430 How to Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction

Summary

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Your Anxiety Toolkit – Ep. 430: How to Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction

Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT
Date: April 21, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this thoughtful episode, Kimberley Quinlan, anxiety and OCD specialist, unpacks why so many people replay and overthink social interactions long after they happen. She explores the emotional roots of this anxious rumination—and, most importantly, offers a compassionate, science-backed four-step process to break the cycle. With her signature warmth and expertise, Kimberley provides listeners with practical strategies to cultivate self-awareness, disrupt negative thought spirals, and replace self-criticism with values-based living.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Do We Overthink Social Situations?

(00:00 – 04:06)

• Control & Certainty: Kimberley explains that overthinking is often a misguided attempt to create a sense of control and certainty where none exists. We replay conversations to try and solve social discomfort or prevent future embarrassment.

  • “We overthink because we don’t like uncertainty, we don’t like being judged.” [01:26]

• Fear of Judgement & Shame: Those with social anxiety may be especially sensitive to emotions like shame, embarrassment, and humiliation—sometimes experiencing social anxiety more as a “shame disorder.”

  • “Some researchers ... think of social anxiety as a shame disorder, not an anxiety disorder.” [02:20]

• Background Influences: Childhood experiences and social messaging (“don’t say that, don’t act that way”) can lay the foundation for chronic self-monitoring.

• Social Media’s Role: Modern social media amplifies these critical voices, heightening self-consciousness and rumination.

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2. Kimberley’s Four-Step Process to Stop Overthinking

(04:07 – 10:03)

Step 1: Awareness & Logging

• Catching yourself in the act of rumination is crucial. Techniques like keeping a thought log can help identify triggers and habitual times for overthinking (e.g. while driving, showering, or going to bed).
  • “Awareness is key here. If we are someone who tends to do a lot of rumination, we first have to be able to catch it when we’re doing it.” [04:15]

Step 2: Intervene with Alternative Actions

• Once aware, intentionally disrupt the pattern by shifting to another activity (podcast, call, audiobook, etc.), especially during high-risk times.
  • “You’re doing this to intervene so you don’t just sit and spin on mental compulsions on all the little things you did wrong.” [05:36]

Step 3: Refuse the Illusion of Certainty

• Let go of the drive to “solve” the conversation or guess what others thought. Extend self-compassion and accept imperfection.
  • “Refuse the illusion that you will get anywhere away from the discomfort you feel... come from a place of compassion and kindness and imperfection.” [06:20]

Step 4: Pivot to Values & the Present

• When you catch yourself ruminating, gently redirect to the present moment or values-driven actions (connection, creativity, humor, playfulness).

  • “For every time you bring yourself back to the present and pivot back to your values is a moment that you’ve done a repetition of this practice that will make you stronger in the long run.” [10:11]

• Kimberley normalizes how difficult and repetitive this can feel, reassuring listeners that with practice, returning to presence gets easier.

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3. Normalizing the Work

(10:03 – 12:06)

• Overthinking will creep back in—this is human. No need to get frustrated; gently notice and redirect. The goal is gentle persistence, not perfection.

  • “It is imperfect work. It is repetitious work. It can get frustrating, yes. But we’re going to do the reps and put in the time so that we can practice this compassionate skill so we can stop constantly trying to figure it out again.” [10:38]

• Emphasis on self-compassion: Hold your heart when things don’t go perfectly.

• Encouragement to focus on deep values and the bigger picture.

  • “You are more brave than you think. You have more connection than you think. You are more lovable than you can even imagine. There is so much good in you.” [11:10]

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Memorable Quotes

• On the futility of rumination:

  • “Remember, we actually want to practice not solving how you acted because it’s in the past, it’s done. There’s nothing you can do... Your job is to stay present or stay in the future.” — Kimberley Quinlan [05:55]

• On perfection and compassion:

  • “We didn’t ever sign a contract with the Earth that we were going to get it right the first time. We're going to give ourselves permission to be imperfect.” — Kimberley Quinlan [07:28]

• On self-love and courage:

  • “You are more brave than you think. You have more connection than you think. You are more lovable than you can even imagine.” — Kimberley Quinlan [11:10]

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Community Segments

1. I Did a Hard Thing

(12:06 – 13:17)

• Listener “Anonymous” shares how they enjoyed their birthday for the first time despite anxiety, managing to let go of intrusive thoughts—a win celebrated by Kimberley.
  • “When I got anxious about something that didn’t happen, I was able to let it go and move on. It was one of my best birthdays.” — Anonymous [12:26]

2. Review of the Week

(13:17 – 14:27)

• Listener Andrea sends a heartfelt thank-you for Kimberley’s gentle support, sharing how the podcast helped her overcome the grip of undiagnosed OCD.

