Your Anxiety Toolkit – Ep. 430: How to Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction

Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT
Date: April 21, 2025

Episode Overview

In this thoughtful episode, Kimberley Quinlan, anxiety and OCD specialist, unpacks why so many people replay and overthink social interactions long after they happen. She explores the emotional roots of this anxious rumination—and, most importantly, offers a compassionate, science-backed four-step process to break the cycle. With her signature warmth and expertise, Kimberley provides listeners with practical strategies to cultivate self-awareness, disrupt negative thought spirals, and replace self-criticism with values-based living.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Do We Overthink Social Situations?

(00:00 – 04:06)

• Control & Certainty: Kimberley explains that overthinking is often a misguided attempt to create a sense of control and certainty where none exists. We replay conversations to try and solve social discomfort or prevent future embarrassment.

  • “We overthink because we don’t like uncertainty, we don’t like being judged.” [01:26]

• Fear of Judgement & Shame: Those with social anxiety may be especially sensitive to emotions like shame, embarrassment, and humiliation—sometimes experiencing social anxiety more as a “shame disorder.”

  • “Some researchers ... think of social anxiety as a shame disorder, not an anxiety disorder.” [02:20]

• Background Influences: Childhood experiences and social messaging (“don’t say that, don’t act that way”) can lay the foundation for chronic self-monitoring.

• Social Media’s Role: Modern social media amplifies these critical voices, heightening self-consciousness and rumination.

2. Kimberley’s Four-Step Process to Stop Overthinking

(04:07 – 10:03)

Step 1: Awareness & Logging

• Catching yourself in the act of rumination is crucial. Techniques like keeping a thought log can help identify triggers and habitual times for overthinking (e.g. while driving, showering, or going to bed).
  • “Awareness is key here. If we are someone who tends to do a lot of rumination, we first have to be able to catch it when we’re doing it.” [04:15]

Step 2: Intervene with Alternative Actions

• Once aware, intentionally disrupt the pattern by shifting to another activity (podcast, call, audiobook, etc.), especially during high-risk times.
  • “You’re doing this to intervene so you don’t just sit and spin on mental compulsions on all the little things you did wrong.” [05:36]

Step 3: Refuse the Illusion of Certainty

• Let go of the drive to “solve” the conversation or guess what others thought. Extend self-compassion and accept imperfection.
  • “Refuse the illusion that you will get anywhere away from the discomfort you feel... come from a place of compassion and kindness and imperfection.” [06:20]

Step 4: Pivot to Values & the Present

• When you catch yourself ruminating, gently redirect to the present moment or values-driven actions (connection, creativity, humor, playfulness).

  • “For every time you bring yourself back to the present and pivot back to your values is a moment that you’ve done a repetition of this practice that will make you stronger in the long run.” [10:11]

• Kimberley normalizes how difficult and repetitive this can feel, reassuring listeners that with practice, returning to presence gets easier.

3. Normalizing the Work

(10:03 – 12:06)

• Overthinking will creep back in—this is human. No need to get frustrated; gently notice and redirect. The goal is gentle persistence, not perfection.

  • “It is imperfect work. It is repetitious work. It can get frustrating, yes. But we’re going to do the reps and put in the time so that we can practice this compassionate skill so we can stop constantly trying to figure it out again.” [10:38]

• Emphasis on self-compassion: Hold your heart when things don’t go perfectly.

• Encouragement to focus on deep values and the bigger picture.

  • “You are more brave than you think. You have more connection than you think. You are more lovable than you can even imagine. There is so much good in you.” [11:10]

Memorable Quotes

• On the futility of rumination:

  • “Remember, we actually want to practice not solving how you acted because it’s in the past, it’s done. There’s nothing you can do... Your job is to stay present or stay in the future.” — Kimberley Quinlan [05:55]

• On perfection and compassion:

  • “We didn’t ever sign a contract with the Earth that we were going to get it right the first time. We're going to give ourselves permission to be imperfect.” — Kimberley Quinlan [07:28]

• On self-love and courage:

  • “You are more brave than you think. You have more connection than you think. You are more lovable than you can even imagine.” — Kimberley Quinlan [11:10]

Community Segments

1. I Did a Hard Thing

(12:06 – 13:17)

• Listener “Anonymous” shares how they enjoyed their birthday for the first time despite anxiety, managing to let go of intrusive thoughts—a win celebrated by Kimberley.
  • “When I got anxious about something that didn’t happen, I was able to let it go and move on. It was one of my best birthdays.” — Anonymous [12:26]

2. Review of the Week

(13:17 – 14:27)

• Listener Andrea sends a heartfelt thank-you for Kimberley’s gentle support, sharing how the podcast helped her overcome the grip of undiagnosed OCD.

  • “You are the voice in my head when I feel overwhelmed… You have lifted me out of a deep depression due to undiagnosed OCD and shown me a world where I can work through the grip of OCD that has had on my life and I can be compassionate to myself while doing it.” — Andrea [13:21]

• Kimberley responds emotionally, highlighting the power of community compassion and mutual support.

Key Takeaways & Action Steps

• Overthinking after social interactions is driven by the wish for control, fear of judgment, and shame—but you can disrupt this with awareness and kindness.
• Use Kimberley’s Four-Step Process:
  1. Log & recognize rumination patterns
  2. Intervene with alternative actions
  3. Let go of certainty and embrace imperfection
  4. Gently redirect to the present and your values
• Self-compassion is essential—progress comes from gentle repetition, not instant mastery.

Final Encouragement

Kimberley’s warm closing:

“Go and do that. All right, have a wonderful week everybody. I will see you in the next episode.” [11:57]

For more practical tools and community support, tune in weekly or visit CBTschool.com.