Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | E329

Summary

Podcast Summary: Young and Profiting (YAP) with Hala Taha
Episode Title: Mel Robbins: The Let Them Theory, Build a Business and Life on Your Terms | E329
Release Date: January 13, 2025

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Introduction

In Episode 329 of Young and Profiting (YAP), host Hala Taha sits down with renowned author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins to delve into Mel's groundbreaking concepts—most notably, the Let Them Theory. This episode offers a masterclass in personal development and entrepreneurial growth, blending Mel's personal experiences with actionable strategies that listeners can implement to transform their lives and businesses.

Mel Robbins’ Journey: From Public Defender to Bestselling Author

Mel Robbins begins by sharing her unconventional career trajectory. She graduated from Dartmouth College and Boston College Law School, initially working as a public defender for the Legal Aid Society in New York City. This role exposed her to the harsh realities faced by individuals who couldn't afford legal representation, teaching her the importance of dignity and respect for every human being, regardless of their circumstances.

Notable Quote:
"Everything that has happened to me is divinely ordered for a reason."
— Mel Robbins [03:05]

Mel’s defining moment came during her first TED Talk in 2011. Under immense personal and financial pressure, she inadvertently introduced the Five-Second Rule—a concept that would later become the foundation of her bestselling book. Despite a shaky start, this moment marked the beginning of her extraordinary influence on millions worldwide.

The Five-Second Rule: Igniting Action

The Five-Second Rule is a simple yet powerful tool that encourages individuals to act on their instincts within five seconds to overcome hesitation and self-doubt. Mel emphasizes that the rule is not about waiting for motivation but about taking immediate action to break the inertia that holds people back.

Notable Quote:
"The moment you have an instinct to move, you have to move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill your motivation to act."
— Mel Robbins [02:45]

Mel attributes much of her success to consistently applying this rule, especially during challenging times when motivation was scarce. This practice not only propelled her personal growth but also inspired her audience to take actionable steps toward their goals.

Introducing the Let Them Theory: Mastering Control

Transitioning from internal motivation, Mel introduces the Let Them Theory, a mindset tool designed to help individuals manage their external environments, particularly their relationships with others. This theory focuses on distinguishing what is within one's control and what is not, thereby reducing unnecessary stress and frustration.

Key Components of the Let Them Theory:

1. Let Them:

   • Detach from Uncontrollable Situations: Recognize and accept that certain aspects, especially other people's actions and opinions, are beyond your control.
   • Release the Need for Control: Understand that attempting to control others only leads to increased frustration and wasted energy.

   Notable Quote:
   "There is one thing in life you can never control. It's other people."
   — Mel Robbins [03:05]

2. Let Me:

   • Take Back Control of Yourself: Focus on what you can control—your thoughts, actions, and emotional responses.
   • Maintain Your Peace: By letting go of external control, you empower yourself to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

   Notable Quote:
   "Let me remind myself that my social media is for me. My social media is for my business. My social media is my self-expression."
   — Mel Robbins [57:49]

Practical Applications of the Let Them Theory

Mel provides numerous real-life scenarios where the Let Them Theory can be effectively applied:

• Handling Annoying Situations:
  Whether stuck in traffic or dealing with difficult people, saying "let them" helps detach from the frustration, while "let me" focuses on maintaining composure and choosing a constructive response.

  Example:
  "We were in an elevator that got stuck, and I kept saying, let them. Let them take their time figuring it out, and let me stay calm."
  — Mel Robbins [52:20]

• Managing Business Relationships:
  In leadership roles, understanding what you can and cannot control about your team members fosters a healthier work environment. Instead of micromanaging, leaders can set clear expectations and allow team members the autonomy to meet them.

  Notable Quote:
  "If you have a failing employee, it is usually because you have broken process or unclear communication and expectations."
  — Mel Robbins [65:21]

• Social Media Engagement:
  Instead of obsessing over likes and comments, focus on authentic self-expression and strategic business goals.

  Notable Quote:
  "My social media is for me. My social media is for my business. My social media is my self-expression. It’s not for my family or my friends."
  — Mel Robbins [57:53]

Overcoming Control Instincts: A Survival Necessity

Mel acknowledges that the urge to control stems from a fundamental survival instinct. However, she argues that in the modern entrepreneurial landscape, excessive control can be detrimental. By applying the Let Them Theory, individuals can navigate their professional and personal lives more effectively, focusing on what truly matters and letting go of what doesn't.

Notable Quote:
"Success is in limitless supply. Happiness, friendship, all of these things, money, Lamborghinis—they're in limitless supply. No other human being is blocking your way."
— Mel Robbins [42:15]

Building a Supportive Network: Collaborate, Don’t Compete

A significant takeaway from the conversation is the importance of collaboration over competition. Mel encourages building relationships with peers who understand and support your goals. This mindset shift from seeing others as competitors to viewing them as allies can accelerate personal and professional growth.

Notable Quote:
"There are times where people overestimate their qualifications and then they get in a seat and they don't have the skills. Let them."
— Mel Robbins [66:22]

Leadership and Accountability: Creating Environments for Success

Mel emphasizes that effective leadership involves taking responsibility for creating an environment where team members can thrive. This includes setting clear expectations, providing necessary resources, and offering constructive feedback. Leaders must focus on empowering their teams rather than controlling every aspect of their work.

Notable Quote:
"I have to ensure that the people I’m leading have the tools and the skills that they need to succeed."
— Mel Robbins [66:42]

Conclusion: Empowerment Through Letting Go and Taking Control

The episode culminates with actionable advice for listeners:

1. Let Them:
   Detach from situations and people beyond your control to conserve your energy and reduce stress.

2. Let Me:
   Focus on your actions, thoughts, and emotional responses to maintain control over your life and decisions.

Mel Robbins reinforces that embracing these two simple steps can lead to profound changes in both personal and professional spheres. By letting go of the uncontrollable and taking charge of what you can influence, you pave the way for a more fulfilling and profitable life.

Final Takeaways:

• Action Over Inaction:
  Utilize the Five-Second Rule to overcome hesitation and take immediate steps toward your goals.

• Mindset Matters:
  Adopt the Let Them Theory to manage external stressors and focus on internal growth.

• Collaborate for Success:
  Build a network of supportive peers instead of viewing others as competitors.

• Lead with Responsibility:
  Create environments that empower team members and foster their success.

Notable Closing Quotes:
"Let them. Let them. Because all that time and energy you're giving to other people, as soon as you say let them, and then you say let me, you actually take that power back and start to protect your time and energy."
— Mel Robbins [73:41]

"It's way more important to say no, because every time you say no, you're actually saying yes to what matters."
— Mel Robbins [74:11]

Final Thoughts

This episode of YAP with Hala Taha offers listeners invaluable insights into mastering both internal motivation and external relationship management. Mel Robbins' honest and relatable storytelling, combined with her practical strategies, provides a roadmap for anyone looking to build a business and life on their own terms. By applying the principles of the Five-Second Rule and the Let Them Theory, listeners are empowered to take control of their destinies, fostering both personal fulfillment and entrepreneurial success.

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Connect with Mel Robbins:

• Book: The Let Them Theory
• Podcast: Mel Robbins Podcast
• Social Media: MelRobbins.com

Subscribe to YAP:
Stay updated with the latest episodes of Young and Profiting on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.

