and I didn’t tell you. Just kidding!” (03:30)
• Mike’s “controversial” advice: “Don’t pretend you’re married before you’re married. I would recommend people not to live with each other before they get married.” (23:49)

Lighthearted Q&A & Banter (25:41–31:15)

• The pair get silly answering “jar” questions:
  • Irrational fears: Jenn fears seeing a face outside a night window; Mike fears tiny worms and maggots (25:42–26:51).
  • Bathroom habits: Jenn always leaves the door open, Mike never does (29:34–30:14).
  • Time travel: Jenn would solve the Marilyn Monroe mystery; Mike chooses witnessing the Roswell UFO incident or Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount (27:27–29:13).
• The episode closes with good-natured ribbing about who spends too long in the bathroom (Candy Crush is involved), and a reminder of the importance of fun in a strong relationship.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening & communication in relationships: 00:51–07:01
• Identifying red flags & compatibility in dating/marriage: 07:13–12:24
• Values, morals, faith, and “choosing” marriage: 12:24–16:59
• Ignoring red flags & lessons from past relationships: 17:09–21:20
• “Cliff Notes” on choosing a spouse: 22:03–24:07
• Controversial advice—don’t “play married” pre-marriage: 23:49–24:58
• Q&A game—fears, time travel, bathroom habits: 25:41–31:15
• Closing remarks: 31:15–end

Conclusion

This episode delivers a blend of heartfelt wisdom, practical takeaways, and warm humor, wrapping up the marriage series with both big-picture advice and plenty of laughs. Through real stories, honest admissions, and a bit of silliness, Jenn and Mike Todryk remind listeners that choosing wisely in relationships takes self-awareness, shared values, good communication, and the willingness to “choose each other” every day.