  • “You are the voice in my head when I feel overwhelmed… You have lifted me out of a deep depression due to undiagnosed OCD and shown me a world where I can work through the grip of OCD that has had on my life and I can be compassionate to myself while doing it.” — Andrea [13:21]

• Kimberley responds emotionally, highlighting the power of community compassion and mutual support.

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Key Takeaways & Action Steps

• Overthinking after social interactions is driven by the wish for control, fear of judgment, and shame—but you can disrupt this with awareness and kindness.
• Use Kimberley’s Four-Step Process:
  1. Log & recognize rumination patterns
  2. Intervene with alternative actions
  3. Let go of certainty and embrace imperfection
  4. Gently redirect to the present and your values
• Self-compassion is essential—progress comes from gentle repetition, not instant mastery.

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Final Encouragement

Kimberley’s warm closing:

“Go and do that. All right, have a wonderful week everybody. I will see you in the next episode.” [11:57]

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For more practical tools and community support, tune in weekly or visit CBTschool.com.

Transcript

[A]

You leave a conversation and suddenly your brain becomes a crime scene. Why did I say that? Did they think I was weird? Should I have acted differently? If this sounds familiar to you, you're in the right place. In today's episode, we'll break down why your brain spirals after social situations. And we're going to give you practical, science based tools to stop the overthinking cycle in its tracks. Welcome to your Anxiety toolkit podcast where I bring you all the virtual hugs and practical strategies to help you face your fears and live each day with courage and compassion. I'm Kimberly Quindlen. I'm a licensed therapist and anxiety specialist. And today we're talking all about how to stop overthinking every single social interaction. Whether you're struggling with social anxiety, ocd, panic or perfectionism, this podcast is your space to learn science backed tools to build a life you love, even with fear on board. Welcome, everybody. Okay, so let's talk about why we overthink every social situation. You guys, a lot of this is because we want control. Usually when we overthink, we're trying to find a world where things make sense. We're trying to solve how we could have fixed the problem so we don't have discomfort, so we don't have anxiety, so bad things don't happen. We overthink because we don't like uncertainty, we don't like being judged. We've talked about that in previous episodes. And we overthink because some of us, particularly those with social anxiety, we know based on research, that they tend to have a higher level of sensitivity to emotions like embarrassment and humiliation. They can feel unbearable and they can often have a shame response to these emotions. Some researchers and clinicians actually think of social anxiety as a shame disorder, not an anxiety disorder. And I have had many clients very much resonate with that. Now, there is another reason that we overanalyze and overthink everything. And that is often because in our childhood, often we have people make comments about us. Maybe they said, oh, I noticed such and such about you, or don't be that way, don't say that, don't act that way. They're going to think this if you do. And those messages can actually make us overanalyze small little things that we do when we are out and about. We often do have those messages in our brain. And now in this day and age, social media has made that so much harder and so much more prominent. As we navigate social situations, we can use those experiences and hone in on them. And become very, very, very, very critical. And then when we have that uncertainty, we move back into over analyzing, over ruminating, overthinking, every little social interaction that we had.

[B]

Now I am going to give you.

[A]