Transcript

[Hala Taha]

Today's episode is sponsored in part by Airbnb. OpenPhone, Shopify, Rocket Money, and indeed Hosting on Airbnb has never been easier With Airbnb's new co host network. Find yourself a co [e-mail] host OpenPhone is the number one business phone system. Build stronger customer relationships and respond faster with shared numbers, AI and automations. Get 20% off your first six months when you go to openphone.com Profiting Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you grow your business. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com Profiting Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills. Sign up for free at RocketMoney.com Profiting attract, interview and hire all in one place with Indeed get a $75 sponsored job credit at Indeed.com Profiting terms and conditions apply. As always, you can find all of our incredible deals in the show notes [e-mail] Deals Yap Gang 2025 is a year of change for me. I'm single and there's nothing tying me down to Jersey anymore, and so I'm looking to set up residence in Texas or Florida, and I've gotta stay there at least six months and one day so that I can save on taxes and switch up my dating pool. Now it's a toss up between Miami and Austin. I'm super familiar with Miami, but I haven't really explored Austin much, and with so many entrepreneurs raving about it, I've at least got to test it out. So I rented a beautiful home on Airbnb with my business partner this winter so that we could try out Austin and see if it's the right fit for us. Now I don't really know what I'm going to do in terms of the city I'm living in next year for most of the year, but I do know what I'm going to do with my pad when I'm not in it, and that's hosting on Airbnb.

[Mel Robbins]

Of course.

[Hala Taha]

The thing is, when it comes to hosting my place on Airbnb, I don't want to worry about the hosting part. I'm so busy with my company and my podcast and now dating is also a full time job. But now with Airbnb's new co host network, I won't have to worry about it. That's right, hosting on Airbnb just got a whole lot easier with Airbnb's co host network. You can hire a high quality local co host to take care of your home and guests vetted on Airbnb. Co hosts have knowledge in the hosting space and can help get your investment properties set up for you. Imagine having somebody who can handle reservations, guest communication and on site support so that you can handle other things. Now, while I'm busy finding myself a cowboy, you can go find yourself a co [e-mail] host the moment you have.

[Unknown Guest]

An instinct to move, you have to move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill your motivation to act.

[Mel Robbins]

When you had the five second rule come out, it was such a big hit and it actually was a huge inspiration for me to start my podcast in 2018.

[Unknown Guest]

My secret to success is very simple. I get out of fucking bed when I don't feel like it.

[Mel Robbins]

Of story and there's no timeline. Right. You started your first book 49 54. Starting your production company 50 years old. Starting your podcast.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes. You're never going to get what you want if you don't begin. And if you don't know what you want, here's how you figure that out. There's one thing in life you can never control. It's other people. The Let Them theory is the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered. It is a simple mindset tool that shows you immediately what is in your control and what is not in your control. And and here's how you use it. There's two steps. That's step one and then the second.

[Mel Robbins]

Step is so Let Them is all about releasing control.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Why are we so hardwired for control to begin with?

[Unknown Guest]

Because if you're in control, then you feel safe. But the problem is.

[Hala Taha]

Yap gang, we've got a special treat for you in store today. I recently had the chance to do a special live in person interview with none other than Mel Robbins. Mel is somebody who I've looked up to for most of my career and she's not only a New York Times bestselling author, but she's also the host of the super popular Mel Robbins podcast. Her brand new book, the Let Them Theory, offers a groundbreaking approach to reclaiming your life from the burdens of others expectations. In this conversation, we're going to uncover some of the pivotal moments that shaped Mel's career. Now this is the first time that Mel is appearing on the podcast, so I really wanted to spend some time on the lessons that she's learned along the way of her incredible success. We're also going to hear some of her innovative strategies for overcoming adversity and unlocking our true power. So Mel has focused the last decade of her career helping millions of people with their internal struggles and self improvement. And now she's moving on to helping us deal with our external environments, namely our relationships with her powerful Let Them theory. We're going to be focusing on the Let Them theory in the last half of this conversation and it is so transformative. I can't wait for you guys to hear all about it. If you want to see this interview live, in person, on video, go hop over to my YouTube channel right now. It's called Young and Profiting. If not, enjoy my conversation with the legendary Mel Robbins.

[Mel Robbins]

Welcome to Young and Profiting Podcast, Mel.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, thank you for inviting me and thank you. I'm so excited to talk to you.

[Mel Robbins]

I'm so excited. I've been following your work for such a long time. I actually first found out about you in 2017 when you had the five second rule come out. It was such a big hit and like millions of people, I was listening to it on repeat that entire year and it actually was a huge inspiration for me to start my podcast in 2018.

[Unknown Guest]

Wow.

[Mel Robbins]

So you have personally really impacted me and I just want to say thank you for everything you've put out in the world, for being so relatable down to earth and just sharing what's moved for yourself in your own life to help other people.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, I really appreciate you acknowledging the difference that the five second roll and that countdown technique, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, move. How it helped you. But I want to say back to you, you have to keep the credit because you did the work. No, I'm serious. It is easy to talk about motivation. It's easy to give people advice. It's easy to tell the person who's spending time with us together today, our stories and the things that worked for us. But knowledge is cheap and it's free. And if you don't know how to achieve your goals, go to Google, type in how do I do this? And AI will spit it out and then say, what does a day in the life of somebody who's launching this and successfully in five weeks look like? There's your map. But that's the easy part. The hard part is making yourself do it, particularly on the days when you don't feel like it. And so I want to acknowledge you for the fact that you both grab the knowledge and then you put it into action. And that's what makes you different. That is what explains my success. You are listening to this right now and spending time with us because you actually want to achieve big goals. So I know that about the person that is listening and choosing to spend time listening to this, But I'm gonna tell you something. This conversation that you're about to listen to means shit if you don't actually convert it to action.

[Mel Robbins]

Yep.

[Unknown Guest]

And that's what we're gonna talk about. Tools. But then it's gonna be to you to take the baton and go.

[Mel Robbins]

And speaking of that, I was really surprised to find out that when you were first starting out, you did this TED Talk, and you didn't even know it was a TED Talk. TED Talk didn't really even exist at that point. It was the starting point of TED Talk. You. You got convinced to do your first speaking event ever, and you thought you blew it.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, my gosh, yes. So just to put a little backstep on this, this would have been 2011. So I'm basically your grandmother now. If you think of this being however many years ago, over a decade ago, Ted was not a thing. Ted was some secret thing that fancy people went to in Seattle. They weren't even online. And so I get asked by a friend if I would give a speech about career change. And she said, look, a friend of mine is putting on some event in San Francisco, and they're looking for somebody to talk about career change. Mel. And I immediately thought about you. And look, I don't think that's a compliment if I'm the first person that you think of, because it means I've bounced from one career to another, which I had. And she said, here's the catch. They're offering you two plane tickets and two nights at the St. Regis. And at the time, my husband and I were $800,000 in debt because his pizza restaurant was failing. And like complete idiots, we had secured it with our life savings, our house, our credit cards, everything. And so when you're that in debt, do you know what two tickets and two nights in a hotel sounds like? That sounds like a free vacation.

[Mel Robbins]

Yep.

[Unknown Guest]

So I said yes. And the only time I had ever given a speech was in class in high school during a public speaking course. So I said yes so fast, I wasn't even imagining a huge auditorium and that I would have to get up in front of, I don't know, 500 people and talk. And when I stepped on that stage. They do not prepare you, or at least they didn't back then the way they probably do now. It was sort of like, here you Go. Here's your topic. Go. And if you watch my TED Talk, which now has, I don't know, 33 million views, you will notice a minute into that thing that I have one of those neck rashes that people get when they've had too much to drink. And they're like, really blotchy because I was having a complete panic attack. I'm darting around the stage, I'm talking all over the place, and near the end of the speech, I forgot how to end it. And that was one of the defining moments of my life. And there's a theme about defining moments in my life. I don't know what your defining moments are like, but mine usually involve embarrassment, too much alcohol, bankruptcy, desperation, panic attack. And in that moment when I froze, I couldn't remember what to say. And so I all of a sudden blurted out this thing, the five second rule, which you know, which you follow, which I'm sure the person listening knows this little motivation hack. And I'd never shared it with anybody. And I couldn't think what else to say. And I just went, oh, there's this thing I do. I call it the five second rule. The moment you have an instinct to move, you have to move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill your motivation to act. I walked off that stage and I thought that was it. And that was not it. That was the beginning of something extraordinary.

