Your Anxiety Toolkit Episode 431: What if I Never Find True Love?

Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT
Guest: Elizabeth Earnshaw, Relationship Therapist & Author
Date: April 28, 2025

Episode Overview

In this widely requested episode, Kimberley Quinlan is joined by renowned relationship therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw for a compassionate, practical conversation about one of anxiety’s most persistent fears: “What if I never find true love?” Together, they explore the unique pain, pressure, and hope around relationships, dating anxiety, the myth of “The One,” and managing both grief and hope when love feels out of reach. The episode is filled with expert insights, gentle normalization, memorable real-life stories, and concrete skills for anyone struggling with relationship worries—whether single, dating, or partnered.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Core Fear: “What if I Never Find True Love?”

• Validation of Relationship Anxiety

  • Elizabeth notes that, for many, the fear of never finding love touches on a core human need for connection, making it especially intense and unique (02:18).
  • “It makes complete sense that this is painful for you, it's challenging, it's overwhelming, and that it could cause a lot of distress because it might feel like it's related to a deep core need.” – Elizabeth (03:20)

• Managing the Intensity

  • Focus is not on eradicating anxiety, but on reducing its intensity and managing how much it limits life (03:45).
  • People often feel they must either be “zen” or completely hopeless, but nuance is key.

2. How Relationship Anxiety Shows Up – Two Paths

• Freeze/Collapse Response

  • Some feel so overwhelmed by anxiety and fear of rejection that they avoid putting themselves out there entirely (04:57).
    • Tip: Start with micro-steps, e.g., just browsing dating apps anonymously, to incrementally build comfort.

• Overactivation/Desperation Response

  • Others become hyperactive, always dating, accepting poor treatment, or settling for incompatible partners out of anxiety-driven urgency.
    • Tip: Begin setting small limits, e.g., reduce app usage, and intentionally seek other meaningful sources of connection (07:00).

• Kimberley reflects that so many listeners feel tremendous urgency around the myth of “The One” and the ticking clock (08:36).

3. The Myth of “The One”

• Debunking the Perfectionism Trap

  • Elizabeth, drawing from extensive clinical experience, emphasizes the immense pressure created by believing in a single soulmate.
    • “There is not ‘the one’. There are a lot of different people in the world who could work as your partner. That takes some of the romance out of it... But if the idea is giving you anxiety, I think it’s really important to recognize that.” (09:23)
  • This perfectionism fuels anxiety—fear of making a wrong choice, missing red flags, or not living up to an impossible standard.

• What to Actually Look For

  • The real question is: “Would you be a good partner in a human way, not a supernatural way?” (11:53)
  • Lasting relationships are a matter of choosing, adapting, and intentionally nurturing—not flawless fate (12:39).

4. Authenticity vs. Performance in Dating

• Checklist & Self-Monitor Anxiety

  • Kimberley describes how clients often hyper-focus on checklists or self-presentation instead of genuine connection.
    • “...they’re either so zoomed in on the person they’re dating on checklists, or so zoomed in on themselves on am I being perfect...and they’re missing the actual connection.” (13:51)

• Real-life Relationships Aren’t Perfect

  • Elizabeth normalizes awkwardness and imperfection, and that rejection for being yourself is not tragic—it actually helps attract the right partner (14:03–16:49).
    • “If we put on this perfect persona, you're attracting someone who wants that perfect persona, not the imperfect actual you.” – Kimberley (16:49)
    • “As soon as I started to be like, oh, I'm going to actually express my real opinion... I did start getting actual verbal rejections. And the pain wasn't as bad as my fear thought it was going to be.” – Elizabeth (17:00–19:13)

5. When Dating Feels Impossible: Self-Doubt, Grief, and Hopelessness

• Self-Doubt & Core Beliefs

  • Anxiety around dating often piggybacks on older core beliefs: “I’m not pretty enough,” “I’m not lov(eable),” etc. (19:13–20:08)
  • Sometimes, anxiety is a reaction to genuinely poor treatment or ghosting, not low self-worth.

• When There's No Apparent ‘Why’

  • Both therapist and client may reach the conclusion that there’s no algorithm or solvable problem—it’s just hard, and that’s a profound loss worth grieving (22:35–25:12).
    • “First of all, I think just validating that is really hard and its own type of pain to say things are actually out of my hands in this in some ways because I've done the work, I'm presenting how I want to be... that really sucks.” – Elizabeth (23:12)
  • Grief and anxiety often overlap; troubleshooting sometimes is a defense against feeling the grief (26:09–26:30).