A four step process to help step stop overthinking. So let's get started. Number one, we have to recognize when we are in a thought spiral. Awareness is key here. It is so important. If we are someone who tends to do a lot of rumination, we first have to be able to catch it when we're doing it. Now that can take some practice. Awareness is a skill and a tool that we can use. And the more we use it, the better we we get at catching it. And the sooner we can catch it, the more we can lessen the impact. So first of all, you may, number one, use a log and log down every time that you catch yourself. You might find that you do more rumination during certain times of the day or during certain activities. I've had clients when they've logged down when they are ruminating that they've found that they ruminated more in the shower or driving. They've thought more about things they've said as they put their head down on the pillow and that when they've turned the lights out and all of the noise goes away, that's when their brain starts to think, oh, you said this and what did they think about that? In some cases you come up with scenarios that didn't even happen. You start to think you said things that you didn't even think. That's the power of our creation. Creative and imaginative brain. So number one, do practice logging or being more aware of where you're doing this behavior, when you're doing this behavior. Once you do that, then you can start to implement actions during those times if you do it mostly on your way home from work. So you've been at work, you've done your day's work, and as you've driven home, that's when you start to overanalyze. And that might be an important practice to intervene by adding a different action. Whether it be you listen to a podcast, you rehearse things, you learn a language, you listen to an audiobook, you call a family member. You're doing this to intervene so that you don't ruminate, so that you don't just sit and spin on mental compulsions on all the little things you did wrong. Remember, we actually want to be on, we want to practice not solving how you acted because it's in the past, it's Done. There's nothing you can do. There's nothing we can come back with. It's been done. Your job is to stay present or stay in the future. The next step is to refuse the illusion that you will figure this out, that you know what they're thinking, that you can solve this one. Refuse the illusion that you will get anywhere away from the discomfort you feel. What we want to do, instead of finding certainty in how it went or solving it or trying to prevent it from happening in the future, is then to come from a place of compassion and kindness and imperfection. And then that last step is to pivot and redirect your attention to what you do, have control over, to what you want to focus on or to things you value. So let's say, let's play this out. You've been at a work event or a social event. You did the best you could. When you get in the car, if the car is the place that you know you're starting to overthink, or wherever you are, we want to identify. This is where I'm going to start beating myself up. This is where I'm going to start over, analyzing every little thing. We might want to acknowledge that we don't know what they're thinking, that we didn't ever sign a contract with the Earth, that we were going to get it right the first time. We're going to give ourselves permission to be imperfect and we're going to set very strong boundaries with ourselves by saying, I am not engaging in any rumination about the past. Now let's troubleshoot this a little bit. It is completely normal for you to fall back into the trap of overthinking. That is a normal human response here. When you catch yourself going off into overthinking again, that's fine. Just again become aware and bring yourself back to the present or something that you're pivoting towards that's value based. In a few minutes, your brain is going to start overthinking again. Not a problem. We're not going to get frustrated. We're not going to beat ourselves up. We're going to just notice. Of course my brain wants to solve this. And again, be aware, be gentle and redirect back to the present. Now guess what's going to happen. You know, your brain is going to pivot back onto overthinking, but back onto criticism, back onto trying to solve this interaction, right? To review it, to go over everything you said and what they could have thought and what they could you could.

[B]

Have said better and oh my God.

[A]

You know what I mean. Those moments where you wish, oh, if.

[B]

Only I had have thought about such and such.

[A]

You're going to catch yourself and bring yourself back to the present. I don't care if you have to do this a million times. For every time you bring yourself back to the present and pivot back to your values is a moment that you've done, a repetition of this practice that will make you stronger in the long run, that will strengthen the habit of you being present instead of ruminating, instead of catastrophizing how bad it was. That is the work we are here to do. It is imperfect work. It is repetitious work. It can get frustrating, yes. But we're going to do the reps and put in the time so that we can practice this compassionate skill so we can stop constantly trying to figure it out again. What's done is done. It's in the past. Hold your heart with compassion that it may have not have gone as well as you would have liked. Take a breath in that moment and then come back to what matters to you most. Which my guess is compassion, connection, fulfillment, love, creativity, humor, playfulness. We've talked about this before. You are more brave than you think. You have more connection than you think. You are more lovable than you can even imagine. There is so much good in you. There's so many things about you that you can connect with other people on. Go and do that. All right, have a wonderful week everybody. I will see you in the next episode.

[B]

Before we take over, let's do two most empowering little segments that we can the first one is the I did a hard thing segment. This one is from Anonymous and they said I enjoyed my birthday. It's been hard for me to enjoy special occasions because of anxiety. When I got anxious about something that didn't didn't happen, I was able to let it go and move on. It was one of my best birthdays. Anonymous, I can resonate with this so much. So thank you so much for sharing that you very much did do a hard thing and I hope since then you had had many beautiful, beautiful birthdays and this review of the week, you guys. Oh, it's probably one of my favorites. And it's from Andrea. Andrea said, the kind Australian voice that accompanies me on my commute to work every morning. I really love how gentle you are and how you talk about the nitty gritty of anxiety and ocd. I'm not sure if this review will be read directly by Kimberly. Here we are Andrea.

[A]

But if it is the case, I'd like to take the chance to say thank you.

[B]

You are the voice in my head when I feel overwhelmed throughout the day. You are the voice that is so kind to me when I cannot. You have lifted me out of a deep depression due to undiagnosed OCD and shown me a world where I can work through the grip of OCD that has had on my life and I can be compassionate to myself while doing it. It may sound cliche and dramatic, but, Kimberly, you saved my life. So in return, I'm sending you a thank you and a big, fat virtual hug. Oh, Andrea, thank you, my love. I am brought to tears by this absolute beautiful review. Thank you, thank you. It is an honour to be with you all as we walk this path together. It is so hard, but I hope that we can all bring each other compassion and love and a fat virtual hug. So, Andrea, thank you and I wish you all a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful week. I'll see you next.

[A]

1.

[B]

Please note that this podcast or any other resources from CBTSchool.com should not replace professional mental health care. If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day and thank you for supporting CBTSchool.com.