[Mel Robbins]

And so your email was flooded. People were using the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 to get up, do what they need to do.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

You did not share this fully with the world for three years.

[Unknown Guest]

Correct.

[Mel Robbins]

You felt like you weren't ready to give advice. Who would want to listen to you? You felt like you didn't really know the science behind it. So how did you build up the confidence to then put it out to the world and put in the wraps?

[Unknown Guest]

Quite frankly, it's a great question. And as you're listening to this conversation, whether you're in a car or you're at the gym or you're watching us on YouTube, there is something that you want to do in life. Whether it's launching a business or becoming an influencer, or monetizing social or building a YouTube following or publishing books, or maybe it's starting your own podcast. I don't know what that thing is. Maybe you want to become a touring musician, maybe you want to start a fashion line. There is something in your heart. Maybe you want a Lambo. I don't know. It's your goals, whatever it is that you want, I'm here To tell you that you do not need anybody's permission and you do not need to have it all figured out. In fact, you're never going to have it all figured out. And every single day that you talk yourself out of beginning or taking one step forward is a day that you're keeping yourself locked in a prison of your own making. Because if you know something that you want, how dare you withhold it from yourself? How dare you talk yourself out of it? How dare you sit there and spend more time and energy manufacturing excuses and worrying about what other people think. You get one life and no one is coming to save you. No one is coming to do the work for you. Nobody is going to pick you from obscurity and make you a star. Nobody is going to build the business that you want to build. And while you're sitting there drinking with your buddies, bitching about your current job, or you are sitting there telling yourself, I don't know what to do, your whole life is waiting for you. There's literally a door right in front of you that is waiting for you to reach out and fricking turn the knob and open it. And I'm going to tell you something. My secret to success is very simple. I get out of fucking bed when I don't feel like it. End of story. And if the five second rule taught me anything, it's this. You will never feel ready to do the work. You will never feel like you are capable of achieving what you want. You will never, ever, ever feel like it's your right to say this. And so you have to learn the skill of doing the actions that are aligned with your values, your character and your dreams when you don't feel like it. And that's a skill. And every one of us sits around. I used to sit around and wait to be motivated. Motivation is complete and utter garbage because it's never there when you need it. And I even hate all this bullshit out there now about discipline and willpower, Forget it. You can actually feel lazy and exhausted and unmotivated and you can still do it. And sitting around waiting for the feeling to strike you, that is a recipe that will lead you to your deathbed. And you'll be one of those people that they study that say, oh man, my biggest regret is I didn't let myself be myself. I never went for the things that I wanted to do. I was so worried about what my dad thought or my mom thought or my friends thought that I never started. And if you don't start now because you say you're not ready, or you're not qualified or whatever, then the next excuse is gonna be, well, I should have started then, and now I'm too late. And then the next excuse is gonna be, well, I'm too old, or I have kids or I have a mortgage, or I have this or I have that, or I have people that depend upon me, or I've been in this job for 10 years. And so it's all bullshit. It's all something you manufactured in your own head. And I get fired up about it because it's sad. You don't have to be like this. You don't have to live your life like this. You do not have to let your mother's opinion dictate what you do.

[Mel Robbins]

I love what you did because I feel like your book wouldn't have been as big as a success, the five second rule, had you just put it out right away. You took the steps to do what you needed to be ready to do that. You did free speaking gigs, you spoke all over the world, you became the number one female speaker. You researched, you got the science and you built up the confidence so that once you actually put out the book, the world was ready to receive it.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, I think there's also something else that happened when everything started to build for me. And again, this goes to the point where the first skill is starting. Because you're never going to get what you want if you don't begin. So you have to actually commit to starting. And there's a very simple way you do it. You just get clear about what you want. And if you don't know what you want, here's how you figure that out. Just say, I don't want what I have. Literally, if you don't know what direction to point, just know, well, where I am is not it. So I need to take a look at where I am and the way that I go through my day, and I need to reverse it or do the opposite or make a change, because that's gonna pivot you in a different direction. And I truly believe that you're one decision away from a completely different life. That doesn't mean you achieve the success that you want with one decision. It means that with one decision. And for me, that decision was getting out of bed when I didn't feel like it, getting out of bed when I was $800,000 in debt, getting out of bed and going for a run even though I didn't feel like it and it was snowing and it's not gonna Make a dent in the debt and the fear that I have. But it's gonna make me know that no matter what's going on around me, I can 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Still do something that reminds me that I'm still in control in small ways. And so, for me, when the TED Talk took off, I didn't write a business plan. I didn't. I just started having people say, hey, Mel, will you come speak? And then when I figured out that everybody else was getting paid, first of all, I felt like the world's biggest flipping idiot. And for those of you that are obsessed with influencer culture and affiliate marketing and all this stuff, I guarantee you, you waste probably 10 hours a week just looking at other people who have built what you want to build. And that is also a recipe for disaster, because you will start to convince yourself that they already took it, that you can't do it, and you're looking at it wrong. There is a formula to everything. And so here I am at this point in my life where I need money. I still need to pay my bills and pay off my debt. People are starting to ask me to speak. I'm realizing everybody else at every one of these conferences that I'm going to, and I'm off in the little side room, you know, doing my thing. Everybody else is getting paid. And so there's always a formula. And it's your inability to wipe away the excuses and stop comparing yourself and stop talking yourself out of it that keeps you from realizing there's a simple formula for everything. In fact, you are so generous because you put out content that provides a roadmap. You tell the stories from your own career and building your business, and in those stories are takeaways. You are literally selling advertising and monetizing brand partnerships for podcasts that the person that's listening to this right now listens to, and you share how you do it all the time. And so, again, case in point, the problem isn't, I don't know how to do that. Yes, you do. Because there's people like you that put out content that actually teach people how to do it. And that's a gift. And how sad is it that you know and you see the steps? This was me, by the way. This is why I get so fired up about it. Because every day, just like I see, you probably see people like the person who's listening to us right now, who has in their heart what they want, and they are actively working against themselves. And there's not a single person on the planet that can take anything from you. Nobody can block your path to success. Only you can do that.

[Hala Taha]

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[Mel Robbins]

What's up?

[Hala Taha]

Yeah, fam. I travel so much for my job these days and on top of that, I've been spending more time in Miami. In fact, I'll be down there keeping myself warm most of the winter. I love to travel, but at the same time, I feel like my glamorous Jersey City apartment with its pink velvet couch and skyline view of the city, it's just going to waste. But what if it didn't have to? A lot of people don't realize that they might have an Airbnb of their own right under their noses. You can host your whole place or spare room when you're out of town. So many of my successful friends host and it's such an amazing way to generate passive income. Now you can also hire a co host to make the job easier than ever, especially if you're going to be away for an extended period of time. Vetted by Airbnb, co hosts have experience in the hosting space and can help with your bookings, manage reservations, provide on site support and more for your investment properties. So if you are escaping to the warm weather this winter like me, find yourself a co [e-mail] host yeah fam when I first started this podcast, my amazing volunteer team helped me out. But as my business grew, we needed to hire real talent with real experience and it became overwhelming because I'd had to sort through piles and piles of resumes and interviews. And then I discovered the easy way to hire quickly and that's Indeed. Indeed is your go to matching and hiring platform where you can find, vet and lock in the best talent all in one place. Stop bouncing around between different job sites and let Indeed's matching engine help you build your dream team. I'm glad I found Indeed when I did, because hiring now is a breeze. In fact, in the minute I've been talking, 23 hires were made, according to Indeed data worldwide. A recent survey found that 93% of employers agree Indeed delivers the highest quality matches compared to other job sites. Indeed's engine learns every day from over 140 million qualifications and preferences and the more you use it, the better it gets. Join the 3 million businesses worldwide that use Indeed to hire a Players and listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility at indeed.comprofiting just go now to indeed.comprofiting support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com profiting terms and conditions apply. Need to hire you need Indeed.