6. Coping with Others’ Joy: Social Media, Announcements, & Comparison

• Mixed Emotions and Self-Judgment

  • Listeners express pain seeing friends’ engagements, weddings, pregnancies, etc., while feeling left behind.
    • “Let yourself cry that your friend has met a partner. And then also say to yourself, okay, what else do I feel here? ... You can actually feel a lot of different things.” – Elizabeth (29:00–31:04)

• Setting Boundaries

  • Limit exposure to social media if it’s too painful (31:05).
  • It’s okay to skip events or renegotiate roles (like being in a wedding) with honesty and self-compassion.

• Find Your Community

  • Kimberley recommends seeking out others at similar life stages to mitigate loneliness and foster validation (31:53).
  • “If you can widen your community to having like-minded people, it can feel more validating...You feel like you’re the only one.” – Kimberley (33:03)

7. Practical Skills: What If I’m 10/10 Anxious on a Date?

• Before & During the Date

  • Anxiety is often amplified by physiological stress—address the body first:

    • Breathing exercises for lung/calming (35:00)
    • Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR)
    • Engaging in creativity (drawing, music) to calm the mind
    • Physical activity (walking, yoga, etc.) to complete the stress cycle

  • Thoughts may still race—notice and let them pass, but focus on body soothing (36:00–39:11).

    “My biggest advice is always deal with the physiology first, because the thoughts are there and they might not go away until after the date. But if you can deal with the fact that your heart is beating so loud it’s in your ears, that’s going to help you feel a little more relaxed.” – Elizabeth (39:00)

8. For the Hopeless: Permission & Practical Hope

• Self-Compassion First
  • “It makes sense that I feel this way and I love myself and I'm sorry that I feel this way and I'm going to let myself feel sad and be gentle with myself on that.” – Elizabeth (39:23)
• Hope vs. Certainty
  • Regain hope by focusing on authenticity, connection with oneself, and putting oneself into the world without needing certainty (40:00–41:26).
  • Building a meaningful life isn’t about guaranteeing an outcome, but about being open, engaged, and true to yourself.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Authenticity:
  “If we put on this perfect persona, you're attracting someone who wants that perfect persona, not the imperfect actual you.” – Kimberley (16:49)

• On Rejection:
  “As soon as I started being like, ‘I'm going to actually, like, express my real opinion...’ I did start getting actual verbal rejections. And the pain wasn't as bad as my fear thought it was going to be.” – Elizabeth (17:00–19:13)

• On Grief & Anxiety:
  “Often we stay in anxiety and trying to troubleshoot it so that we don't have to feel the grief.” – Kimberley (26:09)

• On the Myth of Certainty:
  “Hope is not certainty. Hope is different than certainty. And, you know, you need to be able to lean into—I feel uncertain, but I also feel hopeful—instead of I need to be certain or I'm completely hopeless.” – Elizabeth (41:13)

• Humorous/Relatable:
  “I've had clients who—I'm always like, I wish you guys could see each other in the waiting room and fall in love.” – Elizabeth (21:55)

Segment Timestamps

| Topic | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------------------------------------------|---------------------| | Introduction to the Core Fear & Why It Hurts So Much | 00:02 – 04:42 | | Two Types of Relationship Anxiety Responses (Freeze vs Overactivation) | 04:57 – 08:36 | | The Myth of “The One” and Its Problems | 08:49 – 12:39 | | Perfectionism, Checklists, & Authenticity | 13:51 – 16:49 | | Elizabeth’s Personal Story on Rejection & Differentiation | 17:00 – 19:13 | | Are Dating Anxieties New or Old (Self-Doubt, the State of Modern Dating) | 19:13 – 21:29 | | Grief in Dating: When You’re Doing Everything ‘Right’ & Still Struggling | 22:35 – 26:30 | | Social Comparison, Announcements, & Mixed Emotions | 27:08 – 33:03 | | Community & Finding Your People | 33:03 – 34:20 | | Managing 10/10 Anxiety on Dates (Somatic Skills) | 34:42 – 39:11 | | Closing Words—Hope, Uncertainty, & Self-Compassion | 39:23 – 41:26 | | Resources from Elizabeth Earnshaw | 41:53 – 42:15 |

Closing Thoughts

This heartfelt episode offers real hope, practical skills, and radical permission to feel, grieve, and hope again in the face of dating, loneliness, and the pursuit of love. Whether you’re single, actively dating, or struggling with relationship worries, Kimberley and Elizabeth’s warmth, wisdom, and honesty shine through every answer.

Find more from Elizabeth Earnshaw at:

• elizabethearnshaw.com
• Instagram: @lizlistens
• Books: I Want This to Work and Till Stress Do Us Part

Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT
Podcast: Your Anxiety Toolkit

A beautiful life is possible—even if love hasn’t arrived yet.