[Mel Robbins]

You started your Ted talk 41 first book, 4954 starting your production company 50 years old, starting your podcast right? There's no timeline and something that I always talk about on the show is skill stacking. I've seen it with my own career and I feel like the best entrepreneurs. They got a lot of experiences, they did a lot of jobs, they figured out what they're good at, what they hate, what they like, and then they design their dream career and job. I feel like that's what I did with myself. I literally designed the perfect job for me that I'm so good at and I Feel like you've done the same. I was binging your podcast recently.

[Hala Taha]

They're just so good.

[Mel Robbins]

When I learned.

[Unknown Guest]

What did you learn?

[Mel Robbins]

I learned about the let them theory. That's what I was, like, mostly focused on. But what I really learned is that you are so focused, friendly, and that you really try to be relatable and down to earth and you make everybody feel really loved. And you've got this friend approach to what you do on the podcast. So I want to ask you about that.

[Unknown Guest]

Sure.

[Mel Robbins]

But first I want to ask you about your experiences that you feel like led you to have this amazing career, to be a number one podcaster and author and speaker. What are the experiences that led up to that that people don't realize?

[Unknown Guest]

Everything. Absolutely everything. Life is the greatest teacher, if you're willing to look at life like one giant lesson. And I choose to believe that absolutely everything that has happened to me is divinely ordered for a reason. Absolutely everything. See, I don't learn what I need to learn when I'm successful and I'm soaring and I'm at the top. I learn for whatever reasons, when I'm at the bottom of the barrel or when I am in a hole or when I am struggling or when things are really hard. I feel like courage and strength and that secret sauce that makes you successful and makes you who you are. Those are the things that happen in the hardest moments of your life. And they also happen in the smallest, quietest moments, if you're paying attention. And I'm gonna share some examples for this because first things first, as you're spending time with us together today, I want you to think about the fact that if you stand in the present moment and you look backwards, you can see how absolutely every single thing that has happened to you, good or bad, scary or beautiful, terrorizing or fantastic, every single thing has led you to this moment. And that you are never starting from scratch. You are always starting from experience, because life has tested you, life has taught you, life has prepared you for this exact moment. And I also choose to believe. And this is part of what I believe is my amazing success, is that I choose to believe as I stand in this moment, that just like everything in the past has prepared me for where I am now, that this moment is preparing me for where I am going next. And I don't need to know when in the future I'm going to look up and go, oh, my God. It was that particular day in Manhattan, sitting down with you, that I learned X. And that has equipped me for this moment now. And so some of the things that have informed the way that I think about media, the way that I think about my business, because I'm kind of old school, I really think that my business is about one person. It's about the one person that has hit play and that is taking time to listen to this conversation. And just like when I take a walk with a friend, that my intention is to know that whoever it is that is listening, yes, you right now, as you're driving your car, as you're at the gym, that you are the person I'm talking to, because I am. And I also know that everything that I'm about to share with you is relevant for somebody that you care about. And so whether you get a tremendous amount out of this or you just feel a little bit better, you know, somebody that is going to get something out of this, which means you can use this conversation to strengthen a relationship with somebody. And so I have always approached everything that I do with this sort of how can I help? And one person. And there's small moments in my life that really inform me. And I'm gonna share this story because like, there's this obsession with virality and monetization and all of this stuff in business, which is important. And another thing that has really helped me is I 1000% believe in full ownership of everything that I do. And so I control everything because I believe in what I do. So why on earth would I give somebody else a meaningful stake when I'm the one doing all the work, when I'm the one that created the five second rule and created the let them theory? And so why would I not keep control of these things? And why would I trust someone else's authority more than my own to be able to market these things? Because I also understand digital media, which, unlike a printed book, digital media is gonna live forever. Everything that you do on social media or on your YouTube channel or all of it is something you can monetize forever. So just like Bruce Springsteen doesn't want to give his catalog of music away, he's gonna sell it and have a library that he owns the rights of. I think about things that I invest my time in now as what do I actually own? Because that is an asset versus a piece of content that you're singularly monetizing. And so for me, when I look back on my life, there are defining moments and there are surprising moments. And I'm going to take you on a quick highlight tour because those defining moments actually explain why I am one of the most intentional people you will ever meet. And I weave it through every. Everything I do in business. So when I was a public defender, my first job, 1994, I graduate from Dartmouth College, then I go to Boston College Law School. My first job was as a public defender for the Legal Aid Society. I represented people here in New York City that had been arrested and accused of crimes, and they could not afford an attorney. And I would meet them after they had been arrested and thrown into a jail cell and then transported to 100 Center street, where they would be held in a cage behind a judge, and they would be brought into court to be read the charges against them, to be read their constitutional rights, and to be assigned an attorney and to get a constitutionally mandated bail hearing. And I would meet my clients because these are people who could not afford representation. They were assigned by the state because you have a constitutional right to be represented in a court of law by a licensed attorney. And I would walk back behind the judge, and I would meet my client for the very first time in that setting. They were behind bars, and I had a little folder that had the complaint from the police. And if they had ever been in trouble before, I had a history of that. If they hadn't, there wouldn't be that, and that was it. And so that experience taught me a number of things. First of all, it taught me that no matter the circumstances under which you meet somebody, that I choose to believe in the innate worthiness of human beings. I do. I choose to treat people with dignity, and I choose to see bigger possibilities for everybody, no matter what circumstances I may meet you in. And one of the things that hit me in my heart is that when we would go out and it was time for my client that I was representing to be charged, formally charged, part of that arraignment hearing is a bail hearing. And one of the things that the courts consider is obviously the charges against you and the severity of them. Your history, some of your life story, but the big one is also ties to the community. I cannot tell you how many times we would walk out into that courtroom in 1994, 95 and 96, and nobody would be there. No one. Over and over and over again. And it just killed me that in one of the scariest times in a person's life, no one was there. And I have never, ever, ever forgot what that felt like. And I have made it a mission, my mission, to show up for people, whether that means that I'm leaving a public bathroom and I take A moment and thank the human being that is cleaning the public bathroom. Because that's a job where you feel invisible. Or it is truly apologizing and thanking people for their patience when I'm late. And so that has informed me about how I wanna treat people and how I want people to experience me. That I'm the kind of person that actually cares and that sees something bigger for you, no matter where you are, no matter what you've done, no matter what circumstances you face. I believe in the extraordinary possibilities that you have. Because I understand something. I understand that your past is not your fault. I understand that if you aren't doing well, it's not a matter of willpower, it's a matter of skill building. And I also believe that absolutely everybody, if you focus on your mindset, if you focus on your actions, if you focus on how you process your emotions, that absolutely anybody can do better and be better and feel better. And the other thing that that experience taught me is just that it's the simplest things that people remember. And this is a marketing message. Okay. The more complicated you make things, the less likely anybody is going to do it. The more intellectual you are. You know what you're communicating when you're intellectual? That I think I'm smarter than you.

[Hala Taha]

Yeah. Superiority.

[Mel Robbins]

Yep.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes. Right. And so I'm obsessed with making things simple. And so these are core values about really showing up in a way that people feel seen. That people know that you believe in them, that people know that you respect their time. That people know that I see the possibility in you, because I do see it. This isn't just some bullshit that I say. I actually believe it. The other thing that really struck me is another moment. So there was this whole thing that happened when I started speaking that when I first started speaking, I thought, okay, if you're in the speaking business and somebody is paying you a ridiculous amount of money to stand on a stage, you better be dressed nicely. And so even though it was like at a time, and so I'm talking probably like 2015, 2014, something like that, I start getting paid. And I'll never forget this. I was at the MGM in Vegas and I was speaking for ReMax and there were like 8,000 people in the audience. And it was one of the biggest speeches that I was ever going to give at the time, of course. And so I, at the time, was dressing like a news anchor so I would wear heels. You look beautiful today. Normally I look not so pulled together, but so I would look great on a stage. So I'm in heels, which I never wear, so I can't walk in them very well. And I'm wearing a dress. And what happened is I have terrible adhd And I get to Vegas and it turns out when I open up my suitcase at 7:30 in the morning, I have left my high heels in a hotel room in Miami. And what I have in my suitcase are Birkenstocks.

[Mel Robbins]

Oh no.

[Unknown Guest]

And these sparkly high tops. That's it. And I have tech check in 20 minutes. Most people would have stress diarrhea and then just derail the situation. And I'm like, fuck it. Okay, I guess we're going with the high tops. Cause I'm not wearing Birkenstocks on this stage. And remember how I said that your life is always teaching you and it's either in the struggles or it's in these quiet little moments. So I get backstage and when you're backstage speaking at a big event, it's very dark and there's like a whole city behind the stage of people in production and everybody's dressed in all black and there's equipment everywhere and tables everywhere and cables everywhere. And then there's all this tenting that is the back of the stage. And you're kind of walking around and it's hard to see. And normally, especially if it's like 8 o'clock in the morning in Vegas, for crying out loud. And you're speaking at a massive corporate conference for ReMax, the client was. And I was going to give a speech about the five second rule. Everyone's tired. So I walk back there and they're micing me up for the tech check that we're going to do before 8,000 people come into the MGM. And one of the older guys dressed in all black, he's got a graying beard, he turns and he's like, cool kicks. And it was the first time that anyone backstage, even though I was super nice and friendly and not dramatic at all and not high maintenance, it was the first time anybody had ever commented like that. And that was this small moment that I was like, take note. And so then I go up on stage and as I walked on stage, I felt different. And that was a small moment that was like, take note. And normally if you're a woman who's presenting, most people, whether it's male, female, they, everybody. When a woman walks on stage, if you're too pretty, if your heels are too high, most people kind of cross their arms and are like, this bitch thinks she looks better than the rest of us. And there's a distance that happens because you're focused on what you look like and you're focused on presenting yourself in a way that is projecting something. Well, God, when I walked on stage in these stupid high tops that are all sparkly and this dress that didn't match and my dumb glasses, people were like, what is this like? And so there was an open arm thing. And so typically it would take me like five to 10 minutes and a couple laughs to get to that point in a speech that I call, I'd have a cup of coffee with her moment, which is now somebody's listening and enjoying instead of judging. Take note. And from that moment on, couple things. Number one, in any industry that you're in, being able to be excellent at the thing is the minimum requirement. The minimum requirement. You shouldn't be on a stage if you're not excellent. You shouldn't be charging people if you're not excellent. You need to take pride in your performance, which means you need to practice. This is my opinion. I'm going to let you do whatever you want. But really, don't hang your hat on the fact that you're fantastic at the thing they're paying you to do. You want to be exceptional? Be fucking fantastic at the things no one pays you to do. What made me an extraordinary force on the corporate circuit and what has earned me extraordinary amounts of money is, yes, there is, in my opinion, almost no one better. I don't know of anyone better on stage, and I'm sure there's extraordinary people out there. But I will claim that for myself, for sure. Category of 1 of 1 when it comes to what I do. But I know for sure there's no one better when it comes to what I do offstage. Because I learned very quickly that it's the little things that you do that make people feel taken care of, that then make people want to work with you, that make people want to hire you. And I'll give you a simple example. When I was doing 115 speeches a year, Starbucks, JP Morgan, Microsoft, like, on and on and on and on, from one event to the other event to this event to that event. 30,000 people, 100 people with a CEO retreat, this one. Every time I landed in a new city, I would always text the event planner, not the CEO, not the person that hired me. I would text the event planner a fun selfie of me getting off the plane. I'm here. Thank you. Excited to see you. And you know what that did that immediately made the person who is responsible for tracking me and who is responsible for managing a million things love me, because I just took one thing off their list and made their job easy. And when you do that, guess what people do? They hire you again. They recommend you. And people are obsessed with the people up here. When you need to be amazing with the people that serve the people up here, because those are the folks that have the power. Those are the ones that get everything done. And it is the exact same principle if you want to grow a social media audience. It's responding to comments. It's actually tracking your name or your brand and going to their account and responding. That is the exact same thing that I was doing in person in the speaking business. And so those are examples of how there are little things that I'm obsessive about. Like, everybody in my company on a production day actually wears name tags. Because I used to host a daytime talk show. I've been at a bazillion events. It's impossible to remember people's names.

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And so when you walk into 143 Studios in downtown Boston, you're gonna walk into 25 people. We're gonna stand up and welcome you together. Everybody has a name tag. Why? Because I want you to feel at ease. I want you to feel comfortable. I want the people that work for me to feel seen and recognized. When you're done with the podcast and we walk out, you get a standing ovation because we're grateful that you're here. And so every tiny little thing I do is with intention on making a particular type of impact. And so there are stages to this. I mean, first, you gotta get started. Second, you gotta learn how to just keep going. Because the other thing that is a skill is stamina. I believe that success is as much about not quitting as anything else.

[Mel Robbins]

Totally.

[Unknown Guest]

As anything else. And it may surprise you to learn that with this book, the Let Them Theory. This is truly the first time that I've had a major moment in terms of the normal press cycle. I have a lot of friends because I'm in mastermind groups. And you actually represent and sell ads and do brand partnerships for a lot of my friends. And that's another thing I'm gonna tell you that has been a secret to success. And it's that the very people you're competing against should be your closest friends.

[Hala Taha]

It's so true.

[Unknown Guest]

Why do you believe that's true?

[Mel Robbins]

Because I feel like when you reach higher levels, people aren't actually that competitive. They're more collaborative. They want to help you, and you guys can help each other. And so I felt like working closely with the people that are my competitors is the quickest way to just get ahead that.

[Unknown Guest]

And I think it's true at any level. We're just so insecure when we're getting started that we don't think we have anything to offer. And the truth is, your family has no idea what you're doing. Your friends don't understand what you're doing, and the people that you think you're competing with are the only people on the planet that get it. And so the very people that you're distancing yourselves from shoulder should be your closest allies, because otherwise you are going to feel alone because your family's not in this business, so they don't understand the stress. Your friends don't share the same aspirations, so they don't know what you're going through. But the people at your same level, this is your squad because they get it. And honestly, that's why I'm so excited about the let them theory and the things that I'm talking about now. Because for far too long, for far too long, I would look at people that I admired, like Jay Shetty and Lewis Howes and Jenna Kutcher and Amy Porterfield and Trent Shelton, and I would go, oh, oh, well, they've already done a podcast. I guess I can't do one. Or they're super successful, they're in competition with me. And what I have learned too late. I'm so happy I understand this and I'm thrilled for you as you're listening to us, to really embrace what I'm about to tell you. Success is in limitless supply. Happiness, friendship, all of these things, Money, Lamborghinis, they're in limitless supply. No other human being is blocking your way. In fact, they're leading the way. And if you have a insecure and jealous and competitive and comparison attitude, you will turn other people into the biggest excuse for why you can't do what you need to do. And it is a joke, because there's only one person that can actually block your way, and it's you. And so learning how to let other people be successful and let other people be rich and let other people figure it out and let them get engaged and let them have babies and let them have a million dollars in the bank and let them do this and let them do that, you're just letting them lead the way.

[Hala Taha]

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[Mel Robbins]

Let'S move on to the let them theory because I can't wait to dive into this. So first leg of your career, you really were all about self improvement?

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Internal improvement.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Now we're focused on external relationships and kind of how to manage relationships. So you had this post about a year ago that went massively viral where you first introduced the topic. What did you say in that post? And why do you think it was such a phenomenon?

[Unknown Guest]

So I put up a video. Gosh, it was like 18 months ago. And I basically was sharing about something I had just stumbled on because I was being a micromanaging parent at my son's prom and my middle daughter was home from college. And you know like when your mom's being like super annoying.

[Mel Robbins]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

And you're like, God damn, geez, Mom. I was getting like that. Well, we've all been there, right? And it was just her stupid story. And my daughter reaches out and grabs my arm and yanks me towards her and says, mom, stop it, you're being so annoying. Let them, let them. Let them run in the rain. Let them eat where they want. Let them do this. And she just kept saying, let them, let them, let them. And it was weird. It just kid me like a ton of bricks. Why am I worried about this? Why am I stressing about this? And for the next couple days, anytime somebody was pissing me off or annoying me or I saw somebody do something online that made me feel jealous, or somebody did something that made the guilt rise up. I just started saying, let them. Standing in line at a store and there's five people in front of you. Beep, beep, beep. There's only one cashier. No one's coming to the other lines. How do you feel in that moment?

[Hala Taha]

Stressed.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. And then what do you do?

[Mel Robbins]

Huff and puff? Maybe say something under your breath?

[Unknown Guest]

You think you can run the grocery store better than the people running it? Uh huh. And all along while that's happening, do you know what's happening? You're actually allowing something to drain your Life force. And you are wasting time. And you are allowing something that's out of your control to steal your time and energy and blind you to the fact that even in moments where you feel stressed out or hurt or you're worried or you're scared that there is always something in your control. And what's in your control is never out there. Ever. There's one thing in life you can never control. It's other people. You can't control what they think. You can't control what they do. You can't control the timeline upon which they change, if they change at all. You can't control if they're gonna love you. You cannot control another human being. And yet we try. And it's the greatest source of frustration in your life. But if you turn it back, you'll see there's three fingers always pointing back at you when you point at somebody else. Because there are three things that are always in your control. You can always control what you think about what's happening. You can always control what you choose to do or not do. And you can always control how you process your emotions. Whether you will let them just run you over and then you send that text. Or have you ever crafted one of those emails, like single space, and it's like super long, and you take like 90 minutes and you're like, send. That never solves anything. You always get to choose how you respond. And that's how you take responsibility for your life. And let's talk about responsibility. It's the ability to. To respond. That's what taking responsibility means.

[Mel Robbins]

You give such a great example about being left out on a girls trip. I had this happen to me a couple years ago. My high school best friends, they all went on a beach trip, and I was really hurt. I had a boyfriend that I was really focused on, and so we weren't spending as much time together, but I still considered them my best friends. And I was so hurt, and I went about it in the worst way.

[Unknown Guest]

What'd you do?

[Mel Robbins]

I was a victim. I wrote everybody a text. Like, what happened?

[Unknown Guest]

What did they say?

[Mel Robbins]

They were just like, you're always busy. We didn't even think about it. What do you care? We're allowed to make plans. And it made me look like a victim, and I took all my power away. So I'd love for you to explain the let them theory of how we can actually use this to take back our power.

[Unknown Guest]

It's a great example. And being hurt because you're not included is a sign that you're mentally well, it's what you do with that that dictates your experience of life. And like you, all too often, when I have either been left out of something or people didn't even think of me because I haven't been around. Cause I've been busy building a business, so why would they think of me? Or if it's when I see somebody else succeeding and then I feel sorry for myself. Right. Feeling those things is normal. It's what you do next that matters. So the Let Them theory is the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered. I'm so excited for you to implement this. Seriously. I am a changed human being. I have never felt more peaceful and powerful. So what is the Let Them theory? It is a simple mindset tool that shows you immediately what is in your control and what is not in your control. And here's how you use it. There's two steps. Anytime that you are in a situation where you're starting to feel stressed out, or you're starting to get pissed off, or you're hurt or you're annoyed or you're getting clingy, or you're becoming a victim, or you're feeling the rage come up, you're gonna say, let them. That's step one. When you say let them, you detach from what's happening. And you recognize that I can't control this person, what they think, say, or do or feel, or I can't control what's happening with traffic right now. So I am gonna let them. And when you say let them, a couple things happen. First of all, you get this rush of superiority because it's like you're going, I see what's happening, and I value my time and energy. And I know I'm not gonna waste it trying to manage this situation or allowing this person or this situation to impact me negatively. I'm gonna let them. And so it's amazing. Cause you detach. And then the second step is you say, let me. And this is the most powerful part, because this is where you take your power back when you say, let me. You then remind yourself that there's always something in your control. And what's always in your control are the three things. I can choose what to think about this. I can choose how to respond to this or not. And I can choose what I'm gonna do with my emotions. And the uses are just endless because we live in a moment in time where everything feels out of control and people are stressed out and people are acting in really inconsiderate and dismissive ways. And people are super emotionally immature. Let them, because so are you. We all are right now. And when you say let them, it's not like an F you. It's really about giving people grace and space and also putting up a boundary and reminding yourself it's not your job to make people happy. It's not your job to manage other people's stress. It's not your job to make sure that everybody's expectations are met. It's not your job to run a grocery store. Your job is to focus on taking actions that really align with your values and your priorities. And your job is to think in a way that makes you feel good. I'll give you a quick example. We were in an elevator this morning, and the thing got stuck between the 11th and 12th floor. I was in there for 50 minutes, and the fire department had to come, but it was a good 15 minutes before anybody came to do anything. And I sat there on the floor of that elevator, and I kept saying, let them. Let them take a long time. Let them figure this out. And let me remind myself that the only thing I can control right now is just staying calm and sitting on the floor and thinking that this is gonna be okay. Let them. And it worked. And so, in your business, let's just take everybody that listens to you, Right?

[Mel Robbins]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I want you to think about that moment where you are posting something on social media, and you go and you pick the reel or you pick the photo, right? And then what do you do? Then you're like, oh, should it be that photo? Should it be this? And then you put a filter on, and then you take the filter off, and then you size it, and then you say, and it's one thing to do this because you have a business strategy and you're thinking about your business strategy. It's another thing to do this. And then when you start to write the caption, you're like, is this too much? Should I put an emoji? Is that cta? Too bad? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you start to question for who? For who? Before you even post something, what are you doing? You're giving power to what other people are going to think and do in response to what you're about to post. And by the way, you have no control over what they think and do in response. And so instead of managing it, I have a different approach. Let them think something negative. Let them unfollow you. Let them judge you. Let them roll your eyes, because I got news for you. You need to use the let me part. Let me remind myself that my social media is for me. My social media is for my business. My social media is my self expression. It's not for my family or my freaking friends from college or my brother or my sister or my. My social media is for me. Let me express myself. Let me market my business. Let me show up and put this reel out. Even though I'm kind of nervous. Feeling nervous about something that you care about is a sign that you care about it. It's not a sign that things aren't going to go well. And so by saying let them, it's extraordinary what's happened in my life.

[Mel Robbins]

So let them is all about releasing control.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Keeping your peace.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Mel Robbins]

Why are we so hardwired for control to begin with? Because I think a lot of it comes from a good place and I also think entrepreneurs are especially controlling.

[Unknown Guest]

Absolutely. So it's gonna be a dance because you're never gonna get rid of the need of trying to control things. It is a hardwired survival instinct. And it kind of makes sense. Right? Because if you're in control of what you're thinking and you're in control of your decisions and you're in control of your environment and you're in control of your spending and you're in control of your marketing platform and your strategy that you're doing, then you feel safe, you feel confident, you feel good. Here's the problem that if you do something that makes me worried or upset, guess what? Now I feel like I'm out of control. And here's where we make the mistake. I then go to try to control you. But the problem is you have a hardwired need to be in control of yourself too. And so I go to push against you, which means you're hardwired to push back because you are wired to control what you're doing. And this is one of the biggest things that you're gonna learn in reading the let them theory, just using it in your life, is that pushing other people and expecting other people to change, trying to motivate other people to change, it actually doesn't create change, it creates resistance to change. There is one thing on this planet you will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control. And that's whether or not another person changes. Because people only change when they're ready to change. And people only are ready to change when they're ready to do the very hard work to change. And this presents another problem. And see, I've been working against the fundamental wiring of human beings. For 54 years, it was learning to say, let them and let me. That taught me how to work with the laws of human nature and with BrainWire. Let's just talk about how people change, okay? We are hardwired to move toward what's easy. Hardwired. It's why we sit on the couch instead of going to the gym. It's why you sit and watch other people's content instead of posting your own. Because if it were easy to do it, everybody would have a million dollars. And that's why you gotta learn how to take action even when it feels hard. See, nobody gets sober until being drunk is harder than doing the work to change. Because it takes work. And we know this. And yet when we're looking at somebody and we're like, you're not working hard enough. Why aren't you getting better grades? How come you haven't gotten a better job? Why haven't you started this business? We forget that if it were easy, they'd already be doing it. And so the let them theory and saying, let them. Let them struggle. Let them be unmotivated. Let them judge your choices. Let them be confronted by the fact that you're now super interested in fitness and entrepreneurship and they're questioning why you don't drink all the time. Let them. And then let me remind myself that I get to choose what's a priority for me. And so you will start to learn that the more time you spend expecting other people to change, the more frustrated you're going to get. And the more that you say let them. And you learn to let people be who they are and let them have their questions and let them change on their own timeline and let them not be interested in the same things that you're interested in. Learn how to love people exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't. The better your relationships you're gonna get. It's really so simple, and it's beautiful because it creates space where the people in your life get to be who they are and you get to focus on yourself. Not like you're out of my life, but as a responsible adult. And the let me part is all about you taking responsibility for acting in a way that you value. So let me talk about another thing that happens a lot in business. So as you're growing your business, you're gonna start to find conflict between what your friends and family want you to do and what your business partners want you to do. And a lot of people really start to struggle when they feel like business partners are disappointed that you can't show up at something, or your family or friends are disappointed that you're not around as much, you need to say, let them. Let them be disappointed. And here's why. Isn't it a wonderful thing? If your business partner's disappointed that you can't show up for something, doesn't that mean they want you there? I mean, we're so afraid of it. And yet what's the alternative? I don't want her there. She's like, horrible. Same thing with your parents or your friends. If you're not able to show up because you've been just focused on entrepreneur, let them be disappointed. It means they love you and they wish you were there. That doesn't mean you have to change.

[Mel Robbins]

Can I ask you another question about business? So as I was internalizing the let them theory, I kept thinking about, well, what about if I have like a bad employee?

[Unknown Guest]

Let them be bad.

[Mel Robbins]

Let them get fired.

[Unknown Guest]

First of all, you can't control them, so you need to let them reveal who they are. But then here comes the hard part in business. Let me be honest with myself. Have I actually been clear about my expectations? Probably not. Have I explained what I think the outcome is that is successful? Probably not. Probably not. Am I micromanaging everybody because I don't explain what I want and the outcomes that you can measure success by? And since I have not done that, I constantly question everybody. So I swoop in and I micromanage. Which only trains your team that you don't trust them, which makes your team feel like they can't make a decision because you're going to come in and override everything anyway, which creates paralysis in your organization. If you have a failing employee, it is usually because you have broken process or you have unclear communication and expectations, or there is a missing skill set in the seat and they're in the wrong seat. And unless you as the leader take full responsibility for your part, which most entrepreneurs. Most entrepreneurs are the shittiest operators on the planet. I happen to be one of them. You are in entrepreneurship because entrepreneurship is artistry. It's creation that is not the same thing as rhythm systems and operations and clear communication. In fact, it's the opposite. And so your energy and your talent will create something. And then you will realize that you've created something and have zero systems and zero standard business operating principles. You have no outcomes and key results that you're measuring. And so people don't know what success looks like. And if you only Measure success based on dollars in the bank or the number of views on a podcast episode. That is something you cannot control. You have to, as the leader, let me take responsibility for my job, which is to actually create an environment where people can succeed. And if people don't have clear outlines of what they own, if they don't have clear outlines of what is going to make them successful, and if they don't have the freedom, let them to execute against that in the way that actually gives them self expression, they will hate working for you. And your business will not do as well as it can. It always comes back to you. And so yes, let them reveal that they're not doing a good job. But then instead of doing this, they suck. First say, do I suck?

[Hala Taha]

Exactly.

[Unknown Guest]

Because chances are you do. And I definitely do. If I am not behind a microphone or creating content or doing business development, which by the way, is a form of creating content and artistry. Because everything that I do is about expansion and intention. If I'm not doing one of those three seats, I'm not in the right seat in my business. And I am the problem. The business, my folks that work for me, they're not the problem. I'm the problem. And so I choose as the leader that my business coach, David Gorbitz, always says, leaders bring the weather. And if you have a stressed out and a panic emergency type culture, that's because of you. You bring the rain or you bring the sun, and by the way, your energy and whether or not you take the time to make sure people feel supported and to make sure they know the things they're doing right and to give them the tools and the skills that they need to succeed on the things that aren't going well. If you don't do that, then you're not a good leader.

[Hala Taha]

Yeah.

[Mel Robbins]

So at yap, we've been around for six years now, so had lots of, you know, growing pains, but now we really do have an amazing onboarding process. KPIs, all those things. I have managers and a CEO that helps me and everything like that. And sometimes there are people that just can't get up to speed.

[Unknown Guest]

Great, then let them knock it up to speed and then let me give very direct feedback quickly and don't dance around it with the positivity sandwich. The way you have that is directly, with respect, you basically say this is not gonna be a fun conversation. And I was hoping that things were gonna go very differently and I have very high standards. And this is a 19 word sentence that you're Gonna steal that has been researched at Yale and Harvard. It's called the magic sentence. 19 words. I have very high expectations for this team, and I believe you can meet them. And that's why I'm gonna tell you this feedback. And then you tell them the feedback and you let them. Because what somebody does with that feedback, that's what they control. You actually having the courage to deliver feedback. See, I actually think it's cruel to not tell somebody exactly. They're not performing.

[Mel Robbins]

They don't grow if you don't.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, it's not about them. Do you want to be in an organization where people think you suck and they talk about you in a conference room? Of course not. So why would you do that to somebody and not address it? People know when they're not thriving. In fact, I personally believe the hardest working person in the company is the one who's not doing well because they're in conflict with themselves and they know it. And you are either the kind of leader who has this bullshit toxic male kind of mentality of. Or you take responsibility as a leader to create an environment in which people can thrive. And if people are not doing well and they're not meeting expectations. Before you start barking about or labeling people, which is toxic behavior on your part, take a moment and ask yourself critically. Let me ask myself, have I actually explained the outcomes that measure success? Have I actually explained what I expect? Have I actually given somebody all the information that they need in order to succeed? Do I even know what skills are required for this job? Or am I just throwing somebody into the fire and then judging the shit out of them when they can't get the job done? Because if you can't answer those questions for yourself, then you're not the good leader and no one's going to succeed in that role. And look, there are times where people overestimate their qualifications and then they get in a seat and they don't have the skills. Let them. Let them. And don't overcompensate and fix everything and step in and solve the problems. Let people fail. Because if you don't, you won't see where there's process missing, you won't see where there's a skill level missing, and you won't see where you actually are. The issue, because you haven't created an environment for people to succeed.

[Mel Robbins]

Talk about how letting them actually helps them.

[Unknown Guest]

I personally feel. And this goes with people in your life that are struggling too. Absolutely. Anybody can get better. And what's needed is the belief that you can and just a simple roadmap of what you need to do. And so at work, what often happens is that people start to feel very discouraged because, you know, when you're not a person that people go to on the team, you know when things feel off, you know when you're getting passed over, you know when people micromanage you and you know, when people don't actually trust your work. And so I personally think that person can still do incredible work in the right environment. And at the end of the day, feeling like somebody believes in your ability to get better creates the space for you to get better. If somebody has a respect for you to say, I'm gonna give you this feedback and this isn't gonna be a fun conversation, not my favorite thing to talk about, but I'm doing it. Cause I actually have high standards for this team and I believe you can hit em. To me, that's you saying, I see you. We both know you're not meeting the standards here. And what else did I say? I think you can meet them. This team is special. Now, I'm appealing to your desire to succeed. I'm appealing to the potential that you know is inside you. I choose to believe that people do well when they can. And if somebody in your team or in your family or in your life isn't doing well, then it's because there's something missing that's making it so they can't. And it's almost never willpower. It's usually something small. It's usually just clearer communication or identifying the skill that would be helpful, or partnering them with somebody so that you create an environment where they can succeed. And people also need to feel enough space and acceptance and dignity so that you feel like the change is your idea, not that it's getting shoved down your throat because nobody wants to change if they know that you're gonna say, see, I told you so. And that's a critical part of this, that when you say let them, you're not allowing people to fail. You're actually creating the space for somebody to succeed. But the first step is that you have to give people the space and the honesty to make it their decision. And the other thing that the let them theory is not is it's not allowing somebody to walk all over you. It's not allowing somebody to treat you poorly because you're already doing that. When you say let them, you detach. And you see somebody probably for the first time, exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't, and you stop doing Something, you stop making excuses, and you stop living in the fantasy and the potential, and you actually live in the reality. You know, as I'm going through this phase of this next leveling up in my business, I realize it's on me to level up my expectations of myself. It's on me to get clearer in my communication. It's on me to focus on what's truly important and delete everything that's not. Because another huge thing in business is that if everything's important, nothing is. And you cannot allow someone else's emergencies to become your emergency. You cannot allow somebody else's priority to become your priority. Everything that somebody else is asking of you in business is an opportunity. But you have to get out of reactive mode and get into responding mode, because it's only in doing that that you will actually be intentional and focused, and you will truly be strategic about what actually deserves your time and what doesn't, because not everything in business does.

[Mel Robbins]

Mel, I'd love to talk to you about this forever, but we're running out of time. And I did want to tell everybody that I read the Let them theory, and I feel like it was so impactful for me. I know that people have it tattooed on their arms. It's been so helpful for so many people around the world. By the time this comes out, your book will be out. So I highly recommend that everybody go get it. So I end my show with two questions that I ask all my guests. First, what is one actionable thing our young and profits can do today to become more profitable tomorrow?

[Unknown Guest]

Let them. Let them. Because all that time and energy and power that you're giving to other people, as soon as you say let them, and then you say, let me, you actually take that power back and you start to protect your time and energy, and that's what you need to be profitable and successful.

[Mel Robbins]

And there's so much that we didn't get to cover today, guys. She's got so many great stories, so much research in her book about this. Definitely recommend it.

[Hala Taha]

What is your secret to profiting in life?

[Mel Robbins]

And this can go beyond business and financial saying no.

[Unknown Guest]

It's way more important to say no, because every time you say no, you're actually saying yes to what matters.

[Mel Robbins]

And where can everybody find you and everything that you do?

[Unknown Guest]

You can find me right here in this conversation right now. And one of the most important things you can do is take this conversation and send it to somebody that you care deeply about, because, you know, you feel inspired. You know, you got tools and One of the best things that you can do to build your relationships and connections, which you need in business and you need for profit and you need to be successful, is to actually be generous. And so be generous with the information that you just got today, because it will make a difference in somebody else's life.

[Mel Robbins]

I feel like this is just like a masterclass in business and your life story. So thank you so much for joining us today.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm really proud of you.

[Mel Robbins]

Thank you.

[Unknown Guest]

Congratulations for everything that you do and for the lives that you impact and the difference that you're making.

[Mel Robbins]

Thank you.

[Hala Taha]

Well, that was an epic conversation with Mel Robbins. I always feel so energized after hearing her speak. And her warmth and relatability really shines through in everything that she does. She is truly who she says she is. We did this interview in person and I got to meet her face to face and she is exactly who she says she is. And she's so good at distilling complex ideas into simple, practical advice. She reminded us, you just got one life and nobody is coming to save you. Nobody's gonna do the work for you or help you get out of your own way. You are the only one who can do that. But you don't have to have it all figured out to get started. You just have to commit to. To starting. And like Mel said, if you can do that, then you might be just one decision away from a completely different life. It's never too late to get started. There's no fixed timeline for this. Mel was in her late 40s before things really took off for her. But she got out of bed every day and made sure that it happened. And you can do the same. You have to be realistic though. And as hard as that is for us entrepreneurs to hear, the fact is there are some things we just cannot control. And that starts with other people. You are wasting your own precious time and energy. If you're trying to control what other people think, say or do, you can't do it. And to help us get out of that habit of trying to do just that, Mel has a simple two step solution. First, say let them. Let them detach yourself from the situation and let that person do what they're doing. Even if it's annoying, frustrating, or stupid. Let them do it. Then take your own power back by saying, let me. Let me figure out what I can control. And one thing you can always control in a situation is your own reaction to it. All right, gang, thank you for choosing to spend your time listening to this conversation. I Hope you feel inspired. But like Mel said, it's not enough to just listen and learn and then go back to business as usual. You've got to take these insights and these tools and then turn them into action. So what are you waiting for? Go, go get started. Make that one small decision that could change your life. And why not do it in 2025? Thanks for listening to this episode of Young and Profiting Podcast. If you listen, learned and profited from this conversation with the inspiring Mel Robbins, then please take the time to share this episode with your friends and family. It would mean so much to me if you shared this podcast by word of mouth. We're growing the show every single day. I literally doubled my downloads last year, so we're growing every day and it's because of listeners like you who share the show. And if you did enjoy the show and you learned something, then please take time to write us a five star written review. We've got thousands of reviews across all of our platforms because we've got awesome listeners like you who take the time to write reviews. And if you look at my reviews, they're a lot higher and better than most podcasts because this podcast is better than most podcasts and let people know it. Write us a review so that other people tune in. I'd really appreciate it. It's my favorite thing to do is to read your reviews. And also guys, I recorded this episode in person with Mel so we have it all on video. If you want to watch me being a nervous wreck with Mel Robbins, check us out on YouTube. You can just search young and profiting on YouTube to watch that video. You can also find me on Instagram at Yap with Holla or LinkedIn by searching my name. It's Hala Taha and today I want to give a special shout out to our bookings team, Hisham Furqan and Joshua. You guys crushed it securing Mel Robbins. We've been trying to get this interview for like six years and we finally got it and we got it in person on top of that. You guys are incredible. I appreciate all of you. This is your host, Hala Taha, AKA the podcast Princess, signing off.